Original subtitles

Previously, on "You Me Her"...

- Did you just say "engagement ceremony"? - Yeah.

- What the fuck? - Has everyone got enough tea?

Ibanga bark is a rare African cannabidiol

- used in interrogations. - Are you saying...

I'm saying buckle up, people.

We're all about to trip on Saharan truth serum.

That stupid fucking bar is sucking the soul straight from my ass.

- I quit, I quit, I quit. - Please come to dinner tomorrow night.

That's the reasonable request my mother has made.

My brother's rich. Oh, and his wife, yeah.

They have all the money and you don't.

It's her or me in the bed.

- Oh, come on. I'm not gonna... - Her or me.

Izzy is still on our phone plan.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

They cut me off. I don't have service.

In the stages of breakup grief,

this is when you find a reason to show up at their door.

Wait, stop. Ruining my door and cutting off my phone wasn't enough?

- I want my cinnamon whiskey, and I... - [BABIES COOING]

[SOFT MUSIC]

[ROCK MUSIC]

? ?

Yikes, right?

So embarrassing.

Sorry about that. Um, it's just...

lots of change and lots of stress.

I'm not that person that just barges in and demands her shit.

Sorry, um... it's a breakup clich�.

Give me back all my vinyls I never listen to.

- [GROANS] - So,

- what are you doing here? - I don't know.

Jizzy and Jemma there kind of threw me off a bit.

[BABY COOS]

So you did it.

- You gave birth. - Yeah.

What were the actual names again?

- Lucy and Rose. - Lucy and Rose.

Although, at this point, they both respond to either,

- which is super cool of them. - [LAUGHS]

Because you can't tell them apart. Yeah, I get it. It was good.

[SOFT MUSIC]

? ?

Right, um...

Wouldn't it suck if you were expecting a phone call from Lucy and Rose,

and then somebody just cut off your phone? I mean,

- how would that make you feel? - Confused,

you know, but also pretty impressed.

Because they'd be babies making phone calls.

[LAUGHS]

Well, my kid... I mean,

this kid that I was working with in Otay Mesa, um,

he's lost in the system.

So not having a phone has made that pretty fucking stressful.

So there's that.

Feels like maybe somebody should get her own cell plan, huh?

Touch�, Jack Trakarsky.

Guess I will just grab my shit and be on my way then.

Um, there's the cinnamon whiskey

and my favorite vape, and...

It's all actually in a box.

Are you sure you don't want to hold one?

Yeah, no, I'm... I'm sure, I'm totally sure.

- Here you go. - Thanks.

That's all the stuff.

- Cool, well, uh, I'm late. I have a dinner. - With Nathan?

Well, we have also been dipping our toe in the dating pool.

Yeah. Yeah, we...

we got this really cool app for poly dating.

- That's cool. What's it called? - It's called...

- well, I don't know. You found it. - Did I?

- Poly... Poly... - Poly...

- Um... - Uh...

Ana? No, that was the...

- Poly... Nate. - Polynate.

Like the bees. Because they have a lot of sex.

Okay, well, that makes no sense at all.

But, um, good for you guys.

- You know, straying out of your safe zone again. - Yeah.

- Diving into the poly pool. - Mm-hmm.

- It's good. - So, um...

we should probably get our key back.

Yeah, we don't want any of these, like, awkward collisions.

Right, yeah, of course.

[SOFT MUSIC]

? ?

Actually really good timing for me as well.

Trying to shed the weight, you know? Lighten the cosmic load.

Get back to essential me.

[MELANCHOLY ACOUSTIC PLUCKING]

? ?

Okay, then.

Like I said, I'm late.

- Polynate? - I don't know.

I just hope it exists.

- [PHONE CLICKS] - Uh, shockingly, no.

Holy shit, there are a ton of poly dating apps here.

Like, a ton. Hmm.

Hmm.

[MELLOW ROCK MUSIC]

? ?

Nathan? Are you home?

[MUSIC PLAYING DISTANTLY OVER SPEAKERS]

Do you have any wine?

Second-guessing taking Fireball to a family dinner featuring

a teenager and my dad, the reformed alcoholic.

