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Broadcast TV Family Night
may now commence.
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00:00:06,102 --> 00:00:08,102
All the content you can stream online,
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00:00:08,104 --> 00:00:10,171
plus you get the commercials for free.
4
00:00:10,173 --> 00:00:11,873
I heard there's a new ad for Lincoln
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00:00:11,875 --> 00:00:14,842
where Matthew McConaughey
just turns into a gentle breeze
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00:00:14,844 --> 00:00:17,411
and moves through a wheat field.
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I present, for your Epicurean pleasure,
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The Popcorn Bar,
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complete with artisanal
butters and toppings.
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00:00:24,254 --> 00:00:25,787
The popcorn's in glasses?
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00:00:25,789 --> 00:00:26,798
We're not dukes!
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00:00:26,854 --> 00:00:28,322
Can't we just have it the normal way,
13
00:00:28,323 --> 00:00:29,591
folded up in our shirts?
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00:00:29,593 --> 00:00:31,259
You can eat it any way you...
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00:00:31,261 --> 00:00:32,860
And where are all the un-popped kernels?
16
00:00:32,862 --> 00:00:34,796
I'm just supposed to munch away happily
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00:00:34,798 --> 00:00:36,564
without the risk of breaking a tooth?
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00:00:36,566 --> 00:00:39,801
Risk equals reward, Steve!
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00:00:39,803 --> 00:00:41,235
We interrupt this silent film
20
00:00:41,237 --> 00:00:43,137
to bring you a high-speed pursuit.
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00:00:43,139 --> 00:00:45,139
A warning for our more
sensitive viewers...
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00:00:45,141 --> 00:00:47,809
So far, this chase has been badass.
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00:00:47,811 --> 00:00:49,443
It's not déjà vu, folks.
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00:00:49,445 --> 00:00:51,913
You're looking at the white Ford Bronco
25
00:00:51,915 --> 00:00:54,416
previously owned by O. J. Simpson
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00:00:54,418 --> 00:00:56,084
and stolen this evening
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00:00:56,086 --> 00:00:59,321
from the Metropolitan Museum
of Sports Memorabilia.
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00:00:59,323 --> 00:01:01,122
Stan, your dad!
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00:01:01,124 --> 00:01:04,626
The driver has now been
identified as Jack Smith,
30
00:01:04,628 --> 00:01:06,294
former jewel thief, bus driver,
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and seasonal evil spirit of Christmas.
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Oh, here we go!
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Oh, they got him!
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They got him! Yes!
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Right in the face!
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Obviously, a tragic end here.
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At a time like this, you just hope
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00:01:27,784 --> 00:01:29,651
The Juice isn't watching.
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Oh, my God!
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There is so much popcorn on the floor!
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This is why we need a dog, Francine.
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♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
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♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
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00:01:48,071 --> 00:01:51,172
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
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00:01:51,174 --> 00:01:55,877
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
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00:01:57,614 --> 00:02:00,949
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
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- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
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00:02:03,487 --> 00:02:04,719
Aah!
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♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
50
00:02:11,489 --> 00:02:12,861
Anyway, if you drop an octave,
51
00:02:12,871 --> 00:02:14,929
it might help you sound less
like your mother on the phone.
52
00:02:14,931 --> 00:02:17,765
Why do you have to nitpick
every little thing I do?
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00:02:17,767 --> 00:02:19,467
I'm helping you become a man.
54
00:02:19,469 --> 00:02:22,904
This is what my father did for
me and his father did for him.
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I'm gonna make a man out of you.
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Or die trying!
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Aah!
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Oh, what a nightmare.
59
00:02:30,714 --> 00:02:32,414
Need something to calm my nerves.
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00:02:32,416 --> 00:02:36,518
Perhaps some step-sibling porn
on the ol' kitchen desktop.
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Oh, you're up, too.
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00:02:39,155 --> 00:02:40,855
It's your grandpa's funeral.
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There are so many little details.
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Should we wait for Hayley and Jeff
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00:02:44,194 --> 00:02:45,793
to come back from their camping trip?
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00:02:45,795 --> 00:02:47,929
Oh, gosh, Hayley.
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00:02:47,931 --> 00:02:50,064
How 'bout we take lots of pictures,
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00:02:50,066 --> 00:02:52,800
and if she ever finds out,
we show them to her.
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Smart.
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00:02:53,870 --> 00:02:56,238
Okay, imagine you're at the funeral.
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00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:57,739
You're, what, sad?
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00:02:57,741 --> 00:02:59,841
But you're also hungry.
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- I...
- Bagel bites!
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Yes!
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This funeral's really coming together!
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00:03:04,748 --> 00:03:06,580
Shouldn't Dad be helping with this?
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Oh, no! I'm having fun.
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00:03:09,152 --> 00:03:10,985
Plus, your dad's been spinning out
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00:03:10,987 --> 00:03:14,556
since he saw Grandpa Jack
get shot to pieces on TV.
