Original subtitles

♪ upbeat music ♪

♪ It's Showtime tonight ♪

Previously, on Black Monday.

You are not needed, Keith!

You are nothing.

Blair, I want a baby.

The answer is, "Fuck no. Are you crazy?"

I'm just some "mom-a-be" hocking Skants

to a bunch of Bible-breeding bitches

on a channel in the teens!

Hey, I told you, really. I'm done with that stuff.

How quickly can you get behind

- this bank bailout? - That's just not gonna happen.

You're a man of influence.

Your bank bailout for the video.

VHS tape was released, showing

newly-elected congressman from the 13th District...

Roger, I am so fucking sorry.

♪ dramatic music ♪

At least I don't work for the FBI.

He was the guy behind that whole

Amerisavings shootout shit.

You're the one trying to fuck over the AASF fund.

- You are? - Marcus...

I'm the one who leaked the entry.

I'm over all y'all.

Power to the people, motherfuckers.

Dawn.

Dawn! Dawn!

- Wait, Dawn. - You lying fuck.

You told me in Miami that you were out.

How do you just lie to people in their fucking faces?

I wasn't--listen! Listen.

I wasn't lying, okay?

I was out, but at that time--

And you were the one who blew up my fucking bank deal?

My God. What the fuck?

You are obsessed with me.

Yeah, but at that time--

"At that time." Say it one more time.

Say it one more fucking time.

- At that time... - At that time...

- You just-- - ...at this time,

and for all fucking time, we are done.

We are done forever!

Jesus. Come on, Dawn.

Will you stop being so goddamn drama--

Hey! Hey!

- Where you think you're going? - Shit.

Here. Just--no, just take it.

Dawn. Slow down.

Will you let me explain?

♪ tense electronic music ♪

Miss Tiffany, excuse me for waking you,

but your makeup is complete.

What the fuck, Marina?

I said, "do a rocker eye," Marina.

Oh, but you fell asleep.

I used the magazine you gave me for reference.

No. No, I meant this.

Doesn't that make more sense for religious-based programming

as opposed to full-faced fucking Kiss makeup,

Marina, doesn't it?

Oh, I'll get the cold cream.

Fuck me, Jesus.

Permission to speak freely.

What? Go.

No, I meant, permission to

speak, comma-Frehley,

like Ace Frehley, the guitar player from Kiss.

'Cause your look is wowza.

It was only supposed to be heavy around the eyes

'cause I need them to run like a river when I cry out there.

Wait a second. That's your plan?

Sympathy tears while you blame your evil husband

and promote your new special, Gene?

I don't have a new special jean.

No, I meant, promote your new Christmas special,

comma-Gene, like Gene Simmons.

'Cause of your whole-- the Kiss makeup.

Yeah, that's hilarious, Blair,

but I just got thrown off my own special,

thanks to you.

Now ALF is hosting it by himself.

My brand is butt-fucked like you on that tape.

Why did you release that?

Whoa. I didn't do that.

Why would I do that?

Besides, I'm all over that tape.

I'm arguably the star.

Why would I want the world to know

I roll my Rs when I orgasm?

Why do you do that?

It's just something I picked up

from Raul Julia.

From what movie?

Yeah, from a m-m-movie.

Look, I can fix this for both of us,

but you have to put me on the air.

Ha! That's cute, Blair,

but I think I'll just tell the world

that we're getting a divorce instead.

That's the only way to save my reputation

and Pfaff Fashions.

You think a divorce is gonna jibe

with your new "wholesome, family-first" image?

Tiff, I know this is the last thing you wanna hear,

but the only way to save your brand and yourself

is to double down on me, your husband.

"Stand by your man," "Jesus saves"--all that.

I can fix this for us.

There's only one person to blame for what happened, Tiff.

Let me go out there and explain that to your audience

and make this right.

Fine, but you have to tell Leonard Nimoy

we're bumping him again.

Tough but fair. Kiss?

Oh.

My God, of course.

You meant, tough but fair, comma-Kiss.

- Mm. - Calling me by the band name.

