Original subtitles

[THUNDER]

[SLICING]

[WHOOSH]

[HEARTBEAT]

[HORN MUSIC TRANSITIONS INTO ROCK THEME]

[FIRE CRACKLING]

[PEN SCRATCHES]

[BIRD CALL]

[WOLF HOWL]

[METALLIC SQUEAK]

[FAINT SCREAMS]

[CROW CAWS]

[MUSIC ENDS]

[JAZZY BACKGROUND MUSIC]

[MUTTERING QUIETLY TO HIMSELF] Hey, Candice...

I'm...I'm Larry.

I go to this school, too.

No.

[CLEARING THROAT]

Hey there, good looking.

Good looking...Good...

[SIGH] Is...Is Candice...

long for Candy?

Because, you look good enough to eat.

Not that I'm... No...Not that I'm a cannibal...

...or anything...

[FEMALE VOICE: Really? That's it?

You know, Larry. This could be the dullest dream I've ever invaded.

Who are you?

Name's Rogers.

I'm your cousin. Well, actually, I was your cousin.

Didn't know I have a cousin...

Had.

Had...A cousin... ...like you.

You don't know much, Larry. That's why I'm here.

How did you know I go to Hackshire High?

Oh, so that's what this is.

You're still in high school. Great.

It's a private school.

[LAUGHING] Yeah, really private I'd say.

Is that why there's nobody here?

It's spring break.

Most of the students already left,

But I'm here boarding with a few others who stayed behind.

Could we back up for a second?

No, I... I...

I mean, to where you said I had a cousin.

Are you... related to me, or...?

...not?

Well I was, but I have some bad news.

Well, mostly bad news for me.

Actually, I'm dead.

[OMINOUS MUSICAL BEAT]

I'm...talking to a dead woman?

Tried not to die, I really did.

Kinda sucks.

[HARP MUSIC]

How are we having this conversation?

I'm in your mind, Larry.

I came to you in a dream.

This...This is all a dream.

I'm inside your head.

Wait...

What about Candice?

She's real. She's Headmaster Hellion's niece.

Is she as hot in real life as she is in your fantasy,

or are you just taking creative liberty?

LARRY: No.

She's pretty hot in general.

And you can't even go up and talk to her in your own dream?

That is really sad, Larry.

Yeah, I'm not, uh...

...exactly what you would call a ladies man.

No. You're what I'd call a warlock.

I'm sorry, what?

You're turning 18 tomorrow, Larry.

There are powers inside of you.

Let's just call them "special abilities"

that have been dormant.

But come tomorrow, they will be quite apparent.

Are you crazy, or...?

Dead. Not crazy.

I was a witch. I know about these things.

My sudden death has activated your warlock status.

You'll be able to do things.

Know things others don't.

It's a blessing and a curse.

Will I be able to talk to Candice?

[EXASPERATED SIGH]

You do not need special abilities to do that.

[SIGH]

I can see this is not going to be an easy transition.

Listen, we do not have much time.

You're going to get a present in the mail to help you,

And when you get control of your special skills,

I'll be back to guide you.

Is this some sort of joke?

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

That's a joke.

Come on!

Get with the program.

You can't stay young forever, Larry Pothead.

You've got to grow up.

Let me help you.

[POPPING SOUND]

What's this?

Candice's bikini.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

-Good morning! -Birthday boy!

LARRY: Hey guys...What's up?

We came to give you your present.

Thanks. Where is it?

You're wearing it.

[LAUGHING]

[INDISTINCT MUTTERING]

You know, guys really shouldn't wear makeup.

Yeah... It wasn't by choice.

Rogers' VOICE: There are powers inside of you...

Come tomorrow, they will be quite apparent.

Buck, do I look different to you at all?

Is that a trick question?

I mean, besides Tank and Simon's makeover.

Well, you're 18.

You can vote.

You're an adult now.

BUCK'S VOICE: Yeah, right.

"Yeah right," what?

What?

Are you making fun of me too, now?

I didn't say anything.

BUCK: How did he hear my thoughts?

Don't be silly. I didn't hear your thoughts.

What? You just did it again.

-Did what? -You heard what I was thinking!

-No, I didn't. -Yes, you did.

No, I didn't.

-BUCK'S VOICE: Did too. -Did not!

You just did again!

What?

I didn't actually say, "Did too."

I only thought it.

[SIGHS]

You're weird.

BUCK: You're reading my mind.

You're hearing my thoughts right now.

I can see it in your eyes.

How are you speaking without opening your mouth?

You're telepathic!

No, I'm not.

That was a dream, that's... None of that was real!

Yes!

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

No, I'm not!

-This is total bull... -Candice! Language.

Total bull. Horns and all.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Why can't I go hang out with Nick

If you're just going to stick here all day?

That's all I want!

Because you're my niece...

Because Nick is no good for you,

and 19 year-old girls really don't know what they want.

Fine! But if I can't go to him, he'll just come to me.

No! He is not allowed on this campus.

I'm the headmaster here, remember?

What I say goes.

Yeah, goes straight into the garbage.

[DOOR UNLATCHES, SQUEAKS OPEN]

[ELECTRONIC BEAT PLAYS THROUGH THE HOUSE]

Oh, hello Headmaster Hellion.

What brings you here today?

What's up, Candy? [LAUGH]

Don't talk to her.

I got a package here for a "Larry Pothead".

Pothead? Larry Pothead?

Is he...?

Nah, his parents make pots and pans for a living.

He's a nerd.

Okay, just... Make sure he gets this.

Alright.

So, when you boys take off for spring break?

-Plans fell through. -Wanna hang?

Ladies do not "hang".

I'll be around.

No, you most certainly will not.

