Original subtitles

Why weren't these in water? - How should I know?

Hello. - Hello and welcome.

You gave the signal? - Yes. We'll do it after this song.

Thanks to our lovely band.

Dear wedding guests, especially the ladies.

Now you should come closer to the stage -

because soon is the moment many of you have been waiting for.

The throwing of the bouquet!

Don't be shy. There's plenty of space in the first row.

Good. Soon the bouquet will be flying.

One of you will be the next happy bride.

Congratulations. - Thank you.

Here! - I'm here!

Here!

Was there a last-minute change? - I was gonna ask you the same.

I don't know those people.

Yeah, yeah.

What? An escape on motorcycles?

Can you take these off? - Be quiet.

No games. - Okay.

Hey! That's not part of the official program!

Let them have their show. They won't make it far.

Pasanen, you too!

Come on!

You've put a lot of effort into this.

The wedding waltz is supposed to start at 8:30-

because Vilma's parents need to leave early.

Minka knows your schedule, right? - Which one is Minka?

Our wedding planner.

You understand the problem?

You won't find happiness -

by creating an impression of love for your friends and family.

Those two might've missed their happiness, -

running after the wrong things.

Why did you get married?

Hey, you! Girls!

You're on private property. You have no business being there.

Who hired you? - No one.

You probably don't understand it, but love is not business.

It is in this case. The budget of that wedding is 120,000 euros.

Well?

THICK LASHES OF LAURI MÄNTYVAARA

When I was younger, I was surprised to learn -

how many gorgeous women my age had low self-esteem.

A woman can be ambitious and successful in her career, -

but emotionally her self-esteem is at rock bottom.

In my work as a wedding planner, I've noticed -

that every woman who's planning her wedding -

is determined and self-confident -

for the six months or year that the planning takes.

She looks after herself and is energetic.

But after the wedding, every one of them lets it go.

What's the point in that? - Exactly.

Minka and I decided -

to put our heads together and change this.

Scandinavian Geisha School.

Our core values are beauty, health and tradition.

Let's take a look at your Geisha Guides.

Go ahead; open them. We'll go over the contents first.

Yes? - I didn't get a guide. Maybe you didn't order enough.

There should be more in the back. We'll work it out.

Please share a guide with the girl next to you.

What the hell are you doing?

That went well. - Don't blame me.

I feel terrible as it is. There's nothing I can do.

I would understand it -

if you had a crush on someone who's hot for real.

What do you mean? - He dreams of the NHL.

He's a wuss who lives on protein yoghurt.

Why are you provoking me? - I just hope you forget him soon.

This isn't an ordinary crush.

Like the Germans last summer? Or the Argentinian sailors?

This isn't the same at all!

Shit.

Shit.

Shit.

Seriously. What the hell?

This shit is even more serious than I imagined.

Check his post. He doesn't talk about just ice hockey.

Look. He has deep thoughts.

We're supposed to save Western civilization from destruction.

Look! - I know exactly what Lauri Mäntyvaara posts.

"I just downed a protein yoghurt."

"I got an idea for... a lovely poem."

"Oh Heidi, lie down on the tussock of moss with me."

C'mon. - "Touch my hockey stick."

I'll never tell you anything again.

If you continue, -

you'll see my mental hard-on through my pants.

What's a mental hard-on? - What you have.

I've always thought it's good you can't see when a woman is aroused.

Except if you're really aroused.

But you can cover that with a tampon, for example.

Are you going to put a tampon in when you go see Lauri? - Ha ha.

Maybe he'll tape down his hard-on -

before he comes to see you. - I hope so.

This is the last time I'll help you with anything.

You didn't say anything about blowing up bouquets -

or kidnapping people. The wedding guests are still mad.

The wedding guests?

You mean all the wedding guests or your god Ari Rimpiläinen?

Is ice hockey worshipping a thing in your family? - Yeah.

Did it cross your mind -

that weddings might be important to some people?

Like, our parents, for example.

Your parents probably got married -

because they truly loved each other.

It's different from this commercial shit.

Yeah, but your stupid antics only ruin people's day.

You could offer an alternative. - How intelligent.