It's a bit of a stretch.

So tell me, what is Jasmine Guy really like?

And I see you are not a story editor

from A Different World, working on

an AASF-themed episode.

I just told your assistant that so you'd see me.

Good lie, specific.

Course, I'm not surprised, considering lying

is what you're best at.

I deserve that.

Please hear me out.

You have until the feds come humiliate me

in front of my peers, which, I assume,

is any minute now.

A scandal like this could take down the whole AASF.

How could you do this to me, Dawn?

To anyone?

'Cause I'm a bad person.

Because...

...I'm in a--I'm in a bad business,

and I'm just really good at it.

I don't even know anymore.

You're not that good at it considering the FBI's

about to take down every person you've ever known.

I didn't wanna take that money.

I didn't wanna risk the kids' futures.

I tried to turn it down.

But you did.

Yeah.

'Cause when you looked at me, I really...

I just really wanted to be the person that you saw.

I didn't go into this to hurt you

or scam you...or anything.

Trust me.

Believe it or not, I still do.

Unfortunately, that doesn't change

our current situation.

But what if it could?

How?

♪ melancholy music ♪

If you transfer $3 million into an account

in the Cayman Islands,

we can sink that FBI bitch for good

and save the AASF.

Marcus, I can fix this.

Dawn, I can fix this.

Dawn, will you slow down? Give me a chance to explain.

Look, you're in high heels. You're gonna get a bunion.

- You are a bunion on my life.

And why is everything always about feet with you?

I don't know. I love them.

Listen. I was out, okay?

But then you tried to erase me from the company that I built.

- It pissed me-- - We built!

- We built! - I got angry.

Okay?

You know how hard it is to be

the first black man with his own shop on the street?

Dawn, come on.

- See?

There you go--bunion. I told you.

- You want me to rub it out? - No!

And you know what? You're right.

I'm sorry. I didn't think about that.

It must be really difficult

to be a black man on Wall Street...

- Thank you. - ...like one-millionth

as difficult as it is to be a black woman

on any fucking street.

Huh.

At least you can get a cab.

Don't follow me.

53rd and 5th.

- Okay, you know what? - Oh, my fucking God.

You are always complaining and bitching about

how much you help me.

How 'bout how much I've helped you?

Just admit it.

You couldn't stand to see me doing better than you...

- No-- - ...without you.

That's why you blew up the bank.

- No. - Shit.

If this is you helping, stop!

- Hey, let me out. - Pay up, pal.

- We haven't even moved! - Meter's running.

Jesus Christ.

This is an expensive fucking fight.

And at my lowest point,

after I'd been betrayed by my husband,

the Lord spoke directly to me.

He said, "Tiff...

to err is to be human;

to forgive is to be divine.

Allow your audience the chance to be divine."

And so by direct orders from God Himself...

ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

my husband...Blair Pfaff.

Thank you, Tiffany.

Thank you, Pfaff Flock.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Ooh.

Every time a person's nervous,

the microphone feeds back.

It's like,

"Do these things sense nerves or what?"

- You're not funny.

Anyway...

I have something here that I think will explain

the sinful acts that transpired between

the late congressman and I.

What in the H-E-double-hockey-sticks

does this boy have up his sleeve?

Congressman Harris' suicide note.

"Dear Blair, I need to apologize to you.

I take full responsibility for coercing you

into the sinful, decadent,

and unnatural temptation

that is homosexual fornication.

Satan took my hand and placed it on your knee,

forcing you to be gay,

which is why, today,

I will take my life,

along with your homosexuality,

with me to Hell...

where I belong.

You can now go back to being straight forever."

Amen!

"I would say, 'I'll see you on the other side,'

but of course, you will be in the kingdom of Heaven

while I burn in Hell."

"The end. Fondly, Roger."

Take her down, Lynette. Lynette!

Dawn. Dawn!

- Listen. Hey, listen.

The feds were onto you and TBD.

Okay? I had no choice.

I had to make a deal with them to try to protect you.

Bullshit.

The only person you ever protect is you.

