Original subtitles

You've got it! Come on! Do it, babe!

Come on, babe. Push!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooooh!

Push, push.

You can do it!

Push!

Ooh, it's a big 'un. Oh, I can feeI it coming.

(grunts)

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, dear!

- One more push. Oh! - Come on!

One more!

Come on! Try and push!

(increasingly rapid beeps)

I can see its head. Come on, Mrs Smash.

(screams)

It's a fIyer!

- (applause) - Well done!

It's a boy, Mr Smash.

That was the first day of my life, ever.

- (baby cries) - (sobbing) Grab this, Doc.

For about 30 seconds,...

..my mum and dad were the happiest people in the world.

- (doctor) Say cheese! - And then it happened.

(baby farts)

(gurgles)

(farts through baby intercom)

And it never stopped happening.

Your turn, darling.

(yawns)

(steamy whoosh)

(Ioud fart)

(china smashes)

(farts)

Go to sleep.

(farts)

Dad found my problem really hard.

But for a while, he coped really well.

(muted fart)

(explosion)

One time,...

..he really thought he'd solved it.

- (farts) - I'd play in my playpen for hours...

..while he'd read the paper.

(farts)

(gurgles)

(farts)

Uh!

- (fart roars) - Aaah!

That time, Dad went to hospital for ages.

When he got home, he had to work nearly all the time.

(mother) Don't go, please!

In the end, Dad decided to go to work forever.

- (car engine starts) - I can't do it any more!

- (wails) - (sobs) Get away from the car.

(mother wails)

After that, my sister Denise didn't talk to me much.

Even my mum went a bit quiet.

Got your Iunchbox?

So I was really looking forward to going to school...

..and making some friends.

Give Mummy a kiss.

- (farts) - Oh.

(teacher) Morning, children!

(children) Morning, Miss Little.

Children, this is Patrick Smash.

Patrick Smash, say hello.

(Ioud fart)

It wasn't a good start.

- (children chant) Fart boy! - Sit down, children.

All the kids pointed and shouted.

Except one.

That was the day I met Alan.

(chuckles and farts)

We did everything together.

I don't know what it was, we just clicked.

Alan was great. He liked me for who I was.

And he didn't care about my problem.

(Ioud fart)

Alan had no sense of smell.

Alan was my best friend.

Alan was my only friend.

But every day was a constant struggle with my problem.

And every day, I tried to avoid...

..Damon.

Look who it isn't. Patrick Smash.

What are you doing in my corner of the playground, Smash?

You ain't nothing but a big, fat Ioser.

Give us your Iunchbox.

(children shout and laugh)

- Ugh. What's this crap? - It's speciaI food,...

..to help me with my problem.

No, it's not. It's crap!

I want jam tomorrow. AII right?

Hello, Patrick.

- How progresses the day? - AII right, thanks, AIan.

Oh, no! We've been invaded by creatures from the planet Zorg!

(boys giggle)

The nearest star, Proxima Centaura, is four Iight years away.

It is debatabIe that this steIIar body...

..holds within its gravitational pull...

..a planetary system of any kind,...

..Iet aIone one that goes by the appeIIation of Zorg.

- If we widen our... - Shut up, Zorg boy.

Good one, Damon.

You suck, Zorg boy!

(kicks Iunchbox) Idiot.

What am I, Patrick?

Um...

Alan?

I'm a bIithering idiot.

My attempt to embarrass them with my astrophysics...

..was, quite frankly, a foolish waste of time.

Alan, why do you talk in that funny way?

I speak with cIarity and precision.

The ability to utilise language is just one of my many talents,...

..talents which will enable me to realise my dream.

- What dream? - I am an inventor, Patrick.

Currently, I am engaged in the creation of a machine...

..that will fly without depleting the earth's precious resources.

I wiII buiId that machine.

I wiII win that competition. I am AIan. I am me.

That is what makes me strong.

( sings in ItaIian)

Sir John, are you... are you all right?

Fine, dear Iady.

It is, quite simpIy, my craft.

Sir John Osgood, children.

The second-greatest tenor in the world!

Thank you very much, Sir John.

- I'm so gratefuI. - PIeasure, headmistress.

- (chuckles) - All stand.

Right, you Iot. AbsoIute siIence!

Not a peep. Not a sound. Not a whisper!

Not a breath.

Let us pray...

..that when you grow from children...

..into sensible adults,...

..you will have a talent close to mine.

Let us give thanks for the gift...

..of my music.

Let us pray...

..for healthy ticket sales for my upcoming world tour.

And now, silence,...

..for a few moments of inner contemplation.

Uh...

Ah!

(Iong, Ioud fart)

(children groan)

(steamy whoosh)

(headmistress) Smash!

You have ruined Sir John's visit!

You are, without a shadow of a doubt,...

..the foulest little creature to walk the earth.

Now, get out!

That was the worst day of my life, ever.

Fart boy!

(Headmistress) I'm sorry. TerribIy sorry.

Would you like to retire to the staff room...

..for a Bourbon biscuit and a cup of tea?

There you go, sweetheart.

