Original subtitles

[ Machines Clattering ]

� [ Caliope Jazz Music over Machine Clattering]

[ Whistle Blowing ]

[ Hiccups ]

[ Bottles Clanking]

[ Hiccups ]

[ Bottle Corks Popping ]

[ Bottle Corks Popping ]

[ Bottles Clanking ]

[ Snoring ]

[ Match Strike followed by Sound of Cord Burning ]

[ Bottle Rocket taking off ]

� [ Caliope Jazz Continues ]

� [Jazz Band Picks-up Melody ] �...

[ Man Narrating ] This is the world as seen from the moon.

It is 238,816 miles away.

This is the continent of Europe,

covering an area of four million square miles.

And this is the Duchy of Grand Fenwick,

which covers an area of 5 miles by 3...and 7 acres.

Founded five centuries ago by an Englishman: Sir Roger Fenwick,

it is the smallest and least progressive country in the world.

Parade... March !

� [ Fanfare ]

We are witnessing preparations by the entire army for trouping the count.

Grand Fenwick clings loyally to her British traditions.

� [ March ]

One could almost imagine one's self back in London's Horse Guard's Parade.

This is the present beloved ruler of this tiny duchy,

the ever-regal: Gloriana XIII.

This is David Benter, leader of the loyal opposition,

and this is....

The hereditary prime minister is Count Rupert of Mountjoy,

one of Europe's most undistinguished statesmen.

A canny politician, he is a dedicated advocate of the fundamental doctrine...

that what's good for him is not necessarily good for the people.

As prime minister, Mountjoy accepts with pride...

his obligation to his sovereign monarch...

to fulfill his role on these state occasions.

- Fire ! A highlight of the Duchess's birthday celebration...

-Load ! Ready ! ...is a stunning salute by a crack gunnery division of the army.

-Fire !

[ Drumroll ]

� [ Fanfare ]

[ Narrator ] The combination of this moving ceremony...

is a review of the Imperial troops by Prime Minister Mountjoy.

� [ March ]

-Army... Attention !

-Now... Arms !

-Move to the left in file !

-Attention !

-Straight March !

-Eyes... Right !

Bravo ! Splendid ! Such precision.

� [ March ] Continues

That man needs a haircut.

Do up those buttons.

Filthy fingernails.

[ Narrator ] But a country can not live by pageantry alone.

Wine is the lifeblood of Grand Fenwick.

Its only products and exports are simple but pleasant wines,

which owe their delicate bouquet to the traditional method...

of pressing and bottling.

But suddenly this year,

a series of inexplicable disasters occurred.

[ Ticking ]

[ Explosion ]

[ Foghorn Blowing ]

�

I name this ship Indestructible.

[ Explosion ]

[ Narrator ] To meet Grand Fenwick's economic crisis,

an emergency meeting of the country's leaders was called.

Gentlemen, we have to face the unpleasant fact...

that our wine just doesn't travel.

But, Your Grace, our wine has traveled for centuries.

Well, it doesn't now, and even if it could it can't, because they won't let it.

You can say that again, Bobo, if you don't mind.

The fact is, Your Grace, I have today received communications from England and America.

They have banned all future imports of our wine.

Unwarranted provocation. Take it to the United Nations.

The current session of the United Nations has been suspended...

following the explosion of a case of our wine in the main canteen.

My game, I think. [ Dog Barking ]

Well, what are you gonna do about it ?

Unless we export our wines, we'll go broke.

Well, I had rather interesting... [ Explosion ] What's that ?

- Oh, I had asked our team of scientists... -Team ?

Professor Kokintz--to make a current detailed analysis of the current vintages.

We must all experiment all the time in our own way.

We are all as anxious as the next woman...

to get to the bottom of the barrel...mystery.

Well, isn't it getting time for me to open parliament?

� [ Fanfare ]

[ Gavel Bangs ]

Gentlemen, you are all aware that we face a grave crisis in the wine industry.

If we are to lose our main source of income,

then we must take new and drastic steps to save the economy.

Nay more, to save the very existence of our beloved country.

[ Man ] Such as ? -Such as...installing indoor plumbing.

Indoor plumbing ?

Precisely. Indoor plumbing to... encourage the tourist trade.

All you want is a hot bath for yourself !

Does anyone really think that our country's tragic situation....

can be rectified by installing a few indoor privies ?

Modern living demands indoor privies !

- Everyone wants them. - I don't; they're not sanitary !

Surely this is a matter which should be discussed by the privy council.

I hardly think so your grace ! It isn't that kind of privy council.

Oh, what a pity. Carry on, then.

[ Crowd Booing Outside ]

[ Woman ] Mountjoy to the gallows !

[ Man ] Save our economy ! - Good morning, Cynthia.

Oh, good morning, Uncle Bobo.

Mountjoy to the gallows !

Benter, you know the Constitution as well as I do.

I warn you, if you don't keep that daughter of yours under control,

I shall have her beheaded... or worse.

Oh, you try. Just you try.

Gentlemen, gentlemen ! To business.

To business.

To carry out this new economic policy,

I intend asking the United States for financial aid.

Oh, please, Uncle Sam, we want a loan for our plumbing for our castle.

No, never, never.

Do you really think I would allow the American government...

to know the true reason why we seek a loan ?

Accuse me of anything you like, but never of being an amateur.

But Bobo, didn't I read that their nice young president...

you know, What's-His-Name-- had just drastically reduced all foreign aid ?

Precisely, Your Grace. But remember the Americans are a strange people.

Above all, they want to be loved,

especially by the uncommitted nations.

They will spare no expense to make themselves popular.

I propose that we request a loan for research...

to build a rocket to send a man to the moon.

- Rocket ? We can't even build fireworks. - [ Men Laughing ]

Right. The Americans will not give us one penny...

if we had the remotest chance of sending a rocket anywhere,

but they are always talking about international co�peration in space.

And this offers them the opportunity without risk, as they say in Texas,

to put their money where their mouth...was.

- We can become a third force. - Precisely, Your Grace.

I'm against it. It's dishonest, indecent.

It's taking money under false pretenses.

How much you gonna ask for ?

Half a million dollars. Peanuts to the Americans.

[ Explosion ] [ Men Murmuring ]

Prof. Kokintz appears to be opening another bottle.

[ Glass Rattling ]

[ Rocket Blasting-off ]

�

Would you have the goodness to rephrase that question, sir ?

Forgive me, but I'm something of a new boy press-conference-wise.

Has the rocket achieved its objective ?

I'm happy to say we've landed on the moon where it's supposed to, target-wise.

- But there's no news ? - No news is good news.

But other than hitting the moon which has been done before,

nothing new has so far been learned ?

That is a correct analysis of the present situation.

Mr. Secretary, does this mean we are lagging behind the Russians...

in the race to get a man on the moon ?

