Original subtitles

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is Peter Crouch: Save Our Summer!

Please welcome the lady who stopped us feeling down in lockdown.

It's Maya Jama!

And a footballing legend that we all look up to. Literally!

It's Peter Crouch!

# Crouchy, you're so long

# You're so long!

# I realise I'm in love

# So in love

# Your legs go on and on

# On and on

# That's why we're singing this song

# Oh, Crouchy, you're so long

# Your legs go on and on

# Hey, Crouchy, you're so long

# Oh, Crouchy, you're so long. #

Yay! Love that!

Oh, my! Look at you, a new song every week. That's quite surreal.

You're going to have an album by the end of this. Yeah.

I've got a Spice Girl singing You're So Long to me.

It's a real privilege!

I'm not going to lie. I've been trying to compose myself a lot.

I'm a huge fan. Melanie C, everyone!

CHEERING

What an honour. It is a big moment for me.

I had the Spice Girls lunchboxes.

I used to dress up on fancy dress days as you lot.

Maya's been very excited. I've been very excited.

You haven't sang that song in a long time, as well.

Yeah, with a bit of a twist, with Alex and the boys, yes.

It's lovely to be back with these guys.

We've worked together before. Have you?

I used to be in the Spice Girls!

LAUGHTER

And Jimmy Carr is here.

CHEERING

It's nice to be here. It's just nice to be out the house, frankly.

It's nice to be anywhere. How was that being in goal?

Was I in goal? I was unaware! I'm not really...

I'm not the sportiest of your guests, I'll be honest with you.

That was fine. A little bit scary, looking at your...

I would call them legs, but they're not normal legs, are they?

They're not normal. It's like you've got an ankle that just won't quit.

It was kind of weird seeing you sort of come at me.

It was like the BFG had a kid.

All right. Well, thanks, Jimmy and Melanie.

We'll be seeing a bit more of them in just a bit.

We will, and welcome to Save Our Summer!

CHEERING

As well as Jimmy and Melanie C, we've got

a very unique Garden Sessions performance from Black Eyed Peas,

and he's back to try and make it 3-1 against Peter.

He's the king of chinos. Fast Dad is here.

You are still, you came in smirking today.

You're really happy about beating him, aren't you? Yeah.

You know, he lives in the local area.

People have been coming up to me constantly saying,

I can't believe you're getting toyed with by Fast Dad.

Are you getting teased? You know, dog walking, it's really my life.

We've found his weakness.

If it's not to do with fast-paced running, he's not as strong.

He's not a skilful dad. Right!

Well, let's bring on our first guest. Yes.

The only thing funnier than my next guest is his own laugh.

It's Jimmy Carr!

APPLAUSE

# It's Jimmy Carr

# It's Jimmy Carr!

# Jimmy... #

Hello, Jimmy. What a pleasure to be here. I've been watching at home.

This is nice. Thank you.

Genuinely I've been sat at home watching this,

because I'm not working for the first time in my life. Yeah, yeah.

I was going to say, literally the busiest man ever is now not busy.

I'm not doing anything. It's all right.

I wanted to comment on this hat. It's a bit of a Peaky Blinders look.

Yeah, I shaved my head. Whoa! When did this happen?

APPLAUSE

Thanks very much, yeah.

It's a very different look for you. Well, I'll tell you what I did.

You know, I had a hair transplant. OK.

Because you know I kind of had a look of a snooker-playing vampire.

I always called you a vampire.

I said snooker player and she said vampire, funnily enough.

Well, you're both right!

So what happened was, my hair was socially distancing

from my forehead, and I'd had enough of it.

So I got them to...

So you genuinely did have...? I genuinely did, yeah.

I shaved my head, and what they do is they take

hairs from the back of your head and they put them on the front.

It's basically, I had enough hair, it was just in the wrong place.

Right. Growing out the ears, and... It was just a bit of redistribution.

You know what I have to say.

Hats off to you, no pun intended,

because not many people would be that open about doing it. Very true.

That's a weird thing where guys in Hollywood or whatever sort of go,

"Oh, I haven't had anything done! Oh, no."

Be honest, did lockdown finish a little bit too early for you?

Were you hoping to have like a full barnet before...?

He wanted dreadlocks by the end of it!

Well, probably before I go back on...

I don't know when it's coming back.

For a lot of people I think lockdown is still a very real thing.

Have you got a joint household yet? Have you chosen your bubble?

My bubble? Didn't Boris call it a bubble?

You can have a household with a...bubble, apparently.

If a household has a bubble, you can mix with it.

Basically, you can join households with another

household as long as they've only got one person.

Sorry, are we doing like Wife Swap on a national scale?

So you phone up your friend with the fittest wife...

And you say, "Let's have a swap." OK. Do you want to swap?

