Original subtitles

I'm so happy you picked this dress, Veruca!

- You look beautiful - Doesn't she?

You guys, I'm getting married! I'm getting married!

Not without your veil, you're not

- Where is that bad boy? - Oh, I think I left it upstairs

Don't worry. I'll get it

sis

She is so annoying

And so ugly

She looks like Karl Malden

I know, and she's gonna be my sister-in-law in an hour!

How are you gonna deal with that?

I'm just gonna lay down the law for Danny

We're seeing his goofy family as little as possible.

You sure he's gonna go along with that?

Danny doesn't say no to me. Believe me, I have him well-trained

So, tell us, what happened with Eric last night?

So, I told him if he wanted to stop the wedding

he had to speak now or forever hold his peace

And what'd he say?

He said he's never gonna settle down, and I should just go ahead and marry Danny

Did he give you a wedding present, huh?

- You're so horny! - Yeah.

I guess you could call it that

You're so bad!

It's the last time, I swear

Yeah, right!

Danny is so sweet and considerate And he's gonna be a cardiologist.

So, I'm marrying him and that zucchini in the middle of his face

His parents are disgusting, too!

Close your eyes when he's on top!

And your thighs!

Cuz, I'm so sorry

Yikes, that hurt.

That was me, Danny Maccabee, 20 years ago Pathetic, huh?

So, I'm halfway done boozing away my sorrows,

when something pretty interesting happened.

Oh, baby, you're like a Pop Tart hot and sweet!

Hey, mami!

You must play the trumpet or something

'cause you're making me feel all horny and stuff!

You dropped your purse

Can I just sit for 10 seconds and not get hit on? Thank you

I was just letting you know you dropped your purse.

- I'm sorry. I thought... - That's fine, that's fine

I'm sure you didn't meet the lady who gave you that ring

in a meat market like this

School cafeteria

How long you been married?

I was gonna tell her, I really was

But I didn't want her to know what a loser I was,

so I stretched the truth a little

Six years

Where's your wife tonight?

I stopped asking that question a long time ago.

- That's terrible. - My wife says I work too much

Trying to provide for her her shopping addiction,

and crack

Why don't you just leave her?

The children

All 14 of them

I just, I like to adopt, and I don't wanna stop doing that

You pooT QUV

You wanna get outta here?

And so I discovered the power of the wedding ring

The symbol of my humiliation had become a tool to get back on the horse

Are you kidding me? Snuffleupagus!

I switched my specialty from cardiology to plastic surgery,

got rid of the big honker,

and the ring became my thing

I just assumed after we got married she'd stop hooking, but...

You need to put this wedding band on a true heart.

This is a good moment

Yeah. Should we go make it last for a while, somewhere?

Okay, let's go. To your dorm

Sometimes I think about throwing the ring into the ocean.

I know how wrong it is. But I can't.

It's my Precious

Besides, being fake married is the perfect way to make sure

I never get my heart broken again

What are these?

Boobie bags

The women, they stick them in their flat chesties,

make them big

These are not the boobie bags that I ordered

What is that? It's like a syrup dispenser at an IHOP. I don't know what that is.

Come on. These, they don't feel like these

No... Seriously?

I just trying to learn

Listen, Dr. Maccabee would never accept subpar boobs

Would you please just get me what I ordered

and tell Omar that I would like a discount for the inconvenience?

- Yes, ma'am. - Thank you, Simon

- My 4:00 here? - Yeah.

Room one, Kirsten Brant. Don't laugh

Well, I... I had bad plastic surgery

Should've known this doctor was a quack His office was in, like, a warehouse.

Isee, lsee

Questions?

No, no. Just, please help me, Doctor

Absolutely. It's usually easier to do these things right the first time, but

What? You seem dubious

Oh, no, not at all. I mean, I hear you're the best, Dr. Maccabee

I don't know about that, but I think we can figure something out here

Relax, relax

That's relaxed?

Here, let me just pull it down for a sec

And I let go. Okay, shoots right back up there

- I'm sorry. - Sorry about what?

Oh, my God! It's just... That just really went right up there

That was high. You gotta watch that It's gonna get caught in your hair.

I don't know, maybe I should just keep it like this

It seems to make other people happy

No. But, seriously, are you available for my kid's birthday party?

- That's too much - I'm sorry!

Let me give you a hug. That's what you need first. We'll fix this

Oh, God! Okay, I gotta... I'm gonna excuse myself. I'm sorry

Ding-dong!

- Eddie's here. - Hey. My cousin

Oh, my gosh

Brows gone wild over here I'm actually digging it.

And what are you doing later?

- Oh, sorry, I'm kind of seeing anybody else - There you go.

Oh, browch

My gosh

Look, I don't know who you're seeing but whoever they are,

they don't have what this guy's got down there,

you know what I mean?

All right, Eddie

Yeah, it's a very good one. I should know, I installed it

You had a penile enlargement?

Yes

People really do that? That is hilarious!

See you on the 28th, Dr. Maccabee!

Dude, why are you telling everybody about my surgery?

Am I hiding the secrets around here? You don't think Katherine knows about this?

Katherine was in the room when I did that She held the magnifying glass.

I did. And the tvveezer

Real nice

Did you get a chance to try it out yet?

Yeah. I've banged it up. It's got a couple dents. I'm not gonna lie

- Yeah. - You did?

Not from a human. It's got... From this doll I made

Hey, Adon. Yo, yo

Danny! I am so happy you could be here!

- How are you, baby? - Did you bring any Botox?

I didn't bring the Botox. I brought my cousin, Eddie

Nice to meet you, Eddie

- ls this a Halloween party? - Are you kidding me right now?

You got a little more work done, huh?

Yeah, just a little bit, just tweaking, tweaking

Maintenance, maintenance

I just wanna stay in the game, Danny

I don't wanna hit home runs, just some singles. That's all.

You gotta stop, though, I'm telling you. Do you have any feeling in your face?

Just in this one spot right here

And then from the eyebrows down dead, dead.

Is that a car alarm?

- He's laughing, he's laughing - Oh, okay.

I wanted to go to your cousin Danny here, but he refused to do any work.

He didn't wanna put his fingers in the pie

It was getting dangerous. This amount You gotta slow it down.

Okay, see? That shouldn't be happening right now

Adon! Adon, Adon, Adon!

Ariel cut open his knee. It looks awful

What happened? Settle, settle. What do you expect me to do about it?

- It's bleeding. - You know what? I could stitch him up

- Why don't you go get me my bag? - All right.

So, you fell down the stairs, huh?

Yeah

Did you trip over something? Was there a skateboard there, or

No, I was distracted by something

What distracted you?

A girl

A girl, okay. Was it your mother?

O

'Cause she just looks good. That's your stepmom. I can talk like that

All right. This is lidocaine Don't think about it.

Don't think about it. Think about your face Good, good.

Blonde, brunette, redhead?

Blonde, tan, tall, rocking body

Nipples

Want me to numb something else for you? You're getting a little nutty over there.

No! No, I'm good. I'm good

I'm alive! I'm alive, everybody!

Good job, Doctor. That was really nice

The distraction, I'm guessing

- The what? - The boy was distracted. That's why he fell

So, I'm taking the rap for this

Yes. Your hotness basically pushed him down the stairs

Good luck proving that in court Wisengruber.

Wisengruber? ls that what they're saying on the Gossip Girl nowadays?

I knew you two would eventually find each other!

But be careful, Palmer, these plastic surgeons,

they really know how to operate

Yeah, all right, Adon. All right

I just don't know about plastic surgery. I mean, doesn't it always look so fake?

Depends who's doing it. I'm pretty good at it I'm telling you.

- Some of my patients are here tonight - Oh, really?

Really, really. Look around, see if you can find someone decent-looking.

How 'bout her?

The lady from Saw?

Fine. Who did you do?

All right. I hate to rat the guy out but see that guy over there?

You mean Sexy Ass?

- Before I met him, he was No Buns Bobby - Really?

- His back went straight to his legs - No kidding.

He'd go to the bathroom, he'd slide right in the toilet

I know, I know, that's really romantic isn't it?

So, North Carolina, how long have you lived here in LA?

I've been here almost two years

That's a lot of auditioning for you

- You think I'm an actress? - I guarantee you're an actress

Well, guess again, Doc. I teach sixth grade math

They got no schools in North Carolina to teach at?

My parents divorced

Had a pretty nasty one, actually when I was in the eighth grade.

And... I don't know. I got tired of picking sides, so

I thought I'd make a change and, yeah, move out to LA.

You came to the right place No one gets divorced in LA

I've never hung out with a girl your age This is nice.

Oh, no. Your first lie to me

You're good. All right

I've never hung out with a girl your age and

connected the way we are right now

Actually, I've never connected with I don't think any girl at any age.

See? I can tell when you're lying and when you're telling the truth.

Yeah. The second thing I said was the truth

I know

Oh, my God. That was the greatest night of my life

Yeah. This feels like it could be

I don't know, a real thing

It's a thing all right, Palmer

Well, I have to get to work

but how 'bout I take your number

and then you can take me out on a proper date next time?

I got a business card in my pocket if you wanna get that.

You better call. You better not just, just leave me hanging

I'd get it for you myself, but I don't want you to see me naked in the daylight.

It could be a deal breaker

What's this?

A circle?

A wedding ring? You're married?

No, no, no, I'm not, I'm not married

That is a... That is... That's not mine

Whose wedding ring is in your pants, Danny?

