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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:10,700 --> 00:00:12,229 Gather around, people. 2 00:00:12,230 --> 00:00:14,585 Welcome to Brooklyn Hood's Legends Tour. 3 00:00:14,587 --> 00:00:16,212 I'm your guide, Tray Barker. 4 00:00:16,214 --> 00:00:18,729 I was born and raised on these Brooklyn streets, 5 00:00:18,731 --> 00:00:21,030 and I'm gonna transport you back into a time 6 00:00:21,031 --> 00:00:24,130 before boba tea and double-foam lattes. 7 00:00:24,131 --> 00:00:27,046 This spot right here, the police arrested 8 00:00:27,048 --> 00:00:31,870 the most infamous stickup kid in Brooklyn... Mezzo Mike. 9 00:00:31,871 --> 00:00:33,810 - He was the ladies' choice. - _ 10 00:00:33,811 --> 00:00:36,410 A stickup kid with a golden voice. 11 00:00:36,411 --> 00:00:40,137 ♪ Everybody, get on the motherfuckin' ground ♪ 12 00:00:40,139 --> 00:00:42,950 ♪ I'm so sorry I have to do this ♪ 13 00:00:42,951 --> 00:00:45,005 ♪ Run me yo' shit, nigga ♪ 14 00:00:45,007 --> 00:00:46,520 ♪ Run me yo' shit ♪ 15 00:00:46,521 --> 00:00:49,160 ♪ Bitch, you know what it is ♪ 16 00:00:49,161 --> 00:00:52,830 ♪ Run me yo' shit, nigga, run me yo' shit ♪ 17 00:00:52,831 --> 00:00:56,430 ♪ Bitch, you know what it is ♪ 18 00:00:56,431 --> 00:00:59,500 Who I got to rob around here to get a half-pound of roast beef? 19 00:00:59,501 --> 00:01:02,500 TRAY: Legend has it Mike could sing your pockets dry 20 00:01:02,501 --> 00:01:04,809 and your girl's panties wet. 21 00:01:04,811 --> 00:01:08,010 Sometimes at the same time. 22 00:01:08,011 --> 00:01:09,810 ♪ Ooh, I want your wallet ♪ 23 00:01:09,811 --> 00:01:14,350 ♪ I want your jewels and the keys to your car ♪ 24 00:01:14,351 --> 00:01:16,850 ♪ And don't you try to run from me ♪ 25 00:01:16,851 --> 00:01:20,559 ♪ 'Cause you won't get very fa-a-a-a-r ♪ 26 00:01:20,561 --> 00:01:21,860 [SIGHS] 27 00:01:21,861 --> 00:01:25,860 [VOCALIZING] 28 00:01:25,861 --> 00:01:29,030 Police finally caught up to him when, during a getaway, 29 00:01:29,031 --> 00:01:32,170 Mike couldn't resist one last shoobie-doobie-doo. 30 00:01:32,171 --> 00:01:35,139 MIKE: [MUFFLED] ♪ They're never gonna find me ♪ 31 00:01:35,141 --> 00:01:38,140 ♪ They're never gonna find me ♪ 32 00:01:38,141 --> 00:01:42,080 ♪ No, they're never gonna find me ♪ 33 00:01:42,081 --> 00:01:45,210 ♪ These motherfuckas found me ♪ 34 00:01:45,211 --> 00:01:46,980 TRAY: Even at his trial, 35 00:01:46,981 --> 00:01:49,889 he tried to serenade his way out of a conviction. 36 00:01:49,891 --> 00:01:54,090 ♪ Your Honor, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry ♪ 37 00:01:54,091 --> 00:01:58,275 ♪ And to the victims, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry ♪ 38 00:01:58,277 --> 00:02:03,830 ♪ And to my family, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry ♪ 39 00:02:03,831 --> 00:02:07,070 Are you done? 40 00:02:07,071 --> 00:02:09,240 How does the jury find the defendant? 41 00:02:09,241 --> 00:02:12,070 We find the defendant... 42 00:02:12,071 --> 00:02:15,740 - ♪ Ooh ♪ - ♪ Guilty as charged ♪ 43 00:02:15,741 --> 00:02:22,250 - What? - ♪ You gonna go to jail for 15 years ♪ 44 00:02:22,251 --> 00:02:23,350 [GAVEL BANGS] 45 00:02:23,351 --> 00:02:25,920 TRAY: Mike didn't let incarceration end his dream. 46 00:02:25,921 --> 00:02:27,790 For his latest prison performance, 47 00:02:27,791 --> 00:02:30,790 "Scam-ilton", he received a Tony. 48 00:02:30,791 --> 00:02:34,130 Hi. I'm Tony. 49 00:02:34,131 --> 00:02:35,830 Oh, shit. 50 00:02:35,831 --> 00:02:38,570 [THUNDER RUMBLES] 51 00:02:38,571 --> 00:02:41,780 [RAPPING] ♪ My friends on the team broke like me, too ♪ 52 00:02:41,782 --> 00:02:44,570 ♪ So you might get stumped, that's crazy glue ♪ 53 00:02:44,571 --> 00:02:47,042 ♪ They want bass when they come through ♪ 54 00:02:47,044 --> 00:02:48,645 Makin' me so sad, girl. 55 00:02:48,647 --> 00:02:50,309 ♪ 'Cause it takes two ♪ 56 00:02:50,311 --> 00:02:52,150 Oh. [SMOOCHES] 57 00:02:52,151 --> 00:02:53,450 Perfect. 58 00:02:53,451 --> 00:02:55,780 Hi! Sorry, hi. 59 00:02:55,781 --> 00:02:57,223 I'm sorry to bring the whole crew over. 60 00:02:57,225 --> 00:02:58,920 Uh, this one has a tendency to run off. 61 00:02:58,921 --> 00:03:01,314 Hey, I'm... I'm Paul from across the hall. 62 00:03:01,316 --> 00:03:02,960 Hey, Paul from across the hall. 63 00:03:02,961 --> 00:03:04,629 I'm Tray from around the way. 64 00:03:04,631 --> 00:03:07,799 Nostrand and Halsey, right up the block from the A Train. 65 00:03:07,801 --> 00:03:09,460 You do know you have a baby 66 00:03:09,461 --> 00:03:10,969 sticking out of your body, right? 67 00:03:10,971 --> 00:03:12,930 - [CHUCKLES] - You look like a marsupial. 68 00:03:12,931 --> 00:03:14,651 I learned that word in a law library. 