Original subtitles

(pensive music) (typewriter keys clacking)

(typewriter dings) (pensive music)

(waves crashing) (thunder rumbling)

Commander, do you still see it?

Yes, I see it.

It appears to be going down

and it looks like there are survivors.

But there was nothing a moment before.

I can't understand it.

The poor sailors.

Maybe we should fire a torpedo at them!

What, why?

I don't know.

Might be fun.

It would be idiotic.

They are in God's hands now.

Commander, set a course for the sinking craft.

In this weather?

But we risk going down ourselves.

Let's shoot a torpedo at them.

You will do as you're ordered, Commander,

if you want to stay on the Fuhrer's good side.

This is my ship.

I am the commander, not you.

We will rescue the survivors, Commander, at any cost.

But are we taking them prisoner?

Just pull them aboard.

They'll be so happy to be rescued,

they won't ask any questions.

(Braunschweiger sighs) (pensive music)

Bierficker, three degrees starboard.

Meine?

Meine, pull the clamp.

Yes, Commander?

Full power to the diesel engines, immediately.

Right away, Commander.

We do not know who they are.

They could be dangerous.

We should be armed.

On the contrary, Lieutenant.

Please set out the fine china

and prepare a tea service for them.

Maybe some of those lemon cookies from Berlin.

[Gluhwein] This is obvious sarcasm, Lieutenant.

Disregard those orders.

Valentiner, get the life vests and prepare the hatch.

Be alert for any sign of danger.

I want them alive, Commander.

Do you understand me?

Alive.

Yes.

Heil Hitler.

Heil Donitz.

It doesn't have the same ring does it?

You are right, heil Hitler was perfect.

So perfect.

But there's no going back in time, Commander.

No, I suppose we will get used to it.

Heil Donitz.

(Bierficker scoffs)

(pensive music)

(water splashing) (pensive music)

(rats squeaking) (pensive music)

(door creaks) (pensive music)

(water splashing) (pensive music)

(metal clanging) (pensive music)

(waves crashing)

[Captain McCloud] Time.

What is it exactly?

What did they always say?

"Half past a monkey's ass, a quarter 'til his balls?"

But what does it mean?

(gentle music) (seagulls squawking)

Good afternoon, Sir.

Is it though, Grady?

Sir?

I had a headache last night before bed

and took four Ambien instead of four aspirin my mistake.

Oh no.

Woke up between the bed

and the nightstand wearing Day Glow Lipstick.

Well, today's an entirely new day, Sir.

Hearing you might be running low,

I took the liberty of refilling

a little of your special blend.

I gotta quit this stuff someday.

[Grady] Don't be silly, Sir.

Don't all doctors now agree that smoking is good for you?

Bloodsuckers.

[Grady] Sir?

I've seen 'em, Grady.

Oh, that reminds me, Sir.

Your ex wife's attorney called again.

They only come out at night.

Scarlet lips and long white teeth glistening

in the moonlight.

Shall I have them speak with your attorney directly then?

They'll come for me eventually, Grady.

And when they do, I'm done for.

Maybe we should get you out of this sunlight, Sir.

What?

Oh.

Don't listen to me, Grady.

I'm just an old sailor thinking back on the good ol' days.

Life at sea is it, Sir?

Out there away from all this.

War is a terrific enterprise isn't it, Sir?

That it is.

I remember back at school we used to thrill

to the tales of the great warrior heroes.

Ulysses, Julius Caesar, King--

-You can go now, Grady. -Very good, Sir.

(seagulls squawking) (gentle music)

[Captain McCloud] We were talking about time.

Time enough for the beach, pineapple drinks,

butlers and apparently an army of lawyers led

by my ex-wife threatening to juice me like a Florida orange.

But in my book, if you haven't been cleaned out

by at least two ex-wives, you haven't made it yet.

And for all you doubting Thomas's out there wondering

how in the hell an ex-sailor can afford his own butler,

relax and just fucking enjoy the story.

They tell me it would make a hell of a movie someday,

but I'm not the Hollywood type.

I'm just a sailor.

So my literary agent will probably handle the film rights.

Anyway, this is my story.

We were pulled out of the water

and into a strange vessel.

Our own ship was swallowed up in a midnight squall

off the coast of Puerto Rico on what

was supposed to be a three hour tour.

That storm came outta nowhere, not forecast at all,

like some sort of cruel joke

the old man in the sky would make to pass the time.

But then again cruel joke is my middle name.

Actually, my middle is Stewart but I'm not

here to measure dicks about who's

been in more fucked up situations.

Point is, if you haven't been dumped into

the ocean in a storm at midnight,

you're not missing anything, believe me.

It sucks the big one.

(pensive music)

Where are we?

Well, how the fuck should I know?

Looks like an old ship.

Yeah, well, what else ya got?

(water gurgling)

(dramatic music)

An old German ship?

Yeah, you on a roll.

Hands off.

Oh, good.

For a minute there I was worried

we were rescued by the wrong sort of people.

This belong to you?

Thanks, Ribbonclerk.

I was aiming for that German kid.

That's why they don't let women play baseball.

Is that your shitty Irish half

or your shitty Japanese half saying that?

I don't know, what side do you think it is?

It's obvious, believe me.

[Ribbonclerk] What's the supposed to mean?

-Figure it out, genius. -Racist.

-Shit for brains. -Hey, hey, hey!

I hate to break up what y'all

got goin' on right now but does anybody know

where the hell we are?

What is all this stuff?

There must be at least a dozen passports.

They're all from the 30s and 40s.

Everything is totally vintage.

Strange haul for a pirate ship.

Man, has anybody seen Captain McCloud?

Maybe he was shot trying to stage a mutiny.

I wouldn't put it past him.

It's just the type of man he was.

He gave knew meaning to the word courage.

He gave new meaning to a lot of words

like captain and pleasure cruise.

And that makes me his first mate in charge.

Say what?

You're not a first mate, Ribbonclerk,

despite what your snazzy outfit is telling you

anymore than Roosevelt here is an entertainment director

and I'm a cruise ship hostess

and whatever Atticus was.

You was in charge of snacks.

There was a little more to it then that.

No, snacks.

-That's all you did. (hatch creaking)

Captain, you're alive!

[Scarlet] For a terrifying moment

we thought Ribbonclerk was in charge.

We thought maybe you got killed trying to save us.

Killed trying to save you?

Yeah, like some ex Marine shit or something.

Ex Marine?

I thought about whacking a few

of 'em when I was out there.

