Original subtitles

Damn!

This is a good cigar.

You can tell a good cigar by the way it feels.

And this feels like a good cigar.

Look at that smoke.

That's good cigar smoke there, boy. [Chuckles]

But I ain't here to talk about cigars.

I'm here to tell you that, uh...

I'm gonna kill one of them kids.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I love 'em.

They my blood. I give 'em the shirt off my back.

You ever see a chicken with his neck wrung?

Layin' to the side all lazy and weak?

That's what I'm gonna do to them kids. Talk back to me one more time, snap!

I'm gonna snap their neck off. [Chuckles]

They're too sassy. They're too grown today.

They talk back too much.

I know what you're sayin', America. I don't care what you're talkin' about.

"Bernie Mac cruel. Bernie Mac beat his kids."

I don't care. That's your opinion.

'Cause you don't know the story. You don't know what went down.

And they're not my kids.

So why are you mad at him?

Because he turned you in?

Girl, you stole from him. I would've turned you in.

America, let's talk. Yeah, my sister's on drugs.

That's okay. Some of your family members messed up too.

What am I supposed to do? Allow these three kids...

to go to the state or some foster home or some white couple?

Now hold on. This ain't about race.

It's not about race. I just don't wanna hear 'em...

[Stilted Diction] Talkin' all proper like that. Know what I'm sayin'?

That's all I'm tryin' to say, or they gotta sit there...

and share food with 40 other kids?

No, that ain't right. I'm tryin' to do the right thing.

[Voice Breaking Up] And sometimes the right thing may not be the right thing.

- Well, I'm gonna do the right thing. - Just be careful.

Did you hear what I said?

You don't know what you're getting yourself into.

Are you listening to me?

- Yeah. Yeah. - Bernie Mac?

I feel for his sister. But what does Bernie Mac know about raising kids?

He's a comedian. He tells "yo mama" jokes.

And how am I gonna explain to AT&T that I'm late for work again...

because my husband's taping a TV show...

and I spent the morning cleaning poop out of the light socket?

They don't play that. They are AT&T.

That's... just my opinion.

[Tires Screech]

?? [Man Singing]

- Yo, you're Bernie Mac! - ?? [Continues]

Can I get your autograph?

[Chuckles] King of Comedy!

?? [Ends]

- Excuse me. Are you Bernie Mac? - Yeah, I'm Bernie.

- Are you waiting for three children? - Yeah!

- We have a little problem. - What's the problem?

What do you mean they don't want to get off the plane?

The two girls are fine, but the little boy just freaked out on our descent.

He was crying. Then he started coughing. He sounded pre-asthmatic.

I know, because my nephew Timmy is a "pre," sounds exactly like that.

Anyway, he kept saying he wanted to go home. It was really sad.

- Oh, and I think he wet his pants. - Uh...

- I told Stephanie to give him some wings... - Sir, I get it.

- Thank you. - Okay. Mr. Mac?

- Yes? - They're this way.

Thank you.

Hey! Hey, kids!

- It's your Uncle Bernie. - [Screaming]

What the hell was that?

?? [Whistling] Hey, young man...

I'm so sorry about steppin' on your foot.

[Clears Throat]

Listen, you all are gonna really love it here. You are.

It's gonna feel just like home, trust me.

- Oh, you live in the projects? - [Chuckles]

You're pretty funny there, little girl. Pretty funny there!

Real nice. Hey, look at that.

Look at that. Look at that big ass donut.

Anybody want a big ass donut?

That's the best big ass donut I ever had in my life.

Damn!

Mmmm!

Anybody sure they don't want a bite of this big ass donut?

We don't feel like eating.

Good. You ain't gotta eat.

You ain't hurtin' me. I'm full.

My stomach hurt anyway.

Psychology.

You know what I should've got?

Damn! I should've got a big ass chocolate milk. Mmm!

[Laughing] Uncle Bernie, you're funny.

- Y'all think I'm funny, man? - [Laughing]

- [Coughing] - [Crying]

- Bryana, what's wrong, baby? What's wrong with you? - I want a donut too.

Aw, baby, ain't no problem. Here.

You can have anything you want. Whatever you want, just ask your Uncle Bernie. Hear?

