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[narrator] Here, in this mansion,
in a quiet London square,
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00:02:01,542 --> 00:02:03,584
a man lies dying.
3
00:02:04,542 --> 00:02:08,959
And as he dies, the world remembers
the feats which made him famous.
4
00:02:09,042 --> 00:02:10,501
The outrageous pranks,
5
00:02:10,584 --> 00:02:14,251
which time and again shook
officialdom to its very foundations.
6
00:02:15,167 --> 00:02:20,667
Yes, Henry Augustus Russell will
soon be joining the great majority.
7
00:02:21,667 --> 00:02:25,501
It's hard to believe that
this frail, ghostlike figure
8
00:02:25,584 --> 00:02:29,292
was once the greatest
practical joker of modern times.
9
00:02:29,876 --> 00:02:33,626
The dusky eastern potentate who
so nearly purchased the Albert Hall.
10
00:02:33,709 --> 00:02:35,334
The bronzed Red Indian chief,
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00:02:35,417 --> 00:02:39,084
feted for swimming the Channel complete
with feathered headdress and tomahawk.
12
00:02:40,001 --> 00:02:42,084
Goodbye, Henry Russell.
13
00:02:42,167 --> 00:02:45,459
Your last practical
joke is done.
14
00:02:47,001 --> 00:02:48,501
Oris it?
15
00:02:51,001 --> 00:02:52,001
Oh!
16
00:02:52,084 --> 00:02:54,084
[laughs]
17
00:02:54,167 --> 00:02:55,334
[chokes]
18
00:03:04,251 --> 00:03:05,417
Telegram
19
00:03:06,209 --> 00:03:07,876
for Miss Agnes Russell.
20
00:03:07,959 --> 00:03:09,084
Thank you.
21
00:03:10,209 --> 00:03:12,876
Oh. Will you please wait here?
22
00:03:21,876 --> 00:03:23,084
Come in.
23
00:03:24,959 --> 00:03:26,876
Excuse me, ma'am,
there's a telegram.
24
00:03:27,376 --> 00:03:29,876
That's no excuse to come in
here looking like a chimney sweep.
25
00:03:29,959 --> 00:03:31,292
Go and put your
apron on at once!
26
00:03:31,376 --> 00:03:32,751
Yes, ma'am.
27
00:03:34,167 --> 00:03:35,959
But the boy's
waiting for a reply.
28
00:03:36,542 --> 00:03:38,959
Well, let him wait.
That's what he's paid for.
29
00:03:39,042 --> 00:03:40,126
Yes, ma'am.
30
00:03:56,834 --> 00:03:58,001
Disgusting.
31
00:03:58,667 --> 00:04:00,792
Ethel, do you see
this photograph?
32
00:04:01,376 --> 00:04:02,542
Yes, ma'am.
33
00:04:03,792 --> 00:04:05,709
[Agnes] Well, don't
stand there. Come here!
34
00:04:09,001 --> 00:04:12,209
- Yes, ma'am.
- It's my brother. He died this morning.
35
00:04:12,292 --> 00:04:13,709
Oh, I am sorry, ma'am.
36
00:04:13,792 --> 00:04:15,917
The photograph is
smothered with dust.
37
00:04:16,792 --> 00:04:19,376
If I'd known the poor gentleman
had passed away, oh, I'd...
38
00:04:19,459 --> 00:04:21,251
It should not be
necessary for people to die
39
00:04:21,334 --> 00:04:23,251
in order to have their
photographs dusted.
40
00:04:23,792 --> 00:04:24,876
No, ma'am.
41
00:04:26,626 --> 00:04:28,792
I'm ever so sorry about
your bad news, ma'am.
42
00:04:28,876 --> 00:04:30,126
You have reason to be.
43
00:04:30,501 --> 00:04:33,959
Because I shall now be able to afford
some servants who know their duty.
44
00:04:34,042 --> 00:04:35,876
You can take a fortnight's
notice from today.
45
00:04:35,959 --> 00:04:38,126
- [whimpers]
- Now go!
46
00:04:38,209 --> 00:04:39,876
[sobbing]
47
00:04:41,792 --> 00:04:43,251
[sobbing continues]
48
00:04:45,751 --> 00:04:47,917
Mr Russell, it's
useless arguing.
49
00:04:48,001 --> 00:04:50,667
If every bank clerk in every bank
in England was half a crown short
50
00:04:50,751 --> 00:04:53,542
in his calculations every week, do
you know how much that would cost?
51
00:04:56,209 --> 00:04:57,417
Uh...
52
00:05:04,209 --> 00:05:06,143
If you'd like to let me
have pencil and paper, sir,
53
00:05:06,167 --> 00:05:07,768
I'll work it for you if
you really want to know.
54
00:05:07,792 --> 00:05:10,292
I don't want to know. I
want you to think about it.
55
00:05:10,709 --> 00:05:12,001
Oh, yes, sir.
56
00:05:12,084 --> 00:05:14,584
It's a very disturbing
thought, sir.
57
00:05:15,584 --> 00:05:17,501
But sometimes,
sir, it isn't easy.
58
00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:20,292
If it was easy, Mr Russell, there
would be no need for bank clerks.
59
00:05:20,376 --> 00:05:21,626
Yes... No, sir.
60
00:05:21,709 --> 00:05:23,209
- [knocking]
- Come in.
61
00:05:23,751 --> 00:05:25,417
Sorry to disturb you, sir.
62
00:05:25,917 --> 00:05:28,542
There's a person in the
bank asking for Mr Russell.
63
00:05:28,626 --> 00:05:30,306
Let one of the other
clerks deal with him.
64
00:05:30,376 --> 00:05:33,709
It's a personal visit, sir,
a lady. A Mrs Goodwin.
65
00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:36,667
Oh? Who might this lady be?
66
00:05:36,751 --> 00:05:39,376
Oh, no, sir, she's not a
lady. She's my landlady.
67
00:05:40,126 --> 00:05:42,501
The bank, Mr Russell, is no
place for a music hall repartee.
68
00:05:42,584 --> 00:05:43,792
Get rid of her at once.
69
00:05:44,417 --> 00:05:45,417
Yes, sir.
70
00:05:49,251 --> 00:05:50,334
Yes, sir.
71
00:05:51,376 --> 00:05:52,376
[door closes]
72
00:05:53,334 --> 00:05:55,667
So sorry to worry you like
this, sir, but she was most...
73
00:05:55,751 --> 00:05:57,834
Wipe that sycophantic
smile off your face.
74
00:06:00,959 --> 00:06:01,959
Hello, Mrs Goodwin.
75
00:06:02,042 --> 00:06:04,667
Oh, Mr Russell, I
thought I'd better pop in.
76
00:06:05,042 --> 00:06:08,501
Just after you left, a telegraphic
communication arrived for you,
77
00:06:08,584 --> 00:06:10,834
and I thought it
might be urgent.
78
00:06:11,209 --> 00:06:14,876
I didn't open it, of course, so I
don't know what there may be in it,
79
00:06:14,959 --> 00:06:19,376
but I think you should be
prepared for some rather sad news.
80
00:06:21,709 --> 00:06:25,126
Oh, Mr Russell. Was
he very dear to you?
81
00:06:25,209 --> 00:06:27,959
Pray accept my
heartiest condolences.
82
00:06:29,167 --> 00:06:31,501
Oh, thank you, Mrs
Goodwin. Thank you.
83
00:06:31,584 --> 00:06:33,792
Not at all, I'm sure.
84
00:06:33,876 --> 00:06:36,417
Well, see you at supper.
85
00:06:37,084 --> 00:06:38,084
Yes.
86
00:06:46,209 --> 00:06:48,084
Not bad news I hope.
87
00:06:49,084 --> 00:06:50,584
Yes, in a way, Miss Heath.
88
00:06:51,042 --> 00:06:53,584
A distant cousin of
mine has just died.
89
00:06:53,667 --> 00:06:56,042
Henry Russell, you
probably read about him.
90
00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:00,292
He was always
telling me that I...
91
00:07:01,209 --> 00:07:04,209
I lack push. Yes,
push, I think it was.
92
00:07:04,292 --> 00:07:05,584
Nonsense.
93
00:07:06,126 --> 00:07:09,126
Why don't you go and ask Mr
Wagstaffe for the afternoon off?
94
00:07:09,209 --> 00:07:10,667
Everyone does
on these occasions.
95
00:07:10,751 --> 00:07:12,417
Oh, no, I couldn't.
96
00:07:13,001 --> 00:07:15,959
Go on. Show you've
got some push.
97
00:07:18,292 --> 00:07:19,292
Go on.
98
00:07:19,751 --> 00:07:21,792
Yes. Why not?
99
00:07:23,209 --> 00:07:24,459
Yes.
100
00:07:24,917 --> 00:07:26,834
I jolly well will.
101
00:07:50,126 --> 00:07:51,209
[Mr Wagstaffe] Come in!
102
00:08:07,626 --> 00:08:08,626
Yes?
103
00:08:12,501 --> 00:08:13,542
I—...
104
00:08:14,751 --> 00:08:15,917
Well?
105
00:08:16,876 --> 00:08:20,376
A distant cousin of
mine has just died, sir.
106
00:08:20,459 --> 00:08:21,751
How distant?
107
00:08:24,417 --> 00:08:26,584
- A long way off, sir.
- What about it, then?
108
00:08:27,376 --> 00:08:30,084
Well, it seems I'm a
beneficiary under his will, sir.
109
00:08:30,167 --> 00:08:31,685
Just because you've
come into a few pounds
110
00:08:31,709 --> 00:08:33,834
doesn't mean that you can
behave like a millionaire.
111
00:08:33,917 --> 00:08:36,001
You'll be asking for
the afternoon off next.
112
00:08:39,751 --> 00:08:40,917
Oh, no, sir.
113
00:08:42,501 --> 00:08:43,709
Oh, no.
114
00:08:48,251 --> 00:08:49,334
No...
115
00:08:57,334 --> 00:08:58,667
I'll raise you a fiver.
116
00:09:00,209 --> 00:09:01,376
Your five...
117
00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:04,709
and ten more, Russell.
118
00:09:04,792 --> 00:09:06,417
Ha, a tenner, huh?
119
00:09:07,126 --> 00:09:08,126
I'll see you.
120
00:09:10,417 --> 00:09:11,417
Fours.
121
00:09:15,709 --> 00:09:16,792
Fours?
122
00:09:17,292 --> 00:09:18,292
How high?
123
00:09:19,792 --> 00:09:21,042
Four kings.
124
00:09:21,792 --> 00:09:23,667
If you beat that,
I'll eat my cigar.
125
00:09:26,626 --> 00:09:28,334
Better start eating, old son.
126
00:09:28,876 --> 00:09:30,209
Four aces.
127
00:09:30,292 --> 00:09:32,417
- Telegram, sir.
- Open it, Benson.
128
00:09:32,501 --> 00:09:35,292
Bad luck, old boy, but I did
have the decency not to raise you.
129
00:09:35,376 --> 00:09:37,209
Very kind of you,
Simon, I'm sure.
130
00:09:37,292 --> 00:09:39,292
Well, I hate fleecing
a pal in my own flat.
131
00:09:44,001 --> 00:09:46,209
What? [chuckles]
132
00:09:46,292 --> 00:09:48,167
Why, this is fantastic.
133
00:09:50,876 --> 00:09:53,751
Well, you'll have to carry on without
me, so make yourselves at home.
134
00:09:53,834 --> 00:09:55,292
There's plenty of whisky.
135
00:09:56,792 --> 00:09:58,209
- Oh, I like that.
- [door closes]
136
00:09:58,292 --> 00:10:01,917
You must pardon Mr Russell,
sir. He's had some very sad news.
137
00:10:02,001 --> 00:10:04,542
- My heart bleeds for him.
- [all chuckle]
138
00:10:06,251 --> 00:10:09,209
Hello? Mr Endicott?
Yes, Simon Russell here.
139
00:10:09,292 --> 00:10:11,501
I just got your
wire. Is it true?
140
00:10:11,584 --> 00:10:13,209
Oh, splendid!
141
00:10:13,292 --> 00:10:17,084
Yes, I thought it might've been another
of those infernal practical jokes of his.
142
00:10:17,167 --> 00:10:19,376
[laughs] See you on
Wednesday at the celebration.
143
00:10:19,459 --> 00:10:22,917
Huh? Oh, of course, I mean
the funeral. I'm sorry. Goodbye.
144
00:10:23,001 --> 00:10:25,084
I I'm happy as a lark ♪
145
00:10:25,167 --> 00:10:27,209
Benson, my dinner jacket.
I'm celebrating tonight.
146
00:10:27,292 --> 00:10:29,185
Now look here. Get on
to Christine and tell her...
147
00:10:29,209 --> 00:10:30,376
No, no. She drinks too much.
148
00:10:30,459 --> 00:10:32,792
Call Zena and tell her
to meet me at The Garter.
149
00:10:32,876 --> 00:10:34,917
She's always a certainty. [hums]
150
00:10:36,667 --> 00:10:38,042
[man] Are you
ready, Miss Wilcott?
151
00:10:38,126 --> 00:10:39,459
- Yes.
- Good.
152
00:10:40,292 --> 00:10:44,251
Blood Lust, a novel
by Jeremy Sinclair.
153
00:10:44,334 --> 00:10:47,501
Chapter one entitled
"Sweet Meeting." Paragraph:
154
00:10:48,376 --> 00:10:52,167
I walked into the room
and there stood Petal,
155
00:10:52,751 --> 00:10:56,709
her silken hair languorously
caressing one fair cheek,
156
00:10:57,292 --> 00:11:00,292
her lips red and inviting.
157
00:11:01,167 --> 00:11:04,542
I walked over to her and
slugged her on the mouth.
158
00:11:05,959 --> 00:11:08,001
[yawns] No, no, no, change that.
159
00:11:08,084 --> 00:11:11,501
Change that, Miss Wilcott,
to "slugged her on the kisser."
160
00:11:12,501 --> 00:11:13,542
Kisser.
161
00:11:16,334 --> 00:11:17,501
Before going down,
162
00:11:17,584 --> 00:11:23,542
she threw me a single glance of
searing hate suffused with scorn.
163
00:11:24,751 --> 00:11:27,042
She was certainly
a swell tomato.
164
00:11:28,334 --> 00:11:32,792
Oh, that's a beautiful beginning,
Captain Russell, it really is.
165
00:11:32,876 --> 00:11:36,417
I'm afraid it's all rather
disgusting, really, but...
166
00:11:36,501 --> 00:11:39,167
Well, they seem to
like the American touch.
167
00:11:41,126 --> 00:11:42,751
[exhales] Well, um...
168
00:11:43,251 --> 00:11:44,417
To proceed.
169
00:11:44,501 --> 00:11:48,292
[, uh, I leaned over her
as she lay on the floor,
170
00:11:48,376 --> 00:11:50,959
her green eyes half-closed,
171
00:11:51,042 --> 00:11:56,084
her bruised lips curled in a
slightly contemptuous smile.
172
00:11:57,001 --> 00:12:00,251
"Petal," I whispered,
"I love you. I love you."
173
00:12:00,959 --> 00:12:02,042
Uh...
174
00:12:03,334 --> 00:12:04,376
"I love you."
175
00:12:07,834 --> 00:12:09,751
- Three "I love yous"?
- That's right.
176
00:12:10,417 --> 00:12:13,001
Then four dots
and four asterisks.
177
00:12:13,584 --> 00:12:16,001
- [phone rings]
- Ah, bother.
178
00:12:17,584 --> 00:12:19,834
Captain Deniston
Russell's secretary.
179
00:12:20,501 --> 00:12:21,876
Who wants him, please?
180
00:12:23,667 --> 00:12:25,417
Oh, just a moment.
181
00:12:26,376 --> 00:12:27,584
It's your fiancée.
182
00:12:32,167 --> 00:12:33,167
Thank you.
183
00:12:34,917 --> 00:12:36,876
Uh, hello, dear.
184
00:12:37,709 --> 00:12:40,042
Yes. Yes, dear. I said
I'd phone you at 6:00.
185
00:12:41,126 --> 00:12:44,667
Well, it's... [chuckles] It's only
two minutes past, you know.
186
00:12:46,501 --> 00:12:47,626
Sorry, dear.
187
00:12:48,792 --> 00:12:52,834
Oh, just dictating letters,
paying bills, you know?
188
00:12:53,709 --> 00:12:55,001
Yes, dear.
189
00:12:56,001 --> 00:12:57,417
Oh, dear. Really, dear?
190
00:12:58,501 --> 00:12:59,792
Goodbye, dear.
191
00:13:02,417 --> 00:13:04,584
Well, now, where were we, hmm?
192
00:13:05,417 --> 00:13:08,292
Dot, dot, dot, dot,
asterisk, asterisk...
193
00:13:08,376 --> 00:13:10,376
- Four asterisks.
- Oh, yes.
194
00:13:11,251 --> 00:13:16,834
A convulsive tremor shook her
slender frame and Petal moaned.
195
00:13:18,292 --> 00:13:19,501
Miss Wilcott?
196
00:13:20,209 --> 00:13:21,626
Petal moaned.
197
00:13:22,626 --> 00:13:25,959
I know it's none of my business,
but I think you ought to tell her.
198
00:13:26,042 --> 00:13:27,251
Tell who what?
199
00:13:27,334 --> 00:13:31,167
Your fiancée about
you being a writer.
200
00:13:31,251 --> 00:13:33,334
If you're getting
married in a fortnight.
201
00:13:33,417 --> 00:13:36,751
I couldn't do that. Oh,
dear. Good gracious, no.
202
00:13:36,834 --> 00:13:38,292
Oh, she'd never approve.
203
00:13:38,376 --> 00:13:41,251
I mean, it's not as if I
were a Bernard Shaw.
204
00:13:41,334 --> 00:13:43,584
Oh, but she'd be proud of you.
205
00:13:43,667 --> 00:13:45,917
Not many people can
get a book published at all,
206
00:13:46,001 --> 00:13:48,084
and look at you, scores of them.
207
00:13:48,167 --> 00:13:50,792
And under 15
different names too.
208
00:13:50,876 --> 00:13:54,917
Yes, well, I'm afraid Elizabeth
doesn't consider this sort of thing art.
