Original subtitles

(quirky music)

(audience laughs)

- Hm.

- Hmm?

- Did you say something?

- No.

You did.

- No, I distinctly heard you go, hmm?

- Oh yeah well that was after you went, hm.

(audience laughs)

- Oh did I?

- Mhm.

- Hm.

(audience laughs)

- There you did it again.

- Tim, did you see this article?

Your government is spending two billion dollars

on a space program that cannot possibly be successful.

- Uncle Martin, I have in front of me right here

my friendly bank statement.

And over here, I have my enemy checkbook.

Now somewhere between the two, a penny is lost.

And the bank wants me to find it.

Yes, Abraham Lincoln.

Lost.

In a miasma of devious mathematics

and you talk to me about two billion dollars.

Please Uncle Martin.

Can we keep it quiet? (audience laughs)

And no more hm.

- Hm. (audience laughs)

- Two billion dollars!

- (mumbles) Minus z over pie R 19 (mumbles).

- Uncle Martin, Uncle Martin.

- Xy minus two over pie R 19 (mumbles).

- What?

What does it mean?

Uncle Martin, please wake up.

- Abraham Lincoln.

I knew him well.

He was never devious.

Miasma of mathematics.

- Uncle Martin, Uncle Martin!

(audience laughs)

Uncle Martin now look, what does that mean?

X Y minus two.

Uncle Martin, two billion dollars.

Now if you know something that the government doesn't.

- Is that what you woke me up for?

Hm.

- Uncle Martin, Uncle Martin, please there must be a way.

- There is.

Pay the two billion dollars.

(audience laughs)

- Narrow fiddled, he snores.

- Pay the two billion dollars.

(beeping)

(quirky music)

- And so Mr O'Hara and readers of The Sun,

while I am merely a lay observer breathlessly watching

our race in space, it does occur to me

that perhaps in our anxieties,

we are overlooking X Y minus two over pie R 19 square.

To not turn over every rock is to negate

the noble achievements of our magnificent astronauts.

We might as well regress to sending monkeys into orbit.

A concerned reader.

(quirky music)

(audience laughs)

(quirky music)

Dear Mr O'Hara, it seems to me that two billion dollars.

Mr Burns, Mr Burns!

(audience laughs)

- Monkeys in orbit.

Monkeys in orbit.

Two billion dollars is a vast sum

when viewed in its everyday common man taxpayer perspective.

Tim, have you gone out of your mind?

- Well I think it's rather well written.

One of my better articles.

Do not overlook X Y minus two over pie R?

You are out of your mind.

- Well Mr Burns compared me to Steinbeck.

- Steinbeck?

- Sam Steinbeck.

He was a hot reporter Mr Burns knew in the old days.

(audience laughs)

Why did Mr Burns let you lie about receiving

this anonymous letter?

- Well now, it was not a lie.

It happened to be in the incoming mailbox

and I took a letter out and I opened it and I read it.

- You wrote a phony letter.

Then you scuffed it with your shoe to make it look mailed

then you wrote this big story using the letters

X Y minus two.

- How'd you know about the shoe?

- I'm the Martian, I read the minds.

I do not do what you do, which is pussyfooting around

while innocent people sleep, kidnapping their mumblings.

- Now wait a sec, I can't just stand around

and watch the government blow two billion dollars.

- Tim, I told you to let them pay the two billion dollars.

- Oh that doesn't make sense.

- Tim.

The great technological transitions

which our country has achieved have come through

honest effort and brave industry and not

the naive intrusions of semi-informed newspaper reporters.

- Well alright maybe I'm semi-informed,

but a little bit of help.

- Tim, the individual must find his way.

The same holds true for a nation.

When Ben Franklin was playing around with electricity

would you have wanted me to help him?

And why didn't I help Alex Hamilton?

He was working on it before Benny.

And Isaac Newton under the tree.

Would you have wanted me to yell, watch out?

Wasn't it better to let the apple hit him on the head

and let him figure out the whole thing for himself?

They're coming!

- Who's coming?

- Bye.

- Uncle Martin.

Who's coming?

- [Martin] Answer the door before they shoot off the lock.

- Uncle Martin, what did I write? (knocking on door)

I mean what is X Y minus two over pie R?

- [Martin] Nothing, it's gibberish, a half truth.

Instant math.

I was reconciling your checkbook in my sleep.

You'll find the missing penny on the fourth line

in the third column of your statement. (knocking on door)

Answer the door!

You're making it worse.

- Just one second.

Uncle Martin, Uncle Martin what do they want?

- You.

- Me, who, why?

- Russians are in season. (audience laughs)

(knocking on door)

- Mr O'Hara?

Mr Tim O'Hara?

