Original subtitles

"THE CANTERVILLE GHOST.

"UNIVERSALLY RENOWNED AS THE MOST FEARSOME

"OF ALL ENGLISH PHANTOMS IS THE NOTORIOUS GHOST

"OF SIR SIMON DE CANTERVILLE.

"THIS REMARKABLE APPARITION HAS MANIFESTED ITSELF

"IN A SPECTACULAR VARIETY OF FORMS AND GUISES,

"EACH MORE AWE-INSPIRING THAN THE OTHER,

"EXHIBITING THE SAME FLAIR FOR THE THEATRICAL

"THAT REPUTEDLY CHARACTERIZED SIR SIMON HIMSELF.

"THE ORIGIN OF THIS APPARITION, SO LEGEND HAS IT,

DATES FROM A FATEFUL STAG HUNT IN THE YEAR 1634... "

OUT OF THE WAY. BELLMAN! BUGLER!

THRUST-HO, SIR VALENTINE.

OW!

ANTHONY DE CANTERVILLE!

ANTHONY, WHAT HAVE I DONE TO THEE?

IT'S MY ARM, SIR VALENTINE.

THANK HEAVENS 'TIS BUT THINE ARM.

WHY HIDEST THOU IN THE BRUSH

LIKE A RABBIT?

I- I WAS PLUCKING BLUEBELLS.

HA HA HA! HA HA HA!

BLUEBELLS?

A MANFUL PURSUIT FOR A CANTERVILLE

IN THE HUNTING SEASON?

MORE MANFUL THAN YOU WOULD IMAGINE, SIR VALENTINE.

METHINKS 'TWAS

THE WRONG STAG WE FLUSHED.

MY BRIDE-TO-BE!

ELEANOR?

ELEANOR!

HOW COULDST THOU, ELEANOR?

THOU ART PROMISED TO ME.

PROMISED TO THEE NO LONGER, SIR VALENTINE.

SHE WAS WED TO ME AT YESTEREVE.

WED?

THOU DARE STEAL HER FROM ME

KNOWING SHE WAS PLEDGED?

YEA.

I SHALL EXPECT SATISFACTION FROM THEE, SIR,

AT BOLTON MANOR WITHIN THE HOUR.

ANTHONY!

THOU WOULDST NOT BE SO BOLD, SIR VALENTINE,

WERE I POSSESSED OF MY GOOD RIGHT ARM.

HA HA HA!

A PRETTY EXCUSE TO SNIVEL OUT OF IT.

SIMON!

MY BROTHER WILL GIVE THEE SATISFACTION.

SIMON, THE HONOR OF THE CANTERVILLES

HAS BEEN QUESTIONED.

WHAT?

WHEREFORE DOST THY DAGGER REEK WITH HIS BLOOD?

MY SWORD ARM IS PIERCED TO THE BONE.

TAKE THOU MY SIGNET RING AND FIGHT IN MY STEAD.

WHO? ME?

WHO ELSE?

COME, COME, SIMON,

PICK UP THE GAUNTLET AND FLING IT IN HIS FACE.

WHOSE FACE?

SIR VALENTINE'S.

OH.

GIVE ME THY RING.

BUT 'TWAS ANTHONY WHO RAN OFF WITH MY BETROTHED.

HE DANCED.

HE SHOULD PAY THE PIPER.

A CANTERVILLE HAS BEEN SLIGHTED.

AND BY ONE OF AN UPSTART BROOD,

HONORED SCARCE 200 YEARS.

I CHOOSE THE WEAPON OF CHIVALRY-

THE LANCE.

THE LANCE?

YEA.

I'LL TEACH THEE A KINSMAN IS A KINSMAN.

WHAT KEEPS THE POPINJAY?

MY GAUNTLETS, DUNDERHEAD.

BY HEREWARD THE WAKE,

I'LL PIN HIM ON MY LANCE LIKE A CAPON ON A SPIT.

THERE HE IS, SIR.

HMM?

THERE, SIR.

WHERE IS THINE ARMOR, VALENTINE?

ALACK, SIR SIMON, I SUFFERED THE MOST DREADFUL MISHAP.

HA HA HA!

SO I FELT OBLIGED TO GIVE WAY TO MY COUSIN,

THE BOLD SIR GUY.

SHALL WE BE ON WITH THE MERRIMENT,

MY NOBLE MARSHAL?

BUT FAITH, VALENTINE, IT WAS YOU-

AH, A KINSMAN IS A KINSMAN.

SOUND THE ORDER OF COMBAT.

MAY THE RIGHT PREVAIL.

SIR SIMON! HE'S BREAKING OFF.

COWARD! AFTER HIM, SIR GUY!

FETCH HIM BACK ON YOUR LANCE!

AYE! HARPOON HIM!

HOIST HIM HIGH!

POLTROON!

I TELL THEE 'TIS NO DISGRACE, MY SON.

BE THANKFUL THOU HAST A BROTHER TO WEAR THY SIGNET,

AND SUCH A CHIVALROUS BROTHER.

I RECALL THE DAY I WORE MY BROTHER EDWARD'S SIGNET

BEFORE GOOD QUEEN BESS.

UNHORSED SIX MEN IN A SINGLE HOUR IN THIS VERY ARMOR.

BY SAINT PETER OF THE FETTERS.

SIMON MUST GO A LONG WAY TO EXCEL THAT!

WHERE IS HE?

WHO?

THAT LILY-LIVERED SON OF YOURS

WHO SKITTERED OFF IN TERROR BEFORE THE LANCE.

COWARDICE? IN ONE WHO BEARS ON HIS NECK

THE BIRTHMARK OF THE CANTERVILLES? HA! PREPOSTEROUS!

OOH, IS IT?

HA HA!

THEN WHAT MIGHT BE LURKING IN YON ALCOVE?

A FAT QUAIL, PERCHANCE?

NO SON OF MINE COWERS IN ANY ALCOVE.

NO? THEN MILORD

CAN ASSUREDLY HAVE NO OBJECTION

TO THE SEALING UP OF THE DOOR

WITH STONE AND MORTAR.

I MOST CERTAINLY CAN!

I'VE TOO GREAT A REGARD FOR MY HOUSE.

FOR YOUR HOUSE, MILORD,

OR YOUR SON?

GILES, THOMAS! FETCH THE STONEMASONS!

HASTEN!

HAVE WE NOT HAD ENOUGH

OF THIS PLAY-ACTING, SIR VALENTINE?

ONE NEVER LEAVES THE THEATER, MILORD,

UNTIL THE CURTAIN HAS FALLEN.

AH!

CONTINUE.

FATHER!

IT IS I, THY SON.

FORSOOTH, A FAT QUAIL INDEED.

OR WAS IT THE WIND THAT WHISTLED DOWN THE FLUE?

I HEARD NO SOUND.

SPARE ME! SPARE ME!

POSE THE LAST STONE.

POSE IT, I SAY!

BUT, MILORD,

'TWAS MEANT ONLY IN JEST.

LEAVE MY HOUSE!

IT IS THY SON!

GO!

SIMON DE CANTERVILLE,

BECAUSE THOU HAST SHAMED THY HERITAGE

AND DISHONORED THY PROUD BLOOD,

IN THAT TOMB OF THINE OWN CHOOSING

SHALL LIE THY WHITED BONES,

AND MAY THY CRAVEN SPIRIT

WALK THE HALLS OF CANTERVILLE CASTLE

UNTIL A KINSMAN SHALL WEAR THY SIGNET...

AND PERFORM FOR THEE

THE BRAVE DEED THOU DIDST FAIL TO PERFORM

FOR THY KINSMAN.

"THUS GOES THE LEGEND OF THE CANTERVILLE GHOST.

"AND TODAY, AFTER 300 YEARS OF TERROR,

"CANTERVILLE CASTLE STANDS SILENT AND DESERTED-

"A MUTE, FOREBODING MONUMENT TO THE FEARSOME PHANTOM

WHO STALKS THOSE SILENT HALLS."

AAH! AAH!

AUNTIE! AUNTIE!

I JUST SAW THE GHOST!

THE GHOST? WHERE?

ON THE ROOF OF THE CASTLE.

OH, THAT WAS THE TINSMITH, DARLING.

OH!

I ASKED MR. PEABODY TO ENGAGE HIM

TO MEND THE WATERSPOUTS.

OH. BUT WHY, AUNTIE? NOBODY LIVES THERE.

JESSICA, WE'RE TURNING THE CASTLE OVER

TO A PLATOON OF AMERICAN SOLDIERS.

AMERICAN SOLDIERS?

BUT, GOOD GRACIOUS,

CAN THEY LIVE IN THE CASTLE WHEN IT'S HAUNTED?