209
00:13:55,709 --> 00:13:59,959
- Well, if you ask me, I think she's a...
- But I didn't ask you, Miss Wilcott.
210
00:14:01,126 --> 00:14:02,626
Now shall we proceed?
211
00:14:07,376 --> 00:14:12,417
A convulsive tremor shook her
slender frame and Petal moaned.
212
00:14:13,417 --> 00:14:14,876
- Petal moaned...
- [phone rings]
213
00:14:14,959 --> 00:14:16,584
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
214
00:14:17,084 --> 00:14:18,917
Hello, Deniston Russell here.
215
00:14:19,001 --> 00:14:21,584
What? Telegram?
Yes, yes, I'll take it.
216
00:14:22,459 --> 00:14:23,542
Right.
217
00:14:25,334 --> 00:14:26,626
Just a moment.
218
00:14:28,959 --> 00:14:29,959
Yes.
219
00:14:33,709 --> 00:14:35,167
Thank you. Thank you very much.
220
00:14:39,834 --> 00:14:41,001
Well, well, well.
221
00:14:42,792 --> 00:14:44,292
Cousin Henry's dead.
222
00:14:44,376 --> 00:14:46,417
- Murdered?
- No, no, no, no.
223
00:14:47,209 --> 00:14:48,376
Very peaceful.
224
00:14:48,959 --> 00:14:51,042
He seems to have
left me a lot of money.
225
00:14:51,126 --> 00:14:53,251
- Oh, good.
- Good?
226
00:14:54,001 --> 00:14:56,292
No, I was very fond
of Cousin Henry.
227
00:14:56,834 --> 00:14:58,459
He was a remarkable man.
228
00:14:58,542 --> 00:15:00,167
He was rich. He was very rich.
229
00:15:00,917 --> 00:15:04,018
Well, at least this ought to put an end
to my having to write this sort of stuff.
230
00:15:04,042 --> 00:15:06,501
[chuckles] Goodbye
to Blood Lust.
231
00:15:07,126 --> 00:15:13,376
Goodbye to Merton Somersby and
Jeremy Sinclair and Gloria Trubshaw.
232
00:15:14,209 --> 00:15:15,959
Captain Russell.
233
00:15:16,042 --> 00:15:19,042
You wouldn't give up writing just
because you got a bit of money.
234
00:15:19,126 --> 00:15:20,751
It would be a
crime, you couldn't.
235
00:15:20,834 --> 00:15:23,667
No, no, no. Of course not, Miss
Wilcott. But don't you see now?
236
00:15:23,751 --> 00:15:26,292
Now I can afford to
write under my own name.
237
00:15:26,376 --> 00:15:29,626
Uh, but good books, great books.
238
00:15:29,709 --> 00:15:32,876
Yes, books that will...
Books that will live.
239
00:15:36,542 --> 00:15:39,501
As you all know,
our old friend Henry
240
00:15:39,584 --> 00:15:45,042
scorned the use of a solicitor in
drawing up of his last will and, uh...
241
00:15:45,126 --> 00:15:46,959
- Testament?
- Thank you.
242
00:15:47,584 --> 00:15:52,667
So he called upon me, his oldest
and dearest friend, to help him.
243
00:15:53,459 --> 00:15:55,501
It was a melancholy occasion
244
00:15:55,584 --> 00:15:57,834
- because he knew that his...
- End.
245
00:15:58,251 --> 00:15:59,376
Thank you.
246
00:16:00,542 --> 00:16:02,542
He knew that his end was near.
247
00:16:03,292 --> 00:16:06,834
With your permission, I
will omit the preliminaries
248
00:16:06,917 --> 00:16:10,084
- and merely read the essential...
- [Simon] Points.
249
00:16:10,167 --> 00:16:11,167
Items.
250
00:16:11,251 --> 00:16:13,667
Good idea. Let's
hear how much we get.
251
00:16:14,376 --> 00:16:19,042
To each of you he has
left the sum of £50,000.
252
00:16:22,667 --> 00:16:25,126
But before you become
entitled to this money,
253
00:16:25,209 --> 00:16:28,084
there are certain tasks of a
somewhat unusual nature,
254
00:16:28,167 --> 00:16:30,167
which must be carried
out by each of you.
255
00:16:30,251 --> 00:16:31,542
I might've known it.
256
00:16:31,626 --> 00:16:34,126
These tasks must be
carried out to the letter
257
00:16:34,209 --> 00:16:36,834
and may not be divulged,
in any circumstances,
258
00:16:36,917 --> 00:16:38,917
to anybody outside this room.
259
00:16:39,376 --> 00:16:42,042
And each of you must take
a solemn oath to that effect.
260
00:16:42,459 --> 00:16:45,084
Well, what are these
ridiculous provisions?
261
00:16:45,167 --> 00:16:46,834
I will now proceed to read them.
262
00:16:48,292 --> 00:16:50,334
My sister, Agnes Russell,
263
00:16:50,917 --> 00:16:53,292
who, for many years,
has made life a purgatory
264
00:16:53,376 --> 00:16:55,959
for those who she
considers her inferiors,
265
00:16:56,584 --> 00:16:59,709
shall, for a period of not
less than one calendar month
266
00:16:59,792 --> 00:17:02,376
and within one week
of the reading of this will,
267
00:17:02,459 --> 00:17:06,376
obtain a post as a domestic
servant in a middle-class home.
268
00:17:07,876 --> 00:17:09,876
How dare he!
269
00:17:12,376 --> 00:17:14,126
Should she, for any
reason whatsoever,
270
00:17:14,209 --> 00:17:18,292
be dismissed or resign from this
post before the end of this month,
271
00:17:18,376 --> 00:17:20,709
she shall forfeit her
share in my fortune.
272
00:17:23,792 --> 00:17:25,126
I shall contest the will.
273
00:17:25,209 --> 00:17:28,501
I forgot to add that if any
one of you contests the will,
274
00:17:28,584 --> 00:17:31,042
the whole fortune for
all of you will be forfeited.
275
00:17:31,126 --> 00:17:33,626
In that case, Cousin Agnes
will not contest the will.
276
00:17:33,709 --> 00:17:35,709
- But I tell you that...
- My second cousin,
277
00:17:35,792 --> 00:17:39,626
Captain Deniston Russell,
Royal Army Pay Corps, retired,
278
00:17:39,709 --> 00:17:42,376
whose hideous secret I
must now reveal to you,
279
00:17:42,459 --> 00:17:47,084
has become a writer of penny dreadfuls
in the worst possible taste and style.
280
00:17:48,251 --> 00:17:49,626
How on earth did he find out?
281
00:17:49,709 --> 00:17:51,584
You? A writer?
282
00:17:51,667 --> 00:17:53,792
And in the worst
possible taste too.
283
00:17:55,209 --> 00:17:58,042
- Aren't they a bit, uh...
- Certainly not.
284
00:17:58,126 --> 00:18:02,334
The gallant captain shall spend
not less and not more than 28 days
285
00:18:02,417 --> 00:18:04,334
in one of His Majesty's
London prisons...
286
00:18:05,709 --> 00:18:10,292
having been properly sentenced for
a genuine crime committed by himself
287
00:18:10,376 --> 00:18:12,834
within one week of
the reading of this will.
288
00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:17,792
Should he fail in this endeavour, he
shall forfeit his share of my fortune.
289
00:18:19,167 --> 00:18:20,417
Crime?
290
00:18:21,459 --> 00:18:22,459
Prison?
291
00:18:22,917 --> 00:18:25,751
Oh, but I... I'm to be
married in a fortnight.
292
00:18:26,334 --> 00:18:28,167
And to the daughter
of a magistrate.
293
00:18:28,251 --> 00:18:30,209
Well, perhaps you'll
marry her in prison.
294
00:18:30,292 --> 00:18:32,251
Oh, no. That's only
for expectant mothers.
295
00:18:32,334 --> 00:18:36,084
My fourth cousin
twice-removed, Herbert Russell,
296
00:18:36,167 --> 00:18:41,042
who has surely failed in the baking world
owing to his determination to be bullied,
297
00:18:41,126 --> 00:18:44,459
shall, with the aid of a
mask and a toy pistol,
298
00:18:44,542 --> 00:18:47,959
hold up his current bank
manager in his own office
299
00:18:48,042 --> 00:18:51,417
in the manner of one of his
cousin Deniston's fictional gangsters
300
00:18:52,126 --> 00:18:54,834
and will force him to hand
over the keys of the bank.
301
00:18:55,292 --> 00:18:59,542
Should he fail or be unmasked or
overpowered before two minutes are up,
302
00:18:59,626 --> 00:19:02,167
his share of the
fortune shall be forfeited.
303
00:19:02,251 --> 00:19:05,251
Bu-bu-but how... How could [?
304
00:19:05,876 --> 00:19:07,126
How could he...
305
00:19:09,417 --> 00:19:11,084
It's impossible.
306
00:19:11,167 --> 00:19:14,709
Not even a real gangster would
dare to point a gun at Mr Wagstaffe.
307
00:19:15,167 --> 00:19:17,667
Or point anything
at Mr Wagstaffe.
308
00:19:18,626 --> 00:19:21,376
My first cousin, Simon Russell,
309
00:19:21,459 --> 00:19:24,751
who has gone through life at the
expense of others' hearts and pockets,
310
00:19:24,834 --> 00:19:28,084
shall marry the first unmarried
woman to whom he speaks
311
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:31,792
after the reading of this
will, of no matter what age.
312
00:19:34,751 --> 00:19:38,792
Should his well-known charm fail
to persuade the lady to marry him,
313
00:19:38,876 --> 00:19:41,376
his share of my
fortune shall be forfeited.
314
00:19:42,626 --> 00:19:44,251
Easy! [chuckles]
315
00:19:44,334 --> 00:19:46,667
I always knew he
liked me best. Hmm.
316
00:19:46,751 --> 00:19:47,959
Thanks, Cousin Henry.
317
00:19:48,042 --> 00:19:51,209
Nevertheless, we must all
stand together and contest the will.
318
00:19:51,292 --> 00:19:53,709
Perhaps you'd
like to... [laughs]
319
00:19:53,792 --> 00:19:57,709
You can tell Cousin Agnes that she's
the last woman I shall speak to first.
320
00:19:57,792 --> 00:19:59,501
What's she grumbling
about anyway?
321
00:19:59,584 --> 00:20:03,001
Nobody in their proper mind would
sack a servant with the present shortage.
322
00:20:03,084 --> 00:20:06,334
After all, 50,000
quid is 50,000 quid.
323
00:20:06,417 --> 00:20:08,876
Before we come to the
taking of the solemn oath,
324
00:20:08,959 --> 00:20:12,376
there is one small
formality to be carried out.
325
00:20:12,459 --> 00:20:14,084
We must all rise.
326
00:20:14,667 --> 00:20:15,792
Rise.
327
00:20:17,501 --> 00:20:18,834
All rise.
328
00:20:18,917 --> 00:20:20,102
[Simon] Come along. Upsy-daisy.
329
00:20:20,126 --> 00:20:21,542
Step this way.
330
00:20:26,001 --> 00:20:29,709
And drink a toast to
our beloved benefactor
331
00:20:29,792 --> 00:20:35,167
while singing a verse of that popular
melody "For He's a Jolly Good"... Um...
332
00:20:35,251 --> 00:20:37,209
- Fellow?
- Exactly.
333
00:20:38,167 --> 00:20:40,167
Face our dear benefactor.
334
00:20:41,084 --> 00:20:42,751
Raise your glasses.
335
00:20:43,334 --> 00:20:45,042
Raise your glasses.
336
00:20:46,334 --> 00:20:49,001
- And sing with me.
- [glass chimes]
337
00:20:49,084 --> 00:20:53,209
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow &
338
00:20:53,292 --> 00:20:55,917
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow &
339
00:20:56,001 --> 00:20:59,792
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow &
340
00:20:59,876 --> 00:21:02,626
♪ And so say all of us ♪
341
00:21:02,709 --> 00:21:05,126
♪ And so say all of us ♪
342
00:21:05,209 --> 00:21:07,917
♪ And so say all of us ♪
343
00:21:08,001 --> 00:21:11,042
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow &
344
00:21:11,126 --> 00:21:13,084
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow &
345
00:21:13,167 --> 00:21:15,667
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow &
346
00:21:15,751 --> 00:21:19,042
♪ And so say all of us ♪
347
00:21:19,126 --> 00:21:21,751
Now drink to our dear departed.
348
00:21:26,292 --> 00:21:29,167
[chuckles] Ask Cousin
Agnes if I can give her a lift
349
00:21:29,251 --> 00:21:31,251
to the nearest
employment exchange.
350
00:21:31,334 --> 00:21:32,334
No?
351
00:21:34,292 --> 00:21:36,959
How about you, Herbert?
Can I drop you at the gunsmith?
352
00:21:37,501 --> 00:21:38,501
What for?
353
00:21:38,584 --> 00:21:41,376
Well, you can't hold up a
bank with a fountain pen.
354
00:21:41,459 --> 00:21:43,584
Oh, no. I'm going to
get that at a toy shop.
355
00:21:43,667 --> 00:21:45,376
That's the least of my worries.
356
00:21:46,209 --> 00:21:48,834
It's where I'm going to find
the courage that's puzzling me.
357
00:21:48,917 --> 00:21:52,876
Look, Herbert, there's a little work
of mine called The Bank Bandit.
358
00:21:52,959 --> 00:21:54,751
It might give you
a few pointers.
359
00:21:54,834 --> 00:21:56,667
I'll be glad to put it
in the post for you.
360
00:21:56,751 --> 00:21:57,792
Oh, thank you.
361
00:21:57,876 --> 00:21:59,334
[laughs] Well,
hop in, both of you.
362
00:21:59,417 --> 00:22:01,876
No, I think I'll get
my bus at the corner.
363
00:22:01,959 --> 00:22:03,126
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
364
00:22:03,209 --> 00:22:04,501
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye, Herbert.
365
00:22:04,584 --> 00:22:07,084
Come on, Edgar Wallace.
I'll buy you a snifter.
366
00:22:08,417 --> 00:22:11,959
How-how-how on earth do
you afford a vehicle like this?
367
00:22:12,042 --> 00:22:14,292
I don't, old boy.
Got it on appro.
368
00:22:14,376 --> 00:22:17,167
Just keep it a week, then send
it back. Say you don't want it.
369
00:22:17,251 --> 00:22:19,584
Give you the address if
you want to try. [chuckles]
370
00:22:23,292 --> 00:22:25,751
- Two more large whiskies, please, George.
- Certainly, sir.
371
00:22:26,751 --> 00:22:28,167
Cheer up, old boy.
372
00:22:28,251 --> 00:22:29,792
It's only a matter of time.
373
00:22:32,167 --> 00:22:34,584
Everything seemed
so rosy this morning.
374
00:22:35,292 --> 00:22:38,084
The hope of money to
come, marriage in a fortnight.
375
00:22:38,167 --> 00:22:40,626
But now instead of a
honeymoon in Harrogate,
376
00:22:41,251 --> 00:22:42,834
prison in Pentonville.
377
00:22:43,917 --> 00:22:45,876
I fear I shall lose
my Elizabeth.
378
00:22:45,959 --> 00:22:49,292
Oh, nonsense. She'll stand
by you if she's good, scout.
379
00:22:51,126 --> 00:22:54,084
- Elizabeth is an officer and a lady.
- [chuckles]
380
00:22:54,167 --> 00:22:56,042
Well, just tell her it's
worth 50,000 smackers,
381
00:22:56,126 --> 00:22:58,286
and I'm sure she'll be
delighted with the whole affair.
382
00:22:59,001 --> 00:23:02,167
I would remind you, Russell, that we
have both taken a most solemn oath
383
00:23:02,251 --> 00:23:04,584
not to divulge the
contents of the will.
384
00:23:05,084 --> 00:23:06,417
Yes, so we have.
385
00:23:06,792 --> 00:23:07,876
Well, look here.
386
00:23:07,959 --> 00:23:10,626
If she does give you the bird,
what about palming her off on me?
387
00:23:11,834 --> 00:23:13,126
Certainly not.
388
00:23:14,084 --> 00:23:16,001
What a disgusting suggestion!
389
00:23:16,084 --> 00:23:18,751
- To marry, I mean.
- [laughs]
390
00:23:20,709 --> 00:23:23,084
- Thirty shillings for you.
- Huh.
391
00:23:23,709 --> 00:23:26,376
Huh, remarkable thing. I've
come out without my wallet.
392
00:23:26,459 --> 00:23:27,834
Lend me a fiver, old boy.
393
00:23:31,376 --> 00:23:32,376
Thanks.
394
00:23:32,751 --> 00:23:35,042
Better make it a tenner.
Easier to remember.
395
00:23:36,209 --> 00:23:37,501
What on earth's that?
396
00:23:39,126 --> 00:23:40,459
That is Elizabeth.
397
00:23:41,459 --> 00:23:44,459
You're dead right, old
boy. Not my cup of tea at all.
398
00:23:44,542 --> 00:23:46,417
[laughing] I should hope not.
399
00:23:46,501 --> 00:23:48,292
Look, I must telephone her now.
400
00:23:48,376 --> 00:23:50,459
- Box is over there.
- Oh, thank you.
401
00:23:51,084 --> 00:23:54,542
With all this on my mind, I
just cannot face her tonight.
402
00:23:56,209 --> 00:23:57,876
Couldn't face her any night.
403
00:23:59,376 --> 00:24:00,626
Hello.
404
00:24:01,917 --> 00:24:04,501
- Want a ciggy?
- Oh, no, sweetie.
405
00:24:04,584 --> 00:24:06,751
No, I'm smoking
cigars from now on.
406
00:24:06,834 --> 00:24:09,917
What about a date later on this
evening? I feel like celebrating.
407
00:24:10,001 --> 00:24:14,417
Look, I don't want that old goat in
the telephone box to see us talking.
408
00:24:14,501 --> 00:24:16,501
- Why?
- Well, don't think me mad,
409
00:24:16,584 --> 00:24:19,334
but just for the moment I'm
not allowed to talk to women.
410
00:24:19,959 --> 00:24:21,959
Don't I count as a woman?
411
00:24:22,584 --> 00:24:24,876
You see, dear,
something has occurred.
