Original subtitles

My name is Umberto Ilario Durloni, I'm 49,

and basically I'm a successful man.

Don't get ahead of yourself. Basically, you're a lawyer?

A commercial lawyer, not criminal or civil.

One of the most visible exponents

- ...of the Milanese establishment... - Italian.

International wouldn't be inaccurate either.

Describe for us the day of an exponent

of the Italian

- ...or international scene. - It's satisfying, above all.

It's a day full of meetings, conferences...

- Busy. - Hellishly!

And you manage to balance all this with a private life?

This distinction between private and public,

I don't really buy into that.

For me, life is like a big loft apartment.

Sunday I'm in the lounge

talking with the CEO of ENEL. Tuesday morning,

I go fishing with my son. A conference call to Japan at 3am.

Come on, you don't go fishing with your son on Tuesday morning.

You don't have children, do you? Tuesday is a school day.

What aspect of your character are you happiest with?

- I get where I want to be. - What you look for in a man?

- Are you looking at the camera? - Yes, to...

In a man? In a man, it's honesty.

And in a woman?

Essentially... Boobs.

Let's move on.

You have the chance to go to dinner with a show-biz personality

or a sports person, who would you choose?

- Plato. - Plato?

The great Greek philosophers in general.

You've prepared these answers, haven't you?

No, I haven't. I thought I was answering...

As always we ask our guests for something personal,

a memory, a story...

I'd prepared that thing about a man of success. Can I say that?

I asked about a personal memory.

- One of mine? - Yes.

One time I played tennis with Pier Ferdinando Casini.

THE COOL PEOPLE

Come in.

- You wanted to see me? - What do you mean?

I placed an order for a tuxedo, the Emperor.

Three weeks ago.

Yes, three weeks ago.

I didn't speak with anyone, obviously.

My secretary does that, she speaks. Who did you speak to?

- A girl. - A girl.

- There are no girls. - Sir, I'm certain...

You don't have someone there who's got a bit of an effeminate voice...

No, I'm not insinuating anything.

All right, let's call it a misunderstanding. All right.

- All right. Goodbye. - I spoke to them more than once!

Lorena, find me my tux. Call them and say I'll be there in an hour.

- All right. - I hang to the right.

- Sorry? - Say the lawyer hangs to the right.

Say it with a certain tone. They'll understand.

They found water on Mars and she can't find a tux in Milan!

What did you want?

You called me.

- Of course. Coffee, tea, juice? - No, nothing, thank you.

Lorena, two espressos...

We have secretaries, we have coffee. Let's bring together what the nature offers us!

Create a synergy as they say in...

wherever.

- Right, Alessandro Como-li. - Comoli.

Exactly. Born Milan, blah, blah. How long have you been with us?

Nearly five years.

Nearly five. Five wonderful years of collaboration,

of satisfaction.

- We had fun, eh, Como-li. - Comoli.

Then times change, the world changes.

And as professionals, it's our destiny to seize these changes,

anticipate them, dominate them in a sense.

Americans do that a lot.

I studied there when I was young. In Boston.

They say "Basan", but if I say that you won't understand.

- What was I saying? - About times changing.

Well done. And we mustn't be caught unprepared.

I don't mean spread, taxes, all those things nobody understands.

I'm talking about the future. There's a question you have to ask.

Today, at this moment in history, the place where you're working...

can it still offer someone like you the future you rightly demand?

Well, to be honest, I've always been happy here.

Too quick to answer. Think about it. Have you got a future here?

Are you saying I've to leave the office?

No, what's this? Big Brother? "You have to leave the house immediately!"

A couple of weeks, time to get organized.

The priority is always to meet the needs of those who work with us.

We had discussions. Decisions were made.

I tried to oppose them. They said to me, "Umberto,

"you're a lovely person and you're trying to protect your team, but...

"the decision's been made." My hands are tied.

So now I have to give you the news.

It's your birthday today, isn't it? It's not a coincidence.

The others wanted to tell you a week ago.

I put my foot down, "Wait a week, his birthday will keep his mind off it."

I was thinking of you! Take it as a birthday present.

- Umberto... - Which of these do you think?

The red one.

Umberto, I don't want to...

My girlfriend and I have just got a house together...

This is an opportunity we're giving you, to finally show who you are...

- You see, my dear... - Comoli.

Comoli, well done.

People say that only the sneaky and unscrupulous can achieve success.

Let them think that! We have to prove it with the facts.

How old are you today?

- 32. - The same age as Jesus...

before he was 33.

Maybe next year what happened to him will happen to you.

I'll be crucified?

You'll become famous.

Now, excuse me, Comolone, you've no idea what a busy day I have today.

To remember these five wonderful years we spent together,

take something from the desk... whatever you like, a souvenir.

What, the iPad? Take the mouse pad, that's always useful.

I've got more of them. What are you doing tonight? A party?

- I'm going to the Divina. - It's nice, near my place.

I might drop in and say hello. Bye, Como-li.

Comoli.

- Lorena, I'm off, then. - All right, sir.

- Anyone asks, I'm in a meeting. - All right, sir.

If they insist, say it's important and I'm not to be disturbed.

All right, sir.

Say it's important even if they don't insist,

say that anyway, it's a really important meeting.

- Umberto? - Francesco!

- I was coming to see you. - I've got a taxi waiting.

You got nothing to tell me?

- Done it, I just fired him. - The other thing.

Under control. We have a meeting tomorrow.

My brain isn't what it used to be.

Just think, I thought that the meeting was...

- ...now. - It was.

I had to move it, I'd a bit of a contretemps.

You postponed a meeting with a company that has a turnover of...?

- 612 million. - 612 million because you had a...

bit of a contretemps.

I saw they made quite a few changes to the contract.

Yeah, little things.

Not that little.

I didn't like them.

We'll clear it all up, Francesco.

- You know how much it means to me. - To all of us, Umberto.

To all of us!

My taxi!

Here you are, the Emperor. Blue silk lining, contrast stitching.

- At last! - You can try it over there.

Thank you. Are you done?

- One moment. It takes time. - That's an hour! For one pin...

It's not like I'm having fun.

Excuse me, they said this was the men's.

It's me who likes men's changing rooms.