? ?

- Whoa! - Whoa, why?

- Hello. - Hi.

- Did you just walk in? - No, you gave me the key.

Uh, remember, in case the Nina and Shaun situation

got all squonky? It's all kinds of squonk now.

So I used the key.

Got it, got it. Squonk means bad.

Yeah, um, I was running early,

so I thought we could go together.

You left your shower running, by the way.

Right, yes, uh, about that.

I'm actually right in the middle of something.

- So maybe... - Oh, yes. You're still charged.

I can chill. I can chill till you're ready.

Okay, well, how about we grab coffee tomorrow

and talk about this, all right? Because I'm really

- in the middle of something. - Do you feel transformed at all?

By the experience?

I didn't feel different.

[SPEAKS FRENCH] Nathan, reviens-moi, mon amour.

[SPEAKS FRENCH] Un instant, s'il te pla�t, ch�rie.

- You speak French? - Yep.

Sorry, is...

All�?

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

? ?

Uh, so let me get this straight.

I spent eight years becoming a licensed psychologist,

and you went to the...

Betsy Kempler Institute of Emotional Fitness

for about a minute, and you charge more than I did?

Which begs the question. What the actual fuck am I doing here?

And during those eight years,

you took the expected and conventional path

towards an expected and conventional goal.

And yet here you are,

in my ground-level office,

lost and uninspired.

Maybe the inspiration you're looking for

needs to come from a unexpected and nontraditional source.

Me.

Weird pitch, but sure. I'm here, you're here.

- Let's do this thing. - Okay, great. Nina...

- may I call you Nina? - That's my name.

- Yeah. - Thank you, Nina. Nina.

Nina, Nina, Nina. Nina, Nina-reeno.

- Neener. Get me a Neener on line Neen. - Maybe a bit less.

- Okay. Sorry, I got a bit of a nickname thing. - Yeah.

Nina, here's the thing, Nina.

The difference between a career coach and a therapist is here,

we are entirely goal-oriented.

Eyes on the prize, clearing a path to your ideal future.

So it's like therapy but without the pervy uncle stories?

Yeah, basically. That's really well-put, actually.

But let's go back to your initial question,

which I thought was a good one.

What the actual fuck are you doing here?

Besides the Groupon? Um, I don't know.

I mean, I tried working as a therapist.

I hated it, and then I tried working at a bar,

and I hated that even more, so.

Hmm, sounds like you want to set some new goals.

Make yourself more accountable to your aspirations

so you can turn your A-game into your stay game.

Have you given much thought to whether that actually means anything?

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

Hello? Did you power down or...

Oh, no, sorry, sorry. Um, sometimes, I like to think about

what the great Wayne Dryer once said.

- It's Dyer. - He said don't...

And let's mark this as the exact moment

when I realized I could've had a 60-minute shiatsu

- for the exact same price. - Yeah.

Let's also mark it as the moment when I realized

that I'm a total fraud, huh? How about that?

It's just basically a compilation of lazy corporate clich�s

performed by a regional cover band! [LAUGHS]

Sorry for that minor emotional break.

I probably shouldn't even charge you.

I mean, I still will, but...

- You're still here. Why? - Honestly?

You are super fucking weird.

But I dig it.

Maybe we can help each other?

[STIRRING MUSIC]

? ?

Iz, uh, hey. You in there?

- Izzy. - Hi, hi, that's my name.

What's up, party people? [LAUGHS]

Who's this one?

Well, Izzy, meet Zoe. Zoe, this is Izzy.

- We were at the border together. - Uh, were we?

Didn't catch you there.

'Cause it's...

it's a long border.

So sorry. Uh, is it...

- is it Chloe? Bowie? - Yes, my parents were huge

Ziggy Stardust fans.

Shut up! Same.

Right, well, I'm in a towel, so.

Yes, yes, you are.

[SPEAKS FRENCH] D�sol�, hein.

[CLEARS THROAT]

- Her name is Zoe. - That's a great story.

She is way too pretty for you.

- Are you paying her? - Are you jealous?

No.

I'm just, like, totally alone in the universe.

Sorry, that's weird.

