All language subtitles for The.Babymoon.2017.1080p.BluRay.H264.AAC-RARBG-CHI

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Colored & Improved By aLDEN

(WOMAN SPEAKS OVER PA)

(CHILD LAUGHING)

Have you guys seen the
new Kate Winslet movie?

It's great. You
should check it out.

Apparently I'm told I
look just like her.

And hopefully my acting career

will take off just like hers.

That is not gonna help.

She wants your autograph
signed with her pencil skirt.

It's okay, she'll get the hint.

I'll get you guys some sugar.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

What? Th e little guy?

(SIGHS)

What, the waitress?

She's only doing that
because she thinks

I'm gonna call my agent
and tell him I found

the next Jennifer Lawrence on
my flight to Cartegentina.

Oh, oh, oops, I'm so sorry, sir.

Is everything okay?

Um, no, can we get a
ginger ale, please?

No, it's fine. I don't need one.

Oh, is the little one
creating a fuss?

L-low far along are you, sugar?

Way too far to put a stop to it.

I think this trend
of having a Babymoon

is just absolutely fabulous.

Well, it's the last vacation
you're going to have

for the next 20 years

of child-rearing responsibility.

My acting coach in
fort worth, Texas,

who reads a lot of
Stella Adler...

Thank you for your advice,

but we can do without
the down-home wisdom.

I simply asked for a drink,
so if you could go get that,

- bring it unopened, please, okay?
- Mm-hmm.

And if you could please stop
touching me, that would be great.

- Thank you.
- Right away, sir.

Unopened.

You are such a dick.

Yeah, but I'm your dick, honey.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, you like? Like our country?

You like the country?

We go one way and now
we go a better way.

- Watch out there.
- The little puppies.

I know.

They're totally gonna
cross the street.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Why's it at...

Mmm, I don't think
he has any plans

is the problem here.

That was almost as
long as that flight.

- Sir.
- Si.

Here.

Buy a map, please.

- (CHUCKLES) thank you very much, Señora.
- Thank you.

- Uh, Mr. and Mrs.
- yes.

- Homer Simpson.
- In your mind, maybe,

but in my computer, no existe.

Which, it does not exist.

- Just give the passports.
- It's okay. It's okay, I got it.

It's okay, it's our
celebrity cover name.

I... I just wanna get
back to the room.

Okay.

Thank you very much Mr.
William trah-say...

- Mickey Vann? Mickey Vann?
- Yep.

- Mickey Vann?
- I get it.

- Don't get VHI.
- Um, just ensure that we're on

the first or second floor.

I just get really dizzy.

I have you in the
premier bungalow.

Is that first, third, you
know, second, maybe?

Technically speaking,
it's on the third floor,

but you feel like you're on...

The floor that you are on.

- It'll be okay, baby.
- Do you have a um...

- A Baño?
- Yes.

There is some, please.

To your left, then make a right.

And then make a right.

If you get lost, just
say band, por favor.

- Just say Baño.
- Baño, por... fine.

Yes, you look very nice,
so they will sense

that you mean "por favor,"
even if you don't say it.

Left, right, left. De nada.

Hasta Lu ego.

So, I couldn't notice
that she has a...

- Baby?
- Is yours?

- Si.
- Okay, Muy Bien. Felicidades!

At least I'm not done yet.

Yes. No.

Best zip line for family.

- Honey.
- You should love it.

I cannot do a zip line.

- Why?
- It's not safe.

Cartegentina's best
rock climbing.

Safe.

You know what, it's okay, baby.
You know what we'll do?

We'll get dressed, we'll go in.

We'll go to the booze cruise,
we'll get our dance on.

Hmm? Shaka, Shaka, Shaka.

Sounds like fun for you.

- Oh, right, you get motion sickness.
- Yeah.

It's okay, we'll just...
We'll get changed,

we'll go lie by the pool.

Yeah, thanks.

Ooh'. Not bad for a third
world country, huh?

This room is way
over our budget.

(GASPS) oh, honey, you've
gotta see these aboriginals

with their fancy masks.

Is it Mardi Gras over here?

Uh, no, those are gas masks.

Yeah, people are preparing for
the political demonstrations

against our not-very-effective
government.

That was not on the
trip advisor review.

Oh-oh, yeah, fight the man, huh?

Poof. Yeah, you gotta
explode that one.

Oh, okay.

Um, check with the concierge.

He will make sure that you see

all of the beauty of the island

without any of its,
you know, ugliness.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Did I... if I did something
to displease you I didn't...

Please check out Ricco's Bistro.

Chef Ricco's Ceviche
was rated number four

in gourmet international magazine.
He's very good.

- Okay.
- Gracias.

What's Ceviche?

It's raw fish. I can't eat it.

Hi, yes, can you please send
someone a little more qualified

to send the rest of our baggage?
Thanks.

(INHALES) a little bit harsh.

She was already coming onto you.

Hanna, honey, that's a
little bit paranoid.

Do not call me that.

Seriously.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

Honey, see this?

This window?

- This is a separate country.
- Yes. (GIGGLES)

They have their own
cultures and customs, hmm?

But this is our time

and we can do whatever we want.

And if you want a
little bit of this,

- you know what Tm sums, sugar?
- Mm-mmm.

Mm-mmm.

Okay.

What color do you think
for the pool, honey?

- Come here.
- It's okay.

I don't wanna make you do
something you don't wanna do.

(UNZIPS)

Oh.

Oh! Okay, yeah,
this is happening.

Okay, we're goin' for it.

No, it's okay, honey, it's okay.

We're okay.

We're okay.

- It's safer that way.
- I bet.

What about your jewelry?

Not worth it.

I like your designs.

(TROPICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

I thought I was getting
away from the jackals.

Looks like I brought
you right to the den.

Okay, hold on. Let me
just get my footing.

- Oh!
- It's okay, honey.

- I don't want you to fall back.
- Thank you.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yup.

We're just making a scene.

No, I'm not. Don't worry.

Whale has beached.

Do you mind?

- Staring's rude.
- (LAUGHING)

Okay.

Asshole.

Asshole, yes.

Do you know who that is?

Who, what?

- That's Fabrice Mancini.
- I should know him from...

Do you know “friends," “two
and a half men, “" seinfeld“?

- Yeah, of course. Okay, he had
nothing - to do with those,

but he always had a knack
for getting his lower grade

sitcoms to air right after them.

- Made a fortune.
- That's great.

Well, maybe he'll recognize you

and you'll feel right at home.

(LAUGHING)

- Uh!
- What are you doing?

- Is he looking?
- No.

I'm gonna go to the pool.

- Do you want help?
- Nope, I got it.

I'm good, thanks.

You look great, honey.

Mi Amore.

At least you'll be
pretty like your father.

(BABY'S HEART BEATING)

(GASPS)

- I like that.
- Do that next time.

Oh, okay.

Just make sure that
you send it out...

What the hell is going on here?

Honey, I'm... I... I...

Hanna, honey, it's
just the receipt.

It's for a couple of drinks.

I can't drink.

No, baby, it's not for you.
It's for Fabrice.

Huh? It's a classy move, right?

Sending over drinks and he
has to at least thank me.

Gives me an opening.

There it is.

Hey, sir, this gentleman down
there sent these for you.

(MUTTERS)

- Uh!
- Bastards.

Hey, kid, what's your name?

- Diago.
- Diago.

How would you like to
make this many pesos?

- I'm gonna go back to the room.
- Hey, great idea, honey.

Rest up for dinner,
we're here to relax.

I need you to go
over to those girls

and tell them that you
saw someone famous.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, um, maybe, uh,

maybe "famous" is
too pretentious.

- Really cool.
- Really cool, okay.

Wait, wait, wait, um,
"in awe-inspiring way."

What does this mean?

Like, uh, wow, wow.

- Wow.
- Wow, wow.

Wow, wow, wow.

- Wow.
- Wow, wow, wow.

Wow. Okay, okay.