Sure, woulda been a cinch.

I know they wanted me to, hoping I'd slip up

and they'd get the jump on me and dip me back in the drink.

But I fooled 'em all right.

Yes, Siree.

I played it nice and safe.

Did everything they said to the letter

so I could make it back here knowing

how worried you all must be.

Captain, you're totally dry.

Huh, how 'bout that?

Just one of those things I guess.

Good old Captain McCloud.

(pensive music)

I got ya, Captain.

Oh, I'm just trying to get used to the thin air in here,

and the space.

Sure is a small space isn't it?

And mostly metal.

Small, metal and thin air.

The big three.

Are you all right?

You look like shit, man.

Those Germans come back here yet?

They are Germans, then?

Yeah, sure they are.

Didn't anyone get a looksee at the side of this oil can?

We're all now guests on the good ol' U-666.

U-666?

It ain't The Good Ship Lollipop, Roosevelt,

but that's not what worries me.

We are all adults here, Captain.

You can level with us.

True that.

Anybody notice something strange about this ship?

[Atticus] Are you talking about the Hitler picture?

Yeah, lots of old ships probably

have pictures of Hitler in 'em, right?

We are in the forward torpedo bay

of a fully operational Kriegsmarine,

World War II era, type seven class German submarine.

Damn, Captain.

How you know that?

I'm a sailor, Roosevelt, and I guess you could

say knowing these kinds of things goes with the territory.

And it's written right by the door.

(pensive music) (Captain McCloud coughing)

All of you, get in the line!

You're to be inspected!

You will now place your weapons on the floor, now!

Why were you floating in the ocean?

Where is your ship?

Which one of you is the captain?

And why is there a woman?

A black man?

(pensive music)

What are you?

And a Japanese looking American man?

(Bierficker speaking in foreign language)

And,

(Bierficker sniffing) (pensive music)

a woodsman?

A woodsman?

Son, I think I can answer all these questions.

I'm the captain and this is my crew.

(Bierficker laughs)

You are the captain of this ship?

Is this how the Americans dress for war?

War?

So, I guess what they say is true.

The Americans allow prostitutes on their ships.

Young man, did you just call me a prostitute?

Maybe as the shoe fits, (speaking in foreign language).

Just playing along here but like,

a high class prostitute for officers--

High class (chuckles).

Don't make me laugh.

(fist thuds)

(Bierficker thuds) (gun clattering)

No bullets.

In six months time I will be old enough

to use live ammunition.

I'm only 16!

Well, then in six months if I see you with a gun,

I'll get nervous.

All right, I'll go straighten this out.

Stay put and for Christ's sakes

don't touch anything near the torpedo bay.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

Okay, hot stuff, let's go see the head sardine.

(gentle music)

Good news, Master, we'll be arriving

in less than three days.

Yes, three days, then they will see something.

Then we will have the last laugh.

(Gluhwein laughs) (pensive music)

Sorry, it just felt right.

Goodnight.

(hatch clangs) (pensive music)

You know those Lugers are famous for jamming, right?

(lighter clicks)

Especially when they're loaded.

If you don't say anything about

what happened earlier I can get

you an extra potato for dinner.

You got it, spuds.

(pensive music)

I am the captain of this ship,

Commander Rudolph Braunschweiger.

Pleased to meet you, Rudy.

I'm Captain Gavin McCloud,

but most people call me Captain Gavin McCloud.

Your cigarette has an interesting aroma, Captain.

I could say the same thing about your boat.

If I didn't know any better,

I'd say it was Cannabis Sativa?

And if I didn't know any better,

I'd say your wearing women's cologne.

(pensive music)

(Braunschweiger sighs)

You don't seem very grateful

for having been pulled out of the ocean half dead.

Sorry if I don't seem grateful, Rudy,

but somehow I'm not myself

with a loaded gun sticking in my ribs.

Bierficker, take your position.

It is a shame that our two great nations

cannot rationally work out our differences.

After all, we both want the same things, yes?

And what might that be?

To live in a world without war.

To be free from the clutches of corrupt politicians

and that our children might never know suffering and want.

Great slogan, Rudy, but you might

have trouble fitting all that on the side of your boat.

Violence is our essential nature, Captain McCloud.

As a fellow Navy man surely you must agree.

Didn't you guys just try this 20 years ago?

Maybe this time there is hope.

Sure, hope, the thing with wings.

(pensive music)

What happened to your ship?

Unexpected storm off the coast of Puerto Rico.

Giant squall seemed to appear outta nowhere.

The boat capsized and that was it.

We have lost ships here as well.

You don't say.

Since when?

Since the beginning of the war.

Since the very beginning, huh?

Yes.

Well, since you Americans joined the party,

maybe four years now.

So, that makes it what?

1945?

Did you misplace what year it was along with your boat?

Okay.

So I'm in shock.

Can't a guy lose his ship, nearly drown in a raging storm

and be a little confused once in awhile?

(pensive music)

What sort of ship was it?

I assume some kind of subchaser or PT boat?

I gotta get up pretty early in the morning to fool you.

-So which was it? -Which was what?

What sort of ship was it?

I just told you.

Why are you playing games with me, Captain?

Speaking of games, what's yours?

Why did you bother to pick us up out there?

I wasn't aware the Germans took prisoners.

What else about our plans are you aware of, Captain?

Well, I couldn't help but notice

you've got an awfully small crew for such a big submarine.

Oh?

You don't actually expect me to believe

you're running this tin can with half a dozen men do you?

For a man in a shock, little seems to escape you.

And there's something else.

Somebody on this tin coffin just ripped ass.

(Valentiner sniffing)

Sure, a real nose reaper.

Why didn't you have the God damn decency

to leave the deck first?

I would like a word with you, alone.

It was probably that guy.

You can tell just by the look on his face.

We have dallied here long enough.

Come, there is coffee.

Sure, Rudy, sure.

Only, could you have The Red Baron there run

some water and some supplies back to my crew?

If he's not too busy, that is.

-Herr Bierficker? -Yeah, Commander?

Run some water to his crew.

[Bierficker] Heil Donitz!

Heil Donitz.

Heil donuts?

You are going to pretend you didn't know the Fuhrer,

Adolf Hitler died last night?

Sure, I knew.

Who didn't?

Yes, well, Donitz is now Commander in Chief.

Come, we have much to discuss.

(pensive music)

(propeller whirring)

-Captain, what's going on? -So, what happened?

-What did they want? -Are they really Germans?