YOUR FAMILY DID, DARLING, TILL 20 YEARS AGO.

I KNOW, BUT, AUNTIE-

AHEM!

WE'RE READY TO LEAVE NOW, MA'AM.

THE HELPERS HAVE ARRIVED?

THEY'LL MEET US AT THE CASTLE, MA'AM.

YOU'RE GOING, AUNTIE?

OF COURSE. GUESTS ARE COMING.

NOBLESSE OBLIGE.

MADAME, THERE'S SURE TO BE A DOWNPOUR.

I'M AFRAID THERE WILL BE.

YOU KNOW, AUNTIE,

YOU'RE NOT WELL.

OH, VERY WELL.

EXTEND MY REGRETS TO THE SOLDIERS

AND TELL THEM I'LL COME TO SEE THEM

AS SOON AS I'M ABLE.

YES, MA'AM.

AUNTIE, WHAT DOES IT MEAN-

NOBLESSE OBLIGE?

OH, THAT'S JUST AN EXPRESSION, DARLING.

BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

YOU WERE GOING OUT BECAUSE OF IT.

NOBLESSE OBLIGE IS FRENCH.

IT MEANS-WELL, YOU'RE LADY JESSICA DE CANTERVILLE,

AND I'M THE HONORABLE MRS. POLVERDINE.

THOSE OF US WHO ARE NOBLY BORN MUST PROVE THEMSELVES WORTHY OF IT

BY BEING EVER KIND AND GRACIOUS

AND THOUGHTFUL FOR OTHERS,

AND BY LIVING NOT TO TAKE,

BUT TO GIVE.

THAT IS OUR OBLIGATION.

SO, WHEN GUESTS ARRIVE, WHY, WE MUST WELCOME THEM

AND SEE THAT THEY ENJOY THEIR STAY WITH US.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND, CHILD?

YES.

AUNTIE, THESE AMERICANS,

WILL THEY BE COWBOYS AND INDIANS?

SOME OF THEM, I DARE SAY.

AUNTIE, WHAT DOES ONE DO TO MAKE INDIANS WELCOME?

JESSICA! YOU'RE NOT THINKING OF GOING.

YES. SOMEONE SHOULD MAKE OUR GUESTS WELCOME.

BUT AREN'T YOU AFRAID OF THE GHOST?

YES, AUNTIE.

AND YOU STILL THINK YOU OUGHT TO GO?

YES, AUNTIE. IT IS MY CASTLE, ISN'T IT?

YOU'RE ONLY 6, DARLING.

I KNOW, BUT, AUNTIE,

NOBLESSE OBLIGE.

IT-IT STARTS WHEN YOU'RE BORN, DOESN'T IT?

RUN ALONG, THEN.

THANK YOU, AUNTIE.

OH!

STAY CLOSE TO MRS. UMNEY.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, AUNTIE.

GHOSTS ALMOST NEVER COME OUT IN THE DAYTIME.

OK, EVERYBODY, WE'RE MOVING IN!

WELCOME TO CANTERVILLE CASTLE, GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU.

HELLO, MISTER.

SOME SPREAD.

PLEASED TO MEET YOU.

WHAT A PLACE!

HELLO.

HIYA, MR. CANTERVILLE.

WHY-

WOW! PIPE THE GUY IN THE TIN SUIT.

HEY, THIS IS OK.

YOU AIN'T KIDDIN'.

SAY, ALL THIS ROOM IN ONE ROOM.

YODEL-LEI-HEE!

WONDER WHEN THE TRAINS COME IN.

HEY, THIS PLACE KIND OF REMINDS ME

OF THE OLD MANHATTAN BOXING ARENA.

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW, SLAP-HAPPY?

THE ONLY THING YOU SAW IN THE AREA

WAS THE CEILING WHEN THEY CARRIED YOU OUT.

WELL,

NOT BAD.

NOT HALF BAD, BY JOVE.

PUP TENTS ARE OK FOR THE HOI POLLOI.

ME, I PREFER THE COMFORTS OF THE HEARTH.

YES, SIR, WITHOUT THE SIMPLE LUXURIES OF LIFE-

A COMFORTABLE CHAIR, A CHEERY BLAZE, AND A SPOT OF BRANDY,

I SIMPLY WILT AWAY AND PERISH.

TAKE YOUR BIG FEET OFF OF THERE, WILLIAMS,

OR I'LL PERISH YOU.

GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP, MEN.

YOU'LL NEED IT.

YOU WANT ME, MR. PEABODY, I'LL BE AT HEADQUARTERS IN THE VILLAGE.

YES, SIR, CAPTAIN.

GOOD NIGHT.

ATTENTION!

REMEMBER, SERGEANT, THIS IS NOT OUR PROPERTY.

YES, SIR.

CARRY ON.

WILLIAMS, YOU DON'T DO THAT AT HOME, DO YOU?

YEAH.

WELL, DON'T DO IT HERE!

I BEG YOUR PARDON.

SHALL I SERVE TEA NOW, GENTLEMEN?

TEA?

MRS. UMNEY THOUGHT AFTER YOUR JOURNEY

YOU'D BE A BIT DONE IN.

ALL RIGHT, THEN. THANKS.

VERY GOOD, SIR.

NOW, LISTEN, FELLAS.

IT SAYS HERE IN THE LITTLE INSTRUCTION BOOK,

"WHEN YOU'RE GUESTS OF THE BRITISH,

"YOU GOTTA ACT LIKE YOU'D EXPECT THEM TO ACT

IF THEY CAME TO AMERICA."

REMEMBER WHAT IT SAYS ABOUT FOOD.

HERE.

"IF A BRITISHER EXHORTS YOU TO EAT

"OR JOIN HIM IN A SPOT OF TEA, GO EASY.

"IT MAY BE HIS RATION FOR ONE WEEK,

SPREAD OUT JUST TO SHOW YOU HIS HOSPITALITY."

EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN,

BUT LADY JESSICA WOULD LIKE TO SAY GOOD EVENING.

LADY JESSICA?

OH, BOY!

YES. LADY JESSICA DE CANTERVILLE,

THE OWNER OF THE CASTLE.

WELL, UH, TELL HER WE'D BE HONORED.

VERY GOOD, SIR.

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO A DAME THAT'S A LADY?

DO YOU HAVE TO KISS HER HAND?

NOW, WATCH IT.

LADY JESSICA DE CANTERVILLE.

GOOD EVENING, GENTLEMEN.

HOLY SMOKE! IT'S A MIDGET.

NO. IT'S A HALF-PINT.

HOW DO YOU DO?

I KNOW YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY,

AND I WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW

I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

AND I DO SO HOPE YOU'LL ENJOY YOUR STAY

IN MY CASTLE.

THANK YOU, MY LADY,

AND MAY I SAY ON BEHALF OF MY COMPATRIOTS

THAT WE'RE VERY GRATEFUL FOR YOUR HOSPITALITY.

YEAH, LIKEWISE.

YOU'RE OK, YOUR MAJESTY.

THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN.

YOU'LL EXCUSE THE FELLAS, I HOPE.

WE THOUGHT LADY JESSICA WAS, UH-

I THOUGHT A GIRL HAD TO BE MARRIED BEFORE SHE WAS A LADY.

HA HA HA!

OH, DEAR, NO.

A LADY IS A LADY WHEN SHE BEHAVES LIKE ONE,

MY AUNTIE SAYS.

YOUR AUNTIE IS QUITE RIGHT.

WHICH OF YOU ARE INDIANS?

HA HA HA!

HE'S AN INDIAN.

YES? TO WHICH TRIBE DO YOU BELONG?

HE'S A HOBOKEN INDIAN.

I DON'T BELIEVE I'VE EVER READ ABOUT THAT TRIBE.

HA HA HA HA.

TEA IS SERVED, GENTLEMEN.

OF COURSE. OF COURSE.

WILL YOU POUR, MY LADY?

I WILL BE HAPPY TO.

FINE. THIS WAY, GENTLEMEN.

MORE TEA?

NO, THANK YOU. NO, THANK YOU.

WHO DID THAT?

WHO DID IT?

THAT'S NOT TEA, SIR.

OH, IT ISN'T?

JORDAN, GET THAT BOTTLE OF CLEANING FLUID OUT OF THE TRUCK.

OK.

IT'S NO USE, SIR.

NOTHING WILL TAKE IT OUT.

WHAT MADE THAT SPOT WAS... BLOOD.

BLOOD? BLOOD?

BLOOD.

BLOOD?

QUITE SO.

THAT'S THE BLOOD OF LADY BARBARA MODISH,

WHO STABBED HERSELF IN THE THROAT

WHEN SHE SAW... HIM.

HIM?

WHO-WHO IS HIM?

SIR SIMON. OUR GHOST.

OH.

