Original subtitles

- Yeah, maybe.

- Cool, maybe I can like, call you.

- Yeah. - Cool.

- Yeah, you should do that.

Okay, here's a pen.

I can't remember the last time I did this.

Here we go.

This feels very 1993 right now.

- I can't remember the last time I saw somebody

use paper to write something.

- That's actually my pager number.

- Oh yeah, 'cause it's the '90s. Yeah, I got ya.

- It's green, you can see the inside of it.

- And then I'll call you on one of those gigantic phones

with the really long cord

that you have to like walk in and out of your kitchen on.

- Anyway...

Well, have a good day. See you around.

- Bye.

Oh, we can watch Spin City.

'Cause that's, you know, still on the air.

Oh my god.

- Did that girl just give you her number?

- Yeah.

- Is there something wrong with her?

No.

I don't think so.

- Huh.

- Hey, asshole, there's nothing wrong with her.

She's well-adjusted, smart, and confident

and that's why she likes me.

- Okay.

- Man you are really killing the vibe here.

I had like five seconds of actual happiness. Thank you.

- You don't think that was weird,

what happened out there?

- No. Stranger things have...

Okay, it was a little weird.

But maybe that means this one is different, you know.

Like you always see those old couples,

they've been together for like 60 years

and you're like, "How did this happen,"

because the woman is this sweet little thing

who you know was just smoking hot in her prime

and the guy is this like fat idiot with this ugly mug,

he's not even charming or anything. You know?

- So that's what you think this is,

the beginning of a long lifetime

of misery for that poor girl?

- It's called love. - Sign me up.

- I think so.

- Cool, me too.

- Tom.

- I couldn't find the book in any of the bookstores.

- Yeah, you can only find it online.

- Okay, um, is it still covered by financial aid?

- Yeah, you'll be fine here.

Books are covered by financial aid

if they're on the syllabus.

- Oh, okay, thanks. See you Monday.

- See you Monday.

Look at this guy!

- You have students, that's crazy.

- Yeah, it's just so surreal to be back here, you know?

- Not really, no.

- Oh, right.

Oh, how was your big camping trip?

Your-- what do you call it

- Oh yeah, yeah.

- Pretty good, I guess.

- Oh.

Did you finish your book?

- It's almost there.

- That's great. I can't wait to read it man.

You know, I'm actually starting to work on another too.

- Oh, cool.

- But uh, let's get out of here. Wanna grab a beer?

- No, let's go do something else

'cause there's a million things to do in the city.

- Yeah, let's go play a quick nine.

- Wow, exactly the same.

- Hey Rob. - Hey Carl.

This is my best friend Jason.

We used to come here all the time in college.

He just moved back to teach.

- Oh, just a bourbon I guess, with ice.

Nice guy.

- It's pretty wild.

- Right there, it's where I met Serena.

Remember that night? That was--

- Listen to this.

So I met this girl today,

and I don't want to get ahead of myself

but I think she's the one.

- Yeah.

- That's great. - Thanks.

Why does everyone--

Of course she's normal.

- Okay, just checking.

Can I give you some advice?

I mean, I am married

so there's proof I'm better at this than you.

- Okay, what, what.

- Play hard to get.

You get 'em? Keep it open.

- That's your advice. - That is my advice.

- Yep.

- I've never heard that before, thanks.

You're a master of female psychology.

- Oh yeah, I know it's a cliche, but it works.

You think I tricked my wife?

- Sorry again about the, you know, wedding.

- No, it's cool.

- Plane tickets these days are just crazy.

- I know you wanted to be there.

- I'm excited to meet her though. Does she like it?

- Eh, you know. She's-- she'll come around.

She's still getting used to the place.

- Yeah, she'll get there.

Hello?

- Hey, it's Rob from yesterday.

Oh, hi.

No no no, it's just...

Give me a second.

Okay, that's better. I can hear you now.

Oh, I'm just at this thing that's full of people

talking about how great they are.

It's really fun.

- Yeah, I'm at one of those things too.

- It's a banquet. - Oh.

- It's in my honor, actually, so it's pretty cool.

It's for all my charity work.

Is this why you called me, Rob, to lie to me?

- No, actually I was wondering

if you wanted to hang out tomorrow night.

- Yeah.

- I have-- I have plans, actually.

- Oh, okay.

But Sunday, I think I can hang out on Sunday,

if you want.

- Okay. Yeah, that'd be cool.

I'll call you.

Okay. You gonna take me out on your yacht?

- Bye.

- Bye.

- You said your dream girl couldn't come?

- It would have been nice

to make a thing out of a ton of friends.

- Yeah well sorry, you're stuck with me.

- Yeah, it's okay.

- Girl, what's happening? Oh my god.

Jesus.

- Hey. - Hey, Jesus.

- Sorry, I had two flats.

How long have you been here?

- 10 minutes, which is way too long

to be a stranger in someone's house.

- I think she's hiding in the bathroom.

That's smart.

- Yeah, she's crashing up there.

- Oh my God.

That girl I met

- Be cool.

What does that mean?

- I don't know.

- 'sup.

- Hey, hi.

What's going on?

- This is my wife, Emily.

- Hi, I'm Emily. So nice to finally meet you.

I've heard so much about you.

- Yeah, so have I.

- You two are off to a terrible start.

- Rob saw this girl he just met who he's obsessed with.

- I wouldn't say obsessed.

- Sorry, completely in love with.

So, where is she?

- Uh...

That's her over there, eating a ton of food.

- Oh yeah, she's cute.

Was she wearing pigtails when you met her?

Rob has like a fetish for pigtails. It's super creepy.

- It's not a fetish, I just think they're cool.

