Original subtitles

(playful music)

(audience laughing)

- Little late with dinner tonight, aren't you Tim?

- Well, I had to work late tonight,

and dinner doesn't cook itself.

- On Mars it does.

Have I ever told you how much more intelligently

we handle this business of eating back home?

- No, but you will.

- For your own good.

The only person who knows I'm a martian

is you so why not--

- Will you please turn that finger off?!

(audience laughing)

- Sorry.

As I was saying, why not learn

something about civilized living.

- At the moment, I am a little too busy being uncivilized.

- That's what I mean.

All that drudgery just to prepare us a meal.

On Mars I never do that.

- You don't do it on earth either.

(audience laughing)

(knocking)

- Come in.

Angela, how's our good neighbor?

- Not so good.

I need a favor.

Could you help me with my homework after dinner, Martin?

- Well, it would be my pleasure.

What's the subject?

- I have to write a report on the new discovery

by Professor Newton Jennings,

the space scientist.

- Oh yes, I read about it in today's paper.

- Hi Ann, what new discovery?

- Well, you're a reporter didn't you read today's news?

- Well, no I was too busy writing tomorrow's news,

and I didn't have a spare minute.

- It's right there on the front page.

- Oh, yeah.

Scientist proves that there is no life

on Mars as we know it.

Professor Newton Jennings declares that

if life does exist,

it is on the lowest and most primitive level.

- Makes you stop and think, doesn't it Tim?

- It certainly does.

(audience laughing)

(beeping)

(beeping)

("My Favorite Martian Theme")

(cheerful music)

And Professor Jennings calculations have

established conclusively that the atmospheric pressure

on Mars precludes any form of life

higher than the one-celled amoeba,

or at least some form of jellyfish.

Are you sure you're from Mars?

- Positive.

- All right.

What's the atmospheric pressure up there?

- 17 pounds per square foot.

- Wrong.

It says here--

- Stop worrying about it Tim.

On my word as a martian,

I am a martian.

- Then how come you're not a jellyfish?

- I come from a good family.

How much evidence do you need to believe me?

You saw me crash in my spaceship.

You know that I can read minds.

- Tricks! Tricks! All tricks!

It's like, well like pulling a rabbit out of a hat.

- All right.

I hate to show off, but now watch closely.

(audience laughing)

And now, with one hand behind my back.

Any questions?

- Well, yes as a matter of fact,

how do I know you haven't got me hypnotized?

How do I know you haven't put me into some--

- [Martin] Tim, it's impolite to talk to people

with your back to them.

I'm sitting here in the chair.

- Oh, well, how do I know you haven't got me hypnotized?

Now, for all I know you're not even

standing in the same room.

I could be standing here talking to an empty chair.

Oh, I'm standing here talking to an empty chair.

- Yeah, I noticed.

If it's anything personal I can come back later.

- Oh no, no, I was just sort of thinking out loud.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

- No, no, don't bother.

I'm only staying for a minute.

- No, no, don't!

Don't sit in that chair.

That chair is too hard.

This is a lot more comfortable over here.

See, it's a lot softer.

- [Martin] Ow!

- What was that?

- I said, ow.

Come to think of it this is too hard,

you'd better sit over here it's more comfortable.

- I think I'll just stand, thank you.

I only came up to find out if your Uncle Martin

would help Angela with her report.

Can I see him?

- Not at the moment.

I mean, he's out.

But I'll be glad to tell him when he gets back.

- Tell me what?

- Oh, there he is.

I thought you said he went out.

- Yes, well frankly Mrs. Brown I never

know just exactly where he is.

I mean, that's Uncle Martin for you.

Now you see him, now you don't.

- Oh you poor man.

What happened to your eye?

- I got something in it.

- Oh, probably a speck of dust.

- It felt more like a fist.

You wanted to see me?

- Yes, about Angela's report.

- I haven't forgotten.

Tell her I'll be down in about 10 minutes.

- Oh, that's so sweet of you, Martin.

She'll appreciate it very much.