YOUR GHOST, DID YOU SAY?

YES. HE'S QUITE THE MOST FAMOUS GHOST IN ENGLAND,

AND HE LIVES HERE IN THIS CASTLE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

TAKE IT EASY.

WELL, IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO TELL YOU-

OH, BUT WE DO.

GIVE THE LADY A CHANCE, FELLAS.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT SAYS IN THE LITTLE BOOK ABOUT RESPECTING ENGLISH TRADITION.

WELL, IF SHE SAYS THE CASTLE IS HAUNTED,

WHO ARE WE TO QUIBBLE?

THAT'S RIGHT.

IT MAY SOUND SILLY TO YOU,

BUT AUNTIE TOLD ME THE SPOT WON'T COME OUT.

REALLY.

AND I'VE EVEN SEEN THE GHOST MYSELF.

NO FOOLING?

AND THAT'S THE DOOR TO HIS BEDCHAMBER

BEHIND THAT TAPESTRY,

ISN'T IT, MRS. UMNEY?

YES. HE WAS WALLED UP IN THERE CENTURIES AGO.

HOLY CATFISH!

THAT'S AWFUL.

YES, AND EVERY NIGHT NOW,

ON THE STROKE OF 12:00,

HIS GUILTY SPIRIT COMES THROUGH THAT DOOR

AND WALKS THE HALLS, SUPPOSEDLY IN SEARCH OF A KINSMAN,

THEN GOES BACK AGAIN.

OH. NO KIDDING.

OH, GENTLEMEN, BEWARE.

I'VE SEEN THINGS WITH MY OWN EYES

THAT WOULD MAKE ANY CHRISTIAN'S HAIR

STAND ON END.

I'LL BET YOU HAVE.

I'VE READ ALL ABOUT IT

IN A BIG BOOK AUNTIE'S GOT IN THE GATEHOUSE.

I SHOULDN'T TELL YOU THIS BEFORE BEDTIME,

BUT THE DOWAGER DUCHESS OF STUTFIELD

WAS FOUND ONE NIGHT

ON THE BALCONY OUTSIDE HER BEDROOM,

STARK STARING MAD.

THERE'S THE LOVELIEST PICTURE OF HER

GIBBERING LIKE AN IDIOT.

HA HA HA!

YOU DON'T SAY!

YES.

SHE WAS PUTTING ON HER DIAMOND LAVALIERE

WHEN A SHADOW CAME OVER HER.

SHE TURNED, AND THERE WAS THE GHOST

AS THE CORPSE SNATCHER OF CHERTSAY BARN.

CORPSE SNATCHER?

THAT'S AWFUL.

AND LADY MARGARET BILTON,

SHE DROWNED HERSELF IN THE CARP POND.

DO YOU KNOW WHY?

NO. WHY?

BECAUSE THERE HE WAS AGAIN,

COMING AFTER HER

WITH LONG, GREEN FINGERS TWITCHING WITH PALSY

AND HIS EYES BURNING LIKE COALS-

THE BLOODSUCKER OF BEXLEY MOOR.

BLOODSUCKER?

DIDN'T I TELL YOU, FELLOWS? WHO ARE WE TO QUIBBLE?

WHAT IS YOUR NAME, PLEASE?

CUFFY WILLIAMS.

WELL, CUFFY WILLIAMS,

I KNOW VERY WELL THAT YOU'VE BEEN LAUGHING AT ME,

BUT JUST YOU WAIT.

EXCUSE ME, MY LADY.

FAR BE IT FROM ME TO CONTRADICT YOU,

BUT JUST YOU WAIT.

IF IT RAINED LIKE THIS IN CALIFORNIA,

WE WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

THANKS, JORDAN.

MAY I, SERGEANT?

OH, SURE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUB TOO HARD. IT'S WONDERFUL STUFF.

BUT, SIR,

THAT SPOT USED TO BE MUCH OBSERVED BY TOURISTS,

AND IT BELONGS.

IF THIS STUFF WILL TAKE OUT LIPSTICK,

IT OUGHT TO DO THIS.

HA HA HA!

WELL, LADY JESSICA?

UHHH...

GET SOME WATER, SMELLING SALTS.

SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING!

WELL, CUFFY WILLIAMS?

EDDIE.

YEAH?

YOU AWAKE?

NO.

IS IT MIDNIGHT YET?

I DON'T KNOW.

GO TO SLEEP, WILL YOU?

AAH!

HEY! HEY! HE'S HERE!

HE'S HERE! HE BIT ME!

HE BIT ME! HE BIT ME!

HE BIT ME!

WHO BIT YOU? WHAT BIT YOU? WHERE?

IT MUST HAVE BEEN THAT BLOODSUCKER.

OH, PIPE DOWN.

YOU MUST HAVE BEEN DREAMING.

IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE BLOODSUCKER!

LOOK AT THE TEETH MARKS!

WHAT AM I, YOUR MOTHER?

YOU'RE THE SERGEANT, AIN'T YOU?

GET UP!

HEY, FELLAS, LOOK-

THIS SWORD FELL DOWN AND SCARED HIM.

WELL, BLESS HIS LITTLE HEART.

OH.

OH, IT WAS-

IT WAS THE SWORD.

IMAGINE THAT.

DID THE BIG BAD GHOST FRIGHTEN THE LITTLE BUTTERCUP?

YEAH?

AW, FOR PETE'S SAKE, TURN IT OFF, WILL YOU?

THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS GHOSTS.

WELL, SOMETHING MADE THAT SPOT COME BACK.

THE CLEANING FLUID DIDN'T TAKE, THAT'S ALL.

ALL I KNOW-

ALL RIGHT, KIDDIES,

NOW, BUNK IN AND GO BEDDY BYE-BYE.

ONE.

TWO.

11.

12.

SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY DRAGGING ASH CANS AROUND.

NO. IT'S CHAINS.

SHH!

OOH...

OH...

THAT AIN'T NO ASH CAN.

YEE AH YEE!

YA HA HA HA HA HA!

AH HA HA!

YA HA HA HA HA!

HEY, GRANDPA,

YOUR SHIRTTAIL'S HANGING OUT.

YEAH, SCRAM, DRIBBLE-PUSS.

BOO!

GO BACK IN YOUR HOLE!

YEAH, GO ON! GET OUT OF HERE!

TAKE WARNING!

GET OUT OF HERE!

DUCK, FELLOWS!

DID-DID YOU ALL SEE WHAT I SAW?

THE BULLETS WENT RIGHT THROUGH HIM.

WHAT ABOUT THAT ROPE?

YEAH. YOU SAW IT, SARGE.

YEAH.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT, BUT I SAW IT.

LET'S FACE IT, SARGE. THAT WAS A REAL GHOST.

WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

HOW ABOUT THAT BLOOD SPOT AND THE KID?

I TOLD YOU SO. DIDN'T I, EDDIE?

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE HOLLERED AT HIM LIKE THAT.

THAT'S NO WAY TO TREAT A GHOST.

IT CHASED HIM AWAY, DIDN'T IT?

WHAT IF HE COMES BACK?

HE MIGHT COME BACK AT THAT.

HEY, FELLAS, LISTEN.

YA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

YOO...

A GHOST!

MMM!

PFFT!

YOO...

AWAY!

OOH! OOH!

OOH!

I- I SAID AWAY!

BOO!

AH!

BOO!

AH! AAH!

HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

OH! MY TOE!

HA HA HA HA HA!

OH!

OH!

HE WAS LOOKING FOR A KINSMAN,

AND, BOY, DID HE FIND ONE!

OH!

SERGEANT, WE WON'T BE DOING ANYTHING STRENUOUS TODAY, WILL WE?

DOING IT WITH PHANTOMS YET!

I'M TIREDER THAN A SHARECROPPER'S MULE.

CUT THE GROUSING, FELLAS.

HERE COMES THE LOOEY.

ATTENTION!

AT EASE.

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING, SIR.

WE'RE NOW OFFICIALLY ATTACHED

TO A UNIT OF THE BRITISH COMMANDOS.

SO WE'RE GONNA CELEBRATE BY

STARTING RIGHT OUT ON OUR 10-HOUR ENDURANCE HIKE.

FORCED MARCHING RATE FOR EIGHT HOURS.

DOUBLE TIME THE LAST TWO.

OHH...

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THE MEN, SERGEANT?

AS A MATTER OF FACT, SIR, I'M AFRAID

THEY DIDN'T EXACTLY SLEEP SO WELL LAST NIGHT.

REALLY? WHY NOT?

WELL, MAYBE IT WAS, UH...

YOU KNOW HOW IT IS

WHEN YOU SLEEP IN A NEW PLACE.

HMM.

OHH...

WALTERS!