Did you or did you not put me and Blair into this shit

to save yourself?

No.

No. What?

No.

Look...

...they had shit on us.

They had sh--they have shit on us.

Dawn, let--let's just disappear,

me and you, for good.

♪ somber music ♪

It's our chance to get out of this shit.

We could go to the Maldives tonight.

It-it'd be like-like '78 forever.

Come on, Dawn.

You know you're the only thing I ever cared about.

That's why I was gonna propose to you back in the day.

I mean, I...

...I sort of did propose to you on Black Monday.

You always complain that

I don't wanna make you my partner.

I was trying to make you my partner in life.

Doesn't that matter even more?

No.

Wow. No, it doesn't.

Idiot.

Mo.

I need 85 cents.

Come on, you owe me that at least.

Operation Free Mo brainstorming session,

now in...session.

No bad ideas. Go.

Kill yourself.

Are you fucking crazy, Alvin?

You think I'm gonna write "kill myself" up here?

- You said "no bad ideas." - Alvin.

Honestly, I can't see any way out of this.

- Except... - Except nothing.

The FBI won't even return my calls,

which isn't a good sign for your deal or for me.

Fucking FBI.

They're just trying to pressure us, okay?

It's what they do.

They're a bunch of fucking teases.

They're coming for you any minute.

Now if we're moving away from the suicide area for sure...

We are.

...then you have two choices:

turn yourself in and save everyone...or run.

And fuck everyone.

Jesus, no.

I can't fucking be the bad guy again.

I'm not gonna run.

Plus, the feds have my passport.

There are other passports.

Hey. What about Dawn?

There's no way her passport would work for you.

Did you not have breakfast this morning or something?

No, of course I didn't have breakfast.

It's 3:30 in the morning.

You called me and told me to get my ass over here

with a whiteboard.

I had to bring it on the 6 train.

- These kids jumped me. - Alvin.

They pissed in my bag!

What's going to happen to Dawn?

I don't know, but I do know what'll happen to you--

life in prison.

This new three-strikes rule is nonnegotiable.

If your FBI deal is off,

then you're gonna go down for everything,

last year and this.

Add to that your Panthers arrest

and that DWI you got when you were 16.

That was a DWB, all right, "driving while black."

Technically, it was a DWBJ, if you know what I'm saying.

- You punched a cop. - Yeah.

Mo, my expert legal advice is run.

♪ dramatic music ♪

Leisure time, Lenny.

I got the Wall Street board game.

You can be the coke straw.

- Lenny?

- Lenny? - Ta-da.

Hot stuff coming through.

Ah, fuck m-me.

Hey, let's go out tonight, Larry, and-and get some Betties

and paint this town semen.

Mm. So is that attached to--

Ligaments and nerve-endings? Yep.

- Wow. - I taste metal

or blood every time I take a step.

- Well... - But other than that,

I'm 100%, baby.

Hey, what is that? Is that for me?

- Oh, nothing. - It's got my name on it.

I, uh, thought it might upset you,

so I threw it away.

- It's from Keith. - Hmm? Who?

"I can't believe you betrayed me.

- I thought we were friends." - He's being dramatic.

"You ruined Phantom for me

more than Sarah Brightman's pitchy understudy ever could."

I don't think that's possible.

"Please release me from your Lloyd Webber of lies."

Look on the bright side;

it's back to just us.

Keith was deadweight anyway. We're all we need.

We're all we've ever needed.

Lenny.

Did you do something to Keith without consulting me?

What if I did? This is my company.

It is our company, and I have been running it

by myself, without you for months--okay--

while taking care of you.

Running it into the ground!

Amerisavings & Loan, the Yen trade.

I guess it's true what they say,

that I've always been the brains of the operation.

Well, I guess that makes me the body.

And our little brother, Lonny, would have been the heart,

but you ate him in the womb.

Rumor!

But I never could have mustered the strength

to come forward without Pastor Newell Swafford's

conversion program.

Praise the Lord!

With the miraculous help of Dr. Gabe Egone,

I no longer have a gay bone in my body.