All right, listen, just give me a minute to explain this

Please

It's gonna take more than a minute

- I am such an idiot! - No, no, no, no, no.

Don't call me!

No, Palmer!

I told you that this whole fake marriage thing was just gonna come and bite you in the ass

Why don't you just tell her the truth?

You think I can tell her the truth?

Let me practice. You be her right now

Oh, good. Okay, hold on

Okay. She's not like that, but anyways

I wear this fake wedding ring sometimes

You're a pig

Sorry. You're a pig

What's wrong? You're walking really weird

My back. I slept on the beach last night God Almighty.

When are you gonna strengthen your spine?

Seriously, Flomax. You gotta work out more than once a month

- I can't, I don't have time to work out - You do. You can't say that, Danny.

My mother always said Cary Grant never went to the gym

Only took the stairs, every day never an elevator.

You wanna hear my impression of Cary Grant's butler?

- Watch. - What?

Hello? No, he's dead

Okay, bye-bye

That's good. That's funny

Mom, give me some money

Hi. How are you?

Nice to see you, kids. Please be polite and say hello to Dr. Maccabee.

'Ello, Dr. Danny. 'Ow is you today?

Is that my associate, Dr. Doolittle? Why is she talking like that?

She's been working on some accents

I am takin' an acting class this summer, I is

Gonna be the next Miley Cyrus, I am

How 'bout you, young man? Do you like Hannah Montana?

No. I like Californication

When do you ever watch Californication?

Rosa lets us watch Showtime when she calls her boyfriend.

Eat the mushroom! Eat the mushroom! Yes!

You run a tight ship at home, huh?

Dr. Danny?

Yeah?

Will you take me to Hawaii so I can swim with the dolphins?

Take you to Hawaii? No

I saw a show on the Discovery Channel

They say in Hawaii they have dolphins that you can swim with if you pay money

OKEY

But I don't have any money. And my mom says you're rich

- Michael! - No, it's fine

Maybe you should make your own money. Maybe a paper route or something like that?

'Cause rich people don't give other people trips

That's why they remain rich You understand?

But my mom says you do charity for kids all the time.

I do charity work like I fix a cleft lip or a child's deformity.

I don't take them to Hawaii I could get arrested for that

What if I was deformed? Then would you take me to Hawaii?

If you were deformed, I'd bring you to Hawaii but I'd leave you there,

cause I wouldn't want to look at you

Okay. Here's the money, and I want change

And I wanna hear back that you actually ate the food that I am paying for.

Mom, before we go, can I make a Devlin?

Sure. Down the hall. Will you please go with him?

We open in five minutes and I am not having him sit there forever

Bloody hell right, I will, Mumsy!

All right, Winston Churchill

He said, I gotta make a Devlin What does that mean?

It's just a friend of mine who was in my sorority in college

named Devlin Adams, and

Well, I wouldn't say friend I'd say more my nemesis.

- Oh, so she was a frenemy? - Yes.

You'd probably like her She's really, really fake

Always had to have the coolest clothes and the hottest boys and, you know...

- She bothers you - A lot.

So, one night, I was just having a glass of wine

- A bottle - A bottle

And I just got so tired of the kids saying things like, "I gotta take a crap"

I gotta take a dump

"So, I told them that it was called making a Devlin," and they liked it

And it stuck

I always call it making a black pickle

- Making a what? - I don't say that.

- Out loud? Good - To others. No.

What are we gonna do about my love life, though?

Oh, Danny, I would feel terrible for you if I had any

even the slightest, investment in you successfully banging 23-year-olds.

Holy Devlin, you're not listening to me

This is like not some bull-Devlin fling I mean, I'm serious.

This is the real Devlin. I could

I swear to God, I could see myself ending up with this girl

You're right. You can't tell her the truth

High score!

Oh, God. Sorry

I'm glad someone's doing good

You know what? You don't wanna get serious,

cause when you get serious, that leads to marriage,

and then marriage leads to divorce, and divorce is just...

I mean, look at these poor kids

You know, their dad was supposed to pick them up today.

- He was a no-show? - Again.

But you know what?

At least I got my head together and I divorced him.

Yeah, yeah

Wait a minute

You go ahead without me

Oh, no, no, no. Palmer, Palmer, Palmer, Palmer, Palmer

I told you I didn't want to see you

I just want to explain something to you

Let me explain something to you

I do not date married men

My father cheated on my mom when I was young.

I am not going to be the other woman!

Adulterer! Fornicator!

All right, take it easy, Damien, all right?

Okay, his name is Silas, leave him out of this

I'll kill you

What? Anytime!

Listen! I am married

But it is a horrible marriage. She doesn't even talk to me any more

Danny, that's what all married men say

If it's so bad, why don't you get divorced?

Am

- You are? - Yes! It's over

Oh, my God, I can't believe this I destroyed a marriage!

I really feel like I'm gonna be sick. I can't

No, no, it wasn't 'cause of you! I filed a long, long time ago.

We're gonna sign the papers in a couple of days

and it's like, she's dead to me

What's her name?

Mrs. Maccabee

You mean her first name? Her first name is Devlin.

Her name's Devlin?

Isn't that a shitty name? Yeah, yeah, yeah

But Devlin and I are splitting up, fortunately

cause I caught her cheating on me with another guy.

I didn't catch her

The television show Cheaters caught her and the guy.

And I told them not to air it, though because it's too painful.

They actually burned the tape so you can't see it. But I would love you to

There's another man?

There's another guy, yes. Dolph

Dolph?

Dolph Lundgren. Yeah

Like the guy from Rocky IV?

No, no, a different Dolph Lundgren

Apparently, if you bring that one up this one gets really angry, so don't.

Danny, guys always say they're gonna leave their wives

They never do

I'm telling you, she's happy with this Dolph guy

good for her. Now I wanna be happy

And the only way I can be happy is if I'm with you!

All right?

Just wanna be able to be with you and not be called a "fornicator"

or an "adulterer" or whatever that Children of the Corn kid was calling me

OKEY

Okay?

I just need to hear it from her

How about if she texts you would that be good?

I need to meet her

Let's do it

You want me to be your wife?

And you couldn't think of another name, other than Devlin?

I practically took a Devlin in my pants when she asked me.

"What's her name?" I got panicked I get nervous around this girl.

You got panicked? You who invents a fake wife every Friday night?

Yeah. Doesn't that say something about what I feel about this girl?

Have you ever thought about the time

that she's actually gonna walk into your office

and sees that I'm your assistant/receptionist?

So easy. I'm a plastic surgeon, you will never look like you again

- Snip, snap. Chip, chap. - What are you talking about?

I'm kidding. I'll get you a fake mustache

Oh, my God, you've really, really not thought this through.

Will you please just look at some clothes?

Look at that. I don't wear

I have clothes, by the way. I do not need to do any of this. I'm fine

Yes. You have the best clothes that Old Navy sells.

I'm just saying you gotta look like a plastic surgeon's wife.

I want to create the illusion I had a hot first wife.

- You're so. - Not this!

Okay, come on, let's go, you asked for it I'm ready.

- Wow! These are... Oh, geez - Nice, nice.

It's just been a while since I've been in heels, sorry

- Okay, okay. - Oh, gosh. Okay

Get there. Yeah, great

Oh, my God! These are gorgeous!

- How much are these? - $1,700.

$1,700? What, do you come with them?

My parents' house costs $1,700. No, no

No. What, did Mickey Mantle sign those? Why are they $1,700, they made outta panda?

- Walk away. - Yeah. You know what?

We won't really be needing them anyway

Cause I'm actually starting to

I'm actually starting to feel not so hot ls it warm in here?

I'm not sure I'll be able to make it this evening.

Very good. Okay, you know what? We'll take them.

- It's your Christmas bonus - Oh, really?

Okay, then I would like them in blue, too

In case a heel breaks or I just want to cuddle

- It's beautiful. - You sicken me

Yes, well, that's why we're getting a divorce

We're getting a divorce because you're greedy, schemy and selfish

Actually, I think you need to get the matching bag, too.

Yeah, I think I should

Thank you, Laurie. I agree

All the girls are sticking together Isn't that sweet?

She's on your side, what a shock

- You asked for this. Trust me - You asked for this.

O

O

Hell, no! No, no, no!

What do you mean, no?

No? No what?

No hope. Okay? There's only one word for it

- What is it? - Neglect.

Okay? This is the one word for the whole thing. Are you the husband?

I'm the soon to be ex-husband

We're getting a divorce

Well, you know he's not divorcing you He's divorcing your head.

True 'dat, Ernesto. Right on the money

Your hair is so messed up, I don't even Let me count the ways.

It's dull, it's dead, it's flat

- Don't forget smelly. - It don't smell, particularly

- Okay, I think we got it - You bad.

You is bad. Give me a little bit That's bad, though.

You guys, come on, seriously. Ernesto, can you just, please,

do something, so we can be home and I can get out of here?

Hurricane Katrina could do something, baby I'm gonna do something transcendent.

Katya! Yuri, Mrs. Hwiggins!

We going in deep, y'all

You seem nervous, Danny

No, no, I just... It's weird, she gets me very tense

I'm sorry to put you through this

No, I understand why we're doing this

I'm just looking forward to getting past this part of my life

and moving on to the good part

We will. Soon. Tonight

Good God, yes

ls that her?

I think so

She's stunning

I love her shoes

Yeah, well, she got about five pairs of them Maybe she'll give you one.

