Original subtitles

["Man Up" playing]

Oh.

Roman, I just got back into town,

and I am desperate for a blow-out.

Chelsea, my darling. I have missed you.

Oh, I missed you, too.

Let me look at you.

Give me a twirl. Gorgeous.

["Man Up" continues]

Where is Clark? Ugh, girl trouble.

The child needs you.

["Man Up" continues]

(Clark) That's me, Clark.

That's Lucia. Brazilian,

beautiful, and a total mystery to me.

And that's Buck. He's the problem.

["Man Up" continues]

And here's why.

Faster, Buck. Yeah. Yeah.

I've been styling hair all my life, so you'd think I know women.

You'd be wrong.

Hey, Roman. Sorry I'm late.

I'll be with you in just a second, okay?

God bless your mother, Clark. May she rest in peace,

but business is crap.

The mall and this Studio 54 decor

went out with free love and the Nixon administration.

Not what she wanted, I know.

I mean, I'm riding a bike and sub-letting just to get by.

We need some of that Brazilian heat.

I thought bringing in some beauties would make a difference.

Monica is popular, and Lucia has lots of regulars.

Stop it.

Regulars like barber-cut Buck.

And shampoos don't pay.

Nice tool belt. Sorry, uh, toilet doesn't work.

No worries.

[grunting]

Wow, it's really loud. It's like a fire hose.

Yeah? You want to play swords?

Uh...no.

I-- No.

It's Lucia's birthday party tonight. You should come.

Sure, okay. Maybe.

Okay maybe? Clark, I'm not asking you for a sperm sample.

[blows] It's a freaking party.

That's how you wash your hands? Free tip.

A man never washes his hands for more than four seconds. It makes you weird.

Teresa, you said you'd tell me, c'mon.

Teresa, please, just tell me how to get her attention. I'm not doing this.

I don't even know you.

I know I'm not your typical guy's guy.

To be honest, I'm the daughter my mother never had.

Not going to do it, Clark. I don't want to hurt your feelings.

Go ahead. I can take it. Okay, you're a little bitch.

[high-pitch voice] I am not a little--

I'm a bitch. You're a little bitch.

You sing and you dance and you style hair, bitch.

Okay, but that makes me creative. You play the flute.

I don't play-- The flute is like this. I play the clarinet.

Look at what you're doing.

Okay, look, if you want something more from women,

then you got to do more than this puppy dog eye thing you're doing.

I do not have puppy dog eyes. Yeah.

Look, what you got to do

is you're going to let the big dog out of the basement.

I don't have a dog, I have a cat. You're going to let the big dog out of the basement.

[grunting]

[barking]

Ow.

I can't wait.

[women's mixed voices]

Clark, que lindo. Si?

[mixed voices]

(Clark) Oh, yeah, here we go.

I am the man.

[toilet flushes]

Hey. C'mon, can I get some privacy, please?

We're late. I'm sorry, Clark.

No. Out. It's my shower time.

What do you mean? What are you doing?

You're shaving your legs? Yeah.

No, you're going to get your little leg hairs in my shower.

Can you please rinse me?

Once I rinse you, you got to get out. Go, get out.

[shouts] [laughs]

Oh, my gosh.

It's acaí root. From home. No.

Give me a bowl. I can't believe it.

You need to try this right now.

Open your mouth. Mm.

It's an aphrodisiac. It's a native secret.

Can I have some more? Secret. Secret.

Let's warm up for the secret.

Be quiet. Don't say anything about my secret.

Can you tuck me in?

Best roommate ever.

Let's go. We're late. Let's go.

Are you sure about this music thing? Why not? For sure.

It's super casual there. It will be awesome.

See you there. Bye.

Wait, wait. I can't--

I can't take my bike. I have my clarinet. I need a ride.

[engine falters]

No, no.

[cell phone ringing]

(Karl) Hello? Hey, Karl, it's Clark.

I'm coming to get you and Benjamin but there's been a problem.

[humming]

Grown men, huh? You guys are ridiculous.

Don't know how to do anything on the side road with a crisis.

You guys are just all together or something? You got a thing going on?

You're the bear and these are your cubs, big guy? Huh?

That's insanely homophobic.

I am not going to write you a good Yelp review.

Unbelievable. You guys are so embarrassing.

You can't jump start a car. You don't know how to change a tire.

It's not my forte.

"It's not my forte." What are you, French?

Yes, I'm a quarter French. My grandma is French.

That's nothing to be proud of. Where's your beret?

It's beret. Thank you.

Uh, I don't think so. There is a "T" at the end of that word.

The "T" is silent.

Look, we can't hurt our hands.

We're jazz musicians. Oh, you are?

That's really amazing. A couple of lady killers, huh?

What happened to your eye?

Don't worry about it.

It's a good thing.

[shouts] Jesus!

Whoa.

Do I know you? I'm Henry.

Buck was right. You are gorgeous.

Thank you.

He said you had a friend Clark that I should meet?

Hey, Henry is great, right? Sophisticated, artistic and shit.

How are you, Henry? This is not funny, Buck.

