Original subtitles

Yes, I'm smiling. It's a good day.

It's Sunday. And it's Bernie Mac day.

And every kid in this house knows Bernie Mac day.

And that means you can't look at me, you can't touch me...

you can't talk to me and you better not breathe around me.

Uncle Bernie, Jordan won't...

Oops, I forgot. It's Bernie Mac's day.

Bernie Mac's day.

? Bernie, Bernie?

? Bernie Mac, whoa??

Now hold on. Let me tell you something.

I give them kids six days out of the week.

It's only fair that I have one.

Now, the Lord even said we should rest on the seventh.

Now, I'm not saying I'm the Lord...

but I will put forth a mighty vengeance...

if I'm disobeyed.

? Boom, boom, boom Bernie Mac day?

? Boom, boom, boom Bernie Mac day?

? Boom, boom, boom Bernie Mac day?

I love mac and cheese.

You got what you wanted, son.

What's that? What's that?

My Bernie Mac day cereal.

Okay. That you picked out.

? Bernie Mac day Bernie Mac day?

? Bernie Mac day? [Growls] ? Bernie Mac day??

That's the way it works. It's tradition.

On every Bernie Mac day eve, I let them pick out whatever they want.

From cereal, sugar, toys, cookies, ice cream.

I got 'em push-ups, roll-ups.

I don't care if they throw up.

Just don't bother me on Bernie Mac day.

[Male Announcer On TV] He said he still has some bad blood that he wants to settle.

[Toilet Flushes]

[Toilet Flushes]

Stop playing with that toilet.

That toilet is not made for playing.

Help me. Help me.

Commence... underwater...

rescue!

Aw, come on. Come on!

Where you going, baby girl?

Nessa, I know you hear me. Where you going?

I can't talk to you. It's Bernie Mac day.

You can't initiate conversation.

But you can answer a direct question.

Addendum to the rule. Article nine, subsection "C."

Let's try it again now, baby. Where you going?

- Michelle's. - Michelle?

- I thought you said she moved out of town. - All right. Fine. Paula's.

[Scoffs] You just gonna sit there and tell me a lie like that, right?

A bold-faced lie like that, huh, Nessa?

If you don't want me to lie, don't talk to me.

You know what? Let me tell you something.

If I'd have ever talked to Big Mama the way you talk to me...

she'd have knocked me up to kingdom come.

Kingdom come? Is that near child services?

- God! I don't know what to say. - [Water Running]

Major malfunction.

I told y'�ll about playing with that doggone toilet.

[Screaming]

S-Stay right there. We're not done. We're not done.

- Boy, you begged me for those army men. - [Laughing]

Ha-heh.

And you got all that hair in there. Ruined my Bernie Mac day.

[Wanda] Bernie, don't you think you're being a little dramatic?

Nope. They lie. They don't know right from wrong, Wanda.

- They're heathens. - They're kids.

- [Fast Knocking] - We're busy.

- Did you hear what I said? - Can I have my army men back?

You just not listening. Didn't I tell you to get out?

You see that? Y-You see what I'm talking about?

- [Door Shuts] - You see what I'm talking about.

They couldn't have got away with that when Big Mama was around. You can't tell me that.

- Right. You're right. - Man, baby, let me tell you something.

Big Mama had two things that kept us in line.

That was church and whuppings.

- Church and whuppings. - Well, you can't whup those kids.

It's just been a bad Bernie Mac day all the way around.

Your Aunt Wanda and I have decided...

that you kids need to get churched.

- Churched? - Is that like a whuppin'?

No, it's like bad English.

Now, see? Like that. Talking back.

You don't see nothing wrong with that.

See, you kids gotta learn.

Y'�ll gotta get the fear of God in you!

Honor thy mother and thy father... figure.

So next Sunday... [Chuckles]

We're all gonna spend it in church.

But what about Bernie Mac day?

- We'll spend it in church. - Don't the Bears play the Raiders next Sunday?

- You sure? - Mm-hmm.

- I thought they had a bye. - Uh, no.

You must be thinking of the Vikings. They have a bye next week.

Well, they just gonna have to play without us.

'Cause next Sunday, we're gonna give our day to the Lord.