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Dad! It's 2:00 a.m.!
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00:03:20,697 --> 00:03:21,829
Jack who?
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He didn't say anything about Jack.
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00:03:23,467 --> 00:03:25,900
Don't these kids have
school in the morning?
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I'm not avoiding anything.
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00:03:27,070 --> 00:03:29,704
Can... Can you stop for a second?!
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I-I had a bad dream!
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00:03:34,044 --> 00:03:35,610
Steve, you're killing the vibe here.
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This isn't really your scene.
These kids are cool.
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00:03:37,881 --> 00:03:40,081
Stan, put down your big guitar
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00:03:40,083 --> 00:03:42,584
and talk to your son about your dad.
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00:03:42,586 --> 00:03:45,620
No! You knew I was all about
the music when you married me.
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00:03:45,622 --> 00:03:47,889
Now, if you'll excuse me,
me and my band, Fetus,
93
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have to get back to jacking...
get... get jack to jamming...
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My dad hated me... back to jamming!
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00:03:53,163 --> 00:03:55,197
Guys, play "Had a Dad"!
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Ahhhhh, wubawuba!
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00:04:07,061 --> 00:04:08,893
What's going on?
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It's officially our anniversary.
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00:04:11,431 --> 00:04:12,864
I got you something.
100
00:04:12,866 --> 00:04:17,035
It's long and hard and
it's in my sleeping bag.
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Surprise!
102
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You bought me...
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an oar?
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Found you. Do you like it?
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00:04:25,011 --> 00:04:26,521
Do I like it?
106
00:04:28,382 --> 00:04:30,782
- An oar?!
- An oar!
107
00:04:30,784 --> 00:04:32,417
Great minds, right?!
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We're the great minds!
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00:04:38,024 --> 00:04:41,593
I can't wait to get this home
and really see what it can do.
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00:04:41,595 --> 00:04:43,061
The sky's the limit!
111
00:04:43,063 --> 00:04:45,329
We could scoot pizzas
into those big ovens!
112
00:04:45,331 --> 00:04:47,866
Or we could stir a giant tub of yogurt!
113
00:04:47,868 --> 00:04:50,435
Or we could paddle out on the river!
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Totally.
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But first, oar fight!
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Alright!
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Now we can go canoeing.
118
00:05:01,813 --> 00:05:04,163
- Bagel bite?
- Hell, yeah!
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I gotta say I'm loving this funeral,
Frannie.
120
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It's a hit!
121
00:05:07,635 --> 00:05:09,435
It's fun, right?
122
00:05:09,437 --> 00:05:10,636
Dad still isn't here.
123
00:05:10,638 --> 00:05:11,737
Start without him.
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That feels weird.
125
00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:16,242
It's my day,
and we start when I stay we start!
126
00:05:18,245 --> 00:05:20,379
Thank you for joining us today.
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00:05:20,381 --> 00:05:21,981
My Grandpa Jack was...
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Ahhhh, wubawuba!
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- Oh, he had a breakfast gig.
- Stop!
130
00:05:31,659 --> 00:05:32,992
I said stop, Jeremy!
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Are you kidding me?!
You rushed the verse!
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- Sorry.
- Apology not accepted, Jeremy.
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You left us back there!
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You le... You left me!
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00:05:41,903 --> 00:05:43,836
You just sped away!
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I was a little kid, man!
137
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What?
138
00:05:47,008 --> 00:05:49,074
I was never good enough for you,
and, boy,
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did you let me know it!
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You ruined everything!
141
00:05:52,279 --> 00:05:54,147
Jeremy!
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Jeremy!
143
00:06:04,025 --> 00:06:07,192
No, no, no, no, no, Jeremy!
144
00:06:07,194 --> 00:06:10,730
Wow. Jeremy really [BLEEP] up.
145
00:06:14,892 --> 00:06:18,604
Maybe we can lure him out
of the van with a surprise.
146
00:06:18,606 --> 00:06:20,073
What does Stan like?
147
00:06:20,075 --> 00:06:22,075
Ooh, how about a trampoline?!
148
00:06:22,077 --> 00:06:25,378
I'm not sure empty trampoline
promises are gonna fix this.
149
00:06:25,380 --> 00:06:27,112
Empty? What the f...
150
00:06:27,114 --> 00:06:29,214
I feel so helpless.
151
00:06:29,216 --> 00:06:33,118
What Stan really needed was
a chance to forgive Jack,
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but that's impossible now.
153
00:06:34,889 --> 00:06:36,956
Not necessarily!
154
00:06:36,958 --> 00:06:40,159
Hi, Chantilly Dubois,
world-class medium.
155
00:06:40,161 --> 00:06:41,927
Well, no formal training, of course,
156
00:06:41,929 --> 00:06:43,796
so really more of a medium medium.
157
00:06:43,798 --> 00:06:45,464
We need to throw Stan a séance.
158
00:06:45,466 --> 00:06:48,301
You really think you could
get in touch with Jack?