MAN: Okay, okay.
(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

Hola, Señora.
(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

- Oh, shit.
- (SPEAKING SPANISH)

I am so sorry.

The Jewel is fine.

More importantly, Miss,
are you all right?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

That jewelry is
absolutely beautiful.

May I ask who the designer is?

Uh, it's me, actually.

- Absolutely breathtaking.
- Thank you.

I have a small line in a
boutique in Los Angeles.

I will pay for any damage
there is to that bracelet.

Not necessary.

I'm the buyer for this store.

We have many hotel chains at all
the top resorts across the world

and I would like to talk
to you about your line.

- No.
- Yes.

Wait, really?

Unless you're not interested.

- Excuse me.
- Can I help you?

Yeah! You, you... I
saw you over there

you look like a boxer.

- I'm a golden Glover.
- No kidding.

- Yes, sir.
- Golden gloves.

Trace McEvans!

Dio Mio.

May I please have
your autograph?

Uh, yeah, certainly. You know, hey,
happens all the time, you know?

Especially in the larger
entertainment markets.

I mean, glad to see that my
I.2 million view ah base

is growing internationally.

Here you go, kid.

First famous autograph, hmm?

Actually, I got bono's
autograph last month.

He was here for a
benefit concert.

Are you as famous as Bono?

That's a good question.

I, uh, I, too, am
in a famous band.

Wait, like a band like u2?

Well, no, we only
had the one album,

but our sous, "hard
rock from the heart,"

was number one for five weeks,
three of them consecutive.

Stop the show!

Yes, I know who you are.
You're famous for... what?

Uh, you know, I did a
little bit of TV hosting,

I was in a band.

He's famous for cheating.

Somebody can be famous for this?

You heard him. Every
week a million people

would tune in to watch
his shitty reality show.

Uh! You should have seen it.

They take this D-list
celebrity couple,

they stick him in the house,
fill it with morally dubious

cable TV floozies,
while his girlfriend

watches everything
happening on a monitor.

Uh! It was brutal.

Ooh! And the best
part, be modest...

Let me guess, he cheated?

With every single one of them.

(LAUGHS)

Wow.

Class act.

What was your nickname?
What did they call you?

You were the prince of penis,

or, um, royal dickhead

what did they... something.
What did they call you?

Yeah, that was a... that was
a tough time in my life,

and, you know, before
I settled down

and, as you know, it's TV
and there's no actual...

I mean, it's... It's
for a show, you know.

The producers they changed
the name of the show.

It was actually supposed to
be "lifestyle of a rocker,"

and you know, they
made me do some things

that I didn't really,
you know, wanna do.

What did they call you?

- King of...
- King of infidelity! That's it.

Not even a good nickname, really.
It doesn't roll.

If it was me, my show,
"Sultan of Shlong."

Right? A little mysterious,
a little Turkish sounding.

Not even a good nickname.

Looks like he didn't want
your autograph after all,

king of assholes.

That's a good one, too.

That really is. Think
of the t-shirts.

Beautiful view you
guys got up here.

- Señora Mcevans!
- Uh!

Como Va Todo?

Uh...

Is everything to your liking?

Comos... yes! Everything's fine.

(CHUCKLES) please, allow me

to escort you to your room.

- Gracias.
- De nada.

Wish I could say
more than "gracias."

That's very good,
your pronunciation.

Constructed in the i9305,
just above the ruins,

if you can look out there,

the ancient ruins of
the Cueva de Amor,

which is in English,
"cave of love."

And is built where the
indigenous villagers would go

for romantic trysts.

I, myself, went for
a romantic tryst,

and I'm still trysting today.

- With my wife.
- Oh, okay.

And now, unfortunately, it's
just a rebel stronghold.

Rebels? Is that dangerous?

The people, they would come
from all over to work,

but the current government
put a stop to what they call

foreign invaders, and they said,

"a la Hui, Hui, Hui," you know?

Mm-hmm, yeah, we have people
like that in America, too,

but we tricked them all
into living Arizona.

Brilliant, Señora. May your
little one share your optimism

and make the world
a better place.

And here we are, your room.

Whoo! Yes! Baby, I'm in there!

We are back in business.
(GRUNTS)

So, your pandering
went well, I suppose?

- Oh, babe, he was such a fan of my work.
- That's great.

(GRUNTS) yes! This is such a
huge opportunity for us, huh?

- Us?
- Baby, don't do that, this is too good.

I already said "great."

Baby, I have a meeting
with Fabrice.

If I can impress this guy, huh?

He can put me on his new TV show.
A musical.

Right after the new "glee" spinoff.
It can't fail.

- Do you know what that means?
- Love scenes

with someone not as
cool as Jane lynch?

No, this means like not... not chasing
after my own celebrity hot spots

and tipping off
my own paparazzi.

I mean, a real acting job.

Baby, consistent work.

You know? Paying better
than any reality gig.

Huh? You know what I mean?

I'm meeting with
Fabrice tonight, okay?

I'm gonna... uh, white...
white tank, shorts?

Pink collar, Navy slacks.

Hey, baby, why don't you...
Why don't you like

make yourself a tea,
just relax, you know,

have a nap and then, and
then we'll go like at night

and we'll just have a
nice stroll on the beach.

You know, a nap sounds perfect.

Great. Mm-mmm!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Fabrice!

Uh, hey! Where'd the
ladies go, huh?

They clock out on me
when the sun goes down.

But, I'm here to pick
up the night shift.

Yeah, well, I mean, they seem
to be a little distracted.

We're not all as lucky as you
are, you little cock blocker.

Cute. I like the shirt.

Very David Cassidy.

Yeah, my... my wife
picked it out.

I got us a table.

Us?

I hope this will be
comfortable enough for you.

The hotel has the best
restaurant in the city.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

All I wanna do is work hard,

make a shit ton of money,

clock out at 5:00, go
home, be with my family.

- Oh, is that all?
- That's it.

- That's it?
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That sounds like the
position someone earns

after 20 years at
the grindstone.

Those are long hours.

That's the one thing
my stay-at-home,

bored ex-wives never understood.

All that time at
work is required

to get where you wanna go and they
just think... they never got it.

I mean, listen, I think that if
you're both sound as a couple

and you, um, you know,
you're both successful,

that you avoid making
those kinds of mistakes.

Well, excuse me, who
are you to judge me?

You... you, no, I'm
talking to you.

You're a literal fame whore.

You were on a show
and your talent

was banging chicks that
you didn't know...

To get more famous. And
you're judging me?

You're no better than
these girls at the bar.

And you, you're actually... You know what?
You're worse.

You're the worst kind because
you expect all the attention,

yet you do nothing for it.

And you're judging me.
That's awesome.

I... I... Uh, I can't tell if...

Are you serious?

I can't tell if you're
kidding or if...

No, this is not my kidding face.

Fabrice, I'm really...

I think you got the
wrong impression here.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Okay, well, here's the
impression that I have

and you tell me if
I'm right or wrong.

My impression is that
you crashed my dinner

so that you could tell
me, in some long-winded

Self-Grandizing way, how wonderful
you would be on my new TV musical.

- (SIGHS)
- Am I close?

I'm not... I'm not gonna lie.
That that would be a dream.

Yeah, as in fairies and elves

and Santa having sex
with the Easter bunny.

It would be a dream.
You, in my musical.

- I mean...
- Although, you know what?

You came here like a
man to talk to me,

tell me your credits. How many
musicals have you performed in?

Go ahead, tick them off.

(SIGHS) um... well, I, I...

Do you have any actual
acting experience?

Something where you
haven't been on camera

just playing this shitty version
of the person that you are?

Tell me about your
line of jewelry.

Um, I do mainly rings,
um, bangles, necklaces.

I... I meant the inspiration
for your jewelry.

Boredom and desperation?

Had I such a woman with
obvious artistic talent,

I would not let her suffer one
excruciating moment of boredom.

Stop it.

I'm very serious about
carrying your line.

Well, that's why I'm here,

to see how interested
you are in my jewelry.

