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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,806 --> 00:00:03,410 What's up, Mar-lunatics? 2 00:00:03,411 --> 00:00:05,045 You know, when it comes to careers 3 00:00:05,046 --> 00:00:07,096 You gotta make sure you follow your heart. 4 00:00:07,097 --> 00:00:09,884 See, me, I first followed my stomach. 5 00:00:09,885 --> 00:00:11,219 That's right. 6 00:00:11,220 --> 00:00:13,254 I got a job as a pizza delivery boy. 7 00:00:13,255 --> 00:00:15,389 Now, I got fired after two days 8 00:00:15,390 --> 00:00:17,325 because I broke the cardinal rule: 9 00:00:17,326 --> 00:00:20,628 Never eat pie from your own supply. 10 00:00:20,629 --> 00:00:23,579 So eventually I found my true calling: 11 00:00:23,580 --> 00:00:26,015 Making people laugh. Think about it. 12 00:00:26,016 --> 00:00:29,752 I just got paid to talk about getting paid. 13 00:00:29,753 --> 00:00:32,021 Huh. I just bucked the system. 14 00:00:32,022 --> 00:00:34,824 I just changed the game. I fought the power. 15 00:00:34,825 --> 00:00:36,726 Hey, DJ, hit the theme song. 16 00:00:36,727 --> 00:00:38,695 ♪ Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ♪ 17 00:00:38,696 --> 00:00:40,630 ♪ Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ♪ 18 00:00:40,631 --> 00:00:42,565 ♪ Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ♪ 19 00:00:42,566 --> 00:00:44,267 ♪ Marlon, Marlon ♪ 20 00:00:44,268 --> 00:00:46,402 ♪ Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, Marlon ♪ 21 00:00:46,403 --> 00:00:47,769 ALL: Marlon! 22 00:00:49,139 --> 00:00:53,879 Aw, look at my little man. So handsome. 23 00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:56,283 Do I really have to wear this to school? 24 00:00:56,284 --> 00:00:58,517 I can't move my arms. 25 00:00:58,518 --> 00:01:01,937 Let me teach you a little something, nephew. 26 00:01:01,938 --> 00:01:05,660 Real men wear suits. Mm-kay? 27 00:01:05,661 --> 00:01:08,437 And real ties. 28 00:01:08,438 --> 00:01:10,197 Man, people are gonna make fun of me. 29 00:01:10,198 --> 00:01:13,448 Sweetheart, nobody is gonna make fun of you. 30 00:01:13,449 --> 00:01:17,917 - What up, fam? - Oh, damn it. 31 00:01:17,918 --> 00:01:21,472 What in the Men's Wearhouse sale 32 00:01:21,473 --> 00:01:24,249 is this? 33 00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:28,751 Boy, you better give Joseph A. Banks back his suit. 34 00:01:28,752 --> 00:01:33,387 Why is he dressed like he's auditioning for a white family? 35 00:01:34,034 --> 00:01:37,758 Is somebody trying to "Blind Side" you? 36 00:01:37,759 --> 00:01:39,315 What else am I forgetting? 37 00:01:39,316 --> 00:01:41,279 Ooh, uh, why is your son dressed like a mortician? 38 00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:43,344 [LAUGHS] 39 00:01:43,345 --> 00:01:45,104 No, he look more like a dead body. 40 00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:46,628 [BOTH LAUGH] 41 00:01:46,629 --> 00:01:48,592 He just be sitting in the coffin 42 00:01:48,593 --> 00:01:53,227 and all the old aunties come up and go, "Mm, he look good. 43 00:01:54,552 --> 00:01:57,090 - "He look good. He was a good"... - Enough! 44 00:01:57,091 --> 00:01:58,546 Enough. 45 00:01:58,547 --> 00:02:01,289 Zack's school is having a career day, 46 00:02:01,290 --> 00:02:03,015 and the teachers encouraged all the students 47 00:02:03,016 --> 00:02:06,096 - to dress like a professional. - Professional what? 48 00:02:06,097 --> 00:02:09,380 Ventriloquist dummy? [LAUGHS] 49 00:02:09,381 --> 00:02:11,345 You look like you'd be... should be sitting on my lap 50 00:02:11,346 --> 00:02:12,899 like this, like... 51 00:02:15,882 --> 00:02:18,285 Get off my counter. 52 00:02:18,286 --> 00:02:19,876 - Dad. - Huh? 53 00:02:19,877 --> 00:02:23,600 Did you notice Yvette's here? 54 00:02:23,601 --> 00:02:26,850 Oh, hey there, ghetto Gollum. 55 00:02:26,851 --> 00:02:32,232 Did you ever find that ring, my precious? 