Oh, my God! I'm just saying! I'm just saying.

So, are you planning on getting anything else done?

I've had everything else done! I had my teeth done and it was, ting!

They look great. Your teeth look good.

They look quite natural, as well. Quite natural? Quite natural.

Quite natural was exactly what we were going for.

I said, "I don't want these looking real.

"I want people to know I've had them done." Quite natural, then.

You see, I've been called the fourth Bee Gee before, right?

I don't feel like that's warranted, because mine were...

I got them knocked out and caught them, in a match.

So what I'm going to do, when I go back in,

I need to get them fitted back in.

I'm not going to say I want the brown ones that I had before!

Do you know what I mean? I'm going to say I want the white set!

When your teeth got done, did they have any in your size? Because...

Are you saying I've got horse teeth?

No, I'm not being mean.

I'm just saying you could eat an apple through a fence.

That is very true. You look lovely. Thanks. Really approachable.

So you got yours knocked out in a match?

Coloccini, who plays for Newcastle, elbowed me in the face.

How high was his elbow? I know, yeah.

Well, he's obviously meant it, I believe.

And then, yeah, they fell out and I caught them. And I tried to...

How many teeth? Is someone going to win those later on in the show?

I was going to say, other than your teeth,

are you into surgery or anything? Not really.

But my nose was terrible before, I broke that again,

and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

You got kicked in the face and that's the best thing that's ever happened? Yeah.

If you'd have seen my nose beforehand, honestly, it was awful.

I had it smashed to pieces. Was it like Mr Potato Head?

It was pretty bad. It was sort of over here somewhere. Wow.

Yeah. I think you've got great features.

I don't know if they all go together...

Speaking of things that aren't real, a lot of people

speculate about your laugh, and they say it's a fake laugh.

It's that actually a telly laugh or a real one?

Why would you fake that laugh?

HE IMITATES OWN LAUGH

It's a weird kind of seal being attacked by a donkey.

That hard to do, as well. I think we can play it, Jimmy.

I think we can play your laugh.

Do we know Jimmy's laugh? I think we can do it.

So it's E-flat, I think.

HONKING

Not bad. I think I'm flattered!

It's an iconic laugh. It is a big laugh. I like it.

It's a weird noise, but it's very genuine.

Unlike the rest of me, it is genuine!

That part's real.

JIMMY LAUGHS

LAUGHTER

There you go.

No, listen. You've been to Wimbledon, like, every year.

I go to Wimbledon a lot, yeah. I love tennis.

I just adore it as a sport to watch.

I think a lot of people maybe find it a little bit boring.

Don't panic, football's back! No, I grew up with tennis.

I played tennis when I was kid. You play tennis? Tennis and football, yeah. OK.

Do you just stand in the middle and Mr Tickle it?

No, I enjoyed it.

I played almost to the level of football and then I chose...

Almost to the level of football? For me. Really? You were that...?

I was decent, yeah. You should have done it.

You're probably still number two in Britain.

Melanie, have you ever been to Wimbledon? No.

I'm actually really terrible at tennis. But I know Jimmy's handy.

You do love your tennis, don't you? Yeah, really, I love it.

It's kind of that sports thing. I came to sports very late in life.

I was probably about 35 when I went, "I might do some sport.

"I might give that a go."

Because the first ten years of being a comedian,

I was just eating food in garages and I went a bit...

And then I saw myself on TV and went, "That's got to stop!"

Have you played against anyone famous?

I've played against a lot of people. I played against Boris Johnson.

Once. Really? Yeah. How was he? He was out of his depth.

Insert your own joke there.

I played against Andy Murray a couple of times, Tim Henman.

I once played Elton John at Elton's house. I know Elton quite well.

I went round for a game and I thought, "I'll do him a favour,

"I'll give him a bit of a lesson here." He was amazing! Was he?

He was properly great, an incredible, sort of, forehand.

Brilliant. Our Elton, hey? Who knew? Who knew? He can do everything!

Right. With the Euros, the Olympics gone this summer, we created

a special tournament featuring some of the UK's biggest names in sport.

Here's legendary commentator John Motson to tell us more.

The smorgasbord of sport that 2020 promised to be

has been wiped off the menu.

Oh! But when the chips are down and our backs are against the wall,

we never give in...

SHE CHEERS

..we fight.

We fight back with toilet rolls, with teabags

and with ping-pong balls.

Oh!

All of which gave Peter Crouch an idea

to help save our summer of sport.

This is a title I really want. I'm up for it. Come on.

He has assembled eight sporting superstars...

Concentrate, man. Come on. ..at the peak of their powers,

going head-to-head in a knockout tournament like no other.

Yes!

This is The Sporting Fix.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And there it is, the Cup of Cups trophy.