There's your beans.

I'd had enough.

I was fed up.

At moments like this, I'd think about my dream.

(TV) The latest rocket in the Zeus programme...

(Patrick) I dreamed that one day I'd become a spaceman.

(TV) ..for a series of complex, highly technical experiments...

..in zero gravity.

Oh. And there she goes.

There she does indeed go.

"Dear Space Centre. Today I watched the space launch on TV. '

"I want to be a spaceman. "

"But I have a problem. "

"I cannot control my arse. "

"Would that be a worry?"

"Love, Patrick Smash. "

(TV) I'm joined now by General Ed Sheppard,...

..commander-in-chief of operations at the US Space Centre.

General, that was an incredible launch.

You must be... over the moon.

- (chuckles) - Indeed we are, Todd.

Tell us, General, what makes an astronaut?

I'll tell you what makes an astronaut, Todd.

You gotta be focused, determined...

..and in complete control of yourself.

But most of all, all of my astronauts,...

..each and every one has worked hard...

..to overcome their problems.

And each one of them...

..is a uniquely gifted individual.

(Todd) The crew must be really special people.

General, thank you for taking the time to talk to us today.

- And good luck with the mission. - Thank you, Todd.

And cake news.:

Today, a local lady achieved national...

Overcome my problems.

Uniquely gifted individual.

Alan.

(Alan) Fascinating!

So you would like me to eliminate...

..that which has made you an outsider...

..in the eyes of society?

No, Alan. It's my arse.

I want you to make something to stop me farting.

My flying machine is proving to be...

..a greater challenge than anticipated.

It shouId work, but it doesn't.

The flight competition is still a week away,...

..so a day's respite will clear my mind.

Yes, Patrick.

I will construct a machine and before you know it,...

..you will be in total control of your sphincter.

Does that mean you're going to help me?

Quite so, Patrick. Now, Ieave me.

(echoing) There is work to be done.

So with Alan's help, I felt sure we would succeed.

But things were already happening around us...

..that would change our lives...

..in ways we could never have guessed.

(shutter whirs and clicks)

(filing of metal)

(electric saw buzzes)

(drill whirs)

(banging)

(hissing and pinging)

(buzzing)

(dogs bark)

- (cock crows) - (farts)

Thunderpants!

AII right, Patrick, we're ready for you!

(squeak of rubber stretching)

- (sighs) Ah! - Good.

The thunderpants will contain the emissions...

..in the airtight rubber Iining...

..within the rigid copper exoskeleton.

Now, evacuate into the holding unit.

Evacuate into the holding unit.

The Iunchbox.

There's a button on the handle.

(hissing)

A-ha!

The gases have been vented into this Iunchbox...

..which will be able to hold a full day's emissions...

..in perfect safety.

What do I do when it's fuII up?

Nothing could be simpler.

(buzzer)

(squelching)

(whistle blows)

(bell tings)

Gas transfer successful.

TotaI containment.

What am I?

I'm a blithering idiot.

A blithering idiot?

I'm a genius!

( Richard Strauss.: Also Sprach Zarathustra)

Alan had done it.

He had managed to make me the same as everybody else.

It was the best day of my life, ever.

(rubber creaks)

AII stand.

Not a peep. Not a sound.

Not a whisper. Not a breath.

All of my astronauts, each and every one,...

..has worked hard...

..to overcome their problems.

And each one of them is a uniquely gifted individual.

Hello, Patrick. How progresses the day?

It's great, AIan.

I feeI Iike new! These thunderpants are briIIiant.

A first-class engineering job.

Clearly, continued monitoring of the situation is required.

But I have no doubt...

..these pants will withstand the test of time.

Alan,...

Slight adjustment.

Alan, now you've solved my problem,...

..can you find my unique gift?

Ah! That got it.

Your what? Gift? Oh, er, nothing could be simpler.

You don't have one.

(Damon) Oi, you!

Why are you in my corner of the playground, Smash?

But... I thought that's your corner.

Nah. I decided I didn't Iike that corner.

I've chosen this corner instead.

AII right, fart boy, what's for Iunch?

- Don't, Damon, don't! - I... I...

I think it wouId be most unwise for you to disengage that...

Push off, Zorg boy! This had better be jam, Smash.

(farting)

'Gas transfer successful. '

- (children jeer) - Bet he's not farting now!

I warned you, fart boy. I gave you every chance.

What d'you do? You fart in my face.

Well, now you're for it!

Get him!

(shouting)

(cloth rips)

(metaI cIanks)

(cheers)

(Ioud fart)

(children groan)

(boy) Fart boy.

(children chant)

(chanting) Fart boy! Fart boy!

That was the worst day of my life,...

..ever.

(TV) In space news today,...

..the electrical systems on board the space station lcarus...

..have caused concern.

lcarus Control tell us there is no cause for alarm.

Hello, Patrick. Mind if I come in?

- I missed you at schooI. - I'm not going back.

- I toId Mum I'm iII. - I repaired the thunderpants.

I don't care. I know now, AIan.

You told me, I haven't got a unique gift.

