Original subtitles

Last call for train 9018 departing at 10:25 to Paris.

This train is now about to depart.

Last call for train 9018 to Paris

Emma-Jane, stop jumping around!

That was a close call.

Lucky we bought the ticket for Lucien. The train's packed.

- As usual. -22, 23, 24, 25...

No! Didn't we get a table?

- Are we going to play cards? - I'll ask if they'll swap.

I'll check if they're together.

Excuse me. Excuse me...

- Are you together? - I don't believe so.

- Are you together? - No.

Because, we are a family. We are four.

If you could move... could you swap places with us?

- Where are you sitting? - There.

I can't travel facing back.

Can't you?

I'm sorry.

Excuse me...

You're near the door. It opens and closes all the time.

- Oh no... not right next to it. - Its very draughty over there.

I booked this seat specially I have a Frequent Travellers card.

- Albertine, it�ll be alright. - What idiots they are.

It's so silly! What difference would it make to them?

- It would've been nice to sit together. - It's only 3 hours.

Can you pass me my laptop?

Thanks.

What is it?

Mummy's darling.

- Are you OK, Albertine? - Yes.

He's dancing.

Albertine, don't you get too cold in the water!

Mind the crabs!

Titine, sing us a song!

We'll keep the bag.

- Daddy, is he a pervert? - What?

Is he a pervert?

Don't be silly, Albertine. A pervert doesn't do things out in the open!

- What a badly brought-up child! - She's sensible to be alert!

- Some people are sick. - That's why we have to be wary.

- What a pig. - What did he do?

He was so creepy. Like this...

- In a sicko way. - "Trust me!"

In his sperm-coloured polo-neck!

Hurry up! Put your cap on. It's windy outside.

- And your jacket. - Have you got everything?

- We're coming! - Back-pack!

Don't forget your comics.

Saint-Malo. The train stops for 2 minutes.

Here are the Parisians!... Mrs Pr�vost!

You're just as friendly as ever. How you've grown, Loulou!

- Have a good trip? - We had to get up early.

I guess you artists aren't used to that!

- Hi. How are you? - Good.

- How old are you now? - Eleven.

- Do you have a boyfriend? - No.

- Great! Otherwise I would've been jealous!

- Will you lay off coming on to my daughter?!

- They say it gives you cold sores. - Mummy!... you're disgusting!

- I know. - I'm double-parked.

Why is this guy tail-gating me?

- Take it easy! - Piece of shit!

- Paris plates of course. - Maniac!

- Is everybody here? - Micheline and Roger just got here.

Fredo and Linette are picking up Mamie from Chateaubriand.

- How's Micheline? - She's lost weight since Aline left.

- No wonder, with a fascist father. - Don't call my family that!

- He's only your brother-in-law. - He's still family.

- Monique and Gustavo are driving down. - From Paris... in that bomb of theirs?!

It was easy for us: Paris to Saint-Malo took just under six hours.

- How's the job? - You know what football's like.

We haven't won for ages. I gotta take an extra job.

My cousin's got an agency for British vacuum cleaners.

- Idiotic! How's my sister? - It's supposed to be a surprise, but...

- You're gonna be uncle again. - Awesome!

- You Bretons breed like rabbits. - Four's quite enough.

Don't you have "the pill" in Brittany?

Anal sex is safer.

What's that?

Nothing.

- What? - They're having more kids.

Lovely! You have such beautiful children, Loulou!

You're too kind!

Here they come!

Hi there, sister dear! We should have brought raincoats.

The garden looks wonderful.

Joseph got in shape last spring.

Play gorilla, Uncle Jean!

Hi, Suzette!

- You three'll be in the house. - You'll sleep in the...

I want to sleep in the tent with the others!

- You'll sleep with us. - Go on... Let her sleep in the tent!

- That thing might crash. - What thing?

Skylab - the satellite. It's supposed to be crashing in western France somewhere.

Is Brittany in western France?

- Leave him alone, Robert. - Us monkeys get along well.

Come with me. You didn't see it. Come and look!

Don't do anything silly!

- Don't worry! - I'll keep an eye on him.

It was so yucky! It went like this.

The wheelbarrow is full of guts.

- Can we go in? - It's locked.

- Gosh! What about the head? - It's in the soup.

- That's disgusting. - Makes the best couscous.

I oughta tell on you to Mum and Dad. You're not supposed to be here.

'Specially with Albertine. You'll get a smack.

- Then I'll tell them you're smoking. - If you wanna get killed!

- Hullo Christian. - Hi. Piss off now.

- What's that? - Champagne.

- Do you want to play dolls? - I'd rather ride a bike. What's her name?

- Anastasia. - That's nice.

- Mummy, may I ride a bike? - They only have 2-wheelers here.

- I can ride one! - There's Jean-Luc's old one with 4 wheels.

Just around the house. But first give Grandma her present.

- Mamie! - How pretty you are! Everything OK?

Yes thanks. I've made a drawing.

That's lovely!

But one thing... is it a house?

It's a spaceship... but there's a farm on it.

Are you 67? That's a bit younger than Grandma.

- I brought you some Swiss chocolate - That's my favorite!

- Would you like a port? - No, I shouldn't.

A drop can't do you any harm.

- Stop it. - Philippe, get a glass for Lucienne.

- Are you already into the port, Mum? - I've been slaving all morning.

- Didn't the kids help? - They can't do the cooking.

- Fancy getting here in a day. - We'll be free tonight.

We could take Albertine and grandma with us.

You're too kind. That's far too much!

- It just helps the economy along. - Don't muss my hair!

- Flore can't get to sleep. - Auntie Cl�mentine!

Is everything all right? Can you take your goddaughter for a bit?

- What have I said about shoes on the sofa? - It's easy.