There she is.

# Champions! #

Right, yeah, it's got fairy lights on it this week. Mm.

Um... It's still rubbish.

LAUGHTER

I've never seen a cup with fairy lights on them. No.

It's not going to catch on. Where are you going to plug it in?

LAUGHTER

Very true, very true.

Extension leads everywhere. Yeah.

This week, the action is really hotting up.

Going head-to-head in our third quarterfinal,

we've got gymnastics versus athletics

as five-time Olympic medallist Max Whitlock

takes on Olympic gold medal legend Jessica Ennis-Hill.

It's massive. There's only one thing to do with bouncy Olympians,

you make them high jump stacks of cups.

Here's what they're taking on.

Oh! Oh! Oh. Yeah.

So all our sports stars need is a good leap,

some cups and a strong coccyx.

What do you think a coccyx is?

What do I think a coccyx is? Yeah.

Don't draw me out like this.

You know I don't know what a coccyx is.

Is it the...the little, um, bone in between your bum cheeks?

That one that hangs out? That's close enough. It's like, yeah, it's the bottom of your back, isn't it?

Tail bone? Do you know, Abbey broke her coccyx once.

I know we're getting off topic here, but she did...

How did you do that, you legend?

LAUGHTER

I was dancing on the bar, believe it or not. As you do.

And, yeah, she's looked up, laughed

and fell backwards and broke her coccyx. Yeah.

Oh!

Bless her. Yeah.

Right, so for our third quarterfinal of The Sporting Fix,

Whitlock versus Ennis-Hill.

Commentary from Steve Wilson.

Here we are, then. Jessica Ennis-Hill going head-to-head

with Max Whitlock in the High Jump Cup Challenge.

These two are no strangers to elite-level competition,

but today we'll see who can really handle the pressure.

I think we've all been gagging for some sport this year.

We've missed so much so I was so, so excited

when I got asked to take part in The Sporting Fix challenge.

Being selected for the Cup of Cups tournament, this is game changing.

Let's go.

For this quarterfinal, there are no rules.

Jump over as many cups as possible

in any way possible.

The warm-ups are almost over.

Just time for a spot of showboating from Max.

Max is first. Here we go.

Beautifully done!

Opted for the backflip and barely broke a sweat there.

Max showing that he's no mug

when it comes to clearing cups.

Jessica's up next. Seven cups now.

The weather is not on her side today.

Oh! She'll be happy with that.

Remember, clearing the higher stack of cups

is what wins here today.

Oh, it's beautiful!

The classic gymnastic round-off.

You'll see his T-shirt nearly clipped the top cup here.

Might want to tuck that in, Max.

Max's wife, Leah, helping to steady nine cups now.

And he's done it!

Dive roll and still plenty of clearance.

Nine cups for Jess now.

It's almost as tall as she is.

Oh, my!

The spring in those heels is remarkable!

Now Max is going for 11.

Can he do it?

Oh, yes, he can!

He's certainly set the bar high.

If you manage to beat that, then you deserve to go through

cos that's nearly as tall as me so I'm pretty pleased. Phew!

So, Max gave up at 11 cups.

Can Jess do one better and jump 12?

Looks like she's going for it,

and hoping for a soft landing.

Jess Ennis-Hill. This for victory.

Oh, she's done it!

A save-our-summer scissor kick straddle stepover!

She's through to meet Mo Farah

in the semifinal.

Woohoo!

Not bad, Max!

Well, that's it for today. I've been Steve Wilson

and this has been The Sporting Fix.

Oh, that was good, wasn't it? That kick was good.

I didn't think she was going to get it when I saw him doing all the gymnastics acrobatic situation,

but the fly-kick sorted it. That was the scissor technique.

I was Ealing Borough record holder at 15.

Were you actually?

I genuinely... I genuinely was, actually.

Such a sporty man, so many accolades. Yeah. Yeah, I know, thanks a lot.

Who has a...?

LAUGHTER

Who has a crash mat lying around the house just to wheel in?

Yeah, no, that... She was always going to win with that.

What's she been getting up to on that crash mat?

Well, it's always nice to have something to fall back on.

LAUGHTER

Right, unlucky, Max, but congratulations to Jessica,

who will meet the mighty Mo Farah

in our first semifinal in two weeks' time.

CHEERING

# Peter Crouch's Sporting Fix. #

So retirement doesn't have to be all playing Scrabble

and watching Homes Under The Hammer, and we know that because this week,

Peter took his ex team-mate Wayne Bridge

high-wire tightrope walking.

I don't know why you did this.

I'm guessing having a low centre of gravity

was obviously a key thing before this one, right?

Yeah, possibly the reason why I was terrible at it. Mm.

It was horrendous.

You know when you jump out of a plane, you just jump.