Henderson! Do you see Dr. Maccabee anywhere in this

There he is. Keep the car running, shan't be long

Hello, boring!

Hey. You went with a limo driver?

I'm just playing the part

OKEY

Palmer! Hi

Devlin Maccabee. Soon to be, single-abee

Waiter! Excuse me. Anybody?

Yes, yes. Something to drink, madam?

Well, hello. I would like a tall glass of you ls that possible? Meow!

I'm just kidding. Unless you're really into it

Kidding again. No, I'm not

We don't know. Grey Goose martinis, just keep 'em coming. Okay.

Make that a dirty martini. Okay?

Okay, that was a good one

Well, so, Palmer

I heard you and Danny had sex

Yes. I am so sorry, I had

Please, honey, it is fine

I'm just happy to hear that his thing-a-ding can still ring-a-ding.

'Cause he's got a serious small issue

with ED. Over here

OKEY

What's ED? I don"[

Oh, gosh. I forgot. You're fifteen

Erectile dysfunction, my darling

Think about it as if you're trying to throw darts and you just

All you really got, you're shooting with like, overcooked spaghetti.

Okay. Yeah

I just think that my spaghetti wasn't loving the meatballs that was being served.

They were a little too lumpy

I've heard from a lot of men that I serve the finest meatballs in Southern California

Of course. A lot of homeless men have said this

They'll eat anything, you know

I'm just very shocked that you remember anybody you've ever been with.

With all the pills that are in your system

She likes the pills, this one

At night I come home, "What's for dinner?'"

Well, we have purple pills, and the green ones

"and some lovely yellow bombers I just took out of the oven."

Remember that?

I had to do something to amuse myself

while this one sat on the throne for hours dealing with his irritable bowel syndrome.

I got another disease. Okay

Can I tell you, I spent the eve of our wedding sitting on the bed,

listening to what sounded like an underwater symphony,

of French horns and bassoons coming out of our hotel bathroom

Mix that with the smell of like a dead cat and some fajitas

and you've got what you call yourself a severely diminished libido.

Did you just kick me?

No. Did you? You kicked her? Why'd you kick her?

Yeah, I don't... l... Yes. I... I have leg spasms

It's a side effect. Terrible side effect from all the pill popping

But, you know, it's all better now. I'm clean and sober and I apologize

It's okay

Thirteenth step, right there. Back to drinking

Henderson, you thoughtless oaf stop texting, open that door.

- Why do you keep calling me Henderson? - Just go with it.

Palmer, so lovely to meet you

Likewise, really

I mean, look at you two

- I mean, it's like, Barbie and - Yes.

Grandpa Ken

I mean... And even though it did not work out between us at all...

It's like it never happened. You know?

It really isn't

- I still want my Danny to be happy - Oh, look at that.

Happy, happy, happy

- Good night, kiddo - Okay.

Hello

It's her drug dealer I'm thinking

Okay, please put her on the phone right now

Are you kidding me, honey?

You know how I feel about you selling your brother's stuff on eBay

Hey, hey, hey. Take that in the car

No. It's okay

I will deal with you when I get home, young lady. Okay

I mean, you would think

You have kids?

You have... You have children?

We have sort of a little bit... A little bit of children, right?

When were you planning on telling me about these children, Danny?

I don't know, but listen, I have to go get to those little munchkins

Palmer, so nice, seriously

Danny

No, no, no, hey, hey

OKEY

Are you freaked out right now about all this or...

Actually, just the opposite

The opposite of freaked out? What do you mean? Good?

- You know that I love kids - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just never pegged you as a kids guy

I'm a huge kids guy. I love kids Kids, kids, kids. ls...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's my thing That's my bumper sticker.

What are their names?

What are their names again? There is

the girl who, of course, is Kiki Dee

And then the boy's name's Bart

Which of course is short for Barto

Well, I wanna meet them!

Of course you do

So our mom doesn't know that you took us today?

Not yet

You know this is kidnapping

Stranger danger

What? No

ls the guy from Dateline NBC gonna walk in?

No! I know you two a long time and Rosa's here

Doing whatever that Rosa does

- God, she's freaky - Yeah.

So here's the deal

How would you like to be my pretend children for one afternoon?

Why don't you just tell that poor girl the truth?

You know?

Our mother tells us everything Wedding ring boy.

- What? - Oh, my goodness!

Did you see Gossip Girl last night? It was so good!

No, she's not like that

Your mother's presenting her in a weird, weird way.

I'm just saying, telling the truth is not in the cards right now.

I thought you'd be excited to have an acting job.

If it's an acting job, we should get paid

Yeah, you're gonna get paid in experience

I wanna actually get paid

All right, what do you want?

$600 for the day, plus overtime if we go over eight hours.

I'll do my own hair and makeup

And I want you to pay for the six-week intensive acting camp

that my mom can't afford

$50 for the day and a two-week acting class at the YMCA nearest you.

$500 and a four-week acting class

$300 and a three-week class

Done

I would have done it for $500

I would have done it for the experience

Michael, you're up

Opener?

I want you to take me to Hawaii so I can swim with the dolphins.

You're not gonna let that one go, are you?

We're not going to Hawaii, pal Anything else?

Find someone else then

Ooh, the Mafia stare down Very good, Michael.

We're here to negotiate. Do you have anything else you might like?

I want a flying pony

I want a flying pony too, Michael but they don't exist.

Then I want a regular pony. And I want to name him Nelson

How about a Playstation 3 and we name him Nelson?

Keep talking

We'll include four video games

Five games

And I want the meeting with blondie to be at J.D. McFunnigan's.

How 'bout Charlie Choo-Choo's cause it's right down the street from me

Mention that slop-hole again and I walk

All right, take it easy, son. Take it easy

And I want unlimited tokens. If I can spend 'em, I wanna have 'em

I don't wanna be like playing Skee-Ball and all of a sudden run out of tokens.

All right, I can make that happen So do we have a deal?

Deal

Deal's off unless you eat that pizza, though Seriously.

Can I do an accent?

- Let me hear some - 'Ello!

- No. - Okay

My kids? Have you completely lost your mind?

Are you kidding me right now?

You're the one who picked up your cell phone

That is not

Mrs. Harrington

The doctor will see you now

I can't believe you're doing all of this just so you can get some.

It's just gross. You're just pathetic

I'm not trying to get some I already got some.

And yes, I'd like to continue getting some I'm pro me getting some.

Have a seat right there, Mrs. Harrington Remove your shirt, if you could.

I smell something. You smell something? I smell perfume.

Is that coming from you?

Maybe

What, you got a date or something?

I don't have a date. I have a lunch

You got a lunch? Who you got a lunch with?

Dr. Gervitz's office manager if you must know everything

His name is Brian

The guy with the gray soul patch?

- You know what? - Hey, man, I'm Brian

- You're mean! - Wow, you wanna go to lunch sometime?

Is he gonna take you there right after the big protest?

Hey, man, we gotta stop these squirrels

He plays bass, don't he?

You can take the brassiere off, too

And by the way, he does play the bass And he writes songs.

What does he write songs about how bad his ponytail stinks?

Mrs. Harrington, could you put your hands on your hips, please?

Okay, so, one of the funbags is not having too much fun.

All right, what happened anyways?

- Well, I hit it with the car door yesterday - Right.

And I heard a pop and then some sloshing sound when I walk

Yeah. I think

What are you doing?

Could be the kids or could be Brian

Okay. Stop that

Do you mind just for one second? Let me just talk to this guy.

Stop!

Yeah

- Hello? - Yeah, man!

- Bflan? - You can lie down

Yeah, hi! We sure are

Yeah, no, sushi would be groovy

Okay, I'll see you at 1:00 in the lobby Okay, bye.

What voice was that?

That was my voice

Really?

- I didn't sound like that - One o'clock...

You're excited about this guy, huh?

Mrs. Harrington, this is numbing cream for your nipples, okay?

OKEY

It's gonna be one afternoon

Why are we making such a big deal out of this?

Because you know what? You're trying to get my kids involved

in your dysfunctional, sick little, pathetic, twisted web of lies

When I was negotiating with your son, Michael,

he had the biggest smile I've ever seen on anyone's face

When I told him we could do it at J.D. McFunnigan's,

the kid looked like he won the Heisman Trophy, I'm not kidding you

I think that's enough. Do you feel that?

O

No, but do you feel that?

- No. - We're good

By the way, did you make this?

We'll have to give it to the Smithsonian when we've done the operation. Terrific: job

Did he really smile?

Swear to God, like the cutest little smile

And I got Maggie to eat

- You did? - Yeah.

Pizza. Deep dish. Three pieces

I can't get her to eat anything

I know you can't. Don't do this for me

Do it for the children

- Yeah! - Oh, stop!

Come on, you're late! What are you, in character right away?

Come on, let's go!

She's inside

What is that?

What?

Did Victoria Beckham have a yard sale? Why are you wearing that?

Are you kidding me? This is what you bought for me

I know, I know. I'm just saying is it

All right, we're stuck with it, I just think it's a little over the top, but

Thanks. Happy to be here to help you

The first rule of improv is always accept the information

If someone says something, just go with it No negating.

Gotcha. That sounds good, that's smart

In my acting class, when someone says "No" in a scene,

the whole class yells, "Die!"

No. I mean, no one will say "no" then Don't yell "die."

Who's up for some warm-up exercises?

- No, honey, I'm not gonna do that - The what?

The tip of the tongue, the teeth, the lips The tip of the tongue, the teeth, the lips

I got one for you. Shut up!

