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1
00:00:01,806 --> 00:00:03,410
What's up, Mar-lunatics?
2
00:00:03,411 --> 00:00:05,045
You know, when it comes to careers
3
00:00:05,046 --> 00:00:07,096
You gotta make sure
you follow your heart.
4
00:00:07,097 --> 00:00:09,884
See, me, I first followed my stomach.
5
00:00:09,885 --> 00:00:11,219
That's right.
6
00:00:11,220 --> 00:00:13,254
I got a job as a pizza delivery boy.
7
00:00:13,255 --> 00:00:15,389
Now, I got fired after two days
8
00:00:15,390 --> 00:00:17,325
because I broke the cardinal rule:
9
00:00:17,326 --> 00:00:20,628
Never eat pie from your own supply.
10
00:00:20,629 --> 00:00:23,579
So eventually I found my true calling:
11
00:00:23,580 --> 00:00:26,015
Making people laugh. Think about it.
12
00:00:26,016 --> 00:00:29,752
I just got paid
to talk about getting paid.
13
00:00:29,753 --> 00:00:32,021
Huh. I just bucked the system.
14
00:00:32,022 --> 00:00:34,824
I just changed the game.
I fought the power.
15
00:00:34,825 --> 00:00:36,726
Hey, DJ, hit the theme song.
16
00:00:36,727 --> 00:00:38,695
♪ Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ♪
17
00:00:38,696 --> 00:00:40,630
♪ Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ♪
18
00:00:40,631 --> 00:00:42,565
♪ Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ♪
19
00:00:42,566 --> 00:00:44,267
♪ Marlon, Marlon ♪
20
00:00:44,268 --> 00:00:46,402
♪ Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ♪
21
00:00:46,403 --> 00:00:47,769
ALL: Marlon!
22
00:00:49,139 --> 00:00:53,879
Aw, look at my little man.
So handsome.
23
00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:56,283
Do I really have to
wear this to school?
24
00:00:56,284 --> 00:00:58,517
I can't move my arms.
25
00:00:58,518 --> 00:01:01,937
Let me teach you
a little something, nephew.
26
00:01:01,938 --> 00:01:05,660
Real men wear suits. Mm-kay?
27
00:01:05,661 --> 00:01:08,437
And real ties.
28
00:01:08,438 --> 00:01:10,197
Man, people are gonna make fun of me.
29
00:01:10,198 --> 00:01:13,448
Sweetheart, nobody is gonna
make fun of you.
30
00:01:13,449 --> 00:01:17,917
- What up, fam?
- Oh, damn it.
31
00:01:17,918 --> 00:01:21,472
What in the Men's Wearhouse sale
32
00:01:21,473 --> 00:01:24,249
is this?
33
00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:28,751
Boy, you better give
Joseph A. Banks back his suit.
34
00:01:28,752 --> 00:01:33,387
Why is he dressed like he's
auditioning for a white family?
35
00:01:34,034 --> 00:01:37,758
Is somebody trying to
"Blind Side" you?
36
00:01:37,759 --> 00:01:39,315
What else am I forgetting?
37
00:01:39,316 --> 00:01:41,279
Ooh, uh, why is your son
dressed like a mortician?
38
00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:43,344
[LAUGHS]
39
00:01:43,345 --> 00:01:45,104
No, he look more like a dead body.
40
00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:46,628
[BOTH LAUGH]
41
00:01:46,629 --> 00:01:48,592
He just be sitting in the coffin
42
00:01:48,593 --> 00:01:53,227
and all the old aunties come up
and go, "Mm, he look good.
43
00:01:54,552 --> 00:01:57,090
- "He look good. He was a good"...
- Enough!
44
00:01:57,091 --> 00:01:58,546
Enough.
45
00:01:58,547 --> 00:02:01,289
Zack's school is having a career day,
46
00:02:01,290 --> 00:02:03,015
and the teachers
encouraged all the students
47
00:02:03,016 --> 00:02:06,096
- to dress like a professional.
- Professional what?
48
00:02:06,097 --> 00:02:09,380
Ventriloquist dummy? [LAUGHS]
49
00:02:09,381 --> 00:02:11,345
You look like you'd be...
should be sitting on my lap
50
00:02:11,346 --> 00:02:12,899
like this, like...
51
00:02:15,882 --> 00:02:18,285
Get off my counter.
52
00:02:18,286 --> 00:02:19,876
- Dad.
- Huh?
53
00:02:19,877 --> 00:02:23,600
Did you notice Yvette's here?
54
00:02:23,601 --> 00:02:26,850
Oh, hey there, ghetto Gollum.
55
00:02:26,851 --> 00:02:32,232
Did you ever find that ring,
my precious?
56
00:02:33,589 --> 00:02:36,941
Okay, come on, guys.
We gotta get going.
57
00:02:36,942 --> 00:02:40,292
Some of us parents have to
go in to discuss our careers.
58
00:02:40,293 --> 00:02:42,357
Ooh, career day, huh?