This one, it felt like... No. No, I don't.

No, but you just jump and you can't do anything about it. This one, every step felt like

you were jumping out of a plane. It was just so unnatural and horrible.

When did you actually retire from football? Was it...? Last year.

Was it only last year? Yeah, yeah. Where did you end up? What club did you end up at?

I was at Burnley. Well, that hardly counts.

LAUGHTER

Well, let's have a look now.

When Crouchy and Wayne went on an extreme retirement challenge.

Bridgey, I'm not sure about this now, you know.

We ain't going up there, surely?

What was you thinking?

I've done a few bits and pieces for this show,

but this is right up there with one of the stupidest.

THEY LAUGH

How are you, mate? All good. Yeah, all good.

Oh, wow, you are as tall as they say you are. Crikey!

I look like your pole. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

I don't know if I've got one long enough for you.

Use your breath. That's it, Bridgey.

Keep breathing. Breathe deeper. Look at that.

Yeah, keep straight in the middle. Keep breathing. Keep breathing.

Stay, stay!

OK, cool.

This is so hard! So tough, yeah.

Oh, f...

Do you know when you started playing football,

did you ever think you'd be doing this?

THEY LAUGH

Yes, geez!

What we're doing here is the things you couldn't do when you were playing.

Is there anything that you did, maybe broke the rules?

Snowboarding, really.

I was at Man City at the time,

training ground was right by SnowDome so every day...

What, so like, every day after training?

Every day, every day, I was at that SnowDome

from literally one till ten at night when it shut,

just trying to get better and better.

I actually got injured one day, so I've got Nedum Onuoha and I said,

"Right, first minute of training, geez, you've got to push me over

"and I've got to pretend I've done my elbow."

So it was in the warm up, I think,

and then he pushed me over and I said, "Oh, I've done my elbow!"

So what do you reckon, mate, should we give this a go or what?

Going to have to now we're here, I guess. Now we're here.

I ain't being funny, I'm well nervous now.

PETER LAUGHS

This is scary.

Feel your breath coming into your body.

I'm just happy I'm breathing at the moment, to be honest.

I am shitting myself, mate, honest.

Sorry, my language, but...

My legs feel like jelly.

Good. Keep moving forward.

Eyes lock onto the tower.

Keep breathing. Focus with your eyes.

Good. Hold that pole strong. Pull it onto the body.

Stay strong. Whoa! Stay strong!

Pull that pole up straight. Strong legs.

And walk forwards when you're ready.

Look at the end of the wire

and keep stepping slowly,

but determined.

Use your breath to relax the wobble.

Take your time.

Stay with it, stay present in THIS moment.

Step.

And breathing all the way.

Bridgey! That's me. I couldn't go any further, mate.

Woohoo!

Mate, that is so wobbly.

Mate, you've just done it!

My leg's all over the shop, mate. Oh, my gosh. Unbelievable.

Well done, man.

I mean, that's incredible. Like, considering...

I mean, he was scared. I could see it in his face.

Cheers, mate. No worries, man. Well done.

Fair play, son. I want to give you a handshake, but brilliant.

You got me, yeah? Yeah, I got you.

Cor, that's fucking high.

You all right? Do you feel all right?

Nah.

Sweating. Yeah, my hands are sweating as well.

I'm, like, sweat... Dripping. Like, dripping with sweat.

Aw, mate.

Come on, geez.

Breathe into the next step.

OK.

I'm struggling with this. Big time.

Stepping, breathing, stepping. Keep strong. Stand up straight.

Stand up straight. Keep stepping forward.

That's all right, mate. I done that a few times.

Try step. Stay strong and tall.

LAUGHTER

You almost got him! You almost got him!

Ah!

I can't help laughing. I don't mean it in a bad way.

My technique's gone. Completely.

You never had much technique anyway!

Tech'ers has always been ugly, innit, really?

No, I didn't mean on the pitch. I just meant on this.

I thought you were quite good on the pitch.

This is the same day, by the way.

Here he goes. Here he goes. Go for it. One, two, and again.

Keep going, keep going. Stay strong.

Keep holding that pole. Keep walking.

Keep walking.

Keep going. Stay strong. Bring that pole up to the belly.

Stay calm. Keep going forward.

He's got it if he stays at that pace.

Feel the wire underneath the feet.

Feel the breath coming into your body.

Breathe deep and strong. I want to hear your breath.

Nice and calm. Nice and fluid.

Gently. Yes!

PETER YELLS

Look how happy he is! Come on! Woo!

WHISTLING

How good does that feel?

That feels amazing, honestly. I just...

I didn't think I could do that.

Chris, thanks again, mate. My pleasure.

You've done amazing, both of you. Thank you very much.