You know, I'm not much help when it comes

to things like outer space, or spelling.

(audience laughing)

- Are you convinced now that I'm a martian?

Or do you still think I hypnotized you?

- Well--

- I had no chance to hypnotize Mrs. Brown.

She didn't see me either.

- But how do I know you were in the room when she was here?

- Well, who do you think you punched in the eye?

Topper?

(audience laughing)

- Well, okay.

You win.

You're a martian.

But that means Professor Jennings

is talking through his telescope.

- Something like that.

- Hey, hey this has great possibilities.

I mean, if this guy can get all

these headlines by being wrong,

imagine the headlines that I can get

by proving that he's wrong.

- You think you can?

- Well sure, just give me the information.

- Aren't you forgetting something?

- Oh, please give me the information?

(audience laughing)

- I'm not discussing your manners, Tim.

Suppose I did tell you what to write,

how could you back it up without involving me?

And you know I can't afford to be involved.

- Well, I'm sure between the two of us

we can figure out something.

- Maybe, but it would be looking for trouble,

and I'd rather not risk it.

- Oh, I thought you were my friend.

- I am.

That's exactly why I'm pointing out

the mess you'd be blundering into.

As Ben Franklin used to say,

look before or you'll find yourself behind.

You see what I'm getting at, don't you?

- Sure.

You don't wanna help me.

All right fine, then don't do me any favors.

I mean, let Professor Jennings get away with murder,

and go and help Angela write how the people on Mars

are nothing but jellyfish.

But you're gonna have an awful lot of explaining

to do when you go back and have to face your jellyfish.

(audience laughing)

I mean your friends.

(cheerful music)

- I've read this article a dozen times, Martin,

but I just can't seem to understand it.

- I did whatever I could.

Those are some books I got together

that I thought might help Angela.

- Oh, background material that's a good idea.

Strange and Fantastic Tales.

Weird Adventures.

Space Rabbit?

- If I listened to Mom, I'd be writing

that Professor Jennings is all wrong.

- Well, it's not impossible.

I've seen some very convincing evidence

that there might be people on Mars.

- You have?

Where?

- On The Twilight Zone.

(audience laughing)

- Mom, how can you mention Twilight Zone

in the same breath with a brilliant scientist

like Professor Newton Jennings?

- Well, Rod Serling is no dope.

He's got a very high rating.

(audience laughing)

- Well, let's at least start with Professor Jennings.

Briefly, what all this means is that

the atmosphere on Mars is unbreathable.

- Except for amoeba and jellyfish.

- According to Professor Jennings,

but he can be wrong.

People are very adaptable.

Given time enough, people can learn to live

under the most difficult conditions.

- Then, you think there are people on Mars?

- Definitely.

And because it's an older planet,

I'm convinced they have a much more advanced civilization.

- Oh, I'll buy that.

Well, don't just sit there, Angela,

start writing it down.

- But that contradicts what the professor says,

and he's a famous scientist.

- Angela, I may not be as prominent as Newton Jennings,

but being famous is not the same as being right.

- I know just what you mean, Martin.

Isn't it frustrating?

- Frustrating?

- Waiting for the rest of the world

to catch up with progressive thinkers like you and me.

(audience laughing)

(cheerful music)

- Oh, hi Uncle Martin.

How's the work on the spaceship coming?

You gonna get it fixed?

- It's a slow job.

That crack up did an awful lot of damage.

It's a pity too,

because it was hardly broken in when I got it.

Only had 385 million miles on it.

- Oh, got it from a little old lady from Venus, huh?

(laughs)

- My big headaches are the parts that need to be replaced.

They haven't been invented down here yet.

- That's the trouble with these foreign spaceships,

it's very hard to get parts.

(audience laughing)

- Oh Martin.

Martin, I just wanted to tell you.

- Mother, please.

- Well, now why shouldn't I tell him?

He's the one that helped you write the report, didn't he?

- Oh, the homework assignment.

I'll bet it was the most outstanding report in the class.

- It was.

I was the only one who failed.

