Original subtitles

(alternative rock music)

♫ Why, I'm lying in bed (phone rings)

♫ Thinking about her eyes

♫ Playing with my head

♫ And he was closer to me

♫ I was trying to be

♫ What I could be ♫

- Hello?

♫ The hills are alive with the smell of dumplings ♫

- How can anyone be so musical on a Sunday morning?

- [Sarah] Dex, it's a beautiful day.

You promised to come to our book club meeting.

Now get your lazy tush out of bed!

- Bye, mom.

♫ I don't know how to love ♫

♫ I was tired of my boring friends

♫ I had to write, man, to the scene

♫ I, I'd like to have a word with you ♫

- [Max] Fuck, what time is it?

- Eight o'clock.

- What the hell are you doing up so early?

- (yawns) I got that birthday night host

luncheon thingy for my dad in DC.

- Oh yeah, shit.

I'm so sorry I can't go.

I'd love to see singing Sarah and Carl again.

They're the bomb.

There any coffee?

When are you gonna start drinking

coffee like a normal human being, huh?!

You know what we need?

A valet to take care of our grazing

and all of our cleaning needs.

- What are we, cattle?

- Yeah, (cow noises).

Hey, but you know what?

This is some of the new stuff I'm doing.

Would you mind?

- Nice, yeah, I'll sneak a listen to it on the train.

- Thank you, Deximus.

- You're welcome, Maximus.

So how are things with Tasha?

- Oh fine, you know, up and down

and all over the place, you know?

She's a handful, but boy is she

a champ down you know where, baby!

- (Australian accent) Right, down under in the outback bush!

- Who's yo mama, who's yo mama, who's yo mama!

- Respect a hearty hangover, bitches.

- Who's yo mama, who's yo...

Hi, baby.

- Baby, where's the coffee?

- Mr. Power Shake here did not get around to it.

- Thanks, fucknut.

How is it that you did nine Purple Hooter shots last night?

Do you fit that into your health is wealth bullshit?

- Balance is the way of the serenely happy soul.

- Oh yeah right!

From the guy who ate Taco Shack

for four years at (mumbles)!

- No wonder you got serious gas.

Baby, back to my shack.

- All right, vamos es mi chimichanga.

- Oh I love when you talk foodie

to me, gordita chilupa.

- Ew! - Ew!

- Dex!

- Just a little bit.

- No chance.

(laughing)

Say what's up to your parents.

- I will.

- Yeah, have a nice trip.

And don't be late for the gig,

you better be there, man.

- Have fine dreams.

- Kisses to the folks!

- You wish you were a lesbian.

Later Dex, let's tuck and roll!

Ride the horsie, my big fat hog, ride it!

(alternative rock music)

♫ Love lies

♫ Lies

♫ Love lies ♫

- Manhattan Minutiae story ideas, two yuppies...

A cab driver, a cab driver, a cab driver

who performs all kinds of olfactory

offenses on his patrons causing

them to lose their jobs, their families,

any other meaningful materialistic matters.

This is wonderful.

Oh God.

- Oh darling, you made it.

- Fashionably late, but dressed to

impress as usual.

- Impress who?

- It's gonna be fine, sweetheart.

I see you tried the curry tofu.

You still hungry?

- Despite my aura of Calcutta, I did not eat,

I was olfactorily offended by my cabbie.

- Huh?

What is olfactorily offended?

- Let's not have that kind of talk.

- What do you want me to do, dad?

I was the victim here.

- Oh come on, be sweet, now go ahead,

put your bag inside, mingle, Sonya's there!

- Don't be shy.

(giggling)

- Hey Dex!

Get over here!

What have you been doing these days?

- Oh you know, same old same old,

raising sea monkeys, working at my bar/club.

- What's the name of it again, I forgot.

- MindField.

- Oh yeah, well that's pretty clever.

Is that because you made all that money

squatting on websites, is it squatting or squading?

- It's squatting.

- Well what else you've been doing?

- Well I'm writing my book, it's true stories.

- Manhattan Minutiae, I know,

your mom told me all about that.

- Guess who!

- Oh let's see, soft hands, wilting speech,

Chanel perfume, I'm gonna guess Rush Limbaugh?

- You used to babysit me, would steal my parents' ice cream.

- Yeah, I'm still thinking little Rushie Limbaugh.

But if I had to make a second guess

I would say Sonya Park!

Hey, I win!

What are you up to, you look great!

- Thanks!

- Yeah, I must've raised you right.

- Well my parents might've had

a little bit to do with it.

- Bah!

- Hey Sonya, what are you up to these days?

- Well I'm actually working on my

post grad documentary on poetry

as it's evolved from haiku to rap music.

- Oh gosh, I think that's very interesting.

I wish you would do something a

little bit more creative, Dex.

- Oh hey, it's Becca (mumbles), let's go say hi.

- Duty calls, sorry about that.

As usual, Miss Franklin, it's been simply surreal.

I think there's curry shrimp in the kitchen.

Thank you so much for helping me out there.

- You could pay me back with a dinner in New York?

- Anytime, when you coming to town?

- Tonight.

- What are you talking about?

- (laughs) Seriously, for a couple months.

I'm gonna be a summer TA at NYU.

- Why didn't you tell me?

- I just did and scammed a free dinner out of you.

- Nah, you didn't scam anything, you earned it.

So where are you staying?

- Just with a friend of a friend at the dorms.

- You kidding me?

Why don't you stay with me?

- Oh come on.

- Seriously.

- Really?

That would be so cool!

Only if I wouldn't be in the way or anything.

Oh you'd never see me, I can cook,

I can clean, I can do the laundry.

- Well in that case you can stay

there forever, my roommate will love you.

- Who's your roommate?

- Max, my best friend from college?

Multimedia Experience?

- I don't think I ever met him.

- It's a her.

She's great, you're gonna love her.

- All right, thanks!

- Sure.

- My parents will be thrilled.

- Yeah.

You have to walk around the apartment naked though.

(laughing)

That all right?

- Sure, I can even do the laundry and cook naked.

- Yeah, just for the first week.

After that you can put socks on.

(laughing)

- Deal!

(grunge rock music)

(cheering)

♫ Without distractions I see your face

♫ I saw myself in (mumbles)

- Hey Dex, when did you get here?

- Looks pretty rocking tonight.

♫ You suck

♫ Get out of my head

♫ You suck

- Yeah yeah, it's wall to wall beaver.

Or should I say fish because they don't

wanna fuck like beaver, but they sure

wanna drink like fish.

♫ Let try some more (mumbles)

- I'd like to introduce you to Sonya.

Sonya, this is the notorious RC.

- Hey, howdy, gookster girl.

- [Sonya] I'm Korean.

- And?

♫ You suck

♫ Get out of my head

♫ You suck

♫ I wish you were dead

♫ You suck

- How about you and me later, Sun Yi?

- The name's Sonya.

- Sonya, Sun Yi, Kim Chi, whatever.

- Anyway, why are Ana and GoGo here?

- Aw man, I don't know.

Maybe they're playing for the other side now.

Oh, I'm sorry, I know you went out with Ana, (mumbles).

- I know you're not talking about me.

What's going on, Dex?

- What are you doing here?

- Well Max just caught us and told

us to come and check out the set tonight.

- And you know that my girl here

needs to get her dance on and her screaming on!

Right, baby, what's up!

- I want you to introduce you guys

to a friend of the family, this is Sonya.

- [GoGo] Hi!

- [Ana] How are you Sonya, I'm Ana, nice to meet you.

- GoGo, nice to meet you.

- So what's up?

- My lack of a cocktail.

Hook a sister up, I need a drink,

let's go, I wanna get started!

- [Dex] You two remember RC, right?

- Why don't you get me cranberry vodka and a shot?

Make yourself useful.

- And can I get a cranberry juice please?

Thank you.

So Dex, I don't see FiFi the (mumbles).

- Oh come on, girlfriend! - Is she coming?

- Girl, we came here to have a good time, okay?

You said we was gonna howl at the moon,

GoGo's in the house, Anaconda's on the loose (mumbles)!

- [Ana] Down it.

Big girl, I guess you can.

Got it?

- Woo, all right, let's do this!

(cheering)

- You've (mumbles), stick around, y'all.

- Catch you later, girls.

- Don't do us any favors.

- You going down with us?

- Sure.

- What are you wearing?

- (mumbles)

- Yo, Dexie!

- My midnight runner.

You know it's time for Carmello shots.

- Right on, grandpa!

- We got a set to do.

- Pussies.

- You got that right!

- Hey you guys, this is my friend Sonya from back home.

- Hi everyone.

- Right on, hey girl!

I'm Max and this timid thing is Tasha.

- Nice to meet you.

- Hi.

- Hey Max, I love that tape you

gave me, very sage, soothing, sexual.

- Aww, thanks, sage, that's cool.

- Yeah, Pluto's Kicking My Ass, awesome.

- Oh shit, that was inspired by

that astrologer guy that I went

to in the East village, remember him?

- Baby, no more of these sappy songs.

We're a rock and fucking roll band,

not this John tit-Fucking Tesh shit.

- Just something I'm tinkering with, okay?

- I'd love for you to tinker (mumbles).

Isn't that enough?

No more shitty elevator music talk tonight, okay?

- God, all right, all right.

- I'm gonna go play with the girls,

baby, come on, bitches.

- Later!