56 00:02:33,589 --> 00:02:36,941 Okay, come on, guys. We gotta get going. 57 00:02:36,942 --> 00:02:40,292 Some of us parents have to go in to discuss our careers. 58 00:02:40,293 --> 00:02:42,357 Ooh, career day, huh? 59 00:02:42,358 --> 00:02:44,084 Who's on the panel? 60 00:02:44,085 --> 00:02:48,180 I mean, I might get inspired. You know, I'm in between jobs. 61 00:02:48,181 --> 00:02:50,178 Uh, brother. 62 00:02:50,179 --> 00:02:54,817 You, my friend, are in job purgatory. 63 00:02:54,818 --> 00:02:57,086 You just floating through unemployment like, 64 00:02:57,087 --> 00:03:02,230 "Help me. Help me" 65 00:03:03,791 --> 00:03:07,514 All right, well, the panel consists of 66 00:03:07,515 --> 00:03:10,967 a loan officer, orthodontist, a paralegal, 67 00:03:10,968 --> 00:03:12,626 and Yvette and I will be joining in 68 00:03:12,627 --> 00:03:14,454 to discuss architecture and design. 69 00:03:14,455 --> 00:03:16,248 Well, now, hold on. 70 00:03:16,249 --> 00:03:18,348 Who's there repping for the non-traditional careers? 71 00:03:18,349 --> 00:03:21,361 You know, like the DJs and the bucket drummers 72 00:03:21,362 --> 00:03:23,426 and the statue dude that only move 73 00:03:23,427 --> 00:03:26,945 when you give him a dollar. [MIMICKING ROBOT NOISES] 74 00:03:28,100 --> 00:03:30,265 Son, are you cool with this? 75 00:03:30,266 --> 00:03:32,297 Man, I just wanna get through this day 76 00:03:32,298 --> 00:03:34,261 and take this suit off. 77 00:03:34,262 --> 00:03:35,582 [CHUCKLES] You gonna be saying that 78 00:03:35,583 --> 00:03:37,985 for the next 40 years, brother. 79 00:03:37,986 --> 00:03:39,373 You see that? 80 00:03:39,374 --> 00:03:41,912 The man is already sticking it to him. 81 00:03:41,913 --> 00:03:44,520 Okay, since Daddy is gonna rant about "the man," 82 00:03:44,521 --> 00:03:46,246 Zack and I will be in the car. 83 00:03:46,247 --> 00:03:48,583 All right, hey. Hey, don't be blinded, sister. 84 00:03:48,584 --> 00:03:50,377 Stay woke. 85 00:03:50,378 --> 00:03:53,356 Marlon, I don't understand why you're so upset. 86 00:03:53,357 --> 00:03:54,948 The school is just trying to put them 87 00:03:54,949 --> 00:03:56,641 on the right track for success. 88 00:03:56,642 --> 00:03:57,742 Listen to me. 89 00:03:58,369 --> 00:03:59,620 I don't want them putting my son in a box. 90 00:03:59,621 --> 00:04:02,328 Okay, so you know what? I don't have time for this 91 00:04:02,329 --> 00:04:06,121 but let's just agree to disagree. 92 00:04:06,122 --> 00:04:08,660 Agree to disagree. 93 00:04:08,661 --> 00:04:11,335 That's what people say when they know I'm right. 94 00:04:11,336 --> 00:04:13,705 I get it a lot. 95 00:04:13,706 --> 00:04:16,786 And Marlon's going to reveal his plan in three, two, one... 96 00:04:16,787 --> 00:04:19,934 Stevie. We're gonna crash career day. 97 00:04:19,935 --> 00:04:21,357 What? No way. 98 00:04:21,358 --> 00:04:23,622 I did not see that coming. 99 00:04:28,094 --> 00:04:30,802 So between my architectural degree 100 00:04:30,803 --> 00:04:31,954 and flair for design... 101 00:04:31,955 --> 00:04:35,479 And my business degree and flair for being fly... 102 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:37,950 - [BOTH CHUCKLE] - We've managed to sustain 103 00:04:37,951 --> 00:04:41,438 a successful business for the last nine years! 104 00:04:41,439 --> 00:04:44,417 How's that for a career? 105 00:04:44,418 --> 00:04:48,037 [LIGHT APPLAUSE] 106 00:04:49,361 --> 00:04:52,475 Spoiled rotten bastards. Pick your head up, Ashley. 107 00:04:52,476 --> 00:04:54,167 We did good. 108 00:04:54,168 --> 00:04:56,335 Thank you, Ms. Brown, Ms. Wayne, 109 00:04:56,336 --> 00:04:58,265 and thank you to all of the parents 110 00:04:58,266 --> 00:05:00,160 who came to talk to us today. 111 00:05:00,161 --> 00:05:02,971 [CHICAGO BULLS THEME SONG PLAYS] 112 00:05:02,972 --> 00:05:06,695 Ah, damn it. 113 00:05:06,696 --> 00:05:10,115 And now, from the PJs of New York, 114 00:05:10,116 --> 00:05:14,008 Standing at 6'3", 6'2" with the hair loss, 115 00:05:14,009 --> 00:05:17,462 social media influencer and all around dope dude, 116 00:05:17,463 --> 00:05:22,301 Marlon Wayne! 