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00:06:48,303 --> 00:06:51,036
Bless your heart, no.
I'm more of a charlatan.
160
00:06:51,038 --> 00:06:53,472
But I do a couple fun things...
flickering candles,
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00:06:53,474 --> 00:06:55,708
little magnets to make stuff wiggle.
162
00:06:55,710 --> 00:06:57,376
Sorry, how is this helpful?
163
00:06:57,378 --> 00:07:00,813
Stan only has to believe
we can contact spirits.
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00:07:00,815 --> 00:07:02,215
I tell him Jack says sorry.
165
00:07:02,217 --> 00:07:05,084
Stan can finally forgive his dad. Boom!
166
00:07:05,086 --> 00:07:07,620
We each have the rest of the
afternoon to do our own thing.
167
00:07:07,622 --> 00:07:08,722
I don't know. This...
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00:07:08,794 --> 00:07:11,690
This whole thing could backfire
and leave Dad even worse off.
169
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I say let's risk it.
170
00:07:13,094 --> 00:07:14,994
Who cares, right?
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What the hell is this?
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00:07:18,833 --> 00:07:20,333
I thought you said we got a trampoline.
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- Ohh, did you promise him a...
- Not now.
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00:07:22,804 --> 00:07:25,004
Stan, please sit down.
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00:07:25,006 --> 00:07:27,973
I sense someone close to you died.
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Your... dad.
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00:07:30,778 --> 00:07:32,812
- I'm not doing this.
- Please, Stan!
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00:07:32,814 --> 00:07:35,180
Jack's death was hard on everyone.
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00:07:35,182 --> 00:07:38,551
We just want to find some closure,
for all of us.
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00:07:39,887 --> 00:07:42,221
Spirit realm, hear our call!
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00:07:42,223 --> 00:07:44,357
Let our voices guide
you through the veil
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so you may move among us.
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00:07:46,961 --> 00:07:48,594
Look at the salt go!
184
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- Roger.
- Fine.
185
00:07:50,197 --> 00:07:52,531
We call on Jack Smith.
186
00:07:52,533 --> 00:07:55,168
Please commune with us!
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Welp, we tried. I'm out.
188
00:07:56,971 --> 00:07:59,004
Stan.
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00:08:00,441 --> 00:08:01,774
Dad! It's you.
190
00:08:01,776 --> 00:08:04,009
Oh, shit, I might be the real deal.
191
00:08:04,011 --> 00:08:05,778
There's so much I want to say to you.
192
00:08:05,780 --> 00:08:07,180
What are you wearing?
193
00:08:07,182 --> 00:08:09,082
I'm dead a week and you start dressing
194
00:08:09,084 --> 00:08:10,816
like a lesbian Raider fan?!
195
00:08:10,818 --> 00:08:12,852
Dad! I'm trying to forgive you!
196
00:08:14,489 --> 00:08:17,890
Aw, you've been crying, Shirley Temple?
197
00:08:17,892 --> 00:08:19,392
Your makeup's running.
198
00:08:19,394 --> 00:08:21,761
I told you this could backfire, Roger.
199
00:08:21,763 --> 00:08:23,262
Get rid of him.
200
00:08:23,264 --> 00:08:24,697
Leave him alone! Shoo!
201
00:08:24,699 --> 00:08:27,767
I'm goin', I'm goin'!
You think I wanna be here?
202
00:08:27,769 --> 00:08:30,569
I should be rubbin' my wood
on the Pearly Gates about now.
203
00:08:30,571 --> 00:08:32,638
Oof!
204
00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:35,274
Okay, nobody panic,
but it seems I might have
205
00:08:35,276 --> 00:08:37,276
bound Jack's spirit to the house.
206
00:08:37,278 --> 00:08:40,446
Oh, perfect. I'm s... Holy hell, Stan.
207
00:08:40,448 --> 00:08:43,316
With the lights on,
I can really drink you in.
208
00:08:43,318 --> 00:08:46,251
Those pants are just painted on,
aren't they?
209
00:08:46,253 --> 00:08:49,255
Oh, it's a shame
you got your mother's penis.
210
00:08:52,724 --> 00:08:54,721
Who's that kid with brain damage?
211
00:08:54,723 --> 00:08:56,123
That's Young Sheldon.
212
00:08:56,125 --> 00:08:57,891
Is he the good guy or the bad guy?
213
00:08:57,893 --> 00:08:59,259
There's no good or bad.
214
00:09:00,033 --> 00:09:02,162
Steve, which one is your friend again?
215
00:09:02,164 --> 00:09:03,463
What? None of them.
216
00:09:03,523 --> 00:09:06,099
Ah, this movie is too confusing!
217
00:09:06,101 --> 00:09:09,736
Ooh, I've gotta dump some ectoplasm.
218
00:09:09,738 --> 00:09:13,040
Well, it's...
it's fun having Jack around.
219
00:09:13,042 --> 00:09:14,574
He's the worst!