Henri, do you realize how important this is?

We're not protecting squirrels anymore. - I realize that.

I also understand it's not wise to tape your hard-on to your thigh.

Right?

Huh?

Hi.

Lauri! Heidi and I are throwing a party on Friday.

We'll have a sauna and stuff.

I'm spreading the word. Why don't you come too.

Sure. It sounds like fun.

Where are you throwing the party?

At my uncle's summerhouse.

You can invite your team. There's room.

Henri, you can come too.

We're telling you now because we just decided about the party.

I'll come if I'm intelligent enough for your party.

I know you think I'm stupid.

We're not throwing a party. - Yes, we are.

You wanted me to forget about Lauri.

I didn't realize the scale of this.

I told you this isn't an ordinary crush.

You have crushes all the time.

Hi!

You have your pepper spray with you? - No.

Mom and Dad... - One quick thing.

I just wanted to thank you.

I want to participate in your movement.

I was headed in the wrong direction. Look.

The whole wedding thing was Vilma's dream.

I had no role in it.

All the things I was fed... We can destroy it.

Let's start spreading the word. - Yeah.

I have friends who'll join us. - No.

This isn't a club you can join just like that.

Get going.

Satu and I will discuss this. - No, we won't.

This isn't Fight Club.

Don't wiggle. It's sensitive. - Okay.

All right.

The purple area is your brain's fear center -

and your supposedly clouded judgement.

Swipe the first photo.

Good.

Next we'll make sure you've lost your judgement.

I'll observe your fear center especially.

You can swipe the photos while I play a song.

Hey, what's that? - Turn around.

Keep your eyes on the laptop. - Okay.

Congratulations. My condolences.

You've fallen in love with a Finnish hockey player.

Good job, Lauri. Good!

Come here.

Mäntyvaara, hustle!

They're in the middle of something here!

You just ruined a tutoring session!

These amateur coaches have no pedagogical skills.

No wonder Lauri's been so confused.

You brought a mattress and this. - Yeah.

Isn't this too romantic for your style? - It's for you and Lauri.

You can bring him here. - Puhleez.

You were going to take him home?

Nice. "Ooh ah, bang bang. We're here, Mom and Dad!"

I bought you condoms. - Seriously?

They're in this mint green box.

There's also a lollipop.

And then... - Yeah?

Ta-dah.

A wall of moss. - Satu, this is getting creepy.

Don't tell me you don't want to bang him as soon as possible.

I do, but why are you so excited?

I decorated this for you because I'm your friend.

But you hate stuff like this. - I don't. I hate pretentious love.

You and Lauri are different.

This is what we're fighting for. I want you to have him.

Besides, Henri was right about us not offering an alternative.

I want to help you because you're my best friend.

Okay. Come take a look. - What?

Look that way.

No way. Is Viljami living there?

We should've let him join us.

He's really serious about this. You rejected him without asking me.

You'd trust him and the others? - Yeah. - I only trust you.

They'll get tired in a week -

of not having an indoor toilet and working internet.

They want to have an extreme vacation and larp a revolution.

Hey. Wait.

Like this. - "Like this."

You put too little oil.

Hi. You need help? - Yeah.

Heidi is by the water. She might need help carrying stuff.

I can go.

I'm sorry. I take back my words.

I'll stay here because... we're in a hurry with this bonfire business.

Why don't you go, Lauri.

Sure.

Your pancake is really thin.

I can get it.

Why didn't you go to the sauna?

So you don't have to be alone with those people.

If they're so horrible, why do you hang out with them?

Not everyone finds a soul mate next door when they're six -

like you and Heidi.

The hole of a gnome.

Do you have any idea how rare that is?

I'm sure you'd rather hang out with just anybody -

than play a console game in the basement.

You mean you're a loser if you don't play hockey?

In this world, yeah.

Henri, is the beer cold? - Yup.

Those are hot-looking pancakes. Can I have one?

Go to the sauna first.

Oh, the dude is looking at cleavage.

Want to put a sausage between her tits?

You want to go to the sauna with Satu and Heidi. - Who doesn't?

I don't want to see my sister naked. - You want to see Satu.

