All language subtitles for Modern.Family.S09E02.HDTV.x264-SVA.EN

Hey, Mitchell. Claire. Saturday morning.

Look, I need you to buy
Mom a birthday present

and say it's from the both of us.

Okay, thanks. Bye-bye...

No, I know it's not a voicemail.

I just don't want to
hear you whine about it.

No, no, no, those are for Alex.

I'm taking them up to her dorm today.

You know how stressed she gets.

She can always use a little comfort

from her loving mom.

Why does Alex get a care
package and not me?

You live in a care package.

Haley, put your face on and get up here!

We're gonna be late for work!

I'm saving up to get my own apartment,

so I've been working
at the club with Luke.

For Luke.

Kid's my best cart girl.

I deliver drinks to golfers.

Tips are good, but, uh...
it took me a couple days

to learn the finer points of the game.

Cocktails, boys?

On your left.

Is that Alex's old bike?

Yes, totally rebuilt.

It only took me three months

and two tetanus shots.

She's been dropping hints
about wanting some wheels.

Are you sure she didn't mean a...

Unicycle? No. She
definitely said "wheels."

Well, the basket's perfect for
loading up the toiletries.

Remember last time we went up there?

She was washing her hair
with the powdered soap

from the ladies room.

Alex is an intelligent, accomplished...

- You can just say it.
- Scatterbrain.

Sometimes, she studies so hard

she forgets about the little things.

I'll be at the library.

Uh, honey... aren't you
forgetting something?

Oh! That was close.

God.

I'm on it.

- sync and corrections by Mr. C -
- www.addic7ed.com -

So, this is the place I'll call
home for the next four years.

And because you're a theater major,

probably the biggest
apartment you'll ever have.

There are two things I want to
avoid my first day of school:

getting caught leaving the
shower in my aqua shoes,

and a tearful goodbye.

My classmates are gonna see me

cry eventually.

I'd prefer it be during

a curtain call.

I am Colombian,

so it's against my nature to
give Manny what he wants:

a cold, white-people goodbye.

But I know he's sensitive,

and he's having a hard
time leaving the nest,

so I'm gonna give it to him.

Good luck, chum.

Where do you want your espresso machine?

On my desk is fine.

And don't worry, Trevor.

We'll pay for the beans

with the money from our swear jar.

Don't forget... no coffee after 4:00,

or you get the nightmares.

I think I can take it from here.

Thank you both for all of your help.

Sure thing.

We will keep in touch, son.

Well, my friend,

you have just witnessed
the rare perfect goodbye.

History records but few
flawless farewells:

Oscar Wilde's deathbed bon mot,

Rhett Butler not giving a...

Damn it.

I left my white noise machine at home.

Now I have to go back there,

and risk ruining our perfect goodbye.

But you're gonna thank me, Trevor.

There's something soothing about
constant background noise

that... Trev?

One gin and tonic.

I hope you're not... driving.

Sorry, that's usually a
big hit with the golfers.

It was hilarious.

But I'm trying to avoid laugh lines.

I get that.

I don't want crow's feet,
so I never squint,

even if a cop is shining his flashlight

directly in my eyes.

Once a week, I sleep in a
wetsuit full of Vaseline.

It shows.

It was like meeting myself in 30 years.

Turns out, I really held up.

Good morning, Ms. Rappaport.

Oh, hello...

- Duke, is it?
- Yes.

Haley, shouldn't you be
getting back to your cart?

Rhonda asked me to sit down.

There's a rule against staff
fraternizing with members,

and you wouldn't want to make trouble

for whoever stuck their neck
out to get you this job.

Oh, I recommend sticking your neck out.

It's the only nonsurgical way
to prevent champagne chin.

- Speaking of which, um...
- Oh, here. Let me get...

Oh, no, no, no, You sit. He's up.

You can top me off, too, Duke.

I am loving this new smoothie kick.

I-I feel like I've had more
green vegetables today

than my dad's had in a lifetime.

What I love about your smoothie kick

is how much you talk about it.

Okay, if you're gonna be mean, be funny.

