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1
00:00:03,063 --> 00:00:06,078
Excuse me. I'm looking for Dr. Ken Park.
2
00:00:06,102 --> 00:00:07,368
About yea high.
3
00:00:07,403 --> 00:00:10,805
Looks like an Asian lesbian,
acts like an Asian gay man.
4
00:00:11,365 --> 00:00:12,963
Clark, can you call Tanya at Nail Depot
5
00:00:12,988 --> 00:00:14,850
and tell her next time there's
a bubble in my top coat,
6
00:00:14,875 --> 00:00:16,082
I'm taking my business elsewhere.
7
00:00:16,107 --> 00:00:16,978
Absolutely.
8
00:00:17,014 --> 00:00:18,380
- Buddy!
- Doug!
9
00:00:18,415 --> 00:00:20,515
Oh, my... oh, look at you, Mr. Clean.
10
00:00:20,551 --> 00:00:22,617
You here for a shine?
11
00:00:22,653 --> 00:00:25,754
Look at you. Still working at
Doctors Without Decorators, huh?
12
00:00:27,780 --> 00:00:29,157
This is my old buddy Doug.
13
00:00:29,192 --> 00:00:32,260
He's a stand-up comic, which
means he's bitter and poor.
14
00:00:32,296 --> 00:00:33,862
Better than being short and ugly.
15
00:00:33,897 --> 00:00:35,163
Is it, Doug?
16
00:00:35,545 --> 00:00:36,147
You know what?
17
00:00:36,172 --> 00:00:38,043
I'm in town for a couple
days at the Laugh Factory.
18
00:00:38,068 --> 00:00:40,368
Oh, is that no longer a comedy club?
19
00:00:41,872 --> 00:00:42,938
So, let me guess.
20
00:00:43,036 --> 00:00:44,948
You still don't have health insurance,
21
00:00:44,973 --> 00:00:46,741
so you dropped by for a free checkup?
22
00:00:46,873 --> 00:00:47,882
I was hoping you could fit me in
23
00:00:47,907 --> 00:00:50,508
in between putting toe tags
on the rest of your patients.
24
00:00:51,081 --> 00:00:52,414
Did he hear about last week?
25
00:00:53,727 --> 00:00:55,665
Okay, all right, just shut up, Julie.
26
00:00:56,821 --> 00:00:58,353
Hey, why don't you talk
that woman you duped
27
00:00:58,388 --> 00:01:00,251
into marrying you to
come to my show tonight?
28
00:01:00,276 --> 00:01:02,503
Ooh, yeah, we'd love
to hear your fresh take
29
00:01:02,528 --> 00:01:04,893
on Internet dating and
how everyone's eating kale.
30
00:01:07,110 --> 00:01:09,410
I'll leave you some comp
tickets at the box office.
31
00:01:09,445 --> 00:01:10,544
Comp tickets?
32
00:01:10,580 --> 00:01:11,946
I'm intrigued.
33
00:01:12,041 --> 00:01:12,955
Who are you, friend?
34
00:01:12,980 --> 00:01:14,744
Pat, this is my buddy Doug from college.
35
00:01:14,769 --> 00:01:15,693
He does stand-up.
36
00:01:15,718 --> 00:01:17,718
Ah. Well, put me down
for one comp ticket.
37
00:01:17,854 --> 00:01:18,912
You a big comedy guy?
38
00:01:18,937 --> 00:01:21,956
No, I'm more of a "live sex show" guy.
39
00:01:21,991 --> 00:01:23,524
But those are hardly ever free.
40
00:01:25,203 --> 00:01:27,603
Synced and corrected by Octavia
- www.addic7ed.com -
41
00:01:33,368 --> 00:01:35,870
You guys, why are we sitting here?
42
00:01:36,024 --> 00:01:37,738
Surgeons took our table.
43
00:01:37,777 --> 00:01:39,840
Yeah, they think they're
so much better than us.
44
00:01:39,876 --> 00:01:42,543
Why? Just 'cause they
have tons more education
45
00:01:42,685 --> 00:01:46,166
and way more money and
are more attractive?
46
00:01:46,191 --> 00:01:47,357
You know what, guys?
47
00:01:47,538 --> 00:01:49,617
They're better than us.
48
00:01:49,881 --> 00:01:51,501
They don't have more money than me.
49
00:01:51,526 --> 00:01:54,694
I inherited a fortune after that
satellite fell on my grandma.
50
00:01:56,526 --> 00:01:58,459
What? I never told y'all that story?
51
00:01:58,494 --> 00:02:01,362
Craziest thing I ever seen.
52
00:02:01,397 --> 00:02:02,563
Whoa.
53
00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:05,099
This is ridiculous.
54
00:02:05,217 --> 00:02:06,500
We don't have to take this.
55
00:02:06,536 --> 00:02:07,483
You know what?
56
00:02:07,508 --> 00:02:08,903
Julie is right.
57
00:02:08,938 --> 00:02:11,394
We are gonna march
over there confidently,
58
00:02:11,419 --> 00:02:14,653
and Damona is going to say something.
59
00:02:15,362 --> 00:02:16,993
Right there, concierge
is standing there.
