All language subtitles for The Office S01E01 Downsize

Hi, I'm Ricky Gervais.

- With me, Stephen Merchant.
- Hello.

Creators, writers, directors,

star of The Office.

- lf you're a fan of that show...
- Who isn't?

Yeah. Then you've got a treat coming up,

because it's the entire first series...

Well, if they're a fan, Rick,

then they will have already bought
the DVD and already seen the show.

Oh, no, no. Wait, let me finish.

The entire first series,
but with extra bits.

We've got interviews with people,
we've got...

It's a retrospective,
people talking about it. A-listers.

- Wow.
- Talking about why, um,

they think The Office is genius.

Not my words, I'm not...
I do think it's brilliant.

Do you know my favourite thing
in The Office?

Go on. You?

- Thought as much, yeah.
- Yeah.

When I first saw The Office,

I, you know,

I was struck by how original it was
on a bunch of different levels.

And I think upon first viewing,
I thought, "That's really great."

And then upon my 38th viewing,
realised how genius it was.

My first impression of The Office
was that it was a masterpiece,

and unfortunately, as time passed by,
nothing interfered with that glow.

It was so fresh and new
in terms of the style.

And for me, it reminded me of a style
of humour that, you know, I think

in Spinal Tap, Chris Guest
and those guys created.

I saw that show and I was like,
"This is incredible."

When I first saw The Office,

I thought, "Finally,
there's something funny

"being done in the world."

I think the thing
that I was most struck by

is how original a character
David Brent was.

Timothy.

- Hello.
- All right?

- Can I have a quick word?
- Sure.

In the old office? Walk this way.

(QUACKING)

Always start with a joke.

I have never seen a character
in a movie or in television

who is that obsessed
with what people think of him.

And I think a lot of the comedy
comes from that.

He's got way too much self-awareness

but way too little real self-awareness.

DAVID BADDIEL:
His self image is, "I'm the boss,

"but because I'm really funny
and I'm a really funny bloke,

"I'm also immensely popular.

"I can have a joke and a laugh
with the people who, you know,

"I'm supposed to have authority over.
And they love me for it."

And all that, obviously,
is always wrong.

- Wassup?
- Hey, wassup? I love that.

- Wassup?
- Oh.

Tim is the one that you hope you are
in The Office,

even though he's depressed

and thinks his life is being pissed away
in this place.

You love watching Brent,
but you don't want to be Brent.

You want to be Tim.

That didn't happen by accident.

It didn't happen
because of my overwhelming charisma.

Do you know what I mean? It happened
because they wanted Tim to be the,

you know, the kind of,
I suppose, the emotional focus,

or at least, they wanted him
to be the audience, yeah.

And he was, you know.

- Hey, dude.
- Give it back.

I'm just using it for a second.

It's got my name on it.

Apparently, they had
a completely different idea

when they were writing it
of the sort of person

that Gareth would be.

He was supposed to be a much, much...

Yeah, bigger,
more macho kind of guy and, uh...

And yeah, so I've heard
that when I came in and auditioned,

they changed their mind.

'Cause if you're genuinely
physically scared of somebody,

if it had been like Tim and Lee,

that kind of character,
then you just think,

"I think he's going to hit Tim.
He's going to beat him up." You know?

Whereas, it's kind of Tim and Gareth,

you think, "There's a man who thinks
he's Napoleon, but look at him."

That's the correct way.
Do you want to try that with me?

I'm fine.

Well, I'm supposed to witness you do it,
so I can tick the box.

Every single one of those characters
is so perfectly cast,

and in a sort of new, informal way.

Hello, Wernham Hogg.

And Dawn, just the perfect look,
the perfect pitch.

You know, not so fabulous

that of course
everyone will be in love with her,

but you slowly fell in love with her
while you watched her.

I've got kind of hot hands, sorry.

That's all right.
Just don't touch my head.

LUCY DAVIS: With Dawn, sometimes
I wanted to give her a bit of a shake.

You know, because she didn't pursue
the guy that she really did want to.

She didn't even get out of
a relationship

she really should've done.

You can say something...

And she had ambitions that she
never really even attempted to pursue.

It's you that's changing your mind,

- you always do.
- Fine, but what's wrong with that?

I think the camera is like
another character in The Office.

It's a whole other member of our show,

because it added so much depth, I think,

to what people said and did.

