Original subtitles

She was the first girl to see me naked.

Granted we were 7 years old at the time, but I had a feeling even then.

There's really something about the first girl you play doctor with...

Maybe it's cosmic or something,

or perhaps it's just that she's seen your package and didn't run away screaming.

Whatever it was, Allison and I were made for each other. A perfect fit.

So, when her family moved away, I knew that someday, somehow...

fate would bring us back together.

Berke.

Berke Landers.

It's me, Allison. Allison McAllister.

Of all the lunchrooms in all the schools in all the world...

that day she walked into mine. It was the perfect romance.

I was dating the most beautiful girl in school.

And the cool part... we still played doctor.

For the first time in my life, I was in love...

and I knew it would last forever.

Boy, was I a dumb ass.

We need to talk.

You know, everything in life, even the really great things...

run their course eventually, right?

Trends fade, bread moulds...

people die.

I guess...

Remember the first time we kissed?

The feeling, the sparks?

Well, now when we kiss...

the feeling is kind of...

is kind of gone.

And Berke...

I packed up most of your stuff. I thought it'd be easier.

Thanks.

My parents, Frank and Beverly, they host the relationship-advice show...

"Love Matters", which sounds pretty cool.

- This maximises the pleasure for both. - Exactly, right.

While simultaneously, allowing for face-to-face intimacy...

Coolio knows what we're talking about. You wanna take her for a spin?

We'll be right back.

- I have the CDs you wanted, mom. - Thanks, honey.

The guests get so cranky when you haven't heard their music.

You came home so early last night. Don't make it too flat.

- Is everything okay with Allison? - No not really. So maybe we can talk about it.

Berke, you know the rule. When we are not feeling sunny, we...

- I don't really wanna talk about it. - I believe the word is "share".

Frank, hon, apparently Berke has a problem with Allison.

- Snafu in the communication channel? - Boundary issues?

- Codependency? - No, it's nothing like that.

- Five minutes, people. - Sex.

She dumped me.

Poor baby.

This probably isn't the best place to talk about this.

- I wanna go home. - You're gonna be fine, man.

It's gonna be better than fine. Look at all these new and interesting...

Hey, that's my sister?

Hey, grabby hands, step away from the sister.

Shouldn't you be in like a pyjama jammy jam or something?

What am I, a year younger than you? Not that anybody could tell from your birthday presents... pink rollerblades.

- Pink roller blades. - It was a great gift.

- Sure. - Can I help you?

Come on, there's a guy in the corner who says he'll pierce our navels for free.

- What? - He's here. He's here.

- So? - I told him I was going out of town.

He's gonna freak when he finds that I'm here.

Al, you're free now. Don't you think he needs to start dealing with that?

You should've seen the look on his face, Maggie. He was devastated.

- It's gonna be a while till he gets over. - Are you sure you're over this?

Allow me.

Who is that?

Is this like your first time in the States?

Well... Lucky, right?

Are you guys listening to this candy-ass?

My father's in the foreign service. So I spent the last few years abroad.

Shanghai, Ludwigshafen.

In Amsterdam, I toured a bit with a pop group called Swing Town Lads.

- You know, I knew he looked familiar. - And the accent? Sounds like Madonna.

- She's here. - Who, Madonna?

No, Allison.

- It's perfect. - No. You are not going over there.

You go over there, you might as well put your stick on a cracker.

It's only gonna make you her bitch. You don't want that, it's bad!

Felix, I've taken pisses longer than your last three relationships.

- Thanks. - You okay?

Yes. Yeah. I think so.

Yes, well, it's a tad rough and tumble out there. Glad I was here to catch you.

I'm glad you were too.

You care to dance?

She's not your girlfriend anymore, man! You know, maybe that's not such a bad thing.

I mean, next year, you guys'll be going to different schools. I mean, what were you gonna do, marry her?

- I mean, who marries their high-school girlfriend anyway? - And don't say McCauley Culkin.

I think I'm gonna call her.

No! Negative! Have some self-respect, man!

You've called her 4O times already.

- Get out of my way! - Shit!

♪ I stand at attention whenever you're near

♪ Full speed ahead, girl 'cause it's clear

♪ that you are my love S.C.U.D. ♪

- He calls himself Striker. - "Love S.C.U.D."?

So what did you say when he gave it to you?

I don't know. He asked me out.

Don't be so nonchalant about it, girl.

I think that boy is razor fine.

It's so funny to be seeing you after so long

- My God! - Berke, don't, don't!

♪ And the way you look I understand that you aren't impressed

♪ I heard you let a little friend of mine

♪ take off your party dress

♪ Allison ♪

I can't believe you dated that loser for a year.