- I'll come back. - Wait... Can you help me close it?

Wait... Give me it.

I'm out of practice.

I usually pull zips down.

Once upon a time... Watch the shoulder strap.

- First time. - Well?

Excuse me, but we made an exception seeing you without an appointment.

So if you would be so kind...

- Your receipt, I'll get the invoice. - Thank you.

It'll be ready tomorrow.

I'll see to the alterations myself.

Thank you. I wanted to say that before...

it was just for a laugh...

not at you, with you... I would never...

I'm very sensitive about handicaps...

in the sense I don't make distinctions...tall, short...

What matters is being tall inside...

- I thought it was very funny. - It was her...

Instead of laughing, you should examine your conscience.

She was naked in the men's changing room. I said to her.

Martina...

Giacomino, why are you such a dick?

- Carla, he did it again. - The death game.

- What kind of game's that? - He saw it in a film.

- We were waiting for you. - Sorry.

It was a colleague's birthday, an ex-colleague.

He was nearby so I went to say hello.

Poor thing, the worst mojito I've ever tasted.

I went to try the suit... What a struggle it was to find it.

Wait till Persecati finds out where we've been invited.

He ambushed me today in the lift.

Asking what to do, what not to do... There are changes in the air.

Scores are going to be settled. This time

I'm going to get rid of him for good.

What's this?

China wedding anniversary... who'd have thought?

I checked on the internet. There's everything... Ten years, tin.

11, steel.

Our next one is crystal.

I didn't forget, Carlita. I wrote it in my diary,

the leukaemia one, that they send when we make a donation.

Obviously, I forget then. Who's going to use a diary like that?

Remind me next year to donate to something a bit cheerier.

Will I open it?

No! That's lovely.

What is it, a key ring?

- A lucky charm. - Of course...

- A lucky... - Charm.

Peace?

- Giacomino, go to bed. - Let him be, he's just a kid.

So what? I was a kid too, but I didn't go aaargh!

- If he changed the act a bit even. - You want me to do hanging?

- I want you to go to bed. - Show Dad your drawing.

Don't, he was going to bed.

- I'll look at it, and then...? - Bed.

No, Giacomo, this won't do.

- Don't listen to him. It's lovely. - That doesn't help him.

Look at the lines, they're either too imprecise or too defined...

as if he was uncertain what style to use.

You'll say Picasso did realist paintings

and cubist paintings, all right, but not on the same canvas.

Picasso didn't do it, why should my son?

You've been sat next to Ruotolo all year? That's why he draws like this!

Tell me why, with all the money we're paying, our son

- ...is sat next to repeat-year kid? - You repeated a year, didn't you?

So what? Those were the years of terrorism...

years of protest. Repeating a year was rebelling against the system.

- What does he know about rebellion? - On you go, bed.

- Can I leave the light on? - No, you have to grow up, Giacomino.

I'm scared of ghosts!

He still believes in ghosts?

What can I say? Lucky you, still having a bit of idealism.

Good night, Martina.

You've dyed your hair.

I like it. It's maybe a bit radical as a look, no?

Nice, though, '70s.

Fight the power.

I won't tell you what I had then!

- A middle parting, just think. - Dad...

I dyed my hair a week ago.

Good girl.

Good night.

Try to sleep.

They really care about this project.

I had a look at it today.

- You? - Yes.

For example, there's that article

on nominating the new board members, that needs to be tightened up.

Carlita, you haven't done this for years.

Leave it to the professional!

Do you know what that journalist called me?

A recognised expert.

I'm worried about Martina. She's always so confrontational.

The usual teenage rebellion. Don't turn it into a drama.

The school called today, they want to see us tomorrow.

They want more money! A canteen, a minibus, bar football for the nuns.

It's a bottomless spit.

You know what I like about you?

YourAndalusian sensuality.

No, I'm not in the mood.

That's easy to say. Would you declare it in front of a notary?

That you don't want your big Umberto?

I wasn't in the mood either. It's so hot, I can't breathe.

Should I put it on my business card?

"Recognised expert"?

Today I made friends with a dwarf.

- There's a lot needs changed. - Scaramelli, you worry too much.

I've been working on this too long to lose it now.

Watch the person! "We've been working on".

- I'm in charge, and you're... - A member of the team.

- Of course, Umberto. - That's good. Did you see...?

- You know what this is? - An invite to an exclusive party.

- I told you already... - Yes. Instead...

..this guy's going to cause us problems.

Scaramelli, there won't be any problems.

I'm the first to admit there are problems.

- But let's sort them out. - Umberto, sit down, please.

It's a great project, Francesco... Ernesto.

There are difficulties we don't feel we can face.

That's normal in an operation at this level.

You don't become a market leader without taking risks...

- ...especially in the pasta market. - Too many difficulties.

For example, the article on nominating the board members...

Needs to be tightened up. I thought so too.

- I have an eye for these things. - What, and I don't?

- Of course you do... - Ernesto.

You've got a telescope, that's why I'm saying to look far, together!

Together? I'm the client and you're the lawyer!

I agree completely.

So everyone does their own job. I decide and you obey.

- Excellent. - And we've decided.

This is not the right time to start playing on the market.

You've decided to suspend the operation? You're dumping us?

Nothing personal. Legal costs are the first thing we need to reduce.

What do you hope to achieve without a lawyer?

It's like making love without a condom. It might be more fun, but no!

You can't complain then if you get a nasty surprise.

So you have this condom, use it, take it...

put your dicks in it! That's what we're here for.

- To stick our dicks in? - To protect you!

From what? Nowadays people use condoms for making balloons!

- Do you understand, Roberto? - Umberto.

What did I say?

Roberto.

Difficulties...they don't know what they're on about. They'll be back.

"Umberto, please, I need you!"

I have to pick up a suit.

- Here you are. - Thank you. See you again.

Where were you, Umberto?

- Francesco, you gave me a fright. - I've been waiting for you.

Where were you?

I had a bit of a contretemps.

Another one?

- You want to tell me something? - I spoke with Scaramelli.

It seems today's meeting wasn't a great success.

- They're cutting their legal costs. - How things change.

There we were, playing at being the best...

and then...

the Crisis!

