All language subtitles for Intelligence.US.S01E01_English

- You can spin it,
as quick as you can,

and then you can see all the
different colors like that.

- It's really clever.

- You didn't borrow my
memory stick did you?

It's got a picture
of a vagina on it.

- Printed on the actual
pic or as a JPEG?

- Both.

- And it's yours?

- The stick belongs to me
but it's not my vagina.

- What does it look like?

- My vagina?

- Sorry, do you
think the terrorists

just sit around
chatting all day?

Get back to work.

- I bet some of them do.

- You'd go mad
otherwise wouldn't you?

- Suicidal.

(dramatic music)

(explosion)

- Do you want a biscuit
or anything Tula?

Mary, do you want a biscuit?
- No.

They give you migraines?

- Okay, right, I need a
full update from all of you.

As you heard just now,
we have Jerry Bernstein

from the NSA arriving shortly.

- Oh my God, Jerry Bernstein's
gonna be working with us?

- And he is going to
be our NSA liaison.

If you must speak
to the Americans

you'll now go through him.

Is that gonna be a problem?

- Absolutely not,
I'm a huge, huge fan.

He and I had a lot of email
back and forth on 9/11.

- He's a terrorist?

- No, Whitehall
created the position

as part of our shared
intelligence initiative.

Aside from providing a
link to American resources

I'm told he has a
wealth of experience.

- Should I book Pizza
Express in that case?

- I suspect he'll
be too jet-lagged.

- I don't mind.

Sorry, so will he
be here long then?

- Yes, providing he
plays by the rules.

("Sharp Dressed Man" by ZZ Top)

- All right mate, excuse me.

- Mary, where are we with
last week's cryptanalysis?

Can you stop doing that please?

- Sorry the pages are a
bit ripped, it was my cat.

I'm worried he might have
caught Huntington's disease.

- You're born with
Huntingdon's disease.

- No I wasn't.

- It does not matter.

- No, I've heard
it's really serious.

- Tuva, did you manage to
hack the Scorpio server?

- All the names
and IP addresses,

plus recordings of
their voicemails.

- That's really good, Tuva.

- Some of this is
incredibly filthy.

- Thank you.

- Oh I love that kind of stuff.

- I can't take it.

- You know you're
not meant to eat it--

- Latest systems update.

Joseph, go.

- Now?

Okay.

So all our main systems seem
to be running absolutely fine.

We've still got a
fair bit of chatter

to analyze from
yesterday morning,

about 25% of that left to do.

Also, I did end up
stumbling across

Matthew McConaughey's
browsing history.

- Why is GSHQ's center
for cyber security

looking at Matthew
McConaughey's browsing history?

- I suspected a
glitch in the system,

but I just thought I'd
follow it up just in case.

Do you not want to know
what he's been looking at?

- Is it in the interest
of national security?

- Not really no, it's
lawn mowers, mainly.

Big ones.

- Ooh.

- Also we just lost
our primary drone

over the Iranian border.

- Jesus Christ.

- I know, and to
add insult to injury

the level three printer's
stopped working.

- Oh no.

(phones chiming)

- Ooh, database breach.

Bank of England.

- [Christine] I've
really gotta change that.

How do you get
yours to just beep?

- [Tuva] It's just set on beep.

- [Joseph] I think
this must be Elaine.

She walked down the aisle today.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Quick as you like.

* Aserejé ja deje
tejebe tude jebere *

* Sebiunouba majabi an de
bugui an de buididipí *

* Aserejé ja deje
tejebe tude jebere *

* Sebiunouba majabi an de
bugui an de buididipí *

* Aserejé ja

- Can you grab my luggage
or do I need to do that too?

(phone rings)

- Hello?

Oh yeah, yeah yeah yeah.

No I'll come down.

Yes!

Jerry's here.

Jerry's here.

Hey, Jerry.

Hi.

Joseph Harries.

So great to finally meet you.

- Hey.

Sorry, do we know each other?

- Oh yeah I'm the one
who used to send the NSA,

all the weekly cyber memos.

- No way, I thought
that was spam.

- No, it was me.

- Right, what was
your name again?

- Joseph Harries.

- Right, John, do
you mind me asking,

do you have dwarfism
in your family?

- I don't think, no.

- Okay, well you should check.

- Okay.

- Can you give me a hand?

- Yes, absolutely.

Right, here we go, we're
just up on the third floor.

- Oh, oh no, don't
use the wheels.

It's quite an expensive case.

Can you carry it in?

I won't be long.

- Yeah, okay.

Oh my God.

- [Female] Hello?

- Hi, mom!

- Evelyn.

Evelyn!

(phone rings)

Hello?

- Yeah did you want me?

- Yes, can you come up please?

- Oh my God.

What?

- Could you not
hear me shouting?