69 00:03:14,653 --> 00:03:16,248 Oh, yeah, this is my... my son, Ace. 70 00:03:16,250 --> 00:03:17,840 We're doing attachment parenting. 71 00:03:17,841 --> 00:03:19,040 Oh, that is cool. 72 00:03:19,041 --> 00:03:21,110 - Hey, princess! - My name is Max. 73 00:03:21,111 --> 00:03:24,010 - Oh, Maxine? - No. Max. 74 00:03:24,011 --> 00:03:26,434 My wife and I don't believe in traditional gender roles. 75 00:03:26,436 --> 00:03:28,874 Uh, that's part of the reason why she's off pursuing her passion. 76 00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:31,320 - Right. - She's the C.E.O. of a Fortune 500 company. 77 00:03:31,321 --> 00:03:32,990 Good for her. I think that's great. 78 00:03:32,991 --> 00:03:35,402 And then I'm tasked with raising the next generation 79 00:03:35,404 --> 00:03:37,290 of empathetic men and empowered women. 80 00:03:37,291 --> 00:03:38,760 We're a partnership. [CHUCKLES] 81 00:03:38,761 --> 00:03:40,699 Oh, I know that's right. 82 00:03:40,701 --> 00:03:43,730 So you're the white Stedman. 83 00:03:43,731 --> 00:03:45,130 Wow, that's... [SIGHS] 84 00:03:45,131 --> 00:03:47,300 He's a... Oh, that means a lot to me. 85 00:03:47,301 --> 00:03:49,170 He's... He's a personal hero of mine. 86 00:03:49,171 --> 00:03:50,640 - [BUZZER] - Um... Oh, I'm so sorry. 87 00:03:50,641 --> 00:03:52,510 This my wife calling. 88 00:03:52,511 --> 00:03:54,010 Uh, go for Paul. 89 00:03:54,011 --> 00:03:56,380 Uh, yes, ma'am. 90 00:03:56,381 --> 00:03:57,480 I know it's 8:05. 91 00:03:57,481 --> 00:03:59,850 It's... We're just running a little bit behind. 92 00:03:59,851 --> 00:04:02,220 Yes, no, I'm... I'm talking to him now. 93 00:04:02,221 --> 00:04:04,989 Okay, bye-bye. I lo... 94 00:04:04,991 --> 00:04:08,015 Anyway, uh, so, we're running a little late 95 00:04:08,017 --> 00:04:09,869 for a naptime, but my wife was wondering 96 00:04:09,871 --> 00:04:11,163 if maybe you could turn down the music. 97 00:04:11,165 --> 00:04:13,277 - She can hear it on the nanny cam. - Yeah, I'm so sorry, sir. 98 00:04:13,279 --> 00:04:15,475 Say less. I got it. 99 00:04:15,477 --> 00:04:16,932 I'll take this outside. 100 00:04:16,934 --> 00:04:19,330 I was going outside to get some fresh air anyway. 101 00:04:19,331 --> 00:04:20,617 - Okay. - But I want you to know 102 00:04:20,619 --> 00:04:22,040 I'm the new handyman, okay? 103 00:04:22,041 --> 00:04:25,769 And if you and yours need anything fixed, you call me, 104 00:04:25,771 --> 00:04:28,640 and I'm gonna come quicker than Superman on Ex-Lax. 105 00:04:28,641 --> 00:04:29,833 That's fast. [LAUGHS] 106 00:04:29,835 --> 00:04:31,580 And you know that deliciousness you smelling? 107 00:04:31,581 --> 00:04:33,469 - Mmm. - That's for the housewarming tonight 108 00:04:33,471 --> 00:04:35,693 to meet my... all my new neighbors, you know? 109 00:04:35,695 --> 00:04:36,887 You are the first invite. 110 00:04:36,889 --> 00:04:39,193 You should ask your wife to come with you, you know? 111 00:04:39,195 --> 00:04:40,559 'Cause once y'all taste that, 112 00:04:40,561 --> 00:04:42,490 y'all gonna be an attachment couple. 113 00:04:42,491 --> 00:04:44,260 Y'all might even start making more babies. 114 00:04:44,261 --> 00:04:46,190 Okay. Well, we'll... we'll play it by ear. 115 00:04:46,191 --> 00:04:47,560 Okay. 116 00:04:47,561 --> 00:04:49,430 Take care, Princess. 117 00:04:49,431 --> 00:04:50,630 My name's Max. 118 00:04:50,631 --> 00:04:52,130 Oh, okay. 119 00:04:52,131 --> 00:04:53,870 Alexa, check today's traffic. 120 00:04:53,871 --> 00:04:57,040 ALEXA: Right now, traffic on your commute looks good. 121 00:04:57,041 --> 00:04:59,237 The fastest route takes about 40 minutes 122 00:04:59,239 --> 00:05:01,740 via Atlantic Avenue and 6th Avenue. 123 00:05:01,741 --> 00:05:03,110 What's for breakfast? 124 00:05:03,111 --> 00:05:05,510 Oats. Where's your brother? 125 00:05:05,511 --> 00:05:07,080 Upstairs, trying to get cute. 126 00:05:07,081 --> 00:05:09,220 He's changed his outfit like five times. 127 00:05:09,221 --> 00:05:10,675 Too bad he can't change his face. 128 00:05:10,677 --> 00:05:13,050 Uh, careful. I helped make that face. 129 00:05:13,051 --> 00:05:15,090 Shahzad! Get down here! 130 00:05:15,091 --> 00:05:17,029 Don't make me have to come up there an get you! 131 00:05:17,031 --> 00:05:18,229 With your ugly face. 132 00:05:18,231 --> 00:05:20,461 I... What did I say about that? 133 00:05:23,301 --> 00:05:25,270 Oh! 134 00:05:25,271 --> 00:05:27,939 Who is she and what is her name? 135 00:05:27,941 --> 00:05:30,140 [CHUCKLES] Nobody. 136 00:05:30,141 --> 00:05:32,570 Her name is Symone, and she's in his science class. 137 00:05:32,571 --> 00:05:34,550 - [SCOFFS] - Oh, Symone! 