Original subtitles

( MUSIC PLAYING )

Ow!

( MUSIC PLAYING )

¶ There's always Someone saying ¶

¶ Somebody needs Something changing ¶

¶ It's all a game We're playing ¶

¶ It's never ending ¶

¶ And no one can keep up ¶

¶ Makes you feel Less than perfect ¶

¶ Feels like It's so not worth it ¶

¶ Labeled some kind of misfit ¶

¶ Tell me haven't you Just had enough? ¶

¶ Beauty has many faces ¶

¶ You'll see them Different places ¶

¶ I don't wanna be Someone else ¶

¶ I only wanna be myself ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ And I am beautiful ¶

SUZANNE: That goofy ballerina is me.

At this point in my life, I didn't worry about my weight

but, of course, that didn't last.

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ And I am beautiful ¶

¶ You can refuse to listen ¶

¶ To all the... ¶

SUZANNE: Like most average American girls,

I grew up seeing 200 to 400 advertising images

of what women are supposed to look like

every day of my life.

¶ And who you are Is just fine ¶

¶ Unique and one of a kind ¶

¶ No pressure now to define ¶

¶ Anything to anyone but you ¶

SUZANNE: The women in the ads we see are a size 0 to size 4.

Even though the average American woman is a size 14,

the same size as Marilyn Monroe.

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ And I am beautiful ¶

¶ I don't wanna be Someone else ¶

SUZANNE: Ninety-six percent of American girls

say they feel bad about themselves

because they don't look like a supermodel.

¶ I am beautiful ¶

¶ I am beautiful ¶

SUZANNE: There are three billion women on earth

and 100 of them are supermodels,

which makes supermodels the rarest of genetic freaks.

¶ I don't wanna be Someone else ¶

¶ I only wanna be myself ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

thousands of hermaphrodites,

people with the genitalia of both sexes.

¶ I don't wanna be Someone else ¶

¶ I'm happy When I'm just myself ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

SUZANNE: So don't feel bad

you're not a genetic freak supermodel.

Feel bad you don't have a penis and a vagina.

Because at least you had a shot at that one.

( LAUGHING )

All right.

You guys, papers are due on Friday.

Please, I have office hours.

My TA, Elise, has office hours.

Come to us. I want to help you.

I want you guys to impress me, okay?

SUZANNE: It's ironic I teach Feminist Media in Los Angeles,

the belly of the entertainment beast.

No real woman can live up to Hollywood images,

not even the women in them.

SUZANNE: I'm not actually fat. But you can't tell me that.

Even on my wedding day, when I had lost 15 pounds

and was swimming in my dress, I didn't feel thin enough.

¶ I don't wanna be Someone else ¶

SUZANNE: My whole life I have had one simple wish.

To finally stop obsessing about my weight.

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ And I am beautiful ¶

¶ I don't wanna be Someone else ¶

¶ I'm happy... ¶

SUZANNE: How you choose to think about a small roll of fat

can change your life.

For me, it all started with a woman's head between my legs,

but not in a good way.

( SIGHS )

Hm, you're running out of time

to get these buns in your oven, cookie.

Statistically speaking, the day you turn 40,

your chances drop by half.

Boom. Oh.

You know, I called over to the lab

and they haven't received your husband's sperm yet.

Five more days, we're gonna have to freeze those eggs.

What's his big problem anyway?

He's very busy. It's pilot season.

Big TV executive can't find the time to jerk off?

I thought that's what they're best at.

Ha.

Well, you better get a jar

and you better drive it to the lab yourself.

Get on the stick, sister.

Okay, I'll do it.

( MUSIC PLAYING )

Who's a good boy?

Come on, buddy, we're gonna go see Daddy at the office.

Okay, buddy, go kennel. Oh, he's a good boy.

He's a good boy. Oh, I'm sorry, buddy.

Good boy, go kennel.

Good boy.

Okay.

That's Daddy's sperm.

Good boy. Stay.

¶ This is where we decide ¶

¶ To put it all behind ¶

¶ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ¶

You can't just drop by the office for a jar of sperm.

I'm taking the week off so that I could get knocked up

and so that I could neuter the dog.

Why didn't we get a labradoodle, like I wanted.

Now we've got this nutless mutt.

Don't call him that. He can hear you.

Look, honey, I get that the hormone shots

are making you moody.

Moody?

Do you realize that I have gained one pound

for every single day this week?

Look, sweetheart.

Mm-hm.

A man in my position can't just jerk off

in an equal opportunity workplace.

The lawyers told us this.

You have a private bathroom. What's that for?

Michael? It's not for that.

Oh, hey, speak of the devil.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't worry. I was just telling my wife

what a great place this is to work.

Hi.

You know, that equal pay for equal work

and blah blah blah.

( PHONE RINGING IN BACKGROUND )

Jessica's in reality.

Right. We have some awesome new shows.

We have this one that we call "Dancing With the Cons."

It's a contest show.

It's convicts singing and dancing.

And I'm telling you,

these convicts are surprisingly likeable

and really talented, right?

For, like, crooks.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Wow.

Well, so, this has been great, Jessica,

thanks very much and I'll be with you shortly.

Oh, sure.

Sorry.

Thanks. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. Super cute dog.

SUZANNE: Aw, thank you.

I like his little outfit.

( CLEARING THROAT )

She couldn't be more adorable.

Ha. Ha.

( CLEARING THROAT ) Wow, they just get younger

every year, don't they?

What's with the cookie poufed-up fakey lips?

Oh, oh, I like 'em. Fake is the new real.

Really?

You know what, though? I have been really distracted.

I'm sorry.

I know but we have to focus on this.

This is our life.

No, no, I'm focused. We have to get this together.

No, no, no, I'm focused. I'm focused.

When? When, when, when?

Well, on Thursday we have that therapy session at Beverley Hills.

Yes?

I'll go to the clinic after that and make a big old deposit, okay?

Promise?

Yeah, bucketful.

Oh, thank you. I love you.

All right.

It's four pounds from today, but I will take it.

You know what, baby? On you, it looks good.

No, it does not.

My grab handles right here.

Oh, don't call it that. I hate that.

I got to go. BooBoo, come on.

Yeah, get that dog outta here.

SUZANNE: He's a good boy, c'mon.

That is not a good boy. It's not even a boy.

Really, I don't even know why we're in couples therapy today

'cause we're actually really happy.

It's just that I'm trying to get pregnant

and we just sort of thought, you know, we'd come in

and do a little preventative something, you know.

I mean, it's not like we really have any issues.

It's probably just a waste of time.

( GIGGLING )

Well, Suzanne, as you know--

My God. Oh, my God.

You're leaving me.

You're leaving me. He's leaving me.

He's leaving me. He's leaving me.

He's leaving me. You're leaving me.

Suzanne, we've talked about

these hormone-induced mood swings you've been having.

No, no, this is not a hormone-induced mood swing.

This is how he fires people.

I've heard him do it on the phone.

He says this phrase, really calm, like,

"As you know, as you know,

like as you know, the ratings are bad.

As you know, profits are down,"

and then the poor son-of-a-bitch that he's firing,

he says it so many times that at the end of it,

he's, like, "I know, I know. I know.

I know, I know, I know, I know."

Suzanne, please sit down so we can work through this.

( SOBBING )

Michael.

Michael, would you like to address what Susan just said?

Yeah, of course.

It's Suzanne!

Of course.

Well, I wanted to harvest the eggs

because I'm really a strategic planner.

That's kind of my number one skill,

although I don't get any credit for it.

Mm-hm, but what about what Suzanne just said

about you leaving her?

Could you please address that?

Oh, I'm leaving her.

I decided months ago

but that's why I wanted to freeze the eggs.

I'm really the practical one in the relationship.

When she goes back on the marketplace,

then she can either get fertilized by, you know,

a sperm donor or, you know, the next partner.

It's really for her.

I realize I'm not gonna get any credit for that

and I'm actually fine with that.

Suzanne, could you please sit down again

so we can address this before we can move on?

Can't cancel me, Michael.

I'm not some death row talent show.

Oh, my God. This is making me sick.

Please.

I'm gonna be sick.

( VOMITING )

You know what?

These hormone injections were your idea.

You can have the credit.

And you can have the vomit

because I am so not cleaning that up.

( SOBBING )

I have to go.

( DOOR CLOSING )

All right, then.

Do I really have to clean this up?

I have a dog.

¶ Hey hey hey ¶

¶ I've been standing here ¶

( DOORBELL RINGING )

¶ Since you left me ¶

Hi. Suzanne Nicholson?