My dream's never going to come true.

But the thunderpants work.

They're stronger than ever now.

You can try to avoid Damon.

- That's your dream right there. - That's not my dream.

- I thought you wanted a cure. - I did.

But that wasn't my dream.

I want to be a spaceman.

I've aIways wanted to be a spaceman,...

..ever since I was smaII.

I Iove rockets and I Iove space.

If I was a spaceman, I couId fIy into space...

..and everybody will know it was me, Patrick Smash.

I couId Iook down at the earth and it wouId be tiny.

People like Damon would be so small,...

..you couldn't even see them.

You could hardly even see the country they were in.

And they'd Iook up to space...

..and know that I was up there and I was free.

Patrick Smash,...

..spaceman.

That's what they'II say.

Oh, good heavens, Patrick! Have you Iost your mind?

Why,...

..to be an astronaut, you need training.

You need to be at a physicaI peak.

You need to have passed exams at the highest IeveIs.

Yeah.

Of course.

Patrick? I... I didn't mean...

I... I... Oh.

(sighs)

Good Lord!

What is it? Tell me.

Look at this. The boy's got two stomachs. IncredibIe.

Like a cow.

Unbelievable. I've never seen the like.

Young Patsy is a unique individuaI.

- He's a medicaI phenomenon. - But why?

Why? Haven't a clue.

But for some unknown reason,...

..Mother Nature has bestowed upon IittIe Patsy...

..a completely useless gift.

What was that bit about the... gift, Mr Doctor?

Gift. I said you've got a gift, young man.

Do I have to syringe out your ears as weII?

Let's get this young slacker back to school forthwith,...

- Mrs Crash. - Smash.

The doctor himself called me a unique individual.

A medical phenomenon.

He said I had a... gift.

That was the best day of my life, ever.

But what happened next was destined to change my life...

..in ways I could never have guessed.

( tenor sings in ltalian with piano)

Ecco Ia piu aIta nota di mai

Mai

(voice breaks) Mai...

( singing continues)

Ecco la piu

Alta nota di mai

- Mai - (Ioud fart)

(tunefuI squeaI)

(tunefuI squeaI continues)

- (glass smashes) - (fart)

You!

Boy! Yes, you.

What's your name?

No!

Don't run away!

(grunts and puffs)

Sir John!

That note! It was beautifuI.

Simply remarkable.

Amazing.

Only Placido P Placeedo has ever reached it before.

UntiI now, sir.

Gosh! You could be the world's number one.

What? Oh, no, no.

That was the child who...

The child, sir? I...

The child!

You were right, Patrick. You do have a gift. Why,...

..the configuration of stomachs...

..puts me in mind of a fission chamber...

..coupled with some kind of propulsion module.

This is exactly what I've been looking for!

Yes!

I might even use the thunderpants.

This could be revolutionary! Patrick, my friend,...

..my flying machine will succeed after all.

What am I, Patrick?

- Er,... - (Alan's voice) I'm a genius.

- A genius? - No! No, no, no. Well, yes.

Actually, I am a genius, but I am also an imbecile.

The very thing I've been trying to contain...

..is the very thing...

..that will make us sail through the heavens!

It's the annuaI madness...

..of the non-assisted flight competition.

A handsome cash purse awaits the first man or woman...

..who can traveI 100 feet...

..without the use of motors, engines, power cells or fossil fuels.

World-famous tenor Sir John Osgood,...

..England's answer to Placido P Placeedo,...

..has joined us to present the winning prize.

Sir John has found time in his busy schedule,...

..rehearsing for his world tour,...

..where he hopes to reach the high note...

..in Bartorelli's Unperformable Seventh.

Just pop you there.

Ladies and gentlemen,...

..please put your hands together...

..for the second-best tenor in the world,...

Sir John...

- ..Osgood! - (cheering)

- Radishes? Curried eggs? - Check!

- Runner beans? Courgettes? - Check!

- Aubergine? Cabbage? - Check!

- Spinach? - Check!

Sprouts?

No. You said you'd bring sprouts.

I most assuredIy did not.

You did, Alan. I remember.

You said!

I can't do it without the sprouts, AIan! I need 'em!

I need 'em! I need 'em!

I need...

Calm down, Patrick. Calm down.

It's me. AIan.

We are Patrick and Alan, the team.

With your gift, my genius and our friendship,...

..we can never go wrong!

- (applause) - Thanks, Alan.

Thanks for being a friend.

First up,...

..the flying Dutchman himself, Vincent Vincente,...

..with his magnificent creation,...

..Albatross lV.

(applause)

(announcer) OK. When you're ready,...

..take it away, Vincent!

Now, isn't that beautifuI?

Doesn't that remind you of an albatross?

Oh, dear. Perhaps more of a dodo. It's going nowhere.

(creaks)

Next up, Don Coaty with his vortex technology...

..Hurricane of Power!

(cheering)

(cloth rips)

And off they go, the Flight of Fancy!

Oh.

He's going... He's going... Oh!

A big round of applause for Mrs Bishop!

Goodbye, Charles!

Ooh!