60
00:02:17,018 --> 00:02:18,379
I didn't notice at first. I
was there myself to check...
61
00:02:18,414 --> 00:02:19,680
Excuse me, hi.
62
00:02:19,716 --> 00:02:22,583
I know you don't know this,
but we usually sit here.
63
00:02:22,618 --> 00:02:24,385
- And who are you?
- Family Medicine.
64
00:02:24,420 --> 00:02:25,732
That's my low-sodium soy sauce.
65
00:02:25,757 --> 00:02:26,663
I just leave that there.
66
00:02:26,688 --> 00:02:28,721
That is how much our table this is.
67
00:02:29,174 --> 00:02:30,291
Really enjoyed the chat.
68
00:02:30,390 --> 00:02:31,659
Now leave us alone.
69
00:02:31,694 --> 00:02:34,092
And that's how I met Stephen Dorff.
70
00:02:34,117 --> 00:02:36,716
Uh, excuse me, but I
don't think you heard me.
71
00:02:36,741 --> 00:02:39,224
I said this is our table.
72
00:02:39,249 --> 00:02:40,434
Oh, I heard you.
73
00:02:40,536 --> 00:02:42,737
So, what color Tesla do
you think I should get?
74
00:02:42,805 --> 00:02:46,140
Okay, well, can I at least get
my low-sodium soy sauce back?
75
00:02:46,211 --> 00:02:47,070
- This soy sauce?
- Yeah.
76
00:02:47,332 --> 00:02:48,209
- Right here?
- Right there.
77
00:02:48,244 --> 00:02:49,586
- Sure.
- Thank you.
78
00:02:51,614 --> 00:02:53,092
Your pastry!
79
00:02:53,117 --> 00:02:56,550
No, he did not do that to your pastry!
80
00:02:59,021 --> 00:03:01,523
No. No.
81
00:03:10,233 --> 00:03:11,899
Oh, D.K.
82
00:03:12,014 --> 00:03:13,248
Unannounced.
83
00:03:13,569 --> 00:03:15,236
Not unannounced.
84
00:03:15,271 --> 00:03:16,804
I rang doorbell.
85
00:03:16,839 --> 00:03:18,339
Melon ripe. In season.
86
00:03:18,374 --> 00:03:20,574
Oh, good, another box of unwanted fruit.
87
00:03:20,670 --> 00:03:22,543
And is it super heavy?
88
00:03:22,578 --> 00:03:24,779
Perfect.
89
00:03:24,814 --> 00:03:26,013
Hey, Dad.
90
00:03:26,073 --> 00:03:27,907
Oh, we don't need those.
91
00:03:27,942 --> 00:03:29,341
Oh, you say that now,
92
00:03:29,416 --> 00:03:32,511
but when melon hunger
hits, best to have melon.
93
00:03:32,547 --> 00:03:33,990
So wise, Papa.
94
00:03:34,897 --> 00:03:37,169
Well, we got to get
to the Laugh Factory.
95
00:03:37,194 --> 00:03:39,218
Doug usually only
gets like five minutes.
96
00:03:39,243 --> 00:03:40,084
That's right.
97
00:03:40,109 --> 00:03:42,721
We missed him last time because
someone refused to valet park.
98
00:03:42,757 --> 00:03:45,316
Oh, sure, $20 cover and valet?
99
00:03:45,341 --> 00:03:47,193
Hey, why don't we buy a
tiger while we're at it?
100
00:03:47,228 --> 00:03:48,967
We'll live like rappers.
101
00:03:49,867 --> 00:03:53,442
Mom, Dad, there's this new
video game that everyone has.
102
00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:55,808
If you really want me to
fit in like you claim to,
103
00:03:55,833 --> 00:03:57,903
I need it immediately.
104
00:03:57,972 --> 00:04:00,439
Dave, you don't need
another violent video game.
105
00:04:00,513 --> 00:04:02,518
But "Blood Lust" is educational.
106
00:04:02,700 --> 00:04:04,276
It's like an anatomy lesson.
107
00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:06,912
When you win a sword fight,
your victim is cut wide open.
108
00:04:06,948 --> 00:04:09,782
You can see everything.
109
00:04:10,115 --> 00:04:11,250
You want to take this one?
110
00:04:11,404 --> 00:04:12,685
Fine.
111
00:04:12,761 --> 00:04:14,273
You'll have it by tomorrow.
112
00:04:14,298 --> 00:04:15,531
- No.
- No!
113
00:04:15,689 --> 00:04:17,240
What's wrong with you, Dave?
114
00:04:17,265 --> 00:04:18,330
Geez.
115
00:04:23,812 --> 00:04:25,245
You don't need video game.
116
00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:26,513
You need exercise.
117
00:04:26,687 --> 00:04:29,413
Kids today just sit on their
butts staring at screens.
118
00:04:29,438 --> 00:04:30,313
You're soft.
119
00:04:30,532 --> 00:04:31,851
He's not wrong.
120
00:04:33,665 --> 00:04:34,988
I'll make a deal.