All right, let's go already. Are you ready there, Mafia?

- Hell, yeah. - Let's do it!

Stinks

Smells like kids' feet and like skidmark underwear

Happy Father's Day

Jeez!

Mommy! That man put his pee-pee on my face!

What?

- He put his face on my pee-pee - Danny!

- I'm saying he's the one - I don't think it matters.

No, I get you

Palmer, darling

Devlin. Thank you so much for bringing the kids today.

I don't think she was the only one who brought them.

You know what I'm saying?

They are my pride and joy

So I'd like to introduce you to, the one and only,

Kiki Dee, who came out at nine pounds four ounces

Yeouch

And then the Whopper, we call him, Bart

because he was a 12-pounder and did some damage.

Okay. So

Hi, yoU guys

Hello, Palmer. Heard so much about you

You're British?

So you're the bird what's been given Daddy the 0l' slap and tickle?

We sent her to boarding school last year in England.

See? So she picked up a slight accent It's, you know, very Madonna.

Well, it is a pleasure meeting you, Kiki Dee

Wish I could say the same

You see, before you, I had meself a father

I was the apple of his eye

It was all giggling and chasing butterflies in the meadows,

and what have you

And now what do I got?

An hour and a half every other week at J.D. McFunnigan's

with him and his whore

- Koko! Kiki! - Kiki!

God, she's in such pain

No, that's the pills that... She took some out of her mother's bureau.

Are you

All right, let me go see her

How are you doing, sweetie?

I'll be better when I start seeing some tokens

He's American

Excuse me. Yo! What was that all about?

That was raw and real and in the moment You know, I feel very good about it.

You do? Well, I don't!

So if you wanna get your money and your acting classes,

you better start doing things right from now on.

No more sob stories

And we're stuck with the English accent now Ringo, so commit to it. Don't choke, got it?

Got it

Now hug me and laugh and let's get back into the show

Okay. Papa!

You're not a whore, Palmer

OKEY

That's so nice. See what they do, they fight then they make up and it's good.

Good. We're doing good

Are you kidding me?

Got a hamburger here for Bart Art the Water Fart.

- Here you go, kid. - Look at that, sweet!

And two quesadillas for Kiki Sneaky With a Side of Freaky.

Here's the waters. No soda for you. You're battling diabetes, remember?

Kiki Dee?

I got you two quesadillas cause it's your favorite food

so you have to eat it

Well, yes! And that's why I'm going to eat every single bit of it.

All right, let's see

Yummy!

Thank you

Hey, I think we forgot napkins

We did? Okay. Well let me get the napkins

Because I know she's not gonna get up and do it

because she doesn't like to get up and do anything

Oh, nice

Everybody be cool

So, Bart, your dad tells me you like to go to the bathroom

When I feel it, I do it

What else do you like?

I don't know

That's our Bart. He's a man of very few words

OKEY

Maybe I'm upset

Upset about me and your father dating?

No. You seem to make my dad happy and that's cool, but...

But what?

Nothing

Hey, I want you to feel comfortable telling me anything.

Well, I just hate that he broke his promise to me

What promise?

Yeah, what promise?

He promised me last year that he would take me to Hawaii

to swim with the dolphins

They have this lagoon there with dolphins and people get to swim with them.

What are you doing?

But without warning, my dad canceled the trip

Why would he do that?

He met you

He what?

- No! "Die!"

No, no, no, no, no, no! I'm saying that did not..

You misread what I said. I said we have to go to Hawaii earlier

Because I'm excited for all of us to hang out there.

We're going to Hawaii!

I can't believe I let a six-year-old blackmail me

I saw my shot and I took it

You're angry at yourself cause you got us into this whole situation

- I did? - You really did

I think old Mary Poppins with the,

"You can't say no. You can't say no, Guv'nor"

Okay, listen, my tolerance

for these continued shenanigans is right here.

And if it gets up to here, I'm taking my kids, I'm selling you out and I'm going home.

I am so happy we are doing this, Danny

Are you kidding me? We're going to Hawaii we're gonna swim with dolphins.

It's gonna be so much fun I was just telling the squirt

And Seventeen magazine

You brought that for these guys or is that for you?

It's mine. It's my favorite

See that? Did you ever read that magazine? Thirty years ago you did.

And hopefully we're gonna have time together, right, sweetie?

Wait! Wait!

Danny, wait!

Muffinstein, I could not stand to be without you

ls this him? I see the Colonel von Generous right here in front of me.

Okay, I'm confused right now

I'm so sorry. I've not introduced myself we have talked on the phone,

but I am the Dolph Lundgren

Devlin's man-friend/love monkey

Oh, kill me now

Devlin said you had to stay back and work

- I did. - She what said?

Nein, nein to the work. I will work when I am kaput

You know, I think this is so great of all of you, so mature

I would have loved if my parents had done something like this when they got divorced

That's why I was thinking we should have the man come. Yeah, I'm glad. I'm glad.

It's important for the children to see us as a unit.

And also I cannot stay away from this potato pancake.

She loves the schnitzel, you know what I mean?

You know what? Tongue feels a little dry

Let's go get you some water, honey We'll be back.

That's a big tongue, big tongue

Get over here, get over here

What are you doing here?

I don't know, saving the day. Helping. Hello?

Who are you talking to? What are you looking at?

I can't see in these things

This is what you're gonna do

You're gonna tell them that you ate a bad sauerkraut omelet for breakfast

and that you are feeling like you're sick and that you gotta go.

- Katherine, I can't go. Okay? - Why?

Because I texted a picture of my new equipment to my ex-girlfriend

You're disgusting

And I forgot she's engaged to a UFC fighter He wants to punch me in the face.

I wanna punch you in the face

Hey, guys, how we doing?

I am just waiting for the money for the ticket

So you are coming? And I am paying?

Yes. Dolph has zero dollars

- Woops! - Qkay_

Let me see if I can find my credit card Here it is.

That's for sleeping with my wife, pal

- There you go - Thank you.

Hey, hey!

Didn't have time to make any reservations, but I need two rooms, please.

Of course. Unfortunately, we only have our suites left

Oh, boy

The Waldorf Astoria at $8,000 per night and the Presidential at $12,000.

$12,000 a night? Do the Rolling Stones come and play for me while I'm in there?

What the hell are you talking about? Why is it so much?

Is it made out of panda? I've used that somewhere else, but is it?

No, but you've made some terrific suggestions

and I'm gonna jot them down

Are you a member of the Hilton Honors Rewards programme?

No, I'm not

That's too bad. You should join

Yeah

Just got reamed. I mean, I got the rooms

Who wants to go to the beach?

LVle!

Who wants to start drinking?

LVle!

Okay, yeah, I would create a fake family for that. Oh, my God!

You know what? You're disgusting

Mumsy, please do come in. The water's as lovely as Westminster in May

No, honey, I'm good. I don't really feel like swimming right now

What is this from, my Liebchen?

Don't you be intimidated by her whole thing right there, which is perfect.

Come on. Like she's intimidated. I hope when I'm her age I look that good

Yes, right?

You can look that good

if you don't take the elevators and only take the stairs like Cary Grant

Take the stairs. Take the stairs

Hey, why are we stopped here?

What's the matter? I can't look at engagement rings?

- Engagement rings? - Yeah, you heard me

Look all you want, but you and I both know that

you're gonna get sick of this hottie

and you're gonna be back on the prowl next week.

Nope. I'm telling you, is this girl not cute?

Yeah, she's really cute

ls she not the sweetest?

The nicest person I've ever met

Did you ever see her lips?

I think she has the best lips I've ever seen

They're like an inner tube and I just wanna sit on it.

You know what I mean? And just, like

Do you want me to knock you out, or

No, I'm saying you should sit on her lips

Anyways

You know, this whole situation reminds me of a song.

Danny is a big plastic surgeon

Who never had time for a wife

And he's friends with Davy Who's still in the Navy

Piano Man? Why Piano Man?

No, it's "Piano Dan"

That's based on your life It's a little Eddie remix.

Eddie used to have an afro And pimples all over his face

So he popped and he poked 'em And Clearasil soaked 'em

But ladies still greet him with mace

I was maced one time

Five times

So, guys, we're here to get to know each other better

- Yes. - Yeah

Dolph, let's start with you

So, what line of work are you in?

Well, Palmer, I am in sheep

I'm sorry. I don't know what you mean

I am a sheep shipper

Yes

You know, people, they don't buy the sheep

from the local sheepherder any more

Really? They don't?

No, they don't. They go online!

Yes! They go on the lntervveb

to my website, gotprettysheep.com

And leave this, please. Thank you

Now, people go on. They see the pictures of the sheep

and they pick the ones they want

You know, it's like, "I want that one"

"You know, it's very stylish You know, it's a stylish one

Goes, "Oh, no, I want the shy one who doesn't want to baa."

Or they buy the sassy one,

who's like, "Hey, I see you, baa, baa"

So, what do the people do with these sheep?

Whatever they want! Sky is the limit

You know, some have them as pets. Some have them as security for the house

A lot of the people

The new thing is training them to fight each other in the Sheep Fight Club

Sheep Fight Clubs?

Yes. All the sheeps, they get together. They baa, all you hear is, "Baa, baa, baa"

And then you see hoof, kick, hoof, kick hoof, kick, baa, baa, baa, baa, baa!

And then he's out

And that is how we met. She bought a sheep from me

Really? Why?