That's not what you just said!

Well since when do you listen to me?

-CANDICE: Since never! -HEADMASTER HELLION: Exactly!

[DOOR LATCHES SHUT]

What do you think that is?

[RATTLING]

-What's up, guys? -SIMON: You tell us!

[LOUD RATTLING]

Let me guess.

-Mittens from Mommy? -A book on bird-watching.

-[QUIET, MAGICAL CHIME] -TANK: What is that?

A magic wand?

What are you? A wizard?

Warlock.

[LAUGHING]

"A warlock."

[DRIVING ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

What do you got there?

Some sort of joke that I don't find very funny.

You hear that, Rogers? I don't believe in magic.

I don't believe in warlocks, And I don't believe in you!

-[SNAP] -[MAGICAL CHIME]

[SUPERNATURAL WHIRRING SOUND]

Larry! Larry! Is there anything I can do-

-[WHOOSH] -[STRANGE STATIC]

-[WHOOSH] -[IMPACT]

[MAGICAL RINGING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[GASP] What happened?

[SCOFFS] Nice work, Boy Blunder.

That wand was sent to help you control your powers.

Direct them. That's what a wand does.

Destroying it just put all those magical powers

inside you, and now you're overloaded.

What does that mean?

Oh, you'll find out.

How can I be a warlock?

My parents were normal people.

Your foster parents were normal people.

Your real parents were quite special.

Every now and then, it skips a generation,

But there always has to be one...gatekeeper, so to speak,

in our community.

-"Gatekeeper." -Uh huh.

I was it, but I failed.

And, unfortunately, you're the only one left

to pass the torch to. It's not such a bad thing.

You can actually have quite a lot of fun

once you get control of your powers.

Well, not that you're supposed to.

You gotta be responsible, but,

I was known to bend the rules, once or twice back in my day.

Was I really reading Buck's mind earlier?

Mmh hmm.

It's one of the abilities.

What are the others?

Do I look like an instruction book to you?

Just don't point at anybody.

Why not?

Now, when you give somebody the finger,

You'll really be giving someone the finger.

-[MAGICAL CHIME] -[WHOOSH]

[IMPACT]

Told ya.

[MAGICAL RINGING]

Buck! Buck!

I'm so sorry! Wake up! Speak to me!

[SPEAKING ROBOTICALLY] My name is Buck Perdue.

I'm 18 years old and I like to watch movies

and eat pizza.

I go to Hackshire High school and hope to be

a plastic surgeon one day, because I love breasts.

Okay, okay. You can stop talking.

[SPEAKING NORMALLY] What...What did you do to me?

Nothing. What makes you think that?

Besides that?

And the whole mind-reading thing earlier?

Okay. My hands can do things.

I don't know what and I don't know how to control it.

Hey, what are you losers up to?

Oh, look. He broke his little wand.

[LAUGHING]

Get out of here before I break yours too!

-[MAGICAL ZAP] -[GROANING IN PAIN]

We...We were just leaving.

That was awesome!

So, you're like a warlock?

I don't know what a real warlock even is.

I've only read about them in kid's books.

But you have powers,

and you can point at things and make stuff happen.

I don't think it's that easy.

Just try it out. What do you have to lose?

Possibly everything.

But...You don't have anything.

Okay, so, who do I try it out on, you?

LARRY: No.

Come on, you owe me, and...

I know you like her.

She hasn't done anything to us.

She's been teasing and taunting us all semester.

Just point and give her one little test command.

Like what? Like, "Bend over?"

Think bigger.

Striptease?

I don't know about you, but I would love to see her...

[INAUDIBLE WHISPERS]

I'm pretty sure that's illegal.

Only if someone is watching.

Isn't that what we'll be doing?

And it will be so great!

No.

No, absolutely not.

Yes.

No! It's not even going to work!

So then thinking about it won't do any harm!

[MAGICAL DRONE]

BUCK: Is she?

LARRY: No way...

Maybe she is.

Come on. I gotta see.

[SIGHS] I mean, it kind of worked.

She is playing with herself, technically.

Very disappointing, okay?

Be more specific this time.

No! No, we're done. These hands are dangerous weapons.

-I don't want to hurt somebody! -But just this one time...?

No, everybody just needs to calm down!

[MAGICAL DRONE]

[YAWNS] So tired!

[YAWN] Me, too.

No, you're right.

I'm...I'm sorry.

Oh my God. What did I do?

Damn these hands!

Hey, kid.

Do you know a "Candy"? I'm supposed to meet her here.

Uhhh... I think she's... resting.

NICK'S VOICE: She's going to need a rest when I get done with her.

That is disgusting.

What? I didn't say anything.

Yeah, but you thought it.

I think you need to cool down.

-[MAGICAL CHIME] -[WIND BLOWING]

Okay.

[SPLASHING SOUND]

[WHISPERING] Rogers!

Miss Rogers!

How do I conjure up the dead?

Oh, don't do that.

Trust me, zombies make everything extremely messy.

First one shows up, then they start multiplying like rabbits.

And don't even get me started with the smell.

Am I dreaming? Awake? What is going on?

Your power's getting stronger.

You just have to calm down,

and then you'll be able to control it.

Okay. Okay, that's good, right?

Yes and no.

What does that mean?

With every positive comes a negative.

What's the negative?

Kevin.

-Who? -He's a demon.

A demon? Named Kevin?

Well, all the cool names were taken. He's not happy about it.

Maybe that's why he's so hellbent

on taking over the world.

Wait, destroying the world? He can do that?

Well, he can try.

But you've got to stop him.

Why didn't you stop him?

Tried. Died. Happens in battle.

This Kevin demon guy is the one that killed you?