138 00:05:34,552 --> 00:05:36,897 That is a cute name. Tell me all about her. 139 00:05:36,899 --> 00:05:38,687 There's really nothing to tell. 140 00:05:38,689 --> 00:05:40,071 She likes him and he likes her, 141 00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:41,953 but all they do is act weird around each other. 142 00:05:41,955 --> 00:05:44,029 [SIGHS] No, we don't! You don't know what you're talking about. 143 00:05:44,031 --> 00:05:47,920 It's okay. Getting to know someone can be awkward for anybody. 144 00:05:47,921 --> 00:05:50,594 [SIGHS] So, what do I talk to her about? 145 00:05:50,596 --> 00:05:51,887 Whatever you have in common. 146 00:05:51,889 --> 00:05:53,111 Movies, music. 147 00:05:53,113 --> 00:05:55,025 Dancing? Yeah, we both like dancing. 148 00:05:55,027 --> 00:05:57,004 Okay, well, show her some of your moves. 149 00:05:57,006 --> 00:05:59,958 You know what? You should have her come by the house after school. 150 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:01,269 - Really? - Yeah. 151 00:06:01,271 --> 00:06:03,570 - I'd love to meet her. - AMIRA: I think it's a great idea. 152 00:06:03,571 --> 00:06:05,270 And I'll be sure to bring popcorn. 153 00:06:05,271 --> 00:06:09,010 Just remember, okay, when it comes to the ladies, 154 00:06:09,011 --> 00:06:10,880 use the word "Queen". 155 00:06:10,881 --> 00:06:12,250 It's about respect. 156 00:06:12,251 --> 00:06:14,045 And if you want to give her a compliment, 157 00:06:14,047 --> 00:06:15,399 do that from the neck up. 158 00:06:15,401 --> 00:06:17,356 I don't want you out here objectifying women. 159 00:06:17,358 --> 00:06:20,381 And please don't use no lame-ass pickup lines like, 160 00:06:20,383 --> 00:06:22,960 [AS TRAY] "Oh, heaven must be missing an angel". 161 00:06:22,961 --> 00:06:25,190 [LAUGHS] Hey, that's Tray. 162 00:06:25,191 --> 00:06:26,530 Is that the one he used to get you? 163 00:06:26,531 --> 00:06:28,330 No. 164 00:06:28,331 --> 00:06:31,200 Okay, yes, but I was a different woman then. 165 00:06:31,201 --> 00:06:32,400 [BOTH LAUGH] 166 00:06:32,401 --> 00:06:33,539 Finish y'all breakfast. 167 00:06:33,541 --> 00:06:37,109 Yeah. You better tell your man to hold your hand tight. 168 00:06:37,111 --> 00:06:39,070 The big bad wolf is out there. 169 00:06:39,071 --> 00:06:41,540 [HOWLS] Ooh. 170 00:06:41,541 --> 00:06:42,780 Whoa. 171 00:06:42,781 --> 00:06:45,047 What if I told you heaven must be missing an angel? 172 00:06:45,049 --> 00:06:47,241 'Cause I'm looking at one standing right in front of me now. 173 00:06:47,243 --> 00:06:49,084 I would say you must be missing a chromosome 174 00:06:49,086 --> 00:06:50,774 if you think that tired-ass line is gonna work. 175 00:06:50,776 --> 00:06:51,850 But wait! 176 00:06:51,851 --> 00:06:54,124 You sassy, I'm sweet, so we go together 177 00:06:54,126 --> 00:06:55,860 like grape juice and dill pickles. 178 00:06:55,861 --> 00:06:57,932 How about a smile? 179 00:06:57,934 --> 00:06:59,816 I woke up at the ass-crack of dawn, 180 00:06:59,818 --> 00:07:01,199 got on a subway where I was sandwiched 181 00:07:01,201 --> 00:07:04,016 in between a human fart and a horny 15-year-old 182 00:07:04,018 --> 00:07:07,162 just so I can go to work where I'm paid 30% less than a man, 183 00:07:07,164 --> 00:07:09,040 and I had to stand on my feet for 10 hours a day, 184 00:07:09,041 --> 00:07:10,651 trying to dismantle the patriarchy, 185 00:07:10,653 --> 00:07:12,450 just so no woman has to answer the question, 186 00:07:12,452 --> 00:07:13,804 "Can I get a smile?" 187 00:07:13,806 --> 00:07:15,240 I'll take that as a "no". 188 00:07:15,241 --> 00:07:18,049 So at least let me get the door for you. 189 00:07:18,051 --> 00:07:19,965 I don't know what bunker you just crawled out of, 190 00:07:19,967 --> 00:07:21,080 but it's a new day. 191 00:07:21,081 --> 00:07:23,589 Women are capable of opening their own doors. 192 00:07:23,591 --> 00:07:24,743 Share the memo. 193 00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:27,889 You know there's an expiration date on that attitude. 194 00:07:27,891 --> 00:07:30,060 Damn, she Scary Spice. 195 00:07:30,061 --> 00:07:32,130 - Who you here for? - Paul Tilman. 196 00:07:32,131 --> 00:07:34,230 Oh, he upstairs putting his kids to sleep. 197 00:07:34,231 --> 00:07:37,030 - Yo, Paul! - What is it? 198 00:07:37,031 --> 00:07:38,400 You got a package down here! 199 00:07:38,401 --> 00:07:40,370 Okay, thanks. I'll buzz him up. 200 00:07:40,371 --> 00:07:42,070 - What?! - I'll buzz him up! 201 00:07:42,071 --> 00:07:44,570 - [BABY CRIES] - Oh, oh! 202 00:07:44,571 --> 00:07:47,410 You ain't gonna get no tip, man. You just woke his kids up. 203 00:07:47,411 --> 00:07:49,080 ♪♪ 204 00:07:49,081 --> 00:07:50,710 Oh, that's my joint. 