I'm not myself. Or worse, maybe I am.

In all sincerity, I hope you and Brigitte Bardot

are happy forever, so...

Look, Iz,

I know you're going through a lot right now...

No, you don't need to get all mushy, it's fine.

I'm cool. I'm an adult.

I was gonna ask for my key back.

Right, yeah.

I'm getting that a lot lately.

[TENSE MUSIC]

So after the poly workshops went south,

I just figured career coaching was a natural transition.

I did briefly market a line

of pornographic Christmas ornaments,

- which were very... - Wait, did you just say poly workshops?

- Yeah. - No way.

- Yeah. - Oh, my God.

- You're that guy? - Well...

My friend Izzy told me about you.

- Izzy. - Oh.

B-T-dubs, her dad's the one getting married

- to something called Lala. - Huh.

God, she's so fucking clueless.

You know, she's completely wasting the opportunity.

Hey, wait, did you say Izzy?

Oh, yeah, I remember those guys.

You know, if any throuple was ever gonna make

forever-and-ever work, it just might have been them.

They broke up.

- She's camped out on my couch. - I see.

She's going on about how fine she is,

but I can't hear it 'cause her heart's jangling around in there

like a million microscopic shards of searing pain.

Okay, most of what you've said so far

makes very little sense to me.

You should work on that. Well, we should work on that.

Well, maybe we should start there.

With your senselessness.

I can see that that's a bad place to start.

We'll come back to it, maybe.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

? ?

I just don't get why polyamory is seen as radical.

All the great men in the Bible had scads of wives.

Abraham, Jacob, David.

- Legendary sluts, every single one. - [LAUGHTER]

I don't know about you,

but I'm feeling some powerful God stuff

flowing through me right now.

I, um...

I don't...

I'm not sure how to respond to that.

Yeah, are you saying you're enlightened or turned on, or...

oh, both, it feels like both.

Let's take a moment to thank the Lord for bringing us together.

Uh, yeah, it was an app, actually.

Are you saying we should pray for sex? Like a sex prayer?

- Because that seems... - For creating this beautiful planet

and all its astonishing creatures great and small.

And in the midst of all that,

creating us in His image so we can experience

- His bountiful pleasures of the flesh. - Amen.

After that, I left Colorado Springs to get my PhD in Sociology,

and now I'm working at a place called Groundwork for at-risk teens.

[EXHALES]

[CLEARS THROAT]

- Did I say something wrong? - Uh, no.

No, it's just... it's, uh... it's very familiar for us.

Um, so, Ellie,

where do you stand on pizza and marijuana?

With one in each hand, thank you kindly.

And sometimes, when I don't want to get out of bed,

- I just remember that they exist. - Mm, mm-hmm.

- Could you just give us a quick minute? - Yeah, just...

- Just gonna have a... - Brief...

- Yeah. - Yeah, sure.

- It's not... Huddle one minute. - Yeah.

- She's like a clone. - I know.

Is it super cool or super creepy?

Okay, please tell me there's no version of our life

in which we hook up with a near-duplicate

of our ex and it's super cool.

- So... - So no, obviously.

- Hi. - Hi, um, this isn't gonna work out.

- I'm sorry, it's... it's not you. - No.

It's just that you look a lot like...

- Someone. - My... my first, um, cousin.

Extremely weird. So thanks.

Yay, now we're fucking our cousin.

- Enjoy that pizza. - Bye.

Now we're fucking our cousin. Thanks, honey.

If you told me two years ago

when I was still married that I'd be sitting in a bar

talking about polyamory,

well, first of all, I would've asked,

"What the hell is polyamory?"

And then, second of all, I would've been, like, what?

You guys seem cool, though.

I mean, I... I mostly attract the super high-grade pervs.

I mean, that's my demo. That is my base.

I'm just gonna stop talking,

take a drink, and let you guys talk.

- Uh, well... - Okay.

Okay, for the record, you also seem pretty cool.

- Yeah. - Which, if it's not obvious

from that sentence, we objectively are not.

Yeah, we're going through a bit of a rough patch recently.

Well, don't want to get into all that. We just want to...

first of all, we want to make sure you're not into something

called "food play."