Mmh hmm. Now he's coming after you.

Why? Why me?

Because you're the gatekeeper.

You have to stop demons from taking over the world.

It's part of the job description.

Don't you watch television?

There are, like, a hundred TV shows about this.

He can't find me, right?

Oh, he's on his way right now.

How does he know where I am?

-Did you tell him? -No.-

Every time you use your power,

it's like a beacon for demons.

The more powerful you become,

the stronger the signal is.

What does he want from me?

To kill you, of course, and take your power.

[FRUSTRATED SIGH] What's the name of that movie,

you know, "There can only be one!"

It was a TV series, too.

I don't watch television.

Oh, really? God, you are even more

clueless than I thought.

Why didn't you tell me about this in the first place?

Oh, it's your birthday. Didn't want to ruin it.

Kind of a downer.

Demon coming to kill you...

This totally sucks.

Oh yeah. Demons suck.

And they also bite really hard, and they scratch.

You should see my dead body. Not pretty.

Can I run?

Well, while you still have two working legs,

but it's not going to help. Kevin will find you.

You know, it is almost impossible to

make the name "Kevin" sound ominous.

[PUTTING ON A HUSKY VOICE] "Kevin is coming."

"The night Kevin came home..."

"One, two, Kevin's coming for you."

Nah. Doesn't work.

What does this Kevin demon look like?

Well, yeah, that's kind of the tricky part.

This guy's a shape-shifter.

Which means?

He can shift his shape.

Transform. Become whatever he wants.

When will he get here?

Well, he is already here.

[LOUD KNOCKING]

[DOORBELL]

Is that him?

I don't know.

I was a witch, not a psychic.

What do I do?

[MORE KNOCKING]

[DOORBELL]

[KNOCKING]

[KNOCKING]

-Who is it? -Headmaster Hellion.

[DOOR UNLATCHING, SQUEAKING]

Ah, Pothead.

You seen my niece? I don't trust that girl.

[DOOR CLICKS SHUT]

I think I saw her jumping rope earlier.

Jumping rope?

That doesn't sound like her.

More like jumping someone's bones.

Where are the other guys?

Ummm... Not sure.

They're probably having an orgy as we speak.

You got kids, Pothead?

No sir. I'm 18.

Good. Neither do I. Never wanted 'em.

They just bring about a whole lot of...

aggravation, if you ask me.

Then why do you run a high school?

Things don't always go as planned.

Yeah, tell me about it.

[MAGICAL SOUND]

Well, it all started when I was a boy.

Saw an ad for a movie called School of Discipline.

And I thought, well that sounded like a good idea.

My parents taught me discipline.

And I came from a strict upbringing.

And I thought, what goes around comes around.

And if I could instill those values-

That's fascinating, Mr. Hellion.

But don't you need to go find Candice?

You know, that girl is nothing but trouble.

Young men like you, you can be taught, improved...

But the same can't be said for the opposite sex.

They're not to be trusted, Pothead.

They're, uh...mischievous, devious creatures.

Illogical.

And they don't listen to authority.

First there was Lilith.

And then there was Eve.

God's one big mistake.

Yeah, but, can't have can't have children without women, right?

Exactly.

No women, no children. That'd be the perfect world.

Well, look...

If you see my niece, tell her I'm looking for her.

And if she's with that guy Nick,

There's going to be hell to pay.

[MUMBLING] Yeah, you're right about that.

What?

I said, "Will do!" Thanks for stopping by.

[DOOR UNLATCHING]

-[CLEARS THROAT] -[DOOR CLICKS SHUT]

-[SIGHS] -Hey!

How'd you get in here?

Back door was open.

I was wondering if you or some of the other guys

had a change of clothes I could borrow.

I accidentally walked into the pool.

I don't really know why I did that.

Yeah. Just...

Stay...there, just,

stay right there.

Thanks.

[MURMURING]

LARRY: I wish I had a body like that.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Holy crap.

I look...

I look good!

[ELASTIC SNAPPING] Not bad.

-Not bad at all. -Candice!

When did you wake up?

I mean...

What are you doing here?

-Waiting for you. -In my...?

I mean... In Larry's room?

I don't know who's room this is.

I'm just hiding somewhere my uncle couldn't find me.

You didn't get my text to meet me here?

Uh... Yeah, but your uncle was just here looking for you.

Well...

He's not here now.

We're all alone.

Not really, your boyfriend's right downstairs!

What are you talking about? You are my boyfriend.

You think I'm seeing someone else?

[SIGHS]

[MUMBLING] I know you're seeing someone else.

How can you accuse me of something like that?

-That's not what I meant. -Nick!

I would never cheat on you.

Do you... want me to prove it to you?

You...don't have to do that, Candice.

I know, but...

I want to.

I'm ready.

Well, if you want to.

Wait! Stop.

[POWERFUL WHOOSHING SOUND]

I'm not Nick.

[DEMONIC VOICE] And I'm not Candice.

[STRANGE, DEEP DRONING SOUND]

So, you're the chosen one.

And you're gay.

No.

Why would you think that?

What kind of guy tries to stop a beautiful girl

from taking off her clothes in his bedroom?

I thought she thought I was her boyfriend.

That's what nice guys do.

You know what else nice guys do?

They finish last.

Hey. Did you guys find a shirt for me yet?

Guess not.

Definitely gay.

[DEMONIC VOICE] Your power is mine!

[THUNDEROUS WHOOSH]

Rogers! Rogers!

Rogers! How do you kill a demon?

Well, you know, I wasn't very good at it,

but I'm pretty sure running away won't accomplish that goal.

Well, beats dying.

[SHOES SQUEAKING ON FLOOR]

Where did you come from?