59
00:02:42,358 --> 00:02:44,084
Who's on the panel?
60
00:02:44,085 --> 00:02:48,180
I mean, I might get inspired.
You know, I'm in between jobs.
61
00:02:48,181 --> 00:02:50,178
Uh, brother.
62
00:02:50,179 --> 00:02:54,817
You, my friend, are in job purgatory.
63
00:02:54,818 --> 00:02:57,086
You just floating
through unemployment like,
64
00:02:57,087 --> 00:03:02,230
"Help me. Help me"
65
00:03:03,791 --> 00:03:07,514
All right, well, the panel consists of
66
00:03:07,515 --> 00:03:10,967
a loan officer,
orthodontist, a paralegal,
67
00:03:10,968 --> 00:03:12,626
and Yvette and I will be joining in
68
00:03:12,627 --> 00:03:14,454
to discuss architecture and design.
69
00:03:14,455 --> 00:03:16,248
Well, now, hold on.
70
00:03:16,249 --> 00:03:18,348
Who's there repping for
the non-traditional careers?
71
00:03:18,349 --> 00:03:21,361
You know, like the DJs
and the bucket drummers
72
00:03:21,362 --> 00:03:23,426
and the statue dude that only move
73
00:03:23,427 --> 00:03:26,945
when you give him a dollar.
[MIMICKING ROBOT NOISES]
74
00:03:28,100 --> 00:03:30,265
Son, are you cool with this?
75
00:03:30,266 --> 00:03:32,297
Man, I just wanna get through this day
76
00:03:32,298 --> 00:03:34,261
and take this suit off.
77
00:03:34,262 --> 00:03:35,582
[CHUCKLES] You gonna be saying that
78
00:03:35,583 --> 00:03:37,985
for the next 40 years, brother.
79
00:03:37,986 --> 00:03:39,373
You see that?
80
00:03:39,374 --> 00:03:41,912
The man is already sticking it to him.
81
00:03:41,913 --> 00:03:44,520
Okay, since Daddy is gonna
rant about "the man,"
82
00:03:44,521 --> 00:03:46,246
Zack and I will be in the car.
83
00:03:46,247 --> 00:03:48,583
All right, hey.
Hey, don't be blinded, sister.
84
00:03:48,584 --> 00:03:50,377
Stay woke.
85
00:03:50,378 --> 00:03:53,356
Marlon, I don't understand
why you're so upset.
86
00:03:53,357 --> 00:03:54,948
The school is just trying to put them
87
00:03:54,949 --> 00:03:56,641
on the right track for success.
88
00:03:56,642 --> 00:03:57,742
Listen to me.
89
00:03:58,369 --> 00:03:59,620
I don't want them
putting my son in a box.
90
00:03:59,621 --> 00:04:02,328
Okay, so you know what?
I don't have time for this
91
00:04:02,329 --> 00:04:06,121
but let's just agree to disagree.
92
00:04:06,122 --> 00:04:08,660
Agree to disagree.
93
00:04:08,661 --> 00:04:11,335
That's what people say
when they know I'm right.
94
00:04:11,336 --> 00:04:13,705
I get it a lot.
95
00:04:13,706 --> 00:04:16,786
And Marlon's going to reveal
his plan in three, two, one...
96
00:04:16,787 --> 00:04:19,934
Stevie. We're gonna crash career day.
97
00:04:19,935 --> 00:04:21,357
What? No way.
98
00:04:21,358 --> 00:04:23,622
I did not see that coming.
99
00:04:28,094 --> 00:04:30,802
So between my architectural degree
100
00:04:30,803 --> 00:04:31,954
and flair for design...
101
00:04:31,955 --> 00:04:35,479
And my business degree
and flair for being fly...
102
00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:37,950
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- We've managed to sustain
103
00:04:37,951 --> 00:04:41,438
a successful business
for the last nine years!
104
00:04:41,439 --> 00:04:44,417
How's that for a career?
105
00:04:44,418 --> 00:04:48,037
[LIGHT APPLAUSE]
106
00:04:49,361 --> 00:04:52,475
Spoiled rotten bastards.
Pick your head up, Ashley.
107
00:04:52,476 --> 00:04:54,167
We did good.
108
00:04:54,168 --> 00:04:56,335
Thank you, Ms. Brown, Ms. Wayne,
109
00:04:56,336 --> 00:04:58,265
and thank you to all of the parents
110
00:04:58,266 --> 00:05:00,160
who came to talk to us today.
111
00:05:00,161 --> 00:05:02,971
[CHICAGO BULLS THEME SONG PLAYS]
112
00:05:02,972 --> 00:05:06,695
Ah, damn it.
113
00:05:06,696 --> 00:05:10,115
And now, from the PJs of New York,
114
00:05:10,116 --> 00:05:14,008
Standing at 6'3",
6'2" with the hair loss,
115
00:05:14,009 --> 00:05:17,462
social media influencer
and all around dope dude,
116
00:05:17,463 --> 00:05:22,301
Marlon Wayne!
