Original subtitles

( jazz music playing on radio )

( music stops )

Man on tape: Hello, Alexander. It's Stuart.

HELLO, STUART.

( slurred ) I'm admitting I've had lots to drink now,

but I can't help reflect...

Man's voice: I'M ALEXANDER-- THE BLOKE IN THE GLASSES DRIVING.

NOT THE MUMBLY ONE ON THE TAPE. THAT'S STUART.

Stuart: ...believe me. They didn't care.

I GOT TO KNOW STUART IN 2000, AND DECIDED TO WRITE HIS BIOGRAPHY.

ALL OF MY FRIENDS SAID IT WAS MAD OF ME.

AFTER ALL, THIS MAN WAS UNKNOWN. HE WASN'T FAMOUS, NOT A CELEBRITY.

BUT THE BOOK TURNED OUT OKAY.

( Stuart continuing, slurred )

JUST WISH STUART COULD'VE BEEN HERE TO SEE IT.

( pop music playing )

I THINK IT WAS THE FIRST EVER BIOGRAPHY OF A HOMELESS MAN

FROM BIRTH TO THE PRESENT DAY.

( pop music playing )

( bike bell rings )

Alexander: SO BACK IN 2000,

I WAS EARNING A BIT OF EXTRA POCKET MONEY

WORKING AS A FUNDRAISER AT WINTERCOMFORT,

WHICH IS A BUSY LITTLE DAY SHELTER IN CAMBRIDGE--

NORMALLY FULL OF HOMELESS PEOPLE.

FULL THAT IS, UNTIL THE MORNING

THAT THE POLICE DECIDED TO RAID THE PLACE.

THEY'VE BEEN ARRESTED.

ALL OF THEM?

( chuckles ) WHAT A GOOD IDEA.

NO, NO, IT WAS JUST MY BOSS RUTH

AND HER DEPUTY JOHN.

SOME OF THE CLIENTS HAD BEEN SECRETLY DEALING DRUGS ON THE PREMISES.

BUT BECAUSE RUTH AND JOHN RAN THE CHARITY,

THEY WERE HELD RESPONSIBLE.

- THEY'VE GOT EVIDENCE... ON FILM. - ( banging on door, shouting )

I WAS FURIOUS AT THE INJUSTICE OF IT.

( banging, shouting continuing )

AND THEN REALLY, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE,

I ACTUALLY BEGAN TO TAKE A REAL AND PRACTICAL INTEREST IN THE HOMELESS.

FUCK OFF, PISSHEAD!

I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE TO YOU ALEXANDER MASTERS--

A DEDICATED FRIEND OF THE HOMELESS HIMSELF,

CHAIRMAN OF THE CAMPAIGN.

( applause )

OH, WE WERE CONVINCED THEY'D NEVER BE CONVICTED.

I MEAN, IF PRISONS CAN'T CONTROL DRUGS,

THEN HOW COULD RUTH AND JOHN BE EXPECTED TO?

Woman: AS EVERYONE KNOWS, WE'RE HERE THIS EVENING

- ABOUT RUTH WYNER AND JOHN-- - THE JUDGE, JUSTICE HOWARTH,

- SENT THEM DOWN-- - FOR FIVE YEARS.. AND FOUR YEARS.

- SHAME. - THANK YOU.

- FASCIST. - THANK YOU.

BUT THIS IS THE CRUNCH-- WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

HOW IS THIS CAMPAIGN GOING TO GET RUTH AND JOHN OUT?

- YES? - WE COULD SEND THEM BOOKS.

BUNYAN, HE'S GOOD FOR PRISONS.

HARDLY. "MIRACLE OF THE ROSE" BY GENET IF YOU MUST.

Man: EXCUSE ME.

THIS ISN'T GONNA WORK.

( slurring ) SENDING THEM BOOKS, EH?

THEY WON'T FIT IN THE BOX.

- SORRY? - THE INMATES' BELONGINGS.

HUH?

EVERYONE'S GOT ONE.

- WHO IS THAT? - NO IDEA.

THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME TO ME.

...YOU'RE ALWAYS ALLOWED A PIECE OF CARPET.

WHAT WON'T FIT IN YOUR BOX.

AND A BUDGIE.

OR A CANARY.

AND OBVIOUSLY,

THE CAGE IS NOT GOING TO FIT IN THE BOX.

BUT IT IS RUTH AND JOHN THAT WILL SUFFER.

( whistling )

( bird squawks )

ALL OF THEM BOOKS-- THE SCREWS'LL JUST CHUCK 'EM OUT

'CAUSE THEY WON'T FIT IN YOUR BOX.

NOT TO BE FUNNY, BUT YOU SHOULD REALLY KNOW ABOUT BOXES

IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A CAMPAIGN.

- ( sighs ) - ME NAME'S PSYCHO,

BUT YOU CAN CALL ME STUART IF YOU LIKE.

UM, WHAT'S YOUR ADDRESS?

TWO LAUREL LANE.

YEAH, THEY HELPED ME.

DOCTORS AND A COUPLE CLOTHES.

OUTREACH. SOME LUNCH AND TWO PUDDINGS.

YEAH, THEY PUT IT ALL ON, THOSE TWO--

AND THE STAFF.

I'M NOT BEING FUNNY, EH?

BUT I AM REALLY GRATEFUL.

- THE OTHER DAY I HAD A REALLY-- - OOH, GREAT.

YEAH?

- CAN I HELP? - YEAH.

Alexander: THAT'S HOW I FIRST MET STUART SHORTER.

STREET BRAWLER, ALCOHOLIC--

A HEROIN ADDICT, SOCIOPATHIC STREET RACONTEUR

WITH A FONDNESS FOR WHAT HE CALLED, "LITTLE STRIPS OF SILVER"--

KNIVES, TO YOU AND ME.

- OH, HERE WE GO. - THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR AGREEING TO STORE THESE.

OH NO, NO PROBLEM.

MIND THE STEP. OH NO.

HERE YOU GO, MATE.

WELCOME TO MY HUMBLE ABODE.

TWO LAUREL LANE.

WHAT? THEY ARE LAURELS, AREN'T THEY?

( groans )

I ONLY HEARD ABOUT THE MEETING THIS MORNING

WHEN I WAS PICKING UP MY BREAKFAST.

- YOUR ADDRESS? - MMM.

A BAD IDEA, NUMBER ONE, MATE.

YOU COULD GET ANY OLD RIFF-RAFF SHOWING UP.

DEAR, DEAR.

( knocking on door, doorbell ringing )

( Stuart moaning ) COME ON!

- YES? - ( moans )

IT'S YOU.

I'VE ADDRESSED SOME ENVELOPES.

- WHICH... - THEY ALL RIGHT?

HORRIBLE.

I'VE HAD A BLINDING IDEA FOR THE CAMPAIGN.

YEAH, GET US ON TELEVISION AND ALL.

NOT EVEN VIOLENT--

IF WE LEAVE OUT THE KIDNAPPING.

- DO YOU WANT TO COME IN? - OH, YES, PLEASE.

BIT WET OUT THERE.

OHHH! THAT'S NICE.

Stuart: OOH!

- HOW MANY SUGARS? - AS MANY AS YOU'VE GOT, MATE!

MMM.

OH. AAH!

- OW. - SORRY.

HOT, HOT.

ALL THEM BOOKS, HUH?

HAVE YOU READ ALL OF THEM?

NO.

- HALF? - NOT EXACTLY.

"THE HUNTING WASP."

A WHOLE BOOK ABOUT THEM LITTLE SUMMER THINGS.

THIS ONE...

WHAT IS THIS ONE ABOUT?

THE COLOR MAUVE.

( exhales ) WOW.

HOW DO YOU FUCKING GET AWAY WITH THIS?

NOW, THIS BLINDING IDEA--

HAVE YOU GOT A CAR?

NO.

WHAT DO YOU LIKE BETTER,

FORD OR V.W.?

Alexander: AND THEN A FEW WEEKS LATER, I HAD THE IDEA ABOUT THE BOOK

AND STARTED DOING A LITTLE RESEARCH.

THAT BOY HAS SUFFERED.

HE DESERVES A BOOK.

YOU SHOULD WRITE A BOOK ABOUT ME.

ALWAYS SUCH A CARING BOY.

HAPPY-GO-LUCKY LITTLE THING.

LEGS ALL OVER THE SHOW, BLESS HIM.