And believe me, ladies and gentlemen,

I did before.

But don't take my word for it.

I have proof.

Tiffany, darling,

would you like to tell everyone,

or shall I, darling?

Uh, tell them what, Blair?

Uh, our big surprise. Duh.

Oh, she's being bashful.

We haven't even told our own families yet,

but...since we consider all of you

our real family, we might as well

just get right to it, right?

I'm scared.

Oh, we're both scared

because you can never be too prepared to become...

parents.

- That's right.

Tiffany is with child.

Our firstborn, Blair Jr.--boy or girl.

Am I right?

Dump this feed right now,

or I will put a hex upon your kid

that'll span generations!

Dump the feed. Dump the feed!

And if that news wasn't amazing enough...

we got one more little surprise

in store for y'all.

The master pastor himself

has landed for the first time

in years.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please "praise" the roof for

Pastor Newell Swafford!

Come on out, Father!

Oh, praise him!

Tiff, come and join me.

Come on.

Come on.

Come, come.

Oh, if it wasn't for this man

and his amazing conversion program,

I would still be deep in the annals of anal.

But his work needs your help to continue.

So if you believe in this man and his power to heal,

please dial the number on your phone

and donate, donate, donate!

Oh! Oh!

Pastor, look at the numbers climb.

Oh, boy. Oh!

Yes!

Praise Him.

Oh, operators are standing by.

- Ooh! - Tiff. Tiff.

Ooh, we are a witness tonight

miracles do happen.

- Oh, Jesus. - Keith. Keith.

I-I don't know what my brother told you.

Uh, nothing, just that he's alive,

that you're not my friend, you never were,

and this entire time, you've been using me.

You're just gonna throw me back in jail.

Well, yeah, that's an accurate description of our plan,

but what he left out was the part where

I got to know you.

- And I genuinely like you. - Yeah, right.

That's why I rushed over here the second I got your note.

Look, ever since my brother's accident,

there has been this darkness in him--

or more darkness--

and he's jealous of what we have.

But you know what?

I don't give a rat's ass what he thinks.

You don't?

I don't, Keith.

Now why don't you put those wheel-boots away,

and I'll-I'll prove it to you?

♪ Nat King Cole's "Daisy Bell (Bicycle Built for Two)"♪

♪ Daisy, daisy ♪

♪ Give me your answer, do ♪

♪ I'm half-crazy ♪

- ♪ Over the love of you ♪

- Oh! - ♪ It won't be ♪

♪ A stylish marriage... ♪

Make your own money, ya piece of shit!

♪ A carriage ♪

♪ But you look sweet ♪

- ♪ Upon the seat of ♪

- Oh! - ♪ A bicycle built for two ♪

Get your own watch, sucker!

♪ Daisy, give me ♪

- ♪ Your answer do... ♪

Oh, you've found your calling, mister.

- Thank you.

♪ It won't be a stylish marriage ♪

I gotta get this framed.

♪ I can't afford a carriage ♪

- ♪ But you look sweet ♪

♪ Upon the seat of a bicycle built for two ♪

- Tiffany!

You cannot possibly be upset right now.

They love us.

I fixed everything, and you got everything you wanted

and a baby.

And I used "annal" and "anal" in the same sentence.

I want a divorce.

♪ solemn music ♪

You and what army?

An army of fucking attorneys,

that's what goddamn army, you fucking psycho.

Pastor Swafford, what a pleasant surprise.

I hope you're not too ground-sick to notice

you just made a one-day fundraising record...

and climbing.

Hate for your flock to find out

it's all based on lies,

that you leaked the tape or that conversion therapy

is utter bullshit.

I underestimated you, Pfaff.

I've never been accurately estimated in my entire life.

So what do you want?

I know how close you are with the governor.

You're gonna ask him to do me a favor.

Oh, he said, "What do you wanna be holding?"

I didn't know. I said, "balloon."

What a fun day.

I mean, any day not spent

emptying my brother's shit bag is a fun day for me.

Thank you, Keith.

I'm happy to have you back in my life

as a friend, of course.