- Oh yes.

- May we come in?

- Uncle Martin?

- Who?

- Hm?

I was sleeping.

You woke me up when you knocked on the door.

- Do you usually sleep in your towel? (audience laughs)

- Oh.

- Realize you made an error here?

You made a mistake of a penny.

Fourth column third line.

- Now now, just one second, one second.

Both you guys.

I wanna see your badges.

- Who said we were cops?

Mr O'Hara, we know you're eccentric.

Writing letters to yourself, creating false hysteria.

- Letters?

- Yes, this letter was written on your desk stationary.

It has only your fingerprints on ...

It was written on your typewriter.

- And the smudge on the envelope was made

on the sole of this shoe. (audience laughs)

Shall we? (suspenseful music)

- We're sorry we had to disturb you, Mr O'Hara,

but your article disturbed us.

- It was just an article.

- There is no such thing as just an article.

In the space age, every bit counts.

One way or another.

- Well all I meant to do was--

- Create some doubt.

- Well, as a citizen.

- Of what country. (audience laughs)

- Oh you've gotta be kidding, you must have checked me out.

- We have checked you out thoroughly.

- Oh well then you know--

- That you have been at the local air base files many times.

That you have a Washington (mumbles)

in your newspaper office.

That you have access to confidential materials,

that you have written an anonymous letter

triggering an hysterical article

questioning our current project in space.

- Well I'm a newspaperman.

I was trying to help.

- With what qualifications?

Why didn't you let us just stumble around in our own way?

- Two billion dollars is a lot of money.

- Especially to someone who can't account for a penny

in his checkbook.

- Alright it was a mistake.

I mean the article.

I shouldn't have said that we received an anonymous letter.

It was a lie.

- X Y minus two over pie R 19 squared.

- Oh well that that was gibberish, a half truth.

- It happened to fit.

- It couldn't.

I mean it shouldn't.

I mean ...

- I think he's a Russian. (audience laughs)

- Oh you couldn't.

I mean you shouldn't.

I mean you wouldn't.

I mean you could.

But you shouldn't.

- Oh look, the whole thing didn't fit, Mr O'Hara.

The pie R 19 squared was nothing.

But the X Y minus two.

Let us say that could be the start of something big.

(dramatic music)

- What's that?

- A friend of ours.

- That's a lie detector.

- You don't have to do it.

- But we do want to send you home tonight.

- You really think I'm a spy!

- Honestly, no.

We have checked on you as much as we could

in the brief time available to us.

However some questions were not immediately answerable.

Now with the help of this machine

we hope to expedite your case and with any luck at all,

close it in a very short time.

Now you understand this is voluntary

and on your part, you are within your rights to refuse.

- Oh no, I volunteer.

I'm not a spy, I have nothing to hide.

- Good.

Now as I told you we checked into your background briefly

and we have the basic essentials.

Now let's start for instance with your name.

- Timothy O'Hara.

- Your address?

- 1436 Greenhill Road.

- Now tell us about this man who lives you, Mr Martin.

(dramatic music)

Oh come now, Mr O'Hara.

Let's not have the pen jump around now.

Just take it slow and easy.

Tell us about Uncle Martin.

- Yeah.

Well my, my mother's sister.

- Speak up.

- My mother's sister was ...

I was born, had an uncle.

Well. (dramatic music)

The records were lost in the great fire.

(audience laughs)

(suspenseful music)

- I'm sorry, Uncle Martin, I just didn't know what to say.

- You should have told them the truth.

Who could believe that family tree you concocted?

- The truth.

- I've told you to always tell the truth.

It's the world's best lie.

- Uncle Martin how can I just tell them that

you're a Martian.

- Don't you see, they wouldn't have believed you.

- But that machine.

- Would have recorded that you were telling the truth.

You would have confused them completely.

(suspenseful music)

What have they got in there?

What did they use on you?

- A lie detector.

- I know that.

Did it have a moving pen?

- Yes.

- Archaic.

- Uncle Martin.

Are you gonna tell the truth?

- Certainly not.

It's one thing for you to tell the truth, another for me.

I have no social security, no school records,

no traceable birth.

But don't worry.

They don't stand a chance.

- I'd like to ask that question again.

- Sir, I was born in South Bend Indiana.

Tim's mother was married to my family

on my half brother's side. (audience laughs)

- Let's talk about your occupation.

You must have worked.

- A shoe salesman, a short order cook, a garage mechanic,

a beach comber.

Then I decided to become a novelist,

so I took a banana boat to the South Sea islands.

(audience laughs)

- Would you mind waiting outside for just a minute?

We'll call you. (suspenseful music)

- Well what happened?

- One down, what's next.