- Later, Dexie.

Watch out, red hot twat coming through!

- What's up with you, girlfriend, huh?

How do you know this scallywag?

- It's quahog to you actually.

- What the fuck's a quahog?

- Actually it's a large clam-like mollusk

native to the New England region.

- So what?

How the fuck do you know that?

- Oh, well our families used to

summer together in Newport.

- Oh really?

Oh Dex, you hobnobber you.

I always knew you were a closet clammer.

Why don't you use those talents

and skills on Fiona a bit, huh?

- Ouch, that's gotta hurt.

- Speaking of Fi, is she coming tonight?

- I don't think Miss Fiona--

- Hey lover.

- Will be coming tonight.

- Am I missing something?

- As usual, darling.

- Oh boy, you're in one of those moods tonight.

- Maybe I am.

Hey, this is my friend Sonya.

- Hi.

Nice to meet you.

- Enchante.

Aren't you a darling.

And I love your perfume, Chanel, right?

- Yeah.

- I'm wearing the same.

And Max, what are you wearing?

- Dial soap!

- No no no, Max, one of these days

I'm gonna have to give you a makeover.

- Anyway, Sonya's gonna be staying

with us for a little while.

- Oh great, well we can talk later

'cause I spend a lot of time at

Dex's place too.

- One big happy family!

(barking and meowing)

- My cue to leave, ciao!

Dex, send me a drink over.

- You betcha, Coco.

Can I get you guys anything?

- Oh God, beer please.

- Sounds good.

- Cheap dates.

- Hey!

- Dex, go get the beers, I'll take our little

buddy Sonya around, meet some of the crew.

- I don't know if I like this (mumbles) unholy alliance.

- Right this way, girl.

- This is my casino bro Gino,

Gino, this is Dex, he owns this mackerel tank here.

- Nice to meet you.

- What's going on, dude?

- Hey, Gino was just telling me

about this new casino website.

They have nude photos of all the players.

- Good score.

Combining your two passions, porn and poker.

- Yeah, I know, isn't that fucking cool man?

Vegas without the travel.

- So that's what I'll be doing in New York.

- Whoa.

That is way fucking cool, way to go girl!

- Thanks.

- Haikus, huh?

- [Sonya] Yeah.

- What the fuck is a haiku?

- It's a three line poem with

special rules meant to convey

a specific thought or image.

Well enough about me.

Fiona, tell me about you.

- Moi?

Well obviously I'm French.

I've lived in New York for three years

and I work at an art gallery downtown.

Which is where I met sexy Dexie.

He came in to buy a painting one day

and it's been downhill ever since.

- Anyway, we gotta get ready for

our second set, baby.

- That's right.

MaxiTit is gonna rock the clam house tonight!

Yeah!

- See you after the show.

A lesbo is a person in your neighborhood!

Hit the music!

(bass guitar music)

♫ Girl, a girl's got it all on the ball

♫ Thems chickens are finger licking good

♫ You know the harder they come, the harder I fall

♫ Thems chickens are finger licking good

♫ Groovy girls, oh my God, they're the bomb

♫ Thems chickens are finger licking good

♫ Baby we're (mumbles) all night long

♫ Thems chickens are finger licking good

♫ 'Cause we love chicks

♫ We love them chickens

♫ We love chicks

♫ 'Cause they're finger licking good, yeah

- They're really good.

What kind of music is this?

- Twat music.

♫ I wanna cluck you

(cheering)

♫ 'Cause they're finger licking good

♫ 'Cause they're finger licking good

(cheering)

♫ A lesbo is a person in your neighborhood

♫ She's in your neighborhood, she's in your neighborhood

♫ Yeah a lesbo is a person in your neighborhood

♫ The people that you meet each day

♫ I said won't you please, please won't you be

♫ Please won't you be my neighbor

♫ A lesbo is a person in your neighborhood

♫ The people that you meet each day

♫ A lesbo is a person in your neighborhood

♫ She's in your neighborhood, she's in your neighborhood

♫ The people that you meet

♫ When you're walking down the street

♫ She's the people that you meet each day ♫

(applause)

- [Natasha] Don't spit on my girlfriend, bitch!

(mumbles) take you home baby!

- What, a standing ovation for me?

- I'm tired and on the verge of deafness.

I'm going home, you don't mind do you?

- This is a little song about not (mumbles).

- No no no, it's okay, I've got Sonya.

You just stay here and do the boss thing.

Go mingle, go, I'll take care of everything, go.

- Don't worry, Dex.

I'm in good hands with Fiona.

- Thanks Fiona, I owe you one.

- You owe me more than one, big guy.

- Well if you're still horny when

you get home, call me over and do me, okay?

Goodnight, big guy.

- Wow.

♫ No mittens, baby

♫ No mittens in the pool

♫ No mittens, baby, no mittens in the pool

♫ Say what

♫ Limping is better, you're like everyone else

♫ Despite what you're feeling, put it all on the shelf

♫ 'Cause I said limping is better

♫ It causes less drama

♫ Despite what you're feeling, I beat (mumbles)

- So what's up, Dex?

Uh oh, I remember that look, what's going on?

- I was just watching you out there dancing

and I forgot that wild side and I was wondering

if you were game for this month's dinner.

- Oh I got game.

The question is whether you can hang or not.

- Oh I can hang, I'm just the man for the job.

- We shall see, boy.

Oh wow.

- We shall see.

- Yes, boss.

- And don't you forget it.

Now I need to get back over there,

give me this, give me this!

♫ I mean hey, what do you think I am

♫ A typewriter

♫ No mittens in the pool

♫ No mittens, baby

♫ No mittens in the pool

♫ No mittens, baby

♫ No mittens in the pool

♫ No mittens, baby

♫ No mittens in the pool

♫ No mittens in the pool ♫

(cheering)

♫ Thems chickens are finger licking good

♫ 'Cause we are chicks, girl ♫

- I'm sorry, baby.

You were so fucking hot.

- No, you were.

- Who was that red-haired hermaphrodite

that was staring at you the whole time?

- Oh baby, (mumbles), she wanted my chili.

- I want your chili.

- (mumbles) to you!

- Not tonight, baby.

- No, you were.

- Give me that ass, yes!

- Look, there's, look, Sonya's sleeping in our nook.

- [Natasha] Come on baby, I wanna get laid!

- We can't sleep here tonight, we gotta go to our room.

- That sucks, no TV, no porn!

- Shhh!

- [Natasha] I need hot porn for my hot lady!

- [Max] You don't need porn, let's get you to bed.

- All right all right, that's more my style, Xena.

- Look at how cute she is, look look!

- I don't like virgins, you know that.

I love spicy spicy pie!

- Oh my God.

- Aw, that's sweet.

That's sweet, mommy.

You're sweet, mommy, now you come

spank bad bad girl!

Come spank the bad girl!

- [Max] Shhh, be quiet!

- [Natasha] Goodnight, Sonya!

(alternative rock music)

- Holy shit, am I dreaming?

Wow!

You're a godsend, this is great!

- I hope I didn't wake you with

all the noise and everything.

- Oh no no no, don't be silly, don't be silly,

I always get up early, you know?

Do some yoga, right?

- I can leave you in peace.

- No, stop it, stop it, sit!

Let's scoff down some food,

we can chat more calmly now.

So what time did you leave last night?

- I don't know, around midnight I think.

Fiona took me home and got me settled.

- Oh cool.

So what'd you think, huh?

Of the club last night.

I mean a little overwhelming, huh?

- It was interesting.

- The antics of the Clam Club can

be a little bit out there.

- Out is a good word.

(laughing)

It's not music I usually listen to or anything,

but I really liked your songs, especially the one

about the chicken?

- Oh yeah yeah yeah, that's Thems Chickens!

That's like our anthem, that's our signature song.

- So how did you come up with the name of your band?

- MaxiTit, oh well that's a combination

of both of our names, so Maxie is me obviously

and then tit is an abbreviation for Tasha Ivana Thorpe.

MaxiTit.

I mean of course there's a double meaning, but...

- Of course.

(laughing)

Oh hey Dex, your magic shake is ready

for you in the thermos in the fridge.

- Who are you?

What is this?

Who broke into our apartment and made this smorgasbord?

- Yo, snap out of it Dex!

Sonya rock and rolled us some breakfast and shit.

- I see.

It appears our little grasshopper

has been a very busy bee.

- What the hell are you doing up so early?

- I have no idea, I think Fiona put a hex on me.

So what does one do at such an ungodly hour?

- Well I've got an audition for

a freakin' granola commercial.

- I'm gonna meet my faculty adviser at NYU.

- So it sounds like I'm not missing anything by sleeping in.

- God, you're such a loser.

Sonya, if you wait, we can walk together.

- Oh yeah, that'd be great.

I'll just clean up a little.

- Oh don't be silly, that's what Dex is here for.

- Let's not rain on Sonya's enthusiasm.

Plus I don't know nothing 'bout doing no dishes.

- Suck it up!

Tasha can help you when she finally

drags her carcass out of bed.

Yo Sonya, can you give me three and a half minutes?

- Yeah.

- All right.

- It's all you.

- Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, a Korean deli exploded in here!

- More like a creative Korean girl.

- Oh my God, this is amazing!

Coffee even?!

Little Smurfette is definitely a keeper.

- Yeah, she's only been here one day

and already I can't imagine life without her.