These are bad times, my dear Umberto.

Let's hope we don't get shafted.

Metaphorically, I mean.

There.

- It's a pigeon. - A pigeon?

- The window. Because we're on the... - I prepared an announcement.

What kind of announcement?

We're downsizing.

Well, we decided that a while ago.

I mean the partners.

I updated your file. It's not good news.

Since when do you update files?

All your proficiency coefficients are negative.

Fuck, yeah! After the year we just had, it's the same for everyone.

That insinuation is inappropriate.

And then I don't like that "Fuck, yeah!" in my office.

It's in bad taste.

I have a blacklist here,

of candidates.

For what?

You're on the list as well, Umberto.

I'm...?

After today, you leave me no choice.

No. You can't get rid of me, Francesco. I'm the best in my field.

Listen, it wasn't a contretemps. I went to get a tuxedo.

- I'm invited to Azzesi's party. - Azzesi?

- Patrizio Azzesi? Ring any bells? - How do you know Azzesi?

How do I know the leading lawyer in Italy?

Let's put it like this. How does Azzesi know you?

Because Umberto Durloni is a Ferrari.

You don't need to drive one to know what it means!

You might be a Ferrari, Umberto, but you're out of petrol.

Still, a Ferrari, you don't park it up in a garage...

I'm giving you an opportunity.

I'm talking about the future.

You can show what you're made of.

People say that only the sneaky and unscrupulous...

...Can achieve success. I did that course as well.

I know all about what to say to the people you're screwing.

I came up with the unscrupulous bit, remember?

You going to tell me to take something?

Sit down, Umberto.

- You can't get rid of me. - Can I not?

I'm a partner.

You can't get rid of me. And you know I'm right.

My dear Umberto, these days, being right

is just one of many ways to not be wrong.

Not even the most efficacious.

Maybe I can't formally, but you know fine there are other ways.

I'm offering you a redundancy package...

- ..that is really generous. - Please, don't.

- You always say to be optimistic. - Optimism... against the Crisis?

What should we do about the winter, then? Wear a T-shirt?

What should we do about lung cancer?

- Use an inhaler? - Francesco, I'm 50 years old...

Don't kick me out, please.

I'll send you the details by e-mail. Flying high...

You have to know how.

You saw what happened to the pigeon?

Did you hear what Sister Emerenziana said?

Yes.

I was telling your wife it's a very delicate issue.

For that reason, before doing anything, we wanted to talk to you.

Yes, but now you're worrying me. Can you tell us what happened?

I'll read the report.

Martina Durloni...

with a youthful contempt for the rules of moral conduct

of the Holy College of the Sorrowful Order,

was found in the school toilets

in the act of undoing her blouse

and showing her breasts

in a provocative if not downright licentious manner...

I don't know what to say, we know Martina, she's a bit...

We're going to have to take measures.

And I'm sorry to say they will be severe.

- How severe? - We're considering suspension.

For a pair of tits?

Shown licentiously.

Licentious? She's 12, what are we talking about?

We're talking about this kind of thing.

This is more than I can take today.

- Wait... - Wait?

If I wanted to see some old woman trying to be sexy and failing,

I wouldn't have torn up the photos of my mother at our wedding!

- You tore up your mother's photos? - You bet I did!

Remember, it was a chilling sight. ET in a push-up bra!

As for you and your severe measures, listen carefully...

the only suspension will be of our donations to the Depressed Order...

- Sorrowful Order. - Whatever.

So I will pretend to have seen and heard nothing...

and we can consider the matter closed.

Move!

- Mr Dorlone. - Durloni!

In the envelope is the name of a member of a famous couple.

The game consists in trying to find your companion.

- Romeo looks for Juliet. - Give me another.

- I'm sorry? - Take this and give me another.

- I can't. - I categorically refuse to be...

- Martha the Hen. Who is that? - Alberto the Wolf's wife.

A woman...a hen. Am I a woman?

- It must be a mistake. - Absolutely! Who are you, sorry?

- Batman. - See? This old fellow...

Does he look like Batman? Who are you?

Lady Di.

Who are you looking for? The big-eared prince

or the dead guy? You're dead as well. They're both dead, just think.

- You see who's here? - He gets everywhere.

A finger in every pie.

- What have you got? - Zeus.

Thank you.

This has to be sorted out.

- What's wrong, Umberto? - Nothing, everything's fine.

It's not, I can see it. You can fool everyone else, but not me.

What happened? Is it to do with work?

Tell me. You know I can help you. What happened?

Get organised or we won't get anything to eat.

I'll get the cheese, you do cold meats, back here for the pasta.

I'm sorry, are you hurt? I tripped.

I saw that.

I did nothing. You have to be able to prove what you're saying.

Otherwise, I'll sue you for slander.

You always manage to make me laugh.

Don't you remember?

Yesterday at the atelier.

- You're... - Morgana Azzesi.

Patrizio's wife.

- No, he's... - Third wife.

I'm sorry, it's the lighting, the drink, you're that lady, yesterday...

No, seeing you now, "young lady" I should say.

Umberto Durloni, pleased to meet you.

Excuse me for leaving yesterday like that...

Maybe I was a bit out of order, stopping you like that.

No, don't say that. I was in a rush...

then there was that annoying little man...you remember?

- One gulp? - One gulp.

- Are you one of the candidates? - Candidates?

The new Italian office... Sorry, I'm talking too much.

Don't let me say anything else.

- You having fun? - It's a great party.

You know why? Because at last I see these people who don't give up,

the people who look to the future, the people who are all right.

- You know what I always say? - Thank you.

What I say...

to those who say the country is on its knees?

I say, it might as well suck us off.

In the sense of seizing the chance. Excuse my vulgarity.

Vulgarity?

Vulgarity is in the ear of the listener.

Well said! That's what I was thinking.

The ear of the listener, you said. Of course we can say what we want.

Blowjob, bugger, cum... If you're pure inside, you can never be vulgar.

- This is all I could get. - Never mind the ham.

This is Morgana, say something dirty, she won't mind.

- Umberto, control yourself. - Your husband's really nice.

Morgana is Azzesi's wife.

She said she would introduce us to him.

Well, she didn't, but she's so nice.