- I don't know.

- Oh no, not that.

- What?

What are they gonna do?

- Hypnotism.

I taught it to (mumbles).

And I was with Count Mesmer when he invented it.

(suspenseful music)

- Now you understand this is purely voluntary.

You may call your lawyer if you wish.

- I have nothing to hide.

- You are in a row boat.

- Row boat.

- It is a lazy summer day.

You're drifting.

Drifting in the cool breeze.

- Drifting, drifting.

- Relax.

Look deep into my eyes.

- Relax.

And look deep into my eyes.

- Four score, seven years ago. (audience laughs)

A new nation, conceived in liberty.

And dedicated (mumbles).

- Would you ...? (mumbles)

- Two down.

- Can we go now?

- Brainwashing.

- What?

Brainwashing, that's next.

- Can you beat it?

- If it wasn't in poor taste, I could phone it in.

(audience laughs)

- You understand that this is completely voluntary.

- I was born in Keokuk Iowa.

Actually we moved to South Bend after the great--

- Let me ask.

- I am not now and never have been

a member of any subversive organization.

- Thank you.

I didn't ask that. (audience laughs)

No I didn't.

- Where did you--

- Princeton, Yale and Harvard at various times.

I matriculated at early ages.

And where were you born, sirs?

And what are your names.

- Jackman James--

(audience laughs)

(quirky music)

- How?

- Fine.

- Now can we go home?

- I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

I don't know.

You know what I do is not easy.

Especially ...

- Who?

- I don't know.

I don't know.

The longer I'm down here on your Earth.

The oxygen, I, I. (suspenseful music)

- Don't worry Uncle Martin.

You'll beat them.

- I don't know Tim, I don't know.

It's something difficult.

Strange.

Drug? (suspenseful music)

- This is Doctor Weissboard, one of our nation's

leading psychiatrists.

We were very fortunate to be able to secure his services

especially on such short notice.

Now you understand this is voluntary,

but since you volunteered before

we felt you had no objections.

- Is it a truth serum?

- A derivative.

Now you will tell the truth.

- Exactly as I told George.

- Who?

- Washington.

Never tell a lie.

I taught him. (audience laughs)

- Where were you born?

- Mars.

- Where?

- I'm a Martian.

- Let's start at the beginning.

- I was born in a sleepy little celestial orbit.

As a child my father who was a (mumbles) salesman

with territories on Venus, Jupiter

and other surrounding asteroids,

used to take me on long weekend trips to Phobos.

Which is the nearer of our two moons.

Oh what fun.

Just Dad and I.

Shooting through the silent red nights.

Cutting through the canals with a spray

making gigantic pink rainbows.

Listening to Dad's funny stories. (laughs)

He used to tell the one about the poor Venutian

who put a down payment on a summer asteroid

but it only circled every two light years.

(laughs)

Sometimes I get so lonely because I can't get home again.

- You can take him home now.

- Dutiful Mars, land of the seven suns

and the gorgeous dancing girls. (audience laughs)

- We understand your anxieties now.

- You do?

- They're his.

He influenced you. (audience laughs)

- He'll be alright in the morning.

Actually he's just having a marvelous night's sleep.

- Show me the milky way to go home! (audience laughs)

- The reason you were called in is that

in checking your records, we learned about him.

- You did?

- But we're perfectly satisfied now

that he's just a peaceful Martian visiting here on Earth.

The classic syndrome of patriotic anxieties of the day.

You see we all want to go there, to outer space.

Some of us want it so bad we think we are there

or have been there. (audience laughs)

I suggest you treat your uncle kindly.

He's not a well man.

- Thank you sir.

* We'll take the Milky Way to Venus

* On the North Star

* We'll play tennis

* Watch out for Joe from Jupiter

* He's a blue mean menace

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin, don't push it.

- Pay the two billion dollars?

- Pay the two billion dollars.

* All the girls on the moon are lovely

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin, would you like anything else?

- No thank you, no.

I'm fascinated with your government's space program, Tim.

Did you read here that they've approved

an additional two billion dollars

to the original two billion dollars?

- Hm, that makes three billion.

Well I've learned my lesson.

Let them pay

[In Unison] The three billion dollars.

The additional billion dollars will be used for

the extensive development of oxygen thermal rockets

which is exactly what they need.

They're going to make it, Tim.

- You mean it?

We're gonna be alright?

- Of course you are.

I never said you weren't going to be.

It's like a child, Tim.

When it starts to walk it falls down.

Then it picks itself up, takes a few steps

and falls again.

But you always know it's going to be alright.

You know it's going to figure out why it's falling

and that's when the child starts to walk.

(pensive music)

(audience laughs)

(quirky music)