Original subtitles

(alarm buzzing)

(canned laughter)

(alarm ringing)

(canned laughter)

(alarm buzzing)

(frenetic orchestral music)

(canned laughter)

("My Favorite Martian Theme" by George Greeley)

(majestic orchestral music)

(phone buzzing)

- Did you O'Hara yet?

What do mean his line's busy?

I know that character,

he's just left the phone off the hook again.

I gotta get him,

he's gotta rush out to Edwards Air Force Base

right away.

The weather's changed and they've booked

the X-15 test flight up ahead a whole day.

Oh, never mind,

I know where I can get him.

(phone rings)

- [Lorelei] Will somebody get the phone?

- Hello?

- You're just visiting Annabelle.

- Hello?

Oh, good morning, Mr. Burns.

Uh huh.

Yes, sir, I'll tell Tim right away.

- Angela, halt.

- Mother, you're not in the waves anymore,

I've got to wake Tim up.

- Oh, I'll wake him up, Aunt Lorelei.

- Well, Annabelle dear,

you'll not only wake him up,

you'll shake him up.

(canned laughter)

(giggles)

- I forgot.

- Yes, well don't forget again, dear.

Especially in the morning

when a man's metabolism is just starting to do

whatever it is a man's metabolism does.

(door knocks)

- Who's the matter? What happened? What?

- You see, girls, he's wide awake.

It's best to be brutal.

- Tim your editor called

and he wants you to cover the flight of the X-15.

It's been moved up a day.

- Thanks, Angie.

Annabelle.

- Now that's what I was telling you girls

about a man's metabolism.

Tim?

Get dressed.

(engines roar)

- [Radio] Level and wide open.

Speed is Mach 4.4,

.7,

.9.

- Come on, boys, stay with it.

- [Radio] Mach 5.3,

little trouble with vertical stability.

- Hey, there's an unknown on my radar.

A blip on a collision course for the X-15.

And gaining on it fast!

- Overtaking it? Impossible!

- Look I'm tracking it now.

- [Radio] Mach 5.4.

- Whatever it is,

it's going over 9000 miles an hour.

- Oh, come on, it just must be something

wrong with this thing that's all.

(canned laughter)

- [Radio] .9.

What was that?

Something just went past me

like I was standing still!

A flying saucer!

- Oh, no, no.

Not those things again.

Sommermeyer, check your oxygen supply

and stop babbling that nonsense

about flying saucers.

It's probably just a speck in your eye.

- [Radio] Yes, sir.

I'm turning now for the landing.

- Afraid he needs a rest.

- Blip's off my scope now.

- Oh good, shut it off.

Darn thing probably doesn't work anyway.

I'm just happy that that reporter wasn't around

to start splashing it over the papers

that our pilots are seeing flying saucers

and the radar's picking up stuff

that isn't even there.

- Maybe it was a meteorite

or a piece of a satellite.

- Yeah, maybe.

- Oh hi, Colonel. Am I late?

- Oh, O'Hara, afraid so,

the show's over.

But it was just a routine flight.

- If you could just give me the speed

and let me interview the pilot.

- I'm sorry I can't give you any information

right now.

- You're pushing me.

- Am I? How about that?

- Wait a minute.

Why so much secrecy if this

is just a routine flight?

Why can't I interview someone?

Why are you sweating in an air conditioned room?

What happened?

(sighs)

(ominous theremin sounds)

(frantic string music)

(ominous orchestral music)

Something's going on inside.

- Are you through?

Now what are you waiting for me to say?

Take me to your leaders?

- Who are you?

- Well,

I could give you some wild tale

of being a Russian astronaut

or the designer of an experimental spacecraft

but the plain fact of the matter is,

I'm from Mars.

- Mars?

- Mars.

Now don't look so astonished.

I'm a professor of Anthropology from Mars

specializing in this primitive planet.

- Mars?

I'm afraid you got hit a little harder

than you think.

- That idiot in your antique rocket plane

almost ran into me.

- You mean the X-15?

- Now I'm marooned on this backward planet

until I can repair my ship.

- Now hold it, hold it, hold it.

You mean the X-15 almost ran into your...

that thing?

- Precisely.

It was lumbering along

at barely 4000 miles an hour.

Had to strain my ship

to get out of its way.

- You know how fast it was going?

- I can tell you to the fifth decimal place.

That idiot at the controls reported me

to his base as a flying saucer.

(groans)

Well just don't sit there.

I've been hurt.

(canned laughter)

- We'll go to my car.

- You'll have to carry me.

Takes me a little while

to get used to the Earth's gravity.

I weigh so much more here.

(cheerful orchestral music)

- Well it isn't Mars

but it's home.

(canned laughter)

Now the question is,

how are we going to get you inside

without Mrs. Brown spotting us.

- Uh, just give me a second.

(canned laughter)

Nobody will see me now

but you'll still have to carry me in.

Alright, come on, come on.

- How did you do that?

- It isn't easy.

If I have to do it again in my condition,

you're gonna have a very sick Martian

on your hands.

(canned laughter)

Let's go, let's go.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Give me your hand.

