All language subtitles for My.Favorite.Martian.S01E04.Russians.R.in.Season.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-NTb

(quirky music)

(audience laughs)

- Hm.

- Hmm?

- Did you say something?

- No.

You did.

- No, I distinctly
heard you go, hmm?

- Oh yeah well that
was after you went, hm.

(audience laughs)

- Oh did I?

- Mhm.

- Hm.

(audience laughs)

- There you did it again.

- Tim, did you see this article?

Your government is spending
two billion dollars

on a space program that
cannot possibly be successful.

- Uncle Martin, I have
in front of me right here

my friendly bank statement.

And over here, I have
my enemy checkbook.

Now somewhere between
the two, a penny is lost.

And the bank wants
me to find it.

Yes, Abraham Lincoln.

Lost.

In a miasma of
devious mathematics

and you talk to me about
two billion dollars.

Please Uncle Martin.

Can we keep it quiet?
(audience laughs)

And no more hm.

- Hm. (audience laughs)

- Two billion dollars!

- (mumbles) Minus z
over pie R 19 (mumbles).

- Uncle Martin, Uncle Martin.

- Xy minus two over
pie R 19 (mumbles).

- What?

What does it mean?

Uncle Martin, please wake up.

- Abraham Lincoln.

I knew him well.

He was never devious.

Miasma of mathematics.

- Uncle Martin, Uncle Martin!

(audience laughs)

Uncle Martin now look,
what does that mean?

X Y minus two.

Uncle Martin, two
billion dollars.

Now if you know something
that the government doesn't.

- Is that what you
woke me up for?

Hm.

- Uncle Martin, Uncle Martin,
please there must be a way.

- There is.

Pay the two billion dollars.

(audience laughs)

- Narrow fiddled, he snores.

- Pay the two billion dollars.

(beeping)

(quirky music)

- And so Mr O'Hara and
readers of The Sun,

while I am merely a lay
observer breathlessly watching

our race in space,
it does occur to me

that perhaps in our anxieties,

we are overlooking X Y minus
two over pie R 19 square.

To not turn over every
rock is to negate

the noble achievements of
our magnificent astronauts.

We might as well regress to
sending monkeys into orbit.

A concerned reader.

(quirky music)

(audience laughs)

(quirky music)

Dear Mr O'Hara, it seems to
me that two billion dollars.

Mr Burns, Mr Burns!

(audience laughs)

- Monkeys in orbit.

Monkeys in orbit.

Two billion dollars
is a vast sum

when viewed in its everyday
common man taxpayer perspective.

Tim, have you gone
out of your mind?

- Well I think it's
rather well written.

One of my better articles.

Do not overlook X Y
minus two over pie R?

You are out of your mind.

- Well Mr Burns compared
me to Steinbeck.

- Steinbeck?

- Sam Steinbeck.

He was a hot reporter Mr
Burns knew in the old days.

(audience laughs)

Why did Mr Burns let
you lie about receiving

this anonymous letter?

- Well now, it was not a lie.

It happened to be in
the incoming mailbox

and I took a letter out and
I opened it and I read it.

- You wrote a phony letter.

Then you scuffed it with your
shoe to make it look mailed

then you wrote this big
story using the letters

X Y minus two.

- How'd you know about the shoe?

- I'm the Martian,
I read the minds.

I do not do what you do,
which is pussyfooting around

while innocent people sleep,
kidnapping their mumblings.

- Now wait a sec, I
can't just stand around

and watch the government
blow two billion dollars.

- Tim, I told you to let them
pay the two billion dollars.

- Oh that doesn't make sense.

- Tim.

The great technological
transitions

which our country has
achieved have come through

honest effort and
brave industry and not

the naive intrusions
of semi-informed
newspaper reporters.

- Well alright maybe
I'm semi-informed,

but a little bit of help.

- Tim, the individual
must find his way.

The same holds
true for a nation.

When Ben Franklin was playing
around with electricity

would you have wanted
me to help him?

And why didn't I
help Alex Hamilton?

He was working on
it before Benny.

And Isaac Newton under the tree.

Would you have wanted
me to yell, watch out?

Wasn't it better to let the
apple hit him on the head

and let him figure out the
whole thing for himself?

They're coming!

- Who's coming?

- Bye.

- Uncle Martin.

Who's coming?

- [Martin] Answer the door
before they shoot off the lock.

- Uncle Martin, what did I
write? (knocking on door)

I mean what is X Y
minus two over pie R?

- [Martin] Nothing, it's
gibberish, a half truth.

Instant math.

I was reconciling your
checkbook in my sleep.

You'll find the missing
penny on the fourth line

in the third column of your
statement. (knocking on door)

Answer the door!

You're making it worse.

- Just one second.

Uncle Martin, Uncle
Martin what do they want?

- You.

- Me, who, why?

- Russians are in
season. (audience laughs)

(knocking on door)

- Mr O'Hara?