- Can I have a big ass bike? - Watch your mouth.

?? [Whistling]

- [Coughs] - All right, kids.

- Home sweet home. - [Coughing Continues]

Hey!

Come in! Come in!

Welcome home!

- Oh, you kids have grown! - Hi, Aunt Wanda.

[Chuckles] Oh!

Now, I know you kids have been through a lot lately...

and I want you to know that we love you very much, okay?

Could you spend the day with us, Aunt Wanda?

Aw, sweetness...

your Aunt Wanda would like nothing better than to spend tomorrow...

fillin' her heart bowl with your sugar.

But your Aunt Wanda works for AT&T, precious, and she can't just up and miss.

- They don't play that. - Okay.

[Bernie] In order for us to live as a family...

I gotta set down a few house rules.

First, this is my house. Don't get me wrong.

This is our home, but this is my house.

Mi casa es mi casa.

- [Coughing] - Close your mouth, boy.

Second, in my house, this is all my stuff.

And you are not to touch my stuff without my permission.

Let me break it down. Don't touch my TV.

Don't touch my D.V.D.

Don't touch my dual-deck V.C.R.

And most definitely don't touch the remote...

that works the TV, the D. V.D. And the dual-deck V.C.R.

- Any questions? - Can we tou...

No, you can't touch nothin'. Don't look at it. When you walk past it, close your eyes.

Come on over here. I got somethin' else very important to show you.

This is deep. [Grunts]

Don't touch my old school...

my new school, my slow jams...

my party jams, my happy rap.

And you better not touch... myJames Brown...

or somebody's really gonna get hurt.

- You understand? - [Whimpers]

Now, y'�ll children, come on:

Let's have some ice cream. Come on.

"Bernie Mac, why you so strict?"

Tough love's good for 'em. I don't play.

Never did play. This small, never smiled or nothin'.

Hated school 'cause they had recess.

Teacher told me to go outside for recess. I didn't go, 'cause I don't play.

[Crash]

Didn't I tell you not to touch this, boy?

Didn't I tell you not to touch this, Jordan? Yes or no?

- [Jordan Sobbing] - Oh, man, come on. Don't start.

What did I say? Stop that cryin'.

All I did was ask a question.

- [Sobbing Continues] - Oh, no, you're not. No, you're not!

You wettin' on yourself? Are you wettin' on yourself?

- Come here, boy! Come here! - [Shouting]

Don't you run from me! I'm too old for this! Man, come here!

[Panting]

I'm cool.

Everything is cool.

If it don't apply, let it fly.

You know.

I'm too old.

[TV.' Indistinct]

- What? - I need to go to the store.

I need to go to the Bahamas. Got a solution?

[Clears Throat]

- What you need to go to the store for, baby girl? - I need to pick up some things.

- We got things here. - No.

I need to pick up some, uh, personal things.

What type of personal things you need to...

Oh, no, no. You're only thir...

Oh, man, don't do that. You're only 13 years old, man.

- Whoo! - [Tapping On Table]

[Jordan] I need my medicine.

[Horn Honking]

- [Coughing] - Oh... Oh, Jordan!

- Why didn't you tell me? - [Coughing Continues]

Cover your... Cover your mouth, boy. That's nasty.

Hey!

Hey-hey-hey! Hey, you're Bernie Mac, ain't ya?

- Hey, brother, how ya doin'? - Aw, Bernie, man.

- I ain't ate in two weeks, brother. Two weeks! - You kiddin'. Just two?

It's been so long, I forgot what food tastes like anymore.

- You know what? I wouldn't even worry about it. - No?

- No. - Why not?

- 'Cause it still tastes the same. - Aw!

- Man, you dead weight. I don't even like your ass! - Yeah, right. Yeah, okay.

- We got the fax from his doctor in Chicago. - Oh, good!

- We have his medicines in stock. Just sign here. - Good. Good.

- Sign right here? - Yeah. Has he had any Proventil today?

- Pro who? - Proventil. It's for his cough.

He wasn't coughin' this mornin'.

What about Tilade or Flovent?

No, he's cool. I gave him a couple of Vicks about a half an hour ago.