- I second that, where's Max?

- Everybody left hours ago.

Get some food and get on the couch.

Show's about to start.

- I am one step ahead of you.

Clear some room, (mumbles).

- Watch the syrup.

Here comes The Grey Geezer.

- Fucking Matlock has all the answers.

- Man GoGo, I know I didn't drink

last night, but I still feel wasted.

- That's because you are out of practice, my dear.

- Oh fuck you, I am not out of practice!

Girl, you know I still got it going on.

- Okay, maybe.

But it's where you're going that's worrying me, okay?

I don't know why you are wasting

your time with Dex. - Oh good God.

- No, listen to me, don't get me wrong,

I love Dex, he's my boy, I love him to pieces.

But hello, the point is here you guys broke up.

So it's really time for you to start moving on.

- Thank you, and I know we broke up.

Shit, I'm the one who kicked his ass out remember?

- Yes I remember.

- But still there's always hope he can

come around and realize what we had.

- Oh come on Ana, he quit on you, okay?

He had zero motivation.

He went slacker on you and shit, come on!

- GoGo, I can't just turn my back on that kind of love.

I can't, and it's not over until the snake says so.

(phone rings)

- I guess I will get that.

Hello, (mumbles) Lawfirm.

Oh yeah, hold on.

It's that slumlord Stat or something,

he is demanding to speak to you.

- Demanding, huh?

Let his ass wait, so anyway, as I was saying

I think you're probably right, I don't know,

but I love you for caring.

- That is what I am here for, my love.

Now answer that phone.

- [Dex] Hurry up, wrenches, we need our food!

- Hell yeah!

- [Natasha] Eat me, bozos!

- [Sonya] Dessert is served.

- Those who are about to eat salute you.

- Oh my God, Sonya, this is the balls!

- This dessert is yummy to my tummy.

- Fuck that, it's orgasmic, man.

I can't believe this shit, what is this called?

- I call it my Korean bento box.

- I have no had black box this great

since I went down on (mumbles) Brown.

- [Max] No you didn't.

- Mmmm.

- [Max] Ew!

- [Natasha] It was sweet.

- Ew, you didn't!

You're sick, you're sick, you know what?

- Sonya, I gotta say, you give great head.

- [Sonya] Thanks.

- Abso-fucking-lutely man, my legs are all tingly.

- I grab another and another and another and another.

- You're so insatiable.

- Okay, well I'm gonna head back

to my room and relax with the giraffe.

(phone rings)

- Oh shit, fuck fuck fuck!

Hello?

Hey Fi!

Oh that sucks.

Okay, no, actually I haven't seen Dex.

Oh, okay.

All right, bye.

She's on her way man.

I...

- No, it's okay, you did your best.

I'll just go do my tongue exercises.

- Shit shit, I gotta go, the band starts in 15 minutes!

Lovie, please please can I talk you into going, please?

- I want to go so bad, but I'm spent, honey.

I really, I've gotta chill tonight.

- Fucking you always wanna chill lately.

I'm so sick of that shit!

- Not here, God.

Let me walk you...

To the door.

God.

I guess I'm getting (door slams)

off on the bento box alone tonight, Jesus.

- Wow, cool video.

- [Max] Yeah, that's a student film

that Dex and I did, remember?

Hello?

Earth to Dex, hello!

Dex!

- Huh?

Oh, sorry.

I was just thinking about this

comment, this crack my parents made

about me living a glorified eurotrash existence.

- (laughs) That's funny, was that Carl who said that?

Goddamn Dex, your parents are so cool.

- Totally.

- Everyone's parents are cool to other people,

but when they're your own parents

there's just too many bad memories.

Horrible haircuts, ugly school clothes.

I mean come on Max, even you have

to have bad memories growing up

in that commune on Key Largo.

- It was Key Biscayne doofus, and it wasn't

a commune, it was a bed and breakfast.

- Yeah whatever, granola girl.

- Come on, Dex, your parents love you.

They respect you.

Even my parents like you, why else would

they let you babysit me?

- (laugsh) You babysat her?!

Oh shit, that is too funny.

- [Sonya] Dex was the coolest babysitter ever!

He taught me how to go commando people

and we went TPing, we made crank phone calls.

- You're gonna make me pee my pants!

Stop it, stop it, oh my God.

- Yeah, those were the days before caller ID.

Should I tell her about your pink DayGlo

bunny rabbit pajamas with matching

slipper socks and optional bunny ears?

- Stop exaggerating, there were no bunny ears.

- Yeah, she wore 'em, she was 14 years old.

Do you still have that outfit?

- Shut up.

(speaking French)

- Fucking tools can't ever make up their mind.

I have a massive headache and I'm

stressed out beyond belief.

Dex, I need sex.

Please Dex, come to the bedroom

right now, I need you more than ever.

Please.

Hi everyone.

- Hi.

- Hi, Fi.

- Max, I'll give 100 bucks if you

go in there and service the queen bee.

- I think this is a job for Bumble Dex.

- Sonya?

The offer's good for you too.

- I wouldn't know what to do.

- That makes two of us.

Yea, though I walk through the

valley of the shadow of death,

I shall fear no evil.

I shall fear no evil, or Fiona's legs

are spread apart (mumbles).

- Oh my God! - Oh my God!

(clears throat)

- How was it?

- I'm sure you can imagine.

- Oh God, thankfully no I can't.

Yikes.

- [Natasha] I'm fucking wasted and

I think I'm gonna hurl.

- Oh shit, all right sweetie, I'm right behind you!

When did we get old enough to act like parents?

- When we started dating children.

- Bingo.

Goodnight.

Hang on sweetie, I'm coming!

- Such a great outfit.

- Thank you.

- How do you figure out what to put together?

I would never think of this, that's cool.

- No, this is just left over from

a video I did for The Village Furmen.

- Neat, what did you play?

- Your run-Of-The-mill video skank.

(laughing)

- So it was fun?

- [Max] Yeah.

- Oh, I have that Emily Dickinson

poetry book I was telling you about.

The one with all the English language (mumbles).

- Oh good, thank you.

- [Sonya] It's one of my favorites.

- [Max] Right on.

Oh my God, I've really been wanting

to get more into stuff like this.

- Oh yeah?

- Yeah.

- I actually caught this street performer

reading one of her poems out loud.

- How'd you arrange that?

- I didn't, I just stumbled upon

her and she was hanging out around school,

I guess just trying to impress

some of the students or something.

- Wow.

- [Sonya] Yeah, (mumbles).

- Fucking aye, that's cool.

You gotta let me see that sometime.

- Oh, well anytime, I have it all at the loft.

In fact I have some other tapes and poems

that I think you might really be into.

- Yeah, show me all you got, girlfriend.

- Sure if you're gonna teach me how

to play the guitar a little.

- Oh yeah, well I ain't no T-Dog,

but I can teach you a few licks.

- Cool!

- [Natasha] Hey bitches.

- Hey now.

- Hey sugar britches, you're late.

- Serious fucking hangover, I feel like ass.

- Bible study last night?

- Fuck you, bitch.

What's up, Dom?

Where's Max?

- I thought she was with you.

- [Voiceover] Yeah.

- No.

Where are the dancers? - What's up with that shit?

- God, those fucking bitches are so unreliable.

Princess.

Fuck, let's rock, let's rock, all right.

One, two, three, four.

(bass heavy rock music)

- Hey, Scott!

- Hey wait, you got a little something.

(laughing)

How you doing man?

- Gets me every time with that.

- Good to see you.

- [Dex] What's going on with the books?

- We got a problem.

- Bad?

- [Scott] It's real bad.

- Fucking those brakes, you guys,

we need to be tight (mumbles) some shit.

Let's just play right.

- Hey guys, sorry I'm late.

- Girl, it's not cool to make (mumbles) waiting.

- Bite me, slick.

- Chill, fucking chill, let's just play, okay?

- Okay.

- One, two, three.

(bass and electric guitar music)

♫ I move straight from dreams

♫ 'Till I've seen your world

♫ Caffeine and nicotine seems to do me good

♫ 'Cause I'm the mad scientist like Jekyll and Hyde

♫ Searching for a balance (mumbles) with my pride

- RC, I need to talk to you about

a $5,000 shortfall in this month's deposits.

- Oh shit, hey, I can explain that.

Remember last week, I told you

about my credit card bills?

I just must've forgot to write it down in the book.

- Yeah, you must have.

You also must have forgotten to ask for the loan.

- Oh, no no no no, I remember, okay?

Last Thursday I said I had to pay

my American Express bill?

Maybe you forgot or something.

- That's bullshit, you didn't ask.

- No biggie.

- No biggie, okay, how about this?

You make another snafu and you're out on your ass.

From now on everything goes in the books!

Is the line of communication clear

enough for you, RC?

Do I need to tattoo it to your forehead?

E-mail you, do you have a computer?

- I got an e-mail address, remember that casino site?

- Shut the fuck up.

- All right, it won't happen again, I promise.

I swear on Mickey Rourke, okay?

- Whatever, I don't have time for this shit.

♫ 'Cause I'm a mad scientist like Jekyll and Hyde

♫ Searching ♫

- Stop, stop, stop!

It fucking sounds like shit!

- What is your problem?

- You know what my problem is?

If you would fucking be not into

your Enya garbage and spend a little

more time with us, then maybe we

would be fucking rocking.