412
00:24:24,959 --> 00:24:29,334
But you promised to take me out
tonight, and I've had a bath specially.
413
00:24:30,584 --> 00:24:33,917
I got some splendid news for
you about my wedding leave.
414
00:24:34,001 --> 00:24:36,542
Commandant Borthwaite's
given me 28 days.
415
00:24:36,626 --> 00:24:38,167
Mmm, 28.
416
00:24:38,626 --> 00:24:39,834
Twenty-eight days?
417
00:24:40,501 --> 00:24:41,501
Oh...
418
00:24:42,209 --> 00:24:44,584
Oh, dear. I know...
419
00:24:45,376 --> 00:24:46,792
Yes, dear, of course, of course.
420
00:24:46,876 --> 00:24:49,001
It could be splendid.
But you see...
421
00:24:49,084 --> 00:24:51,792
Well, you see, he said
you only get spliced once
422
00:24:51,876 --> 00:24:54,876
and might as well
enjoy it. [laughs]
423
00:24:54,959 --> 00:24:56,709
Huh? Huh?
424
00:24:58,792 --> 00:25:01,334
Denny, postpone our
wedding? After ten years?
425
00:25:01,834 --> 00:25:02,959
You're not serious.
426
00:25:03,542 --> 00:25:04,751
You don't mean it.
427
00:25:05,376 --> 00:25:09,292
Well, what am I to say to
Commandant Borthwaite and the girls?
428
00:25:09,792 --> 00:25:12,417
They've... they've bought us
a toast rack and everything.
429
00:25:13,459 --> 00:25:16,001
You're breaking
my heart, that's all.
430
00:25:16,667 --> 00:25:18,334
No, you can't explain.
431
00:25:19,126 --> 00:25:21,542
All right, then. Tomorrow
morning at 11:00.
432
00:25:21,626 --> 00:25:22,751
On the dot!
433
00:25:23,834 --> 00:25:24,959
[sighs]
434
00:25:25,876 --> 00:25:27,001
Daddykins...
435
00:25:28,209 --> 00:25:29,209
Daddy?
436
00:25:30,376 --> 00:25:31,792
Daddy, did you hear that?
437
00:25:32,376 --> 00:25:33,417
Did you hear it?
438
00:25:33,501 --> 00:25:35,834
I told you so. Shifty customer.
439
00:25:35,917 --> 00:25:38,001
Always said so, always will.
440
00:25:38,084 --> 00:25:39,459
Never liked him, never shall.
441
00:25:39,542 --> 00:25:42,126
Sort of fellow who will end
up in the hands of the police.
442
00:25:44,167 --> 00:25:45,709
Now you see,
Scott's got the ball.
443
00:25:45,792 --> 00:25:48,334
He tricks the outside
left, lobs down to Mercer,
444
00:25:48,417 --> 00:25:50,001
Mercer heads it down to Compton,
445
00:25:50,084 --> 00:25:52,251
Compton kicks it
down, passes it to Logie.
446
00:25:52,334 --> 00:25:54,477
Logie to Louis, Louis up to the
outside right, what's his name?
447
00:25:54,501 --> 00:25:55,751
- Roper?
- Roper, Roper.
448
00:25:55,834 --> 00:25:57,876
He slides in and he slams...
449
00:25:59,209 --> 00:26:00,334
[chuckles]
450
00:26:00,417 --> 00:26:02,167
- Good evening.
- Yes?
451
00:26:02,251 --> 00:26:05,959
Uh, look, I am most anxious
to go to prison for 28 days,
452
00:26:06,042 --> 00:26:07,917
and I wondered if you
had any suggestions.
453
00:26:09,167 --> 00:26:14,751
[laughing] Well, have you committed
any crime, felony or breach of the peace?
454
00:26:14,834 --> 00:26:16,792
No, not yet.
455
00:26:16,876 --> 00:26:19,542
Though, within reason,
I am prepared to.
456
00:26:20,334 --> 00:26:22,376
Then get out of here. Can't
you see we're very busy?
457
00:26:22,459 --> 00:26:24,417
Go on, Eddy. Roper had
the ball. What happened?
458
00:26:24,501 --> 00:26:26,376
Wait, I don't think
you quite understand.
459
00:26:27,167 --> 00:26:30,917
For reasons which I cannot
divulge, I must go to prison.
460
00:26:31,001 --> 00:26:32,459
And I've come for your advice.
461
00:26:32,542 --> 00:26:34,126
You've had it. Now hop it.
462
00:26:34,209 --> 00:26:36,518
Oh, look here, my man. I'm
asking a perfectly civil question.
463
00:26:36,542 --> 00:26:38,376
And you got a civil
answer. Now hop it.
464
00:26:38,459 --> 00:26:39,876
I'm a taxpayer.
465
00:26:39,959 --> 00:26:42,251
What is more, I'm a personal
friend of the commissioner.
466
00:26:42,334 --> 00:26:43,792
Then I should go
and see him, sir.
467
00:26:43,876 --> 00:26:46,876
You'll find that he's far
less busy than we are.
468
00:26:48,376 --> 00:26:49,376
Good evening, Benson.
469
00:26:49,459 --> 00:26:51,751
Your lord and master is
now a man of substance.
470
00:26:51,834 --> 00:26:54,876
Congratulations, sir. How much?
471
00:26:54,959 --> 00:26:58,167
50,000 smackers,
Benson. 50,000 iron men.
472
00:26:58,251 --> 00:26:59,709
Splendid, sir, splendid.
473
00:26:59,792 --> 00:27:03,376
In that case, we might have a
little chat about my arrears of salary.
474
00:27:03,459 --> 00:27:07,542
Er, quite. But I shall have
to borrow a few more quid
475
00:27:07,626 --> 00:27:09,501
just to see me through
the testing period.
476
00:27:09,584 --> 00:27:13,042
Oh. Oh, in that case, we haven't
been left anything at all, is that it, sir?
477
00:27:13,126 --> 00:27:15,626
No, it isn't, Benson. Now
sit down. Listen to me.
478
00:27:16,001 --> 00:27:18,727
I shouldn't be telling you this because
I made a solemn oath not to do so,
479
00:27:18,751 --> 00:27:20,126
so I rely on your discretion.
480
00:27:20,209 --> 00:27:22,792
Oh, honour among thieves,
Scout's honour and all that.
481
00:27:22,876 --> 00:27:24,334
Well, carry on, sir.
482
00:27:24,417 --> 00:27:25,542
Well, it's like this.
483
00:27:26,084 --> 00:27:28,042
Now I forfeit the whole darn lot
484
00:27:28,126 --> 00:27:31,084
if I don't marry the first
unmarried girl I speak to.
485
00:27:31,167 --> 00:27:33,376
[chuckles] Of course, I
shan't take any notice of that.
486
00:27:33,459 --> 00:27:34,751
Oh, naturally not, sir.
487
00:27:34,834 --> 00:27:36,459
Ah, but I must choose
carefully, Benson.
488
00:27:36,542 --> 00:27:39,959
In fact, I'm just as keen to find someone
with a tidy bank account of her own.
489
00:27:40,042 --> 00:27:43,084
After all, I don't want to get landed
with a gold digger now that I'm rich.
490
00:27:44,376 --> 00:27:45,376
You listening, Benson?
491
00:27:46,209 --> 00:27:47,917
Oh, yes, sir. I see your point.
492
00:27:48,417 --> 00:27:51,834
Since hearing your bad news,
493
00:27:51,917 --> 00:27:55,001
several young ladies have
telephoned their heartfelt sympathy.
494
00:27:55,709 --> 00:27:58,667
That's what I mean, you
see? They're closing in already.
495
00:27:58,751 --> 00:28:02,167
Shocking bad taste with
the old boy hardly cold.
496
00:28:02,251 --> 00:28:03,709
Oh, quite, sir. Quite.
497
00:28:03,792 --> 00:28:06,626
Well, if I might be allowed
to offer some advice,
498
00:28:06,709 --> 00:28:10,542
why not leave town and
spend a few days on the boat?
499
00:28:11,001 --> 00:28:12,876
Good idea, Benson.
I'll go tomorrow.
500
00:28:12,959 --> 00:28:16,834
I'll take my car... Oh, better send
the other one back to Sports Cars Ltd.
501
00:28:16,917 --> 00:28:19,501
Give them the usual
spiel: I wasn't satisfied.
502
00:28:19,584 --> 00:28:22,417
Then bolt the front door,
disconnect the telephone.
503
00:28:23,584 --> 00:28:25,667
This is worse than
the bailiff's, Benson.
504
00:28:25,751 --> 00:28:28,834
How right you are, sir. But
don't worry, I'll look after you.
505
00:28:28,917 --> 00:28:29,959
[laughs]
506
00:28:33,251 --> 00:28:35,959
[whistle blowing]
507
00:28:39,959 --> 00:28:41,834
- [all] Good morning.
- Good morning.
508
00:29:42,542 --> 00:29:44,001
Don't forget tonight.
509
00:29:44,084 --> 00:29:46,834
- 6:30 sharp, best bib and tucker.
- All right.
510
00:29:52,167 --> 00:29:53,376
Oh, Miss Heath.
511
00:29:54,709 --> 00:29:55,834
Uh...
512
00:29:56,459 --> 00:29:58,126
It's such a lovely day today,
513
00:29:58,209 --> 00:30:01,167
I wonder whether you'd like to
come to the pictures with me tonight.
514
00:30:01,251 --> 00:30:02,851
- Oh, I...
- There's a particular picture
515
00:30:02,876 --> 00:30:04,209
that I want to see. It's...
516
00:30:04,292 --> 00:30:07,376
It's all about a hold-up man.
517
00:30:07,459 --> 00:30:09,292
I'd love to, Mr Russell,
518
00:30:09,376 --> 00:30:12,626
but unfortunately, Mr Stewart has
asked me to go out with him tonight.
519
00:30:12,709 --> 00:30:14,876
Mr Wagstaffe's mail, Mr Russell.
520
00:30:16,959 --> 00:30:18,751
Oh, thank you, Mr Stewart.
521
00:30:19,834 --> 00:30:21,959
"Unfortunately" did you say?
522
00:30:22,334 --> 00:30:24,435
Of course, if you'd rather go
out with Handsome Herbert...
523
00:30:24,459 --> 00:30:26,834
Why are you always
so nasty about him?
524
00:30:26,917 --> 00:30:28,209
Little twerp.
525
00:30:37,417 --> 00:30:39,376
Reach! Reach for the sky.
526
00:30:43,126 --> 00:30:44,459
Come on. Stick 'em up.
527
00:30:44,542 --> 00:30:45,792
No mucking about.
528
00:30:46,501 --> 00:30:48,626
Come on. I said
no mucking about.
529
00:30:56,417 --> 00:30:59,042
Reach, brother, for the sky.
530
00:31:00,917 --> 00:31:02,042
Come on. Stick 'em up.
531
00:31:02,126 --> 00:31:03,626
I haven't any time to waste.
532
00:31:03,709 --> 00:31:05,209
Apparently you have.
533
00:31:10,751 --> 00:31:14,167
One of the signs of softening
of the brain is talking to oneself.
534
00:31:14,251 --> 00:31:16,376
Watch it, Mr Russell. Watch it.
535
00:31:17,001 --> 00:31:18,751
- Get back to your work.
- Yes, sir.
536
00:31:19,459 --> 00:31:21,001
Extraordinary behaviour.
537
00:31:23,001 --> 00:31:25,709
- You said something, sir?
- No, I was talking to myself.
538
00:31:27,709 --> 00:31:29,292
- Get out.
- Yes, sir.
539
00:31:31,542 --> 00:31:32,792
Get out!
540
00:31:36,501 --> 00:31:40,667
In your advertisement about a
domestic, you mentioned references.
541
00:31:40,751 --> 00:31:43,060
I haven't done this sort of
work before, so I'm afraid that...
542
00:31:43,084 --> 00:31:44,792
Oh, don't worry about that...
543
00:31:44,876 --> 00:31:46,626
I'm sorry. I've forgotten
your name again.
544
00:31:46,709 --> 00:31:48,001
Miss Agnes Russell.
545
00:31:48,084 --> 00:31:52,417
Well, I'll be frank with you, Agnes.
We've had quite a number of servants here.
546
00:31:52,501 --> 00:31:55,876
Some with excellent references,
but none of them have lasted.
547
00:31:56,334 --> 00:31:57,959
But I'm sure you'll
do us very well.
548
00:31:58,042 --> 00:32:01,001
[thumping]
549
00:32:01,084 --> 00:32:02,501
That'll be my father.
550
00:32:02,584 --> 00:32:05,084
I expect he wants to
see you. Shall we go up?
551
00:32:06,251 --> 00:32:08,834
[thumping continues]
552
00:32:08,917 --> 00:32:10,376
Aren't men impatient?
553
00:32:10,459 --> 00:32:12,959
You know, my father's
a semi-invalid and...
554
00:32:13,042 --> 00:32:15,709
Oh, but he's not
really very ill. Please.
555
00:32:21,834 --> 00:32:23,417
Father, this is our new helper.
556
00:32:23,501 --> 00:32:25,667
An older instance.
What's your name?
557
00:32:25,751 --> 00:32:26,876
Agnes Russell.
558
00:32:27,334 --> 00:32:28,768
Then it's Bertha
from now on, my girl.
559
00:32:28,792 --> 00:32:30,959
All the others were Bertha,
and a rotten lot they were.
560
00:32:31,459 --> 00:32:33,917
I'm sure Agnes will
do us very well, Father.
561
00:32:34,001 --> 00:32:35,959
We'll see. Can you cook, Bertha?
562
00:32:36,667 --> 00:32:37,667
Yes.
563
00:32:38,126 --> 00:32:40,792
Then you can cook my supper
tonight. There's a steak in the larder.
564
00:32:40,876 --> 00:32:42,376
You don't make
a mess of it, now.
565
00:32:42,459 --> 00:32:45,042
[stammers] You're a sour face.
566
00:32:45,126 --> 00:32:48,126
I like happy people
about me. Smile.
567
00:32:50,709 --> 00:32:52,959
Go on, smile.
568
00:32:56,251 --> 00:32:57,584
That's better.
569
00:33:01,876 --> 00:33:04,376
He likes you. He
likes you very much.
570
00:33:05,167 --> 00:33:06,251
He does.
571
00:33:14,334 --> 00:33:20,084
I I'm as happy as a
lark A lark, a lark ♪
572
00:33:20,167 --> 00:33:25,709
I I'm as happy as a dog
Bum, bum, bum, bum ♪
573
00:33:30,876 --> 00:33:32,376
[brakes squealing]
574
00:33:48,167 --> 00:33:49,626
[Simon] Hello, there.
575
00:33:50,126 --> 00:33:52,584
I say, are you in difficulties?
576
00:33:52,667 --> 00:33:54,417
Don't bother, thank
you. I can manage.
577
00:33:55,709 --> 00:33:57,876
Oh, it's no bother at all.
578
00:33:57,959 --> 00:33:59,167
What's the trouble?
579
00:33:59,667 --> 00:34:01,917
I don't quite know.
It just stopped.
580
00:34:02,001 --> 00:34:03,376
- Has it got any petrol?
- Oh, yes.
581
00:34:03,459 --> 00:34:05,167
My chauffeur filled
it up this morning.
582
00:34:05,251 --> 00:34:07,292
Just stubborn,
huh? Got far to go?
583
00:34:07,376 --> 00:34:10,176
Eaton. My brother's at school there,
and I've promised to take him out.
584
00:34:10,251 --> 00:34:11,334
It's maddening.
585
00:34:11,751 --> 00:34:13,167
- Leave it to me.
- Thank you.
586
00:34:15,376 --> 00:34:16,376
[yelps]
587
00:34:17,084 --> 00:34:19,167
- Do you know anything about cars?
- Not a thing.
588
00:34:19,251 --> 00:34:20,334
Fine.
589
00:34:21,876 --> 00:34:24,459
Well, if you ask me,
590
00:34:24,917 --> 00:34:28,334
a circumventer on the...
ubiquitous paraxial is...
591
00:34:28,417 --> 00:34:29,501
What?
592
00:34:29,584 --> 00:34:30,876
Fused or blown.
593
00:34:31,417 --> 00:34:32,917
You can tell just
by looking at it?
594
00:34:33,001 --> 00:34:35,876
Oh, one gets a knack, you know.
Like doctors lifting your eyelid
595
00:34:35,959 --> 00:34:39,501
and knowing your great-grandmother
was a dipsomaniac. [laughs]
596
00:34:40,459 --> 00:34:41,959
Can I give you a lift somewhere?
597
00:34:42,042 --> 00:34:43,792
If you would. To a telephone.
598
00:34:44,626 --> 00:34:46,209
It's a pleasure. Come along.
599
00:34:50,917 --> 00:34:54,126
I'll ring my chauffeur to come
and collect the beastly thing.
600
00:34:55,001 --> 00:34:59,626
Will he know about
paraxial, um, thingamajigs?
601
00:34:59,709 --> 00:35:02,667
I doubt it. Very few people do.
602
00:35:03,792 --> 00:35:05,376
I hate that car anyway.
603
00:35:05,917 --> 00:35:07,542
I much prefer my big one.
604
00:35:07,959 --> 00:35:09,626
- Your big one?
- Uh-huh.
605
00:35:09,709 --> 00:35:12,709
Huh. Well, you'll have
to forgive old Griselda.
606
00:35:12,792 --> 00:35:14,334
Both mine are in dock.
607
00:35:14,417 --> 00:35:15,876
This thing belongs to my butler.
608
00:35:16,334 --> 00:35:17,751
I think she's sweet.
609
00:35:17,834 --> 00:35:20,542
- And I'm very grateful to both of you.
- [chuckles]
610
00:35:22,751 --> 00:35:24,626
[engine cranks]
611
00:35:26,376 --> 00:35:27,876
[continues cranking]
612
00:35:27,959 --> 00:35:29,834
- Huh.
- [engine starts]
613
00:35:31,876 --> 00:35:34,709
- What did you say your name was?
- [laughs]
614
00:35:34,792 --> 00:35:36,959
I didn't. It's Lucille Grayson.
615
00:35:37,292 --> 00:35:40,084
- How do you do? Simon Russell.
- How do you do?