So far as I'm aware, this country is not engaged in any race to the moon.

-May I rephrase the question? -Please do.

If it was a race, would you say we were running second ?

That's a fair question. Let me put it this way:

If it was a race, I personally-- underscore personally--

would find it hard to state categorically...

and with certitude that we were running first.

- Does that answer your question? - No.

Isn't this so-called giant step forward just another step back ?

No, sir-- Pardon me, ma'am. In man's race--

Sorry. In man's bid to conquer space,

any step in whatever direction is always a step in the right direction.

It's been suggested that you have received messages from the robot...

but are keeping dark about them for security reasons.

No comment. Thank you, gentlemen.

[ Chattering ]

Mr. Secretary, that suggestion that the robot has sent back information--

Nonsense. It's a dead duck. What's next ?

Von Neidel is outside, sir.

Von Neidel ? What does that crazy Kraut want ?

-You, sir...with an air of urgency. -Have him come in.

-Max. -Mr. Secretary, we Americans have to go now.

-Go ? Where ? -To the moon.

If we do not go now, the Russians will send a man there first.

-Take it easy, Max. Have a cigar. -N-No, no.

Our information is that they're as far off it as we are.

But we are not far off it. We can go tomorrow.

Today. Yesterday.

Sure, we can get a man there... Can we get him back ?

I'm issuing no one-way tickets on this line, Max.

Of course there are risks, the surface of the moon is just one of them.

But this robot will not give you the answer.

Maybe it's given us the answer already, Max.

If the lunar surface is nothing but soft dust,

that would account for the robot's silence wouldn't it ?

So you send 50 more, and we wait 50 years ?

To safeguard the lives of two American boys,

I'd wait a thousand years, Max.

Wouldn't you ?

No.

There's a file here from the State Department for your comments and suggestions.

The Duchy of Grand Fenwick. Oh, not again !

-Requesting a loan of a half a million dollars. -Loan ?

That is not my pigeon.

For rocket research, with a view to putting a man on the moon.

-Are you trying to be funny? -Me, sir ? No, sir.

"The people of Grand Fenwick have always admired your president's oft-expressed sentiments...

on the desirability of truly international co�peration on space exploration."

This guy Mountjoy is some kind of a nut.

But sincere, sir.

You think so, how much are we spending on a conservative estimate on Project Apollo ?

About $20 billion.

Twenty billion, and he asks for $500,000 ?

It wouldn't even buy a second had space suit, and he knows it.

Don't forget they do have Prof. Kokintz ?

Kokintz?

The physicist. In his day, he was a great brain.

One old scientist and a Bunsen burner. Don't make me laugh.

The sentiment seemed genuine.

Nothing of the kind, Wendover.

Never underestimate the wiles of a crooked European statesman.

But then, why do they want the money ?

Plumbing for the castle, probably. -Plumbing ?

-Something like that. -Then we recommend a polite refusal.

No, Wendover, we don't. Repeat, don't. -Don't ?

We'll refuse a loan and recommend instead an out-right gift of twice the amount.

-We'll give them $1 million. -But they only asked for $500,000.

-What will they do with the surplus? -That's their problem.

I still don't understand.

Which, Wendover,is why you are standing up and I am sitting down.

Grand Fenwick couldn't build fireworks.

So, without risk, the U.S. can encourage international space research.

This will hit the uncommitted nations right between the eyes.

They'll love us, and it'll only cost one million lousy dollars.

Wendover,this is the cheapest major diplomatic stroke...

the world has ever seen... prestige-wise.

"Finally it is clear...

"that America does not want...

the true international co�peration in the space."

[ Clapping ]

[ Secretary ] To answer my colleague from the Soviet Union...

I am happy to announce that the United States...

is making an outright gift of a substantial sum of money to a European nation...

for the express purpose of research...

with a view to their sending a man to the moon.

Protocol prevents me from naming the country concerned,

since the official news has not yet been conveyed to its head of state.

This, however, will be announced shortly.

[ Applause ]

Well, that should be first-class.

Thank you. I think we scored diplomacy-wise.

I don't like this one bit, Hugh. Get onto Intelligence...

and find out what these tricky ba... what they're up to.

Yes ? Roger, boss.

[ Radio Static ]

[ Man On Radio ] This is the Voice of America... -Ah, the news.

An international roundup of the latest...in rhythm!

Mountjoy, great news !

-The Americans have replied! -They have ?

What did they say ? -Yes, What ? I don't know.

But you said they'd replied. -No, you said they'd replied.

-Did you or did you not say you had great news? -Yes.

-Then we've won. -No, we've two.

-Two ? -Two Boblinks in the forest.

-Two what ? -Bobolinks.

-What the devil are bobolinks? -They're rare little birds.

Never found in Europe, and I found two.

I'm writing to the Times of London about it!

-Congratulations. -Thank you. -Oi, eh...

-Bobolinks ! -You don't seem very pleased about the bobolinks.

Why should I be pleased about the blasted boblinks?! Get out !

Why should I be pleased about anything ?

Here I am waiting for news which will make or break me,

and you babble about bobolinks !

-Oh, I'm sorry. -And I'm-- sorry I shouted.... Kokintz.

[ Crowd Shouting Outside ] The truth is, I think I'm finished.

[ Shouting Continues ]

You see ? This week tomatoes, next week, bombs.

Thank heaven my son is coming home.

Maybe he can cope with the younger generation.

[ Kokintz ] You think a mere boy will succeed where you have failed ?

Ah, he had all the makings of a great politician, Kokintz.

As a child, he was fantastically sly and dishonest.

That's why I bundled him off to England.

These years should have ripened him nicely.

[ Shouting Continues ] What was that, then ?

Huh, they're throwing things at somebody else for a change.

Oh, cheer up. Maybe things are not as bad as you think.

No, Kokintz, they don't call me "Mount Wonder" anymore.

But perhaps my boy will give these young thugs a taste of their own medicine.

[ � Clarinet ]

Father, they threw things at me.

- Vincent ? - Yes. Hello, Father.

How are you ? Oh... I'm sorry.

Father, they threw things at me. A mob.

I'm not surprised. Look at you. Those clothes.

It's my college uniform. I only wore it to please you, I can't stand the thing.

-Why did they chase me, who are they? -Young beatniks.

-Beatniks here ? -Things have changed.

-Oh, marvelous. - We live in grave times my boy.

You may be called upon to be Prime Minister sooner than I feared.

-Oh, Father, I'm not ready. -A Mountjoy must always be ready !

Your great-great-grandfather became the Prime Minister at the age of six.

-Yes, but he was mad. -Mad maybe, but one of our greatest prime ministers.

Oh, Father, I don't think I want to be Prime Minister, not yet.

