Original subtitles

Bravo!

I found you.

Cool.

You guys play very well.

Thanks.

Here. You dropped this.

HOW TO SURVIVE BEING SINGLE

FISH: Where were you last night, Sebastián? I hooked up with La Matadora.

GONZO: Guys, get ready. Next Friday is the taco eating contest.

FISH: A whole year of free tacos. They got nothing on us.

MAFER: You guys always get a stomachache. FABIANA: And you never win anything.

Everything is great.

Thanks for asking, I'll tell you later. See you on Friday.

Julieta!

Julieta!

What's up, baby face?

I didn't leave you, relax.

Hey...

Why are you wearing a man's shirt?

It's my "day after" shirt.

-Really? -Why the tattoo?

Oh, I was kidnapped by a sect not long ago and they wouldn't let me go.

A sect, how sexy!

-You're sexy, like a rabid dog. -No, I'm brushing my teeth!

I'll brush mine with you.

It's strange that you've never used 3nder.

No, it's my first time.

It's a great tool for those who are happy as a couple

but want something extra.

Carlos and I have an open relationship.

We believe polygamy is the most natural thing in the world.

Yeah, it is!

-Right? -Yeah. I've always wanted to do this,

but I never found people like you, cool and beautiful.

The swinger world is full of strange, weird people.

Yeah.

That's why Rocio and I search for this connection.

Me too. I look for connections too.

-You do? -Yeah. When I find one, I go for it.

-Go for it. -Go for it.

Damn wimps, eat this.

Just because Sebastián isn't here, we're not going to lose. We got this.

I'm full. Sebas was our man for the home stretch! I can't eat anymore!

Eat, motherfucker!

Come on!

-Shit, yeah! -You're shitting me.

Fucking hell.

I'm so proud! I've never won anything in my life.

-You hardly ate anything, idiot. -Sebastián!

We won, man! We won!

Why are you not here, you traitor?

Dude, that's great. Congratulations.

Free tacos for a year, and we won't give you any,

you fucking deserter!

Look, these are the wimps we beat, check them out!

Hey, it's the guy from Humped!

It's Dumped, stupid. Dumped.

No, idiot, it's Humped.

Dude, those asses are great.

Tell that guy to keep hitting them hard, hard, hard!

Pay our bill, motherfuckers!

You fucking bottomless pit!

Dude. What's Humped?

I don't know.

What are you doing?

I'm going home. This was only sex.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

-Stay. I'll take you tomorrow. Stay. -Exactly. Take it easy.

Relax.

Danny Boy. My phone's camera is unbelievable.

You know what it doesn't have?

-What? -An alert.

-You sent an e-mail and didn't copy me. -It was for Mafer, my girlfriend.

Copy me anyway. We wouldn't want me to miss another meeting.

Answer that.

-Hello? -Who is it?

Mr. Takei.

Yeah, thanks for reaching out.

Pussies! Morning glory.

I already spent my yearly budget on prostitutes, man.

I don't know, Billy. The other day, my girl said I smelled of whores.

And you call yourselves the pussy brokers?

Ginger Boy!

See you soon. Okay.

Danny Boy, wanna get something to eat?

-Aren't you eating with Billy? -No, we don't like his plans.

-Okay. -Good.

Shit, it's the boss!

He hasn't been here in months.

He only comes when there's something really important. Shit, shit.

Daniel, I need you to come with me now, urgently.

Ariadna, why didn't you tell me that Dad was coming?

-Do I have a meeting with him? -No, he's not here to see you.

-What's he here for, then? -To meet with Daniel.

Let's go.

Come on, Daniel!

-Hi. -Good morning!

-It smells so good. -We made pancakes

-because you said you love them. -It's our vegan recipe.

Good morning.

-Hey. Thanks a lot. -It's okay.

What's wrong? Do I have bad breath?

No, pretty. We have certain rules.

-What rules? -Yeah.

In order for us to work, we only kiss each other.

I mean, as a couple.

Okay, okay.

We always end up being hurt by the people who come into our lives.

They eventually go away.

As primary lovers, these things keep us close, you know.

Yes, yes.