This is Baffolina.

"I have to pee!" She doesn't mind.

This is an Audi TT. One of my clients gave me it to pay a bill.

That's when I knew the Crisis was affecting us as well.

I got a Jaguar and I'll give this to my wife.

The dog's a poof...

I thought I'd been clear. I said...

Oh, excuse me.

I thought he was thinner.

Thank you for the invitation. Umberto Durloni.

Patrizio Azzesi. I thought you were balder...

although...

I lip-read what you said to your wife there.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean...

It's no problem. It helps me in my work.

- My wife Carla. - Molinari.

The Spam acquisition...wasn't it?

I never forget someone who causes me problems at work.

Especially if they have a face like yours. What was it, ten years ago?

- Eight. - You haven't changed at all.

- What are you doing now? - I...

Carla opted for the parental field, let's say.

She's the family CEO.

He likes saying that. I'm a mum, a full-time mum.

It's always a pity to lose good women in our line of work.

If you change your mind, here's my card.

Call me, I'd like that.

Carla chose to let me be the professional in the family.

Never mind, then.

You...

don't go without saying goodbye. I mean it.

Watch, I can lip-read.

From behind as well.

Can I have your attention a moment, please?

One moment.

Thank you, just for a moment.

Well, my friends, this is the first in what I hope will become

a traditional annual meeting.

The Azzesi Awards,

with which I would like to recognise some of you,

professionals in economics and finance,

who distinguished themselves this year.

I would ask you to take the envelopes you have,

and open them, because I will call you by your alter ego.

Our first award goes to the man who

more than anyone else this year stood out in the field of acquisitions...

Tarzan!

There he is. No doubt his secretary Cheetah

gave him a hand. Thanks to Cheetah as well.

- You want to say something? - I'd like to thank...

Unfortunately we don't have time.

Senior partner of the year,

Sylvester.

There he is.

Can I call you Puddy Tat?

My wife will give you your award.

Well done, you really deserve it. Time is tight.

A round of applause for Sylvester.

Tax lawyer of the year...

Messalina.

The name is spot-on. What memories!

Innovative lawyer of the year...

The award goes to...

Sandokan. Here he is.

Well done. There's your award.

And now the lifetime career award.

An award for a man who for years has made us proud of his work.

I want to call to the stage...

Zorro!

- Where's Zorro? - Here I am, I'm Zorro.

- No, it's me. - There are two Zorros.

No, I'm Zorro, he's Martha the Hen.

Take Martha the Hen away. Come up here, Zorro...

Well done, Durloni.

I see, you're Zorro. Well done! I wasn't expecting that.

The lifetime career award is important.

My wife will give you the award.

- Would you like to say something? - Now?

A few words, I mean a lifetime career award...

Wing it.

Well, in our job... we all sort of do the same job...

The satisfaction isn't so much working 14 or 16 hours a day,

every day and the weekends as well sometimes...

the satisfaction comes later, when you get paid.

- Deservedly. Zorro. - I saw it.

On you go, Durloni.

Thank you. Give my wife a kiss, but go back to your own,

she's very, very, very pretty.

A lifetime career award.

- Can we go home? - Yes, let's go home.

Let's go.

Can I steal him for a moment?

- Of course. - Azzesi's wife.

He wants to see you, you made him laugh.

Believe me, that's not easy.

- Can I go in? - Wait, one more thing.

I'm ready?

So how's it going? You enjoy it? You having fun?

- Sit down, have a seat. - It was wonderful.

- I don't know how to thank you. - No need for formalities.

- Thank you. - I should be thanking you.

You snatched the award from that dickhead Carloni!

That one was imposed on me, power games.

Cuban cigars, just got here.

- Guess where from. - Where from?

Cuba, they're Cuban cigars.

You might ask, what about the embargo?

- Ask me, what about the embargo? - Now?

- Yes, ask me. - What about the embargo?

Yes, there's an embargo, of course.

But dictatorships are like anal sex.

A little bit of oiling and the entrance flies open.

- The exit. - Sorry?

If you break the embargo, the exit open, not the entrance.

- Are you correcting my metaphor? - No, maybe I'm mistaken.

See, we don't know each other...

but I've been watching you for a while.

I know you made a name for yourself in the energy field,

and that's why I invited you.

And then you astonished me.

Not many of us still hang that way.

The bow tie.

Call me old-fashioned, but I care about traditions.

- Listen, can I ask you something? - Of course.

How do you find your office?

A cheeky question. I'll ask you another.

If I say Kocks & Kocks, what would you say?

It's one of the biggest international firms.

Luckily for us, they've never come to Italy.

I have to correct you.

So far.

You understand? A moment ago, someone wanted rid of me,

and then right away, this guy wants to make me a partner in a huge firm.

- Listen... - The Italian office.

Tell me you didn't marry a man who thrills you.

I feel like the shares index. I drop and then I shoot up.

When Azzesi said to me, "When can you come to Berlin

"to meet your new bosses?" "Tomorrow," I said!

"Not tomorrow, it's Saturday," he said. "Yes," I say, "Obviously.

"But it's to show I'm raring to go."

- I've got my killer instinct back. - I need to tell you something.

Once upon a time if someone wanted a life full of adventure

they'd be a sailor, a bandit, those sorts of people, a bit risky.

That spirit of adventures is ours now, the freelancers.

The Count of Montecristo today would be a bank president.

- We need to get some books. - I'm pregnant.

Why didn't you say?

You were always busy, the meeting, the party...

- You want a glass of water? - No.

We can't.

Don't look at me like that.

We discussed this back in the day, remember?

And I wanted a third, if I remember correctly.

I told you he'd inherit the house in the mountains.

Martina the beach house, Giacomino the town house. You were against it.

You accused me of wanting a third so I could call him Umberto Junior.

Which is a lovely name.

That was all hypothetical.

I don't know if you remember, we weren't in a good place then.

- I don't know, I really don't. - You were right, Carlita.

You were right.

Look what happened today. We risked...it's a delicate moment.

We can take that step, a new career in Berlin.

But we need all our strength.

Look how tiring Giacomo and Martina are...

..one stripping off, one acting dead. - An abortion!

Don't use that word. Abortion.