117
00:05:24,201 --> 00:05:27,176
[APPLAUSE]
118
00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:32,661
[GRUNTS]
119
00:05:40,147 --> 00:05:42,547
[COUGHS]
120
00:05:45,293 --> 00:05:47,798
Now, kids.
121
00:05:47,799 --> 00:05:50,473
Please give it up
for your opening acts.
122
00:05:50,474 --> 00:05:52,132
[LIGHT APPLAUSE]
123
00:05:52,133 --> 00:05:54,332
Give it up for the paralegal.
124
00:05:54,333 --> 00:05:56,668
She was too damn lazy
to go to law school.
125
00:05:56,669 --> 00:05:58,565
[LAUGHS]
126
00:05:58,566 --> 00:06:00,528
Now...
127
00:06:00,529 --> 00:06:02,864
traditional jobs are cool...
128
00:06:02,865 --> 00:06:04,219
but...
129
00:06:04,220 --> 00:06:08,112
they take a piece of your soul.
130
00:06:08,113 --> 00:06:13,056
The brutal grind of 9 to 5, every day.
131
00:06:13,057 --> 00:06:16,306
You need a drink after work
to calm you down.
132
00:06:16,307 --> 00:06:19,320
So you go down
to the little watering hole,
133
00:06:19,321 --> 00:06:21,317
and there's a bunch
of miserable people
134
00:06:21,318 --> 00:06:24,906
sitting at the bar
and they drunk and plastered.
135
00:06:24,907 --> 00:06:27,140
And then you go to your bartender,
136
00:06:27,141 --> 00:06:29,138
Bartender Nicky, and she just
gives you the bottle...
137
00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:31,068
[HISSES] She slides it down
138
00:06:31,069 --> 00:06:32,320
and you grab it
139
00:06:32,321 --> 00:06:34,318
and you drink it all the way down
140
00:06:34,319 --> 00:06:39,227
till it makes that "boop" noise
when you put it back down.
141
00:06:39,228 --> 00:06:42,071
And now you're a little intoxicated
142
00:06:42,072 --> 00:06:44,306
and your friend says,
"Hey, you wanna drive?
143
00:06:44,307 --> 00:06:47,150
Let me get your keys."
And you go, "No."
144
00:06:47,151 --> 00:06:50,299
So your friend takes your keys
and she throws them... ching!
145
00:06:50,300 --> 00:06:51,413
Did I say "she"?
146
00:06:52,298 --> 00:06:55,851
Yes, you had your mistress
meet you down there.
147
00:06:55,852 --> 00:06:57,849
So they call you an Uber,
148
00:06:57,850 --> 00:06:59,745
but she don't call you a UberX,
149
00:06:59,746 --> 00:07:01,302
she called you a Uber Pool.
150
00:07:01,303 --> 00:07:04,146
So you sitting in the pool
full of four people
151
00:07:04,147 --> 00:07:07,092
and you drunk and you throw up
on some person's lap.
152
00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:08,988
Meanwhile, some dude is hitting on you
153
00:07:08,989 --> 00:07:10,580
and it gets weird,
154
00:07:10,581 --> 00:07:13,559
and then they push you
out the car on your lawn
155
00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:16,809
and your family don't find you
till the next morning
156
00:07:16,810 --> 00:07:18,875
when they're on the way to school
157
00:07:18,876 --> 00:07:20,737
and the sprinklers are on
158
00:07:20,738 --> 00:07:25,104
and the dog is sniffing your ass.
159
00:07:25,105 --> 00:07:29,201
Is that a life you wanna live? Not me.
160
00:07:29,202 --> 00:07:32,011
I'm here to tell you about
161
00:07:32,012 --> 00:07:34,517
non-traditional jobs.
162
00:07:34,518 --> 00:07:36,819
- Wonderful.
- Mm-hmm.
163
00:07:36,820 --> 00:07:39,087
Why don't you tell us what you do?
164
00:07:39,088 --> 00:07:41,999
Girl, I think different.
165
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,674
Like Steve Jobs.
166
00:07:44,675 --> 00:07:46,908
Martin Luther King Jr.
167
00:07:46,909 --> 00:07:50,328
Jesus Christ.
168
00:07:50,329 --> 00:07:54,391
The little dude
that made up this dance.
169
00:07:54,392 --> 00:07:58,927
You know, we all thunk
outside the box.
170
00:07:58,928 --> 00:08:01,163
You know why? Because nothing good
171
00:08:01,164 --> 00:08:03,499
has ever come out of a box.
172
00:08:03,500 --> 00:08:05,123
What about Playstation?
173
00:08:05,124 --> 00:08:09,388
Hey, man. This ain't a duet.
174
00:08:10,779 --> 00:08:13,046
See, guys, there's a whole world
175
00:08:13,047 --> 00:08:16,939
of alternative careers
just waiting for all of you.