You gave him cough drops?

Yeah. The cherry bubble gum kind.

No. This boy is pre-asthmatic.

Unless you use a steroidal inhaler, he's gonna be in a lot of trouble.

- Are you the legal guardian? - Look, I'm doin' the best I can.

Just give me my medicine, please.

The cherry bubble gum kind... they like that. It's sweet.

- [Jordan] Give it back! - [Bryana] No!

- Please, can I have the cherry bubble gum? - [Jordan, Bryana Arguing]

- I'll be right back. - [Jordan] Give it back!

- Hey, hey, hey. Look, look, look. Stop. - Give it back!

- Mine! - Stop this arguing. Stop it. Stop it.

- She won't give it back! - Jordan, Jordan, Jordan!

There's hundreds of boxes of cereal on there.

- Get some Count Chocolate or somethin'. - I don't want Count Chocula!

- I want mine! - Boy, quit being so soft here!

You always cryin'. You gotta be a man.

- I don't wanna be a man! - [Stammering]

- I want my cereal! - Boy, you gettin' ready...

You ain't fixin' to piss up in here?

- Don't... you... piss... up... in... this... store! - Ow! Ow! Ow!

Come here. Come here. What y'�ll lookin' at? What you lookin' at?

- Watch out now! Hot cold urine! - [Sobbing Continues]

Watch out! Watch out! Urine!

I know you can hold it. You can hold it, boy. Hold it!

Ain't nothin' but a little piss. Lady, look out! Lady! Lady!

- He peed on the film counter? - Urine.

- Where were you? - I was holdin' the boy.

You held him while he peed on somebody's family photos?

No, I was developin' the film faster.

What the hell you think I was doin', Wanda?

I was tryin' to get the boy to the bathroom.

I had his pants down. He ain't right.

He ain't right.

Bernie, those kids have been through hell.

He probably just misses his mama, and that's his way of expressing it.

When I was his age, baby, I missed my daddy too...

but I still held my damn bowels.

- That's good. - At some point, the boy got to be a man.

I think that point is 18, not eight.

Not everybody is as strong as Bernie Mac, you know.

- You got that right. - Mm-hmm.

[Jordan Coughing]

Medicine time.

- I gotta get used to this, I'm telling you. - You will. You will.

- ?? [Man Singing] - [No Audible Dialogue]

?? [Continues]

?? [Ends]

Wait. Wait. He was in love with GraceJones.

- Come on. Come on. - You told me that!

- It's on you, Bernie Mac. It's on you. - [Laughing]

Or should I call you "Daddy Mac." He got babies now.

- Oh, that's wrong. - Changing diapers.

Hey, homes, if you needed kids, man, you could've asked me.

- I got a couple I ain't usin'. - And a couple he ain't seen.

Y'�ll real, real funny. Real funny.

You play with a puppy, he'll lick you in the mouth.

- You pet a dog, you'll get your ass bit. - You'll get your ass bit.

- You ain't lyin' right there. - Too funny.

- Yes? - [Dialing]

- May I help you? - [Door Closes]

[Laughing] Did you see...

She probably just didn't wanna interrupt.

That's her way of showing you respect. [Laughing Continues]

- Give me the phone. - [Vanessa] What phone?

- See what I mean? - I'm not gonna knock again, Vanessa.

Can you hold on, please?

Who in the... Nessa!

He is trippin', okay?

I'll call you back. Okay. Bye.

Didn't I tell you don't touch nothin' without my permission?

- You didn't say the phone. - I didn't say the phone?

You said, don't touch the TV, the V.C.R., the D.V. D...

your old school, your new school and your happy rap...

but you never said we couldn't touch the phone.

Technically, she's right. Technically.

It ain't about the phone. It's about the simple things in life, about teaching you respect.

- You understand? - Whatever.

"Whatever"? "Whatever" ain't no answer.

"Whatever"? "Whatever" ain't no answer.

How about, "Yes, sir, Uncle Bernie"?

- You hear what I said? - You ain't none of my daddy.

I ain't none of your what?

What'd you say to me?

Let me tell you somethin'. I got news for you.

- I'm not tryin' to be your daddy. - Good.

