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1
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♪ Don't bring a frown
2
00:00:18,486 --> 00:00:21,189
♪ to old Broadway
3
00:00:21,222 --> 00:00:26,260
♪ you've got a clown
on Broadway ♪
4
00:00:26,294 --> 00:00:29,097
♪ And your troubles there
5
00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:31,232
♪ are out of style
6
00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:36,804
♪ 'cause Broadway
always wears a smile ♪
7
00:00:36,837 --> 00:00:39,573
♪ And a million lights
8
00:00:39,607 --> 00:00:41,742
♪ they flicker there
9
00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:45,246
♪ a million hearts beat
10
00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:47,681
♪ quicker there
11
00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:52,220
♪ no skies are gray
on the great white way ♪
12
00:00:52,253 --> 00:00:56,824
♪ 'Cause that's
the Broadway melody ♪
13
00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:21,849
♪ A million lights
14
00:01:21,882 --> 00:01:24,252
♪ they flicker there
15
00:01:24,285 --> 00:01:27,888
♪ and a million hearts beat
16
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:30,558
♪ quicker there
17
00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:34,562
♪ no skies are gray
on the great white way ♪
18
00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:40,201
♪ 'Cause that's
the Broadway melody ♪
19
00:01:40,234 --> 00:01:46,574
♪ That's the Broadway melody
20
00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:54,848
Curtain's going up.
21
00:01:54,882 --> 00:01:58,852
Curtain is going up!
Curtain's going up.
22
00:01:58,886 --> 00:02:01,155
A big Broadway opening.
23
00:02:01,189 --> 00:02:04,825
Everybody who's anybody in New York
is inside this theater tonight.
24
00:02:04,858 --> 00:02:07,295
Everybody but one man.
25
00:02:07,328 --> 00:02:10,698
This man. Me!
26
00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:13,601
Lyle, where are you going?
Didn't you direct this?
27
00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:15,669
I just have to...
28
00:02:15,703 --> 00:02:18,339
- One of two things.
- Get out of this theater.
29
00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:20,774
Mr. Fellows,
anything wrong with your seat?
30
00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:23,211
- It's facing the stage.
- No, just go ahead.
31
00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:27,315
It's gonna be a disaster.
I can't just sit and watch.
32
00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:46,367
Five seconds, and we still
haven't got a laugh.
33
00:02:49,470 --> 00:02:51,639
I'm not running away. I'm just
not a person who gets a kick
34
00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:53,641
out of watching
an automobile crash...
35
00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,809
Particularly when
it's my automobile.
36
00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:58,346
Must be the worst catastrophe
Broadway's ever seen.
37
00:02:58,379 --> 00:03:00,448
They'll forget their lines,
the set will fall down.
38
00:03:00,481 --> 00:03:02,483
None of us will
get out of New York alive.
39
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:04,685
They've got big pictures
of us in the lobby.
40
00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:06,654
I'll get on a plane.
I should've got on a plane
41
00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:08,822
when we first opened
in Des Moines.
42
00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:11,359
I should've got on a plane
before we opened in Des Moines.
43
00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:13,527
I should've got on a plane
at the dress rehearsal,
44
00:03:13,561 --> 00:03:16,364
as soon as that curtain went up
at the beginning of act I.
45
00:03:16,397 --> 00:03:18,632
As soon as that damn phone
rang, and Dotty came on
46
00:03:18,666 --> 00:03:20,934
with that first
plate of sardines.
47
00:03:23,471 --> 00:03:26,540
Hold your horses.
48
00:03:28,008 --> 00:03:29,843
Lord love a duck.
49
00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:32,680
Shut up, I'm on my way.
50
00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:35,549
It's no good you going on.
51
00:03:35,583 --> 00:03:38,352
I can't open sardines
and answer the phone.
52
00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:40,521
I've only got one pair of feet.
53
00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:42,456
Hello?
54
00:03:42,490 --> 00:03:45,025
Yes, but there's
no one here, love.
55
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,428
No, Mr. Brent's not here.
56
00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:50,831
He lives here, yes, but he don't live
here now because he lives in Spain.
57
00:03:50,864 --> 00:03:53,534
Mr. Philip Brent,
the one that writes the plays,
58
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:56,337
only now he writes them
in Spain.
59
00:03:56,370 --> 00:03:59,407
No, she's in Spain, too.
They're all in Spain.
60
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:02,543
Am I in Spain?
No, I'm not in Spain, dear.
61
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:04,545
I look after the house
for them,
62
00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:07,047
only I go home at 1:00
on Wednesdays.
63
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,049
So that's where I am.
64
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:13,721
No, because I got a nice plate of
sardines to put me feet up with.
65
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:16,857
And they got color here
and it's the royal...
66
00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:19,460
What's it called?
You know, the horse race.
67
00:04:19,493 --> 00:04:24,432
Where's the paper now?
If it's about letting the house,
68
00:04:24,465 --> 00:04:27,668
then you'll have to ring the house agents
'cause they're the agents for the house.
69
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:31,339
Squire, squire, hack ham
and who's the other one...
70
00:04:31,372 --> 00:04:35,309
No, they're not in Spain.
They're next to the phone in the study.
71
00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:37,545
Squire, squire, hack ham and...
72
00:04:37,578 --> 00:04:41,649
Hold on, I'll go and look.
Always the same, isn't it?
73
00:04:41,682 --> 00:04:43,451
Soon as you take
the weight off your feet,
74
00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:46,587
down it all comes
on your head.
75
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:49,323
And I take the sardines.
76
00:04:49,357 --> 00:04:50,791
No, I leave the sardines.
77
00:04:50,824 --> 00:04:52,726
No, I take the sardines.
78
00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:54,462
You leave the sardines
79
00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:56,797
and hang up the phone.
80
00:04:56,830 --> 00:05:01,335
Yes, right. I hang up...
The phone.
81
00:05:01,369 --> 00:05:04,338
And you leave the sardines.
82
00:05:04,372 --> 00:05:05,773
I leave the sardines?
83
00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:08,776
You leave the sardines.
84
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:12,079
I hang up the phone
and I leave the sardines?
85
00:05:12,112 --> 00:05:13,781
Right!
86
00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:17,685
We've changed that,
have we, dear?
87
00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:20,954
- No, dear.
- That's what I've always done?
88
00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:24,925
I wouldn't say that,
Dotty, my precious.
89
00:05:24,958 --> 00:05:27,961
How about the words, dear?
Am I getting some of them right?
90
00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:31,465
Some of them have
a very familiar ring.
91
00:05:31,499 --> 00:05:34,101
It's like a slot machine
up here.
92
00:05:34,134 --> 00:05:35,869
I know that, Dotty.
93
00:05:35,903 --> 00:05:39,573
I open my mouth and I never know
what's going to come out.
94
00:05:39,607 --> 00:05:41,875
Three oranges or
two lemons and a banana.
95
00:05:41,909 --> 00:05:46,113
Anyway, it's not midnight yet.
And we don't open till tomorrow.
96
00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:47,815
You're holding the receiver.
97
00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:50,050
I'm holding the receiver.
98
00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:54,955
"Squire, squire, hack ham."
And "hold on." And noises off.
99
00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:58,025
Squire, squire, hack ham
and hold on, don't go away.
100
00:05:58,058 --> 00:06:00,561
I'm hanging up the phone.
Always the same, isn't it?
101
00:06:00,594 --> 00:06:02,596
Put your feet up
for two minutes
102
00:06:02,630 --> 00:06:05,499
and they all come
running after you.
103
00:06:05,533 --> 00:06:06,900
Hold it!
104
00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:09,036
My housekeeper, yes,
but this is her afternoon off.
105
00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:10,838
Hold it, Larry. Dotty!
106
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:13,006
We've got the place
to ourselves.
107
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,409
- Wow!
- Hold it, Brooke.
108
00:06:15,443 --> 00:06:16,577
Dotty!!
109
00:06:16,610 --> 00:06:17,878
Come back?
110
00:06:17,911 --> 00:06:21,449
Yes, and go out again
with the newspaper.
111
00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:23,116
The newspaper?
112
00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:25,453
Oh, the newspaper.
113
00:06:25,486 --> 00:06:27,855
Hang up the phone,
you leave the sardines
114
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:31,058
and you go out
with the newspaper.
115
00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:32,860
- Here you are.
- Sorry, hon.
116
00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:34,995
Don't worry about it.
It's just the tech rehearsal.
117
00:06:35,028 --> 00:06:37,698
It's the dress rehearsal,
Garry, hon.
118
00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:39,199
When was the tech rehearsal?
119
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:41,869
When's the dress?
We open tomorrow.
120
00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:45,038
We're all thinking of it
as the tech, aren't we?
121
00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:48,742
- It's all those words.
- Don't worry about the words!
122
00:06:48,776 --> 00:06:52,212
And that accent.
It's coming out like oranges and lemons.
123
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:55,916
Your words are fine. They're better than the...
You know what I mean.
124
00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:57,217
- Isn't that right?
- Sorry?
125
00:06:57,250 --> 00:07:00,020
OK, so he's the... fine!
126
00:07:00,053 --> 00:07:04,558
But, dear, you've been
playing this kind of part for...
127
00:07:04,592 --> 00:07:06,794
Jesus, you know what I mean!
128
00:07:06,827 --> 00:07:10,764
So Garry and Brooke are off.
Dotty is holding the receiver.
129
00:07:10,798 --> 00:07:14,602
No, but here we are.
We're all thinking, "my god, we open tomorrow.
130
00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:17,905
"We had two weeks to rehearse.
We don't know where we are, but here we are!"
131
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:19,773
That's right, sweetie!
Isn't it?
132
00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:21,642
Beautifully put.
133
00:07:21,675 --> 00:07:24,645
We've got to play Des Moines
this week, then Pittsburgh,
134
00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:28,616
and then god knows where, and where
else, and so on, for god knows how long.
135
00:07:28,649 --> 00:07:30,718
We're all feeling
pretty much...
136
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:32,152
- Aren't you?
- Sorry?
137
00:07:32,185 --> 00:07:34,788
Anyway, you're off
and Dotty's holding the phone.
138
00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:37,224
Sometimes you have
to come right out with it.
139
00:07:37,257 --> 00:07:38,759
- I know.
- Thanks, Lloyd.
140
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:40,628
So, you're off.
141
00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:43,130
Let me just say one thing,
since we've stopped.
142
00:07:43,163 --> 00:07:47,000
I've worked with a lot of directors.
Some were geniuses, some were bastards,
143
00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:50,070
but I've never met one who was
so totally and absolutely,
144
00:07:50,103 --> 00:07:52,506
I don't know...
145
00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:54,642
Thank you, I'm very touched.
146
00:07:54,675 --> 00:07:57,244
Now will you get off
the fucking stage?
147
00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:59,212
- And Brooke?
- Yes?
148
00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:01,248
- Are you in?
- In?
149
00:08:01,281 --> 00:08:03,684
- Are you there?
- What?
150
00:08:03,717 --> 00:08:06,820
You're out. OK.
I'll call again.
151
00:08:06,854 --> 00:08:12,025
And on we go. So there you are
holding the receiver.
152
00:08:12,059 --> 00:08:16,864
There I am holding the receiver.
I hang up, I leave the sardines.
153
00:08:16,897 --> 00:08:21,535
- Always the same story.
- And you take the newspaper.
154
00:08:21,569 --> 00:08:24,972
I take the newspaper.
I leave the sardines.
155
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:27,975
Always the same story.
It's a weight off your mind,
156
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:31,211
it's a load off your stomach.
And off I go at last.
157
00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:35,849
Leaving the receiver.
158
00:08:37,685 --> 00:08:41,088
My housekeeper, yes, but...
159
00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:42,756
And, noises off.
160
00:08:42,790 --> 00:08:44,257
Stage!
161
00:08:45,993 --> 00:08:48,829
My housekeeper, yes,
but this is her afternoon off.
162
00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:51,932
We've got the place
entirely to ourselves.
163
00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:53,333
I'll just check.
164
00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:56,003
Hello? Anyone at home?
165
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:58,706
No, there's no one here.
So, what do you think?
166
00:08:58,739 --> 00:09:00,841
Great. And this is all yours?
167
00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:03,043
Just a little shack
in the woods really.
168
00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:06,346
- Converted mill, 16th century.
- Must've cost a bomb.
169
00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:09,149
One has to have somewhere
to entertain associates.
170
00:09:09,182 --> 00:09:12,219
Someone coming at 4:00, in fact.
Arab, oil, you know.
171
00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:15,689
I've got to get those files to
our basing-stoke office by 4:00.
172
00:09:15,723 --> 00:09:18,992
Yes, we'll only just manage to fit it in.
I mean, we'll only just do it.
173
00:09:19,026 --> 00:09:21,829
- Right.
- We won't bother to chill the champagne.
174
00:09:21,862 --> 00:09:24,898
- All these doors!
- Just a handful, really.
175
00:09:24,932 --> 00:09:27,367
Study, kitchen and a service
flat for the housekeeper.
176
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,369
- Terrific. Which one's the...
- What?
177
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,171
- You know.
- Through here.
178
00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:33,841
Fantastic.
179
00:09:33,874 --> 00:09:37,945
Now I've lost the sardines.
180
00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:40,380
I'm sorry, I thought
there was no one here.
181
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:43,150
I'm not here, I'm off.
Only it's the royal.
182
00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:46,153
The horse race, where they wear
those hats all covered in fruit.
183
00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:49,089
- And who are you?
- I'm from the agents.
184
00:09:49,122 --> 00:09:52,993
- Squire, squire, hack ham and Dudley.
- Which one are you, then?
185
00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:55,162
I'm Tramplemain.
186
00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:57,931
Walking in here as if you own the place!
I thought you was a burglar.
187
00:09:57,965 --> 00:10:00,968
No, I just dropped in
to go into a few things.
188
00:10:01,001 --> 00:10:04,838
To check some measurements.
Do one or two odd jobs.
189
00:10:06,974 --> 00:10:09,777
And I'm showing
a prospective tenant the house.
190
00:10:09,810 --> 00:10:12,312
- What's wrong with this door?
- She's thinking of renting it.
191
00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:15,916
Her interest is
definitely roused.
192
00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:18,819
- That's not the bedroom.
- The bedroom?
193
00:10:18,852 --> 00:10:21,789
No, that's the downstairs
bathroom and W.C. Suite.
194
00:10:21,822 --> 00:10:23,891
This is the housekeeper,
Mrs. Crockett.
195
00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:26,694
- Clackett, dear.
- She's not really here.
196
00:10:26,727 --> 00:10:28,896
- Only it's the color.
- It's the royal.
197
00:10:28,929 --> 00:10:31,231
- It's black and white at home.
- Don't worry about us.
198
00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:33,133
I'll have the sound on low.
199
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:36,970
- We'll just inspect the house.
- Now I've lost the newspaper.
200
00:10:37,004 --> 00:10:40,073
- Sardines!
- I'm sorry about this.
201
00:10:40,107 --> 00:10:43,176
That's all right. We don't want
the television, do we?
202
00:10:43,210 --> 00:10:45,112
Sardines!
203
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:49,082
I forgot the sardines.
204
00:10:49,116 --> 00:10:51,952
Lloyd! These damn sardines.
205
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:56,023
We gotta do something about
them. We can't go on like this.
206
00:10:56,056 --> 00:10:58,892
- Can't go on like what, Garry?
- It's all right for you.
207
00:10:58,926 --> 00:11:01,995
But we've got to work with these sardines.
We all feel the same, don't we?
208
00:11:02,029 --> 00:11:03,263
- Sorry?
- The sardines.
209
00:11:03,296 --> 00:11:06,466
- What sardines?
- We're working our asses off.
210
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:10,437
And there are four plates of
sardines coming on in act I alone.
211
00:11:10,470 --> 00:11:14,007
You want something instead of
sardines, is that what you're saying?
212
00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:16,009
You want Poppy
to mash up some banana?
213
00:11:16,043 --> 00:11:18,445
We don't want four plates
of mashed banana.
214
00:11:18,478 --> 00:11:20,480
We're changing the sardines.
215
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:24,017
- We're not angry at you.
- No, we think the sardines are lovely.
216
00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:26,486
I'd be perfectly happy
with the sardines if you were.
217
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:28,188
I am if you are, hon.
218
00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:30,991
What exactly are you saying?
219
00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:35,062
Simply this. Here we are
busting our guts, and Christ!
220
00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:38,231
- I see. You got that, Poppy?
- Um, well...
221
00:11:38,265 --> 00:11:41,869
Right and on we go
from Dotty's exit. And Poppy?
222
00:11:41,902 --> 00:11:45,305
- Don't let this happen again.
- Oh, no.
223
00:11:45,338 --> 00:11:47,440
I just thought
we should get that straight.
224
00:11:47,474 --> 00:11:50,878
- As long as Dotty's happy.
- Absolutely happy.
225
00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:52,512
Would you do something for me?
226
00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:54,181
Anything, sweetheart.
227
00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:56,483
Take the sardines off with you.
228
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:01,955
- I'm sorry about this.
- That's all right.
229
00:12:01,989 --> 00:12:04,524
We don't want
the television, do we?
230
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:07,060
She's been in the family
for generations.
231
00:12:07,094 --> 00:12:10,898
Great. Come on, then. I have to
be in basing-stoke by 4:00.
232
00:12:10,931 --> 00:12:13,366
Perhaps we should just
have champagne.
233
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,136
We'll take it up with us.
Don't let my files out of sight.
234
00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:18,105
- No, only...
- What?
235
00:12:18,138 --> 00:12:20,941
She has been in the family
for generations.
236
00:12:20,974 --> 00:12:23,911
Sardines, sardines...
237
00:12:23,944 --> 00:12:28,181
It's not for me to say of
course, dear, only I will.
238
00:12:28,215 --> 00:12:30,550
Take the plunge,
you'll really enjoy it here.
239
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:32,853
- Great.
- Won't she, love?
240
00:12:32,886 --> 00:12:35,122
- Yes.
- And we'll enjoy having you.
241
00:12:35,155 --> 00:12:37,557
- Won't we, love?
- Terrific.
242
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:42,830
Sardines! Can't put your feet up
on an empty stomach, can you?
243
00:12:42,863 --> 00:12:46,499
See? She thinks it's great.
She's even making us sardines.
244
00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:48,468
I think she's terrific.
245
00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:51,438
- Terrific.
- So, which way?
246
00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:54,441
All right, before she comes back
with the sardines.
247
00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:56,543
- Up here?
- Yes.
248
00:12:56,576 --> 00:12:59,412
- In here?
- Yes!
249
00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:03,884
Another bathroom! Always trying
to get me in the bathroom.
250
00:13:03,917 --> 00:13:06,086
- I mean, in here.
- Ooh!
251
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:10,090
- A black sheet.
- That's the linen closet.
252
00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:11,959
This one!
253
00:13:11,992 --> 00:13:13,961
- You're in a real state.
- Come on, then.
254
00:13:13,994 --> 00:13:16,296
You can't even
get the door open.
255
00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:20,467
This is Mrs. Clackett's afternoon off.
We've got the place entirely to ourselves.
256
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,402
Look at it.
257
00:13:23,070 --> 00:13:25,072
Hold it!
258
00:13:26,573 --> 00:13:30,477
And god said, "hold it!"
259
00:13:30,510 --> 00:13:35,983
And they held it, and god saw
that it was terrible.
260
00:13:36,016 --> 00:13:39,619
- Sorry, the door won't open.
- Sorry, this door won't close.
261
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:41,121
And god said, "Poppy!"
262
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:43,156
Am I doing something wrong?
263
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:46,126
- I'm stupid about doors.
- You're doing it perfectly.
264
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:47,861
As long as it wasn't me
that broke it.
265
00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:49,629
And there was Poppy.
266
00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:53,000
And god said,
"be fruitful and multiply.
267
00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:56,636
- "Fetch Tim to fix the doors."
- God, I love tech rehearsals.
268
00:13:56,669 --> 00:14:01,541
She loves tech rehearsals.
Isn't she just... where's Dotty?
269
00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:05,612
- Everyone's always so nice.
- Isn't she... she really is.
270
00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:07,314
Belinda's being all you know.
271
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:10,183
Don't you like
a nice all-night tech rehearsal?
272
00:14:10,217 --> 00:14:13,186
Only thing I like about them is
you get to sit on the furniture.
273
00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:16,189
Freddie, it's so good to see you
cheering up and making jokes.
274
00:14:16,223 --> 00:14:17,891
Was that a joke?
275
00:14:17,925 --> 00:14:21,161
This is such a nice company to
work with. Such a happy company.
276
00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:23,163
Wait till we get to Broadway
in six months.
277
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:25,298
- If.
- Wait till Cleveland in three months.
278
00:14:25,332 --> 00:14:27,667
Lloyd, are you all right?
279
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:31,905
I'm starting to know what god felt like
when he sat in darkness creating the world.
280
00:14:31,939 --> 00:14:33,673
What did he feel like?
281
00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:35,909
Very pleased
he'd taken his valium.
282
00:14:35,943 --> 00:14:39,546
He had six days, of course.
We've only got six hours.
283
00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:44,051
And god said, "where the hell is
Tim?" And there the hell was Tim.
284
00:14:44,084 --> 00:14:48,388
"Let there be doors that open when they
open, and close when they close."
285
00:14:48,421 --> 00:14:50,323
- Do something?
- Doors!
286
00:14:50,357 --> 00:14:53,393
- I was getting bananas for the sardines.
- Doors!
287
00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:56,363
I bet god had a stage manager
who understood english, too.
288
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:59,432
- That door won't close.
- And the bedroom won't...
289
00:14:59,466 --> 00:15:02,569
- Right.
- He hasn't been to bed for 48 hours.
290
00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:07,107
Don't worry, Tim. Only another 24
hours and it'll be the end of the day.
291
00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:10,110
Look, he's come down to earth
amongst us.
292
00:15:10,143 --> 00:15:14,514
Since we've stopped anyway...
It took two days to put the set up.
293
00:15:14,547 --> 00:15:16,950
So we shan't have time
for dress rehearsal.
294
00:15:16,984 --> 00:15:19,119
- What?!
- Don't worry.
