All language subtitles for Call.Me.Bwana.1963.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG.ENG

This is Red Alert.
Emergency Four,
top priority.

PRESIDENT KENNEDY: What do we know, gentlemen?

OFFICER: We know
that Moon Probe One
landed on the moon.

Then blasted off again
on its recovery flight

approximately
18 hours ago.

What else do
we know?

We know it was
all systems go, sir.

But where did it go?

It landed

in Africa.

Gentlemen, this capsule has secrets.

Vital secrets of
the moon's surface
locked in it.

Now, according to international law,

whoever finds
this capsule,

will automatically own it.

Our space trackers
have reported
moon probe signals

about here, sir.

Sir, from what little
we know about
the Ekele tribe,

it's said they're
extremely dangerous.

Only one man
has ever been there

and returned
to tell the world

about the Ekeles.

His name is
Matthew Merriwether.

In my opinion, sir,

Merriwether's the only
chance we have

of getting on to
the Moon Probe One

before some others
get there first.

Of course, Merriwether!

Who else would they send?

Only last year, we sent a mission...

Shh!

There it goes again!

Fine present
he sent me!

Ah, ah, that's better!

Fortunately,
we have our own
loyal subversives

in this part of Africa.

I can have him
liquidated on arrival.

Imbeciles! Deviationists!

There is only one main objective,

to get the capsule.

Bullets will not stop this man.

We must find his superior in brain,

in cunning and in daring.

I can think of only one person.

Get Luba!

One remote tribe has a vocabulary of 18 words.

They express all their emotions with body movements.

Like a flare
of the nostrils means

"I am yours for ever."

Later on we are going to go into...

Class dismissed.

Gentlemen.

Professor,
you are being given

another opportunity
to serve your country.

I can ask for
nothing more.

Are you familiar
with the works
of Matthew Merriwether?

A brilliant mind.

His ideology
is confused,
of course.

But, can you outwit him?

I can try.

The assignment will involve,

in addition to your incomparable intellect,

the instincts of a female animal of the jungle.

I understand.

It is of great importance.

I only hope I am
equal to the task.

I do not know of any
other woman in the world

who is so well equipped
for this mission.

Thank you.

Mmm.

Oh...

Oh, it's you!

You're a minute slow.

All right,
I'm up. I'm up.

Nag! Nag! Nag!

Good morning,
Mr. Merriwether.

Oh, let's not
be formal.
Call me Bwana.

Yes, sir, Bwana. Bwana wishes breakfast?

Bwana sure does.

Right away.

Bwana honey.

What a lazy susan.

People wonder
why I answer
when Africa calls.

Oh, those beastly
jungle noises.

Good morning,
Great White Hunter.

Let's not be bitter.

Lock the door,
I'll get the diary.

Oh, there you are,
my little gold mine.

Now, where did I
leave off yesterday?
Where was I?

You mean where was
Trader Merriwether?

Yes.

We make
a great team, Uncle.

You with your
bleached bones
in Africa

and me here in New York with my reading glasses.

I feel this is going to be a big day.

Oh, I'd better
turn off the phone,

till I get finished
dictating.

Operator.

Oh, uh, would you
cut off the phone

till I call you back?

Thank you very much.

Good old Dillingham!

That was all that was left when the vultures flew away.

Now, take this down.

"There I was
in the jungle

"looking into the rattlesnake's eyes,

"and as I..."Wait a minute.

There are
no rattlesnakes
in Africa.

No rattlesnakes
in Africa?

Uh-uh! You mean they left?

Oh, that's
not important.

Now, just what do
you intend to do

when you run out of
your uncle's diaries, Matt?

Oh, that's no problem, I'll just kill myself.

But you can't fake it all the time.

Why don't you
go to Africa?

Even for the weekend.

Look, Koba,
the only wild animal
I want to see

is the cigarette girl
at the Stork Club.

And I carry a gun
when I'm with her.

Sure, sure. Grab this.

"Undismayed, I faced this charging herd of buffalo.

"As I hacked my way through this living wall of flesh..."

Good morning, gentlemen.
This way, please.

Oh!

Say, if a lion comes at you from opposite directions,

you have to be ready.

Oh, Mr. Merriwether,
I'm Conroy,

and this is Scott, CIA.
Colonel Spencer.

How do you do? Oh!

Won't you sit down?

Thank you.

What can I do for you, gentlemen?

Mr. Merriwether,
we have just come
from the President.

Oh? How was the waterskiing?

Mr. Merriwether,
you're familiar with
the Ekele country?

Like Bernard Baruch knows Central Park.

I've shaken hands with every tsetse fly in Africa.

What a man!

Exactly.

Is there any chance
we can be heard?

I can hardly hear you myself.

You were saying?

Some days ago
our space agency
launched

the first moon probe
from Cape Canaveral.

It landed on the moon and its robot instruments

picked up samples
from the surface.

Now, it blasted back to Earth successfully

but on the return trip it went a half a degree off course.

It landed in Ekele country.

We can't afford
to let this capsule

fall into
unfriendly hands.

Oh, never. All my maps
and personal experiences

will be placed
at the disposal

of whoever
volunteers to...

Oh, look, I'll throw in
a couple of my books.

Look, how about these?
They're autographed.

Mr. Merriwether, destiny is calling you.

Me?
Oh, no. No, no.

I think you've reached
a disconnected hero.

I'd like to, but
I've just joined
the Book of the Month Club

and I'm a slow reader.

Why don't you
try Robert Ruark?

He flinches a little
but a good man.

Besides, I have to
finish my new book
before the rainy season.

If there's anything
I can't stand
it's a soggy book.

Mr. Merriwether, whoever leads this mission successfully

will wear the medal of greatness for all time.

Yeah, but will he
wear it in good health?

Oh, and besides,
I'm having
my teeth capped.

Mr. Merriwether,
you know what
our flag stands for.

Fourth of July, Yankee Stadium, Southern fried chicken.

Girl Scout cookies, Jayne Mansfield.

Motherhood,
power steering,
credit cards.

Drive-in movies. Please, I can't stand
long commercials.

We have a plane standing by.

Plane? I get dizzy
wearing elevator shoes.

Mr. Merriwether,
what do I tell
the President?

Tell him
I voted for Nixon.