Yeah.

Happy 40th birthday!

Just need you to sign right there.

( indistinct ) figure out it was my birthday.

There you go.

Okay. Geez, that's funny.

I just don't know who would send me something like that.

From your husband.

What?

Okay, that's weird because we've had kind of a rough week

so I'm surprised that he would--

It's not that weird. You've been served.

¶ Hey hey hey ¶

¶ I'm feeling too old to Still be wishing on you ¶

¶ Hey hey ¶

LAWYER: Look, you did sign a prenup

but I'm confident I can get you some more.

I don't want his money.

( SNORTING )

I just-Jesus.

( PHONE RINGING IN BACKGROUND )

I make my own money.

That's why I'm on the tenure track

and it's not a ton of money but it's enough.

I'm gonna be fine.

You can't be serious about giving up the house, though?

All I want is the dog.

And trust me, he's not gonna want that

because it's not a frigging labradoodle

which is what he wanted.

I just--I swear to God I thought I had, like,

you know, like, an M&M in here or maybe,

like, a Hershey's Kiss left over from Halloween.

I just...

You know what?

You guys should just serve chocolate.

You should have big bowls of M&Ms.

I don't get the feeling you're paying attention.

Or squeeze bottles of Hershey syrup.

People could just do 'em like shooters.

That would work.

It's inhumane what you people are doing here.

It's like you're running an emergency room

without morphine.

( LAUGHING )

A-ha! Yes!

M&M.

( SPITTING )

All right, there's lint. There's lint in there.

There's something I need to tell you and--

I thought I had a Dove Bar.

I hate that I'm the one to have to say these words.

Ah, you know what? Let me guess.

He's sleeping with somebody else, right?

MICHAEL ON PHONE: Hey, Suzanne,

I wanted you to hear this from me.

I'm getting married to Jessica.

You met her. Oh, and also, she's pregnant.

Okay, bye.

Sherry, who's on 3? I thought we were--

When you met her, he said,

"Jessica, I'll be with you shortly."

And now he is.

Exactly right.

She's got those fake poufy Angelina husband-stealing lips.

Those are the lips that launched a thousand lips.

Ohh...

SUZANNE: I tell you what the worst thing about all this is.

Michael ends up being right.

I'm glad I have these stupid frozen eggs.

I'm always happy

when I have something in the freezer, you know?

A bean burrito, my genetic materials,

it's all good.

Right, if your life was a romantic comedy,

who would your sexy sperm donor be?

Hm, good one.

Oh, your dog gets sick and we go to the vet

and your vet is smokin'.

Vets are hot. Yeah.

Only problem is I have a female vet

so I'd have to get a male vet

and I've got to get him to masturbate into a jar.

It's very, very complicated.

Why am I smoking?

I don't know.

I don't even know how to smoke.

Look at me. I'm like a child.

I'll tell you what, I have not smoked in 10 years.

I've not had sex with strangers in 10 years.

And all I really want to do is eat.

I so could not get through this without chocolate.

We are getting you chocolate, sister.

Hang on.

¶ I don't know where to go ¶

¶ Or how to get to the place ¶

¶ We go to when we get Off the metro ¶

¶ And turn left ¶

¶ I don't know why He does these things ¶

¶ I don't know why You go with him ¶

¶ All the time ¶

¶ All the time ¶

¶ If you don't Want to unleash ¶

¶ This bitch that's in me ¶

¶ Stay away then ¶

¶ Stay away then ¶

¶ Stay away ¶

KIM ON PHONE: Okay, if I find out

you are breastfeeding that dog,

I am so having an intervention.

Please, just move in.

You don't have room for me, Kim.

We have the nanny's room.

SUZANNE ON PHONE: Where's Inga supposed to sleep?

Inga is gone.

She joined the Army and I'm not even kidding.

Apparently, Afghanistan is a cakewalk

compared to dealing with my kids.

Wow.

KIM: We don't want a live-in nanny.

We want a live-in divorced lady and her de-balled dog.

So where are you anyway?

I am sitting in my $400 baby jogger with BooBoo,

trying to teach him how to like it

so that we can go jogging together.

Okay, that's it. You're moving in.

Honey, I had to.

I love Suzanne. She's family.

I know, she's got her dog in a baby stroller.

( LAUGHING )

SUZANNE: We're getting a divorce.

He gets the house

and I get the coffee shop, I guess.

Wow.

I hope you guys can stay friends, you know.

You're both really nice people.

( CLEARING THROAT )

He cheated on me.

I never liked him.

Wish you would have said something.

JAROD: I should have said something.

You know what? That's on me.

I will not let you pay for that.

Jarod, I can't accept a free latté

just because my husband cheated on me.

Seriously, okay? I have to redeem my gender.

Also, you have a ( CLEARING THROAT ),

you have a little thing.

Oh, God.

Michael never tells me when I have a chocolate moustache.

Or when he's impregnating his co-workers.

( COUGHING )

Sorry.

That might have been more than you wanted to know.

SUZANNE: When discussing the airbrushed women in ads ,

my favorite quote is from Cindy Crawford who said,

"Even I don't look like Cindy Crawford in the morning."

( LAUGHING )

In a recent survey,

69% of women say they'd rather lose weight

than fall in love or get a raise.

I try to teach you guys to ignore ad images

but I'm a hypocrite.

This stuff gets to me too.

Andrea, be careful. Don't drop that.

Really?

I thought "Fragile" meant throw it down the stairs.

( indistinct ) It's like a Respect Festival.

It's so weird that your nanny joined the Army.

Oh!

What? I know.

Hey, stop it. Stop it.

Go and stop it.

Go.

Sophie, stay in the yard but away from me.

If Barnaby knocked up some skank co-worker,

I would do to him what the vet did to BooBoo,

only with the pliers and a butter knife.

Hi, this is not about you, okay?

This is about me

and how I have to rethink my entire life.

Okay.

You know what you should do?

You should finally write a book.

Oh. Yes.

Well, you teach, like, how women are always trying

to live up to these ridiculous images.

You always say this. I have no idea why.

I'm an agent.

I think you're interesting and I could make money.

Ooh, once again, about me. Yay!

Okay, I don't know if you're ready to hear this

but I'm gonna tell you anyway.

You need just to get out there and find yourself a real man.

I don't want anyone to see my grab handles

and my muffin top.

I would hurt a puppy to lose weight.

I would yell at kittens.

( LAUGHING )

I would skin a dolphin.

I just-I never thought

that I was gonna be dating again.

I'm like a born again virgin.

I don't know what to do on a first date.

Do you have sex? I don't know.

No.

It's like first date, it's like first base.

I never knew that. What is it?

Is that, like, they touch your boob?

That's-- No. It's not boobs.

First base is kissing.

Okay, second base is boobs.

I don't think that's right.

Yeah. I mean, you know what?

And we'll check it on Wikipedia right now.

Yeah, you do check it 'cause you know what?

I bet there's been sex inflation.

It's probably boob by now.

No. Uh-oh.

Ah, mm-hm.

First base is kissing.

Boob is second base.

Blow jobs are third.

What?

Oh, my God, there's so much stuff I didn't know.

Do you know what a grand slam is?

No.

Having sex four times with the same person in one night.

Ow. KIM: Yeah, ow.

Jeez. Okay.

Do you want to know what a vagumach is?

( GIGGLING )

No, you need to know this. What?

A vagumach is when your vagina and your stomach meet up.

That's what I have. No, you d--

Look at my vagumach. Agghhh!

That's not a vagumach.

I'm a vagumach. Do you like me?

You shut your vagumach. That's not a vagumach.

Ooh. And you know what?

When you're out there,

do not let yourself get pre-issed.

Ohh. Do you wanna know?

Mmm.

Pre-issed is when they stop moving.

They just fall asleep.

That's happened to me.

It does happen a lot. I've had that one.

It saves energy though.

It's not good.

GREGORY: So many celebrities come to me for weight loss.

Please, just sit on my balls.

This is the way nature intended us to sit.

There you are.

Now the key to weight loss is within our own bodies.

You see, your mind manufactured your fat.

Well, no, honestly, I think I manufactured it

with hormone injections and M&Ms so.

( LAUGHING ) That's a very cute thing to say

but that's something that your mind is telling you.

No, no, I think it's my fat telling me.

Oh, really, does your fat talk?

( EAST INDIAN ACCENT ) Is your fat

calling you from Mumbai right now? Uh?

( SOUTHERN ACCENT ) Or is your fat

some good old southern redneck cracker from Alabama

who's got nothing but time and liquor on his hands?

