Original subtitles

Scary intro music plays.

Good evening. A warm welcome to all you creatures of the night.

We have a delightful mix of films to shock, terrify, and frighten you all.

If you have a weak heart, a weak bladder, or are prone to nightmares you should turn back now.

This film features terrifying ghosts, zombies, demons, werewolves…

and hamsters!

MOM!

I'm making my movie and Ray is ruining it!

(off screen) You play nice with your brother!

But mom…

(off screen) I SAID play nice with your brother!

Fine… what do you want?

Well, I like everybody else want to see hamsters.

This is a horror anthology. That doesn't work at ALL!

You heard mom you have to play nice.

Fine. Can I go back to making my intro now? (Hiss).

And I'm talking about a lot of hamsters, like 50/50.

Really? is there anything else I can do for you?

Yeah, you know what?

I'd actually like to be in the movie. A BUNCH!

MOOOM!

(off screen) If I have to come in there, you're going to be sorry!

If you get to be in the movie, then I get to be in it too.

Sure, it's your movie!

And now from the depths of hell we bring you HORROR and HAMSTERS!

Scary Music plays.

You know… You should show a trailer before the movie, like they do in the theatres!

MOTHER FUCKER!

Upbeat music plays.

I can't believe your uncle's letting us use his cabin for Thanksgiving! I can't

believe you girls agreed to co-ed sleeping arrangements! We'll see about

that! You can brother better behave yourselves! Hey! Brad and Andrew Warner are true

gentleman and don't you forget it! Speak for yourself man, I plan on being

all kinds of inappropriate!

Scary tone plays.

Great, now what are we gonna do? Do what the sign says

I guess… follow the detour.

What is this place? It's not our uncle's cabin, that's for sure. We need to stop

somewhere, we're only going to get more lost.

What is this stuff? I think it's like a laptop, but thicker. I think

this goes into that.

(Gunshots and shotgun blasts are heard along with screaming.)

What's he doing to them?

we shouldn't be here! Do you think the snuff films were real?

they can't be! You saw it with your own two eyes Brad! He shot them, He shot

them in the face over and over!

There's someone outside!

What is it? It's ducks.

He shot their beaks off!

The subject is beyond our help and beyond our control.

The psychological trauma has left a severe speech impediment.

We attempted to correct his aberrant behavior, but our failed craniotomy has

left his skull horrifically swollen. The patient is homicidal. He is focused

on one thing only. Killing every living thing he encounters.

(Scream)

There's nowhere for you to run, you little rascal.

(Quiet gasp)

Come out come out wherever you are!

Oh, hello!

(Demented laugh)

Okay! Dave is out in front with Mark and Diane way behind. Dave you're

having a banner night. You really know your stuff!

Thanks, I'm feeling really good right now. I could get used to this! Well, don't get

too comfy, this last question will determine whether or not you join us

again next week. Are you ready? I'm ready. Alright, here we go.

Who averaged one patent for every three weeks of his life?

Thomas Edison? Correct!

316 ohms? Correct! Ted Dibiase the Million Dollar Man? Correct again!

Harmonium carbonate? Correct!

Dave, you have just set the record for the longest winning

streak in the history of our show! Congratulations!

I don't think you've missed a single question this entire run. Dave how do you

do it? It uh, it just takes hard work and a little sacrifice.

Well Dave you'll be joining us again

next week for our season finale, where you'll be competing for $100,000.

Good night everyone and thanks for joining us.

Come, come in my needful hour. Rise, rise destroy and devour!

(Deep Rumbling)

I rise from my slumber awaken my… oh come on Dave… What the hell!

I'm so sorry Lord Belphegor. I know. I know you told me not to call on you again, but…

I'm an ancient Godlike being Dave. I've got a lot going on.

I can't just drop what I'm doing every time you want to win a few

thousand dollars on some game show.

I know, I know it's just…

I swear, that this is the last time. Next week is the season finale, and if I win

I'm set for life. I brought you another baby… for the ritual.

Well, Dave, now I want two babies.

What? No!

No please! I've given you so many. What are you doing with all these babies anyway?