Children? Okay, tune out

Okay, 'cause some secrets are coming out all right? Some adult ones.

She likes to shave the sheep

for the pelt for the sex, sexuals, yes

She has got a real fetish for the wool and stuff, you know

We do this thing called "sheepstenein"

Danny? Would you come with me, please?

Yeah. Absolutely. So, we're gonna leave right now

So you guys play that game that we always love to play,

Nobody Talk game

And start now

- I'm sorry, we're leaving. I can't do it - No.

I'm gonna kill that guy. He's lost it

He was going sheep-crazy, I'll give you that Where is your hand right now?

You wanna see where it is? It's not even here any more! It's gone!

How about I beat him up? You can beat him up with me. It'll be fun

I don't want to! I have to go

- Don't bail on me right now! - Don't make that face at me

- I cannot stand that face - Katherine?

Katherine Murphy?

Oh, my God, Devlin Adams

- Devlin? Devlin as in taking a - Taking? From what I see...

It's my favorite college Devlin!

Both of us here at this resort at the same time.

I didn't know you came to places like this

Here we go

Honey!

Honey, I want you to meet someone

This is one of my best friends from my sorority.

Katherine, this is my husband Ian Maxtone Jones.

Pleasure

You might've heard of him He invented the iPod.

Well, of course he did. The iPod

The idea just came to me in the shower

A shower that I was taking with Devlin

So, this is a cabana you guys got yourselves here, huh?

Because my skin is so white I don't like to get it burned.

Even at night?

Well, in Hawaii, you never know with the sun Very, very strong.

So you mean like a moonburn or

You look fantastic

You look great. I'm so glad you got your teeth fixed. Much better

You are just the same glorious Devlin that I remember.

Oh, my God, I ran into Sandra Wernick last month

The poor thing. She's already divorced and she has a child

She's a single mother. It's a disaster

I feel so bad for her

Are you married?

Yes

I've neglected to introduce you to Danny

Daniel Leroy Maccabee Ill, my husband

Yes. If you want me to stay, will you just go with it, honey?

- Come here and please meet Devlin and Ian - Hey.

This is Daniel

- lPod, what's up? How are you? - I'm fine.

- Invented it. - Pleasure. I heard

Devlin, I think I spoke about you with my wife in the bathroom one or two times, right?

We did

- Number two. - We did it twice, yes

So, chief, tell me, what do you do for a living?

I'm also an inventor, just like you I invented the barking hand.

I got you. But you're sunburned?

- No. - What?

You are a surgeon

He's a plastic surgeon, and he's one of the best

according to Los Angeles Magazine

Touchdown!

Yes. Well, that, yeah

Touched it down

We gotta go back. We have to run It was great to see you.

We have to get back to our kids. So

You have kids?

Yeah, two, actually. We couldn't wait to start creating lives

And by the way, I created these children in the shower. Right?

- You did. - You know what I'm saying, homeboy?

That is funny

Wow, you've been together a long time

Am I gonna leave this girl? Look at her

Still gets the flag up the pole, if you know what I mean.

Bing-bang. An iRod, I should say

Come on, hit that. Why'd you leave me hanging so long?

You're so clever. That's so silly

The four of us should get together and have dinner one night.

That would be almost like a dream of mine

If we could ever get ourselves out of the bedroom.

Katherine Murphy, look at you!

Oh, no, not Murphy any more Leroy Maccabee.

That's right

The third. Anyway, so it was great to see you and meet you, Ian.

The big E. Love the Shuffle, by the way

- Good to meet you. - Bye! Thanks. You, too!

What are you talking about? She was nice

- I'm gonna kill you. - Come on. You need me, though, right?

I don't believe thatjust happened

I like that you need me. How's that make you feel?

Please, it feels like a car door just slowly shut on my soul.

- Come here! Listen - What?

Do you know how I feel right now?

You were getting me so upset, bringing me into that web of lies

My hand's right here right now Oh, my hand's right there.

You know what? I hate you right now

I've gotta write out a bunch of index cards just to keep up with these lies.

Yeah, and you're gonna make me copies, too And one more thing.

Oh, my God, why are we leaving the hotel right now? Why did you wake me up?

Because, Grandpa, I signed us up for the all-day adventure tour.

We're gonna go hiking in the rainforest and kayaking down rivers

and swimming under waterfalls

Swimming. I hope you mean skinny-dipping

I'm gonna suggest swimming

I, however, am fine with some man nudity, Danny

Okay, so Swiss Family nightmare is coming with us.

That's so we can bond?

That'll be great!

It's bloody breathtaking out here!

Is this where the blue Avatar people live?

Yeah, the blue Avatar people and I think that black pig.

- Where? - The pig.

Look, how cute. Looks like Babe

Oh, my God! Go, Go!

Come on, 90, 99!

The pig is eating my body!

Keep your eyes on the river, sweetheart

Yes. I was looking at the canyon

Hey, what're you guys doing?

That bridge can only handle one person at a time!

Go, go, go!

What'd he say? What'd you say?

Holy Devlin!

Come on, let's go

Piggyback times are magical times, aren't they?

Yeah, aren't they? You're warping my spine now

I think Kiki slipped

Oh, Father, I just love spending time with you!

Oh, my God!

You guys, look at this!

- Oh, my God! - It's lovely!

That is unbelievable

I don't know about you guys, but I am gonna go cool off.

Really? There could be black pigs in there

I agree

Look at that. That's terrific

Does the hotel know you took those pillows, honey?

She really wears that bikini well

Yeah

You know what she'd wear well? Dental floss and a pirate hat.

- Don't say that. - Absolutely gross

Oh, my God! Gorgeous!

Perfect

That was a ten! A perfect ten!

So, Al Jolson

you mind jumping in the water

and also screaming on the way down "I love my daddy"?

OKEY

Yeah, do it, do it for me

- Do it for Da-da. - I love my daddy

Daddy is my favorite adult!

You're paying her enough for this, right?

And I love you, my little British crumpet!

All right, homeboy, you're up next. Let's go

Come up with something on your own

You gotta squeeze out another log?

What happened? What'd he whisper to you?

Water's too deep

Water's too deep for what?

He can't swim

He can't swim?

And you wanna swim with the dolphins? That makes a lot of sense.

Hadn't thought it through

No kidding you didn't think it through

Thought about spending all my money though, didn't you?

- Danny! - I'm saying, I'm not the kid's

Okay. No one taught you how to swim, huh?

Well, my dad's supposed to, but he's busy

Busy being an idiot

You guys have to come in the water feels magical!

I got something magical, too Right in the downstairs area

I don't high-five when it's

Downstairs area!

- No, put it away. Sorry - No, stop.

You know what? I think Mommy's gonna explore the magical waters

Honey, are you okay to hang out here with fake Daddy?

Sure

Really? You're gonna get undressed? What are you doing?

- What? - You got a bathing cap, too?

You're the worst

A 1920s swimming gown on, honey?

Don't do it. Don't take it off

- Yeah. - I have to be alone

OKEY

God, I gotta start taking the stairs more

Don't buy that line

She takes spinning classes like they're M&M's.

I think he's wearing my underwear

What is he doing?

Yo, I guarantee you fall!

I'm all set

Thank you, God

I wanna climb Palmer Mountain, so what do you say we get rid of these kids?

No. They had them last night. It's our turn

Isn't that how things work? We alternate?

- What? - No.

I get the kids... I had them today

That counted as a "me" day and then she gets them at night

That's how we do it

Dolph, Devlin,

do you want us to watch the kids so that you guys can have a little alone time?

- I don't think... - Yes! Absoshnutelyl

We are sleeping together!

You guys have your own beds and it's our time!

- So we're gonna watch them - Good.

You guys wanna come take a look at the balcony?

I think I saw some dolphins around here

Dolphins? Hey, he loves those, right? Dolphins.

- Sorry. Okay, go. - All right, let go. Come on

- Get the dolphins - Bye, you guys.

That's why we're here, the dolphins See you out there.

Listen, if anything happens and you need any... And I mean anything

you have to call me

I'm good at this, I swear to you

I used to baby-sit Eddie when we were children.

- Eddie is your fault? - No, no, no.

But I want you to enjoy tonight Come on, it's like a free night.

You can do whatever you want

You can knit yourself some socks or shock people with your sneaky hot body

- I don't know what you're talking about - Cary Grant?

I'm just gonna sit in my room

and worry about you and them and everything.

What aboutjust hang out platonically with Eddie tonight? Have some dinner?

Or is he not good enough? You need Brian the guy from Foghat, around here.

That really bothered you that I went to lunch with that guy

What do you mean, you went to lunch with him?

I told you I was going to lunch with him

I thought it was he asked you to lunch and you were gonna like scoff at it.

But you did? You fell for his charms?

I don't even understand what this is

It's the beard, man

It doesn't move!

Well, yeah, in the wind, man It's flapping around.

All right. You know what? I'll tell you this

The guy made it through an entire lunch with a woman

without making up a fake life

You just hurt me

That was not nice, but it was the truth

And I speak the truth

Please pay attention to my children

Everything will be nice

They serve room service in the hallway

I'm so nauseous. Okay. Bye

Alone at last!

Let's play the game. We were doing so good with the game

If you could be one person besides yourself,

who would you be?'

Rachael Ray, because I've always wanted to know how to cook.

- Really? - Oh, she's darling

You know what? I don't really wanna be anyone else

I'm happy with who I am. I choose me

Or Captain Kirk. Either one

- See, that's a good one - All right.

