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1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
2
00:01:48,052 --> 00:01:49,714
Hello?
3
00:01:51,622 --> 00:01:54,181
No. You got
the wrong number.
4
00:01:54,257 --> 00:01:56,247
Yeah, but ain't no
Thelma here, man.
5
00:03:02,758 --> 00:03:04,748
Jesus!
6
00:03:07,027 --> 00:03:09,516
I'm comin'!
7
00:03:17,265 --> 00:03:21,893
What? Man, there ain't no Thelma here!
8
00:04:10,759 --> 00:04:12,749
God.
9
00:05:05,719 --> 00:05:08,414
What?
10
00:05:08,487 --> 00:05:11,943
Ain't no fuckin' Thelma
here, man!
11
00:05:12,022 --> 00:05:15,353
Look, the bitch don't
live here! Fuck you too!
12
00:05:15,424 --> 00:05:18,620
Shit! Fuck!
13
00:05:29,698 --> 00:05:32,757
Hello. I'm Dr. Warren
G. Easterbrook,
14
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:35,561
Chairman of the President's
Commission on Education,
15
00:05:35,634 --> 00:05:38,534
and I would like to talk to you
about an ever-growing problem...
16
00:05:38,602 --> 00:05:41,296
the short attention span
of today's youth.
17
00:05:41,370 --> 00:05:44,395
Weaned as they are on television,
young people today...
18
00:05:44,472 --> 00:05:46,530
can't seem to pay attention
for more than a few mo...
19
00:05:48,975 --> 00:05:52,602
Pethouse Video presents
an in-depth...
20
00:05:52,676 --> 00:05:55,302
up close and personal look...
21
00:05:55,377 --> 00:05:59,675
at Pethouse Plaything
Taryn Steele.
22
00:05:59,746 --> 00:06:03,373
Oh, so many neat things have
happened to me in my life...
23
00:06:03,448 --> 00:06:07,314
being named homecoming queen,
making the cheerleading squad.
24
00:06:07,383 --> 00:06:10,681
But the neatest thing ever was
when I was recently chosen...
25
00:06:10,752 --> 00:06:12,844
the Pethouse Plaything
of the Month.
26
00:06:14,287 --> 00:06:16,481
But being a Plaything
hasn't changed me.
27
00:06:16,555 --> 00:06:18,784
I'm still the same Taryn.
28
00:06:21,024 --> 00:06:25,253
When I was first chosen,
I was, like, really immature.
29
00:06:25,325 --> 00:06:27,952
But I've grown so much
since then.
30
00:06:28,027 --> 00:06:30,017
I can hardly believe it's me.
31
00:06:31,128 --> 00:06:34,790
I'm a beach person
and a night person.
32
00:06:34,864 --> 00:06:38,491
I really feel sorry for anyone
who doesn't live in California,
33
00:06:38,566 --> 00:06:41,761
'cause we've got it all...
the mountains, the sun.
34
00:06:41,834 --> 00:06:44,631
And, like, there's no humidity.
35
00:06:44,702 --> 00:06:47,134
It really blows me away.
36
00:06:47,203 --> 00:06:51,570
Here, out of the public eye,
I can just fade into the crowd.
37
00:06:51,638 --> 00:06:55,595
In New York, I get hassled all
the time. I don't understand it.
38
00:06:55,674 --> 00:06:59,836
Laguna offers me
peace and solitude...
39
00:06:59,909 --> 00:07:02,900
away from the pressure
ofbeing a Plaything.
40
00:07:02,978 --> 00:07:06,912
Here in Laguna,
I can just let my mind go blank.
41
00:07:10,548 --> 00:07:12,538
Art is my life.
42
00:07:17,184 --> 00:07:20,209
I love to browse
Laguna's art galleries,
43
00:07:20,286 --> 00:07:22,776
and my dream is to one day...
44
00:07:22,855 --> 00:07:26,482
have some of my things
hanging here.
45
00:07:26,556 --> 00:07:30,547
But my real strength
comes from my family...
46
00:07:30,625 --> 00:07:33,990
and my strong
religious upbringing.
47
00:07:34,060 --> 00:07:38,654
I'll always be grateful to my mom and
dad and the values they've given me,
48
00:07:38,729 --> 00:07:43,789
which help me take on
the awesome responsibilities...
49
00:07:43,865 --> 00:07:46,059
of Plaything of the Month.
50
00:08:02,608 --> 00:08:05,837
Selma, look at this reception.
51
00:08:08,811 --> 00:08:12,108
Beaver, did you bring home
a note from your teacher today?
52
00:08:12,179 --> 00:08:14,738
Oh, no, Dad. That's one of your
jokes I haven't heard before.
53
00:08:14,814 --> 00:08:18,543
Record warm temperatures
tomorrow. Unbelievable!
54
00:08:18,616 --> 00:08:20,674
Best investment
I ever made.
55
00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:31,750
You haven't been out
of this house in two weeks.
56
00:08:31,822 --> 00:08:34,517
Lows will warm up
just a bit.
57
00:08:34,590 --> 00:08:37,113
What the hell has happened
to my remote?
58
00:08:39,359 --> 00:08:42,020
Sunny skies
for the remainder of the day.
59
00:08:42,094 --> 00:08:44,061
Murray?
60
00:08:44,128 --> 00:08:46,994
Embedded in those clouds.
And here in the southern...
61
00:08:47,063 --> 00:08:49,053
Excuse me, sir.
We're on the air.
62
00:08:49,130 --> 00:08:51,689
Selma!
Get me out of here!
63
00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:53,755
I must've pressed
the wrong button.
64
00:08:53,833 --> 00:08:58,268
Murray, what are you
doing on the weather?
65
00:08:58,335 --> 00:09:03,360
I don't know. Press
something. Bring me back!
66
00:09:03,438 --> 00:09:05,871
Here!
67
00:09:05,939 --> 00:09:10,067
Swung on, and it's a high
fly ball to center field.
68
00:09:10,141 --> 00:09:14,337
Wait a minute!
There's a fan on the field!
69
00:09:14,410 --> 00:09:16,969
¤ Make me wanna stay
If this is it ¤
70
00:09:17,044 --> 00:09:21,479
¤ Doo wah ¤ Now I'm trapped in
a rock video! Anything but this!
71
00:09:21,547 --> 00:09:25,879
¤ If this ain't love
you better let me go ¤
72
00:09:25,949 --> 00:09:27,939
- ¤ If this is it ¤
- ¤ Doo wah ¤
73
00:09:29,084 --> 00:09:31,881
Selma! Help me!
74
00:09:31,952 --> 00:09:34,351
¤ If this ain't love, baby ¤
Wait. Wait.
75
00:09:34,420 --> 00:09:37,945
Selma! I'm looking for the booklet.
76
00:09:41,490 --> 00:09:46,323
Oh, no. I'm in black and white.
77
00:09:46,393 --> 00:09:48,792
Where am I?
78
00:10:08,137 --> 00:10:12,071
This is what you get for
throwing out the directions.
79
00:10:12,139 --> 00:10:15,903
Help! Help me!
80
00:10:17,908 --> 00:10:20,842
Here you can leave me
for the night.
81
00:10:23,344 --> 00:10:25,834
You should be so lucky.
82
00:10:33,149 --> 00:10:37,948
Where am I?
83
00:10:38,018 --> 00:10:40,110
You're on
the Disney Channel.
84
00:10:40,186 --> 00:10:43,711
At least I know you won't
catch anything there.
85
00:10:43,788 --> 00:10:48,450
Fun is fun, Selma, but I
want to come home. I'm trying.
86
00:10:48,524 --> 00:10:52,481
500 million people
are watching via satellite...
87
00:10:52,559 --> 00:10:57,118
as the president and first lady
deplane for this historic Moscow visit.
88
00:10:57,194 --> 00:11:00,094
They look fit and rested.
Wait a minute.
89
00:11:00,163 --> 00:11:03,392
An unidentified man
has emerged from Air Force One.
90
00:11:03,464 --> 00:11:07,330
He seems, believe it or not, to
be clad only in his underwear.
91
00:11:07,399 --> 00:11:10,231
The Secret Service have grabbed
him. Where am I? I'm innocent!
92
00:11:10,301 --> 00:11:13,632
But who is he and how did he get on
board? I was only watching television!
93
00:11:13,703 --> 00:11:16,262
He appears to be deranged.
Help! Selma!
94
00:11:19,806 --> 00:11:21,796
I'm so proud of you, Brenda,
95
00:11:21,874 --> 00:11:24,535
getting through the delivery
without any anesthetic.
96
00:11:24,609 --> 00:11:27,542
Well, I had the best
Lamaze coach in the world.
97
00:11:27,610 --> 00:11:31,135
When do we get to see the baby?
It's been eight hours.
98
00:11:31,211 --> 00:11:34,008
Well, you remember the film
they showed us in class.
99
00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:37,707
There's all kinds of tests they
have to perform on a newborn child.
100
00:11:37,781 --> 00:11:40,214
So...
That's true.
101
00:11:40,283 --> 00:11:42,580
Ah!
There's my favorite couple.
102
00:11:42,651 --> 00:11:45,379
- Mr. And Mrs. Flanders.
- That's Landers.
103
00:11:45,452 --> 00:11:48,614
Right, right. Flanders
is uremic poisoning on 39.
104
00:11:49,621 --> 00:11:51,611
- So.
- Um...
105
00:11:51,688 --> 00:11:54,554
Nice stitch work,
if I say so myself.
106
00:11:54,624 --> 00:11:58,023
Doctor, we'd like to see our son. The
nurses keep giving us the runaround.
107
00:11:58,092 --> 00:12:00,457
I'd like nothing better than
to bring you both your son,
108
00:12:00,527 --> 00:12:02,517
but have you looked around
this hospital?
109
00:12:02,594 --> 00:12:04,584
There are sick people here.
110
00:12:04,662 --> 00:12:08,460
I just saw this old guy in the hallway
with these gnarly scabs all over his body.
111
00:12:08,531 --> 00:12:10,725
Gross me out!
112
00:12:10,798 --> 00:12:14,288
- I'm not about to expose your little Jeffrey...
- Nicholas.
113
00:12:14,367 --> 00:12:16,391
To that.
114
00:12:16,468 --> 00:12:19,492
I've got a solemn oath
to uphold here. Doctor,
115
00:12:19,569 --> 00:12:22,196
Brenda and I are both
Lamaze graduates,
116
00:12:22,271 --> 00:12:27,171
and we've never heard of
quarantining a healthy infant before.
117
00:12:27,239 --> 00:12:29,638
Ooh, Lamaze.
118
00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:33,641
Well, I forgot that you spent three
whole weekends sitting on a floor...
119
00:12:33,709 --> 00:12:35,539
learning how to breathe.
120
00:12:35,610 --> 00:12:38,510
I had to get by on a degree
from Harvard Medical School!
121
00:12:38,579 --> 00:12:43,309
Please, it's important to us to see
our child. You've heard of bonding.
122
00:12:43,381 --> 00:12:45,678
Uh...
Doctor.
123
00:12:45,749 --> 00:12:49,012
We'd like to spend a little
quality time with our son, please.
124
00:12:49,083 --> 00:12:52,915
A little quality time with your
son? That would be beautiful.
125
00:12:52,985 --> 00:12:57,079
You people.
126
00:12:57,154 --> 00:13:00,486
What's with that guy?
Mrs. Fernandez, front desk.
127
00:13:00,557 --> 00:13:04,252
He's supposed to be
the top man in his field.
128
00:13:04,325 --> 00:13:07,087
Well, when he brings in
little Jeffrey, we're going...
129
00:13:07,159 --> 00:13:09,422
Nicholas!
Here we go.
130
00:13:09,494 --> 00:13:11,859
- Here's the little tyke.
131
00:13:11,929 --> 00:13:14,556
Okay, that's enough
germs. Wait! Wait a minute.
132
00:13:14,630 --> 00:13:18,155
We haven't even seen him yet. Go ahead,
breathe all over him. I don't care.
133
00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:24,564
What is this, some kind
of sick practical joke?
134
00:13:24,635 --> 00:13:26,693
What are you talking about?
He's got your eyes.
135
00:13:26,770 --> 00:13:28,760
Take that hideous thing away.
136
00:13:28,837 --> 00:13:32,032
Come on. They all
look like this at first.
137
00:13:32,105 --> 00:13:37,938
You see, when the baby passes through the
birth canal, its head gets a little pointy.