(canned laughter)

(dog barks)

Scram!

Beat it!

Go away, go away.

- [Martian] I'll take care of him.

(canned laughter)

Stop gawking and get me to bed.

- Tim!

What in the world are you doing?

- Well, it's kind of a charade.

I'm pretending I'm carrying an

invisible man into the house.

(canned laughter)

(chuckles)

How do you feel now?

- Oh, better thanks.

Oh, your atmosphere,

so rich in oxygen.

It's like breathing in

a thick chocolate malted milk.

- Malted milk!

Malted milk!

How would a martian know about that?

- Now since modesty forbids my calling attention

to my superior intellect,

I'll confine myself to saying

that I am the greatest living authority

on the subject of your planet.

I've visited here many times.

Especially in the last 150 years.

- 150 years?

How old are you?

- Let's just say I'm approaching

the prime of my life.

(canned laughter)

- But if you've been here before

how come there haven't been headlines

about you all over the world?

- As long as I don't wear a sign on my back,

saying "I am a Martian."

Who would ever know?

- And no one you met ever suspected?

- Not even Thomas Jefferson.

And he was a fairly bright fellow.

For a native that is.

You know,

you Earth people are handicapped.

You only use a small portion of your brain.

We Martians use all of ours.

- I can't believe it.

- The trouble is,

you're too intelligent to believe it.

You people baffle me,

so illogical,

so emotional.

Earth's alright for a visit

but I wouldn't want to live here.

(canned laughter)

- Well you gotta live here now

whether you like it or not.

I'm afraid you're stuck.

- Only temporarily.

I'll leave as soon as I can repair my spaceship

and no one will be the wiser but you.

- No, no, no.

You're not leaving until I get a story on this

and the pictures.

I'm gonna get the Pulitzer Prize for this.

- I'm sorry,

but you're not gonna be able to write that story.

- But I've got to write it,

I'm a newspaperman.

- You wouldn't be for long.

Nobody would believe you.

Pick up the phone,

call your editor,

tell him you found a real life Martian.

Go ahead.

- But it's the truth.

- No, no, no.

They wouldn't believe you.

- I'll prove it.

I'll bring them here,

and I'll show you to them.

- I'll disappear,

and you know I can do it.

- Is that how a...

person from a...

superior planet shows his gratitude?

- I may seem ungrateful,

but I believe I know what would happen.

Suppose you did win the Pulitzer Prize,

you wouldn't deserve it,

and you wouldn't be able to live up to it.

You'd be a one day wonder

and that's all.

And you wouldn't want that, would you?

Incidentally,

there's a very attractive brunette

walking up your steps right now.

- It's Annabelle.

How'd you know that?

- She's thinking very warm thoughts about you.

- How do you know that?

- You mean you can read minds?

- Unless there's a conscious effort

to shut me out.

For instance,

I know exactly what you're thinking

about the young lady.

tsk tsk tsk.

Oops, you shut me right out.

- Well that's personal.

After all I'm only human.

- And just remember,

I'm more than human.

Now, answer the door.

- If there's anything I hate

it's a smart alecky Martian.

(canned laughter)

(victorious orchestral music)

- [Annabelle] By Tim O'Hara.

- Well, well.

- Gosh, I'm proud of you.

- How nice for me.

- [Martian] Excuse me for butting

in one of your thoughts again.

But you're about to have visitors.

- Hey!

Hey, what is this?

- Murphy.

The Air Force wants to know

where you got your information

on the X-15 flight.

Who's this?

- He's a Martian.

- A what?

- Martin, Martin, Martin!

That's his name.

Martin, my uncle.

My uncle Martin,

he's here after a long trip

and he's not feeling very well.

- Let's go.

- Hold it. He, um,

well he might need something,

so just help yourself, Uncle Martin.

Here you might need a little cash,

I know you might be short.

And the keys are in the car.

- Thank you.

- I may not be back

by the time you leave so,

it's been very nice seeing you.

I hope you have a very pleasant trip

and happy landing.

Take good care of him, Annabelle.

- He must be a pretty nice boy.

- He is.

I mean you're his uncle,

you ought to know.

- Oh, well I haven't seen much of him

and my home is a long, long way from here.

- We'll take care of you,

my aunt and I.

Is your aunt the woman next door

who gives bridge lessons,

and is taking a course in real estate,

and sells Christmas cards and beauty creams,

and is studying the stock market

with a ouija board?

- Mmhm, Tim must have talked to you about her.

- Yes, yes, yes.

Well, I'll be able to take care of myself,

thank you.

I'll be up and around tomorrow.

- We'll take care of you anyway.

- I said no interruptions

until I call you back.

I don't care who it is,

nobody at all.

And now O'Hara,

this is your last chance.

Now I don't care anything

about this flying saucer jazz,

it crops up every year

at the beginning of the hay fever season.

But you are not getting out of here

until I find out which one of my men

is passing out information

to the fifth decimal place.

- I refuse to reveal my sources of news.

- [Colonel] Why, you?!

- Colonel.

Colonel, I've got to admit

that I admire this young man's principles.