IS THAT WHAT KEPT YOU UP?

OH, NO, SIR.

WHAT KEPT ME UP WAS SEEING THE GHOST.

WASN'T IT, EDDIE?

THAT'S RIGHT-

I MEAN, YES, SIR.

YOU, UH...

ALL SAW A GHOST?

YES, SIR.

YES, SIR.

YES, SIR.

YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE, SIR.

FIRST HE HUNG HIMSELF.

THEN HE CAME BACK AND HELD HIS HEAD OUT JUST LIKE THIS.

BY THE HAIR!

ISN'T THAT TOO, TOO DREADFUL?

YES, SIR.

BIG, HUSKY, MAN-EATING RANGERS.

BEST PLATOON IN THE OUTFIT.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WHEN YOU SEE NAZIS?

BUT NAZIS ARE TANGIBLE, SIR.

I'LL SAY THEY ARE. WE CAN TANGLE WITH THEM, SIR.

SUPPOSE YOU TANGLE WITH ME FIRST.

LET'S GET IT STRAIGHT THIS TIME.

WHAT KEPT YOU UP LAST NIGHT,

A CRAP GAME?

NO, SIR! NO!

IT BEGAN WITH AN ECTOPLASMIC MANIFESTATION.

IT BEGAN WITH A WHAT?

AN ECTOPLASMIC MANIFESTATION.

SERGEANT!

WHAT REALLY KEPT THEM UP LAST NIGHT?

WELL?

IT WAS THE GHOST, SIR.

ALL RIGHT, SERGEANT.

I GUARANTEE THE MEN WILL SLEEP TONIGHT.

FORM THE PLATOON.

YES, SIR.

FALL IN!

DRESS RIGHT DRESS!

STRAIGHTEN UP THERE!

READY... FRONT!

SIR, THE PLATOON IS FORMED.

WILLIAMS, I SUPPOSE YOU GOT THAT LIMP

FROM BEING CHASED BY THE GHOST?

NO, SIR. I WAS CHASING HIM.

BUT IT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR. I CAN WALK.

YOU CAN WALK YOURSELF RIGHT BACK INTO THAT CASTLE

AND SPEND THE NEXT 10 HOURS CLEANING IT OUT.

YES, SIR.

WHILE YOU'RE ABOUT IT, WILLIAMS,

CLEAN OUT OUR LITTLE SPOOK, TOO.

YES, SIR.

RIGHT FACE!

CLOSE MARCH!

HELLO THERE, LADY.

OH, IT'S YOU.

WELL, WHO DID YOU THINK IT WAS?

OH, I-

NO ONE.

I- I WAS JUST GOING INTO THE PANTRY.

YEAH? THEN WHY DID YOU TAKE THAT GREAT CIRCLE ROUTE?

AUNTIE THOUGHT THE MESS SERGEANT MIGHT LIKE SOME ONIONS.

AND I'M A BROWNIE.

WE RAISE ONIONS AND BRUSSELS SPROUTS,

LIKE THE GIRL GUIDES DO.

OH, COME NOW.

IT WAS THE GHOST THAT SCARED YOU, WASN'T IT?

I...

WHAT IF IT WERE?

BUT THAT'S SILLY.

THE OLD BOY CALLED ON US LAST NIGHT,

AND WE CHASED HIM RIGHT UP THE CHIMNEY.

OH, YOU DIDN'T.

YOU THINK I'M KIDDING, UH?

WELL, WE'LL ASK OLD FOXY GRANDPA HIMSELF.

THAT-THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.

YOU STAY RIGHT HERE.

UH-HUH. PLAYING POSSUM.

HEY, GRANDPA, OPEN UP!

WELL...

A- CALLING WE WILL GO, MY LADY,

TO BEARD THE LION IN HIS DEN.

OH, NO, PLEASE. AUNTIE'S EXPECTING ME HOME.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID OF HIM.

YOU ONLY THINK YOU DO.

NOW YOU JUST PRETEND THAT YOU'RE NOT AFRAID,

AND YOU WON'T BE.

THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT.

ARE YOU SURE?

I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU.

COME ON.

HEY!

GHOST, WHERE YOU HIDING?

THAT MUST BE WHERE HE WAS WALLED UP.

AH...

WHERE THE DARK DEED WAS DONE.

HERE, HOLD THIS.

HEY, THIS ONE'S LOOSE.

I'LL JUST PRY IT OUT, THEN WE...

HELLO.

MUST YOU INVADE EVEN MY TOMB?

WILL THERE BE NO PLACE I CAN CALL SANCTUARY?

RELAX, GRANDPA.

THIS IS JUST A LITTLE SOCIAL CALL.

THERE'S SOMEONE HERE I WANT YOU TO MEET.

I HAVE ALREADY MET YOUR COLONIAL RUFFIANS.

TAKE IT EASY, GRANDPA.

NOBODY'S GOING TO HURT YOU.

HEY! DON'T FADE OUT ON ME.

I WANT YOU TO MEET LADY JESSICA.

SIR SIMON THE GHOST.

MILADY.

HOW DO YOU DO?

NOT TOO WELL. THANK YOU.

BLESS YOU.

THANK YOU.

ATTAGIRL!

SHE'S BEEN SCARED STIFF OF YOU ALL HER LIFE.

I JUST WANTED TO PROVE TO HER

THAT YOU WOULDN'T HURT A FLEA.

SIR, MY RECORD SPEAKS FOR ITSELF-

AN UNBROKEN REIGN OF TERROR FOR 300 YEARS.

WELL, RECORD OR NO RECORD,

AS LONG AS HER LADYSHIP'S AROUND,

YOU'VE GOT TO BEHAVE YOURSELF.

IT IS ABSURD, ASKING ME TO BEHAVE MYSELF,

QUITE ABSURD.

I MUST RATTLE MY CHAINS AND GROAN THROUGH KEYHOLES.

I MUST GIBBER FROM THE ORIEL WINDOW

ON THE FIRST AND THIRD WEDNESDAYS IN EVERY MONTH.

IT IS MY SOLEMN DUTY TO WALK THESE HALLS.

WELL, IN THAT CASE,

YOU'D BETTER GET YOURSELF ANOTHER CASTLE FOR THE DURATION, BROTHER.

BUT CUFFY, HE CAN'T. HE'S THE FAMILY GHOST.

AMERICANS, CHILD.

WHAT CAN A PEOPLE WITHOUT ANCESTORS KNOW ABOUT GHOSTS?

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

I TAKE IT YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN

OR RED GRANGE, THE GALLOPING GHOST.

PROVINCIAL STUFF.

SPIRITS WITH NEITHER CREST NOR TITLE.

OH, WE HAVE TITLES, TOO-

PRINCE MIKE ROMANOFF,

COUNT BASIE, DUKE ELLINGTON.

YOU DON'T SAY SO.

MM-HMM.

NOBILITY IN A DEMOCRACY. BALDERDASH.

BUT, MR. GHOST- I MEAN, SIR SIMON-

WE'VE HAD DEMOCRACY HERE IN ENGLAND

EVER SINCE THE MAGNA CARTA,

1215.

BUT I HAVE NEVER CHOSEN TO RECOGNIZE IT.

BUT YOU SHOULD, SIR SIMON.

THAT'S WHAT WE'RE FIGHTING THIS WAR ABOUT,

MY AUNTIE SAYS.

THAT'S THE STUFF, MY LADY!

YOU SEE? YOU'RE NOT SCARED A BIT.

OH...

NOW THAT YOU TWO CANTERVILLES ARE ACQUAINTED,

YOU MUST HAVE A LOT OF FAMILY MATTERS TO GAB ABOUT,

SO, UH, I'LL GET ON WITH MY CLEANING.

YOU, UH, SURE YOU'RE ALL RIGHT?

YES. THANK YOU.

UNLESS YOU'D RATHER BE ALONE.

OH, NO, NO.

PLEASE, PRAY SIT DOWN.

I'VE FORGOTTEN MY MANNERS.

WELL, IF I MAY SAY SO,

YOU COULD HAVE BEEN A LITTLE MORE POLITE TO CUFFY JUST NOW.

AFTER WHAT HE AND HIS BAND OF HOOLIGANS DID TO ME?

I MAY HAVE VERY LITTLE ELSE, BUT I STILL HAVE MY PRIDE.

MAYBE THEY WOULDN'T HAVE DONE ANYTHING TO YOU

IF YOU HADN'T FRIGHTENED THEM.

WHAT ELSE IS THERE FOR ME TO DO?

I AM A GHOST. I MUST FRIGHTEN PEOPLE.

AND I HAVE A REPUTATION TO UPHOLD.

THE MOST FEARSOME PHANTOM IN ALL ENGLAND CANNOT-

BUT CUFFY TOLD ME THAT THEY CHASED YOU UP THE CHIMNEY LAST NIGHT.