- Yeah, pigtails are really cool. Everyone knows that.

So you gonna go talk to her or what?

- Yeah, I'll go do that.

- If you're just as weird as you are right now,

it will go great.

- Okay...

- Jason Mcallister. - Oh yeah, hi. You're...

- Rob Semeder, we teach in the same building.

Loved your book. - Oh, thank you.

- Holy shit. Have you tried this mac and cheese?

- Something just happened.

Did you shit your pants?

No, god.

- You look like you shit your pants.

- I didn't.

The girl who gave me her number...

Where is she?

- Be cool.

- She's here, and she's married.

- I knew it! Oh my god, I knew it.

I knew there was something wrong with her.

- Yes, you were right. Congratulations.

Stop celebrating. - I knew it!

- Okay, they're watching right now

so we have to pretend that we're flirting.

You want me to flirt with you?

- Uh yeah. Yeah, please.

Why?

- Because before she came up I was talking about her

and he thinks that she is you, so...

- Oh, great. - So light and flirty.

Pretend I just said something funny.

Are you serious? What the hell was that?

- That was laughter.

- I was doing what you told me to do, I was laughing.

- Did you hear a joke while getting a pap smear?

Because that's what that laugh sounded like.

- Do you want me to fake like you or not?

- Okay, interesting.

So true, I'll have to check out that article.

- You don't read articles, come on.

Just, okay...

Is this what serial killers look like

when they flirt with each other?

- No, this is great. You're doing great.

This is very convincing.

Is it? Don't touch me!

Which one is her husband?

- You know that guy, Jason, I was talking about?

- Yeah.

- What's-- Have you not seen a picture of her, or like...

- I guess I forgot to ask.

- Jesus, you really need to stop being so self-involved,

or at the very least join Facebook.

- Okay, I'll get on that. I'll get on that.

What do I do in the meantime though?

Because this is terrible.

- You've gotta fix this as soon as possible. That's it.

- Oh yeah. Just think.

That is really distracting.

Can you just take it easy with the winking?

You look like you're having a seizure.

- I am seducing you.

- People wink once. They don't wink like 10 times, that's--

- Can you just do this

so I can quit pretending I find you charming?

- Okay. - Okay, good.

Hello?

- Oh my god, why are they coming?

Do they hear us?

- Rob. I'd like you to meet a professor in my department.

This is Mark.

- Hey, how's it going.

- I recognize you. You work at Satchels.

- Oh yeah, yeah.

- Some good pizza. My compliments to the chef.

Which would be you I guess.

- It's just temporary.

- Are you gonna introduce us to...

- Well yeah, this is Samantha.

- Hi. - Nice to meet you.

- Um, sorry, I have to go home.

My son won't stop trying to cut my babysitter's hair, so...

- Oh, good luck with that. - Thank you.

Call me. - Will do.

So, who are you here with

- You were happy when you found out

your book was going to be released in hardcover, right?

- Yeah, I was glad they thought I was selling copies.

- No, but besides the money.

Hardcovers, they're durable, they last.

They come with this feeling of:

this thing that I created that I put my everything into

might still be around and mean something

in 10 years, or 100.

Paperbacks don't have that, they're disposable,

you know, forgettable.

Doesn't mean they can't be a good read or anything.

- Well I'm sorry that I have to play the role of

the old lady party pooper, but I'm exhausted sweetie.

Do you think we can head home? - Yeah, let's all head home.

- Oh come on, it's only 10:30.

- Rob, why don't you walk Emily home?

- No. No no no.

- I mean, if you're both ready to go

it will give you a chance to get to know each other.

I mean, you barely talked all night.

- It's probably in opposite directions.

- No no, we're on the way for him.

It's really no inconvenience at all, right Rob?

You can do that.

- I don't uh-- I don't want to.

What's the matter with you? Be a gentleman.

- I don't want to be a gentleman.

- Walk my wife home! - All right, fine!

- Thank you! Jesus!

- Thank you honey. Thank you very much.

- Are you trying to come up with

some of your clever small talk?

- No, okay, I only go through the trouble

of being clever with girls I'm trying to sleep with.

Please don't respond to that.

- Hey, I'm surprised too.

- Oh, good. I feel better.

- Look, I am aware that this is terrible.

- Well one of us has known

that you were married the whole time.

By the way, where's your wedding ring?

- I don't like rings.

- Why, because they remind you of sacred vows?

- Hey, I haven't been very happy lately

and I engaged in some harmless flirting,

or at least I told myself that that's what it was.

- How could you not be happy with Jason? He's the best.

I mean, he's Jason.

- You're not married to him, okay.

Things are just complicated with us right now.

- So what, you just go cheat on him

with the first hot guy you meet?

- Oh, okay. I think cheating

is a pretty hefty accusation there.

- Well what would have happened

if I didn't see you tonight?

- I don't know, okay. Honestly I have no idea.

Really it's-- It's been freaking me out. But...

I'm being truthful with you.

I felt something,

when we met, something that I haven't felt in a long time,

something real.

I mean didn't you?

- Maybe.

- I don't know, I saw you and I liked you.

I liked that you were sweating

and you didn't know what you were doing,

and you have no direction.

- Okay, stop telling me what you like about me.

- I just...

I know that you and I are the same.

You and I aren't like Jason and that professor.

You're not gonna sit around

and talk about how amazing our book is.

I mean you and I aren't gonna do anything with our lives.

- No, of course not.

- Oh, well I--

You said that whole thing on the phone

and I thought that you were being serious about--

- I thought that we were being quippy.

- Oh.

- Whatever. Look, you can't think that.

Everybody can do something great

with their lives if they try.

- Man, when we were on the phone I thought you were kidding.