You should have warned him. What?

Am I not his type?

He likes women.

[laughing]

Clark? Clark does? Yeah, he does.

Sorry, guys. Can't help you there.

You're such a boy.

[playing jazz]

[cheering]

Dude, you suck balls.

Yeah, you wish. No, that's not right.

Nice comeback, sweetness. [laughing]

You've got the time? The time? I don't even have a--

If it weren't for my precious musician hands, I would have brought the thunder.

You pissed your pants.

Dammit. Hey.

There's no crying at my bar, bitches.

Oh, my God. I am crying.

All right, uh, you're right.

Can I have a Belvedere Vodka with lemon drop?

No.

I prefer an Appletini if that's all right.

No? Okay, I'll just have this.

[clears throat]

What is this? You need help. This is it.

What is? There are rules.

Midnight. No girls. One night offer.

Don't talk about it. You follow?

No, I don't. It's the answer to your problems.

Am I the only one seeing this? What's with the black eye?

Pete. Sammy.

What's up, buddy?

It's the tow-truck guy.

Hey. Do you follow?

Not even a little bit.

Man up.

Ah!

(Benjamin) What is this camp? Camp is for kids.

(Karl) What the hell is Man Camp supposed to be anyway?

This is what the address was on the thing.

Excuse me, sir. Can you please state your name, age and shoe size.

Sorry, sorry, we're just looking. Shoe size.

What? Um, 13.

Smaller than I thought. Teresa?

Hey, guys, what's going on?

What? I have a job. I'm not an heiress.

You moonlight as a security guard? Yup.

For what? What goes on in there?

Oh, I don't know. That's guys stuff. I'm just hired help.

What's the password? Try to keep up here, hoss. Sorry.

Stinky pickle fingers.

Just going to put that right in your mouth.

That was-- That was awesome.

Keep up, girl scouts.

She ate it. Come on.

Let's go, let's go. Arms up.

What's up? You got any drugs on you?

No.

I'm very ticklish. I'm sorry.

That'll do.

Gentlemen. Welcome.

To what?

(Karl) Okay, let's just-- Just keep calm.

Wait, wait wait. Hold me, hold me. Hold you?

Oh, my gosh. Oh, God, there's animals.

I hear like a jungle or something.

Why is there a monkey? Is that a monkey?

It's locked.

Help! Help! Help!

I'm hit. I'm hit.

Hit? You're hit with what?

[groaning]

Holy shit. Run.

Run? Just leave him?

[girl screaming]

[chuckles]

You feel that fear?

Feel that adrenaline?

That's a good thing.

Buck?

Here I am no longer Buck.

I am the Beast.

What? Welcome to the hunt, boys.

This is Man Camp.

I feel like Martin Sheen in Apocalypse Now.

"I feel like Martin Sheen in Apocalypse Now ."

[gunshots]

[groaning] Quiet.

Here's Luke.

(Clark) What is hap-- You tranq'd Karl.

Did you see that shot? Right in the jugular.

Nailed him.

For small game.

Like a wild bore or something. He's good.

He's not good. Wild bores are like 800 pounds.

He's definitely not good. And the Beast?

Who calls themselves the Beast?

It's a cool nickname I gave myself.

It's ridiculous. No, it's not.

(Karl shouting]

He needs a doctor.

He's good. He's not good.

(Buck) Shut up.

Sammy and Pete just graduated. You are the new recruits.

Why help us? Even Helen Keller had a miracle worker.

You're really offensive. You're an ape.

Clark, if you and your little weaner-sniffer friends can turn into men,

it could be profitable for you.

Weaner-sniffers? Yeah.

Other cultures have rites of passage for manhood.

Rumspringa,

bat mitzvahs, quinceaneras,

where they gather courage and confidence.

(Karl) Those are for girls.

But not here,

where the gender lines are almost negligible thanks to v-necks,

vegetarians, skinny jeans, vajazzling.

(Luke) You're all here for different reasons.

But you all share one thing.

Fear.

You're out there alone raised on Glee, Grey's Anatomy,

[groans] Destiny's Child.

(Buck) Pete, Pete.

Take Sammy for example. He was depressed.

I was once an accountant.

Timid and bullied.

And addicted to porn.

We found him a group therapy at the YMCA, and look at him now.

But not anymore.

Not anymore.

Most of these pictures are pictures of men's butts

Exactly. or men touching each other.

(Benjamin) Did you get fired? No, I did not.

Excellent.

All men should also know a few basic fundamentals. How to fire a gun.

How to effectively execute more than just the missionary position.

Fundamentals?

And all men should be able to take a punch in the face.

Tastes good, don't it?

[Buck shouting]

All right. You're choice, boys.

Go home and stay cowards,

sucking the teats of failure and insecurity.

Or come back tomorrow night and join the brotherhood.

The Beast will make you fearless.

[grunting]

The teat of failure? Seriously, Beast?

Ow. I thought you said there weren't any women in Man Camp.

