Original subtitles

♪

Ow!

Shit!

Assholes!

We got a couple of prime assholes here.

We’re trying to have a tropical nap here!

You know those starfish scare the shit right out of us!

You know that for a fact!

Yeah, those star-shaped fish,

they scare the shit all the way out of us!

[ Coughs ]

All right, laugh it up, you fat, boring shitskies.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter continues ]

[ Beeper buzzes, beeps ]

Is it the Throat Ripper?

It could be the Throat Ripper!

Is it that shitsky, the Throat Ripper?

It’s likely it’s the Throat Ripper!

Is it the shitsky who likes to rip the whole throat out?

Okay! It’s the Throat Ripper!

You shitsky, I’ve got the yellow froth again.

I can see that, you crooked-nosed shitsky.

♪

[ Telephone rings ]

Get to work! Get to work!

Get to work!

There’s a twat in that room over there

who claims to know the Throat Ripper!

But he want $1 million for the information!

He’s ripping out throats of sunbathers

trying to enjoy their vacation on the beach!

I want one large pan of boiling water,

1 cup of salt, 2 cups of sugar,

and I want a sewing kit.

-Uh! -Now!

Oh, that actually hurts!

Wait a minute!

I sincerely hope you are not going to repeat

the face-boiling incident of last July.

That was a one-time deal, Primetime!

No more boiling faces!

Do you want to catch the Throat Ripper or not?!

I mean, this shitsky rips out throats.

Is that all right?

What happened to the old Meechy?

If I’m not mistaken,

didn’t he once shit down a suspect’s throat?

That was private, Primetime.

And please do not lose your cool in this most dank of corridors.

Well, maybe you’re the Throat Ripper.

If I was the Throat Ripper,

I wouldn’t be busting my butt all day

trying to catch the Throat Ripper.

They are so stupid.

But I like them.

How about you?

Andre.

I need one large pan of boiling water,

1 cup of salt, and 2 cups of sugar.

Now, Meechy, I think I know what this signifies.

♪

Ah!

Who’s the Throat Ripper?

I want $1 million, and then I talk.

Cocksure asshole.

You’re a pretty cocksure asshole, aren’t you?

Yes. I’m a cocksure asshole

and one who wants to be

$1 million U.S. richer immediately.

This water, thanks to a secret blend of minerals

and glucose sugars, is hotter than igneous lava.

Who cares? Wait, hang on.

Really? Is it really that hot?

No comment.

-Well, is it?! -Yes, it is!

Well, then, who cares?

If you don’t tell me who the Throat Ripper is,

you will care!

By the way, you’re not allowed to grab my head

and dunk it into this hot -- wait!

Wait, no, I’m Scottish!

I want a shiny pork face for lunch!

Want some more?

I require $1 million U.S. immediately.

Ah!

[ Gurgling ]

Oh, wait.

I’m going back to Daddy’s house.

You’ll never be a cop, because you’re a coward!

I’m a cop, and I get results.

Because I’m tough!

That’s why they call me "Tough Doug,

the Dark Dong of the Donkey Dong."

This banana cold is delicious.

Ahh!

Nana!

[ Chuckles ]

[ Man screaming ]

Oh, Daddy, it’s getting hot in here.

Sewing kit, now!

Tell me who the Throat Ripper is

or I start busting pustules,

right up in your grille.

Oh, piss off, pally! I’m from Scotland!

You wouldn’t dare burst pustules up in my grille.

Do not burst pustules up in his grille!

Remember what happened last time!

No! No, no!

[ Screams ]

All right, I’ll talk, I’ll talk!

I’ll talk! Ah! [ Sobs ]

Who’s the Throat Ripper?! Who?!

I don’t know his name,

but he’s at Aggy’s Beachcombers Bar

every day at 6:00 P.M.

Let’s go!

Wait a minute! You have to come visit me

in my mother’s place in Madrid.

Ew. ¿Que paso?

[ Coughs ]

[ Engine starts ]

[ Coughing ]

Are your bronchi okay, Primetime?

You don’t look so good.

Drive or I blow your damn proboscis clean off!

Drive! Drive!

♪

What’s that man doing in the road, Primetime?

It’s a damn bandit, hoping we stop so he can rip us off.

Damn shitsky bandits.

Trust me, only bandits wear those expensive gold boots.