121
00:04:35,196 --> 00:04:37,510
I'll buy you that
inappropriate video game
122
00:04:37,971 --> 00:04:40,213
if you can do more push-ups
than me by next week.
123
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:41,961
Can you do more than zero?
124
00:04:41,997 --> 00:04:43,463
That's his personal best.
125
00:04:43,488 --> 00:04:45,865
Yeah, and that's when I was working out.
126
00:04:50,587 --> 00:04:52,976
See, Allison? No valet. Not so bad.
127
00:04:53,001 --> 00:04:55,542
Yeah. I really enjoyed the
eight-block walk uphill.
128
00:04:57,093 --> 00:04:58,834
Well, thanks for
dropping me off in front.
129
00:04:59,646 --> 00:05:02,323
Hey, Parks. Thanks for saving me a seat.
130
00:05:02,348 --> 00:05:03,750
We didn't.
131
00:05:03,785 --> 00:05:05,026
So...
132
00:05:05,730 --> 00:05:07,587
I did a little light
Googling on your friend,
133
00:05:07,622 --> 00:05:09,689
and, uh, apparently he is blowing up.
134
00:05:09,724 --> 00:05:12,025
Yeah, just recorded a
one-hour comedy special
135
00:05:12,263 --> 00:05:16,596
and posted a scathing review
of a carpet store on Yelp.
136
00:05:16,802 --> 00:05:17,933
That's light Googling?
137
00:05:17,958 --> 00:05:19,098
Well, for me, yeah.
138
00:05:19,211 --> 00:05:21,968
When I go deep, I can
tell you a guy's shoe size,
139
00:05:21,993 --> 00:05:23,964
little miss 7 1/2.
140
00:05:25,339 --> 00:05:27,440
Switch seats with me.
141
00:05:31,108 --> 00:05:32,161
Okay, ladies and gentlemen.
142
00:05:32,186 --> 00:05:33,856
The Laugh Factory's proud to present
143
00:05:33,881 --> 00:05:36,349
one of Variety's top 10 comics to watch.
144
00:05:36,384 --> 00:05:37,995
You'll see him on
"Jimmy Kimmel" next week.
145
00:05:38,020 --> 00:05:39,344
He's here for you right now.
146
00:05:39,369 --> 00:05:42,121
How about a big hand
for Mr. Doug Miller!
147
00:05:45,794 --> 00:05:47,493
Hey, everybody!
148
00:05:47,529 --> 00:05:48,795
Thanks for coming out.
149
00:05:48,830 --> 00:05:49,836
What's up, cutie?
150
00:05:49,861 --> 00:05:51,397
Thanks for sitting in the front row.
151
00:05:51,681 --> 00:05:53,566
You brought your Uber driver, great.
152
00:05:55,358 --> 00:05:56,590
This girl asked me out the other day.
153
00:05:56,615 --> 00:05:59,372
She told me she was an
actress in porno movies.
154
00:05:59,788 --> 00:06:00,313
So, I was like,
155
00:06:00,338 --> 00:06:02,075
"All right, well, when
do you want to go out?"
156
00:06:02,159 --> 00:06:04,744
She goes, "Well, I'm working
Tuesday and Wednesday.
157
00:06:04,854 --> 00:06:06,646
How about Thursday?"
158
00:06:06,752 --> 00:06:09,616
"Uh... how about Monday?"
159
00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:13,653
Yeah, he's been doing that joke forever.
160
00:06:14,174 --> 00:06:16,297
I'm sorry. Am I interrupting
your conversation?
161
00:06:16,322 --> 00:06:17,523
Oh, no, no, sorry.
162
00:06:17,559 --> 00:06:19,114
No, no, he was just telling me
163
00:06:19,139 --> 00:06:20,627
you've been doing that joke forever.
164
00:06:20,662 --> 00:06:21,628
Oh.
165
00:06:21,797 --> 00:06:22,929
I liked it, though.
166
00:06:23,145 --> 00:06:25,136
And Monday was the right call.
167
00:06:26,472 --> 00:06:29,479
Folks, this is actually
my buddy Ken from Duke.
168
00:06:29,702 --> 00:06:31,070
You should've seen this guy in college.
169
00:06:31,095 --> 00:06:33,473
He really cleaned up
with the sorority girls.
170
00:06:33,591 --> 00:06:36,876
Yeah, his work-study job,
he was janitor for Tri Delt.
171
00:06:39,552 --> 00:06:42,545
I'm laughing. I'm thinking.
I'm having a great time.
172
00:06:43,389 --> 00:06:46,208
You know what? Every
year, Ken made Dean's list.
173
00:06:46,233 --> 00:06:47,055
- Oh.
- That's true.
174
00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:50,144
Yeah. Dean was our buddy who
made a list of all the virgins.
175
00:06:55,481 --> 00:06:57,946
In fact, Ken's major was virginity
176
00:06:57,971 --> 00:07:00,199
with a minor in never losing it.
177
00:07:01,603 --> 00:07:03,665
No, it was biochemistry.
178
00:07:04,173 --> 00:07:05,640
I don't get that.
179
00:07:06,296 --> 00:07:07,774
Ken, it's great to see you.