THREE MONTHS AFTER THAT,

WE CARRIED OUT STUART'S BLINDING IDEA,

WHICH WAS A SLEEPOVER PROTEST IN FRONT OF THE HOME OFFICE

TO PERSUADE THE THEN HOME SECRETARY JACK STRAW

TO RELEASE RUTH AND JOHN.

WHICH WAS BETTER THAN HIS FIRST IDEA,

WHICH WAS TO KIDNAP HIM.

STUART TOOK CARE OF OUR TRANSPORT...

SOMEHOW.

AND ON THE WAY TO LONDON,

I READ HIM THE FIRST FEW PAGES OF MY BOOK IDEA.

"STUART CLIVE SHORTER WAS A HAPPY-GO-LUCKY LITTLE BOY.

- OHH! - 'THE MOST CONSIDERATE OF MY CHILDREN,'

- MARVELS HIS MOTHER." - BOLLOCKS! BORING.

WHY DO YOU WANT TO WRITE THIS FUCKING BOOK, ANYWAY?

TO MAKE LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY.

SERIOUSLY? DO YOU THINK YOU'LL MAKE MONEY OUT OF IT?

- COULD, MAYBE. - SOMETHING AS BORING AS THAT?

DON'T BE SO RUDE. ANYWAY, IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU STARTED OUT SO DULL.

OHH. AH, YOU GOT TO MAKE IT MORE EXCITING.

DO IT BACKWARDS, LIKE A MURDER MYSTERY.

LIKE A BESTSELLER.

YOU KNOW, LIKE WHAT TOM CLANCY WRITES.

YEAH, I'D LIKE IT TO BE LIKE THIS.

WHAT MURDERED THE LITTLE BOY I WAS?

MAKE THEM LIGHT A FIRE AND SIT UP.

I MEAN, YOU PUT 10 SOCKS IN THE WASHING MACHINE,

AND ONLY SEVEN COME OUT.

- WHERE DO THEY GO? - STUART?

- I'LL TELL YOU ANOTHER THING AND ALL-- - STUART?

YOU TAKE THE MACHINE APART, AND THEY AIN'T IN IT NEITHER.

- STUART? - WHAT?

- WHAT'S THIS? - WHAT?

- THIS. - OHH.

THAT, ALEXANDER,

- IS A LICE. - ( horn blasting )

- ( honking horn ) - ( man cursing )

THE MAIN PLACE YOU GET THOSE IS ROUND YOUR BOLLOCKS.

THAT LICE--

THAT'LL GROW.

SCABIES ARE SMALLER

AND THEY GOES UNDER THE SKIN

AND LIVE THERE. LITERALLY, NIBBLING.

OH, YEAH.

Alexander: IT TOOK FIVE AND A HALF HOURS

FOR OUR CONVOY TO DO THE 50 MILES FROM CAMBRIDGE TO LONDON.

STUART WOULD NEVER DRIVE ABOUT 30 MILES AN HOUR.

Stuart: HEY, BUCKINGHAM PALACE.

WHAT A LOAD OF BOLLOCKS!

HUH? WHO NEEDS THE QUEEN?!

( raspberries )

IT'S ALL RIGHT. I'LL GET IT.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

- NO, NOT LIKE THAT. - WHAT?

USE THIS, RIGHT? UNDERNEATH. YEAH?

- OH. - HERE YOU ARE.

YOU LOSE MORE HEAT THAT WAY THAN YOU DO THAT WAY.

( all shouting ) RUTH AND JOHN RELEASE! EYES IN THE BACK OF THEIR HEADS!

END THIS POLICE STATE NOW!

- ( whistle blowing ) - RUTH AND JOHN RELEASE! EYES IN THE BACK...

...IMPRISONED FOR WORKING IN A CHARITY

AND DOING NOTHING BUT HELP THE HOMELESS.

( shouting continuing )

CHARITY WORKERS IMPRISONED BECAUSE OF A MISCARRIAGE--

- NO THANKS. - OH, FUCK OFF.

- OKAY. - ( shouting continuing )

HUH?

RUTH AND JOHN RELEASE! EYES IN THE BACK OF THEIR HEADS!

CHARITY WORKERS IN PRISON FOR A MISCARRIAGE OF JUSTICE.

Policeman: TIME TO STOP EVERYONE.

OKAY, EVERYONE, LISTEN UP--

- ( shouting stops ) - EVERYONE, PLEASE. QUIET, PLEASE.

EVERYONE, WE NEED YOU TO MOVE THIS WAY. THANK YOU.

WAIT A MINUTE, HOLD ON.

WHY? THIS IS A PEACEFUL PROTEST.

- FUCKING WHY? - YOU CAN'T CROSS THESE BRASS FLAGS

IF THE HOME OFFICE DOESN'T WANT IT.

- THAT'S SOCIAL FUCKING FASCISM. - WE MUST PUT A FENCE BEHIND YOU

TO INSURE YOU'RE NOT TRESPASSING.

AND ONES ON EITHER SIDE TO PROTECT YOU.

- Stuart: WHAT? - Woman: PROTECTING?

FROM THE PUBLIC, SIR. THEY MIGHT STEP ON YOU.

AND A FENCE IN FRONT JUST IN CASE DURING THE NIGHT

YOU ROLL ONTO THE ROAD AND GET RUN OVER.

I SEE, YOU MEAN TO CAGE US IN COMPLETELY.

I DIDN'T SAY CAGE, SIR, NO.

THAT WAS YOUR WORD.

DO PRISONERS REALLY GET WAGES?

YEAH.

I MEAN, A LOT, LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE?

YEAH, MAKE A FUCKING FORTUNE.

MILLIONAIRES COMING OUT OF NICK EVERY WEEK.

( laughing )

HAVE YOU BEEN IN A LOT OF PRISONS THEN?

HAVE I? FUCKIN' HELL.

HOW MANY?

WELL...

WELL, TO START OFF,

WHEN I WAS A NIPPER THERE WAS SEND DETENTION CENTER.

- ( screaming ) - STOP STRUGGLING!

BLANTYRE HOUSE, BACK TO SEND AGAIN.

OLD STONE, LAWRENCE...

THEN I GREW UP AND WENT TO BIG BOY PRISON.

WHITEMOOR.

OH, NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL A REAL PRISON.

YOU GOT EVERYTHING THERE, MATE.

TERRORISTS, PSYCHOPATHS,

SECURITY THREATS, MURDERERS,

MANSLAUGHTERS, CRAZIES.

WHICH LOT DO YOU BELONG TO?

OH. UMM...

CRAZIES, REALLY.

MMM, YEAH.

NORWICH...

WHITEMOOR AGAIN.

- GRENDON AND WOLDS. - DIE, YOU FUCK!

31.

I DON'T THINK I MISSED ANY.

OH, YES, I HAVE ACTUALLY.

I'VE BEEN TO LEICESTER THREE TIMES AS WELL.

WAYLAND WAS ME LAST ONE.

Policeman: GOOD NIGHT. SLEEP WELL.

Alexander: THANK YOU. SAME TO YOU.

Stuart: HEY, YOU.

SINCE YOU GOT SO MUCH FUCKING TIME ON YOUR HANDS,

ANSWER THIS ONE--

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE

GET KILLED BY SCREWS IN PRISON EVERY YEAR?

MURDERED. OH, SORRY, GOV.

EXCUSE US. HOW WAS WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW

THAT BENDING HIM IN HALF, THE WRONG FUCKING WAY, WAS BAD FOR HIS HEALTH?!

IT'S ONLY PEOPLE LIKE ME

WHAT IS REALLY ROTTEN, ISN'T IT?

REALLY BAD-- BEYOND HOPE.

HAVEN'T GOT A FUCKING CLUE, HAVE YOU?

- HUH? - ALL HE SAID WAS "GOOD NIGHT."

- YOU FUCK OFF, AND ALL YOU FUCKING GEEKY-- - SHUT UP YOURSELF, STUART.

YOU FUCKING WANKING

MIDDLE-CLASS CUNT FUCK, ALEXANDER.

YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW I BECAME WHAT I AM?

I'M GIVING YOU FUCKING ANSWERS!

WHY DON'T YOU WRITE A BOOK

WITH NO FUCKING ANSWERS, EH?

YEAH. WELL, YOU FUCK OFF.

YOU FIND YOUR FUCKING ANSWERS.

ON A SCALE OF ANGER, ONE TO 10,

I'M PROBABLY ON FOUR,

AND STUART'S ON 11.

YOU NEVER CAN TELL...

HOW FAMILIES HAVE BEEN DOWN AND THEY'VE BEEN UP

AND THEY'VE BEEN DOWN AGAIN.