176
00:08:16,940 --> 00:08:20,191
Like a gamer. A magician.
177
00:08:20,192 --> 00:08:21,850
A doula.
178
00:08:21,851 --> 00:08:24,422
Mr. Wayne, I'm confused.
179
00:08:24,423 --> 00:08:26,691
Uh, Stevie told me to say doula.
180
00:08:26,692 --> 00:08:29,535
I don't know
what the hell it is either.
181
00:08:29,536 --> 00:08:32,345
No, I'm just not sure that it's clear
182
00:08:32,346 --> 00:08:35,290
what it is that you actually do.
183
00:08:35,291 --> 00:08:40,638
Oh. I... I follow my heart.
184
00:08:41,352 --> 00:08:45,516
I make people laugh for a living,
185
00:08:45,517 --> 00:08:48,360
and I drive a Range Rover.
186
00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:52,253
With rims and butt-heaters.
My dad is ballin'!
187
00:08:52,254 --> 00:08:54,353
Wonderful. Wonderful.
188
00:08:54,354 --> 00:08:57,535
And I'm sure that
the foundation and structure
189
00:08:57,536 --> 00:09:01,022
that you learned in school
has been very beneficial
190
00:09:01,023 --> 00:09:03,697
to your career.
191
00:09:03,698 --> 00:09:05,864
Nah.
192
00:09:05,865 --> 00:09:07,692
Yeah, you don't need none of that.
193
00:09:07,693 --> 00:09:09,385
Listen, guys, I'm my own boss.
194
00:09:09,386 --> 00:09:11,890
I wake up when I want 'cause this way,
195
00:09:11,891 --> 00:09:13,482
if the dope sneakers come in,
196
00:09:13,483 --> 00:09:16,563
I could be first in line
to get 'em and guess what?
197
00:09:16,564 --> 00:09:18,425
Bow! Got 'em.
198
00:09:18,426 --> 00:09:20,762
You jealous? You should be.
199
00:09:20,763 --> 00:09:22,047
Sneakers also come in a box.
200
00:09:22,048 --> 00:09:23,706
Hey, man, you about to come in a box
201
00:09:23,707 --> 00:09:25,942
- if you keep on interrupting me.
- Mr. Wayne, Mr. Wayne.
202
00:09:25,943 --> 00:09:27,228
Nah, let little boy...
203
00:09:27,229 --> 00:09:28,785
Nah, little boy got something to say.
204
00:09:28,786 --> 00:09:31,054
You got something to say?
205
00:09:31,055 --> 00:09:33,966
All right, so anyway, in summation...
206
00:09:33,967 --> 00:09:37,554
I would like to say to all of you...
207
00:09:37,555 --> 00:09:41,076
I want you all to follow your heart...
208
00:09:41,077 --> 00:09:44,732
and, as God is my witness,
209
00:09:44,733 --> 00:09:50,147
you will never have to work
a day in your life.
210
00:09:50,827 --> 00:09:53,668
[APPLAUSE]
211
00:09:54,890 --> 00:09:57,801
Stevie, hit me with that dope outtro.
212
00:09:57,802 --> 00:10:00,950
["IT'S RAINING MEN"
BY THE WEATHER GIRLS PLAYS]
213
00:10:00,951 --> 00:10:04,606
Sorry, it's my workout playlist.
214
00:10:04,607 --> 00:10:10,495
♪ ♪
215
00:10:11,819 --> 00:10:16,795
See, I told you we should
have used some damn music.
216
00:10:16,796 --> 00:10:18,319
- Ooh.
- You killed it, champ.
217
00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:20,587
Your boy did that. [LAUGHS]
218
00:10:20,588 --> 00:10:22,822
Ah, they couldn't touch me in there.
219
00:10:22,823 --> 00:10:25,056
I dare you to find me one person
220
00:10:25,057 --> 00:10:28,676
that could be mad
at that career day speech.
221
00:10:31,897 --> 00:10:34,601
Found some.
222
00:10:40,618 --> 00:10:42,176
Do they look mad to you?
223
00:10:42,177 --> 00:10:44,342
Perturbed.
224
00:10:44,343 --> 00:10:48,063
This looks like
a meeting of All Lives Matter.
225
00:10:49,963 --> 00:10:52,265
Uh, Ash.
226
00:10:52,266 --> 00:10:54,059
When you hit me to come over
227
00:10:54,060 --> 00:10:58,562
you didn't tell me it was for
the worst swingers party ever.
228
00:10:58,563 --> 00:11:00,782
Ah, man. By the looks of it,
229
00:11:00,783 --> 00:11:02,441
I'm gonna be doing
all the heavy lifting.
230
00:11:02,442 --> 00:11:04,134
All right, let's get to it y'all.
231
00:11:04,135 --> 00:11:05,894
Okay, Marlon.