- Bang, you're dead! - My, you're a tough-guy!

Pierre, can you take him outside?

- Arthur's got diarrhea - Again? What did he eat?

- Is there room in the fridge? - No, it's full.

Here's the Paris mob.

It's about time.

- How's everybody? - You're even more beautiful than last year.

- All's well? - Hi!

- A birthday present for you. - Thanks, Godfather.

- Hi, Gustavo. Good trip? - Yeah... fine.

Do you like it?

I really do! Thanks!

- You'll look really smart in that. - I've got some pastis for you.

- How are things? - Fine. You?

- Look what your dad gave me. - I've got a pink one.

- Pink is for little kids. - And blue is for boys.

I've always thought pink is for dummies. But it suits YOU!

- That hurts! - Let me go!

- Stop it! - YOU stop it!

What's all that about?

Let go of each other right away!

Go inside and look after your sister.

- What are you going on about? - Why did you give her the same?

- It was her birthday, though. - Mine was a Christmas AND birthday present.

I chose to skip the 21st of December.

- But you got books too. - I'm your daughter and should have got more.

The pink one is much better.

- I'm patting him. - Best not to squabble... off you go.

Come on, we'll go in and have a glass of cordial.

- Shame the serviettes don't match. - Where did Roger get to?

They went for the cake about an hour ago. They're drinking, no doubt.

How are things with you, Micheline?

- I'd sure like a drink. - A pastis.

You're not drinking.

Listen to your mother.

- Hi. - Hi, Joseph.

- Hi, Anna. - What are you doing with the sheep?

I need to put it on the spit. Can you give me a hand?

- Anna, will you help him? - Are you out of your mind?

- I don't know what to do. - Now you can prove you're a man.

This evening you'll all get to see.

- See you later. - That's not my glass.

- Is that it? - Got to get it right through.

Good size.

- What's it weigh? - About 20 kilos.

He put up quite a fight.

Now we stitch it up.

Out of the way or we'll roast you instead!

Kids!... that's enough!

Hi Uncle Fredo!

I've got a sore eye. Do you think it could be a brain tumor?

Give me a look... no I don't think it's a brain tumor.

- Thanks. - You go and play with the others.

- Hi, Aunt Anna - Hi, Henri.

- We got lost. - Stop it. Go and sit down.

- The artists! Are you out on the street yet? - Yes, we do street theatre.

- I'm just joking. - Your brother wants to pick a fight.

- He means no harm. - How are things?

- Want a glass of pastis? - Where's Linette?

Linette?

- Am I sleeping with the "Nazis"? - They just arrived.

Cheers.

Hi everybody!

You should rest after eating dinner.

They're hens.

- It's stuffed with grass. - Smells so yucky!

- What is THAT? - Its heart...!

- It stinks! - It smells like poo!

Your guts would stink too!

- Is Aline coming? - Be quiet, Robert!

- She went off with her father's friend. - An old guy.

- He's nearly 30. - All of you out of here now!

- Don't mess with that. - I want to have a little bit.

- Just a little bit. - What for?

- To play with. - Out of here all of you... now!

Disgusting stuff to be playing with!

Come and eat, kids!

- That's mine! - Robert and Albertina!

- Stop that now! - Robert! - Now share it, won't you!

She's got an elephant's arse and she eats like a horse.

- My dad doesn't even like you - I don't give a shit about HIM.

- Nor he about you. - You're all dirty pigs.

- Yeah. - He doesn't like you either.

And I don't have an elephant's arse.

Why do I have to sit at the kids' table when I'm 17?

Jean-Luc, Dad doesn't like you play with dolls.

Take mine. There's more in the kitchen.

Thanks, Catherine.

Scrawny balls... scrawny balls!

Some wine? I help the grower's diabetic wife and get wine in return.

Last Christmas he was so drunk... He was Santa, and his beard got stuck to his forehead.

The little one found him passed out, so she doesn't believe in Santa any more.

Roger was like that. He left his beard behind in a caf�.

But Henri had already stopped believing in Santa.

They haven't stopped believing in the Christmas goodies.

What a pair of knockers, eh?

- The best pair in Brittany! - My sister's'd be close.

Do you remember when those friends of mine met you?

They got so excited! She told them she had a job with P&C.

They were very impressed and thought it was something intellectual.

In the end one asked what it was.. "Pastries and cakes. "

- You intellectuals are a scream. - How are things with Aline?

Roger wants to kill her guy. I don't expect to see her any time soon.

- She's his daughter after all. - The guy was Roger's army pal.

She's pregnant.

But she's of legal age, so we can't do anything.

You could still say something.

- Shall we give the kids some couscous? - Would the big kids fetch the couscous?

Would you help please, Christian?

- You have such a lovely family, Amandine. - They were not easy to bring up.

Now I only see them at Christmas, and sometimes on my birthday.

I only had one child.

G�rard wasn't much interested in that sort of thing, you know. And we couldn't afford more.

You were lucky. My 3 husbands barely kept their pants on.

I hardly had time to sleep.

I would have liked to have a son too. It was hard with just a daughter.

- She can take care of you. - I'm just a nuisance.

I helped them when Albertine was small...

...but as to living with them now, in their little apartment.

There's no bathroom... you have to wash in the kitchen.

- I'm just in the way. - Not at all. They need you.

Being an actor's a very uncertain profession.

Jean was supposed to become postmaster in Chateaubriand!

- But he gave it up for the theatre! - Yes, the future was rosy for him.

I worked hard so that Anne could study.

Acting is not real work.

Try this instead of talking rubbish

Just a little for me please.

- Mother? - Watch my hair!

Some for Mum! C�te-R�tie is top stuff.

- Albertine was childish for a long time. - She is still.

- But we've forgotten about Hubert! - Yes, where is he?