138
00:13:38,008 --> 00:13:40,373
He should round out in
a couple days. Promise.
139
00:13:40,443 --> 00:13:43,877
That's not a baby.
That's a Mr. Potato Head.
140
00:13:43,945 --> 00:13:45,673
Harry, call
the hospital administrator.
141
00:13:45,745 --> 00:13:49,702
Hey! You're right.
This is a Mr. Potato Head.
142
00:13:51,181 --> 00:13:53,171
Gosh, they're so lifelike.
143
00:13:53,249 --> 00:13:55,842
Anybody could've made
this mistake.
144
00:13:55,917 --> 00:13:59,214
I'll be right back
with the real Nicholas.
145
00:13:59,285 --> 00:14:03,276
Harry, what are they doing to
us? Calm down, Brenda. Calm down.
146
00:14:03,354 --> 00:14:06,015
We don't want you to get
postpartum anxiety.
147
00:14:06,089 --> 00:14:10,547
Now, as soon as we get our son,
I'm going to report this quack.
148
00:14:10,625 --> 00:14:13,057
Thank God you took that
assertiveness training course.
149
00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:17,725
Here's the little tyke.
150
00:14:17,795 --> 00:14:20,956
You've been a naughty
little baby. Yes, you have.
151
00:14:21,029 --> 00:14:25,464
Playing peekaboo with Mommy and
Daddy. About time. Nick, it's your dad.
152
00:14:28,033 --> 00:14:31,228
He's got a strong, determined jaw
just like his old man there.
153
00:14:35,670 --> 00:14:38,865
- Great. Now you made him cry.
- I don't believe this.
154
00:14:46,843 --> 00:14:49,901
Is this okay? Would you
rather breast-feed him?
155
00:14:49,978 --> 00:14:52,605
Get away from me!
I'm gonna kill you!
156
00:14:52,679 --> 00:14:55,145
What kind of hospital is this?
157
00:14:55,213 --> 00:14:58,579
All right,
Mr. And Mrs. Lamaze!
158
00:14:58,649 --> 00:15:02,549
You see, due to a slight clerical error,
your son has been temporarily misplaced.
159
00:15:02,618 --> 00:15:06,416
- You lost our son?
- Did I say lost? I said misplaced!
160
00:15:06,486 --> 00:15:11,284
I'm suing you for... for malpractice,
negligence... you name it!
161
00:15:11,355 --> 00:15:16,086
Just jump all over me! What about
the nine kids I didn't lose this week?
162
00:15:16,157 --> 00:15:19,147
My baby! What have they
done with my baby?
163
00:15:19,225 --> 00:15:23,250
It was your fault. If you hadn't distracted me
with that video equipment in the delivery room,
164
00:15:23,327 --> 00:15:25,988
I might not have misplaced
your little brat!
165
00:15:26,062 --> 00:15:28,927
- Doctor. We found him.
- See?
166
00:15:28,997 --> 00:15:33,523
He was down the hall in
the laundry hamper. Oh!
167
00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:35,589
Oh, he's beautiful.
168
00:15:35,667 --> 00:15:39,032
I hope you're both
ashamed of yourselves.
169
00:15:39,102 --> 00:15:43,264
All this hysteria when he was safe
and sound not 20 feet from this room.
170
00:15:43,337 --> 00:15:47,931
Doctor, you're due in surgery
for that kidney transplant.
171
00:15:48,007 --> 00:15:49,997
Where's the donor organ?
172
00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:52,064
The donor organ?
173
00:15:53,809 --> 00:15:55,969
God, I had it with me when I
left the house this morning.
174
00:15:59,279 --> 00:16:03,338
Good morning and welcome
to Movies Till Sunrise.
175
00:16:03,414 --> 00:16:08,042
Our feature presentation is the
1954 science fiction classic,
176
00:16:08,117 --> 00:16:10,380
Amazon Women on the Moon,
177
00:16:10,451 --> 00:16:13,850
starring Laird Granger
and Greta Van Zandt,
178
00:16:13,919 --> 00:16:17,978
complete and uncut, with no
commercial interruptions.
179
00:16:18,055 --> 00:16:20,045
This used to be me.
180
00:16:20,123 --> 00:16:22,954
Old before my years,
ignored by women,
181
00:16:23,024 --> 00:16:25,014
passed over for promotions.
182
00:16:25,091 --> 00:16:27,524
But now all that has changed.
183
00:16:29,794 --> 00:16:32,489
Hi. I'm Sy Swerdlow,
184
00:16:32,562 --> 00:16:36,291
and I invented the patented process
known as "hair looming. "
185
00:16:36,364 --> 00:16:41,321
If you suffer from premature hair loss,
let our team of technicians...
186
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:45,528
visit you in the privacy
of your home...
187
00:16:45,602 --> 00:16:48,263
so there will be
no embarrassment.
188
00:16:48,337 --> 00:16:50,860
You choose from our selection...
189
00:16:50,937 --> 00:16:54,269
of over 200 colors and styles.
190
00:16:54,340 --> 00:16:58,331
Then your head
will be carpeted...
191
00:16:58,409 --> 00:17:01,274
with 100% pure acrylic fiber,
192
00:17:01,343 --> 00:17:03,333
Completely natural-looking.
193
00:17:05,278 --> 00:17:07,472
You can sleep in it.
194
00:17:07,546 --> 00:17:09,843
You can shower in it.
195
00:17:12,582 --> 00:17:15,014
It changed my life,
196
00:17:16,651 --> 00:17:18,777
and it'll change yours.
197
00:17:18,851 --> 00:17:20,841
Call toll free...
198
00:17:20,919 --> 00:17:24,547
1- 800-GET-HAIR.
199
00:17:58,439 --> 00:18:01,998
Well, men, I've been studying
this map of the lunar surface,
200
00:18:02,074 --> 00:18:04,802
And I've chosen the dark side
as our landing site.
201
00:18:04,874 --> 00:18:10,208
- So, don't forget your space beams.
- Roger, Steve.
202
00:18:13,045 --> 00:18:16,843
Just think, Loony, in less than an
hour, we're gonna be on the moon.
203
00:18:16,914 --> 00:18:20,905
The first thing I'm gonna do is carve
me off a hunk of that green cheese.
204
00:18:20,982 --> 00:18:24,576
Now, Butch, you know one of
the purposes of this mission...
205
00:18:24,652 --> 00:18:27,380
is to dispel
some of those myths.
206
00:18:27,453 --> 00:18:30,012
Steve, I've got the president
on the electro-scan.
207
00:18:34,056 --> 00:18:37,114
Willikers!
208
00:18:37,191 --> 00:18:39,249
Come in,
men of Moon Rocket One.
209
00:18:39,325 --> 00:18:43,191
This is the president of the United
States calling from planet Earth.
210
00:18:45,295 --> 00:18:47,285
We read you, Mr. President.
211
00:18:47,363 --> 00:18:50,559
This is Steve Nelson,
commander, Moon Rocket One.
212
00:18:50,631 --> 00:18:55,156
Commander Nelson, this is a
proud day for all Americans,
213
00:18:55,233 --> 00:18:58,668
and this year of 1980 will
be remembered as the year...
214
00:18:58,736 --> 00:19:01,532
an American
first set foot on the moon.
215
00:19:01,603 --> 00:19:05,002
The governors
of all 48 states join me...
216
00:19:05,071 --> 00:19:07,265
in wishing Godspeed
to you...
217
00:19:07,339 --> 00:19:09,704
and your handpicked team
of scientists.
218
00:19:09,774 --> 00:19:11,832
That's us, Loony.
219
00:19:11,908 --> 00:19:15,034
Thank you, Mr. President. We're
proud to serve our country.
220
00:19:15,110 --> 00:19:17,100
Over and out.
221
00:19:18,612 --> 00:19:22,478
Blackie, neutralize
the electro-scan.
222
00:19:22,547 --> 00:19:25,275
Electro-scan
neutralized, sir.
223
00:19:25,348 --> 00:19:27,872
There she is,
dead ahead!
224
00:19:35,754 --> 00:19:38,721
It's awesome, isn't it?
225
00:19:38,788 --> 00:19:41,415
I've got big plans
for that piece of real estate.
226
00:19:41,490 --> 00:19:43,650
I'm going to sell
advertising space on that.
227
00:19:43,724 --> 00:19:47,055
Just picture this... the
world's biggest billboard.
228
00:19:47,126 --> 00:19:49,116
We'll make a bundle.
229
00:19:49,193 --> 00:19:51,752
Hold your horses, Blackie.
230
00:19:51,828 --> 00:19:55,091
This voyage is for
the betterment of mankind.
231
00:19:55,163 --> 00:19:57,824
Let's not any of us
forget that.
232
00:19:57,898 --> 00:19:59,888
Sure, chief.
233
00:20:10,271 --> 00:20:12,261
There goes my lunch.
234
00:20:14,407 --> 00:20:16,771
It's right up there
with my stomach.
235
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:20,899
Prepare for moon landing.
236
00:20:20,976 --> 00:20:24,808
- Initiate rotation system.
- Rotation initiated.
237
00:20:25,745 --> 00:20:27,735
Reverse retros.
238
00:20:27,813 --> 00:20:29,803
Retros reversed.
239
00:20:36,850 --> 00:20:40,307
Steve, we're losing pressure
in the atom chamber.
240
00:20:40,386 --> 00:20:42,410
If it drops any more,
we're goners.
241
00:20:51,525 --> 00:20:53,549
Quick, Blackie,
switch to the emergency...
242
00:20:55,593 --> 00:21:00,187
¤ Tie a yellow ribbon
round the old oak tree ¤
243
00:21:00,263 --> 00:21:02,923
¤ It's been
three long years ¤
244
00:21:02,997 --> 00:21:05,624
¤ Do ya still want me ¤
245
00:21:05,698 --> 00:21:11,099
¤ If I don't see a ribbon
round the old oak tree ¤
246
00:21:11,168 --> 00:21:14,193
¤ I'll stay on the bus
forget about us ¤
247
00:21:14,270 --> 00:21:16,362
¤ Put the blame on me ¤
248
00:21:16,438 --> 00:21:18,428
Did you know
that every seven minutes,
249
00:21:18,505 --> 00:21:22,064
a black person is born
in this country without soul?
250
00:21:22,140 --> 00:21:24,732
Hello, I'm B.B. King.
251
00:21:24,808 --> 00:21:27,640
Won't you help Don Simmons
and the thousands of others...
252
00:21:27,709 --> 00:21:30,404
that suffer from
this tragic disorder?
253
00:21:30,478 --> 00:21:34,809
Its cruel symptoms can strike
anyone. Let's take a look.
254
00:21:34,879 --> 00:21:39,439
I think the Republican Party has done
one heck of a job. Don't you, June?
255
00:21:39,515 --> 00:21:43,574
I'll say, Ward. We Republicans
have turned this country around.
256
00:21:45,752 --> 00:21:48,651
Safety and good mileage
are the two things...
257
00:21:48,719 --> 00:21:51,551
I looked for
in a new car.
258
00:21:51,621 --> 00:21:54,986
That's why I bought
a Volvo station wagon.
259
00:21:55,056 --> 00:21:59,582
Hi. I'm president of the David
Hartman Fan Club here in Glendale.
260
00:21:59,659 --> 00:22:02,820
I've even met David Hartman
once. What a neat guy.
261
00:22:06,196 --> 00:22:09,391
¤ Chim-chimeny, chim-chimeny
chim-chim cheree ¤
262
00:22:09,464 --> 00:22:13,091
¤ A sweep is as lucky
as lucky can be ¤
263
00:22:13,165 --> 00:22:16,361
¤ Chim-chimeny, chim-chimeny
chim-chim cheroo ¤
264
00:22:16,434 --> 00:22:19,799
¤ Good luck will rub off
when I shake hands with you ¤
265
00:22:19,869 --> 00:22:23,132
This is B.B. King saying
won't you please give...
266
00:22:23,204 --> 00:22:26,229
so that Don Simmons here
and so many others...
267
00:22:26,306 --> 00:22:28,670
can become useful members
of society.
268
00:22:28,739 --> 00:22:33,436
¤ Or blow me a kiss
and that's lucky too ¤
269
00:22:33,509 --> 00:22:35,703
Write to...
270
00:22:39,645 --> 00:22:41,635
Thank you.
271
00:22:46,015 --> 00:22:48,005
Be right there.
272
00:22:55,453 --> 00:22:57,443
Karen?
Hi.