Did you hear that? The neighbours are screaming at you, Berke. Come on.

♪ My aim is ♪

Berke, your aim sucks.

All right, a little to the left. What direction do you think left is?

If you go with your instinct and reverse it, we have something.

How difficult is this? I'm so alone, I think.

- I'm trying. You're intimidating me. - You are frightening me. You understand that?

How do you get dressed in the morning? Do people come in?

"A Midsummer Night's Rocking Eve"?

Classical Shakespeare with a contemporary musical twist.

Hello? My God, how did you get this number?

You're kidding me.

Okay, either that man has no taste or he completely hates us.

I think it's a little of both.

- Lazario, how's that lobotomy working out for ya? - Asì asì.

What's with the smiling? A week ago, you were mired in rejected drunk guy mode.

- You passed the final or what? - No, I got a 57.

- Ouch. - Hello, ladies.

I'm sorry, man. I mean, that's gotta suck.

- Just a mild annoyance. - See? Yeah, there you go, all right?

- If she wants that clown, let her. - Yeah, for now anyway.

What's that supposed to mean?

If I'm gonna lose Allison, it's not gonna be to a turd like that, right.

- She likes something about the guy that Alison really likes. - Yeah, obviously.

Come on, Landers! Wake up out there!

Fancy moves, Crazy Legs.

- In your face. - God, there he is again.

I don't know, how you could take someone seriously, with an accent like that?

Berke, just face it, man, you're screwed.

I don't think so. I think I can take this "Backstreet" bitch.

Nice trick, Landers, catching the ball with your face.

Next think you know, you'll be shooting 3 pointers with your ass.

Berke.

Berke, stop! Berke, will you let me look at it, please?

- Just go back to practice. - Berke, talk to me.

I just don't understand how you can replace me with this guy.

Berke, no one can replace you, you know.

It's just time to move on.

Is everything just going great with this striker?

No, it's just... it's different, you know. I mean...

He's not like other guys our age. He's sophisticated and...

We're even gonna try out for the spring musical together.

You hate theatre.

No, I don't.

"Captain of the fairy band, Helena is close at hand."

- I understand every other word. - Berke!

- Hi. - What happened to your face?

- A long story. - Are you gonna try out for the show?

Kinda. So... Maybe.

You know, if you're serious about it, I'm kind of good at that stuff.

Really?

Have you heard her songs? She's only the next Josie Mitchell.

- "Joni" Mitchell. - I can actually use some help.

So tomorrow, coffee?

- Okay, coffee will be great. - Okay.

- Bye. - Bye.

- "If you're serious, I'm good." - Shut up!

Did you see Dennis staring at me again? I told you!

The first thing we need to do is pick out a monologue for your audition.

Here, this is good. Lysander, right here.

"She sees not Hermia, Hermia sleep thou there."

No, wait, you can't run all the words together. It doesn't work like that.

That's okay. We'll start from the beginning. It's hard to understand...

but once you get into it, the story's actually kind of good.

So Hermia, this girl here...

she's very rich and beautiful and she lives with her parents in Athens.

Now Hermia has everything a girl could ask for:

Cool clothes, nice complexion, and her pick of any guy she wants.

But of all the guys in the Greater Athens area...

Hermia's heart belongs to the handsome young nobleman Lysander

and this would all be perfect if it weren't for Demetrius.

Hermia's father already promised her hand to him.

He's just as charming and handsome as Lysander. Maybe even more so.

Not to mention, Demetrius will stop at nothing to make Hermia his bride.

This pretty much leaves Lysander screwed.

All right, I got it. You make it very easy.

We just started.

Kelly, I'm not trying to win the Oscar here, I'm trying to get my girlfriend back.

Thanks.

Hi, how are you? Hi, new faces! How are you today?

I'm Dr Desmond Forrest-Oates, Fine Arts chair...

and all that hoopla.

The purpose of this proceedings is to separate the wheat from the chaff.

And I think we might be amazed that among us is a new glimmering star.

Our school's next... Well, our next Peter Wong.

Hey, Petie, cool shirt.

Those who don't make the cut, please, I beg of you, don't despair. There's always stage crew.

If you ever had a conversation with a crew member, you know how fun that is.

I'm kidding. I couldn't resist it. You egg me on. That's the problem.

All right, the procedure is gonna be very, very, very basic.

We're gonna start with the singing audition, okay?

So loose up those diaphragms, kids.

It's time to impress.

♪ Where the bee sucks There suck I

♪ In a cowslip's bell I lie

♪ There I couch when owls do cry

♪ On the bat's back I do fly

♪ after summer merrily

♪ Take a look, here I am Can't you see?