Lesley Parsons, if that takes off,...

..I'II eat my hat!

(applause and cheering)

Oh, dear!

Bye-bye, Stephen. Have a nice time in hospitaI.

Oh, it's the Birdman himself,...

..Jackie Jackson. Off you go, Jackie!

- (thump) - Nice to see you back, Jackie.

Oh, and, er, finally,...

..we have... Patrick Smash...

..and Alan A Allen,...

..with Thunderpants II. Hm.

Well, seems to be two young boys.

My apologies. I know you all want your tea.

Let's get a couple of shots of these clowns.

Quick as you can, boys.

(chatter)

Off you go.

- Ready, Patrick? - I think so, AIan.

Shall I fart now?

Engage.

(Ioud fart)

(fart continues)

Look at this, everyone! Gary, wave them off!

They're moving!

They're moving forward.

This is absolutely amazing!

They're actually flying!

Go on!

(fart continues)

(whining and rattling)

(fart continues)

(crowd groans)

(fart continues)

Keep it up, Patrick. I'II get it!

(crowd) Phwoar!

(splutters)

- (tunefuI squeaI) - The note!

I haven't got much Ieft in me, AIan.

- Keep going! You can do it. - It's no good, I can't!

Do it for me.

(Ioud fart, crowd cheers)

Come on!

Cheer them on, Iadies and gentIemen!

They can do it!

Come on! This is the big one.

Ladies and gentlemen,...

..this is an historic day!

- (cheering) - Patrick, we did it!

Patrick, let's make our next project Thunderpants lll.

A giant rocket with enough power to soar into space!

Well done, boys!

With your gift, my genius and our friendship,...

..we'II never go wrong.

..as they crossed the finish Iine.

Patrick Smash and Alan A Allen...

(TV) ..in the most remarkable flying machine...

..this reporter has ever seen.

(Osgood) Patrick Smash and Alan Allen!

Well done!

Ladies and gentlemen,...

..I give you the outright winners of 100 English pounds!

- (crowd cheers) - (phone rings)

- Johnson. - Sir.

- Well? - Yes, sir, they did it. They won.

- Excellent. - Remarkable, sir.

(Patrick) So that was it. I'd conquered my problem...

..and found my gift.

Alan was going to help me be a spaceman.

But first,...

..I had some unfinished business to take care of.

- (boys Iaugh) - Oh, here's Zorg boy.

I can't beIieve my eyes, Smash. You've got some nerve.

I finished you at schooI...

..and now you show your stupid farty face in my place?

It's not your pIace. It's mine.

Oh! The worm has turned...

..into a fart boy.

Well, fart boy, prepare to get slapped.

(groans, Ioud fart)

(boys cough and splutter)

Flaming 'eck. What's that?

(coughing and spluttering)

Go away!

(pants anxiously)

Uh! Get off! Uh...

You... You... You... You're a freak!

No!

(shouts) No!

(wind howls)

(Damon's screams echo)

(explosion)

(Ieaves rustIe)

That was the best day of my life,...

..ever.

Yes?

Hello, Mr Allen. I just saw Alan going away.

Is he going to be Iong?

Because we need to do my dream.

I see. WeII, AIan has moved to pastures new.

Oh. He Ieft a missive.

"Patrick, my friend,...

..regretfully,...

..my genius is very much needed elsewhere at present. "

"Good luck with your dream. Sincerely, Alan A Allen. "

Is he going to be Iong, then?

Let me make this perfectly clear, Patrick Smash.

Alan has gone to another country. He won't be back.

Another country?

(sighs)

I couldn't believe it.

Alan had gone.

I was all alone.

I didn't know what to do.

It was the worst day of my life, ever.

As the situation aboard lcarus reaches critical,...

..US Space Control...

..has admitted they are unable to launch a rescue mission.

General Ed Sheppard had this to say.

(reporters shout questions)

The prayers of the world...

..are going out to those brave souls...

..who are stranded up there...

..between heaven and earth.

The boys and girls at the Space Centre...

..are doing all they can to launch a rescue mission.

But I gotta tell ya,...

..we're plumb out of ideas.

We're in trouble.

We need a miracle.

(doorbell)

(TV) Ed Sheppard there, speaking from lcarus Control earlier today.

Young man, I wiII not take no for an answer.

I wish to take you on a worId tour with me, Sir John Osgood.

You'II see things on the way you've onIy ever dreamt of,...

..we'II visit countries...

Other countries?

Naturally, yes. Other countries.

AII right.

You'II hear me sing every night and you'II... What?

AII right, then. I'II go to other countries.

Ah...

I'II just get my things.

Right.

It's quite a day for you, boy.

So, from out of the blue, I'd been offered a chance,...

..a chance to go to other countries.

If I went with Sir John, maybe I could find Alan...

..and we could be Patrick and Alan, the team, again.

I would take that chance. I would go with Sir John.

I would sing with my arse.

So, night after night, I did the high bit with my arse.

(tuneful squeal)

(wild cheering)

(speaks Spanish)

And day after day, I searched the world for my best friend.