THAT WAS ONLY BECAUSE THOSE HOOLIGANS HAD...

LADY JESSICA...

I CANNOT PRETEND ANY LONGER.

SINCE LAST NIGHT,

IT IS I WHO AM FRIGHTENED,

I WHO TREMBLE AT THE SLIGHTEST NOISE.

POOR, POOR GHOST.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A GHOST,

NIGHT AFTER NIGHT, DAY AFTER DAY,

TO LIVE IN EMPTINESS BETWEEN HEAVEN AND EARTH

WITH NOTHING FOR COMPANY BUT YOUR BITTER MEMORIES?

BUT DO YOU HAVE TO KEEP ON BEING A GHOST?

I AM CONDEMNED TO BE A GHOST

UNTIL A KINSMAN PERFORM A BRAVE DEED IN MY BEHALF.

I HAVE WALKED THESE HALLS FOR THREE CENTURIES,

AND I'M SO TIRED.

IF ONLY I COULD REST.

IF ONLY I COULD DIE.

TO BE BURIED IN THE SOFT, BROWN EARTH

IN THE GARDEN BEYOND THE PINE WOODS,

TO HAVE NO YESTERDAY AND NO TOMORROW,

TO FORGET TIME,

TO BE AT PEACE.

OH, DEAR.

I WISH I COULD DO A BRAVE DEED FOR YOU.

HOW GOES IT, LADY?

OH, FINE.

SORRY TO BUST UP THIS LITTLE REUNION,

BUT THE LOOEY WILL BE BACK IN A MINUTE.

GOOD-BYE, SIR SIMON.

I'M VERY HAPPY TO HAVE MET YOU.

CUFFY, I THINK YOU OUGHT TO TELL YOUR FRIENDS

NOT TO CHASE HIM UP THE CHIMNEY ANYMORE.

WELL, THAT DEPENDS ON HIM.

BUT HE'S SO OLD

AND SO TIRED.

HUH!

EXCUSE ME, MY LADY. SEE YOU LATER.

SIR SIMON, I JUST SAW-

CUFFY HAS THE CANTERVILLE MARK ON HIS NECK.

WHAT?

EXACTLY LIKE MY FATHER HAD.

THAT AMERICAN RUFFIAN?

ISN'T IT WONDERFUL? HE MUST BE A CANTERVILLE.

EGAD, AND WHAT IF HE BE A CANTERVILLE?

SHALL I PRANCE JOYOUSLY AROUND

LIKE A SAUCY ANTELOPE?

BUT, SIR SIMON,

IF HE IS A KINSMAN, AND IF HE DOES A BRAVE DEED IN YOUR NAME,

HE CAN SAVE YOU, CAN'T HE?

CAN IT BE THAT THEY HAVE CONCEALED FROM THEE

WHY I AM STILL HERE?

DOST FANCY 'TIS BECAUSE I CANNOT FIND A KINSMAN?

WELL, I HEARD MR. POTTS SAY

THAT THE CANTERVILLES ALWAYS TURNED OUT TO BE COWARDS.

IS IT THAT?

COWARDS? GROSS FLATTERY.

HAD THEY TWICE THE COURAGE,

'TWOULD ONLY GIVE THEM HALF THE NAME.

THY GRANDFATHER, WOULD HE MOUNT A HORSE?

THY FATHER, SO FEARFUL OF WATER

THAT HE TREMBLED IN HIS BATH...

OR THYSELF, SWOONING AT THE MERE SIGHT OF MY SHADOW.

REALLY, NOW!

IT'S YOUR FAMILY, TOO, SIR SIMON!

ONLY TOO WELL DO I KNOW.

BUT, SIR SIMON, WAIT.

CUFFY CAN SAVE YOU. I KNOW IT.

IT ISN'T TRUE THAT ALL CANTERVILLES HAVE TO BE COWARDS.

HAVEN'T I LIVED LONG ENOUGH TO KNOW?

I WAS A COWARD, WASN'T I?

I WAS FRIGHTENED TO DEATH OF YOU.

NOW LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT ME!

I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU ANYMORE, NOT IN THE LEAST.

DON'T YOU SEE, SIR SIMON?

NAY, NAY. 'TWAS IN THEIR BLOOD AND BONES.

IT ISN'T IN MY BLOOD AND BONES,

AND IT ISN'T IN CUFFY'S.

YOU CAN TELL HE'S BRAVE JUST BY LOOKING AT HIM.

OH, SIR SIMON, I'LL ARRANGE FOR YOU TO MEET HIM AGAIN,

AND IF IT TURNS OUT THAT HE IS A CANTERVILLE...

MY GOODNESS! PERHAPS YOU'LL BE ABLE TO GO TO SLEEP

IN THE GARDEN BEYOND THE PINE WOODS AFTER ALL.

PLEASE, SIR SIMON.

VERY WELL, CHILD.

SIR SIMON, WHERE ARE YOU?

HERE, HERE.

GOOD EVENING, SIR SIMON.

I BROUGHT HIM.

SIR?

HOW ARE YOU, SIR SIMON? WHAT'S COOKING?

COOKING?

YEAH. I MEAN, WHAT'S ALL THE MYSTERY?

THE SERGEANT WILL HAVE THE BLOODHOUNDS AFTER ME

IF I'M NOT IN THE HAY BY 9:00.

AND AUNTIE WILL BE AFTER ME

IF SHE FINDS OUT I'M NOT IN BED.

GO ON, SIR SIMON, ASK HIM.

WELL, TELL ME, PRITHEE...

OH, YES.

I AM AWARE THAT FEW AMERICANS KNOW THEIR OWN GRANDFATHERS,

BUT DOST THOU BY ANY MIRACLE

REMEMBER AUGHT OF THINE ANCESTORS?

ANCESTORS? MY OLD MAN WOULD NEVER LOOK INTO HIS.

SAID HE WAS SCARED HE MIGHT TURN UP ONE THAT ENDED UP ON THE HOT SEAT.

HOT SEAT? NOWADAYS, ENGLAND AND AMERICA HAVE EVERYTHING IN COMMON

EXCEPT, OF COURSE, THE LANGUAGE.

SIR SIMON! THINK BACK, CUFFY, PLEASE.

TRY TO REMEMBER.

WE DON'T GO IN MUCH FOR THAT SORT OF THING

IN THE STATES.

WAIT A MINUTE. I HAD AN AUNT MARTHA.

SHE WAS A LITTLE WACKY ON THE SUBJECT.

ONCE, SHE DID TRACE MY MOTHER'S FAMILY TREE BACK

AS FAR AS SOME GUY THAT LANDED IN MASSACHUSETTS

WAY, WAY BACK.

HIS NAME WAS, UH, MARMALADE-

NO, NO. MARMADUKE.

MARMADUKE. THAT SAME MARMADUKE WHO FLED TO SALEM

AFTER CROMWELL SCATTERED THE CHIVALRY OF ENGLAND TO THE FOUR WINDS.

OH, SIR SIMON!

YOU KNEW HIM?

YEA. HE WAS THE SON OF MY BROTHER ANTHONY.

OH, NOW, TAKE IT EASY, SIR SIMON.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IT'S THE SAME MARMADUKE?

SHOW HIM.

HOLY CATS!

NOW THINE, PLEASE.

HOLY CATS, INDEED!

WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

WELL, I'LL BE...

WELL, THAT MAKES ME, UH...

YOUR...

NEPHEW. GREAT-GREAT- GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-NEPHEW.

AYE, THOU ART A KINSMAN,

A KINSMAN WHO CAN FREE ME

FROM THESE EARTHLY BONDS.

BY PERFORMING A BRAVE DEED IN HIS NAME.

I CAN, HUH?

WILT WEAR MY SIGNET, KINSMAN,

AND CARRY IT INTO BATTLE IN MY BEHALF?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW, NOW.

SEE, UH...

A COLONIAL RUFFIAN LIKE ME

SAVING A BLUE BLOOD LIKE YOU?

OH, BUT, CUFFY, YOU MUST SAVE HIM.

HE'S SO TIRED AND SLEEPY.

I COULDN'T EAT MY SUPPER TONIGHT FROM WORRYING OVER HIM.

BESIDES, THOU ART A CANTERVILLE THYSELF,

THE BLUEST BLOOD IN ALL BROAD ENGLAND.

THE BLUEST BLOOD, HUH?

OK, IT'S A DEAL.

YOU'RE IN, UNCLE,

THE FIRST TIME THEY TURN ME LOOSE ON THOSE NAZIS.

I SHALL BE EVERLASTINGLY GRATEFUL, NEPHEW.

I, TOO.

WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIME TO GET YOU HOME, LADY.