Where did you come from?!

Where have you been?

I was taking a nap.

I got so tired all of a sudden.

After you told me to relax...

Hey, did you whammy me?

Not on purpose.

-Buck, I have a serious problem. -Let me guess...

A demon named Kevin is trying to kill you?

Actually yes.

How...How did you know that?

[MAGICAL WHIR]

Surprise!

TANK: Whoa! Just the guy we were looking for.

What did I even do to you guys?

Somehow you hit us in the nuts

while we weren't looking.

I didn't do anything!

I suppose we just hit ourselves, then.

You know what, sounds good to me.

[SUPERNATURAL WAVE SOUND]

Why would we...?

[PUNCH]

What you hitting yourself for?

-[STRANGE DRONE] -Uh...?

-[IMPACT] -[GROAN]

-What are you hitting yourself for? -[PUNCH]

I don't know!

I can't stop!

Me neither!

-[IMPACT] -[GROAN]

[PUNCHES AND STRUGGLING SOUNDS CONTINUE]

Where did you disappear to?

Buck, is that you?

Is that really, really you?

As opposed to...?

A shape-shifting demon taking your form?

-Those things exist? -Yeah.

And one's here to kill me and take my powers

to destroy the world.

Bummer.

Bummer? That's...

That's your response to all that?

You know I'm still trying to come

to new terms with your magical powers.

Going from that to demons ending the world

is a lot to take in, you know?

Maybe we could confuse it.

How?

By turning you into me, and me into you.

But then, if he thinks I'm you,

he's just going to kill me.

Right, but...you don't have to worry about that.

-Why? -'Cause I'll be here.

As me?

Right. As you.

And you'll stop him before he kills you...

Er, I mean, me?

I mean...

Yeah, that's the idea.

Are you trying to confuse the demon, or us?

Buck, it's very simple.

A child could understand this.

Oh, good. Find a child. Maybe he could explain it to me.

You're me, I'm you.

-Get it? -But what if he just decides to kill both of us?

I mean...

Way to be positive.

Hey, what are you guys up to?

Candice.

Hold it. That might not be her.

What, are you blind?

Of course that's her.

LARRY: It may be a demon in disguise.

That's a hell of a disguise.

Have you guys seen Nick?

I was supposed to meet him here but,

for some reason I started jumping rope and fell asleep.

That's very unlike me.

LARRY: Yeah, I've heard that one before.

Just...don't come any closer...

...Or else...

You'll be sorry.

Yeah, he can make you play with yourself again.

He can what?

Why don't you just read her mind to see if it's really her?

Good idea.

CANDICE: What are you guys doing?

LARRY: I'm not picking up any brainwave activity.

Then it's probably her.

You guys are weird.

Wait, don't go.

[MAGICAL CHIME]

What is this? Why can't I move?

Turn around.

How are you making me do this?

You're getting the hang of this.

I'm sorry, we can't have you wandering around out here.

It's too dangerous. Just... let me explain.

-Explain. -Okay, come.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[PANTING]

...over to me! As in walk over to me.

That's what I meant to say.

I'm sorry.

Feeling a little horny, are we?

You're dead.

I killed you.

Ah, you got lucky.

You were no match for me!

[CHUCKLE] That's right, because nobody

can kill the big bad Kevin demon.

I told you not to call me that.

My name is Gozer The Destroyer.

[LAUGHING] That name's already taken.

I don't care!

It's a cool sounding name, and I want it.

You can change your name,

but you're not going to change who you are.

I am an all-power demon,

about to take over the world.

Named Kevin.

[MAGICAL SOUND]

ROGERS: Can't kill someone who's already dead!

After I take that pathetic teen warlock's power,

I will figure out a way to kill you for all eternity.

You know, I would feel a lot safer

if we had a silver bullet,

holy water, garlic, and a cross.

Isn't that stuff for fighting vampires?

At this point, I'm not picky.

KEVIN: Waiting for someone?

Where's your little warlock friend?

Hiding, I bet.

Looks like someone's horny.

I was referring to the demon.

You're the girl he likes.

It was fun pretending to be you.

I heard you were me, too.

Yeah. That wasn't so fun.

Warlock!

Come on out, or I'll kill your friends.

[BLASTING SOUND]

The games are over.

Show yourself, or they die!

Hey. That's my girlfriend! Let her go.

Nick, stay out of this.

You get around, don't you?

I'm warning you, I will bash your face in!

-[BLAST] -[IMPACT]

Unless you want everyone in this house to die,

Then I suggest you show yourself right now!

[GASPING FOR BREATH]

Just as I thought.

[COUGHING]

That can't be.

If you're her, then...

LARRY'S VOICE: Then she's me.

[MAGICAL EXPLOSION]

[CRACKLING ELECTRICITY]

[INCREASING WHOOSHING SOUNDS]

[ECHOING BLAST]

Now banish that bastard back to the underworld.

How do I do that?

The international language for "Go to hell."

-[ABSTRACT STATIC] -[SWISH]

Nooooooooo!

-[EXPLOSIVE SHATTERING] -[ECHOING THUNDER]

You did good, kid.

Now be careful, that's a lot of power you have.

-Use it wisely. -How?

Well, you'll figure it out.

I'd start by getting laid, but that's just me.

See you in about a hundred years.

[CLACKING TEETH]

Is it over?

I think so.

BUCK: It worked!

Told you so.

I never doubted it for a minute.

You know I can still read your mind, right?

I withdraw the statement.

So...

now that I saved your life and all,

I was wondering if maybe, I could...

get your number... or we could go on a date...

-Nick! Are you okay, baby? -Okay.

Never mind.

I'm so confused...

I just came down here to get a shirt.