205 00:07:50,711 --> 00:07:53,080 ♪ I never been tooken out ♪ 206 00:07:53,081 --> 00:07:55,320 Yeah, but my soul mate left me, 207 00:07:55,321 --> 00:07:57,769 and I've been trying to consciously uncouple, 208 00:07:57,771 --> 00:08:00,150 but my birth mother refuses to give me my birth time 209 00:08:00,151 --> 00:08:01,590 so I can't even do my natal chart. 210 00:08:01,591 --> 00:08:04,729 So you'll send someone to fix my sink today? 211 00:08:04,731 --> 00:08:07,006 Oh, thank you, Mr. Kelley. 212 00:08:07,008 --> 00:08:08,060 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 213 00:08:08,061 --> 00:08:11,169 Namaste. Okay. 214 00:08:11,171 --> 00:08:13,100 ♪ Enough to make or break and shake your... ♪ 215 00:08:13,101 --> 00:08:15,440 ♪ As I create rhymes good as a tastycake makes ♪ 216 00:08:15,441 --> 00:08:17,740 - [CELLPHONE RINGS] - ♪ Bring it on back, yeah ♪ 217 00:08:17,741 --> 00:08:20,640 ♪ Shame on you, when you step through to ♪ 218 00:08:20,641 --> 00:08:21,980 Hey, Mr. Kelley. 219 00:08:21,981 --> 00:08:25,010 Huh? A clogged drain in apartment 2A? 220 00:08:25,011 --> 00:08:26,919 Yes, sir, okay. 221 00:08:26,921 --> 00:08:29,820 One. 222 00:08:29,821 --> 00:08:32,550 ♪ Shame on you, when you step through to ♪ 223 00:08:32,551 --> 00:08:36,190 This door. Looks like this isn't working very well. 224 00:08:36,191 --> 00:08:38,290 ♪ Shame on you, when you step through to ♪ 225 00:08:38,291 --> 00:08:39,930 [KEYS JINGLE, DOOR CLOSES] 226 00:08:39,931 --> 00:08:42,160 ♪ Shame on you, when you step through to ♪ 227 00:08:42,161 --> 00:08:43,769 ♪ The Ol' Dirty Bastard ♪ 228 00:08:43,771 --> 00:08:46,970 ♪ In your face like a can of mace, baby ♪ 229 00:08:46,971 --> 00:08:48,200 ♪ Is it burning? Well... ♪ 230 00:08:48,201 --> 00:08:50,140 [SCREAMING] 231 00:08:50,141 --> 00:08:51,440 [GRUNTS] 232 00:08:51,441 --> 00:08:53,587 My body is mine! It belongs to me! 233 00:08:53,589 --> 00:08:56,199 Can we please keep it down? What is going on? 234 00:08:56,201 --> 00:08:58,610 He followed me inside when I was waiting for the handyman. 235 00:08:58,611 --> 00:09:00,880 - [GROANS] - He is the handyman. 236 00:09:00,881 --> 00:09:03,181 - [SCREAMS] - Oh. 237 00:09:05,369 --> 00:09:07,302 - Hey, babe. - Hey. 238 00:09:07,304 --> 00:09:10,629 - Snacks, thank you. - Ah, that's for Shahzad and Symone. 239 00:09:10,631 --> 00:09:13,631 - Oh, wow, you are so excited. - Of course I am. 240 00:09:13,633 --> 00:09:14,686 - Aren't you? - Yeah. 241 00:09:14,688 --> 00:09:15,960 Yeah, I can't wait to meet the girl 242 00:09:15,961 --> 00:09:18,430 - who inspired him to cut his fingernails. - [CHUCKLES] 243 00:09:18,431 --> 00:09:20,800 I just hope she ain't no ghetto, twerkin' hoochie. 244 00:09:20,801 --> 00:09:22,000 [DOORBELL RINGS] 245 00:09:22,001 --> 00:09:23,740 I'll get it. 246 00:09:23,741 --> 00:09:25,170 Here we go. 247 00:09:25,171 --> 00:09:26,979 [DOOR OPENS] 248 00:09:26,981 --> 00:09:30,841 - [DOOR CLOSES] - Mom, Dad, this is my queen. 249 00:09:32,181 --> 00:09:33,819 Hi. [CHUCKLES] 250 00:09:33,821 --> 00:09:37,520 ♪♪ 251 00:09:37,521 --> 00:09:40,351 Oh, this is gonna be good. 252 00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:45,134 TRAY: What kind of military-grade pepper spray is this? 253 00:09:45,136 --> 00:09:47,428 Oh, you could crush a citizen uprising. 254 00:09:47,430 --> 00:09:49,919 Y'all need to send this to Hong Kong right now! 255 00:09:49,921 --> 00:09:52,873 Uh, Tray, you'll actually be happy to know that 256 00:09:52,875 --> 00:09:54,420 that is not real pepper spray. 257 00:09:54,421 --> 00:09:57,020 That is a product I'm reviewing for Goop. 258 00:09:57,021 --> 00:10:00,004 - Ooh! - Yeah, the new, um, Yoni tea mist with, uh, 259 00:10:00,006 --> 00:10:01,560 lemon grass and tea tree oil. 260 00:10:01,561 --> 00:10:03,590 Actually, while I have you, 261 00:10:03,591 --> 00:10:05,299 did you find the scent awakening? 262 00:10:05,301 --> 00:10:06,930 Ugh, I find it burning! 263 00:10:06,931 --> 00:10:08,130 Good to know. 264 00:10:08,131 --> 00:10:09,469 Well, that's alkaline water, 265 00:10:09,471 --> 00:10:10,900 so it should neutralize the sting a bit. 266 00:10:10,901 --> 00:10:14,470 Oh, okay, I'm feeling better. 267 00:10:14,471 --> 00:10:16,444 You might want to put these back in the freezer. 268 00:10:16,446 --> 00:10:18,840 Um, no, they're all yours. 269 00:10:18,841 --> 00:10:20,140 Okay. 270 00:10:20,141 --> 00:10:22,649 Oh, what am I supposed to fix now? 271 00:10:22,651 --> 00:10:24,680 The sink. It's been clogged for days. 272 00:10:24,681 --> 00:10:27,194 Okay. This'll be a cinch. 273 00:10:27,196 --> 00:10:29,049 What I'm gonna need is a jug of lemonade, 274 00:10:29,051 --> 00:10:30,931 some baking soda, and a box of perm. 275 00:10:30,933 --> 00:10:32,968 Well, uh, I've got some lemonade. 276 00:10:32,970 --> 00:10:34,870 And I have baking soda. 277 00:10:38,831 --> 00:10:41,401 Why would you assume I have a box of perm? 278 00:10:47,371 --> 00:10:49,741 My grandma sends me one every month. 