Original subtitles

(spooky space music)

(audience laughs)

- Tim!

- Yes, Mister Burns.

Yes, I understand Mister Burns, I...

Right, boss, right.

Mister Burns...

I understand that.

Trimble's Department Store.

You want me to review the educational display.

Space exhibit.

- Tim!

(audience laughs)

- Right.

Now the minute I hang up this telephone,

I'm on my way right out that door.

Right.

Right, Mister Burns.

Right, bye bye.

(audience laughs)

- [Martin] Tim!

- Oh, boy.

He's gotta stop that yelling.

(audience laughs)

Man can't be in two places at the same time.

Keeps me up all night.

Wants me to play nurse maid to him all day.

Anyway...

- [Martin] Tim!

- Gonna stop that yelling.

After all, I'm just a simple human being.

That's right.

I'm a human being.

- [Martin] Tim!

- Coming!

Tim, Tim, Tim...

Uncle Martin, I'd appreciate it...

- I would appreciate it if, during my illness,

you would keep your snide remarks to yourself.

- Well, I was.

I can't help it if you were listening in.

(audience laughs)

Well, drink your tea!

- I was not listening.

When I'm sick I lose all of my superior faculties.

Look!

I can't even levitate an ashtray!

(audience laughs)

Is this stuff hot?

- It is scalding.

- See?

See what I mean?

I'm insensitive.

- You certainly are.

You don't care that I'm in trouble with the newspaper.

You know, you don't even care that they,

they pushed me off on a third rate cub assignment.

You know what they've done?

They have made me a critic on a children's display

at Trimble's Department Store.

- I'm sick, Tim.

Really.

If your Earth virus should get in my antennas...

- Which reminds me, you know what happens

if somebody sees those things out.

Now why don't you just push them back in, huh?

- I can't push them back.

They hurt.

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin, all you have is a simple, common cold.

- All?

Common?

Simple?

Don't you realize I'm not the common man?

I'm a Martian!

And my system's not prepared for this. (sneezes)

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin!

- Will you kindly stop poking me in my... (sneezes)

(audience laughs)

Now are you satisfied?

Not only is Earth a terrible place to visit,

but I sure as Heaven shouldn't be living here. (sneezes)

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin.

Please, please!

- [Martin] It's alright, Tim.

Go!

Go on your appointed rounds.

Go!

Go, only hurry back.

- Yeah.

I will, Uncle Martin.

I'll be back just as soon as I can.

- [Martin] Bring me back some chicken soup.

(audience laughs)

("My Favorite Martian Theme")

(spooky space music)

- [Tim] (laughs) That, that isn't a Martian.

- [Display Exhibitor] It, it isn't?

- No, I...

I'm afraid that my boss must've made some kind of a mistake

because you don't want me to review this display.

You want me to...

- Oh, it's not me!

I...

It's, it's Mister Trimble.

It's he who...

Well you see, he buys a lot

of advertising from your newspaper,

and he doesn't want it to look like filler.

He wants a review.

- Oh.

- This is an aircraft, a spacecraft.

- Oh?

Well, where are the inverters?

- The what?

- Well you see, you can't enter the Earth's atmosphere

unless you recharge your electrical system.

- You can't?

- Look, Miss, I don't profess to be an expert

in outer space, but I have made a study

of it for personal reasons.

Now, if you honestly want this display

to appear authentic, legitimate, educational...

(quirky music)

(audience laughs)

What's that?

- It's a... Venusian?

A life on Venus.

- Well, it's not like that at all.

- It isn't?

- No!

You see, people on other planets

are far more advanced than we are.

I mean, their intelligence is, is phenomenal.

Their abilities far surpass...

Well, look, you see we Earth people

only use a small percentage of our brain power.

Now, if this Venusian...

- Hello, there.

You must be the young critic from the Sun.

The Sun, that's my paper.

Read it every morning over coffee.

I'm Mister Trimble.

- Tim O'Hara.

- I can't say I ever recall seeing your name.

- Well, I'm not a regular critic, sir.

I'm mostly a newspaper man.

- Good, good!

Like when they send a boy to do a man's job.

(audience laughs)

Gives it a fresh slant, a lift.

That's my paper, the Sun.

What do you think of our magnificent display?

Magnificent, isn't it?

I have a title for it.

Trimble's Tremendous Tribute To Tomorrow.

- Mister Trimble...

- Shush, my dear.

I want to hear what the young man has to say.

- Well, sir... - And don't let the fact

that I'm Mister Trimble himself influence you.

If you find our display magnificent,

be not ashamed to call it so.

- Mister Trimble...