Since we know that we're always going to be together...

-That's brilliant. I totally agree with you. -We're just getting to know each other.

It was one night.

-Have a seat. -Thanks.

-Help yourself. -Thank you so much.

This reminds me, when I was little, we used to make pancakes for my mom.

Pass the butter?

It's in the fridge.

Thank you.

Well, I would like to meet them.

Yes, I would love that.

But my mom is in jail.

She left my dad in a coma after she caught him cheating on her...

with other men.

In a huge satanic orgy.

Well, those things...

happen.

Of course those things don't happen! It's a joke, idiot!

What do you mean, a joke? Why do you do that to me?

-Come on, baby face! -No, I don't want to. No.

What are you looking for, bud?

-Humped. -You mean, Dumped.

No, that's the title. Humped.

You mean, Humped?

Humped.

Humped.

Yeah, man.

Let me see.

Do you want to take these too?

-I have the two parts. -Wow.

There it is.

You should take the sequel too.

-There's a sequel? -Sure. Humped 2. Look.

Great!

-How about The Sleazy Family? -No, come on.

I didn't think you'd like it, but...

-Fucking's a Bitch? -No, only this one.

-Sure? -Yeah, thanks man.

Do you have a bag? It's kind of embarrassing.

We don't use bags, we have to save the planet.

Yes, that's true.

-Bye. -So long.

Enjoy it.

Thanks.

These people.

It's overcast today.

-It's up high. -Yes.

What if this were the end of the world?

I'd be here to die at your side.

-You know all your lines! -Yeah?

How do you do it? Can you cry and everything?

I'd rather not discuss that.

-Everything okay? -Yeah, it's Fish and his bullshit.

-You wanna come? -Introducing your friends?

-Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. -Yeah.

I don't know what Fish wants, but I told you, my friends are kind of nuts.

But they're really cool.

If they're your friends, I'll like them. Come here.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

What's with these drawings?

I volunteer at a foundation for kids with vision problems.

-No way. -I swear.

This was made by a boy without wearing his glasses

and then the same boy wearing glasses.

I can't tell the difference.

I know, neither can they.

I give A's to all of them.

Come here. Come on.

-Over here. -What are you doing?

Sit there.

Red, my favorite one.

What--?

Dude!

What are you doing?

Draw me, Jack.

-Draw me like your nearsighted kids draw. -What are you up to?

-I'll hang it up at home. -Let me see.

Daniel Lebrija.

-Any relation to Mario Lebrija? -He's my dad.

Why aren't you working for him?

Because I've always tried to make my own way.

That's very respectable. You deserve all my admiration.

I've been following your career closely.

Your investments in Fibra UNO, and I'm very proud of you.

I always try to do my best for the Ariza Group.

I wish Billy realized what a good influence you could be on him.

He thinks he's Gordon Gekko.

But he has the intelligence of a child.

You understand why I can't trust him with certain things.

He saw The Wolf of Wall Street one too many times!

Yes, your son can be quite eccentric at times.

He's just like that damn lazy bum.

I think he has his own pace, yes.

We weren't expecting him. He's the "caboose."

His testicles haven't dropped yet.

I want you to do the presentation for the Japanese clients.

-For tomorrow morning? -You're our star broker.

In this company, we reward sacrifices with a triple bonus.

Thank you, sir, I promise... I won't let you down.

You can count on it, sir. Thank you.

-Excuse me. -Good day.

Press the green button, man!

Goodbye, goodbye.

Danny! Congratulations!

Thirty-fifth floor!

-Thirty-fifth floor! -Man...

Thirty-fifth floor!

That's it, champ!

Thirty-fifth floor!

Thanks, people.

-Congratulations. -Thanks. Thanks.

-What happened? -Ariza gave me his blessing.

-No way. -Yeah.

The last time he did that was 10 years ago. Today, that guy is CFO at JP Morgan.

-You should introduce us. -But I have to pull another all-nighter.

-It's the third in a row. -The presentation is tomorrow at 8.

-Shit, you should have asked for more time. -And tell him I can't do it?

-How many hours have you been sleeping? -Two or three.

Come on, man. You have to take care of yourself.