279 00:10:54,518 --> 00:10:56,400 Okay, all done. 280 00:10:56,402 --> 00:10:58,125 Thank you so much! 281 00:10:58,127 --> 00:10:59,599 Do you want anything to drink? 282 00:10:59,601 --> 00:11:01,189 Do you want a green tea, a bone broth? 283 00:11:01,191 --> 00:11:02,689 Ooh, I have Kombucha. 284 00:11:02,691 --> 00:11:05,459 Oh, no, thank you. I got a little rule. 285 00:11:05,461 --> 00:11:07,990 If I can't pronounce it, I don't drink it. 286 00:11:07,991 --> 00:11:09,290 That's why you never see me drinking 287 00:11:09,291 --> 00:11:10,649 that Pigio Grigio stuff. 288 00:11:10,651 --> 00:11:12,043 - [CHUCKLES] Okay. - But this here... 289 00:11:12,045 --> 00:11:13,660 I'm having a little housewarming tonight, 290 00:11:13,661 --> 00:11:15,700 and I'd like to invite you ladies. 291 00:11:15,701 --> 00:11:18,500 Ladies, my Mercedes. 292 00:11:18,502 --> 00:11:20,700 - Maybe. - Alright, man, okay. 293 00:11:20,701 --> 00:11:22,063 Hey, Paul is coming. 294 00:11:22,065 --> 00:11:23,547 Oh, I'm playing it by ear. 295 00:11:23,549 --> 00:11:25,563 - I'm playing it by ear. - Okay. 296 00:11:25,565 --> 00:11:27,144 Alright. Bye, Tray. 297 00:11:27,146 --> 00:11:29,624 I'd rather spray that Yoni mist in my Yoni. 298 00:11:29,626 --> 00:11:31,148 Have you guys seen my phone? 299 00:11:31,150 --> 00:11:32,602 No. You sure you brought it inside? 300 00:11:32,604 --> 00:11:33,650 Yeah, I'm sure. 301 00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:36,720 - I'll just call it. - Yeah, wait, no. It's on silent. 302 00:11:36,721 --> 00:11:38,420 Okay, well, where did you have it last? 303 00:11:38,421 --> 00:11:40,425 Uh, okay, I came in the door, 304 00:11:40,427 --> 00:11:41,775 I put my bags down over there, 305 00:11:41,777 --> 00:11:45,060 and then I put my phone down right next to... 306 00:11:45,061 --> 00:11:48,200 Tray. 307 00:11:48,201 --> 00:11:51,470 Do you guys think he maybe, like, accidentally stole it? 308 00:11:51,471 --> 00:11:53,170 - Oh. - Why? 309 00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:54,809 - Because he's black? - No. 310 00:11:54,811 --> 00:11:56,570 Uh, you're profiling again. 311 00:11:56,571 --> 00:11:58,018 Just because Tray's an ex-con 312 00:11:58,020 --> 00:11:59,241 does not mean he stole your phone. 313 00:11:59,243 --> 00:12:01,017 Wait, wait, Tray's an ex-con? 314 00:12:01,019 --> 00:12:02,232 How... How do you know that? 315 00:12:02,234 --> 00:12:03,610 Just a little routine background check. 316 00:12:03,611 --> 00:12:05,250 Oh, God, I got it, so now you're profiling. 317 00:12:05,251 --> 00:12:06,720 No, that's not what this is. 318 00:12:06,721 --> 00:12:08,455 I do a background check on everybody 319 00:12:08,457 --> 00:12:09,520 who moves in the building. 320 00:12:09,521 --> 00:12:11,341 And, Paul, you should probably tell your wife 321 00:12:11,343 --> 00:12:12,859 she needs to check on that speeding ticket. 322 00:12:12,861 --> 00:12:14,429 Oh, okay. Uh, I'll let her know. 323 00:12:14,431 --> 00:12:16,390 Actually, we should get going. Max, let's go. 324 00:12:16,391 --> 00:12:17,599 Max? Where's my daughter? 325 00:12:17,601 --> 00:12:19,161 I lost my daughter. Max? 326 00:12:19,163 --> 00:12:20,600 Okay, you don't have it that bad. 327 00:12:20,601 --> 00:12:21,900 Stick with Daddy! 328 00:12:21,901 --> 00:12:24,339 Your dad seems like a really nice guy. 329 00:12:24,341 --> 00:12:26,700 - SHAHZAD: Thank you. - Thanks so much for inviting me. 330 00:12:26,701 --> 00:12:28,809 I'm having a great time. 331 00:12:28,811 --> 00:12:31,140 ♪♪ 332 00:12:31,141 --> 00:12:33,317 Hey. What's the matter? 333 00:12:33,319 --> 00:12:34,510 You seem upset. 334 00:12:34,511 --> 00:12:37,080 I didn't think she was gonna show up white. 335 00:12:37,081 --> 00:12:38,619 Okay. 336 00:12:38,621 --> 00:12:40,068 Well, I hate to be the bearer 337 00:12:40,070 --> 00:12:42,102 of what is apparently bad news, 338 00:12:42,104 --> 00:12:43,820 but you're married to a white guy. 339 00:12:43,821 --> 00:12:47,790 I know, but this caught me off guard, you know? 340 00:12:47,791 --> 00:12:50,999 I was... I was expecting to see Moesha, 341 00:12:51,001 --> 00:12:52,830 not Marcia Brady. 342 00:12:52,831 --> 00:12:55,700 Mm-hmm. Yeah, I get it. 343 00:12:55,701 --> 00:12:58,670 Who is Marcia Brady? 344 00:12:58,671 --> 00:13:01,940 That's why I married you. 345 00:13:01,941 --> 00:13:04,640 We've built an Earthship this year. 346 00:13:04,641 --> 00:13:06,289 I'm really excited about it. 347 00:13:06,291 --> 00:13:07,980 That's cool. Who's your partner? 348 00:13:07,981 --> 00:13:10,480 - Melody Swanson. - Oh, lucky you. 349 00:13:10,481 --> 00:13:12,319 She's the prettiest girl in school. 