Original subtitles

MAN: Hey, howdy there, Mr. Lee.

What is this? Filipino New Year's?

No. Why you say that?

Because you're cooking up a feast.

I can smell it all the way from the interstate.

What is that? Barbecue?

Oh, yeah. But it not coming from here.

What is that noise?

[RUMBLING]

CHILD 1: Daddy!

-Daddy! CHILD 2: Daddy!

[MOOING]

[FLYING SAUCER WHIRRING]

What is your take on this, Jerry?

The people are gonna love it, Mr. President.

Our only conflict is whether we ambush the 6:00 news or hold out for prime time.

Screw the press. This is a need-to-know situation.

We should make it top secret...

...and move in right away with DEFCON 4.

Mr. President, we cannot sit on this.

General Casey, do you have an opinion?

Well, sir, do we know they're hostile?

What do you mean, "do we know they're hostile?"

They have our planet surrounded with thousands of warships.

Do we know they're warships?

[SIGHS]

Professor, what do we know about them?

We know they're extremely advanced technologically...

...which suggests, very rightfully so, that they're peaceful.

An advanced civilization is, by definition, not barbaric.

Mr. President, this is a great day.

I and all my colleagues are extremely excited.

Good.

Extraterrestrial life.

You're right, Jerry.

The people are gonna love it.

This is a momentous occasion.

-Mr. President, we have to act-- PRESIDENT: We'll go all media on this.

I'll wear my blue Cerruti suit. And, Jerry, I'll need a good speech.

Statesman-like...

...historical and yet warm and neighborly.

Abraham Lincoln meets Leave It to Beaver. You know the sort of thing. Heh.

Yes, sir.

WOMAN: Are they too old-fashioned? MAN: Yes.

WOMAN: No, I don't think so.

This has got the colors, but no. I don't think so.

-Not vivid enough. MAN: Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

-Nancy had this in the library, didn't she? -Yes, indeed.

I don't think so.

I thought perhaps the watered silk. And this week it's on sale.

I hardly think I need worry about that.

My husband is the leader of the free world.

What do you think, Taffy?

Why don't you leave the Roosevelt Room the way the Roosevelts wanted it?

[LAUGHS]

Because Eleanor Roosevelt was too fond of chintz. That's why.

Mother, this isn't your house.

Taffy, if you're going to be a pest, I'm going to ignore you.

-Mrs. Dale? -Yes?

[HORNS HONK]

[LAUGHING]

-I saw you fight Sonny Liston in '69. -Really?

-You mean, you were a nun back then? -Oh, yes.

We've always been fight fans, haven't we, sisters?

WOMAN [OVER PA]: Byron Williams, telephone.

-Byron Williams.... -That's me. I gotta go.

You ladies have a nice time, all right? Thank you.

[LAUGHING]

-Yeah? WOMAN [OVER PHONE]: Byron?

Oh, Louise.

LOUISE: I'm sorry I have to call you at work.

The boys haven't been home in two nights and I don't know what to do.

Listen, you're doing the best you can.

They're just at that age.

Louise, the casino manager's giving me the evil eye. I've gotta go.

I'll call you later, okay?

Hey, are you still cool on me coming to Washington?

Sure. Of course I am.

You take care, okay? Bye.

Ahh....

Do you have to drink in front of me?

You're an adult. Just cope.

It doesn't help me that all we ever do is sit around in bars.

Hey. This is work, baby, okay?

I'm checking the decor, the lighting, the traffic flow.

If I'd known you'd turn into a crook, I never would have married you.

I'm not a crook.

I'm ambitious. There's a difference.

And if you think you can make a nickel in this town...

...without knowing how to dally around a few curves, well...

...you don't know doodlysquat about the gaming industry.

Oh, Art.

Galaxy's gonna be the best hotel in Vegas.

The best. I promise.

Don't you realize what you're doing? Destroying the Earth.

All this greed. This money system.

You're destroying everything.

Okay, okay, Barbara. Okay.

Keep your voice down.

I got friends here.

Sugar. Hit me one more time.

-Stop flirting with the waitress. -Oh, God. Here.

Go on over to the roulette...

...play our anniversary...

...and stay off of black.

Thanks, honey.

[HORN BLOWING]

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Yeah?

Make it quick. We go out live in 10 minutes.

What? The actual president? What do you mean, "cutting in"?

[KEYPAD BEEPING]

Budget negotiations may be dead in the water after this week.

Hair looks good.

I like the hair.

--quote, "factually challenged." Griffin says....

[PHONE RINGS]

Yeah, Stone. Speak.

Jason, hi, it's me.

You wearing a bra?

Listen, this is big. President Dale is cutting into my show today.

That's absurd. Why would he stoop to being on Today in Fashion?

He's interrupting everybody.

I don't know, it's some sort of emergency announcement or something.

This doesn't make sense. He should be talking to us.

