Original subtitles

You must be Consuelito.

Yes. Excuse me. Who are you?

Julieta told me a lot about you.

I was her boyfriend.

We are Julieta's best friends.

Here, ma'am.

Thank you.

Her parents want to be alone with Juli

before the ceremony begins.

Friends, relatives and ex-boyfriends are on this side.

Ex-boyfriends?

Yes. Come in, please.

There's coffee and cookies.

-Make yourselves at home. -Thank you.

HOW TO SURVIVE BEING SINGLE

She was very beautiful, wasn't she?

Yes.

How did you meet her?

By chance. It was fate.

I met her at a wedding.

We clicked immediately.

We were inseparable.

I loved surprising her.

Okay...

Why aren't you in any of the photos?

I like to take photographs. I'm more of an observer.

Did she ever mention me? Mariano.

No.

It probably hurt too much to remember.

Did you date for a long time?

More than she ever imagined.

Okay.

Life really played a fucking Ned Stark twist on us.

I know, it's so unpredictable.

It takes. It gives.

It lifts you up.

It knocks you down.

And sometimes, it gives it to you.

What's wrong with you? Is that from a song?

What? You're right.

Damn Ned Stark.

I don't understand why it had to be her.

Why couldn't it be one of these losers?

-I don't know. Sit down, baby. -She was such a good person.

-She was so pretty. -I know, I'm sorry too.

Dude.

Tell her to take it down a notch. She hardly knew her.

-Come on! This is how they mourn up north. -You'd think her father was murdered.

-He was murdered. -What?

-Ten years ago. -Why did you bring her, then?

I told her I was coming and she liked the idea.

You know her. Could you be more understanding?

We're at a funeral, come on.

Calm down, honey.

What's going on between Daniel and Mafer?

I think Daniel has PMS.

-Don't we have to talk? -I'm not sure there's anything to talk about.

-What can I do to make things better? -I don't know. It's not that easy.

It's not the time. This is a funeral.

Well, if our wedding is dead, we can bury it right now.

I can't believe you just said that.

I really can't.

I couldn't help hearing the words "death" and "wedding"

in the same sentence.

Are you married?

-No, I don't marry liars. -And I don't marry chicks who play hard to get.

Let me introduce myself. I'm Dr. Jose Luis Fonsi.

I've worked in funeral services for over 30 years.

I'm here to bid farewell to the deceased... and offer you my services.

Have you considered a couple's funeral plan?

No.

I'd rather die alone.

-Nobody likes to die alone. -Or angry, right, Dr. Fonsi?

I have the "even death can't make you part" package.

It includes a queen-size coffin with lumbar support.

It has very good reviews.

You know something? Thank you.

You simply don't understand that you don't understand!

I'll be right back, thank you. Mafer!

I'm the kiss thief.

Consuelo said there were cookies. Want me to bring you some?

I can get my own cookies, thank you, Gonzo.

Julieta!

She left us, dude. She left us!

You came up to hide too?

There are too many people downstairs.

Too many exes, you mean.

-Aren't you some kind of actor? -I'm an actor and director.

How did you guys meet Julieta?

I met her at rehab.

Julieta went to rehab?

No, not her. I was admitted.

She gave workshops on spirituality,

meditation and how to find inner peace.

Julieta was the most neurotic and stressed-out person.

She was a workaholic.

Addicted to music, maybe.

Did you ever hear her play the ukulele? She wrote a song for me.

Julieta couldn't even play the triangle.

-She loved Christian rock. -You mean, Balkan techno.

Julieta hated electronic music. She said it was for middle-class nerds.

-She would never say something so snobbish. -Correct.

She said poor people want to be poor.

No way! I met her after she played at a charity concert.

I had just experienced the worst date of my life.

I met her, watched her drive off on her Vespa.

Julieta was terrified of motorcycles.

My driver used to take her everywhere in my car.

No way! She said that was the worst plague in this city.

When we went to Europe, we only traveled on the subway.

She and I used to walk everywhere, even when we went out for tacos.

