Original subtitles

Yes, I know it's the 22nd,

but you must have an extra organic free-range turkey

flapping around there somewhere.

Okay, I'll hold on.

You're up early.

Well, not early enough.

I forgot the powdered sugar for the pfeffernussen.

Pfeffer-what? Nussen. Pfeffernussen

ah.

Yeah, they're Kevin's absolute favorite cookie.

Oh, he's had such a stressful time lately...

With this whole foster adoption thing. Oh, thank you.

I just wanted to make...

mulling spices.

Mulling spices for the hot wine.

This is Kitty's first year without Robert,

and we have to keep her good and mulled.

What?

Oh. All right. Listen,

can... can you wrangle me up a goose?

A great big one. Yeah.

Okay, good. Well, then call me back.

You forgot to worry about Justin.

No, I didn't. I made him a big batch of ginger...

Oh!

Oh.

Downloaded from www.opensubtitles.org

My gingerbread people.

I incinerated them.

I can't do this. Why am I even bothering

with his huge, over-the-top extravaganza

when I know the kids are dreading it?

They're... they're probably making fun of me right now

for how I cram Christmas down their throats.

For 2 cents, I'd Chuck it all and... and... and... and what?

I don't know. If I knew, maybe I'd do it.

Okay. Then, uh... close your eyes

and visualize what it is you'd rather be doing.

It's Santa.

Hey, hey, it's Santa.

Oh, yeah. Apparently he has a fondness

for a shot of cognac in his cappuccino.

Would one of you take a picture of me with him?

Oh, no, no, no, no. Rein it in, Rudolph.

He's working at the Christmas fair down the street.

Let him get drunk in peace.

Oh, look, it's a Christmas card from Joan and Jesse.

Let me see. Oh, my gosh. You know, that could be us next year?

Our very own little Christmas card family. Saul?

Jonathan?

Oh, my God. How are you?

Jonathan, hi. How are you?

It's been a long time. Yeah, yeah. You're looking good.

Thanks. Thank you. So are you.

I wish I could stay and talk,

but I'm late for the "messiah" at Disney hall.

Uh, will you call me? Y-yeah, I will.

Great. Well, merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Hope to hear from you soon.

Hallelujah hallelujah

hallelujah, hallelujah hallelujah

hallelujah

as resilient as the radio station has been

over the last year, all my research is telling me that...

Guys, could we turn this music down, like, way down, please?

My research is telling me that we can attract bigger sponsors

if we switch out drive time from arts and "entertainment"

to weather, traffic, news.

So there's gonna be a few changes...

Effective immediately.

If you're firing me three days before Christmas,

can I call my wife and tell her to return

the adorable little one-eyed puppy

that we bought my daughter, who's just been diagnosed...

Very funny, Frank. You're hilarious.

But, no, you don't get away that easily.

There are some staff reductions, however,

that I'm gonna ask you to make

as a hedge against another downturn.

Oh, God.

Who put nutmeg in the coffee?

Not feeling the x-mas spirit this year?

And your kids are in Mexico snorkeling with their dad.

I swear, if I hear another bell jingle,

I am gonna strangle an elf. You can take care of that?

Great. It's mom. Let the Christmas pageant begin.

Frank, if you need me over the next three days,

I'm gonna be at my mother's,

stringing Cranberries on dental floss.

Excuse me, nurse.

I was wondering

if you had anything for a guilty conscience.

Uh, no. I don't believe there's a cure for that yet.

Just gotta live with it.

Ooh.

So what brings you here, Justin?

Actually, I'm here to see you.

What's so funny?

Well, considering it's been, what... over a month,

I mean, I don't know, why don't you tell me?

Yeah, look, I'm sorry. I-I know I should've called.

I, um, I've just been busy trying to be a paramedic,

and, um... You're gonna be a paramedic?

Mm.

Oh, great.

What, bad news?

No, emergency Christmas meeting at my mom's.

Here comes the creamed onions, and the frosted window panes,

and the little train that goes through the village.

Look, Annie, I'm s... I'm sorry.

I mean it. I know I flaked,

and I'd really love a second chance, so...

