Original subtitles

(4 Musicians warm up)

(J Gentle piano music)

{Machines whirr noisily)

(♪ Music plays in background)

(§ Woman sings along)

(Whistle blares)

(All chatter excitedly)

It was just one of those things.

He'd just finished his speciality when he caught my eye.

He's Ted Heath's new trombonist. Has he got hot rhythm!

You'd like him, Maureen. He's ever so refined.

(J Sings)

Peter says we've got a chance of getting into the finals if we practise hard.

Eve's got a chance, too, if she gets the right partner.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if Peter and I won?

- Have a nice time, dear. - I will.

- Don't be late back. - I won't.

- & Knees up, Mother Brown - Hey!

♪ Don't get the breeze up, knees up, Mother Brown

♪ Knees up, Mother Brown, knees up, Mother Brown

- Hey! - (Girl) J Knees up, Mother Brown ♪

I'll wash up when I come back, Mother.

- Cooey! - (Woman) Hello! Hurry up! We're late!

- Where's Georgie? - I don't know!

- I think I've laddered my stockings! - There you are!

- I've just put them on. - Oh, never mind.

I had to queue up for these. Come on, Carole!

(4° Drum roll)

(4 Trumpet fanfare)

(♪ Band plays fanfare)

(♪ Band plays up-tempo music)

- Come on, we're missing everything. - No, let's watch.

- Oh, come on. - All right.

- Hello, Susan. - Georgie.

You don't mind if I don't see you home, do you?

- You never do see me home. - I know, but tonight's special.

I've got a date with a smasher. A bit old, but she's still a smasher.

- How old? -21.

Sister, let's have a loan of that frame for this struggle.

Is that how you always ask for a dance?

No, ma'am, I picked it up last night in Streatham.

Phil, you're not concentrating.

I am. I'm trying to think what's wrong with you.

- What's wrong with me? - It's your hair.

- You've done something different. - It's been like this for days.

- I've been in Norwich. I like it. - Where are you going this week?

Northolt, Gatwick, Croydon and all points east.

I rather go for that little curl arrangement.

- Look out. - Oh, Phil.

(Applause)

- Hiya, Jimmy! - Hello there!

- How's the romance going? - Okey-doke.

- Pretty girl. Who is she? - No idea.

(4 Musicians warm up)

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Our first dance is an "excuse me" dance.

(♪ Band plays slow tune)

- Hello, Alec. - Hello, Jean.

(Applause)

- Coming? - But, Phil, it's only nine o'clock.

I want to talk to you, Eve. I haven't seen you for over a week.

- What's up? You two going? - Yes.

- Hey, wait a minute. - But, Eve, I want to go now.

- Are you coming with me? - I want to dance.

OK.

Don't look at me, I ain't done nothing.

{Church bells ring)

- Thanks for the lift, Bob! - Hope you sleep well.

- Not me. I'm off to see my girlfriend. - I'm going home to the wife.

So long!

(Phil whistles)

(Phil whistles)

- Hello, Mary! Is Eve in? - No, I don't think so.

- (Phil) Where's she gone? - Palais, I think.

OK! Be seeing you!

Slow. Quick, quick, slow.

Quick, quick, slow.

Quick, quick, slow.

Quick, quick, slow.

Quick, quick, slow. Quick...

Hold it a minute!

Now, you needn't run away with the idea that you're hot, cos you're not.

Some of you might enter for the championships. You.

And you.

Not you. But you'll have to improve those pivoting actions.

Come on, let's get back to where we started.

- (Phil whispers) Eve! - Now then, let's see you do it properly.

Come on. Keep those arms up.

- (Phil) Psst! - Now then, after two.

One, two and slow.

- (Phil Whispers) Eve! - Quick, quick, slow.

Quick, quick, slow. Quick, quick...

- It's important. - Wait.

(Shouts) I came over spe... specially.

Hold it. If Miss Bennett and Mr Vyners would kindly leave the floor,

the rest of us might resume doing what we came here for! Start again.

(Phil) Sorry! My fault. Sorry.

- (Man) After two! - Nice going, pal.

Sorry about that, Eve. I thought you'd be at home.

I was, Phil, but Alec and I are going in for the championship.

- The what? - Championship.

- Is that so? - Any objection?

- Well, I might have. - We've got a chance of winning. Really.