Let's call it...a remedy.

Let's look at it as something that can be sorted.

What was that doctor called your sister went to?

Manzini! That's it. Remember?

He was so understanding... And with your sister! She's unbearable.

I'll call him tomorrow and sort it out.

I don't know, Umberto, I really don't know.

Let's not be melancholic.

We're respectable people, of a certain standing. We're happy.

And we're a certain age as well!

Imagine in 20 years when he comes home at 4am? What would we do?

Jump out of bed in our woollen socks?

Try to shout and then remember we haven't put our teeth in?

Not credible...

Where should I put...?

Gianfranco! Good to see you.

Patrizio, sorry. Why did I say Gianfranco?

- Because you're an idiot. - The excitement.

I've got a meeting next door and I wanted to say good luck.

You know what? I'll knock 'em dead!

I understood your worth. I'm sure the Germans will too.

Patrizio, all I can say in German is Scheisse!

Shit! Don't say that. They all speak English.

I just hope you're OK getting off to a flying start.

Is that it?

Because I know you don't pronounce the T.

I wanted to give you some tips.

I know that.

Some tips.

I'll let you speak directly with Mr Qubon. Skip the intermediaries,

all the dickheads that count for nothing.

Pardon my French.

You've broken my balls now, all right? Stop it.

I was trying to get into the English. I thought it was funny as well.

You're not even funny in Italian!

Mr Qubon is a realist.

He appreciates resolution, sincerity.

- He doesn't like mucking about. - No mucking about.

He's a cheery sort. Try to be laid back, light.

Laid back, light.

He loves football. He supports Tottenham.

You could maybe use that to break the ice a bit.

He hates mimes.

What else?

He's scared of cancer, absolutely terrified of it.

What are you telling me that for?

I don't know, if you crack a joke about testicular cancer or something.

I won't. No jokes about testicular cancer.

No jokes about cancer in general. Just don't.

I mean it, the less you say, the better.

Cool.

- What is this champagne like? - The best I've ever tasted!

- You haven't tasted it yet. - No, I was just saying...

- Excuse me. - On you go, I can...

No, I don't answer "caller unknown".

I understand. I had some bad experiences.

People calling every day.

"Please can you check. The bill doesn't seem to have been paid."

I didn't get frightened. "This is stalking!" And I hung up.

Good man...

But stalking really can be serious. I know from experience.

When my ex-wife and I split up...

there was a period, it was torture,

an obsession, call it what you want.

I know there was nothing malevolent behind it,

no, behind it there was a sincere emotion.

- Like affection. - Affection, yeah,

a bit mad, but it's the intensity of the feelings. What can we do?

Crucify someone for a surprise visit, a little check...

then I got the court order...

I was forbidden to call her, to write to her,

I had to stay at least 250 metres away from her.

And for someone my age, working out distances isn't that easy.

Sorry for asking, 250 metres you said?

As the crow flies or on foot?

Well done. The judge didn't specify that.

No, because I'm thinking if you both went to the stadium.

Unlikely. She's an Inter fan, I support AC.

All the more, AC-Inter. One in the north end, the other in the south.

As the crow flies, 250 metres, you've broken the court order.

You're saying I went to see the derby three weeks ago

and I could have ended up in jail?

- And this is justice? - Look what they did to Galileo.

- What's that? - Cocaine. Really pure.

- No, I'm allergic. - To coke?

Powders in general.

Never heard of that.

It's the powder that irritates me. If it were liquid, I'd do so much!

It's the powder that irritates me, all types of powder.

Your words comforted me. Thank you very much.

- You don't need to thank me. - No, I do. Not everyone understands.

They said I was sick, I needed treatment.

Umberto, you're a really special guy, and you're proving it.

- We're very special guys, Patrizio. - Look.

What are you doing?

- No, you're offending me. - What did you think...?

It's my private number.

- Call me whenever you like. - I'll call you when I arrive.

- No, I'll be in touch. - All right.

Taxi!

This is going to be a really special collaboration, I can feel it.

You really are a dickhead!

I was joking!

- Can you see these fingers? - Please...

- It was an accident. - I'm sorry.

In the '80s. Strikes all the time.

Out for two weeks,

first day back at work...

- A pity. - If you look closely...

- I'd rather not. - No, take a look!

Look at what a good job they did!

- Don't go away. - Oh, I'm going away!

- I'm starting to feel offended. - I'm meeting them all today!

- You never remember me. - No, who are you?

My wedding anniversary? I'm sorry, I need to rest.

- The wife of... - Azzesi! Sorry. Excuse me.

I had a couple of days that were...

- Have you been crying? - It's nothing, honestly.

No, I should have... Here.

I didn't turn the volume down. Sorry.

Can you switch your phone off, please, we're taking off.

And your seatbelt, thank you.

Seatbelt...

That's it.

- Are those your children? - Yes, Giacomino and Martina.

- They look lovely. - Lovely, yeah, but difficult.

And now that they're growing up. Martina, she's 12,

she got caught posing nude for her classmates.

- And punishing her is no use. - Maybe the secret is to talk.

To an adolescent? Then what, invite Hannibal Lecter to dinner?

You're a dreamer, Morgana!

- He said not to. - Just a quick text, he won't notice.

We're taking off, it's dangerous.

Morgana, you believe that shit?

You queue for hours, they check your underwear even,

and then they leave us something that could make the plane crash?

Come on! I'm a terrorist. No more TNT, I'll load up with mobiles

Then when it's time I call myself. Am I right or not?

Good girl! That's how we'll save ourselves, by ignoring the rules.

I could listen to you for hours.

You're just like me.

A bit less hair, maybe.

Give me your number.

- My phone number? - Yes, your number.

338

4456

132.

It's not ringing.

- Maybe you need to... - Done it.

We're not in Italy. You have to use the prefix.

Did you do that? 39.

Maybe I gave you my old number. How did it end?

Give me it, I'll call myself.

- Good morning, sir. - Hello, Lorena.

- Two things. First...that's this? - A little party

to say goodbye to Comoli.

Two things...first get me Scaramelli, then find me some cardboard boxes.

Boxes?

Why do you need boxes?

Those two months you wanted to give me... I thought I'd bring it forward.