Aim for the bumps.

Cal likes a bit of a
bumpy ride on account

of I drove a tractor into
my fourth trimester.

Oh, that sound makes me so nervous.

Some poor family is about
to have their life

turned upside down.

Huh, they seem to be
turning down our street.

Um...

So, I-I know that they're...
they're heroes and all,

but a-are they sweeping
up or is that on us?

Okay, you know what? We're gonna have

to totally rebuild, down to the studs.

I'm distraught.

Are ya?

I'm not saying Cam
definitely set the fire.

It could have been
anyone who's spent years

searching for a way to justify
the remodel of our kitchen.

Are you actually accusing
me of starting this fire

just so we could rebuild
our hideous kitchen?

Uh, accusing, no.

but when you say things
like "hideous kitchen,"

it does make me wonder.

This could be the cause.

Most kitchen fires start in the oven.

Oh, my God, did... did
I leave the oven on?

Well, it appears we found
our smoking "bun."

Oh, she's been here all summer,
so this could be pretty rough.

Remember last time there
was a rat in her room.

She's a scientist. She said
it was part of a study.

Honey, it was in a cereal box.
Okay, time to be heroes.

Change a bed sheet, change the world.

That's right.

Oh, I completely forgot
you guys were coming.

Wow, um...

Oh, yeah, I'm so sorry.

I wasn't expecting you guys, so... sock.

Oh, is that my old bike?

Yep!

- Spruced it up for you.
- That's great.

I actually just bought
a new one, though.

Oh.

Guess you can use that one for parts.

What do we have here? An
electric mitten holder.

It's a rock-paper-scissors
robot I just built.

What?!

Its sensors anticipate your next move.

Maybe for civilians.

But I've been trained in the
art of sleight of... hand!

At last...

a worthy opponent.

Honey, I got you some snacks

that don't crumb up quite so easily.

I'll just tuck them away in this...

fully-stocked snack cabinet.

Don't forget the paper
towels, the paper plates,

and the toilet... Rock! How?!

Seems like you're doing
really, really well here.

Ohh. Uh...

Okay, well, I have to get
to the robotics lab.

But, uh, thank you so much for visiting.

Oh, honey.

Mm. You seem to be doing so well.

Shampoo.

We're so proud of you, Alex.

And not just because you've built

a nearly unbeatable robot.

Damn it!

Okay, well, uh... bye, you guys.

Bye!

- Bye, honey.
- Bye, honey.

She is really coming into her own, huh?

Look what we did.

I don't know if we can
take all the credit.

She wasn't like that
before she got here.

You know what? We drove her here, honey.

We drove her here.

Ah. Two mustards. No one needs that.

We'll just take that one home.

That is her new dress.

She was so excited about getting this.

Why would she throw it out?

Do you think something's going on?

Maybe... Maybe all of the
cleaning and the organizing

is like a... a coping mechanism.

Yeah, between that

and the muted response to the bike...

I don't know. You think
we should talk to her?

I wasn't even playing.

Boom! Damn it.

Gun to my head, my top three:
cheddar, Swiss, gouda.

As someone who has actually
had a gun to her head,

cheese is not what they're
going to ask about.

And now crackers.

What are you doing?

This is awkward.

I need a boy cave.

And don't get me started about brie.

Oh, there's no risk of that.

I'm not here, okay?

You put a lock on the closet?

That's where I'm gonna put Santa Claus

when I catch him.

Sleeping pills in his cookies.

Joe, who are you talking to?

- Ay.
- Oh, geez.

We dropped you off at
college two hours ago.

My God, even Haley lasted longer.

I needed my white noise machine.

Or did you need your
brown noise machine?

No, and I think I'm offended for you.

It looks like you forgot that on purpose

so that you could come back to the nest.

Some "nest."

Joe is taking over my room,

and you two think I'm a wimp.

Not wimp, just soft.

And very, very scared.

Okay, can everyone please stop talking

so we can salvage our perfect goodbye?

What's with the padlock?

Let me ask you something:

How would you like to
have Christmas every day?

Okay, I've put everything out here

from the kitchen that we're gonna need.