If you're up for it,

I'd really love to hear from you.

Will there be figgy pudding?

Figgy what?

Pudding.

At your family's Christmas, is there gonna be figgy pudding?

Oh, uh, figgy pudding. Yeah.

Yeah, of course there's gonna be figgy pudding.

My mom makes figgy pudding. Really?

Yeah, she, like, wins awards and stuff.

You know what? That sounds really wonderful actually.

I've... I've always wanted a Christmas like that.

You know, like the old movies?

Well, do you have plans?

Well, if I had plans, would I have basically

just invited myself to your family Christmas?

Mm. Mm.

I can't remember the last time I had sex on a futon.

Um, yesterday.

Right.

And the day before that.

Mm-hmm. All right.

I get it.

Oh, what did... Where is it?

Oh.

Oh, wow. Look at that.

My mother's discovered texting just in time for the holidays.

My mother's christmases

are like the opening ceremonies for the winter Olympics.

Mm.

Mm. How about you?

Um, y-you know,

there's probably, uh, something I should tell you

about... home.

Um, I-I haven't yet because I thought that...

Shh. Shh. Don't.

I like the mystery.

Does that work for you?

It's probably better that way.

I spoke to human resources a week ago about that list.

Could somebody please just e-mail it to me?

Thank you. Kiss me. I'm under the mistletoe.

Oh, well, look up, frosty. There ain't no mistletoe.

And there's no swagging on the banister

and no pinecone wreath. And

the Christmas tree is just standing there, naked.

What? What about the village and the train?

Not even unpacked yet.

What?! Good, good, good. You're all here.

What's going on, mom? Yeah, you're cutting it a little close.

Oh, you have no idea. I can't believe

we got a flight out tonight. I hope we make it.

Oh, no. We're not all flying to the north pole, are we? Aw.

Oh, my God. No. This isn't easy.

Um... well, you know how busy I've been,

and Karl and I have not been able

to spend as much time together as we would like,

and we all like Karl, don't we?

I'll take that as a yes.

So I...

Mom, just spit it out.

Seriously. Yeah.

I'm not having Christmas this year.

I'm going to Santa Fe with Karl.

W...

I know. It just seems rash and... and impulsive,

but I've always dreamed of spending Christmas there,

with the snow and the little candles

in the paper bags on the rooftops.

I know it sounds like a fire hazard,

but it looks so beautiful in the magazines,

and I'm sure you will all have a much better time

without me around being all me.

There he is. I have to go.

So... the decorations are all stacked in the living room.

Take whatever you want, and if you have a problem,

one single problem, then call me.

I will have my cell phone with me every second.

Okay.

Here I go.

I love you all.

Merry Christmas.

Hmm. I...

Did she just...

Cancel Christmas?

Oh, frankly, I'm relieved.

What kind of mother would do that?

I'm gonna get back to the office.

You guys figure out what you want to do, and I'll be there.

Talk about coal in your stocking. Wait a minute.

Maybe this is a good thing, guys.

Maybe it's time for us to start building our own traditions.

I mean, maybe you guys should all come over to my house.

Yeah! I'm gonna get a tree.

I'm gonna make a turkey. I... You know what, Kitty?

You don't have to go to all that trouble.

Oh, no, no, no, no, it's no trouble at all.

Yeah, you know, your house... I don't know.

It's kind of... modern. Our place is perfect.

Okay, let's figure this out, guys.

I have a lot riding on it.

No, Kevin, I really want to have it at my house.

Why? You always make fun of the way mom does Christmas.

I do not. You do. Look, let's just do it at mine.

It'll be bigger, better, brighter... Better?

Well, look, I mean...

Wow. No.

Okay, no. I'm going home.

No, Kit, I didn't mean "better ," like mine would be better...

We'll talk about it tomorrow, Kevin. Kit.

No. "Better," Kevin? Wow. I don't care who does it.

Please have some figgy freakin' pudding there.

Kitty, I'm sorry. I didn't mean better.

I just meant different.

But I still think we should all come here.

Well, it's too late, Kevin. I already got a tree.

You know what? We just bought two. Oh. Ah!