We're not sexist, just secretive. First rule of Man Camp is--

The first rule of Man Camp is that we don't say the first rule of Man Camp

is that we don't talk about Man Camp.

What? Can we just take it down a notch?

You join us, we own you for a week.

I think I'm just going to be going.

Listen, it costs me a week's pay

and my balls are just now growing back, but Man Camp saved my life.

(Clark) Wasted time.

No way. Insane.

Nothing will get me back there.

[muffled moaning]

(Clark) I'm doing crosswords while he has sex with Lucia.

Athletic those two, huh?

Yeah, but why Buck?

She has us for the talk and the comfort ,

and she uses him for something else.

Faster, Buck. Yeah.

Yeah, that's it.

[speaking Portuguese]

Harder, yes.

[smash]

Oh, God. Ugh.

I'm not paying for that. [grunts]

(Clark) And that's the moment I decided on Man Camp.

Hey.

[grunts]

Oh.

Woo! (Clark) What an ass.

Oh, my gosh. You look fantastic.

Yeah? Yeah.

Whoa. So, do you like it?

Not sure I have the tits for this.

Come on. For sure you have it.

Really? Don't move. I think this will help.

It feels a little tingly. Yeah?

It's also a little arousing.

Are you serious?

We must keep up with the competition.

But I am not going near that thing.

God made me almost hairless, like a...

like a seal.

[barking]

(Monica) Clark, heads or tails?

How's the manscape?

Uh, cool and comfortable down below, thanks.

Mm, I could use a touch up.

Ooh, let Clark help. He could use the education.

Hey, I have had my share of waxed

pub...vaginas.

Mm-hm. Clark hasn't had pussy since a pussy had him.

Move your asses.

Don't let go. It burns.

Go, you pussy.

I can't let go. Don't let go.

You guys are going to need to be able to talk enough sports bullshit

to not sound like total idiots.

Hans, help me out. Basketball.

Get in to paint. Box out.

[All] Get in to paint. Box out.

Hockey. Come on, give me the power play.

Come on, give me the power play.

Oh, I think that's a hernia. Baseball.

Seeing eye, ground ball.

Seeing eye, ground ball.

Hail Mary getting in the dead zone.

Son of a bitch.

What kind of a name is that?

I was adopted, but my mother was Chinese. Named me Hui.

Which means nasty ass meany?

Ah. No.

It means kindness. And that's the moment when Benjamin fell in love.

(Buck) Stick with it, Karl.

(Benjamin) I'm going to throw up. I'm going to throw up.

When it comes to a woman's undergarments,

I cannot stress it enough you need to know the names,

styles, and hardware of all kinds.

Karl, get in there.

Let's get that bra off.

Benji, can I borrow your pocket knife? Try not to use a knife if at all possible.

Clark, get in there.

I feel like I would ask permission. Can I take her other arm off?

Don't. No. Just leave it on.

If she has one arm, just leave it on.

Ben, get in there.

I like that a lot.

When you fail,

you chop.

(Benjamin) I could have used this on your bra.

All wood must be split by the end of the week

working together as men.

Take a few cuts.

["Lumberjack" playing]

What the hell are you doing, Benjamin?

I don't know. It's fun.

You swing like my mother.

Wrong end, Benjamin. Bring it back.

What are you doing? Hit it harder.

[thump]

Let's hit the showers. Showers?

[groans]

You're all right, Karl? Yeah.

I'm going to need some aloe. I'm actually okay.

Yeah, I didn't bring my showering underwear.

Everyone showers.

If you can't get naked in front of your bros,

how are you going to feel comfortable bare-ass in front of the hoes?

What? It's okay to look. Relax.

Be a man. I'm a man. Do you have to stare?

It's not bad.

I like to air dry.

[chuckles]

You saw that, right? No.

Welcome to Buck's world. Don't apologize.

It's quite the amusement park.

[blows]

What is the worst thing I could do to you right now? Grab your junk?

Please, ah--

Is it that bad? Is it bad?

Let go, man. What the hell, man?

That was way over the line, dude.

Do not--

All right, look, women are tricky,

and I've been wounded bad.

I'll take the trap home.

Like in war? No, like in marriage.

War, bear traps and hunting.

I mean, these things are totally foreign to me.

I've never even been in a fight.

What the hell? Hey. [laughs]

Don't worry, all right? You want a woman?

You've got everything you need to hook to woogit, okay?

You just need to stop waiting

for everyone else to approve of the Clarkster.

All right?

You know what you need?

You got to bring the frigging Clark juice.

Can you do that? Can you do that?

What are you talking about? Can you do that?

You got to bring her the frigging juice, man.

You got to bring the frigging juice. What? Okay.

Ok-Okay, okay.

You know, you think I don't know my way around women, but I do.

Clark, I'm sorry. We were just teasing.

What is it? Stop it.

What are you doing? Oh, God. I'm sorry.

I do think you're sexy. Uh, it's--

You know, Clark, I know you have a thing for Lucia,

but this isn't going to help.

Wait, you do? Yes.

What happened to the women you've dated?

I don't know. Found out I played the clarinet.