Vastly.

This is why you'll never
be anything but a joke.

You have no substance.

You can't just want something
to happen and wish upon a star

and expect it to happen.
That's not how it works.

You want a career,
you want success?

- Yes.
- Well, then work for it!

You think I went
into show business

hoping to do a series of
successful second-rate

television shows with
horrible laugh tracks?

No! I would give
my left nut to do

a prestige drama
with Morgan Freeman,

but it's not
knocking on my door.

They don't just give those
shows away, do they?

- No?
- No.

So, what did I do?
I kept working.

I kept working and working
and hopefully one day,

someday it all comes together.

But I... This is not about you.

And I don't wanna be this guy.

I don't wanna be the asshole
that has to tell you the truth,

that none of your idiot
friends in show business

- have the balls to tell you.
- Sure.

But, you know, I'm me. You
know what I'm saying?

That's just who I am.

I didn't get to where I am by
sugarcoating bowel movements,

especially with people
I'm in business with.

Now, you wanna be realistic?
Okay.

Now the next time one of these
opportunities comes up,

you think about this,

maybe you wanna do some
high profile porn?

When one of these i6 and pregnant
reality star girls turns i8,

you give me a call.

I know a guy, and we will
make some money together.

Thank you for your
time, fabrice.

Mm-hmm.

Hey!

Anyway, that was
basically the end of it

and we never saw each other
again and all the better for it

- because I didn't like her anyway.
- That's good, then.

Excuse me, can you
bring two desserts?

All for me, but put
them in front of her.

Thank you.

How did you know my favorite?

Well, look, you don't want
anything to happen to your thighs.

So, I'll do it with mine, yeah?

Uh...

I'm sorry if I gave
you the wrong idea.

Or maybe you gave
me the wrong idea.

This... this meal has nothing
to do with jewelry, does it?

Everything has everything
to do with jewelry.

I suppose I have not been
completely clear with you.

I noticed you were with a man
who some of the hotel staff

says is well known, and a big part
of marketing is celebrity placement.

If I could get some photos of
him with some of our pieces,

I can almost guarantee that
we can carry your line

in this location for a season,

see how it goes.

That is a lovely offer.

And this is a lovely dinner.

Waiter!

At least I don't follow
around real talent

like some sort of TV afterbirth.

- Oh, that's what I should have said.
- HANNA: Waiter?

I'm just gonna have
to excuse myself.

Hanna, are you okay?

You know what'? You too
can jerk each other off.

My arms are tired.

I'll just say I'm not
opposed to the idea.

Are you upsetting my wife?

That was not my intention.

- Mister...
- homer Simpson.

Funny.

Marge never mentioned
she was married.

- Sir, will you be paying?
- Yes.

Although I'm not sure what for.

(KNOCKING)

Hanna? Honey? What's going on?

Done. Can't do this
anymore, trace.

You're clearly not
ready to have a child.

Honey, I've been doing
so well lately.

Yeah?

I'm not.

But Hanna, you kept the child. I
thought you wanted to make this work.

I kept the baby because the
jerkoffs at the doctor's office

were playing movie
"Juno" on a loop.

You know what? I'm
sitting there,

and it occurs to me that
I have options here.

I can have this baby,
but I don't have to...

I mean, I can do it...
I can do it without...

Without me?

Hanna?

I can't believe that you
would even say that,

or think that.

It's not always
about you, trace.

I haven't felt like
myself in months.

Exactly'. Don't take this
hormone imbalance out on me'.!

Do not patronize me like that.
It's not the hormones.

- Okay.
- It's you.

- Okay.
- I don't like how I feel around you.

- Okay.
- This isn't me.

This isn't me. This
isn't who I am.

I'm not this negative person.

I can't control how you feel.

You know what, you do. And I
don't need that in my life.

I never needed anyone in my
life, and I can do this alone.

Like your mother?

Do you think that she was
happy raising you on her own?

She found her happiness.

Maybe... maybe it took her
three husbands, but so what?

- So what.
- Don't talk about my mother.

Okay? My mother's
freakin' awesome.

Okay.

You want me gone? Fine.

You don't need to get upset.

Your grandmother's
an amazing woman.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Senor.

Oh, hey, from the hotel.

Yeah, well, not anymore.

After the missus called

they thought I did
something unseemly

- and fire me.
- No.

- It's okay.
- Oh.

I... I'm... I'm sorry.

She's not herself right now.

She's, you know, she's pregnant.

She's got these hormones and...

Oh, she's not herself.
I'm sorry.

Maybe she's showing you
who she really is.

Yeah, maybe.

Let me show you what
you've been missing

cooped up in that hotel room.

'Hmm? 'I! Uh.

I... I... I... I
probably shouldn't.

As is I, I've never given
a big-time celebrity

our special VIP tour.

I wouldn't call it
big-time celebrity.

I think so.

Are you...

Señora Mcevans, is
everything okay?

Murder is illegal in
this country, right?

Claro Que Si.

- Yes.
- Okay, when the Police ask,

you never saw me leave my room.

- I saw nothing.
- Nothing.

Nothing. Who are we gonna kill?

- (SHOES SCREECH)
- Where can I buy a bat.

- You guys have baseball here, right?
- Uh, no, Señora.

- (SIGHS)
- uh, Señora.

It is very dangerous for
you out here alone.

Then come with me.

We're gonna catch that son
of a bitch in the act

and take him for every penny

that one damn song pays him.

Okay.

I will help you.

You're cutting off the
circulation in your hands.

Do you mind? I'm just...

- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.

Hi.

Ah, whoo, can't do that.

- I can't...
- Do what?

Ah, ha-ha. I, uh, I...
I... I love my wife.

And, um...

If I don't consider her

in all parts of my life,
I'm..., I'm-—, she's gone.

And, um, yeah, and...
and this is, uh...

(NERVOUS LAUGH)

This is all kinds of
inconsiderate to her, so...

I don't think she sees you
the way that I see you.

When I look at you, I see
an a-list celebrity.

Whoo. Yeah, well, you know,

sadly the rest of the world

doesn't see me that way.

They all think I'm a
complete failure.

- Failure?
- Yeah.

But, you know, maybe that,
that's what good couples do.

They, uh, they, they're
honest about their failures.

You know, they're...

They don't sugarcoat
their bowel movements,

and, um, I shouldn't even,

not even, uh, be here.

- Yeah.
- You are here.

Yeah, and, I, uh, I...
I should go.

I know that it's... it's a...
It's a thrill, right,

to be around a
big-time celebrity.

But, uh, you got a lot
going for you, kid.

You're... you're... you're...
Well, you are whip-smart,

and you got, you
know, hypnotic eyes

- and...
- yeah?

Intoxicating skin and...
and you just...

I can't, I can't, uh...

Whoo! Can't do it.

And, and I'm, I'm really
sorry about all this.

- Me, too.
- What?

(SCREAMING)

You think we should dust
keep heading this way?

Yes, Si. Cueva Del
Amor is this way.

Uh, many people go there to, um,

they can go there to hug.

Yep. Got it.

Oh, look.

Got you now, you
cheating sou of a...

- Okay, okay.
- Ahh.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Is this like part
of the hotel or...

No, no, no, no. (SPEAKS SPANISH)

Don't try to take him
to the site now.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

Hey, hey, no, no, no Policia.

Listen, I'll give
you Dinero, yeah?

Dinero and no Policia.
Don't go to the Police.

- Okay.
- Yeah?

- Dinero, huh?
- And no Police.

You think I'm afraid of the Police?
No, no, no, no.

The Police are afraid of me.

Huh.

Oh, okay, yeah, hey. But
we can stop at an ATM,

and I'll give you lots of money.

ATM. We gonna take you to more
than one little ATM visit.

Someone is going to pay
big money for you.

Why? Hey, I'm a nobody.

You think...

You're, you're a no...

You act like a big
somebody at the hotel.

You talk to everybody like,
like you're a big shot.