- Look, I know things got weird.

You were right. I was wrong.

I don't know what I was thinking.

- Good. Good.

- So...

You're not obsessed with me then?

- That's funny. That's very funny.

This is an awesome night.

- All right, well thank you so much for walking me home.

I appreciate it, and I...

I owe you one.

You're not gonna do it anymore?

- No, of course not. He's my best friend.

- Okay, I'm making sure because this is actually

the worst thing that you have the capacity to do.

- I can do a lot of terrible things if I wanted to.

- No you couldn't. - Of course I could.

Are you serious?

- I could kill a guy, if he pissed me off enough.

- You are such a pussy. You could not kill a man.

You'd be like crying, "I'm so sorry.

"I scraped you. I didn't mean to."

- I will rob this place right now.

- Yeah.

- First of all, you can't afford a gun.

Second of all, it would be the only robbery in history

where the person with the gun is the one pissing himself.

- Give me your wallet. Give me your wallet.

- Get off me.

- I'm gonna think of something.

- I'm sure you will.

Fucking idiot.

- Um, nothing. Just reading.

What?

- Uh, the Bible. - All right.

So what are you doing tonight?

I'm still trying to sell Emily on this place

so I wanted to take her out.

- Uh, I don't know. I'm pretty busy.

Doing what?

- Uh, I'm uh...

Filing... - So not busy at all.

Cool. Your place at 8:00? - Sure.

- Okay, great. See you then.

- Hey. - Hey.

We were just pregaming a little.

- Yeah, we live in a college town. Learn to use the lingo.

Want a drink? - No, that's okay.

I've been pregaming for the past seven years.

- Okay, well let's just go then.

- Okay.

- Oh, she loves this shitty band.

Rob loves this band too.

You ready to dance, little man?

- I think I hurt my leg, actually.

- Yeah.

- Would you stop being yourself for a little?

I'm trying to show her this town doesn't suck.

- Okay, sorry.

- Whatever she wants to do tonight

let's just go with, all right?

- What do I look like I'm doing.

- Okay, great.

- Want another round? It's on me.

- That'd be nice. - Cool.

- I'm really sorry.

- Yep, I got you. It's cool.

- Man, I was killing it tonight!

Ahh!

So, who's a better dancer, me or Rob?

- I think you both lose.

- This has been a lot of fun, guys.

Well, good night.

- Good night.

- Ah, got it.

In you go my sweet.

Thanks again. I think she really had fun.

Let's do it more often.

- Cool.

- You're kneading that dough like somebody who just realized

they're gonna spend the rest of their life making pizza.

What's up with you?

- Nothing. Life rocks.

- Oh no. You still like her, don't you?

- Yes, okay! It's worse now actually.

Like I was right about her. We would be perfect together.

- Except for the fact

that she's married to your best friend, right?

- This blows.

I'm depressed, can't sleep.

- All right, just stick it out man.

Take it from somebody with experience. Not worth it.

Paragon publishing.

- Hi, my name is Rob Donling.

I was wondering if you'd gotten a manuscript

I'd mailed to you.

Was it sent through a literary agency?

- Um, I don't think so. I mailed it from my house.

Sir, like every other publishing house

we do not take unsolicited material.

You'll need to find an agency to submit on your behalf.

- Oh, um, okay.

Can you mail it back to me?

Kinko's is really expensive.

I'm sorry, but the company has a policy

to dispose of all unsolicited materials.

We probably threw it in the trash.

Is there anything else I can do for you?

Are you still there? - Yeah, I'm still here.

- You're gonna love this, Em.

We used to go tubing all the time in the summer. Right man?

- Yep.

- Hey how's everything going with that girl?

You still seeing her?

- I don't know, things have been kind of weird lately.

- Sorry. I heard women with kids could be tough.

Don't worry.

Whatever's meant to happen will.

They don't have this in Queens, do they?

- I said, they don't have-- Nevermind.

Hey man, can I tell you something really quick?

- Yeah, what's up.

- I just, I gotta get it off my chest.

I don't know if it's working out with her.

- I know we seem like we're good

but we got married too young.

Do you know the divorce rate

for couples our age is like 80%?

We don't feel like one of those great couples anymore.

You know, like all of a sudden

we're eating dinner with nothing to talk about.

- I don't know.

I've just been thinking about it for a while.

What'd you say?

- I said, "They don't have this in Queens, huh?"

- Oh no.

- Hey guys, I gotta go to the bathroom real quick.

So let me do that, I'll grab the car,

and I'll come get you guys. Cool?

- Yep. - Thanks.

- He was right, this is so pretty.

- Yeah.

- Hey so, um, I know it's been really awkward

with the whole thing with you and I,

and I'll be honest, I've enjoyed hanging out with you

but I get if it's kind of too hard on you we can--

I can put a stop to it.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Maybe that's for the best.

- Yeah, that's probably the smart thing to do.

Oh shit.

- This is the worst thing I have ever heard.

- I'm not trying to make you feel bad.

No wait, I actually am trying to make you feel bad.

- I know it doesn't sound great, but I've thought it over.

I think I'm okay here.

Are you so bad at having sex

that you make women wanna be faithful to their husbands?

- Well for one their marriage is rocky.

Jason said he was seriously thinking about divorce.

- So I'm just getting a jump on it

like when you preorder those Morrissey tickets.

- Okay, I know you might not understand

what I'm about to say 'cause you're an idiot

but when you friend is going through

something terrible like considering divorce,

the normal thing to do is to try and help them.

It's not some liquidation sale of their life.

- Well, that's why I'm checking out other girls too.

I mean maybe he's just looking for that one little push.

You know, I could give that gift to him.

