Original subtitles

HIGH COMMANDER'S LOG.

MAKE THAT FORMER HIGH COMMANDER.

I AM WRITING THIS

SO THAT FUTURE GENERATIONS WILL KNOW THE TRUTH.

IT ALL BEGAN TWO DAYS AGO...

OK, WHERE'S MY SHOES?

WELL I THINK I SAW ONE OF THEM RIGHT OVER THERE...

HARRY RECEIVED A MESSAGE FROM THE BIG GIANT HEAD

SAYING THAT I WAS TO BE REPLACED

THE VERY NEXT NIGHT.

CRUELLY, THAT WAS THE VERY NIGHT

THAT MARY FINALLY SAID, "I CARE ABOUT YOU."

OH, MARY, YOU UNDERSTAND MY EVERY THOUGHT.

I UNDERSTAND.

YOU'VE HAD THE MILK. WHY BUY THE COW?

NO, MARY.

I WANT YOU.

I WANT THE COW!

BUT I WAS SUMMONED INTO THE BASEMENT

TO MEET MY REPLACEMENT,

AND HERE I AM IN THIS ENCASEMENT.

NO.

I MUST MAKE AN ERASEMENT.

IGNORING ALL MILITARY PROTOCOL,

HE CONFINED ME IN THIS INVISIBLE BOX.

HA HA HA HA HA.

OH, MY GOD!

HE'S TURNED ME INTO A MIME!

WHAT'S GOING ON IN THAT PAN?

I'M COOKING SAUSAGES.

THOSE ARE LINKS. I LIKE PATTIES.

I'M SORRY, SIR.

SORRY WON'T DO. PRESS THAT MEAT, SOLDIER.

I LIKE MY LINKS FLAT.

WHO ATE MY STRAWBERRIES?

STRAWBERRIES?

I HAD A PINT OF STRAWBERRIES IN HERE

WITH A NOTE CLEARLY MARKED "MINE."

I DIDN'T TAKE THEM. IT WASN'T ME.

MAN, THEM STRAWBERRIES WAS GOOD EATIN'.

IT IS BECOMING ALL TOO CLEAR

HOW MY PREDECESSOR CHOSE TO RUN THINGS.

YOU WILL FIND THINGS TO BE QUITE DIFFERENT

UNDER MY COMMAND, TOMMY.

UH, NO, I'M HARRY.

NO. I HAVE DECIDED THAT FROM NOW ON,

YOU'LL BE KNOWN AS TOMMY.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

YOU WILL BE KNOWN AS TOMMY, TOO.

YEAH, BUT WAIT, WAIT.

TOMMY AND THEN THE NUMBER 2 OR TOMMY, AS WELL?

YOU WILL ALL BE KNOWN AS TOMMY!

AND THAT'S NOT ALL. LIEUTENANT.

FROM NOW ON, YOU WILL WEAR SKIRTS.

SKIRTS?

SOMETHING LONG THAT LOOKS PRETTY WHEN YOU TWIRL.

AND STAY AWAY FROM PLEATS.

YOU KNOW, NOTHING TOO FUSSY.

OK.

FURTHERMORE, WHEN COUPONS ARRIVE IN THE MAIL,

I GET FIRST DIBS.

I MAY OPEN A BOX OF CEREAL TO GET THE PRIZE,

BUT I DO NOT THEN HAVE TO EAT...

THE CEREAL.

THE BATHROOM HAS BEEN STOCKED

WITH TWO KINDS OF TOILET PAPER.

I AND I ALONE...

GET THE QUILTED KIND.

YOU WILL GO TO A BARBER.

I WILL GO TO A STYLIST.

NOW, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WE HAVE SO MUCH MORE HAIR THAN YOU DO.

YOU WILL NEVER MENTION THAT AGAIN!

HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR, TOMMY?

YES. YES. YES.

WHEN SOMEONE ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS,

YOU DO NOT SAY, "IT'S TIME TO DIE."