Yeah, yeah, I'm American.

(CHUCKLES) almost, pretty boy.

Never without a clue, huh?

- (ENGINE STARTS)
- Trace.

What have you gotten
yourself into this time?

We must follow.

They'll keep moving him and
marching him around the jungle.

If we lose them,

we'll never be able to find him.

What do you mean, never
be able to find them?

- Follow me.
- But...

But they have jeeps, vehicles.

They have to go
around with him...

(GROANS)

But we can go through it.

See, all we have to do
is stay close enough

- to see where they go.
- Uh, yeah,

I don't know Spanish very
well, but that says,

that... that's red,

- that's not good.
- It's fine.

- Just step very softly.
- Hah, yeah.

I haven't been able to
do that for two months.

There has to be
another way down.

So just take me to a car

and we'll... We'll
go to the Police.

Look, I'll see if we can
get any signal here.

This way or we'll lose them.

Hold on. Maybe I'm...

Oh, sh... Dammit.

That's okay, I wasn't
getting any signal anyway.

Come on. You can do it.

Yeah, I can't do it.

I'm... I can't do it.
I'm really sorry.

Come on. I can see their
headlights disappear.

Okay, okay, I can do this.

Can't you see? Go faster.

Come on!

HANNA: Okay, it's all you, Hanna.
It's all you.

Dammit. Dammit, I can't do this.

This is, no, no Pellegrino.

No Pellegrino.

- Oh!
- You just need a hand.

Let's get some help.

What is this place?

Used to be a sugar mill.

It's safer if we stay
here until sunrise.

Oh. What is that?

Oh, it's okay.

It's just a three-toed
tree sloth.

It's not dangerous.

Hi.

Oh, he's just so cute.

(LAUGHS) he likes you.

He is just a drivers license
away from replacing my husband.

Please, please, please, please.

Oh.

Who would've thought
sitting on a pile of rocks

- could be this comfortable?
- (LAUGHS)

This is much better.

Very dangerous in
the open jungle.

Drunk hombres, big cats,

little mean cats.

Okay, so where do
we go from here?

We have to find the sheriff.

Why don't we just go to the Police
station or office or something?

Well, it doesn't
really work like that.

Um, he's either one
of two places...

At the bar or at home sleeping.

Well, that's inspiring.

Oh, it's sort of his way

of protesting the crap laws
they make him enforce.

Uh, he's a very smart guy.

Okay, so where is this bar?

We should get some
people to take us.

All right, let's not
waste any time.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wrong people.

It's okay, just go.

I'm giving her a tour.

- Mmm.
- All right? Let us through...

And I'll give you
two cases of beer.

That's the price for locals.

But for her...

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
For the Gringa...

It's more for her.

Much more.

Don't make me tell
your boss, okay?

We all know what happens

when something happens
to a Gringo, hmm?

Police, army, journalists.

Journalists? Diablo.

Journalists.

You know what I think?

I think you're trying
to steal from her

and keep it to yourself.

Ooh, you sneaky shit.

You don't think I
see through you?

Hey. Look, we're just trying
to get back to the hotel.

Please.

- (CAR HORN HONKS)
- Good day, Señorita.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Trust me.

(MOTORBIKE ENGINE ROARS)

Dale, Dale, Dale!

(MOTORBIKE ENGINES ROAR)

You know what you're
doing on this?

I think so.

Oh my...

Oh!

Hey, look out.

- What are they doing?
- Okay.

Look, I'm pregnant
here, come on!

Oh, my god!

Oh. Hey!

Hey!

Seriously. Don't touch me.

Oh.

What the hell are they doing?

God.

- We have these...
- No, no, no, no.

Okay. Pretty boy.

I don't have pretty boy
feelings right now.

(ENGINE ROARS)

BOTH: Ah!

(EXCLAIMING)

- What?
- Told ya.

Totally chicken ed out.

Oh, no.

I go the other way.

Hold on tight, I'm gonna
give you some room.

(FIRES SHOTGUN)

Ha!

You want to come and die?

Come on!

- Where are we?
- You're safe here.

That is the toughest man
I've seen in my whole life.

He's the sheriff.

And he's my dad.

Wait, what?

(CROWING)

Okay, hey, guys?

I'd be happy to go along with
an on-camera appearance, yeah?

I mean, just... if you can
guarantee my wife's safety.

And hey, you know, if you
guys wanna go for fierce,

right? You should probably
move that... light

and you just move it
over there and you...

You get all... couple
shadows coming through.

- Ah!

Gracias.

Ow! Watch it!

- Por favor.
- She's fine.

Can you see my eyes?

- Uh-huh.
- People tell me I have good eyes.

- God, help us.
- Huh?

- This is our leader.
- What did you say?

- Nada. (SPEAKS SPANISH)
- The eyes... Okay?

It's not easy to strike fear

into the hardened western world.

For breakfast they watch
a Tsunami footage.

War coverage.

- And food network, (SPEAKS SPANISH)
- Gordon Ramsey on TiVo.

- Yeah, yeah. We have to, -
but they think he's funny,

- he's terrifying.
- It's a good location,

let's go, action.

- Action.
- Okay, okay.

For decades our
people have endured

the abuse of the upper class.

(SOBBING)

Okay, cut. Cut, cut.

Que Paso?

What is that sound?

Que Pasa now?

Did mio, por favor.

Why are you crying in the
middle of my valuable time?

- (SPEAKS SPANISH)
- Que?

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

It was an accident,
I'm so sorry.

I've been wanting to go,

I would do anything
to protect...

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

- Okay, it's...
- (SPEAKS SPANISH)

You're fine. Tell
him you're fine.

- Okay? Please.
- I'm fine.

Look. It's okay. Okay?

We have to move.

Time for one more and then
we have to move, okay?

- Okay.
- You go.

Do you have any emotional
issues before I start my...

I have some abandonment
issues with my father.

But I'm okay right now.

- Al-|!

(SOBS)

- Okay, it's a little too much, okay?
- Let's go. A...

Action!

Okay. For decades...

Our people have endured...

The abuse...

Of the upper class, okay?

You come to us looking
like Brad Pitt?

We send him back looking
like Oliver twist!

We are a people.

You don't tell me to...

I'm... I'm in the middle
of my live time, okay?

- Stick to the script!
- We are not Animales, okay?

We are Human Bayings...

Human beings!

Thank you, I don't need your
corrections right now, okay?

- I took two years of English.
- That is Perf...

- Two years of English.
- No, you're doing okay.

- You're doing good.
- You're correcting me again.

- No, it looks great.
- Start again! Start again.

If you could please...
Look at the camera, okay?

Look intimidating.

Okay.

I'm so stressed.

(DISTANT THUNDER)

And so then she told me to
take her to the cave of love

and then, I saw Yesenia.

Yesenia.

Sounds like we have a
kidnapping on our hands.

Yeah, well, I think you
have to not wanna be there

for it to be a kidnapping, no?

Well, Yesenia works
with the leader

of a very, very dangerous
group of rebels,

who have been taking
high-value marks

for lucrative ransom trades.

Serves him right.

All due respect, Señora.

It does not sound like
you want my help.

I don't know what to no, I mean,

do they... Do they want money?

'Cause we don't have much,

just... just enough from one
song royalty to live comfortably

and I mean all the reality money
went to keeping up appearances

and this... really fun vacation.

Well, they...

They will demand it from
anyone they think can pay.

Well, so they're not
gonna hurt him, right?

Oh, no. No.

They're gonna hurt
him very much.

If... if he cannot
get the money,

if he slows them down too
much, they will have to...

So that the government
troops will not catch them.

So what can we do?

There's nothing we can do.

We have to wait for their offer.

No, you don't understand.
This is trace.

He doesn't even know
how to dress himself.

Look, your son said that... that
maybe if we stay on their trail

that there's a good chance
that we could find them.

Yeah, we got to
get the bad guys.

It's... it's...

It sounds like trying to,

to catch a chicken
with garden wire.