- Oh wow, he is so lucky to have you as a friend.

That's really generous of you.

- Oh, so Kareem can give a guy an alley-oop,

he gets put in the hall of fame.

Me I try to help out my best friend and I'm a homewrecker?

That's what you're saying?

- Oh good, I'm glad that you actually know

there's a term for what you're doing here.

- I should have known you wouldn't get it.

- Because of your kid.

You're like happy. I don't have anything.

I'm almost 30 and all I've done

is just make a shitload of pizza.

I've never even really been in love. Did you know that?

- Just give it time, it will happen.

- When, is it waiting for me to get balder?

- Maybe you're just in some kind of

post-college malaise or something.

- Okay, I've been out of college for seven years.

I think by now we can safely call the malaise my life.

Let's not kid ourselves.

But with her, I don't know, I just...

I feel like with her I can finally do something great.

- Rob, hardly nobody ever gets to do

anything great with their lives.

You're just lucky that all the diseases you have

up until now have been curable ones.

Are you kidding me?

He's your best friend, dude.

- I can do this without hurting him.

How?

- The way things are going, they'll get a divorce,

Emily and I can fly under the radar for a little while,

like a year or two, and then when Jason gets remarried

all of a sudden it's like,

"What, Rob and Emily are together? Whatevs."

- Oh, good. At least you're being smart about this.

- Hey. - Hi.

You look nice.

- Thanks.

Nice pigtails.

Come in, come in. You'll catch a cold.

Where's Jason?

- He's at work. Do you have any roommates or anything?

- No I really don't.

- Whatever you gotta tell yourself.

Condom?

- Wow, we're just diving in, huh?

- No, no. Are you allergic to latex?

- No. That was very kind of you to ask.

- I'm being polite.

That was...

That was okay, what we just did, right?

- This is probably the worst time you can bring that up.

- I thought about it 10 minutes ago

but I thought it would kill the mood.

- That's romantic.

What time is it?

Oh, I probably should go.

- Yeah.

Jason will be back soon.

He probably thinks that I'm home alone

with a razor blade to my wrists, as usual.

- Okay, all right.

- Now I can hang out for a while.

- Oh, step aside pictures of my nephew.

We have a new champion.

- Babies are weird anyway.

- Yeah, who needs 'em.

- What are these, like self published?

- Yeah.

- Not really.

Hey, what are you up to right now?

Want to get lunch?

Why? What the hell's the matter with you?

- Sorry, uh, yeah.

- I'm near Flackos, head on over.

- Okay.

- Thanks man. I just had to get away for a second.

The school has been crazy. A lot of late nights.

- Oh, that sucks.

- Anyway, I wanted to talk to you too, about Emily.

- I just, I've been thinking about it a lot,

and I can't leave her.

- I mean I know things are hard right now

but maybe we're still just struggling to adjust

to this new life, you know?

- Uh, maybe.

- Uh-huh.

- I just can't give up on her yet.

- Okay, um...

- Wait a minute. I know that look.

- You thought you could keep it from me.

No, no!

- Yes, now it's obvious that yes you did get laid.

- I don't know what you're talking about.

- You know what I'm talking about.

I know when you got laid, okay.

Come on, give me some details.

- I'm a gentleman!

- You stop. You listen to me.

My marriage is struggling and I just spent all day

teaching a bunch of 18-year-old idiots

how to format a works cited page.

So you're gonna give me some details.

Come on, help me remember what it's supposed to feel like.

- Okay, okay, Jesus.

It was fine.

- Yeah, yeah.

- That's great. I can totally jerk off to that later.

Can you give me some specifics?!

- Come on, we're in public. What's wrong with you?

- Bet it was that Samantha girl, right?

- Yeah, yeah, it was Samantha.

- What positions did you do it in?

- Yeah, I wanna know every position.

- Uh, regular.

- Missionary, I don't know.

- Yeah I know it.

- That's it.

All you did was missionary?

What are we 17 and virgins

and don't know what the hell we're doing?

You did missionary?

What did you, sleep in separate twin beds afterwards?

- You know what, you're right, it's boring.

Let's just move on.

- No, we're not moving on. You haven't told me anything.

Was it good? What does she look like naked?

- She's a lady, god!

- Would you please tell me what she looks like naked.

- Amazing, okay. She looked amazing.

- Nice.

Pubes, no pubes?

- Why is that at the top of the list?

- Would you just answer.

- Uh, no pubes I guess.

- Emily shaves too. I'm into pubes though.

- Can we stop saying pubes, please?

- Okay, sorry.

It seems like you really like this girl, huh?

- Yeah.

- Well, good luck, man. I hope it works out for you.

- Thanks.

- Two numbers twos. - Huh, that's us.

- You know what, let me get this one.

No, put your money away.

- No no no, you've been getting drinks and everything.

Seriously, like, this one's on me.

- Okay, wow. Never thought this would happen.

I'll get the food.

Are you an idiot?

- Yes. - Yes you are.

- Are you gonna do it now, knowing what you know?

- Of course not. What kind of person would I be?

- Um, I have to-- I have to tell you something.

Oh, okay.

- This is...

This is hard to say.

- I know.

I love you too.

- No!

- I know it's not the perfect situation,

but we're in love.

- You know what, don't tell me anything anymore.

I'm too much of an accomplice already.

- No, this is not a bad thing. This is a good thing, okay?

I can finally have the life I've always wanted.

And what kind of terrible things

does that consist of?

- Well, I just finished my novel,

I can find a publisher.

I found this amazing girl who loves me.

It's finally happening.

- I think you're forgetting one small thing here.

- I know.

- What are you gonna do,

try and ruin their marriage since you're such a romantic?