I had a gag planned for afterwards when we got over,

and things got heavy. Very serious.

THEY LAUGH

Am I ready for the circus or what?

There's always room for one more in the circus.

APPLAUSE

BAND PLAYS JAZZY TUNE

Well done. Well done. That looked so, so scary.

Honestly, it was harrowing. That's the first time I've seen it back.

It's brought back so many memories. It was horrible.

It was the worst thing I've ever done.

Like I said before, if it's on your bucket list, just take it off.

Delete it. It was horrible, but I was so glad that we got through it,

and we got over it, and I just didn't realise

how degrading it looked when I fell and I was just, like, hanging.

You came down, you looked like Pinocchio.

Just like a sad, "I'm not a real boy any more," coming down.

You know the big ladder that you climbed? Mm.

Any relation?

LAUGHTER

Do you know when I turned up,

it was, like, two ladders either side.

It just looked like me from behind.

I have to give a shoutout to Bridgey as well, because he was scared.

Very scared, and first time, he got across.

You both conquered your fears that day. Yeah.

Congratulations. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Come on.

Now it's time to welcome some true pop royalty.

A bona fide Spice Girl legend.

Yes, it's Sporty Spice herself.

The one and only Melanie C!

CHEERING, WHISTLING

# Melanie C

# Mel, amazing

# Mel C! #

Ta-da! How are you? Hello. I'm all right. It's lovely to see you both.

I've been watching at home as well and really enjoying it, so, yeah.

Thank you. Maya's a big fan.

I am a massive... I'm a really big fan. You lot are legends, actually.

And I've even seen you in your DJ career as well.

Yes. You've DJed at Brits After Party.

I saw you going for it. Great energy.

We've been on the same bill haven't we, sometimes?

I DJed before you. Yeah.

Well, what have you been doing in lockdown, Mel?

I have been so busy, because I was...

I, literally, I was in Australia,

and then I flew to LA and I'd started the promo for my new album.

Amazing. Had to come home quickly,

and I had to, like, go, "What are we going to do?"

You know, we had all these promo trips planned.

So I just started doing loads of live stream stuff,

Q&As, DJ sets, some performances, and, yeah...

Just from home? Just from home.

So, yeah, I mean, I've barely left my living room,

which now is like a club, a TV studio. It's like...

And then the kids want to play PlayStation.

I mean, and the home-schooling, and the cooking,

and the cleaning, and the... Yeah, it's been full-on.

So I haven't had time to, like, sit around and stuff,

but I think in a way it's been good,

cos it's helped the time pass quicker. Yeah.

You mentioned your new song. Let's have a look now.

This is a clip from Blame It On Me.

# Why don't you just blame it on me again?

# Wide awake but you're sound asleep again

# If it works for you then I'll take the heat again

# Running out of people you can call your friend

# So why don't you just blame it on me? #

APPLAUSE

I'll clap myself.

Kung fu fighting!

And, Mel, you're a big Liverpool fan.

Was there a point there where you thought

they weren't going to win it?

To have such an incredible season,

and then for it to just, you know, all go so weird.

It's, like, it's gutting,

but Liverpool haven't been this phenomenal since I was a kid,

and I've never doubted that we'd win.

Yeah.

You know, I've always wanted to ask you,

like, what did you make of the boys being called the Spice Boys

when they were obviously in the FA Cup final, things like that?

And obviously, I know you knew some of the players.

Yeah, I probably used to go to the game a bit more back then.

Oh, look, here we are. There they are. The boys.

Spice Boys, to be precise. Look at Jamie.

But they were special,

because they had celebrity friends, they wore their white suits.

They weren't just your average Liverpool team, where they?

Something very funny just popped into my head.

I definitely won't tell that one.

LAUGHTER

The one funny thing that I think I can tell you that happened once.

So I was quite friendly with Robbie Fowler,

and I got a voicemail from Robbie one afternoon.

I had a listen and I thought, "That's not Robbie."

And it was Razor Ruddock, and he was asking me to set him up with Geri.

LAUGHING

No way!

Yeah, so he'd nicked Robbie's phone. So, yeah, so that was quite funny.

I don't know why. In my mind, I'd imagine, like,

Spice Girls and footballers meeting up and having, like, barbecues.

Yeah, like Sporty and Becks having a little kick around.

Yeah, that's in my mind. Did that happen? No, it didn't.

What about Becks? Where did the nickname Golden Balls come from?

Were they on a chat show? Were they on Parkinson?

And she called him Golden Balls,

and I think it was just at a point in his career

when all was forgiven, and he just had this meteoric rise.

Yeah. You know, David's amazing, and he's a legend.

Great player. I mean...

Did you introduce them? Is that right?

No, I didn't introduce them, but I went to...

Me and Victoria went to a game, and we met him afterwards,

and they've been together ever since.