THUMBS UP, UNCLE.

IT'S IN THE BAG.

OH, FATHER,

GRANT THAT HE BE NOT LIKE THE OTHERS.

THE WHOLE DAY WASTED.

RIGHT NOW WE COULD BE IN LONDON, BUZZIN' THE TOWN.

YEAH, OR ON SKIRT PATROL, SKIRMISHING.

WHAT GETS ME IS, THE LOOEY STILL THINKS

WE WERE UP ALL NIGHT SHOOTING CRAP.

IF HE'D ONLY SEEN THE GHOST.

DON'T WORRY, SARGE. MAYBE HE WILL YET.

THAT'S RIGHT.

HOW?

CLICK, CLICK.

YOU MEAN, TAKE HIS PICTURE?

IF WE HAD A CAMERA, WHICH WE AIN'T GOT,

BUT WHICH YOU GOT.

WE GOT.

* BUM BUM LA-BA BUM BUM **

HEY, LOOK OUT!

WE GOT!

WHOA!

WE GOT THE CAMERA FOR THE GHOST PICTURE.

LISTEN, YOU GUYS, WHY DON'T YOU LAY OFF THAT POOR OLD GHOST?

HE ISN'T BOTHERING US ANYMORE, IS HE?

NOT MUCH! IF IT WASN'T FOR HIM, WE WOULDN'T BE STUCK HERE.

YOU CAN'T BLAME HIM. AFTER ALL, A GHOST HAS TO GROAN

THROUGH KEYHOLES AND RATTLE HIS CHAINS.

WHY THE SUDDEN SYMPATHY?

YEAH. WHO DREAMED UP THE GAS-MASK IDEA?

WELL, I KNOW, BUT NOW I GOT A SORT OF A PERSONAL INTEREST IN HIM.

I HAVE EVERY REASON TO BELIEVE THAT I'M THE LONG-LOST DUKE OF CANTERVILLE,

THE BLUEST BLOOD IN ALL BROAD ENGLAND.

THE DUKE OF CANTERVILLE?

SEEMS TO ME I SEEN YOU IN THE INDUCTION CENTER.

IF I WERE YOU,

I'D BE CAREFUL WHAT I SAID AND DID, SEE?

LIKE WHAT?

LIKE LOAFING ON MY LAWN

AND TALKING BEFORE YOU'RE TALKED TO.

YOU CAN - I BEG YOUR PARDON, YOUR GRACE.

THIS IS YOUR PRIVATE LAWN?

YEA.

ONLY YOU CAN LIE ON IT?

YEA.

EXCUSE ME, YOUR GRACE.

WHOA!

HA HA HA HA!

WHOOPS! SORRY!

DO YOU MIND IF WE REMOVE THE COVERALLS?

STEADY, OLD CHAP. IT'S AN OLD ENGLISH CUSTOM!

DEPANTSING THE DUKE.

HEY, LOOK!

LOOK!

GIVE ME MY PANTS!

HERE, HIDE BEHIND.

GOOD AFTERNOON, EVERYBODY.

GOOD AFTERNOON.

THIS IS MY AUNT, MRS. POLVERDINE.

GLAD TO MEET YOU.

I DON'T KNOW ALL YOUR NAMES, BUT YOU'RE BUGSY, AREN'T YOU?

YES, MA'AM. HOW DO YOU DO?

AND MR. WALTERS. HE'S THE INDIAN.

AND...

AND... OH, AUNTIE,

THIS IS CUFFY WILLIAMS.

HOW DO YOU DO, PRIVATE WILLIAMS?

YOU'VE MADE QUITE AN IMPRESSION ON MY NIECE.

THANK YOU.

CUFFY- I MEAN, ALL OF YOU-

AUNTIE SAID I MIGHT INVITE YOU

TO THE PARTY IN THE VILLAGE THIS AFTERNOON.

OOH! GEE!

A PARTY!

IT'S ONLY A HOLIDAY-AT-HOME DANCE,

BUT THERE'LL BE REFRESHMENTS.

GIRLS, TOO?

OH, YES.

GIRLS, SHE SAYS.

WHAT ARE THEY?

WELL...

GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS...

OH, I REMEMBER.

THEN YOU'LL COME?

SURE.

OH, YEAH.

DRIVE ALONG, THEN, JESSICA.

I'M SO GLAD TO HAVE MET YOU.

4:00. DON'T FORGET.

THANK YOU.

BYE.

GOOD-BYE!

BYE!

BYE!

BYE-BYE!

SEE YOU!

GOOD-BYE!

BYE!

DON'T FORGET THE GIRLS!

BYE!

WELL, WET YOUR WHISTLES. WET YOUR WHISTLES.

WHAT DO YOU DO ON MOONLIGHT NIGHTS, DIMPLES?

GRIND CRANKSHAFTS FOR WELLINGTON BOMBERS.

OH.

BUT IT'S DAYTIME NOW.

OH, WELL.

I SAY, COULD, UH...

ME?

UM, WOULD YOU...

SAM, SAM, ASK HIM IF HE WANTS TO DANCE.

HIM?

AYE, HIM. RIGHT.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?

WHY, I'D LOVE TO.

I BET HE WAS A GOOD DANCER AT ONE TIME.

HERE'S YOUR DREAM MAN, COOKIE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

HA HA!

MY LADY, MAY I HAVE THE PLEASURE OF THIS DANCE?

WITH ME? BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW.

YOU DON'T? THEN IT'S HIGH TIME YOU LEARNED.

ISN'T IT, MRS. POLVERDINE?

I THINK SHE'S VERY FORTUNATE

TO HAVE SUCH A CHARMING DANCING TEACHER.

THANK YOU. MY LADY.

THAT'S RIGHT.

I GO FORWARD, YOU GO BACKWARD.

WHEN I GO BACKWARD, VICE VERSA.

1-2-3, 1-2-3. THAT-A GIRL.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE MORE DIFFICULT.

IT IS FOR MOST PEOPLE.

SWING IT OUT, OLD-TIMER. COME ON.

MIND IF I SAW THEM CATGUTS, MISTER?

MY LADY, LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE STUCK WITH THE BUNION EXPRESS.

I CAN'T.

COME ON. CLIMB ABOARD.

IS THIS INDIAN STYLE?

UGH!

WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!

HOBOKEN TRIBE.

I BELIEVE THEY CALL IT WOOGIE-BOOGIE.

* HEY DOODLE DOODLE DA DA DA *

* DOODLE DOODLE DOODLE DOO OOH DA *

* DOODLE DOODLE DOO DOO OOH DOO DOO **

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE THE BELLE OF THE BALL?

I LIKE IT VERY MUCH,

BUT DOES IT ALWAYS MAKE YOU SO DIZZY?

IT MAKES MOST OF THEM EVEN DIZZIER.

SUPPOSE YOU AND I HAVE A SHORT ONE, HMM?

TWO, UH, NEAT.

YES, SIR.

ANYHOW, WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT?

THE LIEUTENANT THINKS IT'S APPLESAUCE.

I BELIEVE YOU SAW THE CANTERVILLE GHOST RIGHT ENOUGH,

BUT THE DAY WILL NEVER DAWN

WHEN HE'D RUN AWAY FROM A HUMAN BEING, THAT IT WON'T.

WAIT A MINUTE. HERE'S THE GUY TO BELIEVE.

BOYS, MEET THE DUKE OF CANTERVILLE HIMSELF.

AHH! OH!

OH, THE DUKE OF CANTERVILLE.

HONORED, YOUR GRACE.

IF IT CAN BE CALLED AN HONOR TO MEET A CANTERVILLE.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING A CANTERVILLE?

WELL, SINCE YOU'RE SO WELL-ACQUAINTED WITH THE GHOST, WHY NOT ASK HIM?

CUFFY, PLEASE, UH,

WILL YOU DANCE WITH ME AGAIN?

SURE.

HEY, YOU!

IT'S ME. CUFFY.

ODD'S GALLOWS, WHAT A FRIGHT THOU GAVEST ME.

UNCLE, I'VE BEEN THINKING.

LOOK, YOU CAN COME INTO FOCUS NOW. IT'S ONLY ME.

OH, EXCUSE ME.

THANKS. THAT'S BETTER.

IT'S SUCH A PROBLEM TO HAVE TO WALK THESE NIGHTS.

UNCLE, IF YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HANG AROUND HERE

UNTIL A CANTERVILLE DOES A BRAVE DEED FOR YOU,

HOW COME YOU'RE STILL HERE AFTER 300 YEARS?

HAS IT REALLY BEEN THAT LONG?

WHAT HAPPENED WHEN THEY TRIED TO SAVE YOU?