[All] Yes!

What's that smell?

That's just a little crop dusting, sweetheart.

The sheer lasting power of that one was incredible.

Too complicated to explain.

I think I understand.

I cut one loose, a real nasty one

and then blamed it on them to see how they'd react.

So, what happened?

Nothing really but sometimes you gotta improvise, ya know?

To see how far into the woods you can go

before you get lost or run out of breadcrumbs.

So, Captain, what's the skinny?

I've got some good news and I've got some bad news.

Well, I think we could all use

a little good news around here, Captain.

Hitler's dead.

Is that the extent of the good news?

The long and the short of it is,

this boat is currently fighting

in the Battle of the Atlantic

for Nazi Germany against the U.S. and England.

Around May 1945 I believe.

The Commander wants our help

in surrendering this ship to the United States.

New York City Harbor to be exact.

He figures we can cruise in, raise the white flag

and make radio contact with America,

with he and his crew as our prisoners.

What was that about 1945?

That was the bad news?

The way I see it, somewhere back off

the coast of Puerto Rico,

either we went back into the past

or they went into the future.

But either way for the moment we're stuck here on this ship

wherever or whenever that is.

Captain?

Maybe we should take a little look at our crew.

Take inventory, test the strength of the chain.

Find weaknesses by any means necessary.

Eliminate the dead weight for the survival of the group.

I don't think we're quite at that stage just yet

but thank you, Scarlet, I think.

Look, everybody, I know this isn't the cruise you expected.

But I want you all to know one thing.

When I deputized you for this trip,

I made each and every one of you sort of

an officer in kind of a Navy,

and I meant every word I said or meant to say.

Why, when we set sail from Miami to Puerto Rico

I could inhale with ease knowing you all had a job to do.

Whether it was running the ship when

I was indisposed or asleep,

maintaining the highest standard of music and entertainment,

or even snacks.

I did more than snacks.

I don't suppose anybody's cellphone made it?

Oh, shit, I forgot.

-Oh, thank God! -I'm not getting

any service, though.

It says no bars.

Who's your carrier?

Try and see if you can get any reception on that thing,

but for Christ sake's, keep it hidden.

Germans have a real hard-on for technology.

So, wait, they think they're in the present,

but for us it's really the past?

Or we think we're in the past,

but it's really the present which is the past?

The Bermuda Triangle.

The what?

The Bermuda Triangle.

That's where we were when our ship sank.

That's gotta be it.

Oh, right, right after we saw the Loch Ness Monster.

This some bullshit.

I paid for a Caribbean cruise.

Bermuda Triangle, Hitler, time travel?

This happen on all your cruises?

Captain, isn't there some sort

of scientific way to discover where or when we are?

On the command deck there's a radio,

but my guess is they aren't using

it much to avoid radar detection.

In second life, I have a fully operational Model S Tesla,

which I 3D modeled myself.

Here's the thing, though.

It's not only gasoline powered instead

of the lame-o stock electric power,

but it's a vehicle that is itself a time machine,

thanks to a new energy storage device

that harnesses the power of real lightening.

I just thought I'd throw that out there.

Sounds familiar.

[Ribbonclerk] If we're in the past then

how do we get back to the present?

I don't know.

If we're in the present and they're in the future,

how do we return them to the past?

I don't know.

-If I die-- -Would you please shut up?

If you're all looking for a lot

of phony assurances that everything's gonna be okay,

that I've got all the answers

and that Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny are real,

then yeah, everything's gonna be fine.

You thinkin' way too hard about this, Captain.

Time travel, that's just as real

as Snacks here's second life Tesla.

Exactly and I don't think I feel

like helping out a buncha Nazis, even if it is 1945.

So they just need our help surrendering

the ship in New York Harbor?

That's all?

That's what they said.

But how do we know they're not setting

us up for some kinda double cross.

We don't have a choice.

It's join up with these nutty cherries or us.

Captain, there's something else.

While you were out, I found this.

(dramatic music)

It's locked.

What is it?

Anybody here speak Squarehead?

Squarehead?

It's a derisive term for Germans

you hear in old films when they're portrayed as the enemy.

I'm tryin' to get in the mood.

Well, that first word is obviously vampire.

And the last word is kit.

What would these kooky Jerry's have a vampire kit for?

It must be some kinda joke.

What sort of joke?

I don't know, Krauts have a strange sense of humor.

Put that thing away.

Captain, what are we going to do?

We've gotta tell these filthy Huns something

they'll believe until we find out what's going on.

Right now they think we're military

and that may be our only chance of getting outta here,

and that's if and it's a big if,

we somehow make it back without getting deep-sixed

by the real U.S. Navy.

In what era, though?

Precisely.

Guys, I'm starting to freak out.

I really feel like I might be the expendable one here.

The play is to get together a cover story

for each of us and what kinda ship we were on.

Until we find out the truth,

ol' Fritzy is gonna think we're on his time.

Stick with your military cover.

The job's ya had on my ship.

I don't wanna be Snacks.

You want these creepy Heinies to throw

you back out in the sea?

Follow my lead and keep your head down.

And no more talk about the Bermuda Triangle,

time travel, vampires or second life,

whatever the fuck that is.

Snacks, keep that phone of yours outta sight.

It may be our only way out of this mess.

(pensive music)

(Captain McCloud snoring) (pensive music)

(engine chugging) (pensive music)

(bat squeaking) (pensive music)

(engine chugging) (pensive music)

(dramatic music)

(vampire laughs)

(big band music)

(Gluhwein yells) (big band music)

(waves crashing)

Long and the short of it is,

we have a new tradition in the ol' U.S. Navy.

Casual Fridays we call it.

That's why we're all dressed like this.

Kinda like Halloween, you might say.

I'm dressed as a tourist,

Roosevelt over here is a car thief,

Scarlet is of course a prostitute,

Ribbonclerk has on an excellent cruise boat costume

and Atticus as the young man discovered is a lumberjack.

We must look quite the screwy bunch (chuckles).

Atticus, kindly hand me the telephone you are concealing.

(pensive music)

If you are hiding the telephone somewhere

on your person, woodsman,

we will search and find it, I assure you.

That's it, that's the whole phone.

Lieutenant Valentiner?

Yeah, Lord Commander?

Take this spy camera to the engine room,

and have Meine tear it apart and remove the film.

Commander?

Yes, Captain McCloud?

Do you have something else to share with us?

For instance, have you been on

a pleasure cruise in the Bermuda Triangle lately?

