All language subtitles for A Countess from Hong Kong (1967) - iMMORTALs -

[Indistinct Chattering]

- What's the charge, sister?
- Half a dollar a dance.

- You mean them women are countesses?
- Some are.

No kiddin'.
Give me five bucks worth.

Thank you, sir.

- I got a ticket to dance with a countess.
- Go to it, buddy.

Want to tell the folks back home
I'm movin' in high society.

- Oh, pardon me. Can I sit down?
- Please.

I've got a ticket to dance.
You a countess?

No kiddin'!

Tell me, how many countesses
are there around here?

Oh, quite a few.

[Ship Horn Blowing]

Every statesman, every minister
and diplomat should dedicate himself...

- to the cause of world peace.
- [Knocking Five Times In Rhythm]

Ogden, it's Harvey!
Ogden, are you still at that speech?

Here we are, China, Hong Kong,
and you're still trying to save the world.

Let's get out of here. See the town.
We're only staying 24 hours.

All right, Crawford.
We'll finish this after lunch.

Okay, sir.

Can ya believe it? Hong Kong.
By golly, I can see a Chinaman.

I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Look at them.
Packed together like sardines.

That's what I dislike about
the poor. They have no taste.

They indulge in squalor. They pick
the worst neighbourhoods to live in...

eat the worst kind of food
and dress atrociously.

That's the first time I've seen you
smile since we've been on this trip.

That wasn't a smile.
That was a gas pain.

- [Ship Horn Blowing]
- How do you feel, buddy?

- Depressed.
- You should be the happiest man in the world.

Six weeks you'll be divorced,
and possibly the next Secretary of State.

- We'll wait and see.
- Here's the day's paper.

"Ogden Mears, multimillionaire,
son of the richest oilman in the world...

will be the new
Secretary of State. "

Let me see that.

You didn't finish the sentence.
"According to the latest rumour. "

"Son of the richest oilman in the world. "
They won't let you forget it.

That's the burden you must carry.

[Laughing]
Harvey, you're a corrupting influence.

Maybe, but I didn't lead you
into politics.

- What else is there to do?
- Murder, arson, rape.

- There's plenty of worthy occupations.
- [Buzzer Buzzing]

- Crawford, sir.
- Come in, Crawford.

Just came over the wire. The President
has appointed Mr Patrick Dowling...

- Secretary of State.
- Dowling, huh? Well, that's show business.

- Who the devil is Patrick Dowling?
- Secretary of State.

- I'll check for more news.
- Thank you, Crawford.

Harvey, I guess you're right. I think
I'll give up trying to save the world.

Tonight we're gonna celebrate
Patrick Dowling's appointment.

Excuse me, sir.
Mr Clark has telephoned.

Mr Clark? Where is he?

Up in the lounge.
He says he's on his way down.

- Show him here.
- Yes, sir.

- Who's Clark?
- He's one of Father's senior directors.

A venerable old gentleman.

We don't want to get stuck with that
old boy for the rest of the evening.

No, I'll get rid of him.

Remember you just got over the flu. Took
a long sea voyage to get away from it all.

- We don't want to be visiting parks and museums.
- Mr Clark, sir.

Ogden, my dear boy, I haven't seen you
since you were in swaddling clothes.

I must say you're
the replica of your father.

Uh, Mr Clark, may I present
my friend Harvey Crothers?

How do you do? I beg
your pardon. Well, sir.

Hudson tells me you're under the weather
and here I am ready to show you the town.

Unfortunately, this is my first day up
after... the flu.

I think perhaps I better stay
inside and just take things easy.

Of course, my dear boy.
I'll not disturb you.

But before I go, I'd like to introduce
some very dear friends of mine.

They're waiting in the lounge.

Well, certainly. Hudson, would you show
Mr Clark's friends in?

- They're alone in the lounge. You can't miss them.
- Yes, sir.

Well, Ogden, too bad you're not up to scratch.
I was looking forward to showing you around.

Yes, well, I'm disappointed. I was
reading about it and it sounds fascinating.

- The botanical gardens and museums...
- Oh, dear me, dear me.

Botanical gardens? Ha, ha, ha!
I think we can do better than that.

## [Orchestra On Radio]

I guess I've been
reading the wrong book.

Ogden, these are my friends.

This is Mr Ogden Mears...

Mr Harvey Crothers.

Countess Chiedoff...

Countess Natascha Alexandrov...

Baroness Cavanotchy.

Hello, I'd like a drink.

No, no, Baroness.
It's too early.

Excuse me.
What will you have, ladies?

- Champagne.
- Champagne, champagne.

## [Orchestra Continues]

## [Music Off]

No, no, don't turn it off.

Music complements
the champagne.

- ## [Continues]
- Ladies, would you be seated?

Too bad you're just
getting over the flu, Ogden.

I thought we might go on somewhere
this evening and take the ladies along.

But then the night air
might be dangerous for you.

Oh, I think if I wrap up well
it'll be all right.

[Indistinct Chattering]

Where are the girls?

I don't know. I think they went to the
ladies room as soon as you left.

I must have inspired them
with the same idea.

Let me tell you about
these ladies. Harvey.

They are the daughters
of Russian aristocrats.

Their titles are absolutely genuine.

Their parents escaped to Shanghai
during the Russian Revolution.

Shanghai was a nasty place
in those days.

An international settlement
run by seven nations.

Because they had no country,
their life was worthless.

They could be robbed, murdered.
Nobody bothered.

Countess Natascha,
the one sitting next to you...

has had rather a sad life.

She was the mistress
of a gangster at the age of 14.

How did the others
manage to live?

Many starved,
others committed suicide.

Some of the women
worked in dance halls.

The men had to compete with the cheapest
labour because they couldn't leave the country.

I think Harvey
is very good-looking.

A lot of good that'll do you.
He's penniless.

So what? Haven't you
any romance in your soul?

Money makes me romantic.

I thought Harvey
was the one with the dough.

You have poor instincts, my dear. It's the
other one, Ogden Mears, who has the money.

He's the son of the richest oilman in
the world, and Natascha's got him hooked.

Mr Ogden?
He's very attractive.

Hmph. Leave it to Natascha. She's like
a divining stick finding water.

Only in her case,
she's found oil.

Well, you can have
your big oilman.

He's here today
and gone tomorrow.

But I shall stick to old Papa Clark.

He took me away
from the dance halls.

## [Orchestra]

Listen, Milton...
Pardon me, Mr Milton Clark.

- Would you like to dance?
- [Chuckles]

Natascha.

You're very quiet this evening.

Am I? I'm sorry.

Don't apologize.
I like quiet people.

They're either clever or dull.

I would say you're
one of the clever ones.

Thank you.
I'd better keep silent.

Well, whatever you do,
it's very attractive.

- Would you like to dance?
- No. I'd like to sit here and talk with you.

- I regret I speak English so badly.
- You speak it beautifully.

I understand
you were born in Shanghai.

Yes. But my parents
came from Russia.

And now they've moved
to Hong Kong?

My parents died in Shanghai
when I was 13.

- Haven't you any brothers or sisters?
- I was an only child.

Thirteen, a little young
to face the world.

We must all face it
sooner or later.

Some more sooner.

How did you come
to live in Hong Kong?

Well, there was another war,
another revolution. So here we are.

- But let us talk of something more cheerful.
- I'm sorry.

- Would you like to dance?
- I'd love to.

[Knocking]

Congratulations, Your Excellency. You
are now a Plenipotentiary Extraordinary.