A couple of weeks, less maybe.

Bring it forward... I'm pleased for you. It's very...

what can I say...? Can I ask you...?

Excuse me. Lorena, where did your husband take you on your anniversary?

- My husband left me three years ago. - For the hairdresser... I told you.

No, the last time you celebrated, where was it?

- Courmayeur. - A weekend, just the two of us.

Sorry, you were saying?

No, nothing, I just wanted... never mind.

I wanted to see if you were all right.

You never know in these cases, how someone will react...

Very thoughtful of you. As you can see, I'm fine.

Great. I'm happy, really...

And wrap up well at Courmayeur. Don't catch cold.

- The boxes. - Yes.

Are you not a bit upset,

after nearly 20 years, just leaving?

That's the problem. Nearly 20 years.

There are opportunities out there, new openings.

And you're really not scared, at the age of 50...

- 49. - Starting over, with no prospects.

What's that?

Patrizio Azzesi... The Azzesi?

Who else? Turn it over. His private number.

How come you've got this?

Let's say...imagine one of the most important law firms in the world,

Kocks & Kocks, let's say, for example...

were to come to Italy, who would they call to head their new team?

I don't know, who?

They'd call me.

You? You mean, you're...

I'm just back from Berlin. All sorted, I spoke to Azzesi.

the interview, various things, a formality he said...

a few days to sort out the details, strategies, numbers...

Scaramelli, that's not your desk yet!

- Sorry. - Get back under the stairs.

- Nothing gets past you. - Get out of here.

You can measure the health of a city by its pigeons.

This came to me yesterday before the interview, I was looking outside.

In Berlin, the pigeons are livelier.

They look at you with eyes full of ideas.

In Milan, even the pigeons are in crisis, they're slow and demoralised.

Try and kick a Milanese pigeon, it looks at you in disbelief.

It doesn't react. It make you angry, so it does.

Even the pigeons have no optimism here.

Come on, I promised you a lovely evening, but you have to help.

Make a little effort, even just to choose what you want to eat.

On you go, I'm listening.

Did the doctor give you that?

Get rid of it, we don't need to let everyone know our business.

Our business? What are you scared of? It's for a headache.

- Are we ready? - No, not yet.

Carpaccio, please. No Parmesan.

Two, lots of Parmesan for me, nice, big, thin slices.

Why are you challenging me? We're on the same side.

No, you want me to be on your side.

Is that not the same thing?

- We're here to celebrate. - To celebrate?

Of course! You remember what's been going on?

They tried to get rid of your husband.

You understand? Get rid of me! I'm better placed than I was before.

And that's not all.

Courmayeur, next weekend, me and you on our own!

- Where are you going? - To wash my hands.

What are you doing? Sneaking into the disabled toilet?

It might be bad luck.

First the medicine, now you want people to see you crying?

Why don't we call a press conference and tell everyone our business?

Do you think I care about the pigeons? I don't!

Or about the disabled! I don't care!

- Yes. - I'm not an insensitive man.

I know what you're feeling. I'm just trying to distract you, to be there.

Yesterday was an important day for both of us.

We made choices, we made choices together.

- Together? - Yes.

I'm doing what I'm doing for you. And for Martina and Giacomino.

And for you.

And for me, yes. Why, am I not part of my family?

- Your family? - My family, yes.

You never even asked how it went.

What's the point talking about certain things?

Do we have to convince ourselves we did right? Feel regret?

We made a decision and implemented it.

What did you say?

We implemented it?

We're talking about an abortion, right?

We made a decision and we carried it out.

Come on, Carlita, the carpaccio will get cold. Everything will work out.

Tomorrow morning, I'm going to Campiglia with the children.

Good. That house is always lying there, empty.

Good idea.

I hope you hear soon how...

- ...the interview went. - Thank you.

You're operating on me before I'm asleep?

- You are asleep. - No, I'm awake!

They know nothing about scientific progress.

We've given him a local anaesthetic.

Be quiet, keep calm. Behave like a patient and be patient!

Everyone should do their own job. What do you do when you're well?

- I'm a butcher. - Same here.

I mean, I'm a surgeon, not a butcher.

Relax, relax, don't worry.

- Good night, Mr Durloni. - Good night.

- The house is all clean. - Thank you.

Voicemail...

Patrizio, it's Umberto.

Umberto!

Sorry for bothering you, we haven't spoken since the interview.

I was wondering if we should organise a press release or something.

Listen, can we talk later?

And I've got a little present for you...well, a big present, really.

You've no idea what I paid! Cuban cigars are expensive!

Umberto, I'm in Berlin, I'm going into a meeting.

Can we talk this afternoon?

I'm afraid it's going to be a very long meeting.

Patrizio, tell me what's happening?

There have been developments. Unfortunately, things have changed.

What do you mean unfortunately?

Unfortunately means unluckily.

I know what unfortunately means. I mean, what happened?

What do you think, Umberto? They meet, they evaluate, they talk...

And then they make their choice.

- What choice? - Another man.

Another man? What about me?

Umberto, you know what it's like now.

A new partnership is something we can deal with,

two's a problem, come on.

No, it's not true, Patrizio, it can't be.

It's like with dice... You take a dice, you throw it...

you've as much chance of getting six as the other guy.

All right, maximum and minimum, statistical parity.

No, listen to me. Listen, Patrizio, if you increase the number of dice...

use two, you always have the chance of throwing 12, the maximum.

But nobody will throw one.

With two dice you never lose. With two you never lose. With two...

What the fuck are you talking about?

All that stuff about me being a special person...?

Carlita, are you there?

I haven't heard from you for a week.

Call me...please.

- You look terrible! - You put it on.

You know what I like about you?

YourAndalusian sensuality.

- Did I hurt you before? - When?

When I hit you.

- I asked you to. - Yeah, I know,

- ...but this violent stuff... - It's not violence.

- They're slaps on the arse. - Sure.

- You never slap anyone's arse? - Me? What are you saying?

Yes, more than once...often, I'd say.

It happens...

I remember one time I spanked Giacomino

and I ended up hurting him, bloody hell.

- Did he ask you to? - Well, he asked for it!

- That's different, then. - Yeah, I know, but...