You never need to wear a shirt.

You're perfect as is.

NICK: Thanks.

Saved my life?

It was because of you I was in danger

in the first place, creep!

[GROANS] I think I need to lie down.

I'll join you.

Great.

They're probably going to use my room.

Perfect.

Hey, don't sweat it, buddy.

I mean, with powers like yours,

you could have any girl you want.

I mean, you're like a superhero, and...

chicks dig superheroes.

-I'm a warlock. -A teen warlock.

So what, what does that mean?

It means, you're entitled to have some fun.

Make a few mistakes.

It's spring break, remember?

It's barely sundown and you've already saved the world.

It's still your birthday.

How about you and me hit up Fort Lauderdale?

A warlock loose in South Beach?

The possibilities are endless.

Wait, neither of us have a car, how are we...

...or even any money!

How are we going to get there?

Just concentrate.

Click your heels together three times

and see what happens.

Alright.

But don't let things get out of control.

Wouldn't dream of it.

[MAGICAL, SHIMMERING SOUND]

[WHOOSH]

-[EXPLOSION] -[RECORD SCRATCH]

LARRY: Sorry about that. My bad.

[WAVES CRASHING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[JET ENGINE]

[TRAFFIC NOISE]

[SEAGULLS CALLING]

[PHONE RINGING]

[MALE VOICE]: Hello, You've reached the offices of Lunar Eclipse Studios,

America's premiere source for cutting edge entertainment.

No one is here right now to take your call,

so please leave your name, your number,

the reason you're calling,

and we will get back to you as soon as possible.

-[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEP] -[LOUD CRASH]

Hello?

Hello?

Anybody here?

[SIGHING]

Fan-friggin'-tastic.

What, did everybody decide to go

to lunch at the same time, or what?

Hello...?

[RUSTLING]

Oh, Morty.

I swear to God, You are the worst manager in the whole...

[DIALING]

Ooh... Look what the cat dragged in.

Alexis Jones.

What, did you set up this little prank?

What prank?

Oh, getting me to come down here

to the studio when it's closed.

So you could gloat or something.

I have better things to do with my time.

So, this is for real?

I didn't know this was an open audition.

Oh, I have never had to audition

for anything in my life.

Oh, calling your agent?

My manager, actually.

Manager, huh?

Ooh, that's fifteen percent!

How's that going?

Well... I'm going to have to call him and tell him

that the part was obviously smaller than he thought.

since you're up for it.

Well by all means.

Oh, maybe I'll stick around.

Of course you will.

You know, there's no shame in losing

a lead role to me.

I'm sure that kind of thing happens to you

all the time.

I've been in seventy movies.

One hundred and twenty-three and counting.

[LAUGHS] Oh, well I wasn't counting YouTube videos.

Oh, and the last time your name was

above the title was on a VHS box!

Oh just give it up, Alexis!

I've known Bosley for years,

and he runs this place.

There's no way you're getting that role over me.

Retract the claws, Miss Kitty!

I just might be the least of your worries.

Where'd you find that?

It was on the front door.

Where's Bosley?

Is he here?

I don't know. Maybe he's in the Executive washroom

doing coke.

And I guess Ellen is supposed to meet

us here, too, huh?

Ahh, she's already in the screening room.

[SIGH]

Terrific.

[FOOTSTEPS]

Sylvia!

So glad you could finally make it.

Oh, Ellen.

It's always a pleasure.

Isn't it, though?

I heard you retired.

Why would I retire at twenty-nine?

[STIFLED LAUGHTER]

Are you for real?

Be nice, Sylvia.

She spent a fortune to look this pretend-young.

Not as much as you did, though.

I'm so jealous!

[MAN'S VOICE OVER PA] Hello, girls.

ALL: Hi, Bosley!

BOSLEY: Sylvia, Alexis, Ellen,

I really want to thank you for coming out today.

You're three of the most well-known

and respected B-movie actresses

in the world.

I'm a hell of a lucky guy to have you all in my studio.

Now...On to the reason I asked you here...

Oh, and about that.

Uh, no one at the studio told me

that this was going to be an audition,

and that I would have to be in the same room with these two...

-But I just- -BOSLEY: You see,

we just finished about 70 percent

principal photography on a new slasher movie.

Are the kids still calling them "slasher movies"?

Anyway, the director I hired,

a real sweet guy from Belgium, knows

about three words of English.

considers himself some kind of

modern-day Godard or something.

He wrote the entire plot of the movie

down on the back of a post-it,

went out with a camera

and his cast and crew,

and just shot whatever the hell he felt like.

-Wow. -Yikes.

BOSLEY: What we got back is some pretty

intense footage.

The kids are going to go nuts over it.

The problem is, we had to fire the guy last week for going

way over budget.

And all we got was this post-it note to go by.

We don't have an ending, and it's all pretty-boys.

I want to inject a little female-perspective into this thing.

Now, I figure I could just hire some of my

hack writers to crank out something for

a quick fifty bucks.

Or... I could try something unique.

Umm, define "unique."

BOSLEY: The three of you have more combined

horror movie experience than Alfred Hitchcock's toilet seat.

Now, I've got a rough assembly

of he movie set up on that Blu-ray player on the ceiling.

You watch it, and the one of you who can

come up with the perfect ending,

I'll cast as the female lead.

All the screen time you want,

Plus, you'll get a co-producer credit.

I wish I could just hire all three of you for this...

Uh, but we're not screenwriters.

I am!

I wrote and starred in the last Leather Mutant movie, remember?

Leather Mutant 4.

Uh, like I said,

we're not screenwriters.

BOSLEY: I'm going to just sit here

and keep my mouth shut.

I'll listen to my iPod or something.