295
00:15:19,152 --> 00:15:21,321
Think of the first night
as the dress rehearsal.
296
00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:24,257
If we can just get through
the play once tonight
297
00:15:24,291 --> 00:15:27,327
for doors and sardines,
that's what it's all about.
298
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,096
Doors and sardines.
299
00:15:29,129 --> 00:15:32,732
Getting on, getting off,
getting the sardines on and off.
300
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:38,671
That's farce. That's the theater.
That's life.
301
00:15:38,705 --> 00:15:42,109
God, you're so deep.
302
00:15:42,142 --> 00:15:45,445
So just keep going.
Bang bang bang.
303
00:15:47,347 --> 00:15:49,449
Bang you're on, bang you
said it, bang you're off.
304
00:15:49,482 --> 00:15:52,585
Everything will be perfectly...
Where's Selsdon?
305
00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:56,556
- Oh, god!
- Selsdon?
306
00:15:56,589 --> 00:15:59,759
- I thought he was with you.
- I thought he was round the back with you.
307
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:01,628
Is Mr. Mowbray
in his dressing room?
308
00:16:01,661 --> 00:16:04,297
I don't think he would.
Not during a tech rehearsal.
309
00:16:04,331 --> 00:16:06,266
- Would who?
- We can't find Selsdon.
310
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:09,136
- I'm sure he wouldn't.
- Half a chance, he would.
311
00:16:09,169 --> 00:16:10,603
Would what?
312
00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:13,140
Now come on, people, be fair.
We don't know.
313
00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:16,209
- Don't jump to conclusions.
- Get the understudy ready. Tim?
314
00:16:16,243 --> 00:16:18,778
Hurry up with those doors.
You're going on for Selsdon.
315
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:20,780
Oh. Right.
316
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:25,385
He should never have been let
out of our sight. I said that!
317
00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:27,487
He's been good
all through rehearsal.
318
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:31,158
Because in the rehearsal hall
it was all... know what I mean?
319
00:16:31,191 --> 00:16:33,293
- You could see everyone.
- Here, it's all...
320
00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:35,028
Split in two.
321
00:16:35,062 --> 00:16:37,630
There's a front and a back.
Instantly, we've lost him.
322
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:40,233
- He's not in his dressing room.
- Did you look in the bathroom?
323
00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:43,136
- The prop room, the paint shop?
- Yes.
324
00:16:43,170 --> 00:16:45,472
- You've worked with him before.
- Call the police.
325
00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:49,476
Door finished? Get the gear on.
I'm sorry, my precious.
326
00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:51,511
No, it's my fault, my love.
327
00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:55,448
- I cast him.
- Give him one last chance, I said.
328
00:16:55,482 --> 00:16:58,485
What could I do? We did summer
stock together when I was a kid.
329
00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:01,221
It's my fault.
I should never have left you.
330
00:17:01,254 --> 00:17:03,690
This tour isn't just for her.
This is her life savings.
331
00:17:03,723 --> 00:17:06,659
- We know that.
- I'm not out to make a fortune.
332
00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:08,561
- Of course not.
- We know that.
333
00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:11,264
- I just wanted to put something away.
- We know.
334
00:17:11,298 --> 00:17:14,367
Something to buy a little house.
That's not so much to ask.
335
00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:17,204
- Don't blame yourself.
- Sorry?
336
00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:20,807
- I won't let you cry.
- I've got something behind my lens.
337
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:23,710
You couldn't expect Brooke
to keep an eye on anyone.
338
00:17:23,743 --> 00:17:26,846
He was standing right there
in the orchestra. I saw him.
339
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:28,515
Who are we talking about now?
340
00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:31,118
It's all right,
we know you can't see anything.
341
00:17:31,151 --> 00:17:34,721
Do you mean Selsdon? I'm not
blind, I can see Selsdon.
342
00:17:35,488 --> 00:17:37,390
Selsdon!
343
00:17:37,424 --> 00:17:40,693
- He's been here all the time.
- Standing there like Hamlet's father.
344
00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:43,130
You really surprised us.
We thought you were...
345
00:17:43,163 --> 00:17:45,332
- Not there.
- Where have you been?
346
00:17:45,365 --> 00:17:47,500
- Are you all right?
- Speak to us.
347
00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:51,304
- Is it a party?
- Is it a party?!
348
00:17:51,338 --> 00:17:56,309
How killing. I got it into my head
there was going to be a rehearsal.
349
00:17:56,343 --> 00:17:59,512
I was having a little postprandial
snooze at the side of the stall
350
00:17:59,546 --> 00:18:01,748
so to be ready
for the rehearsal.
351
00:18:01,781 --> 00:18:04,684
- Isn't he lovely?
- Much lovelier now that we can see him.
352
00:18:04,717 --> 00:18:08,455
- What are we celebrating?
- What are we celebrating?!
353
00:18:08,488 --> 00:18:11,758
Tim, you look strained.
You're not trying to do too much, are you?
354
00:18:11,791 --> 00:18:14,561
I can't find the gear.
I've looked all through his wardrobe.
355
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:17,364
- Oh.
- Beer? In the wardrobe?
356
00:18:17,397 --> 00:18:19,566
No, Selsdon.
Tim, you need a break.
357
00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:22,669
Why don't you sit down quietly
upstairs and do the company payroll?
358
00:18:22,702 --> 00:18:24,404
I'll just do the bananas first.
359
00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:26,473
He has been on his feet
for 48 hours.
360
00:18:26,506 --> 00:18:29,709
Don't fall down.
We may not be insured.
361
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:36,449
What's next on the bill?
362
00:18:36,483 --> 00:18:38,918
I thought we might try
a spot of rehearsal.
363
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:40,887
- I won't, thank you.
- You won't?
364
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:43,290
You all go ahead.
I'll just sit and watch.
365
00:18:43,323 --> 00:18:46,926
- It's the beer in the wardrobe?
- No, he wants us to rehearse.
366
00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:49,729
Yes, but we've got
to rehearse, haven't we?
367
00:18:49,762 --> 00:18:52,599
Rehearse, yes, well done.
I knew you'd think of something.
368
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:55,168
Right, from Belinda
and Freddie's entrance.
369
00:18:55,202 --> 00:18:56,636
What's happened now?
370
00:18:56,669 --> 00:18:58,438
- The police.
- The police?
371
00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:01,741
They found an old man lying
unconscious across the street.
372
00:19:01,774 --> 00:19:04,944
- Thank you.
- They say he's very dirty and smelly.
373
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:09,616
I thought, "oh, my god" because
when you get close to Selsdon...
374
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:12,785
No, I mean, if you stand
anywhere near Selsdon,
375
00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:17,557
you can't help noticing
this distinctive...
376
00:19:17,590 --> 00:19:22,962
I'll tell you something. Once you get
it in your nostrils you never forget it.
377
00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:29,302
Sixty years now, and the smell
of the theater still haunts me.
378
00:19:29,336 --> 00:19:31,904
- Bless him.
- Tell me, love.
379
00:19:31,938 --> 00:19:35,342
How did you get a job like this that
requires tact and understanding?
380
00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:37,577
You're not somebody's
girlfriend, are you?
381
00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:40,313
Don't worry,
he truly did not hear.
382
00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:42,482
- Not here?
- Yes, there.
383
00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:44,517
- Sit down, darling.
- Go back to sleep.
384
00:19:44,551 --> 00:19:46,519
You're not on
for another 20 pages.
385
00:19:46,553 --> 00:19:50,257
I might go back to sleep.
I'm not on for another 20 pages.
386
00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:53,460
And on we go. Dotty in the
kitchen, wildly roasting sardines.
387
00:19:53,493 --> 00:19:55,862
Garry and Brooke
ascending the stairs.
388
00:19:55,895 --> 00:19:58,865
Freddie and Belinda
waiting outside the front door.
389
00:19:58,898 --> 00:20:00,967
Time sliding irrevocably
into the past.
390
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:02,669
Aren't they sweet?
391
00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:05,538
- Garry and Dotty. Shh!
- You mean they're...
392
00:20:05,572 --> 00:20:07,507
- It's a secret.
- But she's old enough to be...
393
00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:10,477
- Shh!
- Tramplemain and Mrs. Clackett?
394
00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:12,445
- Didn't you know?
- I'm just god.
395
00:20:12,479 --> 00:20:15,382
The one with the english degree.
I don't know anything.
396
00:20:15,415 --> 00:20:17,617
- What's happening?
- You tell me.
397
00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:19,352
What are we waiting for?
398
00:20:19,386 --> 00:20:21,521
I don't know.
Her 18th birthday?
399
00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:24,791
- What?
- Or maybe just the cue. Brooke!
400
00:20:24,824 --> 00:20:27,294
"You can't even
get the door open."
401
00:20:27,327 --> 00:20:31,664
- You can't even get the door open.
- Door closed, Garry.
402
00:20:35,902 --> 00:20:39,672
You can't even
get the door open.
403
00:20:39,706 --> 00:20:43,776
But this is Mrs. Clackett's afternoon off.
We've got the place entirely to ourselves.
404
00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:45,345
- Look at it.
- Do you like it?
405
00:20:45,378 --> 00:20:47,314
I can't believe it.
406
00:20:47,347 --> 00:20:50,917
- The perfect place for an assignation.
- Home.
407
00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:52,752
Our secret hideaway.
408
00:20:52,785 --> 00:20:54,854
The last place on earth
anyone will look for us.
409
00:20:54,887 --> 00:20:57,757
- Funny creeping in like this.
- It's damn serious.
410
00:20:57,790 --> 00:21:00,627
If inland revenue find out we're
in the country even for one night,
411
00:21:00,660 --> 00:21:04,464
bang goes our claim to be resident abroad.
Bang goes most of this year's income.
412
00:21:04,497 --> 00:21:07,066
- I feel like an illegal immigrant.
- I know what I feel like.
413
00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:09,602
- Champagne?
- I wonder if Mrs. Clackett's aired the beds.
414
00:21:09,636 --> 00:21:11,404
- Darling...!
- Why not?
415
00:21:11,438 --> 00:21:14,741
No children, no friends
dropping in. We're on our own.
416
00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:16,843
True.
417
00:21:16,876 --> 00:21:19,812
There is something to be said
for being a tax exile.
418
00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:21,948
Leave those.
419
00:21:21,981 --> 00:21:23,583
Shh!
420
00:21:23,616 --> 00:21:25,985
- What?
- Inland revenue may hear us.
421
00:21:26,018 --> 00:21:29,589
What I did with that first lot
of sardines, I shall never know.
422
00:21:31,791 --> 00:21:34,427
Mrs. Clackett!
423
00:21:34,461 --> 00:21:36,996
You've given me a turn.
My heart jumped out of me boots.
424
00:21:37,029 --> 00:21:38,931
- So did mine.
- We thought you'd gone.
425
00:21:38,965 --> 00:21:40,433
I thought you was in Spain.
426
00:21:40,467 --> 00:21:42,469
- We are.
- You haven't seen us.
427
00:21:42,502 --> 00:21:44,971
- We're not here.
- Like that, is it?
428
00:21:45,004 --> 00:21:48,541
- The income tax after you?
- They would be if they knew we were here.
429
00:21:48,575 --> 00:21:50,810
All right. You're not here.
I haven't seen you.
430
00:21:50,843 --> 00:21:54,447
Anybody asks for you,
I don't know nothing.
431
00:21:54,481 --> 00:21:57,016
- Off to bed?
- Well...
432
00:21:57,049 --> 00:22:01,020
That's right. Nowhere like bed
when they all get on top of you.
433
00:22:01,053 --> 00:22:02,822
You'll want your things, look.
434
00:22:02,855 --> 00:22:04,557
Yes, thanks.
435
00:22:04,591 --> 00:22:07,794
- That bed hasn't been aired.
- I'll get a hot-water bottle.
436
00:22:07,827 --> 00:22:10,963
I put all your letters
in the study, dear.
437
00:22:10,997 --> 00:22:13,466
What letters? You forward
all the letters, don't you?
438
00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:16,669
Not ones from the income tax.
Don't want to ruin your holiday.
439
00:22:16,703 --> 00:22:19,639
- Oh, my god. Where are they?
- In the little pigeon house.
440
00:22:19,672 --> 00:22:22,141
In your desk, love.
441
00:22:22,174 --> 00:22:26,413
- Yes, but I could hear voices.
- What sort of voices?
442
00:22:26,446 --> 00:22:30,049
- Hold it. What's wrong?
- You know how stupid I am about moves.
443
00:22:30,082 --> 00:22:33,686
Sorry, Garry. Sorry, Brooke.
It's just my usual dimness.
444
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:37,557
Why do I take this into the study?
Wouldn't it be more natural if I left it?
445
00:22:37,590 --> 00:22:39,492
No.
446
00:22:39,526 --> 00:22:40,860
I just thought it might be
more logical.
447
00:22:40,893 --> 00:22:42,562
No.
448
00:22:44,196 --> 00:22:46,699
I know it's late in the day
to go into this, but...
449
00:22:46,733 --> 00:22:49,702
No, we've got several
more minutes before we open.
450
00:22:49,736 --> 00:22:52,405
Thank you. As long as
we're not too rushed..
451
00:22:52,439 --> 00:22:56,042
I've never understood why he carries in
a bag and groceries to look at his mail.
452
00:22:56,075 --> 00:22:58,945
They have to be out of the way
for my next scene.
453
00:22:58,978 --> 00:23:01,748
And Selsdon needs them in the
study for his next scene.
454
00:23:01,781 --> 00:23:04,717
- I see that.
- Selsdon. Is he there?
455
00:23:07,119 --> 00:23:09,822
- Am I on?
- No.
456
00:23:09,856 --> 00:23:11,858
I thought I heard my voice.
457
00:23:11,891 --> 00:23:15,562
Go back to sleep.
You're not on for 10 pages yet.
458
00:23:16,829 --> 00:23:19,165
- I see all that.
- Oh, no.
459
00:23:19,198 --> 00:23:22,034
- I just don't know why I take them.
- Why does anyone do anything?
460
00:23:22,068 --> 00:23:25,705
Why does that other idiot go out
holding two plates of sardines?
461
00:23:25,738 --> 00:23:27,874
I'm not getting at you, love.
462
00:23:27,907 --> 00:23:31,077
Of course not. Why do I?
Jesus, when you think about it, why do I?
463
00:23:31,110 --> 00:23:33,212
- Who knows?
- You see, Freddie..
464
00:23:33,245 --> 00:23:37,216
The wellsprings of human action
are deep and cloudy.
465
00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:41,053
Maybe something happened to you
when you were a very small child
466
00:23:41,087 --> 00:23:44,457
that made you frightened
to let go of groceries.
467
00:23:44,491 --> 00:23:46,593
Or it could be genetic.
468
00:23:46,626 --> 00:23:48,060
Or it could be, you know...
469
00:23:48,094 --> 00:23:50,062
- Could well be.
- Of course, thank you.
470
00:23:50,096 --> 00:23:53,633
- I understand all that.
- I'm telling you, I don't know.
471
00:23:53,666 --> 00:23:55,935
I don't think the author knows.
472
00:23:55,968 --> 00:23:58,771
I don't know why the author
came into this industry.
473
00:23:58,805 --> 00:24:00,907
I don't know why any of us
came into it.
474
00:24:00,940 --> 00:24:04,076
If you could just give me
a reason I could keep in mind...
475
00:24:04,110 --> 00:24:07,046
All right,
I'll give you a reason.
476
00:24:07,079 --> 00:24:09,916
You carry those groceries
into the study
477
00:24:09,949 --> 00:24:12,919
because it's just
slightly after midnight.
478
00:24:12,952 --> 00:24:16,055
And we're not going to be finished
before we open tomorrow night.
479
00:24:16,088 --> 00:24:19,826
Correction.
Before we open tonight!
480
00:24:24,764 --> 00:24:26,132
And on we go.
481
00:24:26,165 --> 00:24:29,235
From after Freddie's exit
with groceries.
482
00:24:29,268 --> 00:24:33,606
Lloyd, calm down. His wife
left him this morning.
483
00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:34,807
Oh.
484
00:24:36,142 --> 00:24:37,977
Freddie.
485
00:24:40,980 --> 00:24:45,117
I think the point is
you had a great fright
486
00:24:45,151 --> 00:24:47,654
when she mentions income tax.
487
00:24:47,687 --> 00:24:50,122
And you felt very insecure
and exposed.
488
00:24:50,156 --> 00:24:54,260
And you wanted something
familiar to hold onto.
489
00:24:55,995 --> 00:24:57,897
Thank you, Lloyd.
490
00:24:59,832 --> 00:25:02,268
- Bless you, darling.
- And on we merrily go.
491
00:25:02,301 --> 00:25:04,904
"Yes, but I could hear voices."
492
00:25:04,937 --> 00:25:07,139
Yes, but I could hear voices.
493
00:25:07,173 --> 00:25:10,142
- What sort of voices?
- People's voices.
494
00:25:10,176 --> 00:25:12,545
- But there's no one here.
- I saw the door handle moving.
495
00:25:12,579 --> 00:25:14,313
Could be someone checking up.
496
00:25:14,346 --> 00:25:17,183
I still don't see why you've got
to put your tie on to look.
497
00:25:17,216 --> 00:25:19,686
Mrs. Clockett!
498
00:25:19,719 --> 00:25:23,289
- She's been in the family for generations.
- She's opened the sardines.
499
00:25:23,322 --> 00:25:25,925
Come back. I'll fetch them.
You can't go down like that.
500
00:25:25,958 --> 00:25:28,628
- Why not?
- Mrs. Crackett!
501
00:25:28,661 --> 00:25:32,999
- She's irreplaceable.
- Sardines here, sardines there.
502
00:25:33,032 --> 00:25:35,001
It's like a
Sunday school outing.
503
00:25:36,202 --> 00:25:38,571
You're still poking around?
504
00:25:38,605 --> 00:25:41,841
- Still poking. Well, still around.
- In the linen closet?
505
00:25:41,874 --> 00:25:43,876
No.
506
00:25:43,910 --> 00:25:47,980
Yes, checking the sheets and pillowcases.
Going through the inventory.
507
00:25:48,014 --> 00:25:50,216
- Mrs. Blackett.
- Clackett, dear.
508
00:25:50,249 --> 00:25:53,185
Is there anyone else
in the house?
509
00:25:53,219 --> 00:25:56,088
- I hadn't seen no one, dear.
- I heard voices.
510
00:25:56,122 --> 00:25:59,792
- There's no voices here, love.
- I must've imagined it.
511
00:25:59,826 --> 00:26:00,860
Oh, my god.
512
00:26:00,893 --> 00:26:02,695
I beg your pardon?
513
00:26:02,729 --> 00:26:05,732
- Oh, my god.
- Why? What is it?
514
00:26:05,765 --> 00:26:08,735
Oh, my god.
The study door's open.
515
00:26:08,768 --> 00:26:11,738
- Oh, my god.
- What?
516
00:26:11,771 --> 00:26:15,574
There's another car outside.
That's not Mr. Hackham's or Mr. Dudley's.
517
00:26:19,178 --> 00:26:22,615
Nothing but flapping doors
in this house.
518
00:26:22,649 --> 00:26:26,619
"Final notice... steps will be taken...
foreclosure... Proceedings in court."
519
00:26:26,653 --> 00:26:29,622
That reminds me. A gentleman
come about the house.
520
00:26:29,656 --> 00:26:32,925
- Don't tell me. I'm not here.
- He says he's got a lady quite aroused.
521
00:26:32,959 --> 00:26:37,263
- Leave all that to the agents.
- Then I'll let them go all over, shall I?
522
00:26:37,296 --> 00:26:40,232
Let them do anything, just don't
tell anyone we're here.
523
00:26:40,266 --> 00:26:42,869
I'll just sit down
and turn on the...
524
00:26:42,902 --> 00:26:45,905
Sardines. I've forgotten
the sardines.
525
00:26:45,938 --> 00:26:49,942
I don't know. If it wasn't fixed to my
shoulders, I'd forget what day it was.
526
00:26:49,976 --> 00:26:54,213
I didn't get this. I'm in Spain.
But if I didn't get it, I didn't open it.
527
00:26:54,246 --> 00:26:56,315
Darling, I never had
a dress like this, did I?
528
00:26:56,348 --> 00:26:58,818
Didn't you?
529
00:26:58,851 --> 00:27:02,088
I shouldn't buy anything this tarty.
It's not something you gave me, is it?
530
00:27:02,121 --> 00:27:04,056
- Never should have touched it.
- It's lovely.
531
00:27:04,090 --> 00:27:07,293
Stick it down and put it back.
Never saw it.
532
00:27:07,326 --> 00:27:11,430
I'll put it in the attic with the other things
you gave me that are too precious to wear.
533
00:27:11,463 --> 00:27:15,902
All right. Now the study door's
open again. What's going on?
534
00:27:15,935 --> 00:27:18,437
Knocking.
535
00:27:18,470 --> 00:27:20,639
Upstairs.
536
00:27:22,208 --> 00:27:25,277
Oh, my god, there's something
in the linen closet.
537
00:27:27,814 --> 00:27:29,782
- It's you.
- Of course it's me.
538
00:27:29,816 --> 00:27:32,785
You put me in there in the dark
with black sheets and things.
539
00:27:32,819 --> 00:27:36,188
- Why did you lock the door?
- Why did you lock the door?
540
00:27:36,222 --> 00:27:38,991
- I didn't lock the door.
- Someone locked the door.
541
00:27:39,025 --> 00:27:40,960
- We can't stand here like this.
- Like what?
542
00:27:40,993 --> 00:27:43,362
- In your underwear.
- OK, I'll take it off.
543
00:27:43,395 --> 00:27:44,797
In here.
544
00:27:44,831 --> 00:27:46,165
- Darling...
- Hold it.
545
00:27:46,198 --> 00:27:49,001
This glue. It's not
that special quick-drying sort?
546
00:27:49,035 --> 00:27:50,937
- Hold it.
- Oh.
547
00:27:50,970 --> 00:27:54,040
- Mrs. Clackett's made sardines.
- Hold it.
548
00:27:54,073 --> 00:27:56,876
- We have a problem.
- Which one is it this time?