We're going to church. Church!

Holy! Holy, I said.

? Send it on down Send it on down?

? Lord, let the Holy Ghost come on down?

? Lord, send it on down Send it on down?

Come on, now. Come on. Come on.

Come on, baby. Baby, come on.

Stand up. Come on, now.

Stand up, baby.

Ain't this nice? This is real nice.

- Uncle Bernie? - Shh! No talking in church.

- What if I have to use the bathroom? - You can hold it for an hour.

A whole hour?

You mean to tell me you can't hold your urine for God?

Do it for the Lord, Jordan.

All right.

- Good boy. Good. - ?? [Ends]

- Come on. Sit down. - [Cheering]

- ?? [Organ] - Get up. Get up. Get up.

? I love to praise him?

? I love to praise his name??

?? [Ends]

Sit down.

?? [Organ]

Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up.

? Yes, it is Yes, it is??

Stand back up. Stand back up.

Baby, stand back up.

And you're visiting us from where?

Church of the Lord in, uh, Tyler, Texas...

where the Reverend Joe McQueen presides.

- Praise God. - Praise God.

- Welcome to First Faithful. - Thank you.

[Chattering]

- Alleluia. - Glory be to God.

Are there any other visitors?

- [Bryana] We're visitors! - [Murmuring]

Uh, yes, uh...

First, I'd like to say, uh, giving honor...

to God, Bishop, members and friends.

Uh, my name is Bernie Mac and this is my lovely wife, Wanda...

and we're taking care of my sister's kids.

And my wife and I have decided that we want to try to get the fear of...

I mean, the love of God...

- Amen. - Amen.

Into these children.

Because every child need the Lord.

[Congregation Affirming]

Did I say it right? [Laughs]

- Well, Mr. Mac. - Yes, sir.

- Everyone needs the Lord. - Needs the Lord!

He's one of the original kings.

Oh, the original kings?

Well, that's a mighty high claim, Your Majesty.

It's just a name, Bishop, to sell tickets. That's all it is.

Oh, did you sell a lot of tickets?

- Yes, sir. - Praise God.

And so you had a big audience? Thousands of people?

Would you call that a multitude?

No, sir, Bishop. I wouldn't call it a multitude.

But, uh, we was all up in there. [Laughs]

Yeah! And while you "was all up in there,"

did you feed that multitude with two fish and five loaves of bread?

- I don't think so! - [Cheering]

You see, there's only one original king. And his name is what?

- Jesus. - Tell him!

Jesus!

Welcome to First Faithful.

[Cheering]

The ushers will now lead the children under five to the assembly hall.

[Children] I don't wanna go.

Hey! What's going on?

Oh, we always do this about halfway through the service.

- Halfway? - Halfway?

Take me with you, baby girl. Baby girl.

- Uncle Bernie. Let go. - Bernie Mac.

Ouch! Why you give me that Big Mama pinch for?

'Cause you are acting like a fool up in here.

It's taking too doggone long.

Black churches, make up your mind! I gotta get outta here.

- [Bishop] Verses one and two. - [Clears Throat]

Nessa, I left my Bible in the car.

Let me slide by you right quick. Excuse me.

Oh, I'll get it. I'll get it. It's cool.

Here you go.

It is good to proclaim.

- What make you so helpful today? - I'm filled with the Holy Ghost.

Forgive me, Big Mama... heh... for what I'm about to do.

Heh. I'm about to bust a move!

- Bop. - [Pops] - Pshew!

Gone. Split. See ya. [Chuckles]

Wet yourself. Wet yourself.

What are you talking about, Uncle Bernie?

I want you to use the gift God gave you. Start wheezing and coughing.

- You know that you can do it. - Is there a problem?

Yes, sir. My nephew, he has to use the bathroom.

- I don't wanna interrupt the service so... - Not a problem.

- I'll take him. - No, no. I'll take him.

No, no. You just stay there and enjoy the Word.

- Stop it, Bernie Mac. You are making a spectacle of yourself. - I'm not making...

You are. We will be home soon.

When is soon, baby? I gotta get outta here.

I can't take it. I'm sorry, Big Mama. I gotta get out of here.

