Original subtitles

Well, which one is it?

[inhales deeply]

Hmm...

This one?

Are you asking me or are you telling me?

-Trust myself. -Mm-hmm.

Trust myself, okay. [inhales deeply]

Hmm.

This one.

That is Navajo sand.

-I don't even know why I'm here. -Yes?

You should be doing this yourself.

[laughing]: Oh, stop it!

No, don't you leave me.

[both laughing]

I'm not leaving you,

-I'm showing you. -What?

¡No mames!

My good-- This is crazy.

-This is cuckoo. -Mm-hmm.

What you guys have done in seven weeks is just incredible.

Like, what are you... are you witches?

Are you witches? Where's your broom?

Well, I tell you what, that's what your plumber's

been calling me all week.

-How rude! -I don't blame him.

Hey, who's having fun without me?

-Get in here! -[gasps] Get in here.

Is this it?

-What is, what is this? -Diego?

On our show, we were always going to hand-craft

a personalized memento for the new homeowner.

-No... -CRICKET: Yeah.

And when we demolished your old out-buildings,

we reclaimed some beautiful rustic pine

and we made this box with it.

Ah, guys, you did not have to do that.

You stop this right now. [chuckles]

Now, I covered the box in molted snake skins,

you know, that I found around the property.

Mostly rattlers and copperheads,

which I think is appropriate because you were in

the Culebra drug cartel,

and culebra in Spanish

means s-s-s-snake! [hisses]

Ow! Ow, you almost bit me! Of course, of course.

No, that makes so much sense. To be honest,

we do have a lot of snakes on the property.

-Oh, tell us about it! -Yeah.

Oh, and the initials, D.S.-- Diego Santos.

We recovered from an old Dos Equis box

we found in the garage,

because we know that's your drink.

[laughs] You know me too well.

Don't tell anybody, huh?

Now, I lined the inside with crushed red velvet...

a classic-- so you can use this box

for anything special you see fit.

That's right-- anything important to you.

-Yeah. -You know, loose change,

car keys-- I don't know-- dominoes.

Um, I think I know

exactly what I'm gonna use it for.

[all laughing]

You rascals.

Guys, this is too much.

You know, this and...

Wow, wow, wow, wow. I... I feel seen.

I feel looked after and, and heard.

It's all because of you two. Thank you so much.

It's what we do, okay? It's who we are.

Don't tell anybody, 'cause I will deny it, okay?

But I am so happy that I did not kill you.

It's a, like, good decision, organically, it feels that way.

-That means a lot, Diego. -Thank you so much.

But listen, we're not done yet. We got to put

the finishing touches on this. Get it ready for your big night.

You guys have to come tomorrow night. Please, please?

-Where we gonna go? -Uh...

-CRICKET: Don't have a choice. -Oh!

-[laughter] -Let's get ready for a party, huh?

You put these on us!

-I know... -So we're stuck!

Don't you try to run, 'cause...

[imitates gun firing]

[both shouting]

[all laughing, clamoring]

CRICKET: Hands up!

[all laughing hysterically]

[Spanish music]

DIEGO: Ooh, if only I had something to drink.

Oh, where could I find something to...?

-[oohs and aahs] -Uh-oh.

Very cool, very cool.

Okay, ooh, but my hands hurt, you know?

Maybe from all the killing, you know?

What could I do about that?

[opener whirring]

[Spanish music]

I'm not doing anything...

but holding the bottle.

[speaking Spanish]

Oh, you're looking good-- don't outshine me!

-Okay. -You think now?

Yeah, there's no better time than now.

-Yeah, you're right. -We-we can do this.

-You're right, okay. -Okay.

[laughs]: It's my suit! It's mine.

Oh, my goodness, my celebrity designers-- hi!

My goodness, can you believe this?

I have been living in this house for five years.

This is the first party I've ever thrown.

-It's crazy. -Well, I've got

a feeling there's gonna be so many more parties here.

Oh, my God, do you mean that? Thanks so much for saying that.

And you know, you wouldn't believe who's here.

Oh, just everybody who's anybody, you know?