180
00:07:07,809 --> 00:07:09,809
You have a beautiful family, too.
181
00:07:09,844 --> 00:07:13,796
Lovely children and a wife
who insists they're your kids.
182
00:07:13,821 --> 00:07:14,623
I don't know.
183
00:07:17,585 --> 00:07:19,619
Hey, both of our kids are a product
184
00:07:19,654 --> 00:07:23,389
of the amazing sex I had
with this lady right here.
185
00:07:24,968 --> 00:07:27,069
Switch seats with me.
186
00:07:33,127 --> 00:07:35,612
I had no idea he was doing so well.
187
00:07:35,793 --> 00:07:37,937
Did you know back at
Duke, I was the funny one?
188
00:07:38,137 --> 00:07:39,505
Yeah, it's come up.
189
00:07:42,350 --> 00:07:44,844
I'm sorry, but if he can do it...
190
00:07:45,295 --> 00:07:46,645
Why didn't you ever try it?
191
00:07:46,670 --> 00:07:47,825
I almost did.
192
00:07:47,850 --> 00:07:50,817
There's this bar at Duke where
Doug was doing open mikes.
193
00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:52,924
I signed up, but when
I told my dad about it,
194
00:07:52,949 --> 00:07:55,321
he was like "Oh, you no Steven Wright.
195
00:07:55,357 --> 00:07:57,569
You Steven Wrong.
196
00:07:57,617 --> 00:07:59,135
Oh, there's joke for you, joke boy.
197
00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:00,953
Now back to library."
198
00:08:01,726 --> 00:08:05,131
Well, there's no reason you
can't give it a shot now.
199
00:08:05,337 --> 00:08:06,099
Think so?
200
00:08:06,277 --> 00:08:07,934
Go try an open mike.
201
00:08:07,969 --> 00:08:09,032
Wouldn't that be better
202
00:08:09,057 --> 00:08:10,984
than wondering what if
the rest of your life?
203
00:08:11,009 --> 00:08:12,071
I don't think so, Al.
204
00:08:12,096 --> 00:08:14,941
I've gotten pretty cozy with what if.
205
00:08:15,148 --> 00:08:17,575
But I've always had this
idea that I could get up there
206
00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:22,048
and do it, but... if I
can't, then the dream is gone.
207
00:08:22,420 --> 00:08:24,517
Or what if you can?
208
00:08:28,015 --> 00:08:31,057
That'd be pretty cool, Allison.
209
00:08:32,407 --> 00:08:34,939
You know what? I think I'm gonna do it.
210
00:08:34,964 --> 00:08:36,763
Yeah, you are!
211
00:08:36,878 --> 00:08:38,631
Oh, so exciting.
212
00:08:39,088 --> 00:08:40,701
Wait, you sure you don't
want to call your daddy first
213
00:08:40,726 --> 00:08:42,035
and ask permission?
214
00:08:42,070 --> 00:08:43,569
- It's ringing.
- I was kidding.
215
00:08:43,605 --> 00:08:45,238
Oh, oh, so was I.
216
00:08:58,416 --> 00:09:02,318
Molly, do you happen to know
where I can find any steroids?
217
00:09:02,495 --> 00:09:03,425
What?
218
00:09:03,450 --> 00:09:07,792
Zero push-ups is hard
enough, but one is impossible.
219
00:09:07,817 --> 00:09:12,161
"Well, you'll get there," she
said, not meaning it at all.
220
00:09:12,197 --> 00:09:13,540
Wait, can you train me?
221
00:09:13,565 --> 00:09:15,374
Dave, push-ups are like riding a bike.
222
00:09:15,399 --> 00:09:18,503
You'll never be able
to do either of them.
223
00:09:18,528 --> 00:09:20,837
Oh, yeah? If you don't help
me, I'll tell Mom and Dad
224
00:09:20,872 --> 00:09:23,739
about the fake I.D. I saw in your purse.
225
00:09:23,859 --> 00:09:24,679
You're bluffing.
226
00:09:24,704 --> 00:09:27,363
Am I, Madonna Bronkowitz?
227
00:09:28,082 --> 00:09:29,445
It's Burkowitz, okay?
228
00:09:29,538 --> 00:09:31,214
If I'm gonna help
you, get my name right.
229
00:09:33,478 --> 00:09:34,610
Hey, guys.
230
00:09:34,635 --> 00:09:36,757
Guess what your dad's
gonna do Tuesday night.
231
00:09:36,782 --> 00:09:39,489
Finally spend some quality time with us?
232
00:09:39,648 --> 00:09:41,195
Nope. Mol, any guesses?
233
00:09:41,220 --> 00:09:43,942
Something purely for you
that inflates your ego?
234
00:09:43,967 --> 00:09:45,872
Oh, so close!
235
00:09:47,405 --> 00:09:48,731
I'll just say it.
236
00:09:48,898 --> 00:09:51,467
I'm gonna try stand-up.
237
00:09:53,571 --> 00:09:55,184
That's right!
238
00:09:55,209 --> 00:09:57,640
Your dad's gonna prove he's
not just funny around the house.