I'm a Demon Dave. What do you think? And you know what? I'm trying real hard not

to eat you right now. So give me another baby, and I'll give you the answers.

Or don't. Either way, this is the last time.

Now what's it going to be?

All right! We've met the contestants and we've seen our

prizes, so let's get started with our Boy Wonder. You ready Dave? You bet!

All right then, let's get started!

During the Vietnam War, North Vietnamese forces

were able to move soldiers and supplies along the Ho Chi Minh Trail, which passed

along the border between Vietnam and which two countries?

Cambodia and Thailand?

The circumference of Jupiter? The Godfather PartII?

That is incorrect.

I'm sorry Dave, but none of your answers tonight have been correct. I'm afraid

that ends your run on the show, but you're not going home empty-handed, far

from it. Tell us Dave, do you have any plans for your record winnings?

You know, I'm confident that I'll be back on the show again someday. I'm gonna study hard

and make the necessary sacrifices. in the meantime,

I think I'm gonna use my winnings to find children in need.

There are a lot of helpless babies out there.

(offscreen) What are you doing with all these babies anyway?

(Singing) is that a wink or did you just blink at me? 'Cuz I don't mind, no, because when I come

by you get stuck on my side, the whole world could go by, you said you were mine.

Thirsty for me, put your ring in your pocket, I'm 23. Thirsty, I see, that your

heads wet from your sweat, baby can't you see

that I only like you, there's no beginning and there's no end.

One more drink before we call it a night? I can make you something special.

(Sinister tone)

What do you think?

Not bad, Thanks! Special eh? What's in it? Ginger ale, um, ice and what else?

It's really hot in here.

HELP!

HELP!

(Crying and whimpering)

Shh! Shh!

No one can hear you. We're closed on weekdays. Why are you doing this?

You know, honestly, I like you.

I did almost just let you go.

Almost.

Have you ever hallucinated before? Once this stuff kicks in you're gonna be

seeing some pretty amazing things. You might not even notice when I get to work.

You don't have to do this. Just let me go, I promise I won't tell anyone!

You don't have to worry, I'm not the rapey type.

I've got a… different set of urges.

Please don't kill me.

Hmm I've changed my mind. It's a bit of a waste, this is the good stuff.

You're letting me go?

It's your lucky day! Well, not 'I'm letting you go' lucky, but

luckier than most people who end up in my chair.

Aren't you listening? I said

it's your lucky day. I just started watching a new show and

I'm at the season finale, so I want to get back to it.

I'll make this quick…

for both of us.

(SCREAM) (Empty Click)

Ugh.

Do you know how much I paid for this thing?

(Loud bang as shotgun goes off)

SCREAM

That's what you get, you sick FUCK!

(Frustrated cry)

(Crying)

I'm gonna starve to death.

I'm gonna die here.

You're not giving up that easy are you?

(SCREAM)

That's a terrible noise, please stop.

How…?

I know you've had a lot to take in, but remember, when I

injected you? Back before I accidentally blew half my head off with a shotgun?

GET ME OUT OF HERE!

OK, I got this.

Ok… I got this…

(SCREAMS)

Jesus Christ!

You shouldn't take the Lord's name in vain.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut Up!

If you're gonna be rude let me throw a few pieces of reality at you.

What are you talking about?

You're right! Totally gonna starve to death and die here!

But what you didn't count on is you're gonna lose all dignity first.

You're gonna piss yourself and you're gonna shit your pants.

Then, you're gonna get so thirsty you're gonna try and drink that piss.

Can you feel it happening? Are you getting thirsty yet?

I'm not gonna die here SHITHEAD!

You're a princess, you're not strong enough.

You don't know anything about pain. Your life's been too easy.

you can't free yourself. You would rather die here in your own shit than experience

any real pain.

(Painful grunt)

(painful struggling)

(flesh ripping and crying)

SEE? SEE? Not weak… Not going to die here…

BITCH!

What the fuck?

Hi! You've been out of it for quite a while.

Maybe I should have given you a smaller dose. It sounded like you saw

some pretty crazy shit though!