273
00:22:57,521 --> 00:22:59,511
Hi. I'm Jerry Stone. Hi,
Jerry. Nice meeting you.
274
00:22:59,589 --> 00:23:02,022
I'm sorry. I'm running a little
bit late. Don't worry about it.
275
00:23:02,090 --> 00:23:04,080
You look nice.
Thank you.
276
00:23:05,625 --> 00:23:07,990
This is a great apartment.
Thanks.
277
00:23:16,297 --> 00:23:18,729
Uh, I hope you like sushi.
278
00:23:18,798 --> 00:23:22,289
I made reservations
at Tokyo Rose on Columbus.
279
00:23:22,367 --> 00:23:25,892
Great.
I hear it's terrific.
280
00:23:25,969 --> 00:23:28,459
Normally there's a waiting list,
but I know the maitre d'.
281
00:23:30,204 --> 00:23:32,228
You know,
I gotta tell you,
282
00:23:32,305 --> 00:23:35,204
I never go on blind dates,
but, uh,
283
00:23:35,273 --> 00:23:39,298
I just have a feeling
that this might be special.
284
00:23:40,742 --> 00:23:44,507
Jerry? Before we leave, do
me one small favor, will you?
285
00:23:44,578 --> 00:23:46,568
Sure. What?
286
00:23:46,645 --> 00:23:50,807
Would you mind showing me a credit
card and a valid driver's license?
287
00:23:50,881 --> 00:23:55,316
- You're kidding. Why?
- I'd like to run a "couple compatibility" check.
288
00:23:55,383 --> 00:23:59,010
What the heck is that?
289
00:23:59,085 --> 00:24:02,110
You know, Jerry, it's tough being
a single girl in the big city.
290
00:24:02,187 --> 00:24:04,416
You meet all kinds
of phonies and creeps.
291
00:24:04,488 --> 00:24:07,683
That's why this machine
comes in handy.
292
00:24:07,756 --> 00:24:11,952
I just enter your I.D., and the central
computer will tell me about your background.
293
00:24:12,025 --> 00:24:14,583
I don't want a bank loan.
I just want to take you out.
294
00:24:14,659 --> 00:24:18,718
I know, but I'd feel better
running a check. Two I.D.'s, please.
295
00:24:18,794 --> 00:24:21,762
You're serious.
296
00:24:21,830 --> 00:24:24,922
It'll just
take a minute.
297
00:24:24,998 --> 00:24:28,057
This is ridiculous, but, uh...
298
00:24:30,067 --> 00:24:32,057
Here's, uh...
Three-one-six.
299
00:24:32,135 --> 00:24:34,931
That's a cute picture.
MasterCard.
300
00:24:43,774 --> 00:24:45,798
I don't know how I ever got
along without one of these.
301
00:24:45,875 --> 00:24:47,865
Changed my life.
302
00:24:47,943 --> 00:24:49,933
Feel the same way
about my VCR.
303
00:24:50,011 --> 00:24:52,501
Ooh. Right now I'm taping
Sophie's Choice with Meryl Streep.
304
00:24:52,578 --> 00:24:56,172
- I love Meryl Streep.
- Oh, I am so into her.
305
00:24:58,015 --> 00:25:01,449
Here it comes now.
306
00:25:16,657 --> 00:25:20,387
All that about me? Geez.
They are very thorough.
307
00:25:22,294 --> 00:25:26,023
This is great!
- What? What?
308
00:25:30,630 --> 00:25:33,462
What do you got there?
309
00:25:39,235 --> 00:25:43,465
What's... What's uh-oh?
310
00:25:43,537 --> 00:25:45,527
Jerry,
311
00:25:48,673 --> 00:25:51,800
does the name Debbie Rothenberg
mean anything to you?
312
00:25:51,875 --> 00:25:55,741
Debbie Rothenberg.
313
00:25:55,810 --> 00:25:58,073
Oh, yeah. I think I went
out with her once or twice.
314
00:25:58,145 --> 00:26:01,874
You had sex with her on the second date,
and then you never called her again.
315
00:26:01,947 --> 00:26:05,574
- I hate when guys do that.
- It says all that?
316
00:26:05,648 --> 00:26:08,115
Does the phrase
"You're not only beautiful,
317
00:26:08,183 --> 00:26:11,582
but you're someone I feel I can
open up to" mean anything to you?
318
00:26:13,719 --> 00:26:16,743
I'm not surprised. You've used
that line on your last 16 dates.
319
00:26:16,820 --> 00:26:19,083
Look, this is ridiculous.
320
00:26:19,155 --> 00:26:22,487
Debbie... Uh, Karen,
I think...
321
00:26:22,556 --> 00:26:24,785
that we have something
very special here.
322
00:26:24,857 --> 00:26:28,257
You're not like the other women
you... "You meet in the city. "
323
00:26:28,327 --> 00:26:30,759
See what I mean?
324
00:26:30,827 --> 00:26:32,817
And, Jerry,
325
00:26:34,896 --> 00:26:37,921
I could never get serious about
someone who's selfish in bed.
326
00:26:37,998 --> 00:26:42,830
"Who's selfish in bed"? Well,
how would you describe a man...
327
00:26:42,900 --> 00:26:46,426
who satisfies his own needs and
rolls over and goes to sleep?
328
00:26:46,502 --> 00:26:49,060
- I never did that in my life!
- Eleven times!
329
00:26:49,136 --> 00:26:52,865
You want names and dates? No.
No, I do not! Look, hey, hold it.
330
00:26:52,938 --> 00:26:56,031
Anyway, that is just a small
fraction of the hundreds of times...
331
00:26:56,107 --> 00:26:58,097
I've been intimate
with women.
332
00:26:58,175 --> 00:27:00,539
We're exaggerating a little,
aren't we, Jerry?
333
00:27:02,410 --> 00:27:05,571
The record only shows
21 sexual intimacies.
334
00:27:07,479 --> 00:27:11,914
There you are. This doesn't jibe
with my figures. Okay, sweetie?
335
00:27:11,982 --> 00:27:15,916
Jerry, the statistics don't
paint the picture of a mature man.
336
00:27:15,984 --> 00:27:18,383
Twelve times, you ignored
your date at a party...
337
00:27:18,452 --> 00:27:20,918
to flirt with
a more attractive woman.
338
00:27:20,986 --> 00:27:25,921
169 times, you feigned interest when
a woman was talking about her career.
339
00:27:26,989 --> 00:27:30,355
On 17 occasions,
you lied to women,
340
00:27:30,424 --> 00:27:33,858
telling them you were really into
sushi and Meryl Streep movies.
341
00:27:35,026 --> 00:27:37,084
Make that 18 times.
342
00:27:38,761 --> 00:27:41,627
Where do they
get these figures?
343
00:27:41,696 --> 00:27:43,686
As you can see,
Jerry,
344
00:27:43,764 --> 00:27:46,288
it would be pointless
for you and I to go out.
345
00:27:46,366 --> 00:27:48,356
Oh, yeah?
346
00:27:48,433 --> 00:27:50,991
Well, I'm gonna get one of those
machines and see how well you come off!
347
00:27:51,067 --> 00:27:53,466
Okay?
Good night, Jerry.
348
00:27:53,535 --> 00:27:55,968
It's early yet. Maybe you
can still get lucky in a bar.
349
00:27:59,038 --> 00:28:01,028
Like you did
last Thursday.
350
00:28:03,907 --> 00:28:06,101
Hello, Beverly?
351
00:28:08,410 --> 00:28:11,775
This is Jerry Stone. We met
the other night at Dave's party.
352
00:28:16,980 --> 00:28:19,209
Listen, I know
it's last minute,
353
00:28:19,281 --> 00:28:22,510
but I wanna ask you,
are you free tonight?
354
00:28:24,751 --> 00:28:26,741
You are. Great.
355
00:28:26,818 --> 00:28:31,549
Listen, I can pick you up
in 10 minutes.
356
00:28:31,621 --> 00:28:34,350
Sure, okay.
357
00:28:34,423 --> 00:28:37,652
Oh, Jerry, um...
Yeah?
358
00:28:37,724 --> 00:28:41,214
Could you bring a major credit
card and a valid driver's license?
359
00:28:47,863 --> 00:28:52,423
Extraterrestrials.
Strange phenomena.
360
00:28:52,498 --> 00:28:55,898
Missing persons.
Lost continents.
361
00:28:55,967 --> 00:28:59,332
Myths and monsters.
362
00:28:59,402 --> 00:29:03,234
We examine these mysteries
to determine...
363
00:29:03,303 --> 00:29:06,271
are they bullshit or not?
364
00:29:12,008 --> 00:29:13,998
London's West End.
365
00:29:14,076 --> 00:29:17,635
Here, in the winter of 1888,
366
00:29:17,711 --> 00:29:21,145
a series of bizarre
and violent murders occurred,
367
00:29:21,212 --> 00:29:25,647
which remain unsolved
to this very day.
368
00:29:33,385 --> 00:29:35,716
Jack the Ripper.
369
00:29:35,787 --> 00:29:39,312
Was he a prosperous
London surgeon?
370
00:29:39,388 --> 00:29:42,288
Perhaps a member
of British royalty.
371
00:29:42,357 --> 00:29:46,552
Well, our Bullshit team
has unearthed...
372
00:29:46,625 --> 00:29:49,286
spectacular new evidence
which suggests...
373
00:29:50,860 --> 00:29:53,419
that Jack the Ripper
was, in fact,
374
00:29:54,796 --> 00:29:57,423
the Loch Ness Monster.
375
00:29:57,497 --> 00:30:00,692
Is it possible
that Nessie...
376
00:30:00,765 --> 00:30:05,598
murdered five streetwalkers
before returning to Loch Ness?
377
00:30:05,668 --> 00:30:07,692
Using undiscovered evidence,
378
00:30:07,769 --> 00:30:11,225
we've pieced together the events
leading up to the first murder.
379
00:30:11,304 --> 00:30:13,703
Although this is
a Bullshit reenactment,
380
00:30:13,772 --> 00:30:16,603
it may have happened
just this way.
381
00:30:16,673 --> 00:30:19,869
Hello, dearie. Show you
a good time for a quid.
382
00:30:19,942 --> 00:30:22,034
Throw the wife in for free.
Oh, gents.
383
00:30:22,110 --> 00:30:25,942
Don't you want a girl
to keep you warm tonight?
384
00:30:26,012 --> 00:30:30,639
Me mum told me there would
be nights like this.
385
00:30:30,714 --> 00:30:33,204
Oh, my!
386
00:30:33,282 --> 00:30:37,011
You are a big one,
now, aren't you?
387
00:30:37,084 --> 00:30:39,142
Come on, darlin'.
388
00:30:51,725 --> 00:30:55,386
Mind you, don't you be
steppin' on my feet now.
389
00:30:55,460 --> 00:30:59,360
Ooh!
390
00:30:59,428 --> 00:31:02,987
Aren't you in an hurry!
Now, will you be careful.
391
00:31:03,063 --> 00:31:05,690
Not so rough, da...
Wait a min...
392
00:31:11,267 --> 00:31:13,530
Is this the way
it happened?
393
00:31:13,602 --> 00:31:17,593
Was Jack the Ripper, in fact, a
60-foot sea serpent from Scotland?
394
00:31:19,071 --> 00:31:22,937
Did I take this job
for a quick buck?
395
00:31:23,006 --> 00:31:26,565
We may never know the answers
to these questions. Next week...
396
00:31:27,275 --> 00:31:29,902
Come on.
397
00:31:29,977 --> 00:31:32,739
To recap the three movies
that we reviewed this week...
398
00:31:32,811 --> 00:31:34,971
here on Critics Corner,
399
00:31:35,046 --> 00:31:37,536
Marc and I both gave
a big thumbs up...
400
00:31:37,614 --> 00:31:41,639
to the new Swedish film
directed by, uh, Olaf Svensen.
401
00:31:41,716 --> 00:31:46,242
Olaf Svensen, called
The Winter of my Despondency.
402
00:31:46,319 --> 00:31:50,185
- Haunting abstract symbolism.
- It's arty crap.
403
00:31:50,254 --> 00:31:53,153
Jonathan and I did split,
however...
404
00:31:53,222 --> 00:31:57,054
On the newest teenage romp
called Frat Slobs.
405
00:31:57,124 --> 00:31:59,250
Jonathan, I think,
thought it to be...
406
00:31:59,325 --> 00:32:02,316
a light,
frothy soufflé...