- Oh.

And I promise, I'll be honest from now on.

Me too.

Um...

there's actually something I've been meaning to tell you.

Hey, Keithy, come on. You can tell me anything.

You know the Yen trade?

Sure.

The FBI caught wind that

that was insider information,

and they are after us.

The FBI are after us? What the fuck, Keith?

What the fuck did you do to us?

Oh! My brother's gonna kill me.

He's already up my ass about how I'm running the company,

and then when he hears that the Yen trade

that we lost a fortune on is highly fucking illegal...

It's my fault, and I am sorry, okay?

But I have a plan to make this right.

Just trust me, okay?

All we need to do is pin it on a patsy, all right?

People do it all the time; Lee Harvey Oswald, the O-ring.

It'll be easy.

Okay, but you gotta

come with me to tell Lenny.

I mean, he's gonna be crazy-pissed,

but he's-he's gonna know who to pin it on.

- Okay. - Besides, you two need to

bury the hatchet.

Oh, you should come to

our annual camping trip at Wolf Lake.

- Oh, I-I-I wouldn't-- - No, it'd be great.

It was our favorite place to go when we were kids.

Yeah, it's, uh--it's where we fell in mud,

where we lost our Virg-inia Slims.

When we were kids, we would steal

our mother's cigarettes, and then we'd throw them

in the mud.

Okay, a lot of weird pauses in there, but sure.

Sorry about the pauses.

♪ melancholy music ♪

Hmm.

Fuck.

He lost?

- What? - The election tonight.

Harris, he lost. That's why you're--

that's why you're all upset, right?

He hung himself.

What?

He won...and then he hung himself.

'Cause of his father-in-law,

Pastor Newell Swafford,

leaked a tape to Channel 5 News of us fucking.

"This just in..."

That was, um--that was really insensitive.

I'm sorry.

That's why you're sorry, huh...

not for you turning me into a fucking maniac?

♪ tense music ♪

You fucking maniac.

Blair...you're going through something really emotional

right now, which is why I'm not gonna

stomp the shit out of you,

if you get out of my face right now.

I'm not a good guy, man.

Something funny?

Yeah.

You were right, Mo.

"Fuck 'em all, or get fucked by 'em all,"

even the ones closest to you.

Well, hell, especially the ones

closest to you.

Look at you and Dawn.

You just keep ruining each other

over and over and over.

What's the point?

Well, life is the point, Blair.

I mean, if you're not even gonna try to love anybody--

You're fired.

And you and me...

we're done forever.

♪ somber music ♪

I never thought I'd say this,

but it finally feels like

we're over all our bullshit and back to us,

and it's 'cause of you.

You've really changed, Momo.

So happy re-birthday. Get it?

Love, Dawny.

♪ dramatic piano music ♪

♪ The O'Jays' "Back Stabbers" ♪

♪ What they do? ♪

♪ They smiling in your face ♪

♪ All the time, they wanna take your place ♪

♪ The back stabbers ♪

♪ Back stabbers ♪

♪ They smiling in your face ♪

- ♪ All time ♪

♪ They wanna take your place ♪

♪ The back stabbers ♪

♪ Back stabbers ♪

♪ All you fellas ♪

♪ Who have someone ♪

♪ And you really care, yeah... ♪

So what do you want?

I know how close you are with the governor.

You're gonna ask him to do me a favor.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Somebody's out... ♪

If you transfer $3 million into an account

in the Cayman Islands,

we can sink that FBI bitch for good.

♪ Clenched tight in their fists ♪

I have a plan to make this right.

All we need to do is pin it on a patsy.

♪ What they do? ♪

♪ They smiling in your face ♪

♪ All the time, they wanna take your place ♪

♪ The back stabbers ♪

♪ Back stabbers ♪

♪ They smiling in your face ♪

♪ I don't need ♪

♪ Low-down and dirty bastards♪

♪ Back stabbers ♪

♪ They smiling in your face ♪

♪ Da-da, da-da-da ♪

- ♪ Da-da-da-da ♪

♪ dramatic electronic music ♪