Been practising regular?

Well, we have been working rather hard, haven't we, Alec?

Been at it both early and late.

(Man) Everybody on the floor for general practice.

You do understand, don't you, Phil?

- It's the championship. - Is it?

You don't suppose I'd spend Sunday mornings here if it wasn't, do you?

Phil!

- What's up? - Nothing. Phil's being stupid, that's all.

(Phil) That's the Gull IV. With the wind in this direction,

she won't get much hill lift. She'll try for the thermals over the Piggeries.

- Do you bring Eve here every Sunday? - Yes, most Sundays.

Does she know what you're talking about?

(Laughs) No. She gets bored stiff.

Is that why you brought me here today?

- No! - Go on, don't give me that stuff.

- Have you two quarrelled? - No! Come on.

Oh, I'm fed up.

Every time we go out, she has to go to the Palais.

- Well, OK. - (Laughs)

That's her cup of tea and this is mine.

Eve knows I'm no Astaire,

yet as soon as we get there, she dances with some other type.

- She likes dancing, you like planes. - At least planes don't try to date you up.

If I had any sense, I'd find another girl.

It's all perfectly harmless, Phil.

If Eve wants a good time, she wants you to give it to her.

She knows dancing isn't everything.

Yes, Mary, I know that.

Eve's a honey. I don't usually care what she does at the Palais.

She can dance her head off if she wants to.

But I dislike Alec Vyners.

If she goes on dancing with him, I'm through.

But, Phil, it's only for the championship.

Where's this?

Home. I've got a Benny Goodman record upstairs. Come on up, I'll play it.

No, Alec.

What's the matter? Still sore at the boyfriend?

No.

Let him worry, my sweet. It'll do him good.

- Come on, ten minutes. Five. - No.

- It's not 11 o'clock yet! - I'm a working girl, mister.

OK.

When do I see you again? Tomorrow?

- I don't know. - We've gotta practise before the heats.

Well, Thursday maybe.

OK, then. At the Palais.

- Thanks, Alec. - You're welcome.

- (Woman) Late, aren't you? - It's only 11.

(Woman) If you'd been earlier, you'd have seen Phil.

Phil? What did he want?

(Woman) How should I know? I said you'd gone out with your new chap.

- Mother! - Well, you had, hadn't you?

- Yes, but... - Well, then!

{Machines whirr noisily)

(♪ Music plays in background)

- Phil won't make it up! - What?

- Phil! - Yes?

- Won't make it up! - Oh!

If you ask me, the championship's all hooey.

- All what? - Hooey!

- Cooey? - What?

- Cooey! - Who?

Ohh!

(♪ Band plays up-tempo music)

Ladies, ladies!

Come out of that jungle!

I feel sick.

- Why? - Scared.

- Hi, partner. - Hi.

- Is Alec here? - Yes. Come on.

(♪ Plays discordant note)

(Laughter and applause)

Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is another big occasion.

- (Man) What, again? - (Laughter)

We just can't stop.

Tonight we have the first heats of the Greater London Dance Championship.

- Well, you'll know him next time! - The first heat consists solely of a waltz

and the judge is that internationally famous figure, Mr Herbert Grey.

(Applause)

(4 Band plays slow waltz)

What's up with you? Anyone'd think she was your wife!

- She is. - Oh!

(Jimmy) Ladies and gentlemen,

the following numbers pass on to the next round.

Number one.

Number five.

Number six.

And number 11.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I have the best possible news.

The management of your favourite Palais

is determined to give you three-times your money's worth...

- (Booing and laughter) - ...and bring to you tonight

the most popular and glamorous continental dance team.

They've just arrived fresh from their triumph in Madrid.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have the honour to present to you Chiquita and Juan!

- OK, ducks? - OK.

{Cheering and applause)

(4 Band plays tango)

This is nice, isn't it?

You never know with these places, do you?

I mean, you've been lucky.

I look a perfect sight. I've been meaning to get a perm for days

but with all this dancing... Oh, Alec...

I better be going.

Oh, Alec, we're crazy. I must get back.

(♪ Band plays fanfare)

(♪ Band plays up-tempo music)

(4 Record plays quietly)

See Alfie gets to bed, will you? I'm going out.

I can't, Mother. Alec's fetching me.

- What time? - Seven.