[SCOFFS]

White House is coming out live.

Good evening, my fellow Americans.

I apologize for interrupting your regular programs...

...but I have a very important announcement to make.

Many important things have happened to me in my life:

My graduation from Princeton...

...the day that Marsha said she would be my wife...

...the birth of our daughter, Taffy.

Thanks, Dad.

And the news that I have heard today...

-...ranks right up there. -Thank you.

A powerful memory is in the making.

Not just for me...

...but for all mankind.

Today, an extraordinary discovery was made by the Hubble telescope.

The data from the Hubble was decoded...

...then analyzed by the most powerful computers at MIT.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

The images are undeniable.

We are entering the dawn of a new era.

Frame enlargements provide an astonishing sight.

A fleet of vehicles, which can best be described as...

...flying saucers.

Come on. Come on. Papa needs a new pair of shoes.

Hey!

Hey, am I the only one shooting craps here?

PRESIDENT: --we will have the opportunity to meet with them.

I feel this is the perfect summation to the 20th century....

Martians.

This is great.

Please come to Earth. Please.

We need you.

[PRESIDENT TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

ART: I got people coming in.

Everybody wants to be a part of this.

Galaxy's gonna be world-class.

And soon...

...we will become one solar system.

What the hell is he talking about?

These flying saucers have come from the planet Mars...

-...and at their current course and speed.... -Oh. Hey.

Listen, Hoss. I've been thinking about Martians when there wasn't no Martians.

It is profoundly moving to know there is intelligent life out there.

Glad they got it somewhere.

And our world will never feel quite the same again.

Good night...

...and God bless you all.

This...

...is intense.

[PHONE RINGS]

[BARKING]

Shut up, Poppy. Shut up.

Shut up.

Jason Stone.

It's for you.

Poppy, honey. No, sweetie.

That's right. Shh. Good girl. Yeah?

Yeah. Well, I could be there at...

...I don't know, 11.

Okay, bye-bye.

[SIGHS]

Yes?

Oh, they want me to go interview that professor from the White House.

Kessler?

-Donald Kessler? -Yeah, I think that was his name.

You know, the science guy.

This is nuts, this is....

We should have got that guy.

Well, I can't help it if your people are too slow.

Right, Poppy?

[BARKING]

[MAN TALKING INDISTINCTLY OVER TV]

-Finished! -One minute, 57 seconds.

-Ha-ha! Didn't I tell you under two minutes? -You did.

You did. I'm so proud of you.

-Hey, Ma, you want a doughnut? -How old are they?

Fresh-baked Monday.

Richie, that's six days ago.

Okay, give me a couple.

Hey, this Martian thing is pretty awesome, huh?

Did any one of you traitors see my Muffy?

Your brother's gonna volunteer.

BILLY GLENN: As soon as I get back to the base.

-Volunteer for what, Billy Glenn? -Martian detail.

-Uh-huh. -Cool.

If any of them Martians come around here...

...I'm gonna kick their butts. Heh-heh-heh.

[ELECTRONIC GUNSHOTS]

Jump!

Excuse me, folks, but we gotta make an unscheduled stop.

[TIRES SCREECH]

It's Mama.

What are you doing here? Huh? If you ain't home, why ain't you in class?

-Mama, class was canceled. -Class was not canceled.

-Come here. Come here. -For what?

I'm not gonna hurt you. Now, come here.

Let go of him.

Okay. Now, just come here.

Come here.

Think it's smart to cut school?

-What are you doing? -Do you? Do you? Huh? Huh?

-No. -"No, Mama." It's dumb.

-You're gonna flunk and go to jail. CEDRIC: No.

Get your butt on the bus. Get on that bus, boy.

I'll be tripping all over you. Get back there.

-I don't want to hear another word. CEDRIC: I hate school.

I heard that.

WOMAN 1: Hi. -Hi there.

WOMAN 1: Want a date? WOMAN 2: How about it?

A date?

Sounds good.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

The stress at work is...

...unbelievable.

Mr. Bava, can I speak to you in private?

No, I gotta watch the floor. What do you want, Byron?

-I'm supporting my family back East. -I thought you were divorced.

Well, I am, but I still have to take care of them.

Anyway, look. Things have been a little lean around here...

...and I was wondering if I could get a raise?

-Out of the question. -Mr. Bava, I'm an asset to this hotel.

-I mean, they like me around here. -Byron, you're a nice guy.

But I can get Leon Spinks or Buster Douglas for the same money, maybe less.

You better get moving. You're on in five minutes.

[WHIRRING]

[CHUCKLES]

This show's gonna get a hell of a rating.

It's all yours, Ian.

--language you choose to employ, and in certain circumstances...

...the proposition that two and two equals five...

...is entirely legitimate.

Call me Nathalie.

And you, do please call me Donald.

I've always admired your show.

Really? You like my work?

Yes. Very much.

Why....

Why, thank you.