( BRITISH ACCENT ) Was your fat

one of those chaps who says, "I'm in hospital,"

instead of "In the hospital,"

'cause it doesn't have time to say articles

in the middle of a word?

I've no idea what you're talking--

'Course you don't have any idea what I'm talking about

but that's because I'm trained in this profession.

I am at--

( GONG SOUNDING )

A homeostasis, okay?

I'm at my ideal weight right now.

( LAUGHING ) I'm sorry.

To me-- Hmm.

You're just a little bit, not thin, you know?

I mean, no offense.

I don't want to hurt your feelings. I--

I am at my ideal weight right now.

But you're really not.

Okay, no, no.

What you're mistaking for too much weight

is actually called soft muscle.

Okay. See, if I was a woman right now,

I wouldn't even be able to menstruate.

My eggs would be all dry and just refusing to come out.

That's how lean I really am, right now.

Okay, I just--

You don't have to talk anymore.

Just lift up your shirt.

I want to talk to that fat of yours face-to-face.

I just don't really-- Just lift it up.

I've seen lots of this kind of thing.

Oh. Oh, my God.

Oh, Jesus.

I didn't expect to have that reaction.

I'm sorry. I can put it--

No, no. No, no, it's all good.

Well, look at that, you have a muffin top.

Hey, there, little muffin top.

How you doing, little muffin top?

What you got down there?

Is that blueberries or cranberries in there.

Ohh!

You know, I just really don't even know

why they have to call it a muffin top.

I just wish they'd call it a Satan top.

That's what it feels like to me.

Fine, fine. Satan top. Use that.

Look, your mind created this dis--

please, pull that down.

Your mind, it created that disgusting

blueberry-filled muffin top.

It is yours to name.

Okay.

I want you to send in to my lab your stool sample.

Eugh.

And most importantly, I want you to begin each day

by drinking two fluid ounces of your own urine.

What? No. Oh, God.

Oh, I can't, I can't, I can't, no.

Now, look, it's simple to do this.

All you do, most of my clients they just take it,

they take the two ounces,

they dump it in their morning latté,

just chuck it down.

Never even know the difference.

Others make themselves what they call a "pee tea"

and heat it in the kettle on that stove.

Because Gandhi drank his morning pee

every single morning.

Mahatma Gandhi?

Yes, and now think back to how thin Gandhi was.

Okay.

Hold on. Stay on the ball.

Now, I need you to mail me your stool sample

in this envelope.

It is self-sealing.

Do not do as many people do and lick it.

And this, right here, these are your supplements.

SUZANNE: All right. Okay.

I'll do it.

It really was a pleasure to meet you.

Thank you. It was so nice-thank you.

I'm truly grateful.

Oh, look, sorry. I'm just not--

I would stand first, but in my culture,

it's appropriate for women to stand before men.

Look, I just--I'm not good at the ball thing but I--

thank you.

Thank you so much. I'm really grateful.

Mmm.

You will be pretty someday.

It's our new house, buddy. What do you think?

Want to give Mommy kisses?

BooBoo, give Mommy a kiss.

Oh, there's a kissy.

Oh, not with the tongue.

That's confusing to Mommy.

Oh, yeah.

Come on, you son of a bitch.

Oh, Jesus.

Here, let me. No, no.

I'm so sorry.

That was so weird. I just--

I have this thing where, like, if I don't see it go in,

I just Gaslight myself,

like this old black and white movie.

Yeah, where Charles Boyer tries to make Ingrid Bergman

think she's crazy. Yes.

I love that movie.

Me too.

I thought I was the only person

who Gaslights themselves at the mailbox.

I totally do that.

It's just some stupid crap I have to send,

I'm treating it like it's gold.

Did it go in there? Am I crazy?

Yeah, it's just some crap.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Morning.

( GIGGLING ) See ya.

Decaf, double shot, no foam, skinny latté

with extra room like you asked for it three times

even though I heard you the first time.

Thank you.

Oh no, you don't. What? I-what?

JAROD: I saw what you poured in that.

That is a decaf, non-fat, skinny pee pee latté.

How on earth did you even know?

I run a coffee shop in West L.A.

I see every crazy diet fad that comes in here

and that Gregory tells people to spend $300

to drink their own urine?

I mean, no wonder they lose weight.

They go through the day too disgusted to eat.

They lose weight?

Seriously, that's all you heard

from what I just said?

All right, I'm gonna make you another latté.

Look, I-- Oh, you know what?

You-that's mine. You've-that's mine.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, no, wait a minute. Good news.

We ordered exactly the same thing.

Here, here's mine. I didn't touch it.

Take that, we're fixed.

No, it's not fixed because that's mine

and it's very special.

No, look, it's okay.

I already put my fixings in so you take that one

and it's a win-win.

It's seriously not a win-win because it's mine

and I just really would--

I know that we don't know each other

but I'm just gonna say something here.

I think I understand what you're going through.

You are afraid of change, right?

No. Of losing control,

so you fixate on the idea of ownership of objects.

You know, I'm gonna do you a favor, okay?

I'm taking your latté and I'm giving you freedom.

You're gonna thank me, you are.

Oh, mm-mm.

I'm tasting your freedom.

So not my freedom you're tasting.

ELISE CHATTING: Hey, it's Elise.

You have to see our boss's latest video.

Deborah is so crazy.

Oh, and don't forget,

tonight we have to do her creepy cable access show.

DEBORAH ON YOUTUBE: I really don't trust a feminist

who wears red lipstick.

Why would you paint an orifice?

And who can take what comes out of a painted orifice seriously?

Women are manipulated.

Read: man-ipulated.

Think about the Washington Monument.

Now that's just an enormous phallus.

If we had an Eleanor Roosevelt Tunnel,

we would have had a woman president years ago.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER ON TV: Malibu Beach University,

Women's Studies Department,

presents "Feminist Television."

With today's guests,

actress Marcia Wallace from "The Simpsons,"

from Project Cover Girl,

and Dr. Suzanne Nicholson.

And our host, department chair,

Dr. Deborah Humpries-Hostetler

bestselling author of "Aging Gratefully."

( APPLAUSE )

And we are back.

Now, ladies, I would like to ask

how you feel about the current epidemic

of female self-mutilation through plastic surgery.

Oh, hon, count me among the self-mutilators.

See my neck? I hated it.

Had more rings than an old redwood.

So I went in and had a nip tuck me

and now I love it.

Well, Marcia, you are an actress

and obviously you felt pressure

from the male-dominated media.

No, hated my neck so I fixed it.

As a transgender person, I've had some work done.

Well, it's all drag anyway, isn't it?

( LAUGHING ) Amen, sister.

Haaa!

Why don't you tell us a little more

what you mean when you say, "It's a drag"?

No, not "a drag." "Drag," men and women.

We're all drag queens.

Oh.

I mean, come on, no one's natural.

I don't judge anybody's drag.

True feminism should be complete control

of your own body whether it's abortion or Botox.

I am sorry, but that is a complete insult

to the feminist movement.

I'm sorry.

But do you run the feminist movement?

Well, my dear, my books are all about

how the beauty oligarchy destroys women's self-esteem.

Now I do not color my hair.

I do not wear make-up and I will never,

ever mutilate myself with cosmetic surgery.

Oh, I'm sorry, dude.

Just because you wrote a book

automatically makes you the boss of all of us?

Well, I'm sorry, dude,

but maybe because you used to be a man

you don't understand.

Oh, that's it, play the man card with me.

Just because I used to be a man,

you're gonna use me as the proverbial bad guy, I see.

You know, I have to say--

Oh, mercy.

Hear that? Cut! Cut! Cut.

'Scuse me!

( LAUGHING )

That Deborah.

It's just, well, the "C" word.

Hey. Closed-minded.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Unless she can hear me 'cause I'm super scared of her.

Oh, she can just bite me.

She can just bite me.

Let's talk about something more cheerful.

Are you seeing anyone yet?

No. No.

Come on, you know what they say

about falling off the horse.

You've got to get back in the saddle again.

Hah!

I keep telling her she just has to go out there

and get that first time over with.

I actually say that sex after a break-up

is like the first waffle.

You know, if it's no good, you throw it out.

But it gets the iron ready for the other waffles.

My iron is ready.

I've been spraying it with non-stick hormones.

( LAUGHING )

CHRISTINA: This is probably different

but when I first started taking hormone therapy,

all of a sudden every man I saw

was, like, ridiculously doable.

Right.

If I were in your shoes,

I'd do it with one of the oh,

5,000 smoking hot young men on that campus.