You haven't traveled through time recently have you?

What lies do you have to tell me now?

Lies?

There's no such thing in the military as casual Fridays.

Besides, it is Wednesday.

I know that you must have known that we were listening

to your every word through the intercom.

-Of course I knew. -And so I believe

I know who you really are.

Okay, Rudy, let's hear it.

Who are we?

Your ship was indeed a military vessel,

disguised perhaps as a pleasure boat.

I have seen such things before.

You are all expert military personnel

who are each no doubt in position

of powerful hidden talents underneath

your ridiculous facades.

Each of you must have been chosen

for your intelligence and skill

and your dedication to the armed services.

-Impressive. -Hm?

Yeah, dead nuts.

At last, the pressure of holding

this inside has been excruciating.

I have a question.

Why do you have a picture of Hitler back there?

Admiral Donitz is now the head

of the Reich but that picture

is there for sentimental reasons.

You are all now prisoners on my ship

and there will be no escape.

And let me tell you

a little something else (speaking in foreign language),

-my gun is loaded. (gun cocks)

That sounds amazing.

So what do they call you?

Jesse Owens.

Hm.

You won't be able to run away

from this predicament, Mr. Owens.

Because he's an Olympic runner,

and that ability won't help him on a submarine.

Come on, I'm killing it right now.

Where are you from, Mr. Owens?

-Texas. -Hm.

Are there many of you in Texas?

What, black people?

No, Navy men.

Why are you Americans so obsessed with race?

What is your name?

Kai Ribbonclerk, First Mate.

Are you feeling unwell?

I've never felt better.

You are a long way from home.

A long way from Mount Fuji.

I'm from San Francisco.

Oh, is that what you told them?

You can tell me, you know?

Tell them.

Tell them your work for Hirohito.

I work at Google.

I thought we were supposed to be friends.

As your captain has no doubt informed you,

we are taking this ship to the New York Harbor,

and there we will surrender it to the American authorities.

You as Americans will be bringing in quite a prize.

Ever occur to you, Commander, that we may not

be interested in helping you?

Hm.

You are free to go back to where

you came from anytime you wish.

Shall I have the hatch opened?

That won't be necessary.

Aren't you going a little out of your way to surrender?

I'll not place my men in the hands

of the English if that's what you mean.

Is it because you bombed their country flat

and now they're mad at you?

(Braunschweiger chuckles)

I like this man.

He says what he thinks.

Oh, come on everybody, don't look so glum.

In three days we will be in New York.

After we surrender the ship you

will be given a hero's welcome,

you will be tripping the light fantastic

on top of the Empire State Building,

and remembering this time with a chuckle in your heart.

I feel really, really good about this, guys.

(pensive music)

[Captain McCloud] The Commander marched

my crew around the ship for what seemed like an eternity.

He assigned each of us to a German

so they'd learn the operations of the ship.

My crew had about as much knowledge

about how a ship works as I did

of the complete works of Rodgers and Hammerstein.

Actually, I'm pretty up on that stuff.

I dated a stage manager for way too long.

So, let's make it the price of tea in china.

But wait, fuck.

I actually do know that.

It's 341 Yuan.

It's sad, really, how all this brings me back home,

to the way things were before all this war business.

(Captain McCloud gasping) (gentle music)

Gavin, what are you doing?

I'm fine.

It's just, why aren't there any windows in this restaurant?

Gavin, are you gonna ask me to marry you?

What?

No!

Maybe, why?

A girl can just tell.

Tell what?

I can't believe they're allowed to build

a restaurant without any windows.

I mean, just take a look around you, Ellen.

There's not one window in this whole place.

And hello (speaking in foreign language).

My name is Andre and I am your waiter for tonight.

That is some storm we are having out there, no?

[Captain McCloud] There was no storm in the forecast.

(speaking in foreign language) I think you are mistaken.

There's definitely a storm out tonight.

-Listen. (thunder rumbling)

You don't think I know when there's a storm?

I think he just really needs some water is all.

Oh, forgive me, I am so sorry.

I'll get you some water right away.

Pour some nice water for (speaking in foreign language).

(Andre sniffs)

-Oh! (water splashing)

Oh, I'm sorry!

-I won't be long, Sir. (Gavin coughs)

-I am so sorry, I am so-- (Gavin coughs)

Okay, I'll help you.

Let me wipe it off.

I'll take it off right there, I am so sorry.

It'll come out.

Let me get you two the specials.

Tonight we have a very special treat for you.

It's called the Mariner's chicken.

It's a specialty of the chef

and how they make this is fascinating.

They take the chicken and they boil

it in oil and they bury it deep

and they stuff it into a small cast iron pan.

It's a small pan and they take the chicken

-and they cram -No.

the chicken in the pan.

They stick it in and the chicken has no hope of escape

and the meat falls off the bone.

They cram it, stuff it inside the cast iron pan--

Oh my God!

(Gavin gasping) (jazz music)

I've gotta get the hell outta here!

(jazz music)

I studied at the academy

for three weeks before this mission.

Oh wow, three weeks?

Did your parents have to sign a permission slip?

My parents are dead.

Oh, air raid?

Yeah.

But they were trying to take over the world you know?

[Bierficker] You're meant to be helping!

-What's this knob do? -Don't touch that!

That's a Tiefenmesser.

It's very important.

Fuel gage?

(laughs) No, you're so dumb.

That's a depth gauge.

Damn.

Have you ever seen a radio before?

What?

It's not too difficult, yeah.

You're going to put on the headphones.

Here, try them on.

You will monitor the frequencies written

down in the log book.

What am I listenin' for?

To see if the Brooklyn Dodgers

are winning the game of baseball.

What you know about baseball?

Before the war you know, I was in American once.

As a spy?

(speaking in foreign language), I was very small.

We do not have baby spies.

Not anymore.

Well, listen, I got a question.

Yeah, yeah.

Y'all on this ship like y'all are part

of some kind of historical reenactment

or some shit like that?

No, this is sort of correct.

We are all part of history.

We are part of the new German history.

For a thousand years we could've ruled

and restored cosmic order to the world fulfilling

the legacy of Siegfried who sits alone

in his mountain palace in Valhalla.

Well, listen, when we get to New York, stick to baseball.

Sticking to baseball.

(lever clicks)

(floorboard creaks)

So, (speaking in foreign language)

what do you think of our ship?

Oh, I've always had a thing for submarines.

Really?

So, the plan is surrendering to the Americans is it?