MAN: Coming out of commercial.

In five, four, three, two....

Welcome back. We're speaking with Professor Donald Kessler.

He's the chairman of the American Academy of Astronautics.

Professor...

...isn't it weird that we sent a space probe to Mars...

...and we didn't even find anyone?

Well, not really, Nathalie...

...because we didn't get into the canals.

The Martian canals are actually canyons.

Some of them are over 100 miles deep.

The Martian civilization has clearly developed...

...under the surface of the planet.

Their science and technology must be absolutely mind-boggling.

So, what, in your view, Donald Kessler...

...chairman, are some of the things that the Martians can teach us, professor?

KESSLER: Quite a lot about Mars, I expect, Nathalie.

[GIGGLES]

[CHUCKLES]

She's flirting with him.

Ahem. But seriously, this is tremendously exciting.

Think of it. The knowledge, new ideas. It's gonna change everything.

And we must be open to it.

Maybe they can tell us about our universe.

How it started. Where it's going.

Perhaps even its purpose.

It's tremendously exciting.

This is the most important thing to happen since Jesus walked in Galilee.

Oh, Christ. What's wrong with the picture?

Go to Camera 2!

I can't. It's busted.

Well, then go to 1. Go to 4.

[STATIC HUMMING]

[POPPY WHIMPERS]

He just copped a feel.

Now what?

[POPPY BARKING]

What's that?

So that's a Martian.

That's a Martian?

[BARKS]

[SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

-Oh, my God. -Yikes.

I'm not gonna have that thing in my house.

[CHUCKLES]

Sweetie, we may have to. The people will expect me to meet with them.

Well, they're not gonna eat off the Van Buren china.

[SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

Oh, look at that brain.

He must be real smart.

It's gross.

Don't forget, Nathalie...

...that we will look equally gross to him.

Whoa. He made the international sign of the doughnut.

From the limited information available, I've made three extrapolations.

One, our Martian friend is a carbon-based life form.

Two, he breathes nitrogen.

And three, the large cerebrum here indicates...

...telepathic potential.

You mean they can read our thoughts?

-Potentially, yes. -What about their intentions?

Are they a friendly people?

Logic dictates that given their extremely high level of technical development...

...they're an advanced culture...

...therefore, peaceful and enlightened.

The human race, on the other hand...

...is an aggressively dangerous species.

Now, I suspect they have more to fear from us...

...than we from them.

-Doctor. -Thank you, professor.

For many years, I've been refining a translating computer.

The results are not perfect...

...but this may answer some of your questions.

[SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

MARTIAN: All green of skin...

...800 centuries ago.

Their bodily fluids include the birth of half-breeds.

-How many centuries did he say? -Eight hundred, sir.

--self-determination of the cosmos.

For dark is the suede that mows like a harvest.

What the hell does that mean?

-Hey, Mitch. -Good morning, miss.

I'm sorry, you can't come this way. There's a tour in progress.

Oh.

Hello, my name is Barbara.

ALL: Hello, Barbara.

I am an alcoholic, but I haven't had a drink in three months.

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

Thank you.

I'm feeling so optimistic because of the Martians.

We're not alone in the universe.

And it's so perfect...

...that it's happening at the beginning of the new millennium.

Our planet was suffering with the ozone and the rain forest...

...and so many people unhappy in their lives.

And then the Martians heard our global karmic cry for help.

People say they're ugly...

...but I think they've come to show us the way.

I think they've come to save us.

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

[LAUGHS]

[MOUTHING] Thank you.

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

Bye-bye.

You be careful, baby, okay? Don't get yourself killed.

Oh, ain't she cute?

-Son, we're real proud of you. -Thanks, Dad.

GLENN: Let me take this.

-So long, bro. -So long, retard.

Just don't be touching none of my stuff while I'm gone.

Bye-bye, Grandma.

Goodbye, Thomas.

It's Billy Glenn, Grandma.

I know. Thomas. Ha-ha-ha.

Bye-bye, honey.

I got to go.

All right.

SHARONA: I love you, baby.

Adios.

GLENN: Be careful, boy.

Bye-bye.

Well, he'll be all right.

-I hope so. -Army trains them good.

Well, he's gone for a while.

Oh, Richie, why can't you be more like your brother?

Darling, we got plumb lucky with Billy Glenn.

Can't expect the same luck twice.

Richie, want to make yourself useful for a change?

-Sure, Dad. -Take Grandma back to the home.

Grandma, I bet you never thought you'd live to see the Martians coming to Earth.

It's pretty far out, huh?

Just think of all the crazy stuff you must have seen in your lifetime.

I bet people were pretty scared when they invented the train.

Come on, kid, I'm not that old.

Grandma, are you okay?

I want to see Slim.

I want to see Slim...

...and Muffy and Richie.

Grandma, I'm Richie.

I know, Thomas.

Richie was always the best one.