If I get that account, I can even give Jaureguiberri an extra tip.

But without a groom, there can be no wedding.

I don't want Mafer to be a widow.

-That's scary. -It's all right.

Don't worry, you go rest.

-Congratulations. -Thanks.

They're kind of weird, but they're the best.

Yeah, I'm a bit scared.

Sure, you're a bit scared. Bullshit.

Dude. Taste this.

I've been shitting ever since we ate those tacos.

Try it, it's really spicy.

Seriously.

Come here.

-The traitor is here. -Hi.

-Look. This is Julieta, Gonzo. -Hi.

-Come in, welcome. -Thank you.

-Hi! -Mafer, Fish, Julieta.

-Hi, what's up? -Welcome! Welcome, Julieta.

So you weren't MIA. You were with pussy. Well done!

-Mafer, where's Daniel? -Working tirelessly forever.

That must be Fabiana.

You didn't tell me you were bringing a guest.

-I'll just leave. -No, no, no!

Of course I'm not leaving.

-Ignore him. -Calm down, Fish. This is Julieta.

She truly does exist.

This is Fish, my best friend, a being of light. Get used to him.

-Hello. -What's up, Julieta?

I'm so glad you exist, really.

I was just saying that I don't think this is a good time

because we're going to watch something personal.

Fish, she's "the one." Don't screw it up.

Okay, fine. We won't watch this. It's canceled.

-We're not canceling anything. -Come on, Gonzo.

If she's the one, she's cool.

It's not a good idea, Gonzo. Accept it.

-Hi. -Hi.

-Rocio. -Hi.

-Carlos. -Hello.

Come in, make yourselves at home.

Oh, she exists!

-Mescal, whiskey... -It's movie night.

-Thanks. -Thanks.

-Good evening. -See you.

-Congratulations, champ. -Thanks, dude.

I heard that you carry all the responsibility tomorrow.

How do you do it? You take supplements, right?

I have this great Bolivian sugar, man.

Bolivian sugar?

No, dude. No, thanks, all I use is coffee.

-Nobody can work all night on that. You sure? -Yeah, just coffee.

-This stuff is so white, it's prejudiced. -No doubt, but no, thanks.

Suit yourself.

You know I hate it, right?

My father choosing you.

I wish it were me.

But it's not. You better do it right, otherwise we'll all be screwed.

You can't fuck up.

Dad has never trusted me...

but he trusts you.

I'll leave...

I'll leave this here in case you get tired.

-To Ariza, dude. -To Ariza.

To Ariza Blue!

Who's my boy? Who's my boy?

The show is about to begin.

I didn't order pizza.

TAKE ME

No way, man!

-Fish, what is this? -No.

It's Humped.

Did you see Dumped?

He's a dead ringer for Sebastián.

It's you, isn't it?

Of course not. Look at the size of that thing!

Careful, Mafer, I'm gonna tell Daniel that you're still hungry.

Where did you get that?

Well...

They made a frame-by-frame replica of Dumped,

and it's selling like crazy.

It's number one on the black market, except you fuck in this one.

But this Peter the Prick is bigger than you, with all due respect, Julieta.

For real, bro. No homo.

How do you know? Besides, you can tell...

that they used camera and makeup tricks here.

-Angles, CGI. -What if we leave?

-Yeah, the camera tricks... -Of course!

...must be why his cock is three times bigger than yours.

I'm sorry, friends. I forgot we had an engagement.

-You're leaving? -I forgot.

-Bye-bye. -Enjoy the flick.

-Bye. -Drop by anytime, friends.

Can I turn it off now?

-No! -Let me see myself!

-I want to see you in action. Come here. -That's what I'm talking about!

Come here.

Don't look! Don't look!

Hit it! Hit it!

-Fuck, yeah! -No way!

I had never done...

Knock, knock.

Why are you so covered up?

-Because... Because it's Tuesday. -So?

-It's Spooning Tuesday. -Exactly.

Who cares? We can spoon later. Look at me.

Fabiana, it's okay to be good once in a while,

-and Tuesdays are the perfect day. -You have too many rules.

Because it's Spooning Tuesday.