JUST LIKE STUART, YOU KNOW?

DRUGS, PRISON,

BEING A BEGGAR.

GO ON, GO ON.

- OH! - ( laughing )

- YEAH, MATE. - BASTARDS!

MORNING.

- ( laughing ) - LIKE THE TASTE OF PISS, EH?

YOU BASTARDS.

THAT ONE SMELLS NICE.

- ( laughing ) - Alexander: AFTER THREE MONTHS' PREPARATION.

( laughing )

WHOSE BLOODY STUPID IDEA WAS IT

THAT WE CAMP OUT OVER THE WEEKEND, ANYWAY?

THE ONE TIME MR. STRAW IS NOT GONNA BE THERE.

- I BET IT WAS YOURS. - OH, FUCK OFF.

- ( laughing ) - ( radio music playing )

NO.

OH, I LIKE THIS SONG.

THIS IS A GOOD SONG.

( Both singing with radio )

( honks horn )

Alexander: STILL, ONE BLIMEY THING DID COME OUT OF THAT WEEKEND--

STUART'S IDEA THAT HIS LIFE SHOULD BE WRITTEN BACKWARDS.

IT WAS KIND OF ME THROAT WHAT DONE IT.

PUT A BEER GLASS INTO ME NECK.

JUST LOST IT.

Stuart: SOMETIMES YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE HOW HARD IT IS

TO FUCKING DIE.

SO YOU GOT A COUNCIL FLAT BECAUSE YOU TRIED TO KILL YOURSELF?

WORKS A TREAT FOR THE OLD HOUSING POINTS, DOESN'T IT?

WHOOSH, STRAIGHT TO THE TOP OF THE LIST.

- HUH. - IT'S NOT ALL GONE THOUGH.

WHAT'S NOT ALL GONE?

THE HATRED.

I GOT SO MANY ENEMIES.

UP HERE, MATE.

SOMEBODY'S GONNA GET HURT THOUGH, THAT'S WHAT SCARES ME.

WHEN'S THIS THING GONNA HAPPEN?

I CALL IT ME BLACK MIST.

NEXT WEEK, NEXT MONTH,

NEXT 10 SECONDS?

OHH.

THAT IS LOVELY LITTLE WORKMANSHIP.

ISN'T IT?

OOH!

THAT'S VALUE.

THAT'S VALUE.

OH, OF COURSE.

THIS FOR THE SERIES.

YEAH.

FOR MY SON.

YOU'VE GOT A SON?

YEAH.

IN GLASGOW, WITH HIS MUM.

14 YEARS OF AGE, TOMORROW.

ALWAYS OUT ON THE GOLF COURSE, THE LITTLE 'UN.

HEY!

Stuart: GO ON BACK THERE, MATE.

LOT BETTER THAN LAUREL LANE.

HEY. WHOO.

WINE ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE SICK.

HERE. HAVE A BEER.

FANCY A SARNIE?

( grunting )

( moaning )

OW!

Stuart: SO WHY DO YOU WANT TO BE A WRITER THEN?

OH, I DON'T KNOW, REALLY.

BIT LIKE A DISEASE. ALL MY FAMILY'S GOT IT.

DIDN'T WANT TO BE LEFT OUT, DID I?

NO. I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, MATE.

ME DAD IS A THIEF.

AND ME MUM'S A BARMAID.

WHAT'S THE COLOR ORANGE HIGHLIGHTER IN YOUR DIARY FOR?

FAMILY STUFF.

YELLOW?

SOCIAL.

KNOW WHAT?

THIS BOOK...

THAT YOU'RE WRITING ABOUT ME...

IS IT JUST TO MAKE YOUR NAME?

AND YOURS.

I'VE HAD AN IDEA

FOR A JOB TOO.

YEAH?

FOR THE FOREIGN BUSINESSMAN,

WHAT DOESN'T HAVE TIME TO WASTE...

WHAT DOES HE NEED?

AN OFFICE... IN A VAN.

IT'S NATURAL THINKING, ISN'T IT?

GETS OFF THE PLANE AT STANSTED,

STRAIGHT INTO THE BACK OF ME VAN.

THEY WILL HAVE EVERYTHING.

GOOD LOOKING BIRD, WHAT CAN DO SHORTHAND,

FAX, INTERNET,

WIRES ALL OVER THE FUCKING CAB.

IT'S BRILLIANT.

RED SAUCE OR BROWN?

YES, PLEASE. I MEAN, RED.

- WHAT-- WHAT'S...? - OH YEAH, THAT FELLA UPSTAIRS

IS GONNA MAKE ME A BED WHAT FOLDS UP AGAINST THE WALL,

LIKE WHAT JAMES BOND HAS.

- OOH. - YEAH.

ONLY IT'S GOT TO HAVE SPRINGS AND LATCHES

ON THE-- ON THE FLOOR.

OTHERWISE, IT'S BOING, BOING, WHOOSH, ISN'T IT?

"BOING, BOING, WHOOSH"?

YEAH, I MEAN, A BIRD'S NOT GONNA BE TOO HAPPY

IF SHE GETS HER FACE

SQUEEZED UP AGAINST THE PLASTER, IS SHE?

- HEY. - ( woman moans )

- ( woman screams ) - ( glass breaks )

SORRY.

GOOD STUFF, THAT.

YOU CAN USE IT WITH ANYTHING.

SEE THERE ON THE BED.

THERE SHOULD BE A HUGE STAIN.

I OVERDOSED THERE LAST WEEK.

ALL THE SPILLED CANS AND VOMIT--

THAT CLEANED IT UP REALLY, REALLY WELL, ACTUALLY.

BUT YOU WANT TO--

WANT TO LEAVE IT FOR ABOUT...

ABOUT A WEEK BEFORE YOU VACUUM.

( crunching )

OW.

( mumbling )

HERE YOU ARE, MATE.

BE CAREFUL THERE. IT'S REALLY HOT.

I NEVER ASKED YOU WHY YOU WERE IN PRISON.

THE LAST TIME,

STUPID THINGS.

ME MATE SMITHY,

WE'RE OLD BUBBLEGUM CHAPS.

I'M NOT BEING FUNNY.

HE'S IN THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS.

1983 EDITION, AS IT GOES.

Stuart: LIKE BROTHERS FIGHTING THE WORLD.

RESPECT, TRUST AND HONOR.

GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!

( alarm bell ringing )

COME ON.

- ( thuds ) - OW!

( police siren blaring )

Smithy: YOU'RE A FUCK. DID YOU GET MENTHOLS?

- MENTHOLS? FUCK OFF. - SHE'LL FUCKING KILL ME.

- SHE ASKED FOR MENTHOLS. - WELL, GIVE HER THE VODKA.

SHE DON'T WANT VODKA, SHE WANTS MENTHOLS.

Smithy: GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!

I DON'T BELIEVE IT. THESE AREN'T FUCKING MENTHOLS EITHER.

THEY'RE JUST IN A GREEN PACKET.

I'VE GOT 10 PACKETS OF GREEN CIGARETTES.

HURRY UP.

25 QUID 60?

WOMEN--

THEY THINK THEY CAN BOSS YOU ABOUT AND EVERYTHING.

AND ONE DAY,

SMITHY GOT A TIP-OFF.

- 20,000 QUID? - JUST KEEPS IT UNDER THE COUNTER.

NOT A COP SHOP IN 20 MILES.

FUCKING-A.

WHO'S FUCKING RESPONSIBLE?

- NO CARD OF OWNERSHIP. - OH.

GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!

RIGHT.

( screaming )

LET'S JUST SAY IT WAS FUNNY.

BECAUSE AS SOON AS WE WERE SENT DOWN,

SMITHY'S MISSUS MOVED IN WITH THE FELLOW

WHAT TOLD US ABOUT THE JOB.

FIVE YEARS.

PRETTY STEEP SENTENCE.

- WERE YOU ARMED? - NO.

UH...

ONLY WITH A CROWBAR.

( screaming )

- ( dishes clanking ) - Man on TV: What sort of development?

Dan Sullivan moved his toothbrush

into my bathroom last night--

- and the rest. - You mean he's living in the Vic?

Stuart: HEY, ALEXANDER?

YOU WANT TO STAY FOR TEA?

ME FAVORITE-- CONVICT CURRY.

WE USED TO MAKE IT IN JAIL.

MUSHROOMS.

MMM.

WHAT ABOUT THE FIRST TIME IN?