We accidentally included some leading buzzwords

in our profile, you know? Appetite, taste.

- Yeah, which we since revised. - Yes.

But still, there's some people that are...

that get the wrong idea about what we're looking for.

Uh, well, I mean, keeping on the food theme.

Do you guys like apples?

- Sure. - My apartment's two blocks from here.

How do you like them apples?

"Good Will Hunting." Well played.

[LAUGHTER]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Look at us.

First family dinner.

Ah, I think tradition is so important. Don't you, Izzy?

Sure. Yeah, why not?

Yeah, and, you know, maybe as we go forward,

we could develop our own traditions

that don't include a bottle of Fireball whiskey

on the table with a teenager and a recovering alcoholic.

Cool?

Oh, man, I feel like I should pay you or something.

- How's that? - I mean, you're such an epic hot mess

that the bulb is always over your head instead of mine.

Aw, I remember that exact expression in the mirror.

Unearned arrogance and a gelatinous frontal lobe.

- Oh, thank you. - Well, Ben and I were hoping

that we could come together as one big family.

- Right, Ben? - Mm-hmm.

- On that note. - Mmm.

- Babe, this is a masterpiece. - Thank you, honey.

I don't know if it's just me, but I usually like

a bit more tuna in my tuna casserole.

It's right there in the name but barely present on the plate.

Oh, there's no tuna. It's vegan.

- We're vegan. - You're vegan.

Well, that actually reminds me of something my dad used to say.

How did it go again, Dad? Um...

That you'd give up meat when they pry it from your cold, dead colon?

- Is that how it went? - So gross. So gross.

- I forgot how funny you are. - I wasn't joking.

He actually did say that.

It's so good to have you back.

You have no idea how much Ben missed you.

Really? He's been so busy infiltrating Hawthorne Heights.

I'm surprised he even remembered me.

No, I know you called when you could,

and he certainly tried not to bombard you.

But I think it drove him crazy sometimes.

[SOFT MUSIC]

Sorry.

You had kids to save.

So, Izzy, about the wedding.

Ben and I were hoping that you and Alex could play key roles

as a way to bring us closer together. We'll keep it casual.

Uh, just stop at my granddad's weekend house.

Oh, that makes sense, yeah.

Having it at your family's place.

Um, could you give us a minute, please?

I'm actually having dinner.

- Uh-oh, sis is in trouble. - Put it down.

What exactly is your problem?

Because it seems like everything

and everyone is pissing you off.

Maybe I'm still developing a clear point of view,

so going with generically Dicky

- till I nail it down. - Okay, well, how about I nail it down for you?

You're acting like a child.

Yeah, well...

honestly, I feel like one.

And it really fucking pisses me off because I got my doctorate,

I'm doing frontline work, I'm almost 30.

Like, when does adult me kick in?

You have any insight on that?

Never.

You're officially bad at this.

Every time I walk by a mirror,

I scream a little inside,

because I feel like I'm 34, and I'm not.

And that was my best hair year.

Dad... Dad...

I mean, if you're waiting for a tidal wave of maturity,

or some transformational moment where the heavens open up

and drench you in wisdom,

that ain't gonna happen.

[SOFT MUSIC]

You are growing and changing every day.

And even if you don't see it, I do.

And I'm very proud of you.

? ?

That's better.

Thank you.

And, for the record,

I love the hell out of that woman.

So I'm gonna need you to stop being an asshole.

? ?

I think I can do that.

? ?

- Are you guys okay? - Ah, oh, yes.

Sorry, um...

I know it's unusual to have a sober second thought

when you're finishing up your nightcaps, but...

This is a big leap for us. I mean, becoming poly people.

- Yeah. - No, I... I get it.

I am down to my last drops

of what passes for cool in my world.

Quietly, politely losing my shit over here.

[LAUGHS]

- Something wrong? - Kinda, yeah.

There's something that I wanna say.

- Something that I need to say. - Just say it.

- Yeah. - It's not a big deal to us.

I'm... I'm really, really sorry.

- For what? - Well, we all know that I was inappropriate.

- Oh. - No, no, no.