I was free…I don't understand.

Everyone sees something different.

I'm not a monster though, this is my final gift to you, and all my guests.

Let's get started. Shall we? (evil giggle)

So, if we sign the papers today, we can demolish by Thursday?

if you sign today, I'll make the call right now.

Wait! Carl we should have our Halloween party here!

Don't you think people might find that a little unsettling?

Oh that? Don't you worry about that. They won't be back! I took their key.

No more squatter's rights for them.

See honey? nothing to worry about.

Also, if there was… I'd be more worried about that.

And the fact that there's no electricity?

So we buy candles, and lights and glow sticks. Please?

Alright, let's do it!

Hee, hee, yes!

(Knock on door)

Shelly!

I thought you were going to be Bride of Frankenstein.

Nope! Sexy hobo.

That's not even a thing!

I've seen sexy hobos!

Happy Halloween!

Sexy hobo! Me likey!

(Heavy muffled breathing)

(Party music plays)

(heavy muffled breathing)

Can I take my makeup off yet? it's so itchy! No!

(Knock on Door)

Trick or treat!

Aren't you a little old to be trick-or-treating?

Aren't you a little old in general?

(Door Knocks)

Ah, fucking kids…

Don't let them have the key! End of the world… your problem now…

Is he dead? Ewww… I don't know.

(Girlish Scream)

(Female clown laughs)

Whoa… scary mask bro…

Honk Honk!

(SCREAMS)

(Girlish screams, Clown laughing )

Shelly! Shelly!

(Clown laughing) Oh God!

Shelly! I don't want to die! Shelly!

(Clown laughing, Carl crying)

(Stabbing squelch, clown cries out)

(clown laughs)

Why'd you come to the basement? Now we're stuck in the fucking creepiest place in the house!

Carl! I just saved your fucking life!

But I mean, the back door was right over there…

Shhhhh!

Did you hear that? I don't hear anything.

That's the problem.

(Door crashes open, screams)

(Female clown laughs)

(Whimper)

Jesus! What happened? I took care of it.

I would have beat the shit out of that fucking

clown, but he sucker-punched me you know?

(Female clown laughing)

Our contestants are assessing the course. the course consists of the hurdles,

a seesaw, hoops, a hamster walk, and finishes with the weaving poles. Let's begin with

our first contestant, Porkchop. She has a question for the judges.

Yes Porkchop, the race has started.

Wow! she's like a flash! Let's see that in slow-mo.

A cautious approach to the seesaw. Better take it slow, but accurate

rather than chance losing some points.

Yes! She made it!

Now the hoops.

Amazing! What an impressive

mastering of this obstacle. Let's get that from another angle.

Who doesn't love a fluffy butt cam?

Another slow but steady tactic as she heads over the hamster walk.

The next obstacle is the weaving poles.

This is an assisted event because, well they're hamsters.

What a great finish for Porkchop! that's going to be hard to beat!

Now it's Dumptruck's turn to impress.

Wow! She'll need to go back and redo this part if she doesn't want to lose any points.

Smart choice Dumptruck!

She's back on track!

A determined run on the seesaw. She's picking up speed and I think she

gained some ground here .

Now the hoops.

Perfect first jump. Can she keep it up?

Ouch, a handler assist that'll cost her.

She's really picking up speed on the hamster walk. Things could turn around.

Weave… weave… weave… Yes! a fantastic run at the poles.

let's see our standings.

Dumptruck finishes with the fastest time on the course

but don't get too excited yet,

she's incurred a two second penalty for

the handler assist.

Final tallies: Porkchop is the winner!

Congratulations Porkchop!

A fantastic run for both of our competitors.

Dumptruck will be going home with the silver medal. She showed some impressive speed in the

race today, but it just wasn't enough to take the

gold away from Porkchop.

A well-deserved win. Let's have a big round of applause

for both of our tiny fluffy athletes!

Hey babe? Still here?

Sarah?

(Distorted voice on phone) Hello, Phil.

Who is this? What have you done to my wife?

What have I done to her?