- Isn't it awful?

I can't understand that teacher's criticism.

Those things you talked about last night

didn't sound like scatterbrained rubbish to me.

- Your teacher said that?

- In front of the whole class.

- I wish I had been there to hear it.

- Well, maybe you can go and speak to her.

- Me?

Waste my time on that narrow-minded woman.

What for?

Her opinions don't disturb one bit.

- Well, why should they?

You're not the one who was embarrassed

in front of the whole class.

- Oh.

I'm sorry about that Angela.

- Well, that's all right.

It's not your fault.

I asked you to help me.

- You mustn't blame yourself,

I'm sure you did your best.

Come on dear, I'll fix you a snack.

- [Martin] Just a minute Angela.

- Yes?

- What's the best time to talk to your teacher?

- You mean--

- I just got a powerful urge to discuss

that report with her.

- Oh Martin.

Did you hear that, Mother, he's gonna speak to my teacher.

- Well, you never failed at anything until he helped you,

it's only right that he should help you.

(audience laughing)

- Once you speak to my teacher,

she'll have to pass me.

I know it.

Oh Martin, you're the most!

- Well, for another one of those

I'll get you on the honor roll.

(audience laughing)

- Martin, you've got yourself a deal.

(audience laughing)

(cheerful music)

- Good afternoon, Miss Weaver.

This is Mr. O'Hara.

- Oh yes, the man with a vivid imagination.

- That's what I wanted to see you about.

As the one who helped Angela with her report,

I don't think she should be penalized for it.

- Well, neither do I,

but I can't flunk you you're not one of my students.

(audience laughing)

Please sit down.

Please.

I've told Angela how she can get a passing grade.

- How?

- Well, simply to rewrite the report

so that it makes sense.

- I think it does make sense.

- It not only makes sense, it's very scientific.

- Oh really now.

People on Mars with a higher civilization.

You want me to believe that?

- My dear lady, I don't care what you believe, personally.

As far as I'm concerned,

you can think Mars is inhabited by dragons and unicorns.

- You do have a vivid imagination, don't you?

- I'm only asking that you consider Angela's

point of view with an open mind.

- There is a difference between an open mind,

and an empty head.

(audience laughing)

And that report was pure fantasy.

- Many things that science once considered fantasy

are now proven fact.

- When science proves that there

is a higher civilization on Mars,

I will give Angela a passing grade.

- Well, that may take many years.

How long do you expect Angela to stay in this school?

- That depends entirely upon how much outside help she gets.

(audience laughing)

- I'm only interested in discussing this matter logically.

- Fair enough.

But as long as you're going to do that,

I'd like to ask you a logical question.

What scientific institution are you connected with?

- I'm not connected with any.

- But you do have a degree from an accredited university.

- Well, uh no.

- [Miss Weaver] Junior college?

- No.

- High school?

(audience laughing)

Well, it was very nice of you to come in today, Mr. O'Hara,

and I appreciate it very much,

and I'm really quite busy this afternoon

preparing an experiment where we're synthesizing H2O.

That's water, you know.

(audience laughing)

- H2O.

That's water, you know.

Who does she thing she's talking to?

- Martin.

- She's not getting away with this.

I'm going to--

- Martin.

- What is it, Angela?

- I think I'd better rewrite the report.

- How do you like that teacher?

Explaining to me that H2O is water.

Me, who worked with some of your greatest scientists.

Bobby Fulton, Tommy Edison, Bell.

I was with Alex when he tested the original telephone.

You may not know it, Tim, but you're looking

at the first man in history who ever got a wrong number.

(audience laughing)

- Well, you shouldn't have gone

to school in the first place,

you're not even a member of the PTA.

- I had to go.

You saw how Angela felt.

What do you suppose she would've thought

of me if I'd turned her down?

- Well, what do you suppose she thinks now?

As far as she's concerned,

you barely squeezed through kindergarten.

- You don't imagine Angela's influenced by that nonsense.

- Oh?

She's rewriting her report, isn't she?

Professor Jennings's way.