Or will your romantic wedding night be on the Yoghurt Cruise?

What is the Yoghurt Cruise?

The Seashore Dairy Company sponsors it -

at the end of the season.

That's why it's also called The Jugs Cruise.

Satu, are you coming?

The whole team wants to know if Henri gets to score.

Everything okay? - Yeah.

Sometimes women have these supernatural spasms.

Henri, I think your subconscious -

is guiding my hand with the help of hormones, -

as if it was your hand.

I can't control it.

Stop! - What's happening? I can't control it!

I can't! My pure body!

No! Henri, don't!

If I breathe through my mouth, -

I won't smell your masculine bodies.

Oh, you have a show here.

Is there an entrance fee? - I'm not even going to answer.

Smart girl. - Intelligent.

Ari, are you coming to the sauna? - Sure. Lauri's coming too.

We're going now. - All right.

I'll go to the sauna. - Okay.

Bye! - Bye.

You're floating.

I've never seen you like that. - I'm totally confused.

Everything feels so natural.

What did you talk about? - A little bit about everything.

Give me details.

I feel I'd be betraying his trust if I told you everything.

He told me some pretty deep stuff.

Tell me what you told him.

He did most of the talking, which was actually good.

I wanted to know what he had to say.

You did? Or you pretended to want to know?

I don't want to talk about this...

So it begins. - What?

Us not telling each other everything.

You'll be, like, -

"I'm in a relationship. It's a sacred thing."

"I don't want to risk losing it by talking about it."

Don't be a drama queen.

This isn't the best place to talk about it.

So, what's your plan? - What do you mean?

Your relationship might not progress -

if you just keep floating like that.

What are you going to do about the Yoghurt Cruise?

What's that? - I don't know.

This isn't the best place to talk about it.

Are you mad at me? - Yes, I am.

You know I tell you everything? - I do, but...

Satu, I have to take this in.

Can you please tell me what the cruise is.

Hey?

I don't know why I should tell you if you're not telling me.

You don't have to. I'll find out about it from someone else.

Why won't you swim with me? - Let's wait for Heidi.

We can wait for her in the water.

I'm coming. - No.

You asked me. - No!

I'll take this. We don't need Heidi. - No!

No!

Make the braid tighter. Put this in the front.

Will there be chicks on this cruise? - There always are.

That's why I want you to come. - Of course there are chicks.

You have to make sure Lauri doesn't do anything stupid this year.

Guys, I'm serious. - Yeah, yeah.

Lauri is a damn good player, and I don't want to ban anybody, -

but that thing last year almost ruined my reputation -

in front of the dairy company people.

Not to mention what it would've done to Lauri and the whole team.

I don"t ever want to see Lauri putting knockout drops -

into our geisha school student's drink again.

You don't need to do things like that to get girls.

Those girls are horny enough as it is.

Whew.

You fucking dickhead. - Give me your phone.

Heidi. Heidi, come here!

These guys have cameras.

You're not allowed in there. - Put the camera away.

That's private property. - Did you build this? I love it.

Where's the zoom?

I didn't build it for you!

I don't understand what you're after.

I wouldn't be here without you and your friend.

This is my dream.

This is freedom and the genuine love you preach about.

I'm getting tired of your arrogance.

I'm living my life. Put the camera away.

Now...

It's not worth a rat's ass if you think revolution means -

being on the rebound and fucking a geisha school student -

who's looking for a father figure in an old hockey player.

Hey...!

I have a good daughter-father relationship.

Hurry up! - I'm no boat taxi.

We need to work as a team. We have common interests.

Did you take Prozac? - Yeah, that too.

I had terrible insomnia and tremors. It was insane.

I wasn't depressed anymore, but I couldn't enjoy anything, either.

That thing with the bouquet was cool. How did you do it?

There were explosives in the bouquet.

I shot at it when it was thrown. - Cool.

What if you had missed it? - I did miss it at another wedding.

If you ever need help, just tell me.

I'll be happy to help you. I know Henri is helping you.

Yeah. But I'm not sure if we'll do anything in the future.

Or if I'll do anything.