- Well, sir, I will say that your display

is a magnificent contribution to customer culture.

- I like that.

I like the way you talk.

- And that's not the way I talk, sir.

That's what's printed on the little folder you give people

as they come in the store.

(audience laughs)

- Now, I know I like it.

We're awfully proud of you, my dear.

Miss Trimble, my daughter.

- Dad. (audience laughs)

- Don't be ashamed, my dear.

Nepotism can be a beautiful thing.

Just as hard work and honest, gutsy writing can be.

I want you to pull out all the stops, son.

Don't be afraid to pour the accolades on her.

Just because she's Gloria Trimble, my daughter,

no one here can deny her her due.

Lay it on her, son.

Tell them we took her out of lingerie

and put her into space.

(audience laughs)

- You what?

- Dad.

- Listen to Daddy, dear.

Never hide your basket under a bushel.

- Bushel under a basket.

- A genius.

My daughter's a genius!

If you want to keep my good faith, show me yours.

Remember the Sun is my paper.

Make me proud over my morning coffee.

Bushel under a basket. (laughs)

(audience laughs)

- Where...

Where were we?

- What?

Oh...

I think I've got the story.

Thank you very much.

(ominous orchestral music)

Uncle Martin.

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

- The antiquity of boiling water.

If only I had a Fahrenheit rod.

(audience laughs)

(knocking at door)

Who is it?

- It's me, Mrs. Brown.

Tim told me you were sick,

and he asked me to make you some cream of chicken soup.

He said he'd pick it up, but he hasn't come back,

so I thought I'd bring it to you before it got cold.

- Hot, hot chicken soup.

(audience laughs)

(sneezes)

(audience laughs)

- Now don't open the door too wide, Martin.

You don't want to get in a draft.

(audience laughs)

(sneaky orchestral music)

Martin?

Martin, you should lock your front door.

You know, the wind blows it open.

(audience laughs)

Yoohoo!

Martin!

Martin?

Oh, Martin!

(audience laughs)

Martin?

Martin!

(audience laughs)

(gargling)

Oh, that's good, Martin.

Use plenty of salt.

(audience laughs)

Say, would you like some honey?

It's very soothing.

I'll get you some.

It's very good for the nasals.

I'll just put a lid on the soup and keep it...

(audience laughs)

Evaporating milk?

(audience laughs)

I don't use evaporating milk.

It couldn't have been that hot.

Evaporating chickens?

(audience laughs)

I'll be right back, Martin!

(audience laughs)

(spooky space music)

- [Martin] Hello?

Pharmacy?

The prescription department.

Hello, this is Doctor Duvall.

Has that O'Hara order left yet?

(audience laughs)

Well please hurry.

There's a sick man in the house.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, Tim.

Wait a minute, Tim.

I have some more cream of chicken soup.

A brand new batch.

This time I made it thicker.

You know, the last batch evaporated.

- Evaporated. (laughs)

- I was talking to your uncle, Martin, and he was...

- Evaporated!

- He was in the bathroom gargling.

Are you alright?

I think you're coming down with his cold.

I better make another batch of soup.

- O'Hara residence?

Matter of life and death?

- What?

- I got a delivery here for a Martin O'Hara.

That'll be 4.82, COD.

- Oh, my money's upstairs.

- Well, I'll take care of it.

You take the soup up to Martin.

Wait here.

- Yeah, wait here.

Uncle Martin?

(audience laughs)

- I've taken a turn for the worst.

I keep coming and going.

I'm getting dizzy.

What's that you got there?

- Hmmm?

Oh, cream of chicken soup.

What happened with you and Mrs. Brown?

She didn't see you, did she?

Because she just said that...

- Will you please stop worrying about what Mrs. Brown said.

These towels are getting cold.

(audience laughs)

I ordered some pills.

How long do you think they'll...

- Oh, yeah, they just arrived.

Mrs. Brown's gonna bring them up in just a second.

- Good.

If I've estimated my temperature correctly, it's over 102.

You know, your Earth thermometers don't record

us Martians to our Nth degree.

- Yoohoo!

It's Mrs. Brown!

- The bedroom, quick!

- Please stop pushing a poor, sick man.

- Your antennas!

- Well make believe I'm a reindeer. (sneezes)

(audience laughs)

- Where's your Uncle Martin?

- Oh, well he...

He's in the bedroom, gargling.

- Oh, I forgot his honey.

Well, we'll just give him his pills,

and then I'll get the honey.

- Yes.

Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin?

- What was that?

- Huh?

Oh, nothing I just...

(Martin sneezes)

(audience laughs)

- Don't point at him.

