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- All right, wait, wait, wait! You ready?
- Yeah
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- Hi..- You've..- Reached..- Pete..- And..- Berg
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- We're..- Not..- Home..- So..- Leave..- A..- Message..
- After..- The.. - Beep
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- That
- Sucked
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Good morning! I'm Pete Dunville, lecturing for Professor Yanikov
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The Kremlin
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A big, ugly, building in Russia
No, I can't say that
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- Ah, great you're here! I can run this speech by you
- Hey
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- Whatever you need
- ok..
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- The Kremlin. Commissioned in 1550 --
- Help me move the couch
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Was to commemorate Ivan the Terrible's -- why are we moving the couch?
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To make room for the dance floor
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Ivan the Terrible?
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- Berg, what have you done?
- Nothing
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I just happened to run into Bethany outside of work this morning
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Happened? Berg, you had to happen on two trains and a ferry to get there!
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-Hey! I haven't seen her in a while
- Yeah, and life was good
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What do you have against Bethany, huh?
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Nothing! Except everything you run into her you turn into a bumbling fool
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So untrue!
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Berg, I don't get it!
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Get what?
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-I just feel like moving slowly on this one...
- It's been two years, and you've never asked her out
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Oh, yeah? Then how come I invited her to a party tonight?
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Here?
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How great is that?!
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I'll go over to Melissa's
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- You can't
- Why not?
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Because Melissa's coming over here
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- For what?
- For your birthday party
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-Berg, my birthday's not for seven months
- But your party's tonight
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Berg!
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Pete, it wasn't my fault, okay?C'mon!
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I was asking her to dinner
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I really was...but then she got that whole soft, pouty look happening...
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..and you know her hair
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Then she smiled...
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..and I panicked, and it just came out...
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"Come to Pete's birthday party"
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You weren't there!
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- Happy birthday
- It's not my birthday
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Yeah, well, whenever it is, now I'm covered!
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Duly noted
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Whoa, Berg, she's cleaning -- she must be mad!
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Great! This place is a mess!
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What's wrong, Sharon?
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You know....
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a guy asks you out, and usually you expect a call sometime during the week,
saying you know like maybe where, or what time --
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Who, the doll salesman?
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He happens to be the VP of marketing for Barbie
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a multi-million dollar corporation
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Doll salesman
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Maybe he got back together with his ex
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Or maybe he just forgot all about you
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Maybe he's on a conference call with Ken
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All right, where's the new Scrub Genie?!
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I think it's in the bathroom
but you don't want to go in there, it's scary! No, stop! Don't...
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Why are you torturing her?
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Sharon's phone
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It's Barbie Boy
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Um, she's in the bathroom, could I take a message?
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Yeah, 7:30, Copperfield's
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I'll let her know. Thanks
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- Hey, was that my phone?
No!..
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We'll tell her later
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- Don't you want this place to look good for your party?
- Berg, there's no party. Party bad!
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I have to nail this lecture tomorrow if I have any hopes of teaching undergrad next semester!
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I need this party, Pete
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All right, one condition
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- Name it
- You *finally* tell this woman how you feel
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What do you mean?
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-Forget it! No party!
- Okay, I'll tell her tonight...I promise
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And...I want everyone outta here by 10:30
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Done!
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Arrrgggh! Why am I about to say yes?!
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Because you fight on the side of good!
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- Mr. Bergen!
- Barney! Fitzey!
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- The party robe!
- Epic!
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I wore it for the kids
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- There's the boy!
- Hey, what happened to your guys?
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We had a fight. Fitz here tried to tell me it wasn't your birthday
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- And you cut his tie off?
- Chewed
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Why so tense, big guy?
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He's gotta give a speech
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Speech, speech, speech, SPEECH! WAOOOOOO!
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So...you all set for Bethany?
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Yep! Tonight, I'm going to play it cool
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No going up to her, no talking to her every second...
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be relaxed, enjoy myself, flirt with other girls
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Why don't you just ring her doorbell and run away?
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Happy birthday...
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- Oh, thanks
- I thought your birthday was in May?
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Nope, that was just a rumor started by my birth certificate
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- Punch?
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Nah, I gotta get back. The two knuckleheads who were supposed to work tonight called in sick..
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but then they did order a dozen pizzas...
so, look I made 'em special.
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Look, the number 30 out of black olives
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Yeah, I do love to work with my toppings
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I'm 24. Why did you make me 30?
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You get better presents
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I don't wanna be 30!
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Act your age!
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Hey there! Happy birthday!
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- Melissa, you know it's not my birthday...
- Oh, come on -- how many people get to turn thirty twice?