You'll be prime minister when I say so...and like it ! [ Stick Bouncing ]

What's that ? Your school report ?

-No, it's a letter for you, it's from America I think. -You idiot !

Give it to me ! -I picked it up at the frontier...

The postman was plucking a chicken so I thought I'd do him a favor and bring it on.

Yes, it is ! No, a gift ! The fools fell for it.

-What ? -Twice what I asked! We're saved ! Saved !

-Saved ? -Read it yourself... Ha-ha, what a stroke !

Peace, prosperity ...and plumbing !

One million for rocket research ?

Man on the moon ? Father, this is wonderful !

Not bad, eh ? [ Laughing ]

-Diplomacy, eh ? -And father, you can send me.

-Send you, where ? -Up.

Yes, Father, up to the moon. Father that's what I want to be... an astronaut !

-This is no time for silly jokes ! -But I do, Father.

The money is for modernization, plumbing, hot, steaming baths.

But you requested it for rocket research. It says so here.

It's dishonest to start using it for baths and plumbing.

-What did you say ? -It just isn't done.

-Didn't you learn anything in England? -Yes, I did.

I learned to play the game.

My boy.

Sit down. Let me explain.

It would be dishonest indeed to use the money for the purpose for which it was asked.

If nations did that, they would lose trust in one another.

It's deceiving the American taxpayer.

The American taxpayer has always been deceived. It is his birthright.

But to use it for plumbing instead of rocket research--

My boy, don't you understand ? That's good for every taxpayer.

It takes the rivalry out of the space race,

makes the world safer for it, and we get our bathtub !

-I don't agree with it. -I'll announce it on television.

Fireside chat to the nation.

We've had that set for 3 years, about time we used it.

How shall I begin ?

Good evening. Brilliant !

[ Crowd Chattering ]

What do you think he's going to announce ?

I don't know. But whatever it is we'll fight it.

Well, there's nothing else to do here, is there ?

And I'll fight him with you.

We're gonna get right in and fight this thing.

Hello. Remember me ?

Yes, we threw tomatoes at you.

No, no, before that, we use to play together as kids Do you remember ?

She was the first girl I ever kissed.

We were engaged when she was six.

[ Laughs ]

So I ask you to back me in my efforts to put Grand Fenwick on the map.

Let our watch word be, "Forward with the people, The sky's the limit."

Get the idea ? Goes equally well for rockets or plumbing.

Very clever.

[ Vincent ] It's rather dead in here. Would you like some music ?

I'll-- I'll put it on.

It's all right, I'll do it.

[ Music Box Tinkling Tune ]

Now, you will please watch which ever camera is showing the little red light.

Eh... oh, it's time.

[ Clears Throat ]

Good evening. This is the Grand National Television Service.

The prime minister.

- Good evening. - Wrong camera.

- I'm speaking to you tonight-- - It's the wrong--

Good evening. I am speaking to you tonight...

because I have news of tremendous importance...

for the future well-being of our beloved... country.

Some of you may think that I have lead the country into a position...

where you have never had it so bad.

But I am here today to tell you...

that our fortunes are going up.

Recently, I approached our friends...

in the United States... of America...

for a loan to help us in our hour--

our hour of need.

What was the president's reply ?

[ Cameraman Shouts ] AHHH ! You got my hand !

[ Chattering ]

[ �... ]

-Huh ? -Come on.

[ Chattering ]

Good evening. A slight technical hitch at the transmitter...

forces me to address you personally.

As I was saying, this generous gift to the country...

- [ Clattering, Shouting ] would enable us to buy--

As I was saying, this gift--

[ Chattering, Shouting ]

-What the-- what is it? -It's a rocket !

[ Screaming ]

Oh, the fools ! We wanted the cash not a rocket !

[ Glass Breaking ]

What is it ? Where did it come from ?

It's a space rocket ! I expect it's a reject from Cape Canaveral.

[ Dog Barking and sound of Knocking on Rocket]

I repeat, what is it ? And why is it here ?

This is not, as we feared, an American rocket. It is a Russian rocket...

presented with the compliments of the president and people...

of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics.

-Why ? -Why, they wish to match the American aid.

Do I take it the prime minister is seriously contemplating sending a rocket to the moon, after all ?

- Don't be an ass. - Unparliamentarily, Bobo.

Well, this ancient rocket, this propaganda period piece was sent without engines,

and its space capsule was designed for a dog.

Most suitable. I suggest the prime minister climbs in...

and launches himself to obscurity as soon as possible.

If you can't launch it, how are you going to get rid of it ?

Professor Kokintz informs us that the rocket is in three stages.

It is proposed that we dismantle it,

then reassemble it in the disused north tower of the castle.

- For what reason ? - To hide the damn thing.

There is also a possibility that it can be adapted...

as a large tank for the new hot water system, but--

- What are the Russians going to say about that? - They won't know unless you tell them.

So far as both the Americans and Russians are concerned,

we shall be working flat-out on our moon project.

Is that all then, gentlemen ?

Then there is one point we should like to make.

What is that nasty grey tin thing sticking through the window,

and how can we get rid of it ?

All right, boys, all together. Heave ! And Heave ! Heave !

Good. Come on, now. Pull it up.

Good morning, boys. [ Chattering ]

-What are you doing ? - ...and your muscles will do the rest...

[ Chattering ] We'll crack as we pull it up into the sky, and we'll--

[ She Laughs ] [ He Groans ]

Well, the only thing is left to run the exterior pipes corkscrew-like up the walls.

Exterior pipes ?.. [ From Outside ] -Pull me down !

-Won't that mean loss of heat? -Can't help that.

Oh, my ! I said me, not my trousers !

Oh, Cynthia, don't look.

Move your face ! [ Grunts ]

[ Cynthia Laughs ] [He Thuds ] Right, now start again, shall we ?

Heave ! Come on, heave it up !

This is a hot water supply, remember.

I'm not going to spend my American dollars on a cold bath.

Well, I can't promise any hot.

Oh. Well, if you don't give me hot water, I'll have you--

[ Loud Crash ] [ Shouting with Echo ] Hey, who did that ?

[ Match Being Struck ]

[ � ]

[Boiling Sound Growing Stronger ]

[ Cap Rattling ]

[ Steam Sound Receding ]

[ Bell Jingles ]

Thank you.

[ Owl Hooting ]

[ � ]

All systems go.

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo !

Whoo-whoo ! Lucky dog.

Whoo ! Oh, it's you, Vincent.

-Oh, hello, Professor. -What are you doing in there ?

I was playing at being a space dog.

About the closest I'll ever get to being an astronaut.

You really want to be an astronaut, don't you ?

-It's all I've dreamed about since they sent up Sputnik 1. - We all have our dreams.

- Can I trust you, Vincent ? - Trust me ?

Not to tell your father, at least not yet.