♪ One simple smile from you could set me free

♪ So if you take a look, let your heart be your guide

♪ I'll show you love, if you

♪ take a look at the girl inside ♪

- That was fun. Who's the composer on that? - Me actually.

I'm sorry, were you expecting applause on that? This is audition, not TRL.

Who's next? Bentley Scrumfeld...

one of the originals Swing Town Lads, if I'm not mistaken.

- I see you know your boy groups, sir. - I follow the popular arts.

- To me, they're so dope. - If you don't mind...

I'd like to accompany myself.

Put that down.

This one's kind of a personal favourite of mine.

♪ It's so funny to be seeing you after so long, girl

♪ And the way you look I understand that you are not impressed

♪ But I heard you let that little friend of mine

♪ take off your party dress

My...

♪ Allison

♪ I know this world is killing you

♪ Allison

He's the best one. He's the best one we've seen so far.

♪ My aim is true ♪

Very nice, Mr Striker! That is very impressive indeed!

That's... that's wow...

- Well, if there's no one else... - Wait!

- May I help you? - Berke Landers. I'm here to audition.

Berke Landers. Goody for me.

I'd like to read a monologue by Oberon, in the third act.

Well, I can't wait to hear it. But first I need to hear your singing audition.

- Excuse me? - The procedure, Mr Landers,

is that we sing first and then we read later.

Jessica, could you help me here? I'm...I'm sinking in quicksand with this boy.

- Sing first. Read later. - Sing first. Read later.

- Any song? - Any song you want.

♪ Kiss a little longer Make it last a little longer

Projection, Mr Berke! Projection.

♪ Kiss a little longer Stay close a little longer

♪ Hold tight a little longer Longer with Big Red

♪ That Big Red freshness lasts right through it

♪ Your fresh breath goes on and on while you chew it

♪ So say goodbye a little longer Make it last a little longer

♪ Give your breath one lasting fresh

♪ with Big Red! ♪

- What's going on? - Nothing, I'm just watching Chester screw the rubber tree.

- What is that, some expression? - No, no. My aunt's dog is with us for a couple of weeks.

Apparently, he's got some sort of hormonal imbalance.

- Is Kelly there? - What?

- Kelly, your sister, is she there? - Why?

'Cause she did a favour for me today. Just put her on, okay?

Okay. Hold, please.

Berke Landers. Since when did my friends start calling you?

Since today.

So how was I?

You were really... okay.

- I thought you knew about the singing. - A minor detail.

- You were cute. - Wanna tell Allison that?

- I hope you get in the play. - What?

Felix? I can hear you breathing!

Hello?

All right, everyone, coming through! Out of my way!

Part, please. Excuse me. Thank you.

Okay...

Demetrius! Congratulations, fair Hermia.

- You're kidding. - I knew you'd get it.

All right, people, this place is gonna rock.

Chorus? You gotta be shitting me.

Helena? My God!

- Good news. - Sorry. I had my heart set on that part.

- That's good. - Look, there's you.

Let's hope attendant number three doesn't have any solos.

- Felicitations, Miss Woods. - Thank you so much.

- It's a lead role. - I know.

Methinks thou best not botch it.

I remember what the wonderful Bobby De Niro once said to me.

Well, not to me, but I read it in an article.

And it was concerning landing the big roles. What he said was...

"Just because God blesses you, does not mean...

there isn't another sneeze coming."

Anyway, I see you at Thursday's rehearsal. You too.

Dr Forrest-Oates, that's kind of gonna be a problem.

See, next week, we got all the basketball playoffs.

Let me tell you something, bub:

This is your theatrical début! I want you to take it seriously!

I want you to give it half the dedication, just half...

that I gave my own!

To be or not to be, that is the question.

Those were the salad days.

Although these are good.

Thursday, none of this. Jock head.

Let's go, Jessica. What are you? Come on, come on.

Excuse me, I'm a teacher. Thanks.

Let's go, let's go.

Where you going, man?

Landers?

So in summation, Lysander loves Hermia, who loves Lysander...

but is betrothed to Demetrius, who in turn is the object of Helena's affection.

Now do you see the fun of it? It's all hell done break loose.

Mickey Rourke said a wonderful thing about having fun.

He was at some big soirée that Liza Minelli was throwing...

Mr Landers, how nice of you to join us.

And thanks for not showering. What a super instinct.

The secret to all this, you see, is that our four young lovers...

are not as in control of their romantic destinies as they think.

Because in the woods we have what?

- Fairies. - Fairies, fairies! Spirits, spirits!

Specifically, Titania, Oberon and Puck.

- Little Steve. - "Steven".

Who delight in manipulating the human hearts for sport.

It really is fun to see a bunch of fairies...