616
00:35:40,167 --> 00:35:42,047
I'm going to make a very
impertinent suggestion.
617
00:35:42,126 --> 00:35:44,834
Instead of you singing the "Eaton
Boating Song" with your brother,
618
00:35:44,917 --> 00:35:47,417
why not come boating with me?
619
00:35:47,501 --> 00:35:50,209
My cruiser's just along the
road. On the water, of course.
620
00:35:50,292 --> 00:35:52,334
Oh, no, thank you.
I couldn't possibly.
621
00:35:52,667 --> 00:35:55,917
My uncle would raise Cain if he
heard I'd been out with strange men.
622
00:35:56,001 --> 00:35:59,167
Oh. There's only one of me,
and I'm not all that strange.
623
00:35:59,251 --> 00:36:01,542
In fact, I've behaved pretty
normally on the whole.
624
00:36:01,626 --> 00:36:03,376
It's very tempting, Mr Russell.
625
00:36:03,792 --> 00:36:05,167
But I must say no.
626
00:36:05,876 --> 00:36:07,334
- No?
- Yes.
627
00:36:07,959 --> 00:36:09,042
Oh.
628
00:36:17,959 --> 00:36:20,001
Do you really know
anything about cars?
629
00:36:20,709 --> 00:36:22,751
- No.
- Nothing at all?
630
00:36:22,834 --> 00:36:24,084
Nothing at all.
631
00:36:24,834 --> 00:36:27,001
- How clever of you.
- [chuckles]
632
00:36:28,209 --> 00:36:30,417
- Do you like my little boat?
- Mmm, very much.
633
00:36:30,917 --> 00:36:31,959
It's small, of course.
634
00:36:32,042 --> 00:36:34,209
I'm getting another one
soon with a big funnel.
635
00:36:34,959 --> 00:36:36,584
- Comfy?
- Mm-hmm.
636
00:36:37,376 --> 00:36:39,584
Lucky you had two of
these mattress things.
637
00:36:39,667 --> 00:36:42,251
Yes, I was here last
weekend with a business pal.
638
00:36:42,334 --> 00:36:44,084
He left his lipstick behind.
639
00:36:46,209 --> 00:36:47,334
Odd.
640
00:36:48,126 --> 00:36:49,959
I wonder how that got here.
641
00:36:50,876 --> 00:36:52,792
I'm beginning to
wonder how I did.
642
00:36:54,667 --> 00:36:56,001
Not regretting it, are you?
643
00:36:56,084 --> 00:36:58,042
Not yet. But I shall.
644
00:36:59,167 --> 00:37:01,334
My uncle wouldn't
approve of this at all.
645
00:37:01,876 --> 00:37:05,167
Like all very rich men, he
wants to run everybody else's life.
646
00:37:05,542 --> 00:37:07,084
You poor sweet. I know the form.
647
00:37:07,167 --> 00:37:09,852
You can't tell him to go to blazes
or he'll cut you off with a shilling.
648
00:37:09,876 --> 00:37:12,834
No, he can't do that. The
money's in trust for me.
649
00:37:14,084 --> 00:37:15,334
That's good.
650
00:37:17,167 --> 00:37:18,501
That's very good.
651
00:37:23,501 --> 00:37:24,542
No.
652
00:37:25,001 --> 00:37:26,876
No. No!
653
00:37:26,959 --> 00:37:29,667
Deniston, I will not postpone
our wedding without a reason.
654
00:37:29,751 --> 00:37:31,501
No, you can't fob
me off like that.
655
00:37:31,584 --> 00:37:34,167
Fluffy, I wouldn't
dream of fobbing you.
656
00:37:34,251 --> 00:37:35,417
[Sir Charles] Nonsense!
657
00:37:35,876 --> 00:37:38,709
This is the clearest case of
fobbing that's ever come my way.
658
00:37:38,792 --> 00:37:41,126
You've been dilly-dallying
with my daughter for ten years.
659
00:37:41,209 --> 00:37:44,459
Only because of my
financial situation, Sir Charles.
660
00:37:44,542 --> 00:37:45,876
What's happened to it now?
661
00:37:45,959 --> 00:37:49,917
Nothing, nothing. I only ask for
a slight postponement of 28 days.
662
00:37:50,001 --> 00:37:51,001
Why?
663
00:37:52,001 --> 00:37:54,042
Well, I know you'll
understand when I tell you
664
00:37:54,126 --> 00:37:57,959
that I have given my solemn
oath not to divulge the reasons.
665
00:37:58,042 --> 00:38:01,292
But when we got
engaged, ten years ago...
666
00:38:02,292 --> 00:38:05,834
you solemnly swore we wouldn't
have any secrets from each other.
667
00:38:05,917 --> 00:38:07,501
Except, of course,
official ones.
668
00:38:09,376 --> 00:38:13,751
Oh... Oh, but this
is official in a way.
669
00:38:14,376 --> 00:38:19,334
You see, Fluffy, in strict confidence,
I have to go away for a month.
670
00:38:19,917 --> 00:38:21,709
- Officially?
- Officially.
671
00:38:23,084 --> 00:38:24,167
For the government?
672
00:38:24,959 --> 00:38:28,501
Well, the government will
be paying my expenses.
673
00:38:28,584 --> 00:38:29,626
[Sir Charles] What's that?
674
00:38:31,376 --> 00:38:35,751
Just a minute. I thought the Pay
Corps kicked you out five years ago.
675
00:38:35,834 --> 00:38:38,334
I shall not be in
uniform, Sir Charles.
676
00:38:39,042 --> 00:38:40,667
At least, I don't think so.
677
00:38:40,751 --> 00:38:42,417
No, well... Will you excuse me?
678
00:38:42,501 --> 00:38:44,417
I really have to go. I
have to catch my train.
679
00:38:44,501 --> 00:38:47,126
Denny, you're not going
behind the Iron Curtain?
680
00:38:47,209 --> 00:38:48,209
Hmm?
681
00:38:48,959 --> 00:38:51,292
I suppose you
could put it like that.
682
00:38:51,376 --> 00:38:53,417
Daddykins, he's in
the secret service,
683
00:38:53,501 --> 00:38:55,501
and all this time we thought
he was doing nothing.
684
00:38:55,584 --> 00:38:59,334
Oh, Denny. My brave Denny boy.
685
00:38:59,417 --> 00:39:00,459
Fluffy, dear.
686
00:39:00,542 --> 00:39:03,209
Look, I promise you that
as soon as ever I am free...
687
00:39:03,292 --> 00:39:05,626
Free to talk... I'll
explain everything.
688
00:39:05,709 --> 00:39:07,751
Oh, no need to
explain when duty calls.
689
00:39:07,834 --> 00:39:11,417
Quite right. Now don't go land
yourself in one of those filthy gaols.
690
00:39:11,501 --> 00:39:14,167
No, but I... No, no.
691
00:39:14,251 --> 00:39:17,084
Well, will you excuse me, Sir
Charles? I must catch my train.
692
00:39:17,167 --> 00:39:20,501
Well, good luck. I'm sorry
I was a bit shirty with you.
693
00:39:30,751 --> 00:39:33,709
I know you won't be able to write,
but I shall be watching the newspapers
694
00:39:33,792 --> 00:39:36,751
and hoping so much there
won't be any news of you.
695
00:39:37,834 --> 00:39:38,959
Oh, the newspapers.
696
00:39:39,667 --> 00:39:41,917
Oh, yes, hope that.
Please hope that.
697
00:39:43,834 --> 00:39:45,876
King's Cross station, please.
698
00:39:45,959 --> 00:39:49,376
Good luck, and if they catch you,
none of those confessions, mind.
699
00:39:49,459 --> 00:39:51,042
- Goodbye, dear boy.
- Goodbye.
700
00:39:55,667 --> 00:39:58,376
Not the railway station,
the police station.
701
00:40:06,584 --> 00:40:08,001
[clears throat]
702
00:40:08,084 --> 00:40:10,626
Good morning, Inspector.
Do you remember me?
703
00:40:11,209 --> 00:40:12,334
Yes.
704
00:40:12,792 --> 00:40:14,712
Yes, I do remember you.
Go on, get out of here...
705
00:40:14,751 --> 00:40:17,626
Please, please listen.
You see, I am a writer,
706
00:40:17,709 --> 00:40:21,084
and it's necessary for one of my
characters to go to prison for a month.
707
00:40:21,167 --> 00:40:24,251
I only thought that you might tell
me a few crimes that would fit the bill.
708
00:40:24,876 --> 00:40:29,167
Look, here's a little opus of
mine, if you would care to...
709
00:40:30,126 --> 00:40:32,584
- It's about football.
- It's about football, eh?
710
00:40:33,292 --> 00:40:36,792
The whole of the Cup Final team
get poisoned on the eve of the match.
711
00:40:36,876 --> 00:40:39,542
[chuckles] Death and the FA Cup.
712
00:40:40,126 --> 00:40:41,417
- Ha!
- Oh, no, no, please.
713
00:40:41,501 --> 00:40:43,167
Keep it if you'd care to.
714
00:40:43,251 --> 00:40:44,751
- For me?
- Yes.
715
00:40:44,834 --> 00:40:47,376
- That's very kind of you, sir. Thank you.
- Not at all.
716
00:40:47,459 --> 00:40:50,084
Well, you know, I'm always
ready to support the arts as it were.
717
00:40:50,167 --> 00:40:51,167
[both laugh]
718
00:40:51,251 --> 00:40:53,334
I dare say, Archibald
ought to be able to help us.
719
00:40:53,417 --> 00:40:55,167
Oh? Who... who is Archibald?
720
00:40:55,251 --> 00:40:57,584
The encyclopaedia of crime.
721
00:40:57,667 --> 00:41:00,126
Oh, look, I want it to be
a very respectable crime.
722
00:41:00,834 --> 00:41:02,834
Nothing... nothing nasty.
723
00:41:03,542 --> 00:41:05,876
You see, he's a very
upright and honourable man,
724
00:41:05,959 --> 00:41:10,626
and I can't possibly have my...
Uh, his reputation soiled in any way.
725
00:41:10,709 --> 00:41:12,626
Besides, he has
to get the heroine.
726
00:41:12,709 --> 00:41:13,876
- Happy ending, eh?
- Oh, yes.
727
00:41:13,959 --> 00:41:15,126
That's the stuff to give 'em.
728
00:41:15,209 --> 00:41:16,584
I'm so glad you understand.
729
00:41:16,667 --> 00:41:18,209
Now let's see, there's, uh...
730
00:41:18,292 --> 00:41:19,459
There's trains.
731
00:41:20,334 --> 00:41:22,014
There's lots of things
happening in trains.
732
00:41:22,084 --> 00:41:23,876
Oh, you'd be surprised.
733
00:41:23,959 --> 00:41:25,685
Most of them go for
about six months, though.
734
00:41:25,709 --> 00:41:27,334
Oh, no. No, no.
735
00:41:27,834 --> 00:41:29,251
Bag snatching ain't bad.
736
00:41:29,959 --> 00:41:32,459
Look, I'll take a note
of one or two of these.
737
00:41:32,542 --> 00:41:33,935
- Yes, do that.
- If you don't mind.
738
00:41:33,959 --> 00:41:35,709
- Here, borrow this.
- Thank you.
739
00:41:36,209 --> 00:41:38,459
- Bag snatching.
- Bag snatching...
740
00:41:39,542 --> 00:41:40,709
Then there's, uh...
741
00:41:41,751 --> 00:41:42,917
shoplifting.
742
00:41:43,001 --> 00:41:44,876
Yes, shoplifting.
743
00:41:44,959 --> 00:41:47,167
They're getting very down
on that nowadays, you know.
744
00:41:47,251 --> 00:41:48,876
Especially among
the upper classes.
745
00:41:50,084 --> 00:41:52,292
Then there's... Ooh,
I think I got it here.
746
00:41:52,376 --> 00:41:53,917
[chuckles] Well, I may be wrong.
747
00:41:54,001 --> 00:41:57,251
How about stealing
lead from churches?
748
00:41:57,792 --> 00:42:01,126
- Just climb up on the roof and rip it off.
- Oh, no, no. No, I...
749
00:42:01,209 --> 00:42:03,084
Uh, he has no head for heights.
750
00:42:03,167 --> 00:42:04,417
Oh, that's a pity.
751
00:42:05,001 --> 00:42:08,001
Well, um, car stealing is
very popular, you know.
752
00:42:08,667 --> 00:42:10,917
Yes. Yes, car stealing.
753
00:42:11,001 --> 00:42:13,001
- Yeah, put that down.
- Might be excellent.
754
00:42:17,459 --> 00:42:19,126
[bell ringing]
755
00:42:19,209 --> 00:42:20,751
Oh, all right.
756
00:42:24,459 --> 00:42:26,459
[bell continues ringing]
757
00:42:27,251 --> 00:42:30,376
All right, all right, all right!
758
00:42:40,251 --> 00:42:41,459
Shut the window.
759
00:42:41,542 --> 00:42:42,751
My feet are cold!
760
00:42:50,959 --> 00:42:53,417
Don't stand there gaping,
my dinner will spoil.
761
00:43:12,084 --> 00:43:14,251
[bell ringing]
762
00:43:22,209 --> 00:43:24,292
[bell continues ringing]
763
00:43:27,792 --> 00:43:30,251
[thumping]
764
00:43:31,292 --> 00:43:33,876
All right, all right, all right.
765
00:43:40,834 --> 00:43:42,751
[panting]
766
00:43:44,501 --> 00:43:45,751
Do you have asthma?
767
00:43:46,501 --> 00:43:48,393
- [panting] No.
- Then stop puffing like a train,
768
00:43:48,417 --> 00:43:49,417
it gets on my nerves.
769
00:43:50,001 --> 00:43:51,167
You left the door open.
770
00:43:52,542 --> 00:43:53,626
Shut it when you go.
771
00:43:53,709 --> 00:43:55,459
- Is that all you...
- Go on!
772
00:44:13,501 --> 00:44:16,834
[no audible dialogue]
773
00:44:34,126 --> 00:44:35,209
Oh!
774
00:44:51,292 --> 00:44:52,292
You're fired!
775
00:44:58,042 --> 00:45:01,001
Mr Webb, I beg you
to reconsider this.
776
00:45:01,084 --> 00:45:02,477
The only matter
for consideration is
777
00:45:02,501 --> 00:45:04,542
whether I kick you out
now or tomorrow morning.
778
00:45:07,876 --> 00:45:09,334
I'm willing to
work for no wages.
779
00:45:10,126 --> 00:45:11,292
Still too expensive.
780
00:45:11,376 --> 00:45:14,292
In fact, I'm willing to
pay you to let me stay.
781
00:45:14,376 --> 00:45:15,376
Eh?
782
00:45:15,959 --> 00:45:17,876
I only ask to remain a month.
783
00:45:17,959 --> 00:45:20,001
If you let me stay, ['ll...
784
00:45:20,751 --> 00:45:22,626
I'll give you £1,000.
785
00:45:24,542 --> 00:45:25,626
What did you say?
786
00:45:25,709 --> 00:45:28,001
- £1,000.
- You're off your head.
787
00:45:28,084 --> 00:45:29,935
- I know it sounds insane.
- Don't come near me.
788
00:45:29,959 --> 00:45:31,584
- But I mean it.
- Go-go-go and lie down.
789
00:45:31,667 --> 00:45:33,542
- I'll put it in writing!
- Get out!
790
00:45:34,209 --> 00:45:35,209
Away with you!
791
00:45:42,334 --> 00:45:43,584
- [door closes]
- Potty.
792
00:45:44,459 --> 00:45:45,917
Completely potty.
793
00:46:08,751 --> 00:46:10,334
[bell rings]
794
00:46:11,376 --> 00:46:12,584
Oh!
795
00:46:17,959 --> 00:46:19,251
You rang for me?
796
00:46:19,334 --> 00:46:20,459
Yes.
797
00:46:20,542 --> 00:46:22,709
But not to appear like
something out of a French farce.
798
00:46:22,792 --> 00:46:24,334
Away, put your clothes on.
799
00:46:24,417 --> 00:46:26,626
Ah, never mind. You
look terrible anyway.
800
00:46:27,167 --> 00:46:29,247
Take those flowers out,
they're eating up the oxygen.
801
00:46:29,292 --> 00:46:31,376
And you dare to send
for me just for that?
802
00:46:31,459 --> 00:46:33,059
Ah-ah. Keep a civil
tongue in your head.
803
00:46:33,126 --> 00:46:35,292
Why should 1? You've
dismissed me, haven't you?
804
00:46:35,376 --> 00:46:36,417
I'll say what I like.
805
00:46:36,501 --> 00:46:39,060
And here and now I'd like to say
that you're the most detestable,
806
00:46:39,084 --> 00:46:42,751
abominable old man it's ever
been my misfortune to encounter.
807
00:46:42,834 --> 00:46:44,126
A pity.
808
00:46:44,209 --> 00:46:46,751
Because I'd changed my
mind about sending you away.
809
00:46:47,459 --> 00:46:49,667
-Anything to say about that?- I-
810
00:46:49,751 --> 00:46:53,251
Mind you, it's not for your £1,000,
which obviously doesn't exist.
811
00:46:53,334 --> 00:46:54,501
But it does and I mean it.
812
00:46:54,584 --> 00:46:58,417
Nor for your beauty or
efficiency, which don't exist either.
813
00:46:58,501 --> 00:47:02,292
But purely for my own convenience
until I can find somebody better.
814
00:47:02,626 --> 00:47:04,126
Which shouldn't be difficult.
815
00:47:04,626 --> 00:47:06,209
See the door closes when you go.
816
00:47:07,917 --> 00:47:08,917
Ah-ah.
817
00:47:09,834 --> 00:47:10,834
The flowers.
818
00:47:23,917 --> 00:47:27,667
Hmm, your handsome Herbert
seems to be a little late this morning.
819
00:47:27,751 --> 00:47:28,876
He may not be handsome,
820
00:47:28,959 --> 00:47:31,376
but at least he's not a wolf
at the Hammersmith Palais.
821
00:47:31,459 --> 00:47:33,167
Naughty, naughty.
822
00:47:36,917 --> 00:47:39,459
What on earth are
you doing, Mr Stewart?
823
00:47:39,542 --> 00:47:41,126
Leave that young lady alone.