Obviously, one of the key aspects of the
show was the sort of documentary style

and that had sort of been born out of
how we'd originally got it made

and we'd shot something
in a little documentary style.

And we did that because it was
a very quick way of filming.

You can get a lot done quickly
in a documentary style.

You haven't got to worry about
the finesse.

And then, over time, we realised that

the whole sort of documentary boom
that was happening at the time,

the sort of docusoap,

things like Driving School and the
Airport programme were throwing up

these amazing characters
who suddenly were acting

in a very specific way because of
the fact they were being filmed.

I think the most extraordinary thing
about the documentary format,

obviously, was Ricky's performance
with the camera.

Good. Well done.

- Well done, again. Congratulations.
- Thank you, thank you.

Because he was giving his own editorial
version of how he thought he was doing,

so that you had his ghastly behaviour

and then on top of the fact
that he thought

that his ghastly behaviour
was absolutely excellent

and cool and interesting
and complicated.

Oh, hey! Finchy! (LAUGHS)

Finchy comes in,
a ball of horrendous energy,

you know, saying the crassest things,
and Tim is able to go...

"You getting this? This is what I have
every day of my life, "you know.

No, yeah, speak to yourself.

We wanted the look and the feel
of The Office to be

very oppressive and very drab
and ordinary and boring.

They had such a definite idea
of what it should be

and it took three years to get it

to the stage where they could
actually make it.

That's what made it a success,

that they knew
exactly what they were doing.

We didn't want anything sexy,

anything sexy or cool or rock and roll.

It was all anti that.

The opening titles, uh,
they just blew me away.

I remember the first time I saw it.

The things you're seeing are
so dull and grey,

but it's shot in this
incredibly cinematic way.

And slow pans and the low shot

looking up at that horrible building.

It makes it look epic,
and the music is very epic,

but what you're looking at
is unimaginably dull.

There's no doubt
about what this is about.

(CLICKING PEN RAPIDLY)

I don't give shitty jobs.

If a good man comes to me

and says, "Thank you, David,

"for the opportunity
and continued support

"in the work-related arena,

"but I've done that, I want to
better myself, I want to move on."

Then, I can make that dream
come true to, AKA, for you.

The point is you talk the talk,
but do not walk the walk,

vis-à-vis you've not yet passed
your forklift driver's test.

The man who gives the jobs
in the warehouse

is a personal friend of mine. All right?

I know you're the man for the job.
(SNIFFS)

Sammy, you old slag.

It's the Brentmeister general.

Have you advertised
the forklift driver's job?

No? Good. Don't bother.
I've got the man here. He's perfick.

Has he passed
his forklift driver's test?

He gives the tests.

Yeah, yeah.
He's first-aid trained, yeah.

Yeah. We'll get a CV
over to you this afternoon.

I'm seeing you Sunday, aren't I?
For my sins.

How is Elaine? She left you yet?

Yeah.

All right. See you then.

She has left him. I forgot about that.

(PHONE RINGS)

David Brent.

I've been in the business for 12 years.

Been at Wernham Hogg
as General Manager for eight of those.

So, putting together my team.

Lovely Dawn.

Dawn Tinsley. Receptionist. Huh?

- Been with us for ages, haven't you?
- Yeah.

I'd say, uh, at one time or another,

every bloke in the office has woken up
at the crack of Dawn! (LAUGHS)

What?

Can I have the mail, please?

Yeah.

Just a fax.

Oh.

- Dawn, this is from Head Office.
- I know.

How many times have I told you?

There's a special filing cabinet
for things from Head Office.

- You haven't told me...
- Called the wastepaper basket!

- Your face.
- Ah.

Can I get that back?

People say I'm the best boss.

They go, "Oh, we've never worked
in a place like this before.

"You're such a laugh.
You get the best out of us." And I go,

you know, "C'est la vie.
If that's true, excellent."

- Be, uh, be gentle with me today, Dawn.
- Yeah. Why is that?

Oh, God, I had a skinful last night.

I was out with Finchy, Chris Finch.
Had us on a pub crawl.

El vino did flow.

I was blar... tered.

Bladdered.

Blottoed.

Oh, don't ever come out
with me and Finchy.

- No, I won't.
- Oh.

You got to go for it.

There's guys my age and they look 50.

How old do you think I look?

- Thirty-si...
- Thirty, yeah. Yeah.

About that.
But I'm going to have to slow down.

Drinking a bit too much.

If every single night
of the week's too much.