- Anybody home?

- Oh, hello Mrs. Brown.

- [Tim] Hi, come on in.

- I'm not interrupting anything, am I?

- No, no, as a matter of fact we were

just talking about Angela.

I suppose she's rewriting the report tonight?

- No, she's not.

- A sensible girl.

- She's rewriting it tomorrow.

Tonight, she's studying for a geometry exam.

As a matter of fact, that's why I'm here.

She needs a little coaching.

- Yes?

And she was wondering if you could come down,

and help her, Tim.

(audience laughing)

- Me?

Oh, c'mon Mrs. Brown geometry was my worst subject.

To this day, I don't know a right angle from a wrong angle.

- I'd be glad to help her.

Next to science, mathematics is my strongest field.

- Oh, it's too much of an imposition.

Why, Angela's embarrassed by all the help

you've given her already.

On second thought, I don't see why I can't coach her myself.

It can't be too hard, it's only plane geometry

nothing fancy.

(audience laughing)

- How do you like that?

I'm a thousand years ahead of this planet,

and a high school girl won't even trust

me with an isosceles triangle.

How did I get into this situation anyway?

- Ah, that's easy.

I can answer that for you in two words.

Professor Newton Jennings.

- That's three words.

- I told you I was rotten at math.

- Newton Jennings.

Newton Jennings.

Tim, I was just thinking--

- That's a great idea!

- What's a great idea?

- To expose Professor Jennings.

Now why should you take the rap,

and look bad in front of Angela?

- How did you know what I was thinking?

- Well, I may have been rotten in math,

but I was just great in psychology.

(audience laughing)

(dramatic music)

- To begin with, you pretend to interview him

while I go through his notes.

- Okay, but don't take all day.

- I'm not a fast reader,

but if I concentrate I can do eight pages a second.

(audience laughing)

(knocking)

- Come in.

Oh, you must be those newspaper fellas.

Make yourselves comfortable.

I'll be right with you.

(suspenseful music)

(audience laughing)

Oh, here taste it.

No, go ahead. It won't turn you into a werewolf.

- What is it?

- Chicken soup, homemade.

I was preparing my lunch.

(audience laughing)

So, you wanna interview me.

I might as well tell you,

you're wasting your time.

- Well, I know you're a very busy man, professor,

but I promise this won't take long.

- Oh, I've got plenty of time.

It's just that I'm not a very exciting person.

Frankly, you'd do much better with Elizabeth Taylor.

- That's very nice of you to say so.

- Are these the equations on which

you base your theory, professor?

- Mm-hm.

You see what I mean?

To me, that's the most fascinating thing in the world.

You'll probably think it's very dull.

- On the contrary, I find it very interesting.

Very interesting.

- He's being nice to me, isn't he?

Well, you don't have to wade through

that stuff just to make me feel good.

- Oh, I really do want to read it.

- Believe me, professor, he's not doing it

just to make you feel good.

- Oh, I know how it is.

Friends show me pictures of their babies,

and expect me to be interested.

Well, this is my baby,

but I'm not gonna bore you with it.

- Well, professor let's get started with the interview.

Now, when did you first become interested in science?

- It wasn't until I was six years old.

(audience laughing)

- Well, that's pretty young.

- Oh, I know, but I figured what good was

understanding calculus if I couldn't put

it to some practical use.

(audience laughing)

- [Tim] Yeah, no sense wasting it.

How about other areas?

You know, hobbies, sports?

- Oh, I love sports.

I remember when I was 10 years old,

how disappointed I was that I couldn't

play football with the other fellas in my class.

- What stopped you?

- I was pretty small for a high school senior.

Something wrong?

- Huh?

Oh, my finger fell asleep.

I was trying to work it out.

- Now, professor I think this might be interesting

if it was approach from the women's point of view.

For example, well how about your first romance?

- Well, when it happens I'll tell you about it.

(audience laughing)

What's the use in trying to make me interesting?

I was terrible at sports.

I never got married.

I can't do the Bossa nova.

The only thing I'm good at is science.