- God, we are not having this fucking argument again, okay?

- Fine, whatever.

You know what, we're done for today.

Done for today!

- Come on, let's take a walk!

- [Natasha] Fuck it!

- Goddammit, see you tomorrow everyone.

Fuck.

- Score!

A table by the bongos, nothing like a

little dinner and drums.

- God, there are bongos in this grunge pit?

Dex, where in the world did you find this dump?

- I bring all my babes here.

- I have never been in here.

- Oh, well I mean not all my babes.

- Ha ha, very funny.

Here.

What's good to eat in this dump,

I can't read anything.

- Don't you worry, I know exactly

what you like and where.

- Keep talking, Dex.

That's what you do, talk.

King of the mental masturbaters.

You know you're a legend in your own mind.

- Ouch.

Low blow, waitron, we're gonna need

a couple sakes over here quickly.

Thanks.

- So Dex, still drifting through life on that

old raft with Fifi blowing in the wind?

- Well first of all, my raft is not old

and secondly, Fiona's not big on blowing.

- Fiona?

Well you weren't a big fan of that anyway.

- Well you were a fan of that.

And this--

- You know what, I'm tired of

this sex game shit, Dex.

Life is not a game.

- But there is a game called Life.

- We're not playing that game right now Dex,

you know what, money may have made

it easy for you to drift through life,

but some of us had to get our hands

dirty, mix it up a little, that's my life.

Your life has no necessity, just avenues of

diversions, and you know what I'm not

your diversion or your plaything, okay?!

- Waitron, we're gonna need those sakes now!

Please!

- The best part about fighting,

right baby, making up after.

- Yeah.

But let's not, I'm sorry Sonya who

once again has whipped up this kickass meal.

- Sonya, you rock, you're the boss, man.

A Korean dream.

- Yeah Sonya, thanks muchly.

(door slams)

- [Fiona] Hey gals!

What a day, I'm starved.

Oh great, who made dinner?

- Sonya did.

- Oh wow, Sonya, how very sweet.

So what did I miss, don't stop dishing on my account.

- Nothing, we were just talking

about our tour that kicks off tomorrow.

- Oh really, where are you going?

- Some colleges in Pennsylvania, upstate New York.

- Yeah, we're gonna rock those

hicks 'till their dicks pucker up.

- Yeah baby!

- So how long are you guys gonna be gone for?

- About a week.

- Where's Dex?

- He's out at dinner with Ana.

- (mumbles) that fucking snake

girl still has a spell on Dex.

It's like they never broke up,

I don't know what he ever saw in the ice cold bitch.

- Love does strange things to the heart, Fi.

- I mean it's hard to believe, but Dex used

to make me squeal on a moment's notice.

I mean we had such extraordinary sex.

We used to do it all the time.

In the morning, in the shower, on this very table.

- Okay.

- [Fiona] In the morning (mumbles) back.

- Calm down, okay.

Have an egg roll please.

- I don't need an egg roll!

I need dick roll!

I need a good fuck like no one's business!

I mean sex is such a crucial part of life, you know?

I really need to get off.

- I could not live without great,

gnarly, toe-curling sex.

- Fuck it if they can't bring the noise, huh?

- And the funk, bitch.

- All right, all right, now listen skank sisters,

I'm sorry, but sex is not the most

important thing in a relationship, hello.

- Say what?

- Yeah, say what?

- It's just a piece.

I mean come on.

- You're a great bit tasty piece of pussy.

(playful growl)

Yummy pussy.

- Yeah, but that's not what makes

our relationship whole, you know,

is the intimacy, right?

There's so many other things.

The day to day...

- I'm sorry baby, but sex is really fucking

important and with us really fucking great.

- I don't really get it.

- We know you're not getting any.

- Funny, but what I'm saying is...

Don't you ever just miss a good dicking?

- No, baby I've had good dick.

It doesn't even compare to a great lesbo licking.

- Really, how?

- Women know women better than

any man ever could, their bodies,

their soft spots, their sweet spots,

their oh my God, drive you wild, take me to Heaven spots.

- You don't say.

- I do say.

Dick has its purpose, but that's what

strap-ons and big dildos are for.

You know what you need to do is

talk a walk on the lesbo side.

Come and experience the girliness.

- I wish it were that easy, but I'm just

a big cock and hairy balls kind of gal.

(laughing)

- Sonya, you've been really quiet

through all this, I mean what do you think?

- Oh, well I don't really know,

I mean I'm not really as experienced

as you guys, so...

Well...

I guess I've always had a little

more of the dream of the romantic thing.

Hand holding and cuddling and walks in the rain

and rose pedals on the bed kind of thing.

Sorry.

- Oh no, don't be sorry for being honest.

That was beautiful.

- Well I think you've got a lot

of living to do, darling.

- Yeah, fuck the roses.

Give me the thorns, okay?

When you get a good fucking you give me a call, baby.

- (mumbles) stop it.

- Don't flick me, bitch.

- That is so crude.

- Rawr, cat fight, what'd I miss?

- Oh we were just talking about

great sex and male shortcomings.

Oh relax, your name only came

up about six or seven times.

- What luck.

- I'm gonna go get cigs, anyone need anything?

- [Fiona] Yeah, I'll come with, Tash.

They have (mumbles) there, right?

- Do you guys need help cleaning up?

- No no no.

What's up?

You seem really stressed.

- It's a typical post Ana hangover,

she gave to me with both barrels tonight.

- Why don't you go take a shower, Dex.

Sonya and I can handle this.

- Yeah, go shower, we can handle this.

- Okay, you can handle this.

- Look, Sonya, I'm sorry if you

felt uncomfortable tonight.

Fiona and Tash can get pretty hardcore,

especially when Fiona's not getting any, you know?

- But I thought she had sex last night.

- Well I guess it didn't hit the spot, you know?

- It didn't bother me, I just...

Didn't wanna get in the way or anything.

- Oh come on, you're part of our little family now.

I mean for better or for worse.

I just want you to know that you

can talk to me about anything.

Really, I mean that.

I like you.

I think we're gonna be close

for a very long long time.

I don't know, I just sense a connection between us.

- Really?

- Really.

- That means a lot to me.

- [Fiona] Well.

I see you are putting my yellow fellow to good use.

Listen Dex, what's going on here?

Why are we always arguing?

- I don't know, we just seem to

be moving in different directions.

- That's not a good situation.

I really like you.

I used to enjoy you, I mean really

really enjoy you, but...

- But?

- I don't know, I don't want to continue like this.

I want some passion in my life.

Some excitement, some nightlife like we used to have.

I don't mean the super lesbo clam hut

muffler thing you always tied me to.

- Yeah, I see what you mean,

things kinda suck right now.

- What do you want to do?

- Honestly Fi, I'm on empty.

- You're on empty, what does that mean?

- It means that I like you, I respect you,

I lust after you, but...

I don't know, I just, I seem to be drifting aimlessly.

- I think I'm going to sleep at my place tonight.

Okay honey?

- [Dex] Okay.

Well this sucks.

- Yes, but I don't want to end up

hating or resenting you, okay?

So I'm gonna get going now.

- I don't know if it's all the

friction from the draft here or

you being sensitive, but I think

the Eiffel Tower's open for business.

- So it is.

Well maybe I'll just take one last

look around the ol' Tower.

- If you insist.

(giggling)

♫ Love lies

♫ Love lies

♫ Lies

♫ Love lies ♫

(phone rings)

- Matlock, you're so smart it hurts.

Really.

Hello?

- Hey where the fuck have you been, hoser?

- Mom?

- Oh real fucking funny, man.

What have you been doing?

- Just an estrogen detox.

- Huh?

- You know, a break from women.

Natasha and Max are on tour,

Sonya's in Washington, and Fiona and

I are taking a break.

- Oh shit man, that reminds me.

I met this chick last night,

she was un-fucking-believable.

- All right, before you start one

of your fish tales, my parents are

coming in today, so I won't be partaking.

- Oh bummer man.

But you know--

- Shit, is that clock right?

I gotta go, all right?

My parents are coming here any minute.

- Hey!

- Surprise!

- Hey!

♫ Don't cry for me, Argentina ♫

- Shut up already!

- Miss me?

- Yeah, a lot.

Hey dad, how's it going?

- I like what you've done with

the place, I really do.

- Thanks Pops, thanks Pops.

Still got some internet porn here.

- I see honey, that's great.

Let's go outside, it's the most

beautiful day, (mumbles) wanna go frolic.

- You're gonna frolic!

- Come on, let's go frolic. - Go frolic!

- Is that illegal?

If we frolic together?

- It's not against the law if

you're over 18, now let's go!

♫ People, people who need people ♫

(mock singing)

- My chicken vindaloo tastes like chicken.

It's a nice break from cooking, right?

- I love cooking.

It's just so expressive and relaxing

and sensual, you know?

I just feel more alive when I'm cooking,

all the creating and preparing.

- You little minx, who's the guy?

- Guy, what guy?

- The one that has you feeling

all girly and giddy.

- You're crazy, there's no guy.

- Soooo my little grasshopper has

fallen under the spell of the Max attack.

- Oh my God, what are you talking about?

Come on.

Is it that obvious?

- You're practically smitten.

- Oh my God, you can tell?

God, I'm so embarrassed.

I'm so confused.

I don't know what I'm doing or

what I'm trying to do.

Dex, you have to help me.