117 00:05:24,201 --> 00:05:27,176 [APPLAUSE] 118 00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:32,661 [GRUNTS] 119 00:05:40,147 --> 00:05:42,547 [COUGHS] 120 00:05:45,293 --> 00:05:47,798 Now, kids. 121 00:05:47,799 --> 00:05:50,473 Please give it up for your opening acts. 122 00:05:50,474 --> 00:05:52,132 [LIGHT APPLAUSE] 123 00:05:52,133 --> 00:05:54,332 Give it up for the paralegal. 124 00:05:54,333 --> 00:05:56,668 She was too damn lazy to go to law school. 125 00:05:56,669 --> 00:05:58,565 [LAUGHS] 126 00:05:58,566 --> 00:06:00,528 Now... 127 00:06:00,529 --> 00:06:02,864 traditional jobs are cool... 128 00:06:02,865 --> 00:06:04,219 but... 129 00:06:04,220 --> 00:06:08,112 they take a piece of your soul. 130 00:06:08,113 --> 00:06:13,056 The brutal grind of 9 to 5, every day. 131 00:06:13,057 --> 00:06:16,306 You need a drink after work to calm you down. 132 00:06:16,307 --> 00:06:19,320 So you go down to the little watering hole, 133 00:06:19,321 --> 00:06:21,317 and there's a bunch of miserable people 134 00:06:21,318 --> 00:06:24,906 sitting at the bar and they drunk and plastered. 135 00:06:24,907 --> 00:06:27,140 And then you go to your bartender, 136 00:06:27,141 --> 00:06:29,138 Bartender Nicky, and she just gives you the bottle... 137 00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:31,068 [HISSES] She slides it down 138 00:06:31,069 --> 00:06:32,320 and you grab it 139 00:06:32,321 --> 00:06:34,318 and you drink it all the way down 140 00:06:34,319 --> 00:06:39,227 till it makes that "boop" noise when you put it back down. 141 00:06:39,228 --> 00:06:42,071 And now you're a little intoxicated 142 00:06:42,072 --> 00:06:44,306 and your friend says, "Hey, you wanna drive? 143 00:06:44,307 --> 00:06:47,150 Let me get your keys." And you go, "No." 144 00:06:47,151 --> 00:06:50,299 So your friend takes your keys and she throws them... ching! 145 00:06:50,300 --> 00:06:51,413 Did I say "she"? 146 00:06:52,298 --> 00:06:55,851 Yes, you had your mistress meet you down there. 147 00:06:55,852 --> 00:06:57,849 So they call you an Uber, 148 00:06:57,850 --> 00:06:59,745 but she don't call you a UberX, 149 00:06:59,746 --> 00:07:01,302 she called you a Uber Pool. 150 00:07:01,303 --> 00:07:04,146 So you sitting in the pool full of four people 151 00:07:04,147 --> 00:07:07,092 and you drunk and you throw up on some person's lap. 152 00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:08,988 Meanwhile, some dude is hitting on you 153 00:07:08,989 --> 00:07:10,580 and it gets weird, 154 00:07:10,581 --> 00:07:13,559 and then they push you out the car on your lawn 155 00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:16,809 and your family don't find you till the next morning 156 00:07:16,810 --> 00:07:18,875 when they're on the way to school 157 00:07:18,876 --> 00:07:20,737 and the sprinklers are on 158 00:07:20,738 --> 00:07:25,104 and the dog is sniffing your ass. 159 00:07:25,105 --> 00:07:29,201 Is that a life you wanna live? Not me. 160 00:07:29,202 --> 00:07:32,011 I'm here to tell you about 161 00:07:32,012 --> 00:07:34,517 non-traditional jobs. 162 00:07:34,518 --> 00:07:36,819 - Wonderful. - Mm-hmm. 163 00:07:36,820 --> 00:07:39,087 Why don't you tell us what you do? 164 00:07:39,088 --> 00:07:41,999 Girl, I think different. 165 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,674 Like Steve Jobs. 166 00:07:44,675 --> 00:07:46,908 Martin Luther King Jr. 167 00:07:46,909 --> 00:07:50,328 Jesus Christ. 168 00:07:50,329 --> 00:07:54,391 The little dude that made up this dance. 169 00:07:54,392 --> 00:07:58,927 You know, we all thunk outside the box. 170 00:07:58,928 --> 00:08:01,163 You know why? Because nothing good 171 00:08:01,164 --> 00:08:03,499 has ever come out of a box. 172 00:08:03,500 --> 00:08:05,123 What about Playstation? 