I wouldn't tell him anything. What is it ?

Come with me. I'll show you a miracle.

-You understand it so far ? -Yes, of course.

Half the great scientific discoveries of history have come by accident.

But none, perhaps... [ Chicken Clucks ]

-What is it ? -For 15 years I've searched for a formula...

to stabilize nuclear power.

-You mean, you've found it? -Yes.

-How ? -Here.

-Not before breakfast, professor. -No, no.

This is the stabilizing factor.

This, our mysterious,explosive and stable wine of Grand Fenwick.

-I don't believe it. -Oh, you will.

The wine contains an astonishing radioactive element,

which I have called Pinotium 64, which also happens to be my age.

-Yes, but what happens ? -Well I'll make it simple for you.

When a positively charged particle of Pinotium 64...

comes into contact with the positive charge of particle of, say, Carbon 14,

the Pinotium particle immediately and so gently...

changes its charge to negative,

thus positive and positive become negative.

Now when a negative charge-- [ Continues, Indistinct ]

[ Rooster Crowing ]

Now, this release of particles is, of course, very slow...

which is why there can be no chain reaction.

The neutrons released can not themselves release energy in the substances used...

as would be the case in Uranium.

You see ?

Vincent. Vincent ?

-Hmm ? -You see ?

Oh, yes, of course. Does it work ?

Take the top off that lamp.

And now hold it.

Hold it very tight.

[ Hissing ]

-It's moving ! - Hold it !

[ Glass Crashing ]

[ Jet Flying ]

This is Captain Johnson speaking.

We are now cruising at an altitude of 35,000 feet.

Down below us on your left is the River Danube,

and on your right, a naked lady with a lamp.

[ � ] [ Bicycle Chain Rattling ]

[ Mumbled ] Wait.

[ Tap Followed by Sproing ]

[ Groans ]

[ Cynthia Laughing ]

Oh. Oh, hello, Cynthia.

What on earth ? What are you doing ?

-Oh, I'm...I'm training. -Training for what, the electric chair ?

No, I'm training--

No. You'd only laugh. You always do.

Well, try me. Must be something serious to bury yourself down here.

It is extremely serious. Look, can't you guess ?

Well, it can't be running in those boots.

No, it's not running. Um... watch this.

Oh.

[ Metal Clanking ]

You really are completely crazy. Whoever wants to walk up walls ?

- Astronauts. - Astronauts ?

Oh, yes, we really are going, the professor and I.

[ Mountjoy ] Vincent! Vincent

It's Father.

Cynthia, don't tell him. Please don't tell him.

Ahh, so he's not here. So this is where he skulks.

Look at it, punch bags ! Oh. Where is he ?

Uh, I don't know. I just came in here with a basket.

Cynthia, listen.

This boy worries me. I think he's touched.

This sudden mad desire to physical fitness, it's not healthy.

You're an attractive girl. Can't you interest him in more manly things ?

-You know what I mean. -Well, no, I don't.

Oh, come on !

When I was his age, I wasn't battering punch bags.

There wasn't a lady-in-waiting who had to wait a minute.

- You know what I mean. [ Vincent Yelps ]

What was that ?

I should never have sent him to that British public school.

Maybe it's not too late. Perhaps he's just retarded.

See what you can do.

You know, bring him down to earth.

[ Crash then Grunts, Groaning ]

-Are you all right ? -Yes, I'm--

Yes, I'm fine.

[ Horns Honking ]

Well, my apologies, gentlemen, for bringing you here on a Saturday afternoon,

but I spent this a.m. with the P.M.

Well, anyway,the Prime Minister agrees that Britain is faced...

with an extremely serious situation, and not one moment must be lost--

[ Knocking ] Yes ?

Ah ! [ Chuckles ]

Tea, Smithers. Good. On a Saturday afternoon. Well done.

How did you organize that ?

Well, you see, sir, I happen to know just where things are.

Ah, jolly good. Uh, yes.

Excellent chap, that. A man to watch. Initiative.

Help yourselves to sugar. I'm afraid there are no biscuits.

It appears the biscuit cupboard is kept locked over the weekend.

Not to worry, David, old boy. Looks like an excellent cup.

Thank you, Simon, thank you.... Now, where was I ?

You were saying you suspected the biscuit cupboard was locked.

Yes. No, no, before that, I mean.

Ah, yes, I remember, yes. Our problem.

Well, the P.M. feels that not a moment must be lost.

Could I have the sugar. I missed it.

-I'm so sorry. -So I called this emergency meeting.

Well, now I was at the conference...

when the Americans announced this gift for lunar research.

Didn't like it one bit. The whole thing sounded too sincere.

Now, Hugh, you're the space expert.

Do you care to comment ?

Well, $1 million is totally inadequate for space research.

-Hmm. You wouldn't even buy a secondhand spacesuit.

Cecil, you're the Grand Fenwick wallah.

What's their position in the space race ?

Nonstarters and no ambitions.

Except for this Mountjoy who'd fly to the moon in a balloon for enough money.

Yes. Charles,those analyst on US aims and objectives,

your views.

For all their talk,the Americans wouldn't give Fenwick a penny...

if they had the remotest a rocket anywhere.

Well, there we have it. Independent opinions from every field agree...

that this money was evidently not for space research.

And, if I may interject, the Americans are fully aware...

that the rest of the world suspects this.

Our task, therefore, is, gentlemen, to discover...

what the money was really given for.

[ Sighs ] Come in, M.I. Five.

Right. Some years ago, we managed to plant...

one of our agents inside the Central American Intelligence Agency.

-Jolly good. -In Washington.

Now, he reports that Grand Fenwick...

means to use this money for plumbing for their castle.

That's more like it. Well, that is a relief.

-It's the obvious answer. -It's too obvious.

In our opinion, the Americans have penetrated our fellow...

and are feeding him false information.

You mean, they want us to think it's for plumbing and it isn't ?

Precisely. In fact it looks like our American cousins are up to a nasty game.

- A double double bluff. - There's a third reason ?

I'm afraid it's rather more sinister than that. Would you care to elaborate ?

Certainly. Briefly, of course.

The Americans announced this money is for space research.

They know nobody will believe this.

They know also--

[ Clears Throat ]

They know al--

They know also that attempts will be made to discover the real reason,

so they're deliberately leaking this plumbing story.

If the story's believed, well and good.

-If not, they're sure they'll successfully cover the real reason. -Which is ?

What, in everybody's view,is the least likely explanation ?

That it's for rocket research.

Therefore, that is precisely what it is for.

Imagine ! Doing it openly like that.

Knowing that we won't believe it.

We are very sure we are right, but we must have proof.

Comment again, M.I. Five.

We're sending our top grade agent into Grand Fenwick posthaste.

-He should know something about rocketry. -He knows about everything.