You know, I was always told that women don't go in for all this hyper male stuff.

But then again I was in the friend zone constantly.

I'm sorry I kissed you.

Don't be.

Listen...fast isn't what women want.

You need to slow things way down.

More like melting eyes.

Wow, nice-- We don't all want our men tough, see?

Lucia does. Look at Buck.

Her ideals have a lot to do with the men she grew up with.

Not always good.

Like? Like a lot of bad boy friends.

And then of course, her father.

A lot of fun, fighter, a popular man's man.

Sounds cool.

He was until he divorced. Dated a lot of girls.

In the end, gored to death in Barretos.

Gored? Like by a bull?

That takes care of the liver problem.

Anyway, he left her dead broke. That's why we left Rio.

That's why she stopped shooting photos.

I didn't know.

Hey.

You better go to bed. You look awful.

Well, these nights have been pretty punishing.

We are the Beasts. Blood thirsty.

Here comes our prey approaching the waterhole.

What do you think of when you see two women at the bar like this?

Uh, sadness, broken dreams,

community college, human papilloma virus.

You're pathetic. Okay, what do you see?

I see nipples like bing cherries. Areolas like silver dollars.

A woogit lagoon of creamy sweetness.

Say hello to them.

What the fuck was that? Are you a club scout?

I'm warming them up. To sell them Tagalongs and Thin Mints?

Look, I don't want to be a playa.

What are you looking for? You're looking for a couple more Facebook friends?

Make one of these gals your good pal?

Drive them to the airport or something like that?

Look at these women.

They are vulnerable, yet curious.

Show them that you could eat them.

Make them your snack.

Go for it.

Ooh.

How does that feel? That's okay. That was nice.

Good girl. Hi.

Sorry about that.

This is Ellie. Hi, Ellie. How are you?

I have some other kids. Oh.

You have human children.

Good girl.

She pooped. Thank you.

You can put that right over there. Thank you.

There is no garbage, so...

Oh, let's go.

[dog barking]

(Buck) Let's get you home.

This is not cool, man. You didn't like her?

No, she's got kids. She was your snack, Clarky.

How does Lucia feel about your snacking? Hey.

You worry about how to deal with girls when you have a girl to deal with.

And I love Lucia, all right? She's the greatest.

But you cannot deny human nature.

Can't you? How about a little self-restraint?

Self-restraint is your exact problem, man.

You're as tight as a tampon. I'm not a feminine hygiene product.

You say you want to be with women, but I don't believe you, man.

I don't believe you. You don't even try.

I just don't want to be with that woman. Get off of me, man.

Okay, look, I don't know how to do this.

I was raised by my mom. I spent my childhood sweeping floors in her salon

chatting with her girlfriends.

I've never hung out with dudes before.

But now you are.

Is it always this homo erotic? And listen, all right?

I think Lucia may be the one for me, for real.

She's hot and smart and a great lay.

Oh, that's really touching.

Again with the closeness.

You say anything to her about this little flirtation,

and I will bust your jaw.

Okay?

And...big breath.

Ow. Oh.

You okay? Mm.

Put some of this on it?

Why not? Okay.

It's the price of beauty.

And you have hands like Botticelli.

And you are emerging as my Italian goddess.

The birth of Venus.

Somebody bring me a clam shell.

Better.

(Lucia) Ei, bom dia.

Bom dia. Wow, you look beautiful as always.

Thank you.

Oh, man, what have you been doing, huh? You look tired.

I was out late night doing man stuff.

Okay, got you. Party boy.

I would never tell.

No problem. I can clean you up right now.

Don't clean me up too much. Leave me a little dirty.

I know it. Women love it, huh?

(Clark) Oh shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Yes, they do. [laughs]

Clark, Clark, calm down. It looks like you're making a nest for a small animal.

I'm sorry. I'm just a little distracted.

You light up like a Christmas tree when you look at her.

I wanted her to notice me as more than just a friend.

Hey, when you were just a little boy and kind and curious,

your mom and I used to say you were a prince amongst thieves.

I was always stealing stuff out of your purses.

Just mostly weird tampons and stuff in there.

She'd be lucky to have you.

(Buck) Every man needs to know how to drive stick.

Otherwise how are you going to roll up in a Porsche, in a Ferrari?

You think James Bond drives an automatic?

He doesn't.

Come on.

Give them what you got, Clark.

[thump]

Come on.

Get out.

Get out!

What are you doing?

Hey!

[wolf howling]

Clark.

Just once I wish you'd get here on time.

Oh, uh, sorry.

What's going on?

I'm just looking for my cat.

Wendell? Pst, past, past, pst.

Have you seen him?

No, I think he's not here.

Come in.

Hey, nice PJ's. I like it.

I didn't mean to wake you. No, it's okay.

It's nice knowing you are always here, that you keep an eye on me.

Why don't you show them? They're lovely.

It's not so easy.

It was my life on the sand, in the water.

It was a good time.

But now, Brazil and I, we share only memories.

No Buck tonight? Uh-uh.

He spends late nights at home.

At least I think he does.