Okay, so that guy over there with the red tie?

That's Armando, okay? He used to work for me,

and now because he's the deputy mayor of Ensenada...

doesn't return my phone calls.

What a dick.

And right behind me...

Whew, don't freak out, okay?

That is Charlette Gutierrez, you guys.

Please tell me you watch Secretos y Sangre?

-No. Yeah. -[stammering] I-I think we may...

-May... -...have seen it.

Oh, no big deal, she's only the biggest TV star

in all of Mexico!

She's here in my house.

Hola. ¿Cómo estás?

She just waved at me! Let's go outside.

There's many more people to meet.

Yeah, but, oh, oh-- real quick, though.

-[grunting rhythmically] -Diego? Diego?

Diego, just real-real quick. [stammers]

We just wanted to put a teeny, tiny, little bug in your ear.

You know, since we're kind of all wrapped up...

here with this project.

Yeah, and just, uh, floating a-a balloon--

a minor balloon-- uh, do you think we can figure out

a-a timetable for Cricket and I heading back...

MAN: San Diego Diego!

Oh, jefe, thank you so much for coming.

That's so sweet of you. Welcome.

You have a very nice place here.

I'm thinking perhaps I might be paying you a little bit

-too much. -[chuckling nervously]

No, there's no such thing.

Have you met my designers?

This is Jann and Cricket Melfi.

And this is Rumualdo Vasco... my boss.

"San Diego Diego"?

That's a fun nickname.

Oh, he hasn't told you, eh?

Diego here grew up in San Diego.

He's not a true Mexicano.

Very close, very close to the border...

Well, San Diego is a beautiful city, and there are

-worse cities to be... -Did you do that banner?

Oh, please, that was all Cricket's vision, okay?

She wanted to accentuate the entrance, like a castle.

It was a real bugger to hang, and I, that was...

Yeah, I-I-I had an artist from Guadalajara

hand-craft it from virgin alpaca wool.

-Very majestic. -Thank you.

Have you seen that show, uh, Pros & Connellys?

Because I'm a big fan of Chazz and Tiffany's designs.

Hmm...

-Never seen it. -Mm-mm.

DIEGO: Are you kidding me? These two

are so busy, in order to work for me, I practically

had to drag them down here kicking and screaming!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Too soon? [laughing]

I did do that.

He was very afraid, in particular.

And they put this whole thing together in just seven weeks.

Can you believe that?

That's very impressive.

I've been trying to remodel my beach house

for two years now.

And I had to get rid of, uh, three people.

You mean, you-you fired them or...?

It's just very difficult to find

passionate designers like yourselves.

Oh, say no more, jefe.

Please, it would be my honor.

My designers are your designers.

Consider them a gift

-from me to you. -I'm sorry...

-Uh... -I'm sorry, what-what was that?

Are you sure about this,

-San Diego Diego? -Yes, of course!

Cricket was just telling me that she's

completely done with my house.

And we have a very special agreement, right?

So they are all yours, jefe, all yours.

-Oh, buenísimo. -Just invite me

to the housewarming party, huh?

You have great booze. Marco!

What's happening...?

Please drive the Melfis over to Rumualdo's house and make sure

they have everything they need to get started, okay?

-No... -No problema. Vamos.

-No, no, no. Diego! -[shushing]

[Marco speaking Spanish]

[Cricket whimpers]

Wait, h-hold on a second!

Marco, what just happened?

You just got a promotion.

Congratulations.

Working for Rumualdo's a big deal.

No, no, no, no. See, we finished Diego's house,

-so we're done. -Yeah.

No, no, no. You'll know when you're done.

CRICKET: Okay, well, listen.

Real quick, Rumualdo said that he "got rid"

of his last interior designers, right?

Did he get rid of them or did he get rid of them?

-Well... -There's a reason

Rumualdo is called Pesadilla.

Pasadena-- like where the Rose Bowl Parade is?

Pesadilla.

It means "nightmare."

Like, a nightmare that a lot of people

don't wake up from.

So you better not fuck it up, eh?

[sighs]

Not-- yes, I get it!