Look, can't I have
a little time
to make my decision?

Three or
four years, maybe?

You have two hours.

Thanks a lot.

And where exactly
do you plan to go?

Where I always go
when I'm supposed
to be in Africa,

my aunt's place
in Cape Cod.

And how many people
do you think are going
to read your books

when they find out you're a fraud?

Stop talking
like a publisher.

You can get
killed in Africa,
permanently.

Well, think of the bright side of it.

Think how your books would sell if you died bravely.

Yeah, think of
the trouble I'd have
mailing you the sequel.

But, Matt,
you're Mr. Africa.

If you don't go you'll be the laughing stock of the whole country.

That's better than
winding up on the menu
as an hors d'oeuvre.

I'm not going
and that's that.

Oh, Mr. Merriwether, I see you're raring to go.

Colonel Spencer is waiting for you at the airport.

Well, good luck, Matt.
Is there anything
I can do?

Yeah, get me the name of a good witch doctor.

The Colonel you know,
that's Lieutenant Jones
and Major Farbe

of the Medical Corps.

Sir, brave men don't require speeches,

they smile at death.

Yeah, well,
that all depends
on who's dying.

Your cover for the safari
is to capture the vicious
spotted elephant.

What vicious
spotted elephant?

The one in your book.

Oh, yeah, that one.

We found out later
it was measles.

You've got to be
prepared for anything.

There may be
an attempt
on your life.

Well, these
inconveniences
one must expect.

If you're captured and death is inevitable,

you'd prefer the method of your own choice.

Well, everybody has
a favorite way to go,

and I'm not going
till I find the right one.

If you're in a tough spot, take one of these.

Tranquilizers?

Cyanide.

One crunch, oblivion.

What a way to beat
car payments.

Death is instantaneous and clean.

No side effects, huh?

Be careful
with these needles.

A sewing kit? Oh, thanks. If I have any loose buttons, I...

The tips are poisoned.

Couldn't get
the regular kind, huh?

If you can't swallow
the cyanide pills
in time, one scratch...

You fellows make
everything so easy.

A Do-it-to-yourself
suicide kit.

Hand grenade.

If the cyanide and
the poison needles
don't work,

I swallow this?

Your job is to get
the capsule back safely,

if not, destroy it.

This is a radio detector device. It's a homer.

When you get close to the capsule

you'll pick up its signals on this.

Bleep! Bleep! Bleep! Bleep!
Bleep! Bleep! Bleep! Bleep!

What is he, some kind of nut?

Guard it
with your life.

Don't worry, Colonel,
I promise.

If anyone wants homer,
they'll have to...

And they will, huh?

We have an operative going on this trip with you.

Name of Fred Larsen.

Now, Fred'll take care of security

and make sure you get there all right.

Will there be a trip
coming back?

Flight 401 to Makuta

is now ready
for departure.

That's you.

Oh, thank you.
Well...

Everything's here,

I'm afraid. Good luck.

Oh, Colonel,

would you put this
in the insurance
machine for me?

Certainly.
Who's the beneficiary?

Psst!

Which fellow
is Fred Larsen?

Sorry, I don't have the seating chart yet,

but I'll let you know as soon... Shh!

I'll handle it.
Don't worry.

Psst!

Get a load of this!
Solid fruitcake.

Fred? Tom.

Fred.

Fred.

Fred!

May I please see your ticket, sir?

Nice to have you aboard, Mr. Merriwether.

Thank you.

Have a pleasant trip, Miss Larsen?

Thank you.

Larsen?

Hmm, Frederica Larsen.

Frederica Larsen!

Wow.

Are you disappointed
that I am a woman?

If I was, I'd be disappointed in myself as a man.

Then, you have
no objection

to women
in the jungle?

After a hard day in the jungle

what is there but women or checkers?

Women or checkers?

Yeah. They're both fun if you make the right moves.

I like you,
Mr. Merriwether.

I'm going to see that
you're well protected.

Thank you.
Who's going to
protect you?

Mmm, I'm not so sure
I want protection.

May I get you folks a drink?

Mmm, why not? A double.

Do you have dancing in this plane?

Get my paper hat.

We may fly outside for a while.

ALL:
♪ Each little flower
that opens

♪ Each little bird that sing

♪ He made their
glowing colors

♪ He made their tiny wings

♪ All things
bright and beautiful

♪ All creatures
great and small

♪ All things
wise and wonderful

♪ The Lord God
made them all

♪ The rich man
in his castle

♪ The poor man
at his gate

♪ God made them
high or lowly

♪ And ordered their estate

♪ All things
bright and beautiful

♪ All creatures
great and small

♪ All things
wise and wonderful

♪ The Lord God
made them all ♪

Bless you,
my children.
Bless you.

Tomorrow we will raise our voices once more

and let us hope that the collection plate is not quite so bare.

Quick! Bless you.
Bless you.

Bless you.
Bless you.

See you tomorrow. Bless you. Bless you.

Lock the doors.

Go ahead,
I read you.

MAN: Matthew Merriwether.

Matthew Merriwether.

Oh, you can
consider him
disposed of.

Yes.

Flight 401
from New York landing
at Makuta Airport.

REPORTER: Hold it, Mr. Merriwether.

Well... Friends.

Well, I'll just go
get the luggage.

Tip big,
it's on the government.

REPORTER 1: Did you have a good trip, Mr. Merriwether?

Yes, it was wonderful.
I'm very happy to be
back here in Africa.

My land,
my country,
my people.

I have returned.

Keep the motor running.

No pictures, please.

I feel naked
without a lion
beneath my feet.

REPORTER 2:
Mr. Merriwether,
how many are you

taking with you
on this trip?

Oh, this is just
a skeleton crew.

Just two
or three hundred,

and that's not
counting bartenders.

Mr. Merriwether,
is it true you've come

for another try
at that rogue elephant
in the Ekele country?

Yeah, and this time
I intend to do it
the hard way,

without peanuts.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Wait a minute.
You should put
these things up here.

Up here on top
of the head.
Up, up.

That's better.

Don't you read
National Geographic?

Now, next question.

Mr. Merriwether,
on your previous trips

no one's ever
actually seen you,
isn't that unusual?

Yeah, how about that? Next question.