Evil Dick: AND WHERE DO I GO FOR WORK?

Tommy: THE UNIVERSITY.

AH.

SO I RUN THE UNIVERSITY.

UH, NOT SO MUCH RUN. YOU TEACH A PHYSICS CLASS.

I'M A TEACHER?!

WHAT, WERE ALL THE JANITORS' JOBS TAKEN?!

SIX MONTHS ON THIS PLANET,

AND THAT'S ALL MY PREDECESSOR ACHIEVED.

HOW PITIFUL!

HE WAS SPENDING A LOT OF TIME

ON THAT WHOLE DR. ALBRIGHT THING.

AH, YES. MARY.

I'VE GOT PLANS FOR HER.

THERE'S MY GIRL.

I FEEL SO PRETTY.

NOW PAY ATTENTION.

I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT FOR YOU.

LIEUTENANT, TAKE THIS DOWN.

I WILL REQUIRE THE FOLLOWING ITEMS:

500 ROLLS OF SILVER REFLECTIVE DUCT TAPE,

144 CERAMIC CUSTARD CUPS,

ONE SUBATOMIC SPECTROMETER, AND ONE TURKEY BASTER.

YOU SEE, I'M BUILDING THE GREATEST INCUBATOR

THESE PUNY HUMANS HAVE EVER KNOWN.

AND WHEN IT IS COMPLETED,

I WILL SPAWN MY OWN PRIVATE ARMY OF...

OF...

FUZZY EASTER CHICKS.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

YOU HAVE YOUR ASSIGNMENT. HOP TO IT!

CAN YOU GIVE US A RIDE?

NO! THE CAR IS MINE AND MINE ALONE.

YOU'RE HUMANS. USE YOUR FEET.

YOU KNOW, I WAS THIS CLOSE TO KICKING HIS BUTT.

YEAH, I WAS GONNA KICK HIS BUTT,

BUT, YOU KNOW, I FIGURED YOU'D DO IT.

WELL, WHEN HE COMES BACK,

I'M KICKING HIS BUTT.

ALL RIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS COMPLAINING ABOUT, HUH?

I DESERVED HIS JOB. I SHOULD BE HIGH COMMANDER.

I HAD THE SENIORITY, I KNOW THE TERRITORY.

SO WHY WASN'T I PROMOTED? HUH?

BECAUSE I'M THE WOMAN.

ONCE AGAIN, THE WOMAN WAS PASSED OVER!

YOU WANT ME TO KICK HIS BUTT?

OH, HARRY!

THERE'S NOT GONNA BE ANY BUTT-KICKING, OK?

HE'S HIGH COMMANDER, AND, LIKE IT OR NOT,

WE'RE SWORN TO FOLLOW HIM.

ANYWAY, MAYBE THIS MISSION COULD USE A LITTLE DISCIPLINE.

YEAH. NICE SKIRT, TOMMY.

ALL RIGHT, HOW DO YOU WORK A CAR?

SEE, IT'S THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN GOOD FABRIC AND CHEAP FABRIC.

THEN AGAIN, MY THIRD HUSBAND LIKED THEM CHEAP.

YES, YES. THAT'S FASCINATING.

SAY, DR. SOLOMON,

COULD YOU COME OVER AND GIVE ME A HAND WITH MY LINT TRAP?

OH, I...

I'D LOVE TO, REALLY, BUT I'M AFRAID IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

YOU SEE, I HAVE A BAD BACK.

I THINK I KNOW WHY YOU'RE DOWN HERE.

SAME REASON MY SECOND HUSBAND

USED TO COME DOWN HERE.

BOTTLE OF SCOTCH HIDDEN IN THE INSULATION.

OF COURSE, I ALWAYS KNEW.

THE PINK FUZZ IN HIS BEARD GAVE HIM AWAY.

[PANTING]

MRS. DUBCEK.

YES?