232
00:11:05,895 --> 00:11:07,317
- Listen.
- Hmm?
233
00:11:07,318 --> 00:11:10,635
Your career day speech
did not go over very well.
234
00:11:10,636 --> 00:11:12,429
Marlon, there are
a lot of white people here,
235
00:11:12,430 --> 00:11:14,562
allow me to translate.
236
00:11:14,563 --> 00:11:16,628
Hey, guys. [CHUCKLES]
237
00:11:16,629 --> 00:11:18,523
Rest assured we've got some Pinkberry
238
00:11:18,524 --> 00:11:22,180
and some charcuterie on the way.
239
00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:24,584
We're gonna
let our dogs inside the house
240
00:11:24,585 --> 00:11:26,751
and we're gonna
let them kiss us on the mouth.
241
00:11:26,752 --> 00:11:28,410
So...
242
00:11:28,411 --> 00:11:33,554
so just rest assured
it's gonna be amaze-balls.
243
00:11:34,877 --> 00:11:36,637
That little speech of yours
244
00:11:36,638 --> 00:11:38,804
has ruined our children's lives.
245
00:11:38,805 --> 00:11:41,140
Tanner wants to be
a street artist now.
246
00:11:41,141 --> 00:11:46,117
Last night, he tagged the gate
in our gated community with...
247
00:11:46,118 --> 00:11:49,638
a pecker.
248
00:11:49,639 --> 00:11:50,823
Aw.
249
00:11:50,824 --> 00:11:53,701
Well, kudos to him for being creative
250
00:11:53,702 --> 00:11:58,405
and kudos to you for
bringing back the word pecker.
251
00:11:59,763 --> 00:12:02,708
Rebecca suddenly believes
she's a designer.
252
00:12:02,709 --> 00:12:07,312
She said I had no swag and then
threw away most of my clothes.
253
00:12:07,313 --> 00:12:10,495
She must have forgot
them khakis you got on.
254
00:12:10,496 --> 00:12:12,357
And them ugly-ass caramel shoes.
255
00:12:12,358 --> 00:12:13,711
They look like someone put some laces
256
00:12:13,712 --> 00:12:16,721
in some Werther's candy. [LAUGHS]
257
00:12:18,756 --> 00:12:22,412
Marlon. Gabe's mother is concerned
258
00:12:22,413 --> 00:12:24,173
because he's abandoned his dream
259
00:12:24,174 --> 00:12:26,306
- of being a veterinarian.
- Yeah.
260
00:12:26,307 --> 00:12:29,489
He says he's in the rap game now.
261
00:12:29,490 --> 00:12:31,655
♪ Yo, yo, yo, I slung some rocks ♪
262
00:12:31,656 --> 00:12:33,484
♪ And my stacks getting bigger ♪
263
00:12:33,485 --> 00:12:35,650
♪ But life ain't easy
for this 4-foot... ♪
264
00:12:35,651 --> 00:12:38,932
- [ALL YELL]
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
265
00:12:42,254 --> 00:12:43,675
You're gonna go back to that class
266
00:12:43,676 --> 00:12:45,097
and tell them you were wrong.
267
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:49,563
You gonna take
the bass out your voice.
268
00:12:51,158 --> 00:12:55,929
Don't look at me
for the rest of the night.
269
00:13:02,941 --> 00:13:04,599
Now...
270
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,562
I don't see what the problem is.
271
00:13:06,563 --> 00:13:08,383
The problem is
they all wanna be like you.
272
00:13:09,949 --> 00:13:11,607
Well, congratulations.
273
00:13:11,608 --> 00:13:15,196
Every parent should want
their kid to be like me.
274
00:13:15,197 --> 00:13:18,244
Right, Ash?
275
00:13:18,245 --> 00:13:22,507
Well...
276
00:13:24,169 --> 00:13:26,572
All right. Everybody out.
277
00:13:26,573 --> 00:13:28,943
Come on. Come on, y'all.
278
00:13:28,944 --> 00:13:30,296
Start up them minivans
279
00:13:30,297 --> 00:13:32,057
and let's get the hell up out of here.
280
00:13:32,058 --> 00:13:33,411
Come on.
281
00:13:33,412 --> 00:13:35,240
And, no, you cannot use the bathroom.
282
00:13:35,241 --> 00:13:37,880
You're a grown ass man,
use your kegels.
283
00:13:37,881 --> 00:13:41,368
[HIP HOP MUSIC]
284
00:13:41,369 --> 00:13:42,824
Marlon, let me explain.
285
00:13:42,825 --> 00:13:44,822
Nah, you don't
have to explain nothing.
286
00:13:44,823 --> 00:13:47,598
Apparently, I ain't nothing.
My daddy ain't nothing.
287
00:13:47,599 --> 00:13:49,798
My granddaddy ain't nothing.
288
00:13:49,799 --> 00:13:51,965
The man who picked
my great-great-granddaddy
289
00:13:51,966 --> 00:13:55,825
from the slave auction,
he ain't nothing.