(tunefuI squeaI)

(cheering and applause)

(whistling and cheering)

(tunefuI squeaI)

(cheering and whistling)

(crowd) Encore!

(whistling and applause)

(sniffs)

(mutters)

(tunefuI squeaI)

Again, boy. Again.

But Mr John,...

- ..I'm so hungry. - Poppycock, boy.

Must practise!

If you don't finish, you won't get any pudding.

Don't you see, boy?

We can sing the high note now.

We're at the top now.

Staying at the top, that's the challenge.

Practice. It's the onIy way.

I think I'II sIip out for a IittIe fettucine a Ia fIamadora,...

..with a nice chianti.

Practice!

(tunefuI squeaI)

(hoteI manager) Signor PIaceedo, you must wait.

Signor Osgood, he say no visitors!

No visitors(!) He will see me.

Ma, I'ho detto che non po entrare, � prohibito.

- Sono iI direttore di questo aIbergo. - (tunefuI squeaI)

O, Santa Madonna, ma che mi volete farmi uscire tutti pazzi oggi!

Lo sai che ti dico, ma vafanculo puro ti, mi fai antipatia, mi fai!

- (farts) - A child?

Here?

You, boy!

You know who I am?

You're the world's number two.

(shivers) Never.

I am PIacido PIaceedo,...

..the greatest singer in the world!

So, tell me,...

..IittIe boy,...

..what do you do?

I carry Mr John's bags, make him drinks and sandwiches...

..and I'm searching the worId for my friend AIan...

..so we can do my dream.

Oh, and I sing the high bit with my arse, Mr Ceedo.

But that's a secret between me and Mr John.

You are singing the high bit...

..with your arse?

Hm.

It might just work.

(hissing)

( sings in ItaIian)

(deep rumbling)

(audience gasp)

(tunefuI squeaI)

(glass smashes)

(cries out)

(farts)

(tunefuI squeaI dies, fart continues)

(farting continues)

(squeals with delight)

- Fake! - (audience gasps)

- He is a fake! - (audience gasps)

(muttering)

It's the boy...

..who is singing the note...

..through his short trousers!

- (audience gasps) - No! Madonna!

It is I and onIy I,...

..Placido P Placeedo,...

..who is the number one singer...

..in the world!

And you, sir, are number two!

(astonished gasps)

(audience) Bravissimo! Placeedo!

(creaking)

Ah!

- (crash) - (audience screams)

(commotion)

- Read all about it! - Latest edition!

Flatulent boy held!

(ltalian reporter) ll mondo dell' opera, un crudele assassino...

(Japanese reporter) Kyo, sekai namba wan no opera...

(Spanish reporter) Todo esta revuelto...

(US reporter) The opera world was in turmoil today...

..when the world's number one opera star was slain,...

..in a complex conspiracy...

..led by criminal mastermind Patrick Smash.

Placido P Placeedo was killed instantly...

..when a spotlight in Rome's Roma opera house...

..fell from the lighting rig, shaken loose by Patrick Smash.

(reporter) Are you a murderer, Patrick?

I didn't mean to kill Mr Ceedo.

And I didn't know it was wrong to sing the high bit with my arse.

I just want to find my friend Alan.

I just want to be Patrick and Alan, the team, again.

I want to put my gift and your genius together,...

..so we can reach for the stars.

I miss you, Alan.

And I'm scared.

(reporters and policemen shout)

Is that him?

Yes, that's him.

That's Patrick.

Read all about it!

Latest news! Fart boy on trial!

- (customer) Six Heralds, please. - (vendor) Get your papers 'ere!

- Echo, please. - Latest news on fart boy trial!

World holds its breath for fart trial!

(court clerk) Silence in court!

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,...

..Placido P Placeedo...

..was without doubt the world's greatest opera singer.

A charming, talented man,...

..who, as I shaII show during this triaI,...

..was humiliated and then cut down...

..by this, this...

..eviI chiId.

(coughs from gallery)

(Osgood) I feeI such a fooI.

I gave him every chance and he threw it aII in my face.

Then...

..he murdered the best friend...

..I ever had.

Everybody at schooI was scared of him.

He attacked me for no reason with that...

..weapon of his.

- (muttering) - Order! Order!

I have taught Patrick Smash...

..for five years,...

..at the end of which time,...

..I Iooked behind his eyes and I saw...

..pure eviI.

You can clearly see...

..the deep crack in the metal,...

..a production flaw.

The bolt was substandard. It could've snapped...

..at any time.

Tell me, would you call yourself an opera lover, Mr Henderson?

Well, no.

- I'm a metaIIurgist. - I see.

Do you Iisten to opera at aII?

I'm sorry. I don't quite see the reIevance...

The witness will answer the question.

No.

I... I don't Iisten to opera.

Thank you, Mr Henderson.

- But this is not about... - That will be all, thank you.

It's cracked.

I see.

And this would be around the time your best friend,...

..your only friend,...

..Alan, disappeared.

Yes, sir.

Just as you received a cheque...

..for 100 English pounds.

Yes, sir.

How...

..convenient.

And so a picture has emerged,...