Is it money you want? I can get you money. Just no one has to get hurt.

As much as you can from the bank. Head to the address I am sending you.

You have fifteen minutes.

So, what did you tell your wife?

The usual, I'm working late.

(phone rings)

You're late.

Get out of the car.

I did what you asked, I've got the money.

See that man over there? Give him every

dollar that you have. (phone clicks)

I'm supposed to give this to you.

Then I'm supposed to give you this. I didn't really believe her, but here you are.

Her? What did…

(Phone rings)

I did what you asked, now let her go!

Your wife will be free soon enough. You've got ten minutes get to the gym.

FUCK!

You know she doesn't mean anything to me anymore… it's just it's just complicated.

You told me months ago that you would leave her. I'm not interested in being

your… your plaything on the side.

Angie! I just need more time.

Tell her, or I'll take care of it myself.

She's lost her fucking mind!

Hello?

I know who this is. I know it's you Angie.

Aren't you clever?

it doesn't have to be like this! I don't love her anymore. You and I are meant to

be together, but but not like this.

I'm sending you one last address. Time to end this.

Angie!?

(muffle warnings)

(WOODEN THWACK)

(Muffled) Why are you doing this?

(Click, sounds play from a sex tape. The voices are Phil and Angie's.)

I wanted to hurt you, like you hurt me.

I told you your wife would be free soon.

NOOOO!

(Gunshot)

(Gunshot)

Now I am.

Ahhhhhh! Braaains!

Braaains!

Brains!

Braaaaaaaains!

Braaaains!

Braaaaaaains!

Brains!

Braaains!

BRAINS!

BRAINS! Use your brains!

You have to push, not pull!

That was excellent James. I'm very pleased with tonight.

I'm glad you enjoyed yourself Mrs. Welton.

Mmmm, so am I. I hate being disappointed, particularly

when I've been looking forward to something all week. That is so annoying.

Well I can understand why it would be. I do my best to avoid situations like that.

That you do! There's no denying that. You do your utmost, one might even say.

Thank you. You're too kind.

No. I'm not actually. Your envelope is on the Davenport in the vestibule.

Shall we meet again on the 14th? Francis will be in Hong Kong.

Certainly. At the usual time?

Yes, that would be amenable.

I'll see you on the 14th then.

Good night James.

Nearest bar. (GPS Chimes in acknowledgement)

(Country Rock music plays in the bar)

What can I get you?

Glenlivet neat.

Are you kidding me?

Look around you. You think this is kind of joint that stocks Glenlivet?

I guess Bowmore Black would be out of the question?

Highland Park? Ardbeg?

Okay what's your best scotch?

How about some Old Onyschuk? Old Onyschuk? Yep, Old Onyschuk.

That's your best scotch?

It's our only scotch.

Okay let's make it a double.

I feel like living dangerously tonight.

It's your liver.

That'll be $6.40.

And worth every penny.

Can't believe you actually drank that.

Your not be as soft as you look.

Oh yeah? watch this.

I'll have another?

Can you pass me the clicker?

What? The remote for the TV. I can't watch any more of that.

That's what I hate about Halloween.

All these stupid old horror movies come crawling out from the rocks they're hiding under.

I don't know, I kinda like it.

What if I told you I'm allergic to zombies?

Fine, you win handsome.

Thanks!

Now that's much better.

If you say so.

Can I ask you another question? it's about the name of this place. How do you pronounce it?

I don't know I just started working here last week.

Oogies?

Oogies? I doubt it. Would a serious

drinker come to a joint called Oogies? Certainly not these fine folks.

You're probably right. What would you call it smart guy?

Well, originally it was two words… during Prohibition this was a speakeasy without

a sign. The two words were a secret code for patrons so that they could

identify that place without getting busted.

You think that's true? sounds kinda far-fetched to me.

Sure! the two words were "oh geez". So one guy might say oh geez I'm

really thirsty, the other guy would know exactly what and where he meant.

That'd be kinda cool, if it were true.

Would I lie to you?

As a matter of fact, you look exactly like the kind of guy who would.

Are you flirting with me?