Well, Mr. Merriwether,
how do you explain that?

I mean,
no one's ever actually
seen you in the jungle.

Well, all I can say is
the whole country
needs glasses.

I beg your pardon.
There's so much
to tell you...

WOMAN ON PA: Passengers on Flight 452,

please proceed
to Customs via
the main gate.

I only strike
when attacked.

I believe that's the first policy of all.

And I think, I... I...

MATT: We, uh... Uh, we wow-wowie-wow.

Wow, this is it.
Big game country.

And my kind of game.

The name is
Matt Merriwether.

M-A double "T"
as in available.

MATT: See you, men.

Mr. Merriwether,
we have more questions.

I have one myself.

Good morning, ma'am. Good morning.

Good morning. Good morning.

EZRA: It's outrageous, I tell you.

For years I have handled this territory.

What do they want to send a woman for?

You're not
to consider me
as a woman

but your Commanding Officer
who gives you orders.

Kiss me,
you fool, quick. What?

Kiss me!Kiss you?

Oh, Papa, I've missed
you so terribly much.

Oh, my little girl, I'm so glad you're back.

But, Papa,
I had to come back
to help you out

with the work
at the mission.

Oh, well, it's good
to see you, I must say.

Oh, Papa!

STAFF: Good morning, sir.

Room 222.
I think that's on
the second floor.

Yes, sir.

And next time, shave.

Are these
Mr. Merriwether's bags?

Yes, ma'am.

Soon, imbecile,
you are going
to find out

why they sent
for Luba.

FREDERICA: There,
your outfit's all set.

The poison needles
are in your bush jacket.

Oh, good.

Come in.

Everything's
been arranged.

Vehicles, porters
and gun bearers.

Exactly as ordered? Yes, ma'am.

Fine, we leave at dawn. Yes, Bwana.

What time is dawn?4 a.m.

We leave at dawn plus three.

Yes, Bwana.

What are you looking for, the House Detective?

Elementary security.

On a mission of this type,
we have to take
every possible precaution.

We simply have to
check every single...

Lovely. Yeah, but...

Yeah, but these aren't my clothes.

Not even your size.

No, this must be somebody else's bag.

Oh, I gathered that.

I think I'd better
be leaving.

I wouldn't want
to interrupt anything.

No, but I'm not
expecting anybody.
Honestly.

Come in.

Champagne, sir.

But I didn't order that. I don't know what it's all about.

Don't apologize,
I'm not your den mother.

Mr. Merriwether,
the management wishes you
a very pleasant stay.

Oh, I'm sure
we won't have to
worry about that.

Here. Thank you.

Very good, sir.

Would you like to join me?

Well, if I'm not
depriving anyone.

To bigger and better safaris.

Chamray '32.

Not a very good year for carpets.

I just don't understand.

This has been
my territory
for three years.

You are not
a traveling salesman
who has a quota to meet.

Your crude methods
will not work.

He is an enemy of the state.

He must be squashed like a fly.

I have taken the necessary steps.

You're a fool.

If you kill him
how are we to find
the moon probe?

Well, what do you expect him to do?

Invite you to go on his safari?

Exactly.

And I shall have him
invite you, in person.

Now, you'd better leave.
He's going to be
here in a moment.

I very much doubt it.

Out.

It's two floors up.

Jump!

Just a moment,
I'll slip
into something.

Well, don't go
to any trouble.

Oh, I see you've been waiting for this.

Oh, yes, won't you
come in, please?

They sent your bag to
my room by mistake.

How very kind. But you could have sent a bell boy.

I never send a boy
on a man's job.

My name is...Matt Merriwether,

as in available.

Have you any idea
what a great honor it is

for me to meet you,
Mr. Merriwether?

Why don't we have
dinner tonight?

You can turn my head.
It's twirling now.

You are teasing me,
Mr. Merriwether.

Oh, it's about 50-50.

What's a slip of
a girl like you doing
out here all alone?

Oh, Africa is
my laboratory.

I'm an anthropologist.

Oooh! What a waste!

I did my thesis
on the culture
of the Ekele tribe.

The Ekele tribe?

It's a miracle you're still alive.

Oh, with Papa,
you couldn't be safer.

Oh, that sweet, gentle old soul I saw in the lobby?

Yes, he's a medical
missionary.

He's spent several years
in the Ekele country.

Why, I have
a rendezvous

with a rogue elephant in the Ekele country.

Why don't you
and Papa join me?

Oh, I'm afraid
we'd be in your way.

Besides, Papa's got
so much work to do
at the mission here.

Well, I'll talk to him.

And as for you being
in the way,
don't ever move.

Are you quite certain
that you want me
to come along?

I may have to
send you back

when we hit
dangerous country.

I understand.

I'll share your life
for a few days.

Yes, but don't forget the nights.

It's not that I wouldn't want you, but...

I can see
in your sad eyes that
you've got some burden.

But I won't ask you
any questions.

You're a good kid.

I'm sorry.

It won't happen again,
Mr. Merriwether.

You're only human, don't fight it.

Please.

It's all happened too fast.

I must have time to think.

We leave at 7:00
in the morning.

Will you be there?

Yes, if you can convince Papa.

We can have a few hours of happiness and then...

Maybe we can
go into overtime.

Here, take this.

Does it hurt?

No.

In fact, it feels so good I might sprain the other one.

Tell me, why didn't the champagne work?

Maybe he didn't drink it.

What a magnificent deduction!

Go to his room and search it thoroughly.

Yes, sir.

Al? Sir?

We may be going on a little trip.

Well, have the vehicles ready, if you please.

Right. Oh.

And we'll need a few things.

A pistol, a silencer, a hypodermic needle,

chloroform
and a very sharp knife.
Do you understand?

Yes, sir. Right. Go.

Anybody home?

Come in, my friend, the door is always open.

I hope
I'm not interrupting
your good work.

Not at all, my son.

Will there be
anything else,
Doctor?

Yes, bring two shovels.

We may want to plant something.

What can I do for you, my friend?

Oh, I'm Matt Merriwether.

Not the Matt Merriwether? Mr. Africa!

I'm deeply honored that you should visit me, sir.

Well, I've heard
wonderful reports
of your work, Doctor,

and I was hoping
we might join forces.