549
00:27:56,909 --> 00:27:58,845
- Left.
- It's the left one, everybody.
550
00:27:58,878 --> 00:28:01,180
Left one!
551
00:28:01,213 --> 00:28:04,483
- It could be anywhere.
- Could've gone over the thing then bounced.
552
00:28:04,516 --> 00:28:06,853
Where'd you last see it?
553
00:28:06,886 --> 00:28:09,722
- She didn't. It was in her eye.
- Probably on "why did I lock the door?"
554
00:28:09,756 --> 00:28:13,125
She opens her eyes, very...
I always feel I should rush forward.
555
00:28:13,159 --> 00:28:15,161
Careful where you put your feet.
556
00:28:15,194 --> 00:28:17,463
Everyone look under their feet.
557
00:28:17,496 --> 00:28:20,232
No one move their feet.
558
00:28:20,266 --> 00:28:22,835
Everyone, put your feet back
exactly where they were.
559
00:28:22,869 --> 00:28:25,171
Pick up your feet one at a time.
560
00:28:36,082 --> 00:28:38,885
Brooke, is this going to happen
during the performance?
561
00:28:38,918 --> 00:28:41,253
We don't want the audience
to miss their last buses.
562
00:28:41,287 --> 00:28:43,990
- She'll just keep going, won't you?
- Can she see without them?
563
00:28:44,023 --> 00:28:45,858
- Can she hear without them?
- Sorry?
564
00:28:47,193 --> 00:28:51,063
- Ow!
- You stepped on his hand.
565
00:28:51,097 --> 00:28:53,365
- Look at Freddie, poor thing.
- Excuse me.
566
00:28:53,399 --> 00:28:56,068
- What's the matter?
- He just has a nose bleed.
567
00:28:56,102 --> 00:28:58,370
- No one touched him.
- He has a thing about violence.
568
00:28:58,404 --> 00:29:00,773
- It makes his nose bleed.
- Where's he gone?
569
00:29:00,807 --> 00:29:04,076
- He has a thing about blood.
- I thought you said something to me.
570
00:29:04,110 --> 00:29:06,178
Go and hit the box office
manager with this
571
00:29:06,212 --> 00:29:08,214
and you'll have finished off
live theater in Des Moines.
572
00:29:08,247 --> 00:29:10,216
- Anyway, I found it.
- She's found it.
573
00:29:10,249 --> 00:29:12,051
- Where was it?
- In my eye.
574
00:29:12,084 --> 00:29:14,253
- Her eye?
- Nice going, sweetie.
575
00:29:14,286 --> 00:29:16,989
- Not in your left eye.
- Yes, it had gone around the side.
576
00:29:17,023 --> 00:29:18,390
I knew it hadn't gone far.
577
00:29:18,424 --> 00:29:20,392
- Are you all right?
- I think so.
578
00:29:20,426 --> 00:29:24,096
Clear the stage. Walking wounded,
carry the stretcher cases.
579
00:29:24,130 --> 00:29:25,898
Are you all right?
580
00:29:25,932 --> 00:29:28,267
I just have a thing about...
I won't say the word.
581
00:29:28,300 --> 00:29:31,570
- We all understand, my love.
- On we bloodily stagger.
582
00:29:31,603 --> 00:29:35,107
Sorry, Freddie, I'll rephrase
that. On we blindly stumble.
583
00:29:35,141 --> 00:29:37,977
Brooke, I withdraw that.
From your exit...
584
00:29:38,010 --> 00:29:41,413
Where's Selsdon?
585
00:29:41,447 --> 00:29:44,250
I think she might have dropped
it out here somewhere.
586
00:29:44,283 --> 00:29:47,119
Good, keep looking.
Only another five pages.
587
00:29:49,155 --> 00:29:51,323
"Anyway, we can't stand here
like this."
588
00:29:51,357 --> 00:29:54,226
"Like what?" "In your underwear."
"OK, I'll take it off."
589
00:29:54,260 --> 00:29:55,828
In here.
590
00:29:55,862 --> 00:29:58,064
Darling, this glue.
591
00:29:58,097 --> 00:30:01,367
It's not that special
quick-drying sort, is it?
592
00:30:01,400 --> 00:30:04,536
Oh. Mrs. Clackett's
made us some sardines.
593
00:30:04,570 --> 00:30:08,540
- Now what?
- A hot-water bottle. I didn't put it there.
594
00:30:08,574 --> 00:30:10,276
I didn't put it there.
595
00:30:10,309 --> 00:30:12,611
Someone's in the bathroom
filling water bottles.
596
00:30:12,644 --> 00:30:14,613
Is something creepy going on?
597
00:30:14,646 --> 00:30:16,983
Darling, are you coming to bed
or aren't you?
598
00:30:17,016 --> 00:30:20,452
- What did you say?
- I didn't say anything.
599
00:30:20,486 --> 00:30:22,955
First the door handle,
now the water bottle.
600
00:30:22,989 --> 00:30:24,590
I can feel goose pimples
all over.
601
00:30:24,623 --> 00:30:27,593
- Get something round you.
- Get the covers over our heads.
602
00:30:27,626 --> 00:30:30,496
What did I do with the sardines?
You, wait here.
603
00:30:30,529 --> 00:30:33,132
You hear all sorts of funny
things about these old houses.
604
00:30:33,165 --> 00:30:35,567
This one has been
extensively modernized.
605
00:30:35,601 --> 00:30:38,871
I can't see how anything creepy
would survive central heating.
606
00:30:38,905 --> 00:30:41,140
What? What is it?
607
00:30:41,173 --> 00:30:42,909
What's happening?
608
00:30:42,942 --> 00:30:46,045
The sardines. They've gone!
609
00:30:46,078 --> 00:30:48,380
Perhaps there is
something funny going on.
610
00:30:48,414 --> 00:30:52,351
- I'm going to get into bed.
- I put them there. Or was it there?
611
00:30:52,384 --> 00:30:56,155
I suppose Mrs. Sprockett
must've taken them away again.
612
00:30:56,188 --> 00:30:58,157
- Bag!
- What?
613
00:30:59,992 --> 00:31:01,627
- What is it?
- Bag!
614
00:31:01,660 --> 00:31:03,495
- Bag?
- Bag, bag!
615
00:31:03,529 --> 00:31:06,265
- What do you mean bag, bag?
- Bag, bag, bag!
616
00:31:06,298 --> 00:31:07,900
What bag?
617
00:31:07,934 --> 00:31:09,168
- No bag.
- No bag?
618
00:31:09,201 --> 00:31:11,003
Your bag.
Suddenly here, now gone.
619
00:31:11,037 --> 00:31:14,440
- I put it in the bedroom.
- Don't go in there.
620
00:31:16,108 --> 00:31:18,677
- The box! They've both gone.
- My files!
621
00:31:18,710 --> 00:31:20,679
What's happening?
Where's Mrs. Spratchett?
622
00:31:20,712 --> 00:31:22,681
- Wait in the bedroom.
- No.
623
00:31:22,714 --> 00:31:25,651
- Get dressed, then.
- I am not going in there.
624
00:31:25,684 --> 00:31:28,087
I'll fetch your dress out here.
625
00:31:31,057 --> 00:31:33,059
- Your dress is gone!
- Augghh!
626
00:31:33,993 --> 00:31:35,561
Don't panic.
627
00:31:35,594 --> 00:31:38,965
There's a rational explanation
for all this.
628
00:31:38,998 --> 00:31:42,268
Mrs. Splotchett will tell us
what's happening. You wait here.
629
00:31:42,301 --> 00:31:45,604
You can't stand here looking
like that. Wait in the study.
630
00:31:45,637 --> 00:31:47,606
Study, study!
631
00:31:49,441 --> 00:31:52,244
Roger, there's something
in there. Where are you?
632
00:31:55,247 --> 00:31:57,683
Darling, I know this is
going to sound silly, but...
633
00:31:57,716 --> 00:32:00,352
If we're not going to bed, I'm
going to clear out the attic.
634
00:32:00,386 --> 00:32:02,955
I can't come to bed.
I'm glued to a tax demand.
635
00:32:02,989 --> 00:32:06,592
Why don't you
put the sardines down?
636
00:32:06,625 --> 00:32:09,128
- I'm stuck to the sardines.
- Don't play the fool.
637
00:32:09,161 --> 00:32:11,063
Get that bottle marked poison
in the downstairs loo.
638
00:32:11,097 --> 00:32:12,598
It eats through anything.
639
00:32:12,631 --> 00:32:16,202
I've heard of being stuck with a
problem, but this is ridiculous.
640
00:32:18,237 --> 00:32:20,106
Selsdon.
641
00:32:20,139 --> 00:32:24,476
You're on. We're there.
The moment's arrived.
642
00:32:24,510 --> 00:32:27,113
It's all right, he's coming.
643
00:32:27,146 --> 00:32:30,216
There should be an arm coming through
the window even before Freddie's off.
644
00:32:31,583 --> 00:32:33,419
Ah.
645
00:32:33,452 --> 00:32:35,521
- Here it comes.
- No bars, no burglar alarms.
646
00:32:35,554 --> 00:32:37,589
They ought to be prosecuted
for incitement.
647
00:32:37,623 --> 00:32:39,458
Hold it, let's take it again.
648
00:32:39,491 --> 00:32:41,127
Makes me want to weep.
649
00:32:41,160 --> 00:32:43,595
- Hold it, Selsdon.
- I know they're all in Spain.
650
00:32:43,629 --> 00:32:45,597
The old Turkey
in the kitchen told me so.
651
00:32:45,631 --> 00:32:50,102
- Lloyd wants you to hold it.
- Stop, Selsdon, darling!
652
00:32:50,136 --> 00:32:52,671
Like the band playing on
as the Titanic sank.
653
00:32:52,704 --> 00:32:54,306
- Stop?
- Stop!
654
00:32:54,340 --> 00:32:56,475
Thank you, Belinda.
Thank you, Poppy.
655
00:32:56,508 --> 00:33:00,446
- My dad was nearly on the Titanic.
- He can hear better than I can.
656
00:33:00,479 --> 00:33:02,714
- Beg your pardon?
- From your entrance.
657
00:33:02,748 --> 00:33:05,584
It was before the war,
so crossing the Atlantic...
658
00:33:05,617 --> 00:33:08,754
- Thank you. Poppy!
- Not for me. Stops me sleeping.
659
00:33:08,787 --> 00:33:11,157
- Put the glass back.
- Come on again?
660
00:33:11,190 --> 00:33:15,661
Right, only a shade earlier.
Like yesterday. Freddie!
661
00:33:15,694 --> 00:33:19,765
Start moving as soon as Freddie
opens the door. What's the line?
662
00:33:19,798 --> 00:33:23,169
"I've heard of getting stuck with a
problem, but this is ridiculous."
663
00:33:23,202 --> 00:33:26,605
Start moving when you hear,
"I've heard of getting stuck with a problem.
664
00:33:26,638 --> 00:33:28,774
"But this is ridiculous."
665
00:33:28,807 --> 00:33:32,478
I want your arm
through the window. Right?
666
00:33:32,511 --> 00:33:35,281
Say no more.
May I make just one suggestion?
667
00:33:35,314 --> 00:33:36,748
What's that?
668
00:33:36,782 --> 00:33:39,451
Would it be better
if I came on a little earlier?
669
00:33:39,485 --> 00:33:42,288
Only there does seem to be
something of a hiatus
670
00:33:42,321 --> 00:33:44,623
between Freddie's exit
and my entrance.
671
00:33:44,656 --> 00:33:46,625
No, Selsdon.
672
00:33:46,658 --> 00:33:49,195
Listen.
Don't worry, I've got it.
673
00:33:49,228 --> 00:33:51,630
How about coming on
a little earlier?
674
00:33:51,663 --> 00:33:54,833
Well. We're obviously thinking
along the same lines.
675
00:33:54,866 --> 00:33:57,269
Am I putting him on
or is he putting me on?
676
00:33:57,303 --> 00:34:01,073
Right, from your exit.
677
00:34:01,107 --> 00:34:04,510
I've heard of getting stuck with a
problem, but this is ridiculous.
678
00:34:05,711 --> 00:34:07,813
No bars, no burglar alarms.
679
00:34:07,846 --> 00:34:11,550
They ought to be prosecuted
for incitement.
680
00:34:11,583 --> 00:34:15,521
It makes me want to weep
when I think I used to do banks.
681
00:34:15,554 --> 00:34:18,357
When I remember
I used to do bullion vaults.
682
00:34:18,390 --> 00:34:21,660
What am I doing now?
Breaking into paper bags.
683
00:34:21,693 --> 00:34:25,331
I know they're all in Spain 'cause the
old Turkey in the kitchen told me so.
684
00:34:25,364 --> 00:34:27,866
And I know she's out 'cause I
saw her go through the front door
685
00:34:27,899 --> 00:34:29,535
in her swimming costume.
686
00:34:29,568 --> 00:34:31,670
Where is the front door?
687
00:34:31,703 --> 00:34:35,541
Get the van loaded. No rush.
Only got all flaming afternoon.
688
00:34:35,574 --> 00:34:39,077
What've they got to offer?
One microwave oven.
689
00:34:40,246 --> 00:34:42,548
50 quid, hardly worth
lifting it.
690
00:34:43,582 --> 00:34:44,850
Come here.
691
00:34:44,883 --> 00:34:47,219
Junk, junk, junk.
692
00:34:47,819 --> 00:34:49,788
Well yes, if you insist.
693
00:34:49,821 --> 00:34:53,692
Now, where's his desk?
They all say the same thing.
694
00:34:53,725 --> 00:34:55,694
It's hard to adjust
to retirement.
695
00:34:55,727 --> 00:34:58,430
The prospective tenant
naturally wishes to know
696
00:34:58,464 --> 00:35:02,434
if there's any previous history
of paranormal phenomena.
697
00:35:02,468 --> 00:35:05,571
Yes, dear, everything's all nice
and paranormal here.
698
00:35:05,604 --> 00:35:10,309
Has anything ever dematerialized before?
Has anything ever flown about?
699
00:35:10,342 --> 00:35:12,611
No, the things move
themselves on their own.
700
00:35:12,644 --> 00:35:15,314
See, just like they do
in any house.
701
00:35:15,347 --> 00:35:17,583
I'll tell the
prospective tenant.
702
00:35:17,616 --> 00:35:19,585
She is inspecting the study.
703
00:35:21,920 --> 00:35:23,589
There's a man in there.
704
00:35:23,622 --> 00:35:25,757
- There's no one in the house.
- Look!
705
00:35:25,791 --> 00:35:28,927
- He's searching for something.
- I can't see no one.
706
00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:32,798
You can't him? This is extraordinary.
Where's my prospective tenant?
707
00:35:32,831 --> 00:35:35,934
I left her in there.
My prospective tenant has disappeared.
708
00:35:35,967 --> 00:35:36,835
- My god!
- Now what?
709
00:35:36,868 --> 00:35:38,604
- There.
- Where?
710
00:35:38,637 --> 00:35:40,939
- The sardines.
- You can see them, can you?
711
00:35:40,972 --> 00:35:44,210
I can see them. I can see
the way they're going, too.
712
00:35:44,243 --> 00:35:47,746
I'm not letting them out of my hand.
But where's my prospective tenant?
713
00:35:47,779 --> 00:35:50,582
I can see I'm going to be
opening sardines all night.
714
00:35:50,616 --> 00:35:53,319
Been in and out of there
like a cuckoo on a clock.
715
00:35:53,352 --> 00:35:55,754
- Vicki!
- He said "you're 70 years old."
716
00:35:55,787 --> 00:35:59,525
"Time to hand over the ammonia
bottle to a younger man."
717
00:35:59,558 --> 00:36:01,960
She can't have gone back
into the bedroom.
718
00:36:01,993 --> 00:36:06,498
"I may be 70," I said,
"but I've still got all my wits about me."
719
00:36:07,699 --> 00:36:09,801
He didn't have
an answer to that.
720
00:36:09,835 --> 00:36:11,837
Vicki!
721
00:36:11,870 --> 00:36:15,341
- If he did, I didn't hear it.
- Darling, where are you?
722
00:36:15,374 --> 00:36:18,510
That stuff that eats through
anything doesn't eat through glue.
723
00:36:18,544 --> 00:36:22,514
It just eats through trousers.
You don't think it eats through...
724
00:36:22,548 --> 00:36:25,717
Listen, darling,
I better get these trousers off.
725
00:36:25,751 --> 00:36:30,289
Darling, this is an emergency.
If it eats through absolutely anything...
726
00:36:30,322 --> 00:36:32,991
I feel it. It's eating through
absolutely everything.
727
00:36:33,024 --> 00:36:35,927
- There's something evil here.
- Oh... inland revenue!
728
00:36:35,961 --> 00:36:38,464
- He's back.
- No, I'm not here.
729
00:36:38,497 --> 00:36:39,665
- Oh, my god.
- I'm abroad.
730
00:36:39,698 --> 00:36:41,500
- He's walking abroad.
- I must go.
731
00:36:41,533 --> 00:36:42,968
- Stay!
- I'm not staying.
732
00:36:43,001 --> 00:36:45,971
- Speak!
- Only in the presence of my lawyer.
733
00:36:46,004 --> 00:36:50,409
Hold on, you're just an
intruder. An ordinary intruder.
734
00:36:50,442 --> 00:36:52,678
Nice to meet you.
I mean, have a sardine.
735
00:36:52,711 --> 00:36:55,847
No, you're not. You're some
kind of sex criminal.
736
00:36:55,881 --> 00:36:59,285
You've done something to Vicki.
I'll come down and sort you out.
737
00:36:59,318 --> 00:37:01,553
I see you've got some sardines.
738
00:37:01,587 --> 00:37:03,689
- If there's nothing I can offer you...
- Police!
739
00:37:03,722 --> 00:37:05,957
- ...I'll be running along.
- Come back!
740
00:37:05,991 --> 00:37:08,460
Hello, police? Someone has
broken into my house.
741
00:37:08,494 --> 00:37:10,729
Or rather, broken into
someone's house.
742
00:37:10,762 --> 00:37:13,599
Yes, a sex criminal!
A young woman is missing.
743
00:37:13,632 --> 00:37:16,034
It's in the garden now!
And it's a man.
744
00:37:16,067 --> 00:37:18,704
The young woman has reappeared.
Are you all right?
745
00:37:18,737 --> 00:37:21,673
- No! He almost saw me.
- He almost saw her!
746
00:37:21,707 --> 00:37:24,876
No, but he's a burglar as well.
He's taken our things.
747
00:37:24,910 --> 00:37:27,045
- The things are here.
- They've come back.
748
00:37:27,078 --> 00:37:29,047
We're just missing
a plate of sardines.
749
00:37:29,080 --> 00:37:31,350
- Here are the sardines.
- And we've found the sardines.
750
00:37:31,383 --> 00:37:32,851
- This is the police?
- Yes.
751
00:37:32,884 --> 00:37:34,920
You want the police here?
In my underwear?
752
00:37:34,953 --> 00:37:38,424
So what am I saying? I'm saying,
let's say no more about it.
753
00:37:38,457 --> 00:37:41,026
I thought something terrible
had happened to you.
754
00:37:41,059 --> 00:37:44,563
- It has. I know him.
- You know him?
755
00:37:44,596 --> 00:37:47,065
- He's dealt with by our office.
- He's just a sex criminal.
756
00:37:47,098 --> 00:37:49,000
But he mustn't see me
like this.
757
00:37:49,034 --> 00:37:51,870
You have to keep up standards
if you work for inland revenue.
758
00:37:51,903 --> 00:37:54,573
- Well, put something on!
- I haven't got anything.
759
00:37:54,606 --> 00:37:58,510
There must be something in the
bathroom. Bring the sardines.
760
00:37:58,544 --> 00:38:03,415
I said, "when have I ever needed to run
off in the middle of a job to have a piddle
761
00:38:03,449 --> 00:38:05,951
"except when some stupid berk
starts talking about it?"
762
00:38:05,984 --> 00:38:07,586
Where is it?
763
00:38:07,619 --> 00:38:10,622
Stay in there and don't come out
till you've got dressed.
764
00:38:10,656 --> 00:38:12,958
I can't go around in front
of our taxpayers in this.
765
00:38:12,991 --> 00:38:16,595
I knew I shouldn't have
brought the subject up.
766
00:38:17,629 --> 00:38:19,598
Help! Where are you?
767
00:38:21,099 --> 00:38:23,669
Just put it on.
It's a start at any rate.
768
00:38:23,702 --> 00:38:27,473
I'll find a bottom. I'll find
a top. I'll find something.
769
00:38:30,742 --> 00:38:34,780
There's someone in there.
It's him, it's him!
770
00:38:34,813 --> 00:38:37,983
- Darling, such lovely things.
- Help!
771
00:38:38,016 --> 00:38:42,488
Do you remember this old biscuit tin you
gave me on the first anniversary of...
772
00:38:42,521 --> 00:38:45,457
- Who are you?
- It's his wife and dependent!
773
00:38:45,491 --> 00:38:47,526
I've taken your dress off you.
774
00:38:47,559 --> 00:38:49,795
Where have you been?
I've been going mad.
775
00:38:49,828 --> 00:38:51,630
Look at the state I'm in.
776
00:38:53,999 --> 00:38:57,803
I was just trying to explain to her
about inland revenue being after us,
777
00:38:57,836 --> 00:38:59,938
and my fingers got stuck.
778
00:39:01,172 --> 00:39:02,874
Don't keep waving that
in my face.
779
00:39:02,908 --> 00:39:05,444
I'm trying to find something.
I'll look in the other room.
780
00:39:05,477 --> 00:39:07,846
A pair of gold taps, anyway.
Oh, my god.
781
00:39:07,879 --> 00:39:09,481
- Who are you?
- Doing the taps.
782
00:39:09,515 --> 00:39:10,982
Tax? Income tax?
783
00:39:11,016 --> 00:39:14,653
That's right. In come the new
taps, out go the old taps.
784
00:39:14,686 --> 00:39:18,524
- Tax inspectors everywhere!
- Oh, my god!
785
00:39:18,557 --> 00:39:22,761
Tin boxes flying about. There is
something funny going on here.