Well, you've had it, my girl. It's past eight now.

If you ask me, you was a fool to chuck Phil Hart.

This other chap's afraid of getting caught.

Tell Alec I've gone to the Palais!

(♪ Band plays up-tempo music)

It's no good, Mike! After the way Fred treated me,

I'm finished with men. Hello, Eve! I thought you weren't coming.

- I've been waiting for Alec. - He's here.

- Here? - Yes, in the bar.

Thanks.

Oh, dear, I hope I haven't said anything I shouldn't.

You know, you look just like a bulldog I once had... who died.

{Both laugh)

Hello, Alec.

Hello. Er, this is Doreen.

Hello.

- Are we gonna dance? - We are.

- Who's she? - Oh, just a girl I know.

(Whistle blares)

- Oh, go on, Carole, you don't mean it. - Oh, yes, I do! I'm finished with men!

- What about Mike? - Mike's not a man, he's a mountain.

"Mike," I said last night, "Mike, you're just..."

- Hello, Mike. - Hello.

- (Both laugh) - Oh, dear!

Come on.

Hello, folks.

- Hello, Phil! Well, fancy seeing you here! - Come on, Georgie, we'll miss our bus.

- No, Eve, can't we... - Phil...

Come on.

It's no good you trying to stop me by saying it's none of my business,

cos it's the business of any friend of yours.

- And I'm still a friend, aren't I? - Oh, Phil.

- Aren't I? - Of course.

Alec's used to going around a lot. He knows heaps of people. He...

What I can't take is that he's making you so unhappy.

I'm not unhappy.

OK.

It doesn't work. It's nothing against Alec. It's the way he's made, I suppose.

It was all right at first.

But now he does things like... like last night...

...to show he's, well, not going steady with anyone.

And he keeps on saying, "Don't fence me in."

I don't mean to fence him in,

but somehow...

And he was keen on me, Phil. Really, he was.

Yes, I'm sure he was.

Well, it's finished, anyway.

- Do you mean that? - Yes.

What about those, er, championships?

He can find someone else for that.

That won't be hard.

I've been pretty sick without you.

Oh, Phil.

Phil, 1...

I think you ought to know, you see,

- Alec and I were... - That's over, see?

- Phil... - No.

I don't want to know about it.

{Shouting and cheering)

Your turn next, Mary.

(Phil sighs)

I love you, Eve.

(J Distant band music)

{Machines whirr noisily)

(♪ Sings along to music in background)

This thing's driving me mad! Mad!

- Shop-soiled, that's what I am! - (Georgie) Cheer up.

- It's the Palais tonight. - I'm not interested.

- I think I'll go into a monastery. - You mean a nunnery!

(Whistle blares)

- (Man) Bus! - (Chaotic shouting)

- (All chatter) - If you went there...

- Eve! - Hello.

- Doesn't she look nice? - Marriage, that's what it does!

- Where have you been? - At home.

- No more factory! - Tell us about the flat!

- How's Phil? - Fine, only he has to go away a lot.

- Why haven't you been to see us? - Why haven't you been to the Palais?

- Come tonight. It's the semi-finals! - Semi-finals? Are you in them?

- Well, only just. - They're going to win! Can't you come?

- Well, I'd love to. - Well, why not?

- Bring Phil. - He's a bit tired when he gets home.

- We don't go out much. - Hey, who's boss?

Just because you're married to him,

doesn't mean he's going to chain you up in a tower.

- Well, I'll see. - (All chatter)

{Phone rings)

Ohh!

{Phone rings)

Hello? Yes, me.

I'm sorry, darling, I couldn't ring you before,

I was right over the other end of the field.

Yes, I know it's lonely for you.

But you can amuse yourself for an hour or two, can't you?

Yes, but I especially wanted you now. I want to go out.

Yes, but I don't want you at 9:30, I want you now.

Hurry!

- Hurry up. You don't want to be late. - (Georgie) All right, Mum.

- Hello. Is Georgie ready yet? - Nearly!

Come in, Carole! I'll open the door for you.

- Oh, that's all right. Georgie, buck up. - I shan't be long!

The semi-finals are in the paper. It'd be wonderful if Georgie got in the final!

We mustn't expect too much, dear.

Georgie Wilson, Greater London's new ballroom queen. Just like that.

- Is that what they have to wear? - Oh, only the big-shots.