I NEED YOU TO DO ME A FAVOR.

COULD YOU GO UPSTAIRS AND TELL SALLY THAT I'M DOWN HERE?

BUT IF YOU SEE ME STANDING THERE--

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT--

DON'T SAY ANYTHING TO ME.

JUST TAKE SALLY ASIDE AND WHISPER IT TO HER,

AND WHATEVER YOU DO, MAKE SURE I DON'T HEAR YOU.

COME AGAIN?

NEVER MIND.

[BONK]

STOP IT.

OH, HERE'S THE DUCT TAPE.

HOW MUCH DO WE NEED?

UH, 500 ROLLS, SILVER REFLECTIVE.

OH, WELL, HOW ABOUT EIGHT ROLLS OF SORT OF GRAYISH?

THAT'S FINE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK DICK'S DOING NOW?

YOU KNOW, OLD DICK.

YOU DON'T THINK THEY REASSIGNED HIM

TO THE BROWN PLANET, DO YOU?

OHH.

DENNIS!

TOM, SALLY, HARRY, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?

WELL, WE JUST HAD TO PICK UP SOME DUCT TAPE HERE.

NO, I MEAN ON EARTH.

OH, WELL, WE'RE DOING THAT THING

WHERE WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A HUMAN FAMILY.

OH, I DODGED THAT ASSIGNMENT.

WE'VE SEEN YOU ON TV, MAN. 18 REBOUNDS A GAME.

DON'T PEOPLE SUSPECT ANYTHING?

LOOK AT YOU. THE HAIR, THE TATTOOS.

LIKE YOU COULD BE HUMAN.

THEY THINK I'M WEIRD OR SOMETHING.

I HEAR THAT.

LISTEN, DENNIS, I GOTTA ASK YOU.

MADONNA, WHERE'S SHE FROM?

DETROIT.

DETROIT, EARTH?

GET OUT. NO!

SHE'S HERE. SHE'S HERE.

OH, WHAT ABOUT MICHAEL JORDAN?

ROBOT.

YEAH. I TOLD YOU SO. SEE?

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

WELL, GUYS, I GOTTA BE GOING.

PROCEED BOLDLY AND WITH STEALTH.

JAM ON.

I LIKE WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH YOUR DESK.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO DO IT...

TO YOURS?

NO. I LIKE IT MESSY.

BAD GIRL.

SO, DR. ALBRIGHT, REFRESH MY MEMORY.

HAVE YOU AND I... HAD SEX YET?

WHY, YES. I BELIEVE WE HAVE.

HOW WAS IT?

IT WAS...NICE.

NEXT TIME IT WON'T BE SO NICE.

UM, WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?

I DON'T KNOW, NINA.

NINA, WHERE'S THAT COMPREHENSIVE COURSE SYLLABUS?

YOU ONLY ASKED ME TO DO IT 10 MINUTES AGO.

I'M NOT A MACHINE.

MMM. PITY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, TRYING TO SHOW OFF IN FRONT OF HER?

I DON'T HAVE TO SHOW OFF.

I JUST HAVE TO... SHOW UP.

ISN'T HE NAUGHTY?

OLD DICK WOULD HAVE NEVER ORDERED US OUT ONTO THE ROOF.

YEAH, WELL, EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE TIME

HE ORDERED US OUT ON THE ROOF.

OH, WELL, THAT TIME.

A SMALL FIRE HAS BROKEN OUT IN THE LIVING ROOM.

THERE'S A FIRE EXTINGUISHER NEXT TO THE STOVE.

THE STOVE IS IN THE KITCHEN.

OBVIOUSLY.

THIS GUY'S SUCH A HARD-ASS.

HEY, MAY I REMIND YOU THAT THAT HARD-ASS IS OUR HIGH COMMANDER?

WELL, YOU'RE THE WEAPONS EXPERT.

ISN'T THERE SOME WAY TO GET RID OF HIM?