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Jell-O Shot?
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Oh, thank you! That looks lovely! I would love one
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- No, thank you...
- Hello, Mr. Doom-and-Gloom, be fun
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- Oh, that is *good*
- Yeah, well be careful with 'em, they're lethal
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There's no fat in Jell-O!
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No, no, that's not what I meant, I mean they're mixed with vod--
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C'mon Pops -- let's party!
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Speech!! Speech!! Speech!!
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- Hey there, Party Guy!
- Bethany!
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And in this corner, wearing the blue disgusting robe that has never, ever been washed, Michael Eugene Bergen!
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- Glad you could make it
- Oh, come on! I wouldn't miss it for anything!
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Well, what if both of your legs were caught in a bear trap, and...you had a cold?
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I'd chew myself free, and take a decongestant
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I love a girl with a plan
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- Barney needs more punch! Bethany!
- Rocky and Bullwinkle!
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-Hey!!
- Hey!!
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-Hey!
- Stop!
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Boris need a refill!
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I'm going in -- do you wanna come?
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Um...no, um...I'm just gonna hang here; but you're welcome to --
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Hey guys! Wait up!
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Hey everybody! It's Bethany!
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Ha ha!..Oh, yeah, that's gonna stain
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Nasdrovia !
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Don't tell me, don't tell me....Bethany
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Berg, do you realize we've known each other for almost two years?
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- No...two years?
- Yep. You walked right up to me at O'Malley's, and introduced yourself, and knocked a pitcher of margaritas into my lap
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Oh, yeah...I was, just uh, trying to put out the fire in your pants
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Anyway, I
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Ho, ho, ho, ho...Oh, God
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It's okay, it's okay, it's okay....I'm gonna go get some club soda
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What is everyone doing in my room?!
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What are you -- are you out of your mind?!
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You didn't have any more clean(?) glasses
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That's it. Everyone, OUT! C'mon....
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out, out!
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So what did Bethany say?
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Aw, Berg...
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Oh, Berg what?
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You poor fool! Oh! I love how you never give up! God, that is just so romantic
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You know Berg, you make up for all the doll salesmen out there that don't even bother to call
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- I, uh...thought you were gonna to tell her
- No, you were gonna to tell her
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Man, would I hate to be friends with us
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Pete! Let's DANCE!
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- No, no, no...
- C'mon, we never dance anymore
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Now that you're thirty, things are changing! Where did the time go?!
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-Listen, the time went nowhere, and I'm not thirty!
- Yes, you are!
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- You think I'm too immature for you, don't you?
- Melissa, how many of these have you had?!
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All different colors...
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all working together!
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Why can't people get along like Jell-O??
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- All right, you dingbat, come on...let's get you some coffee...
- Coffee? We don't need coffee -- we're Jell-O sisters!!
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Wooooooo!!
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- OW!
- Sorry
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- Good party, huh?
- Yeah, yeah...I mean, look, now it's 10:15, and you're in here with me!
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- I'm pacing myself
- Berg
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Pace your ass out there and tell her how you feel. You have fifteen minutes left.
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Alright...I'm goin' in
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Did you invite the police?
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Duhn-duhn-duhn-duhn-duhn--HEY! Duhn-duhn-duhn-duhn-duhn--HEY!
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- Bethany, I have something really important to tell you...
- Sure...
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I'm really, really sorry about this officer.It's my thirtieth birthday party, so a bunch of my friends came over...
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and you know...it just...kinda got out of control...But, I promi --
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-Hey!! Pete! Can I be of some help?
- Mr. Bauer! Hi, how are you? No, I have things under control here
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Can I see your identification?
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You don't need to see his identification
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We don't need to see his identification
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This isn't the party you're looking for
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This isn't the party we're looking for
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-He can go about his business
- You can go about your business
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- Move along
- Move along
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WOW!! Mr. Bauer, thanks!!
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May the Force not be with you
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- Get it?
- Yeah, yeah
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Soooooo? What happened? What did she say?
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I just wanted to test the waters...
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- see how important I was to her
-Great, and?
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00:12:09,981 --> 00:12:11,941
And, I looked her right in the eye...
184
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-Uh-huh?
- And she smiled back...
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Uh-huh..good. And?
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And told her...
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I'm moving to France
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Say what?
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You only gave me fifteen minutes. It was the best I could do!
190
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Berg! Berg, what are you afraid of??
191
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Mostly clowns...and mimes
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You know what, I give up. You're pathetic
Everyone! I'm sorry! It's 10:30
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00:12:39,260 --> 00:12:40,595
Fountains...
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FOUNTAINS!!