(audience laughing)

You wanna know about my life?

It's all in those notes.

Without that, I guess I'd be a failure.

- Tim, I think we've taken up

enough of the professor's time.

We'd better go.

- How about the interview?

I mean, we're not finished yet.

Aren't you gonna ask him about his theory?

- What would you have me say?

- How would I know?

- Well, think about it a second.

- What about Pauli's exclusion principle?

- Thank you very much, professor.

- I'm sorry I couldn't do any better.

- Quite all right, we understand.

- Pauli's exclusion principle.

- Pauli's exclusion principle?

Where'd I get that?

I don't even know what it means.

- The professor does.

- Oh, what was the big idea?

I didn't even get my story.

- There isn't going to be a story.

- Well, now that's obvious,

but what am I supposed to write?

Space scientist admits he can't dance the Bossa nova.

(audience laughing)

- Maybe he can't dance the Bossa nova,

but he's 50 years ahead of his time.

Those notes are brilliant.

- Well, now just one second Uncle Martin,

he is wrong about Mars.

Now you tell me what is so brilliant about being wrong?

- Tim, sometimes we have to be wrong before we can be right.

It was because Columbus was wrong

that he discovered this continent.

He thought he was sailing to India.

If you're going to call Jennings a fraud,

you've got to call Columbus a fraud too.

- And what about Angela,

now if we don't expose Professor Jennings,

she's gonna be left holding the bag.

- Angela's in no trouble.

She's rewriting her report.

So, she walks around for the rest of her life

thinking that you're a dope.

- I'll have to risk that.

This man's ego is shaky enough as it is.

I refuse to break the spirit of a scientific genius

just to pamper my own personal vanity.

- Well, there goes my exclusive.

- Well, that's the way the planet plummets.

(audience laughing)

I hope you don't feel too disappointed.

- No, as a matter of fact I'm kind of relieved.

You know, that little guy was awfully sweet.

And you know something?

- What?

- He's not as much of failure as he thinks.

He makes very good chicken soup.

(audience laughing)

(cheerful music)

(knocking)

- Yoo hoo, anybody home?!

- I am!

- Oh Martin, did you hear the news?

Tell him Angela.

- I got an A in science.

The highest mark in the class.

- Oh, you rewrote your report?

- No, Professor Jennings rewrote his theory.

He now says it's possible there is life on Mars.

Very intelligent life too.

- Well.

- It's in today's paper.

- Well, I haven't seen the paper yet.

- Hi everybody!

- Tim, Angela tells me that Jennings revised his theory.

There's a story about it in today's paper.

Did you read it?

- I wrote it.

Yeah, Professor Jennings called me

and gave me an exclusive interview.

- Well, you never mentioned anything about it to me.

- Well, you already ruined one interview,

I wasn't taking anymore chances.

- I wonder what made him change his mind?

- Well, it's all in there.

Something about Pauli's exclusion principle.

And you know what?

Miss Weaver apologized to me in front of the whole class.

- That's a pleasant surprise.

- Oh Martin, it doesn't come as any surprise to me.

You and I knew we were right all along.

(audience laughing)

(cheerful music)

- Isn't that sweet?

Angela sent me a tie for helping her with her report.

Well, as I once said to William Shakespeare,

all's well that ends well.

(audience laughing)

What's all that?

- Well, I dropped in to see

Professor Jennings this afternoon,

and he let me borrow some of his equipment.

- What for?

- Now wait a second, wait a second,

I haven't finished all the directions yet.

Oh!

- Tim--

- Now, wait, wait, wait, I'm almost through,

almost through.

- But--

- Wait, wait, please, please, please, please.

(playful music)

(audience laughing)

Oh!

(audience laughing)

That's the worst chicken soup I have ever tasted.

Professor Jennings must've given me the wrong ingredients.

- Well, you've learned a lesson, my boy.

A scientist is willing to share his secrets with the world,

but a chef won't share his recipe with anyone.

(audience laughing)

(cheerful music)

("My Favorite Martian Theme")