NO. WE'RE STUCK WITH HIM.

WE CAN'T JUST FRAG HIM WITH A GRENADE

WHILE HE'S TAKING A SHOWER.

HEY, BUT LISTEN.

SHOWERS ACCIDENTALLY EXPLODE ALL THE TIME.

I DIDN'T HEAR THAT, SOLDIER.

HE SAID THAT SHOWERS--

SHUT UP!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER IS NOW ON FIRE.

I MISS THE OLD DICK.

I MISS THE OLD DICK, TOO.

WELL, MISSING HIM'S NOT GONNA BRING HIM BACK.

I WILL ADMIT THAT THE OLD DICK'S METHODS

WERE A LITTLE DIFFERENT THAN THIS DICK,

BUT IT'S NOT UP TO US TO QUESTION HIS DIRECTIVES, OK?

HE'S IN COMMAND, AND THAT'S THAT.

HE'S...

HE'S JUST MEAN, AND THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT.

YOU'RE GETTING ALL WET. STOP.

NO, YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT.

AS DICK ALWAYS USED TO SAY,

"NEVER LET 'EM SEE YOU LEAK."

FIRE'S OUT OF CONTROL.

I'LL BE BACK IN TWO HOURS.

I MISS DICK.

[RING]

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

[RING]

WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

[RING]

STOP IT.

[RING]

STOP IT!

HELLO.

DR. ALBRIGHT, DINNER, MY PLACE, TONIGHT.

IS THAT AN INVITATION?

NO.

WELL...

THE CAT THINKS HE HAS THE MOUSE BY THE TAIL.

YES, BUT SOMETIMES THE CAT LIKES TO PLAY WITH HIS PREY

BEFORE HE GOES IN FOR THE KILL.

WELL, THE CAT MAY HAVE CLAWS,

BUT THE MOUSE IS QUICK.

TRUE.

BUT THE MOUSE WILL ALWAYS FALL FOR THE CHEESE.

THE CAT LIKES A LITTLE CHEESE, TOO.

AND MILK AND DEAD BIRDS.

BUT HE ALWAYS LICKS HIMSELF CLEAN.

YOU WERE ASKING ME TO DINNER.

UH, YES.

I'LL BE THERE.

MREOWWW!

NO! I'M THE CAT!

HERE'S THE SYLLABUS THAT YOU WANTED.

WHY, THIS IS BEAUTIFUL, NINA.

SO...

EXQUISITELY BEAUTIFUL.

WELL, WE GOT A NEW TONER CARTRIDGE--

DON'T BE SO MODEST.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

ALL RIGHT.

[BELL RINGS]

EXCUSE ME, THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE.

THIS CLASSROOM IS MINE.

FIND YOUR OWN.

DR. SOLOMON, WE WERE ALL JUST WAITING FOR OUR GRADES.

OH.

GRADES?

I DIDN'T REALIZE TEACHING INVOLVED EVALUATION.

VERY WELL.

YOU NEED YOUR HAIR STRAIGHTENED.

YOU'RE TOO SHORT FOR YOUR FACE.

YOU HAVE A MUSEUM-QUALITY TORSO.

YOU...

ARE HARMLESS.

YOU WILL BE SPARED AND USED TO CARRY HEAVY THINGS.

YOU--

DR. SOLOMON, WE MEANT OUR LETTER GRADES.

I'VE DECIDED TO GIVE YOU ALL...

Ds.

WE GOT Ds.

YAY! YAY! YAY!

Television: AWW!

ISN'T THIS BEAUTIFUL?

I MEAN, LOOK AT HER,

REUNITED WITH THE BIRTH MOTHER SHE NEVER KNEW.

I LOVE RICKI LAKE.

THE OTHER DAY, THIS WOMAN FINALLY CAME FACE TO FACE

WITH HER STALKER.

AND HE WAS SO SWEET,

SHE AGREED TO GO OUT ON A DATE WITH HIM.