No, I'm afraid not. No, I'm afraid not.

You see, you are a man of violence, a great hunter.

I am a man of peace.

Yes, but you know
the natives

and the jungle and the animals.

We could share our knowledge.

Mr. Merriwether,
I must be practical.

I cannot return
to my jungle friends

without the necessary
medical supplies

and equipment
that are so
desperately needed.

I must remain here
and raise funds.

Oh, but I could help.

Oh, no, I couldn't
ask you to do that.

Oh, I could.
Here, look.

What? Here's a hundred.

What? Here, two hundred.

What? I've got some travelers checks here.

Are you on the Diner's Club?

What can I say?

How can I ever
repay you?

Well, your good work will be my reward.

True, how very true.

♪ All things
bright and beautiful

Do you know this? No, but I'll hum along.

♪ All creatures
great and small

♪ Scoobie roobie doobie

♪ All things
wise and wonderful ♪

Oh, I was just straightening up your room, sir.

The service is great here,
except for the champagne.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Maybe I over-tipped.

Hello, room service?

Send up a room.

One without doors
and windows.

In concrete
if you've got it.

No, I won't be
ordering breakfast.

I have my own
cyanide pills.

They're fat free.

Yeah, really.

Boy, I'm glad
I locked my suitcase.

Now, I am nervous.

This was cut
from the inside.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Uta. UTA: Ma'am.

Who is that
elderly man?

He's the father of the woman who arrived yesterday.

They are coming with us.

Oh, I doubt that.

Why, Mr. Merriwether
wouldn't jeopardize
this mission

by asking strangers.

The woman is very beautiful.

Mr. Merriwether
is very dedicated.

Soon we'll find out exactly what he is dedicated to.

It's a lovely morning
for a safari.

You're lucky it was
only the second floor.

You had good fortune, too.

He fell for your absurd little scheme.

Oh, when a man
desires a woman,

luck does not
enter into it.

Oh?

MAN: Good morning, Bwana. WOMAN: Good morning, Mr. Bwana.

Good morning,
civilians.

Did you
sleep well, Papa?

Oh, yes, very well, my child. Thank you for asking.

Ah! Good morning, Pops. Good morning.

Got your pills
all packed?

I've got everything I need, thank you.Oh, wonderful.

How are you, Luba? Wonderful, Matt.

You haven't changed
your mind of
taking me along?

Did Columbus
change his mind?

Would you get those
loaded, please? Yes, Ma'am.

MATT: Oh, pardon me.

Would you load those
on the big truck?

PORTER: Yes, Ma'am. Frederica, please?

Miss Larsen, this is Doctor Mungo and his daughter.

How do you do? How do you do?

They're going to join
our little outing.Oh?

Yes, the Doctor's
coming along
to look after me.

Precisely.

And Miss Mungo is
a student of Africa.

I'm going to teach her what little I know.

Oh, I'm sure she'll be
a very apt student.

If I become a nuisance, Miss Larsen, you will let me know.

You can count on that.

Thank you.

Well, I'm glad to see you girls hit it off so well.

FREDERICA: Don't you want
to check the loading
of the equipment?

Oh, yes, in these things I trust no one, I brook no incompetency.

Pardonnez-moi.

Come on, Papa,
let's go outside.

Hey, Buka-Buka.

Right away, Bwana.

What did he say? Who knows?

Is everything set?

Oh, I had to straighten
out a couple of the kids.

Honey, you ride with me.

If things get rough,
I want you close.

You're in charge.
I obey orders
without question.

Good girl.
I'll try not to
take advantage.

She's just a kid.
Somebody has to
look after her.

You ride with Uta. You're in charge.

I obey orders without question.

Okay, mount vehicles!

Start motors!

Charge!

Sunday drivers!

I'll be back in a minute.

Shall I fill her up?

I already did.

It's an old custom of Mother's.

She always made us go before we went.

Forward, ho!

Are they dangerous?

Only to girl zebras.

They're good eating.

The choice cuts are all marked off.

Oh, how wonderful it is
to be out on safari.

I feel as though
layers of civilization

were being
peeled off me.

Yeah, I feel the call of the wild myself.

What's the matter?
Is anything wrong?

No, nothing at all.

I just want to check this detour.

I was right,
it's the right fork.

Forward, ho!

Forward, ho!

Forward, ho!

MAN: Forward, ho!

Matt, why did you
turn right?

Instinct, my dear. Instinct.

But Uta says
the Ekele country
is left.

Are you going to
listen to every Tom,
Dick and Uta?

Has it occurred to you we're being followed?

I'm using the old hunter's technique.

If you're visiting a girl on the third floor,

take the elevator
to the fourth

and walk down
one flight.

And put the radio
on loud.

Yeah.

Uta!

Any orders, Bwana?We've got to mush on.

Get the men
to work here.

Yes, Bwana.To hack a way.

Pacey on the double.

Well, don't stand there. Take pictures.

All right, men, move in.

Yeah, move in.
Take a big
dividend there.

I don't get it.
What's he using
that road for?

Come on,
we'll take
the easy way.

Hey, hey,
give me that.
We'll take turns.

Hey, Clyde, your turn.

Pacey! Pacey!

Yeah.

Oh. Ah, I was just trying to get

my favorite
disc jockey.

Unga Doola and his music to chew by.

Forgive me for
following you,

but when I turn around
and you're not there,
I get frightened.

Yeah, now I'm frightened.

Oh, hi, Dad.

Nice little monument you've built here.

You should get the Nobel Prize for architecture.

Yes, she's a good
little girl.

Come on,
let's look here.

Why is he going in that direction?

It'll take hours to cut through.

Either he's very
clever or very stupid.

Well, he looks stupid. But he acts clever.

What do you think?

I'll let you know
after the autopsy.

MATT: All right, faster, men.

There'll be an extra ration of grog for all hands.

UTA: Here, pacey, pacey.

MAN: Stampede!

Wait. What?
What is it?

Elephant stampede!

Elephants?
In this country?

Hey! When did
they think of that?

What are you doing here?

Oh, just checking the oil.

Come on, let's get out of here.

But this is
what you came for.

You might find
your rogue elephant.

Not if we hurry. Come on.

Yeah, you're right. You're absolutely right.