You know what? This is gonna be fun.

It's like camping!

Which is it... fun or like camping?

- I'm gonna take a shower.
- Eh-eh-eh!

Can't take a shower without
doing a load of dishes.

And remember... scratchy side pot,

soft side you, okay?

Cam, this is crazy.

What... What if I wanted
to make a cup of tea?

Couldn't be simpler.

Grab a tea kettle from the credenza,

warm it up on the hot plate
with the water that you've used

from the hose that I snaked
in through the window,

browse the tea on the mantel,
and then grab our tea cup...

Where... Oh! Lily, do our tea cup first!

Y'all need to move that
'fridgerator in your hall.

It is straight under little Cal's crib,

and the noise is keeping him up...

which is weird because he was conceived

in a slaughterhouse.

- But I thought...
- Just move it!

You...

They figure out what started that fire?

Yeah, they think it was the oven.

Well, that's dumb.

I turned the oven off 'fore
we went on our walk.

- You did?
- Yeah,

'cause I'm the only responsible
person around here.

Aw, dang it! Cal rolled
off the sofa again!

Oh, God. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

There's a small chance I
definitely started the fire.

- Mitchell?
- My smoothie was a little thick.

This is convenient. Huh?

There's something I need to show you.

Yeah. What is it? Over here.
Over here. Let's look.

It's a vision board for my dream kitchen

I've been hiding behind
your workout clothes.

Ah.

I-I-I think I accidentally, on purpose,

subconsciously, willfully,
burned our kitchen down.

Okay. I-I don't... I
don't know about that.

- Um...
- No. Let's face it.

Like Drew Barrymore, I'm
an adorable fire starter.

Hey, um... is this why
we never have any tape?

Yes. I'm a menace, which
is why you deserve

to be in charge of this entire remodel.

Anything you say goes.

Cam, you're about to feel a lot better

because

I don't hate this toaster,

and I think I can find a place for it.

That's great.

I could get used to this.

I have,

which is why I need to
snag another meal ticket

before my late husband's
fracking money runs out.

It's okay. You can swear in front of me.

How about that guy over
there, playing tennis?

He's in good shape.

Right?

No, that's a negative.

I want my guys' tennis balls

to be at the end of their walkers.

Okay. Uh, how about, uh...

that guy over there?

I think that's just an
abandoned golf bag,

but you're starting to get me.

You know, would you like to
be my personal assistant?

What would I have to do?

Apart from helping me
find a new husband,

it's mostly... hanging out, drinking,

going to parties.

I am perfect for this.

I have so many references.

Okay, uh...

Oh, what about that guy going
to play shuffleboard...

Mr. Voorhees?

Uh, he's a little younger
than I normally do.

If it helps, he always orders

from the HeartSmart side
of my cocktail menu.

- You are good at this.
- Mm-hmm.

Let me go give that
pacemaker something to do.

Haley, you're supposed to be
on the course serving drinks.

I'm busy, Luke.

We can't have people golfing sober.

They'll realize it's a waste of time.

I'm not even sure I want
to be a cart girl anymore.

Rhonda asked me to be
her personal assistant.

I know this isn't the
most glamorous job,

but... it offers more of a future

than being an assistant
to some gold digger.

Hello?

Hey, good news... Voorhees has a friend,

and he wants to fly us all
to San Francisco tonight.

You're on a good path here.

You're making money.

There's opportunity for advancement.

It's gonna be great.

Best hotels, best restaurants,

round-the-clock nursing.

You're better than her, Haley.

- I'm in.
- Oh, good.

The car will pick us up at
5:00, right after dinner.

Why do I even bother?

It's like what I say to
you goes in one ear...

out the other.

Mm.

Don't know about you,

but I am ready to live on my own.

Yep, it was a big responsibility
taking care of my parents,

but I left a good man on the job.

Come on.

Gloria, you messed up the TV,

and now I can't watch my program!

Remember how you told
me to say something

when you sound old?

Ah, never mind. I fixed it.

Aww.

Look at those beautiful flowers.

Where did they come from?