But she'll need something snappy if she gets to the final.

- Georgie, have you got a flat tyre? - I'm ready!

Bye, Mum. Bye, Dad. Won't be late.

- Come on, Carole, we'd better run! - Who, me?

- (Sighs) - Well, she may not get to the finals.

She will.

(Clock ticks)

(Smashing)

(J Distant band music)

(4 Music grows louder)

(♪ Band plays up-tempo music)

- Hello, Eve! - Hil

Where have you been? I haven't seen you for months.

Married. Seen any of the others?

Yes, they're around somewhere, I think. Bye.

- Hello, Jimmy! - Why, Doris!

- Eve. - Yes, of course! Silly of me.

- How's, erm... erm... - Phil? He's fine.

Well, it's nice to see you again... Eve.

- Look who's here! - Hello, Mike. Hello, Carole.

- We didn't think you'd make it. - Hello, Mary. Georgie.

- Where's Phil? - He couldn't come. Have we got time?

- I haven't danced for ages. - Come on.

(Applause)

(4° Drum roll)

Now, ladies and gentlemen...

(Blows into microphone)

And now, ladies and gentlemen, if you'll kindly clear the floor,

we can introduce the judges.

(Phil) I'm back, darling.

Eve?

(4 Band plays)

(All chatter excitedly)

- Georgie! - (All chatter excitedly)

(Jimmy) The following numbers have passed through to the final.

The judges had a very difficult task because everybody was very good.

Still, here they are. Number one.

Number three.

- And number six. - Oh, Peter!

(Applause)

- Georgie, how wonderful! - We knew you'd do it!

Oh, now for the finals and you're all set. Georgie, I must dash. Bye, all.

- Bye, Eve! - Thanks for coming!

(Jimmy) And now we present our next attraction of the evening. Hy Hazell!

- (Cheering and applause) - Hello there, gorgeous!

(♪ Band play slow introduction)

♪ You're only dreaming

♪ What a fool you are

♪ Just building castles

♪ On a distant star

♪ From day to lonely day

♪ You sit and grieve

♪ And waste the hours away

♪ In make-believe

♪ You're only dreaming

♪ Of an old refrain

♪ Sweet, haunting music

♪ That will fade again

♪ Why won't you understand

♪ Fairyland won't do?

♪ Wake up, my dreamer

♪ To a dream come true ♪

Hello, stranger.

- Oh, hello. - How's married life?

Fine. You should try it some time.

Maybe I will.

- How about a drink? For old time's sake? - No, thanks all the same.

Phil will be home. I've got a special dinner. He thinks I'm a smashing cook.

He's a lucky guy. You don't come here anymore.

No, I only came to see Georgie. Phil never cared much about dancing.

He says it's silly to keep going out when you've a nice home of your own.

- Come on, let's get that drink. - No, I must go, really, Alec.

OK. It's been nice seeing you.

It's been nice seeing you, Alec.

Shame about the championship.

- We would've won it, you know? - Go on!

We would.

Goodbye.

- So long. - Bye.

(Radio plays)

'Bolton Wanderers nil..."

Phil, I'm ever so sorry! I didn't realise it was...

- Shh. - 'Burnley two, Charlton Athletic nil.'

- When did you get back? - About ten past nine.

You said you wouldn't be back till half past. Sorry I'm late. I got caught up.

- Where were you? - I went round to the Palais.

Palais!

Yes, you said you wouldn't be back till late.

I met Georgie and Carole on the bus...

I thought you were giving up the Palais.

It was the semi-finals of the championship.

Did Alec win?

Alec wasn't in it.

- Wasn't he? - No.

- But you danced with him, didn't you? - Phil.

- Well, didn't you? - What on earth's the matter? You don't...

- Look, Eve, I'm trying to listen to this. - Oh!

- 'Coventry City one, Hull City three.' - (Eve) Ohh!

- What's up? - Pea soup, sufficient for four persons.

Baked beans and pork, sufficient for four persons.

Stewed steak, sufficient for four persons!

- Phil, you've eaten enough for 12 people! - Well, I was hungry.

And the steak's on points, too.

You could make a meal yourself if you would stay away from the Palais!

- Why shouldn't I go? - Because I don't like it!

- Why? - Because I just don't like it!

Why are you trying to make me feel ashamed? I haven't done anything!