What do you mean? - I guess I'm a little bored.

And Satu is a little out of control.

Right.

I'm also thinking about quitting for good.

Ice hockey, I mean.

What?

You're the first person who didn't start yelling at me -

that I shouldn't stop. - People should do what they want.

I don't care if you're an NHL star or not.

I don't believe you.

If I was a death metal drummer, would you like me?

I'd like you even more.

Jerk!

Yuck. - You thought it was piss?

That would've been just what I needed.

Is everything okay? - Of course.

But I could borrow your mint green box.

You want it today? - Possibly.

Lauri.

Is it true that last year on the Yoghurt Cruise -

you put knockout drops in a girl's drink?

What the hell?

Come. - Lauri, answer me.

Maybe we should sort this out. - What knockout drops?

Exactly. What knockout drops?

Everybody else knows what I'm talking about.

Right, Ari? - What are you talking about?

Women acting crazy again. - Yeah.

Lauri, come. Let the girls sort this out.

Is that my mom?

I knew it.

Stop being a drama queen.

No one's going anywhere before you admit you lied to me.

Lauri doesn't fuck around.

Threatening us isn't going to solve anything.

Admit it. - There's nothing you can do.

Right. What was the point of that? I know how to play that game.

Shit!

What was the point of that?

Dive down and get the keys. Or come and row us to the shore.

I'm not getting into that boat. You don't understand love.

Isn't it time you give up your childish fantasies?

No, it's time you give up pretending -

and start believing in something genuine.

Not even cold water will calm that girl down.

All right, Lauri. Let's go.

Lauri can decide for himself what he wants to do.

You're the heidi-kreisikesae on Instagram, right? - Yeah.

You think you're the first little ditz -

who thinks she can sabotage a successful hockey career?

Lauri's got an amazing support network, -

so no use trying to sabotage anything.

Support network or stalkers?

I'm not surprised Lauri is thinking about quitting.

Oh dear. It's kinda cute what you're doing.

But to be honest with you, Lauri needs someone with more class.

You mean, like, a geisha school student?

Shut up! Stay out of this!

We're going. Lauri.

Sorry, I don't want to cause a tsunami.

Hey.

You'll notice if your body is tense.

These weights smell so lovely.

Here's this morning's epistle.

Oh, you were too shy, after all.

Why don't we call things by their real name.

Sexercising.

It's no secret that when your core is in shape, -

you have a better sex life.

It's more pleasurable for you and your partner.

Many people prefer to keep these things private.

Ari, for example, is timid when it comes to trying new things, -

even though he's good at hiding his shyness in front of you.

I understand it can be hard to talk about these things at first.

But you'll see that when you deal with these things head-on, -

it's the only way to develop yourself. - Right.

He's here.

Here's the star. - You can sit down, Lauri.

This is the start of a long journey.

Remember to thank Ari.

The NHL is not only about skills. It's about contacts.

Minnesota? - That's where you're going.

Next week? - I'm so proud of you.

This is a big thing for our team.

You've been one of our top talents since you were a little kid.

He's starting to smile.

You'll travel on Monday.

Hi, hi, Heidi! What's up, blondie?

Can you answer me? Everybody on WhatsApp can see -

that you've seen my messages And...

I feel like I'm a substitute -

now that you and Heidi aren't talking.

What substitute?

You want me to braid your hair? - No, I don't.

Well. Tell me about your life, Henri.

What about the Yoghurt Cruise?

Yeah. There are cabins for either two or four people.

You want to come? - On the Yoghurt Cruise?

Yeah. - It's utter commercial shit.

No, I don't.

I also don't want to meet the idiots -

who go there and shake their bodies to some fucking capitalistic...

Well, who are you going to share your cabin with?

Will the oppressive dairy company be serving free drinks?

I was supposed to share a cabin with Lauri, -

but I think he wants a cabin for him and Heidi.

Oh.

You didn't know?

You and Heidi aren't talking at all?

What's the reason Lauri is going on the cruise?

Wasn't he supposed to quit playing? - No.

He got invited to Minnesota. He's three seconds away from the NHL.

Yeah, sure, he's quitting. Right.

We have to stop it. - What?