What about you, Bart?

Mr. DeCesare

Our mailman? Why?

He just seems like he's got it all figured out

We're getting deep

Okay, moving on

Okay. "Name something that makes you sad"

That Judi Dench has never won the Oscar for Best Actress.

It's a travesty

That 'N Sync broke up

Yeah. That was rough on all of us

Who's 'N Sync?

Sadness. Bart, you're up

I don't wanna say mine

Okay. Let's move on then

Hey!

Honey, come on. You can share anything with us

Yeah, share. He looks like he's about to lose it, but okay

When my dad doesn't have time for me

Come on, it's okay

We're okay. We're okay. It's fine It's all gonna be okay.

Come on

We don't need him in our lives

- Wow. - No, no, no, he's

We're okay. It's fine

It's all gonna be okay

This has nothing to... This is, like, from a long time ago!

It's okay

What are you doing?

Well, that was a major setback

When my dad doesn't have time for me

We're sorry

I know you're sorry. I know you got real stuff going on with your family.

And it's painful

But you gotta just hold it in till you get to the mainland again

You're the ones who wanted to come here and go swimming with the dolphins

or standing with the dolphins because you can't swim.

- Can you act professional? - Yes, sir.

For at least two more days, until I kill you off

in a boarding school train accident?

I thought it was a car accident

I don't know. Either that or a science explosion, just something

You're gonna be dead soon. That's the good news. Okay?

So, can you just focus for a few more days?

- Yes. - Good

So, give me some fake hugs right now

and laugh real loud like we're the happiest family on earth

- Okay. - Ls that possible?

And laughing, laughing, laughing

Okay, that's it. Laugh louder, louder

I love you guys!

Hey, sweetie! What's going on? What's up?

So, kids, I just got off the phone with your mom

and you guys are gonna have plenty of time to spend with your dad tomorrow

because she and I are gonna have a nice, long spa day.

Awesome! Awesome, awesome

You guys are so

I'll see you in a minute, okay? I love you.

- Okay, he's losing it - Okay, good night.

He's losing it

All right, here we go. Everybody out

So, what are we doing?

Palmer forgot her camera in the room

so I'm gonna have a surprise for her when she gets back from the spa.

A stolen camera?

No, some pictures of us having a great time

reassuring her of all the fun we have together.

I forgot to flush the toilet before I left the hotel.

- So she's gonna have two surprises - Okay.

No one's supposed to crap as much as you do.

You gotta look into that Pepto Bismol or something.

Here's your putters. Bing

- And a bam - Thank you

Let's just look right in the camera

And we're having fun

And we're a family. We love each other

And boo!

All right, let's do the old Michael-hit-a-putt shot. Okay?

So boom, that's in the hole

And you're excited about that and we're happy for him, and.

Maggie just hit the ball, but you followed through too much

and it made you fall on your back

Okay, but... Look at this

You're laughing, but I'm a concerned father so I'm like,

'Oh, my God

All right, now

let's just laugh at something I say because I'm a funny dad.

You're very close with me, and you think I'm funny, and

Why are we always laughing? Is there something wrong with us?

No. You're just amused by everything I say So, here we go.

Can we take a break? Do something really fun?

No, we're not doing anything fun, man We're here to fake having fun.

Come on. Right to the camera

Don't worry. We never have fun with our real dad either

Oh, man

All right. How's this? I'll teach you how to swim, okay?

Before your mother gets back from the "spa day" in four hours?

- Is that even possible? - Yeah.

But we're gonna take one more picture, if you don't mind.

Make that two pictures. Maggie

Throw this straight in the air Make it look like...

On the count of three, one, two, three

OKEY

Now, Michael, lay down

On your back. And

Yeah, all the way over. See if you can clench this

Now look like you're in pain

It took my friend a whole summer to learn how to swim.

How're you gonna teach me so quick?

I'm gonna do it the same way my grandfather taught me.

Don't worry. It took Grandpa eight hours to teach us. It was a nightmare

But there's two of us here now, and we're sober. You're gonna be fine

All right. You're doing great

- ls he doing great? - He's doing great.

Okay. We want to advance a little, though I need you to swim to Uncle Eddie.

If you get there without touching the bottom we'll give you a dolphin cookie.

Is that what your grandpa gave you?

No, Grandpa gave us something he'd call a Heineken

- I want one of those. - No. Stick with the dolphin cookie

Yeah. They hurt less when they get thrown at your head

God, he was a sick man

Yeah. Okay? Are we ready? Don't think about it. Commit. Kick, kick

- Get the cookie - Move your feet

Kick, kick!

Right there! Reach for it! You got it!

Doing good, buddy!

There you 99!

My boy! That was terrific, buddy

Have your cookie. We're gonna move on, though

Hey, Devlin?

- Devlin? - Yeah?

So, Danny's birthday is next week, and I have no idea what to get him

Well, don't get him a tie

He has 100 of them and he never wears them

That's good to know

He loves books on tape for his car

Fishing gear

Loves it. Doesn't use it

Can't take the fish off of the hook once he catches it, so he just collects it

He loves candy. Jelly Bellies Loves them, his favorite.

But he only likes the Cotton Candy and the Peanut Butter.

So you have to buy the bag of the Jelly Bellies,

separate the Cotton Candy and the Peanut Butter

and put them into a little

It's a kind of Ziploc baggies that I got online

You know so much about him

Yeah

I've known the guy forever

Music. Loves music

But anything after '95, don't bother You'll lose him.

That's when I finished my Girl Scouts

All right. How many cookies do we got left?

Maybe about forty!

What do you think, 40 feet for 40 cookies?

Can you handle that? You need a little rest?

Let's do this

Really? Okay, he's ready! He's ready to rock!

Almost

What? No

Oh, my! Ladies and gentlemen, off come the floatiesl

This is getting serious!

Are you sure about this, Michael?

- Hell, yeah - All right.

No matter what, you're a good man, okay?

Keep kicking. I'm here if you need me

You got this

- Go! - Go, Michael!

- Go! Breathe! - Yeah!

- Kick it! - Go!

- Move your arms! - Yeah!

He doesn't have floaties on!

Oh, my God!

Get the cookies!

Come on, sweetheart! You've got it! A little bit more, little bit more.

- Swim! Swim! - Oh, my God!

- Come on! - Just a little bit more!

Keep going, Michael! Don't give up!

Very nice!

That's my boy! Yeah, buddy!

I did it! I did it!

Thank you!

No way, that was you, buddy

That was awesome. Way to go!

What are we looking at?

Jeez. Oh, God. Devlin

Devlin. Oh, God. You snuck up on me

- Did I? - Yes.

Do you startle easily? That's a sign of menopause

Devlin?

Palmer Dodge, this is Devlin

She and I went to college together

- This is Palmer Dodge - Aloha, Palmer.

Is this your daughter?

No, no, no. I'm actually the girlfriend

Whose girlfriend?

Yes, hi

I am the Dolph. Willkommen And you're very beautiful.

Married, flattered. Thanks. Where's Danny?

Danny is in the water teaching our little boy how to swim

Hi, Doctor!

He was so sweet

You know what's so crazy is that I have never met anybody

with the first name Devlin before

You know, and here you are, and your name's Devlin and..

Shark attack!

We are playing Bavarian pool rugby and now I'm in the lead.

Okay, bye!

She's trying to beat me, but she won't

No one can!

This is fun!

Anyway, something's opened up in our schedule tonight.

So, we were wondering if you and Danny were good to go for dinner.

- Oceano's. Seven o'clock - No...

Oh, no, you don't! She's like a shark Come on.

Is it a bad night? Are you two fighting?

No! We're not fighting. No, we just, we're delighting. We're just fine

No, that's great. Tonight's gonna happen Yeah, perfect.

- Perfect. Anyway, see you tonight! - Okay, Devlin.

Oh, my God! Dolph, let her breathe!

Yes, I

- Dolph! - What?

What was that?

I was... Were you under

I don't understand. Why would you say yes?

Because I didn't know, I didn't say no

I'm not leaving here. What would I tell Palmer?

What's going on, sweetie?

So, today, you know, with Dolph pushing me in the pool. It was weird, right?

No, no, no. He's a sheepherder. That's what those guys do, you know?

They do a lot of horseplay and that's kind of initiation time for you

You're in the gang, I think

Okay. Yeah

Well, I was thinking for tonight

maybe we could have a little me and you time?

I'll get my rubber duck and see you in a sec

Yeah, no, I'm not doing this tonight

It's like my first night alone with the girl

All I'm asking you is one favor!

Just get this one dinner with me

so I can save face with this horrible, heinous human being

What am I gonna tell Palmer?

Would you just put her on the phone?

Oh, God

Tell me she is not listening to 'N Sync

No, no, no. It's coming from the elevator

Hey!

Danny, that is my jam

Someone on the phone for you

- I don't know who - Okay.

Hello?

What is that?

- It's Palmer - So?

I need you to get on the phone I need you to ask her out.

I need you to take her as far away from the hotel for the entire night.

Would you please just do this for me?

No, I'm already eating. I just wanna hang out

- Seriously, I need you. - What are you doing? No

My gosh

- Take it. - All right

Go for Dolph

It's Dolph

Okay, I got an idea

How about you and me, we go and get the dinner tonight?

To Supper?

Tonight?