Oh. What was that?

Uh, nothing. Nothing. And guess what else.

I found a caterer who works on Christmas.

I have one word for you... Scotty.

Okay, fine. So we're at an impasse.

We're gonna let Sarah decide

because she's the oldest.

Sarah isn't exactly

the grand master of the Christmas parade this year.

Oh. Um, I gotta go. Well...

Ugh.

Hi. Hey.

Hi. Hi, so... there it is.

After the church of Loretto,

we can hit the palace of governors,

which, according to this, is the oldest

continuously occupied public space in north America.

Huh. Funny. I thought that was my kitchen.

I just remembered...

The mold for the cranberry ring isn't in the kitchen.

It's under the philodendron on the back porch.

Kevin's never gonna find it. I better call him.

Nora, Kevin has a perfectly good pair of eyes in his head.

He's okay. Mmm.

Oh, Karl, this is really wonderful.

It's exactly as I visualized it...

Snow on the windows,

you and me and... not a candied yam in sight.

So... in 1680,

the pueblo people rose up

and slaughtered 380 spaniards, plus...

slaughtered, slaughtered. No, they can't get a turkey.

They're gonna have to go with a goose. Nora, Nora.

I thought we were just gonna

leave all that behind. Okay? Well, yeah, but...

They're fine. If they needed you, they would've called,

and they haven't, right?

No, they haven't.

Now... let's get back to the spaniards.

Nothing like a good massacre

to put you in the Christmas spirit.

There you go.

My mother insists on doing this strand by strand.

But if you do it this way, it just falls more naturally.

Yeah, I feel like, uh,

Jackson Pollock throwing paint at a canvas.

Okay. Okay. Let's see what we've got.

Yeah? Okay.

Okay, drumroll, please.

And...

Okay, well, you know, it's not Rockefeller center,

but... but it is... it is charming.

Yes. Yeah, you know, it's... it's, um, it's minimal.

Think... think... think Hemingway, think Bauhaus.

Actually, I was thinking Charlie brown.

That's my favorite character in fiction.

You're good.

You know, you are very sweet. Thank you for helping me.

Mm.

Mm. If that is somebody named Kevin, ignore him.

I'm coming. Hey!

Hi! Hey. We're here.

Yeah, hi, hi. Hello. Hey.

All right. Okay.

You guys are, uh, you're so early.

Well, this is Seth. This is Evan, my son.

Oh. Oh. You want to say hi?

And, uh... hey, man.

This is my... my brother Justin. Seth... I'm Justin.

Oh, hey, Justin. How are you? Nice to meet you.

Seth was helping me decorate the tree. Ah.

Okay, let's... let's put some tinsel on the tree.

How was the, uh, Christmas fair?

Uh, well, the fair was kind of a bust, actually.

The line to meet Santa was over two blocks long.

So we just waved and smiled at him.

Aw. Oh, well, okay.

You know what? I'm gonna take you to see Santa another time.

Actually, we got to write a letter instead.

Macy's has this cool "believe" campaign.

For every letter to Santa that you bring in to the store,

they'll donate $1 to the make-a-wish foundation.

So Evan wrote a letter, I wrote a letter,

and I wrote a letter for you. And what did I ask Santa for?

A wireless DVD player to go along

with the 52-inch flat screen that I asked for.

Wow. That's so generous of me.

I mean, you're the best.

Oh, um, I guess Evan wants to

show me some dinosaurs. Well, that's pretty much

a requirement of everyone he meets.

Oh. Okay.

Kitty. What?

Kitty. What?

So this is the guy you're hiding from us?

He's younger than I am. I'm not hiding him. He...

We-we're just... we're just having fun.

Yeah, well, it seemed like I was interrupting some fun

when I knocked on the... No, no, Justin,

he was helping me with the Christmas tree.

Which is very christmassy, isn't it?

Uh, I-I guess, yeah.

But you're... you're gonna do more, right?

Well, what... what do you mean, "more"?

Well, I... I mean, look at the fireplace.

Look how lonely it looks without stockings. Well...

And where is the figgy pudding? Okay,

you know what, Justin? You have to stop pressuring me.