Not a clue.

Aww, you.

Joe?

What are you making?

According to this, an ancient beverage

enjoyed by sultans and scoundrels.

"Bring in the paper, make coffee...

pick up Jay's dirty socks."

Why are you doing all this?

Manny says it's my job now.

Manny was doing all these things?

And I was so happy that you were

picking up after yourself.

I haven't picked up
socks since the '70s.

Huh, all this time,

we're thinking we're coddling Manny,

and Manny was coddling us.

I am going to call him

and tell him what a good boy he is.

Gloria, if you call him all worked up,

he'll be in tears in two seconds.

What he wanted was a nice clean exit.

We have to stay strong
and give him that.

I guess.

I say we distract ourselves.

I'll go to the club, crack
some inappropriate jokes,

rank the astronauts, fall
asleep in the sauna.

Okay. Have fun.

I'll go shopping with Joe.

For toys?

No. For shoes.

I'm the one that is sad, not you.

Whoa. How cool.

Just stay focused, Phil.

Honey, honey.

No matter how realistic
these robots get,

I'm always going to love you.

Thank you.

Oh. There she is.

- Hi! Hi!
- Honey!

Uh, excuse me, that's a clean room.

You can't go in there without
putting on a sterile suit

and taking an air shower

to remove all possible contaminants.

They really are lifelike.

I think you should handle this.

I don't, uh... I don't want to overwhelm

our... our daughter.

Yes.

What are you doing?

That was designed to perform
cardiovascular surgery.

Oh.

I'm... I'm... I'm so sorry.

Um....where... where are the fun ones?

I didn't hate that.

Mom, what are you doing here?

Okay, well, your father and
I were leaving your room,

and we noticed, oh,

you'd thrown out that cute
dress you love so much.

And I thought to myself, "Why?
Why would she do that?"

And I thought maybe...
maybe you tried to wear it

for a boy, to impress him,

and it didn't go well, and
it made you feel bad.

Or, maybe I just didn't like the dress.

Or my thing.

No, it's my fault you yelled at me.

You kids here are under
extreme pressure.

Extreme pressure.

You fool.

Dad...

Alex

did I ever tell you about a
certain male cheerleader

who over-rotated during
a Flying Half Toby?

He limped his way back to his dorm room

and threw out his favorite outfit,

because harem pants are for winners.

Guys, I'm fine!

Why do you keep trying
to solve a problem

that doesn't exist?

I don't know.

Maybe we just want to feel

like you still need us.

But look at you. You
don't need anything.

Which is terrific.

You're our little superstar
who can do anything.

I'm not. I'm not.

I totally, totally, totally
don't feel that way.

Shut up!

Is something wrong?

Okay, fine.

if you really must know,

I've been kind of feeling
like an outsider here.

It's come to my attention that I may be

a bit of a show-off.

There's a proof in my advanced
mathematical chaos class.

It's been on the board all year.
No one could solve it.

Until one night in bed,
it just came to me.

And of course I had to put on my
best dress for my big moment.

Class dismissed.

I just never want to see
that stupid dress again.

Honey, people are always gonna be

intimidated by your intellect.

Maybe it's time you showed them
some of your vulnerability.

How have they not seen it?

I've been an awkward nerd my whole life.

Everywhere but here.

Sweetheart, here...

you're Haley.

Excuse me.

I know it's stinks! It's
a work in progress.

No, you, uh... just dropped this.

Oh. Thanks.

And, actually, you've got
nothing to worry about.

You're way further along than I am.

I'm kind of freaking out.

Really?

I built a rock-paper-scissors
robot, and it sucks.

- I beat it 8 out of 10 times.
- What?

Hey, if you're not too busy right now,

do you think maybe you'd want

to help me with mine a little bit?

Sure.

Nice work, partner.

That was a clinic.

Yeah, we are parenting at
the highest possible level.

Highest possible level.

You fools!

Aaaaaah!

Uh...

Hi.

So, I called the hotel like you asked.

Mini-bar's stocked with rosé and Ensure.

And I canceled the one reservation.

Who's not coming?