- I was on the phone.

- Yes, to me!

Get me a full background
check on Jerry Bernstein,

I need to see his file.

- It's classified.

- If only there were an
institution that cracked codes

to access classified
information.

- So where's that?

- Okay, shall we go through?

- Oh hey Jerry, sorry,
they've just told us

to wait here for a sec.

- Why?

- It's just a security
thing, won't be long.

- What, because you're...

- Oh no, it's not that,
it's just they need to

check inside the case.

- Because they think it's yours?

- No, no, standard procedure,
this happens all the time.

- Right, because you're...

- Evelyn's here and
that's where I sit,

and I'm just over there.

And Jerry, this is
Chris Cranfield,

Director of
cybersecurity at GCHQ.

- Ah!

- No way.

I was expecting a guy.

Jerry Bernstein, NSA.

Do you prefer Chris
or Christopher?

- It's Christine actually.

- Right.

These are for you and the team.

- [Joseph] Oh lovely.

- So, what have
we got going down?

You wanna give me like a two
word summary of where we're at?

- No.

Why don't you just settle
in, we can catch up later.

Joseph, will you show
Jerry to his office?

- [Joseph] Yeah sure.

- Hold the phone.

So what OS are we using here?

Is this Lysander 4.4?

- 4.5.

- Nice.

- This is Tuva Olson.

Used to be one of Europe's
most notorious hackers.

- Still am.

That was a joke.

- Man I love humor.

Jerry Bernstein, NSA.

- Bernstein?

Is that Jewish?

- Wouldn't you like to know.

Flirt.

- Mary, come over and
say hello to Jerry.

Quickly.

- God, what happened?

- Nothing.

What do you mean?

- This is Mary Needham,
one of GCHQ's finest.

- Finest what?

- Cryptanalysts.

- Mary was one of the
first female professors

to be nominated
for a Nobel Prize.

- Wow.

Did you win?

- No, and I earned up getting
cystitis on the day, sadly.

I think it was all the stress.

- Great story.

Can we get the
air-con turned on?

It feels about 74 degrees
and I find my team

works best at 71.

- Yeah I can do that--

- [Christine] No!

Sit down please, Joseph.

- Yeah I need you to take notes.

Please stay.

All right everyone, listen up.

I am now your best
possible resource.

I'm here for you, so
I want you to use me,

exploit me, punish me.

I wanna feel as if
I've been uploaded

into each and every one of you.

Even you guys.

- What are you doing?

- I'm just welcoming everyone.

Can we get them to stop?

- No, we're in the
middle of something,

Bank of England, no American
liaison required, sadly.

- Okay, listen,
I just wanna say,

I'm really excited about this.

I think we can learn
a lot from each other.

Especially from me.

- It'll be a pleasure
collaborating

with one of our oldest
and closest allies.

Welcome to the GCHQ.

- Thank you.

Back to work everyone.

(upbeat music)

- [Christine] Good morning.

- Hey, do you like the plants?

- You know they'll
die in three days.

- Oh no it's fine, I
sprayed them with glue

so they're kind of mummified.

By the way, where are HR based?

I really need to
get hold of my pass.

- Fourth floor, but most of
them are on school holidays.

- They're still at school?

(sighs)

(knocking on door)

- Two secs.

Hey Jerry, you all right?

- Yeah, do you know
what this stain is?

- I can't hear you
through the glass.

- [Jerry] Do you know
what this stain is?

- I can't hear you
'cause of the glass.

Yeah.

Sorry, sorry Jerry.

I couldn't hear
'cause of the glass.

- That's fine.

What is this stain?

- Um, oh gosh, well this used
to be Elaine's old office,

it could be anything really.

- What, she die in here?

- No, she's on maternity
leave, so could just be that.

- Oh God.

- You know what, let's just...

- Yeah let's do that.

- Hey, can you hook
me up with my pass?

I really need the men's room.

- Well that's HR but it
takes up to about a week

for them to respond, so.

- No, I gotta go before then.

- Oh it's fine, I
can buzz you through.

Now?
- Yeah, go go.

Nice opportunity
to show you around.

Are you staying somewhere
locally in Cheltenham?

- Yeah the Citrus Hotel.

- Oh lovely, I went to
a couple of wakes there.

The food is stunning.

Very quickly, so this is one
of our designated quiet rooms,

just because some of the
stuff we see on the web

can be quite full on.

- And can I pee in here?

- Um, no, not really, no.

- I sometimes do.

- You forget how big
this place is don't you?

Sorry, they must have
changed the door code.

This way.

- What's this thing?

- Okay not far
Jerry, here we go.

So...

- Do it again, swipe again.

Swipe it again!

- Okay okay okay.

Oh crikey, it's fine, it's fine.

Let me just type
this in onto here.