It's not my fault

that you invited some Christmas-starved girl over here

to gawk at us like we're some holiday diorama.

Kitty, I'm not asking for miracles here.

Just spruce it up a little bit.

Have you been over to Kevin's yet?

No, but I hear he's really motivated. Two Christmas trees.

Exactly. It's confusing. What is poor Santa to do?

Which one is he gonna put the presents under, Justin?

All I'm saying is, this place is a little bare.

It's minimal. Yeah.

You wanted to see me?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I did.

Listen, Frank, yesterday... eggnog?

No, thanks, Frank.

Yesterday I gave you a list of terminations

that I needed made.

I hear that there's a team of radio hosts who haven't...

Yeah, Sarah, I'm sorry, but Abner and Louise

have had a show on this station for 35 years.

They're an institution. Could you please turn off your tie

while I'm talking to you?

The show is their life.

You kick 'em out, they have no place to go.

Yeah, well, it's Christmas. There's no room at the inn.

You want to fire Abner and Louise,

you're gonna have to do it yourself.

As a matter of fact,

they're just finishing up their show now,

so be my guest. Fine.

Honestly, I'm a little surprised, Frank,

that a manager as good as you is not a little more proficient

in the fine art of... letting people go.

Tell the children what you're getting for Christmas, Abner?

A dummy on radio, Frank?

They started out in vaudeville, together.

Oh, Abner,

do you think you could manage a nice good night

to all of our friends out there?

Good night...

You were saying, about the fine art of letting people go?

I'm Sarah, the station owner.

What do you think?

I mean, we're still waiting for the Kris Kringle cocoa cups,

but so far, pretty good, right?

Um, yeah, well, you know, to... to be honest,

I think we could probably use a little more sugar plum

and a-a little less... fairy.

What, I-is it the golden girls tree toppers?

No, Kevin, it's everything, all right?

Where... where's... where's the... the toy soldiers?

Where's the... the nutcracker? Where's the figgy pudding?

What? I'm sorry, but I-I need this Christmas to be like,

you know, like the old Christmas movies

with... with Jimmy Stewart, where he's... where he's crying. Crying?

Because he's happy. You know, like hap-happy tears, Kevin.

And little miss yule log cabin republican,

how is it at her place? It's a little sad.

I'm not gonna lie to you.

Yeah. Look, Kevin, I really like this girl, okay?

And I promised her a Christmas like, uh...

I don't know, like... like mom's.

Wait. What?

I know just what we need, without which

no Walker Christmas is a Walker Christmas.

Your hot nurse is gonna love this.

Hold on to your sleigh bells, Bucko.

I'm gonna be right back. Ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho!

Oh.

I almost have the feeling back in my toes.

It was warm in the cathedral.

Thanks to the 20,000 tourists in there with us.

One for every cutesy little gift shop on the Plaza.

They don't tell you about that in the magazines.

Oh, somehow I don't think this turned out the way you wanted.

Karl, no, it's... it's not Santa Fe. Honestly.

It's... it's... it's me.

My children don't call me for one day, and I'm a wreck.

I told them to have their own wonderful Christmas,

and they... seem to be doing just that.

And why is that a problem?

Exactly. Exactly. Why is it a problem?

It's not a problem. It's just me. It's just me.

Look at me. I'm like... I have the D.T.S.

It's like I've... it's like

I've gone cold turkey or something. Nora...

No, no, it's true. I'm a junkie,

and I'm jonesing for my children to call me

and ask me something, anything.

How many cups of sugar go into a Hungarian nut foldover?

I-I-I get high on them needing me.

But it's not fair to them.

God. I'm a vampire, sucking the life out of my children.

No, Nora. Addict, maybe.

Vampire, no. Listen... oh.

It is my professional opinion

that you're just little bit out of your head right now.

Well, how do I get back into it?

Well... I would prescribe a good night's sleep.

Oh.

Now it just so happens that I never leave home

without my little stash of mild sedatives.

Sleeping in strange hotels is not my forte.

So...

Well...

If it's my only hope.

Oh...

How did I ever get to be such a terrible mother?