Will you ring for the steward
and have him bring some ice water?

Oh.

What's this
Plenni-pli-plen-what?

Just came over the radio.
You've been appointed...

Plenipotentiary Extraordinary
to the Court of Saudi Arabia.

I'll never get away
from the oil business.

You been sleeping
on that couch all night?

What's this?
Telephone numbers.

Some of your first
official appointments, I guess.

- And this?
- Some roughneck guy got fresh with Natascha...

- in a nightclub and you clipped him.
- I clipped him?

A brawl in a nightclub? Well, I'm off
to a fine start as Ambassador.

- Steward, sir. - Would you bring
me some Alka-Seltzer and ice water?

Yes, sir.

- Who's Natascha?
- You don't know Natascha?

You ought to. You were pretty
clubby with her last night.

- What do you mean "clubby"?
- From the verb "club. "

To form an association
united by a common interest.

- I don't want to hear any more. Where are we?
- Way out at sea.

- When did we leave Hong Kong?
- Two hours ago.

- [Bell Dinging]
- That's the first call for lunch. Coming down?

No, I'm gonna take a bath
and get myself together.

- I'll call ya later then.
- Yeah.

Uh, Hudson.

Just fixing your bath, sir.

What are you doing, Hudson?

- Just making a note of the telephone numbers.
- Don't bother with them.

- Oh!
- I beg your pardon.

Did I startle you?

- Who are you?
- I'm Natascha.

Oh, well, how do you do?

- Are we alone?
- I don't know. Maybe there's somebody under the bed.

I'm sorry.

What are you doing
in that closet?

- Well, sir, if you'll allow me, I'll explain everything.
- Go ahead.

I don't know whether you remember
the Baroness, the Countess and me?

Get to the point.

- After leaving the Pantheon, we finally finished up here.
- And then?

Then you fell asleep, so everyone left,
but I came back to look for my handbag.

Enough of that.
Why are you hiding in that closet?

I've stowed away.

- You what?
- I'm going to America.

- Are you crazy?
- Please don't get excited.

If you let me stay until the purser's
checked all the passengers...

I'll leave your cabin
and will never bother you again.

- If anyone comes, I can hide in the bathroom or closet.
- [Buzzer Buzzing]

[Door Slamming]

- Who is it?
- Hudson, sir, with the menu...

in case you should want lunch
before the kitchens close.

Thank you.
Call later, Hudson.

You see how simple it is.

After the purser's checked everyone, no one
will know whether I'm a passenger or not.

Now look, the best thing for you to do is go
straight to the Captain and tell him what happened.

You were visiting friends
and you were left aboard.

But isn't it awkward if he wants
to know where I slept all night?

Of course not! What do you mean?
Tell him the truth.

- There's nothing to hide.
- [Buzzer Buzzing]

- Who is it?
- Alka-Seltzer, sir.

Thank you, sir.

- Look, I must take my bath and get dressed now.
- Yes, of course.

Do you mind leaving?

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I can wait in the next room.

You don't seem to understand. You cannot
wait in this suite. I have friends coming.

- But where can I go?
- That's your problem.

- Please let me stay until the purser's checked everyone.
- No, no.

I promise. After tonight,
you'll never see me again.

You'll have to leave
these premises immediately.

I can't leave dressed like this
in the middle of the day.

- However, you can't stay here.
- I must!

Well, if you insist,
I shall have to ring for the purser.

If you do, I'll scream, tear my clothes
and swear you tried to attack me.

- This is blackmail.
- Yes, blackmail.

- Oh, no, I didn't mean it. That was a stupid thing to say.
- Certainly was.

Of course it isn't blackmail. I don't want
your money. I want to get away from Hong Kong.

- I tried to tell you that last night...
- You've told me enough.

- You wouldn't let me explain.
- [Burping]

- I'm gonna give you one more chance. Are you going to leave this cabin?
- No.

- If you ring the bell, I'll scream.
- We'll see about that.

- Please, I never meant it.
- Stand away from that bell.

- No, I won't.
- Then I'll ring from the next room. [Burping]

Oh!

Please, please, I beg you!

Now go ahead and scream.

Where is that steward?

- Steward, would you please send for the purser?
- Yes, sir.

Thank you.

Don't bother. I'll go.

Well, I'm sorry,
but if I succumb to sympathy...

I'd have the whole world
on my neck.

Now, if it's just a question of paying your
fare to wherever you want to go, I'll do that.

But you have to get off
at the next stop.

- It's no use. That's Japan. They'll arrest me.
- Why?

- I haven't a passport.
- You haven't a passport?

How do you expect to land
in the United States?

- I'll get in some way.
- My dear young lady, You haven't a chance.

The best thing for you to do
is return to Hong Kong.

Never.

I'll talk to the purser and see
if we can get you a cabin.

- [Buzzer Buzzing]
- Who is it?

- The purser, Your Excellency.
- Oh.

- Here, in...
- Oh, yeah.

Good afternoon, Your Excellency.

Good afternoon, purser. I'd like to know
if you have an extra berth or cabin.

I'm sorry, sir. We haven't a thing.
We're completely full up.

There might be something
at Kobi, but I doubt it.

- When do we get to Kobi?
- Tomorrow morning at 11.00, sir.

- Thank you.
- Is there anything else I can do for Your Excellency?

No, not a thing. Thank you.

Well, they're full up.

- Full up?
- Yeah.

We'll manage somehow.

Will we? Where do you think
you're gonna sleep tonight?

As soon as it's dark,
I can sleep in one of the lifeboats.

Whatever made you think
you could get away with this?

I didn't think. It was an impulse.
A chance to escape.

Escape? Escape from what?
Have you committed a crime?

Of course not. Escape from despair,
hopelessness, no future.

Nothing to look forward to
but dance halls and prostitution.

But I am determined
not to slowly die and rot.

Well, that's no excuse for your actions.

There's no excuse
for many things in this world.

You're getting off at Kobi,
the next stop.

- Then I can stay?
- Stay? I can't get rid of ya.

Now do you mind going
in the other room while I take a bath?

Not at all, Your Excellency.

- If anyone knocks, don't answer.
- No, Your Excellency.

- Lay off the "Excellency. "
- Yes, sir.

What are you going to do
about food?

It's no hardship to miss
a meal occasionally.

- You want me to break down and weep?
- No, but...

Well, then, mark down what you want
on the menu while I lock the door.

Now, when you hear a knock like this,
you'll know it's me.

[Knocking Seven Times In Rhythm]

[Knocking Seven Times In Rhythm]

It's Crawford.

Come in, Crawford.

Harvey says not to wait
for him for lunch.

He's not feeling too well.
I think he's got an upset stomach.

I've got a little
upset stomach myself.

Excuse me, sir. The kitchens
will be closed in ten minutes.

Oh, here it is.

"Chicken a la king,
potato au gratin, string beans...

"cauliflower, a glass of milk
and caramel ice cream...

with hot chocolate sauce," sir?

That's about it.

Oh, no, sir. It's not bad
for an upset stomach.

- [Knocking Five Times In Rhythm]
- Ogden.

[Clears Throat]

[Fingers Tapping]

[Tapping Continues]

[Tapping Continues]

[Tapping Stops]

Oh, excuse me.

Why don't you go to bed?

I thought I'd wait for you.

Oh, that is, I don't know where to go.

You'd better run along
to your lifeboat.

- [Chuckles]
- It's no laughing matter.

However, you can sleep
in the next room.