-Julieta was a vegetarian. -What?

It was great meeting you. I'm just going to...

I was looking for you. I got these for your headache.

-I don't have a headache. -Are you hungry?

I can make you a sandwich or...?

What's wrong with you?

Nothing! Nothing's wrong. Can't I simply be nice?

You're not even nice to your mother.

Because she's a bitch, you know that.

It's unethical for you to analyze me here.

Have a seat.

Excuse me, that's my coffee. I was sitting here first.

Your attitude is freaking me out.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...

-Come on. -You're doing it again!

You've been doing it all day!

If you keep it up, everybody will notice something happened.

-See? I knew you had a headache. -I don't have a headache,

I took it for the buzz.

Mafer. Honey. Pumpkin.

Sunshine, say something, please.

You think it's that easy?

You're making me very nervous. Talk to me.

Nervous? With the weatherproof titanium urn, only the weather gets nervous.

No, Dr. Fonsi! We said we don't want anything. Please.

Bye.

-Excuse me. -So long.

-Listen, Mafer. -Hey, doctor. Come back. Just a second.

Tell me...

are you married?

-Yes, certainly. -Thank you. Congratulations!

-Thanks. -That's great. Great, great. How do you do it?

Well... it takes continuous work.

And above all, communication.

Communication, man! That's vital, isn't it?

And don't lie. I suppose that helps.

Do you agree with me that all your hard work

-is to give your family the best? -Of course.

In fact, I just found out I've been hired for two more funerals.

-Thank God. -That's right.

There's always a chance to work new clients.

What would happen if you lost your job?

Mrs. Fonsi would have a bad time.

-I wouldn't let her worry about that. -Of course.

Sounds familiar. I know a very similar case.

If you prefer a terrarium urn,

I have a package to transform your loved one's ashes

into a prosperous ant farm.

Do you have a coffin...

for an individual, where only one person fits,

say 5'5" in height and approximately 140, I mean, 125 pounds?

-Of course. -Somewhere to be in peace, alone.

The Wagoneer style. Made of mahogany, cedar and oak.

This is gorgeous! Only one person fits in here.

Purple.

Come out, I'm starting to worry about you.

Leave me alone.

I can't stand this.

I'm so fucking depressed.

I have a coupon for The Cheesecake Factory.

Don't mention food. I'm gonna puke.

I'll give you a great massage with a happy ending.

Now is not the time for your depravity, Fish!

Fish, Fish. What's going on? We can hear her downstairs.

I know. I'm sorry, dude.

Funerals really upset her.

Why did you bring her, then?

Julieta was my girlfriend, and I'm not that upset.

Sorry, leave her to me.

-I love you, man. -Me too.

Darling, come out, please.

Shut up, fucker!

-Fish. -Yes?

Those are her parents. How can I approach them?

Just go up and say you're her ex-boyfriend. With self-confidence.

Ex-boyfriend number 13.

Yeah, but you're the most handsome of them all. Go on.

Sir, ma'am.

I'm Sebastián.

Maybe Julieta mentioned me.

Your daughter and I were dating.

Another one.

Excuse me?

Thank you for coming, Sebastián.

I can't find the words to describe my feelings for her.

Julieta...

Julieta made me a man.

-Thank you. -Yeah.

-Beto. -Hello.

Remember that she'll always be here.

-Thank you. -Yeah.

I...

It's been so long. Sorry to see you under these circumstances.

I'm so glad to be here.

Didn't we get a restraining order against that guy?

-Yes. -What's he doing here?

-Okay, so... -Excuse me.

You don't know how I felt about Julieta.

Julieta changed my life. She made me... a man.

Relax.

Good afternoon, let us begin the service.

Let us begin the service. Let us begin the service.

Thank you.

I am... Was, that is...

Julieta's friend.

More than friends, we were like sweethearts.

Almost sweethearts but different.

Once she asked me:

"Mariano, where did you get those keys?"

And I laughed because it wasn't easy for me to get them.

But that's what love is about. About going further, even when she says no.

When I met Julieta, I was in the middle of a clinical depression.