..Iadies and gentIemen of the jury,...

..a picture of a Ioner,...

..a strange, haunted child,...

..who'd harass children younger, weaker than himself,...

..who'd bully those of whom he was jealous.

A Iiar!

A cheat. A thief.

A boy,...

..guilty of fraud, grievous bodily harm,...

..damage to property,...

..reckless endangerment,...

..and now,...

..murder.

(jurors) Guilty!

- Guilty! - Guilty!

Guilty!

That was it. I'd been at rock bottom before,...

..but this time I was even lower.

Now I'd never get to do my dream.

(shouts) Fart boy walking!

I would never know what happened to Alan.

It was the worst day of my life,...

..ever.

Squad,... (clears throat)

..get ready.

Take aim.

(tyres screech)

(car horn blares)

And then it happened.

Johnson J Johnson.

United States of America SpeciaI Forces.

Your British Home Secretary has authorised the transfer...

..of prisoner Patrick Smash...

..into the custody of the United States Government.

Our sincerest apologies...

..for the formalities, Mr Smash.

We experienced severaI administeriaI deIays...

..in securing the appropriate papers from your British Home Office.

Somebody untie this boy, goddammit!

Mr Smash, I wouId Iike to formaIIy request...

..that you accompany us to a place where your unique gifts...

..are very much needed at this present moment in time.

AII right, then!

(shouts) Let's move out!

This way, sir.

Thank you for your co-operation.

You have yourselves a nice day, now.

Make yourself comfortable, Mr Smash.

We have a short drive ahead of us.

Is there anything we can do for you, sir?

No, thank you, Mr Johnson.

I don't mean to be any troubIe.

No trouble, Mr Smash. No trouble at all.

- Mr Johnson? - Yes, sir?

Do you mind if I...

- You go right ahead, sir. - Thank you, Mr Johnson.

Air Force Nine, this is Tower.

You are clear for takeoff.

This way, sir.

Operation Hot Dog, you have clearance for the Smash kid.

(electronic door whirs)

We've arranged a private room for your use.

A change of clothes, personal hygiene kit...

..and some refreshments.

We've selected a range of snacks...

..that we hope will meet with your approval.

Now, with your permission,...

..there will be a briefing at 0200 hours,...

..Greenwich Mean Time.

I suggest that you rest up tiII then, sir.

AII right, then.

(sobs)

Air Force Nine, this is Tower.

You are clear runway ten-niner...

Chuck, take her on a heading of one-zero-niner.

- Roger that, sir. - Let's take her home.

How is the IittIe feIIa?

He's crying.

A-ha! Come in Mr Smash, sir.

The briefing team is waiting for you.

Alan!

You Ieft me aII aIone!

I thought we'd put my gift and your genius together...

..and do my dream.

I've been Iooking for you everywhere.

Patrick, sit down. I'II expIain everything.

Now, Patrick, Mr Johnson...

Alan told me that they'd found out how clever he was.

They came to the flight competition to ask him to help them.

He was working really hard to save the spacemen...

..on space station lcarus.

He couldn't tell me because it was a secret,...

..but he really wanted to.

There is a breach in the hull,...

..where the meteorite shower hit Iast week...

What happened next was destined to change my life for ever.

We decided that we should stage a rescue mission.

But the sub-engines on the rescue rocket...

..have suffered a severe malfunction.

Some of our boys are up there, Mr Smash.

And they're dying.

Patrick, you know you have two stomachs.

Yeah.

Well, the clever people here...

..think that you can help the astronauts.

Can you help us, slugger?

Am I going to be a spaceman?

Yes, Patrick. You're going to be a spaceman.

(phone rings)

- Yeah? - Mr Smash is here, General.

Thank you, Annie.

Johnson.

So this is he?

Thank the sweet Iovin' Jesus that you're here, son!

The boys and girls...

..at Space ControI have caIcuIated

..that we have a 24-hour window...

..in which to Iaunch a rescue rocket.

You're a fruit, son.

Fruit, sir?

The good Lord has Iooked down from on high...

..at those astronauts, and has shed a single tear.

The single tear has fallen to the earth...

..and nursed a tiny seed.

The seed became a sprout, that sprout has borne a bud,...

..that bud has brought forth a fruit!

You're that fruit, son. Praise God!

- Now, we have got work to do. - Come on.

(Tannoy) Flight crew to Test Bay Four.

Repeat. Flight crew to Test Bay Four.

Mr Smash, it is my duty to inform you...

..that what you are about to see is classified.

Category triple A clearance.

Son, I gotta teII ya,...

..behind these doors is the secret...

..of the USSC family.

A family I sincerely hope that you will soon join.

- Alan. - Yes, sir.

This is your show.

- You take it from here. - (clears throat)

(electronic voice) Scanning. Scanning.

Agent Johnson J Johnson. You are clear to enter.

(Tannoy) Control room crew, prepare for guidance verification.

Come on, Patrick.

Let me introduce you to my team.

The best of the best.

Hello, everybody.

Patrick, the guys.

Welcome aboard, Patrick!