- Holy shit, Little Steve, you've got wings. - Well, you've got fairy dust coming out of your ass.

Come on, guys, let's stir up some trouble.

Fair Hermia, thou art so incredibly hot and stuff.

- Hey, Red, follow us. - You can't see us, but you will obey.

Yo, dude, someone's scamming on your chick. Time to kick some ass.

Demetrius, what say you?

Relent, sweet Hermia, and you, Lysander...

- yield thy prized title to my right. - On guard.

- There's no sword fighting in this play. - Well, now there is.

Off you go.

When it rains, it pours.

Mr Landers!

Are we having REM?

Musical Shakespeare, calling my sister...

- She's helping me out. - My sister?

- Yeah. She knows what she's doing. - Whatever. This isn't about her.

This is about you running after Allison. I'm sorry, it's bullshit.

See you out there.

That's it. We gotta find that boy somebody, quick.

You don't just arbitrarily replace someone's soul mate.

I mean, look at that old lady from "Titanic". She never got over that.

I'm not just talking about anybody. You still take shop with Dora Lynn?

Yeah. Last week, she nearly took out half the class with a nail gun.

So she's a bit clumsy.

Thanks to good old Lynn, Bergwell has to take a crap standing up.

We're not asking her to build an apartment complex, are we?

- Why do you think she's gonna do it? - Your problem. I take care of Berke.

Dennis heard it firsthand. The girl's completely into you.

- No, that's bullshit. - Why would I make this up?

All right, I'm presenting you here with a golden opportunity.

The Stanley Cup of blind dates.

New Zealand's gift to Rosner High. Those eyes, that mouth, the rack...

Are you forgetting something?

- Okay, she's a little accident prone. - The girl's a walking disaster.

- Where she goes, bad shit happens. - My God.

I mean, weird bad shit happens.

She missed six years of high school. She was in a coma for Christ's sake.

Berke, she's beautiful, she's built.

She's willing to lower her standards. I don't see anything wrong with this.

- It's your turn to get the ball. - I'm not getting it, you get it.

Hey, Dora Lynn. Dora.

- I kind of got this favour to ask. - Favour, what kind of favour?

Berke, don't be nervous. I'm here because I want to be.

- Me too. - We never had a chance to talk.

I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I was busy with Allison...

...and you had your hands full with... - Coma thing?

Yeah.

You know, Berke, it's all about new beginnings.

That stuff about me being bad luck, ancient history.

I'm moving on with my life, and you're moving on with yours.

Sorry.

Would you excuse me for one minute? I kind of have to...

Pee?

Waitress, can I have some more tea?

Tits!

Check, please!

♪ I'm dreaming of a boy A very special guy

♪ I wish that I could pluck a fairy from the sky

♪ to cast a spell upon my pride and joy

♪ I'm dreaming of a very special boy

Time. Time.

It's just not very good. I could lie to you...

but I would do you a disservice, because it's just bad.

You've got to commit.

♪ I'm dreaming of a boy A very special guy ♪

And then: I wish that I could pluck

I wanna see you pluck it, you know? We'll talk about it later.

Enter, Theseus. Now, attendants...

a rogue suitor is spooning with the master's daughter.

This is totally scandalous.

So you must look shocked, amazed. Let's see you look shocked.

I said shocked, Mr Landers, not constipated.

My dear God. Go, Del.

Go bid the huntsmen. Wake them with their horns!

What can I? You'd tell me if you'd had a stroke.

- What? - What?

Are you lost?

No, actually I signed up for stage crew, and I...

Stage crew? Then shouldn't you be over there?

Right.

My Lord, I shall reply amazedly, half sleep, half waken.

I came with Hermia hither. Our intent was to be gone from Athens.

Where we might, without the peril of Athenian law, be wed.

- Save it for show night, Wong. - Sorry, Striker.

You know what, I'd ask what the hell you're even doing here!

But if some stranger had dazzled his way into my ex-girlfriend's fancies...

I probably would do the same thing. Only I'd have a bigger part.

You dropped your sword.

I am so sorry. Big game.

Substitution.

- Sorry, there was a big accident. - You're lucky I'm not Bobby Knight.

We got playoffs, and you got an obligation to the team. Now go!

Yes, sir!

Landers, nice ass!

I'm gonna go now.

- I'll see you guys later. - Have a good night.

Don't stop because of me.

Sorry. I just never get to play a real piano at home.

So, you've been a busy guy lately.

Yeah, dating a pyromaniac, showing my ass in public.

Well, it's all in the name of love, right?

Right.

- Play me something. - No.

- Come on, sounded good. - I'm embarrassed.

I love writing songs, but it...