786
00:39:22,794 --> 00:39:24,996
Are you dressed yet?
787
00:39:25,030 --> 00:39:28,033
Darling, I've got the dress
stuck to my head now.
788
00:39:28,066 --> 00:39:29,868
- A man!
- I'm just doing the taps.
789
00:39:29,901 --> 00:39:31,837
Attacks? Not attacks on women?!
790
00:39:31,870 --> 00:39:34,172
I'll try anything once, but I'll
do the taps on the bath first.
791
00:39:34,205 --> 00:39:36,408
Sex criminals everywhere.
792
00:39:36,442 --> 00:39:39,478
Where is Vicki?
793
00:39:42,013 --> 00:39:45,150
People everywhere. I'm off.
Tax on women?
794
00:39:45,183 --> 00:39:48,487
I don't know. They'll put a tax
on anything these days.
795
00:39:48,520 --> 00:39:50,689
If I can't find her,
you'll be in trouble, you see.
796
00:39:50,722 --> 00:39:54,025
- W.c.? I'll fix it.
- Vicki!
797
00:40:00,231 --> 00:40:02,701
Augghh!
798
00:40:02,734 --> 00:40:06,505
Sheik! I thought you were
coming at 4:00.
799
00:40:06,538 --> 00:40:08,574
And this is your charming wife.
800
00:40:08,607 --> 00:40:12,578
So, you want to see over
the house now, do you? Right.
801
00:40:12,611 --> 00:40:14,580
Since you're upstairs already...
802
00:40:14,613 --> 00:40:17,148
Him and his floozy! I'll break
this over their heads.
803
00:40:17,182 --> 00:40:20,552
- Let's start downstairs.
- Who are these creatures?
804
00:40:20,586 --> 00:40:22,788
I'm sorry about this.
I don't know who she is.
805
00:40:22,821 --> 00:40:25,991
No connection with the house.
Whereas this lady with the sardines...
806
00:40:26,024 --> 00:40:29,928
No other hands on my sardines.
This time I'm eating them.
807
00:40:29,961 --> 00:40:34,165
...Is fully occupied, so perhaps the toilet
facilities would be of more interest.
808
00:40:34,199 --> 00:40:35,934
Who are these people?
809
00:40:35,967 --> 00:40:38,804
We get 'em all the time, love.
They're just Arab sheiks.
810
00:40:38,837 --> 00:40:41,707
This is the downstairs bathroom
and w.C. Suite.
811
00:40:41,740 --> 00:40:43,909
- Arab sheiks!
- Upstairs we have...
812
00:40:43,942 --> 00:40:46,612
Ballcock, governor.
Your ballcocks have gone.
813
00:40:46,645 --> 00:40:48,480
- We have him.
- They're Irish sheets.
814
00:40:48,514 --> 00:40:51,750
- Irish linen sheets off my own bed.
- The thieving devils!
815
00:40:51,783 --> 00:40:53,919
- In the study, however...
- Give me that!
816
00:40:55,754 --> 00:40:59,124
There she stands in her smalls,
for all the world to see!
817
00:40:59,157 --> 00:41:00,626
- You!
- It's her.
818
00:41:00,659 --> 00:41:02,093
- It's my little girl.
- Dad!
819
00:41:02,127 --> 00:41:05,764
It's my little Vicki that ran away
who I thought I'd never see again.
820
00:41:05,797 --> 00:41:08,066
Would you believe it?
821
00:41:08,099 --> 00:41:11,136
- What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here like that?
822
00:41:11,169 --> 00:41:15,674
Me? I'm taking our files on tax evasion
to inland revenue in basing-stoke.
823
00:41:15,707 --> 00:41:19,110
So where's my other sheet?
824
00:41:19,144 --> 00:41:23,615
Ah! A house of heavenly peace.
I rent it.
825
00:41:23,649 --> 00:41:25,784
- You?!
- Is it?
826
00:41:25,817 --> 00:41:27,919
Sorry, Lloyd, my trousers
are around my ankles.
827
00:41:27,953 --> 00:41:30,288
It's hard doing a quick change
without a dresser.
828
00:41:30,321 --> 00:41:32,791
Get Tim to help you.
829
00:41:32,824 --> 00:41:34,960
Where's Tim?
830
00:41:34,993 --> 00:41:37,796
Come on, Tim. Tim!
831
00:41:37,829 --> 00:41:39,865
- What?
- Oh, yes. You're acting.
832
00:41:39,898 --> 00:41:42,901
- I dozed off down there.
- Never mind.
833
00:41:42,934 --> 00:41:44,836
- Do something?
- No, let it pass.
834
00:41:44,870 --> 00:41:46,972
We'll struggle through
on our own.
835
00:41:47,005 --> 00:41:49,641
Tim has a sleep
behind the sofa
836
00:41:49,675 --> 00:41:52,744
while all the rest of us run around
with our trousers round our ankles.
837
00:41:52,778 --> 00:41:56,648
Freddie, from your entrance,
with trousers round ankles.
838
00:41:56,682 --> 00:42:00,018
"So where's my other sheet?"
839
00:42:00,051 --> 00:42:03,855
- Some other problem, Freddie?
- Since we're stopped anyway...
840
00:42:03,889 --> 00:42:06,858
- Why did I ask?
- You know how stupid I am about plot.
841
00:42:06,892 --> 00:42:09,060
- I know.
- Could I ask another dumb question?
842
00:42:09,094 --> 00:42:13,064
All of my studies in world drama
lie at your disposal.
843
00:42:13,098 --> 00:42:16,301
I don't understand why the sheik
just happens to look like Philip.
844
00:42:16,334 --> 00:42:20,706
Because he comes in and we think he's...
you know. I mean, that's the joke.
845
00:42:20,739 --> 00:42:23,341
- I see that.
- The rest of the plot depends on it.
846
00:42:23,374 --> 00:42:27,345
But it is kind of
a coincidence, isn't it?
847
00:42:27,378 --> 00:42:29,815
It is kind of a coincidence.
848
00:42:29,848 --> 00:42:34,219
Until you reflect that there was
an earlier draft of the play.
849
00:42:34,252 --> 00:42:38,824
Now unfortunately lost to us.
And in this, the author makes it clear
850
00:42:38,857 --> 00:42:43,061
that Philip's father as a young man
traveled extensively in the middle east.
851
00:42:43,094 --> 00:42:45,296
- I see. Ooh, I see!
- You see?
852
00:42:45,330 --> 00:42:47,999
- Very interesting.
- I thought you'd like that.
853
00:42:48,033 --> 00:42:50,836
- But will the audience get it?
- You must show them.
854
00:42:50,869 --> 00:42:53,271
With looks, gestures.
That's what acting's all about.
855
00:42:53,304 --> 00:42:56,074
Yes. Thank you, Lloyd.
856
00:42:56,107 --> 00:42:58,877
Can we just finish the act?
From your entrance.
857
00:42:58,910 --> 00:43:01,212
God, I'm being
so clever out here.
858
00:43:01,246 --> 00:43:04,783
What'll be left when I'm in
New York and you're on your own?
859
00:43:04,816 --> 00:43:08,219
- "So where's my other sheet?"
- So where's my other sheet?
860
00:43:10,055 --> 00:43:15,093
Ah! A house of heavenly peace.
I rent it.
861
00:43:15,126 --> 00:43:16,728
- You?!
- Is it?
862
00:43:16,762 --> 00:43:18,329
Certainly is me. Who else?
863
00:43:18,363 --> 00:43:23,201
You walk in asking to view a house when
you're nothing but a trouserless tramp.
864
00:43:23,234 --> 00:43:27,105
- You take all the clean sheets.
- You snatched my nightdress.
865
00:43:27,138 --> 00:43:30,776
You toss me aside
like a broken China doll.
866
00:43:30,809 --> 00:43:34,212
And what you're up to down in basing-stoke
with my little girl, I won't ask.
867
00:43:34,245 --> 00:43:36,915
But I'll tell you
one thing, Vicki...
868
00:43:36,948 --> 00:43:39,117
- Brooke.
- Sorry.
869
00:43:39,150 --> 00:43:41,920
Your line! We're two lines away
from the end of the act.
870
00:43:41,953 --> 00:43:43,989
I don't understand.
871
00:43:44,022 --> 00:43:45,791
- Give her the line.
- "What's that, dad?"
872
00:43:45,824 --> 00:43:48,660
- But I don't understand.
- It's "what's that, dad?"
873
00:43:48,694 --> 00:43:52,430
I say to you, "I tell you something" and you
say, "what's that, dad?"
874
00:43:52,463 --> 00:43:55,366
I don't understand
why the sheik looks like Philip.
875
00:43:57,435 --> 00:44:00,138
Poppy, bring the book.
876
00:44:01,439 --> 00:44:03,208
Is that the line?
877
00:44:03,241 --> 00:44:05,076
"I don't understand why
the sheik looks like Philip"?
878
00:44:05,110 --> 00:44:08,113
Can we consult the text?
Make absolutely sure?
879
00:44:08,146 --> 00:44:09,447
I think it's...
880
00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:13,151
"What's that, dad?"
Right. That's the line.
881
00:44:13,184 --> 00:44:15,821
We know you've worked in London
in some very classy places
882
00:44:15,854 --> 00:44:19,825
where they let you make the play up as you
go, but we don't want that here.
883
00:44:19,858 --> 00:44:23,962
Not when the author has provided us
with such a polished line of his own.
884
00:44:23,995 --> 00:44:27,733
Not at 1:00 in the morning.
Not two lines away from the end of act I.
885
00:44:27,766 --> 00:44:31,136
Not when we're about to get a coffee
break before we drop dead from exhaustion.
886
00:44:31,169 --> 00:44:34,339
We merely want to hear the line,
"what's that, dad?"!
887
00:44:34,372 --> 00:44:36,975
That's all. Nothing else!
888
00:44:38,343 --> 00:44:40,879
I'm not being
unreasonable, am I?
889
00:44:42,848 --> 00:44:44,950
Exit? Does it say exit?
890
00:44:47,919 --> 00:44:50,155
Oh, my god. She's gonna
wash away her lenses.
891
00:44:52,924 --> 00:44:55,060
- Oh, dear.
- A bit heavy with the Tabasco.
892
00:44:55,093 --> 00:44:56,828
I thought it was going to be
Poppy when he finally...
893
00:44:56,862 --> 00:44:59,330
- It usually is.
- I suppose this is my fault.
894
00:44:59,364 --> 00:45:02,834
- Why pick on, you know?
- I thought it was quite sweet.
895
00:45:02,868 --> 00:45:05,036
- Sweet?!
- A little lovers' quarrel.
896
00:45:05,070 --> 00:45:07,505
- You mean...
- Lloyd and Brooke?
897
00:45:07,538 --> 00:45:11,076
Didn't you know? Where do you
think they've been all weekend?
898
00:45:11,109 --> 00:45:14,179
That's why he didn't realize they
put the whole set up wrong on Sunday.
899
00:45:14,212 --> 00:45:15,513
Shh! Here they come.
900
00:45:15,546 --> 00:45:19,084
OK, all forgotten.
I was irresistible.
901
00:45:19,117 --> 00:45:21,519
- I think I'm going to throw up.
- What?
902
00:45:21,552 --> 00:45:23,822
- Oh, no!
- Oh, god!
903
00:45:24,522 --> 00:45:26,324
- Poppy?
- You pig!
904
00:45:27,558 --> 00:45:29,394
- You mean...
- Her, too?
905
00:45:29,427 --> 00:45:32,864
- That's something I didn't know.
- I think I'm gonna faint.
906
00:45:32,898 --> 00:45:34,900
- Sit down, dear.
- Head between your knees.
907
00:45:34,933 --> 00:45:36,902
That's something
she didn't know.
908
00:45:36,935 --> 00:45:38,870
Two weeks,
that's all we've had.
909
00:45:38,904 --> 00:45:40,371
- What's next?
- Most exciting.
910
00:45:40,405 --> 00:45:42,073
- Shh!
- Here he comes.
911
00:45:42,107 --> 00:45:45,043
- Is she all right?
- She'll be OK in a minute.
912
00:45:45,076 --> 00:45:47,913
- Something she ate, probably.
- This one's feeling, you know.
913
00:45:47,946 --> 00:45:50,215
I'm feeling "you know" myself.
I think I'm going to...
914
00:45:50,248 --> 00:45:51,516
- Faint?
- Or throw up?
915
00:45:51,549 --> 00:45:53,251
Need that coffee break.
916
00:45:53,284 --> 00:45:55,787
You're certainly overdoing it
at the moment, dear.
917
00:45:55,821 --> 00:45:59,891
So can we just have
the last line of the act?
918
00:45:59,925 --> 00:46:02,794
Me? Last line? Right. Ahem!
919
00:46:02,828 --> 00:46:04,229
I'll tell you one thing, Vicki.
920
00:46:04,262 --> 00:46:07,032
What's that, dad?
921
00:46:07,065 --> 00:46:09,300
When all around
is strife and uncertainty,
922
00:46:09,334 --> 00:46:13,338
there's nothing like a good
old-fashioned plate of sardines.
923
00:46:13,371 --> 00:46:15,373
And... curtain!
924
00:46:15,406 --> 00:46:16,942
Oh.
925
00:46:31,222 --> 00:46:35,560
All right, let's reset
for night, act ii.
926
00:46:41,933 --> 00:46:44,135
No, in fact,
they loved it in Des Moines.
927
00:46:44,169 --> 00:46:46,838
At the end of act ii
they laughed.
928
00:46:46,872 --> 00:46:48,439
What's this?
929
00:46:50,108 --> 00:46:52,177
There's only one thing
I'm missing,
930
00:46:52,210 --> 00:46:55,446
and that's a good old-fashioned
plate of sardines.
931
00:46:58,483 --> 00:47:01,953
Yeah, they clapped and clapped
in Des Moines.
932
00:47:01,987 --> 00:47:05,823
Well, they clapped.
Even Selsdon heard them.
933
00:47:07,192 --> 00:47:10,328
But then there was
Decatur, Illinois.
934
00:47:10,361 --> 00:47:12,864
Then there was
Cairo, Missouri.
935
00:47:12,898 --> 00:47:15,633
And Paducah, Kentucky.
936
00:47:15,666 --> 00:47:19,137
OK, I wasn't there when they
had difficulties in Decatur.
937
00:47:19,170 --> 00:47:21,306
I missed out on
the problems in Paducah.
938
00:47:21,339 --> 00:47:23,875
But I couldn't hold their hands
all the time.
939
00:47:23,909 --> 00:47:26,144
How could I be in Decatur
and Paducah
940
00:47:26,177 --> 00:47:29,447
when I was sorting out
Hamlet in Queens?
941
00:47:29,480 --> 00:47:32,350
I caught up with the show
in Miami beach, after all.
942
00:47:32,383 --> 00:47:36,521
I was there with them when they
did that famous matinee.
943
00:47:42,193 --> 00:47:45,330
- Sir, your ticket?
- I'm the director.
944
00:47:45,363 --> 00:47:46,664
- There. OK?
- Oh.
945
00:47:46,697 --> 00:47:48,900
Don't tell anyone.
946
00:48:04,615 --> 00:48:07,252
Act I. Places, please.
947
00:48:07,285 --> 00:48:10,655
Your calls - Miss Otley, Miss Ashton,
Mr. Lejeune, Mr. Dallas, Miss Blair.
948
00:48:10,688 --> 00:48:12,690
Act I. Places, please.
949
00:48:12,723 --> 00:48:15,693
Then maybe act I places
is what we'll get.
950
00:48:15,726 --> 00:48:18,997
- What do you think?
- She'll pull herself together.
951
00:48:19,030 --> 00:48:21,399
Now she knows she's got to be
on stage in five minutes.
952
00:48:21,432 --> 00:48:23,501
- Won't she?
- Will she?
953
00:48:23,534 --> 00:48:26,537
- You know what Dotty's like.
- We've only been on the road for a month.
954
00:48:26,571 --> 00:48:28,706
What's it going to be like
by the time we get to Cleveland?
955
00:48:28,739 --> 00:48:31,542
- If only she'd speak.
- If only she'd unlock the door.
956
00:48:31,576 --> 00:48:37,182
- Look, if Dotty won't go on...
- She will! Won't she?
957
00:48:37,215 --> 00:48:39,484
I'm sure she will,
but if she doesn't...
958
00:48:39,517 --> 00:48:41,219
- She must!
- She will.
959
00:48:41,252 --> 00:48:44,422
- But if she didn't...
- I'd have five minutes to change.
960
00:48:44,455 --> 00:48:47,492
- Four minutes.
- If only she'd say something.
961
00:48:47,525 --> 00:48:51,129
I'll try again. Helps take your
mind off your own problems.
962
00:48:53,064 --> 00:48:55,233
Oh. Uh...
963
00:48:55,266 --> 00:48:56,567
Oops.
964
00:48:56,601 --> 00:48:58,369
Has she gone?
965
00:48:58,403 --> 00:49:01,106
Lloyd! We didn't expect you
till next week.
966
00:49:01,139 --> 00:49:04,209
- I didn't know you were coming.
- I wasn't, I haven't.
967
00:49:04,242 --> 00:49:05,610
- Thank god you're here.
- I'm not.
968
00:49:05,643 --> 00:49:07,712
- Dotty and Garry...
- I don't want anyone to know.
969
00:49:07,745 --> 00:49:10,081
- No. But Dotty and Garry...
- Hide this.
970
00:49:10,115 --> 00:49:12,717
Right. They've had
some kind of fight.
971
00:49:12,750 --> 00:49:14,752
There's a flower stand
at the back.
972
00:49:14,785 --> 00:49:18,589
I want you to buy me some very
large and expensive-looking flowers.
973
00:49:18,623 --> 00:49:21,759
Right. Dotty's locked herself
inside her dressing room.
974
00:49:21,792 --> 00:49:25,330
- And don't let Poppy see.
- She won't speak to anyone.
975
00:49:25,363 --> 00:49:28,733
The matinee ends before 5:00.
The evening show starts at 7:30.
976
00:49:28,766 --> 00:49:32,003
I want two hours alone with Brooke
in her dressing room between shows
977
00:49:32,037 --> 00:49:34,139
and I'm on the 7:25
back to New York.
978
00:49:34,172 --> 00:49:37,708
That's what I'm trying to say.
There may not be a show.
979
00:49:37,742 --> 00:49:40,711
- She's walked out?
- She's locked in her dressing room.
980
00:49:40,745 --> 00:49:42,247
She won't speak to anyone.
981
00:49:42,280 --> 00:49:43,714
- You've called places?
- Yes.
982
00:49:43,748 --> 00:49:46,584
I can't do it in five minutes.
It's not possible.
983
00:49:46,617 --> 00:49:49,120
- She's split with Garry before.
- Brooke split with Garry?
984
00:49:49,154 --> 00:49:51,356
- Not Brooke, Dotty!
- Oh, Dotty.
985
00:49:51,389 --> 00:49:54,292
There was the famous breakup
week before last in Pittsburgh.
986
00:49:54,325 --> 00:49:56,427
- You told me.
- She went out with a reporter.
987
00:49:56,461 --> 00:49:58,496
Garry threatened to kill him.
988
00:49:58,529 --> 00:50:01,532
Listen, don't worry about Dotty.
She's got money in the show.
989
00:50:01,566 --> 00:50:06,071
Last night it happened again.
At 2 a.m. I'm woken up by Garry.
990
00:50:06,104 --> 00:50:08,039
Do I know where Dotty is?
991
00:50:08,073 --> 00:50:10,341
Let me tell you about my life
in the big apple.
992
00:50:10,375 --> 00:50:13,678
I have Hamlet's ghost on the phone
for an hour after every rehearsal
993
00:50:13,711 --> 00:50:16,347
complaining that Polonius is sucking
sour balls through his speeches,
994
00:50:16,381 --> 00:50:19,084
Claudius is off every afternoon
doing a soap,
995
00:50:19,117 --> 00:50:22,153
and Gertrude is off the entire week
doing a commercial for Gallo wine.
996
00:50:22,187 --> 00:50:26,291
Hamlet himself, would you believe,
has come down with a psychological problem.
997
00:50:26,324 --> 00:50:29,627
Then last night Brooke rings me
to say she's unhappy here.
998
00:50:29,660 --> 00:50:32,330
She's got a doctor's certificate
for nervous exhaustion.
999
00:50:32,363 --> 00:50:34,632
I haven't got the time to find
and rehearse a new Vicki.
1000
00:50:34,665 --> 00:50:37,335
I have just one afternoon,
while Hamlet sees his shrink
1001
00:50:37,368 --> 00:50:39,404
and Ophelia starts
divorce proceedings,
1002
00:50:39,437 --> 00:50:41,306
to cure Brooke
of her nervous exhaustion.
1003
00:50:41,339 --> 00:50:44,242
With no medical aids except
whiskey, you've got that;
1004
00:50:44,275 --> 00:50:48,746
flowers, you've got money for the flowers;
And a certain fading bedside manner.
1005
00:50:48,779 --> 00:50:51,516
So I haven't come here to hear
about other people's problems.
1006
00:50:51,549 --> 00:50:53,218
I've come to be
taken out of myself.
1007
00:50:53,251 --> 00:50:55,420
And preferably,
not put back again.
1008
00:50:55,453 --> 00:50:58,189
- But Lloyd...
- Have you done the front-of-house calls?
1009
00:50:58,223 --> 00:50:59,824
Front-of-house calls.
1010
00:50:59,857 --> 00:51:02,360
And don't let Poppy
see those flowers.
1011
00:51:08,266 --> 00:51:10,535
Ladies and gentleman, will you
please take your seats?
1012
00:51:10,568 --> 00:51:13,538
The curtain will rise
in three minutes.
1013
00:51:15,373 --> 00:51:16,874
We're going to be so late
going up.
1014
00:51:16,907 --> 00:51:19,110
- No luck?
- Belinda's having a shot.
1015
00:51:19,144 --> 00:51:21,579
I haven't even started
the front-of-house calls.
1016
00:51:21,612 --> 00:51:23,481
Money? Is that for me?
1017
00:51:23,514 --> 00:51:25,383
- No.
- Whiskey.
1018
00:51:25,416 --> 00:51:27,552
- Is it?