- We forgot to wake him up. - Pierre, go and wake Hubert up.

- He's got out? - Last week. He lives with us.

- Is that OK? - He takes his medication and stays quiet.

It's something we don't discuss.

Then let's not talk about it, then.

- It's not that serious. - He's not a danger to children?

- Ready to be cut up. - That wasn't hard.

- Put that there. - Thanks.

Take this with you. This one too!

- The tomatoes too. - Christian's never worked so hard.

How are you going, Hubert?

How nice it is to see you all.

Hi, Hubert!

See him? He seems slow... but he's here.

Hi, little sister.

- How nice to see you. - In great shape, too.

Couscous!

- Hi, Uncle Hubert. - Hi.

- Who was that? - Hi, Uncle Hubert.

- Hi, Cl�mentine. - I'm Albertine.

- What a big girl you are. How old are you? - Eleven.

You speak well for your age.

She speaks well for her age.

That'll be alright.

That�s a good cut.

- Nice backbone. - Very nice.

This will be good.

Look out!

There's nothing better than couscous with Breton butter.

There we have one dead lamb.

- Now for the ribs. - Can you shut up?

- Sure. - This is serious stuff.

Medium rare.

- It isn't child's play. - Bang! Take that!

On weekends, we take her to the park, and to shows and movies.

Living in the city has its advantages.

In summer we're at the beach, but in winter she's sitting in front of TV.

I have to put Robert in front of the TV.

- Have to? - Otherwise he's breaking everything!

And Christian's out on his moped. That worries me.

We just go to the Boulogne woods and pick mushrooms.

- And the TV keeps them interested. - It calms them down.

We avoid it. There's just rubbish and always the same people...

Claude Fran�ois, Johnny Hallyday, Sardou...

- Don't knock Claude! - Or Johnny.

Sardou has such nice lyrics.

- We never see Barbara! - My kids love Brassens.

Yes, but the kids only get to see people like Chantal Goya.

- Chantal Goya's funny. - No, she's stupefying.

- Titine gets to watch the Sunday movies. - Do others say no to TV?

- Doesn't she get tired then? - She's got used to it.

- They don't do anything creative at school. - And it helps them fit into society.

At our preschool, the kids get to try every art form there is.

We took Albertine to the Cannes festival.

We saw "Tin Drum" and "Apocalypse Now".

"Tin Drum" was from a book by G�nter Grass.

- Is it a musical? - No, it's about a boy who never grows up.

- Is he sick? - No, he just has a mental block.

So he doesn't grow up.

- Did she understand it? - Why shouldn't she?

- The film's in German, with subtitles. - German subtitles? Not much help?

- No, no. - They're in French.

But the film is German.

- And the other film? - It's made by Coppola.

It is about the Vietnam War and how the soldiers can snap.

Snap? Fredo got through OK.

- Sure, he was a doctor... but still. - They go crazy in the jungle.

Didn't she find the war scenes hard to take?

No it was worse with "Tin Drum".

But she likes going to the movies.

We don't have a cinema in Serignac.

- Can we go and play. - We'll call you when dessert's ready.

Come on, Romain.

- How is he? - Still a bit green.

- Putting the calves out to pasture... - I don't trust Robert with Romain.

- There's no danger. - I'll keep an eye on them.

I think we're in for a shower. I'll fetch the little ones.

It's raining!

- Robert, come in! - I'm looking for snails.

It's pouring! Come on in.

Lovely weather you have in Brittany!

I'm sure it's Skylab affecting the atmosphere.

Do you think Skylab ill fall on us?

The say western France.

What if we die.

We can hope it won't be too close.

I'm scared, Mummy.

- I love you. - I love you too.

- Damn! that wasn't much of a shower. - It's sunny again.

We'll go outside again.

Come on!

Children!

- I hardly know you! - Show me your breasts...

- Otherwise it's the crocodiles for you! - No! I'll do anything you say!

Anything? Take off all your clothes!

- Strip! - I can't do it.

- You said you'd do anything. - OK...

- Take that!... you bourgeois philistine! - Yes!

- Don't stop! Don't stop! - You like it don't you?

The lab conducts research on African leukemia in the Ivory Coast.

- Is it fatal? - And it happens fast.

But only some families are affected.

Imagine how many feminists there'd be overall.

- There are many who wear dresses too. - And pants.

- How about a siesta? - I don't need one.

I started doing that in Vietnam.

Sleep well.

Here you are!

Have you travelled far?

No, I live here, Hubert.

And how do you dance then?

Come on, guys... How about a game?

I've got the ball. You need it after stuffing yourselves.

I'll nominate the teams.

Joseph, Philippe, Pierre and Gustavo, you're in Fredo's side.

- They're working out their positions. - They're warming up.

Is that a whistle Hubert's got?

Where did he find it?

Free kick!

Come on, Roger!

Good one, Roger!

They're all over the place!

Good one!

Christian runs with his hands like this.

Roger has me twenty times every night.

- Twenty? That's an awful lot. - Twenty times.

I thought that Gustavo and I were pretty good with several times a week.

Twenty times... every night. I need a drink.

- That's a load of nonsense. - You think so?

- Careful. - Come here, Romain!

Watch out for Romain!

- Good one, Romain! - Be careful!

- How are you, Micheline? - Fine.

- You like some water? - Yes.

- Twenty times a night? - Yes.

- Isn't that too much? - Sure is.

- Doesn't it hurt you down there? - Yeah.

Don't panic

Half time! Time for a drink.

Good game.

A bit of the red thanks.

A little C�te-R�tie, thanks.

Can you fetch me a lead?

- Sorry? - An extension lead.

- What's Gustavo doing? - He's going to give a demonstration.

- What is it? - Isn't he selling sewing machines any more?