- Well you realize I know less about love

and dating than practically any man alive,

but I think I learned somewhere that

you should think with your heart

and act with your mind.

- Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?

- Probably, I got it off a fortune cookie I think.

- You're giving me fortune cookie philosophy?

Come on, this is real her!

I don't know what to do, I've never had

feelings like this for a woman.

- Really?

Not even in college?

Late night drunken sorority escapade

with your best friend cuddling and kissing,

you know, every man's co-ed fantasy?

- No, never, not once.

I just, I'm not a lesbian.

Am I?

I don't think I am.

I mean I don't know what goes

where with a woman, or who does what,

and what will my parents say?

Oh my God, I mean I--

- Okay, okay, I'm not gonna give

you a lesbian aptitude test tonight, all right?

I promise.

- Yeah, I'm fine, I'm calm.

- So what has you so attracted?

- Are you kidding?

Oh my God, Max is so great.

I mean she's creative and intelligent

and sensitive and she's got this

positive outlook on life.

- Listen, I got a question for you, all right?

Very serious question.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lick-a-lot-o-puss!

(laughing)

- Come on, Dex!

- I love that one.

- Didn't you learn anything from

dating Ana or Fiona?

- Yeah, what I learned from dating

Ana was that she is intense, she's very intense

and I'm laid back.

- No!

- I mean listen, Ana was setting up

her practice, she was leaving the

DA's office, I was bored with advertising,

wanted to open the bar which she

thought was childish, imagine that.

So I learned the hard way the dark side of intensity.

Every day was a knockdown, drag out fight

and she was Muhammad Ali.

I was Pee Wee Herman.

(goofy laugh)

- Sounds like you loved each other.

Isn't that what you said about Fiona,

that she was too intense?

Maybe you just have this problem

with intimacy, this fear about

settling down and commitment and

family and this I want you babe thing.

- Ah what you do you know, lesbo.

- [Natasha] Bitches!

- [Max] Hey!

Hey hey, Max is back, babies!

What up, Dex!

Hey Sonya, missed me?

- Hey.

- Hey Sonya, hey big fag.

Miss me on the couch?

- Well you know Matlock was strangely empty.

No panache, no witty comebacks, nothing.

- I miss that bastard.

We'll be back to normal tomorrow.

I gotta go by my place, pick up my

shit and get some clean clothes.

- All right sweetie, let me walk you to the door.

- I'll take care of this.

- Hey, let me help you guys with that.

- Oh no no, we got it.

- Yeah, sure we do.

- Quiet.

- Okay, um, did I miss something?

- Oh let me see, I survived a weekend

with my parents, Fiona and I decided

to take a break, (mumbles) getting taller,

you know, the usual stuff.

- Oh shit, I'm sorry.

God, you guys finally decided to call it quits?

- Yeah, but it was actually very mature and honest.

Foreign territory for me.

- Yeah, weLl it doesn't mean it hurts any less.

- Surprisingly not.

I didn't know I cared so much.

- God, well you never do until it's over.

You wanna grab some BJs, sit and talk?

- Nah, thanks.

I'm spent.

Plus I got a comfy giraffe waiting for me in there.

- No, you got custody of the giraffe?!

- [Dex] I sure did.

- You go!

- Listen, I wanna hear all about the trip

tomorrow and your birthday party on Friday

is all set, I'll tell you the details later.

(loud bang)

Goodnight, gals.

- Night, thanks Dex for everything.

- [Dex] Yeah.

- Hey kiddo, take it easy on that giraffe!

(playful moaning noises)

Oh God.

Son, stop.

Stop, stop!

Come on.

Talk to me!

- So good trip?

- Yeah, yeah, it was great.

- He's gonna be all right, right?

- Oh yeah, he always bounces back, he's Gumby, damn it.

How are you doing, huh kid?

- Pretty good.

- Yeah, you look good.

- Thanks.

You look good too.

- Oh get out of here, I look like shit.

Fuck, a week on the road?

God did I miss your cooking.

Hey, but I love that book.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Oh, that's great!

I had a feeling that you might really connect with it.

- You were right on, I could not put it down.

It was weird because as I was reading it,

I heard the words in your voice.

As if you were there reading it to me.

- Wow, really?

- Yeah.

- No one's ever said that to me before.

- Yeah, no, it was a first for me too.

- I mean I thought about you a lot

as well after listening to your music.

It hit me in such a powerful, passionate way.

I mean so deeply.

- Well now it's my turn to say...

Wow.

- You have a gift for expressing

yourself in such a profound way,

I mean I wish I had the ability

to communicate with such confidence.

- Sonya, stop.

Don't you dare sell yourself short.

You are subtle, but a very intense girl.

Your dock is gonna rock!

I mean seriously, I could not

get you out of my mind.

- I hope it wasn't...

I hope it was okay to say all that.

I'm just really nervous right now.

- Oh no no no no, Sonya, no.

It was beautiful.

Perfect.

- Well I should probably go to bed,

I feel a little, a lot uncomfortable.

- Look, we just expressed some

tender feelings that's all.

Exposed our undies a little bit.

I mean let things simmer.

Just let things go the way they're gonna go.

I gots to get to bed, I am spent.

- Max.

Thanks for making it not so uncomfortable.

- Night, Emily.

♫ And that there's something I don't trust about you

♫ Exactly what it is, well I don't know for sure

♫ But I'll figure it out as I head for the door

♫ So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, get out of here

♫ Adios, goodbye, in Hell you're gonna fry

♫ Should've left this morning

♫ Should've left a long time ago

(loud clatter)

- Oh shit, boss.

What's up?

- I just got back from the bank,

found out you withdrew $2,500.

- Oh shit.

I meant to tell you about that.

It was an emergency, man.

- Man, you call me with every pathetic

pickup line and you don't have

time to tell me about this?

Just get out.

Get outta here.

- Hey man, you're blowing this way out of proportion.

- RC, I can't trust you anymore.

When I can't trust you, there's nothing left.

- You're just being a wuss right now, you know?

- It's not about being a wuss.

It's about being honest or not,

and the fact is you're a liar,

a fraud, and fucking racist!

Get out of my goddamn bar,

or so help me God you'll regret

it the rest of your fucking life.

Get out!

- Fuck you.

♫ So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, get out of here

♫ Adios, goodbye

- The fuck you looking at?

♫ In Hell you're gonna fry

♫ So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen

- (mumbles) ♫ Get out of here

♫ Adios, goodbye, in Hell you're gonna fry

♫ Should have left this morning

♫ Should have left a long time ago

♫ Should have left this morning

♫ I should have left

♫ This is your reality check

♫ This is your reality check

♫ This is your reality check

♫ Should've left a long time ago ♫

- Happy birthday to me.

Happy birthday.

- Hey!

Cut it out!

(laughing)

- Just wanna share the flavors (mumbles).

- Hey!

There's not gonna be any left for the party.

- Aw shit, look at the time, I gotta get ready.

- What are you gonna wear?

- Patients, dumpling, you're gonna love it.

(laughs) It's so good.

Plus I got a surprise for you.

- Really?

- Mmmhm.

- Do tell.

- Don't you know the meaning of the word surprise?

Girl, trust me, you're gonna love it.

All right then, later.

- Only 'cause it's your birthday.

(oven bell buzzes)

(hip hop party music)

(speaking French)

- What are you wearing?

- A thong.

Oh Dex.

So (mumbles) sexy.

I like it.

And is this for me?

- Who knows for whom the bell tolls.

- It tolls for me and shit.

- Hey (mumbles).

- And if you were truly a writer

like Hemingway, I'd let you ring my bell.

- Ah, the snake girl.

- Easy there, escar-ho.

It's snakes like me that eat mice

like you for breakfast.

Or shall I say déjeuner?

- Well then eat this.

- Come on Dex, I think you need

to back up, honey, 'cause it's about

to get busy up in here with you.

- Sounds like fun, really it does.

Why don't we all just chill a little

bit and partake in a libation.

- Oh good God, libate this, Dex.

(speaking French)

- I don't know how you ever fucked

that vile reptile.

- Well we tried missionary position

a couple times, but it just didn't work out.

- Well you know what, it's no longer my problem.

I'm just gonna take this drink and you come

find me when you are good and horny, okay?

Ciao.

- Hey, skank.

Happy birthday. - Ana, baby!

Oh thanks!

You make it!

- Of course, bushwacker.

- That's right, that's me baby.

- It girl.

- All right.

(laughing)

- Lumberjack!

Welcome to the party!

Okay, great.

- I got something for you.

- Really?

All right, well I don't want to

take your last bottle.

Right, okay.

- GoGo, get that fine mocha ass over here!

- Hello to you, girlfriend.

- Yeah, give me a taste!

- Excuse me, you hos are wrong.

I thought you were saving your sugar for me.

- Oh Ana, come on baby, loosen up.

What do we say?

Shake that thing, come on, Ana Ana,

shake that thing, come on, Ana Ana.

- Right on girls, we need some Jello shots.

- Bring it on, birthday girl!

- Whatever, bring it on, Jello shots!

- Hey!

California's at least 3,000 miles away, buddy.

Okay, okay, right, yeah.

All right, Billy, it's okay, it's okay.

- All right, yo yo yo!

What's up, you slags!

Woohoo!

All right, I just wanted to thank you all for coming.