The president is talking to other world leaders.

They're preparing a list of issues of common interest to discuss.

There is a unilateral, concerted, diplomatic effort being made.

[SHOUTING ALL AT ONCE]

-Jason. -Yeah, Jerry, thanks.

If the Martians land, will the press have access?

Can we do interviews?

Well, I mean, that depends.

You know, we'd have to establish contact...

...work out whatever communication problems...

...establish a parameter for talks. Then I guess we just see what happens. Heh-heh.

Oh, here's the president.

[CAMERAS CLICKING]

Good morning. It's nice to see you all again.

I just have a few minutes for questions, so let's get started.

ALL: Mr. President!

Do the Martians have two sexes, like we do?

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER TV]

MAN [ON TV]: From Hollywood, we bring you The Lawrence Welk Show.

Now, here he is, Mr. Music-Maker himself, Lawrence Welk.

This pussycat is the most beautiful pussycat...

...in the whole world.

That's my Muffy.

Mwah.

Richie, didn't you ever have a pussycat of your own?

Sure, Grandma.

Music.

-There you go. -Thank you.

[NEEDLE SCRATCHES]

Hey, Grandma, you gonna be okay?

If you need anything, any doughnuts or anything...

...give me a call, all right?

[SLIM WHITMAN'S "INDIAN LOVE CALL" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Bye.

Will you answer too

How do, Byron?

Looks like you ain't got no wheels.

Come on, get in.

I'm gonna do you a favor, Byron.

I owe you one. I made a ton of money on your last fight in '73.

The Quaker in Jamaica.

Heh. I'm glad somebody did.

Yeah, I know, I know.

It's rough on jocks.

Get to a certain age, opportunities dry up.

So here's the deal.

I got this chump, owes me a lot of money, needs a wake-up call.

What I'd like for you to do is...

...use that patented left hook on him.

Just in the ring, Art, you know? Just in the ring.

Yeah, I'm hip, I'm hip...

...but I'll give you two grand.

When you're done...

...all you gotta do is mosey on by the office and pick up the cash.

Why you wanna come at me that way, Art?

You know I'm trying to get back with my wife.

We used to have problems with that same kind of shit.

I've changed, man.

I found Allah, I don't eat pork, and I'm a better man.

I faced that demon. I don't want him coming out again.

You gave up pork.

[WHIRRING AND BEEPING]

General, they're sending coordinates.

-Where are they landing? -Pahrump. It's in the Nevada desert.

Yes, sir. I can have my troops there at 0800 hours, sir.

Mr. President, we must not send these people the wrong message.

We need a welcome mat, not a row of tanks.

What the hell are you talking about?

You can't have Martians running all over Nevada!

-You're right, general. -Thank you, sir.

The situation needs to be supervised.

Absolutely, sir.

General Casey...

...you think you can handle it?

I'd be proud.

Good, but keep a lid on it.

Key media, good cross-section of guests.

We don't want it to turn into a zoo out there.

Yes, sir.

They don't know what the hell they're talking about.

Liberals, intellectuals...

...peacemongers, idiots!

Would you please keep it down?

People live here.

[PHONE RINGS]

General Casey.

[CHUCKLES]

Yes, I get to greet the Martian ambassador.

Isn't that great?

Oh, it's a hell of an honor.

But didn't I always tell you, honey...

...if I just stayed in place and never spoke up...

...good things were bound to happen?

Yeah. Okay.

I want the Martians to be treated like foreign dignitaries.

I want your men alert and majestic...

...with a snap in their step.

This has got to look good. The whole world is watching.

BOTH: Yes, sir.

[ELECTRONIC BEEPING]

Are you positive this thing is gonna work?

Positively positive.

We don't want any slip-ups.

No, no, no. Not at all. No.

Hey, Poppy. All these people...

...all of them here to see you.

Mm-mwah.

There's Jason, Poppy.

Hi, Jason!

Hi.

Jason.

Hi. Yoo-hoo.

All right, let's go.

The teeming masses have gathered from who knows how many states...

...waiting and watching. Why have they come?

[ON TV] Curiosity? Or is it something more?

Or is it simply to say, "I was there"?

"I was there when first man...

...met Martian."

Jason Stone, GNN, Pahrump.

[BARKS]

Give them room. That's it. Give them room.

It is an awesome sight.

The giant spacecraft glinting...

...in the Nevada sun like a giant...

...hubcap.

Something's happening.

[POPPY BARKS]

Doorway is opening.

A silver ramp is coming out...

...like a giant tongue. Oh.

[SPEAKS IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

Gee whiz.

[BARKS]

[GROWLS THEN BARKING]

Rusty. Shh.

[SPEAKS IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

Martians.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Funny little critters, ain't they?

[SPEAKS IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[MARTIAN SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[ELECTRONIC BEEPING]

CASEY: Well?

Wait a moment.