You know, even today I bet some of the regulars still

use the code name for this place.

You really think so?

Sure! For example "oh geez I can't believe I'm in this dump again."

You're pretty funny, you know that?

Well I do my utmost.

What about you?

How do you say the name of this place?

Fuck you.

No bugging the other customers.

I know how to say it buddy. it's Ojay's, like the band that sings Love Train.

Ojays Tavern. I like the sound of that!

Heh, damn straight.

What about you?

Um, pardon?

You talk too much pretty boy.

Hey! No trouble now, just take it easy.

Hey, why don't you leave him alone

cue ball we're just having some fun.

What the fuck did you just call me?

Cue ball.

I called you a cue ball. I apologize good sir, I shouldn't have called you

a cue ball you're obviously not a cue ball. More like a cue ball with a bad mustache.

That's it, you're done asshole!

(Door creaks open)

Hands up bitch! Don't even think about trying anything stupid. Get over there.

The rest of you too!

Hey! Take it easy Jack!

Get over there with them, meat. Or what? You gonna shoot me? I don't think so.

I'm not going to ask you again. That thing's a fucking joke.

And you… get in my way and

I'll make you eat those fucking Halloween masks. You shouldn't have come

trick-or-treating here today asshole.

(Crack)

(Growl)

(Crash)

Holy Crap!

Here, take it! It's yours. There's three Mastercards and two Visas in it they're still clean.

I could open the safe? I don't know how much is in it…

(Terrible scream from the bathroom)

You can keep your money.

We want you.

She's eating for two again.

(crack)

Who's next?

(Retching)

Oh please, is that really necessary? Don't be such a diva.

I don't think you should have any of that second guy. Definitely not a prime cut.

It's not good for the baby. Okay then, how about this one?

I've had it up to here with all these pukers. No! Please, not me. I have a daughter!

Shut up, meat!

Oh, what do we have here?

a HERO?

Aw, isn't that adorable he wants to be the big hero who rescues the

damsels in distress.

How sweet. I hope he tastes the same.

Only one way to find out.

Save me a bite will ya? I'm feeling a bit peckish.

Of course. Thanks darlin'.

Hey Rover, bite me.

You think you're something special?

You're nothing but a walking talking Big Mac!

Hi There!

Wait!

You gonna beg for your life, pretty little dinner?

I know how to touch you.

Clever little dinner!

Oh geez!

Don't stop!

(suckling)

(stabbing squelch)

(sizzling)

What happened?

(stabbing squelch)

Surprised to see me?

What the fuck?

By the way, she isn't coming back.

AHHHHHHH!

(empty click, stab sound)

Fuck.

Boy! I sure could use a drink!

Of course it's not dead yet. Why would it be that easy?

Can't you smell her on me?

(Sniff)

No! Marsha would never!

(Loud gunshot)

I think I love you!

I'm sorry it took me so long. I didn't have a chance to use this until you distracted them.

Is that whatI was doing? Distracting Them?

I mean, I know you were doing your best to fight them.

You know what? don't worry about it.

We're gonna get out of this hole with our lives, and that makes this my favorite Halloween ever.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You saved our lives!

You're welcome…

Sam.

It's nice to meet you Sam I'm James. No offense

but I'm never coming back here again.

Neither am I. I never wanted to take this stupid job

but I need the paycheck. Don't we all?

Why did you run behind the bar? Why didn't you go for the exit?

Not the smartest move was it? I thought I saw you reach for

something back there when the big guy was beating up on the drunk guy.

My cell phone.

That was not a good moment.

One thing I don't understand though.

I thought those, those things, could only be killed with the silver bullets or something.

Well, evidently massive brain damage also does the trick.

(Loud gunshot)

What the hell? Why'd you do that? It was just a little kid!

No! it was an abomination.

Don't you see? I had to do it! I had no choice! It was gonna become one of them!

I guess monsters come in all shapes and sizes, don't they?

What? What are you talking about?

I'm out of here.

What do you mean? what monsters are there

more of those things out there?

your mascara's running.

oh geez.

what a beautiful day for the beach! So many things to do today!