So I was there when they met. Oh, OK.

But that was quite funny. It was Man U, so it was at Old Trafford,

and we went down to do the half-time scores,

and the whole of Old Trafford started going,

"You Scouse bastard! You Scouse bastard!" Oh, my God!

So there's actually photographs on the internet of me going...

Like that. Love it.

But, yeah, I was quite proud of myself at that point,

being shouted at, but, yeah,

she used to get really awful things shouted.

I mean, football fans, as brilliant as they are, they are ruthless.

David Beckham, more than any other player, I think.

I mean, I remember after that World Cup when he came back,

and I remember watching him.

It was Chelsea-Man United, and the abuse he got was unbelievable,

especially about Victoria as well,

so if she was ever in the stand, it would have been harrowing.

It must have been so hard.

I'd like to take the opportunity to apologise.

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry I started that whole thing.

Well, you're sticking around, but for now, thank you, Melanie C!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right, Styles, it's your favourite part of the show.

Time to give a lucky Peter Crouch fan

the chance to win some of your stuff

as you take on your school sports day nemesis,

Fast Dad!

The guy.

How you feeling about it? Yeah, no, I'm feeling...

I'm feeling confident.

It's a weird thing, like, knowing that I'm in his head now.

You know you're inside.

I've just got him, and I think he's nervous.

Now, Alex, I know you've lined up some more Peter Crouch fans

that are more than happy to take his stuff.

Do you want to talk us through those?

I do. I am the president, as you know,

of the leading Peter Crouch fan club, the Church of Crouchology,

and this week I asked them a question

that only a true Peter Crouch fan would get right.

It was this question -

what superstitious ritual would Crouchy perform

before the start of a game?

And the Crouchette who answered correctly was Kelly Marshall.

Kelly!

Hello.

She is a dancer from Cambridge.

She currently works in a supermarket,

so she's keeping the country going.

Lovely. Thank you, Kelly. How are you?

I'm good, how are you? I'm very good, thanks.

So what superstitious ritual did Peter perform before every game?

A jump and a header, then he tied his right boot up.

That is true, yeah.

APPLAUSE

So, talk us through. Why did you do that? Um...

It's a weird thing, yeah. Just something I always did.

You know you go down the line and you do the handshake. Yeah.

And then from the handshake,

I always liked to sort of practice my header, so I did that.

I used to jump up, header and then I'd run,

I'd clap the fans and then I'd come back and I'd tie my right bootlace.

And you just thought... And I just did it every match of my life.

Did you have any superstitions when you...? Um...

I think I'm quite superstitious.

With the girls, we always come together before the show.

We do this thing where, you know, "All for one, one for all," kind of thing and then we just...

It's like if it goes wrong, you know, it doesn't matter.

Then we'd just go, "Fuck it!"

LAUGHTER

All right, let's find out what item of Peter's stuff

is on offer for you to win tonight, Kelly.

Over to Abbey.

Hello and welcome to our garage. Ta-da!

This week's prize is Pete's manky old boots.

These boots were actually worn

in the Champions League final in Athens.

They are grass print, red,

and a size 12.

There's not a lot of people who are going to fit into these boots,

but it doesn't matter cos it'll double up as a little clutch,

or a wine holder.

SHE CHUCKLES

APPLAUSE

Lovely. Wow.

All right, Crouchy, you have a chance

to stop Kelly walking away with your football boots.

All you have to do

is beat our very own CHINO D'Acampo.

He's currently beating you 2-1.

It's Fast Dad!

CHEERING

# Fast Dad

# Fast Dad

# Chinos! # He'll get a dance to that, too.

The entrance kills me!

Oh, my God, he's not happy.

I'm normally rude to Fast Dad,

but I think we look like sort of before and after photos.

LAUGHTER

Get your hair done, come on.

Peter, you're going to take on Fast Dad

at another school-based activity - basketball.

OK? I imagine this is more your sort of thing.

Can you slam dunk either of you?

Yeah. Yeah? I reckon I can. Chance at the slam.

Here he goes. OK.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He can. He can.

There we go. That was good.

It's quite easy when you're eight foot, though, isn't it? It does help.

It's looking good for you, Peter, but that is not the challenge.

Now this is a homage, really,

to my favourite Spice Girl and footballer combination,

it's Golden Balls.

All you've got to do is shoot a hoop from the spot

and the rules are simple. It's sudden death.

We keep going until someone gets it in. OK.

If you win, Peter, you get to keep your treasured football boots.

If Fast Dad wins, then Kelly will receive them in the post.

Have either of the you been practising prior?

No, unfortunately not, no.

No information this week or last week on what's going...

Obviously, Peter's now selecting the tasks.

I'm not selecting tasks. Ooh, fighting talk. Here we go.