FIRST TIME WHAT?

THAT YOU WERE SENTENCED AS AN ADULT.

UMM...

I DON'T KNOW.

( metal pops )

I CAN'T...

I CAN'T REALLY TALK ABOUT THAT, MATE.

BUT I MEAN,

ROBBING AN EMPTY POST OFFICE IS...

BURGLE.

ROB PEOPLE.

BURGLE POST OFFICES.

YEAH, BUT WHAT I MEAN IS,

IT'S HARDLY A SCHEDULE ONE OFFENSE, IS IT?

OF COURSE NOT.

THAT'S SERIOUS, ISN'T IT?

( sniffs )

IT WASN'T KIDDY-FIDDLIN'.

I DIDN'T SAY THAT IT WAS.

IT WASN'T.

WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT THURSDAY, YEAH?

THURSDAY AFTERNOON.

( sniffs )

ANOTHER TIME, RIGHT?

Man on TV: Finally, the mosaicist would carefully peel back the cloth.

And then, hey, presto, an instant floor.

Fantastic.

This mosaic section would arrive on a cloth backing.

- OOH. - Uncovering the reverse side with glue,

the Romans would've used mortar.

The most important design was usually the middle of the room.

We think this was the dining room.

And you see here is Cupid riding on a dolphin

carrying a posting form.

The mosaicist would work out from here

towards the borders, and he'd probably leave his minions

to do the less important bits.

Because if there were mistakes out there,

they'd all get covered up by the furniture...

( groaning )

Putting in each tile one by one with great care.

But I suspect it wasn't really like that at all.

The Romans were very keen on shortcuts...

( groans )

AND YOU MOP WITH THE BREAD--

MOP UP YOUR JUICES.

( laughs )

( laughs ) MMM.

SO SMASH THE WINDOW,

BREAK THE STEERING WHEEL LOCK

BY TURNING THE WHEEL IN OPPOSING DIRECTIONS.

YEAH. AND IF THE STREET IS TOO PUBLIC,

TO USE A BRICK.

SLIDE STICK.

MOVE THE METAL BAND FROM A PALLET OF BRICKS,

REDUCE TO 18 INCHES, REMOVE A NOTCH FROM ONE SIDE,

INSERT INTO DOOR PANEL. ( clicks )

BUKOW! I'M IN THE POST OFFICE.

- BOOT IN THE RUBBLE. - NO, THERE'S NO POINT IN RAM-RAIDING THE POST OFFICE.

- WHY NOT? - YOU DON'T PAY ENOUGH ATTENTION.

THERE'S NO POINT IN RAM-RAIDING THE FUCKING POST OFFICE.

THERE'S NEVER NO MONEY IN THE TILL, IS THERE?

LONG GONE ARE THEM DAYS.

NO MONEY.

OH, HERE.

- UM... - NO, NO, NO, NO.

- HONESTLY. - I'LL GET A TAXI, I'LL STOP AT A BANK.

Stuart: NO, HONESTLY, TAKE IT.

IT'S ME BEER MONEY. YOU'RE DOING ME A FAVOR.

YOU'D BE DOING SOCIETY A FAVOR.

- AND BUY A FUCKING CAR. - GET YOURSELF A FUCKING LICENSE.

Alexander: OH, I ALMOST FORGOT. HERE.

- BROUGHT YOU THIS. - ALL RIGHT.

YOUR BLACK MISTS--

I THOUGHT YOU COULD TALK INTO IT NEXT TIME YOU'RE IN ONE.

- OH. - YOU'LL BE OKAY?

CALL IF YOU NEED ANY HELP.

2:00 A.M., 4:00 A.M.-- ANYTIME.

YEAH, SO YOU CAN BRING A FUCKING CAMERA?

OY!

YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, ALEXANDER.

( bus door closes )

OFTEN USED TO SAY TO STUART,

"I WISH I COULD JUST PICK YOU UP SOMETIMES,

TURN YOU UPSIDE DOWN

AND SHAKE ALL THE BAD THINGS OUT OF YOUR HEAD.

THEN PUT YOU BACK UP THE RIGHT WAY AGAIN."

HMM. THE CHANGE IN HIM,

WE JUST COULDN'T UNDERSTAND IT.

( applause )

OF COURSE I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING HERE TODAY

TO HEAR ME TALK ABOUT THE CAMPAIGN

AND THE PETITION.

Alexander: STUART AND I GAVE NINE OR 10 TALKS TOGETHER

ABOUT THE CAMPAIGN THAT SPRING.

IN BIRMINGHAM, LONDON, OXFORD

AND OF COURSE, VILLAGES AROUND CAMBRIDGE.

MR. STUART CLIVE SHORTER.

I'D SPEAK FIRST, AND THEN STUART WOULD GET UP

AND KNOCK THE AUDIENCE OFF ITS SEATS

WITH THE STORY OF HIS LIFE.

A TYPICAL SUICIDE ATTEMPT

IS JUST AN UNBEARABLE SENSE OF HATRED

AND WASTE.

"I AM THE NIGHTMARE YOU FRIGHTEN YOUR CHILDREN WITH," HE SAID.

THE SORT OF PERSON THESE TWO CHARITY WORKERS

WERE TRYING TO HELP TO GET OFF YOUR STREETS.

WE SHOULD'VE AWARDED RUTH AND JOHN MEDALS

INSTEAD OF SENDING THEM TO PRISON.

SO I JUST TWISTED AROUND,

AND I EMPTIED EVERYTHING...

THAT REMAINED INTO MY RIGHT BUTTOCK.

STUART DID TWO THINGS FOR THE CAMPAIGN, REALLY.

HE FOLDED LETTERS

AND HE EXPOSED HIS SOUL.

( applause )

THAT'LL WORK.

( slow trumpet playing )

- EXACTLY, SO IF WE WRITE-- - OH, THIS IS YOUR NAME.

IF WE SOLVE THE PUZZLE DO WE SOLVE YOU?

( laughing )

HE'S JUST--

HE'S JUST VERY, VERY INTERESTING, YOU KNOW?

HE TELLS ME ABOUT A WORLD I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT...

AND I JUST LIKE HIM.

HE'S ABSOLUTELY EXTRAORDINARY.

HE KNOWS THE EXACT DAY THAT HE CHANGED INTO A SOCIOPATH.

BETWEEN 4:00 P.M. AND 5:00 P.M.-- THE EXACT DAY.

IT'S LIKE KNOWING WHAT WAS IN DR. JEKYLL'S POTION

THAT TURNED HIM INTO MR. HYDE.

( helicopter buzzing )

Alexander: THIS THING-- STUART'S BLACK MIST--

CAME THAT NIGHT.

APPARENTLY STARTED BY A KNIFE FIGHT.

THE FIRST I HEARD ABOUT IT WAS A CALL A DAY LATER FROM HIS MOTHER.

HE SAYS NO BLOOD.

USUALLY THERE IS BLOOD.

PERHAPS THE CLEANERS HAVE BEEN ROUND.

JUST FOR THE BLOOD.

- ( glass shatters ) - ( moaning )

CAMPAIGN'S HELPED HIM A LOT, YOU KNOW.

KEPT HIM STRAIGHT.

HE AIN'T BEEN THIS HAPPY SINCE HE WAS A LITTLE BOY.

"ALEXANDER ONLY."

Stuart on tape: Hello, Alexander, it's Stuart.

You know, I'm admitting I've had lots to drink now,

but I can't help reflect about--

( button clicks )

- ( lighter clicking ) - STUART HAD BEEN BAILED

TO APPEAR AT CAMBRIDGE MAGISTRATE'S COURT.

I WENT WITH HIM FOR MORAL SUPPORT.

( woman laughing )

THEY DON'T LOOK TOO UPSET TO BE HERE.

WAIT TILL THEY GET TO CROWN COURT.

THAT'S WHEN IT GETS SERIOUS.

GODSPEED THE DAY.

- EXCUSE ME, YOU'RE ABOUT TO FALL OFF-- - FUCK OFF.

GOOD LAD. SAY THAT TO THE NASTY MAN IN THE WIG

AND EVERYTHING'LL BE FINE.

SOMETIMES IT TAKES SO LONG

YOU FORGET WHAT YOU'RE FUCKING CALLING FOR.

HERE, LISTEN TO THIS.

THIS IS THE LITTLE 'UN.

Boy on phone: I don't know you, fuck off!

I'm not in and I don't want to talk to you!

- ( laughs ) - I DIDN'T THINK HE WAS LIKE THAT.