A student?

The simple fact is there is no human

more grateful than a 20-something-year-old man

you just slept with.

Hey, I got the inside perspective on that one.

Hello.

Oh, I got a early call tomorrow, I should go.

My private cell.

If you would like a makeover for the first waffle,

it's on me.

Thank you.

Yeah! Waffles for all my friends!

Oh, hon, I don't think this drinking thing's

gonna work out for you.

Hey, sure.

I've never been drunk before ever.

My cheeks are so numb. Are they turning pink?

KIM: I found this awesome dating service

called "It's Just Drinks."

You're not serious?

It is, "It's Just Drinks."

Terrible idea. It's a great idea.

I already signed us up and paid for us both.

We are not doing it. You are married.

Look, I just want to check out what my current market value is

when I'm not driving a minivan covered in

"My Little Pony" stickers, okay?

And Barnaby, he's super cool with it.

Oh, I'm sure he's very cool, yeah.

He is super cool with anything that gets me to shave

above the knee, all right?

Oh, well, that I could believe.

( MUSIC PLAYING )

So let's mix, mingle and remember, it's just drinks.

Ha, ha.

You're a car salesman, that's awesome.

Good for you.

What will it take for you to say "Yes"

to sleeping with me tonight?

( LAUGHING )

Huh?

( LAUGHING )

Well, I don't know. How about a tsunami?

MAN: So in addition to running my own hedge fund,

I am also a plushie.

I don't know what that is.

Oh, I like to dress in a furry pink rabbit suit

that has a hole cut into it for my genitalia.

Hah!

Must get cold.

What are you driving these days?

I'm driving a Ford. I got to go.

I'll-thank you. Suzanne sounds European.

You should be in a European car.

I'm just saying.

Well, thank you.

I'll call you in three years when my visa's up, okay.

Thank you.

So, how was "It's Just Drinks"?

It was just horrible.

Oh, oh.

I love you so much.

And please, please, please, don't ever leave me.

Don't ever make me go. I won't.

Oh.

She shaved her legs.

I did. I did. Both of them.

( KISSING )

I'm happy for you.

BARNABY: I'll take it.

( KISSING ) Mmm, thank you.

SUZANNE: You were at my wedding.

You could have said something.

LINDA: What am I gonna say?

Great dress. Run for your life?

Besides, you loved him.

I know.

You know what?

I am gonna fix you up with a genuinely good guy.

Ohh. No, no, no.

This guy's new professor to the department.

He's divorced. He's lovely.

It's not on. He's luh-vely.

Trust me.

I am very good at this.

And besides, he couldn't be worse than the guy you picked.

You know what?

I just wish I could stop thinking about them

all the time. It's all I think about.

Hi.

Oh.

Um, you know, I always really did admire you.

When I was an undergraduate, I actually took your class.

Then you took my husband.

Ha, ha.

No, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey.

Cut it out.

( PHONE RINGING )

Hello? Yeah, no, I'm good.

Did that actually happen?

No.

( LAUGHING )

In my head, it happened.

( LAUGHING )

Well, it should have.

¶ I don't know why He does these things ¶

Listen, people usually go out for coffee on a first date

but you and I have had coffee,

like, a ridiculous amount of times.

Plus, I saved you from drinking your own pee,

which I think should count for something.

So I was wondering...

could I cook dinner for you at my place?

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah.

Good.

KIM [ON PHONE]: So when did Jarod start serving waffles

in that coffee shop?

Mmm, first waffle.

Shut up. KIM: He's, like, what? Twelve?

No, I think he's 30.

KIM: And I can't believe you are going to a tranny

for a sex makeover.

Where's Jarod taking you anyway?

He's making me dinner.

KIM: In his Easy-Bake oven?

That is so cute.

Shut up.

( LAUGHING )

Now quality lingerie is to 40-year-old sex

what MI semiautomatic rifles were to D-Day.

What?

You can't go in unarmed and you can't go in naked.

Oh. I love war analogies.

I get it.

Okay. Men.

It's all about the hair and the boobs.

So whatever you can do to get your hair big, do it.

Okay. Now, as for the boobs--

Yeah. Same as the hair.

Men like big boobs.

They can never be too big. Right.

And since you're gonna keep your bustier on,

we're gonna kick it up a notch.

( LAUGHING ) With these.

Oh, my God.

Chicken cutlets. Hold that.

Let me get these girls in here.

Hello, mama.

Wow. I know.

Ooh, cold.

Ah, I know it's cold, honey, but look.

Bam!

Maximum firepower right there.

Wow.

Now the reason I got you in shapewear--

Yeah. Is to boost your confidence.

Ohh.

You don't like your tummy or your thighs

so we're gonna direct him up here

to the girls. Right.

Yo, and the most important part.

Here you go. Spread 'em.

There's a pee flap pull-out.

Check it out. Okay.

It's very handy.

It's like a puppet.

Hello, I'm old and desperate.

Okay, so if the clothes are gonna come off--

Okay. Go in the bathroom.

You lose the shapewear.

You've got your underpants on so you're good.

Right, right.

You check your teeth, you fluff your hair bigger.

Yeah. And you're gonna be good to go.

Oh, I dunno. It's a lot to remember.

I just don't feel like I can do this.

Well, of course, you can and you know what?

I made you a checklist.

Do not, I repeat, do not take off the heels

and do not take off the bustier.

What if he asks me to?

You tell him no.

Believe me, it's not a deal-breaker for him.

Bam.

JAROD: You're really pretty.

SUZANNE: Hah.

JAROD: Do you mind if I say that?

No.

Oh, I-sorry, I have to,

uh, just have to go to the bathroom.

Oh. Okay. It's right there.

Need to take my purse for girlie stuff.

Take your purse.

¶ A little spark ¶

¶ A smile and then a look ¶

¶ You caught my eye ¶

¶ And that was all it took ¶ ( SUZANNE GRUNTING )

Oh, jeez.

Oh, my God!

( GROANING )

( SLAPPING )

Hey!

Go away.

Are you okay? Yeah. No, I'm good.

I'll just be out in one second.

( SLAPPING )

JAROD: Do you need anything or...

No, I'm good.

I'll just-- just two seconds.

Sorry.

( WHIMPERING )

It's fine.

¶ I can't get enough ¶

¶ It all just seems so nice ¶

¶ It all sure feels good To be alive ¶

( SQUEALING )

JAROD: Oh, my God.

( GIGGLING )

Agh!

Oh, God, oh, there's something--

It's a hair thing. I got it.

Let me get it. I got it, I got it.

Okay. I got it.

It's a Bumpit. It's a hair thing.

It's for making my hair big.

Oh. Thank you.

I'm so sorry. Cool. It's like a hair toy.

That's fine. It's weird.

It's not weird. It's all right.

Hey, let's take this off.

No! No.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

Is that weird?

I would rather-- It's fine. No, I like it.

Really? Yeah, yeah.

Mmm.

Oh, my God.

Do you mind-- let's go under the covers.

I'm really, really cold, okay?

Okay.

( GIGGLING )

JAROD: Oh! ( SCREAMING )

Oh, God. ( SCREAMING )

SUZANNE: What? What? What?

Shh, get out. Get out of there.

There's something might be alive in there.

What?

There's something that might be alive. Shh!

What is it? ( indistinct )

Oh, God! ( SCREAMING )

Shit! Oh, God.

Jesus, hold on, hold on.

Shh. What is it?

Oh, God.

What is it?

It's a boob thing. It's my boob thing.

I just-ohh.

Wait, what are you-- what's--

It's a fake boob thing. I wear it and I--

Why do you have a fake boob thing?

Your boobs look awesome. Stupid.

God, I'm an idiot.

You know what? I'm just--

I'm just not ready for this.

I just feel stupid and old.

You're not old.

Hey, you don't need all this shit.

I mean, it's-- I liked it.

I mean, it's actually pretty cool but--

it's kind of nice.

It just-- it freaked me out.

It felt like an alien heart.

( LAUGHING )

I'm sorry.

I just-- you know what it is?

I just really have not had sex with anyone

except my husband for, like, a decade.

My ex-husband,

my ex-husband.

Hey, I have an idea.

What?

Shut up. Just lie down.

Just stay there.

( KISSING )

Oh, you know what? You don't have to.

Shh. I like it, okay?

Actually, I love it.

And I'm really good at it.

Like, really good at it. So just relax.

Oh, yes, you are.

KIM: He did a sacrifice fly?

SUZANNE: What?

You know, he just did you.