German ?

Unfortunately, the last of our Germans defected to the States last month.

Not to worry. This fellow is a master at disguise.

Ohh ! Wh-- Oh !

Bonjour. Je-- Morning.

-Oh, you speak English ! -We all speak English. What are you speaking ?

Well, English, of course. I was out bird-watching.

Could you tell me, am I in Grand Fenwick ?

No, it starts just inside that gate.

Oh, thank you. I suppose someone will want to see my passports--eh, port.

Not here, they won't. Just walk in.

Oh, really? How primitive. Thank you so much.

[ � ]

-Uh, Vincent. -Hmm ?

-The bobolins have disappeared. -Oh, what a shame.

-Professor, will you help me to hang myself? -Yes.

No, no, no, by the feet, and keep me swinging.

-As you wish. -Good,Just hold that.

-Put your foot in. -That's it. Lovely.

Ahhh ! Ohhh !

[ Groaning ]

Good heavens ! Hang on ! It's all right !

You're saved ! Hang on !

[ Grunting ] Stop it !

[ Groaning ]

-Are you all right, dear chap ? -A bit dizzy.

It's inhuman, medieval. Why ? What have you done ?

-What brute did this ? - Oh no, I asked Prof. Kokintz to do it.

-Kokintz ? -Yes, I'm training you see ?

-Training ? -I'm training to be an astronaut.

-Oh. -I shouldn't have said that.

Nobody's supposed to know. Forget it, I'm a monkey !

I'm practicing to be a monkey, not an astronaut.

Of course, yes. [ Laughing ]

No sign of them. Oh, good morning.

-Good morning. -Yes, Prof. Kokintz.

Yes, I'm Morris Spender of the E.B.W.S.

-E.B.W.S. ? -Yes, the English Bird-Watching Society.

I read your letter in the Times rushed out here posthaste.

- How nice. -I say, I'd like to see those "bolobinks."

"Bolobinks" ? Bobolinks !

That's what I said, good lad. Bobo-- Bobolinks.

[ Laughs ] Joke over.

I have a very great disappointment for you Mr. Spender.

-They've gone, I hope only temporarily. -Oh, I say !

Never mind. We have many other birds worth watching.

For example, last Sunday, down by the river,

I counted seven different kinds of tit.

Seven ?

Come on, this way. It's not far now.

I say, just a minute. Can't go through there.

Why not ? Oh, don't take any notice of this.

-We're just laying the pipes for the plumbing. -That's not what it says.

Our government wants the Americans to think we're spending their money on rockets.

-Shall we go ? -I'll just light my . cigarette. Do carry on..

Sorry. That's not in use yet. You'll have to wait.

Wait ? How long ? Three weeks.

Three weeks ?

Oh, dear, I'll have to make other arrangements.

-Oh, Professor. -Yes ?

What's this ? Really it's our new public convenience.

So much more private than the old one. Uh-huh. Mmm. Uh-huh.

-Seems a rather lot of modernization going on. -Ah, yes.

And tonight will be a big night, the very first trial of our latest installation.

Oh, really ? What ?

The realization of our Prime Minister's dearest ambition.

-The latest in plumbing. It's unbelievable isn't it? -Ah, plumbing.

It's up in the north tower where we keep the rocket, it's got nothing to do with the rocket.

Huh ? Oh, no. Of course.

Uh-huh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh !

Ah, door.

[ � ]

London.

Oh, I say, really.

Now stop messing around. Which one of you has got it ?

Come on. Who has it ?

-How do you do ? [ Chuckles ] -Bird watching.

Sort of nearsighted.

OK, Right.

[ Clattering ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Man ] All finished, okay.

-Right. Check the systems. -All systems are okay.

All systems A-okay ?

All systems in good condition.

All systems in go condition ?

All water pressure's okay ! Right ! Let her go !

[ Water Bubbling ] [ Man Singing ]

Number two boiler system, stand by.

- He's going up. - Let her go when I reach one.

- Ten, nine, eight-- - They can't.

Seven, six, five,

four--

How about tea ? Yes.

We'll start again from three.

[ Yells ]

[ Singing Continues ]

All clear. Now, we'll bolt on the shower heads at regular intervals all around the tail.

-I still think they'll burn up in flight. -I've told you before...

You only get burning with friction, you only get friction with speed.

-Our speed will be too slow. Now lets begin here. -Whoa !

It's Mr. Spender. He's hurt.

Well, how does he come to be here ?

-Professor,look at this. -What is it ?

That's his lighter. It's not a lighter at all.

It's a camera. Look. There's another one.

- He's a spy. - A spy ?

What is he spying at ? Well, us, I suppose.

Then he did say "bolobinks."

Hey ! Don't !

Are you mad ? Oh ! Uh !

Why did you stop me ? If I don't shoot myself you will.

-Why should we shoot you ? -Why ?

Well, that's the penalty for espionage, isn't it ?

Oh, so you are a spy. Well who do you spy for? The Russians ?

I say, steady ! No. The British.

But the British are our friends.

It is disgusting, isn't it ?

Spare my life. Give me sanctuary. I can't go back now.

They're absolutely merciless to failures.

Look, spare my life, and I'll spill the beans.

I'll tell you everything you want to know about British Intelligence.

We don't want to know about British Intelligence.

Oh, yes you do. Details of a new barracks.

A secret installation !

I know something absolutely revolting about the deputy foreign secretary.

Just get up and tell us why you're here.

Hmm ? Oh, yeah. Thank you. Oh !

To find out about your moon rocket.

You've come to the right people. What would you like to know ?

So you don't intend sending a manned rocket to the moon.

Yes, we do. This one. The professor and I are going.

We've been working night and day to get it ready.

Yes, we're just bolting these on.

-Those are showerheads, aren't they? -Ah, yes.

But we use them as stabilizing jet to correct the altitude of the rocket in flight.

- You understand. - Oh, showerheads as jets.

Tell me. What sort of fuel are you using, liquid or solid ?

Neither. We're using a new sort of atom fuel. Pinotium 64.

-Professor Kokintz isolated it. -Yes,from our Grand Fenwick wine.

[ Laughs ]

I take it this amazing project has the full support of your government.

No. They know nothing, they think it's a hot water system.

- We really must tell them soon. -Father will explode. He's against space.

Father-- I wonder you would mind if I took some more pictures.

-Take as many as you like. -So sorry.

Right. Now. [ Camera Shutter Clicks ]

Actually, would you--

Let's get the showerheads, eh ? That's it. Now the furnaces.

I shouldn't bother about the furnaces, they've nothing to do with the rocket the really are a part of the heating.

The department of Whitehall is very keen on heating plants.

-Why ? [ Chuckles ] -They haven't got any.

I seem to think that's all; Good-bye, Professor.