(LAUGHS) And every lunchtime!

- How many have I had this week?
- What?

How many pints have I drunk this week,
if you're counting?

- I'm not counting.
- Aren't you?

Hmm, you seem to know a lot
about my drinking.

Does it offend you, huh?

You know, getting a little bit,
little bit personal.

Imagine if I started
doing that with you.

I could look at you and come out with
something really witty and biting like,

"You're a bit..." (WHISPERS INAUDIBLY)

But, I don't,
because I'm a professional.

And professionalism is...

And that is what I want, okay?
That's all.

That's a shame.

- Wassup?
- Don't do that!

Jesus! That wasn't funny before.

All right.
What is it, your time of the month?

Just the eight pints
for me last night, then.

That's all.

Uh!

Oh, no. Oh, God.

"Boss and team leader in drunken
night out shock horror," it says here.

It's not like I'm out again
tonight with Oggy.

That'll be a quiet night
in at the library. Not!

I don't think.

Uh, I'm a sales rep,
which means that my job

is to speak to clients on the phone

about, uh, quantity and type of paper,

and whether we can supply it with them,

and whether they can pay for it.

And I'm boring myself talking about it.
It's just...

Wassup?

Hey, wassup? I love that.

- Wassup?
- Oh.

You're fired, Keenan. Drunkard.
(LAUGHS)

Hypocrite warning.

Oh, God.

Oh, what's he been saying?

It's all true. Guilty as charged.

Oh, yeah, Went out with
a few of his mates, didn't we?

And, uh, he goes,
"Well, tag along if you want,

"but I must warn you, David, they do
get a bit rowdy after a few pints."

I went, "I'll see if I can stand it."
Right? I was worse than them by the end!

(LAUGHS)

They're going, "Who's that nutter?"
"That's my boss."

"We can't stand it any more, we're
going." They just left, didn't they?

I told you.

Oh, God. Absolutely mental. Oh!

Resolve! (LAUGHS)

What?

Nothing.

- See you later.
- See you later.

Take care.

Listen, would you mind giving
Maintenance a call?

There's a nasty smell in the lift.

DAVID: Head Office don't really
interfere with me at all.

Uh, Jennifer might come down
once a week.

Jennifer Taylor-Clark.
We call her Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Not to her face. Well, I mean,
not 'cause I'm scared of her.

I got them off Nobby Burton
who comes round with a suitcase.

"Two for a tenner."
"Yes, please, four."

- So...
- DAWN: Hmm.

Okay. Meeting with
Jennifer Taylor-Clarke present. Mmm.

- Right.
- Shoot.

Was there anything that you wanted
to add to the agenda?

Did no get an agenda.

- Sorry?
- Did not get an agenda, no.

- I did fax you one this morning.
- Don't think we got a fax, did we, Dawn?

Yeah, we may have.

Then why isn't it in my hand?

Because a company runs on efficiency
of communication.

You, um, put it in the bin
that was a special filing cabinet.

As a joke, yeah.

It's not even my joke,
it's my brother's joke.

It's meant to be with bills.
Doesn't really work with faxes.

- Do you want to have a look at mine?
- Yeah.

Yeah, sure, she'd say she's the boss,
yeah, but...

There should be no ego
when you're pulling together

to do something good. Yeah?

It's like Comic Relief.

Yeah? I'm out here in Africa,

and I'm seeing the flies
and the starvation.

And she, if she is the boss,

she's in the studio with, you know,
Jonathan Ross and Lenny Henry,

and they've got their suits on.
They're doing their bit,

they're counting the money.
Good luck to them.

But their hands are clean,
while I'm down here in the office

with little starving kids.

- Yeah.
- Right (CLEARS THROAT).

Since the last meeting,
Alan and the board have decided

that we can't justify
a Swindon branch and a Slough branch.

- Oh! Okay, go on.
- No, now listen, David. Don't panic.

DAVID: Should be good.
This is it. Go on.

- There are alarm bells.
- No, listen to me. No, don't panic.

- We haven't made any deci...
- Don't panic?

- We haven't made any decisions yet.
- Good.

I've spoken to Neil in Swindon.

- I've told him the same as you.
- Yeah.

And it's up to either you or him

to convince me that your branch
could incorporate the other.

- Okay. No problem.
- This does, however, mean

that there are going
to be redundancies.

Oh, you see?
Did I no want to hear that, Jenny,

because redundancies
are a tragedy, always.