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"Have fun". That's what she said. I tell her I'm moving to France, and she says, "Have fun"
196
00:12:58,071 --> 00:13:03,326
Well, Berg...what kind of girl is gonna go, "Oh, swell, you're moving out of the country? Let's start a relationship!"
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- Speech! Speech!
- You want a speech?!
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Alright, here's your speech!!
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Hey!!
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Look what the guys on the softball team bought me! Ehh!!
201
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And check out these! Huh?! And you guys missed an incredible tournament!
Full-contact hopscotch! Bill was unstoppable!
202
00:13:31,187 --> 00:13:34,190
And Bernie ate a fern! Roots and all!
203
00:13:35,358 --> 00:13:37,068
Okay, what put you in such a good mood?
204
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After they threw me into the fountain, I had a couple of these to help me warm up, I looked around and said, Hey!
205
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It's my birthday!
206
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It is *not* your birthday
207
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Oh, don't blame me because Bethany is out there having a great time, and you're hiding in here packing my clothes
208
00:14:00,175 --> 00:14:01,718
Why are you packing my clothes?
209
00:14:03,511 --> 00:14:07,932
So Bethany can feel the pang of loss when I walk out that front door on my way to France
210
00:14:11,019 --> 00:14:13,062
Okay, he's lost it...
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00:14:14,814 --> 00:14:17,901
You guys...you guys don't know how I feel
212
00:14:18,443 --> 00:14:23,948
Oh, come on! At least Bethany showed up! Whereas I got completely blown off. That's worse
213
00:14:24,866 --> 00:14:26,075
No, it's not
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Trust me, it is
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00:14:28,203 --> 00:14:30,830
No...it's not
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Yes, it is
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- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!
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00:14:35,126 --> 00:14:42,217
Well, I'll have you know that you didn't even get blown off. Doll Boy did call, and WE FORGOT TO TELL YOU!
219
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I think you owe me an apology, sister
220
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- You--!! Ugghh!!!!!!
- Ow!
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Berg, come on! Look, when I just starting to enjoy myself -- why are you doing this to me??
222
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I'm not doing anything to you!
223
00:15:02,111 --> 00:15:08,076
Oh, no, no, no... see, what happens to you happens to me -- and right now, my life is a circus all because you're trying to get into some girl's pants!
224
00:15:08,034 --> 00:15:10,286
Hey! It's not like that, Pete, okay?!
225
00:15:12,914 --> 00:15:14,791
-Whoa... - Wow... - Yeah...
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00:15:18,169 --> 00:15:21,548
No, no, no, no...this can't--...love??
227
00:15:23,716 --> 00:15:24,968
This stays in the room
228
00:15:27,053 --> 00:15:34,227
What *is* it about this girl that makes me so crazy? Her voice....her smile...
229
00:15:34,394 --> 00:15:38,690
- And the fact that doesn't just fall at your feet?
- Yeah, and what is the deal with that??
230
00:15:40,108 --> 00:15:44,946
Berg, you're in the middle of a relationship that I don't think she knows she's having
231
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- Maybe I should just stick with women I don't care about
- No, Berg! You *have* to tell her!
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Listen to me! I know. I'm thirty
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00:15:57,625 --> 00:16:01,796
-There you are! Awww, Happy Birthday Petey
- Thanks
234
00:16:02,755 --> 00:16:04,799
I've got to take off -- I have an early meeting
235
00:16:05,550 --> 00:16:10,346
Awwwww...I think I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow
236
00:16:11,181 --> 00:16:13,183
Ooohh....you have a safe flight, okay?
237
00:16:14,309 --> 00:16:17,437
Uh, Bethany...I need to ask you something...
238
00:16:20,356 --> 00:16:22,901
Can you give me a ride to the airport?
239
00:16:25,778 --> 00:16:28,489
Berg...you're not going to France, are you?
240
00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:33,703
- Well...
- No, no, no! Cut the crap! What's with you?
241
00:16:35,955 --> 00:16:38,833
You're right. I'm not
242
00:16:40,919 --> 00:16:49,636
This isn't even my stuff. The truth is...Pete's dying.
243
00:16:51,179 --> 00:16:56,643
I'm actually going to the airport to send some stuff ahead to Paris. There's a clinic there.
244
00:16:57,435 --> 00:17:03,233
But Pete looked so great! Running around, having fun...he was singing!
245
00:17:03,983 --> 00:17:05,985
Yep, that's one of the symptoms
246
00:17:08,821 --> 00:17:11,032
- I'm sorry...
- That's okay...
247
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:14,285
But I heaved on your new slippers!
248
00:17:17,038 --> 00:17:20,166
- I told you those things were lethal
- But they were so pretty!