239
00:09:57,717 --> 00:10:00,443
Like when he slammed the
cabinet door on his thumb.
240
00:10:00,478 --> 00:10:02,178
Yeah.
241
00:10:02,213 --> 00:10:03,277
Okay, you know what?
242
00:10:03,302 --> 00:10:05,581
Just for that, neither of you are going.
243
00:10:05,617 --> 00:10:07,416
Well, they can't go
anyway. They're not 21.
244
00:10:07,485 --> 00:10:08,861
Yeah, and it's not like either of us
245
00:10:08,886 --> 00:10:11,355
has a fake I.D. in our purse.
246
00:10:12,183 --> 00:10:14,157
Oh, Dave, you're so funny.
247
00:10:14,297 --> 00:10:15,124
Let's get out of here.
248
00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:17,132
Stop right there, young lady.
249
00:10:17,157 --> 00:10:19,992
And just why do you
think Dave's so funny?
250
00:10:20,298 --> 00:10:21,425
Because he got it from you?
251
00:10:21,450 --> 00:10:24,100
Exactly. Now go have fun.
252
00:10:24,135 --> 00:10:25,178
Oh, and don't forget your purse.
253
00:10:25,203 --> 00:10:27,670
Oh.
254
00:10:34,812 --> 00:10:37,023
Guys, guess what I'm
doing Tuesday night.
255
00:10:37,048 --> 00:10:38,737
Oh, finally taking me
to dinner for my birthday
256
00:10:38,762 --> 00:10:39,689
like you've been promising?
257
00:10:39,714 --> 00:10:41,180
Nope. Anyone else?
258
00:10:41,362 --> 00:10:42,533
Something completely about yourself
259
00:10:42,558 --> 00:10:43,618
that you're gonna drag us into?
260
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,943
Oh, you're so close!
261
00:10:46,326 --> 00:10:48,318
All right, I'll just tell you. Um...
262
00:10:48,343 --> 00:10:51,265
I'm finally doing an open
mike at the Laugh Factory.
263
00:10:51,290 --> 00:10:53,573
That's so exciting!
264
00:10:53,598 --> 00:10:57,733
You've been telling us
forever how funny you are.
265
00:10:57,885 --> 00:11:00,260
You're doing an open
mike? Well, I don't know.
266
00:11:00,285 --> 00:11:01,771
Based on what I witnessed
from you the other night,
267
00:11:01,796 --> 00:11:03,906
they might want to
call it an open grave.
268
00:11:03,942 --> 00:11:04,788
Thanks, Pat.
269
00:11:04,813 --> 00:11:06,934
You know, 'cause you're
gonna die up there.
270
00:11:06,959 --> 00:11:10,227
- Got it.
- Because you are not funny.
271
00:11:11,950 --> 00:11:13,749
Oh, he's funny.
272
00:11:13,785 --> 00:11:15,180
Come on, little man. Give us a taste.
273
00:11:15,205 --> 00:11:16,537
Okay. Okay.
274
00:11:16,788 --> 00:11:18,705
I just came up with this one. Okay.
275
00:11:18,730 --> 00:11:19,821
Uh...
276
00:11:19,894 --> 00:11:22,179
Oh, you see a lot of Asian doctors,
277
00:11:22,204 --> 00:11:24,794
but I've never seen
an Asian veterinarian.
278
00:11:24,829 --> 00:11:26,609
Not gonna happen.
279
00:11:26,634 --> 00:11:27,804
"Oh, I'm so sorry.
280
00:11:27,829 --> 00:11:30,496
Your doggie not make it."
281
00:11:33,492 --> 00:11:35,622
Are you implying that he ate the dog?
282
00:11:35,647 --> 00:11:37,085
Oh, no, no, no. I'm not implying.
283
00:11:37,110 --> 00:11:39,252
I'm saying he ate the dog.
284
00:11:39,277 --> 00:11:42,558
Okay, that is wildly offensive.
285
00:11:42,583 --> 00:11:43,759
Write this down.
286
00:11:44,380 --> 00:11:47,316
Not funny at all.
287
00:11:47,432 --> 00:11:48,265
Horrifying.
288
00:11:48,290 --> 00:11:49,636
Aggressively racist.
289
00:11:49,661 --> 00:11:52,421
Laugh Factory? More like
Setting Your People Back Factory.
290
00:11:54,025 --> 00:11:55,858
See, Ken, it's not so hard.
291
00:11:57,795 --> 00:12:00,796
Okay, you guys, this is
really constructive feedback.
292
00:12:00,832 --> 00:12:02,625
I've got it now, and
I'm gonna run with it.
293
00:12:02,650 --> 00:12:04,000
So thank you. All right. Good.
294
00:12:04,094 --> 00:12:05,373
Actually, if it was a cat instead...
295
00:12:05,398 --> 00:12:06,918
- No!
- Oh, my God! No!
296
00:12:06,943 --> 00:12:09,005
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Back to work, then.
297
00:12:12,510 --> 00:12:13,442
People.
298
00:12:13,588 --> 00:12:14,448
Hear ye.