Mr Tim O'Hara?

- Oh yes.

- May we come in?

- Uncle Martin?

- Who?

- Hm?

I was sleeping.

You woke me up when you
knocked on the door.

- Do you usually sleep in
your towel? (audience laughs)

- Oh.

- Realize you made
an error here?

You made a mistake of a penny.

Fourth column third line.

- Now now, just one
second, one second.

Both you guys.

I wanna see your badges.

- Who said we were cops?

Mr O'Hara, we know
you're eccentric.

Writing letters to yourself,
creating false hysteria.

- Letters?

- Yes, this letter was written
on your desk stationary.

It has only your
fingerprints on ...

It was written on
your typewriter.

- And the smudge on
the envelope was made

on the sole of this
shoe. (audience laughs)

Shall we? (suspenseful music)

- We're sorry we had to
disturb you, Mr O'Hara,

but your article disturbed us.

- It was just an article.

- There is no such thing
as just an article.

In the space age,
every bit counts.

One way or another.

- Well all I meant to do was--

- Create some doubt.

- Well, as a citizen.

- Of what country.
(audience laughs)

- Oh you've gotta be kidding,
you must have checked me out.

- We have checked
you out thoroughly.

- Oh well then you know--

- That you have been at the
local air base files many times.

That you have a
Washington (mumbles)

in your newspaper office.

That you have access to
confidential materials,

that you have written
an anonymous letter

triggering an hysterical article

questioning our current
project in space.

- Well I'm a newspaperman.

I was trying to help.

- With what qualifications?

Why didn't you let us just
stumble around in our own way?

- Two billion dollars
is a lot of money.

- Especially to someone who
can't account for a penny

in his checkbook.

- Alright it was a mistake.

I mean the article.

I shouldn't have said that we
received an anonymous letter.

It was a lie.

- X Y minus two over
pie R 19 squared.

- Oh well that that was
gibberish, a half truth.

- It happened to fit.

- It couldn't.

I mean it shouldn't.

I mean ...

- I think he's a Russian.
(audience laughs)

- Oh you couldn't.

I mean you shouldn't.

I mean you wouldn't.

I mean you could.

But you shouldn't.

- Oh look, the whole thing
didn't fit, Mr O'Hara.

The pie R 19
squared was nothing.

But the X Y minus two.

Let us say that could be
the start of something big.

(dramatic music)

- What's that?

- A friend of ours.

- That's a lie detector.

- You don't have to do it.

- But we do want to
send you home tonight.

- You really think I'm a spy!

- Honestly, no.

We have checked on you
as much as we could

in the brief time
available to us.

However some questions were
not immediately answerable.

Now with the help
of this machine

we hope to expedite your case
and with any luck at all,

close it in a very short time.

Now you understand
this is voluntary

and on your part, you are
within your rights to refuse.

- Oh no, I volunteer.

I'm not a spy, I
have nothing to hide.

- Good.

Now as I told you we checked
into your background briefly

and we have the
basic essentials.

Now let's start for
instance with your name.

- Timothy O'Hara.

- Your address?

- 1436 Greenhill Road.

- Now tell us about this man
who lives you, Mr Martin.

(dramatic music)

Oh come now, Mr O'Hara.

Let's not have the
pen jump around now.

Just take it slow and easy.

Tell us about Uncle Martin.

- Yeah.

Well my, my mother's sister.

- Speak up.

- My mother's sister was ...

I was born, had an uncle.

Well. (dramatic music)

The records were lost
in the great fire.

(audience laughs)

(suspenseful music)

- I'm sorry, Uncle Martin, I
just didn't know what to say.

- You should have
told them the truth.

Who could believe that
family tree you concocted?

- The truth.

- I've told you to
always tell the truth.

It's the world's best lie.

- Uncle Martin how can
I just tell them that

you're a Martian.

- Don't you see, they
wouldn't have believed you.

- But that machine.

- Would have recorded that
you were telling the truth.

You would have confused
them completely.

(suspenseful music)

What have they got in there?

What did they use on you?

- A lie detector.

- I know that.

Did it have a moving pen?

- Yes.

- Archaic.

- Uncle Martin.

Are you gonna tell the truth?

- Certainly not.

It's one thing for you to tell
the truth, another for me.

I have no social security,
no school records,

no traceable birth.

But don't worry.

They don't stand a chance.

- I'd like to ask
that question again.

- Sir, I was born in
South Bend Indiana.

Tim's mother was
married to my family

on my half brother's
side. (audience laughs)

- Let's talk about
your occupation.

You must have worked.

- A shoe salesman, a short
order cook, a garage mechanic,

a beach comber.

Then I decided to
become a novelist,

so I took a banana boat
to the South Sea islands.

(audience laughs)

- Would you mind waiting
outside for just a minute?

We'll call you.
(suspenseful music)

- Well what happened?