What the hell is Spooning Tuesday?

Is this why we left the party? We were having fun.

Right. We meant to tell you that...

the porn movie at your friends' place was in terrible taste.

-Yeah, and a bit offensive too. -Seriously.

Yeah.

-Come on. -Yeah.

Come on, Fabi.

Let's spoon.

Let's spoon.

Who's going to spoon tonight?

-Me! -Me too.

Are you sending photos of your boobs?

Yeah, since you two won't pay attention to me.

What? You mean, you're seeing other people?

Didn't you say polygamy was the most natural thing?

Oh, my God.

Yes, but we're in a three-way. There are rules, Fabiana.

Go to sleep. Put it over there.

Enough.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is the big day!

Lorena, greet the clients downstairs. Thank you.

Ginger Boy, put your foot down.

That's considered bad manners in Japan.

-Danny Boy! -Hey.

-I checked the presentation and sent it back. -So I'll use that one?

For Ariza.

For Ariza.

-Show me the money. -Show me the money.

Money.

Come on!

This is Daniel.

We're really proud of him.

So moving forward with the presentation...

According to our data analytics

and the experience we've had for the last five years,

I think it's very safe to say

that investing right now

represents almost zero risk

and great monetary

-and social rewards. -Cocaine.

-Really? -Exactly.

-That's what we're on. -Danny...

That's how we do it here at Grupo Ariza.

-That's how you do it? -Yeah.

Lebrija, gather your things and go.

-But... -Get out!

What a disappointment, Danny Boy.

I just got out of makeup and then I'll be in wardrobe.

Tell the doorman that Sebastián Ybarra is expecting you

and they'll tell you where I am.

Hey, I'm glad you're coming. I miss you.

Hey! Bye. Poncho.

-Hey! -What's up?

-How are you? Fine. -Fine. And you?

Sebas. It's been so long.

-What are you doing here? -We're filming an ad.

-Vegan pork rinds. It's good. -Sounds great.

And because of the rule.

The rule?

The rule.

-What rule? -You don't know the rule?

Maybe I do.

If you say the beginning, I might know the end.

One or two independent movies...

And a commercial.

Of course! Two movies, one commercial. The rule.

-He doesn't know. -I know.

What are you doing here?

I'm in Farré's new movie.

-Is he here? -Yes, over at that studio.

-Congratulations! -That's really cool, man.

It's a hard, arduous process but enriching too.

He made me lose 50 pounds and then he cut me out of the film.

-He cut you out of the whole movie? -Dude, he cut me out.

-No shit. -He sent me to a commune

to clean bathrooms for six weeks,

and then he said I wasn't worthy of having dialogue in a Farré movie

-because of the soap operas. -He did that to you?

-He's a motherfucker. -He's a motherfucker. No! He's a genius.

Definitely.

But one must acknowledge that he knows what he wants

and he knows perfectly well what he doesn't want.

I want to live the experience. I'm already living it.

I want to live the experience.

You're going to live it!

-But congratulations. -Yeah, yeah.

-And good luck, Sebas. -Listen.

On another note, I'd like to discuss a possibility with you.

Maite and I would like to get in touch with Lucía.

Or is it too soon for you?

No. What do you mean, how?

I talked it over with my wife and there's no problem.

No problem, zero prejudice.

-You mean...? -Yes.

That, yes.

I have a new girlfriend, so go for it!

-Enjoy. -Thank you.

-Good luck, Sebas. -Bye, Mai.

-Good luck. That asshole. -These people are so strange.

-Since when do you snort? -I don't snort.

I did it once for this project.

You didn't think he had cameras and wanted to screw you?

Think that I'm being watched at the office? Never.

Hey, asshole!

Language.

-You screwed Daniel, scumbag. -What's your problem, fucker?

Don't tempt me. What's wrong with your friends?

You snort coke in front of everyone and you push people around. What the fuck?

The only cokehead here is you, fucking rich boy with daddy issues.

-Don't talk to me that way, idiot. -Look, princess, if you don't like it,

you and your buddy can go fuck yourselves.

You can't fire me, I resign. And don't call me "princess."