173 00:08:05,124 --> 00:08:09,388 Hey, man. This ain't a duet. 174 00:08:10,779 --> 00:08:13,046 See, guys, there's a whole world 175 00:08:13,047 --> 00:08:16,939 of alternative careers just waiting for all of you. 176 00:08:16,940 --> 00:08:20,191 Like a gamer. A magician. 177 00:08:20,192 --> 00:08:21,850 A doula. 178 00:08:21,851 --> 00:08:24,422 Mr. Wayne, I'm confused. 179 00:08:24,423 --> 00:08:26,691 Uh, Stevie told me to say doula. 180 00:08:26,692 --> 00:08:29,535 I don't know what the hell it is either. 181 00:08:29,536 --> 00:08:32,345 No, I'm just not sure that it's clear 182 00:08:32,346 --> 00:08:35,290 what it is that you actually do. 183 00:08:35,291 --> 00:08:40,638 Oh. I... I follow my heart. 184 00:08:41,352 --> 00:08:45,516 I make people laugh for a living, 185 00:08:45,517 --> 00:08:48,360 and I drive a Range Rover. 186 00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:52,253 With rims and butt-heaters. My dad is ballin'! 187 00:08:52,254 --> 00:08:54,353 Wonderful. Wonderful. 188 00:08:54,354 --> 00:08:57,535 And I'm sure that the foundation and structure 189 00:08:57,536 --> 00:09:01,022 that you learned in school has been very beneficial 190 00:09:01,023 --> 00:09:03,697 to your career. 191 00:09:03,698 --> 00:09:05,864 Nah. 192 00:09:05,865 --> 00:09:07,692 Yeah, you don't need none of that. 193 00:09:07,693 --> 00:09:09,385 Listen, guys, I'm my own boss. 194 00:09:09,386 --> 00:09:11,890 I wake up when I want 'cause this way, 195 00:09:11,891 --> 00:09:13,482 if the dope sneakers come in, 196 00:09:13,483 --> 00:09:16,563 I could be first in line to get 'em and guess what? 197 00:09:16,564 --> 00:09:18,425 Bow! Got 'em. 198 00:09:18,426 --> 00:09:20,762 You jealous? You should be. 199 00:09:20,763 --> 00:09:22,047 Sneakers also come in a box. 200 00:09:22,048 --> 00:09:23,706 Hey, man, you about to come in a box 201 00:09:23,707 --> 00:09:25,942 - if you keep on interrupting me. - Mr. Wayne, Mr. Wayne. 202 00:09:25,943 --> 00:09:27,228 Nah, let little boy... 203 00:09:27,229 --> 00:09:28,785 Nah, little boy got something to say. 204 00:09:28,786 --> 00:09:31,054 You got something to say? 205 00:09:31,055 --> 00:09:33,966 All right, so anyway, in summation... 206 00:09:33,967 --> 00:09:37,554 I would like to say to all of you... 207 00:09:37,555 --> 00:09:41,076 I want you all to follow your heart... 208 00:09:41,077 --> 00:09:44,732 and, as God is my witness, 209 00:09:44,733 --> 00:09:50,147 you will never have to work a day in your life. 210 00:09:50,827 --> 00:09:53,668 [APPLAUSE] 211 00:09:54,890 --> 00:09:57,801 Stevie, hit me with that dope outtro. 212 00:09:57,802 --> 00:10:00,950 ["IT'S RAINING MEN" BY THE WEATHER GIRLS PLAYS] 213 00:10:00,951 --> 00:10:04,606 Sorry, it's my workout playlist. 214 00:10:04,607 --> 00:10:10,495 ♪ ♪ 215 00:10:11,819 --> 00:10:16,795 See, I told you we should have used some damn music. 216 00:10:16,796 --> 00:10:18,319 - Ooh. - You killed it, champ. 217 00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:20,587 Your boy did that. [LAUGHS] 218 00:10:20,588 --> 00:10:22,822 Ah, they couldn't touch me in there. 219 00:10:22,823 --> 00:10:25,056 I dare you to find me one person 220 00:10:25,057 --> 00:10:28,676 that could be mad at that career day speech. 221 00:10:31,897 --> 00:10:34,601 Found some. 222 00:10:40,618 --> 00:10:42,176 Do they look mad to you? 223 00:10:42,177 --> 00:10:44,342 Perturbed. 224 00:10:44,343 --> 00:10:48,063 This looks like a meeting of All Lives Matter. 225 00:10:49,963 --> 00:10:52,265 Uh, Ash. 226 00:10:52,266 --> 00:10:54,059 When you hit me to come over 227 00:10:54,060 --> 00:10:58,562 you didn't tell me it was for the worst swingers party ever. 228 00:10:58,563 --> 00:11:00,782 Ah, man. By the looks of it, 229 00:11:00,783 --> 00:11:02,441 I'm gonna be doing all the heavy lifting. 230 00:11:02,442 --> 00:11:04,134 All right, let's get to it y'all. 231 00:11:04,135 --> 00:11:05,894 Okay, Marlon. 