- Where'd you find that?
1019
00:51:27,585 --> 00:51:30,255
Not up here. Oh, my god,
he's hiding it up here now.
1020
00:51:30,288 --> 00:51:33,558
I'll put it downstairs
where he can't find it.
1021
00:51:33,591 --> 00:51:35,560
- Can you believe it?
- No.
1022
00:51:35,593 --> 00:51:38,263
You know what Dotty's like.
Freddie's trying. Oh, my god.
1023
00:51:38,296 --> 00:51:40,331
He's hiding 'em here now. No?
1024
00:51:40,365 --> 00:51:42,567
- No.
- You didn't try for very long.
1025
00:51:42,600 --> 00:51:44,902
- Well... oh, dear.
- He's hiding them up here now.
1026
00:51:44,935 --> 00:51:47,405
Garry came rushing out
all fired up.
1027
00:51:47,438 --> 00:51:49,274
I couldn't understand
what he was saying,
1028
00:51:49,307 --> 00:51:52,643
but I often feel with Garry
I must have missed something.
1029
00:51:52,677 --> 00:51:54,745
But I think he was saying
he wanted to kill me.
1030
00:51:54,779 --> 00:51:58,149
- You poor thing.
- I thought I'd leave him alone.
1031
00:51:58,183 --> 00:52:01,219
- He's all right, isn't he?
- Anything but, by the sound of it.
1032
00:52:01,252 --> 00:52:04,522
- He's going on?
- Of course Garry's going on.
1033
00:52:04,555 --> 00:52:05,756
What's all this about Garry?
1034
00:52:05,790 --> 00:52:08,759
If you have to go on for Garry,
Poppy can't go on for Dotty.
1035
00:52:08,793 --> 00:52:11,562
If she does, you'll have
to be on the prompt book.
1036
00:52:11,596 --> 00:52:13,731
- Money. Is that for us?
- No, that's for...
1037
00:52:13,764 --> 00:52:15,466
Oh, my god.
1038
00:52:16,634 --> 00:52:18,936
She's such a funny woman.
1039
00:52:18,969 --> 00:52:22,373
She's so up and down.
She was perfectly all right last night.
1040
00:52:22,407 --> 00:52:23,941
Last night?
1041
00:52:23,974 --> 00:52:26,711
She took me out for a drink
after the show to some pub.
1042
00:52:26,744 --> 00:52:29,580
She was with you?
You were with her?
1043
00:52:29,614 --> 00:52:32,283
She was very sympathetic
about all my troubles.
1044
00:52:32,317 --> 00:52:35,486
- I won't let her sink her teeth into you.
- She couldn't have been nicer.
1045
00:52:35,520 --> 00:52:37,488
She came back to my room
for coffee.
1046
00:52:37,522 --> 00:52:40,491
Told me about her troubles.
We sat there till 3:00 a.m.
1047
00:52:40,525 --> 00:52:43,294
I don't know what the guy
from room service thought.
1048
00:52:43,328 --> 00:52:44,962
- And another thing.
- Nothing else.
1049
00:52:44,995 --> 00:52:49,200
- Where's Selsdon?
- Freddie's the cause of all this. Selsdon?
1050
00:52:49,234 --> 00:52:52,370
He's not in his dressing room.
The front-of-house calls!
1051
00:52:52,403 --> 00:52:54,439
You do them.
I'll go get Selsdon.
1052
00:52:54,472 --> 00:52:56,807
- What should I do?
- Absolutely nothing at all.
1053
00:52:56,841 --> 00:52:59,677
You've done quite enough
already - darling.
1054
00:52:59,710 --> 00:53:01,846
Ladies and gentleman,
please take your seats.
1055
00:53:01,879 --> 00:53:04,515
The curtain will rise
in three minutes.
1056
00:53:12,590 --> 00:53:16,494
- He wants to kill someone?
- Selsdon wants to kill someone?
1057
00:53:16,527 --> 00:53:17,828
Garry. Selsdon?
1058
00:53:17,862 --> 00:53:19,597
- We've lost him!
- Oh, my god.
1059
00:53:19,630 --> 00:53:22,300
- Flowers!
- Well, they're...
1060
00:53:22,333 --> 00:53:26,337
- That's really sweet of you.
- Oh, well...
1061
00:53:26,371 --> 00:53:28,239
- Isn't that sweet of him?
- Very charming.
1062
00:53:28,273 --> 00:53:30,308
I'll go look in the bar.
Hold these.
1063
00:53:30,341 --> 00:53:31,809
I'll take those.
1064
00:53:31,842 --> 00:53:33,678
Front-of-house calls.
Hold these.
1065
00:53:33,711 --> 00:53:35,513
Poppy's already done them.
1066
00:53:35,546 --> 00:53:38,583
She gave 'em two minutes?
I'll give them one.
1067
00:53:38,616 --> 00:53:41,252
Ladies and gentleman, will you
please take your seats?
1068
00:53:41,286 --> 00:53:43,854
The curtain will rise
in one minute.
1069
00:53:46,791 --> 00:53:49,894
- I think she said three minutes.
- I said three minutes. She did?
1070
00:53:49,927 --> 00:53:51,696
- I think so.
- Hold these.
1071
00:53:54,732 --> 00:53:57,335
Ladies and gentleman,
please take your seats.
1072
00:53:57,368 --> 00:54:00,237
The curtain will rise
in two minutes.
1073
00:54:02,940 --> 00:54:05,676
- Any luck?
- No, but I found this.
1074
00:54:05,710 --> 00:54:08,045
It was hidden
behind the fire extinguisher.
1075
00:54:08,078 --> 00:54:09,714
- Not a good sign.
- I'll take it.
1076
00:54:09,747 --> 00:54:12,249
Put it somewhere
out of sight, sweetie.
1077
00:54:13,418 --> 00:54:16,554
He's...
Not in the bar.
1078
00:54:16,587 --> 00:54:18,389
- Did you check the green room?
- Yes.
1079
00:54:18,423 --> 00:54:20,691
- I'll check again.
- Now what?
1080
00:54:20,725 --> 00:54:24,662
Please take your seats.
The curtain will rise in two minutes.
1081
00:54:24,695 --> 00:54:27,064
- Tim already said two minutes.
- He has?
1082
00:54:27,097 --> 00:54:31,702
Please take your seats.
The curtain will rise in one minute.
1083
00:54:31,736 --> 00:54:34,805
- What the fuck is going on?
- Lloyd!
1084
00:54:34,839 --> 00:54:38,443
- I didn't know you were here.
- I'm not. I'm in New York.
1085
00:54:38,476 --> 00:54:42,046
But I can't sit there and listen to two
minutes, one minute, three minutes.
1086
00:54:42,079 --> 00:54:45,916
- We're having dramas back here.
- We're having dramas out there.
1087
00:54:45,950 --> 00:54:48,486
This is a matinee. There are
senior citizens out there.
1088
00:54:48,519 --> 00:54:51,922
The curtain will rise in three
minutes, we all start for the gents.
1089
00:54:51,956 --> 00:54:55,793
In one minute, we all start running out again.
We don't know which way to go.
1090
00:54:55,826 --> 00:54:58,496
- I've got to talk with you.
- Just tell me one thing.
1091
00:54:58,529 --> 00:55:00,064
- I tried calling you.
- Is Brooke going on?
1092
00:55:00,097 --> 00:55:02,767
Is Brooke going on?! Brooke!
1093
00:55:02,800 --> 00:55:04,635
- You're going on, aren't you?
- Sorry?
1094
00:55:04,669 --> 00:55:06,471
- Are you all right?
- Am I all right?
1095
00:55:06,504 --> 00:55:08,773
- Sounds like her usual self.
- Lloyd!
1096
00:55:10,508 --> 00:55:11,976
- What's this?
- Another one?
1097
00:55:12,009 --> 00:55:14,445
- I was lying on the floor.
- Lying on the floor?!
1098
00:55:14,479 --> 00:55:16,681
- For her relaxation.
- Oh, yes.
1099
00:55:16,714 --> 00:55:20,117
- I saw it behind the radiator.
- He's hiding them everywhere.
1100
00:55:20,150 --> 00:55:22,953
- I'll put it where he won't find it.
- In Brooke's dressing room.
1101
00:55:22,987 --> 00:55:24,555
What's this?
1102
00:55:24,589 --> 00:55:26,457
Sorry.
1103
00:55:26,491 --> 00:55:29,126
- Tim bought them for me.
- For you?
1104
00:55:29,159 --> 00:55:32,463
- I have something to tell you.
- I've heard everything I want to hear.
1105
00:55:32,497 --> 00:55:33,664
- What about Dotty?
- No!
1106
00:55:33,698 --> 00:55:34,665
- And Garry?
- No!
1107
00:55:34,699 --> 00:55:36,367
What about Selsdon?
1108
00:55:36,401 --> 00:55:39,504
This show is beyond
the help of any director.
1109
00:55:39,537 --> 00:55:42,873
I'll sit out there in the dark with
a bag of gummy bears and enjoy it.
1110
00:55:42,907 --> 00:55:46,844
One minute was the last call,
if your memory goes back that far.
1111
00:55:49,547 --> 00:55:51,949
- Is she all right?
- It's her way of relaxing.
1112
00:55:51,982 --> 00:55:55,019
- You're all right?
- I couldn't concentrate back there.
1113
00:55:55,052 --> 00:55:58,623
- Everyone was running around.
- It's her breathing. You see?
1114
00:55:58,656 --> 00:56:01,058
You don't have to go on
if you're not up to it.
1115
00:56:01,091 --> 00:56:05,162
It's only a matinee. I'm sure Poppy
would love to try her hand at your part.
1116
00:56:05,195 --> 00:56:07,131
I'll see what's happening
with Dotty.
1117
00:56:07,164 --> 00:56:09,467
Freddie, my darling dear!
1118
00:56:09,500 --> 00:56:11,702
- Did I say something wrong?
- Where's Tim?
1119
00:56:11,736 --> 00:56:14,972
Where have you been? We've been
looking for you everywhere.
1120
00:56:15,005 --> 00:56:18,776
In front, the manager's office,
the bar, not a sign of him.
1121
00:56:18,809 --> 00:56:20,811
He's been looking for you
back there.
1122
00:56:20,845 --> 00:56:24,915
Great shindig going on.
I thought Tim ought to know.
1123
00:56:24,949 --> 00:56:28,919
- I think he's heard.
- He really went for her.
1124
00:56:28,953 --> 00:56:31,589
"I know when you've got your
eye on someone," he says.
1125
00:56:31,622 --> 00:56:34,492
"I've seen the way
you're looking at Freddie."
1126
00:56:34,525 --> 00:56:36,561
- Me?
- Yes, darling.
1127
00:56:36,594 --> 00:56:39,163
- You sure he said Freddie?
- May have been Teddie.
1128
00:56:39,196 --> 00:56:40,898
One of the two. Anyway...
1129
00:56:40,931 --> 00:56:42,967
- I think they're coming.
- They're coming?!
1130
00:56:43,000 --> 00:56:45,202
- I knew they wouldn't.
- And you're here.
1131
00:56:45,235 --> 00:56:47,738
- Yes, every word.
- Right.
1132
00:56:51,776 --> 00:56:54,812
Ladies and gentleman, will you
please take your seats?
1133
00:56:54,845 --> 00:56:57,448
The performance
is about to begin.
1134
00:56:57,482 --> 00:56:59,584
- They're coming.
- We found Selsdon.
1135
00:56:59,617 --> 00:57:01,619
- How did you get here?
- How did she take it?
1136
00:57:01,652 --> 00:57:03,754
In one word - amiss, that's how.
1137
00:57:06,123 --> 00:57:08,893
Ladies and gentleman,
please take your seats.
1138
00:57:08,926 --> 00:57:11,762
- I've done it!
- The performance is...
1139
00:57:11,796 --> 00:57:13,864
Poor Lloyd, he'll choke
on his gummy bears.
1140
00:57:13,898 --> 00:57:16,100
Garry!
1141
00:57:16,133 --> 00:57:19,770
Try to give a fellow a leg up...
Or she may have said a leg over.
1142
00:57:19,804 --> 00:57:22,106
- What? Oh, there he is.
- Are you all right?
1143
00:57:23,774 --> 00:57:26,210
- What's he say?
- He's not saying anything.
1144
00:57:26,243 --> 00:57:28,646
Very sensible.
Only stir it up again.
1145
00:57:28,679 --> 00:57:30,881
"I know when you've got your
claws into someone," he said.
1146
00:57:30,915 --> 00:57:33,618
"And you've got them into
poor old Freddie."
1147
00:57:33,651 --> 00:57:35,620
- Are you all right?
- Is she all right?
1148
00:57:35,653 --> 00:57:37,755
She's fine.
1149
00:57:37,788 --> 00:57:39,557
All right, everyone?
1150
00:57:39,590 --> 00:57:41,926
- Teddie or Freddie, one of the two.
- Hush, dear.
1151
00:57:41,959 --> 00:57:43,460
Places, please.
1152
00:57:45,596 --> 00:57:47,798
Look, Garry, Dotty...
1153
00:57:47,832 --> 00:57:50,835
I'm not going to make a big speech,
but we've all got to give a performance.
1154
00:57:52,269 --> 00:57:55,640
- And...
- We can't do it in silence.
1155
00:57:55,673 --> 00:57:57,074
We're gonna have to
speak to each other.
1156
00:57:58,242 --> 00:58:00,210
What's the house like?
1157
00:58:00,244 --> 00:58:02,580
- That's the spirit!
- Well done.
1158
00:58:02,613 --> 00:58:04,849
It's quite good.
For a matinee.
1159
00:58:04,882 --> 00:58:07,852
There's quite a crowd at the front
of the back of the orchestra.
1160
00:58:07,885 --> 00:58:11,989
Come on, girl, get the taps up.
Some of the seniors haven't got long to go.
1161
00:58:12,022 --> 00:58:13,824
Quiet then, please.
1162
00:58:15,593 --> 00:58:18,228
Preset, please.
Quiet on stage.
1163
00:58:18,262 --> 00:58:21,766
Stand by. Curtain up. Act I.
1164
00:58:21,799 --> 00:58:23,868
- Now what?
- We're just going up.
1165
00:58:23,901 --> 00:58:26,904
We've been out there an hour.
They think someone's died.
1166
00:58:26,937 --> 00:58:29,807
It's my fault.
I was saying a few words.
1167
00:58:29,840 --> 00:58:31,776
Ever thought of having
a brain transplant?
1168
00:58:31,809 --> 00:58:33,844
Sorry, wrong moment.
1169
00:58:33,878 --> 00:58:36,246
Anybody else have any thoughts
they must communicate?
1170
00:58:36,280 --> 00:58:38,849
Not right now. I mean, later.
1171
00:58:38,883 --> 00:58:40,885
And you bought these flowers
for Poppy?
1172
00:58:40,918 --> 00:58:43,688
- No. Well, yes.
- You didn't buy any for me?
1173
00:58:43,721 --> 00:58:47,324
- Ever heard of a jealous rage?
- Yes. Well...
1174
00:58:47,357 --> 00:58:49,326
Then take $10 of
your own money,
1175
00:58:49,359 --> 00:58:52,162
go to the flower stand and
buy some flowers for me.
1176
00:58:52,196 --> 00:58:55,700
Gave Poppy the flowers. You two
could have Freddie's old brain.
1177
00:58:55,733 --> 00:58:57,835
You could have half each.
1178
00:58:58,869 --> 00:59:00,337
Oh, dear.
1179
00:59:00,370 --> 00:59:04,174
- Don't cry.
- Get the old bus on the road.
1180
00:59:04,208 --> 00:59:09,013
Act I. In music.
Summer noises.
1181
00:59:09,046 --> 00:59:11,015
House lights go.
1182
00:59:15,285 --> 00:59:17,287
Coming!
1183
00:59:17,321 --> 00:59:20,157
Lord love a duck.
1184
00:59:20,190 --> 00:59:22,727
I'm coming!
1185
00:59:23,861 --> 00:59:25,896
Shut up, I'm coming.
1186
00:59:26,897 --> 00:59:28,565
Hold on.
1187
00:59:31,902 --> 00:59:37,708
I can't open sardines and answer the
phone, I've only one pair of hands.
1188
00:59:37,742 --> 00:59:41,178
Hello? Yes, but there's
no one here, love.
1189
00:59:41,211 --> 00:59:43,614
No, Mr. Brent's not here.
1190
00:59:43,648 --> 00:59:46,984
He lives here, yes, but he don't live here
now, because he lives in Spain.
1191
00:59:47,017 --> 00:59:50,387
Mr. Philip Brent,
the one that writes the plays.
1192
00:59:50,420 --> 00:59:52,823
That's him, only now
he writes them in Spain.
1193
00:59:52,857 --> 00:59:56,060
No, she's in Spain, too.
1194
00:59:56,093 --> 00:59:58,763
They're all in Spain.
There's no one here.
1195
00:59:58,796 --> 01:00:02,266
Am I in Spain?
I'm not in Spain, dear.
1196
01:00:02,299 --> 01:00:06,637
I look after the house for them.
Only I go home at 1:00 on Wednesdays.
1197
01:00:06,671 --> 01:00:08,405
So that's where I am.
1198
01:00:08,438 --> 01:00:11,976
No, because I've got a nice plate
of sardines to put my feet up with.
1199
01:00:12,009 --> 01:00:16,413
They've got color here and it's the royal.
What is it? The horse race.
1200
01:00:16,446 --> 01:00:19,884
If it's to do with letting the
house, then ring the house agents
1201
01:00:19,917 --> 01:00:21,919
'cause they're the agents
for the house.
1202
01:00:21,952 --> 01:00:25,690
Squire, squire, hack ham
and who's the other one?
1203
01:00:27,725 --> 01:00:29,727
- Augghh!
- Shh!
1204
01:00:33,330 --> 01:00:36,967
Soon as you take the weight off your
feet, down it all comes on your head.
1205
01:00:38,468 --> 01:00:41,071
My housekeeper, yes,
but this is her afternoon off.
1206
01:00:41,105 --> 01:00:44,241
So we've got the place
entirely to ourselves.
1207
01:00:44,274 --> 01:00:45,976
Wow!
1208
01:00:46,010 --> 01:00:51,081
I'll just check.
Hello? Anyone at home?
1209
01:00:52,850 --> 01:00:55,419
No, there's no one here.
So what do you think?
1210
01:00:55,452 --> 01:00:57,454
- All these doors.
- Just a handful really.
1211
01:00:57,487 --> 01:00:59,990
Study, kitchen,
1212
01:01:00,024 --> 01:01:02,059
and a self-contained service
flat for the housekeeper.
1213
01:01:02,092 --> 01:01:04,829
- Terrific! Which one's the...
- The what?
1214
01:01:04,862 --> 01:01:06,864
- Oh. Through here.
- Fantastic!
1215
01:01:07,464 --> 01:01:09,666
No! I've lost the...
1216
01:01:10,467 --> 01:01:12,669
I've lost the sardines!
1217
01:01:16,040 --> 01:01:18,108
I'm sorry, I thought
there was no one here.
1218
01:01:18,142 --> 01:01:20,945
I'm not here.
I'm off, only it's the royal.
1219
01:01:20,978 --> 01:01:24,014
The horse race, where they wear
those hats covered in fruit.
1220
01:01:24,048 --> 01:01:27,952
I'm from the agents. I dropped
in to check some measurements.
1221
01:01:27,985 --> 01:01:29,987
Do one or two odd jobs.
1222
01:01:30,020 --> 01:01:32,723
And I'm showing a prospective
tenant over the house.
1223
01:01:32,757 --> 01:01:34,491
What's wrong with this door?
1224
01:01:34,524 --> 01:01:37,494
She's thinking of renting it.
Her interest is definitely roused.
1225
01:01:37,527 --> 01:01:41,165
- The bedroom?
- No, that's the downstairs bathroom.
1226
01:01:41,198 --> 01:01:44,168
- This is the housekeeper, Mrs. Crockett.
- Clackett, dear.
1227
01:01:44,201 --> 01:01:46,170
Only now I've lost
the newspaper.
1228
01:01:46,203 --> 01:01:48,873
- I'm sorry.
- That's all right.
1229
01:01:48,906 --> 01:01:51,208
She's been in the family
for generations.
1230
01:01:51,241 --> 01:01:53,377
Come on. I've got to be
in basing-stoke by 4:00.
1231
01:01:53,410 --> 01:01:56,146
- We should just have champagne.
- We'll take it up with us. Bring my files.
1232
01:01:56,180 --> 01:01:58,015
What?
1233
01:01:58,048 --> 01:02:00,117
She has been in the family
for generations.
1234
01:02:00,150 --> 01:02:03,453
Sardines! Sardines!
1235
01:02:03,487 --> 01:02:09,059
It's not for me to say. Only I will.
Don't think twice about it.
1236
01:02:09,093 --> 01:02:11,161
Take the plunge.
You'll really enjoy it here.
1237
01:02:11,195 --> 01:02:12,763
- Great.
- Won't she?
1238
01:02:12,797 --> 01:02:14,832
- Well, yes.
- We'll enjoy having you.
1239
01:02:14,865 --> 01:02:17,201
- Terrific.
- Sardines.
1240
01:02:17,234 --> 01:02:19,303
Can't put your feet up
on an empty stomach.
1241
01:02:19,336 --> 01:02:22,172
She thinks it's great.
She's even making us sardines.
1242
01:02:22,206 --> 01:02:24,875
I think she's terrific.
Which way?
1243
01:02:24,909 --> 01:02:27,377
Before she comes back
with the sardines.
1244
01:02:27,411 --> 01:02:29,146
- In here?
- Yes!
1245
01:02:29,179 --> 01:02:32,049
- It's another bathroom.
- No!
1246
01:02:32,082 --> 01:02:33,350
You're always trying
to get me in the bathroom.
1247
01:02:33,383 --> 01:02:35,552
I mean, in here.
1248
01:02:35,585 --> 01:02:38,255
Ooh! Black sheets.
1249
01:02:38,288 --> 01:02:39,990
That's the linen closet.
1250
01:02:41,291 --> 01:02:42,893
This one!