Since I got you all here, why don't I

bust out a little ditty that I wrote

while we were on our kickass road trip.

This one goes out to Emily Dickinson.

♫ So poetry and grace have found me

♫ Willed into my way with a whisper

♫ Brought breezily from a silent sea

♫ That touched my heart and woke me

♫ And poetry and grace have found me

♫ Healed me, touched me, warmed me

♫ Release me so I could see

♫ Me

♫ Healed me, touched me, warmed me

♫ Release me so I could be free

♫ Poetry and grace have found me

♫ Poetry and grace have found me ♫

(applause)

- Thank you, thank you, you guys rock, thanks.

All right, let's get this party rocking!

Play that funky music, white boy!

Yo, it's my birthday!

- What the fuck was that?

- T, it was just a little song I wrote.

- Bullshit, that was a love song to

that little Sonya twat, the whole fucking

party saw it, it was so obvious.

You were staring right at her.

- No it wasn't, I mean yeah it was based

on a book of poetry that she gave me.

But it's not...

- I can't believe that you would

wanna be with that pancake making virgin

over me, you fucking fucking bitch slut!

- Oh God, Tasha it's not like that, we are friends.

We're just friends, okay?

We just connect spiritually, that's all.

- Excuse me?!

You connect on a fucking spiritual level?!

How do you think that makes me feel?!

- I guess I don't know.

- Fuck it.

She's your soulmate.

You should be with her.

I guess I was just a little fucking doll to you.

I'm outta here.

Happy birthday, you fucking two-timing cunt.

- Are you cleaning?

- Yeah, I think so.

That what this is called?

Cleaning?

- Oh my God, I look like shit.

I'm just gonna grab a shower and get going, okay?

- What are you talking about, where are you going?

- I don't know, I'm just...

Gonna get cleaned up and take it from there.

- Come on, Pocahontas, listen things will

settle down, I know it's crazy right now.

Just, we'll be okay.

- I screwed everything up.

I just, I'm just gonna go to school

and try to get some work done.

Gotta do some thinking.

That okay with you, Pops?

- Okay.

When you get back we'll talk,

or I will be forced to wedgie you.

- You're such a goon.

You were like this when you babysat me.

- Yeah, you were just so much more naive then.

You thought I was rad.

Just goes to show you time heals ominous conceptions.

Come over here and give me some tongue.

Or love and tongue, whatever you're

comfortable with, you know I'm game.

Then again, I guess you are a lesbian.

(sobbing)

- That's not right, we got a shipment of liquor last week.

- I understand, but I went through

the inventory, the storeroom's empty.

- Fucking RC, I'm gonna kill him.

- It gets worse.

We went through your paperwork.

We were trying to tidy that up

a little and we found this.

Your insurance has expired.

- What are you talking about, that's impossible!

- I don't know what to tell you.

- Scott, you gotta help me get

out of this shit, you gotta, just help me

figure out how much RC fucked me for.

- Sonya?

There you are.

I was worried about you.

How are you?

- I'm okay.

I just went to the library.

- Oh.

- Max, I am really really sorry about all this,

I shouldn't have left my curiosity ruin your life, I mean--

- No no no no no, Sonya, no no, listen to me, okay?

This is important.

Listen, Tasha and I, we were moving

apart before you ever came here.

Really, I had no idea we were gonna

blow apart in front of our friends

like that, but hey, it's not your fault, okay?

The only good thing that's come out

of this mess is that we, you and me,

have really gotten to know each other well.

You have no idea how important that is to me.

Okay?

So no more talk about fault.

You didn't tell me you got ice cream.

- I'm just so sorry your birthday party was ruined.

- Yeah, I mean what are you gonna do, huh?

At least it was unforgettable, right?

- (laughs) Yeah.

- Yum.

I'm really glad you're here.

It's good to see you.

- You too.

- But he stole from you, plain and simple.

- How much we talking about roughly?

- [Scott] Taxes, hmm, probably...

60 grand.

In the next week or so.

Bank shows 1,400.

- $60,000.

- Yeah.

- $60,000, fuck!

Where am I gonna come up with $60,000 on such short notice?

- That's the question.

- Oh fuck.

I hate to do this to you, I gotta get

out of here, I gotta get some air.

I'm really sorry, I'm very sorry, Scott.

- Hey hey, I'll come with you.

I started smoking again.

Clean this up.

- [Dex] Higher primate coming through!

A pitcher of your finest kamikazes

and fresh horses for the men while

I still own this place.

- Are you sure you want more to drink?

- Abso-fucking-lutely, and (mumbles)

until they foreclose on me.

- [Voiceover] It's your liver.

- Bring it on!

Hey you, I'm talking to you.

- Hold on a second, I'll get you right now, sweetheart.

- No, call Ana.

Her number's in my phone, there's speed dial number five.

- Give me this, you don't need it.

(knocking)

- Hi.

- (mumbles).

- Some people just can't hold their liquor.

There's one drink.

- It's 'cause I'm nasty.

- Sonya, get a bucket, get a bucket.

- Get a bucket now!

- 'Cause I'm nasty.

- [Sonya] Max, he's in here!

- Who, Dex?

Ewww.

- At least he made it to the toilet this time.

- Yeah I guess.

- You know what, I'll take care

of it, you go back to sleep.

- Oh no, oh I wish I could help you.

I gotta go to the village and meet Tash

and figure out what's what.

- Oh, right.

Well I guess yeah, yeah, good luck with that.

- Yeah, okay.

I'll be back later and fill you in.

- Sure, yeah.

Okay.

I'll just get him to bed and I'll probably go to school.

- Okay, I gotta go.

- All right.

See ya.

- Why'd we have to do this so early?

- Got a lot of shit do, I just thought

it wasn't a good idea to keep putting this off.

- Trying to fit me in your schedule?

That sounds about right.

- [Max] Oh, right, is this how it's going to be?

Fine, why don't we just save some time

and we can make a list of all your

problems and shit that you have with me.

- I'm not rushed for time, Max,

I'm usually asleep at this hour.

I guess you must be in a rush to

see your Korean cookie for a little nookie.

- Nice, keep it up.

You know you're making this really

easy to just walk away.

- Who are you kidding, you've had one

foot out the door since we first met.

- What the fuck are you talking about?!

We have been dating, touring,

almost living together for a whole fucking year!

How much more commitment do you need?

- Physically you were always there,

but mentally you were somewhere else.

Looking for your spiritual soulmate.

Obviously it wasn't me and you just

were keeping me around as a temporary

thing until you found something better.

- That is the biggest fucking bunch

of horseshit I have ever heard!

I was there 100 fucking percent

for you, for the band, so don't fucking

make shit up, Tash!

- Making shit up?

Then what's all the Yanni music crap?

- I wanted to try something different musically, okay?

I wanted to explore the emotions,

the spirituality that I have felt

inside of me for a long time now.

And I tried to talk to you about it,

but all you wanted to talk about was

your dreams of become the next Joan Jett.

Those were never my dreams, Tash, ever.

But I supported it because I loved you.

- Yeah, I didn't realize that it

was such a sacrifice to love me.

- Oh God, give me a fucking break.

Don't you dare fucking play the

wounded kitten here.

- Fuck you, I am not playing the wounded kitten, okay?

But don't pull up all this bullshit that

you made so many sacrifices for

me and that you were suffering.

- All relationships involve sacrifices.

I know that.

I just, I don't understand why

my doing different things musically

was such a threat to you.

- We were partners.

That's our connection, the music.

We both need to be there 100%.

Or it fucking dies.

- I never saw it that way.

I saw us as the most important thing.

The band is cool, I mean it's fun.

But it's not everything, it's not everything

that makes us us, I mean...

- Well you never thought I was smart or spiritual.

That's what you have that Asian asshole for I guess.

- Fuck Tash, whoa, why are you

so threatened by my friendship with Sonya?

I mean come on.

You hang out with your lipstick lessies

and your bull dike posse, I mean the

whole fucking time, and that's not my scene.

But I don't say a word, man.

You don't hear me whining about it.

- Fuck you.

Okay, I am not whining.

I am stating my complaints.

And those "lessies" as you call

them happen to be our fans, our lifestyle,

and fucking pretty goddamn good friends.

- Fans, friends, fame.

Good for you.

- Go fuck yourself, you know that?

You're no better than me and you

are no better than them.

You are just another girl who likes

girls trying to make it in this world.

Another fucking twat trying to find her way.

No better, look me in the eye bitch,

no better, no worse than the rest of us.

So you hear me.

And you hear me good.

You're out.

Stay the fuck away from me.

Stay the fuck away from the band

while I pick up my shit at the loft.

You fucking fraud.

(knocking)

Knock knock, bitch is back in black!

- Hey, Tasha, get over here,

assume your position on the couch.

- All right, but I need sugar.

I need sugar in a bad way.

- I got sugar for you, baby.

- This fucking sucks, you know?

Just as the band was really starting to mesh.

We were really rocking, really coming together

for the first time, I mean why

does this shit always happen to me?

It's so fucking unfair.

- You know, it's interesting.

I guess sometimes it takes waking up

on the bathroom floor with dry hurl

on my face to see things clearly,

but I think you and I are dealing with an

organ here we have very little experience with.

- The penis?

- The heart.

I'm talking about being fucking vulnerable.

Being spiritually intimate.

Sometimes I feel like I push girlfriends away on purpose.