(INDISTINCT)

Yeah? I reciprocated.

Ah, yes.

An inside-the-park home run.

Give it, c'mon, give it.

Good for you.

Oh, God.

See, wasn't that a good idea?

Yes. Thank you.

It was. Thank you very much.

KIM: Did he want to snuggle after?

He wanted to snuggle with me

and one stuffed animal.

'Cause he's a big boy now.

( indistinct ) the other one.

He's a big boy now.

Hey! Mm?

You want to go get some ice cream?

Ye-es! I have some in my freezer.

Sweet. Let's go, let's go.

I hope you like mint chocolate chip.

So we'll have to call it an early night.

I got finals.

You're not a student. What are you talking about?

JAROD: I'm getting my MBA

through Malibu Beach Extension and stuff.

Really?

Hey, are you, like, a big fan of that actress,

Marcia Wallace?

I mean, sort of, she's my mom, so.

Seriously? Yeah.

God, that's funny.

She actually told me to sleep with a student.

She probably didn't mean you.

My mom said that?

Yeah. Funny, ain't it?

( GIGGLING )

Mm-hm.

MARCIA: Jarod, you home?

Oh, hi, doll.

Hi.

Well, now, isn't this awkward?

KIM: Are you serious?

Yes.

Okay, but then what happened?

SUZANNE: Oh, God, then she yelled at me.

KIM: It was her idea.

Yeah, you're right. I would've killed you too.

SUZANNE: Yeah.

I wish she would have killed me.

I'm probably gonna go get changed.

I would. Yeah.

Thank you so much. I'm so sorry.

I just-I gotta go.

Not another word.

I hope you can go out with him again,

unless he's grounded.

( LAUGHING ) He's grounded.

He could get grounded.

He could get grounded.

SUZANNE: God.

It's like a horror movie.

"Revenge of the Chocolate" or something.

¶ Muffin top muffin top ¶

¶ You've got a muffin top ¶

¶ Muffin top ¶

¶ Ba-dum-bum-bum ¶

¶ Muffin top muffin top ¶

¶ You've got a muffin top ¶

That's it. You are so fired.

( LAUGHING )

I gotta go.

Okay. I'll see you.

Bye, honey.

Ooh, remember, don't knock up the co-workers.

Don't worry.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye. See you soon.

Okay.

( CLEARING THROAT ) I'm getting liposuction.

I know it's stupid. I know I don't need it.

I just want it. I just want it.

I want it the way a middle aged man

wants a Mercedes Benz.

So what do you think?

You had me at "I'm getting liposuction."

SUZANNE Did you get my message?

I just want to do the Angelina husband-stealing lip pouf.

All right.

I read this in Wikipedia.

You can take the fat that you are gonna take

directly out of my butt--

DOCTOR: Uh-hm.

And you can put it into my lips.

So people can actually kiss my ass.

( LAUGHING )

Okay, so what's happening now is the meds are kicking in.

I feel good.

I can see that. That's wonderful.

You know, we're not gonna have this conversation,

though, about-- Can we please just do it?

I'm here. No, we can't please do it.

I will give you money.

We're not gonna have the conversation about, you know,

what procedures we're gonna do or not gonna do.

We're not gonna do that right now.

( CRYING ): Did I tell you

that the woman that stole my husband

has those lips, those-- they're beautiful.

Okay.

I'm gonna give you a temporary injection

into your lips of saline.

That is going to give you the pouf that you're talking about.

Thank you. It's temporary.

Is that my fat?

DOCTOR: It is your fat, yes. SUZANNE: Ahh!

DOCTOR: Say goodbye. Wave goodbye to your fat.

SUZANNE: It's yellow. DOCTOR: Yes, it is.

It's like butter. Yeah.

Which is perfect because that's where I got it.

DOCTOR: Mm-hm.

Can I keep my fat?

Can I keep it?

Suzanne, if you sign a release,

I will give you your fat.

Oh, thank you.

'Cause, God knows, it is your fat.

Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah, keep your hands down.

That face mask looks so pretty on you.

KIM: All right, pretty lady, we're home.

C'mon.

We're home? Yeah, come on.

Come on.

( indistinct )

Come on, BooBoo.

Yeah, hi, BooBoo.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay, okay, okay.

Do not drop that.

It's my fat. All right.

I made it.

I know you made it.

And you know what?

Do we need to bring it inside?

I don't-- no, no, no.

Aghh! Okay.

Oh, yeah, you showed him, huh?

That was Michael, huh?

Okay, come on, there we go, okay.

Don't--

Are we home yet?

All right, here we go.

Come on, here we go.

Here we go.

This'll be fun, fun night, huh?

Yeah.

KIM: We're almost there.

Okay, you did it.

Yay, you!

All right, let's just get this off.

Okay, there.

All right, can you just-- no, just help a little bit.

All right.

Okay.

Okay, oh, wow, okay, that's convenient, huh?

Yeah. Lucky you.

All right. Oh, okay, there you go.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I can do it, I can do it.

I know, you're high as a kite.

Come here.

I'm so tired.

I know you're tired.

Get in it.

All right.

There you go.

Hey, okay.

All right. At that New Year's Eve party,

did you or did you not sleep with John Brady?

Uh-huh? Yeah.

I knew it.

I got to call Marilyn.

I knew it.

KIM: Hey, Suzanna-ranna-danna-banana.

Time to get up, lipohead.

Come on.

Hey, Suze.

Did you forget you're speaking on a panel today?

Morning.

Oh, God.

Honey, you got to get up here.

Okay, we got a slight problem.

Just a slight problem, but don't worry.

I called the doctor and she said that it's just an allergic reaction

to the lidocaine in the saline solution.

And that you don't need to worry about a thing

because it's gonna go down.

What's gonna go down?

It's gonna go down.

Oh, my God!

What happened?

Eventually, I mean, not today, but it will go down.

It will. ( CRYING )

No, don't panic, though, honey.

Don't panic. Don't panic.

We can fix this.

Accessories.

What? Yes.

No. It's all about accessorizing.

Okay, here. Huh?

What? Hey.

Oh, is that the croc hunter?

No, okay, look.

Oh, my God. There. Huh?

That's-it's stupid.

It draws the eyes upwards.

I got it. Here we go, here we go.

Look at this, look at this, huh?

What? Huh?

I don't want to ( indistinct ).

No one's gonna say anything.

It's racist if they did.

Hello. What's she do to me?

She said it was only gonna be temporary.

No, it is temporary.

It's just-actually, I just want you to shut up.

Oh, my God, what happened to you?

Linda, we're having a little nip tuck situation.

Didn't you get my message?

No, what? Remember that guy,

that new professor I was gonna set you up with?

Yeah. He's here.

Oh, my God. He's on the panel.

No, please don't say that.

Oh, no, no, no. Just don't talk, don't talk.

It's a panel. She has to talk.

Don't know why it itches so much.

Okay, honey, okay. Calm down.

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Dr. Cameron Scott.

Cameron Scott, this is Suzanne.

Oh, my God.

CAMERON SCOTT: Jane Austen,

arguably the most widely read English novelist in history,

never actually put her name on her work because--

writing novels was considered vulgar as a woman.

Every single one of her books was published as simply,

"By a lady."

Suzanne, what are your thoughts?

( LAUGHING )

Women writers have been completely ignored.

( LAUGHING )

Cut it out. What?

I'm really not trying to be funny.

I just--

Stop it. Why is everybody laughing?

¶ I don't wanna be Someone else ¶

¶ I only wanna be myself ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

SUZANNE: The personal is political.

Can a feminist get plastic surgery?

To me, feminism means I'm in charge of all my own decisions about my own body,

even the stupid ones.

( LAUGHING )

This is two pounds of my liposucted ass fat.

( GROANING )

I know, gross.

And I also had a temporary lip pouf,

which, thank God, has gone away.

I've spent my entire academic career

studying pop culture

and, as of last week, I became pop culture.

( LAUGHING )

( MUSIC PLAYING )

WOMAN: Ooh.

SUZANNE: Internet video has made it possible

for anyone to be a celebrity overnight.

More people watched this adorable dancing Pomeranian

than watched the network news.

And more people saw me than the dog.

Which means that my humiliation

was actually bigger news than the news.

When you are going viral, you have no idea.

You're just living your life,

clueless that your worst nightmare has come true.

Millions of people are laughing at you

because somebody captured your most embarrassing moment

and is showing it to the whole world.

Your viral video has five million views.

Awesome.

No, Andrea, it is not awesome.

That isn't the definition of "awesome."