1251
01:02:42,927 --> 01:02:44,428
- You're in a real state.
- Come on.
1252
01:02:44,461 --> 01:02:46,864
You can't even
get the door open.
1253
01:02:46,897 --> 01:02:50,234
Yes, but this is
Mrs. Clackett's afternoon off.
1254
01:02:50,267 --> 01:02:52,502
We've got the place
entirely to ourselves.
1255
01:02:52,536 --> 01:02:54,404
- Look at it!
- Do you like it?
1256
01:02:55,605 --> 01:02:57,574
I can't believe it.
1257
01:02:57,607 --> 01:03:00,244
- The perfect place for an assignation.
- Home. Our secret hideaway.
1258
01:03:00,277 --> 01:03:02,346
The last place on earth
anyone will look for us.
1259
01:03:02,379 --> 01:03:04,381
I wonder if Mrs. Clackett's
aired the beds.
1260
01:03:04,414 --> 01:03:05,983
- Darling...!
- Why not?
1261
01:03:06,016 --> 01:03:09,453
No children, no friends
dropping in. We're on our own.
1262
01:03:09,486 --> 01:03:12,957
True. There is something to be
said for being a tax exile.
1263
01:03:12,990 --> 01:03:14,558
Leave those.
1264
01:03:14,591 --> 01:03:17,027
Shh!
1265
01:03:17,061 --> 01:03:19,563
- What?
- Inland revenue may hear us.
1266
01:03:19,596 --> 01:03:23,901
What I did with that first lot
of sardines, I shall never know.
1267
01:03:23,934 --> 01:03:26,136
Mrs. Clackett!
1268
01:03:26,170 --> 01:03:28,906
You gave me a turn.
My heart jumped out of my boots.
1269
01:03:28,939 --> 01:03:31,008
- We thought you'd gone.
- I thought you was in Spain.
1270
01:03:31,041 --> 01:03:32,576
- We are.
- You haven't seen us.
1271
01:03:32,609 --> 01:03:35,112
All right, you're not here.
I haven't seen you.
1272
01:03:35,145 --> 01:03:37,247
Anybody asks for you,
I don't know nothing.
1273
01:03:37,281 --> 01:03:39,283
- Off to bed?
- Well...
1274
01:03:39,316 --> 01:03:42,386
Nowhere like bed when
they all get on top of you.
1275
01:03:42,419 --> 01:03:44,154
You'll want your things.
1276
01:03:44,188 --> 01:03:48,125
- That bed hasn't been aired.
- I'll get a hot-water bottle.
1277
01:03:48,158 --> 01:03:50,294
I put all your letters
in the study.
1278
01:03:50,327 --> 01:03:52,529
- Where are they?
- In the little pigeon house.
1279
01:03:52,562 --> 01:03:54,198
In your desk, love.
1280
01:03:54,231 --> 01:03:57,134
- Yes, but I could hear voices.
- What sort of voices?
1281
01:03:57,167 --> 01:03:58,869
People's voices.
1282
01:03:58,903 --> 01:04:01,105
- She's opened our sardines.
- Come back.
1283
01:04:01,138 --> 01:04:03,273
- You can't go down like that.
- Why not?
1284
01:04:03,307 --> 01:04:06,076
Mrs Crackett.
She's irreplaceable.
1285
01:04:06,110 --> 01:04:08,612
Sardines here, sardines there.
1286
01:04:08,645 --> 01:04:11,015
It's like
a Sunday school outing.
1287
01:04:11,048 --> 01:04:13,117
You're still poking around,
are you?
1288
01:04:13,150 --> 01:04:16,353
- Still poking. Still around.
- In the linen closet, were you?
1289
01:04:16,386 --> 01:04:20,157
No. Just checking sheets and
pillowcases for the inventory.
1290
01:04:20,190 --> 01:04:22,960
- Mrs. Blackett.
- Clackett, dear.
1291
01:04:22,993 --> 01:04:26,563
- Is there anyone else in the house?
- I've seen no one, dear.
1292
01:04:26,596 --> 01:04:29,666
- I thought I heard voices.
- There are no voices here.
1293
01:04:29,699 --> 01:04:33,003
- I must've imagined it.
- Oh, my god.
1294
01:04:33,037 --> 01:04:35,372
- I beg your pardon?
- Oh, my god.
1295
01:04:35,405 --> 01:04:41,145
- Why, what is it?
- The study door's open.
1296
01:04:41,178 --> 01:04:44,614
There's another car outside.
That's not Mr. Hackham's, is it?
1297
01:04:44,648 --> 01:04:46,483
Or Mr. Dudley's?
1298
01:04:46,516 --> 01:04:54,224
Nothing but
flapping doors in this house.
1299
01:04:54,258 --> 01:04:58,395
"The final notice... steps will be taken...
foreclosure... Proceedings in court"?
1300
01:04:58,428 --> 01:05:01,498
That reminds me, a gentleman
come about the house.
1301
01:05:01,531 --> 01:05:03,433
Don't tell me. I'm not here.
1302
01:05:03,467 --> 01:05:06,703
I'll just sit down
and turn on the... sardines!
1303
01:05:06,736 --> 01:05:10,240
I've forgotten the sardines.
I don't know!
1304
01:05:10,274 --> 01:05:13,677
If it wasn't fixed to my shoulders,
I'd forget what day it was.
1305
01:05:13,710 --> 01:05:16,513
- Give it to me!
- I didn't get this. I'm not here.
1306
01:05:16,546 --> 01:05:20,050
I'm in Spain. But if I didn't
get it, I didn't open it.
1307
01:05:20,084 --> 01:05:21,685
I never should've touched it.
1308
01:05:21,718 --> 01:05:24,254
Darling, I never had a...
1309
01:05:25,222 --> 01:05:26,957
I never had a dress...
1310
01:05:28,458 --> 01:05:30,627
Or rather a bunch of flowers
like these, did I?
1311
01:05:30,660 --> 01:05:33,130
Oh. Didn't you?
1312
01:05:33,163 --> 01:05:35,399
I shouldn't buy anything
as tarty as these.
1313
01:05:35,432 --> 01:05:38,035
They aren't something
you gave me, are they?
1314
01:05:38,068 --> 01:05:40,304
- I never should've touched it.
- They're lovely.
1315
01:05:40,337 --> 01:05:43,707
Stick it down. Why, put it back.
I never saw it.
1316
01:05:43,740 --> 01:05:46,076
I'll just go and
put them in the attic.
1317
01:05:46,110 --> 01:05:50,114
Pack them away with the other things you
gave me that are too precious to use.
1318
01:05:52,382 --> 01:05:54,351
Oh, god...
1319
01:06:04,494 --> 01:06:08,565
All right, now the study
door's open again.
1320
01:06:08,598 --> 01:06:11,168
What's going on?
1321
01:06:15,605 --> 01:06:17,141
Knocking.
1322
01:06:18,608 --> 01:06:20,410
Knocking!
1323
01:06:22,279 --> 01:06:24,048
Knocking.
1324
01:06:24,081 --> 01:06:25,449
Upstairs!
1325
01:06:29,819 --> 01:06:32,756
Oh, my god. There's something
in the linen closet.
1326
01:06:32,789 --> 01:06:35,292
Oh, it's you.
1327
01:06:35,325 --> 01:06:37,327
Is it you?
1328
01:06:37,361 --> 01:06:42,332
I mean... hidden under all
the sheets and towels in here.
1329
01:06:42,366 --> 01:06:45,702
I can't, you know,
just stand here indefinitely.
1330
01:06:45,735 --> 01:06:47,637
Of course it's me.
1331
01:06:47,671 --> 01:06:51,775
You put me here in the dark with
all black sheets and things.
1332
01:06:51,808 --> 01:06:54,178
But darling,
why did you lock the door?
1333
01:06:54,211 --> 01:06:57,381
Why did I lock the door?
Why did you?
1334
01:06:57,414 --> 01:07:01,651
I didn't lock the door. Anyway,
we can't stand here like this.
1335
01:07:01,685 --> 01:07:03,787
- Like what?
- In your underwear.
1336
01:07:03,820 --> 01:07:06,090
OK, I'll take it off.
1337
01:07:06,123 --> 01:07:07,624
You, on!
1338
01:07:07,657 --> 01:07:08,792
In here.
1339
01:07:08,825 --> 01:07:10,760
Darling, this glue.
1340
01:07:10,794 --> 01:07:14,498
It's not that special
quick-drying sort, is it?
1341
01:07:14,531 --> 01:07:19,236
Oh, look. Mrs. Clackett's
made us some sardines.
1342
01:07:19,269 --> 01:07:21,538
A hot-water bottle?
I didn't put it there.
1343
01:07:21,571 --> 01:07:23,840
I didn't put this
hot-water bottle...
1344
01:07:23,873 --> 01:07:28,545
I mean, I'm standing here with
a hot-water bottle in my hands.
1345
01:07:28,578 --> 01:07:36,320
Of course it's me. You put in me here in
the dark with black sheets and things.
1346
01:07:36,353 --> 01:07:38,688
Someone in the bathroom
filling hot-water bottles?
1347
01:07:38,722 --> 01:07:41,358
What? Don't panic!
1348
01:07:43,460 --> 01:07:46,463
- Why did you lock the door?
- Don't panic! Don't panic!
1349
01:07:48,432 --> 01:07:51,601
There's some perfectly rational
explanation for all this.
1350
01:07:51,635 --> 01:07:54,204
Mrs. Splotchett will
tell us what's happening.
1351
01:07:54,238 --> 01:07:57,374
You wait here. You can't
stand there looking like that.
1352
01:07:57,407 --> 01:07:59,509
Wait in the study.
Study, study, study!
1353
01:07:59,543 --> 01:08:01,578
No!
1354
01:08:01,611 --> 01:08:04,414
There's something in there.
Where are you?
1355
01:08:06,650 --> 01:08:10,187
Darling, I know this is
going to sound silly, but...
1356
01:08:10,220 --> 01:08:12,689
If we're not going to bed, I'm
going to clear out the attic.
1357
01:08:12,722 --> 01:08:15,559
Darling, I can't come to bed.
I'm glued to a tax demand.
1358
01:08:15,592 --> 01:08:17,427
Why don't you
put the sardines down?
1359
01:08:17,461 --> 01:08:20,230
Darling, I'm stuck
to the sardines.
1360
01:08:20,264 --> 01:08:23,900
Don't play the fool. Get that bottle
marked poison in the downstairs loo.
1361
01:08:23,933 --> 01:08:25,735
It eats through anything.
1362
01:08:25,769 --> 01:08:28,138
I've heard of people being
stuck with a problem before,
1363
01:08:28,172 --> 01:08:29,873
but this is ridiculous.
1364
01:08:30,874 --> 01:08:33,310
Um... ahem!
1365
01:08:33,343 --> 01:08:39,283
I've heard of people getting stuck with a
problem, but this is ridiculous!
1366
01:08:41,251 --> 01:08:44,120
No bars, no burglar alarms...
1367
01:08:45,955 --> 01:08:49,359
They ought to be prosecuting
for incitement.
1368
01:08:51,828 --> 01:08:56,866
It makes me want to weep
when I think I used to do banks.
1369
01:08:56,900 --> 01:09:00,237
When I remember
I used to do bullion vaults.
1370
01:09:00,270 --> 01:09:04,308
What am I doing now?
Breaking into paper bags.
1371
01:09:07,411 --> 01:09:12,782
I know they're all in Spain 'cause the
old Turkey in the kitchen told me so.
1372
01:09:12,816 --> 01:09:17,454
I know she's out 'cause I just
seen her go out the front door
1373
01:09:17,487 --> 01:09:19,356
where is the front door?
1374
01:09:20,624 --> 01:09:23,860
Oh. Yes. Uh...
A line, a prompt?
1375
01:09:23,893 --> 01:09:25,729
"Get the van loaded."
1376
01:09:25,762 --> 01:09:28,465
- What?
- "Get the van loaded"!
1377
01:09:28,498 --> 01:09:30,967
Right. Get the van loaded.
1378
01:09:31,000 --> 01:09:33,837
There's no rush. I've only got
all flaming afternoon.
1379
01:09:33,870 --> 01:09:37,807
Now, what are they offering?
One microwave oven.
1380
01:09:37,841 --> 01:09:40,844
50 quid?
Hardly worth lifting it.
1381
01:09:40,877 --> 01:09:42,779
Come here.
1382
01:09:44,381 --> 01:09:46,683
Now, where's his desk?
1383
01:09:46,716 --> 01:09:49,686
They all say the same thing.
It's hard to adjust to retirement.
1384
01:09:49,719 --> 01:09:51,655
The prospective tenant
wishes to know
1385
01:09:51,688 --> 01:09:54,291
is there any history
of paranormal phenomena.
1386
01:09:54,324 --> 01:09:56,460
Yes, dear, it's all
nice and paranormal.
1387
01:09:56,493 --> 01:10:00,497
Has anything ever dematerialized
before, flown about?
1388
01:10:00,530 --> 01:10:02,999
No, the things move themselves
on their own.
1389
01:10:03,032 --> 01:10:04,868
Just like they do
in any house.
1390
01:10:04,901 --> 01:10:07,871
I'll tell the prospective
tenant. She's in the study.
1391
01:10:07,904 --> 01:10:10,940
- There's a man in there.
- There's no one in the house.
1392
01:10:10,974 --> 01:10:14,644
- He's searching for something.
- I can't see no one.
1393
01:10:14,678 --> 01:10:16,413
For me?
1394
01:10:16,446 --> 01:10:19,316
This is extraordinary.
Where's my prospective tenant?
1395
01:10:19,349 --> 01:10:21,785
She's gone. She's disappeared.
1396
01:10:21,818 --> 01:10:25,322
- Oh, my god.
- Oh, no. Oh, dear.
1397
01:10:25,355 --> 01:10:27,391
The sardines.
1398
01:10:27,424 --> 01:10:30,660
- Oh, the sardines.
- You can see them, can you?
1399
01:10:30,694 --> 01:10:32,729
I can see the way
they're going, too.
1400
01:10:32,762 --> 01:10:34,898
I'm not letting these sardines
out of my hand.
1401
01:10:34,931 --> 01:10:36,966
But where is my
prospective tenant?
1402
01:10:37,000 --> 01:10:39,736
I can see I'm going to be
opening sardines all night.
1403
01:10:39,769 --> 01:10:41,705
Been in and out of here
like a cuckoo on a clock.
1404
01:10:41,738 --> 01:10:44,007
Vicki! Vicki!
1405
01:10:44,040 --> 01:10:46,376
"Charles," he said,
"you're 70 years old.
1406
01:10:46,410 --> 01:10:48,745
"It's time to hang up
the sawn-off shotgun
1407
01:10:48,778 --> 01:10:52,616
"and hand over the ammonia
bottle to a younger man."
1408
01:10:52,649 --> 01:10:54,951
Where's she gone? She hasn't
gone back into the bedroom.
1409
01:10:54,984 --> 01:11:01,758
"I may be 70," I said, "but I've
still got all my wits about me."
1410
01:11:01,791 --> 01:11:04,561
He didn't have
an answer to that.
1411
01:11:08,598 --> 01:11:12,569
- Where can she have got to?
- Vicki! Vicki!
1412
01:11:12,602 --> 01:11:15,405
Or if he did,
I didn't hear him.
1413
01:11:15,439 --> 01:11:18,575
This stuff that eats through
anything doesn't eat through glue.
1414
01:11:18,608 --> 01:11:20,910
It just eats through trousers.
1415
01:11:20,944 --> 01:11:25,081
If it eats through trousers, you
don't think it eats through...
1416
01:11:25,114 --> 01:11:27,050
I'd better get
these trousers off.
1417
01:11:27,083 --> 01:11:29,619
Darling, quick.
This is an emergency.
1418
01:11:29,653 --> 01:11:32,556
Have we got any stuff
that stops the stuff?
1419
01:11:32,589 --> 01:11:35,759
I mean, if it eats through
absolutely anything...
1420
01:11:35,792 --> 01:11:39,929
Darling, I think I can feel it.
It's eating through everything.
1421
01:11:39,963 --> 01:11:42,632
There's something evil
in this hooouuuse!
1422
01:11:46,436 --> 01:11:48,705
Oh. Um... inland revenue?
1423
01:11:48,738 --> 01:11:50,607
He's back.
1424
01:11:50,640 --> 01:11:52,976
No, I'm not here. I'm abroad.
1425
01:11:53,009 --> 01:11:54,711
- He's walking abroad.
- I must go.
1426
01:11:54,744 --> 01:11:56,112
- Stay!
- I'm not staying.
1427
01:11:56,145 --> 01:11:59,115
- Speak!
- Only in the presence of my lawyer.
1428
01:11:59,148 --> 01:12:03,853
Only...? Hold on, you're just an
intruder. An ordinary intruder.
1429
01:12:03,887 --> 01:12:06,756
Well, nice to meet you.
I mean... have a sardine.
1430
01:12:06,790 --> 01:12:09,626
No, you're not.
You're a sex criminal.
1431
01:12:09,659 --> 01:12:12,128
I'm going to come downstairs
and sort you...
1432
01:12:12,161 --> 01:12:14,464
Whoaaahh!
1433
01:12:18,635 --> 01:12:20,504
Oh, you've got some sardines,
have you?
1434
01:12:20,537 --> 01:12:23,139
Well, if there's nothing
I can offer you...
1435
01:12:23,172 --> 01:12:24,974
Are you all right?
1436
01:12:26,610 --> 01:12:27,977
The tap!
1437
01:12:28,011 --> 01:12:30,980
- Police!
- I'll be running along.
1438
01:12:32,882 --> 01:12:34,684
Come back.
1439
01:12:34,718 --> 01:12:38,121
Hello, police? Someone has
broken into my house.
1440
01:12:38,154 --> 01:12:41,525
Or rather, someone has broken
into someone's house.
1441
01:12:41,558 --> 01:12:45,529
Yes, a sex criminal.
And a young woman is missing.
1442
01:12:46,896 --> 01:12:49,766
And a young woman is missing!
1443
01:12:50,867 --> 01:12:54,871
And a young woman is missing!!
1444
01:12:54,904 --> 01:12:58,542
It's in the garden now
and it's a maaan!
1445
01:13:01,044 --> 01:13:04,481
- Are you all right?
- No. He almost saw me.
1446
01:13:04,514 --> 01:13:08,652
He almost saw her!
No, but he's a burglar as well.
1447
01:13:08,685 --> 01:13:10,520
He's taken our things.
1448
01:13:10,554 --> 01:13:13,389
- The things are here.
- They've come back. So we're just...
1449
01:13:16,860 --> 01:13:20,630
I knew I shouldn't have
brought the subject up.
1450
01:13:20,664 --> 01:13:23,032
Darling, help! Where are you?
1451
01:13:23,066 --> 01:13:26,069
Just put it on.
It's a start at any rate.
1452
01:13:26,102 --> 01:13:30,406
I'll find a bottom. I'll find
a top. I'll find something.
1453
01:13:31,207 --> 01:13:34,811
- What?
- Aauugghh!
1454
01:13:34,844 --> 01:13:38,882
There's someone in there.
It's him, it's him!
1455
01:13:38,915 --> 01:13:41,184
Darling, I'm finding
such lovely things.
1456
01:13:41,217 --> 01:13:43,086
Aagghh!
1457
01:13:43,119 --> 01:13:46,890
Remember this old biscuit tin
you gave me on our very first...
1458
01:13:46,923 --> 01:13:50,727
- Who are you?
- It's his wife and dependent!
1459
01:13:50,760 --> 01:13:54,731
I've taken your dress off you.
1460
01:13:54,764 --> 01:13:57,066
Where have you been?
I've been going mad.
1461
01:14:02,939 --> 01:14:05,709
A pair of gold taps, anyway.
Oh, my god.
1462
01:14:05,742 --> 01:14:07,076
- Who are you?
- I'm doing the taps.
1463
01:14:16,653 --> 01:14:17,487
Tim!
1464
01:14:19,656 --> 01:14:23,760
Tax on women? I don't know.
They'll put a tax on anything these days.
1465
01:14:23,793 --> 01:14:25,762
If I can't find her,
you'll be in trouble, you see?
1466
01:14:25,795 --> 01:14:28,097
W.c.? I'll fix it.
1467
01:14:28,131 --> 01:14:30,099
Vicki! Vicki!
1468
01:14:42,946 --> 01:14:46,916
No sheik yet?
I thought he was coming at 4:00.
1469
01:14:46,950 --> 01:14:49,819
I mean, you know,
it's nearly 4:00 now.
1470
01:14:49,853 --> 01:14:54,524
Well, it's after 3:00 because I've been
standing here it seems like forever.
1471
01:14:55,659 --> 01:14:57,226
- Listen.
- What?
1472
01:14:57,260 --> 01:14:59,896
- I've got to talk to you now.
- Now is not...
1473
01:14:59,929 --> 01:15:02,666
Not a good time, I know.
It's never a good time.
1474
01:15:02,699 --> 01:15:04,834
Oh! You're right.
Freddie's quick change.
1475
01:15:04,868 --> 01:15:08,104
What? Christ,
Freddie's quick change.
1476
01:15:08,137 --> 01:15:11,240
Those thieving devils.
Give me that sheet, you devil!
1477
01:15:11,274 --> 01:15:14,243
There she stands in her sheet
that won't come off
1478
01:15:14,277 --> 01:15:16,613
so no one in the world
can see you.
1479
01:15:16,646 --> 01:15:20,183
My little girl! So far as I
could see before she went.
1480
01:15:20,216 --> 01:15:22,318
It's you. I mean, I think.
1481
01:15:22,351 --> 01:15:24,153
It's her, isn't it?
1482
01:15:24,187 --> 01:15:25,855
Dad!
1483
01:15:25,889 --> 01:15:28,091
Surely that was our little Vicki
that ran away
1484
01:15:28,124 --> 01:15:31,160
that I thought I'd never
see again - and nearly didn't.
1485
01:15:31,194 --> 01:15:32,996
Oh! Here she is again.
1486
01:15:33,897 --> 01:15:35,899
So where's my...
1487
01:15:37,333 --> 01:15:39,535
So where's my other sheet?