824
00:47:41,584 --> 00:47:43,959
And in Mr
Wagstaffe's office too.
825
00:47:44,042 --> 00:47:46,202
I think Miss Heath is capable
of looking after herself.
826
00:47:46,251 --> 00:47:48,292
Oh, no, she isn't. Not
while I'm here to stop her.
827
00:47:48,376 --> 00:47:50,185
Thank you, Mr Russell,
but it's quite all right.
828
00:47:50,209 --> 00:47:52,959
Oh, no, it isn't. Now you run
along and leave this to me.
829
00:48:03,792 --> 00:48:04,792
Now look here, Stewart.
830
00:48:04,876 --> 00:48:06,810
I'm not going to stand for
any nonsense with Miss Heath.
831
00:48:06,834 --> 00:48:08,126
Oh, go away.
832
00:48:08,751 --> 00:48:10,126
Go away, little man.
833
00:48:10,209 --> 00:48:13,292
All right! Little man I
may be, but not for long.
834
00:48:13,376 --> 00:48:14,751
Let me tell you that
835
00:48:14,834 --> 00:48:17,876
0-0-0-one day, I'll come
in here in a Rolls-Royce.
836
00:48:18,292 --> 00:48:20,501
And I'll have an
overdraft of 20,000.
837
00:48:21,001 --> 00:48:24,376
Or more! And you'll
be calling me sir.
838
00:48:24,459 --> 00:48:26,334
[laughs] I'd like to see that.
839
00:48:26,417 --> 00:48:29,876
[mockingly laughs] Yes. Well,
sometimes worms change their...
840
00:48:29,959 --> 00:48:32,042
th-th-th-their spots!
841
00:48:32,126 --> 00:48:36,126
And when I do, I'll march
in here without knocking
842
00:48:36,209 --> 00:48:39,376
and I'll-I'll-I'-I'll
sit on the desk.
843
00:48:39,459 --> 00:48:42,292
And I'll say, "Hello,
Wagstaffe. How's"...
844
00:48:43,876 --> 00:48:44,876
[groans]
845
00:48:47,209 --> 00:48:49,042
Fool! Look what
you've done to my suit.
846
00:48:49,126 --> 00:48:51,084
Oh, I'm terribly
sorry, Mr Stewart.
847
00:48:51,167 --> 00:48:52,167
You'll pay for this.
848
00:48:52,251 --> 00:48:54,251
Oh, no, it was both
of our faults, really.
849
00:48:54,334 --> 00:48:55,584
Oh, no.
850
00:48:56,459 --> 00:48:58,792
You wait until Mr
Wagstaffe hears about this.
851
00:48:58,876 --> 00:49:01,167
Oh, bother, Mr Wagstaffe.
852
00:49:01,251 --> 00:49:04,001
Mr Wagstaffe, Mr Wagstaffe.
853
00:49:04,084 --> 00:49:06,417
Come on. Don't just stand
there, help me pick them up.
854
00:49:07,001 --> 00:49:08,001
Come on...
855
00:49:25,626 --> 00:49:29,084
And what are you
doing now, Mr Russell?
856
00:49:30,084 --> 00:49:32,042
It's your wife
again, sir. She's...
857
00:49:33,376 --> 00:49:34,626
gone to pieces.
858
00:49:34,709 --> 00:49:38,584
Mr Russell, how long you remain
with us, I don't know, but I hope not long.
859
00:49:38,667 --> 00:49:41,876
But until you go, you won't
set foot in my office again.
860
00:49:41,959 --> 00:49:44,126
Yes, sir. No, sir.
861
00:49:44,626 --> 00:49:46,542
Oh, but sir, I-
862
00:49:47,292 --> 00:49:49,584
That is an order, Mr Russell!
863
00:50:01,876 --> 00:50:03,042
Father, what are you doing?
864
00:50:03,126 --> 00:50:04,685
Searching her belongings.
What do you think I'm doing?
865
00:50:04,709 --> 00:50:06,727
- Why, it's a dreadful thing to do.
- [doorbell rings]
866
00:50:06,751 --> 00:50:08,518
You mind your own
business and answer the bell.
867
00:50:08,542 --> 00:50:10,334
- That'll be the detective.
- Detective?
868
00:50:10,417 --> 00:50:13,459
Oh, Father, not again. Just as
we get someone good at last.
869
00:50:13,834 --> 00:50:15,501
- Away you go!
- Oh...
870
00:50:21,709 --> 00:50:22,751
A-ha!
871
00:50:23,834 --> 00:50:24,834
I thought so.
872
00:50:33,376 --> 00:50:35,959
I, um... I have an
appointment with Mr Webb.
873
00:50:36,042 --> 00:50:38,082
If you're from the police,
you're wasting your time.
874
00:50:38,251 --> 00:50:42,626
Oh, I'm not from the police. I'm
a private enquiry agent, Mrs, uh...
875
00:50:42,709 --> 00:50:44,501
- Or Miss?
- Miss.
876
00:50:44,584 --> 00:50:47,667
What private enquiry there can be
about that poor soul, I can't imagine.
877
00:50:47,751 --> 00:50:49,626
- Good morning, sir.
- Your detective.
878
00:50:51,417 --> 00:50:52,876
A bit young, aren't you?
879
00:50:53,667 --> 00:50:54,751
For what, sir?
880
00:50:55,376 --> 00:50:57,376
Never you mind. Listen to me.
881
00:50:58,584 --> 00:51:00,292
Last night, I sacked my maid,
882
00:51:00,376 --> 00:51:03,417
whereupon she offered me
£1,000 to let her stay for a month.
883
00:51:03,501 --> 00:51:05,741
- Did she, now?
- Father, isn't that going a bit too far?
884
00:51:05,792 --> 00:51:07,376
Precisely. That's
why I sent for you.
885
00:51:07,459 --> 00:51:10,185
Nobody in their right mind would stay in
this house a minute longer than they need.
886
00:51:10,209 --> 00:51:11,751
I don't agree, sir.
887
00:51:11,834 --> 00:51:14,876
[clears throat] You're here to do
a job of work, not to be flippant.
888
00:51:14,959 --> 00:51:16,292
- Sit down.
- Sorry, sir.
889
00:51:16,792 --> 00:51:20,001
Now then, either she's cracked
and has escaped from some asylum,
890
00:51:20,084 --> 00:51:23,167
or she's a criminal lying low. I
tend to think she's a criminal.
891
00:51:23,251 --> 00:51:25,209
This identity card,
it's obviously false.
892
00:51:25,292 --> 00:51:26,417
Look at it.
893
00:51:26,501 --> 00:51:29,876
No 30-bob-a-week domestic servant
would live in that neighbourhood.
894
00:51:30,417 --> 00:51:31,459
Certainly looks a bit odd.
895
00:51:31,542 --> 00:51:33,518
- What do you want me to do about it?
- Check up on her.
896
00:51:33,542 --> 00:51:35,893
Find out where she comes from,
where she goes, everything about her.
897
00:51:35,917 --> 00:51:37,042
- Is she here now?
- No.
898
00:51:37,126 --> 00:51:39,626
I gave her the afternoon off.
Didn't want her spotting you.
899
00:51:40,167 --> 00:51:41,626
Well? Will you take the job?
900
00:51:41,709 --> 00:51:43,042
- Certainly, sir.
- Good.
901
00:51:43,126 --> 00:51:44,376
It'll be a pleasure.
902
00:51:49,376 --> 00:51:51,834
Oh, ma'am! I didn't expect you.
903
00:51:52,167 --> 00:51:53,727
I'll just put me apron
on. If I'd known...
904
00:51:53,751 --> 00:51:55,626
It doesn't matter
about the apron.
905
00:51:57,917 --> 00:51:59,167
Come here, please.
906
00:52:01,751 --> 00:52:03,126
Have you found another post?
907
00:52:03,834 --> 00:52:07,542
Oh, no, ma'am. You see, what
with no references from you and...
908
00:52:07,626 --> 00:52:08,876
Ethel, I...
909
00:52:08,959 --> 00:52:11,417
I'm afraid I've been a
little hard on you at times.
910
00:52:12,542 --> 00:52:13,917
One doesn't realise.
911
00:52:14,876 --> 00:52:16,792
If you care to stay
with me, you can.
912
00:52:17,876 --> 00:52:19,709
I shall be away about a month.
913
00:52:20,334 --> 00:52:22,501
- You could have a little holiday.
- Oh.
914
00:52:22,584 --> 00:52:24,626
- Oh, no, ma'am...
- With pay, of course.
915
00:52:26,084 --> 00:52:27,167
I...
916
00:52:27,959 --> 00:52:29,751
I should like you
to stay, if you will.
917
00:52:29,834 --> 00:52:32,042
Oh, thank you very much, ma'am.
918
00:52:32,126 --> 00:52:34,001
- Yes, I will.
- Good.
919
00:52:34,626 --> 00:52:36,376
Well, I'm going
to have a little rest.
920
00:52:36,459 --> 00:52:37,876
I'm rather tired.
921
00:53:00,376 --> 00:53:01,709
Is Miss Agnes Russell in?
922
00:53:01,792 --> 00:53:03,751
Yes. Oh, but she's asleep.
923
00:53:03,834 --> 00:53:05,417
Is she? Good.
924
00:53:05,959 --> 00:53:08,001
I dare say, you can
help me. I'm a reporter.
925
00:53:10,792 --> 00:53:13,292
- Shall we go in?
- Oh, I suppose.
926
00:53:16,251 --> 00:53:17,917
- What's your name?
- Ethel.
927
00:53:18,001 --> 00:53:19,126
Sit down, Ethel.
928
00:53:21,417 --> 00:53:22,542
I know that face.
929
00:53:22,626 --> 00:53:23,876
It's Russell's brother.
930
00:53:23,959 --> 00:53:25,834
He passed away last
week, poor gentleman.
931
00:53:25,917 --> 00:53:27,417
Henry Russell? The joker?
932
00:53:27,501 --> 00:53:29,834
That's right, the
practical joking man.
933
00:53:30,292 --> 00:53:32,709
He left her a
fortune, so they say.
934
00:53:32,792 --> 00:53:35,001
Did he now? How
much did he leave her?
935
00:53:35,084 --> 00:53:36,501
-[Agnes] Ethel -Oh! I
936
00:53:36,584 --> 00:53:38,876
Who is this gentleman?
What does he want?
937
00:53:40,001 --> 00:53:41,959
I'm glad to meet
you, Miss Russell.
938
00:53:42,501 --> 00:53:43,741
I'm from the Chelsea Chronicle,
939
00:53:43,792 --> 00:53:46,417
and I wondered if you'd give
me a line or two on your brother.
940
00:53:46,501 --> 00:53:47,792
I have nothing to say.
941
00:53:47,876 --> 00:53:49,834
Ethel, show the gentleman out.
942
00:53:50,251 --> 00:53:51,709
I don't wish to see him again.
943
00:53:51,792 --> 00:53:53,626
- But, Miss Russell, I'd...
- Please.
944
00:54:27,167 --> 00:54:29,417
- £5, please.
- [chuckles]
945
00:54:29,501 --> 00:54:32,792
- Oh, no, you don't understand. [...
- Oh, that's all right, sir. £5.
946
00:54:33,501 --> 00:54:36,459
Oh, yes, of course.
Of course, £5.
947
00:54:38,001 --> 00:54:39,167
Thank you, sir.
948
00:54:39,667 --> 00:54:41,126
[cash register dings]
949
00:54:41,209 --> 00:54:43,042
[chuckles] £5.
950
00:55:07,626 --> 00:55:08,917
Excuse me, please.
951
00:55:29,084 --> 00:55:30,251
[saleswoman] Yes, sir?
952
00:55:31,876 --> 00:55:33,084
Wrong tartan.
953
00:55:34,042 --> 00:55:35,542
Wrong tartan, sir?
954
00:56:04,709 --> 00:56:06,501
I'll be with you
in a moment, sir.
955
00:56:08,959 --> 00:56:10,251
[cash register dings]
956
00:56:57,626 --> 00:56:59,310
- I'm terribly sorry, sir.
- I beg your pardon.
957
00:56:59,334 --> 00:57:01,574
- I wasn't looking where I was going.
- Kind of my fault.
958
00:57:15,917 --> 00:57:17,209
Excuse me, sir.
959
00:57:17,751 --> 00:57:20,334
- Did you purchase anything in the store?
- No, no.
960
00:57:20,417 --> 00:57:24,126
Oh, yes. Yes, a
pedigree pipe, £5.
961
00:57:24,209 --> 00:57:25,959
- Nothing else, sir?
- Absolutely nothing.
962
00:57:26,417 --> 00:57:27,977
Would you mind just
stepping into the office?
963
00:57:28,001 --> 00:57:29,667
Oh, of course. I'd be delighted.
964
00:57:35,584 --> 00:57:37,042
- Come in here, please.
- Thank you.
965
00:57:37,876 --> 00:57:40,626
Well, gentlemen,
what can I do for you?
966
00:57:40,709 --> 00:57:42,349
Have you any objection
to being searched?
967
00:57:42,417 --> 00:57:45,251
No, not at all. Not at all.
Where would you like to begin?
968
00:57:45,751 --> 00:57:46,917
This pocket.
969
00:57:55,751 --> 00:57:57,626
I've been robbed.
I've been robbed.
970
00:57:58,167 --> 00:58:00,126
My wallet? My wallet!
971
00:58:01,292 --> 00:58:03,751
I demand compensation.
What have you done with it?
972
00:58:03,834 --> 00:58:05,167
My wallet's gone!
973
00:58:07,751 --> 00:58:10,834
I don't understand. I mean,
it doesn't make sense.
974
00:58:10,917 --> 00:58:13,251
- Why is she working here, then?
- Search me.
975
00:58:13,792 --> 00:58:17,102
Either practical jokes run in the family,
or she's cracked as your father suggested.
976
00:58:17,126 --> 00:58:19,810
Well, the doctor's with him now,
but he won't be long. Will you wait?
977
00:58:19,834 --> 00:58:22,459
Best not. Our Agnes may
return. She mustn't spot me.
978
00:58:23,042 --> 00:58:25,209
But there are some more
questions I'd like to ask you.
979
00:58:25,292 --> 00:58:26,917
There isn't much time now
980
00:58:27,001 --> 00:58:29,641
so perhaps we could have some
food together tonight and discuss it.
981
00:58:30,084 --> 00:58:31,167
What questions?
982
00:58:31,251 --> 00:58:32,459
Oh, a few details.
983
00:58:33,084 --> 00:58:35,959
After all, one must go into
details in detail, you know.
984
00:58:36,667 --> 00:58:39,292
Mr Godfrey, I don't
often get invited out.
985
00:58:39,917 --> 00:58:43,459
But if you really want me to come dine
with you, do you mind asking me properly?
986
00:58:44,001 --> 00:58:46,084
Madam, would you care
to dine with me tonight?
987
00:58:46,667 --> 00:58:47,917
I should love it...
988
00:58:48,792 --> 00:58:51,542
if you promise not
to discuss the case.
989
00:58:51,626 --> 00:58:53,876
- Nothing was further from my mind.
- Good.
990
00:58:56,417 --> 00:58:57,917
Champagne, of course.
991
00:58:58,001 --> 00:59:00,959
A bottle of, uh,
Krug '34 to start with.
992
00:59:01,042 --> 00:59:03,042
Keep a cheaper brand
on the ice for later on.
993
00:59:03,126 --> 00:59:04,526
Women never know
the second bottle.
994
00:59:04,584 --> 00:59:05,834
Yes, Mr Simon.
995
00:59:05,917 --> 00:59:06,917
Ah, Ritchie.
996
00:59:08,876 --> 00:59:10,167
This is a very important date,
997
00:59:10,251 --> 00:59:13,959
so pass the word around to the girls
that I'm not on "hello terms" for tonight.
998
00:59:14,042 --> 00:59:15,584
- Yes, sir.
- Mm-hmm.
999
00:59:17,251 --> 00:59:18,584
Hello, darling.
1000
00:59:18,667 --> 00:59:20,709
Huh, better take that back.
1001
00:59:24,667 --> 00:59:25,959
Russell!
1002
00:59:26,042 --> 00:59:28,709
Russell, your man told
me I might find you here.
1003
00:59:28,792 --> 00:59:30,751
He had no business.
And why aren't you in gaol?
1004
00:59:30,834 --> 00:59:32,310
That's what I've come
to talk to you about.
1005
00:59:32,334 --> 00:59:33,501
Oh, is it? Come have a drink.
1006
00:59:33,584 --> 00:59:35,584
No, no, no. Look,
Russell. Russell.
1007
00:59:36,042 --> 00:59:38,352
I'm getting a little desperate. It
may be easy for people like you,
1008
00:59:38,376 --> 00:59:40,876
but I just don't seem to
be able to get into prison.
1009
00:59:40,959 --> 00:59:42,626
Well, don't be
silly. Anyone can.
1010
00:59:42,709 --> 00:59:43,977
- [clattering]
- What's in there?
1011
00:59:44,001 --> 00:59:45,709
Oh, burglar tools.
1012
00:59:45,792 --> 00:59:47,292
Oh, do keep your voice down.
1013
00:59:47,376 --> 00:59:49,626
Burglar tools.
Come and sit down.
1014
00:59:50,542 --> 00:59:52,667
- [clattering]
- What are you going to do with them?
1015
00:59:52,751 --> 00:59:53,792
Well, I...
1016
00:59:53,876 --> 00:59:56,268
You see, I thought a little
housebreaking might do the trick.
1017
00:59:56,292 --> 00:59:57,667
Oh, well, I wish
the best of luck.
1018
00:59:57,751 --> 00:59:59,831
Yes, but the trouble is that
some people are inclined
1019
00:59:59,876 --> 01:00:01,876
to be a little rough
with burglars,
1020
01:00:02,376 --> 01:00:04,542
and well, I thought, with
your permission, of course,
1021
01:00:04,626 --> 01:00:06,917
I might break into
your flat tonight.
1022
01:00:07,001 --> 01:00:08,917
What? It's quite
out of the question.
1023
01:00:09,001 --> 01:00:10,709
I shall be using
it tonight, anyway.
1024
01:00:10,792 --> 01:00:13,709
All the better. All the better! Then
you can catch me red-handed.