I wouldn't wish that on Neil's men. I
certainly wouldn't wish it on my men...

Or women.

Present company excepted.
Is Neil concerned about redundancies?

Well, he is. Of course, yes.

Good. Because I'm
very concerned about redundancies.

Although I understand if they're
absolutely necessary, as a businessman.

- Does he understand? Go on.
- David.

- Can we not talk about redundancies?
- Well...

- What we have to decide...
- We have to, sooner or later.

Yes, but at the moment,
what we have to decide

is do you take on Swindon's people
at this branch or the other way round?

Yeah, we'll take on theirs.

- (LAUGHS) No.
- No?

- No. You and I don't decide.
- Decide?

- I decide.
- You do decide, but...

- Once you've made your case.
- Based on factors.

Okay. Is there a time limit on...

- (PHONE RINGS)
- Let it go onto answering machine.

DAVID: Hi, mate.
Not around at the moment,

so please leave a massage.

(BLEEP)

- All right, Dave, it's the Finch.
- Chris Finch. Bloody good rep.

- Hear you got a hangover, you big poof.
- Ah, that's derogatory. That's a shame.

You're in with that Jennifer
what's-her-face, today, aren't you?

- Give her one for me, son.
- Ah.

- Cheers, big ears.
- Awful. Awful man.

And stop looking up her skirt.

- David?
- I wasn't.

Can we keep a lid on this
for the time being?

I really don't want
to worry people unduly.

No. Under this regime, Jenny,
this will not leave the office.

So, what does redundancy actually mean?

So you'd just go, would you?

- Would you?
- Well, I don't know.

Keith and Jamie, they're having these...

- I know. They're all going mad.
...clandestine little chats,

- "Oh God, we're gonna be out of work."
- I actually don't give a monkey's.

- Do you?
- I couldn't give a shit.

This is Mr Brent.

- Guilty.
- All right, hi.

Ricky Howard from the temping agency.

- Verna sent me down to start today.
- Yeah.

Temporary...

Staff only.

- Ricky?
- Yeah.

"Ricky!" (LAUGHS)

"Ricky. No, Ricky!" What was his
girlfriend's name on EastEnders?

- Bianca.
- "Ricky! Leave it!"

Did she tell you I was mad?

Yeah, she said you had
a nervous breakdown.

I haven't had a nervous
breakdown, so...

- No. That was a joke.
- Yeah?

She said you were a really good laugh
and, you know...

- Wow. We all are, aren't we?
- Sorry, tried to...

Part of my job description,
though, innit?

Unofficially.

Okay. Let's get you started.

- Okay.
- Into the fray!

All right.

What upsets me about the job? Um...

Wasted talent, yeah?

People could come to me
and they could go,

"Excuse me, David, but you've been
in the business 12 years.

"Can you just spare us a moment
to tell us how to run a team,

"how to keep them task-orientated
as well as happy?"

But they don't.

That's the tragedy.

This is the, uh, Accounts Department.

All right?

The number bods.

Do not be fooled
by their job descriptions.

They are absolutely mad, all of them.

Especially that one. He's mental.

Not literally, obviously.
That wouldn't work.

Last place you'd want
someone like that is in Accounts.

- This is the recycling bin.
- Right.

Obviously we get through a lot of paper.

- Mmm-hmm.
- We make a lot!

- Actually, we sell it.
- Yeah.

- It doesn't grow on trees!
- (LAUGHS)

- You know...
- Yeah, it is pulp, yeah.

Here.

Mr Davis, can I just call you back?
Something's just come up.

Two minutes. Thanks very much. Bye.

What are you doing?

- What?
- Gareth, what are you doing?

I'm just pushing this stuff off my desk.
I can't concentrate.

- It wasn't on your desk.
- It was, it was all overlapping.

It's all coming over the edge here.

All right? One word, two syllables.
Demarcation. All right?

David Brent, I presume!

That's just to cheer these lot up.

Send them out to
get the plants, the girls,

it makes them a little bit happier.

'Cause they can sometimes
get a little bit...

Uh, it's run out of batteries.

Do you want to get some batteries
for Billy Bigmouth?

- Take it out of petty cash.
- All right.

Can't put a price on comedy. Uh...

You're a twat, Gareth.
You're a twat and a knob-end.

I'm still not listening,
so it's not offending me.

TIM: Right. Okay.
So you won't hear this.

(SINGSONG) You're a cock, you're a cock,
you're a cock.