EXCUSE ME. I'M OVERDUE NOW. I REALLY MUST GIBBER AT THE ORIEL WINDOW.

WAIT A MINUTE. QUIT STALLING.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE CANTERVILLES?

WRONG? SIR, ARE YOU IMPUGNING THE FAMILY HONOR?

ALL RIGHT. I WAS WILLING TO PLAY ALONG WITH YOU,

BUT IF YOU'RE GOING TO HOLD OUT ON ME...

NAY, NAY, KINSMAN.

I WAS MERELY TRYING TO SPARE THEE.

SPARE ME?

WHAT? GO ON. SPILL IT.

MAYHAP IT IS BETTER

IF THINE ANCESTORS SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES.

COME WITH ME.

HEY, EDDIE. HE'S OUT THERE.

HARRY. HARRY. THE GHOST IS WALKING.

COME ON.

IN HERE, NEPHEW.

UH!

OH, EXCUSE ME. I KEEP FORGETTING.

IT'S OK. JUST A LITTLE NEW TO ME.

THIS MUST BE A ROOM I MISSED SWEEPING OUT THE OTHER DAY.

WOULD THOU COULDST SWEEP AWAY ITS HISTORY.

GAZE UPON THEM, OUR NOBLE FAMILY.

SIR GERALD DE CANTERVILLE,

THE PROUD SKIPPER OF THE FRIGATE CRANSTON.

WHEN SHE SANK,

HE WAS THE FIRST TO LEAVE HIS SHIP.

SIR ANDREW DE CANTERVILLE.

HE SAW A GRENADIER LOSE A FINGER AT BLENHEIM BATTLE

AND SWOONED AWAY.

AND THE BLESSED TWINS.

LIEUTENANT PAUL RODE THE WRONG WAY

IN THE CHARGE OF THE LIGHT BRIGADE.

LIEUTENANT PETER WAS 10 LENGTHS AHEAD OF HIM.

YOU MEAN THEY WERE ALL COWARDS.

ALL.

AT THE MOMENT OF CRISIS, THEIR EYES DISTEND,

THEIR KNEES BUCKLE,

THEIR HANDS TREMBLE AS WITH THE AGUE.

AYE, OF ALL THE HEROIC FAMILIES

THAT FOR CENTURIES HAVE BRIGHTENED

THE HONOR AND GLORY OF ENGLAND,

OURS HAD TO BE A BROOD OF LILY-LIVERED TITMICE.

SO THAT'S WHY YOU HELD OUT ON ME.

YOU THOUGHT IF I FOUND OUT, I'D BE THE SAME WAY.

OH, NAY, NOT AT ALL. IT NEVER ENTERED MY MIND.

THEN WHAT ARE YOU MAKING ALL THE FUSS ABOUT?

SO THEY ALL TURNED CHICKEN ON YOU.

SO THEY ALL HAVE CARROTS FOR BREAKFAST ON TUESDAYS.

IT'S THE SAME THING TO ME.

VERILY?

I DON'T CARE WHAT THE OTHERS DID.

THIS IS CUFFY, SEE?

VERILY.

ALL RIGHT, THEN.

WHEW!

NOW, HARRY, SHOOT!

WE GOT IT! YIPPEE!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

THE GHOST'S PICTURE.

HE GOT IT. WHO?

HARRY! HE'S IN THE ARMOR.

THAT-A BOY, HARRY.

HARRY, YOU GOT IT.

TAKE IT EASY, HARRY. TAKE IT EASY, NOW.

CAREFUL. CAREFUL!

GEE, I BROKE IT, DIDN'T I, EDDIE?

THAT'S RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, MEN, THIS IS IT. START LOADING THE TRUCKS.

BATTLE EQUIPMENT!

CHECK THE MEN FOR PERSONAL BELONGINGS.

WALKER-DYNAMITE, PLUNGER BOXES, FUSE, WIRE.

OK, SERGEANT. LET'S GO!

BROWN! BE SURE TO TAKE OFF THAT RING. IT'LL SHINE IN THE DARK.

SURE THING, SARGE.

REMEMBER, WE BLOW THE REFINERY AT 2350.

WE HAVE TO HOLD THIS POINT THE EIGHT MINUTES IT TAKES US TO GET BACK

IN CASE ANY JERRIES COME DOWN THIS ROAD FROM THE COAST AND TRY TO CUT US OFF.

CHECK? CHECK.

CHECK.

McDOUGLE, YOU'LL FIND THE PHONE WIRE ABOUT A HALF-MILE DOWN THE ROAD.

CUT IT AND GET BACK TO YOUR CREW. YES, SIR.

SEE YOU LATER, KIDS.

PROTECTION PLUS THE WIDEST RANGE OF FIRE.

YOU ALL SET?

YEP.

IT WON'T BE LONG NOW, GWENDOLYN.

I THINK I'LL KEEP AN EYE OUT FROM ABOVE.

OK, CUFFY.

...BUT DELIVER US FROM EVIL,

FOR THINE IS THE KINGDOM AND THE POWER AND THE GLORY

FOREVER AND EVER.

AMEN.

I HAVE SO MUCH SPECIAL TO ASK TONIGHT.

PLEASE TAKE CARE OF CUFFY.

PLEASE DO. DON'T LET HIM GET HURT.

AND UNCLE SIMON-

YOU KNOW, I TOLD YOU ABOUT HIM-

HE'S SUCH A POOR, POOR, FUNNY OLD GHOST,

AND HE'S SO TIRED.

WON'T YOU PLEASE LET CUFFY SAVE HIM

SO HE CAN GO TO SLEEP?

YE SKULKING, CRINGING, MISBEGOTTEN PACKAGE OF PEAFOWL,

YE WRETCHED POLTROONS

WHO HAVE DARKENED ENGLAND'S BRIGHTEST MOMENTS,

NOT FOR LONG NOW WILL I HAVE YOU LEERING AT ME

IN CYNICAL MOCKERY,

NOT FOR LONG...

YE DRIBBLE-PUSSES.

AS FOR THEE, CAPTAIN BERTRAM,

WHO HID TREMBLING IN A WELL AT WATERLOO,

I SPIT IN THINE EYE.

THEE, FAT ALGERNON,

WHO POSED FOR TWO YEARS AS A DOWAGER

TO ESCAPE FIGHTING A DUEL,

I SPIT IN THINE EYE.

THEE, SIR PERCIVAL,

WHO FOUGHT THROUGH THE THIRTY YEARS' WAR

WITHOUT FIRING A SHOT...

OH!

THE RING!

OH! OH!

AAH!

OH! OH!

DID YOU SEE IT?

OH! AAH!

OOH!

AAH!

THE RING. YOU FORGOT THE RING.

OH. WELL, GIVE IT HERE.

THANK YOU.

FORGET IT.

WELL?

THINKEST THOU THE ENEMY WILL COME THIS WAY?

THAT ISN'T WHAT'S WORRYING YOU.

WITH HALF AN EYE, ONE CAN SEE THAT THOU HAST THE HEART OF A LION.

HORSEFEATHERS. GO AWAY, WILL YOU? GO ON!

I MERELY THOUGHT I COULD BOLSTER YOU UP

IN CASE YOU WERE A BIT SQUEAMISH.

I WANT TO BE SQUEAMISH!

QUIT CHECKING UP ON ME AND SCRAM, WILL YOU?

AS YOU WILL.

I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO BEAT IT.

THOU ART MY ONLY HOPE, MY ONLY SALVATION.

SIGN OFF, WILL YOU?!

WHAT'S HAPPENED TO THOSE GUYS?

TRIGGER!

KEEP A COOL HEAD. KEEP A COOL HEAD. KEEP A COOL HEAD.

GET OUT OF HERE! GO ON, GET OUT!

MOTORCYCLE PATROL. LOTS OF THEM.

MM-HMM.

WE'LL WAIT TILL WE SEE THE BACKS OF THEIR TONSILS.

GOD, THERE'S HOPE.

TRIGGER.

TRIGGER!

GET 'EM, CUFFY.

FIRE, NEPHEW, FIRE!

FIRE, NEPHEW, FIRE!

NEPHEW! NEPHEW!

NEPHEW.

* OH, ICE CREAM AND COOKIES *

* FOR FLAT-FOOTED ROOKIES *

* SO CHEER UP, MY LADS, BLESS THEM ALL *

OH!

* BLESS THEM ALL, BLESS THEM ALL *

* THE LONG AND THE SHORT AND THE TALL *

* BLESS ALL THE BLONDIES AND ALL THE BRUNETTES *

* EACH LAD IS HAPPY TO TAKE WHAT HE GETS *

* 'CAUSE WE'RE GIVING THE EYE TO THEM ALL *

* THE ONES THAT ATTRACT OR APPALL *

* MAUD, MAGGIE, OR SUSIE, YOU CAN'T BE TOO CHOOSY *

* WHEN YOU'RE IN CAMP, BLESS THEM ALL **

THE COLONEL'S COMPLIMENTS, AND HE WANTS ME TO TELL YOU

THAT WE ARE THE BEST PLATOON IN THE WHOLE OUTFIT.