Clean out my bucket!

So much sand!

Okay, sandcastle…

Yes. very nice.

Lots to do, lots to do, I need a break.

My favorite! Milk and cookies. Well, at least the cookie.

That was good now back to work.

These trees are a mess, my work is never done.

What's that?

Oh my gosh, pirates!

Help! Help! Pirates! Pirates!

Hey Dumptruck!

It's just me, Porkchop!

Oh hi Porkchop, you scared me!

Just a sec I'll come to shore!

(Splash)

Oh no! She doesn't know how to swim!

Hang on Porkchop! I'm bringing a life preserver!

I'm coming!

I'm so glad you're okay, but what are you doing with a pirate ship?

It's great to see you too Dumptruck! Just give me a minute I'll go

change and then I'll explain everything!

Hey! No peeking!

So? Are you ready for this? I found a treasure map it leads to the

legendary Community Chest! Let me see!

Community Chest, you have won second

prize in a beauty contest. No silly! The map is on the other side!

Could you please not eat the map?

Sorry! Hey, look behind us! I know that tree.

This is it. This is the tree on the map! We need to head west from here.

Hurry up Porkchop!

The fire pit! This treasure really does exist, doesn't it!

You betcha it does!

Who on earth would burn sunflower seeds? This is crazy!

Break time over, let's go!

Huh? Wait I have the map!

We are so close I can taste it.

Taste it? Wait, where did you get popcorn from?

Hotel! Hotel marks the spot!

Community Chest here we come! let's get digging!

A dig dig dig, digging for treasure!

I'll go get the shovel! dig dig dig a digging for treasure…

I'm so excited! Porkchop, what are you…?

Nothing! you saw nothing!

Okay Porkchop, keep up the good work.

I'll supervise from over here.

I think I found something!

Holy moly! The treasure!

I'm so excited so excited!

That was hard work I'm exhausted.

Really? You're exhausted?

Let's get the ropes and pull this sucker out of here.

Ropes in place, we're good. Let's pull.

Whoo! let's do this!

I'm too nervous, you look first.

Oh, Who am I kidding? Move out of the way! Let me see! let me see!

What? What is this? Where's the treasure?

Hold up, I see something underneath all this shiny junk.

Sunflower seeds! Best treasure ever!

We'll never need to buy treats again!

Well, at least not until tomorrow!

You must be Tim.

I'm Cassandra.

Yes, hi! I'm him, Tim.

Sorry, I didn't mean for that to rhyme. This isn't normally how I introduced

myself to… stunningly beautiful women.

Normally I am super cool, calm and collected.

Sweating a bit right now though!

It's nice to meet you.

it's nice to meet you too.

Nice pants by the way.

Uh, yeah. I just got back from karate class. Hiya!

I'm one of the star students, and normally I stay behind to teach the

beginners and I forgot to take off my karate pants today.

Hey, do you want to get out of here?

Yeah, sure that'd be great!

We can maybe grab a coffee or something? Or tea if you're not really a coffee drinker?

Or, we could go back to my place and fuck.

Coffee, tea, or me?

Hey. that rhymes too doesn't it?

Yeah, I'm not really a coffee or tea drinker.

Can we maybe turn the lights off or something, please?

You're not gonna try any karate moves on me are you?

I won't. I promise. Cross my heart and hope to die.

I'm gonna hold you to that.

Do you have any protection?

Sorry. I uh, I didn't think I'd I need, you know…

Don't worry about it, I got you covered.

(Stabbing sound) AH!

(Sucking Sound)

So when I showed up to the date, she had four kids with her!

Seriously? Four kids? Yep four! That's unbelievable.

Turns out she was looking for a babysitter, not a date. Can't say I blame her though.

Single mom, four kids really needs to take a break every now and again.

Hey, um where did you park? You didn't take me out here to attack me, did you?

No, no. Attacking women by dumpsters isn't really my style…

unless of course you want me to?

Sounds awfully tempting! I haven't been attacked by a dumpster in at least a week.

Well let's fix that unfortunate situation then. Sounds like a plan.