Billy!

- No, I can't do that to Jason.

He's already on the losing side.

- That's really sweet.

Did you light this on fire? - Yes.

- That's not good.

Go, go to your room!

Go faster! Not a toy!

What?

- Look, Jason's not happy.

There's gotta be some way I can do this

that can help him too.

You should get him fired. That could help.

- I think I just found one.

- Serena!

- Hey Rob.

Jason is back.

- Yeah.

- Oh, you caught me. This is embarrassing.

- Well, some total babe told me once

that her favorite memories of New York

were watching TV and eating Chinese food with her husband

so I figured she can do that anywhere, right?

- Yeah, I'm running late. I'll be there soon. Okay.

- Oh my god, Serena!

Well it was nice bumping into you.

I guess I'll see you around town.

- Yeah, hopefully. - All right.

- Bye. - See ya.

Oh, there he is.

- Hey, sorry.

- Serena!

- Oh, that must have been something.

- Yeah, I guess.

- Did you guys, you know, still have that spark?

- I think me moving to New York and marrying another woman

ended things between us.

- Oh.

- She was pretty aggressive though.

I mean she's clearly hitting on me.

I'm holding flowers for my wife. What are you doing?

- Yeah, that's really weird of her.

Just to be clear though,

you don't still have like feelings for her or anything?

Like, you know, maybe she was the one that got away,

or your one true love, or one of those things?

No, I'm married.

- Just checking. - Yeah, thanks for checking.

So what are you doing tomorrow night?

Are you seeing Samantha?

- That's what I usually do.

- Well why don't we all hang out.

- If you two are getting serious,

I should get to know this girl, right?

Otherwise, what kind of friend would I be?

- No way. - Please.

You can get whatever you want. I'll pay.

All you have to do is pretend to like me.

- I don't care. Get whatever you want.

- No, I mean how much do I have to pretend to like you.

- Come on!

Like you'll probably break up with me in a few weeks.

- That sounds pretty affectionate.

- Okay, look, I've thought about it and you're right.

I can't keep doing this.

- Oh, you're gonna stop seeing her?

No.

I mean I'm gonna figure it out how to make it work.

- So uh, just to clarify, by make it work

do you mean try to find some way to make Jason happy

while you're still openly having sex with his wife?

- I'm close to cracking it, I can tell.

- Mm, you look like it.

- I just need a little more time.

You know, please?

- What are you doing with your mouth?

- Forming it into a smile.

- Never do that again. - Okay.

But still...

- I am the only one in this scenario not getting laid.

- It's gonna-- It won't be bad. It could be fun.

It won't be fun, but it won't be bad.

- Billy, hit the wire, come on.

- Finally, I'm excited to read it, man.

It's about time you finished this thing.

- Well I guess I just needed a muse.

- Mhmm.

Okay, well, this guy.

What a great guy, this one.

- Speaking of muse, Samantha,

just to prepare you, this is gonna be super awkward,

but I gotta say, Rob is not really known

for overflowing with joy or anything,

but since I-- or we have moved here

and he's been seeing you, it seems like you make him happy,

like happier than I thought was in his range of motions.

No, I mean, you could pretty much go from kinda bummed

to suicidal, so the fact that you're smiling is like,

it's kinda creeping me out actually.

So I would like to propose a toast to my best friend

and the girl who's made him creepily happy.

Doesn't this remind you of that place in Crown Heights?

- Oh, yeah.

- We went to get Caribbean food in Brooklyn

and the guy tried to get us to rent the apartment upstairs.

What did he say, like,

"We will just need to use your closet for storage,"

and we were like, "Oh yeah, sign us up."

We had quite a journey up there, huh

- Yeah.

Well, on that note, I have to pee.

I have that effect on women.

- So you two seem like you're doing great.

- Actually, without going into it too much,

Rob already knows, we were having some trouble adjusting

but things have been better lately.

She seems happier, and I dunno,

maybe we're in a good place again.

- That's really great.

- Yeah, that's really great.

You're on my hair.

Ow!

- I just want to say, before I go into anything,

that I liked it.

- Dude, you don't have to go easy on me.

You can just be honest, I trust you.

- Okay.

Well if I'm being perfectly objective

I have to say it's only pretty good,

and unfortunately no one cares about pretty good these days.

I mean, there are already so many people

who are great at this exact thing.

- Man, you really didn't go easy on me.

- You told me not to!

- I meant, you know, like don't gush too hard.

- I'm sorry!

I'm just telling you what you'd hear from him.

- Well maybe I can keep working on it.

- Yeah, you could--

- Do you have any, like, notes or anything?

- Yeah.

- Um, okay.

Well your protagonist is really unlikeable.

- It's an extension of me!

- Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.

And, okay...

The beginning is just too long,

and you're really heavy-handed with your themes too.

- Jesus.

- And that metacommentary you make on the story,

it just sticks out like a sore thumb.

Also your characters speak in cliches.

- Wow.

Well I'm sorry it's not up to your standards Mr. Hemingway.

- Look, it just seems like you're trying too hard, okay?

Don't get me wrong, it's very competent.

- That's not helping!

All I'm saying is you can't try to be great.

That stuff has to be effortless,

like you're doing nothing, you know?

- So what, you won't pass it along,

is that what you're saying?

- It's complicated. He hasn't been my agent for that long.

- Well thanks for being honest, I guess.

- Oh, and by the way,

I know you've been hanging out with Mark.

What do you think, I'm an idiot?

- I don't know what you're talking about.

- Oh, very convincing Jason, bravo.

Hey, somebody give this guy a Tony.

- Look, he's just a nice guy, okay.

We watch hockey together.

You don't like hockey.