Peter, Fast Dad, shoot those Golden Balls.

JIMMY: Come on, Fast Dad. Come on!

Ooh! Oh, it's a miss.

Not far off, not far off.

I was nervous there. Not far off.

OK, then, Peter, here we go.

Oh!

Come on!

OK, here... Oh.

Ooh! Oh!

Oh, my God, that was inches. Very close.

Right, they've got their eye in. Here we go. All right.

Oh, my God!

So close.

How's that not gone?

I've just... I've got gigs in September, so if you can just...

LAUGHTER

Oh! Yay!

JIMMY: Fast Dad!

Come on, Fast Dad!

OK. Peter, it's sudden death, as you know.

If you miss this...

Oh. ..Kelly wins your stuff.

And you suddenly die.

Oh, my God!

Fast Dad is the winner!

JIMMY CHUCKLES

Oh, Peter!

Oh, no. Gosh.

Well, congratulations to Fast Dad.

Commiserations, Peter. I'm so sorry, really meant a lot to him today.

But that means the person going home

with Peter's treasured football boots is Kelly.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you to Fast Dad. See you next week for another head-to-head.

# Win Peter's stuff, Peter's stuff

# Peter's stuff, win! #

Oh, yes. Oh.

Fast Dad! Peter, Peter.

That was supposed to be the one.

It was, yeah. I'm highly disappointed.

I'm embarrassed and I'd like to apologise.

Sorry about that. I was laughing so much I couldn't look at you

when you were doing it. Yeah, because you know how much it means to me.

Genuine disappointment.

I reckon Fast Dad's going to be on I'm A Celeb next year, you know.

I wouldn't be surprised. He's going massive, isn't he?

In there, "Who are you?" "I beat Peter Crouch at everything." "I'm Fast Dad."

Oh! It's going to make me sick. I won't even watch it.

Right. Well, as you know, one big casualty this summer

has been music festivals being cancelled.

We're all devastated,

but we're here to finally fill that festive-y little hole

in your lives with the Garden Sessions.

Yeah, and this is a good one.

We've got one of the biggest groups in the world

performing in a virtual garden they've created.

Following LA Covid rules,

this is Black Eyed Peas with Mamacita.

# Mamacita, mamacita

# Que bonita, mamacita

# Eh-oh, eh-eh-oh, eh-eh-oh

# Eh-eh-oh, eh-eh-oh, eh-eh-oh

# Eh-eh-oh, eh-eh-oh, eh-eh

# Dame eso, dame beso

# Dame tu corazon, dame cuerpo

# Mami, when you move your body I won't let go

# You the best, baby yep, you special

# Damn, baby, I want what you got Eh

# First time I seen you I'm like who that? Eh

# Dame dulce, dame azucar Eh

# I do what you say, vamos a bailar Eh

# Cos I like the way you move like this Eh

# I like the way you wind up your hips Eh

# I like the way you wind and twist it Eh

# Hot damn, baby, you got me lit

# When you put me in the mix put me in the mix

# Put me in the, put me in the put me in the mix

# I'ma put you in the mix put you in the mix

# Put you in the, put you in the put you in the mix, eh

# All right, OK

# I'ma love you all kinda ways

# Boy, you got me caliente

# When you call me mamacita

# All right, uh-huh

# Boy you got me sayin' Ooh-la-la

# Ay, Dios mio, oh, my God

# Call me mamacita

# Mamacita, mamacita

# Que bonita, mamacita

# Eh-oh, eh-eh-oh, eh-eh-oh

# Eh-eh-oh, eh-eh-oh, eh-eh-oh

# Eh-eh-oh, eh-eh-oh, eh-eh

# Put me in the mix put me in your vida

# Put me on top, ponme arriba

# Ponme a', ponme a', ponme arriba

# Mami got the fire and I got the gasolina

# Mueve, mami, move it on me Eh

# Sacudelo, make me a zombie Eh

# Girl, make me sweat like wasabi Eh

# You know I make you wet like tsunami Eh

# I wanna make you my princesa Eh

# Where you wanna go? What interests ya? Eh

# Give you the mundo to impress ya Eh

# If you're hot, baby let me undress ya

# All right, OK

# I'ma love you all kinda ways

# Boy, you got me caliente

# When you call me mamacita

# All right, uh-huh

# Boy you got me sayin' Ooh-la-la

# Ay, Dios mio, oh, my God

# Call me mamacita

# All right, OK

# I'ma love you all kinda ways

# Boy, you got me caliente

# When you call me mamacita

# All right, uh-huh

# Boy, you got me sayin' Ooh-la-la

# Ay, Dios mio, oh, my God

# Call me mamacita. #

APPLAUSE

That was so good! Oh, that was good.