249
00:17:23,002 --> 00:17:25,463
- I told her
- Ah, good for you
250
00:17:25,713 --> 00:17:30,927
- If it's any consolation, when my uncle Roy was dying --
- What, you told her I was DYING?!
251
00:17:40,436 --> 00:17:42,397
I'm so sorry, I thought that she knew --
252
00:17:43,189 --> 00:17:46,317
For the love of God, help me!
253
00:17:49,279 --> 00:17:55,827
Bethany, I'm not sick, Berg's not moving to France, I'm 24, and my birthday isn't 'til May.That about covers it, right?
254
00:17:55,910 --> 00:17:56,703
Yeah
255
00:18:01,541 --> 00:18:04,460
Berg, what's with all the lying and the games??
256
00:18:04,752 --> 00:18:09,007
Look, I like you
257
00:18:09,632 --> 00:18:11,384
I like you too
258
00:18:11,509 --> 00:18:24,606
No, I mean, I like-like you...or love-you-like-you...or I'd like to love you?
259
00:18:25,648 --> 00:18:31,321
Oh, Berg...I've thought about this moment for such a long time...
260
00:18:31,446 --> 00:18:32,030
Me too!
261
00:18:32,697 --> 00:18:34,782
I just always hoped and prayed that it would never happen.
262
00:18:38,703 --> 00:18:40,079
What wouldn't happen?
263
00:18:40,955 --> 00:18:50,924
This! C'mon Berg -- you know I, I love hanging out with you and stuff, I just
-- you know, I don't...feel that way...about you.
264
00:18:52,383 --> 00:18:53,927
Oh, God, I'm sorry...
265
00:18:55,178 --> 00:18:56,804
I threw this whole party for you
266
00:18:58,806 --> 00:19:01,559
That's very sweet! I, I didn't ask you to...
267
00:19:02,393 --> 00:19:05,104
Well, it would have been a fairly odd request if you had...
268
00:19:07,482 --> 00:19:10,610
Oh, Berg...can we still be friends?
269
00:19:11,819 --> 00:19:17,951
Probably...but, uh, I've *really* had my fill of personal growth for the day...
270
00:19:22,539 --> 00:19:25,750
- Bye
- Bye
271
00:19:34,926 --> 00:19:39,514
- Speech! SPEECH!
- You know what?! Speech this!
272
00:19:49,649 --> 00:19:52,235
Orion...the hunter...
273
00:19:57,782 --> 00:19:59,659
- I did it
- And?
274
00:20:00,243 --> 00:20:02,287
Are you pretending you weren't watching from the window?
275
00:20:02,662 --> 00:20:04,247
Isn't that the way we play this game?
276
00:20:05,999 --> 00:20:10,003
Man...I'm surprised you identified me without dental records
277
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:12,630
- That bad, huh?
- Brutal...
278
00:20:14,090 --> 00:20:14,632
Good
279
00:20:15,216 --> 00:20:16,759
I'll punch you right in the mouth
280
00:20:17,677 --> 00:20:22,140
Berg, I'm serious. Look, it's good to get stomped on every once in a while. Reminds us that we're human
281
00:20:23,099 --> 00:20:28,479
And this might -- and notice I say might -- mean that you're one step closer to a relationship
282
00:20:29,814 --> 00:20:30,690
B-uuugghhh!
283
00:20:32,525 --> 00:20:42,785
I gotta hand it to you -- you know, this was...outstanding
You know, most people don't get to enjoy their thirtieth birthday party because they're too freaked out about turning thirty.
284
00:20:44,746 --> 00:20:46,206
Well, I'm always looking out for you
285
00:20:47,749 --> 00:20:49,375
And I got to watch you suffer
286
00:20:52,212 --> 00:20:55,590
- You get enjoyment out of that, huh?
- I really, really do!
287
00:20:57,133 --> 00:20:58,510
- My present to you
- Thanks
288
00:20:59,219 --> 00:21:04,098
-Pete...! - Speech, speech, speech, SPEECH! - Speech, boy!
- Go get 'em, Pe-co!
289
00:21:04,599 --> 00:21:07,393
Don't stop now, bad boy -- you're on a roll
290
00:21:08,728 --> 00:21:12,190
- Alright, you want a speech??
- YEAH!!
291
00:21:13,483 --> 00:21:18,363
Speech... A speech... The Kremlin. Big ugly building in Russia is surrounded by fountains --
292
00:21:19,155 --> 00:21:23,493
FOUNTAINS!..FOUNTAINS!...FOUNTAINS!
293
00:21:24,305 --> 00:21:30,460
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