Go on, speed up, go, go, go!

[ Engine revs ]

What is that?

Yeah, that is the bandit’s large intestines.

Wait a minute, we just got funky.

♪

What in the name of Little Lord Pissed A Pot

are you doing with that bandit’s gastrointestinal tract,

my good sir?

I’m gonna use it as a weapon

to kill the damn Throat Ripper, my good sir.

♪

Cocky Rico, you’re under arrest.

-For what? -For being the Throat Ripper.

[ Chuckles ] I am not the Throat Ripper.

You rip throats, and you know it.

[ Singing in foreign language ]

Oh, cocksure asshole, aren’t you?

Who, me?

How is Paula, by the way?

Is she still a horny, wild witch?

You keep Paula out of this!

Don’t listen to him, Primetime.

Paula is gone. Paula is long gone, now.

I’m the reason she’s gone.

I buggered her up her banana hole.

She had to leave the island,

’cause she became addicted to nights

in my schlong-alious mobile home.

Yes!

I was renting a chrome RV for the whole of last summer.

It was a sex wagon.

I bonked her, ha, ha, ha, ha,

against every wall, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo,

in every position I know, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

I even bonked her against the ceiling

in a harness made for me by my friend Seedy Dave,

who manufactured it specifically for athletic,

ambitious, lip-smacking sex in midair!

Ooh.

Did I remember to put rubber sheeting down on the floor,

because she hashtag squirted?

Uh, yep!

She hashtag many, many, many, many times squirted.

I don’t want to hear about the squirting!

Come closer.

I cut you with knife.

Ahh!

Ah!

Oh, God!

Oh! [ Gags ] Oh!

Oh! Not my finger!

Ow! Oh!

No!

Okay!

I put a ball in your girlfriend’s banana hole!

But I am not the Throat Ripper!

[ Coughs ]

Bye-bye, you flaming shitsky!

[ Gags ]

Throat Ripper is dead.

There’ll be no more throats ripped.

Except for this one.

Ha! Bye-bye!

[ Laughs ]

What happened to my friend?

Uh, your friend was the Throat Ripper.

Oh, what absolute rubbish!

Cocky Rico ripped all the throats.

Now, you listen to me.

Me and Cocky Rico are both members

of the Aggy’s Beachcombers Bar Choir.

And while the Throat Ripper murders were taking place,

we were crooning songs to a moonlit ocean.

Cocky Rico was innocent.

And 20 of our choir members can tell you this exact story.

-Is that really true? -Trust me.

Cocky Rico had a singing voice like melting honey.

Well, even cops make mistakes.

I need a drinkis.

Can we buy you a drinkis, at least?

Yes, I would like a drinkis.

♪

Wow. I only went for a big pee.

Well, Crab Hands,

I think we gonna need three tropical cocktails.

-Uh, sure thing, Meechy. -Oh, yeah, and, Crab Hands,

can we get some chopped fruit

and some crushed ice, you know, all the accoutrements?

Tell you what, I’ll give you the full service

on one of my signature cool trays.

Does that makes sense?

Uh, yeah, it most definitely does.

♪

I’ve never seen you around here before.

Who are you?

They have a song that perfectly encapsulates who they are

and where they’re from.

What? A song?

Really, Crab Hands?

Are you really ripping me a new arsehole?

Firstly, there’s been quite enough

ripping going on here today.

Secondly, Crab Hands does not lie.

Guys, I gave you one of my cool trays on the house.

Do the song for her.

[ To the tune of "Bad to the Bone" ] ♪ Da da da da da da ♪

♪ We came from the mainland ♪

♪ Cops, but friends first ♪

♪ Da da da da da da ♪

♪ We seen some bad shit, we had to get away ♪

♪ We had to baby, baby, baby, and that’s no lie ♪

♪ Sugarbaby pop-doc, a-ding-dong ♪

♪ Da da da da da da ♪

♪ Now we’re on an island so far away ♪

♪ So far, so far from all the winky-binky bong-bong home ♪

♪ Which was shit ♪

♪ Yeah, home was really shit ♪

You got a little blood on those crab hands, Crab Hands.

I’ve been ripping the guts out of fish all day.

-Ripping? -Ripping.

-Ripping. -Ripping.

Rip, rip, rip.

Drive! Drive! Faster! Faster, faster!

♪

Now, that is most definitely a bandit.