I WAS THINKING MAYBE HE SHOULD GO TO BUSINESS SCHOOL.

NOW I DON'T KNOW.

IT AIN'T RIGHT.

I'VE HAD TO HAVE WORDS WITH HIM ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF POLITENESS.

- HE'S 14. - IT REALLY SHOCKED ME, TO BE HONEST.

Man: MR. SHORTER?

ACCORDING TO POLICE STATEMENTS,

THEY COULD SMELL SMOKING OIL WHEN THEY ARRIVED ON THE SCENE.

CHIP FAT.

( helicopter buzzing, men shouting )

- ( alarm beeping ) - ( men shouting )

( moaning )

IT WAS THE ANNIVERSARY OF MY BROTHER'S DEATH.

I WANTED TO BURN THE DEVIL OUT OF MYSELF.

( screaming )

YOU FUCK!

FUCK ME!

- DOWN! GET DOWN ON THE GROUND! - ( shouting )

THE DEVIL-- BURN!

THE MAGISTRATE'S COURT DECIDED THEY COULDN'T

HANDLE THE COMPLEXITIES OF STUART'S CASE,

SO THEY REFERRED IT TO THE CROWN COURT.

DISGRACE.

40 POLICEMEN AND YOU STILL GET BAILED.

BEATS ME WHY YOU HATE THE SYSTEM.

MY MUM SAYS SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND IT NEITHER.

WHAT DID THE BARRISTER MEAN WHEN HE WAS TALKING

ABOUT "ATTEMPTED" MANSLAUGHTER?

I RECKON I TRIED TO CUT

MY NEIGHBOR'S HEAD OFF WITH A BREAD KNIFE.

( laughs ) YOU DIDN'T? DID YOU?

YEAH.

IF HE HADN'T'VE MOVED, I'D'VE GOTTEN HIM TOO.

( can pops )

SO YOU CALLED YOUR NEIGHBOR

WHO MADE YOUR BOING-BOING-WHOOSH BED A POOFTER...

( burps )

AND THEN THAT'S WHY HE LOST IT?

NO, HE THOUGHT I CALLED HIM A POOFTER.

AND YOU DID NOTHING OF THE SORT?

- NO. - WHAT DID YOU DO?

I JUST ASKED HIS FRIEND IF HE WAS A POOFTER.

- ( laughing ) - IT'S NOT A JOKE, ALEXANDER!

- I MEAN-- - WHEN MY BAIL'S UP, I'M LOOKING AT LIFE!

OHH.

I'VE LOST MY KEYS SOMEWHERE.

SO YOU DIDN'T CALL YOUR NEIGHBOR

WHO MADE YOUR BOING-BOING-WHOOSH BED A POOFTER.

WELL, WHAT--

WHAT DID HIS MATE SAY WHEN YOU CALLED--

WHAT DID HIS MATE SAY WHEN YOU ASKED HIM IF HE WAS A POOFTER?

NO, NO, JUST...

SAID HE SUFFERED FROM PREMATURE EJACULATION.

( laughing )

OVERALL, IT WAS QUITE INTERESTING AT THE TIME.

BECAUSE I SUFFER FROM THE SAME COMPLAINT MYSELF.

- ( groaning ) - ( thuds )

UMM...

I'M GOING TO SEE SOME FRIENDS IN NORFOLK NEXT WEEK.

- COME ALONG. - NO.

I CAN'T.

YOU HEARD THE MAGISTRATE.

NOT ALLOWED OUT OF CAMBRIDGE TILL THE TRIAL.

Stuart: AND ANOTHER THING ABOUT WASHING MACHINES--

THIS FELLOW ON THE TV,

HE PUT THREE OF THEM WASHING MACHINE INNER BITS TOGETHER--

NOT INTO CONCRETE OR NOTHING--

AND HE SAID IT WAS A SCULPTURE.

GOD.

REALLY. AND SOMEBODY BOUGHT IT!

I'M NOT BEING FUNNY, YEAH?

BUT THERE IS A VIABLE BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY THERE.

RENT A BARN,

LAY OUT ALL THE BITS.

AND WHEN THEY'VE HAD ENOUGH OF WASHING MACHINES,

DO FRIDGES.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHAT REALLY ANNOYS ME, ALEXANDER.

I'M ALWAYS GETTING THESE GREAT IDEAS--

YOU KNOW, ABOUT HOW TO MAKE MONEY,

AND PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS TELLING ME THEY'RE WRONG, YOU KNOW?

I NEVER GET NO ENCOURAGEMENT.

NO ENCOURAGEMENT AT ALL.

- HERE, HOLD THE WHEEL. - HMM?

WANT SOME?

UH, YES.

- THANK YOU. - SAVE ME SOME.

I WILL.

( sniffs ) I THINK I'VE GOT A BIT OF A COLD COMING.

( coughs )

HERE, LISTEN TO THIS.

Boy on phone: I apologize for not being currently available.

Be so kind as to leave your name and message.

WOW.

SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST GET AN ORDINARY JOB?

- 9:00 TO 5:00? - THAT'S THE ONE.

GETTING UP IN THE MORNING,

COMING HOME LATE AT NIGHT.

- ON THE NOSE. - FULL TIME.

YOU EVER HAD ONE OF THOSE?

- NOPE. - OH.

I'VE DONE A BIT OF VALETING WORK

FOR A FRIEND OF ME BROTHER'S.

AND?

I HEAD-BUTTED THE BLOKE.

YOUR VERSION OF PUTTING YOUR HEAD DOWN AND GETTING ON WITH IT.

HE TRIED TO FIDDLE WITH ME SISTER.

AND THEN LATER ON, YOU KNOW--

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT?

( sighs )

NOTHING. JUST LIKE WHEN--

WHEN MY BROTHER GAVVY KILLED HIMSELF.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING, STUART.

TALK ABOUT IT ANOTHER TIME.

YEAH.

THANKS.

Sister: WHEN THE POLICE FOUND GAVVY,

THEY SAID HE'D REALLY SUFFERED.

THE TABLETS HE'D TAKEN HAD EATEN HIS KIDNEYS

AND HIS LIVER AWAY BEFORE HE DIED.

AND IT HAD BEEN AN ABSOLUTE AGONY DYING.

AND I'M GLAD.

I'M GLAD MY BROTHER SUFFERED.

"CHAINSAW CARVED MUSHROOMS."

FUCKING HELL.

WHAT DID THEY DO TO DESERVE THAT?

( horn honking )

- ( brakes squeak ) - ( doors open )

HEY, FUCKING NICE LITTLE NUMBER

YOU GOT GOING HERE, MATE.

GET MANY KNOBHEADS FOR AN INVITE?

YEAH, PLENTY.

( groans )

OH, WOW.

I'M JAMES. GOOD TO SEE YOU.

ALEXANDER'S TOLD ME ALL ABOUT YOU.

- RUBEN, YES? - I'M DIDO.

Stuart: OH, YOU HAVE A LOVELY HOUSE.

- HELLO, DARLING. - HI, HI, HI.

- GOOD TO SEE YOU. - HERE, THIS IS FOR YOU.

OH, THANK YOU. LOVELY.

NOW ALEX'LL HAVE TOLD YOU I'M AN ALCOHOLIC,

HASN'T HE? I'M ALSO A SCHEDULE ONE OFFENDER

AND A THIEF. BUT I WON'T CAUSE NO TROUBLE.

MAY I HAVE A TOUR OF THE ESTATE, PLEASE?

IS THAT A PEAR TREE?

YEAH.

OHH.

YOU MAKE CIDER OUT OF THAT.

AND THEM APPLES, EH?

FAMOUS ACTORS USED TO COME HERE AND PLAY TENNIS.

- LAWRENCE OLIVIER-- - LAWRENCE OLIVIER? REALLY?

WE'RE THERE. WOO.

TWO-LOVE!

HEY, HEY!

YOU OUGHT TO KNOCK ALL THEM TREES DOWN

AND BUILD A GO-CART COURSE.

( laughing )

FIX THIS PLACE UP, IT'D BE REALLY LOVELY, YEAH?

( laughing )

( rock music playing )

- MIND, IT'S HOT. - OW.

OOH, LAPSANG "SHEPONG" THERE. VERY NICE.

( rooster crows )

OH, IT'S VERY TASTY.

YEAH.

FUCKING AMAZING.

( inhales deeply ) MMM.

YEAH, HE FUCKING WON THEM.

SO FALSE.

FALSE TITS.

