Original subtitles

Urgh.

(Chuckles)

(Chuckles)

“Mozart and Mendelssohn were dead by 40.

"Why aren't you?"

How thoughtful.

You bitch!

- Did you call? - Look...

when I get a birthday card from my Wife, I expect a sentimental, loving, sickly verse,

not, "Another nail in your coffin, you old wreck."

Blow your candle out and eat your cake.

It's half-past eight in the morning!

Still...

Yes. Well, it is half-past eight, isn't it?

Hello, hello, hello!

What have you got there? Come on, you!

Hand over my present. Come on. Give it to me!

Agh! All right. I'll give it, I'll give it.

What have we here? It's a book.

You got it!

- There's more. Listen. - Not Vaughan Williams.

- Sophie Tucker. - Sophie...

I ..that life begins at 40

J“ That's when love and living start to become a gentle art

Funny old age, isn't it, 40?

- She was 78 when she made that. - Not Sophie Tucker, me.

It's one of those milestone ages, isn't it?

- Life begins at 40. - That's a fallacy, for a start

Did you know that after the age of 40, the body runs down?

Something like two million cells die per day and they're not replaced, not ever.

What pan of the body do these cells disappear from?

All over.

Eurgh!

I don't feel old. I don't feel any older than yesterday when I was 39.

- It's just that I'm doing a review. - Can I be in it?

I-E-W. Son of stocktaking.

I'm not getting bitter and twisted. I'm not saying, “I've had a rotten life.“

Do you realise that Rachmaninov composed his first piano concerto at the age of 19?

♪ Pom, pOm-Da-Pom

♪ Pom-pa-pom... - That's Grieg.

Is it'? Well, never mind. Grieg. It's just a feeling I've got.

- Is it me'? - See that'?

- Job, then. - Ah, not especially. A job is a job is a job.

It wouldn't make it any better if I was designing something useful.

I'd still be a grotty, little cog in a whacking great machine.

No, it's... I don't know. It's...

It's quality of life. That's what I'm after. lfl could just get it right.

What's "it"?

"It"?

Well, "it" is...

“it!

If I see it lying about I shall say, "Now, look here, it, my husband's had enough of you."

- I'm not being very specific, am I'? - Borderline.

Don't worry. I'm not going broody. I'm not doing an "if only".

No, I'll tackle it and get it right, as soon as I know what it is.

- (Car horn toots) - There's Jerry.

Here we go again.

Ta.

(Groans)

Commute! Commute! Commute! Commute!

- (As Daleks) Goodbye, darling. - Goodbye, darling.

- Have a nice day. - Have a nice day.

- Keep your bowels open. - Keep your bowels open.

- Kiss. - Kiss.

BOTH: Zzz!

- Morning. - I see the pills aren't having any effect.

- Car going yet? - No.

Get in.

You look like an advert for Gracious Living.

I am.

Tom Good riposted with his first bon mot of the day. Shut your gob.

Morning, Mr Leadbetter.

Morning, Charles.

Morning, Mr er...

I've really made an impact with you over the years, haven't I?

Well... I've got sciatica.

- Good. - Charming.

No, no, no. That's my name. Cor blimey, I've only been here eight years.

Morning, morning! Lovely morning!

- Good morning! ALL: (Half-heanedly) Good morning.

(Groans)

(Laughs evilly)

Here, Phil. Phil! Come on! Come on!

To you. Come on! Hey, come on!

(Laughs) Come on, come on.

Phew!

- Are you phewing at this, Brian? - I am, Mr Good. It really is something, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

It's a mould for a plastic hippopotamus that's going to end up in a packet of breakfast cereal.

You gotta hand it to the ideas men on the fifth floor.

Electric shock treatment, preferably. Ideas men?

They sit up there like the gargoyles on top of Notre Dame.

Every now and again, one puts on his jester's cap and says,

“Eureka! Hippopotamus!"

I'm sorry, Mr Good. I didn't mean to take any credit away from you.

Everybody knows it's you Who brings their ideas to life.

That is guilt by association.

Oh, come, you wouldn't want us to go back to the Dark Ages.

Breakfast cereals Without little plastic gifts?

It would still taste the same.

That's hardly the point, surely?

I'm talking about aesthetic values.

Your hippopotamus, for example.

My...'.7

Sit down, Brian.

Now, look, Why don't you try to get out more?

- Pardon? - Well...

Lusting after women, playing sport.

I played cricket on Sunday.