290
00:13:55,826 --> 00:13:57,789
The porter on the slave ship
that said,
291
00:13:57,790 --> 00:13:59,888
"We got room for one more."
He ain't nothing.
292
00:13:59,889 --> 00:14:02,664
Okay!
293
00:14:02,665 --> 00:14:04,222
Marlon, I didn't say any of that.
294
00:14:04,223 --> 00:14:07,065
I was paraphrasing.
295
00:14:07,066 --> 00:14:08,488
I just don't want Zack
296
00:14:08,489 --> 00:14:10,993
to have the same struggles as us.
297
00:14:10,994 --> 00:14:12,787
Don't you remember
when you were starting
298
00:14:12,788 --> 00:14:16,241
your YouTube career
how hard it was for us?
299
00:14:16,242 --> 00:14:18,949
You left your stable job
at the airport
300
00:14:18,950 --> 00:14:21,184
to make fart videos.
301
00:14:21,185 --> 00:14:25,518
They were trending at the time.
302
00:14:25,519 --> 00:14:27,990
That was really scary for me.
303
00:14:27,991 --> 00:14:29,276
I know but...
304
00:14:29,277 --> 00:14:31,409
remember when I got
that first big check
305
00:14:31,410 --> 00:14:33,474
and we made it rain on those bills?
306
00:14:33,475 --> 00:14:35,811
We was like, "Ah, take that rent.
307
00:14:35,812 --> 00:14:40,652
Ah, on your ass, gas. Ah."
308
00:14:40,653 --> 00:14:42,718
Yeah and then there was a drought
309
00:14:42,719 --> 00:14:44,309
before you got your next check.
310
00:14:44,310 --> 00:14:46,138
It was nine months.
311
00:14:46,139 --> 00:14:47,593
I just don't want our kids
312
00:14:47,594 --> 00:14:49,455
to have that kind of instability
313
00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:52,096
and neither do those parents.
314
00:14:52,097 --> 00:14:56,565
Okay, if it was scary
for you, then why'd you stay?
315
00:14:56,566 --> 00:14:58,867
Because I believed in you...
316
00:14:58,868 --> 00:15:02,220
and I saw how hard you were working.
317
00:15:02,221 --> 00:15:03,608
And...
318
00:15:03,609 --> 00:15:06,620
you don't think
our son will do that too?
319
00:15:06,621 --> 00:15:08,517
Zack, can you come down here a minute?
320
00:15:08,518 --> 00:15:09,973
Why you be bringing
the babies into this?
321
00:15:09,974 --> 00:15:11,426
Damn.
322
00:15:13,088 --> 00:15:14,645
Zack, can you tell your daddy
323
00:15:14,646 --> 00:15:16,541
why you didn't want to do
your homework last night?
324
00:15:16,542 --> 00:15:18,064
My heart doesn't
want to follow fractions.
325
00:15:18,065 --> 00:15:20,909
- I don't need them.
- Yeah, he's right.
326
00:15:20,910 --> 00:15:24,802
3/8 of all the people I know
don't even use fractions.
327
00:15:24,803 --> 00:15:28,256
Zack, can you tell your dad
why you don't need them?
328
00:15:28,257 --> 00:15:31,574
Because I'm gonna be
a famous YouTube star like Dad.
329
00:15:31,575 --> 00:15:35,366
Yeah, I'm never gonna work hard
a day in my life.
330
00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:37,194
Hey, bud, wait...
331
00:15:37,195 --> 00:15:39,260
I never said that.
332
00:15:39,261 --> 00:15:41,392
But that's what Zack heard.
333
00:15:41,393 --> 00:15:45,049
That's what they all heard.
334
00:15:45,050 --> 00:15:47,148
All right, fine.
335
00:15:47,149 --> 00:15:50,398
- I'll fix it.
- Thank you.
336
00:15:50,399 --> 00:15:53,378
But for the record...
337
00:15:53,379 --> 00:15:56,256
I told you
we should stop after Marley.
338
00:15:56,257 --> 00:15:58,422
♪ ♪
339
00:15:58,423 --> 00:16:01,199
All right, my little YouTube star.
340
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,095
- Ready to do what daddy does?
- Let's do it.
341
00:16:03,096 --> 00:16:05,093
All right, well,
the first thing we have to do
342
00:16:05,094 --> 00:16:07,564
is we have to have
a brain-storming session.
343
00:16:07,565 --> 00:16:09,392
Okay, that's where
we figure out some ideas.
344
00:16:09,393 --> 00:16:10,916
So what do you got?
345
00:16:10,917 --> 00:16:12,846
I was thinking I'd do
one of my characters.
346
00:16:12,847 --> 00:16:16,636
- Oh, okay.
- You know, this guy.
347
00:16:18,365 --> 00:16:20,904
You know what... this is my bad.