HOORAY! HOORAY!HOORAY!

BUT I'M NOT SATISFIED,

SO WE'RE GONNA TAKE A LITTLE JAUNT INTO THE WOODS

AND IRON OUT THE MISTAKES WE MADE ON OUR RAID.

RIGHT NOW.

RIGHT NOW!

FALL IN!

WILLIAMS.

I'VE DISCUSSED YOUR REPORT WITH THE COLONEL, AND HE FEELS

WE HAVE NO ALTERNATIVE BUT TO TRANSFER YOU BACK TO YOUR OLD OUTFIT.

RULES ARE RULES, WILLIAMS, AND WE CAN'T AFFORD TO RISK YOUR LIFE

AND THE LIVES OF OTHERS TAKING ANOTHER CHANCE.

YES, SIR.

I'VE ARRANGED FOR A JEEP TO PICK YOU UP AT 2200.

THANK YOU, SIR.

GOOD LUCK, WILLIAMS.

SIR, THE PLATOON IS FORMED.

LEFT FACE!

RIGHT SHOULDER- ARMS!

FORWARD MARCH!

* GERTIE FROM BIZERTE *

* YOU'RE AS PURTY, PURTY, PURTY AS CAN BE *

* GERTIE FROM BIZERTE *

* DON'T YOU NEVER, EVER DARE DESERTIE ME *

* THOUGH YOUR LINGO I DON'T KNOW *

* WHEN WE KISS, YOU MAKE ME HOLLER "BINGO!" HO HO HO *

* GERTIE FROM BIZERTE *

* YOU'RE THE GAL FOR ME **

CUFFY, I'VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU FOR DAYS,

AND AUNTIE PUT ME TO BED EARLY,

AND I COULDN'T SLEEP ALL LAST NIGHT, AND-

CUFFY, WHAT HAPPENED?

YOU BETTER RUN ALONG HOME, LADY. I GOT TO PACK.

YOU'RE GOING AWAY?

YEAH.

OH, CUFFY.

THAT'S RIGHT. LOOK AT ME.

I'M A CANTERVILLE, ALL RIGHT,

JUST AS COWARDLY AS THE REST OF THEM.

DON'T SAY THAT. YOU'RE NOT A COWARD.

YOU'RE BRAVE. I KNOW IT.

I KNOW IT.

ALL RIGHT, LADY, HAVE IT YOUR OWN WAY.

CUFFY.

I'M SORRY IT TURNED OUT THIS WAY.

GOOD-BYE, LADY.

CUFFY...

CUFFY! CUFFY!

THERE'S A PARACHUTE. I JUST SAW IT COMING DOWN.

MAYBE A NAZI CAME DOWN IN IT.

OH, CUFFY, WHAT WILL WE DO?

WHERE IS THAT PARACHUTE, LADY?

IT'S THIS SIDE OF THE STONE BRIDGE.

WHERE'S THE STONE BRIDGE?

DO YOU KNOW THE OLD SIDE ROAD? NO.

I'LL TAKE YOU. I KNOW A SHORTCUT.

ALL RIGHT. COME ON. WE'LL GO IN THE JEEP.

THERE.

YOU STAY HERE. DUCK DOWN.

DUCK DOWN!

PARACHUTE MINE!

A BLOCKBUSTER!

LET'S GO, LADY!

THAT THING GOES OFF, IT'LL KILL EVERY LIVING THING WITHIN A HALF A MILE!

THE SLIGHTEST JAR MIGHT START IT TICKING.

LOOK! THE RANGERS.

THEY'RE SCATTERED ALL THROUGH THE WOODS.

THEY'LL BE KILLED.

JESSICA, GET BACK TO THE CASTLE QUICK!

BUT AREN'T YOU COMING?

I GOT TO HAUL IT AWAY WITH THE JEEP, DUMP IT OVER THE CLIFF.

GET GOING NOW. RUN QUICK! HIDE IN THE CELLAR!

RUN!

LADY JESSICA!

OH, UNCLE SIMON!

WHERE'S CUFFY? HAS HE ENCOUNTERED THE ENEMY?

OH, UNCLE SIMON, CUFFY'S MOVING A BLOCKBUSTER.

HE'S DOING THE BRAVEST DEED THAT EVER WAS.

THE PORTRAIT OF A CANTERVILLE.

NO, UNCLE, NO!

YOU'RE NOT A COWARD! YOU'RE NOT A COWARD!

CUFFY, YOU WERE DOING THE BRAVE DEED.

DON'T YOU SEE? YOU CAN DO IT!

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID BECAUSE YOU'RE A CANTERVILLE.

YOU ONLY THINK YOU DO.

LOOK, CUFFY, I'M NOT AFRAID OF THE MINE!

LOOK, CUFFY, LOOK!

I'M NOT AFRAID OF THE MINE! LOOK, CUFFY, LOOK!

I'M NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING BECAUSE, BECAUSE...

IT'S TICKING!

JESSICA!

RUN FOR IT, LADY!

I'M ALL RIGHT NOW. GO GET OUT OF HERE.

I'M ALL RIGHT, I TELL YOU! RUN!

OUT OF MY WAY!

CAREFUL, NEPHEW.

CAREFUL.

GET IN, UNCLE.

KEEP YOUR EYE ON THAT TOW CHAIN.

UH!

OOH!

HEY, YOU RANGERS, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

WE GOT A BLOCKBUSTER ON HERE,

A TIME BOMB!

RUN! BLOCKBUSTER!

OOH!

OH!

HEY, UNCLE, WHERE ARE YOU?

HERE!

WHOA!

NEPHEW!

NEPHEW!

IF IT'LL ONLY HOLD FOR 20 SECONDS MORE!

4, 5, 6, 7,

8, 9, 10, 11...

13, 14, 15, 16...

RUN, UNCLE, RUN!

AAH!

RUN, NEPHEW!

27, 28, 29, 30,

31, 32, 33, 34,

35, 3-

WHAT'S ALL THIS HOOEY ABOUT TICKING?

IT'S A DUD.

HOW WILL WE EVER GET IT INTO PLACE AGAIN?

OH, MY.

MY BOWLER.

NEVER MIND YOUR BOWLER.

GO AND RING UP THE AIR RAID SERVICE.

OH, DEAR.

WELL, I SUPPOSE WE'RE LUCKY TO HAVE ESCAPED WITH OUR LIVES.

JESSICA.

I MADE HIM DO IT. CUFFY.

NOW, DARLING, WE'LL GO HOME,

AND I'LL PUT YOU IN YOUR NICE WARM BED.

I'LL GET YOUR THINGS.

* GERTIE FROM BIZERTE *

* YOU'RE THE GAL FOR ME *

* GERTIE FROM BIZERTE *

CUFFY!

*... AS CAN BE *

* GERTIE FROM BIZERTE *

* DON'T YOU NEVER, EVER DARE DESERTIE ME *

* DESERTIE ME *

* THOUGH YOUR LINGO I DON'T KNOW *

* WHEN WE KISS, YOU MAKE ME HOLLER "BINGO!" HO HO HO *

* GERTIE FROM BIZERTE *

* YOU'RE THE GAL FOR ME **

CUFFY, YOU'RE ALIVE.

HOW DID YOU DO IT?

I JUST DUMPED THE COCKEYED THING RIGHT INTO THE RAVINE.

LIKE SAINT GEORGE SLAYING THE COCKEYED DRAGON.

OH! UNCLE SIMON.

WHAT, CHILD?

IF CUFFY IS A CANTERVILLE,

AND HE'S DONE A BRAVE DEED FOR YOU,

THEN WHY ARE YOU STANDING HERE?

YEAH. WHY AREN'T YOU IN THAT GARDEN BEYOND THE PINE WOODS?

FATHER.

FATHER!

FATHER!

POOR UNCLE SIMON.

FATHER!

FATHER.

THANK YOU, NEPHEW.

THANK YOU, NIECE.

FAREWELL.

FAREWELL, UNCLE.

FAREWELL.

DID YOU SEE THAT, LIEUTENANT?

THAT'S WHAT WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO...

GEE, THAT CERTAINLY IS A LONG TIME TO GO WITHOUT SLEEP.

YES, BUT YOU NEARLY ALWAYS HAVE TO WAIT

FOR ANYTHING YOU WANT VERY MUCH.

HOW OLD ARE YOU, CUFFY?

WHY?

I SHALL BE 7 IN MAY.