It wasn't his thing.

Could I have my assistant please?

Just look at this modern and graceful object!

- It can be used every day. - And it's a beautiful thing.

- You can sit under it. - On it... not under it.

- But it is actually... - A cool-box?

No, a vacuum cleaner!

A combination seat cushion and vacuum cleaner.

The lead gets pulled in, so you avoid getting it tangled.

And the lead is moe than 7 metres long.

One, two...

...three, four, five, six...

- And seven! - Six and a half.

You can vacuum your neighbour�s house.

Very practical!

And the head can spin... Right, left, right, left.

- The head spins. - And it's quiet.

Listen.

That was the lead.

- That's quiet. - Not bad.

And there's a brush that clips in.

You push a button here. It's very easy.

The vacuum cleaner power...

...is 650 watts.

That's enough to pick up my wife's boob.

Retractable lead! Can you unplug it?

Retractable lead!

- You can let it go. - It goes easier then.

Damn it!

Here we are! No unhappy faces now!

We forgot Mum!

- Hang on. -Quick... out!

- Bring the umbrella. - Hang on to me!

You're so strong, Loulou.

She only has eyes for Loulou. It's his tight shorts.

Come on!

- We forgot you. - It's so wet out there.

You know as well as I do.

There's an angel sitting in that tree.

- It's OK. - They carried me in out of the rain.

- How's your brother? - He's a bit out of it.

Because of the war he sees Japanese everywhere.

Sees what?

Japanese. They tortured him in Vietnam.

We had the Germans. I was almost arrested when Anna was barely three years old.

They were marching past and she screamed: "Dirty Krauts"

We were frightened, especially as we had people hidden out in the shed.

- Did you risk your family just for Jews? - My husband took them to Switzerland.

Evidently the Swiss waited until they'd deposited their gold...

Then the police handed them over to Austria.

My first husband and Hubert spent three months in a small cage.

And the Viet Cong tortured women and children before killing them.

I waited with my 4 kids, poison ready in my hands...

...while my husband negotiated. Luckily he knew Ho Chi Minh.

We were shipped back to France in the cargo hold of a steamer.

And now I live in a nice apartment building.

But you should have seen our house in Saigon!

I've only been in France and Switzerland

Jeannette don't you cry

Jeannette don't you cry

You'll be married

with a prince's son

with a prince's son

or a baron

But I want my Pierre

But I want my Pierre

He who's imprisoned

You can't have your Pierre

You can't have your Pierre

for he's to be hanged

So Pierre was hanged

So Pierre was hanged

Then so was Jeannette

Bravo!

Lovely singing!

Encore!

I can sing a song It's called "A plane".

A plane, a plane, a plane... a plane makes you look up!

A lady, a lady, a lady a lady makes your cock stand up!

"In with it!", said the baroness

Better have it in the back than leaving it slack!

Robert, you're going to regret that!

I couldn't hear it. Can you come and sing it for me?

No! Not for Mrs Pr�vost! Robert!

A plane, a plane, a plane... a plane makes you look up

A lady, a lady, a lady a lady makes you cock stand up!

"In with it!", said the baroness

Better have it in the back than leaving it slack!

- He's so imaginative! - Albertine, sing your song!

- I only know one verse. - That doesn't matter!

I do not care.. if the lies

we believed when we were young

And the lie that tells about the approaching death

In your arms, my friend, I think we'll live on longer

and laugh and cry

Joy and sorrow put a tear into love

Joy and sorrow are better shared by two.

Bravo!

There are cartoons on TV!

Can I sing?

- Do you know any songs? - Do you even know one?

This is it.

Downcast eyes and a sad face

You do not sleep You're a shadow of yourself

Alone on the street you walk like a tormented soul

And every night you're seen under her window

I know you're in love and that she is fine

But you're too young for the sorrow of love

But play your mandolin, bambino

The music is more beautiful than all the skies of Italy

You can sing all you want but it is useless

Love and jealousy... it is no child's play

After 15 years she still doesn't know the words properly.

I'll show you.

They're not one in a hundred but exist nonetheless

Most Spaniards do not ask me why

And in Spain they're not understood

The anarchists!

Terrific!

- Outstanding! - What was it?

- Left-wing garbage! - Off with your clothes!

Our earth is a star, where even you sometimes sparkle

I sing a ballad, the ballad of a lucky man

I sing a ballad, the ballad of a lucky man

You have no rank or title

but you are friends with God

I sing a ballad, the ballad of a lucky man

Journalist, for your front page...

Bravo!

Have a champagne!

He'll water the roses.

Did you know my father's name was Abraham?

Where are you, McBarker? We have to go.

You know you have to have a leash on you when we go out.

- Cartoons are rubbish! - No!

Who's in charge? Who picks the channel?

- Don't be so stupid! - Stop!

- Harder! - Stop, Christian!

Stop getting the children worked up!

Stop it now! Stop fighting with your brother!

Get out of here.

It'll be your father next time.

- That's alright now. - Thank you.

We fought for equality, but your sisters will take care of the family.

- Apart from Cl�mentine. - Suzette's a nurse after all.

And takes care of everything at home. Is that equality?

What do you care? It's not you.

Why did we demonstrate then, in May '68?

So our daughters would be slaving in the kitchen like our mothers?

Your mother got on fine with your father.

He died. My mother killed off three.

And then she was alone with six children.

- My daughter shan't have it like that. - Only if she's tough like you.

No one's really good at it. You managed to find the only idiot.

Your family are always going on about others.

First Vietnamese, Arabs and blacks... and now it's women.

- I'm a feminist. - Yeah? You're all slave-owners... the lot of you.

Women are really clueless.

Why's she so difficult?

Aren't there any chicks here?

There must be one here... or so.