(DISTANT THUNDER)

It is difficult to do.

Look,

I know that I can...

I can do this on my own, okay?

But...

I'd really rather
not have his father

cut up into a million
pieces all over the Amazon.

Fine. Okay.

Make sure that the fort
is locked down tight,

and get all calls
to me on the radio.

We've have endured the
abuse for way too long.

You take our roses,

you take our bananas...

- You have oil spills...
- Yes, the senator

will be at the bush
family ART gallery,

opening on the i8th.
Okay, thank you so much,

we'll see you there.

- Shannon.
- Oh, great. Yes, thank you so much.

The senator will absolutely be at
the Koch brothers family picnic.

- Shannon.
- Yes, we are so looking forward to it, okay.

Shannon. Shannon!

We will see you there,
thank you so much.

- Shannon!
- Mm?

Why do I care about this again?

Uh, because it was on the web

and a link was also
sent directly to you

- from a server in Cartegentina.
- So what?

Yes, I'm Cartegentinean,

but that does not make
me a senator there.

No, I know.

They also have, um, trace
Mcevans as a hostage.

So that's exciting. You
could sign right here.

It's for the elephants.

Should I know who that is?

I mean, it sounds
familiar, but...

Is he important?

You would have to
define "important."

So every two seconds an
elephant is brutally murdered.

Look, Shannon. I am
an important person,

my friends are important people.

There goes one.

Maybe Bieber knows him.

I'm going to tweet
him a pm, yes.

All right, we'll just let
these elephants die.

(ENGINE ROARING)

- Como Esta?
- Okay, um...

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

You ready, big boy?

Let's go.

Go down. All the way down.

(ALL TALKING AT ONCE)

Vamos, vamos, vamos.

- Down here?
- Yes, down there.

Wh... what about my wife?

She should be fine.

Likely reaching out
to the embassy,

who have the video from our U.S.
Government contacts.

Play your cards right,

and these could be a
real publicity boost.

- (SWISH)
- oh! Hey!

Why?

Because you can help
unload the Jeep.

And we know this jungle
like the back of our hand.

Trust me, there are
things out there

that will do ten times
worse what we can.

The rules here are easy.

We're gonna travel randomly
through the jungle to the north.

You run, you're dead.

You slow us down, you're dead.

You get us caught
by the government?

Dead for sure.

Hey, um... what is the
situation where I get to see

my future ex-wife and estranged
child during visitation hours?

You keep up, shut up and
your people pay on time,

you're gonna be okay.

It's like I said, I'm giving
you the special V.I.P. Tour,

where you are responsible
for your own life.

You break the rules,

you are responsible
for your own death.

Oh, keep up.

I... I don't know the first
thing about jungle survival...

Cartegentina jungle
survival tip number one.

Shelter. Ham mock.

While it's still light,
set it up, head heights,

with about three meters
between two trees.

Staying off the ground will
keep you from getting bitten

by most dangerous things, hmm?

Hey, you really know
what you're doing, huh?

Yo, why aren't you
running this joint?

(MEN SPEAKING SPANISH)

Big guy's crying again?

- (SPEAKING SPANISH) Okay?
- He's fine.

He's a trained killer.

He's gonna have a baby.

That man is gonna be a father.

Wow, we're going really slow.

Sometimes you need to go slow

to be able to see through.

To see through.

Okay.

To see through.

So, we are... we are up in this section
and I'm right about that, correct?

It's easier for me
to like, figure out,

you know, like, some sort of
plan, like, a route or...

Oh, we're, we're
picking them up?

And we're stopping.

- So?
- Donde Esta Tu Madre?

BOTH: No Sabemos.

- (MAN SPEAKING SPANISH) -
(CHILDREN SPEAKING SPANISH)

Oh, yeah, let's put that down.

Let's put that down.

- Okay.
- Yeah...

It's dangerous.

It's like a toy to them.

Okay...

This is a jacket.

What?

Yeah.

(GROANS)

Is something wrong
with this hammock?

Com e...

Hand loop, over under.
Siberian knot!

Let's kill him.

No, we're not gonna kill him.

He... what did I just say?

He is worth a lot of money.

Please don't get impulsive.

Please don't get impulsive,

remember what
happened last time?

We're not gonna do that again.

"Hand loop, over under.

Siberian loop each side.

I'm the queen of the jungle."

YESENIA: Please calm down,
that's not fair, you always...

MAN: That's not fair? What
are you talking about?

Always it goes back to that.
Keep your voice down.

Okay, I will handle
your boyfriend.

Would you calm down?

Get it together, seriously.
I'm sick of it.

Good Siberian knot.

Yeah, you know, I
just did the old...

Hand loop over under and...

What's next?

At your rate of exertion, you're
gonna need some water soon.

(GRUNTS) thank god.

My tongue is like a
salty cotton ball.

Uh, do us all a favor and
don't drink the river water.

There are worms that
will grow in your body,

crawl out through your skin.

Pretty bad for your movie
star complexion, no?

(SPITS)

What am I supposed to do?

No Patience?

This is also typical American?

No. I'm an exceptional screw up.

Survival tip number two, water.

You got the source right, but if
there's bacteria in the water,

what must you do?

- Boil it.
- Yeah.

After you start the fire,
boil the water, let it cool,

then you can drink.

You know, this has to
be some sort of like,

Geneva violation, just to...
you know...

Welcome to life
outside the bubble.

Yeah, well, I was very happy
with life inside the bubble,

thank you very much.

Were you?

Wh...

From the recording studio
to the white house,

Justin Bieberton gets political.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Let's have a look.

Uh, whatever dude.
It's like um...

I don't know, they're
just like...

So out of touch, you know?

Maybe we just need a like,

changing of the guard or
somethin' in today's politics?

I don't know why my
daughter loves him so much.

Okay. Anyways,

so Justin shared a tweet
from senator ray Lopez.

Hey, Biebs.

You know this fool
trace Mcevans?

Kid got geeked up with some
bad guys in south America,

frowny face.

Who taught him how to text?

I mean, let's be honest.
If I was vice president,

we'd get some stuff done
around here, right?

We'd make it way better for
all the ladies out there.

You feel me, girl.

- You got senator Lopez...
- Hey, nobody calls me Biebs!

- Except you, girl.
- All right guys, come on.

That's enough, that's enough.

So Justin continued to
share on his social media.

"Look, this guy is
sending me tweets

instead of doing anything to
help this old rocker dude.

What else isn't he doing?

# seriouspolitical

# youfeelmegirl."

Great question, though.
What is our senator doing?

Okay.

You wanna play like that, Biebs?

All right.

You now have one less follower.

70 million minus one.

Bam.

One big one.

No one messes with ray Lopez.

Oh, god.

What have I done?

Hey, Shannon!

Adios.

Okay. So, now we can get
back to business here.

Um...

Okay, so I'll just stay here...

While my husband's
in the jungle.

Well?

Mm...

Nothing quite quenches
your thirst like a nice

hot cup of water, you know?

Little bit of grit.

We are far from the worst
kidnappers in this country.

One group forgot to
feed their captive.

He starved to death halfway.

(CHOKES)

That's why we allow our new
guests on a special tour

to take control over
their own survival.

Yes, but the problem is,

is that you've never met somebody as
completely self-destructive as I am.

Shit, forget surviving
in the jungle,

I can barely survive
in a Westside Condo,

eating frozen gluten-free pizza

and drinking grass-fed
milk, okay?

Which I forget to buy
most of the time.

All right? Without someone
to literally buy it for me,

I would die.

What business do I have bringing
a child into this world?

I'm not even a fully
functional human being.

(LAUGHTER)

Problemas de Gente Blanca.

(LAUGHTER)

You're not going to find
much sympathy here.

Problemas de Gringos.

First world problems, ah?

What is gluten-free?

Huh?

Juan, that's enough.

What? It... it...

Did everyone go to
the farmer's market

- without me and my...
- It's in the trees.

Here.

Am I this unthreatening?