220
00:09:14,576 --> 00:09:16,743
He keeps putting "vagina"
on the shopping list.
221
00:09:16,745 --> 00:09:20,047
He keeps calling me "pure"
and measuring my thighs.
222
00:09:20,049 --> 00:09:21,348
I do not like it.
223
00:09:21,350 --> 00:09:23,150
Well, at least he's nice to you.
224
00:09:23,152 --> 00:09:24,618
He's just mean to me.
225
00:09:24,620 --> 00:09:27,054
We have to find a way to get rid of him!
226
00:09:27,056 --> 00:09:28,121
Like an exorcism.
227
00:09:28,123 --> 00:09:29,757
Wait!
228
00:09:29,759 --> 00:09:32,259
Doesn't Hayley have a bunch of
old witch books in the garage?
229
00:09:32,261 --> 00:09:34,394
Oh, right! Her Wiccan phase.
230
00:09:34,396 --> 00:09:36,964
I still have the little
effigy she made of each of us.
231
00:09:36,966 --> 00:09:38,665
I poke 'em every once in a while.
232
00:09:38,667 --> 00:09:39,767
You guys ever feel that?
233
00:09:39,769 --> 00:09:42,870
Stan! Nobody buys single-ply TP!
234
00:09:42,872 --> 00:09:46,974
I just touched my own butt hole
because of you, you limp dildo!
235
00:09:46,976 --> 00:09:49,843
Alright, garage! Go, go, go!
236
00:09:49,845 --> 00:09:51,779
Okay, maybe this is something.
237
00:09:51,781 --> 00:09:55,649
In Japanese legend,
ghosts can be trapped in our world
238
00:09:55,651 --> 00:09:58,585
until they resolve a
deep emotional conflict.
239
00:09:58,587 --> 00:10:00,687
Jack's not even Japanese, Steve.
240
00:10:00,689 --> 00:10:02,121
Did the boy screw up?
241
00:10:02,123 --> 00:10:03,256
Call him a dildo!
242
00:10:03,258 --> 00:10:05,425
Hey, what's with all the books?
243
00:10:05,427 --> 00:10:07,126
You guys tryin' to get rid of me?
244
00:10:07,128 --> 00:10:10,097
What?! Grandpa! Come on!
245
00:10:10,099 --> 00:10:12,165
It's alright. I hate it here, too.
246
00:10:12,167 --> 00:10:14,133
And I have an idea.
247
00:10:14,135 --> 00:10:15,702
During my world travels,
248
00:10:15,704 --> 00:10:19,106
I once attended a sacred ritual
to help a spirit move on,
249
00:10:19,108 --> 00:10:21,909
deep in the heart of Sacramento.
250
00:10:21,911 --> 00:10:22,976
I can replicate it.
251
00:10:22,978 --> 00:10:24,978
Wow, Sac-Town.
252
00:10:24,980 --> 00:10:26,613
Tampa of the West.
253
00:10:26,615 --> 00:10:29,082
Sac-Town's the Orlando of the West!
254
00:10:29,084 --> 00:10:31,018
San Diego's Tampa.
255
00:10:31,519 --> 00:10:33,320
So, it's $50 to rent for the day.
256
00:10:33,322 --> 00:10:36,523
Includes all the gear...
life vests, oars,
257
00:10:36,525 --> 00:10:39,026
and one warm red PowerAde.
258
00:10:39,028 --> 00:10:40,794
We brought oars. Hey!
259
00:10:40,796 --> 00:10:41,931
Jinx!
260
00:10:44,666 --> 00:10:46,266
You two married?
261
00:10:46,268 --> 00:10:48,067
Then you'll need separate canoes.
262
00:10:48,069 --> 00:10:49,203
What? No way.
263
00:10:49,205 --> 00:10:50,737
Yeah, the whole point of canoeing
264
00:10:50,739 --> 00:10:52,071
is we get to do it together.
265
00:10:52,073 --> 00:10:55,575
If you value your relationship,
get two canoes!
266
00:10:55,577 --> 00:10:57,444
The young couples I
seen come through here,
267
00:10:57,446 --> 00:11:00,147
none of them was strong enough!
268
00:11:00,149 --> 00:11:02,616
Oh, the river broke their hearts.
269
00:11:02,618 --> 00:11:03,650
Hey!
270
00:11:03,652 --> 00:11:04,818
What's that?
271
00:11:04,820 --> 00:11:06,620
I canoe hear you!
272
00:11:06,622 --> 00:11:09,189
Did you just say, "canoe hear you"?
273
00:11:09,191 --> 00:11:10,231
Uh-huh.
274
00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:13,193
W-Why?
275
00:11:15,096 --> 00:11:20,800
Aperire fores malum ex inferno!
276
00:11:20,802 --> 00:11:23,136
I didn't expect so much kneeling.
277
00:11:23,138 --> 00:11:26,439
Do you think it's rude if I run
upstairs and get some knee pads?