This is a proud moment for us all.

Patrick, this is Jos�.

Everything OK, Jos�?

I'm sorry, Patrick, but I'm trying to expIain something...

..to those idiots in Launch ControI.

They screwed up the inertiaI pIatform faiIure procedure...

..and they have misinterpreted the Iaunch teIemetry.

They're driving me crazy!

Calm down, Jos�. We'll sort it out.

Why don't we ask the grown-ups to help?

(giggling)

- (clear throats) - Don't you see, Patrick?

There are no grown-ups in research and planning.

We make the decisions here.

The grown-ups of the USSC are on a constant search...

..throughout the world to seek out children with gifts.

That's why they came and found me.

And that's why they found you, too.

- But all I can do is fart. - Exactly, Patrick. Exactly.

(children) Mm-hm.

This is the design of the revolutionary new jet engine,...

..the prototype for which...

..was built into the rescue rocket.

But the engine coupling...

..was fused with the booster housing!

(tuts) That is my father's department.

And this is a computer modeI of your stomachs.

You see, you have that revolutionary new engine...

..there in your shorts, Patrick!

Jos� worked on the module coupling.

Yes. You will sit in this harness, above the boosters.

We call it the Thermo Diaper.

(Alan) Thunderpants lll.

I have harnessed the fuII potentiaI...

..of your flatulence...

..and enhanced it exponentially.

You're going to Iaunch the rescue rocket.

You're going to Iaunch Thunderpants III!

So that was it.

I was going to launch that rocket.

I was going to save the astronauts.

I was going to be a spaceman.

My dream had come true.

It was the best day of my life, ever.

(sighs) I...

That boy in there has no stamina, no dexterity,...

..no strength and no experience.

He's failed all the mental and physical tests in our lexicon.

How are we gonna make this thing work, Ed?

That child is a tool, Johnson.

A tool, sir?

A fragile tool which the good Lord has chosen to deliver to us.

It's up to us to use it wiseIy...

..and use it well.

That boy in there...

..has got the hopes and the fears of the American people...

..in his goddamn shorts.

Amen, Ed.

Amen.

(General) It's showtime, boys. Show me what you got.

(Tannoy) Please stand by for primary ignition test.

Patrick, give it a quick burn. Check out the hardware.

Roger.

Wilco, Alan.

(fart dies out)

- Wow. - Holy Mary, mother of God!

- Hot dog! - Some power you got down there!

(Tannoy) Launch in T minus 30 minutes.

Flight crew to Gantry Five.

Son, may I shake your hand?

You've eaten...

..every Ieaf vegetabIe and every bean product...

..within a ten-mile radius of this place.

You've done a 12-year training course in two and a half hours.

And you possess the most powerfuI tooter I ever saw!

Whoa!

You got a heart of gold, son,...

..you've got the constitution of an ox.

And you've got pants of thunder.

Godspeed, Patrick Smash.

Thank you, Mr Ed.

Knock 'em dead, skipper.

Thank you, Mr Johnson.

What am I, Patrick?

You're the cleverest one of all.

And I'm proud. Good Iuck!

(cheering)

(TV) As the rescue rocket points to the skies,...

..the world can only wait and hope...

..and pray that they've found a way to lift that craft,...

..those tons of equipment, that metal, plastic...

Hold on.

Hold on. They...

There is movement there.

There is definitely something going on...

..near the command centre.

Uh, it seems...

- That's Patrick again, Iook! - Patrick! Look!

..a very small man is...

It's... It's a boy!

A... A boy astronaut...

..of maybe nine or ten.

A buggy is making its way across the tarmac.

But now,...

..now we can see a group approaching,...

..walking towards the boy.

One of the men is, um,...

..um, is,... shaking the boy's hand.

The eyes of the world are on you, Patrick Smash.

We all admire you.

God bless you and God bless America.

Thank you, Mr President.

Good Iuck, son.

(President) The boy's a miracle.

(children chatter)

Gentlemen, what have you got?

Electrical systems are go, sir!

Life-support system on Iine, sir.

Ignition systems on Iine, sir.

Methane filters engaged.

Cooling systems are green for go, sir.

Sulphur boosters are on line, sir.

Expansion chambers are primed for influx.

There you go, sir.

(radio) Flight pressurisation is under way.

We have a green light...

..as the main engines, uh, as we prepare for ignition.

(chatter, phones ring)

Sir, I was running through the Iaunch sequence again...

..and I've, uh, I've come across a probIem.

It seems that 20 seconds into the Iaunch,...

..it's possible we might lose communication with the rocket,...

..followed by a shutdown of life-support systems...

Cut to the chase, Foster. We're runnin' on fumes.

Sorry, sir.

A chain reaction.

An explosion, sir. Total destruction of the rocket.

Goddamn! What's the chances of this happening?

Uh,...

..79%.

(sighs) Sweet Jesus.

That gives us 21% to play with.

Alan!

A word in your ear, son, please.

We've got a problem here, um,...

(Tannoy) Final checks concluded. Stand by for launch.

(Alan) Patrick, we have a problem.