Yes, yes, I have been rude, crass,

loud, and just disrespectful.

- No, I didn't notice anything. Did you? - Yeah, don't be too hard on yourself.

These are always weird, these, like...

- Yeah, they're just awkward. - I will never know my place

unless I know that there are serious,

consistent consequences for my bad behavior.

Your place. Did you hear that? Her place.

- Just to be clear, we're talking about... - Corporal punishment, yes.

? ?

I think we all know what needs to happen next.

Uh, do we? Do we all know?

Do we know?

When we get to my apartment,

I'm gonna bend over the couch,

and you two are gonna go to town

on my tender little bum-bum.

Gotta pee!

? ?

- So, um, Izzy? - Mm-hmm?

I was thinking maybe you'd like

to come dress-shopping with me for the wedding.

So, Izzy, what do you say? Shall we

get some fun coffees and make a day of it?

Well, yeah, I mean, that sounds...

yeah, well, that sounds...

well, it sounds like

- dress-shopping with my dad's fianc�e. - Oh! [LAUGHS]

You know, I just have to say, I would never try to replace your mother.

- Oh, no. - And, loosely related,

I really want to start this new chapter of our lives

on a clean slate, you know?

Nothing but good vibes coming in and heading out of this union.

So I was hoping you'd help me convince your father

to invite Jess to the wedding.

- My mother. - No fucking way.

I mean, no, no, that... that can't happen.

- No, that is... - No, that is not...

- Terrible idea. - Not gonna happen.

It's... no... like, Jess and I have made our peace over the phone,

and we are all good.

That will... that'll be a disaster, okay?

- Honestly, she's a fucking nightmare. - Yeah, no.

Ben, honey.

- We talked about this. - I...

And this is absolutely how the conversation has to end.

My mother is going to stay safely tucked away in Colorado,

where she belongs.

- So back to my bonding terms. - Exactly what she said.

- Wait, you have bonding terms? - Yeah, no more Trakarskys.

I'm really uncomfortable with you guys hanging out with them.

- It's really weird. - Hmm.

- Ah. - Mm.

- Why was there a group's "hmm?" - No reason.

- Dad, what? - Well, we just didn't realize

that you still feel that way about them.

Who, me? Oh, no, no, I don't.

Yeah, no, no, that's dumb. No, no, no.

No, you guys, you're dumb. You're being really dumb. I don't care

- if you guys hang out with them. - Oh, well, just a minute ago,

- you literally said that you did. - Well, it's because you misunderstood me.

- Oh. - Iz, I'm 16.

Even I know that the opposite of love isn't hate.

It's apathy, and you're clearly not apathetic towards the Trakarskys.

- Yes, I am. - Isabelle.

Don't call me Isabelle.

Only my parents call me Isabelle.

- I'm... I apologize. - No, I'm sorry... I'm sorry.

I didn't... I shouldn't... this is really...

this is really nice, thank you for inviting me.

I'm gonna go.

Izzy.

They offered me a full-time gig in Otay Mesa,

so you don't have to worry about me anymore.

Oh. Well, that's great.

[SOFT MUSIC]

I'm sorry. Thank you.

? ?

[DOOR CLICKS SHUT]

[SNORES]

[SNORES]

Neen.

Neen!

- [SNORES] - Oh, shit.

I dreamt we got a ginormous dog.

I hope we can agree it's time to talk.

My side of the conversation is actually quite brief.

Girl gotta go.

[SNORES]

[SIGHS]

Hey, wake up.

[GROANS]

We're gonna need your key back.

What?

? I don't want to need nothing ?

[SNORES]

? The answer is, I'd better be ?

? I don't got too much to hold me down ?

? No responsibilities ?

? Turn my phone off, make no sound ?

? I wonder if you'll think of me ?

? It's a cry for that ?

? Don't want to say too much, I'd say it's fine ?

? I wish that I could show up at your house like it's mine ?

? And cross the line ?

? Don't have to hold the door, I'll be just fine ?

? I'm holding it ?

? Just write a song to get you back ?

[VOCALIZING]

[INTENSE TONES]

[WHOOSHING]

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