Am I... am I this
unthreatening to you guys

that you just... you don't
care that I have a knife?

Yesenia?

Yes, Juan.

He's quick.

Ah, Yesenia.

- Yes, Juan.
- Not so quick.

Go get my fruit.

(CLINKING)

(LAUGHTER)

Not so quick.

(LAUGHTER)

- Hola.
- Hola... again.

Okay, great. So we're
all back in the car.

All right, so I got...
I've had some time

to think about a little
plan of action here.

And I think I've come
up with something so...

If we can just calculate
the miles per hour

that they are
ostensibly traveling,

then we can come up
with a radius here.

We have a plan and
so it's just...

Traffic.

"0, no, no, no!

Seriously, come on.

Look. I was under the impression
that you were trying to help me.

I will help you on
my terms, okay?

In my way.

You are not the only
person in the planet.

Okay, but it just seems like

maybe if we come up with
some sort of plan here,

like, that involved actually
looking for my husband,

rather than picking up small
children on the side of the street,

then maybe we'll
actually find him!

Have belief.

Yeah? Mm-hmm.

- Comprende?
- Si.

Well, other than the kidnapping,

how do you like my country?

Are you serious?

When this is all over,
you should come back.

Yeah? Oh, we will. I'm sure.

- We have the beautiful beaches,
- we'll book our next trip,

- we have...
- Right? Right away.

Every last rebel that
gets in the way,

- one to the head.
- Yes, sir.

We'll retrieve the hostage,
no matter what it takes, sir.

Yes, yes. Get the guy.

But...

- On the DL.
- Sir?

Just do it, but on the...
On the down low.

That is exactly what we do, sir.

Well-documented. Somalia...

Tunisia.

Bin laden.

Props.

Not that anyone should be proud
of taking a human life, sir.

- No.
- And those are...

Classified operations.

That's what I'm talking about.

DL... on the dirty.

- Yes, sir.
- Okay, homie.

Keep me posted on Skype.

Yo. Bring it in.

- (CHILD SPEAKING SPANISH)
- What are we Donig here?

I thought if we waited too long,
and he'd get too far ahead and...

Shh...

(BOTH SPEAKING SPANISH)

What's wrong with him?

Um, I'm not a doctor.

They have been trying
various drugs,

but technically speaking,

they say that she has a
virus caused by the devil.

The devil?

Uh, yes. Belief is
something very powerful

in this country, Señora.

No, no.

Hi.

Señora, no. No. The devil germs.

It's okay.

♪ Bah, bah, little sheep ♪

♪ have you any wool ♪

♪ yes, Ma'am, yes Ma'am ♪

♪ three needles full ♪

♪ one to mend a jumper ♪

♪ and one to mend a frock ♪

♪ and one for the little girl
with holes in her socks ♪

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

♪ Bah, bah, little sheep ♪

♪ are you positive
this is a virus? ♪

♪ Si, Señora, Si, Señora ♪

♪ Ella habla locuras and
no puede comer... much ♪

♪ and when she eats, she
vomits it all out ♪

♪ and she's very weak, and
of this there is no doubt ♪

♪ crazy, but has anyone tried
not feeding her wheat? ♪

♪ I know a gluten allergy
sounds like something ♪

♪ you can only get
in Los Angeles ♪

♪ but I saw trace go through
this with celiac's disease ♪

♪ which prevents him
from digesting ♪

♪ normal nutrients and causes
a violently upset stomach ♪

♪ and acting out irrationally ♪

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

♪ Bah, bah, black sheep ♪

♪ have you any wool? ♪

♪ Si Señora, Si Señora ♪

(SINGING IN SPANISH)

There's no way that
guy could catch me.

(GUNSHOT)

- Gringo!
- Ooh.

- Fruit Aqui.
- Si...

Don't make me sad,
don't make me sad!

No.

You go past those rocks
and I shoot you.

- These?
- I'll shoot you!

I don't wanna make you sad.

I like you happy.

Happy man child.

- Happy!
- Si.

This guy's a bloody marksman.

(HUMMING)

Oh! Don't do this.

Hey, guy, I like
nature documentaries!

I told you, Gringo!

Gringo, what did you do?

I've killed.

We're eating well tonight, boys.

I got jungle blood on my hands.

I'm one of you guys now.

You're Stupido.

What?

Some kind of poisonous alligator
species or something?

No, no.

You just alerted them
to our location.

The Police?

No, I didn't use a
gun, I used a knife.

Not the Police. Worse.

Greenpeas.

Greenpeas?

(BEEPS)

(GRUNTS)

Christian, no one gives a shit

about our kickstarter to
fund the fungus farm.

They don't want the
truth out there

we could feed the world.

What is that?

(MUFFLED SPEAKING)

Are those spider monkeys
humping across species again?

No, like a whole alligator
just went off the grid.

Vitals escalated and
then bang, like, gone.

Poachers.

Poachers!

Poachers of the jungle!

The authorities
are on their way.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(CONTINUES SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

Oh, Pinche Greenpeas!

Vamos.

(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

BOYS: Papa, we got
to put them in...

- Gracias, Diago.
- DIAGO: Enough to even feed them!

- BOY: Not even cornbread.
- Yes, we... we will catch the bad guys.

BOY: Like the lowest
of the lowest bread.

- Anything?
- Uh, we shall see.

I told you that belief is
very important in my country.

You show them that you have
kindness in your heart,

and for that they would
like to help you.

See, in the jungle, it is
better to have i00 eyes,

than just four.

So that's what you were doing
with all this driving around?

Finding ways to help
people to rally them?

Yes, when I was young,

I thought that I could
do it by myself.

I was the toughest,
because I was,

and because I could.

But in the jungle,
no, no, no, no, no.

You need the people, gente??

That is the only
way to do it here.

Unlike you Americanos, we believe
that we still need each other.

Not true.

I mean, I design jewelry,

but I don't make
each piece myself,

and I didn't create Etsy.

I don't deliver to each
person's doorstep,

but, I mean, we all
need other people

no matter how independent
we think we are.

(LAUGHS) independent, yeah.

The independence you
speak of, yeah,

it sounds more like isolation.

We all need the people in
the village of our heart.

The people in the
village of your heart,

that's a nice way of seeing it.

Cartegentina is a tough life.

We are the best at nice.
Wait and see.

WOMAN: The tracker says
they're right here.

- That's them!
- (SIRENS)

We got these bitches.

Attention, poachers.

Authorities are en route.

(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)

Oh, that was record timing.

Poachers!

We are representatives
of Greenpeas.

We mean you no harm.

Back's empty.

(GROANS) so is the bottom.

And I'm not seeing any
sign of the gator.

Where is the gator, sir?

I don't know, maybe the SW amp,
you can find it in a swamp.

You already turn him into a handbag, huh?
Huh, you piece of shit?

There have to be more of you.
Where are they?

Where are your amigos?

I'm just here all by myself.

- Can you pop the hood?
- Pop the hood!

So help me, we will lay in
front of this car so fast.

You're gonna see how
Greenpeas does it.

You're about to get peas'd, son.

- I'll go.
- Okay, right here.

Wait, what if he
goes into reverse?

Do you think you were
gonna reverse, bitch? Ha!

Nice.

We think of everything!

Whew!

This was a good idea.

Who thought of this?

A good leader can
recognize a good idea.

- Yesenia?
- Yes, Juan.

This your idea.

It was a good one.

Vamos.

- (SIGHS)
- let's go, guys.

We carry it around the rocks to
the other side of the river.

Was that so hard?

Fearless leader, huh?

Maybe my ideas are not so bad?

Okay, okay, you're a
good insurgent member.

Thank you.

Now, what do you think
about my plan B

for the Gringo now, huh?

Uh, your call.

It just makes sense.

Poor Gringo baby.

I know, baby grande.

Trace?

Yeah? Gringo baby daddy here.

Concerned about his future.

You know, we are not
here to hurt you.

That's great news. How
do we keep it that way?

Ransoms can take months
before they get to us.