Oh, I should've run away years ago.

They would've been a hell of a lot better off without me.

Oh.

"Christmas tree topper, garland, lights."

Where's the train? Where's the train?

Oh, my God. There is so much stuff.

"Decorations, gift wrapping,

"Christmas lights. Bows."

"Santa's village."

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Oh, my...

Oh, my God, Kevin. Kevin, you scared me.

What's going on, Kit?

Nothing. I just popped by

to... to get some tinsel. Tinsel?

Tinsel. You know, for the tree.

I know what tinsel's for.

Good. So now I have my tinsel. So I'm going to go.

Why does it say "Santa's village" on your box?

It does? Mm-hmm.

You think you're real crafty, don't you?

Only you forgot one thing.

Mom puts Santa's village in the "Santa's village" box,

but she puts his train... in "candles and icicles."

Whoops.

Really, Kevin, is this what it's come to?

Why don't you give me the village?

Because we all know it doesn't mean anything without the train.

But the train doesn't mean anything without the village,

so... I set it up every year.

I know where the general store goes, the post office,

the little town square gazebo.

It would be useless in your hands.

Just give me the village.

This isn't about the village, is it, Kevin?

You know, in fact, this is about who's going to carry

the Walker torch after mom isn't here anymore.

Your words, not mine.

Always the lawyer, aren't you?

It's so typical of a politician to blame a lawyer.

Right from the beginning, you just assumed it was your right.

So did you. No, I'm fighting for my right

because I'm sick and tired of everyone thinking

- that Scotty and I aren't a real family. - Oh, my God.

Did you just play the gay card?

Because you come from the most loving, liberal family

known to man.

Mom couldn't be more gay friendly if she twirled a Baton

up Santa Monica boulevard in a Cher costume.

If you're so tolerant, let me do Christmas.

Did it ever occur to you

that I need to show my son that we are still a family

after everything that we've been through?

I'm not allowed to use the gay card,

but you're allowed to pull the widow card?

I cannot believe that you just said that.

I'm sorry you're being so intractable.

I'm not the one foaming at the mouth

like some Christmas crackhead.

- Well, maybe we shouldn't do it together this year. - Fine by me.

Go ahead, Kevin. Go have your 2-tree'd,

l.G.B.T.'D, politically correct,

"don me now my gay apparel" holiday extravaganza

without me.

Enjoy the train.

Enjoy the village.

They would've been

a hell of a lot better off without me.

Better off without me, without me,

without me.

I told you I would take care of it.

Listen, I'll have the money back in the bank account

by the end of the month.

I didn't think you would make it.

Little meltdown on the domestic front,

but I'm here.

Kevin?

- They can't hear you, Nora. - Nice vest.

Mm. You're not here.

Sorry we're late. The little angels

decided their Christmas dresses were too scratchy

till their daddy told his princesses how pretty they look.

Kevin's married?

To a woman?

Merry Christmas, auntie Sarah.

No sticky fingers. It's lacroix.

With kids? He always did want children.

- Let's go look at the presents. - No peeking.

- Are you ready for this? - No.

But nothing a couple of shots of bourbon won't fix.

Karl, what's happening?

You always thought your kids would've been better off

if you'd run away years ago.

- Well, now you can see for yourself. - Where did I run away to?

A condo in Boca.

Boca? That's impossible. My mother lives there.

Come. There's more to see.

Oh, my God.

Who decorated this place, the tooth fairy?

Hey, Kev, Sarah, this is, uh, angel.

Which is perfect for Christmas.

Oh, my God. He's drunk.

Yes, he's always drunk now.

You see, there was no one there to rally the troops

- for his intervention. - She's on the top of the tree.

She flies 'cause she's got wings.

Who's he gonna bring over for Easter... Bunny?

Kitty.

Well, why is she mumbling like that?

Without you there to rebel against,

she never found her voice.

Who's this one from, daddy?

- Well, let's see, shall we? - She's got wings.

"With love, from grandma Nora." Wow.

Who's grandma Nora?

- "Who's grandma Nora? " - Oh, you girls are too young to remember.

But guess what. She'll be here tonight,

- so you'll get to see her. - Yeah, briefly.