Yes, and we get to know each other, because I think it's important for the kids

to have good symmetry in the family unit

Yeah, hang on. Let me check with Danny

Dolph wants to do dinner tonight

No. No, no, no

All right, tell him yeah

Yeah, that's fine

Awesome. Thank you so much

What am I supposed to say to her all night?

You spout crazy nonsense for hours in Eurotrashenese.

Just do it, but just do it far away from the hotel

Okay, fine, I'll do it, but if I do good can I sleep in the bed with you?

No. Why? You've got a great private room

Really? Because when we were in the Napa Valley

they said that wasn't a good time of year for Merlot.

How about the Verite Cabernet?

Isn't Cabernet really grapey? I mean, I like grapey, but not overly grapey

Did you go over the index cards?

I glanced at them, yes

You glanced at them?

I graduated med school without reading a book. Just relax

Just give us the most expensive bottle you have and it'll probably be good enough

Perfect!

Look at us, Katherine

Both so happily married. I mean

Can you believe it?

Everything I always hoped for, right, Yogi?

Boo-Boo

- My Yogi Bear - My Boo-Boo.

Never enough

Hold on a second

I love the way you smell

Nothing smells as good as Devlin

Smelling Devlin, always a good thing

This is really where we're eating?

Oh, yes. No, the hotel says it's amazing und very far away

Yeah, it's good

I want that car. I'll give you two chickens for it

Two chickens, that's very nice of you, but

Don't be scared

We're just here for dinner. Also, this car's worth about 10,000 chickens.

Don't pour over me

Don't pour over me

I'll bring my glass to you

So, Danny, you're a plastic surgeon

Yes

Very convenient for you, Katherine

No, this girl's had nothing done She's just a natural beauty.

- She really is - Sweetie.

What about me? What would you do to fix me?

Professionally speaking?

Nothing. I wouldn't do a thing to you

Nothing?

You're too sweet

They already took too much fat out of your arms,

but that's what sleeves are for

So, where did you two meet?

We just, we met at a concert

- Sting - Yeah

Live at the Index Card

It was a benefit for the rainforest

Someone's on the phone for you. I think it's the guy from The Omen

Go for the iMan

Hold on a second

Can I say something before you say what you're gonna say?

Seeing the man who invented the iPod on the iPhone,

- saying, Go for the iMan - Yeah.

That was like watching Ronald McDonald

eat a cheeseburger off the Grimace

- I'm serious. That was serious stuff - It's so true.

That, to me, was like watching Dr. Kevorkian kill himself.

Oh, no

I'm sorry. This is one of my foundations I've gotta take this.

Your virtue, your intelligence, your passion

Your beauty, your drive, and your womanhood.

It's something we do whenever the other leaves

We say what we love most about the other

- That's really nice. - That's big. I like that

You guys should try it

- Yes, we should. - We should. We'll try that later

- We have to. - Not everyone can do it

We'll do it now

- Right now - Okay.

So, broke and penniless, I took to the streets to sell my wares

And by wares, I mean my body

And by body, I mean my schnitzel

Help! ls there a veterinarian in the house?

My pet sheep, he passed out He's not breathing!

I don't know what's wrong with him!

Him! Him! He's not a vet, but he sells sheep for a living

Oh, me, yes

I do, yes. I am that

Please come this way!

_NoW? 'Yes!

- This way, this way! - What is this?

Is that a real sheep?

OKEY

Yes

Hello

Yes?

Yes, in my expert opinion that sheep is dead.

I'm very sorry

Let's go eat. Okay, show's over. Let's go

He's still alive! Please, you have to do something!

Oh, shit on me

You look each other in the eyes and you say what you love about the other

We can't just say it? We gotta look at each other for this thing?

Okay. Yes. We're so ready

Are you ready?

Go ahead

- You're on - Okay.

Come on

I love your sense of humor

You do?

All of it?

Every dirty bit of it

I love your stories

- Yes. They can go long, but - It's okay.

- ...L try to finish strong - Always entertaining.

And I love that you

Love that you read the index cards

Of course

And I love that you secretly

have a huge heart

and it's just filled with kindness

and humility

And blood?

I'm sure there's blood

I don't know, I

I just think you're a really nice person and I really like...

I really love spending time with you

That's good enough for me right there Yeah, game over.

Danny?

Game back on? We gotta

Well, I'd like to start off by saying

that I love the most that you fixed your teeth

Why did I know that

They were horrible, I agree

No, no

You know what I love?

How you just do everything for everybody else

and you never expect anything back

In fact, when I say thank you, I don't know do you hear that or not?

It's cute

And I love

I just love

You're the only person I've never lied to in my life

I swear to God

I just trust you more than anybody in the world

You know every secret about me

I love your smile

That smile is the magic

When I'm in the operating room all I think about is,

"All right, 20 more minutes, I get to see the smile."

It's just like

It starts my day, that smile

I won best smile at our sorority three years straight, right, Katherine?

Not little Bucky here

Okay, here we go! Hi, yes!

We do the sheep dance, right? We want to live and dance more, yes

Okay, all right. Here we go. Eat some food Eat the food. Come on, here we go.

Couple more zings

Make the milk. Yes, he makes the milk You love it. You give milk to the baby.

All right

One, two, three, here we go!

Come on!

We got a couple things that I know how to do!

Yes, this is a good test, so why not?

All right. Here we go

You're killing him!

The sheep lives! The sheep lives!

Yes! Here we go, one more time Here we go. Yes!

This is what I did. You saw this. Yes!

Welcome. I am Tanner Patrick, Jr

We're ready for the legendary Oceano's Hula Competition.

Legendary? Never heard of it!

Legendary like the day you were once sober So...

She talks the talk, who will walk the walk

and walk with me to the Ladies' Lounge? Feeling it...

I think you should do it, Devlin

Because she would win

- I'll do it! - Good show!

Katherine? How about you?

Come on, this isn't Katherine's thing Right, Katherine?

No, no, not my

Her speed. Not mine

Some people are just more comfortable on the sidelines, so don'tjudge her, honey

Your honesty, your fearlessness, and your tickle spot.

Your creativity, your bravery and your taffy nipples.

Let's go! How do I win this thing?

I'm gonna do this hula thing

Don't feel any pressure, Katherine

I'm not the one who should feel the pressure

Ladies and gentlemen, a warm welcome for tonight's hula girls

These are my stars. And here's the key

you decide how brightly they shine tonight

You the audience, judge and jury I like what I see.

This is my hula palooza

You're the judges. You're voting for your favorite hula girl

How about we do one over here?

Can I get a little something-something up here in the corner?

Has anybody got a conscience here tonight?

Come on, you did well. You did well

lfstough

What do I got over here? Anybody?

How tall do you think that guy is?

Who? The Tanner guy? I don't know

Yeah, that Tanner. Looks pretty tall, I'd say he's like 6'3'

Yeah, I don't know

Can I get a positive reaction?

Thank you

How about this little girl? Let's make her night.

How about it?

I like it. Keep the mojo going. How about Big Country in the corner?

Do I got

sorry

This is fixed!

Tall fellow is lucky to get away

Let's pick up the tempo, boys

What? What is that?

Okay. This is a lot faster

Fabulous!

Yeah, baby!

What?

Come on

Nobody got cheated here tonight

These are two of the hottest chicks we have ever had up here.

But ourjob is not done. I need your help, because I need a winner

Let me hear you

Beautiful!

Wow, that is gonna be tough to beat Let's not kid anybody.

How about over here?

There you have it. We have ourselves

That's my Boo-Boo!

A tie! We have ourselves a tie

That's great. We both win. Good

What's the tiebreaker?

What's the tiebreaker?

This is how we settle ties in my house

It's something I like to call Coconut Smoochie.

The object of the game is, the coconut is in their midsections

It must move all the way up to their mouths without the use of their hands.

Focus, focus

If you touch the coconut you are disqualified.

Okay. Ready? One, two, three, get coconutty!

Okay. Slow

Okay, all right. Calm down, calm down

- Let me just bring it up to you - Okay, do it.

Get it up there. Come on

Bring your coconuts down to me

Okay. Oh, my coconuts

- Pull up. All right - I'm so low.

Squeeze your coconuts. Squeeze them

Use every crevice you can. Don't be afraid

- I can't get it up here - I'm trying.

Would you be quiet?

- Stay there - Wait.

- Okay, that's good - Ls that good?

Sorry about this, by the way

Really? You're really sorry about this?

No, I'm not. I like it

Yeah!

Pick it up, pick it up! Not with your hands, you buffoon!

Come on!

- Look what he's doing! - What happened?

I can't see

Focus. Take it slow, take it slow

He's got it!

That's not fair. He can't do that

No, that's a clean pick-up right there

Okay. Bring it over here

Go! Go! Go!

I got it

There's still time. Let's go

You can touch each other, you cannot touch the coconut

Hang on, hang on

- What's going on? - What is that? What do you use?

- What's the hold-up? - You still got that perfume on, huh?

- Would you stop it? - Smells good. Come on, let's go

Have you got it to your mouth yet, Boo-Boo?

Stop putting your ass in my face

- I like it. - That's my girl. Okay

We've got a winner! We have a winner! We have a winner.

Coconut Smoochie champions right here

Awesome

You suck at everything!

Boo-Boo

Great teamwork, guys. How long have you two been married?

- Eight years - Ten years.

- Ten years - Eight.

- Very long time. - A very long time

- Did you see the look on her face? - Yes.

Do you understand what joy that brought me?

How about the look on her face when you were doing the juggling, though?

- The juggling was the highlight for me. - That was pretty good. You liked that?