Pretend I'm not even here.

I want you ladies to give this thing

your undivided attention.

Come and get me when you're ready

and I'll pick the best ending.

Ta-ta for now.

Well?

[SIGHS]

Too good to sit with the rest of us?

Just roll the footage.

[MOTOR HUMMING]

[BEEP]

[DIGITAL WHIRRING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[FOOTSTEPS]

Oh, I got it! It's zombies!

No, it's a vampire fraternity!

They already did that.

Shhh!

[FOOTSTEPS]

[FLOWING WATER]

[WAVES CRASHING]

[SEAGULLS CALLING]

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

[HEAVY MUSICAL BEAT KICKS IN]

[SLOW, BROODING THEME]

[FOOTSTEPS]

[UPBEAT POP MUSIC IN BACKGROUND]

What's up, fellow frat dudes?

What's shaking?

Oh hey, Biff. What's up?

Just the usual, bro-han!

I'm drinking this beer!

[GRUNTS] Workin' on my abs!

Radical, dude!

Nice.

[SCARY, INDUSTRIAL MUSIC]

[FOOTSTEPS]

[WHOOSH]

[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

[FOOTSTEPS]

[WHOOSH]

Oh, my...

So far this is genius.

It's great cinematography.

[LOUD, ELECTRICAL CRACKLING]

Whoa!

The power just went out.

Sure is dark in here.

No power, no AC.

[SNIFFS]

I'm taking a shower!

Hey, showers still work when The power's out, right?

I gotta take a shower!

I really worked up a sweat.

[CONTROLLED BREATHING]

Hey Biff...

Well, you don't think this has anything to do

with that hazing stunt we pulled

where the old gypsy lady accidentally got killed...

Do you?

Don't sweat it, bro, I'm sure it's just some

freak power outage.

Let's split up and look for a fusebox.

It's gotta be around here somewhere.

Solid plan, dude.

But first...

we're going to need flashlights.

Flashlights?

In the middle of the day?

Hey, come on! Flashlights, goddamn it!

Come on!

Could you just shut up and watch this?

Yes, both of you shut up.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[POURING WATER]

[SEAGULLS CALLING]

[FOOTSTEPS]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

-[METALLIC SWISH] -[MUSICAL CLIMAX]

[GASP]

[BEEP]

Sorry, I had to stop that for a minute.

[SIGHS]

That was a little bit more intense

than what I was expecting.

The guy with the knife...

and the black gloves?

It is so Giallo.

What's Giallo?

It's an Italian slasher film.

Oh my God!

Well then why didn't you just say

"Italian horror slasher film?"

Stop being pretentious!

You've been in the horror business

for forty years,

And you don't know what a Giallo is?

I have not been in the businesses

for forty years!

Let's not fight, okay?

Especially with Bosley watching.

Fine.

Let's just focus on the movie.

Okay, so we have some studs,

and a guy with black gloves

running around in the background...

In the background,

off-camera...

Oh!

And the gypsy woman.

Right! Some old gypsy woman.

She's the killer.

No.

No.

It reminds me of a movie that I did

in Romania about ten years ago.

Subhumanoid Killers, remember?

I mean, the old gypsy lady's a red-herring.

But I'll bet you cash money,

the real killer...

is one of the frat boys' sister,

who has been held in the basement

for ten years.

So, they've been in a frat since they were

eight years old?

No. I don't know!

It doesn't have to be ten years,

it's just what happened in The Subhumanoid Killers.

Oh my God, that was so terrible!

Congratulations.

You were locked in a basement for ten years,

and then you popped up and you had an expensive hairdo,

and about seventy dollars worth of glamor makeup on.

So realistic!

Well excuse me, Charlize Theron!

I just saw your new TV movie.

[LAUGHING] What did you play?

A high school janitor who showed up to work

in a miniskirt and high heels every day?

It was an important part of the plot.

Okay, that's enough!

Will you guys stop fighting,

so we can keep watching this?

-Please? -Fine.

[BEEP]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[FOOTSTEPS]

[SHOWER RUNNING]

[METALLIC SWISH]

[GASPS]

Okay, they killed B.J.

I really liked B.J.

[SCOFFS] I saw that one coming.

Seriously, what do we have?

So far two people are dead,

four more are wandering around

inside the frat house.

The power's out...

And there's the gypsy.

You know, I wanted to point that out.

So far the only female role even mentioned

In the movie is an old gypsy lady.

And I'll just have you know, Bosley, I'm not

playing an old gypsy lady.

Four hours every day in the makeup chair...

Fake moles...

That's an hour less than normal.

You could just play it au naturel.

Let's just watch the movie, shall we?

This reminds me of when I was writing

the screenplay for Leather Mutant 4'

I had to ask myself these same questions.

What do we know about these frat guys?

What makes their characters tick?

Why are they running around inside the frat house?

What's their motivation?

They're morons.

They drink beer?

They die well?

Exactly.

It's a typical, B-movie cheese-fest,

Right up until the killer with the gloves shows up.

So, you have a director that's bad at directing actors,

But he's really, really good at directing violence...

Yeah. Who's never been to college,

or even met a college student.

Ever.

You guys ever hear of a movie from the 70s,

called Doctor Meat's Nightmare Dungeon?

Yeah. Is that where the dwarf puts

the woman in the closet and tortures her,

or something like that?

Well. I wasn't born during the 70s, but...

[LAUGHING] Yeah. You were bartending back in the 70s.

But...I used to date this grip.

He worked on a lot of Corman movies,

and occasionally did some real bargain-basement stuff

for indie guys.

He told me this story.

He was key grip on Doctor Meat's Nightmare Dungeon.