What did you think to yourself when the Fuhrer died?

Hitler?

I was surprised.

First he was alive and then he was dead and that's bad.

Sometimes, what's good for the goose

is good for the gander.

Oh, I'm always saying that.

Sometimes good things come in unexpected packages.

Aren't you gonna have any coffee?

No!

The caffeine makes me jumpy.

Please drink.

(eerie music)

(teacup clattering)

(Scarlet slurping)

Mm, is that instant?

Listen, if you have anything

you'd like me to take care of back here,

-I'd be happy to help. -What do you know how to do?

Are you familiar with second life?

Didn't they teach you anything in the Navy?

Well, you know how it is Klaus.

Sometimes you get the feeling that in the military,

they don't look at the whole person.

How long have you been a sailor?

Honestly, I'm gonna have to say all my life.

I don't believe you.

I don't think you know anything about anything.

Well, in all fairness, Klaus, I didn't submit

an application to get on this boat.

No, you didn't.

You were just floating in the middle

of the ocean and we happened to pass by.

I know, it's crazy, right?

I'm going to be watching you.

That's probably a good idea.

(pensive music) (engine chugging)

Water, water everywhere and lo the boards did shrink.

Water, water everywhere,

and not a drip to drink.

So, what's your plan?

Sail into New York with

your tighty-whities tied to the tower?

You Americans are only sailing

in the North Atlantic on the shipping lines to England.

We should slip in unnoticed I think.

I give ya high marks for bein' optimistic.

So, how did you end up in this racket anyway?

Oh, the pay was okay.

The pension was very generous.

[Captain McCloud] Fair enough.

Is it fair?

Is it fair, McCloud that you will

be remembered as a hero when this is all over

while I and my crew must be certainly go to prison?

I thought you Germans enjoyed losing?

You certainly get a lotta practice.

Need I remind you that your life

and the life of your crew are in my hands?

I get it, Commander.

And I'm playin' along nice.

I have something to tell you that you won't believe.

[Captain McCloud] Go ahead, Rudy, try me.

When this is all over,

I am going to go into show biz.

You don't say.

After my release I'll still

have plenty of time to make it to Broadway.

Maybe that's the real reason

I am taking the ship to New York.

Did you ever think about that?

No, Rudy, that hadn't occurred to me at all.

I am a singing and dancing fool.

You scratch my back, I scratch yours maybe.

So let me get this straight, Bojangles.

I put in the good word for you,

and you guarantee safe passage for me and my crew

as your prisoners aboard the good ol' UBoat 666?

Something like that.

What about Uncle Creepy back there?

Gluhwein?

You let me worry about him.

[Captain McCloud] All right, Rudy, I'll think about it.

You guys need any help with anything?

Anything at all?

Why don't you let me show her the wheel?

We may need a steady hand on it.

Yes, good idea.

(pensive music)

This is the wheel.

This?

Are you sure?

Knock it off and pay attention.

It may save all our lives.

So you figure anything out?

Yes, everyone on this ship is crazy.

That's all I know.

See?

It's just like riding a bicycle.

(Captain McCloud laughs) (Scarlet laughs)

Ring, ring.

Ring, ring (laughs).

-Like a bike bell. -Like, right.

(Captain McCloud laughs) (Scarlet laughs)

You get a look at Ribbonclerk?

Yes, he looks terrible.

Everyone on this ship looks terrible.

What's going on?

I don't know.

It could be some kind of Teutonic super flu.

Then again, maybe they have

an atomic bomb stashed in the back.

-A bomb? -Just shush, shush,

shay, shay, shape.

Would you look at the shape of this thing?

Man, I love this shape.

It's just a theory but it could be radiation sickness.

(pensive music)

Herr Roosevelt, why don't you teach

me some American phrases?

I want to blend right in.

Nuns On Ripple.

Nuns On Ripple.

Oh, that sounds naughty.

What does it mean?

That's how we say no.

Hm.

Ask me something that I can say no to.

You think we gon' survive on this ship?

Nuns On Ripple.

Was this right?

It was a'ight man.

It's all right, man.

It's all right.

It's all right.

[Roosevelt] Yo, Schweiger, I think I got somethin'.

It sounds like a lawnmower.

A lawnmower, what is that?

What is it?

Shit, I don't know.

I've got something.

23 degrees north.

Herr Roosevelt, get out of the way.

What we need is a good pair of German ears, yeah?

Meine come to the intercom.

It's essentially virtual 3D modeling using some

of the same techniques employed in modern architecture.

Of course, there is a proprietary currency

which monetizes the value.

Shut up you fool.

Meine?

(engine chugging)

[Meine] Yes, Commander?

Is the port engine repaired yet?

[Meine] It's working but I don't know

how long it will last.

[Braunschweiger] Come to the command deck at once.

Yes, Commander.

I have to go to the command deck now

to talk to the Commander.

Are you in trouble?

No, I'm not in trouble.

He probably just wants to hang out.

Cool.

Get over here.

Put your hands on that throttle

and don't let it leave until I return.

You got it?

I think so.

What do you mean you think so?

It's right in your hand.

What do I do?

Don't do anything.

Just do not move.

I can do that.

(engine chugging)

(hatch creaking) (pensive music)

-[Gluhwein] Meine! (Meine gasps)

[Meine] Heil Donitz!

Heil Donitz.

You know something?

I'm actually getting used to it.

Herr Gluhwein, I must get to the command deck.

In a moment.

Is everything in order back there?

-Yeah. -Good!

So the arrangements have been made.

All is in order.

Yeah.

Off you go.

(engine chugging) (pensive music)

(hatch slams)

Yeah, we all have a job to do, yes, young man?

Yes.

Yes, we do.

And we don't take our jobs lightly, do we?

No.

No, we don't.

Work makes us free.

Would you not say that is true?

Maybe.

You will be soon, young man.

Free at last.

(pensive music)

Yeah, he's correct.

It sounds like some kind of motor.

What are they?

Captain McCloud, please take a look at this.

(engine whirring)

Well?

What is it?

Some new allied super weapon?

It's a new thing called jet skis.

Jet skis?

It's an experimental craft,

used mostly on lakes and small bodies

of water to terrorize civilians.

Very effective.

But harmless.

(pensive music)

I've never seen anything like it in my life.

Herr Meine,

stand by.

We may have to make a trip to the forward torpedo bay.

Yes, Commander.

(engine chugging) (pensive music)

Yes!

[Gluhwein] What is all the commotion?