- Why didn't you just leave with Vanessa? - What, Vanes...

- Why she didn't take me with her? - You know she don't like you.

She acts like she hate me. I could've left her with my sister. I took...

Shh.

Cut it out. Just listen to the preacher.

Acting worse than the kids.

- [Rustling] - Shh!

[Snoring]

[Snorts]

[Sneezes]

[Bishop Continues, Indistinct]

[Snoring]

Bernie. Bernie Mac, wake up.

You fell asleep. You're missing everything.

Come on, now, brothers and sisters.

All I need is just one more soul to save today!

And then we can all go home.

- [Woman] Thank you, Lord. - [Woman]Just one.

He said if he save one more soul we can go home?

- Mm-hmm. - Just one?

Yes! Yes!

- [Cheering] - Praise God! Praise God!

Alleluia! I'm saved, Wanda!

I'm saved. I'm saved. I'm saved.

- Yes! - Yes.

- Oh, it's a wonderful day. - Isn't it?

Thank you, Jesus.

Well, that's our service for today.

You all will follow me in a minute.

New member orientation shouldn't take more than a few hours.

But I'm feeling the Spirit today so don't hold me to it. Amen.

And for the rest of you, I'll see you next week. Have a blessed one.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

God bless you.

Welcome. Welcome to the church.

God bless you.

Handle that. Huh?

The Lord giveth and Bernie Mac taketh.

- Oh, man. Bernie win everything. - [Doorbell Rings]

God must be letting you win. That's the only way he can get you back in church.

[Laughing]

I ain't never going back in that church. I don't care if Moses's speaking.

I ain't never... That was the most boring church...

- Uncle Bernie. - Uncle Bernie.

Yeah, baby... Bishop, Bishop.

Hey, Brother Bernie. How you doing?

I'm, uh...

Well, this is Deacon Willis. And we just wanted to stop by...

- and personally welcome you to the First Faithful family. - First Faithful family.

Now, if this is not a good time, we can always come back.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no. Y'all-Y'all are family. Come on in.

- Oh, well, God bless you. - Amen.

- Amen. - Uh, here.

I kind of missed last Sunday. [Laughs]

And, uh, a couple Sundays before that. [Laughs]

Amen, brother.

In Jesus' name.

- Why don't y'�ll pull up a seat? - Uh, yeah, yeah.

Well, no. We really gotta go, but, uh... Well, if you insist.

Yeah, yeah. Sit down. Bernie don't mind. Right?

I guess not. Let me, uh, put my cigar out.

Oh, no, no. No, you go on and enjoy your cigar.

- See, God wants us to have pleasures. - Amen.

Lord, bless him.

- And relieve him of that evil tobacco demon. - Evil demon!

- Amen. - Amen.

- Amen. - Amen. - Amen.

[Exhales]

[Clears Throat]

Well, you, uh...

mind if we join you?

Well, uh, we playing poker.

- Mm. - Well, we know how to play poker.

- Just 'cause we men of the cloth, don't mean that we ain't men. - Still men!

- Still men. - Join in, dog.

Hey, all right.

Now, y'�ll-y'�ll-y'�ll ain't -ain't -ain't playing for money, are you?

Uh, a little pocket change. That's all.

Mm, mm, mm.

Mm, mm, mm.

- Well, I'm not here to judge what you did before. - Amen.

- But the rest of this night, why don't we just move... - Bishop, Bishop, Bishop.

These chips aside and play for the glory of the Lord.

Glory of the Lord.

- Glory of the Lord. Amen! - [Laughing]

[Chattering]

[Phone Ringing]

- [Phone Beeps] - [Bernie] Hello?

No, Bishop, I won't be able to cut the homeless hair this morning. I'm sorry.

What they need a haircut for anyway? They're homeless.

If I cut their hair, they'll lose their strength.

- What? - B...

You really getting on my nerve, in the name of the Lord. You really are.

Look, Bishop, I gotta take a leak.

- What? - As-salaam alaikum. I mean, praise the Lord.

These people just don't leave you alone.

I thought church ended on Sunday.

They got it leaking through the rest of the week.

Don't get me wrong.

There's nothing I'd rather have than a long-term commitment with the Lord at any church.