278
00:11:26,441 --> 00:11:28,275
I know exactly where they are.
279
00:11:28,277 --> 00:11:30,210
Now repeat after me.
280
00:11:30,212 --> 00:11:32,279
By the six seals of Drekavac
281
00:11:32,281 --> 00:11:35,682
and the call of the
ancient demon lords...
282
00:11:35,684 --> 00:11:36,884
By the...
283
00:11:36,886 --> 00:11:38,218
seals...
284
00:11:38,220 --> 00:11:39,486
- of...
- Uh...
285
00:11:39,488 --> 00:11:40,754
- ...Dreka...
- Drekavac...
286
00:11:40,756 --> 00:11:44,924
Good enough!
We prescript the blood shadows,
287
00:11:44,926 --> 00:11:46,293
open the gate!
288
00:11:46,295 --> 00:11:48,295
Open the gate!
289
00:11:48,297 --> 00:11:49,997
Open the gate!
290
00:11:49,999 --> 00:11:51,731
Open the gate!
291
00:11:51,733 --> 00:11:53,767
Open the gate?
292
00:11:54,870 --> 00:11:55,903
Jack?
293
00:11:55,905 --> 00:11:57,937
He's gone! We did it!
294
00:11:57,939 --> 00:11:59,006
Dad, I forgive you.
295
00:11:59,008 --> 00:12:00,707
Whew, there. Closure.
296
00:12:00,709 --> 00:12:02,910
That one felt right. That was the one.
297
00:12:02,912 --> 00:12:04,244
Nice job, everyone.
298
00:12:04,246 --> 00:12:05,312
Yeah!
299
00:12:05,314 --> 00:12:07,514
You nutsacks did it!
300
00:12:09,285 --> 00:12:11,151
Oh, no!
301
00:12:11,153 --> 00:12:12,285
Help!
302
00:12:12,287 --> 00:12:14,555
Noooo!
303
00:12:17,159 --> 00:12:18,792
I mean "we."
304
00:12:18,794 --> 00:12:19,959
We nutsacks did it.
305
00:12:19,961 --> 00:12:21,661
You sound terrible.
306
00:12:21,663 --> 00:12:24,698
Did my little guy catch a
chill from all that wind?
307
00:12:24,700 --> 00:12:26,766
Let's go get you some soup.
308
00:12:26,768 --> 00:12:29,603
Any of you other nutsacks want some?
309
00:12:32,741 --> 00:12:34,341
Whoa, look out!
310
00:12:34,343 --> 00:12:36,143
Someone's got a pep in his step!
311
00:12:36,145 --> 00:12:37,577
Damn right I do.
312
00:12:37,579 --> 00:12:40,313
My crappy pappy's taking
a permanent nappy.
313
00:12:40,315 --> 00:12:42,682
That's a cute way to say it.
314
00:12:42,684 --> 00:12:44,317
We're all pumped since
we got rid of that
315
00:12:44,319 --> 00:12:46,954
thick-dicked bull elk
we were all jealous of.
316
00:12:46,956 --> 00:12:48,321
That's good, too!
317
00:12:48,323 --> 00:12:50,490
People are being so creative today!
318
00:12:50,492 --> 00:12:52,425
Okay, I'm off to school.
319
00:12:52,427 --> 00:12:54,762
Oh, and all of you, stay out of my room.
320
00:12:54,764 --> 00:12:55,929
I've got...
321
00:12:55,931 --> 00:12:57,865
I don't know,
something embarrassing in there.
322
00:12:57,867 --> 00:13:00,800
A Barbra Streisand record, let's say.
323
00:13:00,802 --> 00:13:05,305
Maybe I'm crazy, but is Steve,
like, super cool now?
324
00:13:05,307 --> 00:13:07,341
He's definitely acting weird.
325
00:13:07,343 --> 00:13:09,142
Maybe you should talk to him.
326
00:13:09,144 --> 00:13:11,345
Eh, it's just normal teenager stuff.
327
00:13:11,347 --> 00:13:12,846
Hey, I'm Carly.
328
00:13:12,848 --> 00:13:15,615
Steve said I could find
us some beers in here?
329
00:13:15,617 --> 00:13:16,884
Alright, I'll talk to him.
330
00:13:19,354 --> 00:13:20,620
Good news, Jeff.
331
00:13:20,622 --> 00:13:23,122
I invited another woman on our trip.
332
00:13:23,124 --> 00:13:24,558
Mother Nature!
333
00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:28,896
Good! Give her your oar because
you are doing nothing with it!
334
00:13:28,898 --> 00:13:31,365
You're steering us into the weeds again!
335
00:13:31,367 --> 00:13:32,499
The front steers!
336
00:13:32,501 --> 00:13:34,201
The front steers!
337
00:13:34,203 --> 00:13:36,936
Pull over! I'm walking!
338
00:13:36,938 --> 00:13:38,238
See this?
339
00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:39,673
Just a pencil, right?