232 00:11:05,895 --> 00:11:07,317 - Listen. - Hmm? 233 00:11:07,318 --> 00:11:10,635 Your career day speech did not go over very well. 234 00:11:10,636 --> 00:11:12,429 Marlon, there are a lot of white people here, 235 00:11:12,430 --> 00:11:14,562 allow me to translate. 236 00:11:14,563 --> 00:11:16,628 Hey, guys. [CHUCKLES] 237 00:11:16,629 --> 00:11:18,523 Rest assured we've got some Pinkberry 238 00:11:18,524 --> 00:11:22,180 and some charcuterie on the way. 239 00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:24,584 We're gonna let our dogs inside the house 240 00:11:24,585 --> 00:11:26,751 and we're gonna let them kiss us on the mouth. 241 00:11:26,752 --> 00:11:28,410 So... 242 00:11:28,411 --> 00:11:33,554 so just rest assured it's gonna be amaze-balls. 243 00:11:34,877 --> 00:11:36,637 That little speech of yours 244 00:11:36,638 --> 00:11:38,804 has ruined our children's lives. 245 00:11:38,805 --> 00:11:41,140 Tanner wants to be a street artist now. 246 00:11:41,141 --> 00:11:46,117 Last night, he tagged the gate in our gated community with... 247 00:11:46,118 --> 00:11:49,638 a pecker. 248 00:11:49,639 --> 00:11:50,823 Aw. 249 00:11:50,824 --> 00:11:53,701 Well, kudos to him for being creative 250 00:11:53,702 --> 00:11:58,405 and kudos to you for bringing back the word pecker. 251 00:11:59,763 --> 00:12:02,708 Rebecca suddenly believes she's a designer. 252 00:12:02,709 --> 00:12:07,312 She said I had no swag and then threw away most of my clothes. 253 00:12:07,313 --> 00:12:10,495 She must have forgot them khakis you got on. 254 00:12:10,496 --> 00:12:12,357 And them ugly-ass caramel shoes. 255 00:12:12,358 --> 00:12:13,711 They look like someone put some laces 256 00:12:13,712 --> 00:12:16,721 in some Werther's candy. [LAUGHS] 257 00:12:18,756 --> 00:12:22,412 Marlon. Gabe's mother is concerned 258 00:12:22,413 --> 00:12:24,173 because he's abandoned his dream 259 00:12:24,174 --> 00:12:26,306 - of being a veterinarian. - Yeah. 260 00:12:26,307 --> 00:12:29,489 He says he's in the rap game now. 261 00:12:29,490 --> 00:12:31,655 ♪ Yo, yo, yo, I slung some rocks ♪ 262 00:12:31,656 --> 00:12:33,484 ♪ And my stacks getting bigger ♪ 263 00:12:33,485 --> 00:12:35,650 ♪ But life ain't easy for this 4-foot... ♪ 264 00:12:35,651 --> 00:12:38,932 - [ALL YELL] - Hey, hey, hey, hey. 265 00:12:42,254 --> 00:12:43,675 You're gonna go back to that class 266 00:12:43,676 --> 00:12:45,097 and tell them you were wrong. 267 00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:49,563 You gonna take the bass out your voice. 268 00:12:51,158 --> 00:12:55,929 Don't look at me for the rest of the night. 269 00:13:02,941 --> 00:13:04,599 Now... 270 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,562 I don't see what the problem is. 271 00:13:06,563 --> 00:13:08,383 The problem is they all wanna be like you. 272 00:13:09,949 --> 00:13:11,607 Well, congratulations. 273 00:13:11,608 --> 00:13:15,196 Every parent should want their kid to be like me. 274 00:13:15,197 --> 00:13:18,244 Right, Ash? 275 00:13:18,245 --> 00:13:22,507 Well... 276 00:13:24,169 --> 00:13:26,572 All right. Everybody out. 277 00:13:26,573 --> 00:13:28,943 Come on. Come on, y'all. 278 00:13:28,944 --> 00:13:30,296 Start up them minivans 279 00:13:30,297 --> 00:13:32,057 and let's get the hell up out of here. 280 00:13:32,058 --> 00:13:33,411 Come on. 281 00:13:33,412 --> 00:13:35,240 And, no, you cannot use the bathroom. 282 00:13:35,241 --> 00:13:37,880 You're a grown ass man, use your kegels. 283 00:13:37,881 --> 00:13:41,368 [HIP HOP MUSIC] 284 00:13:41,369 --> 00:13:42,824 Marlon, let me explain. 285 00:13:42,825 --> 00:13:44,822 Nah, you don't have to explain nothing. 286 00:13:44,823 --> 00:13:47,598 Apparently, I ain't nothing. My daddy ain't nothing. 287 00:13:47,599 --> 00:13:49,798 My granddaddy ain't nothing. 