[STATIC HUMMING]

MARTIAN: Greetings. I am the Martian ambassador.

Everything is fixed now, general. You may speak.

Greetings. I am General Casey...

...commanding officer of the armed forces of the United States of America.

On behalf of the people of Earth, welcome.

He did that well.

[SCIENTIST PLAYING TRANSLATION IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

MARTIAN: We come in peace.

We come in peace. We come in peace.

They came in peace.

[CROWD CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

We come in peace.

[GASPS]

[BARKS]

Open fire!

[PEOPLE SHOUTING]

[GUNFIRE OVER TV]

Whoa!

[YELLS]

What the hell is this?

Nathalie!

[SCREAMS]

Die, you alien shithead!

Uh-oh.

I surrender.

[GASPING]

No, that ain't happening. That didn't happen.

[SOLDIERS SHOUTING]

JASON: Nathalie.

Aah!

[POPPY BARKS]

[GASPS]

[SPEAKS IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

Holy mother of God.

Did you see that?

We should hit these assholes with everything we got, sir.

Sir, Mr. President, I know this seems terrible...

...but let's not be too rash.

We should nuke them now, sir.

We must establish a line of communication first.

Why not set up a town hall?

We can get the public's opinion.

What do you think, Marsha?

Kick the crap out of them.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...this could be a cultural misunderstanding.

Yeah. Maybe to them, doves mean war.

We all saw how they reacted to that dove.

It frightened them.

He did say that...

..."We come in peace."

Yes.

The new computer's ready, Mr. President.

Okay, let's do it.

I know we're making the right decision.

Ready to transmit.

This is the president of the United States.

I'm speaking to you in the hope...

...that what happened earlier today in the Nevada desert...

...was a cultural misunderstanding.

There can be no doubt that we two peoples...

...have a great deal to offer one another.

You must be as excited as we...

...to find intelligent life in the solar system.

And let me make it clear:

You have nothing to fear from us.

Our customs may be strange to you...

...but we mean no harm.

[SPEAKS IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[BOTH CACKLING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

ART: When the investors fly in...

...I would like for them each to be met by a limo.

Top-of-the-line cars...

...leather interiors...

...Corinthian, if they got it.

Art, are you still spinning your wheels on that cockamamie hotel?

-Whoa. -Hello.

The Martians have attacked.

This was no misunderstanding. I was there. I saw it.

Look, you're worried about yesterday.

But I'm worried about tomorrow.

The Martians land on Earth, they're gonna need a place to stay.

Just like everybody else.

My God.

Maybe we should all be destroyed.

The human race doesn't deserve to live.

Ethel, that reminds me.

I would like for every limo to be stocked...

...with every kind of alcohol known to man.

And top it off with a bottle of Dom on ice.

KESSLER: What confounds me most of all, gentlemen, is the lack of genitalia.

And of course down here we have the aorta. Up here we have the sphinx.

Notice the highly developed cranial nerve system here.

This explains, of course, the cerebral arteries.

And if we notice down here, behind the optic chiasm...

...several glands....

Very curious.

[MARTIANS QUACKING]

[DRILLING]

[BARKING]

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

PRIEST: He who believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live.

And whoever lives and believes in me shall never die.

Billy Glenn Norris gave his life defending our country.

Why did it have to be him?

PRIEST: Billy Glenn Norris is a true American hero.

May God rest his soul.

[BUGLE PLAYING]

MAN: Ready. Aim.

Fire.

Aim. Fire.

Aim. Fire.

[RINGING]

Hello?

Byron. Is everything all right? You still coming tomorrow?

You just try and stop me. That plane arrives at 4 p.m.

-Are the kids there? -Yeah, hold on.

Cedric. Neville.

-Me first. -No, me.

-Hey, Dad. -Who's that? Neville?

NEVILLE: Yeah. -How you doing?

-We're going to the White House. -You're going to the White House?

Yeah, tomorrow.

-Man, give it back. -Leave me alone.

It's a school thing, like a tour.

So that means you're still going to school once in a while?

Yeah.

-Give me your ma again, all right? -All right. Hold on. Mom.

-You always get to the phone first. -So what?

Well, I'm first to the game.

What are you wasting this phone time for? We're gonna see you tomorrow.

Yeah, but there's something I want to say to you.

Just because I feel like saying it, all right?

Yeah, what's that?

I love you.

I love you too, Byron.

Now stop wasting money. I'll see you tomorrow.

[LINE CLICKS]

[MACHINES HUMMING]

[BEEPING THEN MARTIAN QUACKING]

They're responding.

A message from the Martians.

-Really? -They've issued a formal apology.

This is great.

Didn't I tell you this would happen?

The Martian ambassador feels terrible and asked permission to speak to Congress.

I mean, that's good, isn't it?

You bet.

It's a great victory for our administration.

[CROWD GASPING]

[FLYING SAUCER HUMMING]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[CHATTERING]

Ladies and gentlemen.