- Lovely! - Feel how hard it is.

- I don't think I'd dare. - Hold your hands like this.

I'm too scared.

- Hold your hands together. - Keep still.

It's so small.

Don't squash it. It's so cute.

Come and look. It's Uncle Hubert.

What's he doing?

- Shit!... He's trying to hang himself! - He did that last year, too.

- Open it! - You could've died!

- What got into me? - We need to get grandma.

We like you too much... so you can't do that!

- You're too kind. - Do you want a baby chicken?

Is that for me? Thank you.

- He's called Pompom. - That suits him. Pompom.

Come on now.

- He's so nice. - Thanks for giving it to me.

- You feel better now? - Oh yes!

I'll go and show him to grandma.

She'll like him.

- What'll we do now? - I don't know.

We can kill the ticks on the dog.

I'll get some alcohol!

- What are you after? - Alcohol for ticks.

Alcohol? You need ether.

To knock them out so you can get their heads out... Understand?

Can I have it then?

- I got one. - Ether smells nasty.

- I think so. - Maybe we'll be dead tomorrow.

- Why would we be? - Because of Skylab.

- A satellite that'll crash in the night. - Mum says it's crap.

Mummy read it in "Le Monde", not your local right-wing rag.

- Nobody knows where it'll crash. - Mummy says it'll be in Brittany.

- Brittany's big. - It's too quiet around here.

It could be anywhere. Tomorrow we could be dead from the ticks.

- What would you want on your last day? - To play hooky.

- I mean a wish. - I'd want to be dressed like a princess.

I want to see the future and space and especially kiss Han Solo.

- That's dumb. - What would you want, Jean-Luc?

I'd like to have boobies as big as Aunty Monique's.

- Hey family!... How about we go for a swim? - Good idea.

- We'll stay and get dinner organised. - I want a swim before we go home.

- I'm going with you. - Behave yourself on the beach!

- I'll keep tabs on him. - Should we drive?

- Anna! I'm not drunk! It was the chair's fault.

I'll get changed.

This is a nice car. Was it expensive?

Tell us a story, Uncle Jean.

It's about a golden bream.

A little fish that swims in the sea.

He meets a pair of mermaids who are crying. The fish asks why.

"Our king has been eaten by a shark. "

"And now our queen is inconsolable. "

- How can you see tears under the water? - Yes, how?

- They cry golden tears. - All mermaids?

- I don't know. - Me neither.

The bream swims on and meets the queen...

...who was sitting on her balcony weeping golden tears.

And the queen is so beautiful that the bream falls hopelessly in love.

- Is bream a guy? - Obviously.

The bream offers to kill the shark, if the queen agrees to marry him.

She says yes, and this very smart bream

builds a cage, where the guards can kill the shark.

Inside the cage is a small gap so that bream can get out.

So bream starts working on attracting the shark...

"Potbelly! Fatso!"

"Catch me if you can, potbelly!"

The shark gets mad. I'll gobble you up, you little turd!

The bream swims into the cage and the shark follows him.

The guards shut the door and the shark is caught.

But the queen as no desire at all to marry a little fish...

...even if he has a long... tail.

She asks one of the guards to block the door.

- What an evil queen! - A real bitch.

Like all... like all bream!

- But she's a mermaid! - Like all mermaids... yeah!

The bream panics and screams:

"But I love you!"

He dodges the shark's giant jaws!

"I love you more than anything"

But the queen ignores him.

And wracked by love and desperation...

...the bream shuts his eyes and thinks of the love he might have found.

Suddenly his little flippers are transformed into hands...

...and the top half of his body into a man's.

He's become a mermaid.

He's a very handsome and manly mermaid. A Marlon Brando.

So Marlon opens the door with his muscular arms and swims out.

And the queen went to water when she saw him.

Well, they're in the sea.

Everything�s wet, but the queen gets a bit more watery!

She falls in love with the bream.

"My darling bream, can you ever forgive me?"

She asks his hand, 'cause now he's got hands.

And the bream says in his deep voice...

"You were not friendly. My love for you almost killed me. "

"But my love gave me the desire to live. "

So they kissed and made up.

Like this...!

Trumps.

Belote!

Again? You've got belote again?

Yes I'm lucky at cards but never in love.

But I don't complain. It means I win in Scrabble.

Your turn.

- We'll take that. - Nice.

Albertine, don't you get too cold in the water!

Where's the sun lotion?

We're gonna look for crabs. - Watch out for the claws!

- Isn't it beautiful? - Beautifully!

Damn! This is the nudist beach.

Hi. - I didn't know it was here.

- Crazy, all the dangly bits. - This is yucky! Let's get away.

- Come on. - Jean!

Chantal!

- How are things? - Fine.

Hi, Albertine. What are you doing here?

- We were fishing for crabs. - Show her the bucket. - Nice!

- Anna OK? - Yes, she's here. And Titi?

He's working in Strasbourg I'm here with Mathieu.

He's learning scuba diving.

We're staying at my sister's in Saint-Pierre. We're going home in the morning.

- Are you coming to the village festival this evening? - There's a festival?

- Here's Mathieu - Wow, how you've grown!

Hi.

- Hi. Sorry. - It's OK.

- What sort of fish have you caught? - Sea bass.

The festival's mostly for kids and young people.

Albertine's welcome to come. Mathieu's the DJ.

My sister probably knows about it. Otherwise, we'll meet another time.

- But Albertine might like to come. - Can we go back?

Sure... before the tide comes in.

Say hi to Anna!

The nudist beach is next door.

Guess who we ran into? Chantal Couturier and Mathieu.

- How are they? - Albertine was staring at his cock.

Stop it, Daddy!

She nearly shook it instead of his hand!

- You're so disgusting! - Stop it.

OK, I'll stop.