This is the chance
of a lifetime.

Yeah, boy, if I could only find my rifle.

It's in your hand.

No wonder I couldn't find it.

You dirty...

Hello, baby.
Hello, babe.

I don't want to be
vacuum-cleaned.

I don't think
this is a fair dual.

I...

Hello!

And they call me snorkel.
Well, I'm glad to see you.

Think we're related, huh?

LUBA: Matt!

Matt, are you
all right?

Oh, I was just
grazed by his tusks.

Seven feet
of piano keys.

But why didn't you
shoot him?

The cowardly beggar
turned his back.

Sometimes I hate
myself for being
such a goody-goody.

We've gotta push on.

Right, push!

Hey, Pop, come on.

Forward, ho!

FREDERICA: Matt!

Matt. Matt?

Mmm?

Yeah? Oh, come in.

Oh, there's nothing so exhilarating

as a day
on the trail.

I'm bushed.

I don't understand
the route we took today.

Yeah, I think
we've thrown them
off the track.

Now, tomorrow,
we start off in
this direction.

Oh, but that's where
we just came from.

No, you're looking at the wrong finger.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sometimes, I'm...
I'm so stupid.

Yeah, we all
make mistakes.

Do you think it's wise to let Doctor Mungo and his daughter

continue on with us?

You know, I didn't have time for a complete security check.

That's good thinking.
I'll do a little
investigating right now.

You know, there's just something about her that's false.

Yeah, I'll check
everything.

He's carrying
a small instrument
around his neck.

I'm sure this is
going to lead us
to the capsule.

If we remove his head, it will come off easily.

Hello, there.
Are you up?

Uh, just a moment.

No violence,
I'm sure we'll get it
quicker my way.

Hmm? Get out.

I beg your pardon?

Get out!
Quick, quick, quick.What?

Not again! Really,
this is most...

Uh, come in.

Luba, I want to...

I'll come back later. Wait.

You are amazing.

How many men would have
your strength of character?

None, including me.

I wonder how much
longer I am going

to be able to fight
this strange feeling

that is overwhelming me.

Well, don't fight it. You're hooked. We'll cure it slowly.

Hand me that robe
on the cot, please?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You'd better sit down.

I'd better lie down.

Oh, you ripped your leg,
let me sew it up for you.

Uh, just sew
the pants, huh?

I'll work on
the leg later.

Funny, I never pictured you with a needle and thread.

How did you
picture me, then?

On a calendar.

You are a naughty boy.

Thanks for the "boy."

Have you got a needle?

Would you believe it? I don't even have a haystack.

Oh, here is one.

Oh, no, not that. Lie down.

No, wait a minute,
let me explain. Oh!

Oh. Oh.

Are you ticklish in this area?

Oh, one touch
and I get hysterical.

Be careful or I'll stick you.

Oh, never mind the rip
I like casual clothes.

Forget it.

Are you embarrassed in this position?

Well, frankly,
it's not my best side.

Now, if I do stick you, scream.

Oh, I may not
have time.

Funny, yesterday I never dreamt that,

tonight, you'd be lying on my bed

and me sewing your trousers.

Yeah? Well,
that's life.

Two people meet
and the next thing
you know, ooh, "goodbye."

Darling, keep still. Ooh, ooh.

It was only my fingernail.

Boy, when you
call me "darling,"

I feel like I'm going
to be alive again.

Ooh! What was that?
What... What was that?

I just bit off
the thread.

Where's the needle?

Here it is.

It's still a little drafty.

Thank you.

You'd better go, Matt.

When you kiss me,
my senses reel.

I feel intoxicated.

I'll hang around until you sober up.

Let's turn this on,

maybe Unga Doola
has got some music.

No, it's no use, it's not working.

You're all the music I want.

You're a beautiful symphony with a crazy beat.

Beneath that
hard surface,
you are a poet.

Yeah, beneath that, a man.

And beneath that...

Say good night
and go quickly.

Good night.

How did that happen?

Do we have Mr. Merriwether's little roommate?

Right here.

Oh.

Beautiful. And like all females, deadly.

HENCHMAN 2: But,
Luba said no violence.

Oh, no violence, no.
Just an accident.

We can hardly
be held responsible

for the actions of our little jungle friends.

But she's in command.

For the moment, yes.

But once I get the electronic device from his lifeless body,

there may be some changes.

Ooh.

HENCHMAN 1: I think
he's gone to bed.

Come on.

Come on.

MATT: Despite the heat and
the ever-present dangers,

I managed to move
the safari deep into
the impenetrable jungle.

My knowledge
of this vast waste land

and my infallible
sense of direction

enabled me
to find my way

where no man,
white or savage,
had previously trod.

I like that.

MAN: Fore!

Fore?

"Arnold Palmer,
number two"?

Pardon me.
Have you seen a ball?

Oh, there it is.

Pretty tough lie.

Hey, you look familiar.

I'm Arnold Palmer.

Arnold Palmer, the world-famous golfer?

I'm Matt Merriwether, world-famous...

Hey, but what are you doing out here in this impenetrable jungle

where no man, white or savage, has previously trod?

"Where no man,
white or savage,
has previously trod"?

How about that?

It's first time I ever
shanked a whole safari
out of bounds.

Are you a golfer?

I happen to be
a scratch player.

In this jungle, who isn't?

Yeah.

Would you like to hit a few?

Have you got
any clubs for me?

Boy!

Bring Mr. Merriwether some clubs.

What's that, a member?

That's a zebra.

Yeah, I know.

Sport model jackass.

This is yours, sir.

For me?

Mmm, that's right.

Isn't that nice,
a matched set.

A feller by the name of Crosby left those here.

Figures.

Huh, I knew
he was slicing,

but I didn't know
it was this far.

Yeah, they're Bing's,
all right.

Is stiff enough for you?

A little too nervous.

Just hope
I can catch it.

Ah!

Does this come
with a splint?

Well, if it breaks, your swing isn't right.

Ah, that's better,
that goes back
to my game.

That's one of our later models.

Yeah, I hope
the Flintstones don't
ask for this back.

That's a beautiful shot if you can find it.

Let's see you
strike one.

All right.

Someone's a sneak,
a cheat and a poor sport.