299
00:12:14,473 --> 00:12:16,724
The cafeteria wars will soon be over,
300
00:12:16,749 --> 00:12:17,872
and those surgeons will be
301
00:12:17,897 --> 00:12:20,475
waving the white flag of surrender.
302
00:12:20,872 --> 00:12:23,719
What in the hell are you talking about?
303
00:12:23,825 --> 00:12:27,089
Sorry, I've been kind of
bingeing on "Game of Thrones."
304
00:12:27,164 --> 00:12:30,894
Anyhoo, I took the bolts off the table.
305
00:12:30,919 --> 00:12:32,572
And as soon as those smug bastards
306
00:12:32,597 --> 00:12:35,292
put any weight on it, that
thing is gonna come crashing down
307
00:12:35,317 --> 00:12:38,855
like a satellite on Damona's grandma.
308
00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:39,969
Well, Clark, you know,
309
00:12:40,004 --> 00:12:41,990
we're not up here
because of the surgeons.
310
00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:43,747
Pediatrics is using the cafeteria.
311
00:12:43,772 --> 00:12:46,542
They're throwing the kids a party.
312
00:12:46,577 --> 00:12:48,268
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...
313
00:12:48,293 --> 00:12:52,261
n-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!
314
00:12:57,388 --> 00:13:01,590
I thought the balloons
would break my fall.
315
00:13:04,439 --> 00:13:07,063
One, two, three.
316
00:13:07,098 --> 00:13:08,225
You've got this, Dave.
317
00:13:08,250 --> 00:13:09,999
Four, five.
318
00:13:10,034 --> 00:13:11,995
You're gonna get that video game!
319
00:13:12,020 --> 00:13:15,786
Six and... seven push-ups!
320
00:13:15,811 --> 00:13:17,278
Great job, Dave!
321
00:13:19,657 --> 00:13:21,644
So, that's what it's
gonna sound like on my end.
322
00:13:24,082 --> 00:13:25,888
Kids, Dad says he has something
323
00:13:25,917 --> 00:13:27,917
important to talk to us about.
324
00:13:27,952 --> 00:13:29,383
Thanks, Al. Now, listen up, guys.
325
00:13:29,408 --> 00:13:31,220
This affects all of us.
326
00:13:31,669 --> 00:13:33,290
I was working on some material
that I realize might be
327
00:13:33,315 --> 00:13:36,105
offensive to Asians, animals, and Julie,
328
00:13:36,130 --> 00:13:37,300
who had to take a half day,
329
00:13:37,325 --> 00:13:39,903
so I broke out some of the stuff I use
330
00:13:39,928 --> 00:13:41,708
when I host the HMO banquet.
331
00:13:43,234 --> 00:13:45,968
You know what some lazy
nurses do on their day off?
332
00:13:46,137 --> 00:13:47,840
Same thing they do on their day on.
333
00:13:52,643 --> 00:13:54,243
You know, 'cause they're lazy.
334
00:13:58,037 --> 00:14:02,451
Now that I understand it, I love it!
335
00:14:02,729 --> 00:14:04,720
Nurses.
336
00:14:07,825 --> 00:14:10,397
Pap smear. Uh...
337
00:14:10,422 --> 00:14:12,261
Pap smear.
338
00:14:12,296 --> 00:14:14,697
Pap smear campaign.
339
00:14:14,732 --> 00:14:17,032
No, no, no, no. Too political.
340
00:14:17,068 --> 00:14:18,522
Ken, come to bed.
341
00:14:18,547 --> 00:14:19,859
I appreciate the offer, Al,
342
00:14:19,884 --> 00:14:21,162
but I'm not feeling it right now.
343
00:14:21,187 --> 00:14:23,285
Hit you back double this weekend.
344
00:14:24,403 --> 00:14:25,856
I meant come to sleep.
345
00:14:25,881 --> 00:14:27,047
It's 2:00 in the morning.
346
00:14:27,072 --> 00:14:28,905
I can't. The open mike's tomorrow,
347
00:14:28,930 --> 00:14:30,096
and I've got nothing.
348
00:14:30,121 --> 00:14:31,788
Okay, let me help you.
349
00:14:31,916 --> 00:14:33,115
Um...
350
00:14:33,234 --> 00:14:34,250
Oh, here's something.
351
00:14:34,578 --> 00:14:36,500
You know how there's a
back-up camera on our car?
352
00:14:36,641 --> 00:14:37,336
Yeah?
353
00:14:37,361 --> 00:14:39,336
Why don't you do something with that?
354
00:14:42,930 --> 00:14:45,361
Thanks, Al. That's great.
355
00:14:45,396 --> 00:14:46,829
Yeah. Oh, hello?
356
00:14:46,864 --> 00:14:47,930
Comedy Hall of Fame?
357
00:14:47,955 --> 00:14:49,932
Yeah, it's Ken Park. Clear some space.
358
00:14:49,967 --> 00:14:53,436
I got this monster back-up camera bit.
359
00:14:53,603 --> 00:14:55,736
Okay, you don't have
to be nasty about it.
360
00:14:55,966 --> 00:14:58,696
I'm sorry. I'm just freaking out.