I PREFER A BIT OF NATURAL BOUNCE MYSELF.

IF THEY'RE GOING TO SAG,

THEY'RE GOING TO SAG, AREN'T THEY?

I DON'T GET IT, ALEXANDER.

HOW COME YOU'RE SO INTERESTED

IN HOMELESS PEOPLE?

I'M NOT.

I WAS ONLY WORKING AT WINTERCOMFORT

BECAUSE THE MONEY WAS GOOD.

NINE QUID AN HOUR.

AND THE HOURS-- SHIFT WORK.

HOW LONG ARE THESE ONIONS MEANT TO COOK?

OH, TILL YOU FEEL SATISFIED.

YOU KNOW, I COULD WRITE IN THE MORNING.

YEAH, BUT WHY?

STUART, IF I WAS INTERESTED IN YOU AS A HOMELESS PERSON,

I'D'VE BEEN SACKED FOR UNPROFESSIONAL CONDUCT AGES AGO.

- SO? - SO I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND.

IS THAT SO BAD?

FENUGREEK?

IT'S A BIT WEIRD, IF YOU ASK ME.

COULDN'T AGREE MORE.

THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEBODY THAT WON'T WANT TO.

OOH.

YEAH, BUT WHY?

BECAUSE YOU'RE FUNNY, INTELLIGENT,

GOOD COMPANY-- WHAT DO YOU WANT, A FUCKING LOVE LETTER?

NOW SHUT UP AND DRINK YOUR FRIGGIN' BEER.

( hiccups )

- ( laughing ) - MARVELOUS.

- WHAT WAS IT AGAIN? - CONVICT CURRY.

CONVICT CURRY.

HEY, STUART, IT'S THURSDAY.

YOU'VE GOT TO TELL.

NO, NOT NOW.

COME ON. A PROMISE IS A PROMISE.

COME ON, YOU'VE TALKED OUR EARS OFF ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE.

GIVE IT A REST, ALEXANDER.

- YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW. - STUART'S FIRST PRISON SENTENCE.

HE'LL ONLY TALK ABOUT IT ON A THURSDAY

BECAUSE HE GETS HIS DOLE MONEY WEDNESDAY AFTERNOONS,

WHICH MEANS IF TALKING ABOUT IT UPSETS HIM

HE'S STILL GOT ENOUGH HEROIN LEFT TO CALM HIM DOWN.

IS THAT RIGHT?

IT WAS NOTHING.

I WAS--

I WAS IN THE PUB ONE NIGHT.

IT WAS THE LITTLE 'UN'S BIRTHDAY.

I WAS IN THE PUB CELEBRATING.

IT WAS OVER 10 YEARS AGO...

AND THIS BLOKE SAYS--

IT WAS JUST NASTINESS.

- COME ON. - ALEXANDER, PLEASE.

LOOK, THURSDAY'S THE DAY.

SO I COME HOME.

( crying )

MAN SAYS YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING AROUND.

YOU'RE DRUNK.

- YOU WANT IT, YOU GOTTA RAPE ME. - I WANT IT.

I WANNA KILL YOU!

- ( woman shouts ) - STAY DOWN.

FUCKING SLUT, I COULD KILL YOU, YOU CUNT!

GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

- ( baby crying ) - YOU WANTED A FUCKING BABY.

AND I THINK THEN I REALIZED

THAT I HAD MADE A PROPER MESS OF IT ALL, REALLY.

- I'M FUCKING LEAVING. - OW!

- YOU FUCKING ARE NOT! - FUCK--

YOU FUCK AROUND WITH ME?! YEAH?!

( panting )

I'M A BIT ASHAMED OF THAT,

TO BE HONEST.

GO FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF, LOT OF YA. I'LL DO THE LOT OF YA!

OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKES. GO ON, FUCK OFF!

FUCKING HELL!

IT'S ALL RIGHT. FUCK OFF!

SO WE SAT AROUND FOR A BIT...

AND DECIDED WE'D COME OUT TO GIVE UP.

WE'RE COMING OUT, NOW.

PLEASE FORGIVE, EH?

I'M SORRY.

- Policeman: GO, GET HIM! - OH, MAN.

- ( shouting ) - ( baby screaming )

CAN'T YOU JUST SHOOT THE FUCKER?

HE'S JUST LOST IT.

IT'S NOT STUART.

MOVE, MOVE!

- GO! - ( shouting )

- OH! - AAH!

( screaming ) NO, NO!

- ( pounding metal ) - ( Stuart moaning )

LOVELY STAY, ALEXANDER.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I REALLY ENJOYED IT.

I WAS REALLY SURPRISED,

ALEXANDER, TO BE HONEST.

I THOUGHT MIDDLE-CLASS PEOPLE,

THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH 'EM.

YOU KNOW? THEY'RE JUST ORDINARY, AREN'T THEY?

I WAS A BIT SHOCKED

TO TELL THE TRUTH.

Alexander: OVER THE NEXT FEW MONTHS, STUART'S TRIAL

FOR THE ATTEMPTED MANSLAUGHTER OF HIS NOT-POOFTER-

BOING-BOING-WHOOSH- BED-MAKING NEIGHBOR

WAS POSTPONED ONCE... TWICE...

Stuart: OH NO.

A THIRD TIME...

AND THEN A FOURTH.

I'M-- OW! AAH!

HE NEEDED SOME CASH, SO I GAVE HIM 250 QUID FOR HIS CAR,

AND I'M STILL WAITING FOR THE PAPERWORK.

MEANWHILE, THE CAMPAIGN WENT FROM STRENGTH TO STRENGTH.

NEWSLETTERS, PETITIONS, PROTESTS,

EVEN BENEFIT GIGS.

AND THEN IT WAS STUART'S BRIGHT IDEA TO GO AND SEE OUR LOCAL M.P.

OH, SHIT.

I'M SORRY, MATE, I'M JUST A BIT NERVOUS IS ALL.

MR. SHORTER IS NOT FROM ANNE'S CONSTITUENCY.

I'M FROM ANNE'S CONSTITUENCY.

- I WISH TO TAKE STUART AS MY GUEST. - ALEXANDER.

YOU'LL HAVE TO MAKE A NEW APPOINTMENT.

OH RUBBISH. SHE'S GOT NOTHING ELSE TO DO, HAS SHE?

THE COUNCIL IS NOT GONNA HAVE

NO EMERGENCY WINTER SHELTER FOR HOMELESS.

AND I'M FRIGHTENED...

IN WINTER, IT'S SMACK WHAT KEEPS YOU FUCKING--

I'M SORRY.

KEEPS YOU WARM.

BUT THIS YEAR, THERE'S GOING TO BE

ONE MORE DEATH A MONTH AGAIN.

WHY?

PUPPIES.

I'M NOT SURE I FOLLOW YOU.

ON THE STREETS.

PUPPIES?

'CAUSE THE HOMELESS LOVE THEIR DOGS, RIGHT?

BUT THE HOSTELS ONLY ALLOW

TWO TO THREE PLACES FOR PETS.

SO IF THERE HAS BEEN TWO NEW LITTERS,

THEN LOADS MORE PEOPLE ARE GONNA HAVE DOGS, AREN'T THEY?

AND THEREFORE WILL BE FORCED

TO SLEEP OUT.

AND HENCE, THEREFORE,

FURTHERMORE,

MORE DEATHS.

HMM?

YOU SEE,

ON THE STREET, IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS THAT KILL PEOPLE.

( wolf whistle )

THAT JUSTICE HOWARTH MUST HATE THE CAMPAIGN'S GUTS.

HUMILIATION!

SEVEN MONTHS AFTER THEY WERE SENT DOWN, RUTH AND JOHN--

...have been released on bail.

( cheering )

HEY, THAT'S NOT ALL.

...prison sentences four and five years.

Male reporter: This was our first sight of Ruth Wyner...

( cheering )

...steps of the Royal Court of Justice this morning.

After seven months in jail,

the so-called "Cambridge two"

have been released on unconditional bail

and are now free to challenge their original convictions.

GOTTA SEE IF THE LIGHT'S ON.

( cheering )

STUART, IT'S ALEXANDER.

STOP WHATEVER ILLEGAL THING IT IS YOU'RE DOING AND GET DOWN HERE.

( elevator bell rings )

IT'S ME MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY.

HUMERO SCAPIO SOMETHING.

MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY.

IT'S A REAL GOBSTOPPER.

I NEVER LEARNED THE NAME.

WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW CAN'T HURT YOU, HUH?