340
00:13:39,675 --> 00:13:41,875
Wrong. Deadly weapon.
341
00:13:41,877 --> 00:13:44,878
Ka-blooey! Between ribs three and four,
342
00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:47,481
you've got yourself a heart on a stick.
343
00:13:47,483 --> 00:13:49,249
Of course, accuracy's not an issue
344
00:13:49,251 --> 00:13:50,650
if you've got one of these.
345
00:13:50,652 --> 00:13:53,687
Steve, weren't we gonna try
to catch ladybugs today?
346
00:13:53,689 --> 00:13:56,055
Steve! Come on, I'll drive you home.
347
00:13:56,057 --> 00:13:57,591
Damn. I gotta go.
348
00:13:57,593 --> 00:14:00,494
Later, Snorkle, Mushi, Fat One.
349
00:14:02,764 --> 00:14:04,431
Listen up. Your mother and I noticed
350
00:14:04,433 --> 00:14:05,599
you're not yourself lately.
351
00:14:05,601 --> 00:14:06,834
- I'm driving.
- Sure.
352
00:14:06,836 --> 00:14:08,735
And whatever it is you're dealing with,
353
00:14:08,737 --> 00:14:10,670
I want you to know you gotta wrap it up
354
00:14:10,672 --> 00:14:12,305
because I don't care for it, okay?
355
00:14:12,307 --> 00:14:14,641
- We good?
- That's it?
356
00:14:14,643 --> 00:14:17,811
You're not gonna box my ears?
Ring my bell?
357
00:14:17,813 --> 00:14:20,380
Jerk my arm around a little to
let me know you mean business?
358
00:14:20,382 --> 00:14:21,849
What? Of course not.
359
00:14:21,851 --> 00:14:25,018
You're too soft to be a good father,
ya limp dildo.
360
00:14:25,020 --> 00:14:27,187
Dildo, dildo, dildo...
361
00:14:27,189 --> 00:14:29,589
Hey, Steve, I forget.
362
00:14:29,591 --> 00:14:32,025
What gives me the best
odds at the dog track?
363
00:14:32,027 --> 00:14:33,827
The quinella, obviously.
364
00:14:33,829 --> 00:14:34,994
Uh-huh.
365
00:14:34,996 --> 00:14:36,630
And what's the name of
your goblin character
366
00:14:36,632 --> 00:14:38,331
in your little dragons game?
367
00:14:38,333 --> 00:14:40,634
Uh...
368
00:14:40,636 --> 00:14:42,936
Puerto Rican Charlie.
369
00:14:42,938 --> 00:14:44,538
- Dad!
- Shoot!
370
00:14:44,540 --> 00:14:46,339
Look, I need the child.
371
00:14:46,341 --> 00:14:47,574
I'll let you say your goodbyes.
372
00:14:47,576 --> 00:14:49,909
- Goodbyes?
- Good enough.
373
00:14:49,911 --> 00:14:50,978
Aah!
374
00:14:54,149 --> 00:14:55,615
Dad, no!
375
00:14:55,617 --> 00:14:57,451
That kick, though.
376
00:14:57,453 --> 00:14:59,853
Hyah! Hyah!
377
00:15:03,999 --> 00:15:05,993
Hey, buddy. Havin' a tough one?
378
00:15:05,995 --> 00:15:09,230
My son is really my dad,
and he stole my car!
379
00:15:09,232 --> 00:15:10,899
Yeah, me, too.
380
00:15:12,836 --> 00:15:14,836
Jack wanted to keep us out of this room.
381
00:15:14,838 --> 00:15:17,138
There must be a clue
here where he's headed.
382
00:15:17,140 --> 00:15:18,406
Ugh! I can't find anything
383
00:15:18,408 --> 00:15:19,941
under all these museum schematics!
384
00:15:19,943 --> 00:15:23,110
The Metropolitan Museum
of Sports Memorabilia.
385
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:25,780
That's where Dad
stole O. J.'s Bronco from!
386
00:15:25,782 --> 00:15:28,549
I hate to be this guy,
but the Bronco wasn't O. J.'s.
387
00:15:28,551 --> 00:15:30,051
It belonged to Al Cowlings.
388
00:15:30,589 --> 00:15:32,553
He's planning another heist!
389
00:15:32,555 --> 00:15:33,888
Roger, I need to borrow your car.
390
00:15:33,890 --> 00:15:35,556
Don't sweat it. I'll drive you.
391
00:15:35,558 --> 00:15:38,426
Just open up Uber,
and I'll be the closest driver.
392
00:15:38,428 --> 00:15:40,661
Damn! I got eagle-swooped!
393
00:15:40,663 --> 00:15:42,764
Ah, but you got Rahim. He's good.
394
00:15:42,766 --> 00:15:43,865
4.82.
395
00:15:43,867 --> 00:15:46,434
That's three stars more than I have.
396
00:15:48,938 --> 00:15:51,873
- That was bad.