It looks like several leisure vehicles.

Let me take a look.

(pensive music)

So, some kind of motorcycle for the water.

They may have made us on radar.

I seriously doubt that.

We'll have to sink them I'm afraid.

Sink them?

Torpedoes.

Look, as fun as it would be

to torpedo a couple of jet skiers,

you'd just be wasting ammo.

We can't take that chance.

Meine, take Valentiner and prepare a torpedo, please.

This is still my ship, is it not?

We are not going to have this conversation again are we?

It's very tiresome.

Yes, you are the commander

but this ship belongs to the Reich!

God damn it, Gluhwein.

Isn't the Reich the people?

Of course.

Well, isn't Rudy one of the people?

I say he is and so then the whole ship belongs to us.

Go ahead, tell him, Commander.

Valentiner?

Herr Gluhwein is correct.

They may have made us on radar.

What kind of Americans are you?

As much as I'd enjoy watching you die, don't be an idiot.

It is not my first choice to fire a gun on the ship,

but I assure you First Mate, Ribbonclerk

of the United States Navy,

I will, without hesitation if you

do not immediately return to your post.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow up.

I thought we were all friends here.

What happened?

Friends don't stop friends

from shooting torpedoes when they need to.

I'm gonna miss you, Bierficker.

See you on the other side.

Oh, before I forget, you lose the war.

Half your country gets owned by Russia for 40 years,

then what's left of Germany adopts

the same currency as Greece and Poland

and you and the rest of Europe

goes slowly bankrupt while China takes over the world.

Yeah and a woman becomes Chancellor of Germany.

(Bierficker screams)

Have a nice day, asshole.

(shots firing) (pensive music)

(thunder rumbling) (eerie music)

(Roosevelt screams) (eerie music)

(Gluhwein yells) (eerie music)

Commander, give the order.

(pensive music)

Valentiner, Meine, is the torpedo ready?

There's sweat in my eye.

Get over it, I bleed sweat.

You're touching my hand.

It's the Navy, relax.

You are no help at all.

Valentiner, Meine?

Valentiner, Meine?

Okay, I get the radio, you hold the torpedo.

(speaking in foreign language).

I will get the intercom and you hold the torpedo.

It's (speaking in foreign language).

We cannot argue about this.

Well, look at the size of your arms.

You are an elephant.

I can't do it by myself.

It's too heavy.

Valentiner, Meine?

Okay, you will hold the torpedo, I get the radio.

-I'll-- -Quick,

I can't hold it myself.

I got it last time.

No, I, we cannot argue about this.

We do not have time, it is too heavy.

It was never me.

Valentiner!

(Meine speaking in foreign language)

Your word, Commander?

Is the torpedo ready?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we are firing the torpedo right now.

Are we ready?

Yeah.

Fire torpedo.

Firing torpedo.

(alarm blaring)

(torpedo booming)

Heil Donitz.

(waves splashing)

I have never seen a device such as this before.

You must be a real super spy.

I'm not a spy.

Then explain your ridiculous disguise.

My disguise?

You belong on a coo coo clock.

Hey, press the top button

and the one on the side at the same time and then--

And I blow up I suppose?

Not today super spy.

(phone clattering)

(glass shattering)

[Atticus] Oh man, that was the new iPhone.

What?

Nothing, it's just that I had

to spend half a day at the Apple store,

then another two days getting

it to work with all my sign in protocols.

You speak in many riddles.

I wish I had the chance to take

out my pliers and extract each and every one of them.

Those would be figurative pliers, right?

Of course!

We are not monsters.

[Atticus] Hey, any chance of my using the bathroom?

No!

You hear that, Meine?

No bathroom breaks.

Mr. Gluhwein, I think it's only fair

to tell you that I'll be reporting

you to the Mechanics Union once we get to New York.

I have somebody I'd like you to meet.

I should be helping with the engines.

We have a more important job for you to do.

(pensive music)

(dramatic music)

[Captain McCloud] Nice play, Commander.

Real backbone shooting those kids.

There were no children out there.

Each was at least as old as Lieutenant Bierficker

and he was a fully grown man.

I'm getting real tired of these little war games, Rudy.

And I am getting tired of hearing

your opinions on how I run my ship.

Commander!

The woodsman has just been killed.

Atticus?

What happened to him?

He was trying to kill Meine and myself

using a super spy phone.

A struggle ensued and he was killed.

In light of present circumstances,

I insist you let us say

a few words over our dead solider, alone!

I'm afraid that will be out of the question.

All right, Rudy, have it your way.

Sure, do whatever you want with us.

Shoot us, stab us, throw us back

in the briny blue for all I care.

None of us signed up for this.

You killed one of us already.

-Two. -Huh?

Right, Atticus, I forgot.

You killed two of us already.

If you want our help surrendering

this shit can to the Big Apple,

you'll give us five minutes to say a prayer.

Take it or leave it.

All right everybody!

Let's say a little prayer for Ribbonclerk and Atticus.

Braunschweiger's just doing what

he has to do to protect his men and his ship.

Remember, we were all in this together.

Just stayin' alive.

God bless America.

All right, look, I'm pretty sure

I was wrong about these guys havin' an atomic bomb.

You thought there was a A bomb on here?

Where?

I thought maybe somewhere in the rear of the ship.

I didn't wanna scare anybody.

I wanted to make sure.

Everybody on here looked sick,

and they have a skeleton screw.

I never bought Rudy's story.

Maybe they has an atomic bomb and a vampire.

Radiation sickness doesn't make you immune to bullets.

I think they picked us up for dinner.

They had already gone through most of their crew.

When they saw us floating out there in the water,

they couldn't pass it up.

(hatch unlatching) (pensive music)

What do we have here, hm?

Hm?

What is this?

Naughty.

So, this is your little prayer circle is it, hm?

Yeah?

Well, I hope your prayers are answered

my little American friends.

Yeah, best of luck.

What you better be praying is

that Commander Braunschweiger and Herr Gluhwein

show mercy on your or you will be going

the way of your dead comrades and die.

(pensive music)

Yeah, yeah.

It was a little overboard, little improv I cooked up.

I'm sorry.

Please, I want to help you.

Man, you must think we as dumb as you look.

I knew there was a vampire, yeah?

But I could not say anything or Gluhwein would kill me.

We're not gonna say anything, Valentiner, so fuck off.

On the reals, there is a vampire?

I have not seen it but there must be.

When we left France a month ago,

yeah, 15 of our men all died the same way.