Thank you so much. Bye. -Good Bye !

-Good-bye. -Good-bye.

Oh, oh, I say.

Happy landings. [ Chuckling ]

[ Laughing ]

I think he's a bit mad, Professor.

You know something, Vincent ? That man doesn't believe we're really going to the moon.

British spy, eh ? Mm, splendid.

I've been waiting for that.

Now back he trots and reports for all out on rocket research.

-I do not think so. -Hmm ? Why not ?

Because we told him all these preparations was just a bluff to fool the Americans.

- You what ? -We thought he was a bird-watcher, come to see the Bobolinks.

We didn't know that he was a spy until--

The British will tell the Americans...

who will haul us out before the international court of justice for misappropriation of their funds.

You said they knew the money wasn't for rocket research.

They didn't want other countries to know. That was the whole idea.

We are sunk.

Not if we really could send a rocket to the moon, Father.

Hmm ? Hmm ?

- Kokintz. - [ Water Splashing ]

You're always exploding things.

Could you make a realistic explosion inside that Russian hot water heater ?

-Russian what ? -The rocket.

-What's the best way of silencing criticism? -By actually sending a rocket to the moon.

You're learning, my boy. We invite representatives of all the big powers...

to attend the launching of our manned rocket to the moon.

Sensation. Vincent, you can be the astronaut.

[ Laughing ] They all come tongues hanging out.

Countdown, all systems go. Then, bang ! She blows up.

Tragedy, tears and, with any luck,

we sting 'em for another whacking great loan.

-Father, it won't blow up. -Make it a small explosion loud, but not deadly.

Father, will you listen ? We really are...fufunh ! [ Gags ]

- How long would it take to mock this thing up? - By the end of the month.

Fine. It's got to look real, mind.

I'll send the invitations out right away.

Her Grace, the duchess of Grand Fenwick,

requests the pleasure of your company to witness the launch--

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho ! Their faces.

-Where's your boss ? -At the gym sir, getting in shape for his weekend at Hyannis Port.

Something has cropped up, Grand Fenwick-wise.

Oh ?

Oh, oh, no. It's a joke.

That had better be, Wendover. It had better be.

[ Speaking Russian ]

[ Russian Continues ]

Well, as you can see, that's obviously plumbing.

Uh-huh. Uh,

now this is a modern public, you know.. [ Chuckles ]

And, uh, here. Oh, sorry about that.

I'll explain that later.

Now, here we come to the rocket itself.

Now just look at those shower heads. Pathetic, isn't it ?

Absolutely no question of genuine space research there.

Oh, none whatsoever. Um, sir.

And then there's this extraordinary invitation to the launch.

Yes. I say, it couldn't be a misprint for "lunch," could it ?

Hmm ? No, it's quite launch. definitely. Look at it.

Well, it's all part of a gigantic bluff.

-You can take that from me, sir. -Thank you, Spender.

Because of you, all of Britain can sleep easier tonight.

Thank you, sir. One does one's best.

� [ March ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Booing ]

[ Cynthia ] Boo ! Boo ! Mountjoy to the gallows !

[ Shouting Continues ]

[ Cheering ]

[ � ]

� [ "Rule, Brittania" ]

[ Cheering Continues ]

� [ Volga Boatmen ]

[ Cheering Continues ]

[ Band Stops ]

� [ Columbia, Gem of the Ocean ]

[ Band Stops ] Gentlemen,welcome to Grand Fenwick !

Excellency, I understand you're sending a 2 man expedition to the moon.

Ah, yes, Prof. Kokintz and my own brave son.

It is a proud day for me.

Kokintz ? Isn't he a little old for this game ?

He doesn't seem to think so. There he is.

Would you care to meet him ? We still have half an hour before takeoff.

[ Chattering ]

[ Ass Braying ]

Shouldn't he be in the capsule,going through checkout procedures ?

I don't know, I'm sure. He's the expert.

� [ Band Continues ]

Professor. Ah, Professor.

Meet the distinguished delegates from Britain, Russia and the U.S.A.

-Oh, how do you do ? -They may have some questions to ask you.

You bet we have. Look at those shower heads. Just as Spender said.

Yes. Interesting, uh... stabilizing jets, Professor.

[ Chuckles ] They look like showerheads.

They are. Very poor, quality as you can see.

But those would burn up before you reached Mach two.

Ah, yes, but we do not reach Mach two.

Oh, come now, Professor. To reach escape velocity which is, uh--

-25,000 miles an hour. -25,000 miles an hour.

We do not reach escape velocity.

If you don't reach you don't escape the Earth.

Oh, yes you do. Power and not speed is important.

If you have sufficient power to overcome Earth's gravity,

you can travel at any speed you like.

In theory, maybe,but you must travel fast or your oxygen supply runs out.

Not us. I regenerate air by catalytic disassociation.

How very unpleasant for you.

Which converts carbon dioxide back into breathable oxygen.

By passing it over hot platinum;

we can rebreathe our own air... almost indefinitely.

Our American and Russian... friends recon on taking 48 hours to do the trip.

-How long will you take ? -About 3 weeks. We're in no hurry.

Kokintz, make it sound a bit more convincing.

Three weeks ? Honestly !

Seeing is believing.

Gentlemen, if you would care to mount the gantry we might peep into the capsule.

-Gantry too ! -Yeah. See what I mean ?

-And you were worried. -An insult to British intelligence !

Absolutely. Spender's own words.

[ Band Playing ] [ Chattering, Laughing ]

Morning.

Charming.

Oh, come on, aren't you going to wish me luck ?

-I haven't got anything to say to you. -What's the matter ?

"I want to be an astronaut-- the space comic hero."

I really believed you. I thought you were crazy but at least sincere.

-Well, what made you change your mind? -Don't pretend.

Not with me. I just heard from father that the whole thing's a stinking swindle...

to get more money out of the Americans.

- Well ? - I hate dishonesty.

Cynthia, will you marry me ?

Yes, when you've been to the moon and back.

Ah !

Oh...!

[ Footsteps Shuffling ]

At Canaveral, we have elevators for this.

Ah, yes, but you have so many postponements up, down, up, down.

-We go off in one. -Excuse me, old chap.

Haven't you started We have no countdown yet ?

Well, we have no countdown, there's no one to count. We just go.

[ Chuckles ] If you would...um...care to look inside, gentlemen.

I was asked to give you this-- the latest food and vitamin concentrate.

One half inch supplies nourishment for 24 hours.

-How very kind. But it will not be necessary. -So I see.

[ Clucking ]

Vincent ! What on earth are you doing with those chickens? [ Chuckling Nervously ]

Fresh eggs on the way up and roast chicken coming home. -This is the end.

-What is ? -I don't care what happens to those two lunatics,

but I'll not stand by and witness cruelty to dumb animals.