350 00:13:12,321 --> 00:13:14,950 I mean, she's okay. 351 00:13:14,951 --> 00:13:20,288 But I think you're the prettiest girl in the school. 352 00:13:20,290 --> 00:13:22,152 - Really? - Yeah. 353 00:13:22,154 --> 00:13:25,830 I mean, you're beautiful. 354 00:13:25,831 --> 00:13:30,000 Your hair i-is so soft and silky. 355 00:13:30,001 --> 00:13:31,500 Your eyes... 356 00:13:31,501 --> 00:13:34,340 i-it's like a big, blue ocean. 357 00:13:34,341 --> 00:13:36,640 And your skin, wow. 358 00:13:36,641 --> 00:13:38,879 I-It's like porcelain. 359 00:13:38,881 --> 00:13:40,440 I got you guys snacks. 360 00:13:40,441 --> 00:13:41,949 Thank you, Mrs. Birkeland. 361 00:13:41,951 --> 00:13:43,950 Here, let me get that for you. 362 00:13:43,951 --> 00:13:44,951 Oh. 363 00:13:44,952 --> 00:13:47,050 At your service, my queen. 364 00:13:47,051 --> 00:13:48,489 You're so nice. 365 00:13:48,491 --> 00:13:50,450 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 366 00:13:50,451 --> 00:13:53,520 ♪♪ 367 00:13:53,521 --> 00:13:55,860 What's up? I'm Tray. 368 00:13:55,861 --> 00:13:58,299 I got a request to repair your toilet. 369 00:13:58,301 --> 00:14:00,160 [BRITISH ACCENT] Oh, yeah, you must be the handyman, right? 370 00:14:00,161 --> 00:14:03,030 Nope. I'm a black man who happened to be handy. 371 00:14:03,031 --> 00:14:05,138 - I didn't mean to offend you. - It's alright, man. 372 00:14:05,140 --> 00:14:07,870 I just got sprayed in the face by some skinny blonde chick. 373 00:14:07,871 --> 00:14:10,710 Ah, yeah, you met Luna. 374 00:14:10,711 --> 00:14:12,379 Yeah, she's a little high-strung, 375 00:14:12,381 --> 00:14:14,040 but totally harmless. 376 00:14:14,041 --> 00:14:16,380 And as beautiful as a butterfly. 377 00:14:16,381 --> 00:14:17,880 Y'all a couple? 378 00:14:17,881 --> 00:14:20,703 No, she reminds me of a reindeer 379 00:14:20,705 --> 00:14:22,720 I once met in Finland, you know? 380 00:14:22,721 --> 00:14:26,220 Wild, majestic. 381 00:14:26,221 --> 00:14:29,930 But as I coaxed the milk from her reindeer teat, 382 00:14:29,931 --> 00:14:33,230 I just thought, you know, "Too much work". 383 00:14:33,231 --> 00:14:34,769 Yeah, I know. 384 00:14:34,771 --> 00:14:37,014 Sometimes sucking reindeer titties could be... 385 00:14:37,016 --> 00:14:38,474 Hey, could I come in, man? 386 00:14:38,476 --> 00:14:40,500 Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, okay. 387 00:14:40,501 --> 00:14:42,540 [DOOR CLOSES] 388 00:14:42,541 --> 00:14:44,510 [TV CHATTER] 389 00:14:44,511 --> 00:14:47,210 Yo! This is tight! 390 00:14:47,211 --> 00:14:48,805 You got your own Dave & Buster's. 391 00:14:48,807 --> 00:14:50,450 Yeah. This is Miles. 392 00:14:50,451 --> 00:14:52,380 He sets it all up, so... 393 00:14:52,381 --> 00:14:55,120 What's up, Miles? 394 00:14:55,121 --> 00:14:57,450 Yeah, Miles isn't much for human interaction, so... 395 00:14:57,451 --> 00:14:58,890 The form is too limiting. 396 00:14:58,891 --> 00:15:00,929 I prefer to transfer my consciousness to the cloud. 397 00:15:00,931 --> 00:15:03,430 Well, he's a walking, talking Stephen Hawking. 398 00:15:03,431 --> 00:15:04,830 Let's get to this bathroom. 399 00:15:04,831 --> 00:15:06,661 Yeah. 400 00:15:08,971 --> 00:15:10,430 This is not the bathroom. 401 00:15:10,431 --> 00:15:12,940 No, no, that's my place. 402 00:15:12,941 --> 00:15:15,172 - Oh, you's locked up. - No, no. 403 00:15:15,174 --> 00:15:18,610 See, I've adopted a minimalist lifestyle. 404 00:15:18,611 --> 00:15:20,896 - That's what you call it? - Yeah, yeah. 405 00:15:20,898 --> 00:15:24,118 I just don't assign meaning to money or things, you know? 406 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:26,843 I just, uh, keep myself in peak condition, 407 00:15:26,845 --> 00:15:27,943 so I'm ready for adventure. 408 00:15:27,945 --> 00:15:30,898 You know, the elation, jumping out of an airplane. 409 00:15:30,900 --> 00:15:34,258 Or... Or the ecstasy of... of the conquest of reaching 410 00:15:34,260 --> 00:15:37,078 the very top of the snow peaks of Mount Kilimanjaro. 411 00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:39,630 Or... Or the thrill of swimming with the sharks 412 00:15:39,631 --> 00:15:40,860 in South Africa. 413 00:15:40,861 --> 00:15:42,130 You know, these... 414 00:15:42,131 --> 00:15:44,839 these are the things that I live for. 415 00:15:44,841 --> 00:15:47,000 You know what all those things have in common? 416 00:15:47,001 --> 00:15:48,470 - What? - White people. 417 00:15:48,471 --> 00:15:49,670 [MILES LAUGHS] 418 00:15:49,671 --> 00:15:52,440 I knew I was gonna get him. 419 00:15:52,441 --> 00:15:55,449 Mm, yep, yep, there it is, there it is, right there. 420 00:15:55,451 --> 00:15:56,550 I knew it. 421 00:15:56,551 --> 00:15:58,980 Yep, just like I thought. 