For example,

I liked what you did before.

In fact, sorry for stopping you at a certain point.

When I put my finger up your arse?

Yeah, but you don't need to say it.

Good heavens, I tell you I liked it, that's enough.

We don't need to analyse it.

You a bit jumpy?

No, but, all right, it's not like you have to every time...

It's not the first time I've betrayed my husband.

You feel guilty?

Do you?

I hardly know him.

I'm talking about your wife.

You hungry? I'm starving.

What's that?

Show me, let me see... Show me. What is it?

No, leave me alone.

No, I won't. I want to see what that mark is.

Sorry, I was mucking about. I wanted to see what that mark was.

I slashed my wrist.

Your wrist?

It's not perpendicular.

If you want to slash your wrist, don't you do it that way?

What the fuck are you saying?

I'm saying, logically, if I was slashing my wrist,

I wouldn't go parallel, I'd go perpendicular, like that.

- You just cut the tendons that way. - All right.

I believe you. You'll have looked into it. What would I know?

When you're unhappy, you do stupid things.

Some do this...

some strip off for their schoolmates...

There's my little darling! There she is!

Baffolina, what do you want?

Big Umberto... Baffolina, Baffo...

It peed on me! This thing peed on me! That's disgusting!

What are you doing?

She likes you. That's what she does when she's happy.

She does that because she likes me? What will she do if we become close?

Bite my dick off and bury it in the garden?

Baffolina, little Baffolina, the only one who loves me!

The tax police placed a number of suspects under house arrest

at the end of an investigation into fraud, extortion, fake bills

and false certificates in the renewables market.

Among those arrested were the businessman Moreno Pastrangeli,

the lawyer Federico Scaramelli and the engineer Giorgio Fuschi,

as well as the president of the Smiling Sky group Riccardo Buio.

What I said earlier about burying my dick,

I'm sorry, it's not my style.

A bit of humour, a curtain-raiser...

Do you still want me, dear Baffolina?

- Hello? - Umberto, it's Patrizio. Thanks.

- Patrizio... - Azzesi!

- Can you hear me? - Yes, now I can.

- Something's come up. - What?

- Scaramelli. - Scaramelli?

We hear he's been arrested. Do you know what this is about?

Arrested?

Fake bills, false certificates, accounts...

seems he had quite a collection, with lots more still to check.

But I'd rather not discuss it on the phone.

I don't understand, what have you got to do with Scaramelli?

Next week, we were going to announce him as our new partner.

Your... It was him? But he's only 35, he was my protege.

He called, put himself forward, told me about you and Persecati...

He seemed enterprising, strong-willed...

And he's showing it with what's happening now.

What do you want from me?

We were wondering if you were still interested in our offer.

Scaramelli is out of the game.

- And we still need someone. - So you came back to me.

Let's not bring pride into it. We wouldn't do the jobs we do.

How real is it this time?

It's done. We just need to sort out the details.

No interview, no selection.

I'll be in Milan in two days and we can finalise the agreement.

So what do you say?

Two days... fine. That gives me time to sort something out.

Where are you? It sounds all muffled. Are you in a bathroom?

Tell the truth! Are you with some slapper?

- If you say so. - Bye, Umberto.

I've got a new ringtone for you.

The tortoise in love.

Giacomino, my son, something's come up.

Where's my bag?

Like I said, I think we should have gone right.

Though it's not like making a mistake...

Columbus springs to mind, takes a wrong turn, and then what happens?

And we say he took a wrong turn. But think about it.

What if he was pretending?

America was unknown.

If he'd said, "I'm going somewhere unknown," who'd have financed him?

Journeys like that weren't cheap back then.

So he said, "I'm going to India." "India," they say, give him ships...

and he... It's just a theory, and then, obviously,

there's the problem of the official history, interests to be protected...

and even if he really did get it wrong? He discovered America!

- I'd like to see them... - Be quiet!

My God! You're so emphatic!

Thank you, Umberto.

A really lovely weekend.

A shame we didn't take any photos.

You happier now?

You said you wanted to go home. I didn't say we'd never see each other.

If you'd listened to what I was trying to say...

What were you trying to tell me? That all of a sudden your son had,

what did you say, an intestinal collapse?

Diarrhoea. You're the one that isn't scandalised, diarrhoea. The runs.

Who knows what he ate? You know children. See something, eat it.

You're taking the piss, Umberto.

I won't let you take the piss.

Listen, I know you only went with me to get at your husband.

What the fuck's my husband got to do with anything?

No, you're right. He's nothing to do with it.

In fact, your husband mustn't know anything about any of this.

I'm sorry, I know you were expecting a different sort of weekend.

Tell me why at least.

I'm not stupid.

I know something happened, talk to me.

I...

What an idiot! Instead of fighting and splitting up like this...

I almost forgot... Look what I've got.

A present for you.

- That's for your wife. - No...why?

Cos of the initials, no...

They're not our initials, it's CEU,

it's not Carlita and Umberto. No, CEU...

It's the CEU mark. It's all here...

I like it too. Going fast, I mean.

I didn't think this car could...

- Hello? - Excuse me, Umberto, but tell me...

where the fuck have you been?

- Patrizio? - We had a meeting, remember?

That one. Are you there?

- Yes, but I thought... - What did you think?

No, nothing, I don't feel too great.

So we'll have something non-alcoholic.

I want you here. We need to sign everything tonight.

- All right, I'll get you there. - Come on, I'll be waiting at Unico.

- What happened to you? - Nothing, a sore back.

- What can I...? - Comoli?

What can I get you?

Me, nothing, just a glass of water.

- You know him? - No.

Listen, Umberto, we can't wait any longer.

I've got the Americans on my back.

If you agree, we're ready to announce it tomorrow.

Here's the draft. Move that fucking sushi and I'll show you it.

What announcement?

What do you mean? You joining our firm.

We can discuss the details and all that later.

Now we have to make an official announcement.

We've covered Europe, all that's missing is the new Italian man.

The new Italian man.

You like it? That's how we'll introduce you to the press.

Patrizio, what about Morgana?

What do you know about Morgana?

I...the papers.

The death notices.

We couldn't stop them.