- Where are you going to sleep?
- That's my business.

There's another bed in the other room,
if you'd care to sleep there.

Thank you. I'm sleeping on the sofa.

## [Orchestra On Radio]

I suppose you have
nothing to sleep in.

Oh, don't bother.

- Here, you can use these and this.
- Thank you.

I'm sorry I don't have
any hairpins or toothbrush.

I feel terrible putting you
to all this trouble.

Hmm. You can write me to that effect
when you're off this boat.

Come in.

Ogden, you mustn't.

## [Volume Increases]

## [Volume Decreases]

Please don't turn the radio down.
Keep it up. Keep it up.

Sorry.

## [Volume Increases]

Get up out of there.

Oh, I wish you'd let me sleep here.
I feel I'm robbing you of your bed.

You're robbing me of my sleep.

Look. I'm very comfortable here.

- [Buzzer Buzzing]
- Oh! Ah!

- [Man] Mr Ogden, are you asleep?
- Yes. What is it?

It's Crawford. Harvey's been in bed
all day with an upset stomach.

- Can ya give him something?
- Just a minute.

- Tell him to take this. He'll feel 100% in the morning.
- Thanks.

- Goodnight, Crawford.
- Goodnight, boss.

Now, you get in the other room
and stay there.

Be careful.
These pyjamas are transparent.

- So are you.
- [Sighing] Goodnight.

Come in.

I believe this is yours.

- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.

Up, come on, get up.
We're gonna be in Kobi in 15 minutes.

- ## [Orchestra On Radio]
- Yes, sir, I'll tidy up first.

- ## [Volume Decreases]
- [Water Running]

## [Volume Increases]

[Water Continues Running]

[Water Continues Running]

- Now, what are you going to have for breakfast?
- Oh, anything, sir.

Two boiled eggs... four minutes...
a little bacon, toast and coffee.

Eggs, bacon, toast and coffee.

- Oh, and hot milk to go with the coffee.
- Hot milk.

- Oh, yes, and marmalade.
- And marmalade.

Boiled eggs.
I suppose they're fresh?

I don't know about the eggs.

[Buzzer Buzzing]

- [Door Slamming]
- Who is it?

Steward, sir.

- Good morning, sir. Breakfast?
- Yes.

"Two eggs, bacon, toast and coffee,
hot milk, marmalade. "

- [Pipes Squeaking]
- That all, sir?

- Yes, and would you serve it in the next room, please?
- Very good, sir.

- What were you doing?
- The bath was overflowing.

- So I turned the taps off.
- [Buzzer Buzzing]

Good morning, boss. I just came
to tell you a batch of reporters...

got on with the pilot and they're
waiting now to interview you.

Morning, Ogden. A batch
of reporters got on with the pilot.

- They're waiting to interview you.
- I can't see anybody before breakfast.

Say about 11.00?
They're in the lounge.

I can keep them busy for a while,
but it might be a good idea...

to bring them here and give them a drink
and sandwich to sweeten them up.

All right, you fix that up.

Harvey, I'll see you after breakfast.
I have to collect myself.

- Oh, how do you feel?
- Oh, great. The stuff you gave me fixed me up...

Good. Fine.
I'll see you after breakfast.

R-Right after breakfast.

What... What
do you want, Hudson?

- To prepare your bath, sir.
- I've had my bath.

Just a moment.

May I have the key,
if you don't mind?

- It's Ogden.
- I beg your pardon, Your Excellency.

[Buzzer Buzzing]

- Is that all, sir?
- Yes, that's all.

Thank you, sir.

It's Ogden. Hurry up.

- [Door Tapping] This door is broken.
- I know.

- Hurry up and eat your breakfast.
- Yes, Your Excellency.

Oh! Like a silver garden.

[Whispering]
How lovely.

- Hurry up and eat!
- Oh! Yes, sir.

I ordered boiled eggs and they've
scrambled them, but it doesn't matter.

Will you please hurry up? We're gonna
be in Kobi in just a few minutes now.

I'm doing my best, sir.

You should have been up
and dressed an hour ago.

But I haven't got
any clothes to wear.

What? Y-You have
a dress in there!

That's for the evening. I can't appear at
11.00 in the morning in an evening dress.

You should have thought
about that before.

Wait. There's a dress shop at the top
of the stairs. Ladies dress shop.

- What are your measurements?
- Hmm?

- How tall are you?
- Five foot 7.

- What about around here?
- [Chuckles]

Never mind that.
What about here?

- Modesty forbids.
- Oh!

Now, listen. Remember when I leave,
lock both doors.

- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning.

I'd like to have a lady's suit
for someone about 5 feet 7.

I'm afraid we've nothing in stock.

- What's all this?
- Samples, sir. Our main stores are in London and New York.

I'll take anything you have.
A complete lady's outfit will be fine.

Yes, sir.

[Ship Horn Blowing]

- [Knocking Five Times In Rhythm]
- Ogden!

Here. Here's some clothes.

Hurry up and get dressed. The press
is going to be here in five minutes.

Yes, sir.
[Sighing]

- Aren't you ready yet?
- I'm trying to get ready, sir, but...

You are not trying to get ready.
I've had just about enough of this.

- I'm not gonna stand...
- I gave you my measurements, but...

Listen, I'm not interested in
the problem off your measurements.

- I'm interested in you getting out this door right now.
- What is this for?

- If you're not off this boat in two minutes...
- [Buzzer Buzzing]

- Who is it?
- Steward, sir.

- Yes, sir?
- Clear these things away.

- Yes, sir.
- [Sighing]

- Aren't you ready yet?
- But it's all too big!

- Haven't they got something smaller?
- That's the smallest they have.

- What am I to do?
- "Do"? Get dressed and get off the boat!

It's absurd. I can't go ashore like
this. I'd be arrested. They don't fit.

Then you'll go as you are.

In your pyjamas?

- Take off those pyjamas.
- Would that look nice?

Take off those pyjamas
or I'll tear them off.

- [Gasping] Oh!
- You heard what I said.

- Take 'em off.
- Oh, please, my nerves.

- Take them off.
- Oh, this is silly.

- You'll see how silly this is.
- Oh!

Ah!

Take 'em off.

Oh, please. Do you want me
to call the Captain?

Oh, but really.
What are we doing?

Ooh! Ooh! Oh, dear!

You'll get off this boat if I...

- [Buzzer Buzzing]
- Who is it?

It's Crawford, sir.

Come in, ladies and gentlemen.
Please be seated.

- How do you do?
- Good morning.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce
His Excellency, Ogden Mears?

- How do you do?
- Good morning. How many in your party, Mr Mears?

There are three of us,
Mr Crothers, Mr Crawford and myself.

- I understand you've been made Ambassador to Saudi Arabia.
- Yes, that's right.

Are you going
directly there now?

No, I'll go to Washington
for the usual formalities.

- Is your wife going with you?
- I hope so.

[Man] Mr Ambassador,
what is your solution for peace?

The solution for peace
lies in man himself.

In this atomic age
and the power of military might...

- Wait, I'll get you a towel.
- Liberty, freedom and justice...

are generalities that have been
quoted as an excuse for aggression.

- [Natascha] Ah!
- Nature has given us...

the, uh, technological ability to...

...military might, but is built
on the foundation of peace...

and goodwill to all men.

In this atomic age,
only the morality of man...

can help him to survive.

The solution for peace is in truth...

and tolerance and understanding.

- Thank you, gentlemen.
- [Crawford] That will be all, ladies and gentlemen.