What do you, fake it with him?

What the hell are you talking about?

You're acting like I'm cheating on you or something.

- You're acting like I'm cheating on you

because I hang out with Mark.

- You know, it's cool. Nevermind.

I gotta go, so...

- Rob, just hang on a second, man. The manuscript.

- No no no, you can keep it.

- Hey. Mwah!

Just a sec, I gotta go take things

out of the dryer really quick.

So uh, that double date thing wasn't awkward at all.

We should do that every night.

We should go on trips together, and wife swap maybe.

Did you hear what I said?

- Oh, shut up.

Mwah!

So, it's not weird to be here, right?

- No, it's great.

- Well you'll be happy to know

that my pubes are coming in very nicely.

- Oh, I-- You don't have to do that anymore.

- I don't know what I was thinking.

- Okay. Well good, actually, because it's itching

and it's really driving me crazy.

Well we have just over an hour.

We're gonna stay on the safe side.

- We should get like a picture of us,

you know, something nice.

Don't you think?

So we can look at it. What do you mean?

- Rob, what is going on with you?

- I think that we should start talking about our future.

I love you,

and you and Jason aren't happy.

I mean, how much longer are we gonna keep doing this?

- Babe come on, I don't really--

I don't wanna talk about Jason.

- Well I do. I'm tired of feeling

like we have to hide behind closed doors.

- But that's exactly what we have to do.

- Man.

This affair is starting to feel pretty cheap.

- Okay, well...

What would make you happy then?

- Well, I can at least take you out on a date.

- No, we'll build a fort.

Of course in public.

- Rob, I mean, that's kind of--

- Look, if we want to be a real couple

we have to at least try to resemble one.

I'm starting to just feel like a huge skank.

Sorry, I know I'm late.

I totally forgot I was covering.

Have you needed me?

- Actually it's been pretty dead.

Probably could have just stayed home.

- I'm home!

- I hope you don't have plans tonight

because I got us these.

- Babe. - Mhmm.

- That is so sweet.

- Um, I guess.

- She said yes!

- Hey, uh...

I just wanted to say

I'm sorry about that thing the other day.

- No, dude, it's cool. Honestly. I'm sorry too.

- Anyway.

What are you up to tonight? Wanna play Nintendo?

- Actually, Emily and I have a date.

- Yeah.

- If you're seeing him it's okay.

- I'm not seeing him.

We're gonna go have dinner

and go see this talk by this astronomer she loves.

- I know, it sounds like an oxymoron.

- I'll hit you up tomorrow or something.

- Okay, seeya.

- No, it was Rob. Just seeing what I was up to tonight.

!

- It's just the dog's.

- Do you know you live in this house,

that you're doing this stuff to?

Hi, this is Samantha. I'm not here right--

Don't put that in your mouth! No!

- Hrm.

- Robert.

- Oh, Dr. Babanikos. Hey.

- I saw that Jason is back.

- Oh, yeah.

- His novel is wonderful.

I assigned it to my students; They love it.

It even helped one of them quit heroine.

- Yeah, that's great.

- So do you still work at the pizza place?

- Yeah, um, but I'm actually working on a book too.

- Oh, well, keep at it, you never know.

Oh, but don't forget to check those commas.

- Right. I remember you saying that.

I think I'm gonna end things with Emily.

- You're right.

Jason's my best friend,

and it's not like it could ever go anywhere,

so what's the point.

- I mean, that's good, man. That's really good.

When do you think you're gonna do it?

- I'm gonna run over after work.

- Okay.

Well I mean, you're gonna have more time to write.

- Actually I think I'm gonna take a break from that too.

- Oh. Okay.

- Hey man.

I think Emily is cheating on me.

When can you come by the house?

- Um...

Like an hour, I guess?

I'll be here.

- Jason.

- Oh my god. Did he just...

What did he say?

- He wants me to come over.

- Be careful, man.

- What do you mean, be careful. Why?

- Because this could get bad!

!

- What-- What don't you understand?

- I mean this is a tough--

Dude, this is like, some intense stuff, man.

What do you mean intense stuff?

Like he'll be mad, that sort of thing?

He'll just be upset

and that will be the end of the intense stuff?

- No no no. This is like some dangerous shit.

Just take care of yourself, okay?

- Yeah.

- No, oh my god.

- No! Just be careful, dude.

- Finally!

What took you so long? I'm losing my mind waiting for you.

I found a condom wrapper and it isn't mine.

She's gotta be having an affair.

- I just want to find this asshole

and just punch his dick off!

- Hold on, maybe there's an explanation.

- What explanation could there be?

- I haven't used a condom in two years,

and when I did, it sure as shit wasn't sheepskin.

I bet it was that bald guy.

- Some bald asshole.

I saw them talking in the back of the party

and she acted all weird about it.

It's gotta be him.

- Oh my god.

- Yeah.

- Well I guess that explains the crabs.

- Yeah, I found out a few days ago I have crabs.

Must have gotten them from him and given them to me.

Bald son of a bitch.

And here I was thinking it was great

that she grew out her pubes.

- That is um-- That sucks, man. That's terrible.

I'm sorry you have to go through--

Could you excuse me for just one second?

I have to just go to the bathroom.

- I want to be an astronaut and visit Jupiter

because it's the biggest planet in the solar system.

Thank you.

- Very nice Tracy,

and you were right about Jupiter. Good job.

- Rob.

- Can I talk to you for a second?

- Absolutely. Excuse me.

- No.

- Did you want to be a pizza man when you grew up?

- No.

- Who would want to be a pizza man when they grow up.

- Shake it off, Rob.

All right everybody, five minutes of quiet time.