Those chickens will be roasted alive. Excuse me, do you mind ?

Steady on sir. Remember,they don't intend on it getting off the ground.

I hope you're right,that's all. [ Clucks ]

[ Cheering ]

� [ March ]

Gentlemen, I don't think I need comment...

on what is going to happen to that tin can, launch-wise.

We are the joint victims of a monstrous hoax.

I put it to you that we act for once in unison.

No more loans. I'm with you, Herbie, 100%.

Da.

[ Russian ]

[ Applause ]

Your Grace has the speech ?

I think so. I did mislay it, but it's somewhere very safe.

[ Band Stops ]

Ah, well. One minute before she blows...ah...blasts off.

Aren't we a bit near, if anything should go wrong ?

Prof. Kokintz assures me that no harm will come to anyone out here when it--

If anything should go wrong. Splendid.

� [ Fanfare ]

[ Chattering ]

My husband and I... -He's dead. He's dead !

[ Whispers ] Oh, damn it.

My late husband and I...

have always had the welfare of the pig breeders...

and farmers close to our hearts.

[ Whispering ] Wrong speech.

The wrong speech ? That was last week.

[ Snickering ] Moon. Space.

Oh, to be sure.

Improvise, Your Grace. Improvise.

It is with great pleasure that I come here today,

and I declare this bridge open.

[ Murmuring ]

Shouldn't we have a bottle of champagne ?

All systems in go condition, professor. I'm just holding for a final check.

What's the time by the tower clock ?

It's 10:58 and 12 seconds, 13,

14, 15-- we might as well go.

[ Hissing ]

I'm not strapped in. professor: I've seen films of astronauts on the blastoff...

and the gravitational pull is quite tremendous...

and that G force is building up and tearing your face back.

[ Muttering ] You take milk and sugar don't you, Vincent ?

Yes, I--

Professor, we're moving.

Yes.

Ha, ha ! Oh. My magnetic boots. I--

[ Crowd Cheering, Applauding ]

That's clever. I wonder how he worked that.

It's stuck.

[ Chattering ]

Professor, we've stopped.

[ Machine Humming ]

[ Chattering Continues ]

[ Cheering ]

There's that nasty great tin thing again, Bobo.

Look. Sticking out of the tower.

Full marks. Effective.

Bad sound effects. Nothing like the real thing.

Come on, come on. What's he playing at ?

[ Cheering Continues ]

It's a lie ! Optical illusion.

Can't we go any faster ? Who wants to go fast ?

We'll give them a show. They've come a long way.

Oh. Oh ! What's the matter ?

I forgot something. Mountjoy, can you hear me ?

[ Shouting ] Yes ! What do you want ?

Don't forget to feed the Bobolinks.

-Bobolinks ? Oh, and in my laboratory a radio...

we'll call you once a day, at 8:00 in the morning.

Huh.

Cynthia, I'll be back. Wait for me.

[ Cheering Continues ]

Splendid. That's one way to get rid of the horrid thing.

[ Cheering Continues ] [ � ]

Old Spender's never wrong, eh ?

Uh, quite.

[ � ]

[ Horns Honking ]

[ Crash ]

This is the BBC home service.

Here is the news.

Yesterday morning at 11:00, the Duchy of Grand Fenwick launched...

a two-man rocket toward the moon.

Officials report...

that the rocket is on course and should undoubtedly reach its objective.

This unexpected achievement has been welcomed throughout the world...

as an example of true international co�peration in space.

The rocket's nuclear fuel was developed by Grand Fenwick,

the rocket itself originated in Russia...

and the entire operation has been financed by the United States.

The wristwatch worn by astronaut Vincent Mountjoy...

is of British design and manufacture,

purchased by the space man while a student in England.

It is a stainless steel, antimagnetic self-winding watch,

shock proof and waterproof.

One of our correspondents, who visited the Manchester factory where it was made,

found workers and management proud and elated that a British precision instrument...

is playing such a vital role in man's greatest venture.

Their feelings were summed up by Mr. Albert Thorpe, foreman of the works,

who said, "This is a great day for us...

Let no one say, Britain is lagging behind."

Meanwhile, in Grand Fenwick, national pride runs high,

and there is natural jubilation in official government circles.

Answer me, answer me you traitors !

Hello ! Hello ?

The Americans will never forgive us for this. You realize that, hmm ?

Never ! Hello !

Why does he have to choose this unearthly hour ?

8:00 in the morning ! Hello ?

Are you there, you moonstruck monsters ?

No good. Not a sigh. -You ask me they'll never come back.

[ Prof. Kokintz ] Oh yes we will. Five thousand miles out--

Come back ! Do you hear me ? Come back !

You turn that bucket around and come back or I'll have you beheaded !

Don't forget to feed the Bobolinks, please.

Over and out.

Computer's figures, sir. Speed, 450 miles per hour.

Estimated time of lunar impact, September 3 at 0600 hours.

Elapsed time of journey will have taken 3 weeks, two days,

three hours, 27 minutes and--

Mr. Secretary, they're waiting for you in the conference room.

[ Speaking Russian ]

[ Russian Continues ]

[ Whooshing in Space ]

Well, come along, Vincent... your move.

[ Sighs ]

[ Clicks Tongue ]

Your move.

Come on, professor, can't we go any faster ? There's no atmosphere and there's no friction !

But there are micrometeorites of which we know very little.

If we take silly risks, we'll only end up with egg on our face.

The bare fact is we have egg all over our face.

Well, sir, they haven't got there yet.

They still got two men, 20,000 miles further into space than we ever got a monkey.

The president wants to know, what are we going to do ?

We send our rocket now, and we'll be there in 48 hours. Days ahead of them !

Don't forget the Russians. Do you think they'll wait ?

We shouldn't do it. That's the big bully pushing the little guy aside to snatch the prize.

After all, we're the ones who have been pumping for the internationalization of space.

So are the Russians, but do you think they'll wait ?

I don't care about the Russians. It's what the world thinks of us that matters.

-"Grand Fenwick to beat U.S. to moon." -Using Last Year's Wine Crop" !

Don't forget the Russians. Do you think they'll wait ?

Gentlemen, I suggest a compromise.

We can calculate the exact time of impact of the Fenwick rocket.

We blast off and get there at the same time.

And then announce that we only sent 2 of our boys to stand by...

in case the Fenwick boys get into any trouble.

Now you're talking, sir !

And if the Russians won't wait ?

We give them no chance of launching within two months.

That's a good idea,but what if on that day the weather is bad ?

Our man Columbus didn't wait for good weather.

Our man ? Surely he was an Italian ?

So was my grandfather. Any objections ?

Gentlemen, please. Okay, Von Neidel ?

You have over two weeks. You have the ball.

-Don't fumble it. -Yes, sir.

Heil ! Uh.