407
00:32:02,392 --> 00:32:05,155
sizzling with youthful
energy. That I did.
408
00:32:05,228 --> 00:32:08,889
On the other hand, I
thought it was pond scum.
409
00:32:08,963 --> 00:32:11,795
You're an albino.
What the hell do you know?
410
00:32:11,865 --> 00:32:13,855
We have a new feature we'd like
to introduce on Critics Corner...
411
00:32:13,932 --> 00:32:17,627
we hope you'll enjoy. We
call it "Real Life Reviews,"
412
00:32:17,701 --> 00:32:21,965
in which we critique the life of
an average person just like you.
413
00:32:22,036 --> 00:32:27,061
Jonathan will begin with a review
of the life of Harvey Putnik.
414
00:32:27,139 --> 00:32:29,936
No. Pitnik. Pitnik, of Skokie, Indiana.
415
00:32:30,007 --> 00:32:31,997
Illinois.
Illinois.
416
00:32:32,075 --> 00:32:35,270
Harvey Pitnik of Skokie, Illinois.
Bernice. Bernice, come here.
417
00:32:35,343 --> 00:32:37,333
They're talking about me
on the television.
418
00:32:37,410 --> 00:32:39,434
What?
Come here.
419
00:32:39,512 --> 00:32:42,775
Harvey Pitnik would seem
to have all the ingredients...
420
00:32:42,846 --> 00:32:45,211
For a successful life.
You'd think so.
421
00:32:45,281 --> 00:32:47,908
So why does he fail so
miserably? I don't know.
422
00:32:47,983 --> 00:32:50,246
I think the problem
is with Harvey himself.
423
00:32:50,317 --> 00:32:52,476
What the hell is this?
You're right. It is Harvey.
424
00:32:52,551 --> 00:32:54,415
Very good, Jonathan.
It is Harvey.
425
00:32:54,485 --> 00:32:57,351
So, we're supposed to care
about this Harvey Pitnik?
426
00:32:57,420 --> 00:33:03,185
Why? I mean, it takes him 30 years
to develop any character at all,
427
00:33:03,257 --> 00:33:05,690
and by the time he does,
who cares?
428
00:33:05,758 --> 00:33:08,987
They're crucifying me.
It's hardly worth the wait.
429
00:33:09,059 --> 00:33:11,993
He didn't like Gandhi either.
Let me show you.
430
00:33:12,061 --> 00:33:16,291
Here's a scene from last year as
Harvey is coming home from work.
431
00:33:24,801 --> 00:33:27,735
Oh. Hi, Scraps.
432
00:33:27,803 --> 00:33:29,861
Hi, Dad.
Hi, kids.
433
00:33:29,937 --> 00:33:32,631
How did they do this?
Hi, honey.
434
00:33:32,704 --> 00:33:34,830
Hi, dear.
Ooh. Potatoes.
435
00:33:34,906 --> 00:33:39,671
I didn't cons... I didn't
consent for this to be on TV.
436
00:33:39,742 --> 00:33:42,868
Dinner'll be ready
in five minutes. Okay.
437
00:33:51,281 --> 00:33:54,908
- Some exciting home life, huh?
- And it goes on like that,
438
00:33:54,982 --> 00:33:58,313
tediously,
day in and day out.
439
00:33:58,384 --> 00:34:00,374
Where's the love?
Where's the passion?
440
00:34:00,451 --> 00:34:05,011
Where's the examination
of one's own existence?
441
00:34:05,087 --> 00:34:08,180
This is a poor excuse
for a life.
442
00:34:08,256 --> 00:34:11,052
I give Harvey Pitnik
a... a big thumbs down.
443
00:34:11,124 --> 00:34:14,115
Thumbs down? I give
him a thumbs down too.
444
00:34:14,193 --> 00:34:17,649
But I didn't hate Harvey
quite as much as you, Jonathan.
445
00:34:17,727 --> 00:34:22,627
Oh, granted, his life was
a miserable waste of time,
446
00:34:22,696 --> 00:34:25,493
but I rather enjoyed
the Kafkaesque touches.
447
00:34:25,565 --> 00:34:29,192
Here's a loser trapped
in a dead-end job...
448
00:34:29,266 --> 00:34:31,756
and a...
a loveless marriage.
449
00:34:31,835 --> 00:34:35,860
How do they know that? Couldn't they
have done anything to make this man human?
450
00:34:35,937 --> 00:34:37,927
Think of the money it took
to bring him into the world.
451
00:34:38,004 --> 00:34:42,301
A ton! To feed him and to clothe
him and then to educate him.
452
00:34:42,372 --> 00:34:44,669
And after all that,
what have you got?
453
00:34:44,740 --> 00:34:47,640
- You've got a big bore!
- A dull clod!
454
00:34:47,709 --> 00:34:50,699
An empty suit.
And another thing,
455
00:34:50,777 --> 00:34:52,767
I was always one step ahead
of this guy's life.
456
00:34:52,845 --> 00:34:55,312
There just were no surprises!
No. Wait a minute.
457
00:34:55,379 --> 00:34:58,176
What about the ending of his
life? That came as a surprise.
458
00:34:58,248 --> 00:35:00,680
Ending?
I saw that coming a mile away!
459
00:35:00,748 --> 00:35:02,738
I didn't.
What ending?
460
00:35:02,816 --> 00:35:05,579
The high blood pressure. The
lack of exercise. True. Uh-huh.
461
00:35:05,651 --> 00:35:07,641
The bad diet.
Of course.
462
00:35:07,719 --> 00:35:12,983
By the time he finally has his heart
attack in front of the TV, big deal!
463
00:35:13,055 --> 00:35:15,955
Heart attack? Heart attack?
It's such a mundane way to go.
464
00:35:16,023 --> 00:35:18,956
What are they talking about? A
heart attack? I didn't have a...
465
00:35:19,024 --> 00:35:23,584
Wouldn't it have been more dramatic if,
say, he'd fallen down an elevator shaft?
466
00:35:23,660 --> 00:35:26,923
He should've died years earlier.
Maybe in a submarine accident.
467
00:35:26,995 --> 00:35:30,952
Harvey? Oh, my God!
Possibly a giant squid.
468
00:35:31,030 --> 00:35:33,930
Something to add a little science
fiction to it. I'm calling an ambulance.
469
00:35:33,999 --> 00:35:36,693
I'm calling an ambulance! A
tragic waste, but who cares?
470
00:35:36,766 --> 00:35:39,427
Oh, I see our time is up. We
want to thank you very much...
471
00:35:39,501 --> 00:35:41,559
for joining us
on Critics Corner.
472
00:35:41,636 --> 00:35:44,865
Hope you'll be back next week when we'll
have an aisle seat reserved just for you.
473
00:35:44,937 --> 00:35:46,927
Bye-bye.
474
00:35:47,005 --> 00:35:49,996
There's so many things he could've
done. He could've had a better haircut.
475
00:35:51,741 --> 00:35:55,038
We now return
to the 1957 film,
476
00:35:55,109 --> 00:35:57,099
Amazon Women
on the Moon,
477
00:35:57,177 --> 00:35:59,736
starring Bill Thomas
and Buzzy Clark.
478
00:35:59,812 --> 00:36:02,574
There will be no
further interruptions.
479
00:36:10,416 --> 00:36:12,406
Well, here we are
on the moon.
480
00:36:16,020 --> 00:36:18,010
This place gives me the willies.
481
00:36:18,088 --> 00:36:20,646
Think we'll run into
any moon men?
482
00:36:20,722 --> 00:36:23,189
Not intelligent life
as you and I know it, Butch.
483
00:36:23,257 --> 00:36:27,385
If there are any Martians, I'll bet
they speak the universal language...
484
00:36:27,459 --> 00:36:29,426
do-re-mi!
485
00:36:29,493 --> 00:36:32,722
You remember the space oath you
took at the academy, Blackie?
486
00:36:32,794 --> 00:36:36,523
"I will not exploit other worlds
for personal gain. "
487
00:36:36,596 --> 00:36:38,586
Look at that.
488
00:36:39,632 --> 00:36:43,088
Follow me, men.
Keep your eyes open.
489
00:36:43,166 --> 00:36:45,599
Selma!
490
00:37:30,690 --> 00:37:35,990
- Hey, dig that
crazy full moon.
491
00:37:36,060 --> 00:37:39,687
That's a full Earth, Butch.
Remember where we are.
492
00:37:39,762 --> 00:37:42,251
Zowie!
493
00:37:42,329 --> 00:37:44,762
This is only a hunch,
but...
494
00:37:44,830 --> 00:37:47,059
Steve! What are you doing?
You're committing suicide!
495
00:37:48,899 --> 00:37:52,196
Just as I thought.
496
00:37:52,267 --> 00:37:54,325
The moon has an atmosphere
similar to Earth's.
497
00:37:54,402 --> 00:37:56,392
Take off your helmets,
boys.
498
00:38:01,406 --> 00:38:03,396
Good old H20.
499
00:38:03,473 --> 00:38:05,770
Steve, fill me in.
How'd you figure it out?
500
00:38:05,841 --> 00:38:08,330
Seems like Loony
figured it out first.
501
00:38:12,577 --> 00:38:15,773
That's my Loony,
a regular Einstein.
502
00:38:17,914 --> 00:38:19,904
Look!
503
00:38:24,951 --> 00:38:28,817
Are your parties
dull and boring?
504
00:38:28,886 --> 00:38:31,649
Well, why not
liven them up...
505
00:38:31,721 --> 00:38:34,120
with the snack food
that's sweeping America.
506
00:38:34,188 --> 00:38:38,316
Mmm! Say, Mike, this is some great
paté. It has such a unique flavor.
507
00:38:38,390 --> 00:38:43,291
It's more than just an
ordinary paté, Bill. Watch.
508
00:38:43,360 --> 00:38:46,555
Whoa!
509
00:38:46,628 --> 00:38:49,926
What the... You know, I never
saw an appetizer do that before.
510
00:38:49,997 --> 00:38:52,361
Well, you never tried
Silly Paté before!
511
00:38:52,431 --> 00:38:56,365
Not only is it fun at parties,
it's low in saturated fats.
512
00:38:56,433 --> 00:38:58,923
And look.
513
00:38:59,001 --> 00:39:02,628
- It picks up
your favorite comic strip!
514
00:39:02,703 --> 00:39:04,693
I'm eating Doonesbury.
515
00:39:05,771 --> 00:39:08,294
And I'm eating
Beetle Bailey.
516
00:39:08,372 --> 00:39:12,136
You'll never have
a dull, lifeless party again...
517
00:39:12,207 --> 00:39:14,197
with Silly Paté.
518
00:39:16,010 --> 00:39:19,944
Available in all fine gourmet
shops and toy stores everywhere.
519
00:39:28,749 --> 00:39:30,739
It's time,
Mrs. Pitnik.
520
00:39:33,618 --> 00:39:35,608
Do I have to?
521
00:39:35,686 --> 00:39:38,175
Yeah. We need the room again at 4:00.
522
00:39:39,488 --> 00:39:42,421
Come on.
523
00:39:42,489 --> 00:39:45,685
I-Is Har-Harvey here?
524
00:39:45,758 --> 00:39:49,089
Yeah. He's in repose.
He looks great. Oh!
525
00:39:49,159 --> 00:39:52,923
Okay, let's move along.
That's right.
526
00:39:52,995 --> 00:39:56,554
Just relax, Mrs. Pitnik. You're
young. You'll... You'll meet someone.
527
00:39:56,629 --> 00:40:00,393
Send the kids to camp.
That's what I would do.
528
00:40:02,000 --> 00:40:04,092
Okay, family up front,
on the left.
529
00:40:06,434 --> 00:40:09,095
Well, I guess that's it.
530
00:40:22,376 --> 00:40:24,366
Everything's taken care of. Everything.
531
00:40:24,443 --> 00:40:26,910
And the buffet?
To die.
532
00:40:26,978 --> 00:40:30,104
Hey, Scooter.
Cute stuff.
533
00:40:31,781 --> 00:40:35,806
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is a wake.
534
00:40:35,883 --> 00:40:39,977
So let's have fun with it, huh?
Everybody, have a great time.
535
00:40:47,155 --> 00:40:49,145
Welcome to
the O'Leary Funeral Home,
536
00:40:49,223 --> 00:40:53,783
where many of the nation's top comedians
have gathered to roast our guest ofhonor,
537
00:40:53,859 --> 00:40:56,451
the late Harvey Pitnik!