I ONLY CAME IN TO SEE THE NURSE

BECAUSE I WANTED TO CUDDLE

- AND IT SPITS TOO SOON. - STUART!

WELL, I THOUGHT MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE OF ME MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE YOUR DICK'S A MUSCLE, ISN'T IT?

- ( laughing ) - SHH.

IT STARTED ON ME TICKER.

THEY'RE TRIED TWICE...

TO PUT A PACEMAKER IN ME TIT.

BUT THE VEINS JUST CRUMBLE

'CAUSE OF THE AMOUNT I'VE INJECTED.

GOTTA LAUGH, AIN'T YA?

Stuart: EH?

OHH.

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE HADN'T TOLD YOU.

HE TELLS EVERYONE ABOUT EVERYTHING.

- NOW, THAT'S NOT TRUE. - MOM, YES.

THAT'S HIS WAY OF COPING, ISN'T IT?

20 YEARS,

NON-STOP.

EVER SINCE HE FIRST WENT ON THE STREETS.

SORRY, 20 YEARS? BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS GAVVY--

UM, BROTHER'S SUICIDE THAT MADE HIM HOMELESS.

DON'T BE STUPID.

STUART HAD BEEN ON AND OFF THE STREETS SINCE HE WAS 12.

THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN INSTANT LIL' HORROR.

12 YEARS OLD, THAT'S WHEN IT STARTED.

Sister: GAVVY HAD TO RUN TO FETCH MUM.

MUM, IT'S STUART!

Stuart: PUT ME INTO CARE!

YOU HEAR ME? DO ME NOW,

OTHERWISE I'LL KILL YOU! PUT ME INTO CARE!

NOW, OR I'LL DO THE LOT OF YOU!

PUT ME INTO CARE!

I SAID, "PUT ME INTO CARE!"

IN YOU GO. MIND YOUR HEAD.

Sister: HE WAS TAKEN INTO CARE THAT NIGHT.

WE DIDN'T SEE HIM FOR THREE WEEKS.

ANOTHER ONE FOR YOU, MR. LAVERACK.

YOU'RE GETTING POPULAR.

HE ASKED TO COME.

POOR BOY. POOR BOY.

( boys screaming )

OUT THE FRYING PAN, INTO THE FIRE.

- WE WEREN'T THE FRYING PAN. - YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

WE JUST COULDN'T UNDERSTAND IT.

PEOPLE SAID SHE OUGHT TO DISOWN HIM.

HOW CAN YOU WASH YOUR HANDS OF YOUR OWN CHILD?

"HE'S MY FLESH AND BLOOD," I'D SAY.

"HE'S MY SON."

I JUST WISH I COULD DO MORE.

Alexander: WORKING ON THE BOOK

AFTER THE END OF THE CAMPAIGN--

WRITING, RE-WRITING--

I REALIZED THEN THAT I COULD NEVER HOPE

TO JUSTIFY OR EXPLAIN STUART.

AND WHATEVER HAD MURDERED HIS INNOCENCE

HAD LONG AGO CEASED TO BE SIMPLE ENOUGH TO SORT OUT WITH WORDS.

( cell phone ringing )

ALL I COULD HOPE TO DO WAS STAPLE HIM TO THE PAGE.

( ringing continues )

- HELLO? - Stuart: It's in me tick.

I'm at Papworth Heart Hospital.

Come visit.

On your way, can you pop in

to see me gran and grandpa?

They've got a present for me.

I told them it smells like sick

and they don't listen though.

WE HAVEN'T SEEN STUART IN YEARS.

LOTS OF YEARS.

WELL, THINGS HAVEN'T BEEN VERY EASY FOR HIM RECENTLY.

HIS MOTHER SAYS IT'S THE BUSES.

THEY'RE NOT CONVENIENT.

STUART?

NO, RALEIGH--

HIS SON.

- STUART. - NO.

REX, HIS DAD.

A BAD MAN, HIS REAL DAD.

GYPSIES.

( softly ) STUART?

Grandpa: GAVVY, STUART'S BROTHER.

ONE DAY, WHEN REX WAS BEATING OUR JUDITH REAL BAD,

GAVVY HIT HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH A BROOM.

HE WAS ONLY FIVE.

REX MOVED OUT AFTER THAT.

I KNOW WHY STUART CHANGED.

GAVVY CAME ROUND SPECIAL TO TELL ME.

PROMISED I'D NEVER TELL.

THREE DAYS LATER, HE COMMITTED SUICIDE.

HE SAID HE'D PRACTICE GETTING BETTER.

COULDN'T DECIDE RED OR WHITE.

Gran: TELL HIM TO COME AND SEE US.

WE'VE WAITED LONG ENOUGH.

CAN'T WAIT FOREVER.

( knocking )

OH, YOU FUCKING STAR.

I ALMOST DIED.

HOW ARE RUTH AND JOHN?

NOT GOOD.

HE CAN'T WORK.

WIFE SAYS HE CRIES IN HIS SLEEP.

AAH.

YEAH.

AND RUTH?

GOT CANCER.

OHH.

BASTARDS.

NOW DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT THE SYSTEM?

THE SYSTEM. IT'S THE SYSTEM THAT'S GONNA KEEP HER ALIVE.

THE SYSTEM HAS JUST GIVEN YOU A £5000 PACEMAKER FOR NOTHING.

- ( knocking ) - HELLO?

EXCUSE ME. ANY OF YOU KNOW WHERE THE TOILET IS?

I SAW A SIGN. IT SAID DOWN THERE ON THE LEFT.

THANKS, MAN.

( squeaking )

FUCKING HELL.

I NEED A CIGARETTE.

Stuart: YEAH, THE WHOLE TOWN'S LIKE IT.

ALL CRIPPLES.

I SPENT SIX YEARS

IN A SCHOOL LIKE THIS.

DAY I END UP LIKE THAT, EH?

DEATH DAY.

- CARE WAS LIKE THIS? - NO.

"SPAGGY" SCHOOL.

THEY SENT ME BECAUSE OF MY MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY.

SAID I WASN'T ALLOWED TO GO TO "PROPER" SCHOOL.

WELL, IT WAS THE '70s.

FUNNY THING, THOUGH--

THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME AT THAT STAGE.

I WAS JUST A BIT UNCOORDINATED,

BUT YOU'D HARDLY NOTICE.

THEY SAID, SINCE I WAS GOING TO DIE A SPAG,

I MIGHT AS WELL GET USED TO THE IDEA.

All: UP AND UP AND UP...

BEFORE I WAS TOO SPAGGY TO UNDERSTAND, I SUPPOSE.

NOW ALL TOGETHER--

Boys: DOUCHEBAGS, DOUCHEBAGS,

- DOUCHEBAGS! - ( eggs thudding )

GIMPY! OY, GIMPY, COME HERE!

WHERE'S YOUR BROTHER NOW?

- HEY, HELP ME! - HOLD ME!

HELP ME!

Boy: WE'RE COMING TO KILL YOU!

Alexander: DID THEY KICK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU?

Stuart: EVERY DAY, MATE.

GIVE 'EM SOMETHING TO DO AFTER SCHOOL.

- ( crying ) - AND GAVVY WOULD CONSOLE ME.

PLEASE, NOT HOWARTH.

- PLEASE, NOT-- - Alexander: ONLY ONE MONTH OUT OF PAPWORTH,

STUART'S DAY IN COURT FOR ATTEMPTING

TO CUT OFF HIS NEIGHBOR'S HEAD FINALLY ARRIVED.

WE WERE DREADING IT WOULD BE RUTH AND JOHN'S OLD JUDGE.

OH, FUCK!

ALL RISE FOR JUSTICE HOWARTH.

AT THIS POINT, STUART REALLY WAS LOOKING AT BEING IMPRISONED FOR LIFE.

THE COURT IS NOW IN SESSION.

THIS CASE CONCERNS STUART CLIVE SHORTER.

A FRAY,

DISORDERLY CONDUCT,

RESISTING ARREST.

AN INCIDENT AT THE ACCUSED'S FLAT.

EXCUSE ME.

NO. NO, HE JUST SAID THE WHOLE THING WAS NONSENSE.

ALL THAT ADDING CHARGES,

TAKING HIM AWAY, ATTEMPTED MURDER...

Alexander: I DON'T KNOW. I MEAN, WHAT CAN I SAY?

THE LUCKY BASTARD GOT OFF ON A SERIES OF TECHNICALITIES.

COME ON. YOU KNOW WHAT?

