Original subtitles

Josh: We're live with the final event.

Candice the Crusher is gonna try and set the world record.

And go!

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Grunts ]

♪♪

[ Grunting ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Slow-motion laughing ]

[ Slow-motion ] Go, Candice!

- [ Grunts ] - Ooh!

- Aah! - Whoa-oh!

Ugh!

[ Cracking, zap ]

[ Air whooshing ]

Wha-aaah!

Candice!

- Aaah! - Aaaaaaah!

What the hell are you guys -- Oh, crap!

What's happening?

[ All scream ]

Turn off the thermostat!

[ Grunts ]

[ All grunt ]

[ All groaning ]

Damn it, I just took a picture!

♪♪

♪♪

Last time, I got to eat ice cream for dinner

so I wouldn't remember they were late.

But I do remember.

Yeah, my dad moved out when I was 4.

I remember that, too.

- Hey! - Hey!

Yay! Do I get ice cream again?!

Ha ha. What do you mean?

Play this right, and you'll get a waffle cone.

Emily, Joshua, I was so worried when you didn't show up.

Is everything okay?

You guys want to sit down, have a juice box?

We can't. We gotta --

Guys...

Never say, "I can't," always say, "I'll try."

[ Chuckles ] Let's sit.

I'll try.

Guys, I'm concerned that Candice

hasn't turned in her patch yet

for the family tree quilt project.

This empty space is where Candice's project would go.

I never heard about a quilt project.

Look, sorry, I know you're new here at Chamomile.

It's a tough school. Not every family is up to the task.

Candice's project needs to be done by tomorrow

so we can present it at the event in the morning.

Event? What event?

I sent you guys the class snap.

Okay, guys, remember the family heritage event is tomorrow,

and each student will present their patches to the class

and parents, so don't be late![Slurps]

But if Candice isn't able to participate,

I'll be forced to give her an "A".

- Oh! - Oh!

Which stands for "Almost acceptable but not quite."

And I don't usually like being that harsh.

- Oh. - Oh.

You know what? We're gonna do the hell

out of that project.

Yeah! We're totally going to

kill it at the presentation.

Make those other kids' patches

look like S-H-I-T!

Total S-H-I-T!

Are you guys spelling "shit"?

Damn it! Those teachers are good!

So glad we can send her to that school.

O-M-G!

We get to take care of Candy Cane?!

A few quick questions before you go.

This is so not happening.

What? Why? We live together.

Can't you baby sit for one night?

Babysitting doesn't exactly gel with my plan to get off tonight.

And I -- Wait, get off from what?

You don't even have a job.

Come on, Alex.

Ohh! Orgasm?!

You're trying to have an orgasm tonight

and that's why you can't help

look after this beautiful, angelic child?!

Oh, my God! What's that?!

- Huh? - Huh?

[ Both grunt ] [ Tires screech ]

Bye!

♪♪

♪♪

[ Gasps ] They got churros here?!

Josh, we didn't come all the way down

to the Fashion District to get churros.

Since I'm an expert haggler, I'll buy the fabric.

You just need to buy the thread.

Got it! This is for Candice!

Candice!

- Huh! - Huh!

Does anybody know where I can find thread?

Thread?

[ Speaking Spanish ]

Thread! Does anyone have any thread?

Oh, you're selling Nintendos? [ Bell ringing ]

[ Munching ] Have you guys seen thread?

[ Bird squawks ] [ Gasps ]

That's the coolest thing I've ever seen!

Yes, Señor, Pájaro Pals.

Where we make birds... look like you!

Lookin' good, Bird Josh.

[ Squawks, speaks Spanish ]

[ Chuckles ] Love you, too.

[ Grunts ]

My wallet! Hey, kid!

[ Breathing heavily ]

Bridgette: Where's Candice? She isn't in her room.

I don't know. She said she was gonna go grab dinner!

5-year-olds don't just grab dinner.

You have to order it on GrubHub for them.

Candice!

- Candice! - Candice!

- Candice! - Candice!

Dinner! Is it okay if I hang out over here with you guys?

Sure, Candice. Let your landlord, Pearl,

take care of it for you.

Randy, set a plate!

Ma, I'm trying to focus! [ Grunts ]

This anniversary gift's never gonna look casually artful!

What's casually artful?

Well, it's like a thing

that doesn't seem like it takes a lot of work

but it kinda does and --

- Here's a heart. - Eureka.

Children are the future.

[ Sighs ] You're not gonna believe what happened.

Josh? Where have you been?

- My wallet got stolen! - What?

- Oh, my God, are you okay? - No! I'm not okay.

My freaking Togo's card was in that wallet.

I had nine punches on it!

Aw, they got the thread, too?

[ Inhales sharply ]

I never had time to get the thread.

It took me a lot longer than I thought to get that BJ.

What?! [ Bird squawks ]

BJ! Bird Josh.