- [Steward] Refreshments over here, please.
- Ogden, I've got to talk to you.

- Not now, old man.
- But, Ogden!

I'm sorry. I need rest.
I'm going back to bed.

Are you kidding? A dame
in your bathroom. I went to get a towel.

I'll talk to you about that later
on the Promenade Deck.

She says she's a stowaway
and she's going to America.

How did she get
into your pyjamas?

Like a fool, I loaned her a pair
of my pyjamas to sleep in.

[Bell Dinging]

Well, you'll have to pay her off.

I offered to pay her expenses back
to Hong Kong, but she won't take it.

That's peanuts.
She's out for big dough.

Why don't you get off the boat
and leave her flat?

[Ship Horn Blowing]

Too late.

I've gotta do something.
I just can't leave her...

downstairs in that cabin
with my pyjamas.

It puts me in a terrible spot.
What am I gonna do?

All right. Let's go to lunch
and afterwards you let me talk to her.

[Key Rattling In Lock]

[Door Slamming]

- [Knocking Five Times In Rhythm]
- Mr Mears.

- Oh!
- That's all right. This is Mr Crothers.

You met him this morning
in the bathroom, I believe.

- How do you do?
- Well, I see you've been playing chess.

- Alone?
- Yes.

I took the liberty of putting on
another pair of your pyjamas...

after the other one
had been ripped off.

- Where's the torn one?
- I hid it. I didn't think you wanted anyone to see it.

- You think I give a damn who sees it?
- You spoilt my move.

Now, now, Ogden. Let's settle
this thing without any bitterness.

Natascha, I understand
you want to go to America.

- Yes.
- Good.

Now, Ogden tells me you have
neither a passport nor a visa.

- I don't need them.
- What makes you think you don't need them?

- Because I haven't got them.
- Fair enough.

- See, she's insane.
- Because I haven't a passport?

What's the use
of arguing with her?

Don't you realize
that you'll be caught?

I have no intention
of being caught.

- But you have to pass the Immigration officers.
- So what?

[Buzzer Buzzing]

- Who is it?
- Chief Steward, sir.

Excuse me. Do you mind
closing all your port-holes, sir?

Yes, it seems to be
blowing up out there.

Just a little sloppy. Nothing serious.
[Chuckling]

Yes.

All clear.

- What are you hiding for?
- Me? I don't know.

However, let's get down to business.

Natascha, I like you.

And I think
I'm a good judge of character.

You mustn't mind Ogden.
He's a little abrupt, but he means well.

Well, you mean well, but he hasn't
approached you in the right way.

I'm sure you don't
want to ruin his career.

All I want is to get to America.

Well, that can be arranged, if you'll
get off at Tokyo and take another boat.

If you get off at Tokyo,
I'll give you $25,000.

You don't seem to understand.
I don't want money.

This is a trick and you're
not getting away with it.

Natascha, how much
do you want?

- I don't want money.
- And I don't want this.

- We'll give you $50,000.
- There's no use in arguing.

Best thing to do is go to the Captain
and tell him the whole story.

Then I'll tell him my side. How you
kidnapped me, locked me in your cabin...

and after attacking me,
tried to get rid of me.

Do you think I give
a hoot for your threats?

[Groaning]

Now, wait a minute.
This is getting us nowhere.

Ogden, you can catch
more flies with honey...

than you can with...

With what?

Well, I'd say mustard or vinegar.

Mustard and vinegar?

What's that got to do with it?

Well, you can get more
with honey. Honey, huh.

Now, listen, "Natischa. "
If Ogden goes to the Captain...

he'll believe him before he'll believe
you, and you'll be sent to jail.

If you'll get off the boat at Tokyo
without a scandal, we'll give you $ 75,000.

I don't want money.
[Hiccups]

Ogden, you're dealing
with an odd character.

This is a hold-up.
I'm going straight to the Captain.

Don't do anything rash, Ogden.

Ogden?

- Ogden, before you do anything...
- [Groaning]

[Wind Howling]

Out!

What do you think
you're doing? Oh.

Harvey, ring for some ice water.

You leave this cabin immediately.

- Well, good morning, Ogden.
- Hello, Harv.

- How do you feel?
- Wonderful.

Good. Say, you had
quite a siege of it.

For a while there,
I thought it was serious.

It was a touch of the old malaria.
I get it every once in a while.

- But now I feel great.
- Good.

- Say, uh, how's the situation down below?
- I don't know what to think.

She stayed up two days and nights
dosing me with quinine...

and taking my temperature.

She wanted to send for the ship's doctor
when she thought it was serious.

Of course I stopped her.

Three days we arrive in Honolulu,
then she says she'll disappear.

- I'll miss her.
- So will I.

I'll miss the tension,
the excitement of it all.

We were wondering
what had become of you.

- Well, I...
- I hope you haven't been seasick.

- Actually, it was quite something else.
- Everybody's been seasick.

At least it'll give them
something to talk about at dinner.

How sick they were,
what they ate.

Daddy says it's surprising what people will
talk about to make themselves interesting.

## [Samba]

- I can't do that.
- Oh, yes, you can.

I'll show you.
There. Isn't it wonderful?

I think dancing
stimulates conversation.

Wasn't it Aristotle who used to walk and
lecture around the Lyceum and talk of the soul?

Though Daddy says he never had
a clear idea of what the soul is.

But Daddy has.
He says the soul is desire.

And that the whole of life is desire.

I think it's a wonderful idea.

Well, if you can't shimmy,
we'll just dance ordinary.

Do you believe
in the immortality of the soul?

- Well...
- Daddy does. He believes that when we die...

our souls go on until they're
reborn again through love.

- Love?
- You don't believe in love?

- Well, I...
- Daddy does.

He loves everybody,
except the Communists. [Laughing]

- You're in the Diplomatic Service, aren't you?
- Yes.

How boring it must be
to be diplomatic to everyone.

- But you're Ambassador to Arabia, aren't you?
- Yes, I...

- Have you been there before?
- Oh, yes.

- Do tell me about it. I adore Arabs.
- Well, the Arabs are very inter...

Quite a crowd tonight. You'd never suspect
that most of them have been seasick.

One passenger has been confined
to her cabin ever since we left Hong Kong.

Her empty chair is next to mine
in the dining room.

I'm so intrigued to see
what she looks like.

- [Knocking Five Times In Rhythm]
- It's Harvey!

Peek-a-boo.

Well, I-I see you're
enjoying yourself.

I thought I'd come see that you
weren't getting into any mischief.

- Mischief?
- Well, it's a difficult situation.

[Sighs]
I'll be glad when it's over.

- You really think you'll be able to land in the States?
- Oh, yes.

I sincerely wish you all the luck
in the world. I know Ogden does.

Ogden?

Oh, yes, he...
He speaks very well of you.

That's surprising.

Well, it's all difficult.

These close quarters. He's very
suspicious. You're very attractive.

That's what he's fighting against.

He seems to have won.

Unfortunately,
it started out the wrong way.

But he'll miss you.

Hmm.

Oh, yes. He said so himself.

He'll be only too glad
to get rid of me.

I don't know.

- What's he doing upstairs?
- Dancing with some young blonde.

- Is she pretty?
- Well, she's young.

Hey, what are you doing?
You put the five in the wrong place.

[Door Unlocking]

Electrician to fix the lights
in the sitting room and bedroom.

- Could you come back in half an hour?
- Very well, sir.