I'll remember, sir.

[ Speaking Russian ]

[ Radio Beeping ]

-The radio is dead. -What does that mean ?

Nothing, except we can't report our progress or position.

Oh. [ Chicken Clucking ]

- Oh, Clara. There's a good girl !

Oh, now you've upset my calculations.

Well, I only pulled it down from there.

You've accelerated us. We'll get there sooner,

probably land on the dark side of the moon.

[ Chuckles ] Good old Clara.

Ten, nine, eight, seven,

six, five, four--

Make it go. [ Russian ]

[ Laughing ] [ Laughing ]

We cooked up a little extra something which will please you, moon-wise.

What ? Von Neidel packed in an extra punch.

We shall get there first, in under 36 hours.

Our boys will be raising Old Glory on the moon.

[ Russian Continues ]

[ � ]

[ Motor Whooshing ]

[ Thud ]

I can't see a thing, Professor.

Helmets on. Get the flag. [ Laughs ]

Oh, Professor, look.

It's-- Ow !

Where is this garbage coming from ?

It's ours. It followed us through space.

A disgrace. Wherever civilization goes garbage is sure to follow.

I'll plant the flag, Professor. [ Screams ]

Professor, get me out ! It's as I feared.

Craters full of dust. Pull !

This moon is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't like to live here.

That's right. Oh.

You all right ? Yes.

Now go plant the flag. But it's--

Between craters it's perfectly all right, quite firm.

And wait for me.

� [ Phonograph Playing 'Fenwick Anthem' ]

Oh !

[ Record Scratching ]

Right. Now go and get me some little stones to take back as specimens.

Ah !

Oh ! Oh.

Mountjoy, rock jumper supreme ! Wow !

Boom ! Hmm.

Vincent the crater leaper ! [ Shouting ]

Mmmmm ! [ Chuckles ]

Vincent the human kangaroo !

Come on !

We've work to do.

Here you are, Professor.

-Here you are. -No, Vincent !

I said little stones. How can we take that back ?

-I can't help it. There's nothing between this-- -It's no use. Throw it away.

[ Grunts ]

[ Rock Thumps ] Professor, look.

Shooting stars. Two of them.

Those are not shooting stars. I think we have company.

The United States and Russia. A dead heat.

Come on. Let's see who they are.

How is it out there ? Let's get the flag up.

I claim this American territory.

I claim this planet for the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics...

and the workers of the world.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Grand Fenwick welcomes you to its moon.

Could I see your passports and vaccination certificates please ?

What are you doing here ? You're not due for 48 hours yet.

Yes, I'm so sorry. We ran a little ahead of schedule.

I'm afraid you'll have to take down these flags. Ours is already planted. Look !

I will never take away our glorious flag from this planet.

[ Russian ] Well I'm not making any speeches but ours stays.

There, you see ? Here 5 minutes and already an argument.

We only came to see if we could help.

Professor, what are the Russians doing ?

Oh, well, I think they're building a wall.

Oi, comrades, perhaps you could adjourn to our capsule,

and we could discuss granting you temporary visas.

Now what exactly is the purpose of your visit, and how long are you going to stay ?

Have you got any gum ? You come here in 36 hours and we take three weeks.

It's marvelous what modern science can do.

Here we are, gentlemen. Fried chicken.

We ran out of steaks last Thursday. Leg or wing ?

No, thanks. Oh, what's that ?

Irish stew, I think. And that ?

Beef Stroganoff. How nice and so modern too.

Thank you, Vincent. Are you sure you won't join us ?

Well, uh, just to be polite.

Good. I bet they'll be surprised back home if they could see us now !

They sure would be. They don't even know if we're alive.

Our radios wouldn't work up here. We lost contact just before impact.

The same with us. Nothing.

- Ours broke down on the way. - Nobody knows anything.

-Not even who got here first. -What's it matter who got here first ?

You can say that. You did it.

We got here first by a couple hours but what's that mean in 1,000 years ? Nothing.

Yeah. I guess you're right.

[ Russian ] -It's not important who gets here first.

The men who will be remembered, who will get the big welcome,

will be the men who get back first.

The glory,the public acclaim, the hero worship.

The prestige. That awful word-- prestige--

goes always to the first.

It's sad. It's shameful. But it is a fact and we must face it.

Well, thanks for the meal. We hate to eat and run.

But we do have some work to do, and well, we've got to fix our radio.

Thanks for the dinner and everything, but we really must be going.

[ Russian ] - But we've got pudding.

[ � ]

[ Clank ]

I'm sorry, Professor. - Hmm ?

After all our hard work too. What are we going to do ?

What can we do ? We take 3 weeks to get back they take 36 hours.

They're going into the wrong capsules.

Professor, this is terrible. You spent 15 years isolating--

Oh, keep calm. The tortoise can not turn into a hare. It's foolish if he wants to.

[ Explosions ]

Do you still want to be a hare, Vincent ?

Serve the pudding.

[ Solemn Drumming ]

� [ Band Plays Dirge ]

-Bobo. -Your Grace ?

What ever happened to that nasty, great, tin thing ?

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

My friends, it is now many weeks...

since Prof. Kokintz and my--

and Vincent of Mountjoy...

set forth on man's greatest quest--

a journey from which...

they will never return.

Today we pay tribute to them...

and to the four other gallant astronauts,

American and Russian,

who strove to make the same journey...

and who also perished in the vast abyss of space.

Bravo ! Well said ! Now ?

Not yet.

I say they did not fail !

Side by side,

in comradeship and in grief,

are gathered the representatives of the most powerful nations on earth.

Not only to witness the unveiling of a monument,

but to swear a solemn oath--

that never again...

shall man race to conquer the cosmos.

So lift up your hearts.

Lift up your heads !

Gaze up at the sky and--

[ Whirring ]

Mind the way, please. We're coming down.

[ Cheering ]

[ Rocket Lands ]

[ Cheering Continues ]

-Kokintz ! -How nice of you to be waiting.

I'm sorry we're so late, but we had a--

-My boy ! My boy ! -How did you find our boys ?

Yes, they're here. Cynthia.

- Kokintz, ha, ha ! - Oh !

Who got there first ? We did.

Did you plant the flag ? Yes, we planted all the flags.

What ? You idiot ! We needed the moon !

- How did they beat you to it ? - Gentlemen, the moon is ours.

- We got there first. -We only have your word for that.

How dare you doubt my word ?

Doubt your word ? You're the biggest 2 faced liar I ever met.

Benter, hit him !

Wendover, don't just stand there !

Approach that man ! Assault him !

[ Crowd Shouting, Chattering ]

Is it true what Spender's been saying about the deputy foreign secretary ?

And so, with a full heart, I say,

God bless this ship and all who sail on her.

[Shouting, Chattering Continue]