- What?

- And with your permission,

I'd like to do something for him.

For starters I'd like to throw him in jail.

I'm very happy to look after him personally.

- Good, I'll drop by and see you.

Every month or so.

- Well let me call my attorney.

Please.

- Here you go, O'Hara.

A lovely three course lunch.

- A three course lunch?

It looks like hamburger.

- No, no.

You've got hamburger,

coffee,

and sugar.

You've got any words for the Colonel?

- Yes.

Yes, I have several words for the Colonel.

But I wouldn't use any of them

in mixed company.

- Murphy stole your pickle.

- How'd you get in here?

- I arrived with the lunch.

I realize you don't have visiting hours

but I wanted to thank you personally

for your kindness.

- Oh, that's alright.

- You're in a lot of trouble

because of me, aren't you?

- Well, I'll live through it.

- Why'd you let yourself in for it?

- I guess I'm a little stupid sometimes.

Anyway you're the nicest Martian I've ever met.

- Thank you.

And thank you for these clothes.

Now, how are going to get you out of here?

Let me think.

Suppose we tell them that you picked up

their control center on your car radio.

- No, that's impossible,

my radio wouldn't pick up their frequency.

- Blame it on sunspots,

freak reception.

An ionization shift in the upper atmosphere.

That's your story and stick to it.

- I'll try, but.

- Excuse me a moment.

Murphy's coming back.

Eat your lunch.

- Excuse me.

- Who you talking to in there?

- One of my favorite people,

myself.

- I heard two different voices.

- Well sure, one voice would be monotonous,

and besides I couldn't tell which of me

was saying what to whom.

(canned laughter)

- Wow.

The voice I heard

didn't sound anything like yours.

- [Martian] Why should it?

Charlie McCarthy doesn't sound

anything like Edgar Bergen.

- Hey!

You're a ventriloquist, aren't ya?

- [Martian] I'm practicing throwing my voice

while I'm eating.

- Hey, you know something?

You're very good.

- Thank you.

- [Martian] I thank you too.

We both thank you. - [Tim] We both thank you.

- Both at once.

Fantastic!

- Yes, well, that's enough for now

you don't want to spend too much time

with the prisoner.

Now, here you go.

And next time don't steal my pickle.

- What makes you think

I'd do a thing like that?

- Your face.

It's got pickle stealer written all over it.

- If you've got anything to say to the Colonel

you let me know.

- Yes, I may do that.

- [Martian] Good bye, Tim.

See you later.

- Sensational!

- Now remember, Colonel.

It might have been a freak thing

that made the car radio pick up

the control center that day.

- I say it's impossible

and I'm calling your bluff.

- Tim, you're back.

- It might have been sunspots,

or upper atmosphere ionization,

or something like that.

Maybe it's a holiday for sunspots.

Later, Annabelle, later.

- If it doesn't work,

- Back you go!

- Well if it doesn't work

be reasonable, Colonel.

- [Colonel] Quiet!

- [Radio] Hello, Edwards.

Hello, Edwards.

Are you still receiving me?

- [Radarman] Like a bell.

- [Radio] We're ready for the launch.

Event A will be a test of the.

- Yeah, how about that?

- They'll be no more of that, Colonel.

- Hey, hey, that's my radio.

- Keep your hands off that!

You've got some gadget in here

that's bringing in our frequencies

and the laboratory's gonna find it.

- [Murphy] Colonel,

maybe we oughta keep him on ice

until we get the lab report, huh?

- That won't be necessary,

we know where to find him.

But if there is any unauthorized equipment

of any kind in this.

You are gonna get free room and board

in a federal prison!

And don't you forget it!

- [Murphy] Are you alright, Colonel?

- [Colonel] Yes, yes.

- Well we got all of it, Colonel.

- The laboratory technicians

will find out exactly how this could happen.

- Somehow I doubt it.

I simply don't understand.

Why didn't you tell me

you could gimmick up my radio?

You just let me sweat it out.

- Exactly.

If I hadn't you would have been smug

and overconfident.

And the Colonel might have detected

a fishy aroma.

- Well, I suffered it was very painful.

- Well, a little pain is good for you.

As one of your playwrights observed,

"Pain makes man think,

"thinking makes man wise,

"and wisdom makes live endurable."

Next problem.

My little spaceship is down in the garage

and I've gotta start repairing it

so I can get back to Mars.

We need a number of very scarce items

most of which haven't been invented yet.

- That sounds pretty expensive.

What are you gonna use for money?

- I've been reading about

an interesting place called

Las Vegas.

With you rolling the dice

and with my special talents,

we ought to do all right there.

- No, no, no.

I've been in nothing but trouble

since I met you.

- And I imagine that will continue.

But it won't be dull.

And a friend who can read minds

can be an enormous help

to a young reporter.

I can get you a lot of information

straight from the horse's head.

(canned laughter)

Now, what do you say?

- It's a deal.

Welcome to the O'Hara family.

- Thank you, my boy.

Well,

I guess that makes me the first Irishman

from the planet Mars.

("My Favorite Martian Theme" by George Greeley)