Original subtitles

DIEGO: Hey, hey, hey, hey!

That is pure garbage. No, excuse me.

I didn't have dinner, patrón.

Yeah, well, that's not my fault, okay?

Listen to me-- I can't always let you eat junk food, man.

I mean, what the...? Potatoes...?

Do you want a heart attack?

Dude, stop it, stop it.

No, don't make me slap the hand.

I'm sorry, we're not taking that.

-I want them... -I understand. Here you go.

Of course you should eat something.

-Here you go... -Apples hurt my teeth.

-[speaking Spanish] -First of all, inside voice.

Second of all, your teeth hurt

because you're always eating sugar.

Plus, we have an excellent dental plan, cabrón.

-Okay, why am I paying for it? -[speaking Spanish]

Why are you arguing with me in front of people?

-Okay, thank you so much. -[speaking Spanish]

Don't get sulky with me, cabrón.

Okay? I don't like a sourpuss.

-Patrón, I'm hungry. -I can be the bad guy.

I don't care, but it's for your own good.

I can be the bad guy, you know?

You'll thank me later.

MARCO: Sí, sí, sí, sí.

-[alert beeping] -[Marco sighs]

DIEGO: Seatbelts, please.

-MARCO: Cabrón! -And thank you.

Seatbelts, please and thank you.

[Marco speaking Spanish]

DIEGO: Okay? We're not animals.

KISS FM 98.1, please.

The oldies, you know I like that.

[engine starts]

[muffled sobbing, murmuring]

CRICKET: Shh, shh, shh, shh.

JANN: I'm scared.

CRICKET: I know. Me, too. I love you.

JANN: Save me.

CRICKET: Shh. It's okay.

-Save me... -Shh, I got you.

I got you.

[both whimpering]

[ominous music]

♪

-No puedo. -Thank you for trying.

-Sí. -[Jann whimpering]

Thank you for trying. [speaks Spanish]

[Cricket shushing]

CRICKET: Don't cry, my love.

Listen, we did it.

We reached our dream.

JANN: I don't regret a single step

of this journey with you.

Oh, honey, your hands are so cold.

CRICKET: Well, y-you're not touching my hand, sweetie.

-[Jann exclaims] -What? What?!

-Oh, no! Dead... -Dead hands? Dead hand?!

Excuse me, do you know there's someone else back here?

Someone dead!?

Oh. Oh, yes, I'm very aware.

Thank you very much. Yeah.

Coincidently, it's the reason why Javi's a little cranky poo.

You know, eh, he was gonna have to dig one hole,

and now it's three, so... you can understand, I'm sure.

[Jann and Cricket crying]

Rest easy, my love!

We've had big, full lives.

JANN: Yes, but no one will ever see our video.

I mean, all that work and we'll never get to submit it.

That's what haunts me.

CRICKET: Uh, excuse me, up in the front.

Uh, yes, you in the back. [laughs]

CRICKET: Is there any chance you made

a copy of our video, maybe just, you know, for posterity?

Oh, you mean the last evidence of you two alive?

Um, I don't think I'd like to have that in my possession.

Thank you very much. [chuckles]

Like, what am I, stupid?

No, no, no. So, no. The answer is no.

No, that's gone.

We have a crew stripping the house right now.

-They're burning the computers. -CRICKET: Oh...

JANN [crying]: Oh, God!

If an artist dies before

the world gets to see his masterwork,

is he truly an artist?

CRICKET: Listen to me.

I saw your art.

I see the artist.

And I see you.

JANN: And I see you, my love.

You can't see fucking shit with those bags on your heads!

Shut up.

[Jann whimpering]

Javi, cabrón, too much, man.

[both crying]

-Find your center, like we talked about. -Mm-hmm.

And deep breath, okay?

Uno, dos y tres.

[both inhale deeply]

[speaking Spanish]

[exhales slowly]

I'm not hearing your breath, Javi.

[Javi exhales]

There we go.

That's a release.

[Jann whimpering]

Out of the car!

Let's go.

JANN: No. No. No! No!

No, no, n-no!

Please, no. No!

CRICKET: I love you!

[whimpering]: I love you.

[tense music]

♪

You know, I like my house.

I do, but I don't love my house.

The only reason why I bought it to begin with

was because of all the windows.

Look, windows everywhere.

Somehow, never any natural light.

So frustrating.

Explain that to me, you know?

And... [speaks Spanish] "Flow"?

When you walk into a place, and you feel, like, an energy,

like, a vibe, like...

-Feng shui. -Feng shui, yes!

The feng shui has always been very jerky.

Not into it.

Oh, huh.

Oh, and you best believe I want a wine cellar.

[laughs] A big one with one of those,

you know, bottle openers that you press the button,

and it comes out-- you got me hooked, mister.

Eh, pardon me, Mr....?

How rude of me. I'm so sorry.

Diego-- please call me Diego.

-Yes, uh, Diego. -Mm-hmm.

Why are you telling us this?

Ah!

Because that, cabrón,

is how you're gonna pay me back the money

that you stole from me.

-With interest. -You want us to

hop on over to the Pottery Barn

and get you a wine opener?

[laughs] No, silly.

You're gonna renovate my house.

I-I-I don't understand.

[stammers]

Do you realize what you did?

You renovated a meth lab...

an abandoned meth lab.

And you made that place into paradise

for $500,000.

Grand scheme of things?

That's not a lot of money, you know?

I mean, you still have to pay it back, of course.

[inhales deeply] But I thought to myself,

what could these gringos do with a real budget

and a house with good bones? [sniffles]

You know... dream with me. You know, let's envision.

-Let's envision this. -Uh-huh.

Ah... [speaks Spanish]

Okay...

so we renovate your house and...

then you let us live?

Like, to be perfectly honest, like, maybe.

It depends on how good your design is.

Uh, hey, what's that game that they should be playing?

No, don't tell me. No...

Design It or Die! [laughs]

I can't take credit.

That was all Javi, and that was a good one.

Can I talk to you a minute, carnal?

Oh, excuse me, please. Of course.

One minute, one minute. Over here...

We have to figure out a way to get out of this.

-He's gonna kill us. -We can't run--

that big, tall, skinny one's staring right at us.

Just shh, just shh.

Pull it together.

Forgive me. How rude. [laughs]

So, what do you say-- are you ready to play

Flip it and Gone with Cricket and Jann?

Understand, the "gone" part does not apply to you.

You're never leaving México.

We're in Mexico?

DIEGO: Oh! [sputters]

Muchachos, how rude.

Bienvenidos a México.

Welcome.

Thank you...[stammers]

-Gracias. -De nada.

So... what do you think?

Be honest with me. I can take it.

Um...

I-I'm sorry.

[speaking in Spanish]

Watch your pinkies, watch your pinkies, watch your pinkies!

I need these hands, you know, for-for my purposes. [chuckles]

Well, for starters, you're gonna want to get rid of this gravel,

and put in a proper driveway.

It's like telling your guests to fuck off.

Oh!

Want better energy flow?

You're gonna want to get rid of these monstrosities.

These shutters give me diarrhea.

Where are you living, Shreveport, huh?

Is they a hurricane a-comin'?

[shutter crashes]

Whoa, wow...

My God, it's better than the show.

-[glass shatters] -It is better than the show.

CRICKET: Single-pane windows?!

Are you shitting me?!

[windows crashing]