Jerry, can you just, sorry,

can you just read me
from the fourth...

- From the what?

From the fourth?

- The four.

- There's no four.

You mean the one?

- The four, oh the one.

- The one is one,
nine, two, seven.

- Okay, that should be it.
(ding)

There you go.

(buzzer)

(groans)

I'm so sorry.

Come on.

We have a something
just in case,

it doesn't always work.

- Why didn't you do
that to begin with?

- Because I've
been eating crisps

and it doesn't always work.

- Back up, back up.
(buzzer)

Give me your thumb.

What's wrong, you
have very small...

- Ow.

Okay there you go.

- Okay.

- Okay fine.

Oh for crying out loud.

Let me just do the, I'll do
the retina thing, it's fine.

- [Jerry] Come on man,
you're killing me.

- Why is that doing like that?

Hang on, hang on.

So I've got a lazy eye
so sometimes if I...

Can you lift...

(buzzer)

Thank you.

- Go, go!

- This way, go go go go.

(screams)

(clears throat)

- Yeah, USA.

- 'Cause his eyes are
quite close together

and I know he has a
cousin who was involved

with some kind of atrocity.

- [Christine] What's?

- Oh sorry Chris, I
am gonna delete that.

- I don't care.

I just want hard copies of
the Bank of England report.

- Yeah it's just the
printer's still not working,

so I can't...

- [Evelyn] Jerry's file.

- Ssh.

What's this?

- Well I couldn't get access
to view his internal file

so I just like
made a front cover.

- Here I am.

Found my way back.

- Hey Jerry.

- Hey, Chris, I worked out
what the problem is here.

The problem is morale.

- Right, thank you.

- So firstly, you really
need to put some music on.

'Cause everyone in here
currently looks so...

Do you have Alexa here?

Alexa, play NSA nasty mix two.

Alexa?

Alexa?

Secondly, we need to
fundraise and build us a gym.

- Yes!

- Get the endorphins pumping.

Thirdly, is there any
way we can make it

so I can see the sun?

- Okay, let me stop
you just there.

Firstly, I am not your PA,

I am GCHQ's director
of cybersecurity.

Grand papa built
the bouncing bomb.

Mother posed as a triple
agent during the Cold War,

while father came up with
an idea called the internet.

So forgive me if I'm not into

office plants and natural light.

Secondly, this isn't the NSA.

You are here strictly to liaise.

We don't workout, we
don't listen to playlists,

we fight cyber crime,
terrorism and sex trafficking.

Thirdly, this is my
department, these are my staff,

and whilst it's a pleasure
collaborating with

one of our oldest
and closest allies,

I will not have my
authority undermined

simply because some
privileged fool from Whitehall

thinks that the US can fight
cyber crime better than we can.

Do you mind if I get on?

- Sorry, it looks like
you've stopped talking.

My ears are still
fucked from the flight,

was that important?

(upbeat music)

Are you really gonna
take that from her?

Huh?

Huh?

You little bitch.

- Evelyn.

I'm delivering our findings
on the Bank of England.

Have the car meet me out front.

- Okay don't forget you've
got a Bank of England meeting.

Do you want me to arrange a car?

- Come on buddy, you got this.

(knocking on door)

Yeah?

- Jerry, I'm so sorry about
what Chris said earlier,

you must be feeling awful.

- Do you know how long
I've been at the NSA?

- I'd say 50 years?

- 25 years.

Sit down.

- Oh, sure.

Do you know the level
of experience you get

from working at
the NSA 25 years?

- Nope.

- I basically know everything.

Okay?

I've overseen terrorist
plots, cyber attacks,

assassination attempts.

- Against you?

- Just remain quiet a sec.

- Yeah.

- I predicted 9/11,
Afghanistan, 7/7.

- And when you say predicted.

- You mean could I have stopped
those things from happening?

- [Jerry] Yeah.

- I think so.

- Wow.

- But was anyone
willing to listen?

No.

It's always the
same old bullshit.

Slow down Jerry, analyze.

There's no evidence.

- [Jerry] Yes.

- Whatever happened to good
old fashioned American hunch?

- See this is exactly
what we're missing here.

So did you have a
hunch about 9/11?

- Yeah, just this
huge fucking hunch.

And then another big
hunch moments later.

- Oh, so you've seen
a lot of action then.

- Have I seen action?

You know what, look at this.

Oh you're gonna love this.

Come here, come here.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Look at that.

- Oh my God.

- Touch it.

- Oh no I don't--

- Touch it!

Touch it.

44 caliber, went clean through.

- Wow.

It looks exactly like the
lipoma scar that I got

from when I had a
little thing removed.

Like the same shape
and everything that.

- Well it's not.

- That's the same shape
actually 'cause they do it...

- No it's no, it's not.

It's a bullet thing.

- Is there an exit wound?