Fine! Great! Let's talk about cricket for a couple of hours.

(Phone rings)

Hello. Yes, Jerry.

- I'll be up. Sixth floor. - Get a move on.

- Cricket! - But that...

- Cricket. Who did you play for? - Well, just the office.

Office, fine. That's all I wanted to know.

- Which office? - Well, this office here.

We played Accounts.

I'm in this office.

- Nobody asked me. - We didn't need to. We got my dad to umpire.

I'm not talking about umpiring. I would have liked to play.

- Play? You? - Well, Why not me?

Well, you're... We didn't think you'd still feel up to it at er...

- At my age, do you mean? - Yes.

I might tell you

that Jack Hobbs scored more than half of his first-class centuries when he was past 40.

Who's Jack Hobbs?

You bloody little swine!

Listen, you lot! I am a run machine!

A run machine!

And I bowl!

Come in!

Oh, Tom. Good of you to pop up.

I just wondered if you could let me have a mock-up of your hippo for... Friday'.7

- I can manage it by Thursday, actually. - Better and better.

Listen...

You've seen me play cricket, haven't you?

- Erm... - Well, up at Flitwick, don't you remember?

- It was ten years ago. - But I played, though.

If I'm not very much mistaken, I made a few that day.

One.

Yes, yes. I got amongst the Wickets, though, didn't I?

No, you didn't bowl. You strained your back, getting your run.

I played, though, didn't I?

Yes.

Would you mind explaining to my office that I still play cricket?

- Do you? - Well, no, but I could if I was asked.

Still got the middle-aged blues, have you?

Why are they all so young? Why should I be lumbered with running a créche?

- Do you really want to know? - Yes.

All right.

Well, I want gas if I'm gonna have fillings.

We joined this company - What, eight years ago, wasn't it?

And do you know something? I was frightened of you then.

No, don't mess about.

I'll tell you Why.

You were a better draughtsman than I was and you had better qualifications than mine.

I was going to have to rely on pure cunning just to keep up with you.

Still, I needn't have bothered, need I? Cos look at us.

I'm up here and you're down there...

not getting picked for cricket teams.

- Why? - Because you use one tenth of your ability.

I have to use all mine and What I lack I make up with sheer, bloody crawling.

Oh, come on, Jerry, look.

I cannot see the world as a giant plastic toy. How can you seriously make it your life's work?

It isn't. It just brings in the goodies.

I see, I see. All right, all right.

So if I unleash all this dynamite I'm carrying around with me,

- I'd be up on the old sixth floor, too, would I? - Yes.

You might just as well because you're not going to walk into another job at your age, are you?

- I'll hit you with my crutch in a minute. - No, seriously, are you?

Listen, Birchinall at Glover's made me a very attractive offer only just recently.

Not all that recently. He's been dead for four years.

- Has he? - You see?

Your business mind is just like plastic before it goes into one of our moulds.

Formless. You just drift along.

“Isn't it all funny? Isn't it all ridiculous?"

Yes, you do. “Grown men getting ulcers over toy hippos."

- Well, it is funny, isn't it? - Yes, of course it's funny, but not out loud.

- Miss Button, it is funny, but not out loud. - Suit yourself.

Only, I'm warning you, Tom, unless you start to take this job seriously...

Damn it all, you're not Peter Pan.

Can you spare a minute, Jerry?

Yes, of course, sir.

I want to talk about our Wildlife preservation line.

- Well, I'll... - No, don't go, Tom.

I think perhaps Tom ought to sit in on this one, sir.

Why?

- Where's he from? - Fourth floor.

Oh, yes. Yes, I'm afraid I don't get down to the fourth floor as often as I'd like.

In fact, Tom is our top draughtsman, sir. He's working on the toy hippo at the moment.

Oh, really? Oh! How's it er...'.7

- Going? - Coming.

As you know, the problem with these advance designs

- is surface area to weight ratio. - Yes, quite.

In the case of the hippopotamus, I've stylised the head somewhat to obviate overhang.

- Have you? - So that at the mock-up stage...

Which I've laid on for Thursday, incidentally, sir.

Yes, Thursday.

I'm working on a principal of a 3 by 1.5 base, with a maximum height at the rump of 1 cm.

This gives us a box mass of 5 grams,

which is in line with the cereal manufacturer's packet specifications.

You know, there's a much better view from the fifth floor...

...Tom.

I'd like you to sit in on this one. Now, look here...

a bubble has just come off the top of the think tank

and I don't mind telling you that this is an absolute blockbuster of an idea.