348
00:16:20,905 --> 00:16:23,376
See, there was this one time
when you was a baby
349
00:16:23,377 --> 00:16:25,948
I dropped you five times.
350
00:16:25,949 --> 00:16:27,235
Come on, son.
351
00:16:27,236 --> 00:16:29,063
We gotta think bigger, baby. Come on.
352
00:16:29,064 --> 00:16:30,418
Well, what do you do, Dad?
353
00:16:30,419 --> 00:16:32,483
Well, me, I do "The Marlon Way."
354
00:16:32,484 --> 00:16:35,395
That's where I riff on various topics.
355
00:16:35,396 --> 00:16:37,698
I wanna do a cool version of that.
356
00:16:37,699 --> 00:16:40,542
Says the dude that looks like
a nappy metronome.
357
00:16:40,543 --> 00:16:42,234
Dad, you're doing it wrong, it's...
358
00:16:42,235 --> 00:16:43,825
Welcome to "The Zack Attack",
359
00:16:43,826 --> 00:16:46,906
where Zack attacks things
that everybody hates.
360
00:16:46,907 --> 00:16:48,937
Now, the problem
with mac and cheese is...
361
00:16:48,938 --> 00:16:51,579
Hold up, hold up, hold up,
hold up, hold up, hold up,
362
00:16:51,580 --> 00:16:53,780
hold up, hold up.
363
00:16:53,781 --> 00:16:58,248
Are you throwing shade
at mac and cheese?
364
00:16:58,249 --> 00:16:59,773
Why don't you just make a video
365
00:16:59,774 --> 00:17:01,601
of you punching a kitten
in the throat?
366
00:17:01,602 --> 00:17:02,955
Now, come on.
367
00:17:02,956 --> 00:17:05,596
Pick a topic that
the audience can get behind.
368
00:17:05,597 --> 00:17:09,286
The thing about mac and cheese...
369
00:17:09,287 --> 00:17:12,638
- Black Panther.
- All right, now we talking.
370
00:17:12,639 --> 00:17:15,076
- Was overrated.
- Whoa, hey.
371
00:17:15,077 --> 00:17:16,328
Hey, man.
372
00:17:16,329 --> 00:17:17,988
Ain't nobody trying to hear that.
373
00:17:17,989 --> 00:17:21,441
You trying to get us
kicked out the race?
374
00:17:21,442 --> 00:17:23,947
- Natural hair.
- Hey, man.
375
00:17:23,948 --> 00:17:26,283
You trying to get us
beat up by the sisters?
376
00:17:26,284 --> 00:17:28,281
Weaves are our friends.
377
00:17:28,282 --> 00:17:30,244
Weave them alone.
378
00:17:30,245 --> 00:17:32,174
God. Say, Jack.
379
00:17:32,175 --> 00:17:35,288
You trying to get us killed? Sorry.
380
00:17:35,289 --> 00:17:36,880
Beyoncé.
381
00:17:36,881 --> 00:17:39,148
I'd rather you talk about God.
382
00:17:39,149 --> 00:17:41,316
[WHIMPERING]
383
00:17:41,317 --> 00:17:44,125
Jay-Z plus Beyoncé.
That's the illuminati.
384
00:17:44,126 --> 00:17:45,379
[WHIMPERING]
385
00:17:45,380 --> 00:17:47,206
these Bey-hive people are crazy.
386
00:17:47,207 --> 00:17:49,644
[WHIMPERING]
387
00:17:49,645 --> 00:17:52,454
I hear copters.
They flying Solange in.
388
00:17:52,455 --> 00:17:54,077
Ah!
389
00:17:59,143 --> 00:18:01,958
Dad. We've been at this all day.
390
00:18:01,959 --> 00:18:03,657
I tried like a zillion topics
391
00:18:03,658 --> 00:18:05,146
and you shot down every one of them.
392
00:18:05,147 --> 00:18:08,396
Son, I can't have you
out here talking about
393
00:18:08,397 --> 00:18:10,935
Forest Whitaker's eye like that, man.
394
00:18:10,936 --> 00:18:13,441
I mean, geez,
this brother won an Oscar.
395
00:18:13,442 --> 00:18:16,150
Put some respect on his name.
396
00:18:16,151 --> 00:18:18,215
Now, look, son. Okay?
397
00:18:18,216 --> 00:18:21,770
It took me about
ten zillion different topics
398
00:18:21,771 --> 00:18:23,293
before I found one that worked.
399
00:18:23,294 --> 00:18:26,341
So we're just gonna
keep working at it.
400
00:18:26,342 --> 00:18:28,676
- Well, I quit.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.
401
00:18:28,677 --> 00:18:30,641
Whoa.
402
00:18:30,642 --> 00:18:33,180
We don't quit in this family.
403
00:18:33,181 --> 00:18:35,110
That's a four letter word
we don't say.
404
00:18:35,111 --> 00:18:37,176
We don't say quit
and we don't sat can't.