538
00:40:57,460 --> 00:41:01,326
Please welcome...
Rip Taylor!
539
00:41:06,364 --> 00:41:09,332
Slappy White!
540
00:41:11,868 --> 00:41:14,232
Jackie Vernon!
541
00:41:16,236 --> 00:41:19,329
Henny Youngman!
542
00:41:21,005 --> 00:41:23,472
Charlie Callas!
543
00:41:27,075 --> 00:41:30,668
And our roast master...
Mr. Steve Allen!
544
00:41:36,780 --> 00:41:39,179
And here he is,
our man of the hour...
545
00:41:39,248 --> 00:41:42,272
Mr. Harvey Pitnik!
546
00:41:42,349 --> 00:41:46,374
There's Harvey!
547
00:41:53,655 --> 00:41:57,180
Thank you, ladies and mourners.
548
00:41:57,257 --> 00:41:59,622
That's all right, Harvey.
Don't get up.
549
00:42:02,826 --> 00:42:04,816
Anyway, be that as it may...
and I doubt if it was...
550
00:42:04,894 --> 00:42:09,386
tonight we are here to pay tribute
to a close, personal friend,
551
00:42:09,463 --> 00:42:13,363
Harvey Pupik... I'm sorry.
Uh, Pitnik. Harvey Pitnik.
552
00:42:13,432 --> 00:42:17,423
Harvey was a man, my friends,
who was the same in life...
553
00:42:17,500 --> 00:42:22,161
as he is in death... a stiff!
554
00:42:22,235 --> 00:42:26,567
But all seriousness aside, we are
going to lay two things to rest...
555
00:42:26,638 --> 00:42:30,902
Harvey Pitnik and the rumor
that Charlie Callas is funny.
556
00:42:30,973 --> 00:42:35,271
Ladies and gentlemen, a very
funny man, Charlie Callas.
557
00:42:38,277 --> 00:42:40,210
Thank you.
Thank you.
558
00:42:40,278 --> 00:42:43,075
Thank you. Harvey, keep it down!
559
00:42:46,815 --> 00:42:51,409
Today, ladies and gentlemen, we're here to
pay homage to the late Harvey Potemkin...
560
00:42:51,484 --> 00:42:54,451
Peshtabil... Poshbulv...
whatever.
561
00:42:54,518 --> 00:42:56,747
Who cares? Does it matter now?
No, no.
562
00:42:56,820 --> 00:43:02,119
And if Harvey were alive today,
he'd be a very sick man.
563
00:43:09,693 --> 00:43:12,922
We had... I'm sorry to make this announcement.
We had two disappointments tonight...
564
00:43:12,994 --> 00:43:17,292
Milton Berle could not make it
and Rip Taylor could.
565
00:43:17,363 --> 00:43:19,523
Ladies and gentlemen,
Rip Taylor. All right.
566
00:43:24,567 --> 00:43:27,763
- Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
567
00:43:27,836 --> 00:43:29,803
Thank you.
Thank you so much, Steve.
568
00:43:29,870 --> 00:43:33,235
Charlie said, "Harvey,
keep it down. " Thank you.
569
00:43:33,305 --> 00:43:37,000
Oh, well, there goes that act.
570
00:43:37,073 --> 00:43:39,802
The president couldn't be here,
Harvey, so he sent a wire.
571
00:43:43,009 --> 00:43:45,568
Tell 'em. It's a...
Never mind.
572
00:43:45,644 --> 00:43:48,372
What's this, an audience or a
funeral? Now, pay attention, please.
573
00:43:48,445 --> 00:43:52,345
But I'm a little nervous because
Harvey was a personal friend of mine,
574
00:43:52,414 --> 00:43:56,075
and there's not a person in this
room that Harvey Pitnik did not touch.
575
00:43:56,149 --> 00:44:00,641
I must say, he touched me
for 40 bucks and Steve for 20.
576
00:44:00,718 --> 00:44:03,743
Folks, I don't dance.
This is it, you see.
577
00:44:06,521 --> 00:44:10,819
But I do feel for his widow,
Bernice. That was a romantic marriage.
578
00:44:10,890 --> 00:44:14,722
She learned everything about sex
from a manual.
579
00:44:14,792 --> 00:44:18,453
The "Manuel"
was their gardener.
580
00:44:18,527 --> 00:44:22,689
I'm sorry.
I better wrap it up now, folks.
581
00:44:22,762 --> 00:44:26,821
'Cause you know the old axiom in
show business... "get off quick. "
582
00:44:26,898 --> 00:44:28,865
Like Harvey
on his wedding night.
583
00:44:28,932 --> 00:44:33,697
- Could you die? I gotta go.
Good-bye. Thank you so much.
584
00:44:33,768 --> 00:44:36,735
Thank you folks. I'm thrilled to
be here tonight to pay tribute...
585
00:44:36,803 --> 00:44:38,736
to the late Harvey Pitnik.
586
00:44:38,804 --> 00:44:40,737
But enough about Harvey.
587
00:44:44,039 --> 00:44:46,734
Take my wife.
Please.
588
00:44:49,276 --> 00:44:53,267
Why do Jewish divorces cost
so much? They're worth it.
589
00:44:56,546 --> 00:45:00,139
Why do Jewish guys die before
their wives? They want to.
590
00:45:04,950 --> 00:45:06,940
And that's what
I think of you, Harvey.
591
00:45:14,188 --> 00:45:17,850
Thank you, Henny Youngman, for that
trip down memory lane. And now...
592
00:45:21,292 --> 00:45:25,920
But seriously. Henny, you were
never funnier... and it's a shame.
593
00:45:25,994 --> 00:45:30,429
But I was asked to say a
couple of words about Harvey.
594
00:45:30,496 --> 00:45:33,896
How about "ugly" and "cheap"?
595
00:45:33,964 --> 00:45:37,023
Harvey wrote his will
on his cock,
596
00:45:37,100 --> 00:45:40,295
and his lawyer said it would
not stand up in court.
597
00:45:45,970 --> 00:45:49,234
Okay, Mrs. Pitnik. You're on. What?
598
00:45:49,306 --> 00:45:51,569
You're on. Oh, no. Oh,
no. I really can't...
599
00:45:51,641 --> 00:45:55,666
You're the widow. You've got to give Harvey's
rebuttal. No, no, I can't go up there.
600
00:45:55,743 --> 00:45:59,302
- I can't do this.
- But in conclusion, I'd like to say, congratulations, Harvey.
601
00:45:59,378 --> 00:46:05,041
Rigor mortis is the closest you
ever come to a hard-on in 15 years.
602
00:46:05,114 --> 00:46:08,479
I thank you.
603
00:46:15,019 --> 00:46:17,543
Harvey himself is gonna
throw in his two cents...
604
00:46:17,620 --> 00:46:20,678
as soon as we take 'em
off his eyelids.
605
00:46:20,755 --> 00:46:23,552
I don't get it.
I don't get it.
606
00:46:23,623 --> 00:46:27,920
And now, for the rebuttal on behalf of our
guest of honor, his lovely widow, Bernice.
607
00:46:27,991 --> 00:46:30,959
And nothing's changed, Harvey. She's
still gonna be doing all the talking.
608
00:46:31,027 --> 00:46:32,960
Bernice Pitnik!
609
00:46:40,765 --> 00:46:42,755
Lovely woman.
610
00:46:47,468 --> 00:46:49,594
Thank you, Merv...
I mean, Steve.
611
00:46:49,670 --> 00:46:53,798
That's quite
all right.
612
00:46:53,872 --> 00:46:58,169
Now, well, I would like
to inject a serious note,
613
00:46:58,240 --> 00:47:01,231
as, uh, Henny Youngman
did earlier.
614
00:47:07,645 --> 00:47:10,077
I want to say to...
615
00:47:10,146 --> 00:47:14,444
Harvey, my late husband,
616
00:47:15,516 --> 00:47:17,608
as I look down at you,
617
00:47:17,684 --> 00:47:20,651
lying there motionless,
618
00:47:20,718 --> 00:47:23,151
I can only think
of one thing...
619
00:47:24,220 --> 00:47:26,517
our wedding night.
620
00:47:29,456 --> 00:47:32,719
I'll never forget my...
621
00:47:32,791 --> 00:47:36,953
my last moments with...
Harvey,
622
00:47:37,026 --> 00:47:40,585
As I... as I took him
into my arms...
623
00:47:40,661 --> 00:47:44,891
and I whispered those
three little words:
624
00:47:44,964 --> 00:47:47,761
"Sign the will. "
625
00:47:49,833 --> 00:47:52,391
Great.
But seriously,
626
00:47:52,467 --> 00:47:54,457
I'm glad to see
Slappy White here today.
627
00:47:54,535 --> 00:47:57,662
Now at least I know
my hubcaps are safe.
628
00:48:01,305 --> 00:48:03,499
And Rip Taylor,
is that a toupee,
629
00:48:03,573 --> 00:48:06,301
or did a beaver curl up
and die on your head?
630
00:48:10,309 --> 00:48:15,301
As I look at Henny Youngman today, I'm
not so sure we're burying the right guy.
631
00:48:20,147 --> 00:48:22,671
At last,
632
00:48:22,749 --> 00:48:26,148
the greatest album
oflove songs ever recorded.
633
00:48:26,217 --> 00:48:29,242
You'll want to share them
with someone special.
634
00:48:29,319 --> 00:48:33,912
¤ Why do birds suddenly appear ¤
635
00:48:33,988 --> 00:48:38,685
Sung by the man who turned a personal
affliction into a recording career,
636
00:48:38,757 --> 00:48:41,316
Don "No Soul"Simmons.
637
00:48:41,392 --> 00:48:44,018
¤ Just like me ¤
638
00:48:44,093 --> 00:48:46,720
¤ They long to be ¤
639
00:48:46,794 --> 00:48:49,660
¤ Close to you ¤
640
00:48:50,863 --> 00:48:53,524
¤ Why do stars ¤
641
00:48:53,598 --> 00:48:56,827
¤ Fall down from the sky ¤
642
00:48:56,899 --> 00:48:58,832
¤ Every time ¤
643
00:48:59,635 --> 00:49:01,693
¤ You walk by ¤
644
00:49:03,169 --> 00:49:05,931
¤ Just like me ¤
645
00:49:06,004 --> 00:49:08,471
¤ They long to be ¤
646
00:49:08,538 --> 00:49:11,370
¤ Close to you ¤
647
00:49:11,440 --> 00:49:15,204
¤ She'd been sitting there ¤
So curl up by the fireside...
648
00:49:15,276 --> 00:49:18,573
and listen to the non-threatening
music of this master showman.
649
00:49:19,745 --> 00:49:22,803
¤ And, honey, I miss you ¤
650
00:49:24,947 --> 00:49:27,437
¤ And I'm being good ¤
651
00:49:29,882 --> 00:49:32,349
¤ And I'd love
to be with you ¤
652
00:49:34,885 --> 00:49:37,444
¤ If only I could ¤
653
00:49:39,954 --> 00:49:42,387
¤ Say, has anybody seen ¤
654
00:49:42,455 --> 00:49:45,582
¤ My sweet Gypsy Rose ¤
655
00:49:45,658 --> 00:49:48,147
¤ Here's her picture
when she was ¤
656
00:49:48,225 --> 00:49:51,159
¤ My sweet Mary Jo ¤
Young lovers of any age...
657
00:49:51,227 --> 00:49:53,387
will cherish
this timeless collection...
658
00:49:53,461 --> 00:49:56,087
of the world's
most romantic ballads.
659
00:49:56,162 --> 00:49:58,186
And if you act now,
you'll get free...
660
00:49:58,263 --> 00:50:02,561
this bonus album:
Don Simmons Down & Funky.
661
00:50:07,001 --> 00:50:10,594
¤ Jeremiah was a bullfrog ¤
662
00:50:11,604 --> 00:50:14,935
¤ He was a good friend of mine ¤
663
00:50:15,005 --> 00:50:18,234
¤ I never understood
a single word he said ¤
664
00:50:18,307 --> 00:50:20,797
This two-record collection
is not available in any stores,
665
00:50:20,875 --> 00:50:22,808
so order now.
666
00:50:22,876 --> 00:50:26,310
¤ Yes, he always had
some mighty fine wine ¤
667
00:50:35,982 --> 00:50:40,144
By thunder!
She's a lovely sight, lads!
668
00:50:40,217 --> 00:50:44,811
And you can bet
your miserable lives...