I only went to the Palais because of Georgie. They asked you, too!

That's why I wanted you home early!

(Weeps)

‘Swansea Town two,

"Chesterfield nil."

- Eve. - Go away.

Eve, I... I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.

I'm sorry about the steak, too.

(Eve) You're a pig! I hate you!

- Eve, let me in. - No.

- Eve, open the door! - No!

Eve!

Go away!

- Phil... - Now you get back to bed.

Oh, Phil.

You shouldn't have.

Don't you expect this every morning.

This is just a peace offering because I behaved like such a goon last night.

Phil, I love you.

(4 All whistle tune)

- (Knock at door) - Come in.

Hello, Georgie. Hello, Mary.

Oh, relax, Georgie. I'm not going to eat you.

- Not that I wouldn't like to, mind you. - Jim, stop teasing her!

Er, Georgie, there's something for you on this chair over here.

Ohh!

With the compliments of the Palais Dance Committee. For one night only.

- For me? - Just a little thing I ran up myself.

- Wouldn't you like to try it on? - Oh, yes, please!

Hey, wait a minute!

You'll get me in all the Sunday papers!

Oh, Mary! It's just like stepping into a cloud!

Anybody in?

(4 Big band music plays)

- Oh, hello. - Well, do you like it?

- Where did it come from? - Dad and me bought it for you.

Your mother chose it. I thought it a bit fancy myself. But I dare say she's right.

- Oh, Mummy! - Ohh.

- Aren't you going to try it on? - Yes, I'm dying to!

Go on, Joe, you're in the way.

Now, I'm going to get tea. Call us when you're ready.

(Car horn blares)

- Hello, Betty! How are you? - Fine.

- Oh! - What have you got in there, dynamite?

- 16 pounds of potatoes. - You're looking well.

- I'm feeling well. - Can I give you a lift?

I haven't finished my shopping. I promised Phil some fish.

- I'm just going down to the MacFisheries. - They're closed.

- Oh, dear. - Kippers any good?

A pal had a case sent down from Aberdeen.

I don't know what to do with them.

- Oh, Phil loves kippers. - Well, come on, let's go.

♪ Wake up, my dreamer

♪ To a dream come true ♪

Here they are.

- Remember this? - Yes.

Uh-uh.

Uh-uh?

- How funny. - What?

I thought I'd always feel something for you, but I don't.

It might never have happened.

- What are you getting at? - You know what I'm getting at.

You were going to make a pass at me because you can't help making passes.

And it didn't mean a thing!

Oh, Alec, I'm so glad it's Phil and not you!

(Laughs)

(Laughs)

Lady, how you flatter me!

Oh, you're a sport, Alec.

So are you. That goes double.

I must have been a fool to let you go.

It's the best thing you ever did, for both of us.

Well, after all that, I'd better be going.

Goodbye.

It's funny, isn't it?

Lovely grub! The best kippers I've ever tasted.

Yes, they were good, weren't they? They're from Aberdeen.

- We'll have to hurry. - You don't mind, do you?

- Georgie's so keen on us being there. - (Laughs) Only Georgie?

(4 Musicians warm up)

Hiya, slaves!

- Sure you've got everything? - Everything.

Goodbye, Mum. Goodbye, Dad. Thanks ever so much!

We'll be thinking of you and wishing you all the luck you deserve!

- I'll need lots more than that! Bye! - Good luck.

I wish we were going to be there.

You know we'd only make her nervous and mess the whole thing up.

- Georgie, come on, you'll be late! - There's plenty of time.

There won't be by the time you get your dress on.

Mary, I'm not going to change my frock.

- I'm going to wear this one. - Don't be silly.

Ah, there you are at last.

- Is there anything I can do to help? - No, thank you, we can manage.

Good luck, Georgie.

- Now, what's all this? - I told you, Mary, I can't.

- You should've told them what happened. - How could 1?

Anyway, it's really awfully nice.

What's Peter going to say? All the other girls have proper dresses.

He'll think you don't want to win.

I feel terrible about it.

Listen, Georgie, they want you to win, don't they?

- Of course. - Well, then.

Between ourselves, I always keep mine on with chewing gum.

Ah, good old Moss Bros.

- Look, there's the Cricklewood pair. - Ignore them.

You don't want the judges to think you're afraid of anyone.