It was so cute

And when you talked about her arms getting done?

The good news is she's beating the hell out of the iPod guy right now.

Right now, I know

That was good. That was really fun

You know what, I think that was the first time that you and I have ever

gone out, you know, just us

I know. I do. I feel bad for the Soul Patch now

O

Now that you've been out with a real man

And by a real man, I mean a man who showers

I think it's so adorable how obsessed you are with this guy

I just can't picture you guys on a date, you know what I mean?

Who said it was a date ever?

- You - You

You get very excited when you talk to this man

Listen, Dr. Gervitz is moving his practice to New York City.

Yeah

Brian is not gonna go with him, and he

He's just been asking me if

I would want to, you know, replace him

You're going?

O

You can't do that to me

I just wanted to see how you'd react. Look at you. You can't live without me

"What do I do? How do I sign it? How do I pay for it?"

No. You kind of played with me a little bit, though.

You could've told me that earlier

You're just messing with me? Trying to get me a little jealous, weren't you?

No. I just was having fun teasing you

That was fun. Why? Were you jealous?

No. Get outta here. Was ljealous? No

Look at you. You're grinning, you can't stop what is that smile?

I didn't know you had that many teeth

I know. I got like 55 teeth

No. So there's nothing?

You and... There's nothing?

No love connection?

No. Nothing

Well, then, that's a shame

What?

That coconut getting in the way tonight

That's a shame, don't you think?

- No. - No, that was bad

The coconut. You're lucky that coconut was there

You couldn't... You wouldn't have been able to handle it

Maybe you're right

You got more tricks that I don't know about?

- I don't know - Okay.

I don't know anything

- Mommy? - Mommy?

Hi, guys! Hey! What're you doing?

- The babysitter fell asleep - Great.

I mean, come on, it's like a Hawaiian Rosa, huh?

- Is it? - Oh, my God

- Yeah, that's asleep - Look at that.

- Wow. - She's out deep

All right. Good to see you guys

Good night

Good job. One more day of lying, guys

We're almost done. Home stretch

All right. So, you gotta go to sleep

Yeah

- Tired? - Yes. Good night

- Okay. That was fun - Good job.

- Good night - Good night

- Good night - All right.

Okay, Danny

Okay, good luck. I'll see you in the morning

She ain't going to sleep

Hello! There he is, Danny!

It's nice to meet you

- Where were you going? - What?

I was going... I was going to

Where were you guys? I was looking for you guys at

What happened? How was the dinner?

Dolph gave mouth-to-mouth to a sheep

Yeah. And then we had a few drinks

Yes. It was choking and so I gave him sheep-P-R

But he was the black sheep of the family

but he was also white, if that makes any sense

And we've been talking about how amazing this trip has been and how amazing you are

Yeah, all joking aside, it really has been first-class

And that, if the kids and I hadn't kept you so busy,

that you might've had the time to do something

you've been thinking about doing?

The one ringy-dingy?

Yeah, you told her about that?

I don't need you to get me a ring, Danny

Let's just get married. Right here

What now?

Why not? We're in Hawaii Let's do it tomorrow.

I mean, this has felt special from the moment that we met

And I've seen the way that you are with the kids,

and it's exactly the way I always imagined my husband would be.

Oh, man

I don't wanna wait. I just wanna start my life with you

Hi!

Hi, everybody!

Dolph

There you are. I have been looking everywhere for you

- For me? - Yes. Come here. Come on, let's go

- No way, we can't go - What?

My little Oompa Loompa

Danny and Palmer

they're getting married tomorrow!

- What? - No, no, I mean, why?

Yeah, we are. But what do you think?

What do you mean, what do I think?

I mean, what does it matter what I think? I think that's great.

Thank you, Devlin

I really hope that you can be there tomorrow

I can't

It's really... It's bad luck for the ex to be at the wedding

Come on, Dolph. Let's go

Where are we going? They are here

We gotta have the sweet sex

- What? - Okay? Come on

Okay. Congratulations, though

I'm trying them on as we speak

I know, but I just bought them

I had some with me and the one I have on is pretty amazing

Michael!

Nincompoop!

Nincompoopenschticl

Michael, the crap is the stinking

- Hello? - Hey, you up?

Hi. Yeah. Glad you called

Are you?

Yeah, I was just checking flights

for your parents tomorrow and I found.

No, no, no. You don't have to do that

Her parents aren't coming in and she wants it to be kind of elope-y

Elope-V

Got it

Okay, so, are you all set for what you need to wear tomorrow?

Do you think this is a good idea?

What? The wedding?

Yeah, the wedding... Just the whole Palmer thing

Well, that's why we came out here, right?

I guess

You don't think it's crazy?

Danny, you don't need my permission

Okay? You're a big boy

I know, I just

I know if I do this that

Just, things could get weird between you and me at the office, so

Well, you're not gonna have to worry about that.

You going to New York?

Yeah. I just, you know, I mean

As much as I was looking forward to you

reconstructing my face,

I really just need to start fresh, you know?

Hello, are you there?

You understand?

I guess

It's an awful lot of guessing coming through this phone.

I've been divorced, I have two kids, I don't have time for guessing.

Got a big day tomorrow, Doc, all right?

So why don't you just get yourself some sleep?

So that's it. You have nothing else to worry about

We have the flowers, the music and the location

which is ha-wowie, by the way you're gonna love it.

I promise you it is going to be

the most wonderful day of your life guaranteed.

- Devlin - Yeah.

Palmer! I didn't

Well, you just look absolutely beautiful

- Really? Thank you - Yes.

- Devlin, can I ask you something? - 'Course.

Do you still want to be with Danny?

- Wait. What? - Because I think that

he still may be in love with you

Really?

Why would you think that?

He's always glowing when you're around

And he laughs at yourjokes He doesn't laugh at mine.

Palmer, trust me, there is nothing between me and Danny

We're just, you know

we're familiar

And you are the girl for him

He even told me that last night

My God, Devlin, this is such a relief

because I could never stand a chance going up against you.

Turn around. Tell me if this fits

- Put the hanger up your nose - Stop!

Excuse me

- Here you go - Thank you.

Katherine!

- Katherine! - Oh, Devlin

- That was so much fun last night - I know.

I am still trying to work out how you cheated

I didn't. That's what happened

So, where's Danny?

Devlin

Danny's at his wedding

Come again?

I was never married to him

All a big lie that I made up

VVhy?

Cause I couldn't stand the thought of you knowing the truth.

Really?

So, yeah, I'm a single mother

I have two kids that I love more than anything in the world

I drive a Honda

Still have dial-up internet

I got a 2.7 GPA in college, not a 3.4

And while I'm at it telling the truth

I named my kids' poop after you

And I work for Danny. I'm his assistant That's it.

Really, I would never have guessed this I mean, you two had a real connection.

He's great. He's the greatest guy

And I might even be in love with him, but

that doesn't really matter at this moment

because he is getting married to another person right now.

Ian and I are breaking up

What? What happened?

Well, for starters, he's gay

- He's gay? - I mean, look at him

That's a strong muscle right there I'm squeezing.

Devlin, I gotta tell you, last night with the ass grab of the coconut

little bit of a red flag

I've seen him do that with the soap

What about the iPod?

- He didn't invent shit - He didn't?

No! He made his money suing the Dodgers after he got hit by a foul ball.

Oh, God! That's so... What?

Well, this is different

Yeah, why didn't we try this truth-telling thing before?

I don't know

- He - He

- What? - That's nice

It's nice to tell the truth. That's good

The truth is fun, isn't it?

Like, were you telling the truth when you said you might be in love with me?

- I'm gonna leave you two - Okay.

- I'm gonna go get a divorce - Good luck.

Wait, where are my kids?

Palmer took them out for ice cream

So, how was the wedding?

Okay. All right

So, we're standing on top of this beautiful cliff

I start looking out into the Pacific and I think to myself,

Wow. I am about to start my life

with the one I love

And the only problem was, the one I love was not with me

- She wasn't? - She was not

So you didn't?

- I couldn't. - You couldn't

I mean, don't we have something extra happening with us?

Danny, I

What happens when we're not on fake-cation and you wake up and realize this is real?

You are the only real thing I've ever had in my life.

Danny, come on, man. I don't

She's beautiful and she's I'm not twenty-three.

I'm not that

She's good, she's very nice, there's only one problem. She's not you

She's not you

I have two kids

I can'tjust drive them off a cliff. You know?

I love those kids more than anything in the world, Guv'nor.

No, I wanna be with those guys like 23 hours a day.

What about the other hour?

Good job!

- That's what I'm talking about - Whatever!

Well, everything turned out pretty good for everybody.

Squirt got to swim with the dolphins

Palmer met some tennis player her own age on the plane ride home,

who's an even bigger fan of 'N Sync

And Maggie's about to start a three-week acting class

with the actual Dolph Lundgren

And what happened for me?

Well, I'm finally wearing my wedding ring for real.

And now when women ask me about it,

I'm gonna tell them I'm married to a woman who doesn't beat me,

doesn't cheat on me,

doesn't drink... Well, doesn't drink that much

And who I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with.

A woman named Katherine

Would you like to dance with your wife Doctor Macoabee?

Yes, I would, Mrs. Maccabee

Yeah, it's okay

One more

You were right, Soul Patch is going hard on that bass

What did I tell you?

- Encore, man. I'm just kidding - Stop.

I get it. It is long and it's gross

You don't need wind for that thing to swing around.