422 00:15:58,981 --> 00:16:01,289 You got a crack, but it ain't leaking through yet. 423 00:16:01,291 --> 00:16:03,650 I'm going to run to the store and get some supplies. 424 00:16:03,651 --> 00:16:05,290 I'm gonna come back tomorrow morning 425 00:16:05,291 --> 00:16:06,990 - and patch it all up for you, alright? - Right, yeah. 426 00:16:06,991 --> 00:16:08,490 But if y'all are not doing nothing tonight, 427 00:16:08,491 --> 00:16:09,583 why don't you swing by? 428 00:16:09,585 --> 00:16:10,938 - I'm having a little get-together. - Yeah? 429 00:16:10,940 --> 00:16:13,051 Okay, yeah, I got this fine chick coming to. 430 00:16:13,053 --> 00:16:15,230 She got a glass leg with Kool-Aid in it. 431 00:16:15,231 --> 00:16:16,500 You might like that. 432 00:16:16,501 --> 00:16:18,339 What? 433 00:16:18,341 --> 00:16:21,109 [BOTH LAUGH] 434 00:16:21,111 --> 00:16:22,970 [SCOFFS] 435 00:16:22,971 --> 00:16:25,840 I can't believe he's acting like a servant for her. 436 00:16:25,841 --> 00:16:28,280 Uh, I think he's just trying to be a gentleman. 437 00:16:28,281 --> 00:16:30,713 You were the one that told him to treat her like a queen. 438 00:16:30,715 --> 00:16:32,544 That's when I thought it was a black queen. 439 00:16:32,546 --> 00:16:34,420 You are being really hypocritical right now. 440 00:16:34,422 --> 00:16:36,420 You just don't understand. 441 00:16:36,421 --> 00:16:38,859 I'm trying to get this dance down, but I just can't. 442 00:16:38,861 --> 00:16:40,360 Really? It's easy. 443 00:16:40,361 --> 00:16:42,160 I'll show you. Look. 444 00:16:42,161 --> 00:16:44,699 It's like an angry pirate processor. 445 00:16:44,701 --> 00:16:46,530 Here's how you do it. 446 00:16:46,531 --> 00:16:49,600 [BOTH LAUGH] 447 00:16:49,601 --> 00:16:52,300 You got it. 448 00:16:52,301 --> 00:16:53,540 Keep going. 449 00:16:53,541 --> 00:16:57,170 You were the one that told him to show her those moves. 450 00:16:57,171 --> 00:16:59,379 I know what I said! I was there when I said it. 451 00:16:59,381 --> 00:17:01,211 Give me this. 452 00:17:03,579 --> 00:17:06,131 Sorry to barge in on you guys. 453 00:17:06,133 --> 00:17:07,985 So, we noticed that Tray just left your apartment, 454 00:17:07,987 --> 00:17:09,330 and we were wondering. 455 00:17:09,332 --> 00:17:11,500 Did you notice anything missing? 456 00:17:11,501 --> 00:17:13,800 No. Why? 457 00:17:13,801 --> 00:17:15,300 Okay, so, something happened 458 00:17:15,301 --> 00:17:18,040 that's gonna make me sound racist. [CHUCKLES] 459 00:17:18,041 --> 00:17:20,840 But I mean, you of all people know I'm not racist. 460 00:17:20,841 --> 00:17:22,476 I mean, come on, I have a picture of Colin Kaepernick 461 00:17:22,478 --> 00:17:23,580 as my screensaver. 462 00:17:23,581 --> 00:17:25,068 - Luna. - What? 463 00:17:25,070 --> 00:17:26,103 What's your point? 464 00:17:26,105 --> 00:17:28,180 I think that Tray may have accidentally stolen my phone. 465 00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:29,680 Have you asked him if he has it? 466 00:17:29,681 --> 00:17:31,219 No, I can't ask him that. 467 00:17:31,221 --> 00:17:32,489 Then I would sound racist. 468 00:17:32,491 --> 00:17:34,350 MILES: Why not use the Find My iPhone app? 469 00:17:34,351 --> 00:17:36,690 We can find its location, make it ring. 470 00:17:36,691 --> 00:17:38,683 If it's on his person, we'll hear it. 471 00:17:38,685 --> 00:17:40,690 Ooh! That's a good idea. 472 00:17:40,691 --> 00:17:42,518 Okay, um, how can we do that? 473 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:44,173 We just need to get inside his apartment somehow. 474 00:17:44,175 --> 00:17:46,336 Well, he has that, uh, party tonight. We can all go. 475 00:17:46,338 --> 00:17:48,339 Yeah. I guess he can't kill all of us. 476 00:17:48,341 --> 00:17:51,000 Okay, Isis, you just got mad at me for that. 477 00:17:51,001 --> 00:17:53,170 What? Paul was thinking it, too. 478 00:17:53,171 --> 00:17:55,110 This guy was thinking the same thing. 479 00:17:55,111 --> 00:17:56,310 [CHUCKLES] 480 00:17:56,311 --> 00:17:57,510 [BABY COOS] 481 00:17:57,511 --> 00:18:00,049 SHAY: I'm embarrassed about the way I acted. 482 00:18:00,051 --> 00:18:02,850 Symone's a nice girl. 483 00:18:02,851 --> 00:18:04,603 It's just hard for me to understand why 484 00:18:04,605 --> 00:18:05,704 Shahzad wouldn't want 485 00:18:05,706 --> 00:18:08,719 to be with a girl that looks like his mother. 486 00:18:08,721 --> 00:18:12,738 Well, why don't you go ask him, you know? 487 00:18:12,740 --> 00:18:14,260 I'm sure he's still up. 488 00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:16,560 ♪♪ 489 00:18:16,561 --> 00:18:18,430 You know what? 490 00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:20,400 I will. 491 00:18:20,401 --> 00:18:22,400 Thanks. 