It's going to put our Wildlife preservation series in the vanguard of world...

and I do mean world... mouldings.

- (Snorts) - Can you guess what it is?

No, you can't, can you?

Our next mould is going to be...

a giraffe!

- Are you all right? - Mm.

And, Tom, I'm thinking of putting this giraffe...

on your plate.

(Shorts)

(Laughs)

I Classical

(Giggles)

What?

I was... I was just thinking of taking a spoonful of Cornflakes

and finding a hippopotamus in your mouth.

(Giggles)

It's Choke A Child Week, folks.

Wait till they get to the giraffe!

(Giggles)

You've should have heard sir. You'd think he'd invented penicillin. I couldn't help laughing.

Did he call you to his study and give you six of the best?

No, and Jerry told him I had recurrent malaria.

- Did he believe him? - I don't think so.

I saw him in the afternoon. He called me Mr Erm... again.

- Oh, I know I blew it. - Well, I should think so.

I mean, we do have certain standards to keep up.

Sanity, little things like that.

I'd run off with you, if you weren't married.

I even love your varicose veins.

I'll grow it in the shape of your initial.

Mind you, it's our future I'm blowing, you know.

In four years' time, Brian and all the Whiz kids will be up on the fifth floor. Where Will I be?

Doing a Mr Chips with a lot of infants.

Oh, I mean, the house is paid for, fine, but, well...

when was the last time you had a new coat?

Last week.

Oh.

Anyway, that's... that's... things.

I mean, we've never just wanted things.

We don't need things.

No, we're a spiritually advanced couple, aren't we?

Yes.

Anyway, you don't make enough for a lot of things.

No.

I'll tell you What's at the bottom of this. This “it" business you were on about this morning.

I had a think in the garden after you left.

You know, Why do you always go into the garden to think?

You're not having an affair with that gnome we haven't got, are you?

I don't know. I just think best in the garden, I suppose.

Well, did you come up with something?

- No. - Ta.

That's all right.

Hey! I was brilliant at algebra at school, wasn't I?

- I don't know. - I was!

- Bighead! - X, the unknown.

"It". In order to track “it" down, all you have to do is those things you do in algebra.

- What are they? - I can't remember.

We're both really firing on all cylinders today, aren't we?

No, wait a minute, wait a minute.

You erm... Oh, What's it called, now?

You put all your known factors down first.

Yes, that's it! That's it! Paper. Paper! Quickly, woman, paper.

Paper, paper, paper.

Ah, right. Ta, ta, ta. Now...

Known... factors.

- One: - I've put One:

- JJM Limited... stinks. - Right, get another job.

Two: Do not really want a job at all. That's a lot of good, isn't it?

- No, no, come on. - All right. Three:

Do not want to...

shuffle off mortal coil

Without... accomplishing something.

Four: Do not want to feel...

the same way at 41.

- Ah, now you're getting somewhere. - Right, now. JJM stinks.

We don't want... (Mutters)

You've heard of the "don't knows". I come across as one of the "don't want to's".

- Let's get positive. - All right, new page.

- File that. - Right.

Right. One:

I want...

I want..."it“.

- Shall we go to bed? - Yes.

Oh, no.

I'll be up in a minute.

All right. Happy birthday.

Big deal.

Oh!

(Clock chimes three times)

- Tom? - Mm?

I thought you were coming to bed. It's three o'clock.

Just a minute. Just a minute.

(Reads) Gobar gas.

Gobar is the Hindi for cow dung.

One cubic foot of gas may be generated from one pound of cow dung.

NB. Check this figure for animal droppings generally.

I haven't caught you in indulging in some private fetish, have I?

And I know Where I can lay my hands on a rotary cultivator.

I didn't get up at all. It's a dream.

Here. Here. Come here.

Sit down.

Have some flat champagne.

Why not?

Listen, you know that “it" business?

No more. I'm not strong enough.

No, no, no. I've defined What it is.

- It's breaking the circle. - What circle?

Going to work, to get money...

...to translate into things, which you use up,

which makes you go to work again etc, etc - the norm.

What we should be doing is working at the job of life itself.

This isn't some son of religious conversion, is it?

Yes. Now, you're going to ask me how to put this into practical terms.

How to put this into practical terms?

Right, here goes.

I quit work and we become as damned near self-sufficient as possible.

We've got bags of garden. We grow our own food.

We keep some animals, chickens, a pig.

We produce our own energy, recycle rubbish.