Yeah, probably a night owl, too.

You know, surfing the web. Midnight jogger.

Nothing to be suspicious about, I don't think.

Hm. Am I silly to worry?

No. No, you're not.

But I'm not sure he deserves you.

You and Monica think the same way.

Yeah, he's a loose gun, I know.

I little bit crazy, but I love that about him.

Right, got you. Okay.

Well, if he's your kind of crazy, you should know this.

Buck might act like a player,

but he wants you.

Definitely wants you.

Nice.

Thanks, Clark.

Good night. Good night.

Sleep tight.

Thank you. Sleep tight.

Field trip boys, tonight we role play.

You're going to want to know your fashion basics.

Christian Louboutin, Marc Jacobs.

Girls like that kind of stuff.

Anything colorful is an invitation, all right?

See right there? That is a front clasp.

You can spring those babies right at the entry gate. No fuss.

See, that is a push up demi.

There is little frills on the top. Very nice.

What you're going to want to look for is like a V-string, or a jackpot.

Boom, a thong. Stop doing that. Okay.

Single and available.

Look for newly shaven legs, gym toned, pedicure.

Any ink is good, all right?

She wants to be noticed. Show her what you got.

What, now?

Hello.

Hi.

Would you like to have sex with me?

Um--

Hey.

So, how are you?

You look good.

Teresa, has anyone ever just sat silently and--

That was working.

Everything I need to know about her is right here.

Ms. Greygoose. Two olives.

What is, Dior, Estee Lauder?

What are we calling this tint here?

Plum fatale? Vixen?

I have no idea, but I am impressed.

You put that on your mouth and you don't know what its name is?

I put a lot of things in my mouth that I don't know the name of.

She's playing a role, right?

I want to do that.

What does smoking and drinking have to do with being a man?

Don't be stupid. All right, I'll call.

That means we're done.

Let's see them.

Read them and weep.

Yeah, you got nothing.

Suck on that, bitches. All right.

Hey. Hey, where are you going, Clarky?

I'm going home.

Are you okay? I hate you, man.

That's fair. You don't deserve-- You don't deserve her.

You all right?

Uh-- Little baby bird.

I'm not a baby bird. Shut up.

I'm saying you look like a baby bird. Shut up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[vomiting]

Not going to hold your hair, Clarky.

Don't touch me.

I can walk. Okay.

Okay, that's the wall.

Let's go. I got it.

Good work. Don't--

You like to touch the butt a lot.

[Clark singing] That's not a real song.

I can drive.

We're here. You may not come inside.

Come on, come on. [babbling]

Where are you taking me? Come on.

I need a rape whistle.

Shh, keep it down. You're going to wake Lucia up.

You're going to wake Lucia up.

You smell the way puke tastes.

Oh, I farted. I farted.

That's a good one. That's a real man. [laughing]

No, you--

Where are your keys? No. No means no, mister.

No, I need it.

What the hell is up with your shoe? I hate your face.

Oh, come on, Buck.

Easy there, tiger.

You are a hair dresser, not a serial killer.

You know, maybe I don't have this mythic man juice, fine.

But I have this. I do this well.

Yeah, yeah, you do.

And why do you do this?

Cut hair. What makes you great at this?

I don't know. Don't give me that. Yes, you do.

I guess I help people find this new story of themselves.

You know, like find those little pieces hidden inside them

that they don't even realize they have,

that make them, I don't know, better?

Whatever. Yeah.

And maybe that is the juice to you, kiddo.

Helping people to be better versions of themselves.

It's for the prom.

[Brazilian music]

I look peaked.

Wow, it's a good look.

[wolf howling]

Buck. Buck.

Clark?

[speaking Portuguese]

Yo.

(Buck) Teresa.

Now, I don't know--

Such an asshole.

Yeah, go get them, tiger.

(Hui) Come on, move it.

(Teresa) Looking good, little guy.

Lucia? Save it. I know.

Hey, babe. What the hell is this place?

It's Man Camp. It's a secret.

I'm so fucking stupid. Come on, that's fine.

Don't touch me.

Holy fucking shit.

Teresa? Unbelievable. Lucia.

Please, don't say it was nothing, okay? It's never nothing.

Hey, don't be silly. Silly?

No. You know what?

My dad taught me a little bit about men.

About defending yourself, you know?

Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.

(Clark) Why me? You're supposed to know better.

I do. I'm sorry. I know not to trust.

I know that most boys don't grow up.

So, I expected this from Buck, not from you.

I didn't--

You said Buck wanted me more than he wanted to play around.

You lied to me.

He does. He-He did. Bullshit.

Lucia, wait. We're done, okay?

Cool down. Slut.

Okay, look, I get it. I broke the girl code. That's my bad.

Go to hell. What did you think was going to happen?

You're early.

He was single, 35, never married, kind.

He even paid for dinner.

I'd date that guy. What's wrong with him?

I don't know.

Just...made me sleepy.

And you?

You look ridiculous.

What? Oh.

Lucia popped me.

Lucia told me.

Man Camp? Seriously?