Hello, Alan. What's wrong?

There is a chance, Patrick, a big chance,...

..that Thunderpants III wiII...

..will blow up shortly after liftoff.

(gasps)

GeneraI Sheppard says that the decision is yours...

..and... and if you choose to stay,...

..you're still a goddamn hero.

Alan,...

..can I say something to everybody?

Go ahead, Patrick.

Hello, everyone.

My name is Smash, Patrick Smash.

And this is my dream.

I'm going to try my best to be a good spaceman.

I've never had the whole world rely on me before.

I mean, I do try to do my best at home,...

..but I wasn't what my mum expected me to be.

I did try to do my best at school too,...

..but I upset some of the other kids.

And I was a disappointment to the teachers.

One time, I thought I'd found someone who would help me.

We went round the world together. We sang together.

But everything kept going wrong.

But then my friend Alan came and showed me...

..that what the spacemen need now is a friend.

I'm going to try and be that friend.

We are Patrick and Alan, the team.

And with my gift, your genius and our friendship,...

..we can never go wrong!

And Alan,...

..thanks for remembering the sprouts this time.

Who gave you Iadies permission to bIubber?

- Uh... - Patrick Smash,...

..we salute you.

(all) Yes, sir.

Let's blow ass!

(chatter)

OK, Patrick.

We're ready for you, buddy.

(Tannoy) Guidance systems are on line.

Engage primary ignition system.

We're lookin' good.

T minus ten,...

..nine,...

..eight, seven,...

..six,...

..five,...

..four, three, two,...

..one,...

Patrick...

Yes, Alan?

You've got to Iet one go now.

All right, then.

(groans)

(roaring fart)

(electronic voice) Gas transfer successful.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have liftoff!

(cheering)

- Congratulations, son. - Thanks.

Good work, Johnson.

(regular beeps)

(rapid beeps)

(screen crackles)

(intermittent beeps)

What's going on, Mr Johnson?

Um, we appear to have...

..Iost communication with the rocket...

..and Iife-support systems are...

Please, come on.

(mutters)

(tunefuI squeaI)

(tunefuI squeaI sweIIs)

That's the Bart Seven.

He's OK?

He's OK. He... He's OK!

He's alive!

(wild cheering)

And that's my story.

I'm just a nobody, really.

I've always been a nobody.

I'm not that clever. I'm not that brave.

But I did one thing right.

I found out what it was...

..that made me who I am,...

..that made me... me.

And that's my message to you.

You may think you have problems now,...

..but are they really problems?

Take them, look at them,...

..use them.

Use them wisely and use them well.

And maybe,...

..just maybe,...

..one day,...

..your dream will come true.

(TV) Today, the world breathed a sigh of relief...

..as the astronauts splashed down in the Pacific Ocean.

SS Neptune was on hand to pluck them out of the water.

The astronauts spent 26 harrowing days in space,...

..as hopes for their rescue slowly faded.

The day was saved by an unlikely hero,...

..Patrick Smash.

General Ed Sheppard had this to say.

Praise God! This is our finest hour.

Thank you, Alan. Thank you, Patrick.

Thank you, Thunderpants!

(TV) New Yorkers turned up in their thousands today,...

..for that most traditional of American celebrations.

A ticker-tape parade through Manhattan,...

..in honour of the biggest hero of them all...

..Patrick Smash!

Mr Smash said...

.. "It was the best day of my life,...

..ever. "

AllStars.: We're goin' all the way

Oh, no matter what they say

We won't give up

We won't give up

We're on our way...

He was a breath of fresh air to this schooI.

Patso Smash? He taught me to respect others.

And to Iove myseIf.

We did it, Patrick.

We really did it, didn't we?

I don't see what aII the fuss is about.

AII he did was fart.

Uh, a teacher?

Yes, um...

I prefer to think of him as...

..the son I never had.

Here's some more books, Father.

What A Note, my new book.

I'm signing copies here in this bookshop.

A really talented young man,...

..whose gift we recognised early on.

We Iove you, Patrick Smash! Hooray!

He always spoilt everything and he ends up a hero.

Well, big deal!

I hated him then and I hate him now.

That enough?

AII right. That's enough.

Stop it!

The future Iies within our hands

Now it's time to make a stand

Put heart and souI

In what we beIieve in

Yeah

It doesn't matter

Who you are

Keep Iookin' for

The brightest star

Don't Iook back

Just keep achieving

Yeah

Everlasting, now we're on our own

Never-ending fight to take controI

We're goin' all the way

Oh, no matter what they say

We won't give up

We won't give in

We're on our way

We're goin' all the way

Yeah

Got to make

A master plan

Show the worId

Every woman and man

Workin' night and day

To make it better

Yeah, yeah

Use your head

And use your heart

Know your mind

Right from the start

Play to win

The only thing that matters

Everlasting, now we're on our own

The never-ending fight to take controI

We're goin' all the way

No, no matter what they say

We won't give up

We won't give in

We're on our way

We're goin' all the way

AII the way

No, no matter what you say

No matter what you say

We won't bow down

No turning back

The world is ours to take...