It comes out and everybody goes crazy,

because the violence and the special effects are so realistic.

Four years later, the cops show up on his doorstep.

They're talking to everybody from the production.

They want to know why some of the actors

from the movie haven't been seen or heard from since it came out.

Oh. Let me see...

They're probably waiting tables at Sizzler?

No.

This grip I was dating...

he takes the cops to where they shot the movie.

Some old, abandoned house in Encino.

And he tells the cops some of the weird things

that the director was into.

Like. He would have the crew

set up the shots for all the death scenes.

And then he'd clear the set.

And he would shoot those scenes with just him...

and the actor.

Well then. So what happened to the makeup effects guys?

That was another weird thing.

The director told the crew,

that he was going to do all the special makeup effects himself.

And yet nobody ever sees any effects stuff.

No stage blood. No fake knives, nothing.

And yet he's pulling off these incredible,

super-realistic effects.

So, he shoots these effects shots,

with just him and the actor.

And then, whichever actor is in the kill scene,

he sends them home afterward.

Except there's no crew there to see them leave.

ALEXIS: Yeah. I think I know where this is going.

The cops look around, find six dead bodies

wrapped in tarps under the house.

The actors.

Their wounds match everything that

happened to them in the movie.

This director was so intent

on making the violence look real,

That he just cut out the middle man and

killed these guys on screen!

So for four years people are

flocking to the theater,

because they think this is the next

Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

And it turns out they're watching a snuff film!

Oh, no. You don't think...

Maybe Bosley decided that the only way

to get the kids to see his movie

is to make it as realistic as possible.

No.

Bosley's a lot of things.

I mean he's a con artist

and a drug addict,

He's a womanizer

and a tax evader.

He's an alcoholic, a bad father

and a lousy lay,

but he is not a murderer!

Unless somebody paid him...

cash. Up front.

Well what about that Belgian director?

Maybe he's a wacko,

and Bosley does not know.

Well. If he doesn't know it, I'm not going to tell him.

Why not?

Because I'm not losing this gig. That's why not!

Are you serious?

Yeah! I mean. Who says you got the role?

What about us?

[SCOFFS] You're acting like you would turn it down?

I'd have to think about it.

Look. This isn't a snuff movie, okay?

I mean. I saw blood tubes in some of those shots.

And that guy who played B.J...

I think I saw him at an audition

for an Old Navy commercial last week.

According to you, anyway.

Well if this is all too much for you,

you can always leave.

Listen. We're just getting distracted.

Let's just see what happens.

[BEEP]

[PROJECTOR FAN HUMS]

[SINISTER MUSIC]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[FOOTSTEPS]

[SUDDEN MUSICAL INTENSITY]

[METALLIC SWISH]

-[GASPS] -[BEEP]

Okay. So Brad's dead.

Brad was the weak link of the bunch.

And I'm surprised he didn't die first. Really.

You know this is just a bunch of scenes

that don't really have a story to hold them together.

Well. They're trying to get the power turned back on.

That's a plot point. It's not a story.

Why does the power go out?

What's that got to do with the rest of the movie?

Oh God. That means we have to come up

With the whole story?

What do you mean "we"?

You mean each one of us individually.

And the one that Bosley likes best.

That's what he's going to pick.

And you two are going to be shit out of luck.

Well I'm still not convinced this not the real deal.

Come on. Ellen just put all those ideas in your head.

I've seen episodes of Bewitched with

better makeup effects than that.

I didn't put any idea in anybody's head.

It's not my fault that Alexis is gullible.

You mean you weren't telling the truth?

The story really happened.

I didn't make that up.

Enough about the goddamn snuff movie!

Okay?

Let's just worry about this movie.

Fine! So where were we?

We have to come up with a story and a plot-line from scratch?

Well you'd have to come up all the stuff between the kills.

Like... Is this place haunted?

Was it built over a burial ground?

Why does everybody have to die?

Does it have to be a burial ground?

Ghosts are really hot right now.

It's a ghost.

You think Bosley's going to pay for a CGI ghost?

It's a lame idea!

I think the old gypsy woman is a werewolf,

and she has werewolf powers.

And so when the frat boys go to kill her,

they can't!

Yeah. Except why would a werewolf be wearing

black gloves and stabbing people with a knife?

Maybe she's edgy?

Well. While you two come up with more stupid ideas.

I'm going to go powder my nose.

I thought you got clean ten years ago.

Don't be crude.

I'm starting up the movie again!

Fine by me!

If you ask me, Chad's going to be the next one to die!

[BEEP]

[EERIE MUSIC]

[FOOTSTEPS]

[GASP]

[METALLIC SWISH]

[PIERCING STAB, MUFFLED GROAN]

[FOOTSTEPS]

Hi!

This is Bosley's old secret passageway.

To hide from debt collectors,

and paternity suits and that!

But what are you doing here?

I was about to ask you the same thing.

Uh. Yeah...I was, uh...

I was going to call my manager.

Or calling Bosley,

to swing the vote in your favor?

[EXASPERATED SIGH] Be serious.

He's probably up in the projection room

getting drunk right now.

We'll be lucky if he can even form a complete sentence

by the time we talk to him.

Look. I know you want this role.

I want this role.

We've had our differences. But let's let them be settled.

I think that Ellen is setting us up.

Hmm...

I don't think she's that smart.

Or maybe she's playing us for chumps.

All that talk about her getting here.

And getting here first.

And...And that talk about the boyfriend

and the snuff movies.

Oh please.

According to her, she did the entire crew

on the set of Kramer vs. Kramer,

when she was a one-day extra on the set. [SCOFFS]

Stop being a super-bitch for, like, five minutes!

You know, all those weird vibes in the air.