What you need is person camp,

and don't be a douche camp.

I know you have a thing for Lucia.

Why didn't you come to me? I could've helped you.

How?

I am a girl. I know the secrets.

There are secrets?

You don't know Lucia that well. Why?

She likes trouble. She always has.

She likes amor a primera vista y después

se acabó.

God bless you.

I didn't understand what you just said. Beach love.

Bitch love? Beach love.

The infatuation, the passion.

Yeah. It's what they call here summer love, you know?

I think we call it beach love, too.

Or bitch love.

Clark...look at me in the eye and pretend I'm Lucia.

Come on, show me what you feel. No, I'm good.

Oh, come on. Man up, man up.

Okay.

I-I've been thinking that maybe--

Oh, stop. You need to be direct.

You need to be honest.

Consider the kiss.

Make the first touch a work of art.

Mm?

I'm wrecked by you. Can't sleep, can't eat.

That's good. That's very good.

You're a Renoir.

Those liquid eyes, those red lips,

make me want to consume you.

Sorry, got a little mushy there at the end.

No, mushy is good. Mushy is really good.

It is? Yeah.

Yeah, it's good.

(Clark) Whoa, this is unexpected.

Oh, shit. What? It's weird, right?

Yeah, so weird. Should I, um--

Yeah, I think maybe you should go.

Go? Like stop. Like stop.

Oh, man, big mistake. Big mistake.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

I let the big dog out.

[laughs] Not so big. What? No?

It's like a Bichon Frise. It's-It's--

What do you mean? It's like a good, decent--

Clark, I'm teasing. I'm teasing.

It's good.

Oh, God, I feel like I slept with my cousin.

Oh, like Luke Skywalker and Princess Leah. Exactly.

Friends? Yeah?

(Lucia) Mon.

What the fuck? You two had sex?

No. Yes.

We did too-ish. I was inside her. Don't explain it.

Why? And how was she, Clark?

So good. So much intercourse.

Oh, we postponed it. We took a rain check. No.

So then, this is going to happen another time?

No. Probably.

We were play-acting.

With our naked bodies.

[speaking Portuguese]

Hey, speak English, please.

[speaking Portuguese]

Hey!

Nothing happened.

Why do you care so much anyway?

Shit.

First Buck and now this? Porra, ta foda.

I'm sorry, I swear. I didn't think you would make such a big deal.

I'm sorry.

But you have Buck. No, I don't.

I told you, Mon. He's screwing around.

We are not together anymore.

Well, I'm sorry.

No. No, it's okay.

I overreacted. I'm sorry.

This was weird. Yeah, it's--

I don't-- I mean, I didn't ever think of Clark like this.

So weird.

Then maybe you should.

You tell Lucia about those other girls at the bar?

No. Put the knife down. I don't get it.

You cheated on her. Hey, Teresa came on to me.

It was nothing like exercise. That's horrible.

Oh, really? You know, this whole women as wounded wildebeests thing,

it's fine if you're a lion thinning out the herd, but you're a reprobate, man.

I don't even know what that means.

This whole rakish, horndog cliche, it's lame.

I'm going to lose her, Clark. I need your help.

The Beast. The Beast needs my help?

No, I do, all right?

You do this thing where you actually listen to women,

make sense of what they're feeling.

Shocking, right?

Lucia talks about you like the History Channel.

Like some commentary on President Lincoln or the first flight to the moon.

She admires you.

Dammit, you--

You really want to change?

If it means keeping Lucia, yeah.

Will you help me?

If it's going to save Lucia from more heartbreak, yeah.

All right. Uh...

Lesson number one.

You have to care more about her than yourself.

That sounds tough, but okay.

Lesson number two.

Come here. Don't grab my jacket.

Just come here. What are you-- What?

Come here. What are you doing?

Come here. You feel this?

Feel it? Yeah.

This is what it feels like to be vulnerable.

To care. I don't like it.

Throw that over. I don't like it.

I understand you don't like it.

Now who is being homo erotic? Who did I learn it from?

It's a friendship hug.

Bring it in.

Let's not ever fucking do that again.

See? That's what you got to work on, man.

What? How did that get in there?

I realize now that you must alter your central suppositions about women.

Women are not just some external set of anatomical assets.

Vulva, mons pubis,

labia, majora, minora,

taint, teats, yes.

This is how you see women.

As twirling objects to be captured. Yes.

That is a very narrow-minded puerile view of the opposite sex.

I'm going to re-wire that caveman brain.

Breasts are functional. They can be used for sustenance.

What? Why?

Okay, well, they are not always going to be young and vital.

Actually, that's kind of hot. I'm feeling suicidal. Will you hand me a gun?

These people are women.

Including...Lucia.

Hey.

In what universe is this possible?

Dr. Tarantin was nice enough to lend me these instructional birthing slides.

Ugh. It's the Lincoln tunnel.

Oh, fuck. Make it stop.

Open your eyes.

I think she's crowning.

Lord, have mercy.

That's it. Let it all out. Let it all out, buddy.

This is going to help you see Lucia as a real person, not just as a conquest.