1488
01:15:40,904 --> 01:15:45,274
Ah, a house of heavenly peace.
I rent it.
1489
01:15:45,308 --> 01:15:48,344
- You?!
- I tried calling you.
1490
01:15:48,377 --> 01:15:52,716
You're in rehearsals all day,
but you're not there at night.
1491
01:15:52,749 --> 01:15:54,851
No, I'm not going to be put off.
1492
01:15:54,884 --> 01:15:58,655
As soon as that curtain's down,
you'll be seeing her. I know it.
1493
01:15:58,688 --> 01:16:01,725
She's being difficult. I saw
that cactus. I'm not blind.
1494
01:16:01,758 --> 01:16:04,160
Then you'll be on
the next plane to New York.
1495
01:16:04,193 --> 01:16:08,197
I'm starting to know the way you operate.
Bet there's somebody in Hamlet!
1496
01:16:08,231 --> 01:16:12,201
You can't walk away this time.
You've got to hear. I'm...
1497
01:16:12,235 --> 01:16:13,737
Pregnant!
1498
01:16:19,743 --> 01:16:21,878
And, curtain.
1499
01:16:32,388 --> 01:16:34,624
Aaaggghh!
1500
01:16:42,131 --> 01:16:45,201
If you thought Miami beach was
as bad as things could get,
1501
01:16:45,234 --> 01:16:47,704
you're very much mistaken,
my friend.
1502
01:16:47,737 --> 01:16:53,409
Things got worse backstage by
the time we got to Spartanburg.
1503
01:16:53,442 --> 01:16:56,412
Then after Spartanburg
there was Lynchburg.
1504
01:16:56,445 --> 01:17:00,083
After Lynchburg, there was
Parkersburg and Petersburg.
1505
01:17:00,116 --> 01:17:02,952
Then after Parkersburg
and Petersburg
1506
01:17:02,986 --> 01:17:06,923
there was Peter Piper picked
a peck of pickled Peppersburg.
1507
01:17:09,392 --> 01:17:14,964
But nothing could've prepared us
for the final horror.
1508
01:17:15,832 --> 01:17:17,300
Cleveland.
1509
01:17:50,834 --> 01:17:52,802
Garry was using you.
1510
01:17:52,836 --> 01:17:55,238
Quiet!
1511
01:17:55,271 --> 01:17:59,809
Hold on, I'm coming! Hold your
horses. I'll be right there.
1512
01:17:59,843 --> 01:18:02,311
Oof!
1513
01:18:02,345 --> 01:18:06,816
Hold on. Can't pick sardines off
the floor and answer the phone.
1514
01:18:06,850 --> 01:18:09,986
I've only got one leg.
1515
01:18:10,019 --> 01:18:12,856
Hello?
1516
01:18:12,889 --> 01:18:16,893
Hello? Yes, but
there's no one here.
1517
01:18:16,926 --> 01:18:20,296
No, Mr. Brent's not here.
He lives in Spain.
1518
01:18:20,329 --> 01:18:23,499
Mr. Philip Brent,
the one that writes the plays.
1519
01:18:23,532 --> 01:18:26,469
Only why he wants to get mixed
up in plays god only knows.
1520
01:18:26,502 --> 01:18:28,872
He'd be safer off
in a snake pit.
1521
01:18:28,905 --> 01:18:34,010
No, she's in Spain, too.
They're all in Spain.
1522
01:18:34,043 --> 01:18:37,747
Am I in Spain?
No, I'm not in Spain.
1523
01:18:37,781 --> 01:18:40,516
I'm in agony,
that's where I am.
1524
01:18:40,549 --> 01:18:42,986
We haven't
been on the road three months
1525
01:18:43,019 --> 01:18:45,354
and already she's
trying to kill me!
1526
01:18:45,388 --> 01:18:48,524
I'm back there standing with the
sardines and next thing I know
1527
01:18:48,557 --> 01:18:50,994
she's kicking me in the...
1528
01:18:51,027 --> 01:18:53,196
Where the hell are they?
1529
01:18:53,229 --> 01:18:55,832
If it's to do with
letting the house...
1530
01:18:55,865 --> 01:18:58,001
- Selsdon!
- Selsdon?
1531
01:18:58,034 --> 01:19:01,470
- I can't find him.
- I'll find him.
1532
01:19:01,504 --> 01:19:06,375
They're not in Spain. They're
next to the study. In the phone.
1533
01:19:06,409 --> 01:19:10,847
Squire, squire, Hackham
and... hold on.
1534
01:19:10,880 --> 01:19:12,916
I'm going to do
something wrong here.
1535
01:19:12,949 --> 01:19:16,352
Oh, yes.
Always the same, isn't it?
1536
01:19:16,385 --> 01:19:20,890
As soon as you got too much on your plate,
there you go putting your foot in it.
1537
01:19:20,924 --> 01:19:23,159
Speak of the devil.
1538
01:19:23,192 --> 01:19:26,329
Don't want to go
putting your foot in it now.
1539
01:19:26,362 --> 01:19:30,934
Well, I'll take care of that,
I'll just put that there.
1540
01:19:30,967 --> 01:19:34,370
Look, see? That'll keep them
out of harm's way.
1541
01:19:34,403 --> 01:19:40,543
What I'm holding now, I don't
know. And off I go at last.
1542
01:19:48,017 --> 01:19:51,254
My housekeeper, yes.
But this is her afternoon off.
1543
01:19:51,287 --> 01:19:55,258
So we've got the place
entirely to ourselves.
1544
01:19:55,291 --> 01:19:56,425
Wow!
1545
01:19:56,459 --> 01:19:58,294
I'll just check.
1546
01:20:00,163 --> 01:20:02,065
Hello? Anyone at home?
1547
01:20:03,266 --> 01:20:04,968
No, there's no one here.
1548
01:20:06,435 --> 01:20:08,437
So, what do you think?
1549
01:20:08,471 --> 01:20:10,974
Great! And this is all yours?
1550
01:20:12,308 --> 01:20:15,078
Just a little shack
in the woods, really.
1551
01:20:15,111 --> 01:20:18,281
Converted posset mill.
16th century.
1552
01:20:21,517 --> 01:20:27,156
One has to have somewhere to
entertain business associates.
1553
01:20:27,190 --> 01:20:29,392
There's someone on the phone
now, by the look of it.
1554
01:20:29,425 --> 01:20:34,563
It's probably this arab,
saying he's coming at 4:00.
1555
01:20:34,597 --> 01:20:36,632
I'll just have a word with him.
1556
01:20:36,665 --> 01:20:40,536
Right, and I've got to get those files
to our Basingstoke office by 4:00.
1557
01:20:40,569 --> 01:20:44,140
Yes, we'll only just manage to
pick it in. Uh, to fit it up.
1558
01:20:44,173 --> 01:20:45,574
Right, then.
1559
01:20:45,608 --> 01:20:48,077
I won't bother
to pour the champagne.
1560
01:20:48,111 --> 01:20:50,479
- All these doors!
- Only a handful.
1561
01:20:50,513 --> 01:20:53,917
Study, kitchen and a self-contained
service flat for the...
1562
01:20:53,950 --> 01:20:55,351
Receiver.
1563
01:20:55,384 --> 01:20:56,986
Terrific.
1564
01:20:57,020 --> 01:20:59,155
- And which one's the...
- The what?
1565
01:20:59,188 --> 01:21:02,325
- You know.
- Oh. Yes, through here.
1566
01:21:02,358 --> 01:21:04,493
It's... through here.
1567
01:21:04,527 --> 01:21:07,596
Fantastic! Aarrggh!
1568
01:21:12,101 --> 01:21:14,537
- Just come for me sardines.
- Aagghh!
1569
01:21:14,570 --> 01:21:17,974
- I thought no one was here.
- I'm not here. I don't know where I am.
1570
01:21:18,007 --> 01:21:20,043
- I'm from the agents.
- Lost the phone now.
1571
01:21:20,076 --> 01:21:21,110
Squire, squire,
Hackham and Dudley.
1572
01:21:21,144 --> 01:21:23,512
- Never lost the phone before.
- I'm Tramplemain.
1573
01:21:23,546 --> 01:21:26,615
I'll just put it up here
in case anybody wants it.
1574
01:21:26,649 --> 01:21:28,284
- Look.
- Right, thanks.
1575
01:21:28,317 --> 01:21:30,386
I just dropped in
to go into a few things.
1576
01:21:30,419 --> 01:21:32,688
To check some measurements.
Do some odd jobs.
1577
01:21:32,721 --> 01:21:34,357
Now the plate's gone.
1578
01:21:34,390 --> 01:21:36,225
And I'm showing a prospective
tenant over the house.
1579
01:21:36,259 --> 01:21:38,061
What's wrong
with this door?
1580
01:21:38,094 --> 01:21:40,696
She's thinking of renting it.
Her interest is roused.
1581
01:21:40,729 --> 01:21:44,233
- That's not the bedroom.
- No, no, no!
1582
01:21:44,267 --> 01:21:46,702
That's the downstairs
bathroom and w.C. Suite.
1583
01:21:46,735 --> 01:21:48,371
This is the housekeeper,
Mrs. Crockett.
1584
01:21:48,404 --> 01:21:51,007
- Sardines here!
- Oh, hi.
1585
01:21:51,040 --> 01:21:53,409
- She's not really here.
- You're standing on 'em!
1586
01:21:53,442 --> 01:21:55,378
It's the royal, you know.
The horse race.
1587
01:21:55,411 --> 01:21:56,679
You shouldn't have
stood on them.
1588
01:21:56,712 --> 01:21:59,949
- Don't worry about us.
- I need those sardines.
1589
01:21:59,983 --> 01:22:04,220
- We'll just inspect the house.
- I'll have to give the floor a wash now.
1590
01:22:04,253 --> 01:22:06,255
- I'm sorry.
- That's all right.
1591
01:22:06,289 --> 01:22:08,691
We don't want
the television, do we?
1592
01:22:08,724 --> 01:22:13,129
Right, she didn't explain about
wanting to watch the royal
1593
01:22:13,162 --> 01:22:16,099
because obviously there's been
this thing with the...
1594
01:22:16,132 --> 01:22:20,236
I'm just, in case... Somebody's looking
at all this and thinking, "my god!"
1595
01:22:20,269 --> 01:22:23,239
Great! Come on, then. I've got
to be in basingstoke by 4:00.
1596
01:22:23,272 --> 01:22:24,707
Sorry, hon.
1597
01:22:24,740 --> 01:22:26,309
- We'll take it up with us.
- Where are we?
1598
01:22:26,342 --> 01:22:29,212
- Don't forget my files.
- We've gotten out of...
1599
01:22:29,245 --> 01:22:31,380
- What?
- Her!
1600
01:22:31,414 --> 01:22:35,384
Her? OK, her! She's been
in the family for generations.
1601
01:22:35,418 --> 01:22:40,023
I'll just give the floor a wash with
this and they'll be out of your way.
1602
01:22:40,056 --> 01:22:41,757
Look what I've got hold of now.
1603
01:22:41,790 --> 01:22:44,327
- Great!
- Like a battlefield back there.
1604
01:22:44,360 --> 01:22:47,296
- Terrific!
- I'll just put this up here.
1605
01:22:47,330 --> 01:22:50,766
Then if he wants it,
he won't know where to find it.
1606
01:22:50,799 --> 01:22:52,568
You'll have to do the sardines.
1607
01:22:52,601 --> 01:22:56,139
I have to go to the kitchen
and do some more sardines.
1608
01:22:56,172 --> 01:22:59,475
See, she thinks it's great.
She's even making us sardines.
1609
01:22:59,508 --> 01:23:02,078
- So what do you think?
- I think she's terrific.
1610
01:23:02,111 --> 01:23:04,380
- Do you want to do the...
- Which way?
1611
01:23:04,413 --> 01:23:07,116
I don't know, just kind of
wrap them up in the...
1612
01:23:07,150 --> 01:23:09,752
- Up here?
- I'll do the...
1613
01:23:09,785 --> 01:23:11,454
- In here?
- OK, you take the...
1614
01:23:11,487 --> 01:23:14,623
- It's another bathroom.
- ..Box bag.
1615
01:23:14,657 --> 01:23:16,559
Always trying to
get me in the bathroom.
1616
01:23:16,592 --> 01:23:18,294
Bag box!
1617
01:23:18,327 --> 01:23:20,563
Oh, a black sheet!
1618
01:23:20,596 --> 01:23:22,465
Box, box, bag, bag!
1619
01:23:22,498 --> 01:23:24,133
You're in a real state.
1620
01:23:24,167 --> 01:23:27,303
If we haven't got
the upstairs...
1621
01:23:27,336 --> 01:23:29,405
You can't even
get the door open.
1622
01:23:29,438 --> 01:23:31,607
This is Mrs. Clackett's
afternoon off.
1623
01:23:41,784 --> 01:23:44,220
We've got the place
entirely to ourselves.
1624
01:23:44,253 --> 01:23:45,654
- Look at it!
- Do you like it?
1625
01:23:45,688 --> 01:23:47,523
I can't believe it.
1626
01:23:47,556 --> 01:23:49,558
- The perfect place for an assignation.
- Home!
1627
01:23:49,592 --> 01:23:51,827
But how odd to find
a telephone in the garden.
1628
01:23:51,860 --> 01:23:54,363
- I'll put it back.
- I thought I'd better bring it in.
1629
01:23:54,397 --> 01:23:57,300
- Sensible.
- Someone's bound to want it.
1630
01:23:57,333 --> 01:23:59,768
- Why not put it on the table?
- The wire seems to be caught.
1631
01:23:59,802 --> 01:24:02,371
Look, it's caught round
the downstairs bathroom.
1632
01:24:02,405 --> 01:24:04,073
So it is.
1633
01:24:07,243 --> 01:24:10,646
- I think I've disentangled it.
- I've climbed through the window and...
1634
01:24:10,679 --> 01:24:12,215
Oh.
1635
01:24:12,248 --> 01:24:15,218
Anyway. Our little
secret hideaway.
1636
01:24:15,251 --> 01:24:18,354
- The last place on earth anyone will...
- Look for us.
1637
01:24:18,387 --> 01:24:20,556
But it's rather funny
creeping in like this.
1638
01:24:20,589 --> 01:24:21,857
What?
1639
01:24:21,890 --> 01:24:24,460
You're thinking,
"it's damn serious."
1640
01:24:24,493 --> 01:24:26,529
Sorry.
Yes, it's damn serious.
1641
01:24:26,562 --> 01:24:28,697
You're thinking about
inland revenue.
1642
01:24:28,731 --> 01:24:30,799
Absolutely, inland revenue.
1643
01:24:30,833 --> 01:24:34,403
To cut a long story short,
I think I'll wash up and go to bed.
1644
01:24:34,437 --> 01:24:37,740
Yes, but we must have our little
talk first about inland revenue.
1645
01:24:37,773 --> 01:24:41,410
You're thinking, "if inland revenue
finds out we're in the country,
1646
01:24:41,444 --> 01:24:44,180
"bang goes our claim to be residents
abroad, bang goes this year's..."
1647
01:24:44,213 --> 01:24:47,250
Leave those! Downstairs.
1648
01:24:47,283 --> 01:24:49,885
- Not upstairs.
- Shh! Inland revenue may hear.
1649
01:24:49,918 --> 01:24:51,687
One moment they're
kicking you to death,
1650
01:24:51,720 --> 01:24:55,424
the next they expect you to come
waltzing out with sardines.
1651
01:24:55,458 --> 01:24:58,394
- Newspaper!
- You gave me a turn!
1652
01:24:58,427 --> 01:25:00,529
- My heart jumped out of the sofa.
- So did mine.
1653
01:25:00,563 --> 01:25:04,400
- We thought you'd gone.
- Thought you was in Sardinia.
1654
01:25:04,433 --> 01:25:06,269
- We are.
- You haven't seen us.
1655
01:25:06,302 --> 01:25:08,904
- We're not here.
- They got me a lovely present.
1656
01:25:08,937 --> 01:25:12,141
But the main thing is the income
tax people are after us.
1657
01:25:12,175 --> 01:25:13,909
I can guess who thought of this.
1658
01:25:13,942 --> 01:25:17,413
- We're off to bed.
- She just leaves them on the sofa.
1659
01:25:17,446 --> 01:25:20,316
- Has the bed been aired?
- I got a surprise for you.
1660
01:25:20,349 --> 01:25:24,453
- I'll get a hot-water bottle.
- I'll give you some sardines, sweetheart.
1661
01:25:25,554 --> 01:25:26,755
No!
1662
01:25:26,789 --> 01:25:29,525
- Let me at her!
- Oh, dear!
1663
01:25:29,558 --> 01:25:31,560
She's left you on your own,
has she?
1664
01:25:31,594 --> 01:25:34,430
What are you supposed to do?
Talk to yourself?
1665
01:25:34,463 --> 01:25:35,931
Has she talked
about your letters?
1666
01:25:35,964 --> 01:25:38,934
- What's she telling you now?
- Your tax letters in the study!
1667
01:25:38,967 --> 01:25:40,936
I'm supposed to tell him that!
1668
01:25:40,969 --> 01:25:44,940
- They're in the pigeon house!
- In the pigeonhole. You come with me.
1669
01:25:44,973 --> 01:25:47,776
Anybody would think
she was married to you.
1670
01:25:47,810 --> 01:25:51,914
- Yes, but I can hear voices.
- What sort of voices?
1671
01:25:53,382 --> 01:25:55,751
Box voices, I mean...
People's boxes.
1672
01:25:55,784 --> 01:25:57,353
But there's no one here.
1673
01:25:57,386 --> 01:25:59,955
Darling, I saw
the door handle move.
1674
01:25:59,988 --> 01:26:03,192
And these bags,
I'm not sure they were...
1675
01:26:03,226 --> 01:26:05,328
When we went into the,
you know what I mean?
1676
01:26:05,361 --> 01:26:08,497
I still don't see why you have
to put your tie on to look.
1677
01:26:08,531 --> 01:26:11,667
Because if someone left
these things outside,
1678
01:26:11,700 --> 01:26:14,770
they obviously wish them
to be downstairs inside the...
1679
01:26:14,803 --> 01:26:16,672
Mrs. Clockett?
1680
01:26:16,705 --> 01:26:21,444
It could be, on her way up to
carry various things. Who knows?
1681
01:26:21,477 --> 01:26:23,979
- No, no, no.
- I'll fetch them.
1682
01:26:24,012 --> 01:26:25,614
- You can't go down like that.
- Why not?
1683
01:26:25,648 --> 01:26:28,784
Mrs. Crackett.
She's irreplaceable.
1684
01:26:28,817 --> 01:26:33,656
Well! At least I thanked
her properly for the sardines.
1685
01:26:33,689 --> 01:26:36,459
You're still poking around,
are you?
1686
01:26:36,492 --> 01:26:38,994
Yes, still poking.
Well, still pulling.
1687
01:26:40,996 --> 01:26:44,633
Lucky I can't see far
with this leg.
1688
01:26:44,667 --> 01:26:49,538
Just trying all the doors.
Checking all the door handles.
1689
01:26:50,906 --> 01:26:53,476
- Mrs. Blackett...
- Clackett, dear.
1690
01:26:53,509 --> 01:26:58,747
- Is there anyone else in the house?
- I haven't seen no one, dear.
1691
01:26:58,781 --> 01:27:01,550
I thought I heard boxes.
I mean, I found these voices.
1692
01:27:01,584 --> 01:27:04,253
- There's no voices here, love.
- I must've imagined it.
1693
01:27:04,287 --> 01:27:06,822
Oh, my god!
1694
01:27:09,958 --> 01:27:12,461
I beg your pardon?
1695
01:27:14,029 --> 01:27:16,332
Oh, my god!
1696
01:27:25,741 --> 01:27:31,514
- Why, what is it?
- The study door's open.
1697
01:27:31,547 --> 01:27:33,882
They'll need these things
inside the...
1698
01:27:33,916 --> 01:27:36,452
So I'll just put them
outside the...
1699
01:27:36,485 --> 01:27:38,421
Then they can...
You know what I mean.
1700
01:27:44,927 --> 01:27:48,564
Nothing but flapping doors
in this... handle.
1701
01:27:53,502 --> 01:27:59,041
"Final notice... steps will be
taken... proceedings in court."
1702
01:27:59,074 --> 01:28:00,909
Oh, my god. Who are you?
1703
01:28:00,943 --> 01:28:05,448
- I'm Philip.
- You're Philip? What happened to you?
1704
01:28:05,481 --> 01:28:08,584
- There were these sardines on the floor.
- He stepped in it?
1705
01:28:08,617 --> 01:28:11,620
- And he slipped.
- She's killed him. She's killed you!
1706
01:28:11,654 --> 01:28:16,459
No, he's just a bit shaken.
He'll be all right in a minute.
1707
01:28:22,998 --> 01:28:27,870
You weren't going to tell me a gentleman
had come about the house, were you?
1708
01:28:27,903 --> 01:28:28,937
What?
1709
01:28:28,971 --> 01:28:30,473
You weren't going to tell me
1710
01:28:30,506 --> 01:28:32,375
a gentleman had come
about the house?
1711
01:28:32,408 --> 01:28:34,643
A gentleman come
about the house.
1712
01:28:34,677 --> 01:28:38,914
- Don't tell me. I'm not here.
- You haven't hurt himself, have ya?
1713
01:28:38,947 --> 01:28:42,818
Just leave everything to squire,
squire, Hackham and Poppy.
1714
01:28:42,851 --> 01:28:47,456
All right, then, love. I'll just sit
down and I'll turn on the sardines.
1715
01:28:47,490 --> 01:28:49,324
I've forgotten the sardines.
1716
01:28:50,926 --> 01:28:54,830
No, I haven't forgotten the
sardines. I remembered them.
1717
01:28:54,863 --> 01:29:00,703
What a surprise! I'll just go into the
kitchen and fix some more to celebrate.
1718
01:29:00,736 --> 01:29:04,507
I didn't get this.
I'm not here. I'm in Spain.
1719
01:29:04,540 --> 01:29:07,476
But if I didn't get it,
I didn't open it.
1720
01:29:07,510 --> 01:29:09,111
Darling...