- What's the problem? - Well, you were at the audition.

Forrest-Oates hated my song.

Well, I admired you for putting yourself out there like that and...

For whatever it's worth, I thought it was a really nice song.

Thanks.

This is a song I wrote.

- A, B, C, D, E, F, G - God!

Go ahead.

H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P

Show-off.

How do you feel about half naked women?

- Can you tell me where we're going? - Dennis and I discussed and decided...

that this is exactly what you need.

It looks like we have a very special guest with us tonight.

A young man recently jilted by his long-time ladylove.

See you later, Casanova.

I've got something for you.

- What's that? - It's Monday madness. You know what that means.

Behold my majestic corselet form!

Police! I wanna see some IDs, and I wanna see them quick!

- My God! - Sorry!

Can somebody get me down?

Please! Jesus! Mother of God!

I must say you surprised us, Berke.

It's not everyday a cop says your son's been pinched in a sex club.

- That said, we've discussed... - And we'd just like to say...

- we're so incredibly proud of you. - What?

For getting on with your life. Most kids your age...

are way ill-equipped to deal with heartache.

But not you, mister. You got right back on that horse.

- Or should I say suspension harness? - Stop!

I just got arrested. Shouldn't you be like pissed or something?

Why? Sexual curiosity is perfectly natural.

We just had no idea you were so kinky. Hey, who's up for frozen yogurt?

Sounds good to me. But Berke may wanna go home and polish the rocket.

Yogurt is good.

- Okay, Dennis. - What?

Bring her up.

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing prisoner number 6943.

Bravo, Landers! Bravo!

You know, you do take a stunning picture.

I'd be careful about that accent. You're sounding like Mary Poppins.

I don't know what you're blathering about, but if I were you...

- What? - Are you wearing makeup?

That's it.

Careful, Landers, I do believe you're trifling with danger!

Who keeps nunchakus in their pants?

Peter Wong is down!

Look on the bright side, Wong. You're a singer, not a dancer.

I'll kill you, you ass-kissing, pretentious, swing-town-twit!

This is my theatre! My show!

Forrest-Oates is my special buddy!

- That was intense. - I'd never seen a bone like that.

All right then. Everything is going to be fine, according to paramedics.

In fact, Peter will be back on his feet in no time.

Still, in the words of the wonderful Kevin Spacey: The show must go on.

Since curtain's in three days, I'm accepting offers from volunteers...

to the role of Lysander.

Put your hand down, little Steve!

No, Striker, you already have a role.

Yes, I know. But I was wanting to nominate someone.

Well, that's very flattering indeed...

but I don't think a man of 34 can possibly keep up with you youngsters.

Actually, I was referring to Berke Landers.

Well, that's an intriguing thought. Any other ideas?

One that I might use? Put your hand down, little Steve!

He's green to be sure, but he does demonstrate a certain enthusiasm.

I'm in.

- You're in? - Yeah, I'm in.

Jessica, call Domino's. We'll be here awhile.

And keep icing your front bum! Swelling continues without icing!

And I need you! Not really.

- So how many swords do we have? - Seven.

- Eight. - If Allison doesn't appreciate it...

Then what?

- I heard your dialog, you're fine. - Yeah, but what about the singing?

Well, the music sucks, especially my song.

- Why don't you rewrite it? - Forrest-Oates would never go for it.

Kelly, you're the best one in the play. You know more than he does.

Yeah, but he doesn't see it that way.

Forrest-Oates just cast me as a lead. He's an idiot, Allison.

- My name is Kelly. - What did I say?

- Allison. - No, I didn't.

- You did. - I'm sorry.

- Prepare to die. - You shouldn't be playing with that.

For... Put it down. Put it... Kelly...

We have a 18-year-old white male with a puncture wound to his left arm.

- I'm sorry. I thought it was a prop! - I wanna see it.

- No, don't look at it! - It's pretty bad, isn't it?

No, it's fine.

Here. Listen to me, Berke, the doctor is gonna fix your arm.

I'm gonna help you rehearse, and you're gonna be the best Lysander ever.

And your arm is really not that... My God!

I'm just saying that Thursday night you kept Kelly's ass out until 12:15.

Felix, it's Kelly, all right? She's helping me out with the part.

Just keep an eye on her. Some theatre guys have this reputation of being...

- Gay? - See, that's what they want you to think.

I'll keep an eye on her.

- So when your parents leave for this affiliate stuff? - Tonight. Don't even think about it.

- What? - I hear your brain planning a party.

No. I'll see you guys later. I gotta get something.

- Why is he going in the music store? - He's probably buying tap shoes.

Which only further demonstrates my point, my friend.

That man is in dire need of a party.