You're a cock.

Here you are, look.

This is the sort of work we're doing.

Cartoons.

"Does my bum look big in these?"

It's not sexist.
That's the bloke saying it.

At last. So...

All for that.
All for that in the workplace.

Managed to scrape a first in the end.

You've met Tim, haven't you?

- How you doing?
- All right.

Oh, careful. Watch this one.
Gareth Keenan in the area!

- Ricky, the new temp.
- Introduce yourself.

Gareth Keenan,
Assistant Regional Manager.

Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Gareth's my right-hand man.

Immediately beneath me,
oh, as an actress said to a bishop!

No, he's not. I'm not.

Tell him about your car
and your kung fu and everything.

Yeah. I've got a TR3.

I bought it for 1,200, done it up,
now it's worth three grand.

- The profit on that's just under...
- New suspension. New engine.

- Just a wreck.
- I've got some photos.

Oh, what is that?

- Whoa, whoa.
- David. Right, that is it.

Slow down, you move too fast.
Solomon's here.

All part of the job. What's going on?

He put my stapler inside a jelly again.

That's the third time he's done it.
It wasn't even funny the first time.

Why has he done that?

I told him once that I don't like jelly.

I don't trust the way it moves.

You showed him a weakness, he pounced.
You should know about that.

Uh. What is in here?

It's my stapler.

Well, don't do that! Eat it out.

There's people starving in the world,
which I hate. So... And it's a waste.

How do you know it's yours?

'Cause it's got my name on it in Tippex.

Yeah. Don't eat it now, then. Chemicals.

Right. You can be my witness.
Give him an official warning.

- How do you know it was me?
- It's always you.

- Mad here.
- Can't you discipline him?

Ooh, kinky!

(LAUGHS)

No. The thing about practical jokes,

you've got to know when to stop
as well as start,

and now's the time to stop putting
Gareth's personal possessions in jelly.

Gareth, it's only a trifling matter.

(LAUGHS)

Here we go. We're always like this.

You should both put him in custard-y!

He's going to fit in here.
We're like Vic and Bob, aren't we?

And one extra one. Oh, God.

Yeah. I'm more worried really about
damage to company property, that's all.

Trifling.

I'm just trying to think of other
desserts to do.

Yeah, it's all right here,

but people do sometimes take
advantage because it's so relaxed.

I like to have a laugh
just as much as the next man,

but this is a place of work.

I was in the Territorial Army
for three years,

and you can't muck about there.

That's sort of one of the rules.

Hey, dude.

- Give it back.
- I'm just using it for a second.

It's got my name on it. Gareth.

- It says "Garet", actually, but...
- Ask if you want to borrow it.

You always say no, mate.
What's the point?

Perhaps that's why you should ask.

- Gareth, it was just there, okay?
- Yeah? That's its home. Leave it there.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

GARETH: Philip, get that off him!
Get that off him!

I'm going to let this go
unless you stop acting like a fool.

- Well, you won't so...
- Well, I have, so...

- What if that killed someone?
- Oh, killed...

Well, they'll think you're the murderer.
It's got your name on it.

Why would a murderer put his name
on a murder weapon?

To stop people borrowing it.

David.

I hate the fact you bring me down
to this. I really do.

- I resent it.
- I don't know why you're laughing.

Leave her out of it.

You carry on.
Listen, you bring me down to this, mate.

- Heya.
- Hello.

What's that?

Popcorn. Ben Elton.

- Funny?
- It's all right, yeah.

Had a bit of a scare earlier.

Did you?

I thought I found a lump.

I examine myself regularly but...
It's fine.

Terrifying.

Testicular cancer.

Cancer of them old testicles.

- What's that?
- It's a bit of Brie.

- What, from down there?
- Mmm.

See you later.

I've just got a complaint
from a very important client

saying that the figures
I gave him are wrong and...

Yeah. Well, basically,
I've checked all other possibilities

and it's come down to the calculator.

Well, I don't know. Circuitry?
Sorry, who is this I'm talking to?

Redundancies. Now, it is true or not?

- Okay.
- Last in, first out. First in, last out.

I don't know what source
your little bird is from...

All right. You give me a sum, then.

No. You give me a sum,
I'll try it out. All right?

Yeah?

Plus... (TAPPING CALCULATOR)

Fifty two... equals...

141.

All right. That time it was correct.

- There's nothing...
- Be straight with us.