We design the things we need. I'll show you What being a draughtsman is all about. Now...

some things we can't make, right.

Some things we can't grow, right.

So we flog our surplus and buy stuff, and that's without good old Medieval barter.

It'll be damned hard work.

We won't have much in the way of mod cons,

but we might enjoy discovering What we can do Without.

We won't need the world to give us the yea or nay.

It'll be just us...

doing it for us.

What do you think? Eh?

What do you think?

- I need to think. - Garden?

- Yes. - Right.

Here you are. Left.

Right.

- Wait a minute. Coat. - Coat.

Right.

- A bit of cake? - No, thank you.

You want to sell up and buy a smallholding in the country to do this?

No, this isn't the full going back to nature bit. We love this house too much to get rid of it.

- Self-sufficiency in Surbiton? - Yes!

- I know it'll make the road look a bit unusual. - No, no. No, no.

I couldn't kill chickens.

Right. I'll chop their heads off with my Black

- As far as the pigs are concerned... - No, no. No, no.

What happens When we need new clothes?

I'll have made the loom by then.

- What, with the wool off the goat... - No, no.

Well?

Well?

Well?!

- You're on. - What?

We'll do it.

Now, look, have you thought about this?

What do you think I was doing? Taking my wellies for a walk?

No, but it'll have to be total commitment. All of our savings will go.

We've got to set ourselves up and hold out until our first harvest comes in,

providing it comes in at all.

You've got Colorado beetle, Wireworms, slugs, foul pest, that kind of thing.

There'll be a thousand problems.

How do you pasteurise milk? Well, how did you do that?

How do you help a pig in labour?

What if you ladder your last pair of tights? Say the goat runs under a bus!

Tom! There aren't a thousand problems! There are millions!

If we think about them all, we'll be 163 by the time we do anything.

Say it worked.

- Just say it worked. - Well?

We'll try and make it work!

(Giggling)

JERRY: How the hell do I know what it is?

WOMAN: Well, get out of bed and have a look!

JERRY: Probably just some drunks.

Jerry, would you please get out of bed and have a look?

JERRY: For God's sake. - Thank you.

TOM: I A ring-a-ring-a-roses, a pocketful of poses...

(Whooping and giggling)

What the devil do you think you're doing?

Oh, look, it's good old Jerry!

Hello, good old Jerry!

I said, What the devil do you think you're doing?

We are dancing in our goldfish pond!

Oh, don't be so damned silly.

- What is it? What's going on? - It's the Goods.

- They're dancing in their goldfish pond. - Ask them Why.

I hadn't thought of that.

Why?

(Both laughing)

Celebrating!

Your birthday was yesterday.

No! We're celebrating that we've found out how to beat "it“.

WOMAN: What's he saying?

If you're so damned interested, Margo, Why don't you get out of bed and have a look?

If you must behave like lunatics, kindly do so quietly.

Have a little consideration.

- Sorry, Jerry. - Sorry, Jerry.

(They sing softly)

Don't you ever say "damned“ to me in the future, Jerry, thank you very much.

JERRY: Oh, look at the state of this bed. - That's it, flop down.

- Margo, I did not flop. - I know a flop when I see one, Jerry.

Oh, look, if I can't sit on my own bed without starting an argument.

Well, I'd like to ask you one question. Who made this bed in the first place?

I did!

(Toots horn)

Morning, Jerry. What a lovely day!

It wasn't a very lovely night.

Oh, sorry about that.

I'm still big enough to offer you a lift. Unless your car's going.

Haven't got a car to get going.

Swapped it for that first thing this morning.

It's twenty to nine. It is first thing this morning.

Not for us sons of the soil. Market gardener, he was.

Phoned him up at 7:30. Swap was done by 8:00.

Well, you're going to look very silly, driving up Kingsway on that.

Driving up Kingsway, mate, is no longer a pan of my life.

Oh, my God. Sir sacked you for laughing.

Other way round. I sacked sir.

- Oh, God. What are you going to do? - Have you got five minutes?

- Yes? - I'll tell you.

In Surbiton?

- Sure you won't have that brandy? - You're mad, you know that.

You're... You're...

- I'm looking for a superlative. - Totally insane.

- Yes. - Rubbish.

Tom, the man said the goat Will be here by noon!

Lovely!

A goat?

This is sheer folly. It just won't work. You're... totally insane.

Jerry, we've never been saner in all our lives.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got three hundredweight of spuds to put in.

(Engine starts)