The Grand Canyon is awesome.

Go clean your room. Go read a dictionary.

I hate you. Good.

That's what I was going for.

You know, Suzanne, I found this in your room and--

( GIGGLING ) I was just wondering,

is there something you want to tell me?

You know what? It's a weight loss device.

Oh, it is? Look at how skinny I'm getting.

Oh, stop it. Just stop it.

( PHONE RINGING ) I will. Fine.

Oh, hang on.

Oh, God.

It's Hayes, my attorney, we're closing this thing.

Hi.

What?

Are you kidding me? Oh my--

What? What did he say?

What did he say?

After I gave on the 401(k)? Are you kidding me?

What?

Look, listen, I have an agent here.

Hang on one second.

Michael wants his fancy blender back and,

if he doesn't get it back, he's gonna go for dog custody.

He cannot have BooBoo. We will fight this.

( WHIMPERING )

SUZANNE: Okay.

He says that for sure, he would get half-time custody.

You know what? Hayes, fine, screw it.

Just close it. Let him have it.

He's not getting my dog.

Thanks.

I can't believe it.

I will get the blender to him.

I'll make sure he gets it.

( MUSIC PLAYING )

Hi.

Hi.

I knew you were gonna cheat on me.

What?

Oh.

( LAUGHING ) Yeah, I did cheat on you.

Listen, I'm really sorry.

I get it. I get it. I get it.

We're not gonna date.

But I wanted to say I'm sorry, though,

for that scene with my mom.

Oh, well--

You know, she's very dramatic.

And she's an actress, so what are you gonna do?

I really enjoyed it.

You.

Me too.

I thought so, you know,

based on your reaction at the time.

Yeah. ( LAUGHING )

I don't see why we can't be friends.

Plus, you must be jonesing for a decent latté.

I mean, no other barista can satisfy you the way I can.

That is true.

True. Thank you very much.

And thank you.

Okay, look. I don't care what it costs.

It has to be delivered upright and only to Michael Nicholson.

It's a very special package for a very special person.

Enjoy, you douche bag.

And Marcia Wallace called again, like, five times.

Really? Yeah.

I'm just gonna email her.

Okay, but you did get a big bouquet of flowers

from the Cheswick Fair Magazine

saying congrats on the viral video.

What's that about?

I don't know, but they're gorgeous.

Wow.

Oh, also, Michael called again.

He sounded really pissed.

Ohh! Jesus.

( PHONE RINGING )

( LAUGHING )

Hi.

You are sick, Suzanne. You need professional help.

I'll have you know

I've taken out a restraining order.

Really? Against my fat?

You know what? Knock yourself out.

God.

Jeez.

Ah, I can smell it.

Aghh.

Elba, clean this shit up.

So did Michael get his little gift package?

Yeah. Good one, Kim.

He's filing a restraining order on me, okay?

And, uh-uh, I have bigger problems

than you provoking my ex.

Marcia Wallace is actually stalking me.

What?

I'm not kidding.

I have to go. I have to go.

Bye. Bye.

( STEALTHY MUSIC )

Oh. Suzanne.

Hi. It's Cameron.

Cameron Scott. Yeah.

I almost didn't recognize you.

Without my crazy clown lips?

( LAUGHING )

I do like these better.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry--

I'm really sorry and I--

( BOTH LAUGH )

Sorry. I guess that's taken care of.

Listen...

I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner with me.

Uh, insert lame excuse here.

Sorry?

Men always make some lame excuse

for why they're asking a pretty woman out to dinner.

Like, seeing that it's a solar eclipse or something.

( GIGGLING )

So I thought I'd maximize my chances

and let you pick the lame excuse.

But pick something persuasive.

I'd love to spend time with you.

Yes. I-yeah, I'd love to.

Really? Yeah.

Great.

When are you free?

Are you parked under this building?

Yes.

Okay, this is gonna sound really weird.

But I'm being stalked by a sitcom star

and I could really use a ride.

I hate when that happens.

( LAUGHING )

Sure, let's go.

I don't know where but let's go.

Yeah.

( MUSIC PLAYING )

CAMERON: Wow.

You'll do a lot to get away from a beloved TV icon

whose kids you've shagged.

He's not a kid. He's-he's 22.

Oh, God, why did I tell you that?

I'm glad you did.

I'm going to get a lot of mileage out of that.

Really? Is that what you think?

It's what I hope.

What I'm wondering is,

if I'm the rebound guy from the rebound guy,

what are my chances?

How scary is your mom?

She's five feet.

You can take her.

( LAUGHING )

Then we're good.

I just had a great idea.

What?

How do you feel about weddings?

Oh, God.

Kind of like how boat people feel about boats.

It's just that tomorrow I'm supposed to go to

my ex-wife's new husband's pregnant daughter's wedding.

Jeez. And I was wondering

if you'd want to be my date.

Mmm, no.

You can meet my whole crew,

including my snarly body-sprayed teenage son, Ian.

That sounds deeply unappealing.

I just really don't think I want to go.

My divorce is ridiculously friendly.

And my ex-wife's new husband worries that I'm lonely.

Oh, my God.

Well, I guess you think that just because I'm naked

I'm the kind of girl you can take to a wedding

on a second date.

But the thing is, I don't even have anything

to wear at a wedding.

The bride is eight months gone.

Trust me, it's not that formal.

Okay.

Fine, I'll go.

I'll go. Thank you.

SUZANNE: Hey, Kim, I won't be home again tonight.

I'm going to a wedding.

I know, I said I hate weddings

but maybe they're better with a better guy.

He's so nice.

( MUSIC PLAYING )

( SQUEALING )

( MUSIC CONTINUING )

It's just great how you all are so friendly with each other.

Cameron moved to Boston when I had some business there.

Trevor's a big success in the profit business.

And so Ruth and I came here when he got his professorship.

It's better for Ian, you know, if we're all together.

Oh. IAN: Yeah.

This wedding is so gay.

CAMERON: In this instance,

gay means lame.

Dad, no one says lame.

Lame is gay.

RUTH: So sorry, he's being dreadful.

CAMERON: I have to keep reminding myself

my sweet boy's in there somewhere.

You're an actually nice man, aren't you?

I think so.

Is that unattractive?

No.

( LAUGHING )

What we have to do now is to find someone for Cameron,

you know, so that he doesn't feel

like such a third wheel when we go on holiday together.

( LAUGHING ) You all go on holiday together, I see.

Trevor has a private jet.

No, no, I just lease one.

Does the trick.

Wouldn't it be wonderful, darling,

if these two, you know, made a go of it?

( LAUGHING )

Yes.

How long's it been, Cameron?

Forty-four hours and nine minutes.

( LAUGHING )

Right, right.

Well, probably a bit early to say yet

but here's to the success.

Here's to success. Thank you.

No pressure.

( LAUGHING ) Yeah.

It's really just almost scary

how nice you people are to each other.

Well, the fact that there's been a divorce

doesn't mean to say there's got to be any unpleasantness.

Really?

That was not my experience.

Suzanne, I knew I'd find you here.

Yeah, every afternoon.

Yeah, it's kind of our secret spot.

So don't tell anybody I told you

but we had your initial tenure hearing

and Deborah wants you out.

What?

ELISE: This can't be happening.

Are you serious? You're not--

Yeah, I'm serious as a vampire bite,

you are O-U-T.

She's my mentor. This can't be happening.

She's really pissed that you got a lipo

and did a lecture on it.

What about my, you know, the personal is political?

That's how I teach. That's what she teaches.

She says you're not a real feminist.

Oh. What?

Yeah, we vote on Friday. She is gunning for you.

This is just like when we were in high school

and all the popular kids went on the big senior trip

but we stayed home because we didn't go

and then we looked at the yearbook

and we were, like, "Oh, my God, that looked like so much fun,

I wish we would have gone."

But then the popular kids were like,

"You should have gone. I mean, it was so much fun."

But if we'd gone, we would have just gotten hives

and would have gone to the hospital.

Don't you see, that's what this is?

No, it's about the lipo.

You know what she says

about the surgical mutilation of women.

Look, I got a breast reduction.

What? 'Cause they were too big.

I had to. I stuff my bra for work.

No one knows.

I wouldn't have known.

You stuff your bra for work?

Okay, stop looking at 'em.

Yes, ma'am. And keep it to yourself.

We'll say nothing.

Thank you.

Sorry, girl.

Thank you.

They look so real.

I never knew. I never knew.

She's enormous breasts, still.

It's crazy.

RECORDER VOICE: Call incoming.

Unknown caller.