I am. I'm going to be straight
with you now.

I can't tell you at the moment.

I don't like acting like a kid,
do you know what I mean?

But it's the effect that he has.

What are you doing?

I don't actually want to have to
look at you, Gareth.

- You can't do that.
- Why not?

- Health and Safety.
- Health and... (LAUGHS)

Why? Crushed by cardboard or what?

No. Number one, blocking out light.

Number two, misuse of company files.

Misuse of files? Right.

This is why the whole redundancy thing
doesn't bother me.

Because if I have to work with him
for another day,

I will slit my throat.

You won't do it like that, though.

You get the knife in
behind the windpipe,

pull it down like that.

Or I could just apply for another job.

Careful.

Okay. Um...

Thanks for coming in.
This'll take a minute.

Uh, right. I am aware of the rumours
that have been circulating,

and I just want to take this opportunity
to put the record straight.

I'm team leader! I should know first.

Yeah. I'm telling everyone now.

Just tell me very quickly.
Just whisper it to me.

- MAN: Can't you just tell us?
- (ALL CLAMOURING)

Yeah. All right.

- Shall I tell them?
- You don't know what it is.

All right. You tell them, then,
with my permission.

I don't need your permission.

Permission granted. Use it as you wish.

Head Office

have deemed it appropriate
to enforce an ultimatum upon me,

and Jennifer is talking of either

downsizing the Swindon branch
or this branch.

(ALL MUTTERING)

- And are you going to let her?
- No, Malcolm.

'Cause you didn't see me
in there with her.

For his eyes only!

I said, "If Head Office try and
come here and interfere,

"they've got me to contend with." Okay?

"You can go and fiddle
with Neil's people,

"but I'm the head of this family.

"You're not going to fiddle
with my children. I am, if anyone does."

Yeah, but David,
if they do downsize here...

What? You think I'd let that happen?

MALCOLM: It'd be out of your hands.

It won't be out of my hands, Malcolm,
and that's a promise.

MALCOLM: Can you promise that?

On his mother's grave.

Well, I have promised it.

Okay? And it insults me
that you have to ask.

- MALCOLM: It's just that...
- Sorry, Malcolm, Dawn wants to speak.

Go on, Dawn.

It was just that I was
in the meeting with Jennifer,

and she said that it could be
this branch that gets the chop.

(ALL MURMURING)

Well, if you were in the meeting
with Jennifer,

then maybe you should adhere
to the ongoing confidentiality agreement

of meeting.

Yeah. Information is power.

So you can't say for certain
whether it's going to be us or them.

This is my ship and I've asked you
to trust me, and you can't go wrong.

- MALCOLM: It's not a question of trust.
- It is a question of trust, Malcolm.

It is a question of trust.
Do you trust me?

- Do you trust me? Yes or no?
- Yes. I trust you.

He does.

- So, meeting a-journed. Okay.
- Good. Excellent.

I'd have said much the same. In fact...

Can I just ask? Do you trust me?

- Hands up if you trust me.
- You don't...

- Well, you asked them.
- Put your hand down.

No, I need to know.
I'm Assistant Regional Manager.

Assistant to the Regional Manager.
They're gone.

I'm not worried for me.
I'll be all right.

But if there does have to be a cull,
then so be it.

I mean, that's just natural selection.

In the wild,
some people wouldn't survive.

I mean, imagine a warehouse

where a little midget fella
is driving a forklift.

He can't see over the top.

He's got great big platform shoes on
so he can reach the pedals

because he's got little legs.

Anton's a lovely bloke,
don't get me wrong,

but should he be working here?

GARETH: Have you got a price
for matte-coated SRA1?

If I can't see you,
I can't hear you, Gareth.

- Just tell me, will you?
- No. I can't hear you.

I'm right here. Just tell me now.

If you want to speak to me,
give me a ring, okay?

(PHONE RINGS)

- It's on voicemail.
- Leave a message.

Hi. It's me, Gareth.
I need a price on matte-coated...

This is stupid!

Yeah, it is... This is stupid.

It's so... Sorry, mate,
what do you want?

Uh, I need a tonnage price
on matte-coated SRA1.

Because I've got 160 down here,
but I'm sure that isn't right,

because when I spoke
to Glynn earlier on, he...

Right. I know you're not there.

And obviously you can't hear that,
but I'm not talking to myself

because they're filming.

That feels nice, actually.

- Do that bit with your nails.
- Shh!