You have a cold too.

Down the hatch.

That's a good boy.

Now, you see that he takes his pills,

and I'll be right back.

(bouncy orchestral music)

(sneezes)

(audience laughs)

- I can't take much more of this, Tim.

I'm a very sick man.

(telephone rings)

- What kind of pills did you order?

- Extra heavy heavy sleeping pills.

(snores)

(audience laughs)

Hello?

Oh, yeah, hello Mister Burns.

Yes.

Yes, Tim is...

Oh, yes, he's...

He's busy working on the story right now.

(audience laughs)

Oh yes, he understands.

This is his last chance?

After being a critic in a children's department

the next step is out.

Right.

Immediately.

The story will be down there within the hour.

At least you could've said good night.

(audience laughs)

Notes.

Notes.

He must have left notes.

The things that this boy has me do for him.

One eyed Venusians?

Fish mouthed Martians?

(audience laughs)

- Tim? Martin?

- Oh, we're busy Mrs. Brown!

Both of us!

We're gargling!

(audience laughs)

- Well, alright.

I'll leave the honey on the doorstep,

but get it before the bees do.

(audience laughs)

- We will!

Buzz a buzz!

- Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz...

(audience laughs)

- Fish mouthed Martians!

The trouble with you, Tim, is that you don't fight back.

(spooky space music)

I remember when I was with General Custer.

What was it he said?

Charge.

(audience laughs)

(busy orchestral music)

(ominous music)

- Get me my Sun.

My Sun!

My Sun, the newspaper!

(audience laughs)

- (laughs) No, you're kidding, Mister Burns.

Mister Trimble said that?

And he said that?

Oh you've got to be...

I mean I know you haven't got a sense of humor,

but you've gotta be kidding.

You're not kidding.

(sad music)

(spooky space music)

- (sighs) I feel 100% better, Tim.

That was my trouble.

I had to be grounded.

(audience laughs)

- What did you write in my column?

- Be careful, Tim.

I've got it on medium dark.

That's as much as I can take.

(audience laughs)

- Now what did you write in my column?

- Mister Burns was pleased, huh?

- Oh, he was delighted.

- Oh, the things I do for you.

- Yeah, that's right.

If I don't get Mister Trimble

to accept my apology and my printed retraction,

I'm going to be fired.

- With me at your side, and your typewriter, and...

Fired?

- Fired.

F-I-R-E-D.

Which gives me an idea.

Fried!

F-R-I-E-D.

Now, how would you like to pop up well done on both sides?

(audience laughs)

- Tim!

Be careful!

You'll get me electrocuted.

- Well, that's the idea, killer.

- Here.

Help me get out of these things.

- Uncle Martin, who asked you to write my column, anyhow?

Now, why did you have to go

and stick your big nose in everything?

- You were asleep.

Out on your feet, literally.

- Yes, but why did you...

Did you copy my notes?

- I corrected them.

- To what?

- The truth.

Tim, you can't sanction absurdities

like one eyed Venusians and fish mouthed Martians.

Look at me, Tim.

Do I have a fish mouth?

- Well, I have a hook in the closet.

Let's try it and see what happens.

(audience laughs) - Tim.

I may get you the Pulitzer Prize.

You know, I was with Joe Pulitzer the day he decided

to give out the prizes.

As a matter of fact, I was the one who suggested it.

(audience laughs)

Tim.

Where is your courage?

Where is your strong heart?

I remember when I was with Pasteur

when he was bugged with his microbes.

And Georgie Washington when we crossed the Delaware.

Believe me, it was cold.

My antennas froze.

(audience laughs)

Tim.

All great men have known hard times.

- Uncle Martin, I don't want to be a great man.

I just want to be a simple reporter on the Sun.

- And would you sell yourself out for this?

(serious orchestral music)

Tim.

Would you have really written a soft review?

Accepted and perpetrated the hogwash?

Let the children of this nation be deceived

and believing something that isn't true?

- Uncle Martin, it's easy for you to talk.

You've been here all day just plugged in,

nice and cozy and happy,

and just worrying about yourself.

- I'm worrying about you.

- You should be because

if Mister Trimble won't accept my apologies, I'm through.

- There are more important things.

- That's right.

There are, and they all go hand in hand

with finding a job and paying the rent

and paying the grocery bills.

- And principles.

Convictions.

How much do they cost, Tim?

What are you willing to spend on them?

- Uncle Martin, you just don't understand.

- No.

You don't understand.

- Look, if I can't convince Trimble that he...

- That's it.

You have it.

Convince Trimble.

- Oh, sure, just walk into his office...

What?