Hello, my darlings.

Nana! Nana!

"Nana. Nana."

What is holly doing here?

You didn't really expect William

to remain alone, did you? Oh!

William married holly? This is her house?

Oh, God, Karl. I can't see anymore.

Please take me back to Santa Fe.

Oh, Nora, Nora, it's... it's only just begun.

It's so wonderful to see you all here.

She said with a big fake smile on her face.

Do you think you could try

to make yourself presentable for the occasion?

Oh, yeah. The occasion.

Christmas with Eva Braun.

No one is forcing you to live here, Kitty.

I'm your meal ticket, not your jailer.

Hey, you two little angels,

how would you like to watch one of Nana's movies

before dinner?

Yeah!

- How about the one with the chimpanzee? - Yeah!

Yes? Okay, let's go.

Bye.

Six months in the jungle with her?

No wonder the monkey fired his agent.

Stay cool, little sister.

We stick to the plan, you'll be free of her forever.

Plan? What are they talking about? What plan?

- Excuse me, everybody. - Oh, Scotty!

Oh, please tell me he's not as bad as the rest.

Uh, this is a cheese puff filled with mango peach salsa

to keep you busy, and dinner is on its merry way.

Thank you. Yeah, great.

I'm just gonna run to the kitchen

and grab some more ice.

Oh, is that what they're calling it nowadays... ice?

Nora, this way.

Oh, would you stop?

Donner can't keep his hands off blitzen.

Oh, Kevin. Your wife is in the other room.

Well, then we could steal away to my old bedroom.

I kept all my old toys.

You could pin your tail on my donkey. Ee-aw.

Yeah. Oh.

Why is he still in the closet?

You weren't there to tell him

- it was okay to step out of it. - No, no, no, no, no.

This is wrong. We can't keep doing this, Kevin. I... Shh.

Isn't that better? Mm.

Really, Kevin?

Thank God I learned the heimlich maneuver in the scouts.

- Are you okay, young man? - I'm fine.

- Good. - You're already being blackmailed by one service provider.

You trying to make it a matched set?

Oh, you're one to talk.

Philandry isn't nearly as expensive a hobby

- as embezzlement. - Well,

we're both about to solve our problems, aren't we?

How did my older sister become so cold-hearted?

It's just another termination as far as I'm concerned.

Termination? Who... who's she terminating?

Oh, Karl, is something terrible about to happen?

Oh, beyond your imagining.

Hey-o. Whoa. Hey, hey, this is...

This is my type of Christmas, huh?

Ay-yi-yi-yi. Ooh, that's sweet.

I'm not surprised. It's powdered sugar for the futzenfassen.

- Pfeffernussen. - Shut up, Kevin.

Justin, pull yourself together.

You're pathetic. We've got a job to do.

Look, Sarah, I don't think this is a good idea.

Think of it this way, little brother...

One-fifth of the money dad left her can be yours.

A lifetime supply of Peruvian pleasure powder.

It's showtime.

I didn't raise them to be like this.

Exactly, Nora.

You didn't raise them at all.

Follow me.

Holly, dinner's gonna be a little delayed.

Could you go check on the kids,

make sure they're snug as a bug upstairs?

I would love to.

- They're probably at the part where the chimp proposes. - Yeah.

Oh, my God. They're going to kill holly, aren't they?

Merry Christmas merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas

on they sing, on without end their joyful tone

there's no turning back now.

Ding, ding, a-dong, this is their song rings joyfully, all caroling

this is for the warm and personal checks you sent us every birthday.

Raising the sound, o'er hill and Dale

for all those postcards from exotic places.

For the college trip that you almost took us on.

For being there when I pitched my perfect game,

in spirit, anyway.

And one for Tommy.

Oh. We all know how that worked out.

What happened to Tommy?

Believe me, Nora, you... you don't want to know.

Ah, the girls are all cozy in the den.

You should see them.

They're in stitches.

Ding dongding, ding, a-dong, ding, ding, a-dong

ding dong ding, ding, a-dong, ding, ding, a-dong

holly...