669
00:50:44,887 --> 00:50:48,582
the cargo hold is filled
with precious booty.
670
00:50:48,655 --> 00:50:51,487
Let's take her, Cap'n.
Aye. Are you game, lads?
671
00:50:51,557 --> 00:50:52,989
Aye!
672
00:50:58,393 --> 00:51:01,725
Video pirates! Man the guns and
prepare to "defend boarders. "
673
00:51:01,795 --> 00:51:03,023
Fire!
674
00:51:09,232 --> 00:51:12,097
Cutlasses,
me hearties!
675
00:51:14,635 --> 00:51:16,602
Give them a bellyful
of steel.
676
00:51:32,744 --> 00:51:37,872
Ah. By gum, Captain! All the
latest home videos. In Beta and VHS!
677
00:51:37,946 --> 00:51:41,880
Aye! Some so current, they're
still in theatrical release.
678
00:51:41,948 --> 00:51:46,474
Help yourself, mates. A
chest full of video discs. No!
679
00:51:46,551 --> 00:51:48,745
What good are they? Can't record on 'em.
680
00:51:48,819 --> 00:51:51,412
They're not compatible
with my system.
681
00:51:51,487 --> 00:51:53,681
Captain! This one's locked.
682
00:51:53,755 --> 00:51:56,950
Stand back.
683
00:51:57,023 --> 00:52:00,422
Open 'er up.
684
00:52:03,560 --> 00:52:06,049
Gather around, me buckoes,
and feast your eyes on this.
685
00:52:06,127 --> 00:52:09,118
Make all the illegal copies
you want.
686
00:52:09,196 --> 00:52:11,129
Put it on.
Aye, aye, Captain.
687
00:52:15,366 --> 00:52:20,357
Ohhh, I'm so scared.
688
00:53:02,489 --> 00:53:06,617
I said I don't want to be
disturbed. Griffin, it's me, Trent.
689
00:53:06,691 --> 00:53:08,988
Trent, I've been
waiting for you.
690
00:53:09,059 --> 00:53:10,992
Come in.
691
00:53:11,060 --> 00:53:14,721
Ah, Griffin. I came as soon
as I received your cable.
692
00:53:17,463 --> 00:53:20,362
Good God, man,
what happened?
693
00:53:20,431 --> 00:53:23,160
I've done it, Trent. At
long last, I've done it.
694
00:53:23,233 --> 00:53:27,167
I finally duplicated my father's
formula for invisibility...
695
00:53:27,235 --> 00:53:30,964
after five years of injecting myself
with every chemical known to man.
696
00:53:31,036 --> 00:53:35,936
But Griffin, the invisibility formula
turned your father into a raving lunatic.
697
00:53:36,005 --> 00:53:38,905
That's where I've topped
the old man.
698
00:53:38,974 --> 00:53:41,464
I've been on the stuff
for over a week now,
699
00:53:41,542 --> 00:53:44,100
and I'm still
perfectly sane.
700
00:53:44,176 --> 00:53:46,575
Yes. I'll rule the world
with my secret.
701
00:53:46,644 --> 00:53:48,577
Yes. And I'll
need you, Trent.
702
00:53:48,645 --> 00:53:51,737
I must have
a visible partner.
703
00:53:51,813 --> 00:53:55,407
I can tell by your stunned expression
that you're pretty impressed.
704
00:54:00,084 --> 00:54:02,608
Look, Ma,
705
00:54:04,119 --> 00:54:06,484
no hands.
706
00:54:06,554 --> 00:54:10,181
I haven't come up with a reagent
to make myself visible again.
707
00:54:10,256 --> 00:54:12,655
But what's the rush?
I'm having a ball.
708
00:54:12,724 --> 00:54:15,021
Watch me closely.
709
00:54:18,427 --> 00:54:22,862
Ever see a shirt
make a phone call?
710
00:54:23,862 --> 00:54:26,386
Pretty scary, huh?
711
00:54:29,232 --> 00:54:30,001
Wait till
you see this.
712
00:54:30,001 --> 00:54:31,222
Uh, no.
Griffin,
Wait till
you see this.
713
00:54:31,222 --> 00:54:33,024
Uh, no.
Griffin,
714
00:54:33,401 --> 00:54:37,130
you don't have to go
all the way.
715
00:54:37,203 --> 00:54:40,762
Yes.
716
00:54:40,838 --> 00:54:43,237
Just listen for
the sound of my voice,
717
00:54:44,640 --> 00:54:47,472
and you'll know
where I am at all times.
718
00:54:47,542 --> 00:54:50,134
Come on. Let's have
some laughs! Griffin!
719
00:54:50,209 --> 00:54:55,201
Being invisible is the best!
720
00:55:04,917 --> 00:55:08,214
Hey! Here comes
the invisible man again.
721
00:55:12,187 --> 00:55:15,780
You, go and get some help.
I'll watch him here.
722
00:55:23,059 --> 00:55:25,549
Whee-ooh!
Whee-ooh!
723
00:55:27,694 --> 00:55:32,061
Oh, my. Now how did that
happen? Must be a ghost in 'ere.
724
00:55:32,130 --> 00:55:34,063
This is unreal.
725
00:55:35,165 --> 00:55:37,257
I'm terribly sorry.
726
00:55:51,340 --> 00:55:54,865
Now, now, now. What's all
this? Here he is, Officer.
727
00:55:54,942 --> 00:55:58,501
Take it easy with him.
He's not really dangerous.
728
00:55:58,577 --> 00:56:00,874
Come along
quietly then, guv.
729
00:56:00,945 --> 00:56:03,935
You'll have
to find me first.
730
00:56:04,913 --> 00:56:07,244
Come along.
731
00:56:07,315 --> 00:56:09,339
Let's cover this one up.
Come on.
732
00:56:09,416 --> 00:56:13,180
Wait. I'm invisible.
Don't touch me there.
733
00:56:16,285 --> 00:56:18,218
Selma!
734
00:56:29,259 --> 00:56:31,192
We now return to our feature...
735
00:56:31,260 --> 00:56:34,193
starring Greta Van Zandt
and Lyle Talbot.
736
00:56:34,261 --> 00:56:37,229
There will be
no further interruptions.
737
00:56:46,834 --> 00:56:50,393
This looks like the remains
of some ancient culture.
738
00:56:50,469 --> 00:56:54,733
Steve, I said some things back
there that I shouldn't have.
739
00:56:54,805 --> 00:56:57,829
Anyway, thanks for saving
me from that dinosaur.
740
00:56:57,906 --> 00:57:02,068
Forget it. Hey, would you
get a load of this joint?
741
00:57:05,177 --> 00:57:07,110
This throne is still warm.
742
00:57:14,548 --> 00:57:16,538
Where are you going?
743
00:57:16,616 --> 00:57:19,049
I forgot somethin'
back on the ship.
744
00:57:19,117 --> 00:57:21,209
What?
I forgot to stay there.
745
00:57:27,488 --> 00:57:31,445
We are experiencing technical
difficulties. Please stand by.
746
00:57:33,124 --> 00:57:35,057
We are experiencing techn...
747
00:57:40,561 --> 00:57:43,120
I demand that you set
us free, Queen Lara.
748
00:57:43,196 --> 00:57:46,186
We are on an official
mission from the planet Earth.
749
00:57:46,264 --> 00:57:48,197
Ha! "Planet Earth. "
750
00:57:48,265 --> 00:57:51,358
Is that what you call that
pitiful ball hanging in the sky?
751
00:57:51,433 --> 00:57:54,696
You wouldn't say that if you saw
Jane Russell or the Brooklyn Dodgers.
752
00:57:54,768 --> 00:57:56,701
Silence, swine,
753
00:57:56,769 --> 00:57:59,565
or you will suffer the
same fate as your friend.
754
00:57:59,637 --> 00:58:03,402
I intend to file a protest
in the death of Blackie!
755
00:58:03,473 --> 00:58:07,566
He dared to enter the sacred temple
and steal the precious moonstones.
756
00:58:07,641 --> 00:58:10,438
But feeding him to giant spiders
without the benefit of counsel...
757
00:58:10,509 --> 00:58:12,738
is not the way we do things
in America.
758
00:58:18,446 --> 00:58:20,538
Boy, I never thought
I'd be so miserable...
759
00:58:20,614 --> 00:58:22,547
surrounded by
beautiful dames.
760
00:58:22,615 --> 00:58:25,673
Cut the gags, Butch.
We're in enough trouble.
761
00:58:25,750 --> 00:58:29,412
What's she lookin' at? She acts
like she's never seen a man before.
762
00:58:29,486 --> 00:58:33,284
She hasn't.
Have you, Alpha Beta?
763
00:58:34,821 --> 00:58:36,879
No, my queen.
764
00:58:36,956 --> 00:58:39,048
What are men good for?
765
00:58:39,124 --> 00:58:41,613
Well, I'm pretty good in
the backseat of a Studebaker.
766
00:58:41,691 --> 00:58:43,783
Butch!
767
00:58:43,859 --> 00:58:48,089
Men are useless.
Back where I come from,
768
00:58:48,161 --> 00:58:50,788
no woman is complete
without a man.
769
00:58:52,163 --> 00:58:54,392
You see,
Commander Nelson,
770
00:58:54,464 --> 00:58:56,727
12,000 gamma-spans ago...
771
00:58:56,799 --> 00:58:59,266
"Gamma-spans"?
A moon unit of time,
772
00:58:59,334 --> 00:59:01,528
roughly equivalent
to your Earth year.
773
00:59:01,601 --> 00:59:05,933
Anyway, all men were banished from the
lunar surface because they couldn't...
774
00:59:06,904 --> 00:59:09,064
For 131 years,
775
00:59:09,139 --> 00:59:11,470
this great institution
has amassed...
776
00:59:11,540 --> 00:59:16,167
what many consider to be the finest
collection of art anywhere in the world.
777
00:59:16,242 --> 00:59:20,336
And now it can all be yours.
778
00:59:20,411 --> 00:59:23,936
We've lost our lease!
779
00:59:24,012 --> 00:59:26,241
That's right.
Everything must go.
780
00:59:26,314 --> 00:59:30,476
From the old masters of Europe to the
conceptual artists of today's SoHo.
781
00:59:30,549 --> 00:59:33,039
We're talking Rembrandts,
Botticellis,
782
00:59:33,117 --> 00:59:35,811
Gauguin, Cézanne,
Matisse, Renoir...
783
00:59:35,885 --> 00:59:38,944
and the chairman of the board,
784
00:59:39,020 --> 00:59:41,453
Leonardo da Vinci.
785
00:59:41,522 --> 00:59:43,647
This Egyptian sarcophagus...
786
00:59:43,722 --> 00:59:48,282
from the dynasty of Ramses II,
appraised at $14 million.
787
00:59:48,358 --> 00:59:51,121
Our price? $19.95.
788
00:59:51,193 --> 00:59:54,126
Buy now, and we'll toss in,
free of charge,
789
00:59:54,194 --> 00:59:57,492
the original
Declaration of Independence.
790
00:59:57,562 --> 01:00:00,724
Now you might expect to pay
millions for this document...
791
01:00:00,798 --> 01:00:02,765
that shaped a great nation.
792
01:00:02,832 --> 01:00:08,233
But it's yours free. This fine parchment
will enhance any den or playroom.
793
01:00:08,301 --> 01:00:11,235
And you can have some fun
with your friends...
794
01:00:11,303 --> 01:00:15,328
by adding your own name
along with the original signers.
795
01:00:15,405 --> 01:00:18,463
Remember,
the Cosmopolitan Museum of Art.
796
01:00:18,540 --> 01:00:22,201
Every Van Gogh must go.
797
01:00:23,875 --> 01:00:25,808
Hello, I'm Henry Silva.
798
01:00:25,876 --> 01:00:29,810
Ever since the ocean liner Titanic
sunk on her maiden voyage in 1912,
799
01:00:29,878 --> 01:00:32,675
people have asked,
"How did it happen?"
800
01:00:32,747 --> 01:00:35,976
Join me...
801
01:00:36,048 --> 01:00:37,981
as we dramatically recreate...
¤ Nearer ¤
802
01:00:38,049 --> 01:00:43,144
the sinking of the great ocean
liner Titanic. ¤ My God, to thee ¤
803
01:00:44,553 --> 01:00:46,486
Bullshit or not?
804
01:00:46,554 --> 01:00:49,919
You be the judge,
here on this station.