405
00:18:37,177 --> 00:18:40,426
Everything else is for the taking.
406
00:18:40,427 --> 00:18:42,389
Now, when I started, I couldn't quit.
407
00:18:42,390 --> 00:18:46,622
You know why? Because I had a family.
408
00:18:46,623 --> 00:18:49,599
And I had this
beautiful little baby boy...
409
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:51,787
who needed expensive formula
410
00:18:51,788 --> 00:18:55,512
because even though he had
perfectly good breast milk...
411
00:18:55,513 --> 00:18:57,713
he couldn't latch on.
412
00:18:57,714 --> 00:19:00,338
Now, you got that
from your mother's side.
413
00:19:00,339 --> 00:19:03,690
Dad, you said that I wouldn't
have to work a day in my life.
414
00:19:03,691 --> 00:19:06,026
Son.
415
00:19:06,027 --> 00:19:08,701
What I meant was...
416
00:19:08,702 --> 00:19:10,563
if you follow your heart...
417
00:19:10,564 --> 00:19:13,137
and you find something
that you love...
418
00:19:13,138 --> 00:19:17,468
it won't feel like work.
419
00:19:20,585 --> 00:19:24,606
And that's all I was trying to
say to you guys the other day.
420
00:19:24,607 --> 00:19:26,884
See, I left you all
with the impression
421
00:19:26,885 --> 00:19:31,791
that non-traditional careers
don't require hard work.
422
00:19:32,371 --> 00:19:34,604
That's not true. But...
423
00:19:34,605 --> 00:19:37,312
if you do something that you love,
424
00:19:37,313 --> 00:19:41,274
it won't feel like work.
425
00:19:41,275 --> 00:19:45,537
So, in closing, I'd like to
say, stay in school...
426
00:19:46,895 --> 00:19:49,467
Stranger danger...
427
00:19:49,468 --> 00:19:54,341
only you can prevent forest fires...
428
00:19:56,713 --> 00:20:01,112
And don't do some drugs.
429
00:20:02,842 --> 00:20:05,380
Anything else? We cool?
430
00:20:05,381 --> 00:20:07,141
Uh, that's the best y'all gonna get.
431
00:20:07,142 --> 00:20:09,139
Mm-hmm.
432
00:20:09,140 --> 00:20:10,560
- [LIGHT APPLAUSE]
- Thank you.
433
00:20:10,561 --> 00:20:13,506
Stevie, hit me with that
dope ass outtro music.
434
00:20:13,507 --> 00:20:16,214
["I DON'T WANT TO WAIT"
BY PAULA COLE PLAYS]
435
00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:18,508
♪ For our lives to be over ♪
436
00:20:18,509 --> 00:20:23,586
♪ I want to know right now
what will it be ♪
437
00:20:23,587 --> 00:20:28,665
♪ I don't want to wait
for our lives to be over ♪
438
00:20:28,666 --> 00:20:31,475
♪ I want to know right now
what will it be ♪
439
00:20:31,476 --> 00:20:34,691
I don't even wanna know. Okay?
440
00:20:34,692 --> 00:20:38,656
So did I miss my calling as
a motivational speaker or what?
441
00:20:38,657 --> 00:20:41,128
That or a fireman
who only puts out fires
442
00:20:41,129 --> 00:20:43,747
he started himself. [BOTH LAUGH]
443
00:20:43,748 --> 00:20:45,406
You know, I realized something.
444
00:20:45,407 --> 00:20:48,962
When I first started
chasing my dreams...
445
00:20:48,963 --> 00:20:51,667
it must have been
really scary for you.
446
00:20:53,093 --> 00:20:55,225
But for me it wasn't.
447
00:20:55,226 --> 00:20:59,187
It was the first time
in my professional life...
448
00:20:59,188 --> 00:21:02,335
that I just felt alive.
449
00:21:02,336 --> 00:21:04,536
And that's what I want for those kids.
450
00:21:04,537 --> 00:21:07,075
And that's what I want for our kids.
451
00:21:07,076 --> 00:21:08,768
I get that.
452
00:21:08,769 --> 00:21:12,493
And for the record, Marlon...
453
00:21:12,494 --> 00:21:16,146
I'd be thrilled
if Zack turned out like you.
454
00:21:17,504 --> 00:21:18,993
- Hey.
- Hmm?
455
00:21:18,994 --> 00:21:21,465
- Can I ask you a question?
- Of course.
456
00:21:21,466 --> 00:21:23,868
Is Miss Frye staring
at my booty right now?
457
00:21:23,869 --> 00:21:27,694
- Marlon.
- Just look.
458
00:21:27,695 --> 00:21:30,166
Actually... yeah, she is.
459
00:21:30,167 --> 00:21:32,333
Girl, I knew it. My ass is hot.
460
00:21:32,334 --> 00:21:34,768
[LAUGHS]
461
00:21:34,987 --> 00:21:41,791
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