But this church? I'd rather have a one-night stand.

Now understand something. I know the Lord got soldiers working for him...

but for some reason, I feel like they just attacking me.

Excuse me.

- Bernie Mac. - Yes.

- We saw you get saved at First Faithful. - Alleluia.

- Yeah. We're sure proud of you. You're sure enough blessed. - Thank you.

- We're hoping the Lord will bless us with a car one day. - Amen.

- He will. - Pray for us.

- For sure. - Doesn't have to be as nice as this though.

- Long as it's nice, huh? - Yeah.

- I'm sure you're right. - Could she just get a bit of air-conditioning?

You never know when that bus is gonna come.

Yes, ma'�m. Let me turn it on max for you, okay?

- How's that? - [Sighs]

Uh, listen, how far are you all going?

- God will bless you real good, Bernie Mac. - Get in.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

I just...

[Doorbell Rings]

Nessa, Nessa, Nessa, Nessa.

- Don't answer the door. - Why?

- It's the bishop. - [Willis] The bishop.

That's why. Look here. I'm going to the den.

Tell them I'm busy. Okay?

- You want me to lie? - No, I don't want you to lie. Just tell them I'm not in.

So, you're hiding?

Ain't nobody hiding. Every time I ask you to do something, you can't do it.

You act like I'm a cell mate. I'm your blood.

- Just do it. - Okay, but...

what would Jesus do?

Jesus ain't got nothing to do with this. Go to your room, Nessa.

[Doorbell Rings]

Always gotta bring the Lord in it.

- Hey. - Brother Bernie.

- Bishop, Bishop, Bishop. - Yes, sir.

- Brother Bernie. - Deac.

How ya doing?

- Y'�ll bring the choir with you? - [Laughing]

So, uh, how you all doing?

- Wonderful. - Just fine. Just fine.

Listen. Forgive us for intruding like this...

but the last time we was here, we couldn't help but notice how much...

space you've got.

- God has blessed you with a beautiful home. - Beautiful home.

[Chuckles] Well, uh, also, I've saved my money, Bishop...

and I've worked hard over the last past year or so.

- That goes without saying. - Well, I just thought I'd say it anyway.

[Chuckling]

- Brother Mac. - Yeah?

We felt that, uh, since you have all these blessings...

that the best way for a baby Christian like yourself...

to evolve into the fold...

is to invite the fold to your house on Thursday night for Bible study...

which used to be your poker night.

- Used to be. - Amen.

Amen.

Mm-mmm. I'm sorry.

What am I supposed to do?

Y'�ll see this relationship ain't working for me.

If I wait too long, stuff s gonna get messy...

feelings are gonna get hurt, might be name-calling.

No, uh-uh. That's it.

Only thing... clean break.

You smothering me. Smothering me.

But I-I thought everything was-was going so well.

Uh, is it another church?

Lord.

- I didn't want to say it in front of the children. - Mm.

- No. - Yeah.

It's okay. It's okay.

I just hope we can still see each other.

A-As friends... in Christ.

I'll call you.

He ain't gonna call.

? Boom, boom, boom, Bernie Mac day Boom, boom, boom??

I'm ready for church, Uncle Bernie.

Oh, baby girl, I forgot to tell you.

We're not going to church today.

But, Uncle Bernie, won't God be mad at us?

Well, see, um...

Look, um...

I can't lie to you, baby. Church is too long for Uncle Bernie.

But, Uncle Bernie, don't we love God?

See, the thing is it's not about God.

It's just, the service takes forever.

You know, if I knew a church that had shorter time and go half that length...

baby, I would take you to church right now.

- Right now. - You know what?

Catholic Mass is only one hour.

- Really? - Really?

I'll get the car keys. [Cackling]

Go on. Get dressed.

?? [Choir.' Latin]

- [Jordan Laughing] - ?? [Fades]

Oh. Oh, baby. It wasn't that bad.

Uncle Bernie, you were right.

We learned so much in Sunday school.

Oh, son.

Uncle Bernie, I'm sorry I talked back to you.

My ignorant child.

Uncle Bernie, I love you.

This is what it's all about.

Bernie Mac...

Bernie. Bernie Mac, wake up.