That's no different. You can't do
anything with your hair at all!

Oh, no, trouble. Sanj.

This is Sanj. This is Ricky.

- Hello, mate.
- Nice to see you.

This guy does the best
Ali G impersonation.

Aiiight! I can't. You do it.

- Go on.
- I don't.

- You're thinking of someone else.
- Oh! Sorry.

- No, it's not you, it's the other one.
- The other what?

- Um...
- Paki?

Ah.

That's racist.

No, I don't have a great many
ethnic employees, that's true,

but it's not company policy...

I haven't got a sign on the door
that says, "White people only."

I don't care
if you're black, brown, yellow...

Orientals make very good workers,
for example.

You like a drink at the end of a week?

Yep.

Well, this is why we're going out.
So we can have a...

- When are you going out?
...end of the week drink.

- When are you going out, then?
- Tonight, hopefully. I thought.

Uh, yeah.

- Hi, mate.
- Hi, sweetheart.

- You ready, yeah?
- Yeah.

Would you mind if I went out
for a drink with this lot?

No, no, no.
Come on, let's go home, yeah?

Okay. I'll be a couple of minutes
because it's 20 past five.

- You should come. It'll be a laugh.
- No. I'd love to. You're all right.

- Seriously. We got to get off.
- Okay.

(TIM EXHALES)

Um...

- What's in the bag?
- Just tell her I'll see her later, yeah?

Certainly will.
All right, mate. Take care.

- Dreaded first day.
- Yeah.

- You all right?
- Yeah. I'm all right, yeah.

You've seen the vibe. Yeah?

Chilled out. You know.

Oh, dear.

We work hard.

I mean, we play hard.

Play hard when we should be
working hard sometimes.

Partly down to me, sure.

Um...

I let them get away with murder

and in return they let me
get away with murder.

The girls love me.

Not in that way.

But, uh, you know...

I suppose I've created an atmosphere
where I'm a friend first

and a boss second.

Probably an entertainer third.

- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Hold on!

Practical jokes, yeah?

- Right. Okay.
- Right?

Practical joke. Don't give me away.

Come in.

DAVID: Ah!
And then Head Office said...

Yeah. So, that'll be...

- Fax for you.
- Thanks.

Don't go, Dawn. Can you pull up a chair?
I was going to call you in anyway.

I need a quick word.

- Um...
- Hiya.

As you are aware, there are going
to be redundancies.

And you've made my life easier

inasmuch as I'm going to have to
let you go first.

What? Why?

Why?

Stealing.

Thieving.

- Thieving?
- Yeah.

Um...

Uh, what am I meant to have stolen?

DAVID: Post-it notes.

Post-it notes?

What are they worth, about 12p?

- Oh. Got your Bible on you, Ricky?
- No.

"Thou shalt not steal unless
it's only worth 12p."

You steal a thousand Post-it notes
at 12p, you've made...

- a profit.
- Why would I steal Post-it notes?

To make the little things
in the end of joints...

- Roaches.
- Caught you, drug addict.

No, I'm just...

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

I can't...

God!

I've never stolen as much
as a paper clip and you're firing me.

And the good news is I don't need to
give you any severance pay

because it's gross misconduct.

So you can go straightaway.

(DAWN SOBBING)

Oh, now.

That was a joke there.

(DAWN SNIFFLING)

Good girl. It was a joke we were doing.

Well done. Settling in.

Practical jokes for the good.

"Thanks for these. Check them out."

Better do these now, actually.

You wanker.

Come on.

You're such a sad little man.

Am I?

Didn't know that.

DAVID: What is the single most
important thing for a company?

Is it the building?

Is it the stock?

Is it the turnover?

It's the people.
Investment in people. Yeah?

My proudest moment here wasn't
when I increased profit by 17%

or cut expenditure without losing
a single member of staff. No.

There was a young Greek guy,
first job in the country,

hardly spoke a word of English,

but he came to me and he went,

"Mr Brent, will you be
the godfather to my child?"

So...

Didn't happen in the end.
We had to let him go.

He was rubbish. He was rubbish.

Brent, we've all had a boss like you.

That's the thing that's frightening.

For me it was working at 7-Eleven,
the first job I ever had in Australia.

And if that person's watching now,
they're going to be horrified.

But that's the truth.
We've all had a boss like Brent.

And it's just so great to actually
sit back and laugh at it

rather than having to try
and get paid by that person.