- I'm afraid of them all! - Nonsense!

- (Eve) Hello, Peter. - Hello.

- Oh, he looks terrific! - He looks fine.

- It's the only way for a man to dress. - Goodbye and good luck.

I hope the best pair win. So long as it's you!

- I hope Georgie's not going to be late. - Here she is. She looks smashing!

Doesn't she look wonderful?

(Eve) Oh, Georgie! (Peter) Oh, I say!

Georgie, you look a treat! It's lovely!

Kindly clear the floor for the championship.

- Gosh, this is it. - Everyone off the floor, please.

- Where's my number? - Here you are.

If you please, sir.

- We can't have you winning by mistake. - (Laughter)

(Jimmy) As you all know, this is the final

of the Greater London Amateur Ballroom Championship.

There are six judges tonight,

all experts who have made British ballroom dancing known throughout the world

as a pattern of what ballroom dancing ought to be.

(Applause)

(4 Band plays tango)

(Whispers) Sorry.

(Whispers) Excuse me.

She isn't there.

(Applause)

(♪ Band plays up-tempo music)

Come on, Georgie!

(Applause and whistling)

Atta boy, Peter! Show 'em how!

(Man) Come on, nine!

It's in the bag! Come on! Come on!

{Shouting and cheering)

Hey!

Cricklewood! Cricklewood, come on!

- Georgie! Peter! - Come on, Regans!

{Shouting and cheering)

Come on, number eight! Cricklewood!

(Man) Come on, Wimbledon!

(Cheering)

(Man) Come on, kids, you can do it!

(Woman) Yeah! Come on!

(Applause)

(Man) Hammersmith!

(Man) Come on, Hammersmith!

(Cheering)

(Man) Come on, Hammersmith!

(Cheering)

- (Whistling) - (Man) Come on, Wimbledon!

(Wolf whistle)

(Shouting)

(Cheering)

Georgie! Very good! And you, Peter!

Well, now, here are the results.

The judges have awarded first place to number...

- ...eight! - (Cheering and applause)

(Jimmy) Second to number... four.

(Applause)

And third to number... 11.

{Cheering and applause)

Sorry, Peter.

Don't be silly. It was my fault.

We mustn't ever let her know we came.

{Cheering and applause)

Mummy!

Never you mind, Georgie. You were the best of the lot.

- But my frock... - It looked lovely, dear.

- (Sobs) Oh, I feel dreadful! - Don't be a silly girl, Georgie.

(Sobs)

Sorry.

- Did they see? - Nobody saw anything.

- Here's Peter. Hello, Peter. - I just wondered... Hello.

- How are you? - ...if there was anything I...

- No, it's all right, thank you, Peter. - I'll see Georgie home if you like.

- I'd like to. - That's very kind, but it's no trouble.

Oh, I don't mind. I mean, it's no trouble to me, either.

Perhaps we better be getting along. Unless...

Oh, no, Mummy, don't wait for me. It's all right.

See you later.

Coming?

(Phil) Oh!

- How am I doing? - You're crippling me!

It's bad luck, but if we're going to live together, we have to give up the Palais.

It's those steam hammers you call feet!

Let's compromise and have a drink.

Funny it's all over, isn't it? I can't believe it.

- We'll try again next year. - Yes.

Cold?

Oh, it's no good, Peter. We're only kidding ourselves.

We're not in the Regans' class and we never will be.

- Oh, I don't know. - Yes, you do.

Funny... I had a feeling this was going to be a wonderful evening.

- Now it's been awful. - We weren't so bad.

Oh, it isn't the championship.

It's Mum and Dad.

- (Weeps) - Don't cry, Georgie.

Georgie, don't.

I'm sorry. I don't often.

Oh, don't look at my face, it must be all blotchy.

I don't care if it is. Georgie...

- Peter. - What?

I'll make your face all wet.

- Well! - Oh, hello!

It takes the championship to bring you two back.

- What'll you have? - Oh, a pint, please.

Good heavens, no, I don't want any. Why don't you ask Mr Fairfax?

- What's this? - He has a crate of kippers from Aberdeen.

- Doesn't know what to do with them. - Well, he knows my address.

- Cheers! - Cheers.

It's all a try on to get me up to his flat. I don't believe there are any kippers.

The place looks like an aquarium. Doesn't it, Eve?