Look at the gold boots.

♪

And they said I wouldn’t catch it.

What we both need now

is some quality time

with our precious boys.

Hmm. Followed by that most elusive of things...

Both: A good night’s sleep.

[ Both laugh ]

What in the name of shit cream is this?!

Some kind of curly joint and rum party?

You’re both 14 years old. You’re children.

Maybe if you spent some time with us,

we wouldn’t need to get exceedingly high nights.

Hey, we’re busting our asses out there!

We’re good cops!

You’re just a couple of boring, fat shitskies!

-You’re shit-dads. -Deadbeat dads.

You just spoke your famous, last out-the-bum word,

you fat, useless, tiny-dick shitsky.

No, no, Primetime, no shooting. Just words.

Call me "deadbeat dad" again.

-No. -Say it!

-No! -Say it.

Fine. You’re a deadbeat dad.

We see you for three days every six months,

because you’re always out chasing criminals.

So, yeah, you’re a deadbeat dad and a complete cocker-wokker.

There, I said the word "cocker-wokker."

Hey. Nobody should say the word "cocker-wokker."

[ Gun cocks ]

[ Gunshots ]

[ Both crying ]

Why’d you make me cry?

[ Beeper buzzes, beeps ]

Shit.

Now a bunch of legs have been found under an old lady’s bed.

[ Both laugh ]

Nobody come in! Private in here!

Legs everywhere.

Primetime: You better start talking, old lady.

I’m not saying shit till my sexy lawyer gets here!

Primetime, you’re not yourself! Stop it!

How’d these legs get here?

I’ve never seen those legs before!

My partner’s over the edge here.

You’d better tell him what he wants to know, and quick.

Ahh!

[ Growls ]

Hey, you!

I know you!

You’re the crooked cop that killed Paula!

Meechy: Primetime, no, no, no, no!

Primetime! Don’t listen to her!

Don’t listen to her! -[ Screaming ]

Burn!

Burn, old lady, fry!

[ Screaming, crying ]

I shall see you on Terror Mountain!

Asses off the car, ladies!

Now, please?

[ Slurping ]

We are drinking big-ass shakes.

I’ve killed before.

And he will kill again.

I am sure.

But be a decent man

and let us finish our big-ass shakes.

Primetime, let ’em finish they big-ass shakes.

This is a delicious big-ass shake!

Okay.

Hurry up and finish your big-ass shakes!

[ Slurping ]

Hurry up and finish your big-ass shakes!

♪

Look, there’s something hairy in the road.

I can see that, you damn shitsky.

Stop.

Good evening.

I’m here to formally introduce myself.

My name is Mr. Sebastian Lyon.

Lyon, spelled L-Y-O-N,

like the French city, Lyon.

But you can simply call me The Proud Lion.

You’ll be seeing a lot more of me.

I am a criminal.

Are you the Throat Ripper?

No.

-Yeah, you are. -I most certainly am not.

-I think you are. -Listen to me. I’m not.

You are. I can sense it.

I’m really not, actually.

You are, you are. I can sense it.

I’m not, you wanker. You absolute wanker.

You’re a wanker!

All right, I believe you.

How about we arrest your proud lion ass right now,

you long-tailed, woolly-headed shitsky?

You want to arrest me?

Then find me at the top of Terror Mountain!

Roar!

Captain Solomon says for us never to go to Terror Mountain.

King Skull lives over there.

I know what they say about Terror Mountain, Meechy.

I’ve been on the island as long as you have.

-Mm. -Well.

And King Skull, he’s -- he’s just a myth, right?

[ Coughs ]

Oh, here comes the cough.

[ Coughing ]

[ Sighs ]

Ah, shit!

I just caught your loogie!

I done a loogie, Meechy.

[ Laughs ]

[ Snoring ]

[ Telephone ringing ]

[ Snoring continues ]

Answer the phone!

Captain: Get your asses to the beach right now!

-Oh, Captain. -Come on!

-Captain, slow down. -Get on it!

-Calm down, Captain. -Get your asses to the beach!

Get your asses to the beach right now!

Get on it! Come on!

Get your asses to the beach!

Get your asses to the beach immediately!

Now! Please!

[ Slurping ]

Disgusting!

♪

Captain: There is more than one Throat Ripper!

Welcome to "Tropical Cop Tales."