About that, uh, we need to talk.

Okay.

It's locked.

Mr. Voorhees was a little too excited

to hear that the cart
girl was tagging along.

I'm sorry, but I can't
risk being upstaged

by a hot-to-trot 30-year-old.

Kind of rounded up there.

Um... so, I'm just out

as your assistant, like that?

It's harder on me than it looks.

I feel really...

Go ahead.

There's a foursome on the seventh green

that looks thirsty.

Thanks, boss.

Luke! Luke, you will not regret

hiring your first male cart girl.

I didn't mention,

but I've been in a really dark place.

Hey, do you mind if I
ditch the kerchief?

Yeah...

might want to hand over your
belt and shoelaces, too.

Take a walk with me, Reuben.

You're low on frozen mangoes.
Put it on your list.

Oh, and get me a box of lady sticks.

What... What... What are you making?

I'm making one of your fruit smoothies.

Oh, Pam...

All right, I'm making one of
your homosexual smoothies.

Hey...

- What the hell?
- Oh, my gosh.

- Oh, my gosh!
- Okay.

Get the hose!

Get the hose! It's in the window!

Oh, Mitchell!

I bet that's what started the fire.

Well, h-how can it be

when that's the first
time it's sparked ever?

Yeah, it was the oven.

I turned that off. I told Mitchell.

- She did?
- Did you? I...

See, I feel like I'd remember that.

You let me think I burned down
the kitchen when you did?

It was the only way for me
to get a say in the remodel.

Oh, don't be so dramatic.

I let you pick things.

Really? Name one thing in
this room that was my idea.

- Oh, just one... one thing?
- One thing. Mm-hmm.

Okay, well, fine.

Oh, how... how about the blanket?

Yeah, because you said it
reminded you of the blanket

you used to lay on at
your grandparents' house

and eat your caramel
corn when you watched

Mary Lou Retton vault her
way into America's heart.

What are you talking about?

Are... Are you seriously trying
to incept a memory in my mind

to make me believe that
I chose that blanket?

Oh, kind of like you made me
think I burned down our kitchen?

Okay, whoa.

Why do we keep doing this to each other?

I know. Are we so broken that
we can't even be honest?

Speaking of broken, how
about a new blender?

Chop chop...

That is both the brand
and when I want it!

Um... okay.

I have a theory...

uh, that lets us both off the hook.

I'm inclined to be on board.

Um, we both can agree that your sister

- can be a bit of a bully.
- Yes.

I'm sure growing up,

the only way to get your way
was to be manipulative.

It might also be said
you grew up oppressed

by one of history's great monsters...

your sister, Claire.

Exactly.

We're not terrible.

- They are.
- They are.

Jay?

Hey.

I found this under your bed.

I figured you might be able to use it.

I mean, you don't want to be

the only kid in art
school without a beret.

Thanks. Since you're here,

you want to meet my new roommate?

Huh.

His stuff's gone.

Knock, knock!

Hi, Jay, what are you doing here?

I thought you were at the club.

You said you were going shopping.

I was...

but then I saw this little pillow.

Look... "Wake Up, Kick Ass, Repeat."

Isn't it so Manny?

Thanks, Mom.

So, you got your hat, so I'm gonna...

Look, if I didn't say it...

it's a big deal, you going here.

Good job.

Well, if I didn't say it,

I-I couldn't have done it without you.

What are we doing?

- We can hug. We're family.
- Yeah.

We are, you know.

We're family.

I'll try to make you proud.

You already have.

Let me in here!

Thank you for taking good care of us.

Well, that's what you do
for the people you love.

They love you, too!

Damn it!

- Damn it!
- There's no shame in admitting defeat.

You don't understand.
He's getting tired.

He's not tired. That's the point.

- He's a machine.
- Just once,

would you believe in me?!

As my wife, aren't you
supposed to be my... Rock!

Damn it!

What does every mother tell
her kid not to run with?

Paper! Damn it!

My hand's getting tired.

Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry, buddy.

Why didn't you say so?

Fist bump.

Ha! Loser!

No.

And still champion!