- I know you're busy. Just one sec. - Miss Woods, please, come in.

Fun hair clip.

- I wanna talk to you about my song. - "A Pocket Full of Dreams."

I originally wrote that tune for Miss Diana Ross.

Miss Ross, I've written a very groovy song! I think you'd...!

That's my hand, buddy!

Miss Ross, Miss Ross! Diana!

Unfortunately, the lawyers got involved and then...

bullshit, bullshit, bullshit...

and then, the next thing you know, no deal.

- It's a great song. I love singing it. - It was fun to write.

I was wondering if you wouldn't mind if I made a few suggestions.

You made some suggestions?

"Weary night, abate thy hours."

I just figured... You know, like you said, the song really isn't working.

I'd like you to do me a favour, if you will, Miss Woods.

I'd like you to read this poster and tell me what it says at the bottom.

"No food or drink allowed in the auditorium at any time..."

It says, "12 original songs by Dr Desmond Forrest-Oates."

- That part. - Yes, that part.

It doesn't say, "Additional lyrics by little miss sassy-pants."

You know, some of those lyrics are Shakespeare's.

And what was the last tune you hummed from "Macbeth"?

Bill Shakespeare is a wonderful poet, but Burt Bacharach he ain't.

- Sorry, I'm late. - It's okay. I was just getting lucky.

- Chester! - We need to find this dog a date.

- So how was Forrest-Oates? - A bigger asshole than I thought.

- This will make you feel better. - A gift? Berke.

- First we rehearse, okay? - All right.

♪ So that's the girl that I've got to have

♪ I'll tell you why ♪

It's 21 hours until the play, and I'm actually starting to suck more.

Let's just put the songs aside for a sec. We'll work on some dialog.

We're at the point where Theseus has just woken everybody up.

All right.

- Hi. - Hi.

Okay, the scene is between you and Hermia. So pretend I'm Allison.

- Sure. - As difficult as that might be.

No, go ahead.

So Theseus says, "Go, wake them with their horns."

Hermia says, "Methinks I see things with parted eye...

when everything seems double."

Okay, I got it.

My lord, I reply amazedly...

half asleep, half waken.

I came with Hermia, hither.

Our intent is to leave Athens where we may be married.

And then there's the kiss, that's gonna be with Allison.

Right.

In this case...

Shit. What?

- Let me take a shot. Berke's there? - Felix, where are you?

Big party. Hey, listen, tell Berke he might wanna stop by.

- Some people are asking about him. - We gotta go to your house.

Well, well, I'm impressed. Turnout's not half bad.

- Where's Felix? - Dude, you should really breath, man.

- It seems you're gonna stroke out. - I'm gonna look for him over here.

You realise, I'm going to kill him.

- If it isn't my beauteous co-star. - Have you seen my brother Felix?

Fair Helena, you're so tense. A few pre-show jitters, perhaps?

Or maybe some love pangs for a certain you know who?

- You! - Berke! What's up, what do you think?

What do I think? What do I think?

- What are you talking about? - What do you girls see in this under-educated wank?

Perhaps you could take me out to the veranda and... edify me.

Shit, it's Striker.

- Look, I'll see you at the show. - What the hell's going on?

- Nothing. Just a bit of tomfoolery. - Felix, I'm handling it.

No, you're being handled by leather pants here. There's a difference.

- I think you better go. - Come on, I'd fool around on Allison?

You know how damnable it would be. Where's the grub? This way? Thanks.

Guys, is it just me or this punch tastes kind of funky?

There's chunks.

Hi. I've been wondering where you've been.

We have to talk about Striker.

No, no. You will stop at nothing, will you?

Allison!

Striker?

- Allison! - Maggie.

Allison, I'm so sorry.

You can all just go to hell.

Hey, you...

sorry about this whole party thing. My brother is kind of an asshole.

Kind of?

I'm seriously considering telling mom where he keeps his porn.

That was a joke.

Kelly, why do you hang out with me?

You have better things to do than waste your time with a hapless loser.

- You're not a loser, Berke. - Allison thinks so.

Allison is an idiot.

I have done absolutely everything for that girl.

She just doesn't get it.

I can't do this.

Kelly, I think you're great, but we can't do this.

You're Felix's little sister.

- Screw you. - Kelly, wait a second.

That came out wrong!

- What was that? - It's not what you're thinking.

What the hell's gotten into you?

Well, well, why am I suddenly glad we left the conference early?

- I don't recall anything about party. - We could've sprung for a DJ.

Make sure you put the furniture back when you're done.

Judy just took a dump in our pool, and you wanna spring for a DJ?

That's what makes us so fly.

We trust you.

You're my parents for God's sake! Stop trusting me!