- It was bad on the river.
397
00:15:51,875 --> 00:15:53,541
The river was the problem.
398
00:15:53,543 --> 00:15:56,711
Yeah, but we're good now, right?
399
00:15:56,713 --> 00:15:58,045
Have you had time to decide?
400
00:15:58,047 --> 00:16:00,381
Uh, I'll get the coconut shrimp to start
401
00:16:00,383 --> 00:16:01,716
and then the scampi, please.
402
00:16:01,718 --> 00:16:04,519
Hmm. Do people usually get shrimp
403
00:16:04,521 --> 00:16:07,722
for both their appetizer
and their entrée?
404
00:16:07,724 --> 00:16:11,026
Or is that, like, a stupid thing to do?
405
00:16:11,028 --> 00:16:13,628
What's the most creamers
you've ever seen someone
406
00:16:13,630 --> 00:16:15,062
put in their water?
407
00:16:15,064 --> 00:16:18,133
'Cause that would be really stupid.
408
00:16:18,135 --> 00:16:19,901
I'm makin' milk!
409
00:16:19,903 --> 00:16:22,503
Jesus, did you guys
share a canoe or something?
410
00:16:22,505 --> 00:16:24,305
I don't know why I'm so angry.
411
00:16:24,307 --> 00:16:25,640
We have to go back, Jeff.
412
00:16:25,642 --> 00:16:27,575
Back on the river
where this all started,
413
00:16:27,577 --> 00:16:28,843
so we can fix it!
414
00:16:28,845 --> 00:16:31,646
Okay, but we gotta
do it right this time.
415
00:16:31,648 --> 00:16:34,415
With patience and love.
416
00:16:34,417 --> 00:16:36,217
[BLEEP] [BLEEP] Shit! [BLEEP]
417
00:16:36,219 --> 00:16:37,852
We had a good run, babe!
418
00:16:37,854 --> 00:16:41,056
But these oars... they drove us apart!
419
00:16:41,058 --> 00:16:42,323
It's the oars!
420
00:16:42,325 --> 00:16:43,524
We should just lose them!
421
00:16:43,526 --> 00:16:45,660
Lose the oars!
422
00:16:46,596 --> 00:16:48,329
Look, it's working!
423
00:16:48,331 --> 00:16:50,231
We're already better at canoeing!
424
00:16:50,233 --> 00:16:52,433
I'm sorry, babe. I love you.
425
00:16:52,435 --> 00:16:54,302
I love you, too.
426
00:16:56,773 --> 00:16:58,506
This is nice.
427
00:16:58,508 --> 00:17:00,842
Hey, look,
that cloud looks like cotton candy.
428
00:17:00,844 --> 00:17:02,877
That one looks like a lion.
429
00:17:02,879 --> 00:17:04,445
I can even hear it roaring.
430
00:17:04,447 --> 00:17:06,914
You know, I can't think of a single time
431
00:17:06,916 --> 00:17:09,484
you would actually need an oar.
432
00:17:21,931 --> 00:17:24,131
You don't have to do this, Grandpa!
433
00:17:24,133 --> 00:17:25,300
Quiet!
434
00:17:25,302 --> 00:17:27,368
I've tried this before and failed.
435
00:17:27,370 --> 00:17:30,371
My body was too girthy, too substantial.
436
00:17:30,373 --> 00:17:32,407
I needed a wisp of a boy to finally get
437
00:17:32,409 --> 00:17:36,011
the Holy Grail of sports memorabilia.
438
00:17:36,013 --> 00:17:39,280
The original pitcher of Arnold Palmer!
439
00:17:39,282 --> 00:17:41,582
You stole my body for iced tea?
440
00:17:41,584 --> 00:17:43,350
Iced tea and lemonade,
441
00:17:43,352 --> 00:17:44,786
carefully concocted
442
00:17:44,788 --> 00:17:49,657
by the seventh-best golfer
of all time, arguably!
443
00:17:49,659 --> 00:17:50,958
Stop!
444
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:53,394
Wheeee!
445
00:17:53,396 --> 00:17:54,662
Stan, freeze!
446
00:17:54,664 --> 00:17:56,231
There are lasers everywhere.
447
00:17:56,233 --> 00:17:59,767
One wrong move, and we all go
away to sports jail forever.
448
00:17:59,769 --> 00:18:03,538
Oh, my God,
a bowling pin signed by Larry Bird?
449
00:18:03,540 --> 00:18:05,106
Why don't we ever come here?
450
00:18:05,108 --> 00:18:06,874
Dad, I'm begging you,
451
00:18:06,876 --> 00:18:09,310
give me back my son, please.
452
00:18:09,312 --> 00:18:11,012
You don't deserve the boy!
453
00:18:11,014 --> 00:18:14,149
Face it, Stan,
you were a failure as my son,
454
00:18:14,151 --> 00:18:16,718
and you're a failure
as a father to Steven.