Whoa, months?

The money doesn't go to us.
Money goes to the revolution.

- La Revolucion!
- Revolution?

As a compromise to get
you back to your family,

we want to take you to see
some of the evidence.

Mass graves, chemical
weapons, illegal trafficking,

real first world shit.

No kidding. Congratulations.

That's pretty good for
such a tiny country.

These are some of the atrocities
our government is guilty of.

We want you to go back to the
American people on television

and tell them about us.

Getting on TV to say
something important,

that's, like, even
harder than what I do.

If you can promise this, we will
take you north to the border

and free you to our neighboring
country's embassy in just a few days.

Easy.

I can try.

No, I need you to swear it.

Okay, I swear.

- Yesenia?
- Yes, Juan?

That sounds like a weak promise.

Cartegentina jungle
survival tip number three,

never break a promise.

I swear to show the atrocities.

- Okay, okay.
- Yesenia?

Yes, Juan?

I don't know about
this idea anymore.

Si.

Let it be, please.

Let's... we're gonna play it out

play out. What is play out?

- Just go...
- What is play out?

Are you with me?

- No.
- No?

- I'm not with you.
- Are you serious?

- I'm not with you.
- Surprise, surprise.

Okay, Vamanos! Back in the boat.

Atras, atras, back, back.

Go a little slower then??
Faster.

Then??, faster, slower.

So, guys, are you going to
give me a ticket or something?

A ticket? For the Nefarious
murder of a Caiman Crocodilus?

Who's the cold-blooded one now?

Heh, heh, nice.

Get it, cold-blooded?

(GUNSHOTS)

Stop, don't move.

Watch it man! Those are very
endangered arrow carrier trees.

If you're trying to
shoot him, here.

What? Girls can't shoot
where you're from?

- Boom! Who's the Tranq Queen?
- Don't move, don't.

She's a good shot
with a tranquilizer.

Yeah, well I meant to Miss him so
he'd lead us back to his camp.

Looking for this gentleman,
have you seen him?

You're looking for
Ryan Seacrest?

Is that a yes or a no?

We haven't really seen
humans, in a while.

You know, especially tall,
sexy, handsome ones.

So yeah, no, we
haven't seen him.

Well if you do, there's
a significant reward

for anyone helping to
obtain the subject.

As in money?

For like, whatever we want?

Typically that's how it works.

We don't give out gift cards.

What about you? What
do you give out?

Do you want your phone?

Nice to meet you.

Boop.

(SNORING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

You should have listened to me.

You, I told you
to paddle faster.

You, I said slower.
Pero Nunca Me Escuchas.

I told you to look
out for that branch.

Hey, you okay?

Si, mama.

I'll just take a nap.

Oh, no, nope, nope.
Sit up, okay.

You could have run away.

You're a good mama.

Yeah, I don't know how to be much
more than a good looking guy,

but I did take an extensive first aid class
when I found out Hannah was pregnant

and it suggests you stay active and
alert when you get a concussion.

- There you go.
- Mama, you make the best spaghetti.

Oh, geez.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

My god, you guys are
making me lose my shit.

Bueno, bueno, bueno. Tell
your Madri'e I say hello.

Did they find him?

I think the jungle
may have found him.

That's him?

One Gringo marching with
a group of armed rebels?

Yes, I would say that is him.

Who the heck is that?

That could be trouble.

And there's no way to get around
the mountain before they do.

Well, I mean, is there
another way down?

Come, come, come.

Follow where the yellow crested
blackbirds are flying away from.

Got it.

Come on, guys, we've
all made mistakes.

I mean, I've made mistakes.

My wife, she wants
to divorce me.

You've gotta do something
to make it better.

Like move ahead and
make amends, right?

You sound exactly like
our current government.

Saying all these things, excuses,
promises that don't mean anything

because you're not giving us the one
thing we need to make us happy.

No more political murders?

Oh please, the
country has those.

I'm talking about choice.

You know, you can't control her to
do exactly what you want her to do.

Control her? Please, it's
not like I'm holding a gun

to her head and
being a dictator.

Yeah, Presidente Apendejo
definitely said that.

You know, your head, you're
so far into the future.

Worrying, worrying about
your place inside that...

You've never been present
enough for her to be heard.

- Oh, she just can't ignore...
- Let alone make a decision on her own.

- The wicked barbarity of the past.
- But that's the point.

Give her the choice
in the present.

And then, I don't know,
maybe support her?

At least she made the choice.

And usually, however... however
begrudgingly, we have to rationalize

and, you know, even
if the situation

is clearly worse.

Clearly, worse.

At least we are happier to have had
the freedom to make the choice.

Isn't that what we're
fighting for here?

Isn't it?

It's not about promises
for the future,

it's about working
hard in the present

to make the future that we want.

That's worth all this.

All this, come Se dice... shit!

Exact o.

I guess that's the first step.

Vamos.

No, just...

Even I am afraid of this one.

I don't know who
maintains it anymore.

Dammit, what kind of
Babymoon is this?

I mean, all I wanted was
one of those nice relaxing

couples' beach massages

with those cute little... Those
stones, those hot stones,

and then those cup
things that leave

those really horrible
marks on your back.

Is that too much to ask for?

Your call.

Thanks.

Like this is gonna save my life.

I can't do this. Let's
just call for back up.

Diago.

Hey papa, did we get those guys?

No, no, not yet.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Diago. (CRACKLING)

Wow, he sure loves justice.

Yes. His mother was killed
in criminal violence.

As proud as I am of the
man he's becoming,

as tough as I am,

the loss of a
parent is a sadness

that I cannot replace.

Diago?

Oy, Diago?

Diago?

We need to move to the other
side of the mountain.

HANNA: Let's do this.

(SCREAMS)

Oh, my god!

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SIRENS)

Mira.

They found us.

Into the jungle!

Spread out! You, stay here.

Who is it?

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

This could jeopardize
the entire movement.

Señora, kill the Gringo.

Stop.

- Trace.
- Han Na, stay back.

- Stay back.
- I brought help.

- Baby.
- You brought the government?

Yes, you're surrounded.
Let him go.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

- Don't do this.
- Hey, hey we had a promise, remember?

Rule number three, you
never break that.

They're going to take
you away, trace.

No one will know
what happened here.

Maybe like this, someone
will come and investigate.

You're right, you're right.

Okay, this can be
solved with my death,

or... or it can be
solved with your choice.

Remember your choice?

Yeah, you've got a choice
right now, you can choose.

You don't, I will.

- Whoa.
- All of you.

- Hey, hey.
- All of you.

- Juan!
- Yesenia.

- Juan - Yesenia.

- Juan - Yesenia.

All the guns are pointed at me!

Okay, okay.

- Told you, son, we know every leaf of this jungle.
- So we got it, right?

- The reward money for finding him?
- Don't have him yet.

They don't call me
the Tranq queen

because of my raging
barbiturates problem.

(GUNSHOT)

Hey! Hey!

Yesenia, just run.

Vete!

Help! My wife has been shot!

Dammit! I never Miss.

I meant to shoot
her in the chest.

- Que?
- Whoa!

Have a Bowl of Quinoa
and chill out, dude.

It's just a tranquilizer.

It's a 100% organic tranquilizer.
You're good.

Whoa, I'm dizzy, but I'm okay.
I'm okay.

Embrace it, all right? You'll
have a really nice nap.

You'll be a awake
in, like, two days?

Two days, tops.

No, these are not for humans.

At her body weight and condition, the
lowered heart rate can kill them both.

Both? He's okay.

They usually don't kill.

Most people.

She's pregnant.

Oh, come on!

Yes, sir, we have visual.
Extraction is imminent.

Hey! Hey!

Trace, that is a U.S.
Special Forces MH6.

They're not going to help. They're
orders are going to be to take you

across the border
to the consulate.

That may be too
much time for her.

Hey, listen, listen,
the best thing to do

is to get her to the village
down the road to stabilize her.

I know exactly where
the doctor is.