1025
01:00:13,792 --> 01:00:16,310
Now look here, old boy. I've got
very important plans for tonight,
1026
01:00:16,334 --> 01:00:18,251
and catching burglars
isn't one of them.
1027
01:00:18,334 --> 01:00:20,084
Now you pop off and
burgle someone else.
1028
01:00:20,167 --> 01:00:22,626
I couldn't possibly burgle
somebody I didn't know.
1029
01:00:23,167 --> 01:00:24,376
Wouldn't be playing the game.
1030
01:00:24,459 --> 01:00:27,751
Oh! Do you mind? Go and
pinch a car or something.
1031
01:00:27,834 --> 01:00:30,917
Do you mind... Quick
as you can. Please, pop...
1032
01:00:39,209 --> 01:00:41,751
Lucille, darling, you
look quite heavenly.
1033
01:00:42,417 --> 01:00:43,751
Who on earth is that?
1034
01:00:43,834 --> 01:00:46,376
Oh, he's some old crook
with a hard-luck story.
1035
01:00:46,459 --> 01:00:47,709
Used to flog petrol coupons.
1036
01:00:47,792 --> 01:00:49,417
Lives on charity now. [chuckles]
1037
01:00:49,501 --> 01:00:51,209
Costs me a fiver
every time I see him.
1038
01:00:53,084 --> 01:00:55,709
You're much too nice,
Simon. That's your trouble.
1039
01:00:56,626 --> 01:00:57,917
Nonsense.
1040
01:01:00,292 --> 01:01:03,417
[accordion music playing]
1041
01:01:27,626 --> 01:01:29,376
- [dog barking]
- [screams]
1042
01:01:33,167 --> 01:01:36,126
[barking continues]
1043
01:02:13,042 --> 01:02:14,584
Are these things yours, sir?
1044
01:02:16,084 --> 01:02:18,042
No, no, no. I borrowed, uh...
1045
01:02:18,751 --> 01:02:21,459
Yes. Yes, they're
my burglar tools.
1046
01:02:21,542 --> 01:02:23,667
Burglar tools? What
do you want with them?
1047
01:02:23,751 --> 01:02:25,876
- Refuse to say.
- Oh, well, in that case, sir,
1048
01:02:25,959 --> 01:02:28,060
I shall have to ask you to come
along with me to the station.
1049
01:02:28,084 --> 01:02:30,251
Oh. Certainly.
1050
01:02:30,334 --> 01:02:31,934
- That's, uh...
- I'll take the bag, sir.
1051
01:02:31,959 --> 01:02:34,001
Yes, you take the bag.
1052
01:02:49,792 --> 01:02:52,292
Sergeant, I picked this man
up with a set of burglar tools.
1053
01:02:52,376 --> 01:02:53,667
Oh, yeah? Name?
1054
01:02:56,126 --> 01:02:58,334
So it's you, you
naughty boy. Ha!
1055
01:02:58,417 --> 01:03:00,084
After a bit of local colour, eh?
1056
01:03:00,167 --> 01:03:02,876
You want to be careful, sir, or
you will land yourself in the clink.
1057
01:03:02,959 --> 01:03:05,251
- But I want...
- That's all right. I quite understand.
1058
01:03:05,334 --> 01:03:07,126
It's okay, Cafferty. I
know this gentleman.
1059
01:03:07,209 --> 01:03:09,001
Jeremy Sinclair,
the famous author.
1060
01:03:09,709 --> 01:03:12,792
You know, sir, I've been enjoying
that book of yours very much.
1061
01:03:13,209 --> 01:03:15,042
Very good stuff.
1062
01:03:15,126 --> 01:03:18,251
I'll lay six to one the referee
murdered the outside-left. Am I right?
1063
01:03:18,959 --> 01:03:21,251
No, I'm afraid it was the
goalkeeper's daughter.
1064
01:03:21,334 --> 01:03:23,126
What? But that's impossible.
1065
01:03:23,209 --> 01:03:25,060
Well, look, if you don't
want me any more, I'll...
1066
01:03:25,084 --> 01:03:27,143
No, sir, you run along and
drop in any time you're passing.
1067
01:03:27,167 --> 01:03:29,042
- Always welcome. Goodnight, sir.
- Goodnight.
1068
01:03:29,501 --> 01:03:30,667
One moment, sir.
1069
01:03:31,501 --> 01:03:33,334
Might I have your
autograph, please?
1070
01:03:43,876 --> 01:03:47,667
Lucille, darling, you know, I'm
serious. This isn't just casual fun.
1071
01:03:50,084 --> 01:03:51,459
Let's sit down, shall we?
1072
01:03:59,251 --> 01:04:01,834
- But what did I do?
- Nothing.
1073
01:04:01,917 --> 01:04:04,626
- I swear to you I only...
- Before you say anything more,
1074
01:04:04,709 --> 01:04:07,834
I think I'd better tell you something
about myself which you don't know.
1075
01:04:07,917 --> 01:04:08,917
What?
1076
01:04:10,584 --> 01:04:12,209
I've lied to you about myself.
1077
01:04:12,667 --> 01:04:14,959
You... You mean you're
not what you pretend to be?
1078
01:04:15,042 --> 01:04:16,167
No, I'm a fraud.
1079
01:04:16,251 --> 01:04:17,501
Mr Simon?
1080
01:04:17,584 --> 01:04:19,959
No, hold it, Gustav. I
may not be needing that.
1081
01:04:20,334 --> 01:04:21,709
You better explain yourself.
1082
01:04:23,417 --> 01:04:26,334
That first day we met, I wasn't
going to Eaton to see my brother.
1083
01:04:26,417 --> 01:04:27,626
Why not?
1084
01:04:27,709 --> 01:04:29,417
I haven't got a
brother at Eaton.
1085
01:04:29,501 --> 01:04:30,667
In fact,
1086
01:04:31,126 --> 01:04:32,626
I haven't got a brother at all.
1087
01:04:32,709 --> 01:04:35,917
I see. So you've
been fooling me. Why?
1088
01:04:37,042 --> 01:04:38,792
I was on my way
to meet the man...
1089
01:04:39,542 --> 01:04:41,334
The man my uncle
wants me to marry.
1090
01:04:42,001 --> 01:04:45,792
He's rich, he has a title and
everything a girl could want
1091
01:04:45,876 --> 01:04:48,417
but I didn't want to meet
him before I met you.
1092
01:04:48,834 --> 01:04:50,626
Then you came along and I...
1093
01:04:50,709 --> 01:04:53,751
Is that all? [laughs]
1094
01:04:53,834 --> 01:04:56,042
Gustav, where's that
bottle of champagne?
1095
01:04:56,126 --> 01:04:59,084
But I haven't told my
uncle yet. Or the other man.
1096
01:04:59,542 --> 01:05:02,417
I haven't dared to until I knew
whether you were serious about me.
1097
01:05:02,501 --> 01:05:05,792
Serious? I'm crazy about you.
1098
01:05:05,876 --> 01:05:08,542
Lucille, darling,
will you marry me?
1099
01:05:09,459 --> 01:05:11,626
Oh, Simon. Yes, please.
1100
01:05:11,709 --> 01:05:13,459
When will you tell your uncle?
1101
01:05:13,542 --> 01:05:16,501
- Would you like me to ring him now?
- Yes, do. I'll come with you.
1102
01:05:16,584 --> 01:05:18,042
I've got a call to make too.
1103
01:05:18,126 --> 01:05:19,459
Mr Simon?
1104
01:05:19,542 --> 01:05:22,292
- Gustav, make that a magnum.
- Very well, sir.
1105
01:05:30,626 --> 01:05:31,751
Thank you.
1106
01:05:38,542 --> 01:05:40,292
- Darling.
- Darling.
1107
01:05:58,001 --> 01:05:59,542
Benson? [laughs]
1108
01:05:59,626 --> 01:06:00,834
It's in the bag!
1109
01:06:00,917 --> 01:06:03,084
Well, put a couple of bottles
on the ice and go to bed.
1110
01:06:03,959 --> 01:06:05,917
My heartiest
congratulations, sir.
1111
01:06:06,001 --> 01:06:07,626
A notable achievement.
1112
01:06:17,876 --> 01:06:20,042
Uncle Arthur? Lucille speaking.
1113
01:06:20,751 --> 01:06:24,126
He's hooked. Open up a bottle of
champagne and have one on me.
1114
01:06:25,084 --> 01:06:27,501
My heartiest
congratulations, my dear.
1115
01:06:27,584 --> 01:06:29,167
Oh, a notable achievement.
1116
01:06:29,251 --> 01:06:31,584
[laughs heartily]
1117
01:06:38,792 --> 01:06:40,459
These flowers have
just been delivered.
1118
01:06:40,542 --> 01:06:41,667
Who for?
1119
01:06:41,751 --> 01:06:43,042
For you, I suppose.
1120
01:06:43,126 --> 01:06:45,417
Why? I'm not dead yet.
1121
01:06:46,792 --> 01:06:49,084
- You sent me those!
- I did no such thing.
1122
01:06:49,167 --> 01:06:51,917
You must have done. Nobody
likes me enough to send me flowers.
1123
01:06:53,876 --> 01:06:56,126
Without wishing to
appear rude, Mr Webb,
1124
01:06:56,626 --> 01:06:58,126
I don't like you enough either.
1125
01:06:58,209 --> 01:07:01,584
Oh, yes, you do. Enough to offer
me £1,000 to let you stay here.
1126
01:07:01,667 --> 01:07:04,268
But don't imagine that smothering
me in blooms is gonna do the trick.
1127
01:07:04,292 --> 01:07:05,810
You'll leave when
I want you to leave.
1128
01:07:05,834 --> 01:07:07,792
- I have no illusions about that.
- [door opens]
1129
01:07:10,792 --> 01:07:12,876
What lovely flowers.
Give them to me
1130
01:07:12,959 --> 01:07:15,334
- and get a vase and some water, will you?
- Yes, Miss Webb.
1131
01:07:15,417 --> 01:07:16,876
Who are they from?
1132
01:07:16,959 --> 01:07:19,876
More bribery and corruption
from that idiotic maid.
1133
01:07:19,959 --> 01:07:22,792
Why are you all
dolled up this morning?
1134
01:07:22,876 --> 01:07:25,542
- What are you grinning at?
- The flowers are meant for me.
1135
01:07:25,626 --> 01:07:27,709
- Who from?
- Your detective.
1136
01:07:27,792 --> 01:07:30,959
- Why is he sending you flowers?
- Well, because he likes me, I suppose.
1137
01:07:31,042 --> 01:07:34,542
He has no business liking you.
He's not paid to send you flowers.
1138
01:07:34,626 --> 01:07:36,001
Well, it helps him to buy them.
1139
01:07:36,084 --> 01:07:37,667
This must stop at once.
1140
01:07:38,042 --> 01:07:42,251
He has a perfect right to send me
flowers, and I hope he goes on doing so.
1141
01:07:43,667 --> 01:07:45,959
I was out with him until
midnight last night...
1142
01:07:46,917 --> 01:07:48,626
and I expect to be
much later tonight.
1143
01:07:48,709 --> 01:07:49,834
You'll stay in your room!
1144
01:07:49,917 --> 01:07:51,876
I'm sorry, Father. I won't!
1145
01:07:52,334 --> 01:07:55,042
You've successfully wrecked
every chance I ever had.
1146
01:07:55,126 --> 01:07:56,626
But it can't go on like this.
1147
01:07:56,709 --> 01:07:58,084
It's no good, Father.
1148
01:07:58,167 --> 01:08:00,459
You can't want me to
waste my life and become...
1149
01:08:00,542 --> 01:08:02,792
Well, something like that
batty old spinster out there.
1150
01:08:02,876 --> 01:08:03,876
[groans]
1151
01:08:03,959 --> 01:08:04,959
[chokes]
1152
01:08:11,001 --> 01:08:13,917
While the doctor's upstairs, I
thought you might like a cup of tea.
1153
01:08:14,001 --> 01:08:16,542
Thank you, Agnes. That
was very thoughtful of you.
1154
01:08:17,084 --> 01:08:18,459
Miss Webb,
1155
01:08:18,542 --> 01:08:21,001
I couldn't help overhearing
what you said about me upstairs.
1156
01:08:21,084 --> 01:08:23,084
I'm very sorry. I was
overwrought and I...
1157
01:08:23,167 --> 01:08:25,126
Oh, don't apologise. Please.
1158
01:08:25,209 --> 01:08:27,084
I know well enough what I am.
1159
01:08:28,001 --> 01:08:30,917
It takes some people a long
time to find out about themselves.
1160
01:08:31,667 --> 01:08:33,001
And when they do...
1161
01:08:33,084 --> 01:08:34,709
it's too late to do
anything about it.
1162
01:08:35,292 --> 01:08:36,626
It isn't too late for you.
1163
01:08:41,459 --> 01:08:42,751
How is he, Doctor?
1164
01:08:45,167 --> 01:08:47,251
Your father's an old
humbug, my dear.
1165
01:08:47,334 --> 01:08:49,667
He enjoys bad health
more than anyone I know.
1166
01:08:49,751 --> 01:08:52,126
You see, the trouble with
these hypochondriacs is
1167
01:08:52,209 --> 01:08:54,959
they can make themselves
just as ill as they want to be.
1168
01:08:55,042 --> 01:08:56,959
He has a dicky heart,
there's no denying,
1169
01:08:57,042 --> 01:08:59,501
but it's not going to kill
him unless he wants it to.
1170
01:08:59,584 --> 01:09:01,751
- What can I do?
- Be gentle with him.
1171
01:09:01,834 --> 01:09:04,667
Try to not to cross him in any
way. That might be dangerous.
1172
01:09:04,751 --> 01:09:07,376
- Well, there's not much else you can do.
- I see.
1173
01:09:07,792 --> 01:09:09,709
Thank you, Doctor.
I'll do what you said.
1174
01:09:09,792 --> 01:09:10,959
Goodbye, my dear.
1175
01:09:11,584 --> 01:09:14,084
- I'll look in again tonight.
- Yes, Doctor.
1176
01:10:25,501 --> 01:10:27,001
Why, Captain Russell.
1177
01:10:29,751 --> 01:10:31,542
I thought you were going away.
1178
01:10:31,626 --> 01:10:34,459
Ah, yes, yes. I am
going very shortly now.
1179
01:10:34,542 --> 01:10:36,292
What on earth
have you got there?
1180
01:10:36,376 --> 01:10:37,376
A brick.
1181
01:10:38,834 --> 01:10:41,042
[chuckling] A brick?
1182
01:10:42,126 --> 01:10:43,417
I do hope you'll be back soon.
1183
01:10:43,501 --> 01:10:45,709
I'm just longing to
get on with Blood Lust.
1184
01:10:45,792 --> 01:10:47,709
- Ah...
- It's the best yet, you know.
1185
01:10:47,792 --> 01:10:48,917
Dear Sheila.
1186
01:10:50,376 --> 01:10:53,251
That's the first time you've
ever called me Sheila.
1187
01:10:54,209 --> 01:10:55,501
Oh, is it?
1188
01:10:55,584 --> 01:10:57,834
Well, do forgive me.
I'm not feeling very well.
1189
01:10:58,251 --> 01:10:59,959
In fact, I'm not myself...
1190
01:11:01,167 --> 01:11:02,251
Don't move, Sheila.
1191
01:11:04,626 --> 01:11:07,167
Now listen, dear. Don't ask any
questions and don't look back.
1192
01:11:07,251 --> 01:11:09,959
I'll explain everything later.
Please go away quickly, Sheila.
1193
01:11:10,042 --> 01:11:12,209
As quickly as you
can. Hurry, dear.
1194
01:11:15,376 --> 01:11:16,501
Deniston!
1195
01:11:17,792 --> 01:11:19,001
Oh, Fluffy.
1196
01:11:19,084 --> 01:11:20,709
So this is your secret service?
1197
01:11:20,792 --> 01:11:22,334
I haven't gone yet, Fluffy.
1198
01:11:22,417 --> 01:11:24,251
Daddy was quite
right. He warned me.
1199
01:11:24,334 --> 01:11:27,001
- No, please. Please, listen, Fluffy...
- Don't call me that.
1200
01:11:27,084 --> 01:11:30,268
How could you do it? You're supposed to
be behind the Iron Curtain and look at you.
1201
01:11:30,292 --> 01:11:32,018
Who was that woman?
What were you giving her?
1202
01:11:32,042 --> 01:11:33,810
- Nothing, dear. Nothing.
- What's in that parcel?
1203
01:11:33,834 --> 01:11:35,084
A brick.
1204
01:11:35,167 --> 01:11:37,376
This is no moment
to start being funny.
1205
01:11:37,459 --> 01:11:39,209
You've humiliated
me quite enough.
1206
01:11:39,292 --> 01:11:42,172
I shall apply to Commandant Borthwaite
for an immediate posting overseas.
1207
01:11:42,251 --> 01:11:43,709
- Elizabeth...
- No!
1208
01:11:44,167 --> 01:11:45,376
Elizabeth!
1209
01:11:45,459 --> 01:11:47,334
[horn honks]
1210
01:11:54,709 --> 01:11:57,167
[glass shattering]
1211
01:12:00,209 --> 01:12:02,334
- Did you do that?
- Yes, he did. I saw him.
1212
01:12:03,959 --> 01:12:05,334
[brakes squealing]
1213
01:12:11,501 --> 01:12:12,584
You?
1214
01:12:13,126 --> 01:12:14,292
What are you doing here?
1215
01:12:14,376 --> 01:12:16,251
Don't worry, it's
nothing to do with you.
1216
01:12:17,084 --> 01:12:18,209
Where's Joan?
1217
01:12:25,209 --> 01:12:26,459
Now what's all this about?
1218
01:12:27,334 --> 01:12:30,167
Please go away. You have
no right to come in here.
1219
01:12:30,917 --> 01:12:33,667
I have every right to know why
you're out every time I telephone.
1220
01:12:34,542 --> 01:12:36,477
Why you've locked yourself
up in this dismal house
1221
01:12:36,501 --> 01:12:38,185
as if you were terrified
of the sight of me?
1222
01:12:38,209 --> 01:12:39,292
I just...
1223
01:12:39,917 --> 01:12:42,001
Just don't want to see
you any more, that's all.