Don't drink the eggnog. They're trying to kill you.

Ding dong ding, ding, a-dong, ding, ding, a-dong

any final words, holly?

Ding dong ding, ding, a-dong, ding, ding, a-dong

for you, Nora,

for bringing us all together as one big, happy family.

Ding dong

welcome home, mother.

It's not holly they're going to kill. It's me!

No!

No!

Oh, God, Karl, it was... it was awful.

I mean, my children were... were monsters.

They were ruthless and... and conniving.

This cold turkey is not working for me,

not on... on Christmas.

What was I thinking?

I want to go home.

Oh, Nora.

No. No, no, no. I'm not gonna go home

and then call them all and drag them over to my house.

I won't take over. It won't be all about me.

I'll just sit there quietly and... and... and enjoy them.

I mean, I-I have a right to enjoy them.

They're extraordinary people, and I love them.

And that's a good thing.

Yes.

It's beautiful.

Come in.

Come in. Come in.

I'm so glad you called. Uh, sit, please.

God, it's been a long time.

I guess I was still anchoring back then.

Loaded half the time.

Were you watching the night

I confused Gorbachev with Baryshnikov?

No, I-I don't think so. Yes.

Listen, Jonathan, this is a little

difficult for me... difficult? What is it, Saul?

Last year, I found out that I'm h. I.V. Positive.

Oh. I'm fine.

I mean, I-I'm... I'm good. My... my... my numbers are good.

But you can imagine what a shock it was for me.

Well, actually, I can.

When I found out I was, it was....

Like the world stopped.

But that was a long time ago.

They know much more about it now.

I was infected a long time ago, too, Jonathan.

And... you just found out?

I didn't think there was any reason to be tested.

Why didn't you call me, Jonathan?

Call you?

You know, last year, I thought that I'd get all modern

and I put myself on Facebook, and there you were,

writing about your experience with the disease

on your homepage.

Yeah, well, it's part of my job now.

I use my own story as a way of educating.

Do you?

With all this education,

how come you didn't see fit to let me know?

Isn't that one of the basic tenants of this organization,

to... to... to inform your sexual partners?

Isn't that it?

Why... why didn't you call me?

Oh, my God.

Oh, Saul.

You don't remember sleeping with me.

No.

I thought that I was falling in love with you.

Why didn't you say something?

I did, the night we slept together.

I remember exactly what I said.

- I said, "I could fall in love with someone like you." - Oh, my God.

You...

You really don't remember

the bad Chinese food we ate that night?

You don't remember watching Lena Horne

fill her coupe de ville at the gas station...

On the corner of vine...

You don't remember.

Okay. I'll... I'll fill you in.

We ended up in your bed.

And obviously, it didn't mean anything to you at all.

Saul, if I gave this to you...

Well, there's nothing I can say.

Oh. I'm sorry.

We'll try and keep it down.

Okay. Somebody has to be the first to blink.

Will you call her? Please.

Kitty? What are you doing?

Just watching this stupid train go round and round

like a dog trying to bite off its own tail.

How about you?

Oh, I'm just sitting here staring at this dumb village.

It's like there was a chemical disaster

and all the little people had to move away.

So what are we gonna do?

Ugh. I don't know. I don't know.

Should we call mom? No, let's not do that.

She wants to be alone with Karl.

And we have to figure out how we can do this on our own.

Oh, hang on. Oh, it's Sarah.

You know she's always been the tiebreaker. Hang on.

Hi, Sarah. Hey.

I'm on with Kevin. I'm gonna put you on conference.

Listen, whoever's having Christmas, just count me out.

Why? I fired an old lady

and her wooden dummy yesterday.

You fired a wooden dummy?

Yes. I'm evil.

No, Sarah. You're not evil.

She did fire a wooden dummy, Kitty.

Well, that doesn't make her evil, Kevin.

I mean, don't you remember what mom always used to say?

That bad people are not really bad,

they're... they're just afraid. She also said

that the shark in "jaws" only killed people

because it was afraid that a boat might run over its young.

Well, maybe she's right.

You know, that's why I bit your head off last night, Kit,

because I was afraid.