Okay, okay, Hanna, baby.

- Honey, did you hear that?
- Hi.

- Hey. Hey baby.
- Hi.

What do you want to do?

You've got the choice, okay?

I'll stay with them.

Stay with them? Okay,
you stay with them.

We'll stay, we'll stay.

Uh, actually there's a reward,
so we're gonna have to...

No, they're right. If you stay with
us they're going to hunt us down.

Go with them. Go with them.

Okay, I'll go, okay?

Hanna, honey, you're
going to be okay.

- Okay.
- You're gonna be okay by yourself.

You're always okay by yourself.

But I need... The village...
people.

Okay, baby, I know
what you mean.

I'll be your macho man, okay?

All right, okay, everybody,
everybody hide. All right?

Thank you.

Hey, trace, rule number three.

Hey!

Trace?

No.

Am I dead?

No, you'll be fantastic.

Both of you.

Good.

He's not going to be some sort
of adrenaline junkie now, is he?

(LAUGHING)

Good joke. Strong.

You see, Señora, never be afraid
to believe in good people.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

America will be
happy to see you.

America?

President back home, I've set up a
press conference at the embassy.

Great, Shannon,

I'm going to want you to
get every media outlet

we can get to be there at
this press conference.

- Congratulations.
- oh, thank you.

You know, see, I've been
polling kind of cold, lately.

- And this is the..
- Senator Lopez. Fantastic.

You're looking good. Thank you.
Oh, thank you.

Kind of cold and this is
going to be that one moment

I need to push us toward the
vice presidency slot next year.

- Great. I'm on it. I'm on it.
- I know you are.

Maybe you can pay me one day.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Any word from trace?

Uh, he made it to the consulate.

It will take him some
time to clear it all up

with the Burocracia,
but go, get some rest.

Tomorrow I will come and
take you to the airport

back to him.

Well, this has been
quite an adventure.

Thank you.

Bienvenida, Señora Mcevans.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Just so you know, I said
nothing to the Police.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

I have a little surprise
for you, right this way.

(RINGING)

She's not picking up.

Get through this.

Make a little speech.

I'll fly you back
in country myself.

Okay. Has someone
already styled you?

The hair, the tattered
clothes, you look fantastic.

Uh, thanks?

So, let's get to the nitty gritty and review
what you're going to say to the press.

Okay, well, I was supposed to tell the
world about the government atrocities,

but I never got a
chance to see them.

Well, we'll just embellish the fear
you felt during the abduction.

We want some real drama
before we get to the part

when you shake hands with the
congressman and then, boom'.!

State your confidence in the
current political regime.

I don't think that I'm in a
position to talk about these issues

much less issue a statement of
support for the current government.

Trace, the whole world is
focused on you right now.

I don't have to tell
you how rare that is

or how important
your words will be.

You're gonna be great.

Please accept a complimentary
couples' spa treatment.

Wow, I'm not saying that I
don't need this, but why?

I believe a guest of ours requested it
as an apology for a dinner gone wrong.

Oh, yeah. That was really nice
of him, but it's just me.

Even more of a
reason, girlfriend.

- Okay.
- Enjoy.

Thank you.

Is there anyone else you want
to call while we're waiting?

No, I don't know
anyone's numbers.

The only reason I know my wife's number
is because she made me memorize it.

You know, I just got kidnapped.

Uh, yeah, actually. I've got...
thanks.

I know, people have asked me,
"am I running? Am I going?"

I can't really answer that today
because that's not why we're here.

We are not here for ray Lopez,
possible vice presidential candidate.

That's not why we are here.

The world brings its full
attention to cartegentina.

And as a Cartegentinan-American,
I am proud to bridge the gap

between our two administrations,

and here on U.S. Embassy
soil please welcome home

my fellow countryman,
William trace Mcevans.

Where did this guy go?

Hello, everyone, hello.

I am producer fabrice Mancini.

Perhaps some of you...

Evidently not, I'm gonna be the
spokesman for trace Mcevans today.

Trace is taking some time privately
to prepare himself to meet the public

and discuss his
incredible ordeal.

I'm also here this morning to
announce Avery special new project

that we're working on together.

I have arranged a V.I.P. Tour
with the Cartegentian rebels.

They will take my documentary
film crew further into the jungle

than any crew, any crew,
has ever gone before.

And we will hear for the first
time, from the rebels themselves.

And as it turns out,
every once in a while

there are some things

that are worth fighting for.

Any questions?

Is everything okay?

It's beautiful.

It's just not perfect.

Trace?

No Ma'am, I'm just taking over.

Oh!

Took you long enough.

Why am I not surprised?

I certainly wasn't going to let you
experience this all by yourself.

If you allow me to
join you, of course.

What, for the massage,

or the pushing another human
being out of my body?

Both.

Thank you for making
this perfect.

TRACE: Best vacation
I've ever had, I'd say.

HANNA: So much so, that we
decided to make it a tradition

and come back for number two.

Yeah, why not every year.

Very French.

My gosh, sounds like you might not have
stayed together if you hadn't gotten away.

Getting away really gave
us some perspective.

It's true.

That's how that Oscar-nominated
documentary got made, right?

Oh yeah, did for that old government
what blackfish did for sea world.

And it gave fabrice Mancini his
first film of credibility.

- (PHONE RINGING)
- Oh, papa's getting a call.

- Hi.
- Come on, trace. Hook a brother up.

Get me some good press.

You're my press secretary.

On vacation.

I got you out of the goddamn jungle.
Remember that, okay?

- All right.
- Trace, I was just kidding.

Okay? Kidding, kidding.
Come on, man.

Okay, I'll do my best.

I have to go now and spend
time with my family.

Oh, that boy!

Okay. Bye.

What does he want?

To be Mardi Gras Grand Marshall?

Pretty close, actually.

These old folks make up
the craziest stories.

Madame senator.

For your visit.

Madame senator.

Enough with the senator stuff,
I'm just ahead in the polls

in what looks to be a fair
election, so a good first start.

Hi, papa.

One bit of business beforehand,

congressman Lopez, he wants to stand
next to you at the swearing in ceremony.

The guy, he's a bit of a ham,
but he likes the publicity,

what do you think?

Only on the grounds that
he support my initiatives

and I get a kiss from
that baby inside.

Deal.

- Baby grande, you look good.
- Thank you.

- Madame senator?
- Yes, deputy Juan?

This is the cutest
baby I have ever seen.

- Madame senator?
- Yes, Juan?

This is still the cutest
baby I have ever seen.

Si, yo Se.

Hey, have fun with
your adventures, guys.

Dude.

♪ We are the army of lovers ♪

♪ we pledge
allegiance to Venus ♪

Chia seed smoothies, I make a
good one if you want to come back

after you're done with
all this gun stuff.

Long trip, sailor.

So is that a no or a...?

- King of the Holes.
- (BLEEP)

Good one, baby.

You know what, I'm going to make
you my head of development,

because I've got something
developing right now.

♪ Sometimes you
lose the battle ♪

I mean what kind of
Babymoon is this?

This is not what they have
in those "sunset" magazines

with the big island men
that rub coconut oil

all over your back and is
that too much to ask for?

Is it?

Yes.

Forget surviving in the jungle. I can
barely survive in a Westside condo

- eating... eating like that.
- (BLEEP)

You bring us Brad Pitt? We
send you back Harry Potter.

We want retribution.
We want fair wages.

We want equality.

We want Hillary Clinton.
Why did I say that?

No, but you don't want
to be on the first floor

because the children make noise and
they throw stones at the windows.

If you're on the third floor you will
not hear the stones on the windows

because they can't
throw that high.

Massage chair or mass...
Because I think in the...

- There's a spa package.
- Yes.

- Masseuse coming to the room.
- There was an asterisk.

And if you go the bottom of the page it
says "please sit in the massage chair

before you come to a masseuse

because you will receive more
benefit if you are pre-massaged .“

♪ let it out ♪

♪ let the night ♪