Please put your heads down. Except for you, Kevin.

- You have something you want to say to me?

- Yeah. Don't come visit me at school.

- How about that you're sleeping with someone else.

- Jason found a sheepskin condom wrapper.

Sheepskin. I didn't know they still made those.

- Yeah. So did I.

What did he--

Okay, all right. People find condoms in the yard.

I found it in the yard.

I'll tell him I found it in the yard. It's fine.

- I don't care what you tell him.

I'm not your confidant in this. This affects me too.

Who is this bald asshole?

What?

No, no, no. It was--

It was the astronomer that Jason took me to go see.

- Dear god.

Where's he staying?

I want to have a word with this...

I don't know, astronomer, I guess.

- He already left for France.

You're not gonna have a fight with him.

- I don't know. I knew it was a bad idea.

It just happened once.

I don't know why I did it.

I knew as soon as I was doing it

that I was making a mistake.

- What tipped you off, pubic lice?

- Wait, is that what that itching is?

- Yeah. Tell him thanks for me too.

- Wait, Rob. No no no no. That's not possible.

I was with him yesterday.

You gave me crabs.

- There's no other explanation for it.

God, I must have given them to Jason then.

Why would you ask me to grow back in my pubic hair

when you have crabs?

- Well, let's not get distracted from the real issue here.

- That's not as big of a thing! This is bigger!

Crabs happen.

I can't believe you would cheat on me.

I thought you were the mistress.

All right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I've gotta go.

I'm gonna go back in there

and pretend I'm not a teacher with crabs.

All right guys, heads back up.

Is there not a male equivalent to that?

- That's not really the point.

- Well then that's the first time since high school

I've been called mister.

- Well you are the...

- She was right.

Some people just can't do anything special with their lives.

The only thing I seem to be great at doing is nothing,

just wasting my potential as a human shield.

I thought I could find it with her, but...

- You'll find it.

You'll find it with somebody

that you don't have to break a commandment to be with.

- Yeah. I promise.

What are you doing?

- I don't know. I'm upset.

- It's okay.

Do you want a juice?

- Yeah.

- I was talking to the kid, but okay.

- Hey man. Can I stay here tonight?

- Yeah. Yeah, of course.

Uh, come on in.

- I just had to get out of there, clear my head.

- It's cool.

You didn't try to stay with anyone else first?

Like who? - I don't know.

So do you want a drink?

I have a water, or this guy gave me a keg to finish off.

- That's okay. Thanks though.

You're a good friend.

- Okay, you don't have to say that.

- No, really. You're a good friend.

- Okay, just chill out.

So did you talk to her?

- Yeah, we got into a fight.

A big one, and I stormed out.

She swears she didn't do it.

I just don't know what to think.

I mean, I know she's a flirt, but to think that she...

What do you mean?

- I'm not an idiot.

I see the way she talks to other men.

It's the same way she used to talk to me.

You never noticed that about her?

- I guess I missed it.

- Anyway, thanks for letting me crash.

It should just be for a couple days.

- Uh, actually, Samantha's kid peed on this couch.

Like all on it.

- Okay, so, that's gross.

I guess I'll just sleep on the...

- Why don't you take my bed and I'll sleep on the floor.

- No, I'm not gonna kick you out of your own bed.

- It's the least I can do. Really.

- No, seriously. We'll figure something else out.

How about I use your bed?

- I'll try not to give you a handjob.

Hey man, you awake? - Yeah.

- I lied about the handjob. - Awesome.

- Yeah.

- Well, I never told you this,

but one time we were at a party and we made out.

- Yes. Sorry.

We were really drunk and it just happened.

I feel terrible about it.

I know you had this huge crush on her.

I just wanted to get that off my chest.

I should have told you a long time ago.

- It's okay. Thanks for telling me, I guess.

Well, good night.

Hi.

I know you want some time to think about this.

I just hope that you believe me.

Okay, love you.

It's me again.

It's really scary without you here. Just really quiet.

Anyway, I hope you're just having fun with Rob

and that's why you aren't picking up.

And I hope you know that I love--

Jason, it's Peter.

I read the chapters you sent over and they're great.

Loved it. Can't wait to see where you take it.

Oh, and I looked at the other writer's book too,

and well, I think it's a pass for me.

It wasn't bad but it just didn't wow me,

and that metachapter in the book really took me out of it.

Calling it out didn't help either. But thanks for sending.

All right. Excited for your new one.

You're gonna do great things man. Talk soon.

- Hey, sorry. I've got class.

- That's okay. I've gotta wake up too.

When are you working?

- Like 10 minutes.

- Well you look great.

See you at dinner.

Hey girl. - Hey.

So uh, has Jason asked about me?

- Uh, no, not really. Sorry.

- Um, I'll just-- I'll have a number one, to go.

- Okay.

Hey, no, it's cool. It's on me.

- My hero.

- Jason isn't returning my calls.

I need to talk to him.

I can come by Satchels--

- My shift just ended, so...

- Well, I'll just meet you at your place then, okay?

- I think he's still teaching, Em.

- I know. I want to see you too.

- This is some heavy shit, man.

This is a crazy rollercoaster.

This is like a trashy romance novel.

Come on. No it's not.

You're right.

The people on the covers of those things are really hot.

- You've been a big help.

- Hi. - Hey.

- I thought about wearing pigtails.

Would that have been funny?

- Yeah that would have been awesome.

- So I've been thinking, um...

I can make this whole thing with Jason disappear

and get things back to normal.

- I don't know. He's your best friend, he's my husband.

And I still love him. Don't you?

- I guess.

- I don't know. I mean our marriage isn't perfect,

but pretty good, which is all you can hope for, isn't it?