Lauri's mom just wants to ruin his relationship with Heidi.

That's not why Lauri is going to Minnesota. - Yeah, right.

Lauri's been thinking of quitting, -

so he'll be sent to some shitty American league.

That's over-the-top. - No, it's not.

What if Lauri wants to play in the NHL?

It's Lauri's mom who wants an NHL career.

What if Lauri would rather just be with Heidi?

He invited her on the cruise for a reason.

You need to take the kittens.

We have 15 minutes until the start of the game.

Have a protein yoghurt if you're hungry.

The mascots are on the ice ready to entertain.

Ari Rimpiläinen will drop the puck.

Here are our boys. We'll match each of them -

with a student from the Scandinavian Geisha School.

Joni Salminen, the top scorer of the season, -

gets girl number 17.

Next is Lauri Mäntyvaara. - Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Lauri is still here, even though he was invited to Minnesota...

We know what's going on, and I want to ask you one thing.

Is this what you really want?

You prefer skating here in a circle, -

or would you leave with Heidi now if that was an option?

Do you make your own decisions?

This is ridiculous!

I'm asking the same question from everyone here on ice.

How many of you play hockey or go to the geisha school -

because you want to?

Is this your dream, or did someone feed it to you?

Do you let other people make decisions for you?

Well, I guess we... just want to play hockey.

And I guess people are here to watch.

Play. - Let's do this thing!

Lauri! Lauri! Lauri!

Are you crazy?

Ari, use the other door. We'll hold her.

All right, Ari. - Essi.

Now what? - If you act like that, you'll never find a husband.

You can't destroy this support network!

Satu! This way!

Henri.

You're wearing Crocs.

Hey, thanks.

I've never done anything this big. My mom's going to flip out.

Bon voyage. - Thanks!

This is cooler than the Yoghurt Cruise. - Definitely.

Come.

Well, that went well.

Yeah.

I didn't feel like going home.

I was thinking of listening to the Mars Volta.

You know... err... when...

...a damn gorgeous feminist walks down the road.

And you're, like, "Her brain is so hot."

"And she's so gorgeous in every other way."

And you're, like, "Hi."

"I admire you, but..."

And you've read her blog and followed her on Instagram, -

and you're, like, "Excuse me, can I lick your pussy?"

And then she'll... No...

I don't think it went like that.

I was thinking of kissing you now.

Right! Such a cliché.

Now I understand what this has been all about.

What happened? - This sucks!

You just wanted to steal the show and bang my brother!

Where's Lauri? - As if you were interested in Lauri and me.

Stop pretending. I'm not a puppet you can use to get what you want.

Seriously. - That show at the hockey arena made no sense.

What happened?

Tell me everything.

When we set off on the boat, everything was normal.

Thanks. For real. For everything.

Then what? - He was happy and wanted to hug me.

How did he hug you?

What do you mean "how"?

How did he hug you?

Like this.

Okay. Your arms are quite platonic. - What do you mean?

One hand over the shoulder, and the other around the waist.

And your bodies aren't really touching.

If your hands had been like this, -

with Lauri's hands tightly around your waist -

and your hands around his neck, -

you would've had a better chance of touching each other.

Okay, so you hugged platonically. What happened then?

We pulled out of the hug and stood close.

Well, now we can go wherever you want.

Or not go. - Yeah.

We can just float here in the middle of the sea.

Why not?

I was thinking we could just be friends.

Oh. - Like buddies.

Yeah.

Okay. Sorry.

Yeah...

Why did you do that? - I just did.

You read that in The Geisha Guide. - So what?

You used a seduction trick for idiots -

you learned at the geisha school.

You're a fucking hypocrite.

You and Ari are just the same. You both feed people bullshit.

Please explain. - First of all, you're the one who likes tattoos.

And this isn't even Lauri. Who is this?

He's anonymous on purpose!

I don't get it. - This is your fantasy.

So you don't want Lauri? - I do.

The real Lauri, no fantasy.

He doesn't need to be a spectacle you tell everyone about.

You realize what you're saying?

You'd rather cuddle up to him hiding in your own little hole -

rather than fight against this hypocritical shit. - No.