Look at this. From Buck.

I don't think so. What a joke.

Come on, give me a break.

Really, really? This is you doing your best?

Helping someone else get the girl you love?

Lucia still loves him. She doesn't even see me.

I don't have a chance. She's like blinded by Buck.

Okay, that is a load of shit.

Roman. Roman, stop. What are you--

No, this is tough salon love, my friend.

Your mother taught me this.

Do you feel that? Fighting for breath for life?

Let me up.

What the hell? Look at me.

I am old.

And this happens to everyone.

So, be sure before it is just you and your grinder app.

Because you have to live with your choices,

and maybe, just maybe you know Lu better than she knows herself.

She doesn't want me, Roman.

Isn't it obvious?

She wants a strong man, a bull.

Maybe.

But love is a dance,

and the bull wins easily

if he has no matador.

You're an idiot. Ow.

(Clark) As idiotic as Man Camp was

it did get me thinking about what it means to be a true man

or a true anyone.

Clark. Wake up, buddy.

Congrats, you did it.

I am the matador.

You are delirious. Come on, I'll get you to the hospital.

No, I'm okay. What are you doing here, man? Man Camp is over.

I'm in love with her.

Oh. You mean with Lucia?

[laughing] Dude.

This camp was not for you to get somebody like Lucia.

It was just to help you to stop being such a total wuss.

She threw the flowers out. Yeah, bad idea. Your idea.

You don't love her. Not really, and you don't know her.

Whatever. All right? She wants me.

You're not going to change that. Son of a bitch.

[laughing]

You can't win, Clark. I'm five times the man you are.

Not anymore.

There you go.

That's some breakfast.

(Hans) Come back later.

[woman] Let me in.

Girl trouble? Oh, you have no idea.

Me, too.

It was a good week with the boys. It was.

Nice job. Thank you.

Yeah, way to go.

Guys.

I need your help.

Oh, shit.

Go away. I don't want to talk, okay?

Good morning.

Lucia, I'm sorry. I screwed up.

I don't want to talk.

Please listen. I'm desperate.

I can't sleep, I can't eat.

You know, apart from these croissants...

É muito cara de pau é inacreditável, muito filha da puta.

No idea what that means but I completely agree.

I am an ass, and I'm sorry.

Get out of here, Buck. I don't want to hear all this bullshit.

What's it going to take?

Give me a chance, Lucia, please.

I know I've been a jerk, but I can see now that you are the only one for me.

Come on. How can I believe you?

How can you live without us?

Side by side we are so gorgeous together.

Let's have a bite

and we'll talk about it, okay?

We'll take a drive to the beach. I have to work.

You don't have to work. I will take care of you.

Okay? Just me and you and me together.

I want you to be more than anything I've ever had. To be family.

You should go, Buck.

Go.

But leave the croissants.

[knocking on door] Lucia?

Oh, Buck.

[exhales]

It will be great. We made a deal. Just talk.

Just talk, okay? Let's talk.

I want to fly to, I'm going to take you places, okay?

I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm so stupid.

We'll go everywhere together. Baby, please, come on.

You're such a boy, stop it. What are you doing?

I want to take you on so much more than a vacation.

Okay, what do you mean?

What?

Look, it's nothing I haven't seen before.

Okay, well, last time you saw it, not such a good reaction.

Are you sure about this?

Front hedge needs a trim.

Okay, but go when I tell you. Oh, wow.

What? I don't think I can machete through this jungle.

Stop it, stop it. It's like a grass field. Please.

[blows] Okay.

[shaking]

Are you sure about this? Big night tonight.

You have to count. Okay.

Okay, uno. Uno, dos. Dos.

No, I'll count down from 37, okay? No, no.

Thirty-six. Two.

Thirty-five. Go.

[whining]

Please, don't do it again.

One.

[crying]

Oh, you're okay.

I don't want it anymore.

Put it back. I feel like crying, too.

It's not good. I can't maneuver.

Stay on target. It's too close.

Stay on target. Loosen up.

[making laser sounds]

Gentlemen, these are not toys.

Gold Five to Red leader, lost Tiree, lost Dutch.

Hey, watch it. Sorry, sorry.

Okay, again, it is not that I don't appreciate it, but how can you afford this?

Oh, I can't.

El matador.

[no audible dialog]

Why are we dressed up like this, Mon? What is going on?

It's a surprise.

Oh, my gosh.

Clark did all this?

Who else?

(Clark) Hey, Lucia.

Clark.

I can't believe it.

Thank you.

It's so thoughtful.

It's completely overwhelming. Sorry.

I thought you might be ready to show them,

but that you need a little push.

Yeah, perhaps.

But I'm not sure if I knew it before.

Thank you, Clark. Thank you so much.

Thank you for all of this.

I think you're right.

I see you in these, Lucia.

You and Monica, you guys,

you two are like family to me.

Family? Yeah.

Lucia, what is all this?

I took-I took those photos, and Clark did all of this for me.

Clark, huh?

Did you tell him?

No, Buck, I don't want to-- Tell me what?