Chantal doesn't surprise me. In '68 she lived in a collective...

- ...and in '69 she slept with most of Strasbourg.

- Her bush was huge. - Were you checking it out?

- You couldn't miss it. - Titine, Chantal's bush...

I'm just kidding. Anyway you only saw Mathieu...

I'm not speaking to you.

- Eleven years old and already embarrassed. - Titine! He was joking.

- Look out for crayfish! - Sure!

- And you...? - Yes?

I'll set you free again.

Go on then. Not there, silly.

There's the sea. Off you go.

And we'll eat you other ones 'cause you're nice and big.

We might be dead in the morning... just like you.

- Daddy, can I let the little one go? - Yeah, that's OK.

Off you go.

That's it.

- Gustavo, Loulou, are you coming? - Of course.

- Where are you going? - Check out some nudie pussy.

- Just a look. - So I'll stop with my nap.

- I'll stay. - No!... Come on!

- Monique... - We'll be quick.

- Back in a jiffy. - He can do what he likes.

- We'll hurry. - Five minutes.

- Mum'll be upset if we're late - Don't worry.

- Where are they off to? - The nudist beach.

I wouldn't mind taking a look.

I'll take a dip before we go.

Are you coming?... Quick... into the water!

- Is it a boy or a girl? - We don't know.

Aren't you worried it might have Downs syndrome?

No.

How can they tell if it has it?

I don't know.

- I hope it doesn't have Downs. - Me too.

We found lots of crabs.

- We've got a bag of crabs - What a big one!

- Dad caught that one. - I'm hungry. Shall we go?

Christian? Christian?

- Are you here long? - All summer.

- Don't your cousins smoke? - They're hillbillies.

I like Pierre.

No, just Pierre!

- Suzanne and Tatiana. From Rouen. - Pierre. Want a swim?

No, we're hanging around here.

Wanna come for a moped ride?

- We have ask our parents. - We have ask our parents.

Christian!

- See you at the festival around 10. - OK.

Here they are. About time!

Have fun?

- Was it her lamb that we ate? - Was she unhappy?

She has lambs every year.

Does she have any other lambs?

She can only keep one. Otherwise she gets agitated.

- How do you choose the lamb? - It's just luck.

"Tough luck," my parents used to say.

- Romain pushed her. - Henri told me to.

- Don't listen to him. - Henri!

- What? - Come here.

What'd I say about behaving yourself?

Don't start crying.

- It's Skylab! - ... are not controlling the satellite.

- They don't say where it's coming down. - Be quiet! This is important.

...thousands of satellites...

...that help us with meteorology and telecommunications.

- The Yanks and their scrap. - Space is their garbage bin.

- Like what they did in Vietnam... - The Viet Cong are shit.

The Americans had no choice. See what happened in Cambodia.

The radioactivity can be dangerous.

...fast approaching Earth.

- We're going to die! - No we aren't, sweetie!

But we'll know first a few hours before it crashes.

...supporting Mitterrand. The latest election was a defeat for the left.

Does Mitterrand remain a unifying force?

His political views and the struggle that he led...

- The left will win the next election. - No!

Not even with the help of your Trotskyite friends. Frenchmen aren't crazy.

We don't have any Trotskyite friends.

The left can't decide between Mitterrand and Ricard... er, Rocard.

It will mean an end to the exploitation of the workers!

We shouldn't be talking politics on my birthday!

- Turn off the TV. - So long as we don't start on the death penalty.

That'll start the first quarrel.

- So then can you kill anyone? - On the contrary!

If it happened to your child, you'd want it.

It's barbaric!

If you don't stop this, I'm leaving!

It's so costly to incarcerate someone for life.

They certainly have the right to eat what they want at every meal. Caviar...

- That is not true! - I've read it.

Don't believe everything you read.

- I'd happily eat caviar for the rest of my life. - Don't talk rubbish, Monique.

- It's impossible. - I agree with you.

More lamb, Mrs Pr�vost?

If you insist.

Should we start burning witches too? The death penalty doesn't deter anyone.

And it's discriminatory. Arabs get the death penalty more often.

My dad says that blacks smell.

- What nasty thing to say. - Your father's a racist!

- My best friend is from Korea. - The priest says we should love everybody.

You no doubt stuck up for the Arabs during the Algerian war.

There's always a lot of excuses.

- If the left wins, I'll go into exile. - Do it, then!

I don't want the Russians in Agen!

Arab? Doesn't your wife look like an Arab?

- I'm Corsican! - We shouldn't be talking politics!

Everyone knows the Arabs were in Corsica.

We've all got a bit of Arab in us.

- Tell her to be quiet. - She's not wrong.

The Arabs invaded the Mediterranean.

- Like in in Spain. - Here we have an Arab!

No. We've been Rodriguez for centuries.

This is starting to go too far.

- Isn't "Rodriguez" Arabic? - No, it's a Spanish name.

- Can't somebody shut them up?! - Your mother's getting worked up.

Jean, if I'd seen you at the barricades in Algiers...

...I'd have shot you without hesitation.

That's just it!... The OAS is just like the SS!

- Stop it! - Don't start again!

Algeria is over and done with. Nobody cares any longer.

- I can't stand it! Stop it! - Yeah, come on.

Would you like a pick-me-up?

- Stop firing them up. - He would've shot you.

He didn't mean it. Now cut it out.

- So I'm not supposed to say anything. - Stop it now.

Fredo, my brother...

Fredo, there's one thing I'd like to say.

You are my brother, and despite our political differences...

I shall never forget... how two years ago you...

...saved my life when I was loaded...

...and shoved your finger up a rugby player's arse.

- Did you do that? - Thanks for that.

We're all one family, after all.

I wanted to see if his buttocks were muscular. I aimed wrong.