Let's play it fast,
before we find out
who it is.

Kid, I think I know what your trouble is.

Trouble?

That ball went
over 300 yards.

Well, if you're happy with that kind of putting,

don't let me
spoil it for you.

Here, let me show you how the low handicapped player does it.

Maybe a little soft shaft
for me, but...

It looks like
a coffee break
at Disneyland.

Well, let's pick
out a steak.

It's slicing.

Going behind a tree.

Hey, that's a
powerful headwind.

It sure is.

Fore!

Taking notes?

They landed
here somewhere.

Shoo, shoo, shoo!
Shoo, shoo, shoo!

Biggest turkeys
I've ever seen.

Hey, Arnie! Yeah?

Here you are,
I've found them.

Oh, good.

Mine's on the fairway, there's your ball.

Oh?

Oh, that's your ball.

What?

It hasn't got
my name on it.

Yeah, yeah.

Guess that's mine
out on the fairway.

How about that
for luck?

Yeah. Yeah,
how about that?

No, no, no.

How many times have I told you

it's got to look like an accident?

Put that wretched thing away.

MATT: Fore!

There they go again.

What a stupid game it is, anyway. Come on.

Oh, there you are.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

It must be
a painter's picnic.

Hey, wait a minute. Where are you going?

I'm chasing her.

Yeah, but why are you
carrying two buckets
of sand?

Oh, I caught her yesterday,
this is my handicap.

Well, that's
a crazy game.

Tell me something. What's that?

If he catches her,
who gets to
keep the sand?

Well, I imagine...
I...

Hmm.

Hey, hey,
wait a minute.

Hey, look,
the hole's over there.

You don't know
the break.

Yeah, but... But you can't...

Fooled me.
I thought it broke
to the left.

Back again, huh?

You just take it easy.

Don't panic, anybody.
Just take cover.

I'll handle this myself.

Ha!

Don't you want your gun bearers?

No, just a kiss
for good luck.

Here, baby.

Come on, baby.
Come on, baby.

What have you
been eating?

Steady! We were
just friends.

Oh, it was horrible.

It was terrible.
That poor beast!

I couldn't stand
to see him suffer.

Shall we send a porter
back for the tusks?

No, they're coming special delivery.

Do you read me?

Do you read me?

The most dangerous woman in Europe has brought him nothing but happiness.

He's gained weight.

He thrives on her love-making.

Yes, sir.
I will tell her.

I will tell her.

I must go now. Roger and out.

Good evening, Mr. Merriwether.

Oh, hiya, Pops.

Do you like Bach?

Oh, I'm not fussy.
I'll drink anything.

Luba's gone for a little walk.

I'm sure she'd be pleased if you joined her.

A walk? Where?

Down the little path behind me.

Oh, thank you.

My pleasure entirely.

Luba.

Luba!

Luba!

Oh!

Luba!

Shoo, shoo.
Go on, go on, go on.

Help!

Are you all right?

Fred, you better
get out of here,

you're liable
to get hurt.

Well, it's...
It's not broken.

I think it's just
stretched a little.

That's what I've always wanted, a long, thin ankle.

Somebody's after you.

And I think it's
that Doctor Mungo and
his so-called daughter.

Have you flipped
your badge?

That sweet old man is just here to carry on his good work.

And as for Luba, you can't knock what she's doing.

Oh, no,
but they'll still
have to be watched.

Fine. You watch him and I'll watch her.

Well, why didn't
you say so?

There's room in my life
for both of you.

I just wanted
to get this.

Oh!

Well, keep it
in a safe place.

Oh, I will.

Yeah, that's the place.

No one but a cad would think of looking there.

Oh, what's this for?

It's a fake.
It's just an ordinary
radio in there.

Oh, great!

Now I'll be able to hear my own funeral march.

I'm sorry.
I could swear
I heard something.

It must be tonight.

And remember,
if your kisses
fail this time,

it'll be this.

He will laugh at your dagger,

as he has laughed at all your other clumsy attempts.

And your kisses?

He's treating
this entire trip

like a ride through
the tunnel of love.

Hmm.

History has proven that the arms of a woman

can be more dangerous than the mightiest of cannons.

We shall see.
Go and make history.

COMMENTATOR OVER RADIO:
Jack Howard
is galloping back,

back he stumbles,
but comes up
with the ball,

and that does it.

The Dodgers win it
six to three.

As for the Giants,
five hits and one error.

For the Dodgers,
ten hits and no errors.

We'll be back
with the line-ups of
the second game

of our big double header,
in a moment.

But first, a word
from our sponsors.

LUBA: Matt!

Come in.

Oh!

Oh, do you mind if I don't get up?

I'll be back later. No, come here, come here.

Sit down.

The bubbles will keep me covered.

I use Jungle Jasmine.

What would Papa say
if he could see us now?

After these few days
in the jungle with you,

my discretion
has collapsed.

Well, everything else seems to be holding up.

I feel, somehow,
you are on a mission

of greater importance
than a mere elephant.

What leads you to a wild, fantastic thought like that?

I can see in your eyes
what your lips can't say.

Yeah, yeah. I have very expressive eyes.

They're my curse.

Look, I want to ask you something.

Something I've never asked any other woman.

Anything. I can't
say no to you.

Would you scrub my back?

What lovely broad
shoulders you've got.

Yeah, and I'm not
even flexed.

Oh! Oh, that does it.

Oh, you found
my fun spot.

Ooh!

Darling... Ooh, yes, yes.

Close your eyes, relax.

What else is there
to see?

Ooh!

Are they closed?

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, it feels like...

It does.

Matt... Hmm?

If I stay any longer, I can't control myself.

Oh, poor kid.

I've got to start
taking ugly pills.

♪ All things
bright and beautiful

♪ All creatures
large and small ♪

Oh. Oh, you came back, huh?

Don't fight it, baby.
It's bigger
than both of us.

Oh.
Oh, you're getting so good.

Take two quid out
of petty cash.

Oh. Oh, I love that.
You're a good girl.

Oh. You're...

Say, Frederica! Yes?

Say, there's a lion
in my tent.

Yes, I know, I saw her go in.

No, not Luba, a lion lion.

With teeth and a tail and all those extras.

Oh, come on,
sit down.