288 00:13:49,799 --> 00:13:51,965 The man who picked my great-great-granddaddy 289 00:13:51,966 --> 00:13:55,825 from the slave auction, he ain't nothing. 290 00:13:55,826 --> 00:13:57,789 The porter on the slave ship that said, 291 00:13:57,790 --> 00:13:59,888 "We got room for one more." He ain't nothing. 292 00:13:59,889 --> 00:14:02,664 Okay! 293 00:14:02,665 --> 00:14:04,222 Marlon, I didn't say any of that. 294 00:14:04,223 --> 00:14:07,065 I was paraphrasing. 295 00:14:07,066 --> 00:14:08,488 I just don't want Zack 296 00:14:08,489 --> 00:14:10,993 to have the same struggles as us. 297 00:14:10,994 --> 00:14:12,787 Don't you remember when you were starting 298 00:14:12,788 --> 00:14:16,241 your YouTube career how hard it was for us? 299 00:14:16,242 --> 00:14:18,949 You left your stable job at the airport 300 00:14:18,950 --> 00:14:21,184 to make fart videos. 301 00:14:21,185 --> 00:14:25,518 They were trending at the time. 302 00:14:25,519 --> 00:14:27,990 That was really scary for me. 303 00:14:27,991 --> 00:14:29,276 I know but... 304 00:14:29,277 --> 00:14:31,409 remember when I got that first big check 305 00:14:31,410 --> 00:14:33,474 and we made it rain on those bills? 306 00:14:33,475 --> 00:14:35,811 We was like, "Ah, take that rent. 307 00:14:35,812 --> 00:14:40,652 Ah, on your ass, gas. Ah." 308 00:14:40,653 --> 00:14:42,718 Yeah and then there was a drought 309 00:14:42,719 --> 00:14:44,309 before you got your next check. 310 00:14:44,310 --> 00:14:46,138 It was nine months. 311 00:14:46,139 --> 00:14:47,593 I just don't want our kids 312 00:14:47,594 --> 00:14:49,455 to have that kind of instability 313 00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:52,096 and neither do those parents. 314 00:14:52,097 --> 00:14:56,565 Okay, if it was scary for you, then why'd you stay? 315 00:14:56,566 --> 00:14:58,867 Because I believed in you... 316 00:14:58,868 --> 00:15:02,220 and I saw how hard you were working. 317 00:15:02,221 --> 00:15:03,608 And... 318 00:15:03,609 --> 00:15:06,620 you don't think our son will do that too? 319 00:15:06,621 --> 00:15:08,517 Zack, can you come down here a minute? 320 00:15:08,518 --> 00:15:09,973 Why you be bringing the babies into this? 321 00:15:09,974 --> 00:15:11,426 Damn. 322 00:15:13,088 --> 00:15:14,645 Zack, can you tell your daddy 323 00:15:14,646 --> 00:15:16,541 why you didn't want to do your homework last night? 324 00:15:16,542 --> 00:15:18,064 My heart doesn't want to follow fractions. 325 00:15:18,065 --> 00:15:20,909 - I don't need them. - Yeah, he's right. 326 00:15:20,910 --> 00:15:24,802 3/8 of all the people I know don't even use fractions. 327 00:15:24,803 --> 00:15:28,256 Zack, can you tell your dad why you don't need them? 328 00:15:28,257 --> 00:15:31,574 Because I'm gonna be a famous YouTube star like Dad. 329 00:15:31,575 --> 00:15:35,366 Yeah, I'm never gonna work hard a day in my life. 330 00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:37,194 Hey, bud, wait... 331 00:15:37,195 --> 00:15:39,260 I never said that. 332 00:15:39,261 --> 00:15:41,392 But that's what Zack heard. 333 00:15:41,393 --> 00:15:45,049 That's what they all heard. 334 00:15:45,050 --> 00:15:47,148 All right, fine. 335 00:15:47,149 --> 00:15:50,398 - I'll fix it. - Thank you. 336 00:15:50,399 --> 00:15:53,378 But for the record... 337 00:15:53,379 --> 00:15:56,256 I told you we should stop after Marley. 338 00:15:56,257 --> 00:15:58,422 ♪ ♪ 339 00:15:58,423 --> 00:16:01,199 All right, my little YouTube star. 340 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,095 - Ready to do what daddy does? - Let's do it. 341 00:16:03,096 --> 00:16:05,093 All right, well, the first thing we have to do 342 00:16:05,094 --> 00:16:07,564 is we have to have a brain-storming session. 343 00:16:07,565 --> 00:16:09,392 Okay, that's where we figure out some ideas. 344 00:16:09,393 --> 00:16:10,916 So what do you got? 345 00:16:10,917 --> 00:16:12,846 I was thinking I'd do one of my characters. 