Hello?

Hi, I'm calling for Peter Durton.

Did you get the flowers?

( LAUGHING ) Why, yes.

But I have no idea why.

They're from Peter.

He's in town for the Oscars

and he would like to set up a drinks with you

at his private screening room

to discuss a book deal through his publishing arm.

I'm sorry, do I know you?

( LAUGHING ) Not me.

Peter Durton, the editor of Cheswick Fair Magazine.

He also does books.

He rents a private screening room

to watch the nominated films.

He has a suite at the Peninsula

but it always gets him depressed.

So and he can't possibly watch the movies

on a regular television, oh, that's a nightmare.

Anyway, can you do Tuesday at 4?

I'm sorry, how does he even know me?

From the Internet, obviously.

Congrats on that, by the way.

Hence the flowers.

Ah.

Tuesday at 4. We'll see you.

I'm so glad you came by. Can you stay for dinner?

Maybe. Yeah.

What a day.

She was my mentor, you know?

I was counting on this.

Well, you've got alimony, I'm guessing.

No.

We had a prenup and I didn't fight it

'cause I didn't really want to get paid by somebody

to not have sex with them, you know?

That's ethical.

I admire that but clearly you need more wine.

Clearly.

I dunno, maybe this Peter Durton thing

will turn out to be something.

You're going?

Yeah.

You're not upset, are you?

Date anyone you like.

It's not a date, okay?

His assistant said it's drinks.

In his private screening room

because he's bored of his luxury hotel suite.

It sounds like a date.

Lunch is a meeting.

Drinks in a screening room is a date.

Please tell me that you are trying to be funny.

No, I'm dead serious.

But then again, I'm just the rebound from the rebound.

There's a whole world out there.

I just-- I thought you were the nice guy.

Is it not Monday?

No, it is.

Good to see you, buddy. You remember Suzanne.

Hi.

Oh, yeah, sure. Hi, I guess.

Is she staying for dinner?

No. No, I can't.

Thanks. I have to go actually.

Thank you, though.

We can talk later, right?

Yeah, I'll give you a call.

Bye, Ian.

Later.

( DOOR CLOSING )

That looked gay.

What happened?

She has a date with a billionaire

who has a screening room.

That sucks.

Yeah. That it does.

I can't believe Deborah wants to give you the ax because you had lipo

when it's so obvious that she's had Botox

and her hair colored.

Really? How do you know that?

The same way I know you had Botox.

God, like, how do you even--

I am like CSI of beauty.

I know everything.

Mm.

Is there a night where Deborah doesn't book

any events at school?

Yeah, tonight.

That's her "me" time.

Oh, I bet.

Well, we're going on a beauty stakeout

'cause she's a goddamn hypocritical skank in call "O."

I've no idea what you're talking about.

Just trust me.

We're gonna blackmail her bony ass.

( STEALTHY MUSIC )

( DOOR OPENING )

Get her. Film it.

( WHISPERING ) My God. That's Dr. Delaney.

She's the one that did my lipo.

( WHISPERING ) Yeah. She's the best in ( indistinct ) Botox.

Ha, ha, ha.

All right, let's go look.

Yeah, let's go. I'll film it.

Okay, you film it.

What is it?

Botox. God.

Aging gratefully, my ass.

She's such a hypocrite.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

You know, I can't wait to see

the look on her Botoxed face.

We are gonna nail her.

We already did.

You're a genius.

The March issue closes today.

You need to understand Peter's time is very valuable.

Oh, don't call him Peter.

What do I call him?

Nothing.

If he asks you to say something to him, say it.

Otherwise, no name.

Okay, no names.

And don't look at the house.

It belongs to someone ridiculously famous.

Do not look at the house.

You can see but don't look.

And if he offers you something to eat, eat it,

even if you're allergic or whatever.

We'll get you medical attention.

He's very proud of his food.

Watch your step. Don't look.

Okay, I'm not looking.

Jeez.

( GROWLING )

I'm Peter. You can call me Peter.

We need champagne.

You like Dom?

You know, actually, I never had it.

This is the good Dom.

There's bad Dom?

There's regular Dom which is good.

Uh-huh. Then there's the good Dom.

Thank you.

( INHALING )

Oh, my God. Oh, that's nuts.

That's, like, amazing.

Told you so. Yeah.

So, I want you, to write a book for me.

Oh.

Angelique, cheese.

( INHALING )

Mmm.

You'll do good media.

I'm into thin slicing.

I don't know what that is actually.

It's snap judgments based on my instincts.

Oh.

I didn't even need to see your whole viral video.

I get you.

He gets you.

He gets you without listening to you.

That's why he's so genius.

His genius is that he doesn't listen?

He hears without listening.

Anyway, the book is called "F the F-Word."

Discreet against feminists.

With you naked on the cover.

Oh!

Not nips and pubes naked, obviously.

Nobody wants to see you naked.

Feminists suck. Totally agree.

Me too. ( LAUGHING )

You know, I have to say, I don't totally agree

because I wouldn't actually call myself a feminist.

And that's kind of important to me.

Right, right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Really, for me, it's about the cover

and the media message.

You should really have some of this cheese.

Comes from cows that have had better lives

than most people.

I, uh, you know, I will--

Eat it.

I will try it.

I just, you know, I will take this offer very seriously.

It's very tempting. I--

Mmm, mmm.

Oh, my God.

That's what I'm talking about.

That's cheese? That's, like, amazing.

That's-- Don't say yes or no.

First of all, we're talking significant six figures.

Second of all--

Mm-hm? Just think about it.

BTW, I want you to be my plus-one at the Oscars

and the magazine's party after.

( STAMMERING )

We'll give you clothes, you know, hair/make-up team.

Yeah, we'll make you look great.

Well, better, anyway.

Sorry, are you--

I mean, are you talking about the Oscar Oscars?

'Cause that's crazy. I'm not that kind of person.

Great. She'll do it.

Perfect.

I've got to scoot. I've got another drinks.

This, will be great.

DEBORAH: This is pathetic.

You guys aren't cops.

You can't blackmail me with DNA evidence of Botox.

My doctor isn't gonna violate doctor/patient confidentiality

so this is just really stupid.

And the very fact you even tried it

tells me that my instincts about you

were right on, Suzanne.

You are so out.

CHRISTINA: But unfortunately,

there's no hairdresser/client confidentiality.

Oh, right.

Your hairdresser,

Rafael, she knows him.

And you go on TV,

bragging how you don't dye your hair

when Rafael says you do tops and tails,

but you're a lousy tipper,

which is a big mistake for somebody

who expects confidentiality from her pube dyer.

We're gonna make

a video with Rafael

and we're gonna link it to Suzie's

fat lip video,

and everybody's gonna see,

just what a hypocrite you are.

And we're gonna Auto-tune your pubes,

which is not good for book deals

or "Today Show" appearances.

Think about it.

You should think about it.

You nailed it. You were amazing.

Well, I can't imagine her fighting you now.

( PHONE RINGING IN BACKGROUND )

God, I hate hypocrites.

I thought we were just gonna bust her on the Botox,

then you whip out Auto-tuning her pubes.

( LAUGHING )

My God, that was perfect.

Honestly, I can't even believe you would stay here.

I mean, that woman represents

everything that's wrong with the movement.

I know. I agree.

( PHONE RINGING )

Oh, hang on.

It's Cameron. He keeps calling me,

and I don't want to talk to him.

( PHONE RINGING ) He was just awful,

about that whole Peter Durton thing.

I think you should answer the phone.

( PHONE RINGING )

You know, I know it's none of my business

but I feel like I got to tell you something.

Peter Durton is a dick.

I slept with him as a girl, years ago.

Wow.

Then you tell me about this nice guy Cameron

who's all freaked out about this rich guy

and, I mean, what the hell.

Why is he freaked out about it anyway?

Wait a sec, why am I freaking about it?

Maybe I'm just jealous.

You know, it takes a very unusual sort of man

to even want to consider being with me.

I just, you know,

I would take a nice, normal,

slightly insecure guy any day.

RECORDER VOICE: Call incoming.

You answered.

Hi.

Hi.

Have you ever seen the film,

"Harvey" with Jimmy Stewart?

It's where Jimmy Stewart honestly believes

he's got a friend,

who's a giant invisible talking rabbit.

Yeah, I know the movie.

It's just my ex, Ruth,

she left me.

Trevor's a great guy and all

but they knew each other before

and I guess I'm a little wrapped tight

when it comes to women I care about and billionaires.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what that has to do

with a giant talking rabbit, though.