1721
01:29:10,679 --> 01:29:13,081
I never had
a handle like this, did I?
1722
01:29:13,115 --> 01:29:17,119
- Didn't you?
- I shouldn't buy anything as brassy as this.
1723
01:29:17,152 --> 01:29:20,689
- Is it something you gave me?
- I should never have touched it.
1724
01:29:20,723 --> 01:29:22,725
No, it's lovely.
1725
01:29:22,758 --> 01:29:25,661
Stick it down, put it back,
never saw it.
1726
01:29:25,694 --> 01:29:30,833
I'll just put it in the attic in
case anyone else wants to have a try.
1727
01:29:30,866 --> 01:29:33,035
All right, now the study door's
ope... closed again!
1728
01:29:33,068 --> 01:29:35,504
What's going on?
1729
01:29:35,538 --> 01:29:37,673
Knocking. Upstairs.
1730
01:29:39,608 --> 01:29:42,411
Oh, my god. There's something
in the linen cl... oh, my god!
1731
01:29:42,445 --> 01:29:44,046
Listen, I can't.
1732
01:29:44,079 --> 01:29:47,550
I can't because the handle
seems to have, you know...
1733
01:29:47,583 --> 01:29:50,486
You'll just have to...
Come on!
1734
01:29:50,519 --> 01:29:53,856
I mean, whatever's in there.
Can you hear me, darling?
1735
01:29:53,889 --> 01:29:56,859
Look, there's no need
to keep banging.
1736
01:29:56,892 --> 01:29:59,628
There's nothing I... it won't...
There's no place to...
1737
01:29:59,662 --> 01:30:02,498
Listen.
1738
01:30:02,531 --> 01:30:05,901
Climb round into the...
Squeeze through the... you know.
1739
01:30:05,934 --> 01:30:08,971
Shin down the...
1740
01:30:09,004 --> 01:30:13,041
There must be some way.
For god's sake!
1741
01:30:13,075 --> 01:30:17,646
"Final notice... steps will be taken...
foreclosure... Proceedings in court."
1742
01:30:17,680 --> 01:30:20,048
- It's you!
- Of course it's me.
1743
01:30:20,082 --> 01:30:23,185
You put me in here in the dark
with all black sheets.
1744
01:30:23,218 --> 01:30:26,889
I put you in there, but you managed
to squeeze through the... you know.
1745
01:30:26,922 --> 01:30:30,926
- Why did you lock the door?
- I couldn't. Look, it's come off.
1746
01:30:30,959 --> 01:30:33,762
- Someone locked the door.
- Sorry.
1747
01:30:33,796 --> 01:30:36,899
- Anyway, you can't stand here like that.
- Like what?
1748
01:30:36,932 --> 01:30:39,535
With people going in and out!
1749
01:30:39,568 --> 01:30:42,037
- OK, I'll take it off.
- No, in here!
1750
01:30:42,070 --> 01:30:46,008
"Final notice... steps will be taken...
foreclosure... Proceedings in court."
1751
01:30:46,041 --> 01:30:49,712
- Now what?
- A hot water box? I didn't put it there.
1752
01:30:49,745 --> 01:30:52,247
- I didn't put it there.
- Sorry.
1753
01:30:52,280 --> 01:30:55,951
Is someone in the bathroom
filling first-aid bottles?
1754
01:30:55,984 --> 01:30:58,253
There's something creepy
going on here.
1755
01:30:58,286 --> 01:31:00,689
Darling? Darling!
1756
01:31:00,723 --> 01:31:03,258
Are you coming
to bed or aren't you?
1757
01:31:03,291 --> 01:31:05,260
- What did you say?
- I didn't say anything.
1758
01:31:05,293 --> 01:31:09,031
I mean, there's the door handle,
now the first water box...
1759
01:31:09,064 --> 01:31:11,934
- I feel goose pimples all over.
- Get something round you.
1760
01:31:11,967 --> 01:31:13,969
- Get the covers over our heads!
- Just a moment.
1761
01:31:14,002 --> 01:31:16,739
What did I do with
those sardines? You, wait here!
1762
01:31:16,772 --> 01:31:19,107
You hear funny things
about these old houses.
1763
01:31:19,141 --> 01:31:22,144
But this one has been
extensively modernized.
1764
01:31:22,177 --> 01:31:25,748
I can't see how anything creepy
would survive central heating.
1765
01:31:25,781 --> 01:31:29,518
What is it? What's happening?
1766
01:31:29,552 --> 01:31:31,787
The sardines, they've gone!
1767
01:31:31,820 --> 01:31:33,989
No, they haven't.
They're here.
1768
01:31:34,022 --> 01:31:36,291
Oh. Well, my god!
1769
01:31:36,324 --> 01:31:39,962
You put a plate of sardines
down for two minutes
1770
01:31:39,995 --> 01:31:42,197
and the last thing
you expect to find...
1771
01:31:42,230 --> 01:31:45,200
I mean, these days, the one
thing you do not expect to find
1772
01:31:45,233 --> 01:31:47,836
when you come back is a plate
of... that's really weird.
1773
01:31:47,870 --> 01:31:49,772
Perhaps there is
something funny going on!
1774
01:31:49,805 --> 01:31:51,840
I'm going to get into bed
and put my head under the...
1775
01:31:51,874 --> 01:31:55,077
Because there they are,
exactly where I...
1776
01:31:57,345 --> 01:32:00,949
I suppose
Mrs. Spockett must've...
1777
01:32:00,983 --> 01:32:03,652
- Jesus, what is going on?
- Bag!
1778
01:32:03,686 --> 01:32:05,688
- Bag?
- Bag, bag.
1779
01:32:05,721 --> 01:32:07,690
What do you mean, bag, bag?
1780
01:32:07,723 --> 01:32:09,558
- Sardines!
- Bag, bag, bag.
1781
01:32:09,592 --> 01:32:14,830
- Sardines, sardines.
- Bag, bag, bag!
1782
01:32:14,863 --> 01:32:17,332
- Bag? What bag?
- Ohh!
1783
01:32:17,365 --> 01:32:19,702
- No bag!
- No bag?
1784
01:32:19,735 --> 01:32:22,170
Your bag's suddenly
here now. Gone.
1785
01:32:22,204 --> 01:32:25,908
It's in the bedroom. It was in
the bedroom. I put it there.
1786
01:32:25,941 --> 01:32:28,811
- I'll put it in the bedroom.
- Don't go in there.
1787
01:32:30,045 --> 01:32:33,582
The box.
They've both not gone.
1788
01:32:33,616 --> 01:32:37,786
What on earth's happening? Where's Mrs.
Sprotchett? Wait in the bedroom.
1789
01:32:37,820 --> 01:32:40,288
- No.
- Get dressed, then.
1790
01:32:40,322 --> 01:32:42,024
I am not going in there.
1791
01:32:42,057 --> 01:32:44,026
I'll fetch your dress out here.
1792
01:32:46,862 --> 01:32:48,897
- Your dress has gone.
- Oh! Oh!
1793
01:32:49,732 --> 01:32:51,867
Don't panic!
1794
01:32:51,900 --> 01:32:54,569
There's a perfectly
rational explanation.
1795
01:33:00,208 --> 01:33:02,044
For this.
1796
01:33:03,078 --> 01:33:04,713
Aarrghh!
1797
01:33:04,747 --> 01:33:06,214
Aagghh!
1798
01:33:09,952 --> 01:33:13,221
Darling, I know this is
going to sound silly, but...
1799
01:33:13,255 --> 01:33:15,323
If we're not going to bed, I'm
going to clear out the attic.
1800
01:33:15,357 --> 01:33:16,792
- Are you all right?
- Oh, my god!
1801
01:33:16,825 --> 01:33:18,026
- What happened?
- Can you speak?
1802
01:33:18,060 --> 01:33:21,329
- She's killed this one now.
- He's just stunned. Keep going.
1803
01:33:21,363 --> 01:33:23,231
She's putting sardines
on the stairs for him.
1804
01:33:23,265 --> 01:33:25,033
- Are you all right, Garry?
- Don't panic!
1805
01:33:25,067 --> 01:33:26,401
- He's all right.
- Well done.
1806
01:33:26,434 --> 01:33:28,704
- She'll get you next time.
- Keep going.
1807
01:33:28,737 --> 01:33:31,039
- There's a rational explanation for all this.
- Where are we?
1808
01:33:32,675 --> 01:33:33,776
I'll fetch Mrs. Splotchett
and she'll explain.
1809
01:33:33,809 --> 01:33:35,243
I'm here.
1810
01:33:35,277 --> 01:33:37,212
I've fetched Mrs. Splotchett
and she'll explain.
1811
01:33:37,245 --> 01:33:40,115
No, she won't. She doesn't know
if it's Christmas or Cleveland.
1812
01:33:40,148 --> 01:33:42,918
- I'll explain.
- There's a man in there, yes?
1813
01:33:42,951 --> 01:33:44,920
No, he's not in there,
my precious.
1814
01:33:44,953 --> 01:33:49,992
- He's here, look, and so am I.
- No, there's no one in the house, love.
1815
01:33:50,025 --> 01:33:53,295
No. Look! I know this is
quite a surprise for everyone.
1816
01:33:53,328 --> 01:33:56,198
It's a shock to find a man lying
at the bottom of the stairs.
1817
01:33:56,231 --> 01:33:58,233
- Isn't it, darling?
- Yeah.
1818
01:33:58,266 --> 01:34:01,403
But now we've all met, we'll
have to introduce ourselves.
1819
01:34:01,436 --> 01:34:03,105
Won't we, darling?
1820
01:34:03,138 --> 01:34:07,175
This is my husband.
I'm afraid he hates surprises.
1821
01:34:07,209 --> 01:34:11,814
Why don't you get that bottle
marked poison in the downstairs loo?
1822
01:34:11,847 --> 01:34:16,819
- It eats through anything.
- Eats through anything, right. Thank you.
1823
01:34:16,852 --> 01:34:20,322
I've heard of people getting stuck with a
problem, but this is ridiculous.
1824
01:34:23,325 --> 01:34:26,695
No bars, no burglar alarms.
1825
01:34:26,729 --> 01:34:29,832
They ought to be prosecuted
for incitement.
1826
01:34:31,366 --> 01:34:33,769
Come in and join
the party, honey.
1827
01:34:33,802 --> 01:34:37,472
A burglar!
This is most exciting.
1828
01:34:37,505 --> 01:34:40,208
This is all my fault,
because when I say,
1829
01:34:40,242 --> 01:34:44,079
"I've heard of people getting stuck
with a problem" and I open this door...
1830
01:34:47,315 --> 01:34:50,085
No bars, no burglar alarms.
1831
01:34:50,118 --> 01:34:52,988
They ought to be
prosecuted for incite...
1832
01:34:53,021 --> 01:34:54,957
...Ment.
1833
01:34:54,990 --> 01:34:56,458
Oh, dear.
I've done it again.
1834
01:34:56,491 --> 01:34:59,294
Sometimes it makes me
want to sit down and weep.
1835
01:34:59,327 --> 01:35:01,864
I know, it's
getting like a funeral out here.
1836
01:35:01,897 --> 01:35:03,999
When I think
I used to do banks...
1837
01:35:05,200 --> 01:35:06,735
Just keep going!
1838
01:35:06,769 --> 01:35:09,805
When I remember
I used to do bullion vaults...
1839
01:35:09,838 --> 01:35:12,875
What am I doing now?
I'm breaking into paper bags.
1840
01:35:12,908 --> 01:35:14,176
- Keep going.
- Stop?
1841
01:35:14,209 --> 01:35:17,012
- No, no, no.
- I thought the coast was clear.
1842
01:35:17,045 --> 01:35:18,513
I saw him go through
to the bathroom.
1843
01:35:18,546 --> 01:35:20,315
We'll think of something.
1844
01:35:20,348 --> 01:35:23,385
No, I was listening most
carefully. What is it he says?
1845
01:35:23,418 --> 01:35:25,754
I've heard of people getting stuck with a
problem, but this is ridiculous.
1846
01:35:25,788 --> 01:35:27,189
And he opens the door.
1847
01:35:29,057 --> 01:35:32,327
No bars, no burglar alarms.
1848
01:35:32,360 --> 01:35:34,930
They ought to be prosecuted
for incitement.
1849
01:35:34,963 --> 01:35:38,200
- Oh, no!
- They always come in threes.
1850
01:35:38,233 --> 01:35:40,235
When I think
I used to do banks...
1851
01:35:40,268 --> 01:35:43,806
When I remember I used
to do bullion vaults...
1852
01:35:43,839 --> 01:35:46,508
Hold on! We know this man!
1853
01:35:46,541 --> 01:35:50,312
- He's not a burglar. He's our social worker.
- He's what?
1854
01:35:50,345 --> 01:35:53,148
He's that nice man who comes
and tells us what to do.
1855
01:35:53,181 --> 01:35:54,917
Oh!
1856
01:35:54,950 --> 01:35:56,885
I've been working on Hamlet
for the last six weeks.
1857
01:35:56,919 --> 01:35:59,221
You think he needs working on
more than we do?
1858
01:35:59,254 --> 01:36:02,157
- Is he playing the burglar now?
- No, no.
1859
01:36:02,190 --> 01:36:05,360
OK, I'll think of something.
Fetch the sardines.
1860
01:36:05,393 --> 01:36:08,096
- I've fetched the sardines.
- You've fetched the sardines?
1861
01:36:08,130 --> 01:36:10,198
She's fetched
the sardines!
1862
01:36:10,232 --> 01:36:12,567
- Get the tax demand.
- He's got the tax demand.
1863
01:36:12,600 --> 01:36:15,904
All right, I suggest...
I suggest...
1864
01:36:18,473 --> 01:36:19,842
What's he saying?
1865
01:36:19,875 --> 01:36:22,544
He's saying, "ring the police!"
1866
01:36:22,577 --> 01:36:24,546
- Ring the police?
- Ring the police!
1867
01:36:24,579 --> 01:36:27,115
It's for you.
1868
01:36:27,149 --> 01:36:30,418
- No phone.
- Get the phone.
1869
01:36:30,452 --> 01:36:33,088
- Here's the phone.
- We've found the phone!
1870
01:36:35,423 --> 01:36:37,392
- Pick it up!
- Pick it up.
1871
01:36:37,425 --> 01:36:38,426
Pick it up!
1872
01:36:38,460 --> 01:36:40,228
It's the police!
1873
01:36:40,262 --> 01:36:42,530
I'll just tell them
a young woman is missing.
1874
01:36:42,564 --> 01:36:44,166
Yes, a young woman is missing.
1875
01:36:44,199 --> 01:36:47,435
It's in the garden now.
And it's a... man.
1876
01:36:47,469 --> 01:36:50,438
Oh, it's her.
We forgot all about her.
1877
01:36:50,472 --> 01:36:53,341
No, he almost... saw me.
1878
01:36:53,375 --> 01:36:55,610
All right. So what do you
think of that, my sweet?
1879
01:36:55,643 --> 01:36:58,113
I've got to get
the 8:40 to New York!
1880
01:37:00,015 --> 01:37:03,118
Ah! House of heavenly peace!
I rent it.
1881
01:37:05,287 --> 01:37:08,957
Oh, it's the other one!
In her wedding dress.
1882
01:37:08,991 --> 01:37:12,560
- Yes, it's their wedding day!
- Oh!
1883
01:37:12,594 --> 01:37:14,462
What a happy ending!
1884
01:37:14,496 --> 01:37:16,464
- To the first act!
- Yes!
1885
01:37:16,498 --> 01:37:18,300
Of their new life together.
1886
01:37:18,333 --> 01:37:20,168
They just want to be alone
in their new home.
1887
01:37:20,202 --> 01:37:23,872
If only someone would...
Pull the shades!
1888
01:37:24,472 --> 01:37:26,141
Come in?
1889
01:37:26,174 --> 01:37:28,176
- It's the mother of the bride.
- Go out?
1890
01:37:28,210 --> 01:37:30,078
Pull the shades!
1891
01:37:30,112 --> 01:37:32,014
- Last line.
- Last line.
1892
01:37:33,115 --> 01:37:35,017
I'll tell you one thing, Vicki.
1893
01:37:36,451 --> 01:37:38,320
What's that, dad?
1894
01:37:38,353 --> 01:37:41,389
When all around
is strife and uncertainty,
1895
01:37:41,423 --> 01:37:44,259
there's nothing like
a good old-fashioned plate of...
1896
01:37:45,627 --> 01:37:47,462
Curtain!
1897
01:38:36,344 --> 01:38:37,679
What's this?
1898
01:38:45,020 --> 01:38:48,991
Only one thing I'm missing now,
and that's a good old-fashioned plate of...
1899
01:38:49,024 --> 01:38:50,658
Sardines!
1900
01:38:58,500 --> 01:39:01,369
Yes! I did it!
1901
01:39:04,606 --> 01:39:06,241
We did it!
1902
01:39:09,277 --> 01:39:12,380
All my wonderful cast!
I knew we'd make it.
1903
01:39:12,414 --> 01:39:14,216
Never doubted it for a moment.
1904
01:39:16,784 --> 01:39:18,553
Let me tell you something.
1905
01:39:18,586 --> 01:39:21,623
You are a wonderful
stage doorkeeper.
1906
01:39:21,656 --> 01:39:27,462
Look at these two. Don't they
make a wonderful couple?
1907
01:39:27,495 --> 01:39:30,532
Tim's wonderful. She's
wonderful, whoever she is.
1908
01:39:30,565 --> 01:39:34,302
Poppy's wonderful. The baby's
going to be wonderful.
1909
01:39:34,336 --> 01:39:38,373
We're all wonderful.
I'm wonderful!
1910
01:39:38,406 --> 01:39:40,442
That's all it takes
to have a success.
1911
01:39:40,475 --> 01:39:43,278
Wonderful actors, wonderful
teamwork, dedication,
1912
01:39:43,311 --> 01:39:46,614
six months on the road,
professionalism.
1913
01:39:46,648 --> 01:39:48,583
Plus something else.
1914
01:39:48,616 --> 01:39:54,456
I think some kind of miracle.
Don't forget the miracle!
1915
01:39:54,489 --> 01:39:58,626
Oh yes, and by the way, another funny
thing happened out there on the road.
1916
01:39:58,660 --> 01:40:02,330
I didn't tell you
about this one.
1917
01:40:02,364 --> 01:40:06,334
What, you don't believe this?
Let me tell you something. Neither do I.
1918
01:40:06,368 --> 01:40:08,270
Never seen anything
like it in my life.
1919
01:40:08,303 --> 01:40:10,372
But then what
did Shakespeare say?
1920
01:40:10,405 --> 01:40:12,807
♪ There's no business
like show business ♪
1921
01:40:12,840 --> 01:40:16,178
♪ Like no business I know
1922
01:40:16,211 --> 01:40:18,680
♪ everything about it
is appealing ♪
1923
01:40:18,713 --> 01:40:21,616
♪ Everything the traffic
will allow ♪
1924
01:40:21,649 --> 01:40:24,319
♪ Nowhere can you get
that happy feeling ♪
1925
01:40:24,352 --> 01:40:27,122
♪ When you are stealing
that extra bow ♪
1926
01:40:27,155 --> 01:40:29,824
♪ There's no people
like show people ♪
1927
01:40:29,857 --> 01:40:33,195
♪ They smile
when they are low ♪
1928
01:40:33,228 --> 01:40:35,763
♪ Even with a Turkey
that you know will fold ♪
1929
01:40:35,797 --> 01:40:38,666
♪ You may be stranded
out in the cold ♪
1930
01:40:38,700 --> 01:40:41,103
♪ Still you wouldn't trade it
for a sack of gold ♪
1931
01:40:41,136 --> 01:40:44,139
♪ Let's go on with the show
1932
01:40:45,707 --> 01:40:48,310
♪ no business
like show business ♪
1933
01:40:48,343 --> 01:40:51,546
♪ Like no business I know
1934
01:40:51,579 --> 01:40:54,316
♪ traveling through the country
would be thrilling ♪
1935
01:40:54,349 --> 01:40:57,319
♪ Standing out in front
on opening night ♪
1936
01:40:57,352 --> 01:40:59,554
♪ Smiling as you watch
the theater filling ♪
1937
01:40:59,587 --> 01:41:02,357
♪ And there's your billing
up there in lights
1938
01:41:02,390 --> 01:41:05,393
♪ there's no people
like show people ♪
1939
01:41:05,427 --> 01:41:08,563
♪ They smile
when they are low ♪
1940
01:41:08,596 --> 01:41:11,433
♪ Yesterday they told you
you would not go far ♪
1941
01:41:11,466 --> 01:41:14,236
♪ Tonight you open
and there you are ♪
1942
01:41:14,269 --> 01:41:16,571
♪ Next day on your dressing
room they hung a star ♪
1943
01:41:16,604 --> 01:41:19,507
♪ Let's go on with the show
1944
01:42:30,412 --> 01:42:32,947
♪ no business
like show business ♪
1945
01:42:32,980 --> 01:42:36,351
♪ Like no business I know
1946
01:42:36,384 --> 01:42:38,820
♪ everything about it
is appealing ♪
1947
01:42:38,853 --> 01:42:41,823
♪ Everything
the traffic will allow ♪
1948
01:42:41,856 --> 01:42:44,426
♪ Nowhere can you get
that happy feeling ♪
1949
01:42:44,459 --> 01:42:47,295
♪ When you are stealing
that extra bow ♪
1950
01:42:47,329 --> 01:42:49,964
♪ There's no people
like show people ♪
1951
01:42:49,997 --> 01:42:53,335
♪ They smile
when they are low ♪
1952
01:42:53,368 --> 01:42:55,970
♪ Yesterday they told you
you would not go far ♪
1953
01:42:56,003 --> 01:42:58,940
♪ Tonight you open
and there you are ♪
1954
01:42:58,973 --> 01:43:01,343
♪ Next day on your dressing
room they hung a star ♪
1955
01:43:01,376 --> 01:43:03,945
♪ Let's go on with the show
1956
01:43:03,978 --> 01:43:06,448
♪ let's go
1957
01:43:07,882 --> 01:43:11,185
♪ on with the show
161291
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