And suddenly the finger slipped in.

I do not know what I'll do if the Left wins, but I won't be alone.

Maybe you and your paratrooper buddies will stage a coup?

Isn't one of them involved with your daughter?

Better stop me! I'll kill you!

- Sit down! - That's enough!

Stop arguing! You'll be the death of me.

- I can't take any more of this. - We're only talking, Mum.

- You'll be the death of your mother. - Do you feel unwell?

Your mother'll kill me, but it doesn't matter. We'll all die someday.

Amandine, here's something to drink.

Thanks, Lucienne. Nobody shows any respect any longer.

Young people are so lively.

I want to propose a toast...

...to my dear mum...

...who turns 67 today.

It's thanks to her that we're all here today.

No, I'm joking.

She's my little sister. I wanted to see if you thought I was nuts!

Wasn't that funny!?

You're a bundle of laughs, Hubert.

Like that time you set off the fireworks in the bathroom!

I gotta go.

Philippe, Pierre, we haven't finished yet.

- We'll see you there. - You stay too.

What did you say?

Do you want a belting?

You don't get to do what you want just because you're seventeen.

Now sit down.

Can I go to the dance too? Everyone's going.

- It's quite close. - You're not cycling.

- They can go. - With all the drunk drivers...

Just be careful.

- Don't let her out of your sight. - Be home before midnight.

- Alright. - Do you want a nice hair-do?

Jean-Luc, give me that brush.

Now go out and play.

He's doing his dolls' hair all day long.

- Maybe he'll become a hairdresser. - That wouldn't thrill me in the least.

- Can I have some wine? - Cheers.

- Here's to family reunions! - Cheers!

At least we avoided the Nazis.

- Here's to the family! - Happy birthday.

Come on!

That looks yucky with the tongue.

Those birds have big tits.

- How do you like it? You're a good dancer. - Thanks.

- The next one's punk. You know about that? - A bit.

- Do you know how to dance to it? - Yes.

I'm going to do a punk dance.

That was cool.

OK to dance close?

- I've got to go. Have fun. - Thanks.

Put your jacket on.

Thanks.

- Do you think they'll fall in love? - They're just snails.

I think they love one another.

- What's up? - I'd like to have someone to love me.

So do I. But it happens to everyone.

- Not Uncle Hubert. - He's different.

He's weird... but he's nice. And no one's in love with him.

- Is that why you're sad? - Yes.

- You're not weird like Hubert. - I don't know about that.

Come on now... it's nearly midnight.

- Come on. - Your glasses.

- Christian! - I'm staying.

Your dad said you had to.

- That was fun with little girls. - What do you mean little girls?

- They're virgins. - What's that mean?

- Like all these girls. - So what?

- You've never slept with anyone. - I wouldn't like tongue kissing with anyone.

- How would Harrison Ford kiss his wife? - Not with his tongue, I'm sure.

You're idiots.

- Tonight's a werewolf night. - Why does he say that?

It's nothing. Come on.

Next week I'll fetch the horses.

Is there any more of this?

Scotch?

- I've got to go to bed. - See you in the morning.

- We're happy to sleep next door. - No, I've got beds fixed.

I'm not feeling crash hot. I'll go lie down.

- I'm off. - Was it no good?

- Are you going to bed? - I'm coming.

- Good night. - I'm going to bed.

What an amazing hand! I should win it all back.

- Time to go off to The Land of Nod. - Where's that?

- I'll come too. - To bed.

I don't want to go to bed!

We can sleep in that big tent.

- I want to, too. - There are goblins in the woods.

Come on now. No fuss.

- Good night. - Good night!

Yes?

- What are you doing? - I'm praying.

For my family.

- For everybody? - Yes, including mummy and grandma.

What do you pray for?

That everyone should be healthy. What are you doing here?

- I wanted to tell you that I love you. - And I love you.

I wanted to tell you in case you weren't alive in the morning.

Sometimes old people die in their sleep.

Sweetheart... You can't go around being sad.

I don't want to be without you.

I won't die like that.

I'll go and see Grandma too, in case she dies tonight.

Yes, you do that.

- Goodnight. I love you very much. - What?

- Goodnight! - Goodnight sweetie.

Kiss!...

...then off to bed!

- Are you coming to the tent? - I'm not allowed.

- We'll try and see ghosts... coming? - I'll get my shoes.

Here.

Thanks.

A family moves to the mountains in the early 1900s.

Everything goes well until winter comes.

It is a severe winter. It snows for 2 months straight.

Their food runs out, so the father goes off.

A week goes by, and another, without him returning.

So the mother set out.

The three sons wait for 2 weeks but nobody comes.

They start getting really hungry. They have eaten absolutely everything.

The eldest son sets off. And he doesn't come back.

The next son leaves, leaving the 9 year old all on his own.

- What was his name? - Shush!

His name was Robert, OK? Robert.

Robert is alone, and at last it stops snowing.

So he sets off. Otherwise he would have starved to death.

So he treks through the snow alone.

And what did he see? A big tree with 4 parcels hanging on it.

He opened them...

...and found his father, his mother and his brothers all frozen to death.

- Who put them there? - That nobody knows.

So he's very unhappy but he wants to keep a memory.

He saw his mother's ring but he couldn't get it off her finger.

So he hacked off the finger and took the ring.

He reaches a valley and a village where he's safe.

He builds a winter shelter for the poor, in memory of his family.

The years go by, it's Christmas and he is now over 40.

As with every Christmas he invites the poor to eat with him.

And four people dressed in rags come in to sit with him.

They wear big hoods, and they are starved.

Robert watches a woman, whose face is covered by the hood.

She eats her soup more slowly than the others.

He sees she has a finger missing. Her ring finger.