This is a proud day for all Americans.

This is a hell of a photo op, Jerry.

Are you sure I shouldn't be there?

For some picky reason, the Secret Service don't want the executive branch...

...and the legislative branch in the same room at the same time.

The Martian ambassador is gonna say a few words.

Come on down, Mr. Ambassador.

[SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[YELLS]

Oh.

Mr. Ambassador, please!

Mr. Ambassador. What are you doing? This doesn't make sense!

It's not logical! It's not--

Guess it wasn't the dove.

Fire!

They blew up Congress.

[LAUGHS]

[SHOUTING OVER TV]

What did they do that for?

Maybe they don't liking the human being.

Hello, gentlemen.

Nice of you to come on such short notice.

General Decker, it seems I owe you an apology.

Hey, we all make mistakes, Mr. President.

Not anymore.

We're going to take charge of this thing.

Excellent, sir. I have prepared the order.

What's this?

Oh, that's your executive order authorizing full use of our nuclear deterrent, sir.

[LAUGHS]

Are you out of your mind? I'm not going to start a war.

We're already at war, sir.

We have to nuke them. We have to nuke them now!

General Decker, if you do not shut up...

...I'm going to relieve you of your command.

We have to strike now, sir.

Annihilate. Kill! Kill! Kill!

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Now...

...I want the people to know...

...that they still have two out of three branches of government working for them...

...and that ain't bad.

I want the people to know that the schools will still be open, okay?

And I want the people to know...

...that the garbage will still be carried out.

And I want a cop on every corner.

Which, incidentally...

...we would already have...

...if they had listened to me in the last election.

Jerry...

...how soon can we go on the air?

Uh....

My fellow Americans...

...it is with a heavy heart...

...that I speak to you this afternoon. As you know...

...earlier today the Martian ambassador and his confederates...

...attacked and killed many of your representatives on Capitol Hill.

I will be conferring with other world leaders as time goes on.

And rest assured that, working together...

...we will soon come out...

...at a very real outcome.

Thank you.

[MARTIANS SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

Hmm.

[BUZZING]

Oh.

Nathalie?

Nathalie, is that you?

Yes. How are you feeling?

Not terribly good, I'm afraid.

May I ask you a question?

Mm. Yes. Yes, of course you can, Nathalie.

Were you flirting with me on the show?

Because if you were...

...I just want you to know that I liked it.

Ha-ha. You did? Really?

Because, you know, I've watched you on TV quite a bit...

...and, well, I've had something of a schoolboy crush on you for...

...oh, gosh, ages.

[CHUCKLES]

Hi there. Are you interested in the White House?

I work there. I'm the press secretary.

My name's Jerry Ross.

Maybe you've heard of me?

You wouldn't believe the pressure of my job.

It's nice to see a new face.

Hey, are you doing anything?

Because if you want, I could give you a personalized tour.

Would you like that?

Hey, Mitch, it's me. Can you let me in?

Oh, hello, Mr. Ross. Sure.

We're a little nervous here, after what happened.

Exactly.

Many great men and women have passed through here.

Now we're passing through here.

Feels good, don't it?

[LAUGHS]

You're very graceful.

I like that.

[ELECTRONIC BEEP]

Come here.

We call this the Kennedy Room.

Pretty nifty, huh?

[CHUCKLES]

[CLICKS ON MUSIC]

So how's about a drink?

Ah. Getting more comfortable, I see.

Outstanding.

How's my lady doing?

[JERRY MOANING]

Oh, missy, you're hot.

But could we get that gum out of your mouth?

Oh!

My finger!

Hello? Hello, operator? Operator, this is an emergency!

Help! Please!

[BARKING]

[SCREAMS]

Don't shoot.

Don't worry, darling.

[BIRD CHIRPING]

Get down!

-Thank you, Mitch. -It's my job.

Jimmy. Aah! Jimmy.

[SCREAMS]

[YELLING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

What's happening?

They appear to be in a highly agitated state, Nathalie. And I don't know.

I honestly don't know, Nathalie.

I don't know what's going on anymore. This is frustrating.

I'm just not feeling myself. Nathalie, if only I could hold you in my arms.

Oh, Donald. I'm scared.

[CHATTERING]

Excuse me. But you said you wanted to know...

...as soon as we had an analysis of the gum.

-What is it? -It's NO2.

Highly concentrated.

Nitrogen.

So that's how it could breathe in our atmosphere.

[HUMMING IN DISTANCE]

What's that noise?

[FLYING SAUCER HUMMING]

[SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[ALL SCREAMING]

Theodore, I simply do not feel that Lincoln....

It's a full-scale invasion. Mr. President, we're gonna need to get you to safety.

[MARSHA GASPS]

Can we go this way?

Sorry, ma'am. There's a tour going through here.

TOUR GUIDE: The Blue Room is often considered...