For the record, being with you was...

Was really scary.

- Because I love you too.

And anyway, you can tell me to go to hell

and I totally wouldn't blame you,

but I have to at least ask you for your help.

- I need you to convince him to see me.

You're the only person that he listens to.

- After reading your papers

I want to share with you all one of the secrets of writing

that I learned in college.

You'll never be a great writer

unless you start putting your periods

inside of quotation marks.

- Emily came by. Said she couldn't get ahold of you.

- Yeah. I threw my phone in a lake.

- I wish I'd had a pack of gum or something.

- I think you should talk to her.

You know, she's your wife.

For what it's worth, I don't think she did it.

- She doesn't have it in her.

- It's crazy where things go.

I remember the moment I first saw her.

She was the most beautiful, charming girl I had ever seen.

She just destroyed me.

It was like she was my ticket

to some higher plane of existence.

And now this.

If I could just find out, for sure,

that she cheated on me,

I think I'd be able to leave her and start over.

I'd probably even be happier that way,

instead of not knowing like this.

Anyway, I guess I should go hear her out.

Thanks man.

Sorry you're caught in the middle of all of this.

Hi, this is Emily. Leave a message.

- Hey, it's Rob.

I finally figured out how to make things right.

It'll be okay.

Just hold off on talking to Jason, and uh...

Call me back, I guess.

- Billy, come on! Sister hates it when we're late.

Yikes.

What happened to your everything?

- Can't talk. Dying.

- You know, for somebody who rides their bike everywhere

you're in terrible shape.

- Hi-yah! - Ow!

Ow! - Hi-yah!

- Ow, get him off me!

- Billy, get in the car. Get in the car.

Let's go. Seat belt on.

What's up?

- I think so.

- Emily is who I'm supposed to be with.

If I don't stop this now I might never be able to.

- What do you mean,

you're gonna tell Jason about the affair?

- He said he would rather know than be left wondering.

I mean, I finally figured out how to do this the right way.

There are no, like, losers here.

- Well-- - Okay.

- No, I mean like, what about you and him?

There's no way that you guys can be friends after this.

- He'll get over it eventually.

Okay, well if that's what I have to sacrifice

to make things the way they're supposed to be

then I don't have a choice.

I mean, maybe the purpose of our friendship

was so Emily and I could meet.

It could be one of those great "how we met" stories.

- That's that worst "how we met" story ever.

- It's the only one I've got.

- What about the coffee shop girl?

- I don't know, why not try something normal for once.

You said she seemed nice.

- Yeah, she seemed nice. She's not the one.

- What makes you think that Emily

would even leave Jason anyway?

- From what I saw they seemed pretty good.

- Except for the infidelity part.

- Hi-yah! - Ow!

- Billy! No.

- Why would you give him karate lessons?

You're just enabling him.

- Give mommy a kiss.

Oh, sweetie.

He only fights the bad guys.

- Thanks.

- I'd say good luck,

but I'm not really sure what I'd be endorsing.

* Slip off my shoes

* They're soaking wet

* Just like my coat and my vest *

* My bicycles covered in icicles *

* I made my way back to your house away from your *

Why are you so sweaty?

- I'm in terrible shape.

- Oh. Well, obviously.

- Oh, good. We talked it over.

It was just a misunderstanding.

So what's up?

- I have to tell you something.

- Oh, okay. Come on in.

What is it?

- Um...

I uh...

You're being weird.

- I uh...

I was lying about Samantha not having pubes.

She did have pubes.

I just didn't want to rub it in.

!

Is that really why you ran all the way over here?

- Yeah.

- Okay. I don't think we needed to air that out now,

but thanks for telling me, I guess.

- It was eating me up inside.

- All right.

Let's just shake that off.

I'm glad you're here actually. Hang on.

Let me get something to toast with.

Not the pube thing.

Just hang on.

I feel like such a dork for making all these toasts

but there's just something

I've really been wanting to tell you.

Uh, god, this is dumb.

Um, okay.

So we've been best friends for what, 10 years?

And I really think there's a reason we're back together.

You know, you've just been such a huge part of our lives

since we moved here.

And obviously we've been having some problems,

as all marriages do.

But I think we can say safely

that those days are behind us.

And a big reason for that is you.

You really helped us through a rough spot, and um...

I love you.

We both do.

So, to you, for everything you've done for us,

and to a fresh start.

Ah, come on. Bring it in.

Let's get weird for a second. Come on.

Mhm. Mhm. Mmm.

There's a lot of love in the room. Can you feel it?

I know I can.

* I came here alone

* And I plan to leave that way

* But I find comfort in

* All of the things you say

* My heart unthawed

* And my brain unstalled

* Took time to comprehend

* Oh I made, I made it, I made it *

- Somebody bought one. I shouldn't be this excited.

- That's great, sweetie.

Let's go.

Somebody took one of those in the bathroom

so we threw it out.

- You son of a bitch.

- Uh, one.

That's not nothing.

- Eh, she'll tire out soon.

She's been crying nonstop.

- I wonder where she got that from.

Hey Rob, you're always sobbing uncontrollably.

Maybe you're the father.

Yeah, maybe.

* And we're bone prone to misery *

* But you still get drunk

* And wanna hang out with me

* And I'm at my best

* When I'm sleeping alone

* It's funny how time stops

* And starts on its own

* I came here alone

* And I plan to leave that way

* But I still find comfort in

* All the things you say, when you say them *

* Wanna hear you say

* That you came here alone

* And you wanna leave that way

* That you came here alone

* And you wanna change your ways *

* You won't change your ways

* You won't change your ways

* You won't change your ways

* You won't change your ways

* Way-ay-ay-ay-ays