346 00:16:12,847 --> 00:16:16,636 - Oh, okay. - You know, this guy. 347 00:16:18,365 --> 00:16:20,904 You know what... this is my bad. 348 00:16:20,905 --> 00:16:23,376 See, there was this one time when you was a baby 349 00:16:23,377 --> 00:16:25,948 I dropped you five times. 350 00:16:25,949 --> 00:16:27,235 Come on, son. 351 00:16:27,236 --> 00:16:29,063 We gotta think bigger, baby. Come on. 352 00:16:29,064 --> 00:16:30,418 Well, what do you do, Dad? 353 00:16:30,419 --> 00:16:32,483 Well, me, I do "The Marlon Way." 354 00:16:32,484 --> 00:16:35,395 That's where I riff on various topics. 355 00:16:35,396 --> 00:16:37,698 I wanna do a cool version of that. 356 00:16:37,699 --> 00:16:40,542 Says the dude that looks like a nappy metronome. 357 00:16:40,543 --> 00:16:42,234 Dad, you're doing it wrong, it's... 358 00:16:42,235 --> 00:16:43,825 Welcome to "The Zack Attack", 359 00:16:43,826 --> 00:16:46,906 where Zack attacks things that everybody hates. 360 00:16:46,907 --> 00:16:48,937 Now, the problem with mac and cheese is... 361 00:16:48,938 --> 00:16:51,579 Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, 362 00:16:51,580 --> 00:16:53,780 hold up, hold up. 363 00:16:53,781 --> 00:16:58,248 Are you throwing shade at mac and cheese? 364 00:16:58,249 --> 00:16:59,773 Why don't you just make a video 365 00:16:59,774 --> 00:17:01,601 of you punching a kitten in the throat? 366 00:17:01,602 --> 00:17:02,955 Now, come on. 367 00:17:02,956 --> 00:17:05,596 Pick a topic that the audience can get behind. 368 00:17:05,597 --> 00:17:09,286 The thing about mac and cheese... 369 00:17:09,287 --> 00:17:12,638 - Black Panther. - All right, now we talking. 370 00:17:12,639 --> 00:17:15,076 - Was overrated. - Whoa, hey. 371 00:17:15,077 --> 00:17:16,328 Hey, man. 372 00:17:16,329 --> 00:17:17,988 Ain't nobody trying to hear that. 373 00:17:17,989 --> 00:17:21,441 You trying to get us kicked out the race? 374 00:17:21,442 --> 00:17:23,947 - Natural hair. - Hey, man. 375 00:17:23,948 --> 00:17:26,283 You trying to get us beat up by the sisters? 376 00:17:26,284 --> 00:17:28,281 Weaves are our friends. 377 00:17:28,282 --> 00:17:30,244 Weave them alone. 378 00:17:30,245 --> 00:17:32,174 God. Say, Jack. 379 00:17:32,175 --> 00:17:35,288 You trying to get us killed? Sorry. 380 00:17:35,289 --> 00:17:36,880 Beyoncé. 381 00:17:36,881 --> 00:17:39,148 I'd rather you talk about God. 382 00:17:39,149 --> 00:17:41,316 [WHIMPERING] 383 00:17:41,317 --> 00:17:44,125 Jay-Z plus Beyoncé. That's the illuminati. 384 00:17:44,126 --> 00:17:45,379 [WHIMPERING] 385 00:17:45,380 --> 00:17:47,206 these Bey-hive people are crazy. 386 00:17:47,207 --> 00:17:49,644 [WHIMPERING] 387 00:17:49,645 --> 00:17:52,454 I hear copters. They flying Solange in. 388 00:17:52,455 --> 00:17:54,077 Ah! 389 00:17:59,143 --> 00:18:01,958 Dad. We've been at this all day. 390 00:18:01,959 --> 00:18:03,657 I tried like a zillion topics 391 00:18:03,658 --> 00:18:05,146 and you shot down every one of them. 392 00:18:05,147 --> 00:18:08,396 Son, I can't have you out here talking about 393 00:18:08,397 --> 00:18:10,935 Forest Whitaker's eye like that, man. 394 00:18:10,936 --> 00:18:13,441 I mean, geez, this brother won an Oscar. 395 00:18:13,442 --> 00:18:16,150 Put some respect on his name. 396 00:18:16,151 --> 00:18:18,215 Now, look, son. Okay? 397 00:18:18,216 --> 00:18:21,770 It took me about ten zillion different topics 398 00:18:21,771 --> 00:18:23,293 before I found one that worked. 399 00:18:23,294 --> 00:18:26,341 So we're just gonna keep working at it. 400 00:18:26,342 --> 00:18:28,676 - Well, I quit. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey. 401 00:18:28,677 --> 00:18:30,641 Whoa. 402 00:18:30,642 --> 00:18:33,180 We don't quit in this family. 403 00:18:33,181 --> 00:18:35,110 That's a four letter word we don't say. 404 00:18:35,111 --> 00:18:37,176 We don't say quit and we don't sat can't. 405 00:18:37,177 --> 00:18:40,426 Everything else is for the taking. 