- Judy... - I'll go get the skimmer.

- Well, this is pretty interesting. - It was nothing.

Kelly, I was there. He kissed you.

And I don't know why he did it. He's pretty screwed up right now...

Look, I kissed him too.

Yes, he is screwed up, and he likes someone else and it's a problem.

But, Felix, it's my problem.

Look, you know I'd be lying if I said I was happy about this.

But if Berke can't see what an amazing person you are...

then I'd say that he's the one with the problem.

Good night.

Hey, it's me, it's Berke. I just wanted to thank for all your help.

The guy at the music store said that songwriters use these things, so...

If anyone can fix Forrest-Oates' song, it's definitely you.

Just know that I believe in you, Kelly.

Break a leg.

Hey, let's mess with the mortals one more time.

Boyfriend will be tripping on this.

- One more dose for Mr Morose. - Time for a little wake-up call...

and I'm out of here.

And in the woods, where the scents are sweet...

there my Lysander and myself shall meet.

Maybe it's time you started dreaming of someone else.

Berke, you were my first. No one's ever gonna replace you.

I've dazzled my way into your ex-girlfriend's fancies.

You were the quintessential high school couple.

She's not your girlfriend anymore, man!

I'm moving on with my life, and you're moving on with yours.

- Are we freaking you out? - Yeah, we're freaking him out.

- The costumes just arrived. - Thank Buda.

And your wife called. She might not make it to tonight's performance.

- Did she say why? - It was difficult to understand.

And, sir, there is one more thing!

Del Molden Junior is sick.

- My dance partner? Shit! - That's enough of you, muck mouth!

He got some tainted fruit punch last night, and won't be able to perform.

Not that it matters. The entire production's going down in flames.

I'm curious if anyone feels they can fill the little boozehound's place.

Good. Let me ask you this...

Is there anyone who, at all, is good on their feet?

A shuffle or a turn or an attitude of any kind. With a pose.

Well, sometimes, coach Hibble calls me Crazy Legs.

Does he?

Wait a second. Maybe if you took a half step back before the spin.

Okay, just follow my lead.

I learned this from watching in the wings.

- Shouldn't you be getting ready? - I am, I'm in makeup.

Listen, I need you to do a favour for me.

Ladies and gentlemen, please sit. The performance is about to begin.

It's over. After this one, I'll be directing on the streets.

Hey, break a leg.

Raise the curtain on the tragedy that's befallen the Bard's greatest comedy.

- I'm praying for you, sir. - Thanks.

♪ Did you ever read a Shakespeare play

♪ and never understand a word they say?

♪ Tonight, we're gonna make things clear, 'cause Shakespeare's dead

♪ But we are here

♪ William Shakespeare wrote a play a long, long time ago

♪ about this chick named Hermia and the two guys who loved her so

♪ They said, "Hermia, please, be my girl"

♪ But she only wanted one

♪ In the night, the fairies came to play, that's night we have our fun

♪ - 'Cause I love him - And I love her

♪ If only her best friend he'd prefer

♪ And so the fairies all hatched a scheme

♪ in this Midsummer Night's Dream

♪ Midsummer Night's Dream

♪ Midsummer Night's Dream ♪

- Look, there's Helena. - Fair Helena.

Call you me fair? That fair again unsay.

Doesn't Kelly look beautiful?

Demetrius and Lysander love you, fair Hermia.

Happy fair.

- Do it - Yeah, baby

Do it

♪ It's fun to be a fairy and fly from town to town

♪ Our fairy dusty will keep you up You won't come down

♪ It's fun to be a fairy and wear such pretty things

♪ It's fun to carry love juice on your fairy wings

♪ What fools these mortals have been

♪ They try to make love and make a comedy

♪ Why can't these mortals learn a fairy up above will never burn?

♪ - It's fun to be a fairy - That's right

♪ - It's fun to be a fairy - That's right

♪ It's fun to be a fairy

♪ - It's fun to be a fairy - Give it up, give it up

♪ It's fun to be a fairy

♪ It's fairy power! ♪

That was... that was okay.

Relent, sweet Hermia.

And, Lysander, yield that crazed title to my certain right.

You have her father's love, Demetrius. Let me have Hermia's.

Do you marry him?

Shit box. Dick weed.

It's so real, you can almost feel the tension.

Word.

♪ Why won't you love me?

♪ - There's a girl - Who says she don't love me

♪ - So that's the girl - That I got to have

♪ - I'll tell you why - She's everything a girl ought to be

♪ - And that is why - I can't understand why she don't love me

♪ - Hermia - I'll make you love me

♪ Hermia, I'll make you care

♪ Never before has a girl loved me more

♪ I'm begging, Hermia

♪ Please, love me

- Bitch. - Pansy.