- I think it's my life that's falling apart,

so I have no fucking idea why we're

talking about your problems.

- I'm just trying to give you the

benefit of my pathetic experiences, all right?

I mean don't act like such a schmuck

like I did with Ana, it'll just make

things worse in the long run.

- That's great, but everyone and

their fucking mother knows that

you and Ana should be together.

- Could we leave my mother out of this please?

I mean look, I love Ana, I think she's amazing,

but she's just too intense.

She makes me feel too--

- Alive, right?

- Uncomfortable.

- [Natasha] Alive.

- Uncomfortable.

- Uncomfortably intimate.

For the first time in your life,

you need to be a man, or a serious bull dyke,

and go out and hunt Ana down, hunt and gather your woman.

Okay?

Go primal.

- Like neanderthal style, that's very PC, Janet Reno.

- Cro-Magnon then, whatever you prefer.

Like Captain Caveman, the cartoon, it's our favorite!

Go Caveman, go Caveman, go!

Go Caveman, go Caveman, go!

For the fucking first time in your

life get off your ass, man.

Get off your ass and go primal!

Stand up, do it, quit being a pussy!

- Captain Caveman!

- Louder!

- Captain Caveman!

- Louder, pound the chest!

(monkey noises)

Yes, yes!

Yes!

Trust me, you're gonna get laid

a lot easier that way.

- At least by Ana hopefully.

- [Natasha] What are you doing?

(MaxiTit rock music)

- It's a little compilation I put together.

- [Natasha] Do not, do not.

- The live performances by MaxiTit.

- I can't hear this shit right now.

- Like I said, just focus on the good times.

You guys had plenty of great times, so listen.

♫ Is that your definition, take it all away

♫ Take, take take take, take it all away

♫ Take, take take take, take it all away

♫ Take, take take take, take it all away

♫ What you got left at the end of the day

♫ Barbie is my role model, what a great fucking doll

♫ Now we're both made of plastic

♫ And she's really my path

♫ Neither of us have a thought of our own

♫ But we puckered up our lips and

♫ Guys wanna give us the bone

♫ You think you're all that, take it all away

♫ Is that your definition, take it all away

♫ Take, take take take, take it all away

♫ Take, take take take, take it all away

♫ Take ♫

- Why are you nervous, don't be nervous.

I showed you my stuff.

- Okay, all right, you're the inspiration, so...

Ready?

- I dreamt of blue eyes blinking

butterfly kisses against my cheek.

Crescent lips tickl-tick...

Crescent lips tickling smiles in my sleep.

Throaty laughs filling me down deep.

With a foreign flutter, I pray (mumbles) keep.

I think they call this love.

- That's great.

Wow.

- You like it?

- Yeah.

It's beautiful.

- Wow.

- What's so important you got your

lazy ass up off the couch today?

- Well that cocksucker RC embezzled

some money from me, I was hoping

you could help me sue his ass.

- Hell no!

No way, that dickless coward?

- Mmm.

- I told you, I told you, I said you

cannot be an absentee owner,

that way you always get screwed.

But that said, it'll be my pleasure to destroy him.

- I knew I could count on you, Ana,

thank you for the short I told you so speech.

- Yeah yeah.

I'm not that much of a bitch now, am I?

- No, just a little overprotective

in the alpha male sort of way.

So "Black Mamba" can I ask you a question?

- Sure.

- Are you happy?

- What do you mean am I happy?

What kind of question is that?

- It's the most important question

there is when you think about it,

except for paper or plastic.

- Oh, well since you put it that way, of course I'm happy.

I'm happy with my family, I'm happy with

my friends, I'm happy with my job.

I'm happy with my apartment.

I'm happy with my general overall direction in life.

- And?

- And I mean there's always room

for that special someone, the chance to

start a family, but...

- [Dex] But?

- But I can't control everything in my life.

It took a lot of pain and some time

to learn that lesson, but I learned it.

I do still feel a void there from time

to time, but I do the best with what I have.

- [Dex] So you're not happy?

- Of course I'm happy!

I mean what is your point?

- I've been doing a lot of thinking

lately and I realized I'm not happy.

I know I'm usually not very good

at expressing my feelings.

- Oh, you have feelings now?

- Apparently so.

Max and Tasha break up and the

inevitable end to my end with (mumbles).

- Fifi.

- [Dex] Fiona.

- Fifi.

- Made me realize how lifeless I've been.

Life was more, I felt more creative,

more alive when I had less money.

Life was more urgent, you know?

Guess that whole RC thing has brought it into focus.

Money sucks.

- That's your point?

Your point is that money sucks?

- No, my point is I'm tired of feeling numb.

- Oh my God, Dex.

- I wanna live with that fearlessness I had before

I made money, I don't wanna be, as my mom says,

"a passive observer in my own life" anymore.

- Well get up off your ass

and find something that-- - Just let me finish.

I wanna do a lot of this living,

loving, and learning with you.

- Do you know how long I've waited

to hear those words come from you?

But I'm not trying to be your rebound

thing just because you're lonely.

Now they say you're supposed to

bury the dead body from your old

relationship before you start a new one

and maybe that's what you should do.

Until then, you have the stinkin' stench

of a rotten dead frog all over you.

- The old stinky body, huh?

- The old stinky body.

- That's fair enough.

You know how I feel.

I'm willing to risk if the answer's no.

Just do me a favor, por favor?

Lower the armor slightly, let me sliver in?

Course after I do a little grave digging.

- Well anything's possible.

But I know I need a shower and

I'm feeling a little sweaty and

a little lightheaded after your outpouring.

Give me 15 minutes and we'll do lunch.

- That's something, I can still make you sweat.

- Should I bring the antacid?

- I don't know, Dex, are we stopping

at Taco Shack on the way?

- No.

Well maybe.

You might as well bring it anyway.

My mom's making some Bolivian fertility stew

in her never-ending quest for grandchildren.

- At least your parents will be geeked to see Ana.

- Geeked?

What are they teaching you at that rinky dinky college?

- Learning and shit.

- Learning and shit?

Great, you're speaking Maxese.

Your parents are gonna be thrilled.

- Hey!

Leave her be.

You know how much pressure she's

under with her parents and shit.

- Yeah you guys, on second thought,

can't I just stay with you guys at Dex's place?

- Oh Kimchi, it's not gonna be that bad.

I promise.

- [Sonya] Okay.

- Swing your partner, do si do,

I'm going to the country with two lesbos!

Yeehaw, wahoo! (laughing)

- (hick accent) That's right, darn tootin'!

Swing your lesbo, kiss her on the nose,

if she acts up, bite off her toes!

- I must be out of my mind getting back into this loony bin.

- Swing my partner, her name is Max.

Guess I'm not straight, but I face the facts!

Woohoo!

- Swing your partner to and fro,

I hope you're mad 'cause it's time to go!

- All right.

- Okay.

- Yeehaw!

Road trip!

(alternative rock music)

Here I go.

- For good luck.

I'll walk around.

- Bye guys.

- Bye, good luck!

- Good luck, little grasshopper.

- Gosh, wow, I didn't even know

they got so serious.

I mean I like Tasha,

but they make the cutest couple.

- [Dex] Yeah, it's disgusting, isn't it?

- [Ana] No, not at all, as a matter

of fact that's what I want.

Cute and disgusting, I want it all.

- Yes, boss.

- [Ana] Here she comes.

How was everything?

- Telling the parents, I mean that's the hardest part.

- Oh hey there, gorgeous!

- I know you're not talking to me.

- Of course not.

- Good to see you! - Hi, Ana!

- And Max! - Hi.

- Oh you girls look great!

- Thanks.

- My Panamanian stew's all ready, come on in!

- I thought you said Bolivian.

- Panama, you know, Panama!

Like our song?

♫ Padded bra

- Let it out girl, there's gonna be

some serious singing tonight! ♫ Padded bra

(rock music)

♫ Padded bra

- Max, I'm gonna shave your armpits

tonight when you're sleeping.

♫ Padded bra ♫

- I don't know what you put in that stew mom,

but something's dancing in my pants.

- Oh I'm glad it's working.

- I'm just saying.

- Take a video.

- Right, well I would love to sit here

and sing a bunch of show tunes with you ma,

but I think I'm gonna go help dad

with that puzzle he said he was

having so much trouble with, dad?

- Oh yeah yeah yeah.

- All right, go go.

You help him with that farkakte puzzle.

- See you boys later.

- Okay.

- I don't even know how you can do those things.

Got everything?

- Yeah.

- Okay, thank you girls.

- You're welcome.

- [Sarah] Just put it on the counter.

- Okay.

- So this is what you're having trouble with?

- I'm not having trouble, I just began.

- Sure.

- But you can help me.

- All right, all right.

- Okay, one step at a time, one step at a time.

- So Ana, can I officially call

you and Dex a couple?

- Well I don't know about that,

but we are exploring the possibility

of doing something sometime somewhere.

- Oh my God, Ana, come on, you gotta grab

him by the balls and pull him into reality.

- Are you telling me to manhandle your son?

- Well someone has to.

- Well if you say so.

- You tell it like it is, mama.

- Mmmhm!

- Who's yo mama, who's yo mama--

- No no no no, I prefer grandmother in waiting.

Grandma.

- Who's yo grandma, who's yo grandma,

who's yo grandma, ooo! - who's yo grandma, ooo!