805
01:00:49,989 --> 01:00:53,151
From the pen
of America's wealthiest author,
806
01:00:53,224 --> 01:00:55,713
Irving Sidney,
the man who gave us...
807
01:00:55,791 --> 01:00:58,554
The best-sellers, Irving
Sidney's The Naked Virgin...
808
01:00:58,627 --> 01:01:01,254
And Irving Sidney's
The Power and the Flesh,
809
01:01:01,328 --> 01:01:04,625
comes Irving Sidney's
sizzling new blockbuster...
810
01:01:04,696 --> 01:01:08,391
Hey, baby.
811
01:01:08,465 --> 01:01:10,398
Long time
no see, huh?
812
01:01:10,466 --> 01:01:13,332
There must be some mistake.
Come on. Who are ya kiddin'?
813
01:01:13,401 --> 01:01:15,594
It's me.
It's Bert.
814
01:01:15,668 --> 01:01:17,658
Look, I'm in town with
the textile convention,
815
01:01:17,736 --> 01:01:22,967
and I thought maybe we
could, uh, you know, party!
816
01:01:23,039 --> 01:01:24,972
I don't do that anymore.
Oh...
817
01:01:25,040 --> 01:01:28,838
You better get out of here
before you wake the president.
818
01:01:28,908 --> 01:01:32,501
When President Harrison Chandler
was married in the White House,
819
01:01:32,577 --> 01:01:34,806
it was the social event
of the decade.
820
01:01:34,878 --> 01:01:37,572
The courageous president...
821
01:01:37,646 --> 01:01:39,977
and his beautiful new bride.
822
01:01:40,047 --> 01:01:42,913
But she possessed a secret
that could shatter her dreams...
823
01:01:42,982 --> 01:01:45,847
and topple a government.
824
01:01:45,916 --> 01:01:49,214
I'll meet you in the
Lincoln Room in five minutes.
825
01:01:51,020 --> 01:01:53,010
She was forced to live a lie...
826
01:01:53,087 --> 01:01:56,020
when her sins
came back to haunt her.
827
01:01:56,088 --> 01:01:59,886
She was
"first lady of the evening. "
828
01:01:59,957 --> 01:02:03,652
Irving Sidney's
1st Lady of the Evening.
829
01:02:03,725 --> 01:02:08,717
A Magnet paperback in easy-to-read
type with no big words.
830
01:02:12,997 --> 01:02:17,488
¤ Birds suddenly appear ¤
831
01:02:17,565 --> 01:02:20,089
¤ Every time ¤
832
01:02:20,167 --> 01:02:23,397
Look, Violet, what do you say
we go park out by the lake?
833
01:02:23,468 --> 01:02:25,402
My glands are
out of control.
834
01:02:26,537 --> 01:02:30,369
Well, okay, Georgie,
but are you prepared?
835
01:02:30,439 --> 01:02:33,202
I've been preparing myself for 17 years.
836
01:02:33,274 --> 01:02:35,900
That's not what I meant.
837
01:02:35,975 --> 01:02:38,909
¤ Fall down from the sky ¤
Pull over to that drugstore.
838
01:02:45,380 --> 01:02:50,212
¤ On the day that you were
born the angels got together ¤
839
01:02:50,282 --> 01:02:55,774
¤ And decided to create a dream come true ¤
- Georgie.
840
01:02:55,851 --> 01:02:58,785
¤ So they sprinkled
moon dust in your hair ¤
841
01:02:58,853 --> 01:03:02,446
¤ And golden starlight ¤
- Make sure you ask for Titans.
842
01:03:02,522 --> 01:03:05,183
Those are the best.
843
01:03:05,257 --> 01:03:09,782
¤ That is why
all the boys ¤
844
01:03:13,194 --> 01:03:15,626
Hello, George.
How are ya?
845
01:03:15,695 --> 01:03:18,458
Uh, hi, Mr. Gower. I
- I didn't think you worked nights.
846
01:03:18,530 --> 01:03:21,759
My night man took sick.
What can I do for you?
847
01:03:21,831 --> 01:03:24,526
We're having a sale
on shaving cre...
848
01:03:24,599 --> 01:03:28,863
What am I saying? You're not old enough to
shave yet. I've been shaving since March.
849
01:03:28,935 --> 01:03:32,391
See? Hey, I'd better call your
mom right now and thank her...
850
01:03:32,470 --> 01:03:34,699
for the preserves she
brought over to our house...
851
01:03:34,771 --> 01:03:36,704
Not now! I mean...
852
01:03:36,772 --> 01:03:38,796
I mean, don't bother.
853
01:03:38,873 --> 01:03:41,533
I'll give her
the message for you.
854
01:03:41,607 --> 01:03:45,769
- I'll bet I know what you want.
- You do?
855
01:03:45,843 --> 01:03:50,801
Sure. I was young once. Licorice sticks.
856
01:03:50,879 --> 01:03:52,937
They came in
fresh this morning.
857
01:03:53,014 --> 01:03:56,209
Mr. Gower,
I'm 17 years old.
858
01:03:56,282 --> 01:03:59,011
Already?
Seems like only yesterday...
859
01:03:59,084 --> 01:04:01,607
your mom was in here
buying talc...
860
01:04:01,684 --> 01:04:03,981
to powder your
little bottom.
861
01:04:06,587 --> 01:04:08,611
look...
862
01:04:11,323 --> 01:04:14,256
Never mind. Thanks.
863
01:04:16,459 --> 01:04:20,416
¤ Follow you ¤
864
01:04:20,494 --> 01:04:23,326
¤ All around ¤
865
01:04:24,396 --> 01:04:26,522
¤ Just like me ¤
866
01:04:26,597 --> 01:04:29,121
¤ They long to be ¤
867
01:04:30,799 --> 01:04:32,993
Almost forgot
what I came in for.
868
01:04:33,067 --> 01:04:36,523
Tube of toothpaste
and a box of...
869
01:04:36,602 --> 01:04:38,796
Toothpaste and what?
870
01:04:38,870 --> 01:04:40,803
A box of...
Titans.
871
01:04:40,871 --> 01:04:42,838
You have to
speak up, George.
872
01:04:42,905 --> 01:04:45,565
Titans! I want a box
of Titan condoms!
873
01:04:45,639 --> 01:04:48,266
George!
874
01:04:50,709 --> 01:04:55,439
And to think
you were an altar boy.
875
01:05:10,385 --> 01:05:12,318
You did say "Titans"?
876
01:05:12,386 --> 01:05:15,410
Oh, only about four times.
877
01:05:15,488 --> 01:05:17,421
Thanks, Mr. Gower.
878
01:05:37,732 --> 01:05:39,665
What's goin' on?
George?
879
01:05:39,733 --> 01:05:41,996
Rupert King, president
of Titan Condoms.
880
01:05:42,068 --> 01:05:47,299
Congratulations, young man. You are
our one-billionth customer. Pictures.
881
01:05:49,272 --> 01:05:51,761
Thanks, but I really
gotta go. Not so fast, kid.
882
01:05:51,839 --> 01:05:54,329
We've been planning this for
months. It's really not necessary.
883
01:05:54,407 --> 01:05:58,307
Tell me, George, how long have you
been using our fine Titan products?
884
01:05:58,376 --> 01:06:01,105
Uh, you could say I never use
anything else. Great quote.
885
01:06:01,178 --> 01:06:04,634
Are you getting all of this? You're
not gonna use my name, are you?
886
01:06:04,713 --> 01:06:08,238
Modesty, I like it. You could give Titans
that wholesome image we're looking for.
887
01:06:08,314 --> 01:06:10,304
Do you know what
you're doing to me?
888
01:06:10,382 --> 01:06:12,611
The entire town's
gonna know about this.
889
01:06:12,683 --> 01:06:17,447
You'll be a household name, George,
just like Bip, our Titan mascot!
890
01:06:17,519 --> 01:06:20,214
Pictures. Pictures. Hi, folks.
Hi, George. Hi, everybody.
891
01:06:20,287 --> 01:06:22,777
Hey, George, will you
autograph a box for me?
892
01:06:22,855 --> 01:06:26,152
Get used to that, George.
893
01:06:26,223 --> 01:06:29,020
More good news, George.
894
01:06:29,092 --> 01:06:34,425
Even as we speak, your parents are racing here
to join you in your moment ofTitan triumph.
895
01:06:34,494 --> 01:06:37,723
My parents? Are you nuts? I'm
not even supposed to have the car.
896
01:06:37,796 --> 01:06:40,559
Make sure you airbrush out
the kid's acne, okay? George,
897
01:06:40,631 --> 01:06:46,123
as a token of our thanks, we'd like you
to have this lifetime supply ofTitans!
898
01:06:46,200 --> 01:06:49,134
- Thank you, Connie.
- All I wanted was one.
899
01:06:51,569 --> 01:06:53,559
- Violet!
- George, I can tell,
900
01:06:53,637 --> 01:06:56,196
you're as excited as we are,
as you begin this,
901
01:06:56,272 --> 01:06:59,398
your yearlong reign as
our Titan king! Yippee!
902
01:07:17,482 --> 01:07:22,577
And now the exciting
conclusion of the 1955 feature,
903
01:07:22,652 --> 01:07:26,518
Amazon Women of the Moon.
904
01:07:26,587 --> 01:07:29,679
There will be no further
commercial interruptions.
905
01:07:29,755 --> 01:07:31,745
Bullshit or not?
906
01:07:31,823 --> 01:07:33,756
Hey, cut the mush,
you two.
907
01:07:33,824 --> 01:07:36,815
This place is about to
blow sky high. Yes, look!
908
01:07:36,892 --> 01:07:40,018
Moogla, the mountain demon, is angry.
909
01:07:40,093 --> 01:07:42,890
Yeah, and that ain't just
heartburn. We haven't got much time.
910
01:07:42,962 --> 01:07:45,394
Let's go!
911
01:07:45,462 --> 01:07:47,861
Come on, Loony.
912
01:07:57,969 --> 01:08:00,732
There's the rocket.
Hurry! Come on, Alpha Beta.
913
01:08:00,804 --> 01:08:04,101
When we get back to Earth, I'm
gonna show you Ebbets Field.
914
01:08:24,950 --> 01:08:29,646
Oh, Steve,
save yourself.
915
01:08:29,718 --> 01:08:32,709
I wouldn't be able
to enjoy Earth without you.
916
01:08:52,797 --> 01:08:55,196
Fasten seat belts.
917
01:08:55,264 --> 01:09:00,757
I think we got about 12 seconds
before everything blows. Fire retros.
918
01:09:03,169 --> 01:09:06,364
She won't turn over!
919
01:09:14,140 --> 01:09:16,369
Listen to that sweet music.
920
01:10:02,798 --> 01:10:06,732
There goes the only home
I've ever known.
921
01:10:06,800 --> 01:10:11,098
You got a new home now, Lara,
With me on Earth.
922
01:10:17,172 --> 01:10:21,163
What are they doing, Butch?
Well, it's called smoochin', babe.
923
01:10:25,209 --> 01:10:27,938
Come here. I'll give ya
your first lesson.
924
01:10:35,514 --> 01:10:38,277
Earth to Moon Rocket One.
925
01:10:39,283 --> 01:10:41,614
Earth to Moon Rocket One.
926
01:10:41,684 --> 01:10:43,776
This is the President.
927
01:10:43,852 --> 01:10:46,911
Steve, I hope you have
things well in hand.
928
01:10:48,321 --> 01:10:50,311
I'll say.
929
01:11:01,560 --> 01:11:04,426
Whooping, Gunfire
930
01:11:11,933 --> 01:11:13,866
Yeah, you. Come here.
931
01:11:19,436 --> 01:11:21,767
Yeah?
Saturday night.
932
01:11:25,040 --> 01:11:27,666
- Yeah?
- Ain't got a date.
933
01:11:30,175 --> 01:11:33,506
- What's your name, kid?
- Ray.
934
01:12:15,698 --> 01:12:17,995
You must be Ray.
935
01:12:20,200 --> 01:12:22,133
I'm Sherrie.
936
01:12:25,336 --> 01:12:27,394
I heard you were
good-looking,
937
01:12:28,905 --> 01:12:31,929
but I had no idea.
938
01:12:32,006 --> 01:12:33,996
Come on in.
939
01:12:41,111 --> 01:12:43,044
As you can see,
I made dinner.
940
01:12:43,112 --> 01:12:49,070
Mmm, but I'm not hungry
just yet... for food.
941
01:12:49,147 --> 01:12:51,205
Do you know what I mean?