JUDGE HOWARTH THINKS ABOUT US--

- OOH! - SHIT, STUART, I'M SO SORRY.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

- ( laughing ) - I'M SO SORRY.

COME ON.

HE'S FREE.

HE'S ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FREE.

COME ON! YEAH!

COME ON!

( pop music playing )

OH, CRAP.

- ( flatulence ) - OH.

- ( laughing ) - YOU'RE GROSS.

WAKEY, WAKEY.

WAKE UP.

SUN'S GOT HIS HAT ON, MATE.

SUN HAS GOT HIS HAT ON, MATE.

- ( blowing ) - RISE AND SHINE.

- OH. - I GOT TO TRY ON A SUIT FOR ME SISTER'S WEDDING.

CAN YOU GIVE ME A LIFT?

HAVE YOU LISTENED TO THE TAPE?

I WAS NINE, ALEXANDER, WHEN IT STARTED.

NINE.

IT WAS THREE YEARS OF ABUSE.

MY OWN BROTHER.

AND THEN HIS MATE JOINED IN.

THAT NIGHT,

I COULDN'T TAKE IT NO MORE, YOU KNOW?

THEY HAD DONE EVERYTHING.

THERE WAS NOTHING MORE THEY COULD DO.

( muffled groaning )

YOU GOT ANY MORE OF THESE?

YEAH, BACK SEAT I THINK.

I THINK THE REASON MUM STILL PAMPERS HIM LIKE SHE DOES

IS BECAUSE SHE FEELS GUILTY ABOUT WHAT GAVVY DID.

BUT HE DID THE SAME TO ME.

I'M THE SAME AS STU. ONE MINUTE, NICE AS PIE,

NEXT MINUTE, I'M A RATTLESNAKE.

Stuart: HOW DID I GET TO BE LIKE THIS?

WHAT MURDERED THE LITTLE BOY I WAS?

WHEN THE POLICE FOUND GAVVY, THEY SAID HE'D REALLY SUFFERED.

( screaming )

OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

NOT GETTING AWAY WITH THIS.

Gran: THAT BOY HAS SUFFERED.

Judith: HAPPY-GO-LUCKY LITTLE THING.

Sister: USED TO LAUGH UP A LITTLE STORM.

- ( overlapping voices ) - POOR BOY, POOR BOY.

- OUT OF THE FRYING PAN INTO THE FIRE. - PUT ME INTO CARE!

( shouting )

DOUCHEBAGS, DOUCHEBAGS!

THE TABLETS HE TOOK HAD EATEN HIS KIDNEYS AND HIS LIVER AWAY

BEFORE HE DIED.

ALWAYS SUCH A CARING BOY. HAPPY-GO-LUCKY LITTLE THING.

Sister: AND I'M GLAD. I'M GLAD GAVVY SUFFERED.

THAT'S GAVVY.

THAT'S GAVVY AND ME.

SO HE'S WHAT MURDERED THE BOY YOU WERE...

WHAT MADE YOU CHANGE.

NO, IT WASN'T THAT.

WHAT WAS IT, THEN?

SO MANY PEOPLE

HAVE HAD THE SAME SORT OF CHILDHOOD

AND EXPERIENCES AS WHAT I HAVE.

AND THEY LEARN TO ACCEPT AND COPE

AND LIVE A VERY-- IN BRACKETS--

"NORMAL" AND COMPETITIVE LIFE.

I'M QUITE PHILOSOPHICAL ABOUT THAT.

IF YOU HAD TO CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOUR LIFE, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

HOW MUCH IS ONE THING?

IT'S VERY EASY TO BLAME, ISN'T IT?

THE MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY?

NONCES?

GAVVY?

HONESTLY, IT'D BE EASIER TO CHANGE ME.

ONE THING ONLY.

THE DAY I DISCOVERED VIOLENCE.

ME STEPFATHER SAID

IF I DIDN'T GO OUT THERE AND STICK UP FOR MYSELF,

HE'D BELT US ONE.

FUCKING FANTASTIC.

( groaning )

WEAKLING GETS STRONG.

NO, THE DAY THAT I FOUND VIOLENCE,

I FELT 50 TIMES MORE STRONG.

AFTER YOU'VE BEEN BULLIED AND PUSHED ABOUT--

AND CALLED SPASTIC--

YOU LEARN THAT VIOLENCE,

AND THE FEAR OF VIOLENCE

AND MADNESS-- IT SCARES PEOPLE.

I USED TO DELIBERATELY GET MYSELF

INTO RAGES.

AND AFTER SIX MONTHS,

I FOUND I COULDN'T STOP THEM.

I WASN'T MAKING THE MADNESS UP NO MORE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, ALEXANDER?

I DON'T KNOW MYSELF WHAT GOT ME.

BUT HONEST,

SOMETIMES...

I THINK I'M THE CHILD OF THE DEVIL.

I LET THE DEVIL IN.

NOW I CAN'T GET HIM OUT.

I TRIED...

BURNING HIM OUT

AND CUTTING HIM OUT.

HE DON'T TAKE NO NOTICE.

WHY SHOULD HE? HE DON'T WANNA BE HOMELESS.

DO YOU KNOW THERE'S STILL ONE QUESTION LEFT?

- WHAT'S THAT, MATE? - GUESS.

OHH.

WE'RE WRITING THE BOOK BACKWARDS.

MMM.

SO WHAT'S THE LAST BIT OF INFORMATION WE NEED?

WHAT'S YOUR DATE OF BIRTH?

OH, RIGHT, YEAH.

WELL,

I AM STUART CLIVE SHORTER,

AND I WAS BORN ON THE 19th OF THE NINTH,

1968.

YEAH.

SO YOU'RE-- YOU'RE 33.

I AM 33, AND I'M GETTING OLDER...

AS THEY SAY.

AND I HAVE LED A VERY CONTROVERSIAL...

AND UNPLEASANT LIFE.

OH, YEAH.

- HEY. - ( chuckles )

BEST MAN OR WHAT, EH?

( mimics gunshots )

IT IS GONNA BE GRAND.

( upbeat music playing )

( radio jingle playing )

Man: ...on 96 and 95.7 FM.

Woman: And 1026 AM.

Man: BBC Radio Cambridge here.

Reporter: The top story this hour...

...the future of the Sangatte refugee camp

near the French entrance to the channel tunnel.

Police have now formally identified the man who died

after being hit by a train near Cambridge early this morning.

He was Stuart Shorter, a 33-year-old from Waterbeach.

The coroner has been informed,

and an inquest will take place at a date to be fixed.

( news continuing )

JUDITH? IT'S ALEXANDER.

( bell ringing )

BLESSED BE THE GOD AND FATHER

OF OUR LORD, JESUS CHRIST.

Alexander: WAS IT SUICIDE?

I DON'T KNOW.

HE DIDN'T LEAVE A NOTE.

BUT THEN, SUICIDES OFTEN DON'T.

ALL I DO KNOW IS THAT HE STEPPED IN FRONT

OF THE 11:15 CAMBRIDGE TO KING'S LYNN.

Priest: "I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD,"

SAYS THE LORD.

SINCE THE EARTHLY LIFE OF STUART

HAS COME TO AN END,

WE COMMIT HIS BODY TO BE BURIED--

EARTH TO EARTH, ASHES TO ASHES,

DUST TO DUST--

IN SURE AND CERTAIN HOPE

OF THE RESURRECTION TO ETERNAL LIFE.

THROUGH OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST.

AMEN.

All: AMEN.

( loud music playing, shouting )

( jazz music playing on radio )

( music stops )

Stuart: Hello, Alexander. It's Stuart.

HELLO, STUART.

You know, I'm admitting I've had lots to drink now,

but I can't help reflect

about my brother and my brother's friend.

And they didn't believe me.

And they didn't care.

The abuse.

Being asked to do things I wouldn't have thought possible

that anyone could ask of an 11-year-old.

One just head-butted,

and head-butted and head-butted

and head-butted.

The more you speak,

the more they disbelieve.

Nobody was listening to anything I had to say.

While I've got my drink inside me, I sit here

having mad conversations with myself,

talking about mutilating myself,

killing myself.

Dragging down those who are responsible.

I want to just lay down and die.

I feel so dirty.

I'm fucking awful--

hating and attacking anyone I get close to.

I just wish...

once...

there could be an escape from this madness.

Alexander: THE BOOK WAS FINALLY PUBLISHED

IN APRIL 2005.

I THINK STUART WOULD'VE LIKED IT.

( pop music playing )