It's just that for once, I disagree with you.

You realize how close you are to saying -

you'd love to be Lauri's hockey wife?

Would that be such a bad thing?

I wouldn't mind being a hockey wife.

Satu, I know you're upset, -

but you have to understand you and I are two different people.

I actually feel anxious when I'm with you.

It"s been a long time since I felt that you and I are friends.

I wanted to say it to you rather than fade away little by little.

We've simply grown apart.

You think I'm a different person than what I actually am.

Even now.

If your suitcase isn't full, these soft models -

are more prone to damage.

Oh no, we won't have that problem.

Our suitcases will be very full -

because my son Lauri will be moving to the US to play hockey.

He's going to be in the NHL.

If I were you, I'd remember his face.

That's great. Congratulations. - Thanks.

The people at the hockey arena gave me a hard time -

when I pulled up with my trailer.

You should've aimed a little better.

The whole front end has to be redone.

Can you hitch rides from Heidi for a while?

It's going to take a while before this is fixed.

Her Ladyship has arrived.

Did you just take a warm shower at home?

That's unnecessary. - Are you leaving? - Yes.

Just for your information, -

we came here with the intention of changing this whole system, -

not to help teenage girls in their quest for love.

The hockey arena attack wasn't about that.

Viljami, wake up. You were bullshitted, and so were we.

Weird. You're speechless for once.

No one's going to force you to stay, -

but you could help me with the next mission.

What's that?

We have to go on the Yoghurt Cruise.

Why? - Because nothing has changed.

The geisha school must be destroyed.

Nothing has changed? Ella and Erika are here.

Only a couple of geisha students are going on the cruise.

Ari is teaching the same old shit. - No, he's not.

I sent you an e-mail. He's selling the geisha school.

We're leaving now. Bye!

I agree. I see no reason why we should go on the Yoghurt Cruise.

What part don't you understand? We have to change the system.

We understand. But we don't want to take action like that right now.

We want to agree with each other. - You've accomplished so much.

You want to sit down?

This is unfair and also sucks.

Oh, sorry.

Have you thought about Ari's proposal? - No.

You could do more than paperwork at his new company.

You're probably going to tell me to found a new geisha school -

now that he sold his. - Right.

I remember when you weren't so susceptible to external influence.

You were such a good boy until you turned 16.

It was just a couple of years ago.

You used to fold your clothes so neatly in your closet.

Oh dear. What happened?

You were offered an NHL contract, and you wiped the floor with it.

You have trouble understanding -

that your role in this is as big as mine?

Oh Lord. You mean I should take a hard look at myself?

Did I raise you that poorly? Doesn't it...

You think it's good parenting -

to make me follow Ari in his footsteps like a dog?

You've been skating, wiggling that stick, for years, -

and you've been really good at it.

Listen. The first love always hurts.

What first love? There's no love.

Do you ever listen to what I say in therapy? - I do.

A couple of years from now, you'll understand these things.

Then and even before that and already now, -

you have to start thinking about what you're going to do -

because you have to do something... - Do I have to know it now?

I'm sorry.

Heidi isn't home.

What makes you think I came here for her?

Why are you here then?

The Rocksprint festival is next week.

I was thinking we could go together. - Oh.

Are you trying to get Lauri and Heidi back together again?

Ha ha. Could you stop giving me a hard time because of that?

Hi. - Hi.

Hi.

If I come, will we go as friends -

or not friends? - What do you think?

Couldn't we try to have something real instead of this craziness?

You know what?

I'm not going to have a crush on you my whole youth.

Oh. - You don't need a boyfriend. You need an army.

Oh vol. 2.

Well, I'll get going.

What?

Nothing.

I just want to say thank you. This probably sounds corny, -

but this was really important to me.

I never felt like I belonged to a group.

You probably thought I was superficial, -

but I'm happy you changed your opinion.

I'm happy to be part of a group where I don't have to pretend.

Did you pack already?

Are all those people coming? - Yeah.

DIRECTED AND WRITTEN BY HANNALEENA HAURU

Translated by Aretta Vähälä Proofread by Rich Lyons