♪ - Please, love me ♪ - Asshole.

I'll apply to your eye gentle lover's remedy.

And when thou wakes, thou will tak'st true delight

in the sight of thy true lover's eye.

Okay, people, we're back in 20.

Berke, I wanna talk to you about something. Can we go somewhere?

Well...

I can use a drink.

- You're not equipped to deal with this. - We're talking an 800 number.

- I called them once for advice. - Really?

Yeah, I had zits on my balls.

They're gone now.

Gentlemen, I'm here for a favour.

In act 4, scene 1, there's a particular effects cue.

- The volk tube crescendo. - Right. Now, is this the one?

No. That one could take out a village.

I see.

Well, I was wondering if you might be able to detonate it a bit... early?

- Isn't it before Mr Landers cross? - Look, all it will do is scare him.

I can signal you by raising my sword, like this.

About this whole thing with Striker. I'm sorry, I didn't believe you.

I'm sorry you had to find out liked that. It kind of sucked.

Look, I know I don't deserve to ask you anything right now, but...

if I can just have one wish...

it would be that we could go back to the way things were, you know?

- I mean, the friends part. - Yeah, sure.

And as for the rest of it, well...

we'll just leave it up to fate.

Did I mention there was US$47 in it for you?

Not bad.

I believe, Mr Scrumfeld, we have an understanding.

Remember, gentlemen: When I raise my sword.

Hey, the music's been good.

But you know that song "A Pocket Full of Dreams"?

- Down here we call it "full of ass". - That's it. There's been a change.

This is different.

A spell's been cast, the lovers sleep.

Though in repose, fair Helena's love for Demetrius grows.

Weary night, abate thy hours...

steal me awhile from my own company.

♪ Let me sleep For when I sleep

♪ I dream that you are here

♪ You're mine

♪ And all my fears are left behind

♪ I float on air

♪ The nightingale sings gentle lullabies

♪ So let me close my eyes

Jessica! Jessica!

♪ And sleep perchance to dream

♪ So I can see the face I long to touch

♪ to kiss

♪ But only dreams can bring me this

♪ So let the moon

♪ shine softly on the boy I long to see

♪ And maybe when he dreams

♪ he'll dream of me

♪ I lie beneath the clouds

♪ and whisper to the evening stars

♪ They tell me love is just a dream away

♪ A dream away

♪ A dream away

♪ So let the moon

♪ shine softly on the boy I long to see

♪ And maybe when he dreams

♪ he'll dream of me

♪ Dream of me ♪

Go bid the huntsmen. Wake them with their horns.

My lord, I shall reply amazedly, half sleep, half waken.

I came with Hermia hither. Our intent was to be gone from Athens...

so we might without the peril of Athenian law be wed.

- However... - What?

"However"?

My lord...

we slept and slept...

as well you know. Things do change...

as love did grow.

Although, in ways fair Hermia's soul and mine shall forever intertwine...

alas, we must forever part.

For Io to another...

belongs this heart.

Wait a second, wait a second! You can't do that!

You can't just change 400-year-old literature!

It's not even supposed to rime!

Fine. I can do it too.

I do not like in the boat, I do not like it in the car. How's that?

Stop cheering!

Stop cheering!

Stop cheering!

Do it. Now!

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

What's that?

It's applause, sir.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you!

- My God, are you crying? - No, you're squeezing my puncture wound.

Make it a little more like this.

- You were trying to fly into my seat? - No.

- Come on. - Well, maybe just a little.

You see? I knew it. You're so bad. I love it.

Just hold on one second.

I'll be right back, okay?

So, you and my sister, huh?

- You're not gonna hit me again. - No, but I'm not thrilled, all right?

But if it has to be somebody...

...I'm kinda glad it's you. - Thanks.

- Hey, Kel. - Hey.

- Good job. You guys were good, funny. - Thanks.

- Listen, I'm... I gotta go. - You and Dora Lynn?

- Aren't you kind of worried about? - Accident prone? No, no.

I think Dora Lynn is about to have a change of luck.

Go, Felix. I'll see you guys later.

- All right. Let's go get dim sum. - Bye, Berke.

That's okay. That's fine.

He blew off that stage 2O feet at least.

And then she took off like this beautiful spaceship into the night.

- We burnt the shit out of his face. - Tomorrow night, same thing.

So my theatrical début, what did you think?

- You were strong in the last act. - Yeah, I was good.

- We gotta do it again tomorrow night. - How do you think it's gonna end?

We could bring back the always popular Big Red song.

- I'd rather be shot with an arrow. - I thought it was a prop.

Yeah, yeah.