- Does it, Eve? - Oh, Phil, I forgot to tell you.

The kippers we had for supper, they were from Alec.

I happened to be on the high street and I met Alec and he told me he had kippers.

- They were awfully good, weren't they? - I could hold a cat's convention.

(Woman) Oh, Mr Fairfax, I've lost my bag.

Can you tell me what to do about it?

Yes, yes.

Mm! I think he's cute! Don't forget to send him his kippers.

- Or are they only for your girlfriends? - Only for my girlfriends, baby.

I just say, "Come up and see my kippers" and they come running.

- (Woman screams) - (Eve) Phil, stop it!

You want to start a rough house, you better find yourself another pitch!

Just a silly fella.

Now, sir, if you wouldn't mind joining your friend outside.

- What have I done? - Let's save an argument, shall we?

You must have thought so, too, running to him the minute my back was turned.

- That's a filthy lie! - Is it?

- Well, you ought to know about lies! - Oh!

- That was a stupid thing to do. - Let me go!

- Don't you dare! - You made an exhibition of yourself!

- Yes, the minute I married you! - Oh!

- You're horrible! Horrible! - Thanks.

You're jealous of everything and everybody!

You won't let me do anything or go anywhere!

You want me to stay at home and be bored!

What about me?

I've been pretty bored seeing you mooning around thinking about Alec!

I was never bored with him!

- I expect you wish you'd married him! - Yes, I do!

Yes. But he didn't need to marry you, did he?

Oh!

(Whistle blares)

- Happy New Year! - Happy New Year, Molly!

When do you leave for the Palais, Georgie?

- I'm meeting Peter. He's got the ring. - Has he?

Everyone's getting married except me!

(Excited shouting)

{Door opens)

I was wondering when you'd be back.

I slept at Mother's.

I don't care where you slept.

Can you stay there next week?

Yes.

After that, you can come back here for a bit if you want to. I shan't be here.

There's a job going down at Cardiff.

I'm going up on Monday to see if they'll have me.

I'll send you rent and a couple of quid extra.

- I don't want your money. - Well, I'll send it to you anyway.

I'm legally responsible for you till after the divorce.

Divorce?

Phil...

I telephoned a lawyer today.

I'll see him before I leave.

Here's a list of some of the things I'd like to hang on to.

You better look through it.

If there's anything you think you ought to have, just let me know.

The cutlery and all that you can keep.

The furniture's paid up until the end of next month.

- Phil, couldn't we wait a bit? - What for?

What's the use in piling on the agony? There's no sense in that.

I'm not blaming it all on you.

I'm not easy to live with, I know.

I should've known from the beginning that it wouldn't work.

- You made that plain before we started. - That was before. Afterwards I promised...

We've talked enough! I can't take any more.

You can pack your things and get out.

Phil!

(Weeps)

(♪ Band plays zany music)

(Cheering)

I'm positively through with men.

I was only interested in you because you were fond of dancing.

So for goodness sake, don't go getting any ideas into your head.

I mean, I might have been interested in you once.

But after the way Jack and Fred treated me, especially Fred,

why, it's enough to put a girl off men for life! I mean...

Oh, Mike!

Mike, it's lovely!

{Shouting and cheering)

Hello, Eve.

Eve!

- Have you seen Alec? - No.

I rang his flat, he's not there. I've got to see him!

What's the matter? Is there anything I can do?

What's the matter, darling?

- Oh, nothing, please... - Eve, please.

(Cheering)

- He's going to divorce me. - That's absurd.

He means it. He's going to see the lawyers right away.

He can't! On what grounds?

Mary, I didn't go with Alec, not after Phil and I were married.

- I know that, Eve. - He won't believe it.

Oh, Mary, how can I make him believe it? There must be some way.

If Alec would talk to him...

Wait here, I'll see if I can find him.

(♪ Band plays zany music)

- Mary, look! - Oh, Georgie, it's lovely!

It's too big. I should've got it fixed. I wanted to show off.

I have to hold my handkerchief so it doesn't fall off.

- Have you seen Alec? - (Both) No.

If you do, would you tell him that Eve's upstairs?

- Oh, I must show her. - No, Georgie, some other time.

- Where are you going? - I'll be back.

- Carole! - Georgie!