- No.

- Can I--

- No.

That part healed fine.

You can't even tell.

- So what are you
doing here then?

Is it like a
sabbatical position?

- Yeah kind of.

Man, you guys.

You have no idea how
lucky you are to have me.

- Oh, tell me about it.

I mean literally this
is the best thing

that ever happened to me.

- I mean I could've ended up
in Paris, Milan, New York,

but I chose London.

- Cheltenham.

- Cheltenham.

But there's no point
in me being here

unless I can make a difference.

- I agree with that.

- I mean sure, I could liaise
the ass out of this place

if I want to, but I
wanna raise morale.

I wanna raise morale so
high people can barely move.

You know what I mean?

- I think, yes.

- I want people having
to go home from work

because morale is so high.

- Well everyone's
gonna love that.

- But I'm gonna need
your help, buddy.

- Honestly, whatever you
need Jerry, just name it.

Treat me like your PA.

- I thought you were my PA.

All right now gather up guys.

Come on come on come on.

Circle up, circle up.

You know what, you too.

You're part of the
team, drop that shit.

In fact everyone,
everyone, stand,

come gather round,
this is important.

That's it.

Hustle, hustle.

Back up.

- Sorry.

- Good.

Oh, look at that,
we did a circle.

Terrific.

Okay.

One of the first
things that struck me

when I arrived here was just
how uninspired everyone looks.

Don't get me wrong, individually
you all look amazing.

But there's still this
sense that I've wandered

onto an abandoned farm.

Does that resonate?

So what I'd like to
propose as a starting point

are some team
building exercises.

- I'd love to.
- Yeah.

- Yeah?

Yeah?

- Yes.

- Can I get a yes Jerry?

- [All] Yes Jerry.

- All right, we'll work on that.

Hands out of the pockets.

Let's get ready.

Ready?

- [All] Yes.

- Jerry says raise
your right arm.

Put it down.

You're all out.

You're all out.
(people groaning)

Okay, everyone take one
step to their right.

Good.

Jerry says take one
step to your left.

Yeah I fucked you
there didn't I?

- [Mary] Yes.

- Yeah it's called listening.

When I clap my hands
everyone fall, fall!

That's a start.

Okay everyone up, everyone up.

Anyone hurt?

That's okay.

It's about trust.

At the count of three I
want everyone to undress.

Undress!

I'm kidding, stop that.

Have more respect for yourself.

So continue what you're doing,

exploring each other's
faces and bodies,

and what I wanna do
now is just go around

and talk about when
you last had sex.

It's just a nice way to
get to know each other

and to open up.

Plus, it's what we do
at the NSA every day.

- Have sex?

- Sometimes.

What about you buddy?

- Oh gosh, well it depends
what you mean really.

- You've never heard of sex?

- Oh no I've heard of sex, sure,

I just, you know.

Sorry, where are you?

- [Jerry] Mary, do
you want to start?

- Oh gosh, ooh.

It's been a while, sorry.

- No I could tell, I can
smell your pheromones.

- Thank you.

- I bet you're filthy though.

- No.

- I love how you
deny it, that's hot.

Tuva.

- 10:15 this morning.

- Weren't you in at eight?

- Yeah.

- [Christine] What
the hell's going on?

- Chris, great, jump in.

We're just doing some
team building here.

- No, get back to
work everybody.

This is ridiculous.

- No honestly, Chrissy,
I wouldn't be doing this

unless I thought it was
absolutely essential.

Plus, look how much
fun everyone's having.

- We're not here to have fun.

This is GCHQ.

Do you think Alan
Turing had fun?

Okay, back to work everybody.

- No, not yet.

Listen, I get it, you
didn't choose to have some

dashing American fuck fox in
your prissy British hen house.

I didn't want that either, but
I'm sure we can make it work.

Come on, at least
have a jellybean.

- Absolutely not.

- Aren't we meant
to be collaborating?

Huh team?

- [All] Yes Jerry!

- Do you really want your
staff to see you like this?

- [All] Jelly bean,
jelly bean, jelly bean,

jelly bean, jelly
bean, jelly bean,

jelly bean, jelly bean,
jelly bean, jelly bean,

jelly bean, jelly bean,
jelly bean, jelly bean,

jelly bean--

- All right!

- Yes!

(clapping)

And Jerry says fall.

- [Joseph] Jerry's got
the printer working again!

(cheering and clapping)

- See, this is why
they sent me here.

- Good night.

- Night.

* Hurray hurray hurray

* Misery's on the way

* There are bad times
just around the corner *

* There are dark clouds
hurtling through the sky *

* It's as clear as crystal

* From Bridlington to Bristol

* That we can't save democracy
and we don't much care *

* We better all learn the
lyrics of the old Red Flag *

* But wait til we
drop down dead *