I was her Hispanic Arts professor.

Obviously, it became her favorite subject.

...at the School of Medicine.

She stood out as one of the top of her class.

She was passionate about adrenaline and extreme sports.

...and the laziest person I ever met.

She always woke up after I did.

One day, we were at the ring, watching the bullfight, and she said...

"You murderer!

How dare you kill that harmless animal?"

For her, the true crime was eating meat.

Medium rare. That's how she liked her prime rib.

They called her "the devourer."

Once she confessed that...

She had always felt attracted to women.

One thing led to another

and we started something that I'd describe as...

A phase. A very difficult stage.

I couldn't have come out of it without Julieta's help.

Every day she reminded me

that our Lord Jesus Christ can do anything.

And that I have to devote my life to him.

...wrapped in a supermarket bag.

-We did the first ritual with that goat's heart. -What the...

But we had to get an image of Beelzebub at a street market.

Blessed be your entrance to hell, Julieta.

-Let's go, Father. -You're kidding. Sebastián?

Is this the wrong funeral?

I told you that the girl was strange. I told you.

Sebastián.

Would you like to say a few words?

Go on. You knew her better than anyone.

I have no idea who she was.

Go on.

Okay.

Well...

I didn't know Julieta as well as you did.

What I liked the most about her was her authenticity.

Her terrible taste in music.

When I met her, she couldn't give me her number

because she didn't use a cell phone.

I know, I thought she was crazy too.

As our relationship progressed,

I gave her one so we could stay in touch and get to know each other better.

What did you say?

I gave her a cell phone to get to know each other better.

-You gave her the phone they found her with? -What do you mean?

Julieta had technological deficit disorder!

She couldn't come close to electronic devices!

-You killed her! -What?

-Murderer. -No, please. It wasn't like that.

-She was the love of my life! -No! She was the love of my life!

God knows she was the love of my life.

-The love of my life! -No, the love of my life!

You're all full of it. She was my broad.

-Murderer! -Murderer!

No, wait a minute.

Calm down.

Show Julieta some respect!

I'm sorry, I think you should go. This is getting out of hand.

Sir, I didn't know there was such a disorder.

That's all right, Sebastián. Please.

Will you explain why you've been so creepy all day?

I'm the same as always. I don't know what you mean.

You know exactly what I'm talking about. Ever since...

Ever since that time, you've been acting really weird.

-You're the weird one here. -Shit, what kind of comeback is that?

It's the comeback I came up with. Leave me alone.

Mr. I-Always-Have-A-Funny-Reply, cat got your tongue?

My tongue is perfect. Here, I can show you. Okay?

Shit, Gonzalo, you're not getting anywhere.

-You want me prove that I am? -Stop it, Gonzalo.

-Why are you nervous, Fabiana? -You're the one who's nervous.

It's a huge house.

Stop. It's not gonna happen.

Please, tell me what to do so you'll forgive me.

-I don't know. It's not that easy. -Something.

Dr. Fonsi.

Get over here.

I'll buy a plan.

I was just telling you about the VIP package.

Would you like to put your ashes in a cartridge of gunpowder,

to burst them like firecrackers over Acapulco Bay?

No, thank you. I don't own Baby'O.

A client asked us for a replica of the Las Vegas sphinx.

That's wonderful, perfect! Whatever it takes.

Are you really buying this?

These are my plans, you have your own.

You can put your ashes in a jar of lotion for all I care.

Of course. The "Thrifty Mom" package.

Mr. Fonsi, give me a minute with my fiancée, please?

Ex-fiancée...

maybe.

Sebas!

-Hey. -Hello.

What are you doing here?

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Thank you for coming.

Why are you out here alone?

There was a commotion inside, and they kicked me out.

-Why? -They blame me for Julieta's death.

What?

It seems she was...

distracted by the cell phone I gave her and got run over.

-I don't know. Maybe it really was my fault. -How would you know that?

I know, but if she didn't want a cell phone, I shouldn't have insisted.

It's absurd for you to feel guilty over Julieta's death.