361
00:14:58,721 --> 00:15:00,921
I'm gonna suck.
362
00:15:03,714 --> 00:15:05,114
I'm not gonna do this.
363
00:15:05,149 --> 00:15:06,415
No.
364
00:15:06,451 --> 00:15:08,551
I know you, Ken, and
if you back out now,
365
00:15:08,576 --> 00:15:10,909
it'll eat at you for
the rest of your life.
366
00:15:11,022 --> 00:15:14,082
And you know what? You can do this.
367
00:15:14,371 --> 00:15:15,652
And you're gonna be great.
368
00:15:15,697 --> 00:15:17,897
Just don't over-think it.
369
00:15:18,027 --> 00:15:19,628
Be yourself.
370
00:15:19,664 --> 00:15:21,964
You're the funniest person I know.
371
00:15:21,999 --> 00:15:23,199
That's why I married you.
372
00:15:25,603 --> 00:15:26,531
Thanks, honey.
373
00:15:30,203 --> 00:15:32,174
Back-up cameras. Just saying.
374
00:15:37,148 --> 00:15:38,839
All right, Dave, you can do this.
375
00:15:38,864 --> 00:15:40,659
Just remember what we talked about.
376
00:15:40,684 --> 00:15:43,519
Tighten your core, breathe,
and try not to poop again.
377
00:15:43,555 --> 00:15:44,820
No promises, Mol.
378
00:15:50,515 --> 00:15:51,894
One!
379
00:15:51,930 --> 00:15:53,829
Dave, that's a new personal best!
380
00:15:56,460 --> 00:15:57,867
Two!
381
00:15:57,956 --> 00:16:00,269
You're playing with house money now.
382
00:16:05,243 --> 00:16:07,176
Okay, two. Not bad.
383
00:16:07,281 --> 00:16:09,845
Okay, my turn.
384
00:16:11,015 --> 00:16:14,691
One, two, three.
385
00:16:14,782 --> 00:16:15,685
Three to two.
386
00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:16,919
You lose.
387
00:16:17,001 --> 00:16:18,649
Darn. Now I just have to make do
388
00:16:18,674 --> 00:16:21,357
with the many violent
video games I already own.
389
00:16:21,392 --> 00:16:23,793
I am so over "Zombie Pimp."
390
00:16:24,605 --> 00:16:27,663
Okay, double or nothing.
391
00:16:27,772 --> 00:16:30,059
I'll give you two video
games if you can beat me
392
00:16:30,084 --> 00:16:31,634
in the 100-yard dash next week.
393
00:16:31,669 --> 00:16:35,004
Seriously? Two video
games for 100 yards?
394
00:16:35,039 --> 00:16:36,639
You're on, sucker!
395
00:16:36,674 --> 00:16:38,674
I'm gonna go ice my pecs.
396
00:16:41,366 --> 00:16:43,145
Way to trick him, Grandpa.
397
00:16:43,288 --> 00:16:44,580
Not tricking.
398
00:16:44,687 --> 00:16:46,248
Motivating.
399
00:16:46,968 --> 00:16:48,417
Respect.
400
00:16:48,453 --> 00:16:50,620
Now I got to figure out
how to train him to run.
401
00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:54,846
Ice cream truck!
402
00:17:04,703 --> 00:17:06,202
I'm so worried for Ken.
403
00:17:06,237 --> 00:17:07,303
He'll be fine.
404
00:17:07,338 --> 00:17:09,939
Ken got sense of humor from me.
405
00:17:10,443 --> 00:17:11,340
You all ready, buddy?
406
00:17:11,527 --> 00:17:12,341
What are you doing here?
407
00:17:12,377 --> 00:17:13,542
I'm MCing.
408
00:17:13,578 --> 00:17:15,544
I had to be here for you, pal.
409
00:17:15,580 --> 00:17:16,774
You're gonna do great.
410
00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:17,954
You really think so?
411
00:17:18,010 --> 00:17:19,677
No. But here we go.
412
00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:24,353
Welcome to the Laugh
Factory open mike, everybody!
413
00:17:27,185 --> 00:17:28,236
Yes!
414
00:17:28,261 --> 00:17:30,759
You're gonna see some
amazing talent tonight.
415
00:17:30,784 --> 00:17:34,019
But first, here's my pal Ken Park!
416
00:17:36,357 --> 00:17:37,825
Have fun.
417
00:17:40,692 --> 00:17:42,817
Hey. What up, Laugh Factory?!
418
00:17:45,592 --> 00:17:47,376
Make some noise!
419
00:17:49,189 --> 00:17:51,387
Let's get this party started!
420
00:17:55,555 --> 00:17:59,555
Mm, uh, so, uh, you
guys like impressions?
421
00:17:59,590 --> 00:18:00,923
Okay, here's a classic.
422
00:18:00,958 --> 00:18:03,909
Korean Johnny Carson.
423
00:18:03,934 --> 00:18:08,317
"Is that a, uh, John Wayne Bobbitt...
424
00:18:08,345 --> 00:18:09,844
ja-ji."
425
00:18:15,807 --> 00:18:17,299
John Wayne Bobbitt?