Thank you, Black Eyed Peas, who have been working together in LA.

Do you know, they performed that, genuinely, in will.i.am's back garden?

That's his actual back garden? Yeah.

You can catch their new album Translation, which is out right now.

Right, we've had music, we've had sport.

It's now time to bring them together

as we play musical VAR.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# VAR

# Musical VAR

# Very Accurate Rhythm. #

Jim, you look the part here, mate. Yeah, but I mean,

this is against Sporty Spice. This is huge. Yeah, this is big.

It's not against, Jimmy. You're playing together this time.

LAUGHTER

You are playing together, Jimmy. You're a team.

You're going to be the conductor of The Horne Section.

You've chosen table tennis

as your method of conducting the band.

That is going to control the tempo, OK? OK.

And they're going to be playing

everybody's favourite Spice Girl's song, Wannabe.

Ooh, no, not everyone's favourite. No? 2 Become 1.

2 Become 1?

Yeah. Topical. Because it's a bit saucy.

Oh, it's not about the metre rule that's been...

OK, right.

LAUGHTER

So this is obviously how Wannabe sounds.

# I'll tell you what I want What I really, really want

# So tell us what you want What you really, really want

# I'll tell you what I want What I really, really want

# So tell us what you want What you really, really want

# I'll tell you what I want What I really, really want

# So tell us what you want What you really, really want

# I'll tell you what I want What I really, really want

# So tell us what you want What you really, really want

# And stop! #

There we go. That's what it should sound like.

APPLAUSE

I couldn't remember what I wanted.

But, um...

MEL LAUGHS

Melanie, did you enjoy that?

Erm, I did at the beginning.

Yeah, at...

LAUGHTER

The bit of that song they play should last 30 seconds

if you get the rhythm correctly.

They'll play every time the ball touches your bat or the table.

MEL HUMS: # Mm, mm-mm... #

I want to on top of that leaderboard.

# Mm, mm-mm, mm-mm. # OK?

Ready?

Your music will start when your bat hits the ball.

MUSIC STOPS

OK.

MEL LAUGHS

OK, how un-sporty were the others?

LAUGHTER

MUSIC PLAYS

Oh! Keep going.

No!

MUSIC SPEEDS UP

Yes, good rhythm. This is it.

Woo! Keep going.

Ah!

MUSIC STOPS

APPLAUSE

Oh, yeah.

How did we...how did we do?

You finished it in

38.02 seconds.

That's quite good.

You're in fourth place.

You're not upset, Jimmy? No, I mean, obviously a little bit.

I mean, Sporty Spice, I feel like I've been sold a wrong 'un.

LAUGHTER

Well, they are bottom of the leaderboard.

But thank you to Melanie C and Jimmy Carr.

APPLAUSE

# Musical VAR

# Very Accurate Rhythm. #

Yah!

Welcome back.

Yeah, no, I see you looking, drink it in. What a real man looks like.

It's good, it's very good.

All right, well, that's just about all we've got time for.

A massive thanks to our guests tonight, Melanie C, Jimmy Carr,

Black Eyed Peas, Max Whitlock,

Jessica Ennis-Hill

and of course, my absolute favourite, Fast Dad.

Yes, join us next week where we've got Aisling Bea,

Joe Cole, Dinah Asher-Smith, John legend,

all helping to Save Our Summer.

To play us out, Alex and The Horne Section are dedicating a song

to some of the unsung heroes of the last few months.

Who is it this week, Alex?

Yes, this week, we're dedicating a song

to all those beautiful men and women

who spend their time wearing wellies.

No, not the hipsters in East London,

I'm talking about our wonderful farmers.

Amazing. From me, Maya, Alex and The Horne Section,

it's goodnight. Night!

One, two, three.

# There is Georgie milking cows every day

# And there's Marcus making sure the chickens lay

# He's a man who's on a mission

# To provide nice eggs for you

# Thanks to Cheryl we get nutrition

# And Andy too, his cows say moo-oo-oo

# Farmer, farmer, farmer You are one in a million... #

Thank you.

# ..You rake and sow

# You rear and hoe, hoe-hoe-hoe

# Loving isn't easy when you're feeding from dawn till dusk

# You milk a cow

# And guide the plough

# Thank you Mandy You're so happy with your lambs

# Thanks to Flavian for sorting out our ham

# Josh you've got a mighty tractor

# It can plough a field so steep

# Andrew's calves have the X factor

# Hannah you your lovely sheep

# Farmer, farmer, farmer You are one in a million... #

Thank you.

# ..You rake and hoe

# You rear and sow-ow-ow-ow

# Loving isn't easy when you're feeding from dawn till dusk

# You milk the cows

# And guide the plo-ughs. #

Thank you, farmers.

APPLAUSE