Whatever. Everybody in there hates me anyway.

What do you care?

You didn't come to make friends. You came to say goodbye to her.

Hey.

One doesn't die until one is forgotten.

Nobody can take away from you your experience with her.

So, please,

sit up straight...

and say farewell like you deserve to.

-That's all. -I can't.

Yes, Sebastián.

Stand up, come on.

I'll come with you.

Ex...

Maybe it's a sign that...

-My love. Mafer. -That this isn't going to work. Right?

I didn't want you to worry.

Worries are shared by couples, Daniel.

I didn't want to ask for your help. Sorry, I'm not perfect.

I know I have a lot of issues to work on.

But my commitment to you, Mafer, that's intact.

If we're getting married in order to be together forever,

maybe we don't need a giant wedding.

But we do need a giant commitment.

A giant commitment?

You're completely right.

Giant.

Now what?

You are now the proud owners

of an "Even death can't make you part" package.

It includes a queen-size coffin,

with Swedish back-support technology,

and a pretty tombstone that says:

"María Fernanda Azpe and Daniel Lebrija

loved each other till death.

Even marriage didn't make them part."

-Please. -Sure.

-Congratulations. -Thank you, doctor.

You're very welcome. I'm at your service.

Transportation expenses are also covered.

Where is she going

So hasty and exhausted?

The swallows are flying away

From here

-Please, that's enough. -Just a little more!

-That's enough. -I'm almost done.

-It's okay. -I'm almost done...

Socorro and Alberto.

I know the last thing you need is to listen to more of this.

Your loss is painful enough.

You don't need all these strangers

coming and telling you who your daughter truly was.

I know nobody is to blame for her death.

It's important for you to know that we're here because we're all in pain.

Sometimes life is a bitch.

It takes from us the people we love the most.

But even so, let me tell you this.

One never dies until one is forgotten.

I assure you that nobody here will ever forget Julieta.

We can argue all day long over who knew her the best.

But that's not the point.

The point is...

that Julieta was too complex for all of us.

Which version of her we knew...

which was the best...

that doesn't matter.

What you have to know is...

that in each one of those versions...

Julieta was a good person.

The best I ever met.

And, you know, it's a bit unfair.

Because she came to rescue us.

Don't you find it peculiar...

that we all met her

at the most difficult times of our lives?

We were so scared of being alone...

that we gave her this huge load.

She accepted it without asking for anything in return.

That was your daughter.

She taught me

that life isn't only to survive it.

It's to live it, to enjoy it.

I'll keep the version of Julieta that I knew

because it's the one that brought out the best in me.

Just like I'm sure that each version brought out the best in all of you.

I only hope that even for just one second...

we may have made her as happy as she made us.

Julieta!

That's all I wanted to say.

Where was this performance in Dumped?

Great job, bro.

Fucking awesome!

Thank you! Thank you so much!

You wish, Gonzalo. You wish!

What are you doing?

Nothing. Spooning.

Gross.

We're not a couple, you know.

We're obviously not a couple.

-Why the look? -I'm looking at you the same as always.

We're fuck buddies.

Fuck buddies.

-I'm begging you. -No, no, no.

-Please stop crying. -You have to ask me nicely.

Thank you, Sebastián.

I was deeply moved by your speech.

I think you are the only one here that really knew Julieta.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

I'm sorry.

Stop it!

Okay.

Why couldn't you be quiet?

Quit bothering me.

This is not even your family!

You'll be fine, Sebas. We're with you.

-Yes. -Yeah, you're not alone.

Thank you.

Why do you always have to get all the attention?

What are you doing now?

-You are driving me crazy! -Stop it!

Be quiet!

I don't know, man.

I don't know. Well, life...

Life goes on.

I'm going to concentrate on work.

All I know for sure is that...

-I want to be alone. You know? -Yeah, man.

For a long time.

-Shall we? -Let's go.

HOW TO SURVIVE BEING SINGLE

Melodi, this isn't working.

Fish...

I missed my period, dude.

That's harsh, man.