455
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:19,487
You're right. I am a bad dad
456
00:18:19,489 --> 00:18:20,988
because I thought to be a father,
457
00:18:20,990 --> 00:18:23,658
I had to be like you... mean.
458
00:18:23,660 --> 00:18:27,462
But somehow I still ended
up with a really great kid,
459
00:18:27,464 --> 00:18:28,663
and I miss him.
460
00:18:28,665 --> 00:18:32,533
Daaaaad!
461
00:18:32,535 --> 00:18:33,668
That's it, Stan!
462
00:18:33,670 --> 00:18:35,403
Complimenting Steve is giving him
463
00:18:35,405 --> 00:18:37,338
the confidence to overpower Jack!
464
00:18:37,340 --> 00:18:38,473
Keep going!
465
00:18:38,475 --> 00:18:40,441
A red tennis ball.
466
00:18:40,443 --> 00:18:42,443
And it says it's very rare.
467
00:18:42,445 --> 00:18:43,678
Huh, what a world!
468
00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:46,581
Alright, uh, compliments.
469
00:18:46,583 --> 00:18:48,883
Man, nothing else
really springs to mind.
470
00:18:49,819 --> 00:18:52,587
- Aah!
- Quickly, Stan. Anything!
471
00:18:52,589 --> 00:18:55,190
He always walks down stairs quietly.
472
00:18:55,192 --> 00:18:56,824
Adequate! More!
473
00:18:56,826 --> 00:18:59,861
He can pry apart even the
most stuck-together Legos.
474
00:19:01,898 --> 00:19:05,032
He's the only one who reminds
me to drink enough water.
475
00:19:05,034 --> 00:19:07,102
He knows which sharks are which.
476
00:19:08,205 --> 00:19:10,872
Stop this!
You're embarrassing yourselves!
477
00:19:10,874 --> 00:19:12,640
You're doing it, Stan!
478
00:19:12,642 --> 00:19:15,042
You have to love your
dad out of your son!
479
00:19:15,044 --> 00:19:17,812
His hair is a very even brown!
480
00:19:17,814 --> 00:19:20,715
He reminds me when my
parking meter's almost up.
481
00:19:20,717 --> 00:19:23,685
No! I'll never go!
482
00:19:23,687 --> 00:19:26,221
His smile makes me smile!
483
00:19:32,195 --> 00:19:34,562
Aah, damn it!
484
00:19:34,644 --> 00:19:35,663
Dad!
485
00:19:35,979 --> 00:19:37,032
Steve!
486
00:19:39,002 --> 00:19:40,768
No!
487
00:19:40,770 --> 00:19:43,204
You sissies ruined everything!
488
00:19:47,410 --> 00:19:49,978
Hey, I found a secret way out.
489
00:19:53,416 --> 00:19:55,282
No! I'm trapped!
490
00:19:55,284 --> 00:19:56,918
Don't leave me here with...
491
00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:58,853
Mary Tyler Moore's dress?
492
00:19:58,855 --> 00:20:00,655
What does this have to do with sports?
493
00:20:00,657 --> 00:20:03,658
People magazine once described
"The Mary Tyler Moore Show"
494
00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:05,460
as a home run.
495
00:20:05,462 --> 00:20:06,761
Ah.
496
00:20:09,032 --> 00:20:11,666
The trick is to never look down.
497
00:20:11,668 --> 00:20:12,934
The minute you stop and think
498
00:20:12,936 --> 00:20:15,503
about what you're climbing, you're dead.
499
00:20:15,505 --> 00:20:17,304
- Wow!
- You're the man!
500
00:20:17,306 --> 00:20:20,675
Stan, Steve thinks he's a climber now.
501
00:20:20,677 --> 00:20:23,278
Do you think that?
502
00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:24,779
I sure do!
503
00:20:24,781 --> 00:20:27,314
Figuratively climbing out
of your own subconscious
504
00:20:27,316 --> 00:20:30,785
and real mountain climbing
are basically the same!
505
00:20:30,787 --> 00:20:33,488
You're a-a good boy.
506
00:20:33,490 --> 00:20:36,724
I really appreciate how you've
turned over this new leaf.
507
00:20:36,726 --> 00:20:39,060
Gotta break the Smith family cycle.
508
00:20:39,062 --> 00:20:42,597
I'm not gonna waste my only
shot at being a great dad.
509
00:20:42,599 --> 00:20:43,664
We're back!
510
00:20:43,666 --> 00:20:45,132
Hayley! Good news!
511
00:20:45,134 --> 00:20:47,268
I decided to be a good dad...
512
00:20:47,270 --> 00:20:50,371
- to Steve.
- Great. What else did we miss?
513
00:20:50,373 --> 00:20:51,906
Oh, so much!
514
00:20:51,908 --> 00:20:55,342
Steve made love to an old lady,
probably.
515
00:20:55,344 --> 00:20:57,212
Bye! Have a beautiful time!
516
00:20:57,362 --> 00:20:59,394
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
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