406 00:18:40,427 --> 00:18:42,389 Now, when I started, I couldn't quit. 407 00:18:42,390 --> 00:18:46,622 You know why? Because I had a family. 408 00:18:46,623 --> 00:18:49,599 And I had this beautiful little baby boy... 409 00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:51,787 who needed expensive formula 410 00:18:51,788 --> 00:18:55,512 because even though he had perfectly good breast milk... 411 00:18:55,513 --> 00:18:57,713 he couldn't latch on. 412 00:18:57,714 --> 00:19:00,338 Now, you got that from your mother's side. 413 00:19:00,339 --> 00:19:03,690 Dad, you said that I wouldn't have to work a day in my life. 414 00:19:03,691 --> 00:19:06,026 Son. 415 00:19:06,027 --> 00:19:08,701 What I meant was... 416 00:19:08,702 --> 00:19:10,563 if you follow your heart... 417 00:19:10,564 --> 00:19:13,137 and you find something that you love... 418 00:19:13,138 --> 00:19:17,468 it won't feel like work. 419 00:19:20,585 --> 00:19:24,606 And that's all I was trying to say to you guys the other day. 420 00:19:24,607 --> 00:19:26,884 See, I left you all with the impression 421 00:19:26,885 --> 00:19:31,791 that non-traditional careers don't require hard work. 422 00:19:32,371 --> 00:19:34,604 That's not true. But... 423 00:19:34,605 --> 00:19:37,312 if you do something that you love, 424 00:19:37,313 --> 00:19:41,274 it won't feel like work. 425 00:19:41,275 --> 00:19:45,537 So, in closing, I'd like to say, stay in school... 426 00:19:46,895 --> 00:19:49,467 Stranger danger... 427 00:19:49,468 --> 00:19:54,341 only you can prevent forest fires... 428 00:19:56,713 --> 00:20:01,112 And don't do some drugs. 429 00:20:02,842 --> 00:20:05,380 Anything else? We cool? 430 00:20:05,381 --> 00:20:07,141 Uh, that's the best y'all gonna get. 431 00:20:07,142 --> 00:20:09,139 Mm-hmm. 432 00:20:09,140 --> 00:20:10,560 - [LIGHT APPLAUSE] - Thank you. 433 00:20:10,561 --> 00:20:13,506 Stevie, hit me with that dope ass outtro music. 434 00:20:13,507 --> 00:20:16,214 ["I DON'T WANT TO WAIT" BY PAULA COLE PLAYS] 435 00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:18,508 ♪ For our lives to be over ♪ 436 00:20:18,509 --> 00:20:23,586 ♪ I want to know right now what will it be ♪ 437 00:20:23,587 --> 00:20:28,665 ♪ I don't want to wait for our lives to be over ♪ 438 00:20:28,666 --> 00:20:31,475 ♪ I want to know right now what will it be ♪ 439 00:20:31,476 --> 00:20:34,691 I don't even wanna know. Okay? 440 00:20:34,692 --> 00:20:38,656 So did I miss my calling as a motivational speaker or what? 441 00:20:38,657 --> 00:20:41,128 That or a fireman who only puts out fires 442 00:20:41,129 --> 00:20:43,747 he started himself. [BOTH LAUGH] 443 00:20:43,748 --> 00:20:45,406 You know, I realized something. 444 00:20:45,407 --> 00:20:48,962 When I first started chasing my dreams... 445 00:20:48,963 --> 00:20:51,667 it must have been really scary for you. 446 00:20:53,093 --> 00:20:55,225 But for me it wasn't. 447 00:20:55,226 --> 00:20:59,187 It was the first time in my professional life... 448 00:20:59,188 --> 00:21:02,335 that I just felt alive. 449 00:21:02,336 --> 00:21:04,536 And that's what I want for those kids. 450 00:21:04,537 --> 00:21:07,075 And that's what I want for our kids. 451 00:21:07,076 --> 00:21:08,768 I get that. 452 00:21:08,769 --> 00:21:12,493 And for the record, Marlon... 453 00:21:12,494 --> 00:21:16,146 I'd be thrilled if Zack turned out like you. 454 00:21:17,504 --> 00:21:18,993 - Hey. - Hmm? 455 00:21:18,994 --> 00:21:21,465 - Can I ask you a question? - Of course. 456 00:21:21,466 --> 00:21:23,868 Is Miss Frye staring at my booty right now? 457 00:21:23,869 --> 00:21:27,694 - Marlon. - Just look. 458 00:21:27,695 --> 00:21:30,166 Actually... yeah, she is. 459 00:21:30,167 --> 00:21:32,333 Girl, I knew it. My ass is hot. 460 00:21:32,334 --> 00:21:34,768 [LAUGHS] 461 00:21:34,987 --> 00:21:41,791 Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com. 33722

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