1224
01:12:42,959 --> 01:12:45,292
- Liar.
- Roger, please go.
1225
01:12:45,376 --> 01:12:47,417
Oh, no. I'm not
going to stand by
1226
01:12:47,501 --> 01:12:50,084
and watch you waste your
life on that old fraud upstairs.
1227
01:12:50,167 --> 01:12:51,501
I'm going to see him now.
1228
01:12:55,292 --> 01:12:57,292
Roger, please try to understand.
1229
01:12:58,001 --> 01:13:00,001
I'm the only one
he's got and I...
1230
01:13:00,501 --> 01:13:02,084
I can't leave him.
1231
01:13:02,167 --> 01:13:03,542
You listen, you little fool.
1232
01:13:04,042 --> 01:13:06,084
I want to marry
you so badly that...
1233
01:13:06,584 --> 01:13:08,876
I'm even prepared to let
your father live with us.
1234
01:13:11,042 --> 01:13:12,376
Ever seen one of these?
1235
01:13:14,001 --> 01:13:15,459
It's for a special licence.
1236
01:13:17,126 --> 01:13:18,501
We're going to use it tomorrow.
1237
01:13:19,251 --> 01:13:20,292
Oh, no.
1238
01:13:20,376 --> 01:13:22,126
He'd never stand the shock.
1239
01:13:22,209 --> 01:13:24,501
Joan, if you don't make up
your mind, it will be too late.
1240
01:13:24,584 --> 01:13:27,251
Please, could you leave
us alone for a moment?
1241
01:13:30,417 --> 01:13:31,667
Just for a minute.
1242
01:13:31,751 --> 01:13:33,667
I only want to
help you if I can.
1243
01:13:34,542 --> 01:13:35,667
Please.
1244
01:13:35,751 --> 01:13:37,792
All right, but only
for a moment.
1245
01:13:40,667 --> 01:13:44,834
You've probably found out by now
that I live alone on a small income
1246
01:13:45,334 --> 01:13:48,417
and that I'm rather a
friendless sort of person.
1247
01:13:48,501 --> 01:13:49,834
But...
1248
01:13:49,917 --> 01:13:51,584
perhaps you don't know why.
1249
01:13:52,209 --> 01:13:53,876
The answer's a simple one.
1250
01:13:54,334 --> 01:13:57,876
I sacrificed my youth as you are
doing for someone like your father.
1251
01:13:58,459 --> 01:14:01,417
Like you, I received
no gratitude.
1252
01:14:01,501 --> 01:14:02,709
No reward.
1253
01:14:03,501 --> 01:14:04,751
Only misery...
1254
01:14:05,751 --> 01:14:07,334
- and loneliness.
- But...
1255
01:14:07,751 --> 01:14:10,167
- but someone must look after him.
- I will.
1256
01:14:11,292 --> 01:14:13,626
- You?
- Yes.
1257
01:14:13,709 --> 01:14:16,167
I'll stay here with him for
as long as is necessary.
1258
01:14:16,251 --> 01:14:18,292
Go and marry your
young man tomorrow.
1259
01:14:18,376 --> 01:14:20,167
Then come back and
worry about your father.
1260
01:14:20,251 --> 01:14:22,542
- He'd never stand it.
- Yes, he will. Go on.
1261
01:14:23,126 --> 01:14:24,126
Go on!
1262
01:14:30,001 --> 01:14:31,251
Thanks.
1263
01:14:48,292 --> 01:14:50,001
We're very late this morning.
1264
01:14:50,084 --> 01:14:51,626
A hold-up I suppose?
1265
01:14:52,626 --> 01:14:55,334
- Hmm?
- A hold-up on the trains.
1266
01:14:56,459 --> 01:14:59,459
[chuckles] Train. Yes.
1267
01:15:28,126 --> 01:15:29,459
Your hat.
1268
01:15:31,209 --> 01:15:32,459
Thank you.
1269
01:15:46,042 --> 01:15:48,042
Good morning, Mr Russell.
1270
01:15:49,126 --> 01:15:50,292
Miss Heath.
1271
01:15:53,084 --> 01:15:55,917
- Is Mr Wagstaffe alone just now?
- Yes.
1272
01:15:56,626 --> 01:15:58,167
I was afraid he would be.
1273
01:15:58,792 --> 01:16:00,459
- Huh?
- Hmm?
1274
01:16:00,542 --> 01:16:03,417
Well, you know he never sees
anyone between 10:00 and half past.
1275
01:16:04,084 --> 01:16:07,084
Well, I wanted to see him
on a rather personal matter.
1276
01:16:07,167 --> 01:16:10,084
Would you mind stopping
anyone coming in until I've...
1277
01:16:11,251 --> 01:16:13,542
- till I've finished with him.
- Of course.
1278
01:16:14,292 --> 01:16:16,001
Is something on your mind?
1279
01:16:16,959 --> 01:16:18,126
Yes.
1280
01:16:18,667 --> 01:16:21,709
I hope one day you'll let me
take you out to dinner and explain.
1281
01:16:21,792 --> 01:16:23,376
Ask me and see.
1282
01:16:24,542 --> 01:16:26,751
I only hope you'll
come, after...
1283
01:16:28,209 --> 01:16:29,417
after...
1284
01:16:32,751 --> 01:16:33,834
Hmm.
1285
01:16:56,751 --> 01:16:59,209
Mr Russell has all day
to badger Mr Wagstaffe.
1286
01:16:59,292 --> 01:17:01,143
These two gentlemen have
an appointment with him.
1287
01:17:01,167 --> 01:17:03,542
I'm sorry, but there's
nothing in the book about it.
1288
01:17:03,626 --> 01:17:05,417
Then he must have
forgotten to put it down.
1289
01:17:05,501 --> 01:17:07,167
This way, gentlemen, please.
1290
01:17:07,251 --> 01:17:08,292
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
1291
01:17:13,751 --> 01:17:15,209
In on holiday yet, gentlemen?
1292
01:17:15,292 --> 01:17:18,376
No? I'm going next
week. Camping.
1293
01:17:19,167 --> 01:17:20,209
Athletics.
1294
01:17:20,667 --> 01:17:21,751
Bit of an amateur boxer.
1295
01:17:21,834 --> 01:17:23,167
Two gentlemen to see you, sir.
1296
01:17:23,959 --> 01:17:25,459
[man] All right, put 'em up!
1297
01:17:47,584 --> 01:17:48,584
[whimpers]
1298
01:18:04,959 --> 01:18:06,959
Reach! Reach for the sky!
1299
01:18:09,584 --> 01:18:11,667
Well done, Russell.
1300
01:18:13,417 --> 01:18:15,542
[laughs sheepishly]
1301
01:18:18,001 --> 01:18:21,584
[continues laughing]
1302
01:18:28,084 --> 01:18:30,459
[Herbert on radio] Then I-I
levelled the pistol at them...
1303
01:18:30,542 --> 01:18:31,542
[shushes]
1304
01:18:31,626 --> 01:18:35,459
After a brief sort of
struggle, they capitulated.
1305
01:18:35,542 --> 01:18:37,709
[interviewer]
Unconditionally, eh?
1306
01:18:37,792 --> 01:18:39,751
Absolutely terrific, Mr Russell.
1307
01:18:40,167 --> 01:18:42,126
Now, tell me, what are
you plans for the future?
1308
01:18:42,584 --> 01:18:48,167
[Herbert] Well, I understand I'm to be
offered a branch managership immediately.
1309
01:18:48,251 --> 01:18:50,001
[interviewer]
Absolutely terrific.
1310
01:18:50,709 --> 01:18:54,126
Now tell me one last question.
Why do you carry a water pistol?
1311
01:18:56,709 --> 01:18:59,417
[Herbert] Oh... Oh, well...
1312
01:18:59,501 --> 01:19:04,417
[chuckles] Well-well, it
was... It-it-it was a sort of a...
1313
01:19:04,501 --> 01:19:07,376
A sort of a surprise
for somebody.
1314
01:19:07,459 --> 01:19:10,792
- [interviewer] Absolutely terrific.
- [Herbert chuckles]
1315
01:19:10,876 --> 01:19:12,917
[laughs]
1316
01:19:13,001 --> 01:19:15,709
Your family's getting up to some
funny pranks these days, eh?
1317
01:19:15,792 --> 01:19:17,876
- I brought you the evening papers.
- Thank you.
1318
01:19:17,959 --> 01:19:20,435
Where's that daughter of mine?
She should've been back hours ago.
1319
01:19:20,459 --> 01:19:21,459
She's here now.
1320
01:19:21,542 --> 01:19:23,792
She wanted you to meet her
husband before they go away.
1321
01:19:25,334 --> 01:19:26,917
Huh? What did you say?
1322
01:19:27,001 --> 01:19:29,876
She's just married that young
detective you hired to spy up on me.
1323
01:19:30,792 --> 01:19:33,001
She's married... detec...
1324
01:19:35,417 --> 01:19:37,751
- This is your doing!
- No, it's yours.
1325
01:19:37,834 --> 01:19:39,376
You brought him into the house.
1326
01:19:42,209 --> 01:19:44,042
[exclaims, groans]
1327
01:19:45,126 --> 01:19:48,084
Oh, dear, you needn't
put on a show for me,
1328
01:19:48,167 --> 01:19:50,917
"cause I shan't send for
the doctor, even if you do."
1329
01:19:51,001 --> 01:19:53,209
- How dare you!
- Now, now, now.
1330
01:19:53,292 --> 01:19:55,709
As far as you're concerned,
there's no need to worry
1331
01:19:55,792 --> 01:19:57,917
because I promised your
daughter to stay here with you
1332
01:19:58,001 --> 01:19:59,459
for as long as it
may be necessary.
1333
01:19:59,542 --> 01:20:00,751
You...
1334
01:20:00,834 --> 01:20:02,542
Smile, Mr Webb.
1335
01:20:02,626 --> 01:20:04,834
Look. Over there.
1336
01:20:18,209 --> 01:20:20,417
Congratulations, my dear.
1337
01:20:20,501 --> 01:20:22,792
I hope he makes a better
husband than he does a detective.
1338
01:20:22,876 --> 01:20:25,042
Oh, thank you, Daddy!
I was so worried.
1339
01:20:25,126 --> 01:20:27,709
Oh, very foolish of you.
You don't have to worry.
1340
01:20:27,792 --> 01:20:29,876
It's poor Bertha who
must bear the brunt.
1341
01:20:29,959 --> 01:20:32,393
It won't be for long, Daddy, and
then you'll come and live with us.
1342
01:20:32,417 --> 01:20:34,834
Live with a detective?
I'd never feel safe.
1343
01:20:34,917 --> 01:20:37,417
We'll try to make you feel
at home in spite of that, sir.
1344
01:20:37,501 --> 01:20:39,352
- That's remarkably kind of you.
- Daddy, we must fly.
1345
01:20:39,376 --> 01:20:40,917
Our train leaves
in half an hour.
1346
01:20:41,834 --> 01:20:43,542
- I'll look after her, sir.
- You better.
1347
01:20:43,626 --> 01:20:45,417
Thank you, Agnes,
for everything.
1348
01:20:45,501 --> 01:20:47,126
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
1349
01:20:58,751 --> 01:21:01,042
- [door closes]
- A touching little scene.
1350
01:21:01,126 --> 01:21:02,792
Thank you for taking it so well.
1351
01:21:02,876 --> 01:21:06,292
Ha! I'm never one to shut the
door after the horse has bolted.
1352
01:21:06,792 --> 01:21:09,501
Though I'm sometimes liable
to look a gift horse in the mouth.
1353
01:21:10,126 --> 01:21:11,667
That was a noble
gesture of yours,
1354
01:21:11,751 --> 01:21:15,917
offering to stay indefinitely with
an unpleasant old man like me.
1355
01:21:16,001 --> 01:21:18,084
I made few such
gestures in my life.
1356
01:21:18,167 --> 01:21:20,042
- I was happy to do it.
- Aye.
1357
01:21:20,584 --> 01:21:22,667
But it was only necessary
to stay a month, wasn't it?
1358
01:21:22,751 --> 01:21:23,751
Yes.
1359
01:21:23,834 --> 01:21:26,917
Well, I don't think such
unselfishness should go unrewarded.
1360
01:21:27,001 --> 01:21:29,459
I'm prepared to
make a sacrifice, too,
1361
01:21:29,542 --> 01:21:32,042
and do without you
and your £1,000.
1362
01:21:32,126 --> 01:21:34,001
- But...
- You're fired, Miss Russell.
1363
01:21:34,084 --> 01:21:35,792
Pack your bags and go now!
1364
01:21:37,584 --> 01:21:39,084
I might've expected that.
1365
01:21:39,167 --> 01:21:40,459
Aye, I think you might.
1366
01:21:41,042 --> 01:21:44,126
I don't know what you're
losing, but it must be worth a lot.
1367
01:21:44,209 --> 01:21:45,376
It was.
1368
01:21:46,167 --> 01:21:49,084
But I think I've gained
more in other ways.
1369
01:21:50,251 --> 01:21:51,542
Goodbye, Mr Webb.
1370
01:21:54,542 --> 01:21:57,167
And... congratulations.
1371
01:22:07,626 --> 01:22:10,001
Enjoy your weekend?
You're for the high jump.
1372
01:22:10,084 --> 01:22:11,604
There's a new beak
on the bench today.
1373
01:22:11,667 --> 01:22:14,627
He's up from the East End courts where
they look down on the upper classes.
1374
01:22:29,876 --> 01:22:33,126
[clerk] Number one on
your list, Deniston Russell.
1375
01:22:34,917 --> 01:22:36,042
[gasps]
1376
01:22:38,917 --> 01:22:40,667
[quips] Elizabeth.
1377
01:22:41,959 --> 01:22:43,417
[chuckles] Excuse me.
1378
01:22:43,501 --> 01:22:45,221
- Hey, what are you doing?
- It's all right.
1379
01:22:45,251 --> 01:22:46,417
I think I've changed my mind.
1380
01:22:46,501 --> 01:22:48,751
- I'm innocent.
- I know, I know.
1381
01:22:54,001 --> 01:22:55,709
[clerk] James Deniston Russell.
1382
01:22:55,792 --> 01:23:00,751
You are charged that on the 14th
instant, at number 121 Mayfair Street,
1383
01:23:00,834 --> 01:23:06,126
you caused wilful damage to a
plate glass window valued at £15.
1384
01:23:06,792 --> 01:23:10,417
You are further charged that you
did, at the same time, date and place,
1385
01:23:10,501 --> 01:23:14,251
assault Charles Baker, a
constable in the Metropolitan Police,
1386
01:23:14,334 --> 01:23:16,626
by striking him
with your umbrella.
1387
01:23:18,292 --> 01:23:20,417
Do you plead
guilty or not guilty?
1388
01:23:23,042 --> 01:23:25,834
- Hmm?
- Do you plead guilty or not guilty?
1389
01:23:26,667 --> 01:23:31,876
Well it's, uh... It's true that certain
unfortunate circumstances did,
1390
01:23:31,959 --> 01:23:33,751
well, force me
into certain actions.
1391
01:23:33,834 --> 01:23:37,042
But I mean, if I'd dreamt that
I'd be meeting you, Sir Charles,
1392
01:23:37,126 --> 01:23:38,584
or dear Elizabeth here...
1393
01:23:38,667 --> 01:23:40,751
[clerk] We shall take
that as a plea of not guilty.
1394
01:23:43,126 --> 01:23:46,227
I swear by almighty God that the evidence
I shall give the court will be the truth,
1395
01:23:46,251 --> 01:23:47,893
the whole truth and
nothing but the truth.
1396
01:23:47,917 --> 01:23:50,251
[clerk] Charles Baker,
police constable 149...
1397
01:23:50,334 --> 01:23:51,768
[Sheila] Whatever
it is, he didn't do it!
1398
01:23:51,792 --> 01:23:53,834
- But I've got to tell him, I...
- All right.
1399
01:23:53,917 --> 01:23:55,501
You mustn't come in here.
1400
01:23:55,584 --> 01:23:57,417
- You can't put me off like that.
- [shushes]
1401
01:23:57,501 --> 01:23:59,626
- He's innocent.
- They all are, miss.
1402
01:23:59,709 --> 01:24:01,251
I want to give evidence.
1403
01:24:01,334 --> 01:24:03,792
Well, if you just wait a
moment, I'll see what I can do.
1404
01:24:03,876 --> 01:24:06,209
The accused thereupon assaulted
me in the course of my duty
1405
01:24:06,292 --> 01:24:08,459
by striking me with his
umbrella, Your Worship.
1406
01:24:09,251 --> 01:24:11,792
You heard the constable's
evidence, Captain Russell.
1407
01:24:11,876 --> 01:24:14,292
Do you wish to ask
him any questions on it?
1408
01:24:15,042 --> 01:24:17,126
Oh, no, no. No, thank you.
1409
01:24:17,667 --> 01:24:19,834
Have you anything
you wish to say?
1410
01:24:20,292 --> 01:24:22,584
Uh, no, no. Not at present.
1411
01:24:22,667 --> 01:24:27,167
Although, I'll be most happy to explain
it all to you personally in 28 days time.
1412
01:24:27,251 --> 01:24:30,376
Now is the time if you
want to say anything at all.
1413
01:24:30,459 --> 01:24:32,584
Have you no witnesses
you wish to call?
1414
01:24:32,667 --> 01:24:34,084
Uh, no. No, no.
1415
01:24:34,167 --> 01:24:37,584
Excuse me, sir. There's a lady outside who
would like to give evidence on his behalf.
1416
01:24:37,667 --> 01:24:40,001
- Call her, then! Call her.
- Yes, sir.
1417
01:24:42,251 --> 01:24:45,792
Captain Russell, you poor
dear. What are they doing to you?
1418
01:24:45,876 --> 01:24:47,709
Don't you worry. I'll
get you out of this.
1419
01:24:47,792 --> 01:24:51,042
No, no. No, no, no.
Please, please. No, no.
1420
01:24:51,834 --> 01:24:54,542
Take the book in the right hand
and read what it says on the card.
1421
01:24:54,626 --> 01:24:56,018
I swear by almighty
God to tell the truth,
1422
01:24:56,042 --> 01:24:58,018
the whole truth and nothing
but the truth, so help me God.