Robert is going to get a surprise. "How did you lose your finger?"

She just goes on eating.

"Has somebody cut off your finger?"

"Who cut off your finger?" But she doesn't answer.

"It was you!"

- That wasn't funny! - I'm scared!

- I didn't get scared. - One more! One more! One more!

- Fredo! - Roger, what are you doing here?

- I wasn't sleeping so well. - You attacked my wife!

He had his hand over my mouth!

Calm down or we'll wake up Mamie!

You go to bed. We'll talk about this in the morning.

OK.

- I'm really sorry. - Just go!

Good night... and thanks.

Are you just letting him go? I dread to think what he might have done.

One has to accept that one's family isn't perfect.

- You've been tempting him all day. - Me!?

In what way?

And he was a soldier. I have to be loyal to him.

Don't make a big issue of it! Nothing really happened.

- Roger's not in his bed. - Hasn't he come back?

- "Come back"? - He was in here for a chat.

- "A chat...?" - Yes... man to man.

- I broke a glass. - Go to bed.

- Do you want a drink? - Come to bed.

- I want to have a drink with Fredo! - You're insane!

- I should leave you! - So leave me!

Fuck off, you witch!

You understand me.

But she doesn't understand me.

We've been soldiers. We understand each other.

No, I'm a doctor.

You know how I took out those filthy Arabs.

How I cut their balls off?

When I came to a village, I could take what I want.

Now I'm bored to fucking death. It's all fucking boring.

I had a good time there. It never rained.

You're making too much of it.

Yeah...

The women there worshipped us. All of them.

Now I have to sit here and listen to crap...

...about the fucking Left... and feminism!

Day after fucking day!

I was a good paratrooper.

They don't want me back. They say I went too far.

You've got contacts. You could help me.

You were lucky to get off so lightly.

You could get away with it in Algeria, but not any more.

Chad is history!

There'll be more.

There's always more.

I want a war!

- Do you want to play doctors? - No... mothers and fathers.

Lie on top of me and rub up against me. Without your pants on.

- Like that? - Yes.

- How long for? - 'Til we fall asleep.

And kiss me on the mouth. Herpes isn't catching.

OK.

Like that?

That hurts! You don't know how to do it.

I'm going to pee. Then I'm going out to the tent.

Good night. Now I can sleep.

I've got my periods!

- What? - Wake up!

- I'm a woman. I've got my periods.

- Are you sure? - There was blood in my panties.

- But you're only eleven. - Some of my friends have got them.

Are you sure you didn't hurt yourself when you were cycling?

- I'll give you something. - She's so pleased with herself!

I got them so late!

Give her a kiss... It's a big deal!

- I don't get anything for it. - I don't know what I can say.

Here's your first pad.

- Do you know how to use it? - Yes.

- I've got my periods! - What are periods?

- I've got a pad, too! - Girls are getting their periods earlier and earlier.

Pierre's buying more baguettes. Give one to Albertine.

- Robert, give one to Albertine. - That's it.

- Here. - It's yucky.

Good morning everybody! Here's the news and the baguettes.

What's happened in the world?

It crashed in Australia... in the sea... Skylab.

Talk about being wrong. - But there was someone who died.

A guy saw something falling from the sky and had a heart attack.

- I told you it was nonsense. - It's still a relief.

- It could've landed on us.

We have to get a move on.

But what are you doing, Robert?

He's making a sugar sandwich.

- Haven't you ever done that? - Listen to your dad.

Stop this nonsense.

- How about a baguette? - Can I have some bread?

No... don't play with your food.

- There are children in Africa who are starving. - Stop it!

- No!

I think that's enough!

I'm getting attacked by a baguette!

We'll buy an answering machine so you can leave messages.

Cool!

Look after her now.

Don't worry. I'll do it.

Can we see "Alien" when I get home? I really want to see it.

- I'm a woman now, after all. - Does she want to see "Alien"?

You've got chocolate on your face. And the periods?

- They've stopped - Maybe it was the bike.

It's not good to get them too early.

Have a good time.

- Have a good trip! Where are you sitting? - Don't know.

Have a ball. Don't fight too much with Sissi and Robert.

- Bye! - It's moving!

- Bye - Love you!

- How about some crepes? - Good idea.

As much as you want.

- What are you doing? - Keeping an eye on Lucien.

Excuse me...

It is a great pity you don't want to trade places with us.

It would've been very nice to have sat with my family.

I think it's really unkind of you.

They have places called "table".

Book those next time you're on holidays.

Thanks, but I'm not on holidays...

- Is mummy getting us together? - Yeah, I'm afraid so.

Don't give me that "perfect family" crap.

What do have against me?

- Can't you just leave them in peace? - This has nothing to do with you!

You can take my seat. It's facing forward.

What's your problem? My seat's facing the right way.

- OK then... I'll move. - Thank you so much!

- I will not... - Don't be ridiculous.

- What is it... musical chairs? - She said she won't move.

Don't be so aggressive.

- She's disturbing everybody. - Take it easy.

Why do you fuss so much. You're not sitting with anyone.

Your wife is a troublemaker!

She's not a troublemaker. I think she's being quite reasonable.

- May I ask you your name? - What business is it of yours?!

- Jessica - Jessica...

- ... may I buy you a drink? - He's buying you a drink!

Of course.

- Bon voyage. - Thank you.

- Some people are so unpleasant. - Definitely.

- Can I borrow your Newsweek? - Yes. There's a very good article.

Shall we play "Crazy Families"?

- Happy now? - Definitely.

- Does Lucien get cards too? - Why not?

There's two of us, so we're sure to win.

Have you the daughter of the "Sleepy" family?

Here.

Don't show my cards. I want the son in the "Hungry" family!

Subtitles by FatPlank [RLB] for KG