It's the electrician to fix the lights
here and in the bedroom.

They've been here every ten minutes,
rapping on the door.

- Now they have a passkey.
- I don't like that passkey business.

I think you'd be safer upstairs dancing.

- Ogden would be furious.
- Not when I tell him about the electrician with the passkey.

Well, if I'm caught, it's better
to be upstairs than down here.

Now that's the spirit! If you stay
down here, you'll go stir crazy.

## [Orchestra Playing Waltz]

- You stay here. I'll find Ogden.
- Don't leave me alone!

No. No. I'll only be a minute.

- Excuse me. May I have this dance?
- [Gasps] Harvey!

No, it's all right. How do you do?
I'll meet you back here.

Why aren't you dancing, Captain?

I was just about to ask
this very attractive young lady.

You better be nice to him.
We're all under his control.

I've been wondering about
the immortality of the soul.

[Bandleader]
Change your partners.

Change your partners.

I don't think I've seen you
throughout the voyage.

- Of course, you're the lady who's been confined to her cabin.
- Yes, yes.

It's a pity you're such a poor sailor.
However, that's our misfortune.

- Change your partners.
- Thank you so much.

Why did you leave the room?

The electricians wanted to fix the lights.
They have a passkey.

- You mean they saw you?
- Of course not.

- Harvey answered the door.
- What was he doing there?

I'm lucky he was there.
Otherwise, they would have seen me.

- What were you and the Captain talking about?
- He asked if I was enjoying the trip.

- What did you tell him?
- I said every moment of it.

Change your partners.

Natascha! What are you
doing away from Hong Kong?

- I'm going to San Francisco.
- Alone?

- I'm looking for a job.
- You don't have to look far. I'll give you a job.

Oh, no. I'm not looking
for that kind of work.

[Chuckling]

Where have you been?
I haven't seen you around the whole trip.

- I've been confined to my cabin.
- Hiding from someone?

- I've been very sick.
- Where is your cabin?

- None of your business.
- All right, I'll find out from the purser.

## [Trumpet]

- Let's go to the bar and have a drink.
- No, I'm very tired. I'm going to bed.

- I'll go with you.
- No, you won't.

- Then have a drink.
- I'm going straight to my cabin.

You can't get rid of me. I'm either going
to your cabin or we're going to have a drink.

I'll have a drink.

- I told her to meet me here.
- Where are they?

Oh, there they are at the bar.

- I wonder what they're talking about.
- Let's go and listen.

[Coughing]

- Yes, sir.
- A martini.

- And you?
- Beer.

Hey, come on, honey,
where is your cabin?

- Wouldn't you like to know?
- Come clean, honey. Don't play the virgin.

Virgin? What's that?

I see I'll have to teach you
the facts of life.

Now, listen, honey, I...

- Still playing hard to get?
- No, hard to please.

What's wrong with me?
Have I got leprosy or something?

Yes.

Whether I have or not,
I'm going with you.

They must be in the other corridor.
I'll go 'round, meet them face on.

Okay.

- Natascha, come on.
- Really, I must say goodnight.

- Why the anticlimax?
- Hello, chum! How've you been?

- Say, how's the wife?
- Who are you?

Are you kidding? I'm the brother
of that guy who sold you the used Pontiac.

- Let's have a drink.
- I don't know you.

Of course you do. You've been talking
to my sister all night.

- That's not your sister.
- It's not my uncle.

- [Knocking Seven Times In Rhythm]
- Ogden.

I hope you enjoyed yourself,
letting everybody know you were here.

Flaunting and parading
around this ship.

What are you trying to do?
Ruin my career, destroy me?

I was beginning to
believe in you, trust you.

I thought there was something decent,
something worthwhile.

But you're just a common harlot.

Dragging me into
your sordid intrigues.

Leering into the face
of that stupid paramour of yours.

Why don't you go hide
in his cabin?

- Why don't you torment him?
- I won't torment you any longer.

It has not been cheerful for me either
to endure your contempt every day.

I thought I could take it, but I can't.

You win.

[Groans]
No. No, I won't.

You're crazy.

Maybe.

- Where you going?
- To the purser and give myself up.

Oh, don't worry. I'll keep your
spotless reputation out of it.

I'll tell him I've been hiding
in second class.

Why this sudden change
in attitude?

- Why yours?
- You know why.

Good morning, purser. Could you tell
me the cabin number of Miss Natascha...

I don't know her other name,
but I know her quite well.

- Perhaps you mean Miss Gaulswallow.
- Who?

Gaulswallow.

- Yeah, I guess so.
- I don't think she wants to be disturbed.

Okay, but I'd like to
send her some flowers.

[Sniffing]

Flowers for Miss Gaulswallow.

Oh, dear, dear.
I don't know him.

Take them away.
They take up all the oxygen.

They take up all the oxygen.

Anna Pooh, my old friend.

Oh, that red tongue!

Nurse!

Take my Russian friend away.

He's too big
and I don't like his red tongue.

Ohh, ohh, more colours.

Oh, not that.
No more of that.

I don't like the green either.
Put that right away.

Ooh! How awful.

In the drawer, please.

Give me the chocolates.

[Knocking]

The Captain, madam.

Well, I... I...

Captain!
Oh, how nice of you.

Chocolates.

Oh, how perfectly charming.

[Sighing] Nurse, will you
put these by the port-hole?

Just the sort of thing
my nephews will enjoy.

Nurse!
My thermometer.

Give it to me.
I'll shake the thing myself.

- [Knocking On Door]
- [Muffled Speech]

Nurse, where's
my thermometer?

I've lost my thermometer.
Or did I swallow it?

Come in!

What was that?
Something flew in and then flew out.

Must have been a bat.
[Laughing]

The man that looked after you since
you were 14, was he a White Russian?

Yes.

Was he married?

Yes. Separated from his wife.

He was a desperate man.

They say he was a gangster,
but he was very kind to me.

God knows what I would have
done without him.

Did you love him?

I was too young.

How old was he?

Sixty-three when he died.

What's the matter?

Me? Nothing.

- Are you sure?
- Of course.

At 10.00 I have to look for Crawford
and send some cablegrams.

You look worried.

I'm just wondering
how you're going to land in the States.

Please don't worry about it.

You have to be realistic.
In two days, you're going to be in Hawaii.

Yes, I'm getting off there. It will be
easier getting into the States that way.

- Suppose you get into trouble.
- Whatever happens, you won't be involved.

You have to be realistic, face facts.
What are your plans?

I can supply you with money,
but supposing you do get into trouble?

- I'd like to be of some help.
- Please don't feel obligated.

The moment we arrive in Honolulu,
I shall have vanished.

You're so remote, so alone.

That's what saddens me.

Don't be sad. That's too easy.

Be like me.

- At this moment, I'm very happy.
- This moment.

That's all we can ask for.

This moment.

[Chuckles]
There'll be many moments.

I wonder.

Of course.

Our lives are so different,
so far apart.

No need to be, if we're discreet.

I hate to leave, but it's 10.00
and I have to send those cablegrams.

Oh. Don't worry.

I want to help, and I can.
But I must know your plans.

And meanwhile, don't vanish.
We still have two more days.

I won't.

- [Knocking]
- It's Harvey.

[Laughing]
Good morning.

I just met your boyfriend
who pursued you last night.

He's still roaming the boat,
looking for your room number.

Am I intruding?

Two more days.

Yep. I could see it coming.

Both of you falling in love.

I don't know about Ogden...

but this is a new experience for me.