I'll get you
a cold compress. I'm all right.

The lion is the... Yes, yes, I know.

Just sit still, calm down.

What was that? FREDERICA: Just the water.

Oh, water.

I thought the lion
was taking a shower.

It is transmitting,
but probably in code.

Listen.

COMMENTATOR OVER RADIO:
...worth watching for
a brilliant two count.

And with Williams
dancing off first.

Watson threw a slider
that missed the corner,

and that's with
the two fastest running men
in the league on base.

MAN OVER TRANSMITTER:
What's going on there?

This is what
the femme fatale
you sent gave me.

Yes, sir,
I'm sorry, sir.

Yes, of course, sir.
Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. Roger.

And Wilco.

He's in the bathtub.

Have you got
the chloroform?

Yeah. Right here.

Right. Have you got the blanket?

Now, you remember what to do.

Right.

HENCHMAN 1: Hurry up, get it on his nose.

HENCHMAN 2:
Oh, yes, yes.

Come on, then.

He's strong as a lion.

Hurry, hurry. He's pretty hairy, isn't he?

Pick him up. Come on, you got him?

Yeah, yeah.

Come on, then.

He sure got
heavy legs.

You got his legs?

Yeah. Funny, me, too.

Hi, Pops. Good evening.

Wait a minute.

Set that down a moment.

Set that thing down.

What do we do now?

I think we ought
to have a little meeting.

To what do I owe
this pleasure?

Well, Luba's Dad wasn't feeling well, so she's riding with him.

Wonderful girl, all heart.

Bwana. Huh?

Miss Mungo and her father turned off at the last fork.

Turned off?

We're entering
Ekele country.

They're racing us
for the capsule.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Doc must have
felt worse.

I'd better go back
and see... Matt, listen.

We can't
turn back now.

But, I...
I can't leave Luba.

We're almost there.
Victory is
within our grasp.

Yeah, I was
pretty close myself.

Look, Uta,
you'd better go back

and see if
you can find them.

Right, Bwana.

I can't understand that.

Matt! Huh?

Is this
the Ekele village?

MATT: It must be.

It's hard to tell, there's so much new building going on.

Well, we're lucky
the capsule landed
in a place

where you're
so well-known.

Oh, it doesn't matter too much.

Ekele, Brooklyn, Liverpool.

I have friends everywhere.

But aren't you going
to signal them

to let them know
you're here?

Signal?

No, I figure we just grab the capsule and go, you know.

If I show up, they make such a fuss, you know.

Parties, dance at the country club, cookouts.

But in your book
you said

that unless they saw
your smoke signal

they'd attack with
poisoned blowguns.

Yeah, well, sometimes authors exaggerate a little, you know how...

Oh, those blowgun aren't filter-tipped.

No signals, huh?

Cookie,
you and the boys
get some wood.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh.

How.

Shalom.

Think fast.

I bring you greetings from President Kennedy.

Bobby Kennedy?

Teddy Kennedy?

Jackie?

Caroline?

Peter Lawford?

Frank Sinatra?

These guys must
be Republicans.

They don't seem
to know you.

Oh, that's ridiculous. They must know me.

I'm in the Yellow Pages.

Check the map, we might be in Ekele, Texas.

Oh.

Please, no brain surgery
without a license.

The capsule.

Oh, yeah.

Say, have you chaps,
by any chance, seen a...

Oh, maybe they've
seen the capsule

or they like
balloon-shaped girls.

I'm warning you.
You come any closer and...

No more foreign aid.

Easy, boys, easy.

Matt! The capsule!

They're worshipping it.

Maybe they found out
what it cost.

You've got a lot to learn about being a host, you know.

You don't have to
gift wrap me.

I'd have come in anyway.

What's this?
Second leg?

Take me to your leader. Get me a lawyer.

I'll have
your jobs for this.

Put me down.

I said, put me down.

Not this far down.

What kind of
a party is this?

I'm sorry about this, Fred.

Well, at least
we're not alone.

Luba!

What are you doing here?

We got lost,
stopped to ask
for directions and...

Just happened
to stumble
onto the capsule.

I told you they were
enemy agents.

Let Luba talk
for herself.

Matt, what she says was true in the beginning.

But it's not now.

Oh, that's beautiful!

While dear Papa was trying to get me from behind,

you were attacking from the front.

You make these savages look like Boy Scouts.

Matt, darling!

Don't "darling" me.

Stop this bickering.

These people are going
to kill us.

Isn't there anything
we can do?

Well, I suggest
we start praying.

You can.
We're not allowed to.

We don't have to take this, we're American citizens.

Get me the U.S. Ambassador!

Get me the White House!

I demand my rights!

See? All you have to do is call their bluff.

Now, you listen to me!

Water, water!

Well, at least
the service isn't bad.

What was that
all about?

I think they're shopping for dinner.

I hope I'm not ripe.

MATT: Oh, no,
wait a minute.

Oh, not me.
I'm too young to die.
Take him.

Wait a minute,
it's Friday,

you're supposed
to eat fish.

LUBA: Goodbye, Matt.

I meant what I said
last night.

Oh, swell. You can
shed a few tears
in my gravy.

Mr. Merriwether?

Yes.

Trader Merriwether's son?

I'm his nephew.

Welcome, welcome.

We have waited
a long time
for this honor.

Well, it's a pleasure to be here in Unc's hometown.

My son.
My daughter.

And assorted
crooked politicians.

It's nice to meet your family.

Ekele, fastest growing
village in Africa,

is happy to welcome
brave explorer,
author and friend,

Matt Merriwether.

What's that all about?

Wonderful excuse to
have a national holiday.

Real Boondoggle.

Oh, Boondoggle.Yeah.

Today, you will take
your Uncle's place

as a member of
the Ekele Tribe.

Hey, I don't know how to thank you.

Please.

Say, maybe I can return the favor.

How about me taking that big iron bird out of your back yard?

I notice it's blocking the driveway.

No. New totem
fall from sky.

Big tourist attraction.

Yeah, I notice. It certainly packed the house today.

Maybe you'd like to trade it in on a newer model.

You know, something with a 21-inch screen.

Matt, don't go near it.

Two of your people
meddled with it.

You see them at
the execution tonight.

Execution!

You mean you'd kill anyone who...