You can't. You need the job.

Both of you are fired. What part didn't you understand?

You're so crass. You're an unrefined and shitty misogynist.

Who orders their initials embroidered on their shirts?

Ever heard of Hugh Hefner?

You have five minutes, and I'm being generous.

Five minutes and you can piss off!

Boys!

You should have let me hit him!

You can't hit him, Fabiana.

-Promise you won't say anything to Mafer. -I can't lie to her.

I'll find the right time...

Okay.

Okay, ready?

Ready, everybody on their mark.

-Hi there! -Stand on your mark.

This is the cosmic lake scene, right?

Okay, okay. Wait over there.

Attention. Scene 97, cosmic lake.

-Exactly like we rehearsed. -Yes, sir.

Exactly the same. Any questions?

Yes. Is this when the android starts being more human,

or is he still an android?

We had a production meeting.

-Didn't we? -Yes.

And then we rehearsed it.

-And we actually rehearsed it again. -Sure.

And you're asking this on the set?

Are you serious?

Let's see a sequence on camera.

-Sir. -Should I humanize it or not?

-Scene 97. Sound? -Ready.

Take one. Set.

Hey.

I'm going to humanize it, I am.

Let's go.

Action!

I could be under shooting stars forever.

-Because if this were the end of the world... -I'd be there to die at your side.

Fuck, what's going on?

Who was that?

Was it you?

Forgive her, forgive her. She's with me.

Who are you? Are you an actress, or...?

No. Actually, she's a singer and she plays the ukulele.

Oh, a singer.

-Did you bring your ukulele? -No, sir.

-Good, good, good. -Good?

-Good, good! -Good, good!

Great. Let's take advantage of this beautiful energy.

-You can feel the energy here. -She's tremendous! Thank you.

Okay, let's do it!

-Let's continue with the scene... -Rodrigo.

Respect the set.

You can feel her.

Take two.

You can feel her.

What's with you now?

Your outfits are really freaky. Cool.

This one is yours. I think it'll look great on you.

This is so sexy.

Just what I needed to forget what a shitty day it's been.

I'm thrilled that you like it.

Yes!

This is our room of secrets.

You guys are real pros.

Are we going to do it on the floor with our knees bruised, is that it?

You and I start?

Let's see.

I love it, I do.

-Fabi. -What? What?

-What? -Stop.

You're going to ruin the family portrait.

What family portrait?

I thought we were going to record us fucking.

Where did you get that this is porn? It's a simple family portrait.

I told you, we didn't explain it to her.

Yeah, sure. I don't know what's going on.

What kind of relationship is this?

You're the most closed open couple in the universe!

You have too many rules.

Spooning Tuesday, Pancake Sunday. I don't get it.

Will you listen to me, please?

It's just a reminder of a pleasant moment the three of us shared.

I don't know. I don't know anymore.

What don't you know?

We can always change a few things.

I'll forgive you if we do something a bit more sexy...

Whatever you say.

-I'm going to take off the mop. -Go ahead.

It's hurting me.

PRIVATE

What the fuck?

No way.

-Fabiana? Are you leaving? -I have to go.

-Why? -I'm leaving.

Who are the people in those portraits? Who are you?

-We can explain everything. -No. I'm leaving, I'm leaving.

You aren't going anywhere. I'm sorry, you can't leave.

Don't make us force you.

I can't see, Carlos! Get her, Carlos! I can't see!

-What are you doing? Stop it. -That's how we chose it.

Honey, come here.

-How was the presentation? -Just great.

-Really? -You bet.

-Congratulations. -So we can watch Don't Blame the Dildo,

Fuck Instructions Not Included,

Your Ass's Labyrinth, which is a classic,

Rough and Horny, Your Mother Fucks Too,

On Top of Lucía, Fucking the Jackal,

Presumed Fucker, Never Too Young to Fuck,

Fucking's a Bitch, The Sleazy Family,

-Fuck Whoever You Can, -I haven't watched that.

Till Cock Do Us Part, Substitute Fucker 1 and 2,

and finally, Sex, Shame and Tears,

which is the original title because it sounds like porn.

I had a weird day.