No, please. Dude, we're going to get--

Please.

Going to get-- Clark.

Oh, shit.

Porra, Buck. What?

Roman, what's up? I'm not even attracted to you anymore.

Yeah, right.

I can pay another month's rent and you'll find a new roommate.

You can't just leave.

I can't kick Lucia out, and I can't be around her, not like this.

I have to go.

Dude, this is not over.

We're going to go kick his ass. Are you coming?

I appreciate what you're doing, but I'm really--

Excuse me.

Excuse me, are you looking for Lucia?

Are you Clark Dormer? Yes, I am. Can I help you?

A bartender named Pete told me you'd know how to reach Buick?

Buick? Yeah.

You know him as Buck I imagine.

He drops the "I" along with everything else of lasting value.

I'm his wife, Cindy.

Excuse these two. I'm sorry.

Hi, I'm Clark. Did you say wife?

He's ducking me as always. What's this?

The IRS has issued a levy on back taxes for something called Man Camp.

They could seize the bar, and I won't let that happen. You won't?

No, because I own half of it.

I will. Uh, thank you. It's very nice to--

Oh, my God, this is going to crush her.

Dude, Cindy is totally his wife. We could ruin him.

Call Lucia, man. Right now.

I don't know, guys.

What would a real man do?

[whispers] Crush him.

Don't bother. I know why you're here. I already saw Cindy.

You're just going to lie to Lucia again? Break her heart?

Hey, asshole, cool it.

You want to dance, Clarky?

[bones crack] Let's dance.

Okay, it's over, it's over.

No, I lost. I lost Lucia to you. You're wrong.

What happened?

I proposed but then Cindy talked to Lucia. It's over.

You're still married, man. I can't believe you didn't tell Lucia that yourself.

Cindy and I are separated. We're divorcing.

It's almost through the courts but it's-- It's way over.

It's not way over. It's not over till it's over, Buck.

Where is she?

I don't know. I bought her two tickets to Rio.

Told her I loved her. She threw it all back in my face.

Look, I learned a lot from you, Buck.

But you can't be a man if you don't grow up.

Tell the one you love the truth. I know.

I'm probably not the best thing for her.

I thought you loved her.

I want her.

Not the same. No.

We're different animals, but you're all right.

You could have called Lucia and ratted me out.

I came here first. Like a man.

Like a man.

(Lucia) Clark, when I came to L.A. I was trying to escape,

looking for an adventure.

I was kind of lost, needing strength and protection.

And you helped me, Clark,

to see that's not enough and that's not love.

I think I must learn first how to be on my own

to find my way back to what's true and lasting from myself.

Where's Clark?

Ah. I'm here.

But Roman,

I'm going to need some time off.

Olé.

Ow. You suck at this.

Awesome.

You're glowing.

It must be the sweet acaí. Yeah.

Have you heard from Lucia?

No. Radio silence.

She doesn't answer her cell phone.

Do you know this beach? It's in a lot of her photos.

Praia do Toque. Beautiful.

You go through a small crack in a volcano wall.

Praia do Toque.

["Era Uma Vez" playing]

(Clark) I still don't know women.

Not really.

But I know what I want, and I know what kind of man I want to be.

Lucia.

How did you find me? I didn't tell anyone I would be here.

In your note you said you needed to remember what's true,

and I thought of your photos.

They always seemed like the truest part of you.

But I also said I needed some time alone.

I know. I can wait.

You don't need to.

Come here. What?

Where are we going?

["Era Uma Vez" continues]

Isn't that sweet?

Henry. Isn't that sweet?

Hey, be careful out there you two. Not too far out.

Henry, I am wilting. Let's take a dip?

Oh, and I am going to need more of these.

[laughing]

Here I am no longer Buck.

It's coming, it's coming. Here it comes.

Here--

I'm good.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

[laughter]

[Man] Second sticks.

Your choice, boys. Go home and stay cowards,

continuing to suck the teats of failure and insecurity.

Can I have a sip of your drink?

Sure, go ahead. Your lips were on this, right?

Okay, yeah.

It's good. It's acaí from Brazil.

A lot of energy. I like things from Brazil.

Yeah, I can see.

[laughter]

That's disgusting.

Nice pussy. His name is Wendell.

I meant Lucia. Ow.

When you fail, you chop.

So happy.

[laughter]

[Director] Cut.

I think I saw on the news--

I'm pretty sure it was your dad.

He was robbing a bank of stars. There were stars in the bank.

Fuck you.

[laughter]

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Has anyone ever just sat silently

and openly pleasured themselves?

[laughing]

I never noticed this before,

but your ears are too small for your head.

Yes.

No, it's like a sparse Alaskan forest.

I see monsters here. What?

I see them. Thank you for the compliment.

You're leaving soon. No, don't go till-- I'm going to count down.

You're touching it. I have to touch it.

Play acting. With our naked bodies.

[speaking Portuguese]

Hey!

(Hui) Ow.

I'm so sorry. Why are you sorry? That's the scene.

Okay, I really hurt you.