Uh! Josh! You had one job!

Woman: The Fashion District is now closing.

Ah!

Consuelo, wait! I need that fabric!

[ Laughs evilly ]

Oof! Ah!

No!

Ugh!

We're never gonna make this quilt in time!

Maybe Bird Josh can help. Go on, find our car, boy!

[ Speaks Spanish ]

[ Squawks ]

Love you, too!

He's not coming back. That's not what he's saying.

What was that?

I don't think we're alone.

Hey, that's the kid who stole my wallet!

I worked hard for those Togo's stamps!

[ Grunts ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

Oh.

Whoa!

Ugh!

[ Breathing heavily ]

You know, you can't just take things that don't belong to y--

I mean, maybe you can?

I don't want any trouble!

[ British accent ] No, please, good sir. Scold us some more.

Oh, you guys are just kids? Wh-Where are your parents?

These are the only parents we got!

[ British accent ] Mind the world-class stitchwork, sir!

Grandad just got into an accident.

He got trampled by horses, he did!

Oh, my God.

So... you guys are really good at sewing?

Oh, Josh, you find that Togo's punch card?

- Mummy! - It's Mummy!

Yep, here she is!

Why are these adorable British street urchins

calling me Mummy?

They're gonna make the family quilt for us!

Josh, they stole your wallet. They're bad kids.

Please, miss, we're not bad kids.

My name is Calamari.

And these are my friends -- Walleye, Tilapia,

Troutface, and Scrode.

[ British accent ] It's pronounced "Scrawd"!

Can you really make a quilt for us?

Yes, we can!

And all we ask for in exchange

is some sweet, sweet parenting.

Ehhh?

♪ We're making a quilt for Candice ♪

♪ A family tree quilt for Candice ♪

♪ These orphans took us to this factory ♪

♪ Dangerous machines, so much to see ♪

♪ It kinda all smells like rat piss ♪

♪ But we're doing it all for Candice ♪

♪ Oh, my God, that kid just fell in a vat ♪

♪ Did anybody else notice that? ♪

♪ And I think that kid is hand-less ♪

♪ But we're doing it all for Candice ♪

♪ In a cave, a giant rat attacked us ♪

♪ But we're doing it all for Candice ♪

[ Whistling ]

Wait, this totally isn't a sweatshop, right?

Maybe?

♪ But we're doing it all for Candice ♪

[ Both gasp ]

All: Ta-da!

Whoa. Everyone's gonna see

that we're totally the best parents at that school!

Can we ask one thing before we give you the quilt?

- What? - Could you tuck us in?

Of course!

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

Sorry I spent all our money on zoot suits and churros.

Sorry I got too obsessed with bargaining.

I don't know if it's the moonlight through the smog

or the toxic fumes in this alley,

but you look so sexy when you're being a good parent.

Scrode likey. [ Giggles ]

- Hey, you. - Hey, you.

- Last night was so great. - Really great night.

Really, really great.

Aah!

[ All snoring ]

What happened to the British kids?

How'd they get so gross?

We're not gross,

and we're not kids, and we're not British!

- What have we done? - It's 8:00!

We've gotta get this quilt to Candice before school!

[ All groaning ] Mummy. Daddy.

- We're not your parents! - Of course you are.

That was the price for the quilt, remember?

Remember?

Together: Mummy. Daddy.

Run!

[ Both breathing heavily ]

Josh!

Get 'em!

- [ Gasps ] - [ Whistles ]

[ Both breathing heavily ]

[ Grunts ]

♪♪

- Aah! - Aah!

[ Squawking ]

Bird Josh, you came back!

[ Whistles ]

[ Screeches ]

[ Speaks Spanish ]

Bird Josh!

No!

Josh, get in the car!

[ Tires screech ]

[ Both breathing heavily ]

[ Sniffles ] He was a good bird.

He was a greatbird.

[ Laughing ] [ Both scream ]

Sign me up for karate classes!

[ Tires screech ] Aah!

Let me know when the calendar comes out, boys!

All your sweet little asses.

Oh, my God! Is everything okay?

Well, everybody's fine,

and they managed to get Candice off to school,

but it certainly wasn't pretty.

Had to cut Alex out of the vent like he was a can of tuna.

[ Gasps ] Alex was stuck in the vent?!

Yeah, yeah, whatever. She said everybody's fine!

[ Engine starts, tires screech ]

Dumbass white people.

Hi!

I made my quilt patch all by myself!

- Oh. - Oh.

That's really great, Candice.

I'm so sorry guys. Thank you.

We learned a lot.

About Candice. About each other.

But mainly we learned we never want to have kids.

So glad we got divorced before that happened.

Gotta say, you get a solid "F" in my book.

[ Both gasp ]

Which stands for "Finally doing something right."

Most parents at this school

don't even let their kids do their own projects.

[ Both laugh nervously ]

Get rid of it!

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