There's an investigation, don't ask me anything else.

For personal reasons, I'd rather not discuss it. It's a bit delicate.

I just wanted to offer you my condolences.

I don't understand what happened.

What do you think? A run-of-the-mill car crash.

You know what these things are like. Don't ask me any more.

We were splitting up.

She came to Berlin, the same day you were there.

We spoke, we discussed, maybe we argued even...

Morgana was a fragile person.

She'd already been to her lawyer.

You might even say it worked out for me.

Do you know what she asked for? 50,000 euros a month.

50,000 euros.

I need to kick the habit of getting married. I quit smoking,

I quit biscuits, I should be able to quit getting married.

Right, Umberto, do you like it?

The new Italian man.

Patrizio, she was your wife.

The new Italian man, as they would say.

She was sparkling, honest...

a woman whose only big problem

was tying up with scumbags like you...

and me.

I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

I'll take this outburst of humanity as a side effect of your sore back.

Just tell me you're going to join us.

Then you can go and get some treatment. Come on.

I...

I don't know what you're thinking of, my dear Umberto,

but we really want to have you come with us.

But if that doesn't happen, we also really want

to never see you again anywhere, with any other firm.

And you know we have the power to do that.

So I'm asking you for the last time, once more, think about it...

are you with us?

Fuck off!

I'll take that as a no.

Read my lips. Fuck off!

- No, leave it. - I'm sorry.

Sorry...sorry.

Mr Durloni, are you all right?

- No, I've got a sore knee. - Listen,

I wanted to say a letter came for you, I signed for it,

they said there was no-one at home.

- Who brought it? - The Carabinieri.

I stuck it under your door.

- It seemed urgent. - Of course. Thank you.

- Good night. - Good night.

"LOMBARDY CARABINIERI REQUEST TO ATTEND INTERVIEW"

Carlita, answer the phone!

- Hi, Dad! - Giacomino, put Mum on.

Please.

Mum's busy.

- She's telling you what to say? - No.

All right, it doesn't matter.

Dad, today I did a drawing like you said...

with lines that don't mix up genres like Picasso.

You're really good at drawing, Giacomino, you really are.

- You want to see it? - Of course I want to see it.

Now...

- Tell Mum... - When are you coming?

- Listen, tell Mum... - When?

Tell her...

Say hi to Martina.

Today she slapped me because I gave him a kick.

You have "her" a kick, not him.

You know your daddy loves you?

And I love him too.

- Go to bed now, it's late. - Bye, Dad.

- Bye, Giacomino. - But come, though...

"FINANCIAL EARTHQUAKES"

- Mr Durloni? - Yes.

- This way. - Will I?

- Mr Durloni. - Thank you.

- We kept you waiting. - Don't worry.

I'm not, because I intend to keep you waiting longer.

What are you doing? Cappelletti, he's looking at my girl!

I'm joking. She's not my girl.

We only went out a couple of times.

I wish!

Now, about us... Umberto Durloni, right?

Born Milan, etc, etc.

Mr Durloni, do you have an account with the Banca Popolare di Roma?

Do I... I'm sorry?

No, Mr Durloni, let's not waste time or I'll arrest you right now,

and that'll be that!

I'm kidding. Did you get a fright?

I was saying, you have an account with the Banca Popolare di Roma?

No peeking!

No, I don't.

I'm sorry, can you tell me what this is about?

Did you lose your wallet recently or leave it unattended?

- I don't know, I don't remember. - He says he doesn't remember.

- Hang on... - He's remembered.

- Last week in Berlin maybe. - In Italy.

- I'll have to think. - He doesn't remember.

- I'm thinking... - It's all the same.

Cappelletti, I'm launching print mode.

Keep your head down or you'll get hurt.

He always gets it here!

- No, I mean, he might... - What...?

Identity theft. It's not the exact term, but we understand each other.

Somebody might have stolen your data,

but we're not certain. We're investigating. That's all I can say.

But don't you worry,

because all we need now is this pseudo formality.

Identity theft?

If you please, sign at the bottom.

- Is that it? - Wait, relax. Don't be in a rush.

Now for the other business.

The other business?

You thought you'd get away with it. We found the girl's body today.

I'm kidding!

I'm kidding.

No girl has died.

No, no, she was only found raped.

You're the only suspect.

Cappelletti, did you hear what I said?

Sir, that's enough!

Did you hear what Cappelletti said? "That's enough."

Is there anything else?

Mr Durloni, is there anything else?

Excuse me, I'm tired, I've been working hard.

- What do you do? - I'm a lawyer.

A lawyer? What's the difference between a lawyer and an enema?

No difference, they both go up your arse and clean you out!

My goodness! My goodness!

If you want to leave, the lift is first on the left out the door.

Don't press minus-one, it goes straight underground.

Sir!

What did you do to your leg?

A sprain.

On you go.

Go!

- Hi, Dad. - Hi, Giacomino.

I came...

- I came to get you. - Yes.

But I have to tell you something.

I didn't do it.

- I didn't do it. - What?

I'm keeping it, Umberto, I want to keep it.

I...didn't want any of this.

I know, Umberto.

Maybe this time we won't get anything wrong.

Yeah, maybe.

All right.

My client agrees to accept the risk.

Excellent.

Well, at this point, if it suits my clients as well,

I'd say the agreement is made.

And we can have a coffee. This is on us.

Well done.

In the circumstances, we got the best we could.

I know what I'd like to get!

My compliments, also on the part of Mr Maffei, a very successful meeting.

Well, it wasn't easy, but I think we can be pleased.

More than! I would say we should be thinking about new projects.

For example, are you free this evening?

Excuse me, I have to get this.

Hello?

At 8, all right?

You don't have to do anything, trust me. I'll deal with everything.

I don't want to hear any excuses. See you at 8.

My wife, always curious, always impatient.

And sometimes she just has to wait, no?

Crystal wedding, I've organised it all from dinner to the sheets.

And don't ask me for details, even though they're juicy!

Heart attack. I taught him that.

It's really important, first you open your eyes wide...

Giacomino, come here.

Giacomino! Giacomino! Come here. Giacomino!

Come back here. If Umbertino wakes up...

Giacomino, don't go through the flowerbeds!