492 00:18:22,401 --> 00:18:25,540 ♪♪ 493 00:18:25,541 --> 00:18:26,770 [BOTH LAUGHING] 494 00:18:26,771 --> 00:18:28,979 SHAHZAD: You find the best videos. 495 00:18:28,981 --> 00:18:30,280 I love hanging out with you. 496 00:18:30,281 --> 00:18:32,080 I love hanging out with you. 497 00:18:32,081 --> 00:18:34,096 [CHUCKLES] I got to go. 498 00:18:34,098 --> 00:18:37,120 I'll see you tomorrow at school. 499 00:18:37,121 --> 00:18:38,950 So... 500 00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:41,320 did you have fun today? 501 00:18:41,321 --> 00:18:42,590 Yeah, I did. 502 00:18:42,591 --> 00:18:43,790 Thank you, Ma. 503 00:18:43,791 --> 00:18:45,590 For everything. 504 00:18:45,591 --> 00:18:47,130 You're welcome. 505 00:18:47,131 --> 00:18:49,799 Um, let me ask you something. 506 00:18:49,801 --> 00:18:51,800 What do you see in Symone? 507 00:18:51,801 --> 00:18:54,070 Don't get me wrong. I like her. 508 00:18:54,071 --> 00:18:58,770 I'm just curious as to what you like about her. 509 00:18:58,771 --> 00:19:03,410 Well, she's not like other girls. 510 00:19:03,411 --> 00:19:06,280 She doesn't care about looking cute all the time. 511 00:19:06,281 --> 00:19:09,580 She knows she's pretty without makeup. 512 00:19:09,581 --> 00:19:10,950 [LAUGHS] She's funny. 513 00:19:10,951 --> 00:19:13,790 I can talk to her about a lot of things. 514 00:19:13,791 --> 00:19:15,459 She's smart. 515 00:19:15,461 --> 00:19:18,090 She's nice to everyone. 516 00:19:18,091 --> 00:19:22,199 But tough when she needs to be, too. 517 00:19:22,201 --> 00:19:26,430 Actually, Ma, she kind of reminds me of you. 518 00:19:26,431 --> 00:19:30,431 ♪♪ 519 00:19:32,941 --> 00:19:36,980 Son, that's why I like her, too. 520 00:19:36,981 --> 00:19:39,180 - Good night. - Good night. 521 00:19:39,181 --> 00:19:41,680 ♪♪ 522 00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:44,850 [CELLPHONE KEYBOARD CLICKING] 523 00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:47,476 You're bringing your baby to a housewarming party? 524 00:19:47,478 --> 00:19:50,050 Oh, uh, he missed his nap today, so he's gonna be up for a while. 525 00:19:50,052 --> 00:19:52,990 - Okay. - At least Laura and Max will get some sleep. 526 00:19:52,991 --> 00:19:54,660 - Okay. - Okay, I'm gonna turn on the alert. 527 00:19:54,661 --> 00:19:56,030 - Yeah. - Yes. 528 00:19:56,031 --> 00:19:58,000 [CELLPHONE PINGING] 529 00:19:58,001 --> 00:20:00,930 Hmm. It's saying it's right here. 530 00:20:00,931 --> 00:20:03,913 [PINGING CONTINUES] 531 00:20:03,915 --> 00:20:06,107 Oh, no, no, no. 532 00:20:06,109 --> 00:20:07,878 I didn't... I didn't take it. I swear. 533 00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:09,840 Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh. 534 00:20:09,841 --> 00:20:12,310 Oh, okay. 535 00:20:12,312 --> 00:20:13,895 Well, look at what Ace took. 536 00:20:13,897 --> 00:20:15,980 [GASPS] Ooh, ooh, ooh! Thief! 537 00:20:15,982 --> 00:20:17,108 - Thief! - I'm so sorry. 538 00:20:17,110 --> 00:20:18,534 Uh, he must've taken it off the counter. 539 00:20:18,536 --> 00:20:20,002 He's in a very grabby stage. 540 00:20:20,004 --> 00:20:22,174 You guys, we almost just made a huge mistake. 541 00:20:22,176 --> 00:20:23,968 The only mistake would've been getting stuck 542 00:20:23,970 --> 00:20:25,722 - at this stupid party. - [CHUCKLES] 543 00:20:25,724 --> 00:20:28,230 Yo, what's up? Y'all made it. 544 00:20:28,231 --> 00:20:29,860 Come on. 545 00:20:29,861 --> 00:20:31,361 ♪♪ 546 00:20:32,915 --> 00:20:35,339 - So primal. - I know it is. 547 00:20:35,341 --> 00:20:37,440 That's a beef patty between that girl's legs. 548 00:20:37,441 --> 00:20:40,340 She could make a Sprite can disappear with her mouth. 549 00:20:40,341 --> 00:20:41,879 It's on Google. Check it out. 550 00:20:41,881 --> 00:20:44,540 ♪♪ 551 00:20:44,541 --> 00:20:45,733 Hey, listen! 552 00:20:45,735 --> 00:20:48,009 I really appreciate y'all coming out like this. 553 00:20:48,011 --> 00:20:50,880 Okay, most of the time when you move into a new neighborhood, 554 00:20:50,881 --> 00:20:53,096 your neighbors are usually suspicious 555 00:20:53,098 --> 00:20:54,390 or very judgmental of you. 556 00:20:54,391 --> 00:20:55,520 But not y'all. 557 00:20:55,521 --> 00:20:57,820 You've been treating me good since I met you. 558 00:20:57,821 --> 00:20:59,647 That's friendship, and I need it, 559 00:20:59,649 --> 00:21:01,544 and I don't want to get too sentimental here, 560 00:21:01,546 --> 00:21:03,129 so that's why I'm gonna turn the music on. 561 00:21:03,131 --> 00:21:04,573 It's right over there. I got some music, y'all. 562 00:21:04,575 --> 00:21:05,600 Let's get down. 563 00:21:05,601 --> 00:21:07,204 I want to see somebody do the Funky Chicken. 564 00:21:07,206 --> 00:21:09,336 Somebody do it! 40964

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