...the most beautiful room in the White House.

In fact, it is often used by the president to receive guests.

It is furnished to represent the period of James Monroe.

[FLYING SAUCERS HUMMING]

Hey, what's that?

That is a portrait of James Monroe.

[ALL SCREAMING]

GUARD: Go, go!

[GROANING]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

-We lost Taffy. -Oh, no.

Mr. President, please. Keep moving. We have to get you to the back stairs!

[RAY GUNS BLASTING]

The Nancy Reagan chandelier.

Marsha!

Marsha!

Marsha?

What are you guys gawking at? Get that president out of here!

ART: And I personally guarantee...

...that you will get a complete return on your investment...

[RUMBLING]

...within five months.

Mr. Land, excuse me, please.

Just a second, Sheik Rakmula.

Now, even in a time of so-called intergalactic emergency...

...the people still wanna roll them bones.

Mr. Land. I believe--

Just five more minutes, Quinn.

What I would like for you gentlemen to do...

...is to view our brand-new, state-of-the-art show room.

It is out of sight.

Gentlemen.

There is no way that we can lose.

[CACKLING]

Whoa!

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

[BAND PLAYING]

[SINGING] It's not unusual to be loved by anyone

It's not unusual to have fun with anyone

But when I see you hanging about With anyone

It's not unusual to see me cry

I wanna die

I've been trying to call you all day. The flight's been canceled.

Byron, there's Martians everywhere.

[LINE DISCONNECTED]

-Hello? -Byron! Byron!

-I can't hear you! -Byron!

I gotta get to Washington.

Byron?

Byron? Byron. Do you know anyone who can fly a plane?

-Yeah, your husband, Art. -No, he's dead.

I told him this was gonna happen. I even loaded a plane with supplies.

I want to go to Tahoe, to the Tahoe caves. It's remote, the Martians won't find it.

Well, where's the plane?

Private airfield. Other side of the freeway.

-You think they'll fly to Washington, D.C.? -Why? I wanna go to Tahoe.

You'll find it happens All the time

Love would never do What you want it to

Why can't this crazy love

Be mine

[MARTIANS SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

Jesus Christ.

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Girls, get out! Get out!

Get out! Get out!

There's a Martian right behind me.

Hey, you're Tom Jones, right?

[SINGING] It ain't unusual

Tom, Tom, can I have an autograph? Anybody got a pen?

[RAY GUNS BLASTING]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

[TOKENS CLINKING]

-Hey, that was a hell of a punch. -You'd better get that gun.

-I'm Tom Jones. -Byron Williams.

Hey, I saw you fight in Cardiff, Wales once.

-Yeah? Hey, Barbara. -Yeah?

BYRON: You all right?

-I need a drink. -You and me both, baby.

-We better get out. -You know how to fly a plane?

-Sure. You got one? -She has.

[MARTIANS SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

MARTIAN: Don't run, we are your friends.

[ALL SCREAMING]

-Martians blew up the shop. -You're kidding me?

-Should I get Grandma? -Forget Grandma.

She's halfway to outer space already. Here, lock and load.

I'll tell you one thing. They ain't getting the TV.

MAN [OVER INTERCOM]: The president of France on line two.

Mr. President, the president of France is on line two.

He says it's important.

Hello, Maurice.

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

I have some good news for you. The Martian ambassador is here.

And we've negotiated a settlement.

Maurice, get out of the room. Get out now.

[GUNFIRE AND SHOUTING OVER PHONE]

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

Mr. President.

Mr. President.

I need you to sign this.

What is it?

My last will and testament?

It is an order to deploy our nuclear capability, sir.

MAN [OVER RADIO]: Three, two, one, fire.

[SPEAKS IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[SHOUTING]

What the hell was that?

[SPEAKS IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[SUCKING]

[SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[ALL SCREAMING]

[SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[SPEAKS IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Look!

[PANTING]

[RAY GUNS BLASTING]

What was that?

-Where you going? -To go get Grandma.

No, you ain't. Stay and defend this trailer.

That's what Billy Glenn would've done.

-You leave, you're disgracing a hero. -I don't care. I'm gonna go get Grandma.

-Boy! -Richie, come back here!

What in the hell is that?

Hey! Cut it out!

[GLENN SHOUTING]

SUE ANN: Stop it!

-This way. -No, this way.

[SHOUTING]

Bullshit! The airfield's over there!

Hey. Hey, just because you're dressed like King Tut...

...doesn't mean you're our leader. Look at this. This is wrong!

We're lost. He led us down a maze. I'm going back to the hotel.

-Come on, this way! -Wait!

-No, wait! Where are you going? -Come on, Barbara.

I like him. I do.

Assholes. Why did I listen to them? I should have stayed in the hotel.

Shit!

I surrender, okay?

You understand what that means? Surrender?

Lookit. You're intelligent beings.

Let's cut a deal. I can help you.