942
01:13:07,523 --> 01:13:10,184
Help me with my zipper, Ray?
943
01:13:12,493 --> 01:13:17,553
That's so much better.
944
01:13:17,628 --> 01:13:20,994
God, you're such a hunk, Ray.
945
01:13:23,498 --> 01:13:27,092
I want you.
And I want you now.
946
01:13:27,166 --> 01:13:29,099
Get over here, Ray.
947
01:13:31,602 --> 01:13:33,535
I'm waiting, Ray.
948
01:13:33,603 --> 01:13:36,332
Take me.
949
01:13:36,405 --> 01:13:40,237
I want you to make wild,
violent love to me.
950
01:13:48,411 --> 01:13:52,345
Oh, you're so good, Ray.
951
01:13:58,616 --> 01:14:01,947
You're the best, Ray.
Yeah, yeah.
952
01:14:02,018 --> 01:14:05,349
Ray, give it to me!
953
01:14:05,419 --> 01:14:08,649
Mmm, that's good, Ray.
954
01:14:08,721 --> 01:14:12,780
Yeah!
955
01:14:19,259 --> 01:14:22,716
- You dirty slut!
- Frankie, what are you doin' here?
956
01:14:22,795 --> 01:14:26,251
- I thought you were outta town!
- That's what I wanted you to think!
957
01:14:26,330 --> 01:14:31,765
- And I expected a little more from you, Ray.
- What, of me?
958
01:14:31,832 --> 01:14:35,960
- You think I care about a loser like Ray?
- Loser?
959
01:14:36,035 --> 01:14:39,003
- I did it to hurt you.
- You did it to hurt me?
960
01:14:39,070 --> 01:14:41,229
Well, your cheatin' days
are over, street meat!
961
01:14:41,303 --> 01:14:45,260
Frankie, what are you doin'with
that gun? I'm gonna teach you...
962
01:14:45,339 --> 01:14:47,932
and this little
know-nothing wimp a lesson!
963
01:14:48,007 --> 01:14:50,975
- That's what I'm doin' with the gun.
- No, Frankie!
964
01:14:51,043 --> 01:14:53,771
I love you!
I've always loved you.
965
01:14:53,843 --> 01:14:57,208
You think I enjoyed going to bed
with a worm like Ray? Shut up!
966
01:14:57,278 --> 01:14:59,905
- Worm?
- You're history, Sherrie.
967
01:15:06,784 --> 01:15:08,717
Satisfied, Ray? Hmm?
968
01:15:08,785 --> 01:15:11,047
Happy now, buddy?
969
01:15:11,118 --> 01:15:15,450
Well, you're gonna have to live with
that guilt for the rest of your life.
970
01:15:15,521 --> 01:15:17,647
And you know what else, Ray?
971
01:15:18,756 --> 01:15:20,916
You're gonna have to live
with this too.
972
01:15:20,991 --> 01:15:23,150
Freeze!
973
01:15:26,360 --> 01:15:28,623
You have the right
to remain silent.
974
01:15:28,694 --> 01:15:30,661
If you give up the right
to remain silent,
975
01:15:30,729 --> 01:15:33,628
anything you say can and will be
used against you in a court of law.
976
01:15:33,696 --> 01:15:37,391
You have the right to speak with an attorney and
have an attorney present at time of questioning.
977
01:15:37,565 --> 01:15:41,192
¤ I was at a dance ¤
978
01:15:42,168 --> 01:15:44,101
¤ When she caught my eye ¤
979
01:15:45,169 --> 01:15:47,102
¤ Standing all alone ¤
980
01:15:48,171 --> 01:15:51,161
¤ Looking sad and shy ¤
981
01:15:51,238 --> 01:15:53,171
¤ We began to dance ¤
982
01:15:54,307 --> 01:15:57,934
¤ Swayin' to and fro
whoa, whoa ¤
983
01:15:58,009 --> 01:16:02,171
¤ And soon I knew
I'd never let her go ¤
984
01:16:03,244 --> 01:16:06,303
¤ Blame it on the bossa nova ¤
985
01:16:06,380 --> 01:16:08,313
¤ With its magic spell ¤
986
01:16:09,381 --> 01:16:11,974
¤ Blame it on the bossa nova ¤
987
01:16:12,049 --> 01:16:13,982
¤ That she did so well ¤
988
01:16:15,350 --> 01:16:18,614
¤ Oh, it all began
with just one little dance ¤
989
01:16:18,686 --> 01:16:21,346
¤ But soon it ended up
a big romance ¤
990
01:16:21,420 --> 01:16:24,684
¤ Blame it on the bossa nova ¤
991
01:16:24,756 --> 01:16:27,279
¤ The dance of love ¤
992
01:16:27,356 --> 01:16:30,290
¤ Blame it on the bossa nova ¤
993
01:16:30,358 --> 01:16:32,291
¤ With its magic spell ¤
994
01:16:33,359 --> 01:16:35,918
¤ Blame it on the bossa nova ¤
995
01:16:35,994 --> 01:16:37,927
¤ That she did so well ¤
996
01:16:39,296 --> 01:16:42,560
¤ Oh, it all began
with just one little dance ¤
997
01:16:42,631 --> 01:16:45,189
¤ But soon it ended up
a big romance ¤
998
01:16:45,265 --> 01:16:48,597
¤ Blame it on the bossa nova ¤
999
01:16:48,668 --> 01:16:52,693
¤ The dance of love ¤
1000
01:17:02,308 --> 01:17:04,298
Is there anybody out there?
1001
01:17:07,410 --> 01:17:09,604
Would you please
do me a favor?
1002
01:17:09,678 --> 01:17:14,545
Call Crazy Leo's and tell him the
TV set he sold me has a problem.
1003
01:17:14,614 --> 01:17:17,342
I'm still under warranty.
1004
01:17:17,415 --> 01:17:20,577
Hello? Hello?
1005
01:17:26,053 --> 01:17:27,986
Help me.
I'll never see Selma.
1006
01:17:28,054 --> 01:17:31,419
I'll never get back.
I'll never get back.
1007
01:17:31,489 --> 01:17:35,389
I'm finished. I'm finished.
I'll never get back.
1008
01:17:35,457 --> 01:17:38,016
I'm goin' out of my mind.
1009
01:18:02,771 --> 01:18:05,567
Mary Brown?
1010
01:18:05,639 --> 01:18:10,597
- Yes.
- Sit down, Mary Brown.
1011
01:18:15,644 --> 01:18:17,634
Thank you, Doctor.
1012
01:18:18,746 --> 01:18:22,737
Mary, I've been going
over your tests.
1013
01:18:22,815 --> 01:18:25,976
How did a nice girl
like you...
1014
01:18:26,049 --> 01:18:30,074
come to contract
a social disease?
1015
01:18:30,152 --> 01:18:32,915
Then my worst fears
are confirmed.
1016
01:18:32,986 --> 01:18:35,510
Oh, the shame of it!
1017
01:18:35,587 --> 01:18:40,352
Now, now.
You are unclean,
1018
01:18:41,724 --> 01:18:45,214
but there's always hope.
1019
01:18:47,093 --> 01:18:49,822
Tell me how
you went astray.
1020
01:18:49,895 --> 01:18:53,488
Tell me everything.
1021
01:18:54,597 --> 01:18:57,359
I won a...
beauty contest...
1022
01:18:57,431 --> 01:18:59,364
here in Iowa.
1023
01:18:59,432 --> 01:19:03,423
I thought I'd try my luck...
in New York.
1024
01:19:06,503 --> 01:19:08,561
It wasn't like
Iowa at all.
1025
01:19:08,638 --> 01:19:12,538
And then I met
a theatrical agent.
1026
01:19:12,606 --> 01:19:16,131
Gosh, that sure is different than
the sarsaparilla we have back home.
1027
01:19:16,208 --> 01:19:18,698
Well, we like a little more
"sass" in our "parilla. "
1028
01:19:18,776 --> 01:19:23,233
Now, Mary I didn't get you up
here to dish out a lot o' hooey.
1029
01:19:23,311 --> 01:19:26,108
Oh, that's all right.
I already had lunch.
1030
01:19:26,180 --> 01:19:29,409
You see, there's a social side
to this business we call "show. "
1031
01:19:29,481 --> 01:19:33,108
Now, uh, let me see your gams. What?
1032
01:19:36,585 --> 01:19:39,609
I was humiliated,
though oddly excited.
1033
01:19:40,921 --> 01:19:43,149
Well, he told me
he could spot fresh talent...
1034
01:19:43,221 --> 01:19:46,950
and sent me to see a colleague
of his named Dutch Monahan. ¤
1035
01:19:47,023 --> 01:19:50,014
It turned out to be
a wild party.
1036
01:19:52,660 --> 01:19:56,116
Here. Dunk your whiskers
in this, sister.
1037
01:19:56,195 --> 01:19:59,424
You guys sure like your
sarsaparilla in this town.
1038
01:19:59,496 --> 01:20:01,429
Get her.
1039
01:20:01,497 --> 01:20:04,863
Shut your trap,
or I'll bite your ears off.
1040
01:20:04,932 --> 01:20:08,196
Keep your hands off me,
ya big palooka.
1041
01:20:08,267 --> 01:20:11,359
That was my first exposure
to New York intellectuals.
1042
01:20:12,736 --> 01:20:16,636
Gee, whiz. My first
sophisticated, New York party.
1043
01:20:16,705 --> 01:20:19,194
Which one
is Cole Porter?
1044
01:20:21,340 --> 01:20:25,775
When you realized that your
body had been rendered impure,
1045
01:20:25,842 --> 01:20:28,639
what did you do?
1046
01:20:28,711 --> 01:20:31,803
I made another
foolish blunder.
1047
01:20:31,879 --> 01:20:34,813
I married my high school
sweetheart, Ken.
1048
01:20:34,881 --> 01:20:37,677
My shameful affliction
was exposed at last...
1049
01:20:37,748 --> 01:20:41,079
when Ken began showing symptoms
of the disease.
1050
01:20:41,150 --> 01:20:43,777
Good-bye, honey.
I'm going to work.
1051
01:20:43,851 --> 01:20:46,318
Good-bye.
1052
01:20:48,654 --> 01:20:52,588
Ken, what's wrong?
My eyes.
1053
01:20:52,656 --> 01:20:55,589
Had my sinful ways
caught up with me?
1054
01:20:55,657 --> 01:20:58,557
Had I inflicted Ken
with my secret shame?
1055
01:21:00,794 --> 01:21:03,761
Ken's vision began
to affect his work.
1056
01:21:03,828 --> 01:21:09,286
Mike! Sorry!
1057
01:21:10,965 --> 01:21:13,865
Ah, today's
reckless youth,
1058
01:21:13,933 --> 01:21:17,301
with your fast roadsters
and your rumble seats.
1059
01:21:18,369 --> 01:21:23,099
I want to show you something,
Mary Brown, for your own good.
1060
01:21:23,171 --> 01:21:27,162
Take a look at the germs
that have ravaged your system.
1061
01:21:34,943 --> 01:21:37,809
Come now with me
to the clinic.
1062
01:21:46,916 --> 01:21:51,044
What you are going to see here
is not pleasant.
1063
01:21:51,118 --> 01:21:55,177
I didn't realize we had such
specialized clinics here in Iowa.
1064
01:21:55,254 --> 01:21:59,814
When science is on the march,
nothing can stand in its way.
1065
01:22:05,092 --> 01:22:07,286
Who is that
pitiful creature?
1066
01:22:07,360 --> 01:22:10,795
Let's call him...
1067
01:22:10,861 --> 01:22:12,795
Pete Jones.
1068
01:22:12,862 --> 01:22:16,887
Pete's first troubles were with
smoking cigarettes and drinking beer.
1069
01:22:16,964 --> 01:22:19,295
Weren't they, Pete?
1070
01:22:19,366 --> 01:22:22,493
Get back! We don't have any cigarettes!
1071
01:22:22,568 --> 01:22:24,501
Sad, isn't it?
1072
01:22:24,569 --> 01:22:27,832
I've seen enough,
Doctor! I know you have.
1073
01:22:27,903 --> 01:22:29,836
But have you?
1074
01:22:29,904 --> 01:22:32,633
Resist temptation,
or you may end up...
1075
01:22:32,706 --> 01:22:36,299
like Pete...
and Mary...
1076
01:22:36,375 --> 01:22:39,433
and Ken.
1077
01:22:40,305 --> 01:23:40,511
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