Ee!

Gluhwein is protecting it.

This is the only answer.

And he is the only one with the key

to the real torpedo bay.

-Man, I think he's lyin'. -Yeah.

No, I am, I am not lying.

I want to help.

I love Americans, yeah.

Baseball, yeah, Cracker Jacks, frankfurter.

How can I prove it to you?

Why don't you start by killing yourself?

I have an idea, yeah, yeah, yeah.

When we pull into New York Harbor,

you give me something dangerous to do,

something exciting, something like in a Hollywood movie.

What makes you think

we can trust you, Lieutenant Valentiner?

Well, you have to trust somebody.

Shit, I don't trust anybody.

Nazis, vampires.

Where's it end with you people?

We're pulling into New York tonight.

We've got to play along until the right moment

and then take over the ship.

Everybody listen up, I'm not gonna sugarcoat this.

It's going to be of moderate to strong difficulty.

(pensive music)

All right, Rudy, this is it.

We move any closer to the coast

and they'll pick us up for sure.

The Allies are much further north

on the shipping lines, they won't even be looking for us.

Captain, you gonna tell him?

Rudy, there's no chance we'll make it in.

You don't understand.

The United States has changed.

You mean more jet skis?

Definitely a lot of those,

but I think you should know,

the date is later than you think it is.

Commander, I personally guarantee

our safe passage into the New York Harbor.

Meine, cut the engines!

[Braunschweiger] What are you doing Gluhwein?

We will enter unseen and unexpected...

(ship clanging) (pensive music)

We're moving faster now.

But how with no engines?

I told you there was nothing to worry about.

This cannot be correct.

It says we are sailing at over 100 knots.

That is impossible.

[Valentiner] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

40 degrees north, 74 degrees west.

[Captain McCloud] The Statue of Liberty!

Valentiner, up bubble three degrees.

Commander, I use the toilet please?

Stay at your post, Valentiner.

I am touching cloth.

(Valentiner speaking in foreign language) please?

Look, I'll take the controls while he hits the can.

Better that than stink up the whole deck.

'Schweiger, I got somethin' on the radio, man.

-Switch to the overhead. -Coast Guard here.

(radio static crackling)

Unknown vessel, identify yourself.

Repeat, identify yourself immediately.

Over.

Who is this?

[Coast Guard] This is the U.S. Coast Guard.

Who are you and what the fuck are you doin'

in my harbor with that old piece of shit?

You have seen the ship?

[Coast Guard] Yeah, numb nuts, we see your ship.

You're not cleared for historical craft passage

through this harbor, especially not one as ugly as that.

Where the fuck did you dig that thing out?

Thought the only Uboat was in the Chicago Museum.

Chicago Museum?

Historical craft?

(toilet seat thuds) (pensive music)

(gun cocks)

It's for your own good, Rudy.

Why don't you take a stand over there by the wall.

Stay there nice and easy and we may make it out of this.

Scarlet, point this at his balls.

If he makes a move, shoot to kill his balls.

(gun cocks)

My pleasure, Captain.

Valentiner, this is going in your report.

Here it is.

Why don't you tell us what

we're gonna find back there, Commander.

It was installed before we left Germany.

I don't know.

Don't move or I start blasting.

Hello, U.S.A?

[Coast Guard] Unknown craft,

you have 10 seconds to identify yourself

or we're gonna be on you like flies on shit.

This is Captain Gavin McCloud.

I'm a cruise boatman.

Never wanted any of this war business.

Do not approach this ship,

repeat, do not approach this ship.

Dangerous cargo onboard.

[Coast Guard] What do you mean dangerous, Captain?

We're gonna exit topside and wait for assistance,

but do not board this boat.

Sink it!

(pensive music) (alarm blaring)

(Roosevelt groans)

That a boy (groans).

That's a good boy.

Captain?

-I think so. -I'm alive if

it matters to anyone.

Glad to hear it.

Where are we?

I've heard that question one too many times lately.

It felt like we hit the bottom of the ocean.

You still got that piece?

The gun?

-Right. -No.

(shot firing)

What was that?

That would be Braunschweiger shooting Meine,

if there's a God.

Meine took us down here?

Why?

He knew we were onto him,

and the precious cargo in the back.

With Gluhwein out of the picture

he had no choice I guess.

He figures it can survive this with his help.

But we can't.

Why the fuck not?

With the engines off there can't be more

than maybe half an hour's worth of oxygen coming our way,

but that thing in the back doesn't need to breathe.

(hatch creaking)

(sighs) Captain McCloud.

I thought the German Navy was famous for it's discipline.

Meine dove the ship.

He was headed to the rear torpedo bay

when I shot him with his hand on the hatch wheel.

Are you sure he's dead?

What do you mean?

Yeah, that's a fair question on this ship.

Yes, he is dead.

But to be sure I put his head

in the piston rank and I manually ground it--

Thank you, Commander.

We can fill it in from here.

Valentiner!

(Valentiner groaning)

Herr Roosevelt, I have something for you (groans).

Take this.

Do not tell the others.

Am I going to die?

[Roosevelt] Nuns On Ripple, man, Nuns On Ripple.

Do not leave me hanging (groans).

[Roosevelt] You'll be all right, man.

All right, man.

Gluhwein's body, where did it go?

That knock to the head must've been temporary.

My guess is he's in the rear

of the ship with his secret cargo.

Everybody to the forward torpedo bay.

We ain't,

we ain't finished yet!

(ship creaking)

The good news is, I have half a pack

of sweet, sweet Thai sticks left.

The bad news is we've got to find and kill that thing.

You mean Gluhwein?

Yeah, him too, but especially whatever that thing is.

The Fuhrer's little surprise.

That thing must die before

it can escape the ship and make it to New York,

because if it can make it there...

I just want to say this

is not typical of a German war craft.

I wouldn't want you to think it was like this on every ship.

I take full responsibility.

Well, can't forget this.

Nice thinkin', Roosevelt.

Open it up.

We got a stake.

A cross.

There's a note in here.

It's in German.

Probably an instruction manual detailing

everything we need to know to defeat this menace.

But what's it say?

Shit, I don't know.

"Best of luck."

The Coast Guard may be sending divers to rescue us.

As long as that thing is onboard

we can't let that happen.

It would look good to the Americans

I think if they knew that I helped you

find the vampire and kill it.

We'll all be right behind you.

You can bet on that, Rudy,

because that's what Americans do,

stay right behind you grunting

and groaning and giving and sweating,

as hard as we can for as long as we know how.