I'm a lawyer.

You want to conquer the world, you're gonna need lawyers, right?

Here.

You want my watch?

Take it. Take it. Go on. It's a Rolex.

Rolex.

-Nice shot. -Yeah, pity I was too late.

Barbara, can I have the gun back, please? Barbara, give me the gun and come on!

[CACKLING]

[MAN SCREAMS]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

[SPEAKS IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

Grandma!

[SLIM WHITMAN’S "INDIAN LOVE CALL" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[MARTIANS SCREECHING]

Oh, my God.

When I'm calling you

Richie, I think these guys are very sick.

What's happening to them? What's killing them?

I think it must be my music.

Ho! Shh! Shh.

Quiet.

[SCREAMING]

[MARTIANS CACKLING]

You think you can do anything you want.

Well, you can't.

You see, because we are human beings.

And we have the United States Army...

...that'll fight you to the last man. And we'll never surrender.

Do you hear me?

We'll fight you on the beaches. We'll fight you on the street.

We will never, never surrender.

Old Glory will win! Democracy will survive!

We will never, ever surrender!

We will win! The eagle will be triumphant!

No.

[YELLS]

[SPEAKS IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

Why are you doing this?

Why?

Isn’t the universe big enough...

...for both of us?

[PRESIDENT LAUGHS]

What is wrong with you people?

We could work together.

Why be enemies?

Because we're different?

Is that why?

Think of the things that we could do.

Think how strong we would be.

Earth...

...and Mars...

...together.

There is nothing that we could not accomplish.

Think about it.

Think about it.

Why destroy...

...when you can create?

We can have it all...

...or we can smash it all.

Why can't we work out our differences?

Why can't we work things out?

Little people...

...why can't we all just get along?

[SPEAKS IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

What's this?

[SPEAKS IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[YELLS IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[SLIM WHITMAN’S "INDIAN LOVE CALL" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

MARTIAN: Don't run. We are your friends.

Don't run. We are your friends.

[SLIM WHITMAN’S "INDIAN LOVE CALL" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[MARTIANS SCREECHING]

Next stop, radio station.

There it is.

Let's move it!

[SCREAMING]

BARBARA: Here it is.

Go get it started. Barbara, go with him.

-Okay. -Cindy, come with me.

[SLIM WHITMAN’S "INDIAN LOVE CALL" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Tom. Are you sure you can fly this?

Yeah, I think so, yeah.

[SLIM WHITMAN’S "INDIAN LOVE CALL" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Who put that on?

-It's stuck. -Cindy, over here.

[GASPS]

[WHISPERING] Shit.

They haven't seen us yet. Come here.

-Cindy. Get in the plane. -What?

I'm staying. I'll distract them.

The first chance you get, you take off.

-I'm not leaving you. -Just do it.

I'll draw them away. Now, go.

-No. -I said, go!

Oh, my God.

-What's he doing? -He must have flipped!

-He's going to throw them off. -Yeah, but we can't leave him.

No weapon. No clown outfit.

Just me!

Byron Williams...

...heavyweight champion...

...of the world.

[SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[CHANTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[GASPS]

Something's happened.

Something's happened to Byron.

[SLIM WHITMAN’S "INDIAN LOVE CALL" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[MARTIANS SCREECHING]

When I'm calling you

Will you answer too

That means I offer my love

[MARTIANS SCREECHING]

[POPPY BARKING]

Our love will come true

You belong to me

I belong to you

Goodbye, my darling. I wish things could've been different.

So do I.

Goodbye.

-I love you. -I love you too, Nathalie.

[CHIRPING]

[BAND PLAYING "STAR-SPANGLED BANNER"]

Florence Norris...

...I hereby present to you the Congressional Medal of Honor...

...the highest decoration our nation can bestow.

Thank you, honey. But don't you dare let this happen again.

TAFFY: Richard Norris...

...on behalf of my parents, who couldn't be here today...

...for saving the world from the Martians...

...I proudly present to you the Medal of Honor.

You don't have to kiss me if you don't want to.

I have to.

I prepared a speech. Is that all right?

Sure, that's very appropriate.

Hi, everybody.

First, I just want to say--

MAN: Can you speak up? We can't hear you.

Well, I want to say that there's a lot of people in the world...

...that have, like, done a lot more than I have...

...and they're the ones that should be here now getting a medal.

And I want to thank my grandma for always being so good to me...

...and for helping save the world and everything.

So I guess, like, now we just have to...

...start over and start rebuilding everything, like our houses.

But I was thinking, maybe instead of houses, we could live in tepees...

...because it's better in a lot of ways.

Okay, that's all I have to say. Thanks.

-Was that okay? -Yeah.

Do you got a girlfriend?

No.

Guys, come on. Give me a break. Go on in there and start cleaning your room.

I can't do all this by myself. Please? Look at you.

Yeah.

[ENGLISH - US - SDH]