426
00:18:17,324 --> 00:18:20,292
His wife chopped off his ja-ji?
427
00:18:20,317 --> 00:18:23,018
Oh, come on! That's funny!
428
00:18:23,043 --> 00:18:25,777
"Ja-ji" means "penis."
429
00:18:27,719 --> 00:18:29,164
Um...
430
00:18:29,344 --> 00:18:32,745
uh, so, uh, you see a
lot of Asian doctors.
431
00:18:32,924 --> 00:18:34,857
But I've never seen
an Asian veterinarian.
432
00:18:34,892 --> 00:18:36,731
- No!
- Okay.
433
00:18:43,067 --> 00:18:44,233
Back-up cameras.
434
00:18:44,268 --> 00:18:46,399
What's up with them, huh?
435
00:18:47,208 --> 00:18:49,128
You ever run over your kids and think,
436
00:18:49,153 --> 00:18:50,806
"Hey, I wish I had a
home movie of that?"
437
00:18:50,831 --> 00:18:52,274
Oh, God, no.
438
00:18:55,079 --> 00:18:56,679
What am I even doing up here?
439
00:18:56,714 --> 00:18:58,047
I'm a doctor.
440
00:18:58,128 --> 00:18:59,720
No matter what happens, I got to
441
00:18:59,745 --> 00:19:02,318
wake up tomorrow morning
and cradle some scrotums.
442
00:19:05,757 --> 00:19:07,189
And tomorrow's my day off.
443
00:19:10,127 --> 00:19:11,341
Oh, my God, I just made that up!
444
00:19:11,366 --> 00:19:12,677
Okay, um...
445
00:19:12,702 --> 00:19:14,948
Okay, well, yeah... it's true.
446
00:19:14,973 --> 00:19:15,791
I'm a doctor.
447
00:19:15,816 --> 00:19:18,534
Yeah, yeah, my parents
Korean'd me into it.
448
00:19:18,569 --> 00:19:19,401
Know what I'm saying?
449
00:19:20,805 --> 00:19:23,739
Yeah, it's not like my parents
forced me into doing this stuff.
450
00:19:23,775 --> 00:19:25,132
It's not like I went
up to my dad and said,
451
00:19:25,157 --> 00:19:26,443
"Gee, Papa, when I grow up,
452
00:19:26,468 --> 00:19:28,265
I want to be a doctor and save lives."
453
00:19:28,290 --> 00:19:30,379
"No, no. You tell joke!"
454
00:19:32,201 --> 00:19:35,102
I would never say that.
455
00:19:36,478 --> 00:19:38,087
It was really easy for me
456
00:19:38,122 --> 00:19:39,001
to get in med school.
457
00:19:39,026 --> 00:19:40,233
I mean... I mean, look at me.
458
00:19:40,258 --> 00:19:42,034
It's like my birthright.
459
00:19:42,059 --> 00:19:43,125
Here was my interview.
460
00:19:43,150 --> 00:19:45,048
"So, Ken, tell me about yourself."
461
00:19:45,181 --> 00:19:46,028
"Well, I'm Korean."
462
00:19:46,063 --> 00:19:47,563
"Stop! Congratulations. You're in."
463
00:19:47,598 --> 00:19:49,064
That's it. That's it.
464
00:19:58,900 --> 00:20:01,667
Dad, you were awesome.
465
00:20:01,692 --> 00:20:03,253
He was amazing.
466
00:20:03,284 --> 00:20:06,140
And I knew you would be. You're welcome.
467
00:20:09,996 --> 00:20:11,162
What's that?
468
00:20:11,389 --> 00:20:14,648
It's Jamie Masada, owner
of the Laugh Factory.
469
00:20:14,650 --> 00:20:17,090
He says he wants to manage me.
470
00:20:17,873 --> 00:20:20,540
So, are you gonna do this?
471
00:20:20,879 --> 00:20:21,785
Nah.
472
00:20:21,810 --> 00:20:24,377
I just wanted to prove I
could do stand-up, that's all.
473
00:20:24,567 --> 00:20:26,285
You know, you were really good.
474
00:20:26,310 --> 00:20:28,396
Great even, but come on.
475
00:20:29,101 --> 00:20:29,993
What am I gonna do,
476
00:20:30,018 --> 00:20:32,809
give up being a doctor
and become a comedian?
477
00:20:33,137 --> 00:20:35,132
That is pretty ridiculous.
478
00:20:35,381 --> 00:20:36,499
"No more medicine for me.
479
00:20:36,524 --> 00:20:37,823
I'm gonna... I'm gonna hit the road
480
00:20:37,848 --> 00:20:39,873
and perform at the
Funny Bone in El Paso."
481
00:20:41,541 --> 00:20:43,591
Hey, maybe they'll put you in movies.
482
00:20:45,366 --> 00:20:46,956
Or your own TV show.
483
00:20:48,564 --> 00:20:50,074
I guess you guys are right.
484
00:20:50,099 --> 00:20:51,755
That's full-on crazy.
485
00:20:54,156 --> 00:20:56,365
"I'm just gonna throw my
medical degree in the street."
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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