I'm..."Good"? "Good"?

Can you believe this? Y'�ll keep watchin'.

It gets worse. "Good."

Like I'm a sissy or some... Okay.

You keep on talkin' to me with that attitude, little girl...

I may not be your daddy, but I'll whup your ass just like your daddy.

And you'll go tojail like you was my daddy too.

Ooh.

[Bangs On Door]

- [Bangs On Door] - Don't come out.

I'm gonna bust your head till the white meat... Come out!

That's right. I said, I'm gonna bust her head till the white meat show.

I ain't ashamed that I said it. Ain't nobody gonna make me take it back.

Corporal punishment? I spanked the boy on his behind in the store.

- Who told you that? - That's not important, Mr. Mac.

- What's impor... - No, Mr. Cooley. Who told you that?

- Well, the oldest girl. - Vanessa?

You can't believe anything she said. She's just a child, Mr. Cooley.

She also said that you threatened to "whup her like you were her daddy."

She... She dissed me in front of my boys, Mr. Cooley.

Come on. You just don't do that.

Okay. Did you also say, you're going to "bust her head till the white meat shows"?

- That's... They're my boys. - Mr. Mac...

- Come on. - Mr. Mac, between that and the profanity...

Hold on. I don't use no profanity in front of those children.

That's a lie. Who told you that?

You didn't say, "big ass donut"?

- Who... Who told you that? - The littlest one.

- But the point is... - My family...

- I'm here to help, not to hinder. - Bunch of stool pigeons.

You want the kids to live here.

- I want the kids to live here. - You know I want the kids to live here. Come on!

Neither of us wants a situation.

- Come on, Cooley. - Are you a smoker?

- Cigars. Every now and then, I smoke a cigar. - But you don't...

No. No. I smoke in the den if I do.

- Only in the den. My wife... - [Jordan Coughing]

In the den. My wife, she don't like it.

- I swear. - [Coughing Continues]

Tryin' to take my babies from me.

They take my babies from me, I'm lost.

Without them, I'm nothin'.

Lord, you know I do everything you ask.

You can take the kids, but you can't take my babies.

[Sighs] Y'�ll got the camera on.

Ain't nothin' sacred. Cut the camera off.

- [Bryana] I'm scared. - Bryana?

Come here, baby girl.

- What you scared of? - You.

Me? Why you scared of me?

I'm sorry I broke your record.

- You told me not to touch it, but I touched it. - Oh!

I didn't mean to, but I did.

That's all right.

Don't worry about it. I can replace it.

- Really? - No. [Chuckles]

But if you say you're sorry, that's the right thing to do.

And I forgive you.

And I'm sorry if I scared you, okay?

Okay. I forgive you.

You forgive me?

Thank you, baby girl.

Come on. Let's get back to bed. Come on.

- Uncle Bernie? - Huh?

Are you our daddy now?

Wow.

No. I'm still old Uncle Bernie, okay?

Can I call you Uncle Daddy?

No. You keep calling me Uncle Bernie.

- Okay? - Okay.

Come on.

You see what I'm talkin' about?

See what I'm sayin'?

What am I supposed to do? Hide my feelings? Lie?

Come on, America. We're family. You and I are family.

When I say I wanna kill those kids, you know what I mean.

I don't have to explain. Come on.

Bernie Mac just say what you wanna say, but can't.

But that's all right. I'm the bad guy.

I'll be the bad guy. See, I just...

I'm sorry.

Now, that's a start. That's most definitely a start.

See, America? Y'�ll thought I was all wrong and everything. Y'�ll...

I'm sorry too.

"Sorry"? What did you do?

You don't know? [Mutters]

Cut the camera off.

Cut the camera off. Come here!

Come here!

Hey, look!

- Hey, how ya doin'? - I can't believe it's you!

- Okay. Okay. - Grandma! Grandpa!

- Do they know you? - I... I...

Grandpa, that's Bernie Mac. He's so funny.

- I remember when he said, "I ain't scared of your..." - Hey, hey...

Hey, just stay tight with your grandparents, okay?

- These kids sure love you. - I don't know about that.

- Thank you. Thank you. - No. Thank you.

Y'all have a good one, hear? All right.