1423
01:24:58,042 --> 01:25:01,334
Sheila Wilcott, 21 Juniper Drive, Eating.
I'm the secretary to the captain here.
1424
01:25:01,417 --> 01:25:03,698
I don't know what you think
he's done, but it's all a lie.
1425
01:25:03,751 --> 01:25:05,126
[laughter]
1426
01:25:05,209 --> 01:25:06,251
Quiet!
1427
01:25:06,334 --> 01:25:07,876
- Hmm?
- It's a lie.
1428
01:25:08,376 --> 01:25:11,876
Captain Russell admits throwing a
brick through a shop window, Miss Wilcott.
1429
01:25:12,292 --> 01:25:15,667
Oh. Oh, well then he's suffering
from strain and overwork.
1430
01:25:15,751 --> 01:25:17,084
I always said he would.
1431
01:25:17,167 --> 01:25:19,376
It's medical attention
he needs, not this.
1432
01:25:19,459 --> 01:25:22,917
Just a minute. I understood he
retired from the army five years ago
1433
01:25:23,001 --> 01:25:24,417
and has had no employment since.
1434
01:25:24,501 --> 01:25:27,792
Ah, that's because he's
too retiring to talk about it.
1435
01:25:29,167 --> 01:25:33,334
Captain Russell is one of the
most successful writers of the age.
1436
01:25:33,417 --> 01:25:35,001
Writers? What's he write?
1437
01:25:35,792 --> 01:25:37,376
Books. Hundreds of them.
1438
01:25:39,334 --> 01:25:41,334
I read a good deal.
I've never heard of him.
1439
01:25:41,417 --> 01:25:43,834
Ah, no, you wouldn't.
Not by Captain Russell.
1440
01:25:44,251 --> 01:25:46,834
But no doubt you'll have
heard of Merton Somersby,
1441
01:25:46,917 --> 01:25:50,751
Jeremy Sinclair
and Gloria Trubshaw.
1442
01:25:51,501 --> 01:25:53,459
[laughter]
1443
01:25:53,959 --> 01:25:56,251
[Sir Charles] Gloria
Trubshaw? Who's she?
1444
01:25:56,959 --> 01:25:58,334
What's she got to do with it?
1445
01:25:59,209 --> 01:26:01,501
[Sheila] Well, it's one of
the captain's names, sir.
1446
01:26:01,584 --> 01:26:03,084
[Sir Charles] Alias, you say?
1447
01:26:03,709 --> 01:26:05,917
Here's Bloody Justice for you.
1448
01:26:06,001 --> 01:26:07,917
- [laughter]
- What's that?
1449
01:26:08,001 --> 01:26:09,417
Bloody Justice.
1450
01:26:09,959 --> 01:26:11,042
Give it to me.
1451
01:26:12,251 --> 01:26:13,542
Thank you.
1452
01:26:14,209 --> 01:26:17,876
Bloody Justice by
Gloria Trubshaw?
1453
01:26:18,459 --> 01:26:20,584
Do you admit to writing
this, Miss Trubshaw?
1454
01:26:20,667 --> 01:26:22,876
- [laughter]
- I mean, Captain Russell.
1455
01:26:22,959 --> 01:26:24,251
[exhales sharply]
1456
01:26:29,167 --> 01:26:30,876
Thank you, Miss Wilcott.
1457
01:26:30,959 --> 01:26:33,292
I admire your spirit
in coming here,
1458
01:26:33,376 --> 01:26:38,167
but the fact that Captain
Russell has written these things
1459
01:26:38,251 --> 01:26:40,084
does not alter the
facts of the case.
1460
01:26:40,167 --> 01:26:41,876
Though my own private view is
1461
01:26:41,959 --> 01:26:46,042
this type of literature encourages
hooliganism and crime.
1462
01:26:46,126 --> 01:26:48,726
- Well, you're wrong. Just because...
- I thank you, Miss Wilcott.
1463
01:26:48,751 --> 01:26:49,751
I'm much obliged.
1464
01:26:49,834 --> 01:26:51,834
- But you don't understand.
- I'm much obliged.
1465
01:26:59,542 --> 01:27:01,376
Don't take any notice of them.
1466
01:27:01,459 --> 01:27:03,435
[Sir Charles] I find the case
proved. Anything previous?
1467
01:27:03,459 --> 01:27:05,393
[clerk] No, sir. He had an
excellent record in the army.
1468
01:27:05,417 --> 01:27:08,584
It's a tragedy to see a man in
your position standing in this court.
1469
01:27:08,667 --> 01:27:11,417
Had you shown the slightest
desire to defend yourself,
1470
01:27:11,501 --> 01:27:13,542
I might have been able
to take a different course.
1471
01:27:13,959 --> 01:27:16,876
However, I have no option
but to send you to prison.
1472
01:27:17,251 --> 01:27:18,334
You may not realise it,
1473
01:27:18,417 --> 01:27:21,709
but it's in my power to send you
away for at least three months.
1474
01:27:22,417 --> 01:27:23,542
Oh, no.
1475
01:27:23,917 --> 01:27:25,292
However, I'm inclined to think
1476
01:27:25,376 --> 01:27:29,959
that a total of 14 days in
gaol will probably be enough.
1477
01:27:30,876 --> 01:27:32,126
Fourteen days?
1478
01:27:33,042 --> 01:27:34,126
Oh, but that's not enough.
1479
01:27:34,209 --> 01:27:36,501
[laughter]
1480
01:27:36,584 --> 01:27:37,667
Did you say something?
1481
01:27:38,667 --> 01:27:39,709
Yes.
1482
01:27:40,251 --> 01:27:43,584
Yes, I... I said that you
were a pompous ass.
1483
01:27:44,042 --> 01:27:45,459
- [laughter]
- Very well.
1484
01:27:45,876 --> 01:27:49,334
Fourteen days on the first
charge and seven on the second.
1485
01:27:50,042 --> 01:27:52,334
Twenty-one days in all, hmm?
1486
01:27:53,167 --> 01:27:55,626
- That's still not enough.
- [laughter]
1487
01:27:55,709 --> 01:27:58,334
Pompous ass I said and
pompous ass I meant.
1488
01:27:59,126 --> 01:28:03,292
You, you're not fit to conduct a
bus, let alone a court of justice.
1489
01:28:03,376 --> 01:28:06,501
And a further seven
days for contempt of court!
1490
01:28:07,667 --> 01:28:10,084
The sentences to
run consecutively.
1491
01:28:10,709 --> 01:28:12,417
Twenty-eight days in all! Hmm!
1492
01:28:12,917 --> 01:28:14,251
Twenty-eight days.
1493
01:28:15,417 --> 01:28:17,917
[sighs] Thank you. Thank
you, Sir Charles, very much.
1494
01:28:18,376 --> 01:28:19,584
I'm terribly sorry.
1495
01:28:20,709 --> 01:28:24,334
I suggest he's medically
examined by the prison doctor.
1496
01:28:24,417 --> 01:28:27,542
[chuckles] No, no, no. No need
for that, Sir Charles, I assure you.
1497
01:28:27,626 --> 01:28:29,310
- Take him away!
- [Deniston] I'll explain...
1498
01:28:29,334 --> 01:28:31,917
Take him away! Take him away!
1499
01:28:38,042 --> 01:28:40,209
- Elizabeth.
- Yes, Deniston?
1500
01:28:40,292 --> 01:28:42,417
I... I wanted to give you this.
1501
01:28:44,751 --> 01:28:46,001
Oh, Elizabeth.
1502
01:28:46,751 --> 01:28:49,310
I have permission to see you
because there's something I want to say.
1503
01:28:49,334 --> 01:28:51,626
- I...
- Wait. Please, listen, Elizabeth.
1504
01:28:52,251 --> 01:28:55,709
You have no idea what it cost
me to be rude to your father.
1505
01:28:55,792 --> 01:28:58,459
Or, for that matter, what it would
have cost me if I hadn't been.
1506
01:28:58,542 --> 01:29:00,876
But, look, I promise
you that in one month
1507
01:29:00,959 --> 01:29:03,251
you'll understand the
awful predicament I was in.
1508
01:29:03,334 --> 01:29:07,417
I have no wish to hear your
excuses now or at any other time.
1509
01:29:08,751 --> 01:29:14,209
Apart from behaving as a complete
rotter to poor darling daddykins, I...
1510
01:29:15,042 --> 01:29:17,459
I couldn't possibly marry
someone who's deceived me.
1511
01:29:18,501 --> 01:29:19,584
Deceived you?
1512
01:29:20,917 --> 01:29:22,959
Oh, but I haven't.
1513
01:29:23,042 --> 01:29:24,834
I mean about your profession.
1514
01:29:24,917 --> 01:29:29,751
I-I could... I could never marry a man
who earns his living in such a low way.
1515
01:29:29,834 --> 01:29:33,084
If I found one of my girls reading
such rubbish, I'd punish her.
1516
01:29:33,167 --> 01:29:35,167
It's-it's-it's trash!
1517
01:29:37,959 --> 01:29:39,084
All right.
1518
01:29:39,709 --> 01:29:40,792
Trash it is.
1519
01:29:42,167 --> 01:29:44,584
But at least it doesn't
pretend to be important.
1520
01:29:46,459 --> 01:29:49,376
Perhaps I'd be happier with someone
who thinks that what I do is good.
1521
01:29:49,876 --> 01:29:51,084
Even if it isn't.
1522
01:29:51,751 --> 01:29:53,542
You better marry
your secretary then.
1523
01:30:03,584 --> 01:30:05,001
All right, Constable.
1524
01:30:05,542 --> 01:30:08,042
I've finished with him.
Come take him away.
1525
01:30:08,126 --> 01:30:09,542
Yes, sir
1526
01:30:10,084 --> 01:30:11,417
I-I mean, ma'am.
1527
01:30:11,501 --> 01:30:12,709
Come along, then.
1528
01:30:28,626 --> 01:30:29,876
Keep your chin up.
1529
01:30:31,042 --> 01:30:33,167
- It won't be long.
- Of course it won't.
1530
01:30:33,751 --> 01:30:36,626
- And then back to Blood Lust.
- Yes, Blood Lust!
1531
01:30:36,709 --> 01:30:38,501
We'll finish it together!
1532
01:30:42,792 --> 01:30:45,667
- What are you looking so happy about?
- Oh, why not? [chuckles]
1533
01:30:47,126 --> 01:30:48,501
It's the happiest
day of my life.
1534
01:30:49,417 --> 01:30:51,959
It's the happiest day
of my life, Mrs Russell.
1535
01:30:57,001 --> 01:30:58,292
If I may say so, sir,
1536
01:30:58,376 --> 01:31:01,792
it's an honour to be a witness
on such a happy occasion.
1537
01:31:01,876 --> 01:31:04,036
Dear old Benson, I wouldn't
have had any other witness.
1538
01:31:04,084 --> 01:31:06,251
You've no idea of the
scrapes he's got me out of.
1539
01:31:06,334 --> 01:31:08,060
If it hadn't been for Benson,
I wouldn't be with you now.
1540
01:31:08,084 --> 01:31:09,834
I can believe you, darling.
1541
01:31:09,917 --> 01:31:12,102
See you in a couple weeks,
Benson. Thanks for everything.
1542
01:31:12,126 --> 01:31:14,887
- Thank you for everything too.
- Thank you so much. Very kind of you.
1543
01:31:16,751 --> 01:31:19,709
I wish you every
happiness, Mrs Russell.
1544
01:31:19,792 --> 01:31:21,667
- Thank you.
- [Benson] Bon voyage!
1545
01:31:21,751 --> 01:31:23,417
- Goodbye!
- Cheerio!
1546
01:31:23,501 --> 01:31:25,626
- Goodbye Mrs Russell.
- [Simon] Goodbye.
1547
01:31:25,709 --> 01:31:26,751
[Lucille] Goodbye!
1548
01:31:26,834 --> 01:31:29,584
Have a jolly good time! I hope.
1549
01:31:31,626 --> 01:31:33,292
Don't think me fussy old girl,
1550
01:31:33,376 --> 01:31:35,917
but I shouldn't make a
habit of kissing Benson.
1551
01:31:36,001 --> 01:31:38,292
Why not, darling? He's my uncle.
1552
01:31:39,084 --> 01:31:40,084
What?
1553
01:31:40,667 --> 01:31:42,292
Benson's your uncle?
1554
01:31:42,376 --> 01:31:44,667
Yes, my mother's
brother. Didn't I tell you?
1555
01:31:44,751 --> 01:31:46,667
[stammers] But... you-you...
1556
01:31:47,417 --> 01:31:51,251
- Cheating little fraud!
- Oh, we both are, darling.
1557
01:31:51,334 --> 01:31:53,334
We're going to get on fine.
1558
01:31:53,417 --> 01:31:55,417
Oh! You... I...
1559
01:31:58,167 --> 01:32:00,667
- Oh. Oh, ma'am.
- Yes?
1560
01:32:01,167 --> 01:32:02,459
I'm going out now, Ethel.
1561
01:32:02,542 --> 01:32:04,222
Will you be back for
dinner tonight, ma'am?
1562
01:32:04,292 --> 01:32:06,126
Yes. I'll be back.
1563
01:32:06,209 --> 01:32:07,501
I've nothing to celebrate.
1564
01:32:08,001 --> 01:32:10,459
Today I might've claimed
a fortune. But I can't.
1565
01:32:11,459 --> 01:32:12,751
All right, Ethel.
1566
01:32:20,334 --> 01:32:22,126
What are you doing here?
1567
01:32:23,167 --> 01:32:25,542
I... I thought I'd just...
1568
01:32:26,126 --> 01:32:27,834
pop round and see you.
1569
01:32:28,542 --> 01:32:29,667
Why?
1570
01:32:29,751 --> 01:32:32,792
I wondered if maybe you'd be so
kind as to come have a meal with me.
1571
01:32:33,376 --> 01:32:35,917
- Why?
- Call it a Celtic conscience.
1572
01:32:36,501 --> 01:32:39,417
A notion you sacrificed a
lot to put my girl on her feet.
1573
01:32:39,501 --> 01:32:41,334
Yes. A fortune.
1574
01:32:41,792 --> 01:32:44,459
So if you have any ideas
about claiming that £1,000...
1575
01:32:44,542 --> 01:32:47,126
Oh, good gracious,
no. I've plenty of money.
1576
01:32:47,209 --> 01:32:49,001
Nobody to spend
it on but myself.
1577
01:32:50,084 --> 01:32:51,417
It's a gloomy discovery to make
1578
01:32:51,501 --> 01:32:54,626
that there's not a soul in the
world that wants to dine with you.
1579
01:32:55,376 --> 01:32:56,584
Won't you help me out?
1580
01:32:57,251 --> 01:32:58,251
Please?
1581
01:33:02,459 --> 01:33:04,209
Is there any reason
why I should?
1582
01:33:05,251 --> 01:33:06,751
None whatsoever.
1583
01:33:08,251 --> 01:33:09,459
- Ethel.
- [Ethel] Yes, ma'am?
1584
01:33:09,542 --> 01:33:11,084
I shan't be in to
dinner tonight.
1585
01:33:11,626 --> 01:33:12,792
Thank you.
1586
01:33:18,001 --> 01:33:20,042
The deceased
left a sealed letter
1587
01:33:20,126 --> 01:33:23,292
with instructions that it
should not be opened or read
1588
01:33:23,376 --> 01:33:25,792
until you had all
completed your tasks.
1589
01:33:26,834 --> 01:33:29,001
I will now proceed to read it.
1590
01:33:30,417 --> 01:33:33,959
"I trust that you've all gained
something from the tasks I set you
1591
01:33:34,042 --> 01:33:37,209
apart from the material
consideration involved.
1592
01:33:38,084 --> 01:33:40,667
I have always been
a practical joker,
1593
01:33:40,751 --> 01:33:44,709
"but practically all my jokes
have had some practical intent."
1594
01:33:45,334 --> 01:33:47,126
Dear me, what a
complicated sentence.
1595
01:33:47,792 --> 01:33:49,251
As the one who has failed,
1596
01:33:49,751 --> 01:33:53,084
I would like to say at once how
deeply grateful I am to my brother
1597
01:33:53,501 --> 01:33:58,042
for bringing me a measure of happiness
I never dreamt of finding in this world.
1598
01:33:58,126 --> 01:34:00,626
Well, now, Cousin Agnes,
I'd like to second that.
1599
01:34:01,376 --> 01:34:05,251
It's true, I win my fortune, but
I also benefited enormously,
1600
01:34:05,626 --> 01:34:07,501
in... in other ways.
1601
01:34:08,042 --> 01:34:11,001
Here, here. I feel
a new man too.
1602
01:34:11,626 --> 01:34:13,709
Well, jolly good
luck to you all.
1603
01:34:13,792 --> 01:34:16,917
But I don't mind saying that
the cash is my one consolation.
1604
01:34:17,001 --> 01:34:18,584
And knowing my dear wife,
1605
01:34:19,001 --> 01:34:20,641
well, that's not going
to last very long.
1606
01:34:20,667 --> 01:34:22,792
If I might be able
to continue, please.
1607
01:34:23,376 --> 01:34:26,209
"I sincerely hope that you've
all gained a little something,
1608
01:34:26,584 --> 01:34:29,584
for now comes the
biggest joke of all.
1609
01:34:29,667 --> 01:34:32,126
I died flat"... [laughs]
1610
01:34:32,751 --> 01:34:35,126
[laughing] "Flat"...
1611
01:34:35,209 --> 01:34:37,042
[all chuckling]
1612
01:34:37,126 --> 01:34:38,376
Not broke!
1613
01:34:38,459 --> 01:34:40,084
Broke! That's it!
1614
01:34:40,459 --> 01:34:41,584
"Flat broke."
1615
01:34:41,667 --> 01:34:44,126
There isn't a penny
for any of you.
1616
01:34:44,459 --> 01:34:47,209
[laughing]
1617
01:34:54,709 --> 01:34:57,834
[chuckles, laughs]
1618
01:35:16,584 --> 01:35:19,959
[all laughing]
1619
01:35:25,959 --> 01:35:27,459
[horn honks]
1620
01:35:33,501 --> 01:35:34,626
Good!
1621
01:35:38,626 --> 01:35:41,126
[all continue laughing]
125089
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