Well, it happens in the best
of regulated families.

I don't want to fall in love.

I think he's very fond of you.

However, if you ever got into trouble,
his friendship could be very useful.

Oh, it's all so hopeless.

I don't agree.

Well, in two days, it will be over.

- You're leaving at Honolulu?
- Yes.

- Have you thought about what you're going to do?
- I have a plan.

Well, it better be a good one.

Harvey?

If I tell you, promise me
you won't tell Ogden.

- Why?
- He's very conservative. He might object.

- What are you going to do?
- Dive off the boat.

Oh, honey, where did you get that idea?
You'll break your neck!

Oh, no, no. In Hawaii, they come
in little boats and dive for money.

Some climb aboard
and dive off the boat. I can do that.

[Radio]
# Why do stars shine so bright #

# Why does the nightingale
sing at night #

# Because they believe in love #

## [Fades Away]

## [Starts Loudly]

# Why should I look and sigh #

How fortunate that
my chair's next to yours.

- # I believe in love ##
- I'll turn this off.

Now we can talk.

I'm interrupting your reading.
How inconsiderate of me.

Nothing's more annoying than to have
someone interrupt your reading.

Daddy says it's a lack
of consideration for other people.

Where's your friend, the Ambassador?

He seems to have erased himself
completely during the voyage.

Daddy says that people who erase
themselves have a profound shyness...

which really means that they're
afraid of exposing themselves.

Hmm.

Oh, the silence is frightening.

Would you like some more music?

[Announcer] Mrs Martha Mears,
wife of Ambassador Ogden Mears...

will await her husband's arrival
in Honolulu this evening.

Rumours have been rife that
the Ambassador and his wife...

are getting a divorce.

Nevertheless, Mrs Mears says she will
accompany her husband to Washington.

- He's getting a divorce!
- Excuse me.

Your wife's waiting for you in Honolulu.
It just came over the radio.

I know. I just got a telegram.

She's coming aboard this evening
and she's not getting a divorce.

What about Natascha?

That's the problem.

You've got to think fast.
We arrive at 9.30.

- You've got to get her out of your cabin!
- Where's she gonna go?

- She can sleep in my cabin.
- That's out.

[Ship Horn Blowing]

You didn't let me finish.

I could double in
with Crawford or Hudson.

Crawford and Hudson
are staying with two other fellows.

- You can't let her stay where she is.
- Obviously not.

I've got it. You can say
she's married to Hudson.

- Hudson?
- Say, that's an idea. If she was married to an American citizen...

she could get into the States
without any trouble.

- You wish to see me, sir?
- Yes, Hudson. Sit down.

Thank you, sir.

- Would you like a drink?
- Uh, no, thank you, sir.

Uh, Hudson, you are
an American citizen, aren't you?

I've been an American citizen
for the past 16 years, sir.

- Good. I want you to do me a favour.
- Yes, sir.

You remember that attractive lady
I was dancing with last night?

I do, sir.

Well, I want you to marry her.

- Marry who, sir?
- The lady I just mentioned.

It'll only be a temporary affair,
and afterwards, you can get a divorce.

If I may say so, sir,
this is rather sudden.

I think I will take
a brandy after all, sir.

I agree it's somewhat extemporaneous,
but it's a matter of urgency.

If the lady is married to
an American citizen...

she'll have little trouble
getting into the States.

And when does all this
happen, sir?

In about ten minutes.

- I still have to speak to the lady, of course.
- She doesn't know yet?

Oh, no, not yet. But don't worry.
We're arranging that.

I think you should
be married before lunch.

You will have a brandy?

Make it a double, if you please, sir.

Double brandy, please.
I'll have the same. Thank you.

If I might ask a rather
connubial question, sir...

what happens this evening,
that is, tonight?

After the marriage.

Oh, nothing that
concerns you, Hudson.

You'll be sleeping in the same room,
but in different beds.

I think you should be
getting yourself ready.

I think you can wear an ordinary
lounge suit for the wedding.

- Yes, sir.
- Fine.

And while you're getting dressed,
I'll talk to the lady.

Thank you.

[Knocking Seven Times In Rhythm]

What's this I hear?
I'm to marry Hudson?

- Well, it's an emergency.
- Yes, but Hudson!

It'll solve all our problems.
You'll be married to an American citizen.

You'll have little trouble getting into the
States, and afterwards you can get a divorce.

I've got nothing to wear.
I can't get married in your pyjamas.

- [Knocking]
- Harvey!

It's all arranged. Captain'll
be down in a couple minutes.

- What did you tell him?
- I gave him a line about how her papers blew overboard.

She met Hudson, they fell in love.
Well, the Captain's on.

He understands the situation,
but it's gonna cost you dough.

- How's the happy bride?
- I wish I were back in Hong Kong.

[Buzzer Buzzing]

That's the Captain.

- How do you do, sir?
- How do you do?

This is to be kept
strictly confidential.

- I understand, Mr Mears.
- Mr Harvey has explained everything.

Good. I assure you
it will be deeply appreciated.

- We're only too pleased to help out in such matters.
- [Buzzer Buzzing]

- Who is it?
- Hudson, sir.

- You're late.
- I'm sorry, sir.

Captain, I'd like to present Hudson,
the, uh, bridegroom.

How do you do?
Now, where's the bride?

Oh, I believe
she's still dressing.

Are you ready?

Oh, the Captain.
It's all too big. Nothing fits! Look!

You're losing weight.
You've been dieting too much.

Let's get on with it.

Countess, bridegroom.

Mr Harvey, you're the best man.
Mr Ogden, the witness.

We'll fill out the forms later.

Now then.

Do you, Henry Lewisham
Arthur Hudson...

take this woman to be
your lawful wedded wife...

till death do you part?

Oh! Oh!

- Well, he's just over-excited.
- Water!

Hudson, whatever
made you faint?

I suppose it was the excitement
of those drastic words.

- Drastic?
- "Till death do us part. "

- That's no reflection on you, madam.
- Now what's going to happen?

That's what I would like to know.

Nothing's going to happen.
You'll retire as usual.

Hudson will sleep in the same room,
but in the other bed of course.

- I hope so.
- The other bed. The one near the door.

Just not to obfuscate matters.

Listen, this marriage
is just a formality.

- The moment we get ashore, I want a divorce.
- Whatever your desire is.

- I am always at your service.
- [Scoffs]

Hudson, don't let
the champagne go to your head.

- Better go to bed.
- Very well, sir. Goodnight, Mr Ogden.

- Goodnight.
- Goodnight, Mr Harvey.

Madam, I presume
I'll see you later.

[Ogden] Where are you going?
There's the bedroom.

The whole thing is an awful mess.

- This is Harvey's idea.
- Why can't I sleep on the sofa?

- Natascha, let's don't go into all that again.
- Where do you sleep?

I have to sit up and explain
the situation to Martha.

- Why don't you have the Captain explain?
- [Car Horn Honking]

He's gone ashore.

If Martha finds you here without
an explanation, it's gonna create scandal.

I hate to interrupt. But I think
Martha just drove up in a Cadillac.

- Natascha, please go to bed!
- How can I with that man?

- [Buzzer Buzzing]
- [Gasps]

There's no lock on this door.

- That man is crazy.
- Oh, Natascha, please go to bed.

To think of having to do all this
to get a passport. Huh!

- Ice water, sir.
- Oh.

- I'll check to see if Martha's arrived yet.
- Okay.

[Gargling]

Goodnight.