Snap. (Laughs)

{Cheering and chatter)

Oh, no, Mary. It's no good.

She doesn't love me, she never has.

Alec's the one she goes for.

The sooner it's all washed up, the better.

I should never have married her.

It's just bad luck for both of us.

I've been all sorts of a fool, you know, Mary?

Look, when I come back from Cardiff, you'll have to take me in hand, hm?

- You could do with a nurse. - I mean it, I need you.

- You need Eve. - I need you!

I'll get you that address.

Just spell everything with two Ls and you'll be all right.

OK.

Oh, and Mary...

...if Eve should want something,

you'll let me know, will you?

I won't write to anyone as stupid and cruel as you are.

You're stupid, blind, self-satisfied and jealous!

You take silly accidents and build them up!

You don't listen when she tries to explain. You're not listening now!

You're so thick-headed and smug! Eve loves you. She's breaking her heart.

She doesn't care for Alec. If you were half a man, you'd know. Why can't you see?

- Listen, Mary... - No!

I'm telling the truth! Why should I lie? Why should I be here?

Why should I want anything but for you and Eve to smash it up

because I love you, Phil!

But there never was a chance for me.

You love Eve. And Eve loves you, Phil.

(Laughter)

Eve.

Eve, what's wrong? You wanted to see me?

I kinda figure it out this way, she's hooked you, boy, and you can't stray.

No, sir, you're gonna hear those church bells yet.

Brother, when you walk down that aisle, you better find yourself a sickly smile

cos you ain't no stray dog now, you're with a vet.

- (J Plays trumpet tunelessly) - (§ Trumpets honk)

- There's only one difficulty, my sweet. - What's that?

Me.

This'll hand you a laugh. I'm jealous.

No, please, Alec, don't be silly. You're the only one that can help me.

I used to thank my lucky stars that I didn't care about anybody.

Then I began to realise that nobody cared about me.

I'm very fond of you, Alec.

You don't give a hoot. Not really. None of you do.

You see, I get tired of people.

Nobody lasts with me.

You lasted longer than most.

No, Alec, it's no good. It's too late.

- Is it? I don't think so. - No, Alec.

- I want to marry you. - No!

Why not? After the way he's treated you?

I must have been an idiot to let you go back.

- Oh, help me, Alec! - To fix things up with him? Why should 1?

If the dirty-minded runt thinks he has evidence, I won't contradict him.

- You know I never went back to you! - Does the judge know?

- But, Alec, you can't do this, you can't! - Can't I?

No, Alec.

Oh, I love him, Alec! I love him! I don't know how to live without him!

Oh, Phil! (Sobs)

Oh, what's the matter, deary?

- Are you sick? - No, I'm all right.

- There's a nurse. Shall I get her? - Let her be, Ida.

Please! I'm all right!

Alec, have you seen Eve?

- Yeah, I've seen her. - Where is she?

Upstairs.

(4 Band plays "Knees Up Mother Brown")

(Train whistle blows)

Cinderella boy. Everybody at the party and they won't let him in.

- Wait a minute. - What for?

I went a bit crazy the other night. Maybe I had the wrong idea.

You've always had the wrong idea, chum.

You want a girl to double-cross you, keep nagging.

- You expect her to do you dirt, she does. - Hey...

Watch yourself!

- Did Eve go with you while I was away? - What do you think?

- I don't believe it. - Look, chum, I haven't got all night.

Make up your mind, the last...

You're just a cheap...

You're just a cheap little...

(Phil) She didn't, did she? She didn't.

She didn't.

(J Distant music)

(Cheering)

(4 Church bells chime)

Agh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, I hate you! I hate you!

(Distant singing) ♪ For auld lang syne, my dear

♪ For auld lang syne

♪ We'll take a cup of kindness yet

♪ For the sake of auld lang syne

♪ For auld lang syne, my dear

- ♪ For auld lang syne - Happy New Year!

- ♪ We'll take a cup of kindness yet - You're welcome.

♪ For the sake of auld lang syne

♪ For auld lang syne, my dear

♪ For auld lang syne

♪ We'll take a cup of kindness yet

♪ For the sake of auld lang syne

- (Bagpipes play) - ♪ For auld lang syne, my dear

♪ For auld lang syne

♪ We'll take a cup of kindness yet

♪ For the sake of auld lang syne ♪

(Cheering)