Who's yo grandma, who's yo grandma, who's yo grandma!

- Oh yeah!

- What in the wide world of sports

are they doing in there?

- Looks like the Brooklyn Bump-A-Rump.

(laughing)

And an immigrant fertility dance.

- Oh yeah?

- You were conceived after one

of those many moons ago.

- Nice image, thank you very much.

So dad, I have a problem I wanted

to talk to you about, I recently have

had a cash flow problem at the bar.

It turns out someone stole from me.

- Dex, how many times have I told you,

you cannot be an absentee owner

and live off the labor of others.

- Yes, lesson learned, Ana's told me

that several times actually.

- Yeah, well I've always liked Ana.

You should listen to her more.

- Due to all my good fortune, I've decided to

lease the club to my new manager Lumberjack.

So I just need a short term loan,

like a month or two max until I

get the lease finalized and some

of the stolen money back.

- You know Dex, I live by three simple truisms.

You reap what you sow, karma is a boomerang,

and the Bush family are criminals.

- Can we sorta stick to the subject?

- Maybe this whole thing's happening

for a reason, did you ever think of that?

Maybe this is a blessing in disguise for you.

Maybe what you need to do is get out

there into that mediocre world

and make a mark for yourself and

get some passion in your life.

Like those people in there, take a look.

Look at the joy.

Look at the enthusiasm, the bootys.

Dex, when was the last time you let

loose and shook it up danced like that?

- Well hopefully I've never danced like that.

- You see, that's the problem.

You let loose with the booty and

the heart and the mind will follow.

Believe me, I know of which I speak.

Your mother's booty's kept me young for many years.

- All right, yeah, I...

I get the point without the visual, okay?

- How much we talking about?

- $20,000?

American.

- $20,000?

$20,000.

I'll make you a deal, okay?

You listening?

If you get up, right now, and go in

there and dance with your mother

and her rump bumpers in there,

I will consider it a step in the

right direction and a worthy investment.

- Couldn't I just write you an IOU?

- No, you've gotta get up, on your feet,

get in there, shake your booty,

and move those puppies.

- Fine, fine.

Here I come, ladies.

- [Ana] Who's yo grandma!

- Who's yo grandma, who's yo grandma, who's yo grandma!

(rock music)

- That's my boy!

Who's his mama, who's his mama, who's his mama!

You shake that thing I gave you, Dex!

(cheering)

- Let me go get some dessert.

- Oh no, that's okay, I'll get it in a minute.

Just sit, I wanted to talk to you for a minute.

- Sit sit sit sit sit.

- What is it, honey?

Is everything okay?

- Everything's fine.

I'm healthy, I'm happy, I'm eating.

- That's good.

- Too skinny, too skinny!

- I just wanted to start by saying

that I've been giving this a lot

of thought, and in fact I've been

agonizing over this for weeks.

- Sonya, what are you talking about?

- All right, all right, okay.

Okay, okay, after living with Dex

in New York, I've fallen in love

with his roommate Max and I want to

move in with him in the loft and

stay in New York.

- Wait wait, wait a minute.

You told us that you were gonna stay

with Dex until you find your own place.

Now you're telling us you wanna

move in with this guy Max?

We don't even know this guy Max!

Is he Korean?

- Well no, Max is not Korean.

Max is not a guy, she's a girl.

- What?

What are you saying?

What are you telling us?

- You...

Sleep with...

Woman?!

- No no, no, no we haven't!

We've just been dating and we've

been taking it really slowly because

she knows just how important it

is for me to have your support.

- I will never approve of this.

In fact, you're not going back to New York!

It was all your fault, you allow her

to go and move, it was your idea!

In fact you can forget about school,

your car, allowance, you're gonna stay

here until you get your head cleared, huh?!

- No listen, I don't need to clear my mind,

I have given this a lot of thought, okay?

It's just I respect you--

- This is how you show respect?!

This is the opposite of respect

and we don't have to show you respect!

- Sonya, think about what you're saying!

- Listen, it's not about boy or girl, it's her.

I'm in love with her, you have to understand

that she really sees me, she really hears me.

She's opened this whole world inside

of me that I didn't even know was there.

I've never felt so alive and so happy in my life,

I finally feel like I know who I am!

- Well we don't know who you are anymore, huh?!

In fact, you know what we want?

We want you to go to counseling!

Get rid of this hyper-sexuality!

- [Voiceover] Your hyper-sexuality.

Sonya, you're asking too much!

We cannot accept, I am sorry!

- Argh!

- Dad, daddy!

- Ooooo, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

- Busted.

(laughing)

- Hey, is any sign of Sonya?

- No, not yet.

- God I hope she's okay.

- She will be.

(horse neighs)

- So you stole Dex's old hiding place.

- Hey!

Oh my God, Biscuit, you made it.

Oh my God.

How are you?

- I'm okay.

It was a rough night, but...

I'm here.

- Honey, really?

- Believe it or not, yes.

Dex says he has a surprise for us.

Let's go.

- Lead the way, baby.

- [Dex] Hello, parentals.

I'm just waiting for Max and, oh, there they are.

After years and years of killing

brain cells with alcohol and literally

chewing every single page of this,

I finally, this is hard to say,

finished my book.

(cheering)

- [Max] Tell them what it's called, Doofus!

- Manhattan Minutiae.

It's a selection of essays on the

battlefield we call dating in New York.

- It's fantastic, it's really great news!

- I would like to read the dedication.

To my parents, Carl and Sarah,

for all their love and dynamic DNA.

To Max, for all the heart and support all these years,

and to Ana for the soul and passion

I had forgotten I needed.

Let the crying begin.

- Aww.

(gentle acoustic guitar music)

I'm proud of you son.

- Thanks dad.

- [Sonya] So I don't know, they're angry.

Disappointed.

But they didn't lock me in my room or anything.

- Phew.

- They didn't kill me.

- Thank God.

- So who knows.

- Wow, dude, that's so crazy.

It took a lot of real guts, man.

Shows a lot of character.

I am so proud to be with you.

- Can you show me then just how proud?

- Okay.

(monkey noises)

- Captain Caveman!

(laughing)

(playful growling) (giggling)

Captain Caveman!

- Poetry and grace have found me.

- Willed into my way with a whisper.

(alternative rock music)

- [Ana] (sighs), good morning!

- Good morning.

How did you sleep?

- Oh I slept very very well, thank you.

- Really?

Do tell.

- I cannot tell you, you are Dex's mother.

- Hey, can we crash this party, huh?

- Oh wow, look what the cat dragged in.

- I slept so well here.

- She sure did.

- Quiet you.

- Oh we bet you did.

- [Sonya] Quiet you!

- "Captain Caveman!"

(laughing)

- Oh really now?

Look who's talking trash now.

I guess it's official, huh?

- Oh yeah, she's a member of

the Skank Sister Sorority.

- Thank you very much.

- Oh I love these skank sisters!

(laughing) You are my girls!

- I think I like being a skank sister.

- Absolutely.

- [Voiceover] Appearing for the

first time at the new MindField,

let's hear it for Megaslut!

(applause)

- This song was stolen from an ex.

♫ Poetry and grace have found me

♫ Healed me, touched me, and warmed me

♫ Release me so I could see

♫ Me

♫ Dreams and magic have found me

♫ Surrounded my soul with a song

♫ Carry carefully by bashful (mumbles)

♫ Then one last spirit arouse me

♫ Poetry and grace have found me

♫ Healed me, touched me, warmed me

♫ Release me so I could see

♫ Me

♫ Me

♫ Release me so I could be

♫ Free

(electric guitar solo)

♫ Poetry and grace have found me

♫ Healed me, touched me, and warmed me

♫ Release me so I could see

♫ Me

♫ Healed me, touched me, and warmed me

♫ Release me so I could be free

♫ Poetry and grace have found me

♫ Poetry and grace

♫ Poetry and grace

♫ Poetry and grace

♫ Poetry and grace

♫ Poetry and grace

♫ Poetry and grace

♫ Poetry and grace have found me ♫

- [Voiceover] Megaslut rocks!

(applause)

(rock music)

♫ Chica chica chica

♫ You know me baby, I'm all divine

♫ Cruising around town in my grandma's ride

♫ Get your groove ready, I'll pick you up at five

♫ So we can wah wah wah wah wah

♫ Who's yo mama, who's yo mama, who's yo mama

♫ Who's yo mama, who's yo mama, who's yo mama

♫ Who's yo mama, who's yo mama, who's yo mama

♫ Who's yo mama, who's yo mama, who's yo mama

♫ Be hooking you up in the craziest ways

♫ So come on baby, make magic

♫ (mumbles) working 'cause it's time to play

♫ Wah wah wah wah wah

♫ Who's yo mama, who's yo mama, who's yo mama

♫ Who's yo mama, who's yo mama, who's yo mama

♫ Who's yo mama, who's yo mama, who's yo mama

♫ Who's yo mama, who's yo mama, who's yo mama

♫ Let me tickle your fancy, baby walk your dog

♫ Toss your salad 'cause it's all allowed

♫ Wah wah wah wah wah

♫ We're gonna wah wah wah wah wah

♫ Who's yo mama, who's yo mama, who's yo mama

♫ Who's yo mama, who's yo mama, who's yo mama

♫ Who's yo mama, who's yo mama, who's yo mama

♫ Who's yo mama, who's yo mama, who's yo mama ♫