(big band music)

Gluhwein must be hiding somewhere else.

I'll take care of him.

You will have to kill the vampire.

Thanks, Commander but I was kinda hopin'

you'd come along, ya know?

For emotional support.

I will see you all in the forward torpedo bay.

Best of luck, Captain.

(hatch creaking) (pensive music)

(engine chugging) (pensive music)

(shot firing)

Sayonara, Gluhwein.

Nice shootin', Rudy (screams).

(Scarlet screams) (Roosevelt screams)

I don't mean to be the one

to yell fire in a crowded torpedo bay--

But we're all gonna die.

Okay, Roosevelt, come through for me buddy.

What's the plan here?

[Roosevelt] I just peed a little bit.

(vampire hissing)

Just might.

[Scarlet] Is that holy water?

CBD oil.

I use it for my knees.

It might subdue the vampire.

-It's working. -Yeah!

-Go, Captain McCloud. -Yeah!

(Captain McCloud laughs) (vampire groaning)

Yeah!

Ha!

(Captain McCloud screams) (pensive music)

Quick, before it wears off,

throw that thing in the tube.

(wings flapping)

(pensive music) (hatch slams)

Well, gang, onto the fun part.

All right lady and gentlemen and Rudy.

This is it.

The End of the Line, the O.K. Corral,

Custer's Last Stand, Waterloo.

We have 10 minutes of oxygen left.

Right, okay.

Thanks, Commander.

So, let's not waste it standing around jawing all day

or night or whatever the hell it is out there or in here.

Nine minutes.

Gluhwein served one useful purpose on this Earth at least.

He showed us a way outta here.

Through the torpedo tubes.

-That's right. -Oh no.

You not shootin' me outta no torpedo tube.

There is a theoretical basis for survival at least.

It's the last play we have left.

So, who goes first?

We draw for it.

Whoever pulls the short one stays behind

to launch the rest of us off.

Wait, everybody calm down.

I mean, we gotta vote on this first, right?

What's there to vote for?

You either take your chances out there

or slowly run out of air and die for sure down here.

'Schweiger, why don't we go down here

and check under the hood and see

if we can get this thing goin' again?

It is possible but it may take longer than five minutes

which is when the air cuts out.

You may not have to go, Roosevelt.

Someone's gotta pull the short one after all.

(suspenseful music)

(Roosevelt exhales)

All right, (speaking in foreign language).

You made it.

In the tube you go.

(pensive music)

Captain?

[Captain McCloud] What is it, Roosevelt?

It was me that took your strawberries.

I know.

(pensive music)

(machine whirring)

Okay.

Who's next?

Ladies first.

(pensive music) (water splashing)

See you up top, Captain?

It's not for me to say.

Who does get to say?

The big skipper in the sky,

puffing away at his trusty corncob pipe,

filling the air with cotton candy clouds.

That's quite an image.

Thank you.

I was being sarcastic.

I know.

-No, you didn't. -Well--

Try to make it outta here, Captain.

We'll share a cup of terrible,

government issued coffee wrapped

in those scratchy pea green blankets

while they keep us up for two or even three days

at a time interrogating us about this crazy,

totally believable adventure.

You paint a hell of a picture.

They'll think we're terrorists, criminals.

Sounds wonderful.

I know.

Goodbye, Captain McCloud.

All right, kiddo, in you go.

(pensive music) (water splashing)

(hatch clangs)

(machine whirring)

Okay, ol' buddy, ol' chum, ol' pal of mine.

-Looks like it's 50, (gun cocks)

50.

Open your hand, Captain.

You were going to double cross me.

How is this a double cross?

The next pick was you getting

in that tube and me launching you out.

Because you would be martyred

as a war hero who not only saved

the life of his own men but also

the life of an enemy who was only trying to kill him.

Your name would be remembered for 1,000 years

while mine would be a footnote

in type so small you would have to be under 30 to read it.

So,

you don't wanna go then?

No, of course not.

I am going down with my ship.

It is my destiny.

I will be remembered as a hero

if you are alive to tell the story.

You're somethin' else, Rudy.

I'll give ya that.

(water splashing)

So, this will work then?

Oh, sure, old buddy, old chum, old pal of mine.

We used to do this every now and then for fun.

We are not that far down and the water

is cold but that's about it.

But after all those jazz cigarettes

do you think you can hold your breath, Captain?

I can hold my breath just fine, Braunschweiger.

Don't worry about me.

(water splashing) (ship creaking)

(hatch latches)

(Captain McCloud tapping)

Maybe we could send some divers down here.

Promise me something, Captain McCloud.

When they rescue you and they take

you out on the town to celebrate your triumph,

I want you to drink a toast to me

as you waltz down Broadway with the music of the brass band

and a dancing girl under each arm (chuckles).

-Two bullets left. (gun clicks)

Just enough.

Two?

In case I miss (chuckles).

Goodbye, Captain.

Commander!

(hatch latching) (water splashing)

(machine whirring)

(pensive music) (water splashing)

(fire crackling)

("I Love You Miss Germany")

♪ I love you, Miss Germany ♪

♪ But I leave you for America, dear today ♪

♪ Goodbye, dear ♪

♪ And think of me ♪

♪ On good behavior I might be let out of jail someday ♪

♪ I love you, Miss Germany ♪

♪ Keep a light out and look for me, dear and don't dismay ♪

♪ In a few years we'll laugh through our tears ♪

♪ And meet someday ♪

♪ I love you, Miss Germany ♪

♪ Keep a light out and look for me, dear ♪

♪ Don't dismay ♪

♪ In a few years we'll laugh through our tears ♪

♪ And meet someday ♪

(pensive music)

(seagulls squawking) (waves splashing)

[Captain McCloud] Hard to believe, right?

I swear on the souls of both Rodgers

and Hammerstein that all of it is completely 100% true.

Funny thing is, UBoat 666 was never really accounted for.

I looked it up on Wiki.

If anybody watching this is an editor there,

I'd appreciate getting an update on your site.

And make sure you nail two things.

One, spell Braunschweiger's name properly

and call the poor son of a bitch Rudy,

and two, that submarine is still down there

in New York Harbor and that thing, vampire,

whatever it is, is still lodged in the rear torpedo bay.

(Captain McCloud coughs)

I don't know if it's dead or in hibernation,

but if you get down there someday, bring a sharp stake

and say hello from Captain Gavin McCloud.

("I Love You Miss Germany")