- One down, what's next.

- I don't know.

- Oh no, not that.

- What?

What are they gonna do?

- Hypnotism.

I taught it to (mumbles).

And I was with Count
Mesmer when he invented it.

(suspenseful music)

- Now you understand
this is purely voluntary.

You may call your
lawyer if you wish.

- I have nothing to hide.

- You are in a row boat.

- Row boat.

- It is a lazy summer day.

You're drifting.

Drifting in the cool breeze.

- Drifting, drifting.

- Relax.

Look deep into my eyes.

- Relax.

And look deep into my eyes.

- Four score, seven years
ago. (audience laughs)

A new nation,
conceived in liberty.

And dedicated (mumbles).

- Would you ...? (mumbles)

- Two down.

- Can we go now?

- Brainwashing.

- What?

Brainwashing, that's next.

- Can you beat it?

- If it wasn't in poor
taste, I could phone it in.

(audience laughs)

- You understand that this
is completely voluntary.

- I was born in Keokuk Iowa.

Actually we moved to South
Bend after the great--

- Let me ask.

- I am not now and
never have been

a member of any
subversive organization.

- Thank you.

I didn't ask that.
(audience laughs)

No I didn't.

- Where did you--

- Princeton, Yale and
Harvard at various times.

I matriculated at early ages.

And where were you born, sirs?

And what are your names.

- Jackman James--

(audience laughs)

(quirky music)

- How?

- Fine.

- Now can we go home?

- I don't know, I don't
know, I don't know.

I don't know.

You know what I do is not easy.

Especially ...

- Who?

- I don't know.

I don't know.

The longer I'm down
here on your Earth.

The oxygen, I, I.
(suspenseful music)

- Don't worry Uncle Martin.

You'll beat them.

- I don't know
Tim, I don't know.

It's something difficult.

Strange.

Drug? (suspenseful music)

- This is Doctor Weissboard,
one of our nation's

leading psychiatrists.

We were very fortunate to be
able to secure his services

especially on such short notice.

Now you understand
this is voluntary,

but since you volunteered before

we felt you had no objections.

- Is it a truth serum?

- A derivative.

Now you will tell the truth.

- Exactly as I told George.

- Who?

- Washington.

Never tell a lie.

I taught him. (audience laughs)

- Where were you born?

- Mars.

- Where?

- I'm a Martian.

- Let's start at the beginning.

- I was born in a sleepy
little celestial orbit.

As a child my father who
was a (mumbles) salesman

with territories
on Venus, Jupiter

and other surrounding asteroids,

used to take me on long
weekend trips to Phobos.

Which is the nearer
of our two moons.

Oh what fun.

Just Dad and I.

Shooting through the
silent red nights.

Cutting through the
canals with a spray

making gigantic pink rainbows.

Listening to Dad's
funny stories. (laughs)

He used to tell the one
about the poor Venutian

who put a down payment
on a summer asteroid

but it only circled
every two light years.

(laughs)

Sometimes I get so lonely
because I can't get home again.

- You can take him home now.

- Dutiful Mars, land
of the seven suns

and the gorgeous dancing
girls. (audience laughs)

- We understand
your anxieties now.

- You do?

- They're his.

He influenced you.
(audience laughs)

- He'll be alright
in the morning.

Actually he's just having
a marvelous night's sleep.

- Show me the milky way to
go home! (audience laughs)

- The reason you were
called in is that

in checking your records,
we learned about him.

- You did?

- But we're perfectly
satisfied now

that he's just a peaceful
Martian visiting here on Earth.

The classic syndrome of
patriotic anxieties of the day.

You see we all want to
go there, to outer space.

Some of us want it so
bad we think we are there

or have been there.
(audience laughs)

I suggest you treat
your uncle kindly.

He's not a well man.

- Thank you sir.

* We'll take the
Milky Way to Venus

* On the North Star

* We'll play tennis

* Watch out for Joe from Jupiter

* He's a blue mean menace

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin, don't push it.

- Pay the two billion dollars?

- Pay the two billion dollars.

* All the girls on
the moon are lovely

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin, would
you like anything else?

- No thank you, no.

I'm fascinated with your
government's space program, Tim.

Did you read here
that they've approved

an additional two
billion dollars

to the original two
billion dollars?

- Hm, that makes three billion.

Well I've learned my lesson.

Let them pay

[In Unison] The three
billion dollars.

The additional billion
dollars will be used for

the extensive development
of oxygen thermal rockets

which is exactly what they need.

They're going to make it, Tim.

- You mean it?

We're gonna be alright?

- Of course you are.

I never said you
weren't going to be.

It's like a child, Tim.

When it starts to
walk it falls down.

Then it picks itself
up, takes a few steps

and falls again.

But you always know it's
going to be alright.

You know it's going to
figure out why it's falling

and that's when the
child starts to walk.

(pensive music)

(audience laughs)

(quirky music)