Because I was having a conversation

with someone who wasn't there: Ruth.

Because she left me for a rich guy.

I get it.

I'm sorry.

I probably came off as crazy and jealous.

I'm sorry.

I was wondering,

if maybe, you wanted to come over Sunday

and we could watch the Oscars together.

I'm actually going to the Oscars

with that Peter guy.

Wow, he's taking you to the Oscars.

He gave me that book deal.

That's great. I'm happy for you.

Maybe we could--

Sure, just give me a call.

I'll call you.

I should let you go.

All right.

All right, good luck with all that.

All of it.

¶ I will hold you When you cry ¶

¶ Lay beside you In the night ¶

¶ I am your best friend ¶

¶ For life ¶

RECORDED VOICE: Message from Marcia Wallace.

Hi, doll. You never returned my call.

I over-reacted.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

It's just that sometimes

it's hard to take the bear out of the momma bear.

I was wrong. I'm sorry.

Look, I hate to harsh your whole princess trip here

but I just read through the book contract

from Peter Durton.

And, as your literary agent, I have to tell you,

which I hate to tell you because it is so much money

and I love money, but it is the worst deal ever.

What? Why?

What's wrong with it?

It's indentured servitude with better outfits.

I mean, seriously, you have no creative rights.

He basically owns you.

He tells you exactly what to write.

I mean, granted, for a lot of money

and, seriously, better outfits.

They literally have the right to dress you.

What?

It's like you're Author Barbie.

All right, well, you know, we'll just negotiate with him.

I doubt it.

Look, you feel free

to stay here as long as you want

and to write a book that is actually good,

which I believe that I can sell.

All right?

You know, granted there's no guarantees but--

I can't keep living here for free.

You keep doing my grocery shopping

and you can stay here forever.

And you have to play Candy Land

with Sophie any time she asks.

I love playing Candy Land.

I'm good at it.

Okay, well, seriously, there's no strategy.

You just pick and what you get is what you get.

I mean-- No.

When I play it, there's strategy.

Oh, really? You know how to, like--

I'm not telling you. Okay, fine.

All right.

REPORTER: Welcome, everybody, to the Oscars Red Carpet or,

as I know it, the Prom of the World,

where I get to feel like a buck-toothed wallflower

without a date.

You look fabulous.

Those hair and make-up people are miracle workers.

Right.

BTW, Peter wanted me to show you this.

You're gonna love it.

You are our new star author.

Congratulations.

Okay, but this is not me.

But it will be.

You should be proud.

Peter normally only spends $10,000 on retouching

but he wanted to fix everything

that was wrong with you,

so he put $15,000 towards it.

I-- You look great.

I should be proud--

Mm-hm.

That it cost $15,000 to make me presentable--

Yeah. As an author.

It's a compliment, obviously.

Obviously.

¶ I am beautiful ¶

¶ I don't wanna be Someone else ¶

¶ I only wanna be myself ¶

Hi.

Hello, could you just make a right at the next light?

What are you doing?

I just need a latté.

We don't have time.

Hi, new star author.

I say we do.

I am out of here.

Wait. Where are you going?

You have to bring back the dress and those shoes.

Have fun at the Oscar.

Should bring 'em back dry cleaned as well.

¶ I don't wanna be Someone else ¶

¶ I only wanna be myself ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ And I am beautiful ¶

JAROD: Hey.

Wow.

You look fancy.

Thanks.

Can I show you one thing?

Yeah.

It's kind of funny.

Michael bought this same exact coffee maker for our house

and I wanted to be a good wife,

so I learned how to use it.

Michael, being Michael,

he prefers having coffee out

so, I've noticed lately

that you're kind of short-handed around here

so I was wondering if you would consider hiring me.

This is a good latté. What do you think?

Yeah, sure.

Yes? Yeah, sure.

Oh, my God. Thank you so much.

I will take the job,

because, I need a day job

because I'm gonna try to write a book.

That's awesome. I'm so proud of you.

Thanks, boss.

So we'll talk about this tomorrow.

I have to go.

It's a very long story.

Thank you. Sure.

Thank you so much. You're the greatest.

Bye. See you.

I'm glad we're finally getting the extra help

but you don't pay me enough to dress like that.

REPORTER: We've got tons of impossibly good-looking people

walking the judgiest red carpet in the world.

The excitement is palpable here.

We've got limo gridlock.

We've got--

If your cellulite isn't packed into

at least three layers of Spanx,

a billion people will see all the junk in your trunk.

( DOORBELL RINGING )

The Oscars are gay. Going to Mom's.

He likes you.

What?

He's trying to be a good wingman.

He loves the Oscars.

Is he homophobic?

Oh, no. His best friend's gay.

Sometimes I think,

the only reason to have kids

is to feel stupid all the time.

You look gorgeous.

It takes a village, apparently.

( MUSIC PLAYING )

Oh, that was so nice.

I'm a nice guy.

Yeah, I figured that out.

I don't know what to do with a nice guy.

Would you like some pizza?

He took the meat lovers, but I have some cheese.

You know, I would actually kill for pizza.

ON TV: George, how are you? How excited are you?

Yeah, I'm excited.

( MUSIC PLAYING )

Here you go.

Thank you.

Thanks.

¶ Now that we are Both sharing ¶

¶ The moment We fell in love ¶

¶ The moment We fell in love ¶

Earlier this semester,

before my bad lip job went viral,

I asked you guys who do you think is a feminist icon.

And I've been thinking about it,

and I think that here in Deborah's department,

no one is.

I can't be honest with my students about anything,

not even my own fat.

So,

I have actually resigned my position.

What? Yeah.

I know.

I'm gonna write a book,

which I'm really excited about

but I'm also really terrified.

But the biggest thing is that I'm just really

gonna miss all of you.

And so I decided to make presents for you guys.

I hope you like them.

This shirt fits everybody.

It fits anybody that actually really cares about equality,

regardless of gender.

Because to me, that's what a feminist looks like.

And I just really want to thank you

for letting me be your teacher.

I've loved it.

( APPLAUDING )

Who wants a shirt? Who wants a shirt?

Yeah. I do.

What? Don't look at me like that.

I'm gonna miss you so much.

Oh, honey, oh, I know. We're real friends.

I'm gonna see you all the time.

Oh, don't.

Oh, honey, it's gonna be fine.

( LAUGHING )

( MUSIC PLAYING )

Cheese!

¶ I don't wanna be Someone else ¶

¶ I only wanna be myself ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ And I am beautiful ¶

¶ I don't wanna be Someone else ¶

¶ I'm happy when I'm just myself ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ And I am beautiful ¶

When I met Suzanne,

I thought one thing.

I thought, "There's a woman."

And the second thing I thought was,

and I don't like to use this word

but in my profession I have to,

"There's a fat woman."

And when she, God help me,

I hate to use this word too,

when she waddled into my room and she,

and I hate to use this word,

"sat her fatness down,"

I tried to look her in the eye.

But all I could do was look her in the fat

and I thought,

"If I don't help this woman now,

she'll be dead within a week."

¶ I don't wanna be Someone else ¶

¶ I only wanna be myself ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ And I am beautiful ¶

¶ I don't wanna be Someone else ¶

¶ I'm happy when I'm Just myself ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ I feel alive ¶

¶ And I am beautiful ¶

¶ Make me an offer That I can't refuse ¶

¶ Make me a promise That I can turn to ¶

¶ In times of need ¶

¶ So when I turn left ¶

¶ It's only me and you ¶

¶ And it doesn't bother me ¶

¶ To be so true ¶

¶ I don't know why He does these things ¶

¶ I don't know why You go with him ¶

¶ All the time ¶

¶ All the time ¶

¶ The earth continued turning ¶

¶ There was no lightning From above ¶

¶ It was my hands That were shaking ¶

¶ The moment we fell in love ¶

¶ It was my knees That were trembling ¶

¶ And my nerves That came undone ¶

¶ It was my heart Pounding like thunder ¶

¶ The moment We fell in love ¶

¶ And I hope you realize ¶

¶ What you see Inside my eyes ¶

¶ Is a love That never dies ¶

¶ I will hold you When you cry ¶

¶ Lay beside you In the night ¶

¶ I am your best Friend for life ¶

¶ I've been trying To put it into words ¶

¶ But the words Don't seem enough ¶

¶ Perhaps when we stand here ¶

¶ And say "I do" ¶

¶ It's another moment We'll fall in love ¶

¶ Perhaps when we stand here ¶

¶ And say "I do" ¶

¶ It's another moment We'll fall in love ¶