With music.

Nothing personal
or malicious,

just part of
our culture.

Chief, if you release them, I'll personally guarantee

that nobody will make any more passes at your sacred totem.

Okay, if you vouch
for them.

Papa.

You interested in
marrying a nice girl?

Not raving beauty,
but old man loaded.

Yeah, well, I'd like to accommodate you, Chief,

but I've already been spoken for.

A social worker back home, I'll tell you.

No hard feeling,

but this one
is pretty tough
to palm off.

Yeah, well, maybe she'll meet a nice young witch doctor

who's just starting to practice or something.

Hope so.

Witch doctor
for a son-in-law,

big status symbol
in the jungle.

May I go now?

Ah, yes,
but of course.

LUBA: Oh, Matt, it's a miracle.

How did you do it?

As soon as
they found out who I was,
they begged for mercy.

You didn't tell them
about the capsule?

No, I think
I better cool it

until I'm officially
a member of the tribe.

A member of the tribe?

Yeah, with all
the trimmings.

A big dinner
dance tonight.

Some sort of
Boondoggle ceremony
this afternoon.

Oh no, Matt. No, not the Boondoggle.

It's a test of death.

Oh, well, maybe I'd better tell them I'm not much of a joiner.

And insult them?

Well, that means
instant death.

You make everything
sound so good.

Matt, I've no right to say this,

but, please, do be careful.

After a lifetime
of fearlessness,
it won't be easy.

This is your first test
of bravery.

He will throw spears
close to you.

The closer they come
the braver you are.

But if you move,
you lose face.

And if I don't move, I won't need a face.

What happened to these kids?

Did they move?

No. Bad spear thrower.

Well, who's
throwing today?

Same boy.Huh?

But he's been
practicing.

Oh. Well, that's good.

Matt, you were wonderful.

I'm proud of you.

Ah, just a mass of bravery.

On to the test by fire.

Then you're one
of the tribe.

Ah, wonderful meal, Chief.

So glad you liked it.
Baked baboon
is my favorite.

Yup.

Oh, was that
baked baboon?

And thank you for
your delicious wine.

Great.

As soon as he finishes
my shaving lotion,

we'll ask him
about the capsule.

Go, Chief, go.

Excuse me.

Where are you going?

I'd better keep an eye on Papa.

Shall we dance, Matt?

Oh, I thought you'd never ask.

Will you pardon us, Chief?

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Yeah. Don't get anything on you.

That will be all,
my dear.

Look at that bird.

Dig that cat.

Matt, I've enjoyed knowing you,

no matter what happens.

Yeah, but what's
going to happen?

This dance isn't
that dangerous.

Ezra is. He's going
after the capsule tonight.

Yeah, but why are
you telling me this?

Because, if he takes it, what will happen to you when the Chief finds out?

Baked Merriwether.

Uh-oh.

Don't ask questions.
Just do what I do.

Let me do the...
Oh, sorry.

Let me do the talking.

Okay, okay. Nookie-nookie.
Poom-poom. That a-way.

Luba!

What?

You startled me.

HENCHMAN 1: Hold it.

Okay, try her again.

Come on.

See if you can find me
a bigger log.

Come on, man,
stop dawdling,
get on with it.

Take it easy
this time.

Move it. In here?

Huh? All right.

Gentlemen, the enemy is behind us.

Merriwether and Luba
jumped on the truck.

They got
in the capsule.

Ah, there they are.
How convenient!

Bon voyage!

The Ekeles will
take care of that part
of the job.

Come on, we've got
everything we want.

Oh.

It's no use,
we're locked in.

That's what I like, a padded cell. Oh.

Matt, I can't
breathe in here.

Boy, if you can't, we're really in trouble.

There must be
an oxygen tank
here somewhere.

I think we've
got something here.

What button
did I push?

I don't know.

I'll try this one.

Oh!

LUBA: Mmm.

Maybe you'd better
press another button.

Yeah!

I must remember
those buttons.

This one goes right, this one goes left.

This one goes forward.

I wonder what
this one does?

Oh, Matt,
we're going backwards.

Yeah. This will fix it.

My real name is Lolita, you see.

And I was about 12 at the time.

I was a well developed child, of course,

but then I've always been forward for my age.

I didn't really think anything about it...

Well, as I was saying, I didn't really think anything about it.

I was deprived
at childhood.

What's this?

Hey, look.

Oh, Matt, turn left.

LUBA: Left! Right! Right!
Right! Right! Right!

Oh!Oh, I...

I give up, you push something.

Red Alert,
top priority.

Unidentified object
heading this way.

It must be ours.
It's locked in
on our range.

Yes, sir.

OFFICER: Yes, sir.

I know it's
impossible, sir.

The impossible's
going to happen

in two minutes
thirty-two seconds.

We'd like to report
to Washington immediately.

In that outfit?

What do you
want me to do?
Wait for Thanksgiving?

Mr. Merriwether,

congratulations on a magnificent and heroic achievement.

On behalf of the United States...

Yeah, that's fine,
Colonel,

but I want you
to do something,
it's very urgent.

You see,
I left a CIA agent
over in the jungle.

Fred Larsen?

That's all right, we've got a message from Makuta.

She's safe and sound.

Oh, that's
wonderful, Colonel.

And now I'd like to
explain this lovely
young stranger

who came over
to our side.

No explanation necessary,
Mr. Merriwether.

Every move you made
in the capsule
was watched

by tracking stations
all over the world.

Yeah, well...

You mean it was on television?

Everything?

Everything.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

You make the most wonderful breakfast, darling.

Call me Bwana.

Oh, it's time
for his 6:00 feed.

Let me do it.

Baby,
Daddy's coming.

You're wrong, he's adopted.

♪ In the heart of
jungle territory

♪ They call me Bwana

♪ From Kilimanjaro
down to the sea

♪ They call me Bwana

♪ When the natives
see me coming

♪ All the drummers
start a drumming

♪ A ceremonial welcome
for me, Bwana

♪ All the village maidens
fall at my feet

♪ They call me Bwana

♪ Then they started twisting
primitive beats, Americana

♪ Who can think
about safari

♪ While the jungle nights
are starry

♪ And the air is filled
with passionate heat

♪ Bwana manana