They're all coming from Ellen.

I think she's trying to get in our head.

Well, I am going to go back in there,

and I am going to come up with a kick-ass idea.

And I am going to get that role.

Oh. The "old gypsy lady" role?

It's not going to be a gypsy lady!

[FOOTSTEPS]

[ORGAN MUSIC]

[FOOTSTEPS]

[BEEP]

Did you two have fun?

Oh. Loads.

So. What did we miss when we were gone?

Sylvia was right. Chad got killed.

[LAUGHING] I told you!

Name symmetry!

If you kill Brad, then you pretty much have to kill Chad!

Oh. Terrible!

Well I didn't write it!

Any ideas?

I think everybody's going to get killed.

So this movie has no hero.

You mean "a protagonist".

No. A hero.

Everybody who wrote and starred in

Leather Mutant 4 ', raise your hand.

No?

Then don't correct me. Okay? Thanks.

But the movie has no hero, so the plot has nowhere to go.

Then, the female lead is the hero.

Well, where in the is there room for a female lead?

The old gypsy woman!

She's the hero!

She's the killer!

Or we just make up a new character,

which is pretty much the whole point of this.

New character. And the story revolves around her.

A female detective!

-A frat-boy mom! -[GASP]

Older sister...

And she figures the whole thing out in the end.

And she ends up with Biff.

[SIGH]

Okay. To be honest,

this isn't grabbing me.

Biff's the killer! It's a twist ending.

Let's just watch the next scene and see if he gets it.

[BEEP]

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]

[CHAOTIC BASS LINE]

[SOMBRE PIANO MUSIC]

[INTENSE CRESCENDO]

[MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY]

[METALLIC SWISH]

[BEEP]

[SIGHS] So Clyde's dead. Biff has to be the killer.

No. I disagree...Um...

Because Biff was the moral center of the movie.

He was the rock.

It could be misdirection. Right?

I mean you think Biff is this, just, great guy, and then, "Bam!"

He turns into a killer.

I can always rewrite the ending so that Biff's the killer.

It's no big deal.

Yeah. It is no big deal,

because I am going to rewrite the ending.

Where I play the female detective,

and I save Biff from the old gypsy lady.

The old gypsy lady.

She comes in,

and she says a spell or something.

And then... And then...

I don't know. I can fix it in post.

I have actual writing experience.

Not according to Rotten Tomatoes. You don't.

And quit rubbing our faces in that crap.

I mean nobody even saw it!

The franchise was dead after part three!

Let's just finish watching this.

You guys are just giving me a headache!

[BEEP]

[SCARY MUSIC]

[FOOTSTEPS]

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

Hey I found a flashlight!

Now I can see my way around this place.

Flashlights! What about these goddamn flashlights?

[METALLIC SWISH]

[GASPS]

-[STABBING SOUND] -[BEEP]

[SIGHS] So...

How are we going to fix that?

I know how.

We bring Biff back.

The older sister shows up.

She thinks he's dead.

She wrestles with the killer,

rips off his gypsy lady mask.

And boom! It's B.J.

What?

B.J. Is the killer? But...

I thought he died second.

No. Nobody dies.

It turns out they pull an April Fool's Day

on the audience.

Some crazy murder mystery thing.

First, Biff plays the killer.

Then, B.J. plays the killer.

They pretend to get murdered.

The older sister thinks it's real the whole time.

But she's just getting pranked.

Oh it's the old double twist.

That works!

Yeah. Okay, but now that we know the best ending,

who gets the job and who doesn't?

Well. We all do.

You play the gypsy,

I'll play the detective.

And you play the frat-mom!

Older sister.

We'll hash that one out.

Let's go talk to Bosley.

Yes!

Bosley, we figured it out!

We're going to...

[EERIE MUSIC]

Oh my God!

He must have put together that silhouette...

While we were distracted!

Oh man...!

He must have gone out for a drink!

-He was never here. -[CLICK]

BOSLEY'S VOICE: Sylvia. Alexis, Ellen,

I really want to thank you for coming out today.

You're three of the most well-known and respected

B-movie actresses in the world.

He had to be here at some point!

He has the keys to open up the place.

And he had to press "Play" on the tape recorder!

So he has to be here someplace!

Maybe this is a test. We have to find him?

This is a hell-of-a-lot of trouble

to get some free writing for a B-movie slasher film.

Okay.

All bets are off.

Whoever finds Bosley first,

gives him the pitch and gets the role.

Let's go for it!

I can run pretty fast in these heels.

Oh!

BOSLEY: Hello?

Hi, Bosley. It's me.

Sylvia! What's up, lady?

Well, I took that spare key that you gave me,

and I came down to the studio to sit with Death Frat for a while.

BOSLEY: And?

Well I think I came up with the perfect ending

to the movie that you wanted.

BOSLEY: So, we're still on for our big meeting tomorrow?

Yes, indeed. I'll go over it with you then.

I think you're going to love it.

-Ciao! -BOSLEY: Ta-ta!

[METALLIC SWISH]

I know the perfect ending to the movie.

I call Alexis' and Ellen's' agents...

pretending to be Bosley.

I tell them to come down here today, for something really big.

I get here early.

[LAUGHING]

I open up the place.

I set everything up...

And then I record a little something

With the best phone app ever.

[DEVIOUS LAUGHTER]

Hello, ladies.

I pretend to show up late...

Oh. And then I make like I don't have a clue what's happening.

And I get Ellen and Alexis to brainstorm

the perfect ending for me.

We split up, looking for Bosley...

[CHORTLING]

And I take out the competition!

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

Oh. I hate you guys.

[LAUGHING]

[FOOTSTEPS]

[POP MUSIC]