MAYBE IF I WENT ON THAT SHOW,

THEY WOULD REUNITE ME WITH DICK.

JOHNSON.

DICK JOHNSON.

LITTLE DICKIE JOHNSON.

STOP LOOKING AT ME.

AND WHO IS THIS EXQUISITE CREATURE?

UH,

MAYBE YOU'D BETTER GO DOWNSTAIRS, MRS. DUBCEK.

MRS. DUBCEK.

I WILL SEE YOU LATER...

MRS. DUBCEK.

MRRREOW!

TURN THAT RUBBISH OFF.

FROM NOW ON, WE WATCH ONLY GOLF.

BUT I WAS GONNA WATCH THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW.

TRANSMISSION INCOMING FROM THE BIG GIANT HEAD.

WARNING!

WARNING!

DANGER! DANGER!

DUE TO A CLERICAL ERROR,

YOUR HIGH COMMANDER MAY HAVE BEEN ACCIDENTALLY REPLACED

BY A DISGRUNTLED FORMER EMPLOYEE

OF THE BIG GIANT HEAD.

HE SHOULD BE CONSIDERED ARMED AND EXTREMELY UNPLEASANT.

AND REMEMBER,

WHEN YOU'RE THINKING OF GIANT HEADS,

THINK OF THE BIG GIANT HEAD.

RESUME NORMAL FUNCTIONS IN 3...

2...

1.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT WAS IT?

WRONG NUMBER.

NOW, SHUT UP

AND GET ME THAT TURKEY BASTER.

WHY DON'T YOU MAKE ME GET THE TURKEY BASTER?

[SNORING]

* HER NAME WAS LOLA

* SHE WAS A SHOWGIRL

* WITH YELLOW FEATHERS IN HER HAIR *

* AND A DRESS CUT DOWN TO THERE *

* SHE WOULD MERENGUE

HI, OLD DICK.

* AND DO THE CHA-CHA

* BUT THAT WAS 30 YEARS--

DICK! HARRY!

OHH! OHH!

OW! OW! OW!

OW! OW! OW!

INVISIBLE BOX?

YEAH.

OH.

TOMMY! TOMMY!

TOMMY!

Y-YES.

WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?

I DISTINCTLY ASKED FOR REFLECTIVE DUCT TAPE.

OH, UH, ABOUT THAT, THAT WAS ALL THEY HAD.

TYPICAL.

DID YOU GET THE CUSTARD CUPS?

UH, WE DIDN'T SO MUCH GET THEM

AS--AS FAIL TO GET THEM, SIR.

DID YOU TRY JENNY'S RESTAURANT SUPPLY ON 5th STREET?

THEY'RE NOT OPEN TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC.

THAT'S RIGHT. CAN'T LET JUST ANYONE MAKE CUSTARD.

NO, OF COURSE NOT. NOT ON THIS PLANET.

NO, NO, THAT WOULD BE TOO SIMPLE.

NO, WE HAVE RETAIL, AND WE HAVE WHOLESALE.

WE HAVE PINK PACKETS AND BLUE PACKETS.

REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS

AND THE PARTY THAT CRAZY MIDGET STARTED.

SO MANY CHOICES.

HOW THEY ALL LOVE THEIR FREE WILL.

EVERYBODY HAS A DIFFERENT POINT OF VIEW.

THERE SHOULD BE ONLY ONE POINT OF VIEW.

MY POINT OF VIEW!

WELL, I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR THESE HUMANS.

THE BUFFET IS ABOUT TO CLOSE.

FOREVER.

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

[PANTING]

AAAHH.

WHAT IS IT, BOY?

[PANTING]

HE WANTS US TO FOLLOW HIM.

DICK! DICK!

SALLY! LOOK OUT!

THERE'S AN INVISIBLE--

AAH!

OW! OH, MAN.

OH, YOU GUYS.

THERE'S AN INVISIBLE BOX.