You know, laugh all you want, but growing up in this family,

where it's all about family...

I was always scared that I was gonna be the only one

never to have that.

Yeah, well, you're not the only one who's scared.

I've been so concerned with

making it on my own

and proving to myself that I don't need anybody

that I forgot that I'm not on my own,

and to make it even worse,

I actually like the guy that I'm not on my own with.

So what about you, Sarah? Come on.

We're all baring our souls here. What are you scared of?

Maybe I am scared

that... I'm gonna shipwreck the company.

Yeah, maybe.

Maybe all our fears can come true. So what?

Walkers aren't grinches. They're Whos.

And when the Grinch did steal Christmas,

and all the trees and presents and decorations were gone,

what did the Whos do?

You went boogie boarding on Christmas Eve?

Oh, and Santa speaks Spanish. Wow.

Well, honey,

you call me first thing when you wake up, okay?

Okay, baby. Bye.

Mom, you're back.

Yeah.

Oh, my... Hey, everyone, guess what.

Mom's back. I'm not kidding. She's back.

Mom. Hi.

You're the last person we were expecting. Mom!

Oh, my God! Merry Christmas. What happened?

What happened? What are you doing?

What happened? Well, it's a long story.

Whatever the story is, please, please don't ever do that again.

Yeah. That's not okay. Come here, mom. Oh, thank God you're home.

Let's drink.

Mom, eggnog?

Yes, I'd... I'd love some eggnog.

I would love some eggnog. Yeah.

Coming up. I think we all need some eggnog.

Oh, my gosh. Hi. Hi.

Seth. The grad student.

Oh. Hey, okay, everyone.

This is Seth. Hi, Seth.

Hi, Seth. Hi, Seth.

Wow. Uh, there are...

There's so many of you, and so few of me.

Welcome to Walker-ville. Have some eggnog.

Yeah, have some eggnog. Merry Christmas!

"And scrooge was better than his word.

"And to tiny Tim,

he was a second father."

That's the least he could do.

"And so tiny Tim observed,

'God bless us, everyone.'"

what's going on with you? You've been so quiet all night.

I just didn't feel like talking to anyone.

I called that guy I met at the restaurant. Oh, and?

And, uh, I'll... I'll talk about it some other time.

Right now I just need a hug from my nephew.

Oh. Come on.

Uh-oh. Look out. Watch your backs.

Coming through.

What is that?

Figgy pudding. It's on fire.

Oh, that's figgy pudding? That's the point.

It's... it's a traditional Victorian recipe,

although, I did throw in

a little saffron and candied ginger. Of course you did.

Wow. Here you go. For you.

Don't mind the mess. Okay. That's... Whoa. It's just right.

Thanks, mom.

It's such a treat, having you with us tonight.

I wanted to thank you for coming.

Well, thank you for taking the ax out of my neck.

It was easy once I realized that the world will still turn

with an hour less news on a Sunday morning.

Well, then you've learned a lot.

Well, this makes going home for the holidays

not seem all that bad.

Oh, yeah. Home.

You know, I shut you up the other day.

You were about to say something about home.

What... what is it that you wanted to tell me?

I don't think you want to hear that now.

No, I do. I do. I really do.

I am finished with mystery and I want full disclosure.

Well, uh...

Oh, my God. Do you have a girlfriend?

Are you dating somebody else?

You know Dean Whitley?

You're dating Dean Whitley?

No.

Uh, no, no.

She... she's my mom.

Sh-sh-she's my boss.

She's your mother? Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Seth, why didn't you tell me this before?

I tried. Why didn't you try harder?

Oh, my God.

Because I was afraid.

I-I was afraid that I was gonna lose you.

Have I lost you?

So amidst all this abundance of holly and Ivy,

I-I just wanted to remind my beloved family

of our Jewish blood that flows through all of our veins.

And I know Hanukkah has passed, and we've lit all the candles,

and, uh, I just wanted to share a little blessing that's offered

in celebration of new beginnings.

Which is to say, "blessed art thou, king of the universe,

"who has given us life,

"who has sustained us,

who has enabled us to reach this day."

Amen. Amen.

Amen.

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