(audience laughs)

- Convince Mister Trimble.

You're a bright boy, Tim.

You've got the facts.

You've got the truth.

Never let anyone take that away from you, Tim.

The truth.

That's all any of us ever really have. (sneezes)

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin?

- [Martin] That sneeze was intentional, Tim.

On the house.

I'm going with you.

Just make sure he doesn't open any windows

and keeps the air conditioning off.

If I sneeze in his office, we're both in a lot of trouble.

Unless I intend to pucker up like a fish.

(audience laughs)

Well, don't stand there staring, Tim.

Put on your clothes and your convictions.

Don't worry.

I won't be seen, and you're going to be heard.

- Well?

- Well, sir, I feel I should...

- Your apology, that's what you're here for, young man.

And to read your retraction.

- Yes, sir, my retraction.

Well, there is no retraction.

- Do you know what you're saying?

- No, sir. (grunts)

Yes, sir.

There's no sense getting excited.

Now this is truth and honesty time.

- Can't we open a window?

It's awfully warm in here.

- Dad.

- No, sir, no!

Don't open that window because, well, I have an allergy.

- To air conditioning?

What's that got to do with opening the window?

- Well, the test.

Yes, it's the test.

You see, they're not sure exactly what it is

that I'm allergic to, so we don't want

to open the window and let all those things in here.

(audience laughs)

Do we?

Sir.

(audience laughs) - Dad.

Now, sir, I feel that the facts and figures show...

- The facts are in my display

and the figures are in your paycheck.

Now do you apologize or do you want me to get you fired?

- I apologize. (grunts)

(audience laughs)

I mean, no sir, I don't apologize

because I don't feel I'm wrong.

- Good for you.

- Well, thank you very much.

Now, sir, I have no intention

of insulting either you or your daughter.

- Why, I wasn't insulted.

- Oh no, sir!

No, no pepper please.

(audience laughs)

(Martin sneezes)

- He's mad!

He's gone mad!

(audience laughs)

Why's he pointing at me?

- Because you're an impossible bully and a tyrant.

I wouldn't wonder that you've driven

this brave young man clear out of his mind.

- I?

I?

He insulted the name of Trimble.

- No!

You insulted the name of Trimble.

You put me in charge of a display that I knew nothing about.

I belong in lingerie, not in an outer space exhibit!

(audience laughs)

- Do you know who you're talking to, Gloria?

- My father!

You got carried away and caused a ridiculous exhibit,

Trimble's Tremendous Tribute To Tomorrow.

You embarrassed me!

And you're still doing it.

- Gloria!

- I'm sorry, father, but Mister O'Hara has courage

in his convictions, and he's given me mine.

You were wrong.

We were wrong.

He is right.

(audience laughs)

- Young man...

I like a fighter.

I admire a man who believes,

and I like a daughter who's like a son...

(audience laughs)

Who makes me proud.

I'm gonna call your boss, Mister Burns,

and tell him that we've straightened out our problems.

(audience laughs)

And that he should provide medical expenses

to take care of that allergy.

Seems to have gotten into your finger.

(audience laughs)

As for you, my dear, my son the daughter,

it's back in lingerie where you belong.

(audience laughs) - Thanks, Dad.

Oh, and don't worry about a thing, Tim.

Don't worry about anything.

Everything will be taken care of.

(Martin sneezes)

(audience laughs)

(sighs)

- Take a letter to Mister Burns, editor of the Sun,

regarding Tim O'Hara.

After further consideration, it has occurred to me

to request you double Tim's salary.

Add it to my advertising budget.

We'll never miss it.

And my highest compliments to you

on having such a courageous young man on your staff.

If ever you have to recommend someone

for the Pulitzer Prize,

I recommend that you recommend him.

(audience laughs)

Initial this and send it out right away...

(sneezes)

(audience laughs)

How Earthy can a Martian get? (laughs)

(audience laughs)

(lighthearted orchestral music)

(Tim whistles)

Tim, who's the lucky lady this evening?

- Miss Gloria Trimble.

- Well...

She's after your money, Tim.

Now that you've gotten a pay raise,

you've got to be careful of women.

- Yeah, come on, Uncle Martin.

Let me go will you please?

I'm gonna be late.

- Shall I wait up for you?

- No, I don't think so.

We're going to go star gazing tonight.

- Oh?

- Seems I'm an expert on the subject.

(audience laughs)

- Good night, Tim.

- Good night, Uncle Martin.

Oh, by the way,

gesundheit.

(audience laughs)

- Thank you.

(sneezes)

(audience laughs) Oh no!

("My Favorite Martian Theme")