Oh!

In the excitement,
I forgot to brush my teeth.

[Brushing, Spitting]

Boo!

Goodnight.

Aah!

[Door Opens]

Hudson, find me some pyjamas.

Oh, you've got mine on.
Find me something to sleep in.

- Hasn't she arrived yet?
- No, not yet. Expected momentarily.

- I'm so nervous.
- Natascha, don't worry.

Please, don't worry. Everything will
work out the minute we get you ashore.

- Do you require a valise, sir?
- No, I'll take them.

Thank you.

- Now, trust me.
- Hmm.

- Goodnight, Hudson.
- Goodnight, sir.

It's Harvey!

I just heard from Martha. She won't
be coming aboard till 12.00 tomorrow.

[Clears Throat]
Goodnight, Harv.

- Hudson, in the other room. I'm sleeping here tonight.
- Oh.

- Goodnight, sir.
- Goodnight.

Oh! Oh.

- May I come in?
- [Gasps]

Excuse me. My medicine.

- [Buzzer Buzzing]
- Mr Hudson?

- [Buzzer Buzzing]
- Mr Hudson, your tea.

- Oh! Wait a moment!
- Oh!

Good morning, sir.
Congratulations.

Huh.

Good morning, madam.
Your tea.

Mmm.

- Would you like to order breakfast, sir?
- Hmm?

Oh.

I think I'll have the oatmeal porridge,
the English pork sausages...

Oh, pardon me, madam.
What would you like for breakfast?

Eggs and bacon,
toast and coffee.

[Horns Honking]

I hate to disturb you,
but there's a little trouble...

about Mrs Hudson's papers
having been blown overboard.

They say the marriage isn't legal unless
she produces her identification papers.

What do they expect the lady to do, jump in the
middle of the Pacific Ocean to recover her papers?

Unfortunately, there's a report that a lady stowaway
is aboard, and they're taking every precaution.

What's a stowaway got to do with it?
All that's involved is a marriage.

You were witness to that.
You married them.

Nevertheless, they want
to see the lady's passport.

She doesn't need a passport
to go ashore in Honolulu.

She's married to an American citizen.

Quite so. But if her papers
of identification are missing...

then a marriage at sea
is not recognized.

She's an alien and will have to go
before an Immigration board of enquiry.

- [Buzzer Buzzing]
- The purser's asked to see you, sir.

Yes, of course. I'll see him right away.
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.

It's time for me to disappear.

Why? The Captain married you,
and that's a legal fact.

- But the marriage has not yet been consummated, sir.
- Yet? Hmph.

Hudson, your mind
is running in another channel.

The important thing is the papers.

What are you gonna tell them
about the papers?

Mr Ogden didn't tell me
anything about papers.

Her identification papers,
her birth certificate, her passport!

We've been all through that with you.
What are you gonna tell them?

- Oh, that. I shall tell them the truth, as you told me.
- As I told you?

As you told me to tell it.

I didn't tell you anything.
You remember that. Go ahead.

I can only tell them
how I met my first wife.

How you first met
your wife. Oh!

It was a breezy afternoon.
I was walking on the top deck...

and there she was, holding
down some papers in her lap.

- It was love at first sight.
- Ugh!

- Hurry up and get to the point, Hudson.
- Yes, sir.

Suddenly, there was a gust of wind,
and the papers blew overboard.

Hudson, you have literary talent.

[Buzzer Buzzing]

We better go, Mr Hudson.
The Immigration officials are waiting.

No, now wait Just one moment.
I think I should go with Hudson.

An excellent idea.
Your presence will be efficacious.

- Would you like me to go along?
- No, stay here and look after Natascha.

Don't worry.

Mr Mears, I think we better go.

Come along, Hudson.

- [Door Closes]
- Harvey, you remember what I told you about Honolulu?

- You're not going to dive off the boat?
- Now is the time.

While they're questioning Hudson.

[Chattering]

[Crowd On Ship Gasping]

[Man]
Oh!

- I'll see you on the beach at Waikiki.
- Mm-hmm.

- If I'm far off, jump up and down, then I'll recognize you.
- Mm.

So if I make it,
I'll see you later.

- [Man] Hmm. Here's another one.
- [Crowd Murmuring]

If you make it?

Wait a minute!
What do you mean, "If you make it"?

- I'm scared.
- What?

And here goes.

[Crowd Cheering]

[Crowd Applauding]

- [Applauding Continues]
- What's going on out there?

That's a Hawaiian
diving off the boat.

Now, Mr Hudson,
we'd like to see your wife.

I believe she's taking a bath.

Oh, my. How nice.

Maria, qu'avez vous fait
de nos bagages?

J'en ai gard� quartre et je vais renvoyer
le reste par I'American Express.

- Comme vous me I'avez demand�.
- C'est bon.

- Est-ce que c'est votre suite?
- Je crois.

- Ah, Martha!
- Hello, Harvey.

- Oh, what comfortable quarters you have.
- Oh, yes.

Lovely. Where's Ogden?

Uh, he's up in the lounge
with Hudson.

You know, Hudson's married now.

Hudson married?
Oh, really? That's odd.

Yes. Ah, well,
the Captain married them.

- Can I get you something?
- No, it's much too early.

[Buzzer Buzzing]

Captain, this is
Mrs Ogden Mears.

- How do you do? Pardon me.
- How do you do?

- We're still waiting for Mrs Hudson.
- She's taking a bath.

She should be finished.
I'll go and see.

Well.

Can I get you something, Captain?

- No, thanks. But if you don't mind my waiting.
- Quite all right.

[Exhales]

- Hello, Martha.
- Hello, Ogden.

Well, you've met the Captain.

- Yes, of course.
- We're looking for Mrs Hudson.

The Immigration officers are in the lounge
and I don't like to keep them waiting.

- Not in the bathroom. I looked all over.
- It's very serious.

Without her identification papers,
she can't land anywhere. She doesn't exist.

- If she doesn't exist, there's no problem.
- I think we should look for her.

It might be a good idea if you had
another look in the bathroom.

[Nervous Chuckle] Martha,
would you excuse us for a moment?

All right, Captain.

Hey!

- Waikiki?
- [Man In Truck] Hop in the back, sister.

Thank you!

Whew! That's the strangest thing
I've ever known.

She's disappeared.

I think we better search
the entire boat.

[Ship Horn Blowing]

Good morning, madam.

Congratulations, Hudson.
I hear you're married now.

Well, in a way, yes.

Hudson, what do you mean?

The marriage has not yet
been consummated.

- What is she, an American?
- No, madam, she is from Hong Kong.

- Chinese?
- I shouldn't think so, madam.

She is a Russian emigr�.

- Well, I should like to meet her.
- I'll do my best, madam.

[Chuckles]
Well.

Hudson, it seems as though
your wife has disappeared.

Oh, that's awful.
Poor Hudson.

- I was beginning to grow very fond of her.
- What have you done to the lady?

Oh, nothing, madam.
The marriage was never consummated.

You've got "consummated"
on the brain.

- I think I'll go ashore and do some shopping.
- I think I'll go with you, Harvey.

Don't go yet, Ogden.

I've just ordered lunch, and there's one
or two things I'd like to discuss with you.

I'll stay and have something with you.
What has madam ordered?

- A consummated soup, sir.
- What's that?

[Blubbering]
Consomm�, sir.

- Cold chicken, asparagus and a bottle of Chablis.
- I'll have the same.

- I'll see you both later.
- The Waikiki Hotel at 5.30 for cocktails.