(Crack!)

Hey Anne? What are you doing? I thought we had a connection?

Yeah, I don't think so asshole.

But we're going to.

(stabbing squelch)

(grunting and whimpers)

Ha ha ha ha! I'm just joking.

I'm not a vampire. Yes you are! You blood sucking parasite.

I'm not a vampire.

I know what you've been doing on SPRK.

I'm not a vampire!

I'm an incubus.

Incubus?

Not like the band. You know I'm sure if I said succubus

you'd know what I was talking about. You have any idea how sexist that is?

People like you always pretend to be so progressive…

I've heard enough bullshit from you.

Oh- oh. You're really starting to piss me off.

Ooooh. Is this you in not angry mode? I mean I'd hate to see…

(fight sounds)

(Tim grunts)

(large crack)

Now, how do I kill you?

I'm starting to think you're not my type.

So why is Batman called the world's greatest detective in the comic books

anyways? I mean come on! he's not exactly Sherlock Holmes is he?

What?

Like, if Commissioner Gordon lights up

the Bat-Signal because someone stole all the fish from the Gotham aquarium…

Was it the Riddler? Was it Two-Face? Catwoman?

No of course not! They're not interested in a bunch of sharks and clownfish.

We all know who done it… so why does Batman have to be the world's greatest

detective to solve this crime?

I really don't understand a word you're saying.

It was the penguin silly!

Who else would it have been? Bane?Actually that would be a cool twist…

(Stabbing Squelch)

Oh… that's different.

Finally! I thought you've never shut up.

What the fuck?

I love you.

You what now?

I love you Tim.

Why the hell would you love me?

Because that's what I do.

FUCK YOU!

That's also what I do babe. It's kind of a two-for-one deal.

Do you think this is Fifty Shades or something?

What?

(Sucking Sound)

(banging on floor)

Hey! Keep it down up there!

Sorry! Won't happened again!

Sir? Mr. Hughes…

I am truly sorry that your wife didn't make it.

But there's someone here who would really like to meet you.

I don't know whether to love you or hate you.

Be at peace, father.

Holy God, what was that?

It's me. Your as yet to be named son.

That's crazy. I'm going crazy!

No crazies here father. Through a

completely random and brilliant combination of DNA, you and mother have

created the most evolved human being ever to exist.

Your lips aren't moving.

This is all in my head.

Correct on both counts, father. But it is

taking place in both of our heads. I have formed a telepathic link with you to

express my thoughts, though I'm more evolved than any 10 of you Apes put

together; you included. no offense.

None taken?

I still have the vocal chords of a day old infant, so brain talking it is.

Now quickly I need your help and time is running out!

What can I do?

You can change me. I made a poopie.

I'm not kidding! It's all over the place in here.

Thank you Father. You know, when I bring the world

underneath my heel, I'll need good people to help do the

disgusting jobs of the world. Play your cards right and you'll have this job for

the rest of your pathetic life.

Hey watch your mouth I'm your father you should respect me.

Right. Well, with all due respect father,

I'm your genetic superior and you will learn your place soon enough.

Oh really?

I'd like to see you try?

Are you challenging me?

Of course not…

you're a baby. I win.

Insolence! Do you know how many brain lobes

I operate in my head? Sixteen! Sixteen brain lobes.

You don't seem to grasp the situation plebe! I call the shots now. I have power you can't

even understand! You'll follow me on your knees!

Take it easy now son… don't you

Dont you patronize me… I killed mother and I can't kill you too!

It was easy! And as soon as I can walk I'm going to take over. Any of you

monkeys that's hand in my way will burn in fires built fifty feet high!

I'll terrorize nuns and such puppies, and starve entire populations…

(grunt and smash sound)

Oh, Jesus Christ… what have I done?

Oh no; You're good…

I would have done the same thing. That kid was totally fucked up.

Really?

If he was as smart as he said he was, he would have learned to respect his elders.

Thanks Jesus!

Alright… I'll admit it! Your idea wasn't half bad!

I'm really glad to hear you say that

because I've got a great idea for a sequel!