Uh, you may go, Hudson.

- Did you hear from Washington?
- I got this letter this morning.

Here's the substance of it:

"To allay rumours of divorce, Martha and
you should return to the States together.

I advise this because of my great
affection for you both. " Etc., etc., etc.

So.

If this arrangement
doesn't work out...

how will it affect
my divorce settlement?

You can put that in escrow.

Unfortunately, the only interest I have
is money, having had no children.

- Am I to blame for that?
- No.

No, neither one of us is to blame.

The desire for happiness
fooled us both.

Happiness, eh?

I was going to say "love"...

but I don't think either one of us
knows what the word means.

In any case, what are you
gonna do about Washington?

Well...

I don't look forward to spending
the rest of my life in Saudi Arabia.

She has long, dark hair,
wears a sarong...

and looks like a Hawaiian.

A lot of dames look
like that around here.

She said she'd meet me
on the beach at Waikiki.

- [Chuckles] I think she's kidding you.
- Maybe.

- Where's the beach at Waikiki?
- That's the Waikiki Hotel.

- Can I check this suitcase, please?
- Certainly, sir.

- [Rings] - What name?
- Harvey Crothers.

Check Mr Crothers' case
into the cloakroom.

- Is the Waikiki Beach near here?
- It's just outside, sir.

That's strange.

I can't stop!

Oh! All this jumping up and down
is like running ten miles.

It's so good
to see you again.

- Let's sit down.
- [Panting]

I didn't think I'd see you again
after that dive. It was perfect.

- What's happening on the boat?
- They're still waiting for you in the lounge.

- And Ogden?
- He's with his wife.

Yes.

I bought you some clothes.
Oh, I know the other ones were too big.

These are smaller. There's a place
You can change next to the pool.

Meanwhile, I'll book you a room
at the hotel.

- They might be looking for Mrs Hudson.
- Not a chance.

I'll book them under my name.

For the time being,
you're Mrs Harvey Crothers.

- Remember me?
- Yes, sir.

- I'd like an outside suite.
- Certainly. For yourself?

- For my wife. I'm leaving for the mainland.
- Very well.

- Do you wish to see the rooms now?
- No, I'll wait for my wife.

- Fine.
- Well, here she...

- Well!
- It doesn't fit. This is too tight.

I can't breathe.
[Coughing]

You dropped your change.

Will you sign the register,
Mrs Crothers?

- C-R-O...
- T-H...

She's not here.

- Let's have some tea.
- Yeah.

Ah, there he is.

I'm sorry I'm late. I had to leave
Ogden with the Immigration authorities.

- It seems they're still looking for Hudson's wife.
- Ah, yes.

- [Suitcases Dropping]
- There she is.

Hudson, you haven't been
drinking before lunch?

The poor man is so distressed
since his wife went away.

That's the third person
he's mistaken for his wife.

Oh, I beg your pardon.
Martha, this is my wife, Mrs Crothers.

- Mrs Ogden Mears.
- How do you do?

How do you do?

- [Clears Throat]
- You know, Harvey is so secretive.

He never told me a word
about his marriage.

Well, there's not much to tell.
We haven't been married long.

Have we?

As soon as something develops,
we'll let you know.

No, I mean,
when did you marry?

Ah-ha-ha!
That's the secret.

However, you must bring
your wife to Arabia...

once we've refurbished
the Embassy, but not before...

otherwise you'll have to sleep
in a tent like the rest of us.

- ## [Orchestra]
- A tent? That's rather romantic.

- That depends with whom you share it.
- Hmm.

- Martha, would you like to dance?
- I'd love it.

It'll give me a chance to give
some advice to the lovelorn.

## [Continues]

This is the first chance I've had
to speak to you alone.

There's very little time,
and I've a lot to tell you.

Harvey will be staying behind,
so I'll be in touch with you through him.

He'll be working on
a passport for you.

Martha's coming with me.

That's what I want
to talk to you about.

I got a letter from Washington saying
that Martha should go with me...

to Saudi Arabia
for appearances' sake.

Of course.

Please try to understand.

Of course.

For appearances' sake.

For the esteem of people
I don't give a damn about.

If I had the guts,
I'd rid myself of the whole thing:

Washington, Saudi Arabia and everything.

You can't do that.

Be careful.
We're being watched.

The legal eye is upon us.

You must believe me when I tell you this
is the first real happiness I've known.

I love you very much.

- Your wife looks sad.
- You think so?

What nonsense.
She's not your wife.

- Martha, you're being silly!
- Not as silly as you think.

I've been talking to someone
who knew her in Hong Kong.

The boat passes here at 11.00.

I'll be on deck imagining that
you're sitting here at this table.

Let's dance.

I can't.

I must go to my room
before your wife returns.

I can't say goodbye.
I can't trust myself.

Will you excuse me?

Well, goodbye.
Harvey will take care of everything.

All right. Thank you.

What's happened to Mrs Crothers?

She had a splitting headache
and asked to be excused.

- She won't be seeing us off?
- I don't think so.

- She's going straight to bed.
- Can't we go and see her for a moment?

- It'll be best to let her rest quietly.
- Pardon me, madam.

- It's time to leave for the boat.
- Oh, so soon?

Well.

Hudson, I will need these three closets
and Mr Mears can have the end one.

Very well, madam.

Your big trunks
I'm having put in the hold...

so there'll be more room
for madam's wardrobe.

Okay, Hudson.

Voil�.

- Hudson, have you found your wife yet?
- Not yet, madam.

Surely you're not going
to leave without her.

Whatever happens, I shall deport myself
as a husband and a gentleman.

Maria.

Oh! What's this?

Hudson, does this
belong to your wife?

I haven't the faintest idea.
We haven't been married that long.

[Chuckling]
Oh!

Perhaps you might know something
about this, Your Excellency.

It looks like a two-ring circus.

Ogden, you must be losing
your sense of propriety.

You not only humiliate me
in front of people...

but you insult my intelligence by introducing
that woman as Mrs Harvey Crothers...

and then again as Mrs Hudson
when she's sleeping here in your cabin.

As Ambassador to Saudi Arabia,
it is not exactly comme il faut...

to include in your entourage,
the mistress of a gangster.

A prostitute.

I wonder what your fate would have
been in similar circumstances.

- [Ship Horn Blowing]
- [People Chattering]

## [Band Playing "Auld Lang Syne"]

[Cheering]

## [Hawaiian]

Hello.

- Hello, Harvey? Ogden.
- Haven't you left yet?

- No, I got off with the pilot boat.
- What happened?

I don't know.
I just couldn't take it.

Aren't you going to Washington?
What about your career?

I'd rather be happy
than president.

Listen, where is everybody?

- You know who, your wife.
- I think you mean my wife.

Hudson's giving me
an argument here.

She came down
to the cabaret after you left...

and she's been by the window,
looking out at the sea ever since.

- Did you tell her the news?
- I told her there was nothing to worry about.

The Immigration people have
given her the benefit of the doubt.

She's now Hudson's wife,
married to an American citizen.

Listen, don't tell her I'm here.
I want to surprise her.

Ogden!

- Well, buddy, I hope you're doing the right thing.
- Where is she?

Right where you left her,
sitting by the window.

- See you in the morning.
- ## [Tango]

Yes, sir?

I'm looking for a young lady. I believe
she's sitting alone by the window.

Yes, sir.

## [Continues]

Ogden!

See, you can't get rid of me.

May I have this dance?